I had this big romantic fiction conference coming
up and I was so excited. Being an audiobook narrator,
you don't get to interact directly with people
that often. You're mostly just spending hours
and hours in a tiny padded room by yourself.
But at this conference, I get to spend face -to
-face time with authors and colleagues who I
love and admire and get fawned over by fellow
book nerds. Sometimes they even want me to record
my version of their book boyfriend saying, good
girl, in their voice memos. I know. I'm low -key
famous in this tiny subgenre of humanity, and
it's crazy to me every time. But here's the thing.
The conference organizers had asked me to do
a live reading of some fairly spicy scenes. I
was so not used to performing in front of an
audience. Believe it or not, I was so busy prepping
for the conference and trying not to panic about
reading smut aloud to a thousand strangers that
I got distracted from my meddlesome matchmaking.
I knew Claire was capable of keeping the kids
entertained, cared for, and, you know, getting
them to school while Brian and I were gone. I
wasn't worried about that. What kept me up at
night was abandoning the burgeoning romance between
Claire and Tony. But I had to trust that Brian
and I had laid the foundation for some adorably
awkward Tony and Claire bonding moments with
our brilliant Camp Claire scheme. Thankfully,
the universe was on our side. Morning, Claire.
How's your foot? This boot is dumb. It's fine.
Whatever. I only have to wear it for a few more
days. Okay, good. Because I'm scrambling this
morning. I gotta catch my flight, and I'm not
finished packing. Kids, time to go! Here, you
finish packing, and I'll get the kids to the
bus stop. I got this. Don't worry. Okay, guys,
give me a big hug. Y 'all be good for Claire,
and I'll call you to see how your day went, okay?
Love you guys. Bye, Mommy. We'll miss you. Okay,
so my first responsibility as camp director is
to get you to the school bus on time. Let's go,
people. Oh, man. Can you play video games when
we get home from school? No! If you don't tell,
I won't. Camp Claire is gonna be lit! Man, it's
so dark out here. Does it freak you guys out
to be out here so early? It does. Can I please
stay home with you, Aunt Claire? Nice try, kid.
Hey, look, a loose dog. Um, that's not a dog.
That's a coyote. Oh, no. See, it is scary. What
do I do? What do I do? Shh, shh. Um, just keep
still. Keep still. Hey, hey, hey. You guys, uh,
you guys okay? Holy shit, Tony. Aunt Claire,
Mom said no curse words. I was just out for a
run. I saw the coyote heading this way, so I
was chasing it off for you guys. We thought you
were a coyote -wielding axe murderer. Oh, thank
God. Ah, the bus. Worse than a coyote. Okay,
guys, everything is fine. Have a great day at
school. Bye. Hey, sorry, I didn't mean to scare
y 'all. No, no, we were scared of the coyote,
and then you just came out of nowhere in the
dark. Fair, fair, but... That coyote was more
scared of you than you were of him. Unless you're
a squirrel or a rabbit, you got nothing to worry
about. But do I need to, like, alert animal control
or something? Is there an emergency line? No,
no, no, no. We see coyotes around here all the
time. It's no big deal. It's fine. Oh, okay.
You okay? Yeah, I guess so. You know, honestly,
just a little camp director imposter syndrome.
I'm not sure I'm equipped to keep these kids
alive for a week. Oh, come on. You've got this.
The kids will have a blast. Come on, I'll walk
with you back to the house. Thanks. So, you're
a runner? You don't look like a runner. Oh? What
do I look like? Oh, uh, a lumberjack? I run in
the morning sometimes. I don't do marathons or
anything like that. Oh, no judgment here. Unless
you tell me you're a crossfitter. You're not
a crossfitter, are you? No, I don't do crossfit.
I tried it once and quickly learned the cult
lifestyle and caveman diet were not for me. Right.
Ask Shannon. I can't subscribe to any diet that
doesn't allow queso. How did paleolithic people
survive without processed cheese? So you can't
live without queso? No, I get it. Crossfitters
can be a tad insufferable. But at least they're
self -aware enough to have a healthy level of
shame about it. True. I've never met a humbly
self -aware runner, though. Hey, I told you I'm
no marathoner. The running's mostly for my head.
Yeah, the queso's for my head, too. Well, we're
here. I gotta go help Shannon finish packing.
Okay. Well, you know where to find me if you
need me. Okay, Claire. All the kids' doctor's
numbers are on the fridge. Breakfast needs to
be real food. Protein, not just cereal. Two snacks
per backpack. Water bottles filled. Lunch is
at school, so you're only on the hook for breakfast
and dinner. I made a meal list. Everything's
in the kitchen. Bedtime is eight sharp. Oh, and
Samantha has a spelling test on Friday, so quiz
her or she'll fake a fever. Shannon, I know.
You sent me the spreadsheet. You labeled the
tabs. It was alphabetized and color -coded. Trust
me, I got this. Okay, I know. It's going to be
great. You're going to be great. Wow, careful.
That confidence seems contagious. I'm trying,
okay? I'm just really nervous about this conference.
Really? You've been buzzing about this thing
for days. I just forgot that I'll be doing a
live reading of a sex scene, like, in front of
actual humans with eyes and facial expressions,
and picturing them naked would be weird in this
case. Wait, you? Nervous about sexy stuff? Shannon,
you literally narrate books where fairies fall
in love with warlocks inside of volcanoes. You
made a book called Tensicles and Tees Sound Romantic.
I've heard you moan your way through the entire
Mysterious Romadors series. Well, sure. But that's
when no one is looking at me. I'm all alone in
a recording booth, getting into character, saying
filthy things to myself. It's different. This
is live. People will be making eye contact, possibly
nodding or gagging. Or totally fangirling over
you. Come on, Shannon, you'll crush it. You're
unflappable. I've literally never seen you embarrassed.
Lies. You saw me answer the door in headgear
and Goosebumps pajamas when Andrew Smith came
by in ninth grade. That was tragic, but also
iconic. Oh, is that your Uber? Damn it! He's
early. Or, I'm late. Go stall him while I drag
my other bag downstairs. Joel, hey! Claire, I
need you. Okay, what's up? This is all under
NDA, so legally I'm not telling you this, but
we're pitching a campaign for a candy bar. Rhymes
with schlickers, and I just need you to really
- Schlickers? Really? That's the word you chose
to rhyme with? Snickers? Yes! Moving on. We're
pitching it with Jake Fisher. Wait. The Jake
Fisher? Yes. I die. I'm dead. You're talking
to a ghost. Oh my gosh. Jake Fisher? Like, the
sexiest man alive? Jake Fisher? Like - Six foot
four, eight pack abs, gay icon, universal thirst
trap, Jake Fisher? Yeah, my future ex -husband,
that's the one. Joel, that man has never touched
a Snickers bar in his life. His cheat day indulgence
is a baby carrot. I know, that's why we need
you. So what do you want from me? We need you
to write a script that makes audiences believe
that Jake Fisher would eat a Snickers bar. And
it's going to have to be funny and sexy because
it's Jake effing Fisher. Okay, that actually
sounds kind of amazing. But can't you write it?
I'm too close. Emotionally compromised. My love
burns too bright. I watched a slow -mo thirst
trap video this morning and blacked out. And
then I gain consciousness and watch it again
five times. You poor thing. So brave of you to
keep going. Claire, it's not a joke. Can you
come to the creative briefing at two o 'clock?
Uh, can't do two. I have to be back by three
to meet my niece and nephew at the bus stop.
I leave you alone for a week and you're a mother
now? Gross. Are you available at all to work
on the pitch? Yes, just because I'm not chained
to a desk 80 hours a week doesn't mean I've retired.
In advertising, not working 80 hours a week is
considered quiet quitting. Yeah, well, I'm a
freelancer now. I set my own hours. No more set,
sell, or desk lunches. Zoom meetings from the
bathroom are a thing of my past. I live free,
Joel. So, can you zoom in, ideally not from the
bathroom, at 2 o 'clock and send scripts tonight?
I gotcha, bestie. It's Friday F - Nope. It's
Fry -yay. Fry -yay. It's Friday Fun Day! Both
of you, zip it. The bus is coming, and I'm running
on zero sleep and a questionable amount of coffee.
Also, are you sure Pajama Day is a real thing
at school? Hey, look, it's Tony the Coyote Hunter!
Hey, guys. Morning. Hey, I would never hunt coyotes.
Is it pajama day at school? Told you, Aunt Claire.
Oh, thank God. I definitely didn't want to have
their teachers calling Shannon about this. Bye,
Aunt Claire. Bye, Tony. Bye, guys. Be nice. Be
weird. Don't start any cults. TGIF. Have a great
day, kids. What's TGIF? Tony, it's Friday Funday.
We don't know what TGIF is. Oh my god, I have
no idea what's real anymore. I worked all night,
and I might be hallucinating. You didn't have
to come check on us, by the way. Oh, I know.
I was just squeezing in a quick run before Dominique
wakes up. Oh, right. How's she doing? She's...
she's amazing, in that she's 13 and too cool
for me kind of way. Hey, do you think she would
want to hang out with the kids after school?
Maybe play video games? Yeah, I think she'd be
into that. Honestly, I'd rather game with humans
than fall into the TikTok void again. Seriously,
how many Get Ready With Me videos can one preteen
watch? Well, I'm already leaning into screen
time to keep Samantha and Jonathan occupied.
I don't know how working parents survive. I'm
wrecked. Yeah? Camp Claire hitting a few snags?
Well, Camp Claire is powered by caffeine, denial,
and leftover chicken nuggets. But I promised
them I'd plan something fun this weekend. After
I finish my work. And then, you know, maybe nap
for a week. Hey, nothing wrong with leftover
chicken nuggets. So what's on the agenda this
weekend? Oh, you know, um, archery? Canoeing?
A kumbaya circle? Possibly a walk through the
haunted woods? Um, yeah, I can't tell if you're
serious. Not even a little. My entire summer
camp knowledge is based on movies. Oh, okay.
So statistically, someone's either finding their
long -lost identical twin and reuniting their
beautiful parents. Or getting chased by an inbred
redneck with a chainsaw. Yeah, I really didn't
think this through, did I? Sure. Unless you're
the chainsaw murderer. Oh, no. Clearly the lumberjack
is the murderer. He wields an axe. You got me.
Busted. Oh, sorry. Thanks for the walk. I've
got to get back to these scripts. Deadlines don't
care about Camp Claire. Yeah, of course. Well,
good luck. And Claire, stay clear of any rednecks
with chainsaws. Yo. Hey, how's it going over
there? Are the kids alive? Alive and fed. The
bar is low and I am crushing it. Excellent. Homework
done? Bus boarded? Yes and yes. Claire, you sound
exhausted. I am exhausted. Joel pulled me into
a freelance gig. Concepts are due today and I'm
still chasing one more halfway decent idea. Oof.
Well, this conference is amazing, by the way.
Thanks for asking. You'll never guess who showed
up at my live reading. Sorry. Who? Jake freaking
Fisher. Shut up. I will not shut up. Holy crap.
He's attached to the campaign I'm working on.
Every script has to feature him being funny and
sexy while eating a candy bar. This is fate.
He's everyone's internet boyfriend. He's a literal
walking snack. Hmm, that's actually a great line.
Wait, what is he even doing at your conference?
Well, apparently he's a huge Midnight Darkness
fan. Word is, the author is in talks with studios
to write the movie adaptation, and Jake's trying
to land a lead. As the werepanther? Um, yes,
I'd buy that. Dude is the definition of a sexy
beast. Wait, do you think he listened to the
audiobook? Shannon, obviously. He came to your
reading. You whispered seductive werepanther
dialogue straight into Jake Fisher's ears. No
way. Yes, way. You probably even turned him on
with your voice. Congratulations. Oh, my God.
Do you know how old he is? Yep, I'm on his IMDb
page. 21. Barely made the cutoff to buy you a
drink. Wow, a few days away from the kids, and
you're already turning into a cougar. Shut your
whore mouth, Claire. I'm just the messenger.
I was already a full -grown adult when he was
born. What a ladyboner killer. Do you think he
would even eat a Snickers? Wait, what? Oh, sorry,
nothing. It's NDA. I meant to say schlickers.
Oh, you're riding a Snickers spot with Jake Fisher.
You're always terrible at secrets. Okay, since
you guessed correctly, here's what I'm struggling
with. How would someone who looks like Jake Fisher
believably eat candy with apps like that? Well,
if he really is a werepanther, he'd have a high
metabolism. They probably do a lot of cardio.
Yeah, but cats can't eat chocolate, right? No,
that's dogs. If he was a werewolf, a Snickers
might kill him. Do you even listen to any of
my audiobooks? Anyway, I gotta run. There's a
panel on vampire lore and consent. Your job is
so weird. Tell the kids I love them. Will do.
Love you. Bye. Snickers. Snickers. Satisfy your
inner beast. Snack like a snack? Needs work,
but we're getting somewhere. Samantha! Jonathan!
Over here! Aunt Claire, you kind of look funny
because you're trying to run in that boot. Jonathan,
watch this. Who am I? Ha ha, hilarious, guys.
Samantha, stop hopping up and down on one foot.
I have to move fast so Camp Claire can continue.
Your parents make this look way too easy. They
do let us play video games. And they let us get
on TikTok. You guys don't even have phones. Yeah,
but you do. And Mom says Sherry's caring. Hey,
Tony. Hey, guys. Remember my daughter, Dominique?
Hey. Hey. Hey, Dominique. Your dad's been hyping
your visit like it's the Heiress Tour. Want to
play Mario Kart with us? Uh, we were going to
take a walk. Dad, come on, Tony. I want to play
Mario. All right. Okay, go ahead. Come on. We've
got snacks, screen time, and low expectations.
It's paradise. Mmm, snacks. I'm sold. Wait! Is
that a VR headset? Ooh, sleigh! Yeah, I got it
for my birthday. Can I try it? My mom's saying
VR melts your brain. Your moms are correct. What's
so bad about VR? Because instead of touching
actual grass, They're pretending to touch pixelated
grass. Technology is numbing our souls. Kids
need dirt. Sun. Maybe a stick. Even watching
a squirrel is better at this point. Or maybe
we embrace the fact that the future is screens
and make peace with it. No, that's how the robots
win. Oh my god! This coaster is unhinged! Just
wait. It gets wild at the next part. What are
they doing? It's a virtual roller coaster. Feels
real. It's fun, I swear. Except the nausea part
when you overdo it. I mean, why not ride an actual
roller coaster? Feel the whiplash. Smell the
funnel cake. Get sunburned. This? This right
here is digital chaos. What kind of camp is this?
Well, we're going outside this weekend. It's
about balance. A little screen time now, a little
grass touching later. Hey, Dominique, we used
to have good old -fashioned analog fun. You remember
when we used to make clover crowns? Nobody knows
what analog means, Dad. But, yeah, I forgot about
that. Dominique, want to come back tomorrow and
play? Depends on what Dad's planning. I was thinking
we'd do something touristy downtown. I don't
know, maybe the Center for Civil and Human Rights?
Ew! Kog is downtown. Could we please go there
instead? What's at the civil rights place? Actually,
they just opened a new exhibit on black voices
and advertising. I might have to steal this idea
as a field trip for Camp Claire. You all should
just come with us. Ugh, museums are just so boring.
Museums are not boring. That's it. It's happening.
Camp Claire field trip. Locked it. Oh, man. You
know, I love riding MARTA. It reminds me that
Atlanta is a real city. And this time, the train
actually goes somewhere useful. Why are we learning
stuff on a Saturday? Can't we just go to the
Coke Museum and drink soda until we get a sugar
rush and pass out? Uh, why is there a man dressed
as a fox on this train? Uh, maybe it's a mascot?
There's a bunny, too. Why would a bunny be a
team mascot? Is this a sports thing? Oh, God,
please don't be a flash mob. There's more of
them at this stop. That one's got antlers. Oh,
Atlanta is so weird, bruh. What in the world
could be going on? Oh, gosh, I just remembered.
It's a furry convention. I saw something about
this online. What's a furry? Furry? It's people
who dress up as animals for fun and... Uh, community.
Huh, look at that. Learning and bonding. This
is the most educational Saturday of all time.
Okay, well, hey, kids, kids, stay in your seats,
okay? It's getting a little crowded. Ow, oh,
ow, excuse me. That's my gut foot. Oh, oh, sorry,
ma 'am. Oh, gosh, I can't reach the handrail.
Well, here, just hang on to me. Well, I did not
expect to spend my Saturday sandwiched between
a panda in bondage and an aardvark with a boombox.
And yet, here we are. Atlanta, where the players
play. Yitz, you okay? Best train ride ever! Yeah,
this is definitely not what I meant when I said
real -life experiences. Okay, this is our stop.
Everybody squeeze through. Excuse us. Yep, just
shimmy past the llama in sunglasses. Oh, that
was insane. I think I have fur in my mouth. Ugh,
gross. Um, okay, uh, Center for Civil and Human
Rights, here we come. Dad, you really don't have
to try this hard to prove you're woke. Hey, uh,
Dom? You okay? Yeah, I just... I can't stop thinking
about that lunch counter simulation thing. Yeah,
it's really heavy. Can you imagine being that
brave while being physically and verbally attacked
like that? I think you would have been that brave.
Uh, I don't know. Thanks, but honestly, it's
kind of hard to say how you would have reacted
in a different time and place. Yeah, I don't
know if I would have been able to just take it.
I thought it was really scary. Can we go get
a Coke now? Guys, I don't have another museum
in me right now. Let's go walk around a bit.
Yeah, yeah. Some sunshine and fresh air will
be good to clear our heads. Okay, stay close,
guys. So that exhibit about the role of soul
in Motown music in the civil rights movement
was cool. Yeah, art influences culture. Culture
influences art. Look at us, getting all philosophical
and deep. Hey, careful. Keep digging and you
hit trauma. Sorry. Is this where I learned the
behind -the -music story? Yeah, yeah, the whole
bit. Touring non -stop with Nick Charlie, partying
non -stop, missing my kid's childhood. Not as
glamorous as it sounds. Yeah, I vaguely remember
the headlines. Mm -hmm, yeah. Car accident. We'd
both been drinking. I should have driven. Oh,
God, Tony. I'm so sorry. Oh, it's okay. Nothing
like following up a civil rights exhibit with
a personal tragedy. Yeah, so should we go crash
the furry convention to, like, even it out? Uh,
hard pass. But I think Jonathan already joined
a wolf pack. Oh god, let's not tell Shannon.
Are you kidding me? She'll be keynote speaker
next year. From fey to furry. Romanticy for the
tail -curious. Honestly, I would listen to that.
Do you think furry romance novels are a thing?
Oh, definitely. Anyway, so what's next on the
Camp Claire itinerary? Actually, I got an idea
yesterday. What if I took the kids to Six Flags
tomorrow? I could take Dominique with us. Oh,
now you're talking. VR can't compete with actual
adrenaline. You know, you're very opinionated
for a guy who builds tree houses. Oh, don't knock
the side hustle. I also make art. And you can
make a decent living that way? Uh, well, I guess
that's where we differ. I don't really measure
living by a paycheck. Gosh, sorry. Sometimes
I hear my parents' words coming out of my mouth
because it's what I heard growing up. I cringe
when I hear myself talk like that. I have to
remind myself, those are their values, not mine.
Yeah. I actually, I wanted to be an illustrator.
But my parents pressured me to choose a profession
that was more stable. Advertising was the closest
thing I could find to a creative career that
still felt like I was meeting their expectations.
And you know what? To this day, they still don't
get what I actually do for a living. Does it
matter? I mean, you're a grown -ass woman. Do
you still need their approval? Wow. Are my deepest
insecurities really that obvious? Can we change
the subject now? Yeah. Hey, kids! Kids! Who wants
to go to Six Flags tomorrow? Yes! Dude, you totally
stole my thunder. See? Everything's going exactly
as I had hoped. All I had to do was plug in the
formula using everyone's favorite rom -com tropes,
and boom! The magic basically unfolded on its
own. Step 1. The awkward meet cute. Maybe a fractured
foot was totally worth it. Step 2. Forced proximity.
Dirty dishes for the win. Step 3. Light meddling.
Or, as I prefer to call it, environmental storytelling.
These two probably have no idea that Camp Claire
was a setup. And the rest? That was all them.
Flirty banter, behind -the -music -level vulnerability,
accidental bonding over a shared hatred of CrossFit,
and VR -induced nausea. Honestly, it's textbook
rom -com material. And they were passing with
flying colors. I didn't make them catch feelings.
I just set the stage, dimmed the lights, and
maybe pressed play on the soundtrack. with a
little help from my henchman. I mean, husband.
But let's be real. This is the part of the movie
where everyone watching starts yelling, just
kiss already. Which means things are about to
get interesting. The Rom -Com Formula was created,
directed, produced, and written by Susan Cooper.
Co -produced by Micah Caldwell and co -written
by Micah Caldwell, Rozzy Shadmery, and Saithi
Sullyperm. Co -starring Susan Cooper as Shannon,
Micah Caldwell as Claire, and Matt Fogarty as
Tony. Joined in this episode by an ensemble cast
that includes Katten McArthur as Joel, Alexis
Campbell as Dominique, Matilda Cooper as Samantha,
Oliver Clearfield as Jonathan, and Tom Antonellis
as Furry. Series edited by Doug Lehman with post
-production provided by Rosebank Picture and
Sound. If this episode of the Rom -Com Formula
swept you off your feet, please like and subscribe,
leave us a review, share with your favorite hopeless
romantic, and follow us on Instagram at romcomformula
for bonus content. I am Diana Duran. Thanks for
listening.