WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:02.240 Welcome back to the Deep Dive. It is really good 00:00:02.240 --> 00:00:04.700 to have you here with us. Great to be here. Today, 00:00:04.780 --> 00:00:07.059 we are doing something a little different. We 00:00:07.059 --> 00:00:09.259 aren't looking at, you know, a historical event 00:00:09.259 --> 00:00:12.880 or a piece of technology. We are pulling back 00:00:12.880 --> 00:00:15.480 the curtain on something that is happening around 00:00:15.480 --> 00:00:18.739 us literally all the time. All the time. It's 00:00:18.739 --> 00:00:21.320 invisible. It's often completely silent. And 00:00:21.320 --> 00:00:23.980 honestly, it can be a little bit terrifying when 00:00:23.980 --> 00:00:25.699 you actually start to see the mechanics of it 00:00:25.699 --> 00:00:28.739 working in real time. Oh, absolutely. It is one 00:00:28.739 --> 00:00:31.460 of those topics that once you understand it, 00:00:31.519 --> 00:00:33.320 once you have the vocabulary for it, you can 00:00:33.320 --> 00:00:35.859 never really unsee it. We're looking at the machinery 00:00:35.859 --> 00:00:38.420 of human interaction today, but specifically 00:00:38.420 --> 00:00:42.780 the dark side of that machinery. We're talking 00:00:42.780 --> 00:00:46.119 about the hidden scripts that govern how people 00:00:46.119 --> 00:00:48.780 get what they want from one another. Exactly. 00:00:49.020 --> 00:00:51.000 We all like to think we are the captains of our 00:00:51.000 --> 00:00:52.960 own ships, right? We hold the wheel. We make 00:00:52.960 --> 00:00:55.590 our own choices. We decide to buy that specific 00:00:55.590 --> 00:00:58.170 car, or we decide to date that specific person, 00:00:58.270 --> 00:01:01.149 or we decide to take that specific job offer. 00:01:01.429 --> 00:01:05.069 We feel autonomous. But the question we're tackling 00:01:05.069 --> 00:01:09.010 today is... How often are those choices actually 00:01:09.010 --> 00:01:11.590 being engineered by someone else? We're talking, 00:01:11.629 --> 00:01:13.329 of course, about psychological manipulation. 00:01:13.730 --> 00:01:15.129 And we aren't just talking about the obvious 00:01:15.129 --> 00:01:16.810 stuff here. We're not just talking about, you 00:01:16.810 --> 00:01:19.549 know, movie villains curling their mustaches 00:01:19.549 --> 00:01:22.689 or cult leaders or serial killers. Though they 00:01:22.689 --> 00:01:24.530 definitely use these tools. Oh, they use them 00:01:24.530 --> 00:01:27.689 masterfully. But what's so striking from the 00:01:27.689 --> 00:01:29.409 research stack we've pulled together for this 00:01:29.409 --> 00:01:32.790 deep dive is just how pervasive this is in the 00:01:32.790 --> 00:01:35.650 mundane. In the everyday. In the everyday. It's 00:01:35.650 --> 00:01:37.709 in your... Valerie negotiation. It's in your 00:01:37.709 --> 00:01:41.209 romantic relationship. It is deeply, deeply embedded 00:01:41.209 --> 00:01:43.750 in office politics. It's everywhere. It really 00:01:43.750 --> 00:01:45.750 is. It's in the water supply of social interaction. 00:01:45.989 --> 00:01:48.670 And our mission today is pretty specific. We 00:01:48.670 --> 00:01:50.590 want to decode the difference, the very fine 00:01:50.590 --> 00:01:53.739 line between. Honest persuasion, which is just, 00:01:53.760 --> 00:01:55.260 you know, trying to convince someone of something. 00:01:55.420 --> 00:01:58.060 And underhanded control. A critical line to draw. 00:01:58.219 --> 00:02:00.739 We want to look at the actual tools, the specific 00:02:00.739 --> 00:02:03.060 toolkit that people use to pull these invisible 00:02:03.060 --> 00:02:05.680 strings. And that distinction is vital. Yeah. 00:02:05.780 --> 00:02:08.520 Because influence is natural. I mean, we all 00:02:08.520 --> 00:02:10.939 influence each other constantly. Sure. If I tell 00:02:10.939 --> 00:02:13.139 you to try a new restaurant because the risotto 00:02:13.139 --> 00:02:16.060 is life changing, I'm influencing you. If I ask 00:02:16.060 --> 00:02:19.000 you to pass the salt, I'm influencing you. But 00:02:19.000 --> 00:02:22.319 manipulation. that is a different beast entirely 00:02:22.319 --> 00:02:25.520 it's a different species of interaction so let's 00:02:25.520 --> 00:02:28.460 start by defining that beast when we looked at 00:02:28.460 --> 00:02:30.939 the psychological definition in our source material 00:02:30.939 --> 00:02:33.500 it was Pretty specific, but also a little complex. 00:02:33.780 --> 00:02:36.860 It defined manipulation as an action designed 00:02:36.860 --> 00:02:39.819 to influence or control another person, usually 00:02:39.819 --> 00:02:42.580 in an underhanded or subtle manner to facilitate 00:02:42.580 --> 00:02:45.060 personal aims. That's the textbook definition. 00:02:45.400 --> 00:02:48.280 But let's break down the key components there 00:02:48.280 --> 00:02:50.319 because the devil is absolutely in the details. 00:02:50.500 --> 00:02:53.159 Okay. Underhanded or subtle. That is why it's 00:02:53.159 --> 00:02:54.960 so dangerous. If someone comes up to you in a 00:02:54.960 --> 00:02:57.300 dark alley and demands your wallet while holding 00:02:57.300 --> 00:02:59.780 a weapon, that's coercion. Right. It's robbery. 00:03:00.909 --> 00:03:03.409 It's terrifying, but it is honest in its intent. 00:03:03.729 --> 00:03:06.169 You know exactly what's happening. The transaction 00:03:06.169 --> 00:03:09.069 is transparent, your money or your safety. Right. 00:03:09.210 --> 00:03:10.949 You know you're being forced. There's no illusion 00:03:10.949 --> 00:03:13.909 of choice. Exactly. But if someone convinces 00:03:13.909 --> 00:03:15.930 you that giving them your wallet is actually 00:03:15.930 --> 00:03:18.949 a good idea or that you're a bad person if you 00:03:18.949 --> 00:03:21.449 don't give it to them or that they'll be heartbroken 00:03:21.449 --> 00:03:23.469 and destitute without it and it's your duty to 00:03:23.469 --> 00:03:26.490 save them, that is manipulation. It's a bypass 00:03:26.490 --> 00:03:29.389 of your defense mechanisms. It's hacking the 00:03:29.389 --> 00:03:32.060 system. And the source mentions some specific 00:03:32.060 --> 00:03:34.180 methods that fall under this umbrella. Yeah. 00:03:34.360 --> 00:03:37.879 Seduction, suggestion, coercion, and even blackmail. 00:03:38.020 --> 00:03:40.639 But it seems like the defining feature isn't 00:03:40.639 --> 00:03:44.080 just the method, but the cost. Yes. And this 00:03:44.080 --> 00:03:45.900 is the crucial nuance here, the thing that really 00:03:45.900 --> 00:03:47.939 separates it from other forms of interaction. 00:03:48.719 --> 00:03:50.960 Manipulation is generally considered dishonest 00:03:50.960 --> 00:03:53.699 because it comes at the expense of others. That's 00:03:53.699 --> 00:03:55.819 the key phrase for me. at the expense of others 00:03:55.819 --> 00:03:58.180 right the manipulator is facilitating their own 00:03:58.180 --> 00:04:00.539 personal aims but they aren't looking for a win 00:04:00.539 --> 00:04:03.379 -win in a healthy negotiation we both walk away 00:04:03.379 --> 00:04:06.560 happy In manipulation, they are looking for a 00:04:06.560 --> 00:04:10.479 win -lose. They win, you lose. The trick, and 00:04:10.479 --> 00:04:12.680 this is the scary part, is that they often engineer 00:04:12.680 --> 00:04:14.840 it so you don't realize you're losing until it's 00:04:14.840 --> 00:04:17.019 too late. Sometimes years later. Sometimes years 00:04:17.019 --> 00:04:19.279 later. You wake up one day and think, how did 00:04:19.279 --> 00:04:22.000 I get here? So it's inherently selfish. Inherently 00:04:22.000 --> 00:04:24.839 selfish and inherently exploitative. It treats 00:04:24.839 --> 00:04:26.899 the other person not as a human being with agency, 00:04:27.160 --> 00:04:30.100 rights, and feelings, but as an object. A resource. 00:04:30.240 --> 00:04:33.220 A resource to be mined. Now, speaking of mining, 00:04:33.339 --> 00:04:35.180 before we get too heavy into the psychology, 00:04:35.319 --> 00:04:37.379 I have to share this because I found it absolutely 00:04:37.379 --> 00:04:40.379 fascinating. The origin story of the word manipulation 00:04:40.379 --> 00:04:44.120 itself. Ah, yes. It didn't always mean mind games 00:04:44.120 --> 00:04:46.459 and emotional abuse. No, not at all. This is 00:04:46.459 --> 00:04:48.740 a great piece of linguistic history that actually 00:04:48.740 --> 00:04:51.459 illuminates the concept perfectly. So if we go 00:04:51.459 --> 00:04:54.540 back to 1730, manipulation was actually a technical 00:04:54.540 --> 00:04:57.079 term used in the mining industry. In mining. 00:04:57.279 --> 00:04:59.860 Yes, it referred to a specific method of digging 00:04:59.860 --> 00:05:03.420 ore. Which is such a grounded physical image. 00:05:03.519 --> 00:05:05.639 It's about moving earth. It's about extracting 00:05:05.639 --> 00:05:08.199 something valuable from the ground. Right. And 00:05:08.199 --> 00:05:11.439 it evolves from the French word manipule, which 00:05:11.439 --> 00:05:13.720 means a handful. A handful. It was actually used 00:05:13.720 --> 00:05:16.060 as a unit of measure for pharmacists back in 00:05:16.060 --> 00:05:18.040 the day. Like, take a manipule of this herb. 00:05:18.199 --> 00:05:20.579 So it started as a handful, literally handling 00:05:20.579 --> 00:05:23.540 raw materials with your hands. Exactly. And then 00:05:23.540 --> 00:05:26.779 by 1828, the definition shifts slightly to mean 00:05:26.779 --> 00:05:29.839 handling or managing people. But here's the kicker. 00:05:30.269 --> 00:05:33.269 It was still somewhat neutral. Oh, interesting. 00:05:33.589 --> 00:05:37.250 It was about skill. It was about adroitly managing 00:05:37.250 --> 00:05:40.230 a situation. It was a compliment to be a good 00:05:40.230 --> 00:05:44.089 manipulator of affairs. But then by 1864, we 00:05:44.089 --> 00:05:47.620 get the modern, darker meaning. managing or influencing 00:05:47.620 --> 00:05:50.060 specifically for one's own advantage. I love 00:05:50.060 --> 00:05:52.279 that evolution. It goes from handling earth to 00:05:52.279 --> 00:05:54.899 handling medicine to handling people. I think 00:05:54.899 --> 00:05:56.959 that handful route is really evocative. When 00:05:56.959 --> 00:05:59.540 you manipulate someone, psychologically speaking, 00:05:59.779 --> 00:06:01.339 you are trying to hold them in the palm of your 00:06:01.339 --> 00:06:03.759 hand. You're trying to mold them like clay or 00:06:03.759 --> 00:06:07.100 ore. That is a creepy but perfect image. Yeah. 00:06:07.199 --> 00:06:10.870 You are processing them. You are extracting value 00:06:10.870 --> 00:06:14.149 from them like they are a raw material in a mine. 00:06:14.410 --> 00:06:16.949 Precisely. You are processing them for your own 00:06:16.949 --> 00:06:19.629 gain. And that leads us directly to the core 00:06:19.629 --> 00:06:22.230 problem we face in everyday life. We know what 00:06:22.230 --> 00:06:24.550 manipulation is in theory. We just defined it. 00:06:24.810 --> 00:06:28.050 But in practice, in the real world, the line 00:06:28.050 --> 00:06:31.050 between I'm a great salesperson and I'm a manipulator 00:06:31.050 --> 00:06:34.709 can feel really, really blurry. It really can. 00:06:35.180 --> 00:06:37.120 I mean, we all try to get our way. We all want 00:06:37.120 --> 00:06:39.240 our kids to eat their vegetables or our boss 00:06:39.240 --> 00:06:42.899 to give us a raise. So what does the research 00:06:42.899 --> 00:06:45.060 say is the core distinction? How do I know if 00:06:45.060 --> 00:06:46.939 I'm just dealing with a persuasive person or 00:06:46.939 --> 00:06:49.319 someone who is, you know, dangerous? It fundamentally 00:06:49.319 --> 00:06:51.259 comes down to what we call the right of rejection. 00:06:51.480 --> 00:06:53.399 Right of rejection. OK, let's unpack that because 00:06:53.399 --> 00:06:54.899 it sounds like a legal term, but it's actually 00:06:54.899 --> 00:06:57.740 a psychological boundary. It is. So non -manipulative 00:06:57.740 --> 00:07:00.660 influence, healthy persuasion always respects 00:07:00.660 --> 00:07:03.399 the individual's right to accept or reject the 00:07:03.399 --> 00:07:06.920 influence. Always. Let's say I am trying to persuade 00:07:06.920 --> 00:07:09.120 you to watch a horror movie. I know you hate 00:07:09.120 --> 00:07:11.399 them, but I think this one is high art. Okay, 00:07:11.480 --> 00:07:13.959 a tough sell for me, but go on. I might tell 00:07:13.959 --> 00:07:15.759 you it has great acting. I might show you the 00:07:15.759 --> 00:07:18.860 trailer. I might offer to buy the popcorn. I 00:07:18.860 --> 00:07:22.120 am making a case. Okay, that's persuasion. You're 00:07:22.120 --> 00:07:24.759 advocating for your preference. Yes. But if you 00:07:24.759 --> 00:07:27.459 look at me and say, no, I really don't like being 00:07:27.459 --> 00:07:30.100 scared. I'm not going. And I say, OK, fair enough. 00:07:30.220 --> 00:07:33.600 Let's see a comedy instead. That was persuasion. 00:07:33.620 --> 00:07:36.139 It's harmless. It was harmless. Because I had 00:07:36.139 --> 00:07:39.339 the freedom to say no without consequence. Exactly. 00:07:39.540 --> 00:07:42.740 You were not coerced. Your autonomy was respected. 00:07:42.939 --> 00:07:45.680 The interaction was safe. You walked away unscathed. 00:07:46.720 --> 00:07:49.800 Manipulation, on the other hand. it exploits 00:07:49.800 --> 00:07:52.079 vulnerabilities to bypass that right of rejection. 00:07:52.420 --> 00:07:55.000 It makes it difficult to say no. It makes it 00:07:55.000 --> 00:07:57.519 psychologically costly or impossible for you 00:07:57.519 --> 00:07:59.779 to say no. So using that same movie example, 00:08:00.060 --> 00:08:02.300 what does manipulation look like in that scenario? 00:08:02.660 --> 00:08:04.819 Okay, manipulation would be me saying, you know, 00:08:04.839 --> 00:08:06.540 if you don't come to this movie with me, it really 00:08:06.540 --> 00:08:08.300 proves you don't care about my interests. No. 00:08:08.500 --> 00:08:10.740 After everything I've done for you this week, 00:08:10.839 --> 00:08:13.160 you can't do this one thing. I guess I'll just 00:08:13.160 --> 00:08:15.240 go alone and sit there by myself and feel terrible. 00:08:15.399 --> 00:08:17.959 Okay, I feel the difference immediately. My stomach 00:08:17.959 --> 00:08:19.959 dropped a little just hearing that. Right. Suddenly 00:08:19.959 --> 00:08:21.920 you aren't deciding about a movie anymore. The 00:08:21.920 --> 00:08:24.939 movie is irrelevant. No. You are deciding about 00:08:24.939 --> 00:08:28.240 whether you are a good friend or a selfish person. 00:08:29.160 --> 00:08:33.399 I have attached a cost to your no. I have weaponized 00:08:33.399 --> 00:08:36.039 the relationship. You've raised the stakes by 00:08:36.039 --> 00:08:39.460 exploiting my desire to be a good friend. You've 00:08:39.460 --> 00:08:42.840 hacked my empathy. Bingo. That is exploiting 00:08:42.840 --> 00:08:45.759 a vulnerability. Your desire to be a good friend 00:08:45.759 --> 00:08:47.620 or your fear of losing the relationship or your 00:08:47.620 --> 00:08:50.000 fear of conflict. It's no longer about the movie. 00:08:50.100 --> 00:08:52.200 It's about leverage. That makes so much sense. 00:08:52.460 --> 00:08:54.360 And the source also talks about the difference 00:08:54.360 --> 00:08:56.799 in goals between persuasion and manipulation. 00:08:57.240 --> 00:08:59.700 Right. Persuasion is usually context specific. 00:08:59.940 --> 00:09:02.220 I want you to buy this car. I want you to convert 00:09:02.220 --> 00:09:03.940 to this religion. I want you to vote for this 00:09:03.940 --> 00:09:07.340 candidate. It's moving you toward a desired action 00:09:07.340 --> 00:09:10.620 or belief. And it's neutral. It's viewed as neutral. 00:09:10.860 --> 00:09:14.120 It's not inherently good or bad. You can persuade 00:09:14.120 --> 00:09:17.100 someone to stop smoking, which is good. You can 00:09:17.100 --> 00:09:19.980 persuade them to start, which is bad. The tool 00:09:19.980 --> 00:09:22.899 itself is neutral. But manipulation is viewed 00:09:22.899 --> 00:09:26.899 specifically as negative or antisocial. Because 00:09:26.899 --> 00:09:29.500 it's about control. It creates a power imbalance. 00:09:29.899 --> 00:09:32.740 It is about subverting the other person's will. 00:09:32.940 --> 00:09:35.259 And here is a really important point from the 00:09:35.259 --> 00:09:38.100 research that often surprises people. Manipulative 00:09:38.100 --> 00:09:41.440 behavior is fundamentally intentional. This is 00:09:41.440 --> 00:09:44.559 something I really wanted to dig into. Do manipulators 00:09:44.559 --> 00:09:47.279 always know they are doing it? Because I feel 00:09:47.279 --> 00:09:49.159 like sometimes people just have bad habits or 00:09:49.159 --> 00:09:51.919 they learned it from their parents. It's a great 00:09:51.919 --> 00:09:54.340 question. According to the core definition we 00:09:54.340 --> 00:09:56.860 are looking at here, yes. The manipulator knows 00:09:56.860 --> 00:09:58.980 the consequences. They know exactly what they 00:09:58.980 --> 00:10:01.480 want out of the victim. It's calculated. It's 00:10:01.480 --> 00:10:03.519 a strategy? It's a strategy. Now, we will get 00:10:03.519 --> 00:10:05.639 into some exceptions later when we talk about 00:10:05.639 --> 00:10:07.720 certain personality disorders like borderline 00:10:07.720 --> 00:10:09.919 personality disorder, where it might be more 00:10:09.919 --> 00:10:12.279 of a panic reaction. But generally speaking, 00:10:12.559 --> 00:10:15.080 manipulation is a strategy. It is not an accident. 00:10:15.320 --> 00:10:17.360 So they aren't just stumbling into it. They are 00:10:17.360 --> 00:10:19.899 playing a game of chess. And you are the pawn. 00:10:20.279 --> 00:10:22.419 That is the perfect analogy. And to play chess, 00:10:22.580 --> 00:10:24.259 you need to understand the moves. You need a 00:10:24.259 --> 00:10:26.139 toolkit. You need to know how the knight moves 00:10:26.139 --> 00:10:28.639 and how the rook moves. Which brings us to section 00:10:28.639 --> 00:10:33.860 two of our deep dive. The toolkit. The how. The 00:10:33.860 --> 00:10:35.840 source material details a really interesting 00:10:35.840 --> 00:10:39.139 study by Buss et al. that looked at how people 00:10:39.139 --> 00:10:41.960 shape their environments. Basically, they asked, 00:10:42.120 --> 00:10:44.860 how do we get people to do what we want? This 00:10:44.860 --> 00:10:47.240 is the BUS study. It's a landmark piece of research 00:10:47.240 --> 00:10:50.059 because it categorized these behaviors scientifically. 00:10:50.279 --> 00:10:53.139 They didn't just speculate, they observed. And 00:10:53.139 --> 00:10:56.460 they identified six main tactics that people 00:10:56.460 --> 00:10:59.000 use to manipulate the social world around them. 00:10:59.159 --> 00:11:01.740 Six main tactics. Let's run through them because 00:11:01.740 --> 00:11:03.480 I think listeners will recognize these immediately 00:11:03.480 --> 00:11:05.759 either in others or uncomfortably in themselves. 00:11:06.080 --> 00:11:09.200 Yes. The first one is charm. Classic. The smile, 00:11:09.240 --> 00:11:11.159 the compliment, the hair toss. But there is an 00:11:11.159 --> 00:11:13.379 interesting nuance here. The study found charm 00:11:13.379 --> 00:11:16.419 is most often used to initiate behavior. To start 00:11:16.419 --> 00:11:18.840 something. Exactly. If I want you to start doing 00:11:18.840 --> 00:11:21.200 something like give me a job, loan me money, 00:11:21.320 --> 00:11:23.840 or go on a date with me, I use charm. It's the 00:11:23.840 --> 00:11:25.940 hook. You don't catch a fish with vinegar. Exactly. 00:11:26.000 --> 00:11:29.090 It's the hook. But once you are hooked, the tactics 00:11:29.090 --> 00:11:32.350 might change. The second tactic is the silent 00:11:32.350 --> 00:11:35.070 treatment. Oh, boy. And the study found this 00:11:35.070 --> 00:11:38.169 is often used to stop behavior. Oh, that is so 00:11:38.169 --> 00:11:40.190 true. If you're doing something I don't like, 00:11:40.289 --> 00:11:43.009 I just shut down. I withdraw. I stop answering 00:11:43.009 --> 00:11:45.820 texts. I become a ghost. And think about what 00:11:45.820 --> 00:11:48.340 that does to you physiologically. We are social 00:11:48.340 --> 00:11:51.100 animals. If someone you care about goes silent, 00:11:51.220 --> 00:11:54.179 your anxiety spikes. Your cortisol goes up. You 00:11:54.179 --> 00:11:56.139 start scrambling. You start scrambling. What 00:11:56.139 --> 00:11:58.820 did I do? How do I fix this? It forces me to 00:11:58.820 --> 00:12:00.980 chase you. And it forces you to stop whatever 00:12:00.980 --> 00:12:03.620 you were doing that annoyed them. It is a punishment 00:12:03.620 --> 00:12:05.919 mechanism designed to extinguish a behavior. 00:12:06.120 --> 00:12:08.820 It is essentially shunning, which is an ancient 00:12:08.820 --> 00:12:12.399 tribal punishment. Wow. Okay, so charm to start. 00:12:12.830 --> 00:12:15.570 Silent treatment, stop. What's next? Coercion. 00:12:15.610 --> 00:12:19.309 This is the heavy hand. Demands, criticism, yelling, 00:12:19.590 --> 00:12:21.909 threats. This is the do -it -or -else tactic. 00:12:22.049 --> 00:12:25.629 It relies on fear and exhaustion. Simple, effective, 00:12:26.009 --> 00:12:29.529 unpleasant. Then we have reason. Which sounds 00:12:29.529 --> 00:12:32.330 nice, right? We like reason. We consider ourselves 00:12:32.330 --> 00:12:34.309 rational beings. That sounds rational. Let me 00:12:34.309 --> 00:12:36.769 explain why you should do this. But reason can 00:12:36.769 --> 00:12:39.299 be weaponized. It's explaining why you should 00:12:39.299 --> 00:12:41.840 do something, often using logic to trap someone. 00:12:41.940 --> 00:12:44.299 How so? Like, it only makes sense that you do 00:12:44.299 --> 00:12:46.600 the dishes because I cooked, and statistically 00:12:46.600 --> 00:12:48.820 I contribute 20 % more to the household income, 00:12:48.919 --> 00:12:52.500 so really it's an economic equation. Ugh. It 00:12:52.500 --> 00:12:54.580 takes the emotion out of it to invalidate the 00:12:54.580 --> 00:12:56.559 other person's feelings. It makes the victim 00:12:56.559 --> 00:12:59.419 feel stupid for having feelings. Exactly. It 00:12:59.419 --> 00:13:02.360 disguises control as logic. If you argue with 00:13:02.360 --> 00:13:05.019 reason, you look irrational. It's a very clever 00:13:05.019 --> 00:13:07.480 trap, often used by highly intelligent manipulators. 00:13:07.639 --> 00:13:09.799 They will debate you into submission. Okay, what's 00:13:09.799 --> 00:13:12.399 next? Then there's regression. This is acting 00:13:12.399 --> 00:13:15.860 childish. Pouting, sulking, whining, stomping 00:13:15.860 --> 00:13:18.360 feet. I feel like we see this in adults way more 00:13:18.360 --> 00:13:20.889 than we'd like to admit. Absolutely. It plays 00:13:20.889 --> 00:13:23.889 on the other person's caretaking instinct. If 00:13:23.889 --> 00:13:26.269 I act like a helpless child or an upset toddler, 00:13:26.570 --> 00:13:29.769 you feel obligated to step in and fix it. You 00:13:29.769 --> 00:13:31.629 become the parent. You become the parent and 00:13:31.629 --> 00:13:33.870 you give me what I want just to stop the whining. 00:13:34.090 --> 00:13:36.190 And the last one of the big six is debasement. 00:13:36.330 --> 00:13:39.389 This is lowering oneself. I'm so stupid. I can't 00:13:39.389 --> 00:13:41.549 do this. Can you help me? I'm just a mess. I'd 00:13:41.549 --> 00:13:44.409 be lost without you. Playing the victim. Or playing 00:13:44.409 --> 00:13:47.840 incompetent. Weaponized incompetence falls under 00:13:47.840 --> 00:13:51.240 this. Ah, yes. If I degrade myself enough, you 00:13:51.240 --> 00:13:53.240 will take pity on me and do the work for me. 00:13:53.539 --> 00:13:56.019 Or you will refrain from criticizing me because 00:13:56.019 --> 00:13:58.399 I've already criticized myself so harshly. It's 00:13:58.399 --> 00:14:00.320 a preemptive strike on your own character to 00:14:00.320 --> 00:14:02.799 gain sympathy or avoid responsibility. Exactly. 00:14:02.860 --> 00:14:05.720 So those are the big six. But the expert analysis 00:14:05.720 --> 00:14:08.460 went even deeper in a secondary study and found 00:14:08.460 --> 00:14:12.399 12 distinct tactics, specifically in close relationships. 00:14:12.759 --> 00:14:15.200 Twelve. Twelve. And the list gets even more. 00:14:15.279 --> 00:14:18.080 specific and nuanced. Okay, let's pick out a 00:14:18.080 --> 00:14:19.779 few of the standout ones from that list of 12. 00:14:21.080 --> 00:14:23.139 Responsibility invocation really caught my eye. 00:14:23.240 --> 00:14:25.340 It sounds like a spell from Harry Potter, but 00:14:25.340 --> 00:14:29.460 it's much nastier. It is a powerful one. Responsibility 00:14:29.460 --> 00:14:32.019 invocation is getting someone to do something 00:14:32.019 --> 00:14:35.419 by appealing to their duty or their identity. 00:14:35.840 --> 00:14:38.080 Give me an example of how that sounds in a relationship. 00:14:38.440 --> 00:14:42.620 A good wife would have been already. If you were 00:14:42.620 --> 00:14:44.779 a real professional, you wouldn't mind working 00:14:44.779 --> 00:14:47.700 this weekend without pay. A supportive friend 00:14:47.700 --> 00:14:50.679 would lend me that money. That is heavy. It binds 00:14:50.679 --> 00:14:54.000 the request to your self image. It's an attack 00:14:54.000 --> 00:14:56.700 on who you think you are. It makes saying no 00:14:56.700 --> 00:15:00.159 an identity crisis. If you refuse the manipulation, 00:15:00.460 --> 00:15:02.659 you are admitting you aren't a good wife or a 00:15:02.659 --> 00:15:05.559 real professional. It's an attack on your definition 00:15:05.559 --> 00:15:08.110 of self. Okay, then there is social comparison. 00:15:08.429 --> 00:15:10.350 Look at how well the neighbors are doing. Their 00:15:10.350 --> 00:15:12.750 lawn looks amazing. Why doesn't our lawn look 00:15:12.750 --> 00:15:14.830 like that? My ex never had a problem with this. 00:15:14.990 --> 00:15:18.090 That's a brutal one. It introduces a third party 00:15:18.090 --> 00:15:21.190 to shame the victim. It leverages your insecurity 00:15:21.190 --> 00:15:24.070 and competitive nature. It tells you that you 00:15:24.070 --> 00:15:26.730 are failing compared to an arbitrary standard. 00:15:27.149 --> 00:15:29.169 Monetary rewards is on the list, too. That's 00:15:29.169 --> 00:15:31.309 a bit more straightforward. Bribery, essentially. 00:15:31.389 --> 00:15:34.549 Simple but effective. I'll buy you that bag if 00:15:34.549 --> 00:15:36.490 you let me go on this trip. And pleasure induction. 00:15:37.090 --> 00:15:40.730 Which sounds nice, but... It's basically, I'll 00:15:40.730 --> 00:15:43.250 make this fun for you if you do what I want. 00:15:43.429 --> 00:15:45.970 It's the spoonful sugar approach. Right. Again, 00:15:46.009 --> 00:15:48.029 it's not always malicious. Parents use this with 00:15:48.029 --> 00:15:50.809 kids all the time. But if I am only making it 00:15:50.809 --> 00:15:53.090 fun so I can get you to do something that benefits 00:15:53.090 --> 00:15:56.169 me and hurts you, it's manipulation. And then 00:15:56.169 --> 00:15:59.610 there's hardball. The name alone tells you something. 00:15:59.830 --> 00:16:02.210 Hardball covers threats, deception, and physical 00:16:02.210 --> 00:16:05.009 aggression. It's the nuclear option. If you leave, 00:16:05.049 --> 00:16:07.110 I'll hurt myself. If you don't sign this, I'll 00:16:07.110 --> 00:16:09.470 ruin your reputation. I will take the kids. Exactly. 00:16:09.649 --> 00:16:13.210 It's the most overt and aggressive form of coercion. 00:16:13.309 --> 00:16:15.730 What's fascinating to me is how the source connects 00:16:15.730 --> 00:16:19.370 these tactics to personality types. We've talked 00:16:19.370 --> 00:16:21.330 about the big five personality traits on the 00:16:21.330 --> 00:16:24.710 show before. Openness, conscientiousness, extroversion, 00:16:24.850 --> 00:16:28.070 agreeableness, neuroticism. Yes, the ocean model. 00:16:28.309 --> 00:16:31.429 It turns out your personality might predict which 00:16:31.429 --> 00:16:34.110 weapon you choose from this toolkit. It's the 00:16:34.110 --> 00:16:36.750 idea that people aren't passive. We select our 00:16:36.750 --> 00:16:39.230 environments and we manipulate the people in 00:16:39.230 --> 00:16:41.309 them to fit our personality. We use the tools 00:16:41.309 --> 00:16:43.309 that feel natural to us. It's like a carpenter 00:16:43.309 --> 00:16:45.470 using a hammer and a surgeon using a scalpel. 00:16:46.080 --> 00:16:49.259 Perfect analogy. So let's look at surgency, which 00:16:49.259 --> 00:16:52.980 is basically extroversion. High energy, dominant, 00:16:53.179 --> 00:16:56.279 assertive people. What do they use? They are 00:16:56.279 --> 00:16:59.220 linked to coercion and responsibility invocation. 00:16:59.480 --> 00:17:01.480 That makes sense. They are loud. They are out 00:17:01.480 --> 00:17:03.519 there. They demand things. Right. They are comfortable 00:17:03.519 --> 00:17:05.559 taking up space and telling people what their 00:17:05.559 --> 00:17:08.220 duty is. They are afraid of a head -on collision. 00:17:08.519 --> 00:17:11.480 They use their social dominance to overwhelm. 00:17:11.559 --> 00:17:14.240 What about agreeable people? You'd think they 00:17:14.240 --> 00:17:16.559 wouldn't manipulate. Agreeable means nice, right? 00:17:16.720 --> 00:17:20.710 It means getting along. Ugh, but they do. Everyone 00:17:20.710 --> 00:17:22.710 manipulates to some degree. They just use different 00:17:22.710 --> 00:17:25.690 tools. Agreeableness is linked to pleasure induction. 00:17:26.049 --> 00:17:28.809 They manipulate by being nice, by making things 00:17:28.809 --> 00:17:31.069 pleasant so you go along with them. Killing them 00:17:31.069 --> 00:17:33.309 with kindness. Literally. It's still manipulation 00:17:33.309 --> 00:17:36.009 if the goal is control, even if the method is 00:17:36.009 --> 00:17:38.750 sugar. If I am super nice to you just so you 00:17:38.750 --> 00:17:41.089 won't check my receipts or so you'll forgive 00:17:41.089 --> 00:17:43.670 my mistake without checking the details, I am 00:17:43.670 --> 00:17:46.549 manipulating you. And disagreeable people. Let 00:17:46.549 --> 00:17:50.000 me guess. Coercion. No surprise there. If you 00:17:50.000 --> 00:17:52.660 are disagreeable, you don't mind the conflict. 00:17:52.819 --> 00:17:55.700 You might even enjoy it. You use the silent treatment 00:17:55.700 --> 00:17:57.500 and coercion because you don't care if you break 00:17:57.500 --> 00:17:59.799 the social bond. Here is one that hit close to 00:17:59.799 --> 00:18:03.200 home. Conscientiousness. These are the organized, 00:18:03.240 --> 00:18:06.660 diligent people. The planners. The list makers. 00:18:06.940 --> 00:18:08.799 They are linked to reason. Of course they are. 00:18:08.900 --> 00:18:10.640 They will explain to you, with a spreadsheet 00:18:10.640 --> 00:18:13.700 and a three -point plan, exactly why you need 00:18:13.700 --> 00:18:16.240 to do what they want. That is hard to argue with. 00:18:16.559 --> 00:18:18.859 Which is why it's so effective. It disguises 00:18:18.859 --> 00:18:22.000 control as logic. They aren't bossing you around. 00:18:22.359 --> 00:18:24.920 They're just optimizing the workflow. They manipulate 00:18:24.920 --> 00:18:27.619 by controlling the flow of information and logic. 00:18:27.819 --> 00:18:31.059 And lastly, emotional instability or neuroticism. 00:18:31.200 --> 00:18:34.460 They are linked to regression. The pouting, the 00:18:34.460 --> 00:18:37.119 sulking, their emotions are volatile, so they 00:18:37.119 --> 00:18:39.640 use that volatility to control the climate of 00:18:39.640 --> 00:18:42.099 the room. Walking on eggshells. That's the feeling 00:18:42.099 --> 00:18:44.079 you have around this tactic. You do what they 00:18:44.079 --> 00:18:46.099 want just to keep the emotional weather calm. 00:18:46.680 --> 00:18:49.160 It's amazing to think that our personality isn't 00:18:49.160 --> 00:18:52.160 just who we are. It's how we try to bend the 00:18:52.160 --> 00:18:54.759 world to our will. We are all trying to shape 00:18:54.759 --> 00:18:56.839 our reality. The question is, are we respecting 00:18:56.839 --> 00:18:59.680 the people around us while we do it? Or are we 00:18:59.680 --> 00:19:01.799 treating them like tools? So that's the academic 00:19:01.799 --> 00:19:04.339 toolkit. But let's move to section three, pop 00:19:04.339 --> 00:19:06.900 psychology perspectives. Because some authors 00:19:06.900 --> 00:19:09.019 have really crystallized this in ways that are 00:19:09.019 --> 00:19:12.140 very recognizable in everyday life. We have George 00:19:12.140 --> 00:19:14.859 K. Simon, who wrote In Cheap's Clothing. Yes. 00:19:14.980 --> 00:19:17.559 Simon is a classic in this field. He talks about 00:19:17.559 --> 00:19:20.920 successful manipulation. And he posits that there 00:19:20.920 --> 00:19:23.140 are three requirements for a manipulator to actually 00:19:23.140 --> 00:19:25.339 pull it off. It's like a recipe for control. 00:19:25.559 --> 00:19:28.099 This list is chilling. Let's go through it. It 00:19:28.099 --> 00:19:31.400 is. The first requirement is concealing aggressive 00:19:31.400 --> 00:19:34.920 intentions. Appearing affable. The wolf in sheep's 00:19:34.920 --> 00:19:37.799 clothing. Exactly. To be a successful manipulator, 00:19:37.839 --> 00:19:40.539 you cannot look like you are fighting. You have 00:19:40.539 --> 00:19:42.700 to look like a friend. Why is that so important? 00:19:43.019 --> 00:19:44.960 Because if I come at you with a sword, you put 00:19:44.960 --> 00:19:47.420 up a shield. If I come at you with a hug, you 00:19:47.420 --> 00:19:50.480 lower your guard. The manipulator relies on your 00:19:50.480 --> 00:19:54.299 trust. That is terrifyingly simple. If I know 00:19:54.299 --> 00:19:57.059 you are my enemy, I can defend myself. If I think 00:19:57.059 --> 00:20:00.099 you are my ally, I'm vulnerable. Correct. The 00:20:00.099 --> 00:20:02.940 second requirement. Knowing the victim's vulnerabilities. 00:20:03.380 --> 00:20:05.460 You have to know where to press. Exactly. You 00:20:05.460 --> 00:20:07.339 need to know the topography of the victim's psyche. 00:20:07.599 --> 00:20:09.859 You need to know if this person is insecure about 00:20:09.859 --> 00:20:11.940 their intelligence or desperate for approval 00:20:11.940 --> 00:20:14.279 or afraid of conflict. Once you know the button, 00:20:14.359 --> 00:20:16.380 you can push it. So you find the bruise and you 00:20:16.380 --> 00:20:19.259 press on it. You find the bruise and you press 00:20:19.259 --> 00:20:22.519 on it. If I know you are terrified of being called 00:20:22.519 --> 00:20:25.579 selfish, I can make you do almost anything just 00:20:25.579 --> 00:20:27.380 by hinting that you're being selfish. And the 00:20:27.380 --> 00:20:29.990 third requirement. Ruthlessness. Ruthlessness. 00:20:30.269 --> 00:20:32.809 That's a strong word. It is. You have to have 00:20:32.809 --> 00:20:35.950 no qualms about causing harm. If you have a conscience 00:20:35.950 --> 00:20:37.650 that kicks in halfway through and says, oh, I 00:20:37.650 --> 00:20:39.690 shouldn't be doing this, I'm hurting them, you 00:20:39.690 --> 00:20:41.670 will fail as a manipulator. You have to be okay 00:20:41.670 --> 00:20:44.190 with the collateral damage. You have to be willing 00:20:44.190 --> 00:20:46.670 to hurt the other person to get your way. You 00:20:46.670 --> 00:20:49.150 have to prioritize your win over their pain. 00:20:49.849 --> 00:20:52.349 Simon also lists some specific techniques that 00:20:52.349 --> 00:20:55.970 fit this ruthless profile. Lying by commission 00:20:55.970 --> 00:20:59.470 versus lying by omission. Lying by commission 00:20:59.470 --> 00:21:03.029 is the active lie. I did not eat the last cookie. 00:21:03.549 --> 00:21:07.210 Simple. Lying by omission is just not mentioning 00:21:07.210 --> 00:21:09.289 that you ate it. That's what you don't say. Or 00:21:09.289 --> 00:21:11.269 withholding a crucial piece of information that 00:21:11.269 --> 00:21:14.049 would change the other person's decision. It's 00:21:14.049 --> 00:21:16.730 forgetting to tell you the car has a leaky engine. 00:21:16.829 --> 00:21:19.630 It allows you to maintain plausible deniability. 00:21:20.069 --> 00:21:23.650 And then there is denial. Just flat out refusing 00:21:23.650 --> 00:21:26.509 to admit wrongdoing. Which creates a reality 00:21:26.509 --> 00:21:30.410 distortion field. If I deny it with enough confidence, 00:21:30.750 --> 00:21:33.670 I never said that, you're making things up, you 00:21:33.670 --> 00:21:36.750 start to question your own memory. That is the 00:21:36.750 --> 00:21:39.609 seed of gaslighting. Rationalization is another 00:21:39.609 --> 00:21:42.690 big one. The excuse machine. I only yell to you 00:21:42.690 --> 00:21:45.259 because I've had a stressful day at work. I cheated 00:21:45.259 --> 00:21:46.799 because you haven't been affectionate lately. 00:21:47.140 --> 00:21:49.079 It's always someone else's fault. It makes the 00:21:49.079 --> 00:21:53.079 bad behavior seem logical or inevitable. It shifts 00:21:53.079 --> 00:21:55.299 the blame from the perpetrator to the situation 00:21:55.299 --> 00:21:58.839 or to the victim. Indiversion. Steering the conversation 00:21:58.839 --> 00:22:00.900 away. Why are we talking about what I did? Look 00:22:00.900 --> 00:22:03.519 at what you did three years ago. Classic whataboutism. 00:22:03.660 --> 00:22:06.799 It works because it takes the heat off the manipulator. 00:22:07.099 --> 00:22:09.420 Suddenly, you are defending yourself instead 00:22:09.420 --> 00:22:11.799 of holding them accountable. The conversation 00:22:11.799 --> 00:22:14.180 has been hijacked. Now, Harriet B. Breaker has 00:22:14.180 --> 00:22:16.940 another list focusing on the controller. And 00:22:16.940 --> 00:22:18.819 what stood out to me here was that she includes 00:22:18.819 --> 00:22:21.420 positive things. We usually think of manipulation 00:22:21.420 --> 00:22:24.420 as punishment, but she talks about positive reinforcement. 00:22:25.019 --> 00:22:28.279 Yes, this is crucial. If I only punished you, 00:22:28.319 --> 00:22:30.970 you would eventually leave or fight back. So 00:22:30.970 --> 00:22:32.630 I have to keep you hooked. The carrot and the 00:22:32.630 --> 00:22:36.029 stick. Exactly. Breaker points out things like 00:22:36.029 --> 00:22:38.990 excessive apologizing, forced laughter, superficial 00:22:38.990 --> 00:22:41.769 charm. Crocodile tears. Superficial sympathy. 00:22:42.329 --> 00:22:45.029 It's faking an emotion to get a response. Yeah. 00:22:45.089 --> 00:22:48.049 She also mentions. negative reinforcement in 00:22:48.049 --> 00:22:51.349 a specific way, using relief as a reward. Explain 00:22:51.349 --> 00:22:53.650 that. That seems counterintuitive. This is the 00:22:53.650 --> 00:22:56.430 stop hitting you principle. If I am yelling at 00:22:56.430 --> 00:22:58.910 you, creating a high stress environment, and 00:22:58.910 --> 00:23:01.150 then I stop yelling the moment you agree with 00:23:01.150 --> 00:23:05.519 me. That sudden silence, that relief you feel, 00:23:05.579 --> 00:23:08.500 that is a reward. My brain goes, oh, thank God 00:23:08.500 --> 00:23:10.440 it stopped. Exactly. And your brain learns a 00:23:10.440 --> 00:23:13.940 lesson. If I agree, the pain stops. I have reinforced 00:23:13.940 --> 00:23:16.240 your compliance by removing the pain. It's conditioning. 00:23:16.539 --> 00:23:19.299 That is incredibly dark. It's like training an 00:23:19.299 --> 00:23:21.559 animal. It is exactly like operant conditioning. 00:23:21.779 --> 00:23:24.279 It's Pavlovian. She also lists the heavy hitters 00:23:24.279 --> 00:23:27.140 we've touched on. Gaslighting, emotional blackmail, 00:23:27.279 --> 00:23:29.779 guilt tripping. Gaslighting is mentioned as a 00:23:29.779 --> 00:23:32.759 key tactic here. It's making the victim question 00:23:32.759 --> 00:23:35.880 their own reality. That didn't happen. You're 00:23:35.880 --> 00:23:38.359 crazy. You're imagining things. It's an erosion 00:23:38.359 --> 00:23:41.240 of self. It destabilizes the victim so much that 00:23:41.240 --> 00:23:43.680 they rely on the manipulator to tell them what 00:23:43.680 --> 00:23:46.059 is real. Now, we've talked about the manipulator, 00:23:46.160 --> 00:23:49.900 but what about the target? Martin Cantor outlines 00:23:49.900 --> 00:23:53.720 a victim profile. Who is susceptible to this? 00:23:54.180 --> 00:23:56.799 Are some of us more prone to being played than 00:23:56.799 --> 00:23:59.259 others? Cantor suggests that certain traits make 00:23:59.259 --> 00:24:02.480 you a magnet for this. Dependency, immaturity, 00:24:02.579 --> 00:24:05.220 being naive. That makes sense. If you're a dependent, 00:24:05.440 --> 00:24:07.259 you can't leave. But he also lists some traits 00:24:07.259 --> 00:24:10.660 we usually think of as good. Like altruism. This 00:24:10.660 --> 00:24:13.119 is the tragic part. If you are highly altruistic, 00:24:13.200 --> 00:24:15.410 you want to help. you want to see the best in 00:24:15.410 --> 00:24:18.369 people a manipulator sees that desire to help 00:24:18.369 --> 00:24:20.730 not as a virtue but as a handle they can grab 00:24:20.730 --> 00:24:22.829 a vulnerability oh you want to save me great 00:24:22.829 --> 00:24:25.390 let me use that the damsel in distress tactic 00:24:25.390 --> 00:24:28.329 works best on knight in shining armor being trust 00:24:28.329 --> 00:24:30.970 if you assume everyone is good you won't see 00:24:30.970 --> 00:24:33.529 the knife coming you will project your own goodness 00:24:33.529 --> 00:24:36.049 onto the manipulator you'll think i wouldn't 00:24:36.049 --> 00:24:38.829 do that so they must not be doing that and interestingly 00:24:38.829 --> 00:24:42.900 he mentions greed yes The con artist relies on 00:24:42.900 --> 00:24:44.940 the victim's greed. I can get you rich quick. 00:24:45.140 --> 00:24:47.779 If you weren't greedy, the manipulation wouldn't 00:24:47.779 --> 00:24:49.839 work. So it's not just about being too nice. 00:24:50.509 --> 00:24:53.190 You can't con an honest man, as the old saying 00:24:53.190 --> 00:24:56.089 goes, which isn't entirely true, but greed certainly 00:24:56.089 --> 00:24:58.450 opens the door. So it's a mix of innocence and 00:24:58.450 --> 00:25:00.890 vice that can make you vulnerable. Exactly. It's 00:25:00.890 --> 00:25:03.910 any intense desire or need that can be leveraged. 00:25:03.950 --> 00:25:06.509 If you need nothing, you are very hard to manipulate. 00:25:06.750 --> 00:25:09.549 If you are desperate for love, for money, for 00:25:09.549 --> 00:25:13.890 approval, you are an easy target. OK, so we know 00:25:13.890 --> 00:25:16.809 what it is and we know how it works. But how 00:25:16.809 --> 00:25:19.490 do psychologists actually measure this? You can't 00:25:19.490 --> 00:25:21.589 just look at someone and say, you score a 10 00:25:21.589 --> 00:25:24.789 on the evil scale. Or can you? Well, actually, 00:25:24.910 --> 00:25:26.829 they have tried to build scales exactly like 00:25:26.829 --> 00:25:28.690 that. We love to measure things in psychology. 00:25:29.130 --> 00:25:31.789 Of course they have. Let's talk about the MACHV. 00:25:32.089 --> 00:25:34.569 Named after Niccolo Machiavelli, the Renaissance 00:25:34.569 --> 00:25:37.009 author of The Prince, who basically wrote the 00:25:37.009 --> 00:25:40.000 handbook on political manipulation. The ends 00:25:40.000 --> 00:25:43.700 justify the means. So Machiavellianism is a construct 00:25:43.700 --> 00:25:47.539 of manipulativeness. Correct. And the MACH4 is 00:25:47.539 --> 00:25:50.819 the standard tool to measure it. It asks questions 00:25:50.819 --> 00:25:53.559 to gauge your willingness to deceive and manipulate. 00:25:53.819 --> 00:25:56.500 What kind of question? It asks things like, is 00:25:56.500 --> 00:25:58.859 it better to be humble and honest or important 00:25:58.859 --> 00:26:01.720 and dishonest? Do you believe most people are 00:26:01.720 --> 00:26:04.140 good or that most people will cheat if given 00:26:04.140 --> 00:26:07.160 the chance? And if you score high on the MACH4, 00:26:07.339 --> 00:26:09.259 what does that say about you? It means you have 00:26:09.259 --> 00:26:12.900 a high agency, low communion style. You want 00:26:12.900 --> 00:26:15.299 to dominate, you want to win, and you don't care 00:26:15.299 --> 00:26:17.519 about connecting or communing with others. You 00:26:17.519 --> 00:26:20.220 view people as pawns on a board that you are 00:26:20.220 --> 00:26:22.599 playing. Then there's the dirty dozen, which 00:26:22.599 --> 00:26:24.440 sounds like a Western movie. It sounds cool, 00:26:24.500 --> 00:26:26.380 but it measures something very dark. It measures 00:26:26.380 --> 00:26:28.819 the dark triad. The dark triad sounds like a 00:26:28.819 --> 00:26:31.680 supervillain group. It kind of is. The Dark Triad 00:26:31.680 --> 00:26:34.839 consists of narcissism, entitlement, grandiosity, 00:26:35.180 --> 00:26:40.599 psychopathy, callousness, impulsivity, and Machiavellianism, 00:26:40.619 --> 00:26:43.059 strategic manipulation. And the Dirty Dozen. 00:26:43.420 --> 00:26:46.180 Measures all three. Yes. It's a concise 12 -item 00:26:46.180 --> 00:26:48.799 test. It asks you to rate statements like, I 00:26:48.799 --> 00:26:51.960 tend to manipulate others to get my way. I tend 00:26:51.960 --> 00:26:55.039 to lack remorse. I tend to want others to admire 00:26:55.039 --> 00:26:57.059 me. So if you take the dirty dozen and score 00:26:57.059 --> 00:26:59.980 high, you are essentially statistically likely 00:26:59.980 --> 00:27:03.279 to be a manipulator. Yes. You likely lack empathy 00:27:03.279 --> 00:27:05.960 and view others as objects to be used. It's a 00:27:05.960 --> 00:27:07.779 quick and dirty way to spot these tendencies. 00:27:08.279 --> 00:27:10.519 Now there is a newer tool mentioned in the source. 00:27:11.049 --> 00:27:14.690 from 2013 called the MIOS, the Managing the Emotions 00:27:14.690 --> 00:27:17.309 of Others Scale. This one provides a lot more 00:27:17.309 --> 00:27:19.230 nuance because as we touched on earlier, managing 00:27:19.230 --> 00:27:21.250 emotions isn't always bad. It's not black and 00:27:21.250 --> 00:27:23.630 white. Right. If my friend is sad and I tell 00:27:23.630 --> 00:27:25.930 a joke to cheer them up, I am technically managing 00:27:25.930 --> 00:27:28.809 their emotions. I am intervening. Exactly. That 00:27:28.809 --> 00:27:30.950 is mood enhancement. It's pro -social. You are 00:27:30.950 --> 00:27:32.930 doing it for their benefit. You are trying to 00:27:32.930 --> 00:27:35.130 lift them up. So the MIOS breaks it down into 00:27:35.130 --> 00:27:38.450 six categories. Mood enhancement is one. But 00:27:38.450 --> 00:27:41.339 then there is mood worsening. This is the dark 00:27:41.339 --> 00:27:43.640 side. Why would you want to worsen someone's 00:27:43.640 --> 00:27:46.619 mood? To make them feel small. To punish them. 00:27:46.680 --> 00:27:49.019 To lower their confidence. To make them dependent. 00:27:49.299 --> 00:27:52.579 Or simply to punish them. The MIOS measures your 00:27:52.579 --> 00:27:55.400 capacity and willingness to do that. It asks 00:27:55.400 --> 00:27:57.900 you to rate things like, I sometimes sulk to 00:27:57.900 --> 00:28:00.359 make others feel bad. It also measures concealing 00:28:00.359 --> 00:28:04.109 emotions and inauthenticity. Inauthenticity is 00:28:04.109 --> 00:28:06.369 key. It links back to that wolf in sheep's clothing. 00:28:06.710 --> 00:28:09.069 If you score high on inauthenticity, you are 00:28:09.069 --> 00:28:11.329 good at faking it. You can smile when you are 00:28:11.329 --> 00:28:13.250 angry. You can cry when you are bored. You are 00:28:13.250 --> 00:28:15.750 an actor on a stage. And the source makes a connection 00:28:15.750 --> 00:28:19.329 here to the Hexaco personality model. Yes. High 00:28:19.329 --> 00:28:21.609 capacity for inauthenticity on the MIOS links 00:28:21.609 --> 00:28:25.049 to low honesty humility on the Hexaco. Basically, 00:28:25.170 --> 00:28:27.150 if you are good at faking emotions, you are likely 00:28:27.150 --> 00:28:29.529 not a very humble or honest person. You are comfortable 00:28:29.529 --> 00:28:32.500 wearing a mask. It also mentions diversion, again, 00:28:32.559 --> 00:28:35.880 using distraction to enhance mood or avoid conflict. 00:28:36.200 --> 00:28:38.480 Right. So this scale acknowledges that manipulation 00:28:38.480 --> 00:28:41.119 is a spectrum. Cheering someone up is on one 00:28:41.119 --> 00:28:43.420 end, gaslighting them is on the other. But they 00:28:43.420 --> 00:28:46.420 rely on similar mechanisms of emotional intelligence. 00:28:46.920 --> 00:28:49.440 Absolutely. You need to understand emotions to 00:28:49.440 --> 00:28:52.380 fix them or to break them. That is a spooky thought. 00:28:52.619 --> 00:28:56.480 That empathy, knowing how someone feels, is the 00:28:56.480 --> 00:28:58.799 prerequisite for manipulating them effectively. 00:28:59.809 --> 00:29:02.349 You have to understand the machine to break it. 00:29:02.410 --> 00:29:03.769 You have to know where the strings are before 00:29:03.769 --> 00:29:06.849 you can pull them. A psychopath with high cognitive 00:29:06.849 --> 00:29:10.509 empathy, knowing what you feel, but low affective 00:29:10.509 --> 00:29:12.809 empathy, caring what you feel, is a very dangerous 00:29:12.809 --> 00:29:15.150 person. This leads us perfectly into Section 00:29:15.150 --> 00:29:18.869 5. We have to talk about the clinical side. Manipulation 00:29:18.869 --> 00:29:21.430 and mental disorders. This is a heavy area. The 00:29:21.430 --> 00:29:23.450 source notes that manipulative behavior actually 00:29:23.450 --> 00:29:25.930 makes it really hard for psychiatrists to treat 00:29:25.930 --> 00:29:28.420 patients. Why is that? Because it triggers negative 00:29:28.420 --> 00:29:30.880 reactions in the therapist. If a patient is trying 00:29:30.880 --> 00:29:33.200 to manipulate the doctor, trying to get special 00:29:33.200 --> 00:29:35.740 treatment, trying to get specific drugs, or trying 00:29:35.740 --> 00:29:38.960 to guilt trip the therapist, it strains the therapeutic 00:29:38.960 --> 00:29:41.539 alliance. It's exhausting for the clinician. 00:29:41.759 --> 00:29:44.119 It creates a battlefield in the therapy room. 00:29:44.380 --> 00:29:46.599 And this is often linked to cluster B disorders. 00:29:46.980 --> 00:29:51.140 Cluster B is the dramatic, emotional, or erratic 00:29:51.140 --> 00:29:54.119 cluster in the DSM -5. So let's look at antisocial 00:29:54.119 --> 00:29:57.339 personality disorder, ASPD. This is what we often 00:29:57.339 --> 00:30:00.539 colloquially call sociopathy. In the DSM -5, 00:30:00.700 --> 00:30:03.440 the diagnostic manual, manipulation is an explicit 00:30:03.440 --> 00:30:06.480 criterion for ASPD. So you literally have to 00:30:06.480 --> 00:30:08.559 be manipulative to be diagnosed with it. Yes. 00:30:08.579 --> 00:30:12.039 It lists behaviors like using aliases, criminal 00:30:12.039 --> 00:30:14.559 fraud, and lying repeatedly for profit or pleasure. 00:30:15.230 --> 00:30:17.650 It is central to the disorder. And psychopathy. 00:30:17.750 --> 00:30:20.009 Psychopathy is a related syndrome often measured 00:30:20.009 --> 00:30:22.410 by the hair psychopathy checklist. It features 00:30:22.410 --> 00:30:24.890 pathological lying and superficial charm. And 00:30:24.890 --> 00:30:27.869 manipulation for personal gain. Always. And in 00:30:27.869 --> 00:30:30.569 the workplace, Paul Babiak, a researcher mentioned 00:30:30.569 --> 00:30:33.789 in the text, views manipulation as a core feature 00:30:33.789 --> 00:30:37.089 of how psychopaths operate in offices. They charm 00:30:37.089 --> 00:30:39.750 their way up and kick others down. The snakes 00:30:39.750 --> 00:30:42.490 in suits. That's the term. They look like leaders, 00:30:42.670 --> 00:30:45.750 but they are predators. Then we have narcissistic 00:30:45.750 --> 00:30:49.089 personality disorder, NPD. NPD is characterized 00:30:49.089 --> 00:30:53.190 by exhibitionism, a lack of empathy, and exploitative 00:30:53.190 --> 00:30:56.859 behavior. The source used a phrase I loved. antagonistic 00:30:56.859 --> 00:30:59.400 self -protection that is a great phrase from 00:30:59.400 --> 00:31:02.319 the source their ego is incredibly fragile like 00:31:02.319 --> 00:31:04.980 a balloon so they protect it by attacking others 00:31:04.980 --> 00:31:07.420 they manipulate to maintain their delusion of 00:31:07.420 --> 00:31:09.880 superiority they need to win they need to be 00:31:09.880 --> 00:31:11.859 the most beautiful or the most successful and 00:31:11.859 --> 00:31:14.140 they will use people to get that validation if 00:31:14.140 --> 00:31:16.880 you stop validating them they discard you now 00:31:16.880 --> 00:31:18.839 here is where it gets really interesting and 00:31:18.839 --> 00:31:23.220 nuanced borderline personality disorder We often 00:31:23.220 --> 00:31:25.500 hear BBD associated with manipulation. Oh, she's 00:31:25.500 --> 00:31:27.819 borderline. She's manipulative. But the source 00:31:27.819 --> 00:31:30.259 makes a crucial distinction here. This is a vital 00:31:30.259 --> 00:31:34.180 correction. Historically, BPD patients were labeled 00:31:34.180 --> 00:31:36.839 as manipulative by doctors who were frustrated 00:31:36.839 --> 00:31:39.880 with them. Right. But experts like Marsha Linehan, 00:31:39.980 --> 00:31:42.859 who developed dialectical behavior therapy, argue 00:31:42.859 --> 00:31:45.200 that this is a misunderstanding. The source says 00:31:45.200 --> 00:31:48.440 BPD manipulation is often unintentional. Right. 00:31:48.910 --> 00:31:51.930 It's labeled dysfunctional influence. When a 00:31:51.930 --> 00:31:54.910 person with BPD acts out, maybe making threats 00:31:54.910 --> 00:31:57.970 of self -harm or calling you 50 times in an hour. 00:31:58.430 --> 00:32:00.789 It's not a calculated plot like the psychopath. 00:32:01.130 --> 00:32:03.690 It is an unthinking manifestation of intense 00:32:03.690 --> 00:32:06.450 pain and fear of abandonment. So they aren't 00:32:06.450 --> 00:32:08.309 trying to control you for gain. They are trying 00:32:08.309 --> 00:32:11.170 to stop their own suffering. Exactly. They are 00:32:11.170 --> 00:32:14.289 emotional burn victims. They are drowning. And 00:32:14.289 --> 00:32:16.410 when you are drowning, you might grab onto the 00:32:16.410 --> 00:32:18.589 swimmer next to you and pull them down. It looks 00:32:18.589 --> 00:32:20.269 like an attack, but it's actually panic. That 00:32:20.269 --> 00:32:22.049 is such a compassionate way to look at it. It 00:32:22.049 --> 00:32:24.069 changes how you respond. It does. And because 00:32:24.069 --> 00:32:27.569 of that, the DSM -5 actually removed manipulation 00:32:27.569 --> 00:32:30.809 as a defining characteristic of BPD because intent 00:32:30.809 --> 00:32:33.269 matters. Intent is everything. The psychopath 00:32:33.269 --> 00:32:37.210 intends to use you. The person with BPD intends 00:32:37.210 --> 00:32:39.890 to survive. It's a world of difference. That's 00:32:39.890 --> 00:32:42.809 a huge shift. One final disorder mentioned is 00:32:42.809 --> 00:32:45.930 factitious disorder. This is the Munchausen syndrome 00:32:45.930 --> 00:32:49.529 type stuff. Yes. Faking illness. And this is 00:32:49.529 --> 00:32:51.730 a very strange form of manipulation. What is 00:32:51.730 --> 00:32:55.660 the goal? To assume the sick role, they manipulate 00:32:55.660 --> 00:32:58.539 doctors and family members to get care, to get 00:32:58.539 --> 00:33:01.359 sympathy, or just for the thrill of deceiving 00:33:01.359 --> 00:33:03.519 high -status people like doctors. So they aren't 00:33:03.519 --> 00:33:05.279 looking for money. They aren't trying to get 00:33:05.279 --> 00:33:07.700 out of work. They are looking for hospitalization. 00:33:07.900 --> 00:33:09.880 They want the attention and the care that comes 00:33:09.880 --> 00:33:12.240 with being sick. It's a manipulation of the compassion 00:33:12.240 --> 00:33:15.240 of others. They are hijacking the human instinct 00:33:15.240 --> 00:33:18.660 to care for the weak. Wow. From mining ore in 00:33:18.660 --> 00:33:21.480 the 1700s to faking illnesses in modern hospitals, 00:33:21.660 --> 00:33:23.799 we have covered a lot of ground today. We really 00:33:23.799 --> 00:33:26.000 have. It's a massive landscape. So let's try 00:33:26.000 --> 00:33:28.299 to summarize this deep dive, if we have to boil 00:33:28.299 --> 00:33:30.960 it down. Okay. If we zoom out, manipulation is 00:33:30.960 --> 00:33:33.680 ancient. It evolved from handling physical objects 00:33:33.680 --> 00:33:36.539 to handling human beings. It is distinct from 00:33:36.539 --> 00:33:38.880 persuasion because it ignores your right to say 00:33:38.880 --> 00:33:42.109 no. It exploits your vulnerabilities rather than 00:33:42.109 --> 00:33:44.009 respecting your intellect. It's intentional. 00:33:44.230 --> 00:33:46.710 It's the wolf in sheep's clothing. It uses a 00:33:46.710 --> 00:33:50.069 toolkit ranging from charm to coercion, from 00:33:50.069 --> 00:33:53.069 the silent treatment to gaslighting. And it is 00:33:53.069 --> 00:33:56.210 linked to specific personality traits. Even the 00:33:56.210 --> 00:33:59.470 nice ones like agreeableness can be weaponized 00:33:59.470 --> 00:34:02.210 if the intent is control. And while it's a hallmark 00:34:02.210 --> 00:34:05.329 of dangerous disorders like psychopathy, it can 00:34:05.329 --> 00:34:08.289 also be a misunderstood symptom of pain in conditions 00:34:08.289 --> 00:34:12.929 like BPD. Correct. The intent is the key differentiator. 00:34:12.969 --> 00:34:15.230 So for the listener who is thinking, OK, this 00:34:15.230 --> 00:34:17.190 is terrifying. How do I stop it? How do I not 00:34:17.190 --> 00:34:19.389 get played? The source mentioned some counters. 00:34:19.489 --> 00:34:21.889 The main defense, really the only solid defense, 00:34:22.010 --> 00:34:24.550 is awareness. Identifying the attempt. You have 00:34:24.550 --> 00:34:26.309 to name the beast. You have to see the strings. 00:34:26.489 --> 00:34:28.349 Once you can name the tactic, oh, that's diversion. 00:34:28.610 --> 00:34:30.730 You're changing the subject. Oh, that's a rationalization. 00:34:31.070 --> 00:34:33.909 That is a guilt trip. It loses its power. It 00:34:33.909 --> 00:34:36.659 stops being invisible. You can detach from the 00:34:36.659 --> 00:34:39.500 emotional hook and see the mechanism. It's like 00:34:39.500 --> 00:34:41.639 the magic trick is ruined once you know how the 00:34:41.639 --> 00:34:43.699 mirror works. I like that. Critical thinking 00:34:43.699 --> 00:34:46.679 and understanding these patterns are your shield. 00:34:46.960 --> 00:34:49.840 When you feel that F -O -G, fear, obligation, 00:34:50.260 --> 00:34:53.599 guilt, pause. F -O -G, fear, obligation, guilt. 00:34:53.820 --> 00:34:57.440 Yes. When you feel that, pause. Ask yourself, 00:34:57.760 --> 00:35:01.500 am I doing this because I want to or because 00:35:01.500 --> 00:35:03.699 I'm afraid of what happens if I don't? That is 00:35:03.699 --> 00:35:07.250 great advice. Pause. Check the F -R -G. Precisely. 00:35:07.309 --> 00:35:09.349 I want to leave everyone with a provocative thought, 00:35:09.409 --> 00:35:11.389 something that stuck with me from that Neoscale 00:35:11.389 --> 00:35:13.250 discussion. What's that? We talked about mood 00:35:13.250 --> 00:35:15.929 enhancement, being pro -social, cheering a friend 00:35:15.929 --> 00:35:18.269 up. But the line is so thin, isn't it? It can 00:35:18.269 --> 00:35:20.929 be. If I cheer you up because I genuinely care 00:35:20.929 --> 00:35:23.429 about you, that's empathy. But if I cheer you 00:35:23.429 --> 00:35:25.929 up because your sadness is annoying me, because 00:35:25.929 --> 00:35:28.750 it's ruining my vibe, and I want you to be fun 00:35:28.750 --> 00:35:31.469 again so I can have a good time, isn't that manipulation? 00:35:32.269 --> 00:35:34.989 That is the uncomfortable question. At what point 00:35:34.989 --> 00:35:37.289 does being a people person cross the line into 00:35:37.289 --> 00:35:39.690 managing people for your own comfort? It makes 00:35:39.690 --> 00:35:43.349 you rethink every interaction. Am I being kind 00:35:43.349 --> 00:35:46.829 or am I just optimizing my environment? It certainly 00:35:46.829 --> 00:35:48.889 does. It requires a lot of honesty with yourself. 00:35:49.050 --> 00:35:51.210 On that note, we will let you get back to your 00:35:51.210 --> 00:35:53.610 reality, hopefully one, where you are the one 00:35:53.610 --> 00:35:55.489 pulling your own strings. Stay sharp out there. 00:35:55.650 --> 00:35:57.230 See you next time on The Deep Dive.