Thank you. hello everyone welcome back to turntales
a quirky silly dungeons and dragons inspired
podcast where we roll dice and steal stuff um
yeah that's all we do i mean yeah that's all
you guys do we haven't stolen anything that's
number one priority that's true you haven't stolen
anything i have stay safe guys we're only women
steal stuff i'm gonna cut that one out No, that
stays in. I mean, every time Kila walks into
a room, what does she do? Stealing gold, stealing
hearts. Is there anything in here I can... It
has nothing to do with me being a woman, though.
It has everything to do with me being a pirate.
Yes. And a piece of shit. What are women but
pirates? Keep that thought going. Avi understood
that if he said something absurd enough, I'd
probably leave it in. What are women but pirates
is up there towing that line. You're welcome.
We'll see you on the editing floor, Audrey. I'm
going to quit this podcast. We're hitting the
bad ones out. Yeah, you got to get the sillies
out. My name is Tim Swanson and I play Blink.
Just a guy. Just a silly little guy who is a
Air Genasi monk. My name is Kyle. I play... Chris
to Wix's, a heron gone who's just enjoying watching
it all go up in flames, baby. My name is Sean
Major. I am your dungeon master in this humble
endeavor of hanging out in the city of Quell.
It's cool. Fuck, I don't know. Do you want to
do that again? Yeah. He's cool. He's cool. He's
good. He's good. He's good. Okay. Fuck, okay.
Hi, what's up? I'm Sean Major and I am the Dungeon
Master here in Quell and... You whining? What's
up? He's good. I'm Sean. Avi? I think we kind
of messed up because there's no sesh quests.
All right, Tim. You have to redo your intro and
end your intro with your sesh quesh. Oh, shit.
Because that's what we were missing. Yeah. That's
why Sean just kept sputtering it out. That makes
sense. Okay. My brain's like loading something.
You want? My name is Tim Swanson. No, bro. You
got to start it from the top so that you can
ask the question. welcome to turntales oh man
okay that's so many words yeah you got this bro
you got this i have a stutter okay you got it
you got it hello everyone welcome back to turntales
a silly quirky little dungeon dragons inspired
podcast where we roll dice and steal stuff My
name is Tim Swanson and I play Blink, the Air
Genasi monk who, he's just a cool little guy
hero. Definitely a hero. The sesh quesh of the
day is why does your character use their signature
fighting style? Whoa. Yeah. Wow. For Blink, he,
it was a family trade. Like his father ran the
monk monastery, so he was forced into it from
birth and he got really good at it. Nice. My
name is Kyle. I play Christoph Wixes, the Heron
-Gone Ranger, who just loves watching everything
burn. Right there in the middle of it. And he's
a ranger. Dang. This is some story stuff that
I was thinking about the other day from a question
Sean asked me. But he's a ranger because of a
past friend who like... kind of taught him and
that's one of the skills that carried over from
when he lived in the feywild um i obviously i
have a lot of characters i couldn't answer them
but that's kind of no answer it as sean introduce
yourself uh what's up my name is sean major i
am the dungeon master of our time here in quell
my sean fighting style which i guess would be
dungeon mastering is the term here. And the reason
I choose dungeon mastering is because writing
a book is really hard and you can just trick
your friends into filling out a world that you
already just have little things for. I love it.
Thanks. I imagine you walking down an alleyway
in a very Gotham like world and they say, put
your hands up and you say, no. Roll for initiative.
And I throw some dice on the ground. Wait, wait,
hold on, hold on. He gets on his hands and knees
and rolls two. Rolls the dice. I get a six. howdy
y 'all i'm obby santana and i play b .o .b the
goblin artificer boy wonder idiot savant and
b .o .b's fighting style is a special technique
that i like to call punching bag nice yeah he
just can take a beating just beat the shit out
of him he loves it the more you hurt him or attempt
to you know hurt him or punch him or whatever
uh that just means i really like you Because
that's how goblins show affection. They wail
on each other. Or at least that's what B .O .B.
thinks is affection. Hey, Avi, how many hit points
does B .O .B. have? Not much. Cool. Not a lot.
I'm Garrison. I'm playing Bane, the Hexblade
Warlock. I almost said rogue for some reason.
I don't know why. His fighting style is sort
of an elegant sword play that he learned from
the rich aristocratic vampire lieutenants from
the castle. With this added... element of fucked
upness with the fact that his blade is this blood
sword that can be flexible and like shoot out
and do all these unpredictable things. Very cool.
Very cool. Hi, I'm Adi Potts and I play Captain
Kila Sharp, the classicization of a swashbuckler
rogue and a circle of the sea druid. Kila's fighting
style, I mean... Man, it's right there, guys.
She's a pirate. I can dual wield my rapier and
shoot a gun as a bonus action. And I'm pretty
set with that. Do pretty good work with that.
It's like all you need. Gun and the sword. It's
all you need. Hasn't failed me yet. Good news.
It's time to go. Front of house. We have Chris
and B .O .B. What's the plan? What's the move?
Do we hear the alarm going off from Gru's X -Men?
You just heard the robots behind the stage lit
out the security breach. So the crowd has started
with Gruzak now disappearing through the door.
But you guys would get to make the first move
before a crowd of people stand up and start running
over each other to get out. And we think that's
what's going to happen. Once security breach
starts, you see movement begins. People are looking
around quickly, seeing if it's a drill or not,
and beginning to rise to their feet. Okay. Chris,
what do we do? I mean, Chris, what do we do?
Sorry, forgot I was still hamming it up. I am
going to observe somebody in the front row and
try to pin it on him and try to say, it's him.
He's behind it. He's been acting suspicious all
night. Give me a... And then... And then grab
John and try to get away. Give me a perception.
Deception. With advantage if I also start yelling
about this person being a fucking phony. Let's
hear it. That man touched me in my leg. Nope.
My ham hocks. Nope. Damn it. You're going to
roll that straight. Well, with it. No, not with
a bench. 16. Did you hear what he said? No, I
did. I did. Just making sure. 16. 16 is pretty
good. Yeah, it is. You see that the crowd begins
to turn their attention towards the man that
you point to. You get up and you see Vane at
this point duck off into the side room on the
left. And he's going up there. Yep. Yeah. No,
I want to get back to Doug, I think. Okay. So
I'm going to grab him and we're going to go out
the front door. I was considering going up on
the stage and trying to grab some stuff. Yeah.
Better not. I mean, we can still do that. So
I'm grabbing John and I'm going, let's get out
of here. Let's go. Yeah. John is whisked away
by Chris. Twist, twist, twist. Exactly. Very
good. Great. You guys stand up and you can use
your movement to get out the door. You find yourselves
at the front of a crowd that is starting to start
swarm these doors. You are right in front of
them. There's a lot of motion pushing you. After
a few seconds, you see... Running down the ramp
near Doug, there is another one of the tuxedoed
men that are on armed security standing there
who has turned his attention to face all of you
coming down. And you see him put his hand out
and put his hand towards a baton on his hip.
And he goes, everyone stop. We need to verify
that you are not involved in any of the shenanigans
going on. Most of the crowd behind you doesn't
stop and begins to keep pushing you towards this
guy and your car. So people are exiting. Yep.
Okay. Okay. Forcing you to move. You can try
and stand your ground, but it will be an athletics
check while the crowd is trying to push you out.
No. Chris, help. I don't know what shenanigans
is. Well, I'm going to run at him and I'm going
to do one of my race perks, which is rabbit hop.
Okay. But I'm going to do it. I'm going to do
it off of his chest and push him across the hood
of the car. Read me what that does. Do you know?
Should I Google it? You should. What's it called?
Rabbit hop. And it's five times my proficiency
bonus for like movement speed. But instead of
moving, I want to move him. I want the momentum
going that way so that we can get into this car
and get to the back. Can you jump a number? That's
actually 10 feet. That's crazy. Are you kidding?
I will let you use one of your charges of rabbit
hop to do this. to roll an athletics or acrobatics
check. Definitely acrobatics. Contest it against
his. You can roll at advantage because you're
rabbit hopping. Definitely acrobatics. This guy
adds three to his athletics checks. Fucking casual.
Scuff. He got a... I was trying to see if this
was a two or a nine. It's a two. So five will
be his. Ooh. What was that? That was a net one.
Oh, that's all right. You have advantage. Very
good use of your bunny hop ahead of time. Here
we go. I got a nine. That is going to be not
by much. I think you jump up, put your feet against
this guy's chest. And because you are moving
him, I'm not going to have you do damage, but
you are going to push him that 10 feet over the
hood of the car and then five feet away from
it. Perfect. Very cool. And I say. You're not
getting our money. This is all a scam. This is
all a sham. Who do you think you are? Okay, so
they're moving very quickly around you. You have
time to shout as you put that stuff in the car
and you are screaming. You're trying to make
your attack seem less suspicious, right? You
feel like they're trying to get your money. Cool,
I love that. You run around to the side of the
car. John, get in! they'll never get our money
we have so much exactly yes exactly i uh get
into the car otherwise known as doug or doug
and john is driving yeah i feel like uh Yeah,
I would hop into the driver's seat at this point.
Okay, cool. So yeah, you can start driving away.
You do have some people in front of you, so you
have to drive a little slow. I don't have to.
Yeah, you don't have to, dude. Yeah, as I'm in
the Doug's Royce, I will just be hitting his
little beepy horn. He's like, move! Okay, yeah.
Jon Hamm and his big old fucking... What car
did you compare it to? Phantom. Okay. Yeah. You
have a Rolls Royce Phantom chilling in the middle
of this fantasy city. You are laying on your
old timey horn at all of these people trying
to get them to move. You are not successful in
peeling out of there, but you are able to start
moving with the crowd as it looks like security
is more interested on what's going on inside
as you two are going to pull away. How far are
you going? Where are you going? Chris, what are
we doing? We're going to go get our stuff, our
goods. Oh. Pull around to the back. Cool. That
makes sense. We still need our things that we
indeed did buy with our gold. We really do. I'm
so proud of you for sticking with the subject.
You're doing great, Mr. Hamm. I'm trying. Please
call me John, Hamm. You're too nice. You've been
like a mentor to me. Too nice. He just said,
call me by my full name. Vane, you have gone
in the side doors through the kitchen. You move
backstage to where Kilo once was and where Blink
pulled off his little stunt switching his costume.
You are back there in a bartender outfit with
a cart of 10 Molotov cocktails. Not lit, obviously.
And you've got about 120 feet between you and
the door. I'm trying to whistle nonchalantly.
But I don't know if I can, so hold on. God damn
it. One try, that's all we get? It's the fangs.
The fangs make it impossible to whistle. Garrison,
can you whistle? I can't, actually. And you were
trying here. You knew you couldn't whistle when
you said recorded podcast at the time. I also
knew Vane couldn't whistle, so I was like, it's
fine. It's good. I like it. I like it a lot.
I'm looking for Blink because I want... To make
sure that we get the one item that we really
need. Okay, you look down the way and you see
Blink walking up to the back door and going to
his pocket, sorting between his two key cards,
looking for the red one. And he's touching it
to the door. If you wanted to move, you could
get about halfway. There's a guard between you
and him, that D12 right there. Any last minute
drinks for the... The leftover stuff? How about
you? And I pointed at Blink. You're trying to
deceive this guard. Like you're trying to get
drinks for him. I was just trying to get close
to Blink and be able to let Blink know that I'm
right behind him. 100%. I think that's very good.
Shouting suddenly across if someone needs drinks
and it's to the guy leaving. There's going to
be a deception check. Is that fair? Yeah, yeah.
It's for one person, which is impressive. That
is a nat 20. Let's go. John Hamm. John Hamm.
The legend lives. This guard hears a commotion.
As you shout your innocuous, do you need a drink?
He takes two steps. This guard whips back, looks
at you. You see his face wash over with pure
confusion and almost anger as he's running to
answer the screaming. He saw a pirate run across
the catwalk above. He heard these guards. machines
kick on and then he sees you around the corner
at top speed with your drink cart like the biggest
fucking overachiever in the world and instead
of yelling at you you hear him say remind me
to have you fired when we get bad done with all
this shit and he takes off to run around the
corner as you can begin to close the distance
towards our friend blink So I almost like crash
into him with the car. They're like, oh, oh,
oh. That nat 20 on that deception means that
this guy just thinks you're an overachiever and
in the worst way possible, good at your job.
So that has two of our heroes positioned at the
back door. One of them standing near a ladder,
looking over a 60 foot fall up in the catwalk
above the stage. So Blink finally figuring out
which key card is right. He slides the red one
through the little magical rune thing. And then
he's going to open the door and see if there's
any guards like immediately out there. Immediately
in the room, you are met with a sea of gazes
as there are about 30 to 40 people dressed exactly
like you with different carts with lots on them.
They all look kind of frozen in fear and up at
you expecting somebody with answers to come through
that door. And it's just you and Vayne with your
separate carts. I'm going to look at the crowd
and I'm just going to be like, um, the head of
security is, he's busy. So he just said that
we could all line up and start doing the sales.
Okay. Deception check. Yeah. He's busy. What
about the second part? 16. Okay. I'm going to
roll an insight check. Here's the deal. A lot
of these people in the room won't actually care.
If you ever worked or met someone that worked
at like a pop -up event, they don't care. That's
kind of what I was going on. I rolled a 3D20
to represent three people in this crowd of 30
that may be the extra, the overachievers that
would give a shit on your story, maybe not checking
out. All of them rolled low, none of them breaking
an eight. So I think with the ongoing situation,
and the attitude of the head of security when
he left the room, they are all going to sort
of mumble amongst each other and begin to move
up the ramp as you and Vayne move down it. The
confusion's perfect. Yeah. Yeah. Cool. Perfect.
So you two can continue down the ramp and I will
say your next turn, if you want to open that
door, you're more than willing to. Anything before
you leave the room, Vayne, are you going with?
No, I'm just going to go with. Yeah. That'll
be a continuation of your turn and we'll probably
do a new initiative when Kila and these guards
actually start because you guys are kind of all
in a different timer. Kila, it is your turn now.
You are on a catwalk looking down over at Blink's
successful deception that he gave to the crowd.
They begin to cause more movement underneath
you, and you see these guards on the catwalk,
one running underneath you, and then two of them
already up on the same level as you, sprinting
down a narrow catwalk towards you. Is there...
Roof access from the catwalk. Tell you what,
I'm going to roll this die. Evens, it's the ladder
right next to you that goes all the way up. Odds,
it's the ladder right here that goes all the
way up on the far side. It's a four. Cool. I'm
going all the way up to the roof for fun. Just
to see what's up there. Mostly, I would like
to give those guys the opportunity to continue
to be able to leave and just keep bringing them
up with me. What I'll do when I get up there,
I don't know. I'll figure it out. Very cool.
Before I go up the ladder, Is there any ropes
attached to sandbags? Any extra coils laying
around? Anything that I can grab? In my opinion,
those would all be up in the front. There would
be no extra equipment in the back there? In the
back? I don't know. Because that like faces the
warehouse. I think all of the rigging for curtains
and stuff is all going to be that front part.
where rigging and use you think that they just
have backup rigging back here kyle the set guy
is really starting to advocate for me here maybe
i mean would they i don't want to go all the
way down the fucking ladder to get the one carabiner
go all about the life of the character oh i forgot
the clamp i gotta go all the way back you know
what i mean you're also allowed to say no you
can say no but sure there are coils of rope back
here above a stage nice cool i want Two of them.
Two of them? Yeah. You should have said there
was only one. Two 50 foot lengths of rope. Okay,
cool. I'm back in. So I got 100 feet of rope.
If you tie them together, you will have 90 feet
of rope. Cool. I'm going to climb up that fucking
ladder and I'm going to the roof, baby. Okay.
You're so mad. I can see it in your face. You
go up the ladder. He's going to nerf me for this.
You find a trap door that is a bit rusty. It
takes a little bit of shoving open with a palm
of your hand and smack this hatch. And you were
just able to knock the hatch open and you see
the night sky above you. The moon is bright and
white and gives you tons of light to see. And
as you... climb out into the roof you see there
is a man with a loosened tie and a jacket laying
down smoking a cigar and he looks at you and
he goes oh fuck i'm in trouble aren't i oh no
darling not if you and she sort of gestures for
him to hand the cigar over just want i'll give
it back promise he puts the cigar in his mouth
and grabs his baton off of a a seat next to him
and he says uh You can't sweet talk me covered
in blood, darling. It's not mine if it makes
you feel better. He's going to... You want to
roll initiative against him? Yeah, I do. He got
a 10. 16. You're going to go first. Don't smile
at me. Why? Does anyone want to do anything while
Keela moves up? Is anyone on a time -sensitive
thing in their head? I guess we just want to
be in position to be in the back and meet them.
You guys will be moving along. During all that
time. we've made it back there i'm going to say
that these two are going to get to do something
before you make it to the door okay you're you're
getting there absolutely i want to cut back to
team has the lens is at the back door yeah vain
blink i need you to decide right now everyone's
filing out adding this extra layer of commotion
downstairs as they wheel carts up into position
for a auction that is simply not going to happen
as things are going crazy you know what before
you go It would be the robot's turn. Kiela, the
last thing you hear as you start going up the
ladder would be the sound of like servos spinning
up as a giant robot leg kicks this door. Door
goes ripping off its hinges. It breaks through
this wall and is going to spatter through the
street. The robot kicked the door off the hinges,
let it fly 35 feet and broke through a wall?
Yes. This is the robot on the ground? Yep. Don't
get caught. The D12. Don't get caught by this
thing. Please, please, please. The series of
events are this. Kila, you begin to climb up
the ladder. You just get your footing on top.
Your combat begins and you feel the building
shudder under your feet as there is a loud impact.
Blink and Vane, you are downstairs looking at
the exit door to freedom. You take a breath.
You look at each other. You're trying to decide,
is now the time to open these doors? What's on
the other side? And you hear also a loud impact.
The camera cuts to B .O .B. as Jon Hamm driving
Doug a little bit faster around the side of the
building as suddenly a steel door comes shooting
through the brick wall of the auction house,
the opera house, and skitters in the street in
front of you. And give me a dexterity check with
Doug. A dexterity saving throw. Since you're
driving. Okay. Brand new dice. Don't feel any
dice. I did. I, uh, nerd. So I rolled a bunch
of different dice and this one rolled in that
20 when I picked it up. All right. John Hammond.
When I picked it up, hopefully it does it again.
That face doesn't fill me with a lot of confidence.
Was it a John sham? That is a one. Oh, no. You
have inspiration. I do have inspiration because
questions are good. So instead of a con sham,
a gnat one, I'm going to roll again. And I swear
to fucking God, Dice, I spent $35. And to clarify.
And to clarify. Stupid Dice. To people who don't
play Dungeons & Dragons, inspiration, all of
the players. We've said this before. I'll say
it a few times. We have questions about the last
session or the campaign overall that we answer
before we sit down to play, and those reward
you with a chance to reroll the die. Avi's using
one of those now. Yeah. One of three. To not
get a one on dodging a giant steel door flying
into his car. Yeah. What is it, Avi? It's a fucking
two. It's a two. That's 100 % better than yours.
You have another one. You have another one. I
do. Do I want to... You know what? I'm going
to keep forgetting that I have them, so... Yeah.
One more. We're going to use them, okay? That's
going to be two of three, so if you roll a three,
I will laugh really hard. If he rolls a three.
One, two, and... it's not a three so that's good
um and it's a dex save yep okay um i can work
with that that's gonna be a eight plus uh ten
a ten yeah you are driving along minding your
own business as the steel door comes shattering
through the side of the wall and cranes quickly
into your path you have to pull the steering
wheel and you Almost dodge out of the way, but
you feel just a corner of the door hit Doug and
suddenly veer the car to the left. You're able
to grab it and correct it, but you do feel the
car underneath you shudder in a way that implies
that it's sustained some damage. I'm going to
slam on the brakes. Hold on. You failed your
deck save. Yeah. I'm going to roll damage. You
got to drive through it. That's like, isn't that
the rule? Like when you hit a deer on the highway,
like the problem is when people like hit their
brakes when they hit the deer instead of going
through it. So it rolls like up and over your
windshield. It's not like a thing. I'm going
to go. I'm going to go. No. Speaking of somebody
who has hit actually several deers in my life.
I'm not going to lie. And elk. No. Cause if it
goes over, it's, it's smashing your windshield.
Several. Yeah. At least, at least three. Where,
where did you. In. Northern Arizona where I grew
up. Oh, just kidding. It does say hit. Well,
that's if it runs across the road in front of
you. Never swerve. Always break. Should you break
when hitting a deer? Yes, you should break when
hitting a deer. All right. My bad. Cool. Kyle
just hunts in a weird way. It's got a good kill
rate, man. I just want to be able to chase it.
It makes me feel more primal. In a metal machine,
yeah. B .O .B.? Yeah. That door whips by, hitting
your car for 3d10 damage. Oh, shit. And I rolled.
A 6, a 6, and a 10. Holy fuck. Okay. Doug is
going to take 22 damage of your 27. Holy shit.
It will still drive, but it is banged up. Does
Doug still talk as a car? You choose. Yeah. Doug
still talks. You hear, we should stop. As I slammed
on the brakes. I turn to Chris. I heard you're
supposed to accelerate through doors. Nope. He's
on the brakes and just turns to Chris and says,
Hey, Chris. Hey, John, do doors typically go
flying? No, that was pretty fucking weird. You
guys, you guys stop instantly. Yeah, we're just,
you look to your right where the door came from
and there is a large hole in the wall and in
that hole, you will see a few things. And then
we'll hop back into initiative. You see a hulking
AT -AT style robot that is going to take up four
squares here, making it a large class monster.
This thing stands taller than Doug. This thing
will barely make it through any doorways, and
it has proven that it will expand any doorway
it needs to to get through it. And just as you
are taking in this giant robotic machine, a familiar...
small statured mechanical silhouette steps into
the doorway and looks out and locks eyes with
the two people driving a nice car. Does he know
it's B .O .B.? No, but you lock eyes with Gruzak,
the man you're not supposed to be around. You
see him put a hand up and he calls out. Just
send me the bill. And he turns around and begins
to focus on what's going on in the building.
You guys pull it off. He doesn't know. Oh, that's
so good. I was going to narrate something bad,
but I just remembered in the middle of that,
that you are Jon Hamm. You are not Miovi. He
doesn't know. And he's going to send me a, I'm
going to send him a bill and, and we're going
to get bonus money. Good job, guys. And I'm going
to lean out the window because I'm in the passenger.
Some of the passengers side. Thank you, good
sir. Mr. Hamm appreciates your kindness. Chris.
Yeah. That's the guy. I think guy is pretty generous
for somebody who looks like that. Who is that?
That's Gruzak. That is the guy that if he sees
me, I don't know what happens, actually. That
sounds interesting. Is it good if he sees you?
No, it's bad. Oh, okay. Porter said it was real
bad. Real bad. It's kind of intriguing, actually.
And if I get seen by a Gruzak, I'm in trouble.
But he doesn't know it's me because I'm Jon Hamm.
Okay, okay. Aren't you excited? Let's go to my
other two. You were at the back door. You heard
the big explosion. What is the choice? Are we
hanging out a little longer? Are we opening the
door? You can't see what's on the other side
of the door. You assume there's going to be guards.
I look at Blink. I'm like, you have the thing,
right? Blink, his face is going to kind of like
notice all the commotion of like what's going
on a lot and really lock in. And he is going
to turn towards the door and unlock this one
and like kind of go out looking like a little
panic, but seeing who's out there. As we're walking
out the door, I'm going to whisper to Blink.
I'm like, hey, I used. an ancient alchemy to
make these fucked up concoctions. Should we do
some crazy shit or what? He's got this look and
his eyes turn like red a little bit. So do we
do some crazy shit? Zane? What does it do? Do
we drink it? I make like a motion like. sort
of explosion with my clawed hands i just i just
look up at keela like up in the rafters and i
shake my head like no last resort man okay fine
so i'm gonna open the door and i'm looking to
see if there's any guards great you tap your
key to the door you have the cart in front of
you okay you both have your carts you with explosive
bottles of flammable alcohol and you with a giant
lens still on it You tap the door. It opens.
There are not four guards outside. There are
three guards outside. And one of them seems to
have found a good place to take a smoke break
as the three turn to look at you. As soon as
I see them, I wanted to be looking for them as
I hurriedly push the door open. And then I was
going to be like, what are you doing? You have
to get inside. There's been a security breach.
We got to get these out of here. Okay. So what
I'm going to say is there's three of them. They're
going to each roll one. They're all going to
roll the same. They're going to add two to their
insight. And if any of them beat you, they're
going to try and convince their buddies that
they don't buy that shit. I'm going to use an
inspiration. Hell yeah, you are. That was a one.
This is like the opposite of our John Hammond.
Jesus. That'd be a 17. Okay, at least yours worked
for you. To beat on a persuasion, we have a three
plus two for five. A 3 plus 2 for 5. And a 15
plus 2 for 17. I got 17. Meets, beats. And unfortunately,
I think the defender. I'm the defender. If your
AC is 17 and I roll a 17, do I hit you? No. yes
no you don't so a 17 means he knows you're lying
so two of the guards are like oh shit let's get
in there and they begin to run they're gonna
head inside and the last one's gonna stop and
look at both you and put his hand on his baton
and say uh i'm gonna have you stay right here
and uh we're gonna solve all of this he seems
to not want to let you pass they now That's the
best thing you could have said. What do you do,
Vayne? The last resort. Vayne, no! The last resort
is Blink gets stopped for about half a second.
He panicked. The last resort is the first resort.
At this point, Vayne had the trigger fingers
of a Wild West gunman. Molotov cocktails in.
Like right at his face. Do I just threaten him
or do I throw it full on? Are there flammable,
what flammable objects are nearby? To like light
it? Yeah. We can say that while you were back
there. No, no, no. Like what flammable things
are nearby? Like on the ground. Like if, is anything
going to go up in flames if he hucks this at
the ground? The man. No, the rest, it's pretty
much just a stone floor. Oh man, I don't want
to sit on a fire right now. Okay, then don't.
No one's making you, dude. This is crazy. Do
I have a time limit on this? Yeah, you got to
choose pretty quick. Unless you want to wait
and let's have Blink say Vayne now and we can
cut Tequila. Yeah, we can do that. Okay, but
you're making a choice as soon as I come back
to you. I absolutely will. Tequila, you're on
the roof. You have initiative over this guy.
He has his weapon in his hand, but you go first.
Cool. I'm going to shoot the guy in his kneecap.
Jesus. Does a 14 hit? Yes. Cool. These guys are
not wearing armor. Beautiful. Okay. So that's
going to be... 2d6 of damage for a whole two.
So that's five. Two ones, huh? Snake eyes. And
then I get to add another 2d6 because it is technically
a sneak attack. Breakish audacity, baby. which
is another five. So I did 10 points of damage.
Oh yeah. Very cool. Which between 46 kind of
blows, but it's fine. I just did 40. So I'm not
going to start sniffing at things. Yep. You do
10 points of damage to him, shooting him in the
leg. Very suddenly surprising. He, he lets out
a scream. He doesn't look like he's down for
the count. He is going to take a turn. He's going
to pull his baton and take two swings at you.
The first one is a 12. That does not hit. The
second one. is a 16. That does hit. Okay. He
gets hit in the leg and uses that chance to feign...
Not feign. He rides down in pain, screaming as
he just took a bullet to the knee. And as he
gets up, he quickly rears back his club and swings
it at you for probably a pathetic amount of damage
compared to what you're capable of doing to him.
He hits you for... Ooh. Nine points of damage
with his club as he suddenly rears up with it
and uppercuts you in the chin with a nightstick,
basically. All right, asshole. I just wanted
a fucking smoke. You shot me in the knee. Should
have given me a smoke, mate. Is the cigar on
the roof? Did he drop it? Can I pick it up? Yeah,
when he screamed, he dropped his cigar on the
floor. Pick it up and... Take a drag off of it
real quick. Are you going to use any action?
Okay, that's using its object interaction. That's
fine. Cool. I am going to... And he's still squared
up. He looks like he's ready to go another round.
He doesn't have much left in him, but yeah, he's
ready to go one more round. Cool. I want to pull
my sword, and I just want to see if I can hit
him with the hilt of it. You want to non -lethal
him. Yeah, I don't want to kill this guy, but
I want him out of my way. Okay. And then I do
have the tavern brawler feet. Does it count as
like improvised if it's the hilt or is that just
like... I see what you're saying. Because I'm
just trying to bash him over the head and this
is just what I'm choosing. I'll even flip the
butt of my pistol and do that. Yeah, that's an
improvised weapon. Absolutely. Cool. I will flip
my pistol around and try and clobber him with
the butt of my pistol. Okay. I'll tell you what.
He's got five health left. Are you able to do
five damage? Not easily. Okay. But I could. Twelve?
Not hit. Damn it. Okay. So you flip that gun
around and go to try and knock him unconscious.
He dodges out of the way. Oh, now you don't want
to hurt me. And he is going to make an attack.
Seventeen again hit you. Yes, it does. Two. He's
going to take another swing with his club. He
hits you for six plus two, eight damage as the
club connects with your skull once again, leaving
a ringing in your ears. I like that we found
the secret boss fight. The guy upstairs smoking.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. The guy on the roof who if
he had just shared his cigar with me, we wouldn't
be in this mess. That's true. That was how much
damage? He rolled a six plus two, eight damage.
Had enough? Yeah, you wish. I am going to pull
my sword, base 17. That will hit. Cool. And that
is going to be d8 plus three. Seven. He goes
down. Okay. You are irritated of taking a knight
six to the jaw so many times. After his last
smug comment, you draw your sword and flick it
quickly across his chest. gurgles what is supposed
to be words and instead just gets a bit of blood
in his throat before he stumbles and falls and
hits the ground like does he fall off the side
of the roof or does he okay he just hits the
ground on the roof on the floor is a wait you
did you smoke his cigar it's probably back on
the ground because he clobbered me again so i'm
gonna bend back down pick it up put it back between
my teeth and start tying this rope together gotcha
so the guy is dead or dying some some faint gurgles
still leaving his chest every so often writhing
kicking his legs from time to time as you casually
smoke your cigar and tie the the knot on this
rope go ahead and take it away yeah is there
is there anything on this roof that i can fasten
it to like a some kind of yeah there's a lot
of like electrical boxes and and different like
spires stuff like that you also have a dead body
do you can tie it to that's not gonna i mean
hold me um i briefly considered it for a second
it's kind of funny though i'm sort of on this
back end of the roof if i peer over is that guards
interacting with blink and vein i can see that
yeah you will your timing will work out such
that you are looking down and you see a guard
talking with people in the in the exit what are
you about to see too so i'm gonna come back over
to that dead body and i'm gonna hook my arms
under his armpits and i'm gonna drag him over
yes john finish that tell me where you are dragging
him and that is the end of what you're allowed
to do in this time frame great not what you do
with him after just where you bring him i want
to bring him to the same, the back of the opera
house where that guard is standing. But I want
to bring him about 50 to 60 feet to my right.
So close enough that you're going to hear that
body thud when it hits the ground, but not close
enough to where it's like right in front of them.
So I'm over on the edge. I'm looking down, cigar
in her mouth, body in hand. Okay. I can really...
The tell of the timeline that's going to link
everyone up is Kila, cigar in her mouth, drags
this body to the edge, picks him up, drops him
off the edge, and this slow -motion Noari jazz
plays as the body slow -mo falls through the
air. It'll cut back to the guard. talking to
Blink and Vayne. He is drawing his weapon as
you shouted Vayne now. There's an air of confusion
as Vayne... Gentlemen, you failed to understand
the gravity of this situation. You see, someone
has brought an explosive! And I thrust the whole
cart forward as I light one of them and throw
it into the cart in the midst of all the carts.
Okay. It's one guy. Bullet time. What happens
is B .O .B. and Chris, you round the back corner
of the opera house, the garage door to the entrance
of where the lots are stored just in front of
you. You see a man get plowed by a small. Oh,
yeah. Yeah. Wink by a drink cart of bottles stuffed
with rags. He grabs it. So the impact does not
hit him too abruptly. He looks confused for a
second up at the man who is screaming. And then
here's a loud, wet thud as he is bathed in bright
headlights from your car. He looks to his left
and sees one of his fellow guards explode on
the pavement or the aftermath of him exploding
on the pavement. And as he whips his head forward,
he sees a fireball leaving Vane's hands. soaring
through the air, hitting the cart that was just
pushed in front of him. Give me a ranged attack,
actually. I will say, I'm trying not to hurt
people, but just to cause chaos. You know what
causes chaos? If it does hurt people, that's
fine. I'm not trying to get high. I just want
to smoke. What about this one guy? It's fine
if anyone gets hurt. I'm just like, it's not
explicitly the intention. Just give me a ranged
attack. Fire hurts people. 17. That is more than
enough to hit as you throw this burning bottle
onto a stack of burning bottles. And... The guy
doesn't even get time to realize exactly what's
happening. He goes up in a instant fireball.
You see his silhouette in the center of this
flame like he is the head of a match. Oh, shit.
He screams for only a second before the flames
consume all of the oxygen in his lungs as he
flails and hits the ground. But yeah, this man
is burnt to a crisp. There is a man turned to
splatter marks. just about 60 feet up to the
left. Kila is looking down over the edge at her
crew. You guys have a brief moment of almost
victory before you hear as the giant metal door
to the back of the warehouse gets impacted by
something heavy. It looks like it's done damage
and the door is still hanging onto its frame,
but one more kick and it's going to be broken
through. The idea is our big robot friend is
probably on the other side of this door. You
guys have a few seconds to bask in quote unquote
success as you all stand just a few seconds from
freedom. However, there was a very sudden explosion
of flame and you guys might attract attention
if you hang out any longer. You have one turn.
Okay. And remember what happened last time he
kicked the door. Yes. And where you want to be.
Oh, I'm familiar. I don't want to be on the other
side of the door or in his vicinity. How big
is the car? Like, could we all fit in it? It's
huge. You could all easily fit in the car and
get away if you wanted to. Well, I think the
eyewitness just went up in flames. Let me ask
you this. Am I allowed to, like, do something
in the realm of saying something? Like, if I
wanted to whistle at them, because I would like
for the car to be where I'm at by the time I
hit the ground, but that requires the car to
move first and then me to take my turn. So you
want to ready an action to land on the hood of
the car? Yeah. Yeah, you can whistle freely.
That's fine. Cool. You let them know that you're
up there. B .O .B. and Chris are able to look
up at you, Keela, and clock that you are up there.
She sort of gestures underneath her. You make
that quick communication between the people in
the car and Keela on the roof. The two people
just inside the door. What is the move? Oh, yeah.
I'm going to pick up the shard off of the cart.
dive into the car and like gesture for vane to
follow me and i'm gonna pat the side of the car
and give it to boom boom oh yeah like let's go
yeah cool and then i'm gonna uh throw and cast
darkness right on the door very cool okay so
if anyone kicks that door and their vision's
obscured just black black very cool yeah awesome
good plan vane do you get in the car after Absolutely,
yeah, yeah. Cool. You run past a burning body.
You guys pull up as they are moving towards you
to get into the car. Any commentary as they run
past their smoldering corpse that they just created?
Holy shit. Oh, hello friends again. It is I,
Jon Hamm. Okay, you've had enough. Fun is Jon.
And I'm like, don't stop. And I yell at the other
two. I'm like, jump in. Yeah, don't stop. We're
on fire. Literally. Okay. You begin driving.
Keela, you're held action. I'm going to loop
that rope around whatever's closest to the edge
of the roof. How high does this rope dangle off
the ground? I've got 90 feet. Oh, it's 120 feet
up. So you have 90 feet of rope. You tie it.
You hang it over the side. It's 120 feet. You
have 30 feet to fall, which would be 2D6 because
I wouldn't round up. I have nine hit points.
I will say, my conundrum here really is, even
if you slide and drop like quickly, let's say
for the sake of interesting, I don't care about
your speed. You're falling a little bit. You
can get to the end of your rope. You still have
30 feet to deal with. Right? Well, after your
body, you have 25 feet to deal with. 25. How
tall is the roof of the car? Don't sigh at me.
Nope. Someone tell me the exact dimensions of
a Rolls Royce Phantom. It's like five feet. It's
not a tall car. I've seen one. Five feet, five
inches. So between me and the roof of the car,
that's another... So it's 120. You have 90 feet
of rope. That leaves you with 30 feet. Yep. You
have five feet of you, five feet of a car. That
leaves you with 20 feet, which is still 2D6.
From the bottom of your feet to the roof of the
car. She's also wearing her really big shoes.
I think no matter how you slice it, you're going
to take 2d6. 2d6, that's fine. Worst case scenario,
I hit the roof of the car. I take more than my
nine damage. I go unconscious. I'm still on the
roof of the car. I'm home three either way. One
of you is just going to have to reach up and
sort of pull me in the car. I'm going to take
the gamble. Okay, so here we go. 2d6. All you
have to do is not take nine damage. Three damage.
There you go. Nailed it. Hold that. You hear
a thud on the roof of the car. Under the hood
of the car, you hear Doug go, oops. My car! And
Keela, you land on the hood of the car. The jazz
music swells as the engine revs and you begin
to peel down the streets. You see another steel
door shoot. across the street in your rearview
mirror as you're driving away, but you are able
to turn left down the side street before this
metal machine is able to... I see this metal
machine. If you want to not turn down that side
street that I mentioned and look at the machine,
I will allow it. If you stop and linger after
I just risk taking that fall damage, I'm going
to shoot you. So that would probably visualize
as you like sort of slowing down and Kila pulling
a gun through the windshield and saying, drive.
After Kila lands on the roof, as you guys are
driving away, she's going to sort of like swing
in and she's going to say, move over, rabbit.
And she's going to kind of shove you into like
the bench seat in the middle. In the front? Like
on top of the center console? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
There's no seatbelt here. Stick an elbow out
the window and take a drag off this cigar. And
she's going to look at B .O .B. and she's going
to drive. And step on it quick, please. You held
on to the cigar through the fall? Yeah. Okay,
okay, I'll drive. Duke Nukem style. Put your
seatbelt on. If I'm told to drive, I drive. You
guys disappear into the night down some busy
city streets, quickly intermingling with the
rich city life that lives on this side of town.
The camera would linger for a second as this
AT -AT style machine steps out into the street.
followed shortly by our smaller AT -ATs and Gruzak.
He snarls for a second, looks at the body that
fell from the roof, then shifts his gaze to the
snapping, smoldering, cooked body that Vane torched.
Takes a drag off his cigar and he goes, that
could have gone better. Okay, I don't want to...
We didn't get either of the other items. We also
didn't pay for anything. That's true. We didn't
pay for anything. We could just buy one. We did
get the thing we needed to get. We did. We just
didn't get the two items that we... but you guys
you guys weren't seen so you could always just
drop us off and which is what i was gonna say
yeah like hey i'm here to get my stuff or you
could just leave it and get the fuck out of dodge
so to clarify the two things that you bid on
in one you did not pick up but well there was
three the last one being the lens you do have
the lens it's in the back of your car it's what
vance asked you to get wait guys i didn't grab
the lens No. Very cool. You guys are disappearing.
You're driving into the other side of town. You
can find anywhere to sort of stay for the night
if you'd like, or you can try and head back and
see if Vance has made his return from visiting
the location he said he was going to. But congratulations,
you've succeeded on your first mission from Vance,
which was get this thing for me, no matter the
cost, don't spend more than 10 ,000 gold. And
we only spent 1 ,000. The chest still has 10
,000 in it, right? Yeah. Where's the chest in
the car? Don't worry about it. Where's the chest
in the car? Can I see it from where I'm sitting?
Don't worry about it. Let's not worry about money
right now. I'm always worried about money. What
is the gang's next move? You seemingly got away
scot -free. All right. I would prefer, personally,
I think that we should probably lay low for a
wee bit before we start toting this shit around
the city. We got to get rid of this fucking car.
And probably get a drink. I'm kind of feeling
a drink. How about you guys? I think that's hilarious
that you're thinking about a drink at this time.
No. No. Honestly, that was the biggest event
to happen tonight. And we were seen there. And
the security in this kind of city, I'm not confident
that we're going to go unseen by tomorrow. I
think we should get back. Did that go well? Like,
I'm actually not sure. Kila takes another drag
off for a cigar. I think it went great. Swimmingly,
even. I had a great time. It was really funny.
He did have a good time. And fun. I'm really
proud of him for keeping it together. I think
I'm feeling pain. Oh, that's right. We need to
pull over because Doug is injured. We're not
pulling over. We got to decide where we're going,
and then we're going to park there, and then
we're going to figure things out. Look, if we
don't want to have law enforcement sniffing around,
let's go down to the shitty part of the city.
Exactly. We need to move out of this area. I
don't think you heard me. Doug is hurt. No, I
heard you the first time. I just don't give a
shit. Ice break. Everyone suddenly stops as B
.O .B. hits the brakes. Doug is hurt. Kiela not
wearing her seatbelt. Slams into the dashboard.
I said, Doug is hurt. Yeah, mate. A couple of
us are. Would you just fucking drive, please?
He's a robot. You can fix him when we get where
we're going. Stop fighting. We're not fighting.
We're having a conversation. Yeah, it's a really
good conversation about how Doug is hurt. And
I think you should apologize to him because he's
driving us all around and such. You're driving.
And if you don't shut the fuck up, I'm going
to start driving. You don't have a license. You
don't need a license to drive a sandwich. I reach
over and I pull the circlet off his forehead
and he goes, Hey, I need that. Give me that.
Why do you need it? He can't see over the dashboard
without it. Yes, I can. I just stand up. How
do you reach the gas pedals? Doug, go. And then
we start going. That's true. I'm smarter than
you think. And Keela doesn't say this out loud,
but she looks at Chris like, and look at that.
Just like that. We're going. Eventually you make
it. Where are we going? The glass stallion. I
think. Yeah. Yeah. The one place we know. And
what's the goal of the strip? Just to pass time.
We're sleeping there. I'm getting a fucking drink,
mate. I want to, I want to examine the lens and
I want to like, see if we can discern anything
about it or what's up with it. And so the lens
is pretty big to walk in with it. It would be
very, and we're, we're doing this like in the
glass style. Like we're there now. I want to
role play it. Okay. So let's start. I would go
to the guy driving. I'm thinking we kind of parked
down a dark alleyway and then have Doug river
back to his original state. Yeah. You want to
just make him small, Doug? No. Oh, Briefcase?
Yeah, briefcase. Okay. You're going to turn them
into a version that you can carry. Yeah. Perfect.
You grab Doug and all of you... I want to know
the physics of that later, by the way, but...
Don't think too hard about it. B .O .B. and physics
don't hang out. They're not friends. They're
not friends. You're not enlightened enough to
really understand them. Physics fears him. That's
such a dumb way to think about it. No. Physics?
I don't do that shit. Watch this. Bing, bonk,
bonk. Let me know when you have a degree in Goblinomics.
Sorry, I got distracted by the thought of a car
fitting into a briefcase. You are able to get
out of Doug, shrink him down to briefcase size,
pick him up, and you are all approaching the
last stallion. We're all just here for a drink?
What does the barkeep sound like? Does anyone
remember? We didn't talk to the barkeep at the
Glass Stallion. We talked to the barkeep when
we were in Mirth or Crush or whatever. Very cool.
So we've never talked to the barkeep. The only...
No, because we first walked in and someone got
a drink before we saw Garris. I did get a drink.
Oh, no. I got a drink from the bartender because
Garris was sitting a couple seats down. I'm pretty
sure he was really, really happy. But maybe the
staff rotated. He was not French. He is now.
No. He is now, now that I've heard that golden
accent. He French. Mm -hmm. it is how you say
offensive sorry it's just we know you make fun
of us the same way we make fun of you so it's
fine you should make fun of us did you hear how
bad that french accent was he wasn't french damn
damn it you can have a rotating staff so it doesn't
matter what he sounds like new bartender you're
so smart I said that two minutes ago. Did you?
I said new shift, new shift. There's a old looking
70s hugely built woman standing behind the bar.
Aged 70s? Or era 70s? Old. Human? A big old woman.
And she looks very fit for her age. Her eyes
shift to all of you as you walk in the room seemingly
gleaming. everything there is to glean about
your your person in an instant before going back
to uh cleaning glasses behind you know insert
joke about barkeep that cleans glasses idly until
people walk in but she is wrapping that up as
you all come in can i have like wrapped the lens
in like a blanket or something i love that anything
anyone else does ahead of time i love when you
guys think about this stuff no i'm walking in
covered in blood the only thing i want is to
is to Know that we're bringing the lens with
us. Gotcha. That's all I'm focusing on. Blink
is holding it. He's not letting it go. Yeah.
It's pretty busy. You don't attract too much
attention because, yeah. Before I get out of
the car, can I be the last person to get out
of the car? That was so long ago. The car has
been, yes, you're the last person to get out
of the car. Okay. Well, you said anything you
do. You were the last person to get out of the
car. Cool. I'm going to pocket about, I can't
just let you. Okay. I'm thinking of a number.
I'm thinking of a number. I'm doing some math
here. A thousand gold is a lot of gold. Also,
it's a thousand of these. Yeah, I know. Like
how many can you realistically? That's why I
said it's a lot. Okay. I'm really excited to
hear what the next number is. I'm really excited
because if you say something like 500. Hold on.
I'm going to throw a fit. Would you have even
left the money in the car is the question. Wait,
we can't. Well, Doug is. Compacting down. Where's
the money now? We have to be carrying it. I imagine
it just compacts down with Doug. Is Doug... Have
I said that for Doug? Is he like a bag of dugging?
I don't know. I think he is. A dog of holding
is so much better. No, don't say teach me how
to dug. We're moving on. It would be so cool
and convenient if it was just a briefcase full
of money now. That's all Doug is. Fuck, that's
cool. That's good. After a heist, that's really
cool. Yeah, but still when it's in the chest
in the car, I want to... I'm even willing to
sleight of hand it while we're driving, okay?
Okay. How much money are you taking? 400 gold.
Oh my... I just... Actually, 420 gold. I'm taking
back what I put in. That's really funny. Oh,
it wasn't because... That was how much I put
in, which was intentionally funny the first time.
Okay, very cool. Very cool. You take 420 gold
out and that is back in your pocket. We jump
now to us inside of the glass stallion. Money
distributed. B .O .B. now with Doug and the rest
of the money inside. Yeah. Is that what we're
sticking with? Very cool. Oh, am I going to regret
this? Let me consider what I'm allowing you to
do. Oh, dang. We almost had him. Just a normal
briefcase. Nothing to see here. What happens
if one of us were in the car? Bad things. Oh,
God. Guys, I don't know if I like this. I'm thinking
about the dumb shit you might try later. Fine.
No organic matter. Let's just stick with the
very basic rule of Doug exists like a bag of
holding. So we're not worried about who's carrying
what. It's in Doug. You had better keep that
in. Period. I will pay you to keep it in. So
is it a... dug of holding or a bag of dugging?
Dug of holding. It's a dug of holding. It's a
dug hole. Put it in the dug hole. No. No? I will
not be saying that. Audrey is vetoing dug hole,
huh? I don't think it's up to. Guys, I don't
think we should play the game. This is the game.
This is the game. I love picking apart the game
more than playing the game to be honest. When
your friends say you want to play Dungeons and
Dragons, this is what they mean. So now we all
are sitting in the glass stallion. There's this
large woman standing behind the bar as you all
walk up. She passes a glance at all of you. No
words leave her lips as you enter. There's the
5 -10 rule, you know? You hit 10 feet and she
looks at you. But then you hit 5 and she doesn't
say anything. She's waiting for you to initiate
a conversation. For those listening, that's a
little Medieval Times joke. Me darling, quick
question. If this isn't you, my apologies, but
who do I need to be talking to about getting
a room? That would be me. Great. How do I get
a room? You give me money. How much money do
you need? You want a drink right now? Aye. We
have a special. Give me 10 gold. 10? You get
it. Go. All right. I'm listening. Sorry. She
stops and looks at you and looks around the room
and looks back and she says, that's the price
if you want discretion. And she shoots her eyes
to the bundle in Blink's hands. Cool. I'm covered
in blood, so I'm not going to argue with this
woman. I pull. 10 gold out of... Actually, I
gestured to B .O .B. I opened my hand for him
to crack that briefcase and give 10 gold over.
B .O .B., we need to get a room. Discretion means
she's not going to tell anybody about the shit
we're hauling in here or the things we've been
up to. It's really important that you give me
the 10 gold. It's for the good of the crew. You
folks haven't done this before, have you? They
haven't. They haven't. I'm just going to pull
out 10 gold from my pocket and just give it to
her. Thank you. And looks back at Keela and says,
that was each. And then she puts a glass in front
of you, Chris. And I put the 10 gold in and I
slide it to Keela and I say, play nice. Keela
throws back the drink, opens her hand to B .O
.B. to give her 10 gold. Oh my gosh. BLB, will
you give me that briefcase real quick? You can't
have Doug. I'm not asking for Doug, mate. You
said you didn't care about Doug. That's correct.
I care about the money that's inside Doug. Well,
Doug is all in the money. It's my money. She
shifts her attention to you, Chris, and you immediately
see frustration on her face. And I say, I'll
have a separate room. She says, you're all paid
up. See ya. She gives you a key on the counter.
And I say, blink. Let's go take a load off and
sit in that table yonder corner. Okay. And me
and Blink go. He's got the lens, right? Yeah.
Bye. There's lots of boots in the glass stallion.
It's meant to accommodate a ton of people. Is
it crowded in there? Is it? It's crowded. Absolutely.
Really? Yep. However, it's so crowded that a
conversation in proximity of each other would
blend in perfectly. Okay. I don't think we should
look at this in public. This should be in the
room. You've got the sheet, right? Let's just
hold it up. The most inconspicuous thing to see
in a restaurant slash bar establishment. One
guy in a corner booth holding it up. Just looking
behind. And I go to blink and I go, all right,
up to the room. And we're going to go up to the
room. Perfect. That I paid for. You two sneak
away. Kila rolls her eyes, pulls 15 gold out
of her pocket, puts it on the counter. And yes,
I did say 15 intentionally. It's a bonus five
for the trouble of B .O .B. She nods and she
says, this covers you and half of someone else.
Can this cover me and an extra drink? Of course.
Great. I'll be taking that. Thank you. Who's
going to pay for the wispy one who just went
upstairs? Yobi, would you consider you and Blink
friends? I think so. Blink didn't say anything
nasty about Doug, so you should probably be putting.
10 gold for him and 10 gold for you. Oh, okay.
How many is that? Why don't you open up the briefcase
and I'll help you count. Hello, how much to join
the blue guy and the rabbit guy? 10 gold. Do
you need help counting too? She's a genius. What
if I wanted like a sleeping bag or like... Never
mind. Ten gold. You know, with some rafters I
can hang upside down from. Like a bat? That's
sick. You have a coffin in the back. My room
must have king -size rafters. Sorry. King -size
rafters is good. Ten gold. She takes it with
a glare that is very disinterested. She puts
a glass in front of you and a key next to it
and says, it's not for their room. It's for your
own. I push the glass back, take the key and
I reach over. I reach over and I throw that one
back to you. Let me know when you want me to
start making con saves. She stares right at you,
B .O .B., because you're the only one who hasn't
paid now. B .O .B. will climb up onto it. And
you get your additional drink. Great. B .O .B.
will climb up onto a stool. And then Pat, Doug.
Gently say, okay, let's get some gold. And then
he's going to pop open this briefcase and just
show, turn the briefcase to the bartender and
say, how much of this do you need? Exactly. She
looks down and back up at you and she goes, you
made it sound so heavy. Is this some kind of
joke? As she reaches towards the briefcase and
pulls what sounds like a small handful of gold.
holds it out to you and keela someone familiar
with the the handling of money there's exactly
10 gold in her hand and she says awfully big
box for 10 gold it's uh yeah it's smaller on
the inside she looks at a briefcase that when
you opened it looks like it looks like a normal
size briefcase but somebody had like cut room
in the foam for exactly 10 gold coins And when
you opened it to present it to her, that's all
it was, was exactly 10 gold coins stackly pressed
into foam. Like it's a gun case. B .O .B.'s going
to like look in. Doesn't think twice about it.
What happens if you close it and open again?
I don't know. I've never tried it. All right,
go ahead. Try it. B .O .B.'s going to close it
and then open it again. What do you think B .O
.B.'s expecting to see? His mind is pretty blank
right now. Yeah, he shows it to you and it's
empty. What's up? You look really mad at me.
I'm going to go tell the wispy one that he still
owes you money for the room. How about that one?
I gave all my money to you guys. I have 33 silver.
Why did you do that? Because Kila told me to.
I forgot that Kila said that I am friends with
Blink and that I should... So I'm going to close
it and say... I need money for a blink. Doug.
And open it again. As you're opening it, she
says, I've already seen that it's... And she
cuts off mid -sentence and says, there's once
again pressed perfectly in a stack of 10 gold.
She reaches forward, pulls it out of the firm
foam, encasing the coins. And she stares at you
and goes, cool trick. That is so sick. It's not
a trick. It's science. She goes, oh, you're one
of them. And rolls her eyes and puts a key on
the counter and seems to ignore that last comment
and says, have a great night. He eats the key.
What? What? Did you say he eats the key? No.
No. Okay. Moving on. Let's go to the team upstairs.
You're alone in a room. It's the two of you.
You hear Vane knock on the door to the room that
is yours. Who is it? It's Vane. Yeah, we can
let him in. I open the door. I'm not really into
that. You let him in. At this point, have you
guys already unwrapped the lens? I would say
we put it on the table and we were about to unwrap
it when he walks in that way. You let him into
the room and you unwrap the lens. B .O .B., you're...
hanging out downstairs going upstairs i have
been studying everyone coming up to the bar putting
down their gold getting their drinks so blb is
going to kind of like shift and look down doug
i need a gold out from the side like like a reverse
coin slot it spits out a single gold coin i take
that coin and i put it down on the counter I
am so thirsty. It's actually really good. That's
what I would do. The barkeep takes your gold
and fills your cup with a light amber carbonated
liquid. Oh, no. Not like that. What do you want?
I haven't had any water today. She actually picks
it up and throws it back. And then... Fills the
glass with water from a tap and puts it on the
counter. He like sniffs it. This is really minerally.
Yeah, they clean it in this city. No, I don't
want it clean. Can you add more? What? More minerals.
Like make it like more. You want a tip? Just
go out into the city. There's a river a few feet
away. Scoop that river water out. It'll probably
be what you're looking for. That's okay. I'll
drink your bad water. I just kind of take a sip.
Drink your back water. I want to know about that
later. It's really good. You're gagging at their
clean tap water. Because B .O .B. is so used
to, like, just whatever drips from the walls.
With a cup. Like it's tree sap. Damn, he's desperate
for it. Dude, better that than B .O .B. wandering
out in the city by himself in the dark in the
fucking slums, dude. That's what I was stressed
about. That's what I was worried about. No, it
was B .O .B. wandering in the dark. Somebody
walking by and kicking him. Yay! Stepping on
him. room upstairs the three of us gathered we're
looking at the lens what are we trying to anything
are there markings how is it broken is there
any sort of like i don't know fushigi kind of
puzzle i gotta do very cool anything you are
looking at this machine you are not someone super
familiar with machines i thought it was like
It's a lens. Spoiler. This is a piece of a machine.
But this is a lens. This is a... So we learned
that it's part of a machine. I didn't even have
to roll. No roll necessary. You got me. For the
rest of this, you should roll something. Whether
it is Arcana or History. Do you have proficiency
in either one of those? I'll roll. Can I roll
History too? Yes. I got a 17 on History. I have
not used my point of inspiration. I won and it's
almost over. So I'm going to use it. Come on,
baby. Oh, that's 22. Nice. We study the shit
out of this. Yeah. A few things are going to
happen. Let's go in order of lowest to highest.
17 is history. Yep. 19 is arcana. 18 is arcana.
Yeah. 22 is investigation. Okay. Blink. You are
looking at this thing and you are trying to piece
together what it could possibly be. You start
thinking of different stories of monsters that
you've gone up against, things you've spent your
time, maybe not fighting, but maybe telling stories
about fighting, whether you actually did or just
heard stories before about people doing great
heroic things against all these different kinds
of beasts. But this lens, when you're looking
at it, is just a very durable. piece of crystal,
glass maybe, something transparent, but with
a light yellow hue to it. On the outside, there
is a band of like silver that is this strange
metal that as you move your hands towards it,
it almost hums underneath your skin. You're a
genasi, so you touch this as you're identifying
it, unless you wouldn't, but that hum is under
your hands. On impact, you feel an energy radiate
from this thing. If you touch the glass, not
so much, but the metal on the sides, you sort
of almost like licking a battery, but it's just
this reverberation that almost transfers to a
power inside of you. You know that just on the
instant, not everyone should touch this. You
pull your hand away and... Did he actually touch
it? Yeah, he did. Oh, okay, okay. He didn't just
hover or whatever? Correct. He actually touched
it. There have been stories that you were told
of weapons made of rare metals that mortal men
are physically repelled by. They cannot physically
carry them. You heard a story of a dwarf that
creates such weapons. Do I know the dwarf's name?
His name was a ton barrel bottom. That's all
you know on a 17. On an 18 for Arcana, you stare
at this. lens and also piece together that it's
part of a magical device. You watch Blink hover
his hand and sort of responds to an energy that
is coming from this thing and you pick up quickly.
I probably shouldn't touch this. This lens itself
is magic. What its magical properties are, you
can't quite pick up, but it's not just the metal
band that's magic. The whole glass itself was
created to serve a function and the band seems
to allow the glass to do that. And last but not
least, we have a 22 on investigation. And maybe
it's because you're not so close to it looking
at the finer details and you're just standing
back trying to perceive what the fuck this thing
ever could have been. Watching their reactions.
Watching their reactions. And it's in this weird
step back that you are framed this circle as
maybe something smaller. You see a painting on
the wall. It's generic. art to try and make a
room feel more homey. And it's a pair of ducks
flying into the sky. And as you look at the circular
lens and over at the duck, you, it's kind of
a one in a million connection, but maybe this
is the eye of a creature. And specifically that
as you're staring at it and you're connecting,
maybe this is an organic creature. No. Okay.
It wouldn't be living, but if somebody was maybe
making a statue, They would use this as like
an eyepiece. Okay. Can we all share our information
with each other? Yeah, I think it's all coming
to light. You know, you can choose to share it
or not. B .O .B. As you were sitting there downstairs,
Kila comes back down, throws back another drink
next to you, and you start to hear faint whispers
tickling the top of your head. It's almost like
a physical itch that you can feel inside of your
brain in a familiar voice. That you heard earlier
just today. Lits out a. You helped me. I can
help you. Um. Who's there? You don't get a response.
But that itching is still pulling you in a direction.
And it's leading you upstairs. And this will
be happening simultaneously to you guys investigating.
You good mate? Something is itching in the back
of my head and causing me to want to go somewhere
else. Is that normal? And that somewhere else
is where exactly? Upstairs. All right. Well,
that is probably just you feeling a wee bit lonely
sitting here at the bar by yourself. That itch
in the back of your head, though. Keeler doesn't
give a shit. I'm not by myself, though. I'm with
Doug. Go upstairs then, I guess. You can bring
Doug with you or you can leave him with me for
safekeeping. No, I'm going to bring Doug. You
don't even like Doug. It's not that I don't like
Doug. I just knew that the car would get us here
in one piece. And if we stopped, the car wouldn't
be in one piece. So really, I actually did you
a favor. If we had stopped like you had asked
to, that giant robot thing would have smashed
Doug to pieces. So really, I think you owe me
an apology and also a thank you. Because really,
I saved Doug. You would have gotten him killed.
That's some Breaking Bad shit, dude. That was
the biggest gaslighter. He's going to hop off
the seat and he's going to take Doug. He says,
fine. Okay. I thank you for saving Doug. And
for... You're welcome. And B .O .B., you know
what? But I wasn't finished. Okay. I still think
you said some mean things to Doug. And I don't
think he appreciates it. So, you know, maybe
think about that the next time when he's saving
everybody's life. Also, that drop should have
killed you, but you didn't. So you should consider
yourself lucky that Doug was there. Okay, bye.
That has nothing to do with Doug, mate. Okay.
You go upstairs? Yeah. Keela? What are my activity
choices down here? Oh, my gosh. Okay. No, I'm
going to shift to going upstairs. What are you
mad about, Kyle? Keela can't be that unfeeling.
He's an eight -year -old kid. And he's being
more mature than you. I'm crying. I told you.
No tequila. I fucking told you. Half an ounce.
And I spilled some, so three -eighths of an ounce.
Are you saying no tequila or no tequila? He's
saying no tequila. Which one are you saying?
Both. Definitely both. Hey, I never once said
Keela was a good person. In fact, I have been
very vocal about the fact that Keela is a bad
person. She kills people and thinks it's fun.
But she's not the worst person. No, but she's
getting there. She's trying. And Behobie the
Goblin would break me. It would. It did. For
like 25 seconds. Welcome to D &D. You head upstairs
in a away from the immature Akilah. Hey! Whoa!
And you start marching up the stairs. Akilah
goes to find a game to play, to find a way to
maybe swindle some money out of these people.
You make your way upstairs, and you find these
three deep in thought. Chris has this aha moment,
and just a few seconds later, B .O .B. knocks
on the door. How do you invite yourself? Because
I'll tell you what, your key goes, first of all,
it's in your stomach. What? That's where you're
wrong. oh no way and he can pull the key go ahead
narrate that for me uh okay so everyone knows
all goblins have a second uh The gob hole, yeah.
The gob hole, where they pocket their goods.
Hey, Kyle, it's okay. That's not, he's just making
it up. Okay, okay. I was like, did I miss that?
No, no. Very concerned. Did I miss that Lord
of the Rings scene? He's obviously never. All
goblins have a second hole called the gob hole.
It's located in their mouth to the left, and
then they just pull out whatever goods that they're
storing or hiding because they need to. And then
take the key out and then put it into the keyhole.
You let yourself into the room. Chris, you just
had your aha moment as B .O .B. walks in. And
B .O .B., your vision begins to go a bit vignette
as the rings on the outside of your vision go
dark. And I need you to give me a charisma saving
throw. Uh -oh. The DC on this is going to be
14. Oh. That is an 18 plus 2. Oh. Dirty 20. You
walk into the room. Your vision begins to do
that tunnel vision effect. And you hear that
voice that you heard passing by earlier today
in the crate. And then just a moment ago, pulling
you from upstairs. Once again, it says, Now we'll
help you just one time. Oh, no. What happened?
As you make your charisma save, your vision unblurs.
And the last thing this thing said to you was
just one touch. But you do not feel magically
compelled. It's the whole table. Understand the
weight of what's happening here. This is a B
.O .B. choice. As B .O .B. enters, do we see
his little, like... seizure fit or is this no
episode there's no episode it's he just says
okay so all we heard him say was so he just stands
there for 15 seconds and then says okay that
sounds like not even that long that's not out
of character either but yeah that's true i'm
gonna be like hey buddy um we've just been checking
this thing out and so far like i don't think
anyone should really be touching it oh well buddy
uh He's easy. He told me to touch him. He can
help me. So I'm going to do it. Yobi, I know
you're smarter than you look, like you've proven
many times, honestly. But something's really
up with this thing. Did you say it told you to
touch it? Yeah, it's been talking to me for a
day. I saw it once we were on the thing and it
was on the cart. Yobi, did you drink? The brown
liquor from the bartender. Did you drink that
brown liquid? No, I should have, though. The
other stuff gave me a tummy ache. What other
stuff? Water. I think we should let the goblin
touch the thing. You said you should or shouldn't?
I think we should. Do a lot of things talk to
you, B .O .B.? Okay, all three of us looked at
it and were like, this is... This is whack. It's
super magical. But B .O .B. hasn't had any liquor.
And has clearly shown a connection of some kind
with Doug. But things that talk to you aren't
always good. Everything talks to me. That is
very concerning. I think he just wants to touch
it. Yeah, yeah. I'm on your side now, yeah. I
don't think so, B .O .B. Oh, okay. I feel like
only magical beings can. Do you have any magic
in you? No. Yeah, maybe avoid it then. Yeah,
yeah. We wouldn't want to get hurt, little buddy.
You're a little buddy. Oh, okay. I mean, if he
wants, I don't know. I don't know what would
happen, but... Why not, right? If you want to,
it's your choice. You know what? I think you
should, B .O .B. Oh, okay. Do you want to? Should
we let him touch you? He's had a tough day. Yeah,
and you've done really good today. You know what?
As a reward. Yeah, you deserve it, B .O .B. Okay.
You're doing great. Okay. Come on. Touch the
thing. Okay. I'm going to walk over. Garrison,
are you cool with him touching it? Oh, yeah.
No. I'm so cool. I'm like, adrenaline's pumping.
Do one last one. One last what, Avi? Tell us
what you're rolling for. Decision making. I think
he's rolling wisdom saves. I put the fucking
thing in my mouth. I don't know. It's in that
one. In the gobble. He licks it. What? Yeah,
no. Yeah, B .O .B. is going to walk on over to
the thing. He's like, I'm here to help. Well,
you know, I'm here to be helped by you. B .O
.B. marches over to the thing, gives it a good
look up and down, and... grabs it with two hands
as you grab it you feel a a surge of power and
you are surrounded instantly by a burst of like
black and purple magic you instantly your friends
fade away and you are just grabbing this lens
as it rips from your hands and quickly shrinks
down to the size of a eye of a standard human
and in front of you the the wispy Black and purple
magic begins to take on a form of like a humanoid
bird. But as he starts to manifest, parts of
his skin is missing and you see exposed bone.
And he sits there half formed, half flesh, half
skeleton, a mechanical heart ticking in his chest.
He looks at you as eyes. kick on this bright
yellow light behind these lenses now as they
flicker at first, but then become steady and
you hear the voice go, you don't deserve this.
You don't. As his hand extends and grabs you,
go ahead and give me one more charisma save.
That's a two. Take a point of my inspiration.
Take the rest of them. I have one more. Okay.
Burn yours first. Bam. That's a five. Take a
point of my inspiration. Thank you, Jon Hamm.
Jon Hamm! You got a natural 20? Had to be. That's
a Jon Hamm. One last Jon Hamm for the road. B
.O .B., you, despite your body locking up and
almost fear in this moment as this creature with
a long, sharp talon -like fingers as it reaches
its hand out towards you, it... looks as though
it is going to put its hands around your face
yeah your body is frozen as it makes its approach
but in the last second you're able to take just
a few steps back it's grab goes short, and we
jump into real life as Chris is pulling you away
from this lens. The rest of us seeing as B .O
.B. grabbed it, he almost instantly went limp.
His grip's still hard against the lens, but his
body hanging off almost completely. Everything
that we saw in that glimpse was just a few seconds
between him going limp and you running up and
pulling him off. The only reason you woke up
was a long enough charisma save to not immediately
lose yourself. And you grabbed him. Sometimes
you don't really know when you make a mistake
as a friend, but this case. Oops. Oh, that's
good. Thank you to Chandler for use of our theme
song. And thank you to Chris for our delightful
art. And thank you to everyone who is giving
us your time. All the shares and word of mouth
talking about the show has really made it blow
up more than I ever expected it to. Now, it's
not huge, but I am incredibly grateful for the
audience we have. You guys have given us hundreds
of hours of your life listening to our show.
And that is something I never thought anything
I would make would achieve. Thanks for making
that dream a reality. And we'll see you in two
weeks. Hey, I used an ancient alchemy to make
these fucked up concoctions.