Thank you. Hi, gamers. Welcome back to Turntales,
a loosey -goosey, rules -light, narratively -based
Dungeons & Dragons podcast. I would like to dedicate
this episode specifically to our boy, Alan Burnett.
Alan, may your passion and creativity guide everything
that we do from this episode and every episode
moving forward. We love you. We miss you. And
inspire us every day. We love you, Alan. Wow.
That's sweet. Now I have to cry when I'm editing,
too. Question of the session, the sesh quesh.
I'm ripping one that we didn't do last week or
whatever, a couple weeks ago. What is your character's
favorite color? Real easy, real basic. I guess
I have to go first, huh? My name is Adi. I play
Captain Keela Sharp, a clasterization of a swashbuckler
rogue and a druid. And Keela's favorite color
is a dark turquoise. Clasterization is awesome.
Thanks. Ripped that one out of my ass just now.
That's it. No way. That was just now. That was
just now. That's awesome. Okay. All right. We
get it. You're good at this. Howdy. My name is
Tim Swanson. I play Blink, the Air Genasi monk.
Blink's favorite color would be like a seafoam
green. Because he liked looking out into the
ocean. Silo green? Sorry. Silo green. Perfect
shade. I so wish I didn't say it. I'm so sorry
I did that to you, Tim. It rhymes with seafoam
green. I couldn't stop. I pulled the e -brake
and my mouth kept going. Thank you, Tim. My name
is Kyle. I play Christ of Wixes, the Heron Gone
Ranger. who's trying to have a good time, but
these MFers are making it pretty hard. But maybe
he'll find the silver lining. And his favorite
color is like an emerald green, like almost brown
green. Whoa. Real dark. Yeah, yeah. My name is
Sean Major. I'm Dungeon Master in this sort of
D &D game. Loosey -goosey rules light narrative
based Dungeons & Dragons podcast. Exactly that.
My favorite color is orange. Why? So, what? Why?
Why is my favorite color orange? Yeah. Do you
know why colors are your favorite? Mm -hmm. Wait,
really? Yeah, I think so. You can usually just
relate them to something. Yeah. Okay. If I'm
answering why, you have to say why, too. In character?
That's crazy. Cool. Then my name is Sean Major,
and my favorite color is orange. And you want
to know why? It's because it draws my eye constantly,
and it's like a forbidden fruit to me because
I can't wear it. It looks so bad. It's fine on
pants with dark colors. It's all right. But as
a white guy, you try to wear an orange shirt,
and you just look like... A pumpkin. It makes
you look a little sick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely.
It washes out your face and stuff. That's true.
I have a tank that's like the crush, orange crush
soda, and it's bright orange. I wouldn't dare
wear that in front of anybody except my wife.
Yeah, so I hear that. It's my favorite fruit
and a forbidden fruit. I know what I'm getting
Sean for his birthday. Orange clothes? That's
fucked up. An assortment of yellow shirts. Or
orange shirts. Nice one. Yellow's worse on me,
so that would be brutal. We're going to go backwards,
Keela. Why is your favorite color? They haven't
even gone yet. I don't care. I had to do why
on my turn. Damn. This wasn't even the question
I asked. I don't care. It became why about me.
So I said everyone has to answer why. Sean hijacked
it. I didn't hijack it. You forced this on me.
Sean's kind of having a power trip right now.
He said, you know what? I don't care anymore.
It's your turn. Howdy. I'm Obby Santana, and
I play B .O .B., the artificer, goblin, boy genius,
idiot savant. And B .O .B.'s favorite color is...
Drumroll, please. It's gold. Whoa. Oh, that's
good. I love gold. I love gold. Sorry, I don't
do gold. For the hardcore Austin Powers fans
out there. And the why, since we're doing that.
Well, why else would his favorite color be gold?
Duh. It's shiny. Hello, I'm Garrison. I'm playing
Vayne, the Hexblade Warlock Vampire. And his
favorite color is probably like a midnight purple
or violet. The reason why? I don't know. It's
buried in his subconscious, his past. Oh, that's
good. He lost his memory. So the reason is actually
unknown. He lost his memory? No, that's just
a really good excuse to not know why. Is this
lore? Yeah, he lost his memory. He doesn't remember.
Are we spoiling things? No, did you just pull
that? Well, why'd you pick purple? From a long
forgotten memory. I guess you have to play the
game to find out. Yeah, you have to play to find
out. Anyone else want to give their why? The
color of like the ocean in certain places. Cool.
Similar. Blink used to spend a lot of time crying
up in his room in the monastery and the waves
would calm him down a little bit. Shouldn't have
asked. Who brought this killjoy? Chris has a
lucky jade bracelet that he doesn't wear that
he keeps in his bag because he's afraid of it
getting snapped. And that's based on a real life
thing. I wear it all the time. You, Kyle? Yeah,
yeah. Really? I have a jade bracelet that I got
in Sedona when my wife and I were still dating.
And I think it's kind of lucky. So we ended the
last session at the Glass Stallion. You guys
have three identities. Alana, Rebecca, and...
Beatrice. Beatrice, thank you. Do you guys want
to discuss your plan? Yes. Cool. We'll call this
the setup of the heist. You did all of the planning
where you gathered your things, but I'm going
to start a timer and let you guys talk. In your
setup, you can talk about questions you would
ask ahead of time. And once we get through that
phase, then you guys are making choices on how
you are splitting up. Because of the nature of
this... Things are going to move whether you
are moving or not. D &D is usually really slow
and turn -based. This cannot be one of those
situations because of the nature of things moving
by and you losing your opportunity. So you are
going to be on a timer of sorts. When there's
no more lots to sell, the jig's up. Understood?
Yep. I am going to get a random card. And I am
going to shuffle it into this deck. And I'm going
to write on that lot 31. And when it's lot 31's
turn, it's going on stage. Shit. Are lots not
coming up in numerical order? You're not going
to tell us. Or no, they're not coming up in numerical
order. The order is shuffle. In theory, it could
be the first lot up and we're just having to...
It's go time. Okay. Cool. So you guys take some
time. Get your list of questions because I'm
going to want those all at one time and I'm going
to answer them all. And then that's it. You can't
add any questions. I'm going to leave the room
and go add my extra card. I don't want to hear
too much of your planning because... i don't
want to be able to actively make a plan against
you as you make because i already have a lot
of power as a dm and i'm excited to see what
you guys come up with without me intervening
do you guys want any heist music while i'm gone
yes please i was actually about to ask um okay
let's just um get started what is everyone's
individual idea for themselves that they would
wish to accomplish out of this. We have three
names. Yes. But we don't have to use all of them.
No, we don't. We don't have to use all of them.
I am sort of partial to bring in Blink with me
because the man's got pass without a trace. Okay.
Which adds 10 to a stealth check. And that's
for backstage? Yeah, that would be backstage.
So that can be... Team A. Killa is not made to
be in front of people and not draw attention
to herself. Maybe we go for that, though. That's
my inclination, just as far as, like, stat spread
goes mechanically. And also, I'm incredibly armed,
so... Garrison. I want to be a bartender and...
over -serve all the guests. That's really good.
So that they're going to be off their game. So
we use all three identities. He just happens
to be front of house using a back of house identity
and getting people too fucked up to bid correctly.
Chris? Yeah, I mean, I could do either or. I
could be in the middle or in the back. I will
have a red security clearance. Garrison will
have a green security clearance. Security makes
it so that I can bring weapons and nobody will
look at me sideways. Well, then he also said
that there's like the crate handlers too. Yeah,
well, I don't think we have passes for that.
I imagine... That might be the purple passes.
Okay. Which we have to figure out who has the
purple passes. We are at 807 right now. Okay.
So just so I can get my point out of. Yeah, yeah.
B .O .B. can't be seen by Gruzak. Gruzak will
be there. So B .O .B. almost has to be. So you
got to be a human. I have to be a human. But
that also means that B .O .B. can be a bidder.
He can go in as the whale. Turn. Doug into a
Rolls Royce because he's seen it. And then drive
and pull up as like the big money bags guy. Heck
yeah. And do the bidding. So would Chris be like
your butler? I think Chris is there to make sure
you bid on the right fucking thing and not the
first shiny thing that catches your eye. This
is going to be almost like the handler for the
uber rich guy. And also doing a detail of the
area. Checking rooms. Here's the thing. Chris
is not going to be able to go backstage. No,
no, no. But he can do everything else. Gotcha,
gotcha, gotcha. You said all the different rooms.
And then Whale will also be distraction when
we need the distraction. Because Yobi's good
at distracting. You guys think I've given you
a fair enough amount of time? I think so. I think
we got this. I'll give you one more bit of information.
I'll give you five more minutes, all right? Because
I thought about mechanics I didn't give you before
I left. Cool, cool, cool. The way we're going
to do turns are going to be... If you start combat,
we're just going to go to normal combat rules.
Cool. Right? But each... Auction item is just
going to be one turn, which means you all get
to make one move out on the field or in place
per item. Auction would still be happening during
combat? No. Well, it depends. Are you secretly
doing it backstage without alerting anyone? If
so, yes. It'll go normally. But if everyone stops
because there's a big fight, it all stops. So
let me explain the mechanic of the team in the
crowd. If you bid on something, you will buy
everyone in your party an extra round. Oh, if
you bid on something. Yep. However, you will
roll me a d6, and whatever that number is, you
are paying that much 100 gold extra. Okay. I
wish I hadn't known that. So if the bidding starts
at 200, you're going to roll a d6, and you roll
a 6. That's an 800 gold item. Shit. However,
you bought everyone else a turn of time. Okay.
So as the bidder, I need to know that. You need
another five minutes, do you think? I would like
at least to make sure that we all are on the
same page. Do we want to bid on anything outside
of Lot 31? Because I do think that's a good mechanic
to buy you guys time if you need time because
this is on a timer. Yes. Because I was going
to say, if the plot is to steal the item, we
don't necessarily need money. To buy the item.
You could bid on every single item. And this
is gambling. This is going to be gambling. You
can do a small bid on every single item to make
it just go as long as possible. Better yet, if
we know when Lot 31 comes up next, we in the
crowd just continually bid on that previous item
forever until Lot 31 is gone. They give the signal.
We're good. I think that's a good plan. I love
it. Are there any holes? The only holes. What
are our code names? Alana, dude. Alana? We can't
use any names other than those ones or we're
going to get incriminated. You can have a code
name. Well, mine would be the whale. Rolls Royce.
I get what we're doing here. The whale is seated
or the whale has beached. Legs. Legs? Legs is
on the move. This is stupid. Ruffles. Ruffles?
Yeah, Garrison is Ruffles. Bane is Ruffles. To
your guises. I'll be the crab. The crab. Think
about... Chuckles. Chuckles. I love it. Chuckles
on the leg, man. Okay, so we'll do everything
that we can to steal it in the event that Lot
31 comes out on stage. Understand that we probably
were not successful. If you got the money, bid
on it. And if not, we jump up on stage, cause
a big distraction, and wish for the best. Easy.
Then I start shooting. I'm just going to be straightforward.
Probably not going to have the money to bid on.
Wait, wait. How much is the money? How much money
do we have? Let's say $8 ,300. Plus $150 each.
I want the solid number. I have $133. You have
$133? Well, some of us aren't paying our fair
share. I got this fancy suit for nothing. Okay,
if we all hook in. our 150. That brings us up
to 9580. I am willing to compensate 420 into
that to bring us back up to the whole 10 ,000.
So we're going to say 10 ,000. 10 ,000. Very
good. Well, guys, who's A team? Who's B team?
Who's the front of house? Who's infiltrating?
Back of house, Blink and Keyla. Backslash front
of house is going to be Vayne. He's technically
back of house staff, but he's bartending in the
front of house. Okay. And then front of house
auction attendees, Chris and B .O .B. Yeah. Okay.
We did come up with code names as well. We did
come up with code names. I want to hear those
in a second, but let me point out a few things
as you start your setup here. You guys are walking
up in your respective groups. Vane, you talk
to a man in a big, like, fancy tuxedo almost.
He's... A mammoth of a man. He's like six foot
seven, easily 300 pounds. And he looks at you
and he says, right. You have a preference where
you're going. What are the options? What are
you fucking good at, kid? Oh, bartending. Great.
Choose a bar. I'll choose this one. I work better
alone. Great. I am going to roll. Perception
checks for guards to notice that you've been
gone an absurdly long time if you are at a post
like that. Is that okay? That's fine. Okay. Great.
Anything else about your role here that you want
to talk about as we move into the... You can't
talk with your group anymore because you are
trying to blend in. No, I'll just go ahead to
my station. I'll be like, all right. Thanks.
See you later. We have a montage that shows all
of these guys trying to teach you how to talk
like a human being. Okay. Wait. Okay. I'll throw
something in really quick. I'm practicing. Okay.
Let me try. What can I drink you? I mean, what
can I get you to drink? Fuck. I mean, what can
I get you to drink? Okay. Who wants to go next?
Who's going to take their position? Whoever is
front of house is going to go as a unit. And
you'll be showing up last. So who's my other
back of house team? That's us. And you. And Blink.
Okay. So my other two back of house gamers. Okay.
You are approaching that same back door together
or separate? Separate. I think it's probably
better if we are not linked together in any capacity.
Who's first? I'll go first. All right. The same
mammoth of a man is there. And he looks you up
and down and he goes. Are you venue security
or private? Private's going to use the front
entrance. Private security. After all that hubbub
on the bridge, they aren't taking any chances.
Give me a deception check. It's going to be pretty
easy here. Holy shit, what a bold swing here,
Audrey. 17. Okay. Yeah, he says, yeah, go around
the front. I think their passcode was... Just
make some weird clicking sounds. Trust me, it'll
work. All right. Rich people, right? Right. And
you go around and he changes his attention towards
you, Blink. Same question. Blink is wearing the
suit that he had on before, but he's carrying
the security uniform with him. And he's like,
venue, is there a place I can change? He kind
of like looks you from head to toe a few times
and he goes. Your venue security, huh? Yeah.
How'd you get this job? I'm really good at what
I do. He narrows his eyes for a second. He easily,
like, towers over you. I know you're tall, but
he's big too. But mass -wise, this guy's probably,
like, three times your size. I don't know if
you could be even in a fight or not, but, you
know, I would be intimidated. However... He sort
of tries to like mad dog you and intimidate you.
And when you seem completely unfazed in your
same cheery way, he goes. Just smiling back at
him. You know what? I see what they saw. Get
in there. And you should be in uniform when you
show up next time. Yeah. Is there like a private
room I could. Yeah, but make it quick. The hosts
are showing up soon. Use one of the dressing
rooms. Okay. So he let me go through the back
way then. Yep. So you're going to walk into this
room right now. With a back storage room where
all of the lots are kept. You see, in this massive
building spanning the entire length of the back
of the opera house, there is just all of the
lots laid out with cards. However, the lots are
not open. They are in sealed crates. The cards,
the numbers are there. Yes. I'm going to walk
through, keeping it out for 31. As you get to
the end of the ramp and start going deeper into
the warehouse, you hear him whistle. And he goes,
hey, dressing rooms are up the ramp. Oh, right.
My bad. I don't see it. Not at the first table,
no. What number is on the first table? You see
lot 22. I guess I'll write this down. 22, 77,
300, and 2. On the first table, and he entered
from the back. Correct. So he walked to here
and saw these lots. Gotcha. And it was going
up here. Cool beans. He didn't quite make out
this one before the guy was like, hey. And so
this is the first table. Is this the first set
that will go out? You don't know. Okay. Right,
my bad. And I'm going to turn around and go towards
the dressing rooms. Great. So you go up this
door. When you walked in, I guess he would have
given you a weird flat slate piece of metal that
when you flip it over has a red stone etched
into the middle of it. And as you walk up to
the door and he clicks this stone up against
it, it opens and it lets you in and he hands
you the stone. High fuck deck, bro. Yeah, dude.
You go up to the ramp and find another one of
those doors. Pop it open. This part here is like
a backstage that has doors on either side that
has sealed doorways with a soft purple glow above
them. Just like the other ones had a soft red
glow above them. What kind of costumes? Like
just opera house costumes? Yeah, just various
Shakespearean looking fancy costumes. Is there
a powdered wig? Yeah, I'm going to pocket one
as I change. Okay, you can grab one. Give me
a slight of hand check to nonchalant or performance,
I guess, to nonchalantly walk through here and
nab something. I'm going to use an inspiration.
Okay. 16. 16 is good enough. You nab a powdered
wig and tuck it into your pocket unseen just
underneath the clothing. Oh, you'll find out.
Oh, yeah, you've talked about the powdered wig
ahead of time. This is all part of the plan.
Okay. Good. You are in. You are set up. So I've
been moved around to the front, yeah? Correct.
Okay. Hold on. Sorry. One more thing. Tim, you're
going to be getting your positioning soon, and
we are going to roll a die to determine where
you're supposed to be. Once I change and I try
to sneak past to where the guard was, where he
stopped me, can I keep going down to see where
32 is? Okay. This outer door to look down the
ramp that you walked up into the warehouse, and
you find that the door you were led in through
by the guard is closed currently, which makes
sense. It was closed when you rolled up. This
is a massive room. You can give me an investigation
check if you just want to sprint through and
take a quick look, but there is a chance this
door opens if you are lingering for more than
a few seconds. Yeah, I'll roll an investigation.
Okay. How much time are you taking? Are you really
quick or a couple minutes or 10 minutes? A couple
minutes. Okay. DC will be 15. And this would
mean he finds it. Is that your main goal is to
find 31? Or are you trying to clock as much information
as possible? 31. What palette is on? What other
numbers it's with? Okay. Great. What was it,
DC? 15. I got 15 exactly. Nice. 17. There's lot
31. That corner over there? Yep. Fuck, I wish
I could talk to someone. I'm almost tempted to
switch that box with another lot and then communicate
that somehow. Are these like crates? That one
is a foot tall, three feet wide. But it's like
a crate, like a wooden crate that's like nailed
together. Yeah. And I'm going to say if you don't
leave right now, I'm going to start rolling odds
that the door opens. Do I have time to swap it
for number 300? Over here? No. No. That means
I will roll a chance the door opens. I'm going
to swap it with 51. 51 is two boxes. Oh, shit.
Then 11. Okay, they're kind of similar in size
-ish. I'll say you can swap them right now. However,
after you do this action, I'm rolling for the
door. Okay. And then I'm going to roll... What's
your movement? A lot. 45, but I would take, if
I had time, a thing where my dash is doubled.
Monks. Okay. I will roll two total checks. One
for the swap and one for your way out of the
room. Cool. The DC will be, it'll start at 10
on my first roll. It'll go to 15 on my second
roll. This is risky. You know that. Yeah. Okay.
You're committing to this. You swap the two boxes.
So wait, you have to get 10 or higher to see
me swapping them? So if I roll a 10 or higher.
the door doesn't open. And then on the second
one, if I roll a 15 or higher, the door doesn't
open. Okay. But if it's lower than a 15 on the
second one or lower than a 10 on the first one,
the door opens. Okay. Okay. First D20 roll. 18.
Okay, cool. You swap the two positions. You are
dashing to the door? Yes, but if it opens, I
want to slow it to like, not like a walk, but
like a hurried, like, I don't know where I am,
like at work when you're busy. So here's what
I'll say. Not dashing, you're in the middle of
the warehouse. Worst possible situation. Dashing,
you're right next to the door. Still not good
because why did you come back out this way? However,
if you step of the wind, you can be out of this
room. You could be like the door just closes
right as this one opens. I'd rather you just
take the risk. Okay, just a normal dash. You
dash to the door, which means you're still on
the outside of the door. If the door opens right
now, that's still bad. Kepka? It's a natural
one. Okay. The door opens and you see two big
burly figures. One's familiar, the other one
not. And they are both looking into the warehouse
at you as you are about to walk up to the scanner
to tap your key card against it. And he goes,
Oi, snoop it again? No, I was just seeing if
there was a better place to put my clothes. Right.
Am I good to just leave it in the dressing room?
I don't want anyone to take it. Yeah, go ahead.
Leave it in the dressing room. Also, I'm going
to have you work front of house tonight. Okay.
Yeah, wherever you need me. Great. Perfect. You'll
guard the kitchen. Fantastic. Yeah. Thanks again
for the job. Follow him. And he tells the other
guy to go with you. Your position is this D20
over here. Perfect. Perfect. Okay. Well, I see
Blink. That is Blink. Yep. So you two are in
line side of each other. You're both on the far
western side of the opera house. I'm going to
be very careful about this, but as long as no
one's looking at me and I'm making eye contact
with Vayne, I'm going to keep going 11. Like
two fingers up and mouthing the word 11. Oh,
that actually works out really good. That's cool.
Okay, let me write that down. This whole time
I'm like, oh no, he swished them. And we don't
know. And we don't know. Yobi's bidding at all
of it. Yeah. That's why I go. So Garrison, he
just mimed. He said, I was putting both of my
index fingers up. And he said, was it? And then
he put all ten of his fingers up and then a one
or just the two indexes. That's insane. Who uses
two hands to count to two? Blink, maybe. Fair,
fair. That's a very good point. And then Blink
will flash back all ten fingers and then plus
one. Nice. Very good. So because of your mess
up here, it ends up being a boon. Your mess up
at the door. positioned you in something that's
not super advantageous because you don't have
eyes extra eyes back there uh you're now guarding
the stage left wing uh which is also the entrance
to the private kitchen on the west side of the
building on the west side of the building very
good uh most people probably don't care about
that it's all right you're just on the same side
as vein who you are now relaying the message
to Very good. This is going swimmingly so far.
Great. So you guys are taking your positions.
Thank you so much. Sorry this is taking a little
bit. You're coming up to the front door, Kayla.
Yeah, so this may not have been the move, but
that's fine. I can fix this. What does private
security look like for... other people already
in this space can i pick out who is already private
security or have i sort of fucked myself you
go to the front of the opera house and it's a
dead zone out there the cafes across the street
are busy but no one's walking up to the front
of the opera house i'm gonna walk in the front
door all right you walk in the front door you
get the full scope laid before you here on the
table uh it is a massive almost ballroom that
has some chairs laid out it looks like it could
fit anywhere from 80 to 100 people sitting and
watching the audience actively. Some could be
standing at tables at either of the bars on either
side of the room. But as you walk in, you see
an orange goblin sitting at a stool at one of
those standing tables. And to his right is a
figure that makes you sort of double take at
first because it looks a little bit like Doug.
It's a large mechanical... that we would recognize
as like a mech suit, a creature that is being
piloted by something else. And it seems that
Gruzak's personal security right now is this.
And you see Gruzak with one of those slate key
cards that has a purple line through it. And
he looks at you as you walk in and he goes, he
exhales on a fat cigar and he... Chuckles a little
bit. He goes, uh, are you lost? Just a wee bit,
darling. I only got hired into private security
last week and they really didn't give me a whole
lot of information as to where I was supposed
to go or what I was supposed to do when I got
here. Hired last week, huh? Private security.
And he, uh, cops down out of the stool, his metal
arm hitting the ground hard and heavy. doing
some damage to the floor and he takes a few steps
towards you and cranes his neck back to look
up at you he's easily like two feet tall two
and a half feet tall uh he's a little taller
than that he's three and a half feet tall cool
and he looks up at you uh with his disgusting
checkered metallic gold smile and he says uh
private security would be for me I don't remember
hiring you. And he reaches his metallic hand
up and touches your chin like he's grabbing it
kind of politely and tilts your face into his
and actually tries to pull you close down to
his level. She'll let him. She'll play nice.
She'll smile at him. He says, Now, were you just
a confused broad who should have gone around
the back? Or are you planning something? Well,
the idiots in the back sent me around to the
front. Yeah. So I don't really know what the
problem is. And he exhales this disgusting smoke,
which is terrifying because you haven't seen
him take a drag since he started his sentence.
Cool, cool, cool. It's impressive. Cool, cool.
Now, are you just nervous? You're telling me
that you're the only rich bloke here that hires
private security? You must be out of your mind.
Fair point. You're a bit early. Want a drink?
God, yeah, I do. Okay, he gestures to the other
stool near his table and climbs up and gestures
over to the bar on the far side that vein you
are standing at. And he says, hey, pale ass,
bring us something good. Sorry, pale what? He
stops smiling and looks at you and he says, what?
Just do it, you fucking moron. Didn't you hear
the man? Bar service, I got you. What can I get
you? Get us something good. Something good? Oh.
Are you talking? Go. No, no, no. I got you. Yeah,
I'll be right back. Hey, stupid. The good stuff
is usually on the top shelf. Oh, don't worry.
Just in case you lose your way. I'm going all
the way up there. It's dusty up there. Oh, climbing
to the top of the shelf. He looks you up and
down and he says, I'll give you it. 15 gold if
you punch him in the throat when he comes back.
I'll do it for 10. I like you. I make altogether
too strong of a drink. For anyone. For both of
them. Yeah, for... No, I make two drinks. One
is excessively strong for Gruzak, and just an
average... Something that will give Kila a bit
of confidence, if anything. Cool. Just a bit
of that buzz. You successfully make a really
strong drink and one that's less strong. You
bring them back. Go ahead and give me a deception
roll. Performance roll. As you drop off the drinks,
he's going to stare you down. He looks you in
the eye in a very menacing way as his smile fades,
and he's trying to move to look you in the eye,
so you have to look him in the eye. But yeah,
give me that roll. I smile back. And he's going
to roll an insight check. 17. 17. You put the
drink down and you watch his eyes go to the drink
and then back to you. And his smile comes back
as his right eye begins to make a ticking noise.
And you see it flash gold twice really quick.
And as it fades back to its gross, sickening
green hue, you... Feel like he's looking through
you as he is going to make this at advantage
now. And he's going to make an insight check.
He adds three. So he has to be a 17. 14 or higher.
Could I use inspiration if I need be? Not after
the fact. You have to set it. Fair enough. Happy
with 17? 17's pretty high. Yeah, I'm good with
17. That's a six. And for advantage, that is
a 13. There you go. He sort of relaxes and grabs
the drink, and he takes a big sip of it and puts
it down, and he goes, no, that's good. Oh, beat
it. Why are you still talking? Hey, how wide's
the bar? We're not at the bar. We're at a table
near the bar. Oh, gotcha, gotcha. Vane's standing
right there? Yeah. Cool. If I'm within arm's
distance, I'm going to hug a finger in his collar,
I'm going to pull him, and I'm going to punch
him in the throat. Do you let it happen? I mean...
I'll obviously resist, as any normal person would
if they were just assaulted. Yeah, yeah, but
the scene plays out, yeah? Yeah, yeah. So you
suck Bane in the throat. Be quicker with it next
time. I stand up, kind of brush a bit of dust
off my collar. She also takes a sip out of her
drink and sort of cocks her head and looks at
you and goes, This is weak as shit, too. You
water in your bottles down back there. Look,
I'll... I'll come back with a better thing. Stop
talking. How am I supposed to serve you? Fire
me. And then my fangs show up as I kind of loom
over the goblin. Vayne just wanted to be good
at his job. Just let me do my job. Okay. And
then I walk away in a huff. They'll just hire
anybody these days, won't they? Gruzak, give
me that ten gold for punching Vayne in the throat.
He would have put five on the table, and he said,
I'm pretty sure I said punch him in the face.
I think you're mistaken, but beggars can't be
choosers. I made five gold, and all I had to
do was physically assault Vayne. It's wins all
around. Good for you. Squints an eye at Vayne
as he goes back to the bar. Right. Finish your
drink and get out of here. That guy ruined my
night. And he gets off of the table and takes
his drink and goes into this door over here.
You see him walk across and go through that door.
He's got his purple pass. On the far east side
with the purple pass. Yes, ma 'am. Okay. Cool.
Kilo, throw back the rest of your drink. Salute
at Vayne from across the room. I rub my throat
a little bit. I'm going to walk over to Blink
and see if he'll let me in. Very good. You walk
over to Blink. This is still pre -anything, yeah?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, and you can
act like you're perusing the foods that are laid
out and stuff like that. Hey, cute miss. Hey,
hey, miss. Hi. I'm going to punch you in the
throat like I just did Vayne. Yeah, that looked
like it hurt. Yeah, it does. You want to find
out? We have news, miss. That's officer to you.
Officer, I don't know if you have... any thoughts
about bidding, but box 11 seems really interesting.
If I was anyone rich, I would bet on box 11.
And then I wink at her. Yeah, yeah. Premium shit.
Premium shit, Blink. Right. What's the ultimate
goal, Kila? I want to get back there. Where?
Okay. To the kitchen? It's going to be weird
if you're in the kitchen. All right. Then I will
just... Peaks past you, looks at the staff that's
dressed entirely different and changes their
mind. They're in all like chef whites. Shit.
Fucked up. I'm just going to walk back and reset
and wait until maybe these guys show up. Perfect.
And then I will make a choice from there. Okay,
so you sit out in the lobby. I want you to give
me a perception check. As you are sitting there,
you would have a very obscured view of... And
like, not view, but perception of what's going
on backstage. And because you were sitting here
listening this whole time as things are setting
up, you have a chance at clocking something.
Fair? Fair. Go ahead. I'm going to burn a point
of inspiration. Okay. Then I rolled the same
number. Okay. 13. With a 13, you hear some, not
commotion, but... things start to get situated
backstage. Blink, you can give me the same roll.
Vayne, you're too far, unfortunately. You said
perception, right? Yeah. 16. Okay. You hear the
same machine that you saw Gruzak with. There
might be a couple more of them. You never see
them, though. Okay. I have a question about the
general space that I'm in as I'm... looking around.
I imagine Opera House, there might be catwalks
and lights and things like that. Looking around
the room, can I see a way up or is that a backstage
situation? It's a backstage situation completely.
I assume there's like ropes or something for
curtains. Ropes and shit for curtains. Like a
normal cartoon set of a stage, you know? Or a
normal real life stage. I had nine to climb.
I wish I had a nine to climb. Twelve if you let
me use acrobatics. I might. Might not. I probably
will. Why not? Cool. You garner that information.
Where's your final position, Keela? Do you want
to give up the ghost? I'll say private security
is Gruzak period. That's what you pick up by
the noises of the other machines is unless it's
Gruzak security, it's going to be the security.
I'm going to go back around. I'm going to go
back around because I want to get to where I
can climb. Cool. So you got a free drink. I did
get a free drink. Yeah, you had to get out of
there. And you come back and you see that same
burly figure and he looks at you and he goes,
You again? Yeah, apparently I was mistaken. Happens
all the time. Honestly, I'm surprised you're
back in one piece. That guy's a bit of a prick.
Yeah, he's something else for sure. Nasty smoking
habit. That's the least vile thing about him.
Yeah, nasty attitude too, but I'm not going around
telling him that. That's for damn sure. He scans
the door and he hands you your key and he pulls
it back at the last second. He says, I'm going
to put you on the left wing near the curtain.
I want you to keep an eye on the guy who's watching
stage left. The real fluttery one. I saw him
when I was out there in the front. He's jittery
as shit. Yeah. Yeah, I've got it. No worries.
If he leaves his post, you let me know. Aye,
aye, Captain. And he hands you your red key.
Thank you. And you go past him. You walk in.
You go up the ramp. Door's still open behind
me? Yep. I go up the ramp. Cool. You let yourself
in through the door. You scope the same setting.
Your position is that D12, the number four. Great.
Great. Let's bring in our rich boys. Okay. Then
I will say that the sun... Sets, nighttime begins,
and guests start arriving. Gruzak is not out
there as he doesn't want to be the first one.
That's tech. Come on. Just assume that just because
I only have these dice out, these are like guards,
guards. There are going to be some staff lurking.
So at any point if you're backstage and you try
to steal something, change something, cause a
disturbance. It's going to kind of be in full
view unless you're doing it in a very subdued
way, right? Very cool. This room is now flooded
with highfalutin characters. People in tuxedos,
their nicest Sunday best, begin to gather. There's
everything from humans to elves. You see exactly
one dwarf in the crowd. Aside from that, mostly
humans. All incredibly rich. The exception, the
real eye -drawing person. Here today would be
the orange goblin and his mechanical follower
that is seemingly going to loom over him all
night long. It will be the middle of the hustle
and bustle. The events will start in about 10
minutes, and our B team can start rolling up.
Who shows up first? You are amongst a crowd.
It's not like a red carpet where people are stopping
you or anything like that. However, as you get
to the door, it looks like they are trying to
take a name. However... That's not the only thing
that's getting people in. Some people just have
large trunks of gold that they're wheeling in
and opening and displaying to the clerks. And
those are being eyed, inspected, and then let
through when the value is deemed enough. Earlier,
you would see pulling up Doug as a Rolls Royce.
Holy shit. The driver being a hair folk. Oh,
shit. Okay, you guys are together. Yeah, and
stepping out of the car like it is a red carpet,
the most handsomest man you've ever seen. I can
roll for handsome if you'd like. Yeah, why don't
you roll for handsome? I'm really scared now.
Maybe he does. How do you want to do a hotness
roll? It's on a scale from one to Jon Hamm. What
die is the Jon Hamm die? I guess we could do
a... Are we calling Nat 20s Jon Hamms now? Jon
Hamm. Jon Hamm. Jon Hamm. Yeah, yeah. I guess
a 20 would be a Jon Hamm. Okay. Please. All right.
No, not that one. You can roll it at advantage.
Doesn't this make you like a perfect human? Yes.
Isn't that like? Oh, it is already a perfect
human. Yeah. You don't have to roll, dude. That's
why I said it. Oh, shit. No, I'm Jon Hamm. Just
because I want to. Holy shit I mean I can't believe
that. Let's go. That's insane. We're all just
passing around a picture, a really attractive
picture. It's really sexy. I looked up Jon Hamm
hot. Oh, there we go. I mean, it's just all going
to be hot. Perfect. I'm glad we got to the bottom
of that. I can't believe you, Jon Hammond. I
wanted it so bad. And it happened. And it happened.
You blew it. No, you used your one for the night.
I know. And I don't care because it's the best.
It was worth it, yeah. It's the best D20 I've
ever rolled. All right. So, stepping out, you
see, movie star, thespian. Hot guy. Jon Hamm.
Did you say thespian? Thespian. Fuck me, dude.
Let's keep going. Let's keep going. I wish we
had more time so I could fucking roast you for
thespian. No, no. No, let's keep going. Please.
As he waves, light bulbs flash. Light bulbs flash.
Yeah, your picture's being taken like crazy.
Oh, my God. Look how handsome he is. Yeah, yeah.
Who is he? A nat 20 of handsome. He makes his
way up, but first he digs back into Doug's Royce
and pulls out a chest full of gold that, well,
unfortunately he has now. And he's like, oh,
this is quite heavy. Even for someone like...
Me. Jon Hamm. What's your strength, B .O .B.?
That doesn't change in this form, just so you
know. It's an eight. Okay. B .O .B., you thwomp
to the floor with this 10 ,000 gold you tried
to carry. You. You know. Come on. Avi is offensively
gesturing in a very belittling way. Yes, your
lordship. Right away, your lordship. Yes, sir,
lord, and ship. All those words you said together
are good for me, Jon Hamm, the human man. What
can I do for you? I need you to, you know, carry
this very lightweighted chest of gold. Yes, your
lordship. Anything for you. And I pick it up.
And I carry it. Very cool. You carry it up the
steps and you finally get to the clerk and he
goes, do you have a name for me? I do. It is
John. John Hamm. Okay. Well, Mr. Hamm, you're
not on my list here. I do apologize. Are you
certain? My name is John and Hamm. Yes, I'm certain.
This is a rather highfalutin establishment. We
can't let anyone in, so... From behind Jon, I
just crack open the chest. I point to you said
chest and say, I am Jon Hamm. Give me a persuasion
check at advantage, B .O .B. Come on. No. Did
you just Jon Hamm? Let's go! Fucking way, I just
Jon Hamm'd again. Jon Hamm! Jon Hamm! I don't
think B .O .B. exists anymore. I think I'm Jon
Hamm. Nat 20 plus 2. Because I'm cute. Okay.
He says, oh, clearly so. My mistake. And he lets
you in. I take his hand and I look him dead in
the eyes and say, it's okay. I understand. Because
I'm Jon Hamm. He nods in like pure admiration
at you and sort of lingers as you let go of his
hand. hovers his hand where it once was held
by you, and then realizes he's doing that and
pulls it back and says, Very good, sir, and turns
back to the line of guests that need to enter,
only to catch him looking at you one more time
before going back to work. I take one step, but
then do that real slow. I believe I have a purple
pass. Is that something that makes any sense
to anyone other than me? Oh, are you security?
Nope. Never mind. Because I just described that
this man was falling in love with you, he's not
going to be sus that you asked him that. So that
gets you and Chris in. Chris as your liaison.
Liaison. And you as Jon Hamm. I mean, with you
John Hamming at the rate you're John Hamming.
Seriously. You were out of the room, but Nat
Twenning is John Hamming. Yeah, yeah. I heard
the violent cheer from the bathroom. I had a
feeling that that was what happened. Good, very
good. I had to look up who John Hamming was.
And there was a cocktail hour. As you are in
this space, you are bumping elbows with a large
foyer of people, none of them whose names stick
out to you as anyone you'd remember. As you are...
moving through and getting to socialize with
all the other guests, you hear that auctions
are going to start in five minutes. As everything
starts, back of house, you hear showtime in five
minutes. We are going to pull our first set of
lots. Cool. The lots are going to go in whatever
order it is shuffled. In fact, I'm going to let
Audrey shuffle it. Keep them face down like this.
Don't let me catch you looking at the cards.
I'll take your inspiration. All right, hand it
back to me. Okay. I just have to do a little
bit of note -taking here. Plot twist. Lot 11
is the first one that gets brought out. Before
the actual auction starts, I do want to get all
those nobles drunk. I'm like massively over -serving
almost everyone. Because you are doing that,
any wisdom saves made by anyone in the crowd?
Any mental saves, charisma, intelligence, wisdom
saves will be made at a minus two. Oh, my God.
Do Chris and B .O .B. know that we switched the
lots? Not yet. Not yet. I was assuming they would
see me, right? They could have had the same opportunity
to talk to me. Do you want to RP that? I might
as well. Yeah. Cool. Okay. So let's say on your
same scene where you guys intro and you get in
led into the door, you're able to. hang out and
mingle with people. I would turn to Chris and
say, it looks like we need to go that way where
a Ruffles may be seen. Ruffles? Yes. It is me.
By the way, guys, I hate this job. This is terrible.
I'm going to lean in and be like, hey, it's me.
I don't know if you recognize me in this really
beautiful form. You are quite beautiful. Thank
you. I know. Okay, get a room, you two. And then
I lean back. That is a very good joke, person
that gives me drinks. Bartender. Bartender. Very
good. Thank you. Very good, Mr. M. Yeah. Give
him the finest drink that is the most expensive
because I have a lot of money. Chris is doing
this sign language for water. Like, really aggressively.
Knowing that B .O .B. would not know. And hoping
to God that Vayne does. Right. Mr. Ham. I will
get you right away. Thank you. And considering
you are such affluent nobles, or you are, Mr.
Ham, I heard Lot 11 is really... Pretty good
one. No, no. I think we're after. Mr. Ham, you
don't want to play all your cards at once. Keep
them close to the chest. Look, I heard great
things about lot number 11. No, I'm pretty sure
we're going up to any other lot. It could be
11. It could be anything else. Why not all of
them? Exactly. That's now locked in my brain.
Just remember. Eleven. That's all. Anyway. Do
you intervene or do you stay at your post? I'm
trying to get Chris's attention. I'm going to
grab one of those teeny weenies and some Ritz
with cheese on it. Okay. And I'm going to look
at Chris and just switch hands with them and
then flash the two ones again. And then I go,
oh. I understand what Blink is trying to tell
me, and as we're walking away from the bar, I
pull B .O .B. in close, and I go, B .O .B., do
you know about secrets? I know about secrets.
Of course I know about secrets. You like secrets,
right? I love secrets. What's the most important
part of a secret? You whisper. Yes, and you don't
tell anybody else. Yeah. Cool. So I have a secret
just between you and me. Between you and I. Really,
really crazy. Really crazy that that's the one
grammatical thing you know. But, do you remember
what lot we want today? 31. I have a secret.
It's not 31, it's 11. Why would you do that?
This is a moment where you can trust me, and
if it's not 11, you can have one of my feet as
a lucky rabbit's feet forever. I love feet. Yeah,
I bet you do. Oh, no. It's canon. It's canon
now. Come on. Keep it. Keep it. Coward. And rabbit's
feet are the best. I'm going to keep it. I might
not keep that. Because it's lucky. No, I get
it. I know. That's how much you can trust me.
We're going for 11 today. Spoilers. I've always
trusted you the most. You're going to make me
cry. I know. Let's go. Let's go. Okay. Wait.
but not 31. And the rest of them? Uh, if you
see something you like, cool, it's up to you.
Oh. But the non -negotiable is 11. 11. We need
that one. But we need 11. But if you find something
you like, go crazy. I will go crazy. Yeah, I
bet you will. I'm excited to see that. I'm so
excited to do this. Let's do it. I'm doing it
now, currently, as John M. Okay. Oh, no. Oh,
no. And me and B .O .B. are like punching each
other's chest. We're like, we have so much money.
With that, lots are going to start as a lot of
people take seats. All those dots are empty chairs,
but they start to get filled in. And I'll say
they're all full. You see the lights come down.
And as things start, you hear over a speaker.
The first three lots of the night will be lot
351 and 16. Do you want me to put dice for me
and B .O .B.? Yeah, yeah, go ahead. Some nice
visual aid of where you are, which would be near
the bar, unless you want to go sit down. This
is B .O .B., this is me. Chris has chosen seats
in the second to front row. I'm close to the
aisle. Very good. A few things will be noticed.
Hila, you see backstage a cart rounds the corner
with a... sword on it. It's an innocuous looking
long sword. It looks ancient. Old as shit. It's
just laying on the cart. Not in the box. Not
in the box. Okay. It rolls up to you. The guy
pushing the cart is a human of nondescript physique.
He looks like a very average guy. More like he
works for the venue than security. So he's not
wearing the same thing as me? No, it's more like
front of house. Okay. He smiles at you, nods,
and waits right there at the edge of the wing
to go out. Do you want to make me roll for it?
That's fine. I want to do a lap around this cart
like I'm doing last minute inspections to make
sure everything's copacetic, checking under the
cart. It's mostly like a flatbed, right? Okay,
okay. So you would have to lay flat on the ground
to look under it if you want. Yeah, I'll still
do it. I want to make it seem like I'm covering
all my bases, that I take my job very seriously,
that this is a checkpoint that you have to pass
before you make it out. Very cool. The guy looks
nervous as you look it all over, and he goes,
I promise I didn't mess with it or anything.
I believe you. Weird justification to make, though.
Right. I'm just nervous. Yeah. What's there to
be nervous about, darling? This sword is probably
worth more than I'll make in the next 10 years.
Better not fuck it up, then. I'm going to slap
him on the ass. Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa. Time out. Nope. Keeps going. He looks over
his shoulder at you, a little bewildered, as
he waits on the wings, and they bring the sword
out. The host, a man and a woman, stand on a
podium together, and the woman chimes up this
time, and she says, Welcome. The first item tonight.
That's right. We're getting straight to business,
ladies and gentlemen. No floor. It will be. What?
Nothing. What did you just say? Nothing. The
first item tonight will be what it has been described
through times and deciphered from Elvish as the
sword of answering. What does it do? No one knows.
John Hanways raises his hands. Would you like
to set a starting bid, sir? The starting bid
will be at 200 gold. Can I see any hands? Do
I want this, Chris? No, no. Are you sure? No,
it's a piece of sword. It's a piece of shit.
I promise. My uncle had one. It's like really
sarcastic. I have questions, Chris. Yeah, I can
answer the question. I'll start the bid. Fuck.
Okay. Oh, we have 200 gold. That's the man chimes
in from the gentleman. And there's more of that
where it came from. Let me roll a d20 to decide
if anyone tries to bid against you. Ten or less,
no. Come on. Someone bids against. And I nudge
B .O .B. and I say. And they go straight to 800
gold. And I say, B .O .B., I saw that same sword
in the shop down the street for 300 gold. Let's
just go get one later. It'll be cheaper. Yeah,
really? Yep. If we can do that, I'm good. Yep,
let's do that. I imagine he doesn't have to roll
deception checks against you. No. Didn't you
say you trust him implicitly earlier? The most
out of anyone. All right, we're moving on. This
item gets purchased by the other person. It's
a halfling who stands on his seat and raises
his paddle and ends up getting this for 800 gold.
Dang it, that's a steal. He says, make sure to,
if you're going for any more items, feel free
to stay in your seat. When you go around back,
you bring your lot numbers. And as long as you
are who you say you are, you can match your paddle.
And you have the money, you can walk away with
it. However, if you're ready now, they'll have
it in the back in a moment. Up next will be lot
number... Fuck, I don't remember. 51. You're
proving your earlier statement true there. That
sucks. This one. Kayla, you would see it first
as it's sitting in the wing now. It is laying
on a cushion. It is a ivory white bone mask in
the shape of an ox with weird trinkets dilapidated
hanging off of it. Very cool. And he says, It's
a shame, but... It appears lot 51 doesn't have
much of information about it. Just a decorative
ornate mask. Kila does another lap around the
cart the same way she did the first one. Not
exactly the same nervous response. Most people
keep their mouth shut as they were standing in
line and saw this first example that you set.
They continue the auction. We're going to start
this mask at 300 gold. And immediately a paddle
shoots up at the far bar. And you hear the woman
go, oh, okay, 300 gold, easy. Do we hear 400?
That thing's not very shiny, but I could put
it on my face. You could, but the human form
is only going to last so long. It's not going
to fit on your goblin face. I'm sorry, buddy.
Are you certain? Yeah, yeah. I'm very familiar
with the contours of your face. What if? What
if? I bid. Oh, so 400 gold over here. That's
right. Oh, wait. I'm sorry. I forgot the bid
mechanic. You have to roll a d6. That's right.
So it was set three. Three plus four. 700 gold
is what this will cost. The figure bidding against
you gets up out of their chair. It is a pretty
dainty looking woman with dark features and long
straight dark hair. And she is glaring at you
from across the bar. I smile charmingly with
a Jon Hamm smile. She raises her paddle. A thousand
gold. Hey, stop it! Oh, do I have maybe eleven
hundred? Chris, what do I do now? I'm scared.
It seems like you're not really listening to
me, but if you take it from her, she'll probably...
She'll probably want it. Buy it off us later,
so we should totally buy it. I think you're right.
Yeah. Jon Hamm bids another amount of money.
Okay, roll a d6. Holy shit. Wait, real quick
while he's rolling that. The people bringing
the items out, what do they look like? Front
of house, not like servers? What vein looks like,
yeah. Interesting, okay. Hi -ya! Another four?
Another four! So you go back and forth, and you
get it to 1 ,400. And don't bid again, or else
I'll have to keep bidding. She puts a paddle
up one more time, this time walking to the aisle
and staring you dead in the eye and saying, 3
,000 gold. Oh, no. He has this money, but...
He's going to bid that money. What? At another
400. 340. He did it. 3 ,400. Oh, do I hear 3
,400 gold? I'm going to punt this goblin across
the fucking ballroom. I did my best. She approaches
Chris at your aisle and looks past you at your
perfect human friend, Jon Hamm. Hi. And she spits
at the floor. Uh -oh. Looks you in the eye and
says, we'll talk soon. I certainly hope so. I
don't even want this thing. She stops. It's not
shiny. I don't know how to stop this. Then maybe
I can have it? I don't know what you mean. I'm
winning. Oh, very well. Unless you want to not
take the... Help, Chris. I am again scared. She
looks you in the eyes and goes, Chris. And I
go, I'm with you, really. We'll give it to you
later for 4 ,000. Call it even. See you in the
back. She spits on the floor again and stomps
away. I think you did a great job with her. Thanks.
Sold for 3 ,400 gold. And that's what's called
winning. Tis nothing to Mr. Ham. Ham has many
money. Don't you forget it. You can pick up your
lot number 51 in the back, good sir. Thank you.
Or, you know, stay to bet on more if you have
more money. We're definitely getting more, aren't
we, Mr. Ham? We're here all night. Don't you
forget it. I want my mask, though. Are, like,
people in... in sight line like i can't see keela
but i can see the other two you can't see keela
you can see blink and vein yep freely so i have
a question it's just watching backstage yep they
bring them out three at a time right there is
always four items always four items out so there
are always four people back there yep can i be
making molotov cocktails Sure. I mean, it is
a cocktail. You're going to have to give me some
kind of role to not be suspicious about like...
Don't be suspicious. Marrying the most flammable
things together just idly, you know? This is
so bad. This can happen later. It's obviously
like a different thing. This is so bad. Okay,
roll it. Okay. 27, a John Hand. All right. Fuck
me. Fuck me. No, he doesn't. No, he doesn't.
That's very good. You prepare some incredibly
flammable fire bombs set off to the side innocuously.
That's something happening. Time is going to
start passing, and when you need to slow down
time, that's when bidding really helps. He knows
what he's doing. He's squandering all our money.
These things are coming by. You tell me when
to stop. Ring of animal influence. Yeah. Dude.
Skip. A candle of invocation. I don't know what
that word means, so no. A magic carpet. Holy
shit. Yeah. Let's go. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Magic
carpet. The shutting the bid. We can't sing any
more of it. It is copyrighted. The shutting the
bid at 500. Give me that. Prince Fiobi. Why?
My only bid. 400. That's really it. It once exists.
It's the only number he knows. 400. Okay. I mean,
400. But it started at five. Someone would have
met that. So that's on top of the bid. 900. So
that's 900 gold. We'll take it. I'm sorry. The
dice decided that. 900 gold. Okay. I want to.
I guess you better work fast back there. Fuck
you. I hate you. Hila could be peeking out into
the crowd and know that B .O .B. is making these
bids. Oh, I'm sure I can hear him. Oh, absolutely.
I want to. Aside from the people that are bringing
the carts through, there is nobody else that
I am in the light of sight of in this whole wing
right here. Correct. Okay. I just want to move
further back a couple feet, so on the other side
of the curtain, and I want to checkpoint them
there before they hit the curtain. Okay, very
good. You're checking the second one. You see
a potion sitting on a cart and a ring sitting
on a cart. I'm going to wave it through, wave
it through. Are these carts numbered? Can I visually
see what lot they are? These carts, let's say,
are labeled. They are labeled? Perfect. I am
still going to ask them as they're coming up.
I'm going to let that one go through, and then
I'm going to move to the other side. And I'm
going to start checkpointing them and making
them tell me what lot numbers they are. Okay.
Even though it's labeled. The first guy says
it's lot 107. His story matches up. The next
guy you talk to says it's lot 400. His story
matches up. Wave it through. Very good. You are
still there right now. Back to the auction. Somebody
is going to meet you at 1 ,000. Do it. I really
want to fly. Me too. Please just be one. That's
cocked. Boy, was it looking at me with a four.
Two. Two. I'll take that. That's a lot better.
So you go to $1 ,200. Going once. Going twice.
Sold again to this handsome gentleman in the
second row. You've been hammed again. All hail
Mr. Jon Hamm. All ham the ham. How much money
we've spent so far? $3 ,400. Plus 12. The person
who you outbid is in vibrant, bright clothes.
mean mugs you and stomps out angrily and goes
out the front door. Farewell, purple man. I'm
sure that won't have repercussions later. Perfect.
Also, how much money do we have, Chris? As far
as I'm concerned, as much to buy every lot. I
know. And then I pull him close and I whisper,
because we haven't paid for these things yet.
You're right. and I don't know what relevance
that has you will I don't think I will 4 ,600
gold is how much B .O .B. has spent on two items
that are not the thing we're trying to get. How
much gold is still in our possession? That sounds
kind of high. I think that's bad math. How much?
10 ,000 minus 4 ,600. 5 ,400. 5 ,400 gold. We're
almost at half. I'm opening the chest and I'm
seeing there's 10 ,000 pieces still in here.
Got it all in there. Still in here. Oh, boy.
Oh, boy. The fact about Chris, he's really good
at counting. Oh, boy. That's a good math there.
And that's why you're my liaison. That's what
you pay me next to nothing for. That's the thing
about bunnies. They are good at multiplying.
Don't laugh at me. I ripped that joke right out
of Zootopia. I'm not that clever. Judy Hopps
is, though. Okay. My queen. Very good. They successfully
wheel that off. The potion goes by. Can I do
something? Yes, absolutely. I'm going to wait
until someone is coming back into the kitchen,
one of the servers. Okay. I'm going to be like,
hey. Can you cover me for a sec? I really have
to go to the bathroom. Give me a persuasion check.
It's fairly easy. DC 10. 11. Very good. I mean,
he kind of like looks you up and down. He's like,
yeah, sure. I can be you, I guess. You're amazing.
Okay. First day here. Where's the bathroom? The
third room, not a dressing room backstage. Can
you? Red badge, can you let me back through?
He's like, you should be able to get back there.
You might have to find someone else when you
actually get to the bathroom. Yep, yep, that's
fine. All right, he hands you a... No, he beeps
the door open and lets you through. He hands
it to me? No, he beeps the door open and lets
you through. Okay, you said third room back,
so, like, viewers can't really see, but... Okay.
Yep, it's near the dressing rooms. So I could
walk all the way back there from here? Yeah,
you might... Some people might bat an eye at
you. You walk through those doors, you see Keela.
Some of the chefs like kind of look at you, but
at the end of the day, if you're selling the
bathroom story. Cool. Cool. So I may get all
the way back there. And then who's watching the
doors to the dressing rooms? That would be Keela
and this guy. Oh, so are there two doors to the
dressing room or are they both watching it? Guard
is scoping out this area. Keela is watching.
I need a green card to get into the bathroom.
Probably. What about the dressing room? Yeah.
And what else is in this back room that I can
see? Vanities. Carts coming by. This back hallway
to the back door that you already know exists.
Right. Even that, like, bathroom, you would need
a key card. However, you see every one of these
people standing at a cart has a green pass. Where?
Like, just on their clothes? Or... Hanging on
their, like, lapel. There's even people close
enough that you can ask to open the door for
you. Green is, like, the lowest clearance. So
like the same way that guy didn't bat an eye
when you asked him over here, this guy probably
also won't bat an eye. How noticeable would it
be? I'm going to be looking at one of the carts,
making like a big scene out of it and just like
being like, oh, that looks so pretty. Wow. And
not be looking at where I'm going, but like spot
my guy that has one that kind of low hanging
fruit. And I go and I bump into him and try to
unclip it from him and like hide it. With the
cart being kind of near Kila. You walk up, give
that delivery, give me that sleight of hand check.
I see what you're going for. The person who can
see you, who would call you sus, is Kila. Perfect.
It's just this guy that you're trying to fool.
Can I take this moment to start asking this next
guy what his lot number is in an additional attempt
at distraction? Yeah. Cool. So you have advantage
here, Tim. Oh, well, 18 to begin with. Okay.
Very good. 18. And with an 18, you bump into
this guy. Kila, you grab his attention. You ask
him a question right as he gets bumped, and he
shakes his head as he tries to figure out what
to do. Mate, I asked you a question. He looks
at you quickly, scared, and he gives eyes like,
did you see what that asshole just did? I'm so
sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to. You grab
the card, and you turn to walk away. He goes,
oh, sorry, sorry, 11, 11. I leave the bar with
the Molotov cocktails. Fuck! How many? A dozen?
I'm going to look at him. I'm going to look at
the cart. I'm going to look back at him. There's
a large circular broken glass lens. Mate, this
isn't 11. What? Who loaded up these fucking carts?
This isn't lot 11. The head of security did.
What's lot 11 supposed to be? This is supposed
to be lot 31. I don't understand. Take it up
with him, not me. All right, fine, but... Am
I able to, in this time, try to slip through
one of the dressing rooms and change into one
of the front staff looking people? Absolutely.
That is going to be what you are afforded from
bidding. Oh, okay. Cool. But, Keela? Look, mate,
if this goes out on that stage under lot 11,
it's going to be a shit show. Have you met these
rich fucks? They're going to have a fucking conniption
over this. You need to take that cart, wheel
it back. I imagine it's probably gotten switched
or something, but we need to get this cleared
up because this is not a lot left. Did you roll
persuasion? No, but would you like me to? Yes,
I would. Absolutely. 19. With a 19, he turns
his cart and he says, I'll go ask. And he quickly
runs to the back with his cart to try and figure
out what's going on and disappears for a little
bit. Any calls? I'm going to go pound on that
dressing room door for the suspicious activity.
You go and pound on the dressing room. The next
item goes up for bid. Ring of water walking.
I can already walk on water. You already can,
ladies and gentlemen. All right, that passes.
Bye. There is a short pause. You see the hosts
look at each other kind of nervously in the first
awkward silence of the whole endeavor. And the
male goes, um, one moment. What's the holdup?
I'm not hungry, but wanting to spend money. Next
up is going to be Lot 11. Well, let's get to
it. They look a little nervous at each other.
And you see the guy at the third cart who's now
moved up, who's looking at you a little scared,
like, should I go out? What do I do? Go out there.
When they act confused, just tell them that someone
in security fucked up the carts. As you turn
to answer that question, you see the head of
security come through the back door here and
look down the hallway right at you. He has the
guy with the cart with Lot 11 on it right behind
him, and he points at you and gestures for you
to come to him and starts moving towards you
quickly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He stares you down
and he says, How do you know the lot numbers?
Did you not get to see the inventory list? No
one did. No! What are you pulling? Private security,
mate. Fucking story straight, come with me. And
he grabs you by your collar and starts leading
you to a back door. Do you resist? Not right
now, no. Okay. I just want to know if I see that
or not. You do. You are coming out of the back
room. You see the guy with the cart. As he grabs
Kayla's collar, he goes, go on, kid, you're up.
And the kid runs out with Lot 11 and is bringing
out a flat lens. And they say, next is Lot 11.
It's called a true silver mirror. It doesn't
look like true silver, but hey, I'm not an expert.
We'll start the bidding for this one at, oh,
only 200 gold. That's a steal for such a massive
item, really. And we want that. That's the one
that you keep telling me. We do, but, but. Let's
play a game. Let's see how cheap we can get it
for. Do we hear 200? Let's play a game. Yeah,
let's see if we can get it as cheap as possible.
Anyone? I don't want it. It's not. No, you do
want it. I do want it. For the smallest amount.
For a little amount. Yep. Understood. Yep. So
you can keep. Oh, we see 200 in the back. And
someone bids in the back silently. Oh, right
now? Yep, yep. Oh, yeah. I don't want it, but
sure. If I can get it for the least amount, I
have. We'll bid $200 on it. Perfect. In addition
to... Do you want more? So $400? $400. You say
$400. Nice, POB. Good job. From the corner of
the room, you hear, oh, $400. Can I maybe hear
$500? No. Silently, a paddle goes up. Dang it.
I fucked up. Someone else is going to get it.
We got to get it. That's right. You know what?
I like this thing. $300 is what I'm going to
bid in addition. To the money. Okay. He went
to five, so it's at 800. Yep. Do I have 900?
Silently, a paddle goes up. Is anyone looking?
I'm now thinking, I'm going to go get this guy.
There is a paddle that is raising above a cloud
of thick cigar smoke and a mechanical hand over
and over again. Can I start walking over there?
Sure, you can leave the bar and walk that way.
To Bruzek? Yeah, and I have a full tray of red
wine. Okay, it is at the far bar. I will go all
the way over there and be like, your drink, sir.
And then I spill them all over Gruzak as he's
trying to raise for the next. Nice. Another 300.
1 ,100. How exciting. That's right, Jon Hamm.
Ha ha. You walk over Vayne and successfully approach.
Oh, no. And you pour 10 glasses of red wine all
over Gruzak, who looks down at his dripping body
and looks up at you. Let me fix that for you.
No. I knock away his drink in the process, and
it also spills on me. Oh, no. One of the robots
begins to walk towards you. One of? He has two
flanking him currently. Yes. And it walks towards
you and begins to insert itself between you and
Gruzak. Gruzak says, get out of the way, you
idiots. I can't bid. That's right. And sticks
his paddle up to go to 1 ,200. Would you like
to bid higher? Chris, are you still with me?
Yeah. Oh, yeah. 100%. But I'm like looking over
there. Five. 1 ,600? Yes. No, no. 1 ,700. Yes.
Yep, 1 ,700. Oh, man. 1 ,700. I can do this all
day. Things are getting exciting. 1 ,800. Paddle
goes up from Grusak. At this point, B .O .B.
is going to look around and see who is bidding.
And he sees Grusak. Oh, yeah. Oh, no. I can't
be in the same. Wait. I'm John Hamm. This is
fine. 100. Bilby, what do you mean? You can't
what? So we're going to montage a little bit
of stuff here. Good news is this bidding is buying
a lot of time. Kilo, you are being dragged through
door purple on the far side. He would have said,
keep your head down and made you look at the
floor. If you stole a glance. Yeah. You see.
One more of those robot things sitting in the
corner of what looks to be a lounge area that
is uninhabited by people, but instead there is
an idle sentry of one of Gruzak's robotic guards.
And then you are being taken through door red.
Okay. Into this back office. That's exciting.
It is a back office that the furniture has been
taken out of, but there is a set of manacles
on the wall. A few sets of manacles set to the
wall. The guy... points to a set and says, lock
yourself in. Oh, at least buy me dinner first.
This isn't a joke. You're free once everything's
done. You're lucky you're not in jail. Do you
understand? No sense of humor, any of you. Yeah,
all right, fine. Is the door closed behind him?
Closes instantly, every time. Is this guy armed?
Yes. With what? A baton on his hip. Do you want
to do something now or you want to wait? I'm
going to do something now. Slice and shoot. Yeah.
Oh. And I have sneak attack because I'm within
five feet and there's nobody else within five
feet. You smuggled a pistol in too. That's cool.
I've got five of them, baby. I, oh, hmm. What?
When you told me you were in the given attire.
I think I can forgo a sword. I can't put them
under my little security coat that I buttoned
up. You know, like that scene in Pirates of the
Caribbean 3 at World's End. You're right. It's
fucking cool. Okay, you're right. It's fucking
cool. Go ahead. Thank you. Roll your attack.
You're welcome. Out of my hands. It's out of
my hands. Can't do it. You know, rule of cool.
Precedence. I rolled a natural one and a natural
20. Holy shit. 25 on the first sword swing. And
you're gritting, right? Yes. What's your dex?
Plus three. Plus three. So 12, 15, plus eight.
23. So 23 base. 23 base. Sounds pretty base to
me. And then I rolled a one plus seven. So that's
30 damage on the sword. Okay. My pistol crits
on a 19 and a 20. I'm going to burn a point of
inspiration. Come on. You got to do it. 22 to
hit. That will hit. That's 2d6 plus 3. You're
trying to kill this guy. You're trying to end
his life. That's a bad thing to do. Can I do
a non -lethal shot? I do 40 damage total to this
guy. In a moment, you transform a mountain of
a man into a mountain of meat. slit his throat,
and as he's gargling in sheer panic, reaching
for his weapon, you pull a pistol, and it meets
his jaw, and he goes, like I said, from man to
meat in an instant as that pistol explodes and
rips through his body. That's so fucking cool.
Does he have a purple pass on him? He does. Cool.
I'm gonna take that. Thank you. That was head
of security? That was head of security. They're
going to miss it. This may not be as good as
you guys think. You will be missed. I'm sorry.
Can I get a pull of the room? Who sees this as
a good thing real quick? Three people. This is
great. Hey, it happened in a room where nobody
can see it. the matter of the pistol shot, but
you know what? There's a lot of people here.
There's a lot going on. There's carts rolling
in and out. There's some mechs walking around.
Maybe there's music. So I'm going to narrate
something. You fired a pistol in a building.
I did. The door was closed? No. You said the
door was closed! No, it was. It doesn't matter.
This is the interrogation room, though. No one
will hear screaming. This is not an interrogation
room. This is a holding cell. Here's the deal.
You fired a gun. I did. You understood the risks.
Yeah. Because my sword didn't just kill him outright.
I understand why you did it. Yeah. Holy shit.
A shot rings out in the back. Anyone backstage
hears it easily. Fuck. Anyone in the front, including
you two in the front row, you hear something.
There is a murmur in the crowd as you watch the
host. I hear 2 ,100. It's 2 ,100 from the past.
They stop. They whip their heads around. It is
a second and a half before the female host slaps
the male and he whips back and he goes, Right,
right. Next up for sale is... Oh, right. I mean,
what were we at? We were at $3 ,100. No? $2 ,100.
$2 ,100 is where we're starting the bid for the
gentleman in the back. Let's keep moving, shall
we? We're still on the lens, right? Yep, we're
still on the lens. Remember, you're Jon Hamm.
Jon fucking Hamm. I am Jon Hamm. And I have a...
Unlimited money. Exactly. You're right. That's
nothing for someone like Jon Hamm. What'd you
get? I bid $500. $2 ,600. Gruzak moves it to
$27. Before you go again, anyone doing anything?
Yes. Kilo, what's your move? Blink said yes.
He can go first. Okay, Blink. Gives you more
time to think. Do I know what's out there is
number 11? Yes. They announced it. They said
lot 11. And it's the same item as I saw. You
didn't see an item, you moved crates. No, but
when I bumped into that guy, if I knew that that's
11, I know when he went back and he came out,
it's the same item. So wait, this is 31. Yes,
this is lot 31 swapped to lot 11. I tried to
get them to send it back to see if maybe I could...
go back and grab it and it just didn't work that
way for me and now a guy's dead it's there there
was a line in the last episode where the host
let slip that they might know something about
the lot numbers but it was clear that they shouldn't
know when when they take the carts off the stage
do they come out the same way or do they know
they're exiting this way oh and how many more
carts are coming there's always three backstage
always three the cart leaves with the item on
correct But I have purple clearance now. Yeah,
but this... I'm not going that way. What's on
the next cart going out? It's a potion. It's
a vial. Okay. I'm going to go up to the guy that's
next up in line. Did I ever get the big boss's
name? No. Okay. I'm going to go up to him. We're
wearing the same fit now. And I'm going to look
kind of like a little tired, exasperated. I'm
just going to be like... Hey Head of head of
security wanted to talk to you. He said I Don't
know something you did but he wanted me to take
this one out for you The guy looks at you give
me a persuasion check That's pretty good. That's
pretty good Let's go yeah, he's terrified he's
like yeah, yeah sure I'm I'll go Check. I'm not
messing with him today. He's pissed. Yeah, he
wanted to meet you out front or out back. Okay.
You now have this cart with a vial on it. Lot
82. My biggest thing, I wanted to get across
the stage. I'll tell you what. Your intuition
was correct because your job will now be to remove
the item from the stage. Wait. Oh. Oh. I'm taking
the last one up on stage. Yeah, you are. Yes,
sir. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. We're almost through
this. We're almost through this, guys. We're
almost through this. We just need to win it.
Let's run through all the bidding, and let's
see what this price gets to, yeah? He goes to
27. 400. So 31. 31. Gruzak is like, I'm sick
of this. Pick me up. And the machine lowers a
hand, and he skitters into it with his awkward
form, grabs his metal hand on to secure himself.
The robot lifts him a little bit higher, holds
up his paddle, and he says, I'm giving it my
all. 6 ,000 gold. Jon Hamm stands up and he says,
ha ha, that's cute. 6 ,900. Beautiful, beautiful.
And that's Jon Hamm for you, ladies and gentlemen.
You see Gruzak, his eyes narrow. He snarls. He
looks at his guards and you hear, going once,
going twice. He seems to be. Biting his tongue,
he grits his teeth and snaps his cigar in half
as it falls to the ground. And he says, let's
go. And the robot guards begin to walk out of
the room back towards this corner. As they're
on their way there, Kila, we will cut to you.
You come out of the room where you just massacred
a man. Yeah, before I come out of the room, I'm
dipping my hands in his blood and... smattering
all over myself. Shaking myself up to look disheveled
and panicked and real damsel in distress type
shit. I'm coming out that red door and I'm going
in that purple door to the side stage. Come in
the red door and as you step into that side room,
that robot sentry is about halfway through the
room and the door is opening and a man in a tuxedo
in normal security is running into the room.
They look at you as you are disheveled and covered
with blood. The robot seems disinterested, just
sort of acknowledging you're there. As the guy
goes, stop. Please, please, you have to help
me. I don't know what happened. He just grabbed
me and he pulled me back here. You have to help
me, please. He stops and he says, who, where?
I don't know. He's wearing a security uniform
and he's so big. Okay, this guy moves past you
towards the red. door. Can I run? And he beeps
it. Wait right here, ma 'am. One second. And
he opens the door and looks down at the pool
of blood immediately in the door and he stops
and he turns and he looks at you. Cheers, mate.
I'm running. Okay. You have a turn ahead of him.
Put yourself into the room. 30. So move six blocks.
Where's Blake? Where's Blake? Where's Blake?
He's about to go on stage. I just realized none
of that was in an accent, but it's fine. It's
actually better than it was. It was fine. Yeah,
yeah, yeah. The performance. The performance.
Everyone lock in. Yep. You panic. You run away.
As this is happening, blink. You have fulfilled
your role. You walked out onto the stage. You
swap this vial onto a pedestal and took this
large street, whatever, foot across lens, put
it onto your cart, and you are walking it across
stage. You get off stage right as security. is
moving to meet Kila. This guy right here. This
three -foot thing. So, correct. In fact, he looks
at you and he says, get that out the back door.
Yeah, of course. Okay, that's your objective.
You're running this thing out the back door.
I'm going to side -eye. She sort of waits you
on. Okay, I was going to help her. Frazzled,
sort of. Yeah, I'm going to push it out the back
door. Who's out there? You run out to the warehouse.
You find a bunch of people ferrying carts that
are getting ready to go through this door. All
the lots seem to be ready and lined up already
on a series of carts. You have eyes on you, but
no one of authority seems to be in the room.
It seems the person they were waiting for to
tell who to go next just died. How did that happen?
No one knows. Yeah, right? NPCs, when the next
part is just not happening, then we just stand
there. You are strolling out. I will say this,
Blink. You know with your speed that this is
kind of the home stretch to really set the vibe.
What's going on elsewhere? Kilo, you're about
to be attacked. A turn is about to pass. Does
anyone else who didn't pause this scene backstage
or take a turn yet want to do something? Yeah.
We did it. We did it. Yeah. You're so manly.
I know. We should go get it. We should go get
it right now. Yeah, let's go get it. Okay. Good
job. We're going to announce your exit. The Great
Jon Hamm will be taking a restroom break now
out the front doors. Okay. I wish to get my things,
my mask, my lens, and carpet. Fear not. The Great
Jon Hamm will be with you momentarily. Yes. And
we leave. You head out the front door to go around
the back to pick up your item. Blink, you are
heading down the ramp with the item on your person.
Vayne, you're sitting pretty with an arsenal
of Molotov cocktails behind you. I'm going to
the back, though. Cool, and you have a red key
card. You start making your way to the back with
a few of those Molotovs on your person. Let's
say you have three of them, unless you want to
look like you're carrying a bunch of Molotovs.
I definitely don't want to leave them there,
so I'll carry all of them. Imagine you have an
ice cart. Bar cart. You are moving to the back.
Everyone is free, except for Kila, who is kind
of locked in something right now. Kila, you have
a guard approaching you to enter in combat. He
says, stop. Please, no, you don't understand.
He grabbed me, and they're in there, and... Okay,
okay. What's going on? We have to sort this.
And the purple door opens, and you see the other
guard, and he says, Grab her! Shit! As the other
guy looks at you confused, and we're going to
roll initiative, initiative. Oh, no. Yeah, unless
you let me swing at him first. Or anything else.
Or there's a catwalk up above. Oh. You did want
to use the catwalk. Are there ladders around
me? There's one right there. The ladder's in
the corner right there. There's one right there.
One right there. Cool. We don't have to combat.
I'll still roll for it. I mean, I'm rolling either
way. Absolutely. They have a nine and a 15. Base
19 plus eight. You're going to go first? Yes,
I am. I could just leave out the door, but the
catwalk is just more fun. Looking at these catwalks
up above. Does it look like I could reasonably
have an escape route if I go up? Can I follow
it across? You will only have the best view of
all of possible routes when you climb up. Are
you committed to the climb? I'm a little committed
to the climb. Okay. You climb up this ladder.
It's easy. No check needed. Once you're in the
catwalk, you see that the catwalk extends out
into the warehouse behind. Great. How high up
am I? About 60 feet. 60 feet? Whoa. Yeah. This
is a very grand stage. Yeah. As you run across
the catwalk, you get about here to the far end
of the building. You look down and see that it
gives you access to the warehouse from here as
they round the corner just barely having gotten
up the ladder. They call out stop. And as you
look back to acknowledge them, you get a look
down behind this backstage behind those purple
doors. It's open on top and you see three hulking
mechs that are... three times the size of Doug,
sitting backstage, standing idly, but they, as
you shoot a glance at them, a purple light washes
over you for a second, and these machines work
life instantly and start standing up and shift
their attention towards you, and you hear security
breach. Well, that sounds like my cue. And we
will end there. Alright. Hi, guys. Thanks for
listening. I'm recording this at 1 a .m. on Technically
Monday, so you'll be hearing this soon. Thanks
to Chandler for our amazing theme song. Thank
you to Chris for our amazing art. Check us out
at Turntales Podcast on Instagram. Check us out
on Patreon. Bye. Okay.