Sorry, in my mind I just... Imagine that would
be like the, just like the, hi, welcome, we're
Turntails thing, like lenient. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Give it to me how you do it. Okay, how I would
do it. Yeah, no, do this one, do this one. If
I was the person that led in, I would do it like
this. A goblin, a pirate, a rabbit, a vampire,
and a genie walk into a bar. Hey everyone, we're
Turntails, a very D &D podcast by a very amateur
group of players. Rabbit is reductive. Rabbit
is pretty reductive. Well, be more than a rabbit,
I don't know. Yeah, hi, welcome to this. I'm
Avi Santana. I play B .O .B. What do you call
Blink in that intro? A genie. Again, it's simplification.
Yeah, yeah. The simplification of everything.
I mean, you've got kind of genie vibes, right?
With the floaty hair and shit like that. I'm
cool with it. Yeah. And then rabbit is just funny
to me. If you're cool with it, bunny is worse.
Bunny. Oh, bunny's so good. I like bunny better.
Are we doing a question of the week too? Or is
it? Absolutely. Yeah. Oh yeah. Head us with that.
Oh yeah. Yeah. Okay. We like question of the
session. Yeah. Our sesh quesh. Sesh quesh is
really funny. Yay. I really like sesh quesh.
We need like a little audio. It's time for the
sesh quesh. Sesh quesh. I am so glad that we
have the recording of finding that organically.
Yes. Because I would not let us run into episode
two with like, what's up? It's time for the sesh
quesh. Sesh quesh. And like not. explain ourselves
because that's fucked up okay so the sesh quest
quest the question of the sesh perfect leave
it this is it oh yeah this is my life sorry sorry
no more references the rest of the podcast that's
my money back guarantee There's going to be five
more. Patreon listeners, if you hear any Borat
quotes, that's $5 back to you. For only $9, you
can get more Borat quotes. This is the abridged
version, and the only abridged is we've removed
the Borat quotes. If you want the Borat quotes,
you've got to get behind the paywall. The question
of the sesh today, tonight, is going to be, what
is your character's favorite gift? that they've
ever received in their lifetime. That's so deep
right out of the gate. I know. I thought of it
all by myself. Oh, show. Got him. And I'll start
since I'm the one that's talking primarily right
this second. B .O .B.'s favorite gift that he's
ever received is going to be a pair of socks.
What do the socks look like? Hey, buddy. Dobby.
Hey, you're doing Dobby. No, no, no, no. It's
a pair. Master has given B .O .B. Shut up! Do
they only give B .O .B. one sock? Any Harry Potter
reference I want gone from this. Okay, we can
nix that. Harry Potter and Borat references.
I'm a certified J .K. Rowling hater and I don't
want any of her shit on me. Super trash. That's
why we're taking it back. No. B .O .B. is the
nonsense. Come read my new book, Perry Hodder.
It's not a smut version. It's a hotter version.
It's actually just the same book, but I wrote
it, so it's less problematic. Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, I love that. See, and that's why B .O .B.'s
favorite gift was socks. Fuck you. Who's next?
Fuck you. Nice. So deep. Harrison? Yeah. Okay,
so I introduce myself, then answer the question.
I have it as name, character, favorite gift.
Yeah. All right. I'm Garrison. I'm playing Vayne,
the Hexblade Vampir Warlock, escapee from the
underground empire of the vampires. And he's
going to answer this question to the best of
his ability. Poor guy. What has Vayne received
in his life? Trauma. No. I struggle to think
of a single gift that I have received, save perhaps
this. Immortal life itself. Whoa. But that's
more of a curse. I don't even know. Nothing good.
He's not gotten anything good. I was so enamored
with the voice and I blanked because I was thinking
about how I didn't want Avi going, you know,
but it was fine. That's the power of the vain
voice, dude. You just start doing it and people
just start listening. Can I just say anything
here? Improv, yeah. I'll tell you no if it's
fucked. Okay. Or Potts will tell you now if it's
Harry Potter related. He got a wand. It's because
I care about trans people all the time. I do
too. That's why we're taking it back. Can you
come back to me for the gift? Because I need
to think about that. As of right now, nothing.
I feel like that's an acceptable answer. Yeah,
I liked your answer actually. Never been given
a gift. Nothing is so perfectly edgy a thing
and I love it. So, yeah. I don't think you've
been given a gift. Unless I could say some kind
of metaphorical thing like, oh, I've been given
the will to live my own life or something like
that. Vayne's missing a lot of memory, so it
would make sense that he doesn't really have
an answer for this question. I don't think you've
been... Do you count the clothing that the vampire
lord gave you? Because if you do, then that's
the gift you've been given, probably. The sword
the lieutenant gave you as an excuse to beat
the shit out of you, and then you ended up being
able to use it? That was technically... I will
admit, the sword is pretty sick. There you go.
I will leave it with that, yeah, yeah. Got the
nothing. Except for the sick -ass sword. Cut
that out. I'm marking that. By the way, it's
made of blood. It's pretty cool. Alright, let's
move on. I lick it sometimes like a salt lamp.
What? Salty? Is your butt salty, Tim? No, no,
no. Like, you ever have a salt lamp that you
just can't help but like them? You're telling
me you guys have never licked a salt lamp? Yeah,
I've licked a Himalayan salt lamp. The pink ones?
That's hilarious. Tim, is this a bad time to
say that I've licked your salt lamp? You're saying
that every night I rub my nuts on your salt lamp.
Your salt lamp is so salty. Your salt lamp is
so good. let's move on let's move on hi i'm adi
and i play captain keela sharp uh swashbuckler
rogue druid bastardization and uh you got it
uh trying to think of something about her that
doesn't suck um Favorite gift that she's ever
gotten. Just bypasses it. It's hard to pick.
There's been so many. Right after Vayne is brutal.
It's never going to be fair. You guys are all
pretty talented. any one of you could pop off
on one of these questions. I meant how he got
nothing and she's like, oh, I had so many. That
is so hard to choose from. I think it is her
captain's hat. I think it is one of Lindsay's
and she was gifted it when she was little probably
to play dress up with and she's just worn it
ever since. Is she still playing dress up? No.
She's a very talented pirate. I'm sorry. She
wouldn't tell you if she was. Anyway, I forgot
to mention, we did a session recap outside that
got all of the players some points of inspiration.
That lets them re -roll a roll at some point.
They have two of those, but because you're answering
the questions of the day and I like them, Garrison,
Audrey, you both now have three total. Avi, your
answer was bad. I'm sorry. Unless you have a
good reason why the sock is your favorite. Okay.
All right. You know, the socks. What do they
look like? In session, you have a magic amulet.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, I mean, that's cool. Socks. Socks.
No, it's plural. It's plural. That's the difference
between you and this franchise and another franchise
we won't discuss. Anyways, those socks are a
gift from... Okay, you hold that. God damn it.
Tim. Add your chance. Hi, I'm Tim Swanson. I
play Blink, the Genasi monk who's just a small
boy in a bigger world who's really good at drawing
pictures. His favorite gift that he was ever
given was his quarterstaff. When he was training
back when in his youth, after he mastered it,
his favorite mentor had hand carved him the one
he currently uses. In his youth. So like three
weeks ago. He's like 20 something. He's a grown
man. Oh, that's right. He just comes off. I keep
forgetting. Um, inspiration. Good stuff. Yes,
you may have it. Nice. Hi, my name is Kyle. I
play Christoph Wix's, the Heron Gun Ranger. And
the best gift I ever got was from this old lady
whose husband was cheating on her. And so I killed
him for her. And she made me this carrot stew.
Oh, fuck. It's the best thing I've ever eaten.
Wow. That's educational. Chris, huh? Yeah. And
I've been chasing that high ever since, man.
The killing or the stew? The stew. Oh, okay.
Yeah. You didn't go back to her? Or is it like
a kill per stew and you don't want to do that?
I didn't want to hang around. I just like carrot
stew. Is that a problem? What's the issue, Garrison?
You don't like carrots? I love carrots. They're
so good. Garrison, you're exiling a whole demographic
of people. I'm sorry. Yeah, we'd hate if rabbits
didn't listen to her. Good. My turn? Yeah. You
can have that point of inspiration. Let's go.
Because it was so educational. Wow. Hi, I am
Sean Major and I am many other characters, but
Dungeon Master in this game we are playing. And
my favorite gift I ever got was a gumball machine
from my dad when I was 12. It's a tiny one. It's
about this big. It held like, you know, a couple
hundred or something gumballs. No, no idea why
my dad got me that. I didn't like gum. It was
like the sensation of it was like repulsive to
me. I didn't like that. I couldn't swallow it.
It was my big birthday gift. I opened this gumball
machine and my dad's like, eh? And I'm like,
okay. And my mom hit him with a pretty big I
told you so that year. That won't top the Sasuke
Uchiha shirt that my dad got my like adult brother
thinking he'd be really into it. Hayden was like
22 and my dad bought him a Sasuke Uchiha shirt.
Oh, that's so funny. Although Hayden didn't like
it. Yeah. No. How? But the good news is a few
years later, he got him like the three wolves
howling at the moon. And that was a smash hit.
I've seen Hayden wear that shirt. My dad's evolving.
He's getting good. I have like 45 badge shirts
from him. Yeah. But like six fucking golden ones.
Yeah, absolutely. Are you guys ready to get your
asses beat by some guards? They can sure do that.
I'm just going to run. I haven't done anything
wrong yet. So you are running down the alleyway.
We rolled for initiative. And Vayne, what did
you get? I got a 22. Okay. Chris? 13 plus 3,
16. Blink. I got a 12. Keela? A 10. Okay. B .O
.B.? I got an 18 plus 2, a dirty 20. Okay. And
I rolled a 12 for the guard. So that means that
it is going to be vain. You move first. You got
a nat 20, 22. Go ahead. You are down the way.
You know, these guards are they shouted that
there is a metal monster attacking the city.
A killing machine, I think, is what they said.
You started heading that way in the commotion,
but you are in a alleyway just outside the building
right now. I don't know if you can get there
in a turn or not. What do you think? Oh, what
do I see in front of me? You see two guards standing
at the end of the alleyway, drawing their swords
and preparing their shields like they are about
to engage in combat with something around the
corner. You have two guards at the end of the
alleyway and one on a horseback across near the
dock. That's all you can see from where you're
at. I'm going to just stay where I am, take the
dodge action, but also keep an eye out for the
metal monster, supposedly it's called. Perfect.
Next will be... B .O .B., you just busted out
of the jailhouse riding on Doug's shoulder and
you began rolling through town. Not with any
ill intent. I think you were sincerely just vibing
your way through town. Vibing your way downtown.
In their minds. Thank you, Avi. Thanks. In their
minds, you are an escaped prisoner. They are
yelling in fear. The town is scrambling. People
are hiding inside while the guards are starting
to call for reinforcements. You see. Five guards
squaring up in front of you. Great. I'm going
to, you know, just head on towards them. Not
really breaking my stride. I'm just going to
move in the direction of them. One of them yells
out, stop metal beast or be slain. The one on
horseback calls out. That's not my name. As I
keep going. Goblin, halt as the ones with shields
sort of brace themselves and look like they're
trying to block your path. I reply back. It's
Goblin B .O .B. Not halt. Okay. Anything else
on your turn? No. Cool. I moved five, ten. Yeah.
Your whole full movement? Perfect. You moved
your full movement into the middle of the circle.
Next is going to be Chris. So you now see a giant
metal mech. Do you want to describe that mech,
Avi? Yeah, absolutely. So you see a mech that
stands about seven foot four. It's got a big
barrel shaped body. These large gauntlets that
are almost. I don't know. He's got these big
gauntlets sparking off little bits of electricity.
Then you get to his head. It's just almost like
a knight's helmet. A bit of a visor that if you
look very closely, there's eyes behind this visor.
And then just a little bit of a point at the
end. Maybe where a drill bit once was. Nice.
That's very good. Cool. That's very good. So,
yeah, you see that giant monster with a goblin
on its shoulder. Are you inside of it? Oh, I.
I feel like once B .O .B. hopped on the shoulder
and was like, oh, yeah. And then just kind of
opened the door. You hear a clink, clink, clink.
Where's the door on the monster? Wouldn't you
like to know? Okay, that can be an answer. I
love the idea that if it's a camera, B .O .B.
just crawls to the other side and he's inside
of it. We never see any kind of seal or hatch.
Yeah, they didn't figure it out during after
post. It's just he's there and then he's not.
At some point, the group circles the monster
to be like, we're going to see this shit. Yeah,
he gets in there. Why'd you say it like that?
Wink. No, okay, thank you. Moving on. Is that
your turn? Oh, no, it's Chris's turn. Yes, that's
Chris's turn. Well, if I see that thing, I'm
going to notice that it looks like the thing
in the picture. And I'm right next to Blink.
So I whip out the picture real quick and I show
Blink and I'm like pointing, like can't even
speak. Kind of like, look, look, look. So you
point at the picture, point at the robot, point
at the picture, point at the robot. Yeah, like
that. Oh my God, it's him. Who? The last one.
But why? I told you we'd all be together. So
confused. I'm sorry, you're telling me that thing's
supposed to be coming with us. Oh yeah, he's
definitely one of us. All right, well, if he's
got to come with us, I think those guards have
different plans. We could always ask nicely.
She starts loading her pistol. Yeah, I say fuck
that. Tamping it down. Fuck asking nicely. There
we go. That's going to be a 20. That will hit.
Go ahead and roll your damage. Is four. Plus
your dex. Eight. Okay. You run forward 15 feet,
knock an arrow. draw your bow back and just let
it go. Yeah, we're going to go calf because I
don't want to kill this guy. Gotcha. I don't
want to commit any war crimes. And you do eight
damage. His leg buckles and he goes, and he flips
back and he looks at you and he goes, what are
you doing? I just give a shrug like, Harry. Anything
else? From like 20 feet away. There's a whole
thing with a picture. You're like trying to explain
it. Yeah. He's in the picture. See? That's pretty
good. I'd be so pissed. He looks incredibly wounded
as he starts spilling a lot of blood from his
calf. Up next is going to be Blink. You just
watch Chris run up and shoot one in the back
of the leg. Yeah, I see Kila also loading up
a gun. And as concerned as I am after I see Chris
run up into battle, he's just going to also shrug
and run forward. Like, I'm with you, Chris. Oh,
great. And then I am going to... And I'm going
to yell, don't kill him! I'll try. And I'm going
to go ahead and use a focus point for two unarmed
attacks. Flurry of blows is what that's called?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. First one is a... We can't
hear you, Tim. It's going to be 23 for the first
hit. That will hit. And then 10 for the second
hit. 10 will not hit. Okay. Seven damage. Okay.
You whack him. I punch him. Is it the guy on
the ground or the other one? The one that just
got shot. Oh, okay. You run up and you palm strike
him on the top of his head and your second one
misses because he flops to the floor unconscious.
Cool. Whereas your palm goes out to where his
head used to be. That guard is down. You can
go ahead and pull his die. But another guard
looks at you and he goes, what the? at the giant
metal monster and next it will be the guards
turn actually before the guards i wanted to say
something to you garrison you if you want because
you just said you were taking the dodge action
if you wanted to just have delayed your turn
and move to initiative now and take your turn
before the guards i'd allow that too that's kind
of what i wanted to do cool so no action taken
you instead are moving your initiative this is
going to be your new space and initiative permanently
cool yeah great yeah that works so your held
uh initiative is now going to kick in sounds
good perfect go ahead i see everyone fighting
i'm like i don't i see i look at the the the
metal monster and i'm like doesn't look like
much of a monster to me I've seen much worse.
I walk forward with my sword. Well, this is going
to be a fight. And I'll try to draw blood from
one of the guards. The other guard standing in
the hallway here. Can you get close enough to
do that? Do you have enough movement? Are you
10 feet away? Yeah, I'm now 10 feet away. You
can do 10 feet. Cool. So that's going to be a
con saving throw from the guard. Correct. It's
going to be my spell save DC, which is 15. I
am going to roll. You are using this on the guard.
What kind of save is it? He rolled a seven. Awesome,
he'll take 2d6 piercing damage. Oh yeah, so that
is going to be an eight total. 2d6? He'll take
six piercing damage. Okay, so you use your hilt
and cast it towards him. It sticks into his leg
and then immediately rips out back into your
hand. You have this long stream of like... sanguine
liquid that is stuck in this perfect flow where
it looks like the liquid isn't even moving. And
as you rip it out of him on a failed save, you
get this 10 foot long sword that has, it's probably
not quite 10 feet, but you have 10 foot reach
with it. And that is now your weapon. And the
guard is looking worse for wear as he also collapsed
a little to the ground. Ooh, sorry, I had to
use you. And then... I should have kept that
in my pocket. What was I doing giving it back
to him? Your loss. You won't catch me doing that
again. Anything else? I guess that was a bonus
action, so I can still try to... Attack him,
yeah? I don't know if I want to attack. Yeah,
why not? Everyone else is attacking. If you want
to use your action, you could ready an action
to hit him if he gets, if he retaliates, if you
want, or you can just hit him and knock him out.
That's totally fine. Whatever you want to do.
I'll knock him out with like the base end. Great.
Perfect. 18. That hits. And it's going to be
10 damage. Okay. You easily. Hit him on the top
of his head and his helmet rings and spins in
a circle and he drops down onto the ground unconscious
with his friend. They're kind of snuggling a
little bit as cute as hell. I hope I was supposed
to do that. It is now the guard's turn. You see
the one on the horse go, Oh my God! This sound
is getting taken over by vigilantes! And he lets
out this loud whistle and you... see him begin
to charge at B .O .B. with a morning star in
his hand. And he is going to take a swing as
he rides by on his horse. Guys, I'm going to
die. Does a 16 hit you? Guys, I'm okay. Oh, he
doesn't hate you? Okay. He rides past you on
a horse and he swings his Morningstar and it
impacts the side of Doug and it just reverberates
and rings like he hit a shipping container. And
you see him a little shaken as he rides past
you in circles to stay in front. He doesn't want
to provoke an attack of opportunity, so he's
going to be locked right in front of you. What
was confidence as he rode up sort of turns to
fear and you see the two guards begin to sprint
up as well that are on foot to join the man on
horseback. They are both going to take swings
at you as well. Guys. I'm going to die. No, you're
not. None of them made it higher than the first
guy. So they all just start whacking you with
their shitty iron weapons that are just bouncing
off of this giant mech's body as you stand there
and take whack. Not whack after whack, because
technically they only get one attack each, but
three hits just bounce off the plating of this
monster as you stand in front of them. I think
the two guards on foot are going to make wisdom
saves. 17. And two. So the smart one who succeeded
on his wisdom save is going to turn and start
to run. Are you going to take an opportunity
attack? No, I don't know what they're doing.
Great. He begins to run away in fear. The smart
one does? The smart one does. He's the one who
made his wisdom save, yes. Good for him. And
that is the end of the guard's turn. It is going
to be you, Kila. Woohoo. Let's go. Okay. I'm
going to cunning action dash. Okay. So I can.
Get up there. And now that I'm there, because
B .O .B.'s within five feet, I can sneak attack,
right? You know, there is an ambiguous question
of are you guys allies right now? But yes. Yes.
Because he's in the drawing. He's in the drawing,
so you have to be friends. That's confirmed.
Good argument. We're not trying to hit him. So
Kila is going to close that distance. She's going
to run up and she's going to try and bring her
sword across the back of his knees. Whoa. 13
to hit? 13 just hits. Because it's Seek Attack,
I get to add a bonus D6. So that's eight damage.
Wow, you guys are really leg -centric here, right?
We're not trying to decapitate anybody. I guess
you missed the memo. It's leg day. God damn it,
I hate that. I missed it. That really just stunned
me. Give me a second. You run up, close the distance
incredibly quickly, slash this guy in the back.
He also collapses a little bit, steadying himself.
And he turns and looks at you and goes, She winks
at him. Seriously? Look! And he gestures at the
giant monster in front of him. You wink at him?
Yeah. He screams even louder as he doesn't know
how to feel. End of your turn? Yeah, end of my
turn. Very good. POB. Oh, yeah. Okay. You have
a horse guy with a mace and a shield. who's tried
to whack you and then you have a guy uh screaming
yeah turning away from you facing the pirate
that just slashed him in the back of the legs
yeah i would also you see a pirate and a bunny
and a monk and a vampire this is the best day
of my life um okay turning to the one who is
um playing uh the gongs on me i'm gonna say hi
i'm what's your name from inside the mech so
it's gonna sound more like a I'm Gobi. What's
your name? You blasted monster! As he rears up
his weapon to maybe take another swing. Ah, that's
an interesting name. That's going to end my turn.
Okay, cool. Perfect. Chris? Okay, I'm going to
try to persuade these guys to leave so that we
can leave. So I'm going to look at them and I'm
going to go, it's time for you guys to go now
or you will end up like these guys. Let me ask
you something. Do you want to roll intimidation
or persuasion? I feel like that's a very intimidating
statement. Like, if you don't want to end up
like these guys. Yeah, I guess I'll draw the
bow, too. If you want to use your combat stat
for intimidation, so dex, that's allowed. Okay.
Because you are threatening violence, not just
words. Yeah, we'll do that. We'll do that. Also,
I'm probably going to pull the arrow out of the
guy's leg and draw that arrow. Okay, perfect.
There you go. That's actually really cool. Come
on! There we go. 21. The... guy down on the ground
looks at the other guy who's still just a dot
in the horizon forrest gump running away from
the situation one piece like yeah dude seriously
very minimal animation and the Guy on horseback
jumps off of his horse and books it the other
direction. And the guy on the ground starts to
put his hands up and slide himself backwards
across the dirt ground towards the dock. And
he goes, OK, OK, I yield. But technically, before
they yield, Blink and Vayne, you both get a turn.
So finish them. If anyone would do anything cool,
if not, they'll yield. Blink will probably go
up to the machine, seeing them kind of wandering
off. Wow. Hi, B .O .B. I'm Blink. Hi. You have
a scary voice. Oh, yeah. I forgot about that.
Instead of his normal voice. I will leave it
up to you to jump between if the camera is looking
in the machine so we hear B .O .B. or if the
camera is in my side. Like Power Rangers style?
Did the guy who jumped off his horse. Did he
just leave his horse? It's just chill in there,
yeah. The horse is just chill. It's a chill horse.
That's a bad person. Yeah, probably. I'm going
to go beat that guy up. Oh, boy. Okay. It's not
my turn, but yeah. Yeah, let me see. The only
thing that would stop you would be if Kila, Blink,
or Vayne wanted to do anything right here. He
wants to stay in pursuit. So if anyone else is
doing anything in initiative. Cool. If not, I'm
going to let him start his pursuit. I would just
be holding up the pictures. Okay. You're just
holding up the cool stuff, but something changes
in B .O .B. for a moment as he judges the man
that leaves the horse behind is kind of the vibe
I'm getting. I don't know. It's hard judging.
I'm like, so that's your friend, bud. Do we hear
the big robot go? That's a bad person. Oh, my
God. Oh, my God. Okay. Absolutely. As you begin
to chase this guard down the street, you are
the same speed. If you are taking dash actions,
I think you two could both run forever. Do you
have any gap closers? My speed versus his speed,
that's not going to add up, so I have to do something
to close the gap. And it's just going to be like,
again, back to Iron Man, just the guy running
away, just like... And then the magic missile
is just going to lock on. Perfect. What's the
magic missile damage? You know. 3d4 plus 1? Plus
3. Plus 3, because each missile is plus 1. Yes.
There's a very real world you kill this guy.
If you don't roll poorly. Oh, boy. And how do
I wish I do? You roll good. Yeah, I guess. OK.
OK, so that's going to be a four, six, seven,
eight, nine, ten. He is sprinting away from you
and those all just into his back as he collapses
to the ground and lays flat. That's so metal.
The only other person. I'm going to roll two
more death saves unless Chris, I'll give you
a chance. When you pulled the arrow out of the
guy's leg, he was just unconscious, but he's
going to start bleeding. Do you want to stop
that or just let him bleed? Yeah. Yeah. I better
stop it. Give me a medicine check. All right.
I don't have anything. Nine. Okay, cool. But
I mean, tie a bandage. How hard can it be? After
I... My friend who's running away, I would walk
over to him and then kind of just check and see
what his condition is, if he's still breathing,
if he's alive. Gotcha. What do you want to do?
I'm just going to say, wow, mortals really are
weak. It's true what they said. I'm going to
start looting the bodies. Oh, you beat me to
it. Nice. Sorry. It's fine. You can also loot
the bodies. I don't need your charity. Well...
We each take a body? There's two. The guy who
you take the time to bandage, despite not being
your best bandage job, eventually you see his,
like, shuttered breathing stabilize, and he's
fine. B .O .B., you walk up to the guy to inspect
his condition. Yes. And I will say he's making
death saves, and he failed the first one. Okay,
great. I will attempt to bring it back. Medicine
check? Yeah. Is medicine a wisdom? Oh. Fuck.
All good. Since when? I don't think B .O .B.
is trained in any kind of medicine. What'd you
roll? Okay, so that's an 18 minus two. 16. That
is very good. So essentially, he would just put
down his thunder gauntlet and hit him with the
old... Yeah, yeah. I was literally thinking that.
I was literally thinking that. Yes. I'm going
to fib him. Yeah. And yeah, see what happens.
Just see if it shocks him back to life. Yeah,
he... And his eyes are open for a second and
they're like fluttering quickly as he's got a
few seconds of consciousness. And he looks up
at this big metal monster and he goes, Oh, where
did you come from? Oh, yeah. I'm mad at you.
He collapses. I feel him again. He's going to
make a death save. He got a natural one. He dies.
Oh, my. Gosh. Well, since you fell asleep, I
guess I'll just... You don't... You don't...
You don't leave your friends and your horses
and... That's all right. You fell asleep. I tapped
him on the shoulder with like a long nail. Ding,
ding, ding. Hold on. I'm doing something. Another
thing. If you wanted to... Ah, never mind. You
sleep. Hello. Right. Yeah. No, he's asleep. I
wasn't going to say anything. What do you mean
he's asleep? That guy's dead as shit. No, he's...
He's asleep, guys. Hey, I'm telling you, that
guy's fucking dead. No, no, no. Wake him up.
Wake him up then, B .O .B. I'm trying to. He's
really tired. Everyone roll me a perception check.
If you have a ridiculous passive perception,
tell me what it is now. Ridiculous would be 16
or higher. I got a 19 on mine. Great. I also
got a 19. What is a proficiency? Proficiency
means you add your proficiency bonus. Proficiency
bonus. Okay. I got 19 then. Whoa. Yeah, three
19s. Three 19s. All of those 19s. Mine is negligible.
Your ears sort of perk up as you hear the sound
of metal plates clacking together as you hear
the stomping of more guards advancing this direction.
And it sounds like there's about 20 to 25 of
them. Hey, B .O .B., have you seen maybe like
a little small... Goblin with around? Because
we need him to join us along with you. You see
as the giant mech man, he's going to scratch
at his chin and say, a little goblin, you say.
Have I seen one? Yeah, if you haven't, would
you just let us know? We're kind of in our, we've
got places to be. I've got things to do. So if
you know something great, let us know. If you
don't, also let us know so we could be done with
this. In this town? no not one one that might
look like this and i hold up the drawing i made
i look at the drawing i'm like what's the drawing
you made look like just run that by me so so
chris had taken the original drawing that i was
given so but blink had spent the whole morning
drawing every single one of the people alongside
him and this one shows a little smiling cartoony
goblin sitting on top of the mech poorly drawn
with blink about A size and a half bigger than
the mech with big muscles flexing. This looks
kind of familiar, but is that supposed to be
you? As I point to the big muscles flexing? Yeah.
Oh, everything looks right except for that. Oh,
maybe one day. Oh, I get it. No, I can't say
I've seen any goblins, though, other than myself.
I deadpan look at the giant metal machine. Huh.
Why? Because you're made out of metal. No, I'm
not. I'm made out of goblin. She knocks on the
side of your... Oh, Doug is made out of metal.
Who the fuck is Doug? That's Doug. Chris, you
remember that underneath the big metal machine,
it said Doug. I see what's happening. I see what's
happening. Doug? Am I speaking to Doug? No! No!
Do the scary voice, though. No, you're talking
to B .O .B. Oh, my God. It ate him. Okay. And
B .O .B., you are a? Goblin. Goblin. Wonderful.
I'd love to meet you face to face, B .O .B. Oh,
okay. As you hear just like. And B .O .B. crawls
out the back. you see just a little goblin crawl
onto the head. Oh God, what the hell is that?
Kill it, kill it. No, don't kill it. I think
we need him. It's a B .L .B. He's important.
I'm a B .L .B. Hi. Awesome. Okay. Is everyone
on the same page now? No. Besides him. Wait,
why do we care about this little creature? Oh,
he's a chosen one. Well, we're all chosen ones.
Oh, I've never been chosen for anything. Oh,
that's depressing. Tell you what, B .O .B., I
choose you to help get us out of here because
there's another 20 guards coming right now. Any
second now, they're going to come around the
corner and we are in super deep shit if that
happens. So. Can we, like, climb on? Can we ride
inside? Do you have extra seats? Is there a backseat
to that thing? Like, let's get out of here. Oh,
yeah. No. Awesome. I would like a boat. Has anybody
got a boat sort of harbored anywhere? Those footsteps
are getting closer and closer. You guys should
move soon. Oh, I love boats. Yeah, me too. What's
a boat? You were on one earlier. What happened
to that? Don't worry about it. I'm out. Wait,
Chris, is this everyone in the drawing? Yep,
it sure is. Hey, everyone in the drawing. Can
I see your drawing? Yep, right here. And I'm
like, I'm going to hold it up as I run away.
Come look at the drawing. Come look at the drawing.
Doug, go. As you just see Doug reaching for the
drawing. And I'm going back out of town. To the
edge of town where you came in. To the edge of
town, because I don't know. This is the first
time I've been here. That's where the house is.
It's going to be on the edge of town. So the
direction you came in. Yeah, yeah. So I hold
up the picture. Doug, B .O .B., B .O .B. Doug,
whoever's whoever. You just see Doug reaching
for us. B .O .B.'s kind of like steering it from
the inside. And I'm fast. I'm hopping along.
Yeah, you're definitely faster than them. I'm
going to trot after them and just be like, so
are we like a family or like a team now? Yeah!
As he's reaching for the paint and drawing. You
run them all to the edge of town. are passing
the, uh, wilted plant house. Um, You have broke
the distance. Those guards never got a line of
sight on you. You still hear them moving through
the town, but they are now shouting, trying to
communicate to find out where you guys are. But
they are not on the edge of town currently. I
just imagine them playing like Marco Polo. Like,
Marco, and Biobikius keeps going, Polo, Polo!
Stop! That's root to Nazi Polo! It's the rules!
It's the rules! Follow the rules, kilt someone.
Perfect. You approach the front door of this
house. B .O .B., you immediately are faced with
a issue. Doug will not fit through the front
door of this house. Oh, no. Does he have like
a fold up into a suitcase kind of button or something?
Oh, yeah, it super does. Great. Can you push
the button? Push that button. If you push that
button, I'll be your best friend. Hey, I have
a question. Yeah. What is a suitcase? Something
really small. It's just a word for really small.
I don't think that's true. Don't listen to her.
Look at her. What's wrong with me? You got a
problem? I feel like there's been conflicting
reports about what a suitcase is. A suitcase
is average size. Are we like going in this house?
Like is the door open? The four of you are standing
inside looking at B .O .B. who cannot fit through
the doorway. Just get out of the thing. And just
leave it outside. Doug will get lonely. Well,
if Doug is his own creature, he can go run off
wherever he wants. Oh, that's true. That was
a really interesting voice for Vayne. Please
cut that. Never before heard. We'll say it again.
Never before heard British Vayne. I did a British
accent, yeah. Say it again. What did I say? Something
about him being his own creature and running
off somewhere. If Doug is his own creature...
Why did I do that? Oh, if Doug's his own creature...
If this Doug is his own creature, just send him
running off on his own. Oh, that would be fun.
Okay, I like that. And it's better than suitcases,
because I don't know what that is. So... I'm
going to hop on out of Doug properly. I'm going
to crawl on down using my little ladder and plop
down on the ground. Q has to fight the urge to
point you like a football. Wisdom saving throw?
Wisdom saving throw? Yeah. Intrusive thoughts,
intrusive thoughts, intrusive thoughts. Isn't
your wisdom really low? Yeah, but... You can
make it at an advantage. That's great. No. First
one was bad. A seven. I punt B .O .B. like a
football. B .O .B. touches ground and it immediately
is just poof. Let's just say you walked around
the side and kicked him into the house. Yeah,
okay, yeah, okay. To streamline things as B .O
.B. goes, ah, soaring through the front door
over everyone's head. Oh my God, who fucking
killed him? Everybody's, no, he's fine. Look,
he's fine. I didn't kick him that hard. This
house has a wilting plant and a lumbering robot
standing outside of the front door. That's what
the camera would be looking at as the conversation
starts inside. But the five of you are standing
in a house. It's a little dark. It's dusty. There's
some jams and breads left out. I don't imagine
you put them away. No. Are there cupboards? Yeah,
there's cupboards. I start going through the
cupboards. There's not much. Cups, pickled foods,
it looks like. Survival shit. No booze. No booze.
Well, this quest sure was easy. We're done then?
Everyone's here. We just need to talk to the
Oracle now. The what? You hear a door close upstairs.
Hey, I'm sorry. Did you just bring us into it
like a trap? You hear footsteps descend down
the stairs and round the flight and you see a
young girl familiar to you as Adelheid steps
into view. Her expression pretty blank as she
looks at all of you and says, that was really
fast. Everyone, this is Annabelle. My name is
Adel Heitz, and it's a pleasure to meet all of
you finally. I've been drawing you for as long
as I remember. Well, seeing drawings of you.
Anyway. Sorry, real quick. Delightful to meet
you. What do you mean drawings for quite some
time? It'll make more sense when you meet him.
He is divine, and we're all special in certain
ways. It'll make more sense when you see him.
Where we're going, it might hurt a bit to exist
because of your physical nature. Try to ignore
it as best you can and know that you won't be
there very long. Where are we going? The Fallow.
The Fallow. Cool. I'm probably out for this one,
guys. Thanks, though. And I take out the picture
and I give it to Keela. And I don't say anything,
but I like give her the picture and I'm like
pointing at it kind of aggressively. Hold on.
And then like pointing at everybody like, you
care about the picture now? Because she didn't
care in the bar. I care for one reason only.
I have lived underground literally my entire
life. How, how am I on a, how, how does anyone
seen me? You know? With their eyes probably.
No, but that, no. Should we not be seeing you?
I can see you. No, you shouldn't. Because I brushed
myself off. I should have died in the sunlight.
A lot of weird shit's going on. I'm just trying
to figure it out. Adelheid clears her throat.
There are going to be guards outside very soon.
What do you say we get going? And she turns up
the stairs and starts walking away from all of
you guys. Sounds like an adventure to me. Well,
upstairs. That's where I was sleeping. I don't...
Look, for searchers, I don't want whatever this
is. Okay, we're all in the same picture. Cool.
Strange girl talking. That's fine. You know,
you see lots of weird things. It happens sometimes.
Anybody know at all who we're going to talk to?
You all hear, it's over here. From outside as
it seems they have spotted the mech outside the
building. All right, well, I don't actually have
another option for us. So this one sounds great.
Up the stairs, crew. Come on, I'll lead the way.
Right behind you guys. I'll bring up the rear.
Gotcha. You head up the stairs. Anyone not go
with? I kind of tail behind a little bit. And
then right before I go up the stairs, I reach
my hand out for Chris to hold my hand as I go
up the stairs. And I just point. I turn around
and I go. Doll's ejected. You head up the stairs.
Adelheid is upstairs at the end of the hallway.
What's up? If we're leaving to go upstairs, I
would have to figure out something to do with
Doug. You can use the message cantrip between
Doug. Yeah. I'll just say, Doug, make yourself
really small. Like a suitcase. You know what
that mean? Wink. You hear the whirring of machinery
as it goes. And if you were staring out a window
long enough, but maybe just the camera sees as
Doug starts this very. very slow process to start
reducing itself in size. And it compresses down.
If we were to watch the whole process, it gets
to about four feet tall, just big enough to start
fitting through doorways. Doug begins that process
as guards are sort of surrounding it, looking
back and forth, confused on what to do as it
gets smaller in front of them. You guys are heading
up the stairs. Adel heights at the end of the
hallway where she is waiting by a door. And as
soon as most of you make it up the stairs, she
turns the handle. You hear this sound that is
akin to a piano wire snapping, but it doesn't
sit around harsh enough. It's just a quick snap
as the door opens and you find yourselves facing
not a room, but a dense forest just on the other
side of this. It is the light of day. It is clearly
your world, but it is just a forest instead of
a building. And she says, after you. Is this
going to blow me up or something? I can go first.
Yeah, that sounds. And she walks through the
door first. That's convincing enough for me.
Kila will go through. You see Kila step through
the door and she is just on the other side. The
same as if she walked through that door right
there. Oh, can I go next? Yeah. Okay. I go through.
You walk through the door. It feels like going
through a door. Everyone else? And I follow through.
Does it hurt? You feel fine, actually, when you
step through. It feels maybe like, oh, what's
the word? When you're in a house that is completely
settled, there's no airflow, it's like musky,
I don't know. Stale. Stale. It feels like the
air here feels a bit stale to you. I guess I
look at Vane and I say, age before beauty. Hey.
You'll be right there. And then I pat you on
the head a little bit. Sorry. Take it back. I
don't pat you on the head, but I say that. Cool.
And then I guess I'm last through. I think before
I go through, I probably take my bow off my back.
So I have it ready. You hear the sound of splintering
wood and then groaning staircase as Doug starts
stepping up the internal stairs and guards are
shouting, Well, don't just stand there, go after
it! And you hear them start to pour into the
building as Doug is slowly making its way to
the door and Adelheid is sitting there holding
this magical door waiting to close it. As soon
as Doug goes through, there's a bunch of guards
sprinting at you guys right as she slams the
door and it's just you guys sitting in a silent
forest. Did Doug make it? Doug made it. Yeah!
Good job, Doug. You all look out just past the
trees that you are standing in. Adelheid leads
the way for about 30 seconds before all of the
trees begin to die off. It becomes sparse in
a flat open field. You even watch her sort of
wince a little bit as she steps into this clearing
where the grass is a bit more yellowed instead
of vibrant green. Anyone who is a magic user
or... in touch with the weave. So technically
all of you will feel a difference as you step
into this place known as the fallow. Nobody takes
damage. Nobody dies. Adelheid leads you just
over a hill in this clearing and you see a river
that separates the yellowing fields. And right
on that river, there is a small cabin with smoke
coming out of the chimney. And she says, just
a short walk. And then in no time, this will
make sense. Thank you for being so understanding.
There is a lot of ways where this didn't go so
cleanly. She smiles pretty sincerely at all of
you. A real excitement is radiating from this
girl about this endeavor. You must have not seen
the state of the cobblestones after we left the
center of town. No. Anyway. And you continue
across the fields and approach this cabin. Adelheid
begins running a bit ahead of you as the front
door opens and you see a... Figuring these royal
purple robes that look old, like they've existed
for a very long time. Not covered in a layer
of dust, but instead faded in certain parts,
like the hood and in the sleeves. You can see
it's just as bright as it probably was before
the sun ever got to it. As he approaches you,
his appearance is just that of a very attractive,
comforting, disarming man with ice white eyes.
Linger on each one of you for a long second as
a smile spreads across his face, and he says
well done You made great time I suppose you probably
have a lot of questions, and I'll be taking them
soon, but in the meantime I want to say um Thank
You Adel height and she smiles and he gestures
her to walk away, and he says I'm gonna get straight
to the unfortunate business you are all here
because well Fate has been narrowing itself lately.
I am what's referred to as an oracle, and I can
see futures. And in my futures I see many things.
My dreams can be of anyone, anywhere, anytime.
But for the past few weeks, it's just been of
you. Over and over again. And in half of the
encounters I scry on, I'm seeing you at the end.
And excuse me for vagueness, but... If you don't
listen and help me on this one thing, go to one
place, talk to one man, and answer a question.
Once you're done, you're free to go. And in the
futures that I see where you do this, you, and
he points to Chris, find a happy life, you become
a master pirate, and he points to Kila. I'm sorry
to say the three of you, the results are up in
the air. And even the best ending, not all of
you have the happiest outcomes. And I apologize,
but I hope you all understand that I did not
force these inevitabilities on you. I simply
saw them coming. And I brought you here now to
give us the best possible result. If what I've
been seeing is true and not just a maybe result
of some evil man's plan out there in the world,
I'm going to need your help a lot more than just
this little errand. But as a sign of good faith,
I'm willing to pay you. I'm willing to give you
equipment to help you along the way. That's the
long version of it. I'm taking questions now.
I'm sort of fluent in crazy old man. And I've
got to tell you, mate, I mean, no disrespect
by me, darling, but I think you're up there as
far as quacks go. You're not curious why I know
your name and you're in a drawing of a magical
child that can open gateways? Well, I mean, I'm
used to my name being in people's mouths, so
it's not really... Like, yeah, like the drawing
thing is weird. But then again, you did say money
was involved. So I'm on board. Doesn't matter,
actually. Oh, don't be rude, pirate lady. I'm
not being rude. Your name is Kila Sharp. You
were born in the middle of the ocean. Your father's
name is Lindsay. He was a grandmaster pirate.
Half of the world at one point knew his name.
You lived in Benthos up until a few days ago
when you left. Your crew recently abandoned you,
left you behind because you - Alright, that's
enough. Oh, oh, do me next, do me next! You'll
understand if I trip through the rest of our
conversation because there are some things I
cannot say, for they might alter the stream of
things, so to speak. So, B .O .V., you are a
goblin. Yeah! Your best friend's name is Horder.
How'd you know? Anyone else? I suppose that's
sufficient food. This guy is really good. That'll
do it. Job's done. Wow. Yeah, that's a great
party trick you got there to tell us where we're
from and all that garbage. We're free to go if
we do this for you. What's to stop me from leaving
now? I'm just going to go about my merry way.
Like, oh, you're some sort of carnival guy who
can draw people you've never seen before. And
B .O .B. raises his hand really high. Can you
wait just a minute, B .O .B.? Yes. Cool. Thank
you. Why? I'll get you. I'll get you. I promise.
I promise. And I looked at the oracle like, this
is what I've been dealing with. He nods at you.
He says, give me one good reason to stick around.
Probability of success. Happiness. You can continue
to ride around on borrowed horses, temporarily
purchased and then left behind. Float around
drinking, sleeping in all day if you like. But
the path that pushes you towards doing something,
finding. Where you came from, where you should
go, is this one. You have every right to walk
away. You are, and I'm not saying this to guilt
you, truthfully condemning a lot of people, if
you do so. All right, that's acceptable. Yes,
B .O .B. And he said you get gold. I do like
gold. I do too. Gold is good. Yeah, I bet you
do. Good to know we have a lot of ideals lining
up here. Gold, gold, gold. I think that's going
to make this easier for us. So this guy we've
got to go talk to. What's his deal? Straight
to business. Good. Wait. Yes. What's your name?
Altamil. Oh, hi. I'm B .O .B. Hello, B .O .B.
I'm going to forget that. Satisfied? Uh, magic
child opening gateways? Edelheit. The shortest
version is, some children are born with magic
gifts, and they are not always appreciated in
their home. I watch them here. I understand what
they're going through. I love gifts. Interesting.
The best gift I've ever gotten was... Sorry.
Can't even get conscious. Oh, man. A rare moment
where B .O .B. just goes inward. Exactly. He
says, I think the best move, probability -wise,
would be to get moving to Quell today. I can
have Adelaide open you a door and I can bring
you to Vance. I just can't personally go to that
city myself. What did you do? Are you like a
wanted criminal or something? Or something. What's
something? My gift is not appreciated there.
They don't like drawings there. Correct. What?
Oh, sorry, kiddo. That's a bad one. I guess you
and your talents are probably just going to have
to stay behind. But you're going. Worth a try.
You're all equally important. I look at Kayla
like, good try, good try. You're all equally
important here. And he glances around the circle.
And his eyes rest on Vayne. And he says. You've
been quiet. It's better that way, trust me. Thank
you. I have a question, though. Ugh. Proceed.
I will proceed. Jesus. I look, um, I say - What's
up? Hold on. Hold on. What? What just happened?
No, she just went, ugh. Because he asked a question?
Yeah, he's like, I have a question. I have a
question. Fuck. Alright, what's your question?
How far back can you look into someone's life?
I can look as far as the beginning is, as long
as you are you. And I understand what you're
getting at, but I can't give you those answers.
And I apologize. However, when you are in town,
be on the lookout for a book bound in crimson
leather. That'll be yours. Sorry, I can't say
more. Emo boy's got some secrets. See, so...
You don't know anything about, like, where I
was born? I know everything about where you were
born. He's just not going to tell you. I cannot.
You cannot. It'll alter the way things are supposed
to go. What about after? I can tell you anything
you need to know, but I have it on good principle
you'll know by then. I nod. There's not much
more to get out of this, I don't think so. You'll
find answers, all of you. Whether you... No,
you have the questions yet or not. I promise
this path is not going to be easy, but it will
be gratifying. Especially if you survive. And
he laughs a little. What'd you say? Where is
it exactly that we're going? Well, you're headed
to Quell. It's the epicenter of the world. It's
where your machine came from. Oh! There's plenty
more just like it. I'm pretty sure it came from
a hole in the ground, in a mine. That's correct.
I was mistaken. Otamelo's not semantically arguing.
I was trying to make your statement correct.
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. No, it is. Well, I don't
think we'll have any problems with the best friend
group we have. All right. He nods. Relax. He
looks around the circle to see their response
to you saying that. A double thumbs up from Chris.
A kind of sarcastic one. A frown from Bane. B
.O .B.'s eyes get so big and his smile so big.
Those are the two things that he has that are
so big. He's got some big other things. And he
just says, best friends? Oh yeah, little goblin
guy. What does that mean? Anything from Kila?
So this Quell place, I've heard about it in passing.
What are the odds that I could acquire a ship
there? It sort of seems like a place that I could
probably do that, yeah? Odds are good, but pirates
sail the streets in Quell. You wouldn't need
to go to the seas if you wanted to get a fill
of swashbuckling. All right, that's all I need
to hear. All right, let's get door girl in here
and let's get schmoving. Soon. I'll have you
all come inside. We'll find her. I have something
for each of you on this journey. And he leads
you up to this small, quaint cabin that looks
like it's a single room. But the small cabin
gets very big on the inside. Like Doctor Who.
Yeah. Okay. All right. Okay. Very well. Expansion.
Domain expansion. Did you just jujitsu kaisen?
I really did. Jujitsu kaisen my wiener. Call
that a bag of holding. What is happening? I don't
know. any of the past four jokes why did you
fuck the bag of holding i am marking that to
see if it makes any more sense next time because
i think i missed something ah fuck me um he turns
and gestures for you to follow him inside and
you see a house very similar to the one with
the wilting plant outside. You have a large living
room, kitchen downstairs, one side room and a
giant stairway that goes up where you immediately
see a large number of everywhere from young adults
to very young children, even some young adults
holding babies, walking around the house, feeding
younger kids, some sitting at a table and eating,
some are playing a board game. But you easily
just in the living room see like 14 different
kids, each of them Doing rather mundane things
with the exception of one in the kitchen that
is cooking with magic completely while they are
writing something down. But that is the scene
as Otzmael goes to the one side room, pulls out
a key and unlocks it and opens it and disappears
inside. He says, I'll be back in a moment and
close the door behind him. And you hear him lock
it from the inside. You see that some of the
kids are like shooting you glances. but look
away and start focusing on what they're doing.
Go ahead and everyone can roll if you care, but
their behavior is a bit strange just on a glance.
It's insight. Five. Insight. 13 minus two. Net
one. Ooh, what'd you get? 15. Oh, 15. With a
15, you're the only one who kind of picks up
on it. Some of them are like stealing glances.
None of them look scared. None of them look worried.
The vibe is very much so they were told not to
interact with you. So they are going about their
own business as if you're not there. So you stand
here, you observe them for a little bit. So they
are. Oh, I was going to ask, are any of them
playing games? Yeah. Yeah. Some of them are playing
like marbles. Hey, I know this game. Can I, can
I, can I. Silence as they keep playing their
game as if you're not there. I'm going to kneel
and just grab one and I'll play with you. Okay.
You pick up a marble. And I put it in my mouth.
Okay. Mate, I don't think that... Whatever, actually.
The door unlocks and opens back up and Autumnal
is returning with a purple cloth bundle of various
items, it appears. You hear a crunch. Ow! You
see one of the kids stifle a laugh and reach
into his pocket and pull out a new marble and
start playing with that one. And BoB slowly reaches
out. And grabs another. If they're not going
to stop me. The kid looks at you and goes, dude.
And you hear A2 clear his throat pretty clearly.
And the kid goes back and pulls another marble
out and starts playing with that one. Crunch.
Why don't we go upstairs? And gestures for all
of you to head upstairs. I give the kids a little
salute. That was a good game. You guys will figure
it out soon enough. I guess I'll look at Autumel
and say, it's a cute little orphanage you got
going on here. Thank you. What's the goal here?
Give them a place to live in a world that fears
them. Why would they fear them? The way I can
see futures, they can do different things. She
can make objects, animate this boy with the marbles.
I probably shouldn't tell you that. All you need
to know is that this is the best place for them.
It's because they're fucking weird. That kid
can make infinite marbles. Big words. From the
woman with the eye patch. Yeah, all right. So
I've got an eye patch. That girl over there is
like doing shit in the kitchen without even using
her hands. That's weird. I've seen the way you
sail. Yeah, but that's like different. He seems
to contemplate his response and decides to say
nothing. Shall we find Edelheit? He leads you
upstairs to a room that he knocks on the door.
Adelheid opens it. She steps out and turns around
and faces the door, turns the doorknob and thrusts
it open. And you see the coverage of like bushes.
And just through the thin thicket of bush, you
can see these large, just massive towering walls
in the midday sun made of cobblestone that go
easily 300 feet up. A giant portcullis that is
about half raised. and a set of two guards on
each side of this massive gate that you could
easily ride like four wagons side by side through.
And you see all these guards are wearing this
bright silver armor trimmed in blue as a giant
banner hanging over the side with a big Q on
it and a fancy font is just billowing in the
wind. And she gestures for all of you to move.
Atamel takes the bundle. and hands it to Chris.
B .O .B.'s hand starts, oh. Hands it over B .O
.B., like, physically in space. To Chris. He
says, it should be obvious whose is whose. I
trust you to divvy it out and not scrape anything
off the top. He stares at you knowingly. After
a pause. Now, when you get in the city, you're
going to go straight through that gate. Head
down the street until you find a two -story building
with a staircase leading outside. You're going
to go up that wooden staircase on the left side
of the street, and you're going to find a door
that says Vance Alexander, private investigator.
You're going to knock on that door, and you're
going to keep knocking until he answers. He'll
tell you to go away. He'll do everything to make
you think he's not there. I promise you, he's
there. Understood? He looks at all of you. And
then what? Like... Seduce him? Torture him? What's
so special about this Vance guy? Just tell him
to check on his pearl. Is that like a euphemism
for something? No, it's something he instantly
needs to do. Tell him to drop whatever he's in
the middle of and check. Is this another quest?
Very much so. Did I do good on the first one?
You did phenomenal. I think it's the first thing
I said and I meant it greatly. Less than... You
did your quest. Yeah. Good job. One in a million
odds, and I am very impressed. But one in a million
is something that we're quite familiar with.
Anyway, make Vance help you. Tell him Otamal
sent you. It might not help initially, but he'll
at least understand the weight of things. He
also reaches into his bag on his left side under
his robes and pulls out a pretty hefty coin purse
and hands it to you. He says, this is 150 gold
for each of you. Oh, that's it? That's it. It's
the most gold I've ever seen in one place. If
this goes well, I'll pay you more and you'll
be happy to move on with your life. Beautiful.
That's all I needed to know. More gold? He looks
at Adelheid and he says, all right, there are
a lot of you. Any questions before we free our
friend here? Gestures at the girl holding a magical
gateway open. You said you could see all of our
pasts, right? Correct. You saw everything? His
gaze drops and he looks at the company. What
are you getting at? No, I just, I'm sorry. The
answer is yes. But what you're looking for is,
you'll have to deal with it eventually. Don't
dwell on it now. Well, it's going to move on
now. Pearl's not going to solve itself. And he
literally is doing like the, all right, just
show with his hands, shooing you out like, let's
go, come on. I guess I'll open that bundle of,
Of stuff. Cool. Before you go through. Let's
see what's in there. No, I'll go through first.
Cool. Everyone go through? Yes. You all step
through. Adelight closes the door behind you.
And it is just you five hiding in some bushes
about 200 feet away from the entrance to the
city of Quell. You see carts lined up to go through
the gate as they are like passing security checkpoints.
And you guys didn't believe me about an oracle.
I don't think it was a matter of disbelief. I
think it was just a matter of what the fuck.
There wasn't much incentive to believe you. I
believed you the whole time. The Oracle only
told us what suited him and nothing else. It
was hardly very helpful. He did tell me I was
a goblin. That's true. He did know that. And
I did bring you all here, so I think I should
be group leader. Over my dead fucking body, mate?
We should... If I may. He's honest. In goblin
culture, we have what is called voting. I'm not
voting for shit. Last time somebody voted for
something, it really didn't work out well for
me. So actually, we're just going to skip the
voting part. Everyone can choose their own group
leader. For me, it's you, bud. Who do you choose,
Akilah? Myself. Wonderful. And Bane, who do you
choose? Kilo looks at you. I look at everyone
else. Her hand hovers over the hilt of a pistol.
Oh, Kilo. That's what I thought. So, Chris. Yeah?
You voted for. No, I'm just, I'm choosing. I
will only follow instructions from this guy.
Yes. Chris votes for blink. I think that means
I'm the tiebreaker. My only issue is, like, what
if, and I don't mean any, like, harm against
this, like, what if someone was on your left
side? Are you just attacking her disability?
He's got twice as many eyeballs as you. Vote
blink. Twice as many eyes. That's why they call
him blink. I only blink one at a time. Then your
name would be Wake. You've got twice as many
eyeballs and I'll still put you on the ground
four times as fast. Actually, that was going
to lead to my next point. In goblin culture,
we vote, but then they have to fight to the death.
Good thing we're not goblins then, I guess. Goblins
are ruled by a matriarch. So, Gila! Sorry, Blinks.
This has been just thrilling. Goblin laws, goblin
law. I'll be taking me effects now if you could
just hand over whatever it is in that bundle
that's mine. Right, I'm opening up this bundle
to see what's in there. Great. There are several
items. You can pass these out as you wish, but
they are in a very specific way picked for you
because you guys picked a set of items. But I
guess it's kind of up to Chris on how to divvy
these out. I picked the first thing. What is
it? It catches your eye because it's the biggest.
It's a quiver and it has this unnatural heft
to it. Dibs. I guess I'll pick the quiver up
and go, I'm going to take this one. Great. I
call dibs. Too bad. Next thing. There's a pair
of silk slippers that have spider -like designs
on the outside. Dibs. There you go, Beagle Beaks.
And I toss him to B .O .B. Okay, the next thing
you pull out is, is it a ring or a circlet? I
really like the idea of a circlet because it's
until B .O .B. uses the magic effect, it's kind
of just B .O .B. in a tiara. That's really funny.
Maybe B .O .B.'s the princess he had to save
all along. It is a circlet. It's a circlet of
human perfection. Okay. Very good. Yeah. There's
a little tiara. That is the next item. All right.
So I pull it out. You want this one? Give those
to somebody then. You can only get one. Give
them to somebody. Give them to Blink. I like
shoes. Okay. There you go. I put on my tiara.
I will say nothing happens because you have to
attune to it first. It looks great, me darling.
Nice. So he puts his tiara on and puts his hands
on his hips and says, wow, because that's kind
of what you're doing. That's a good visual. You
have the slippers. I go ahead and start putting
the shoes on. Very cool. Next thing I pull out.
The next thing you pull out is a set of gloves
that. I don't know. What do they look like? I
think they're fingerless. Fingerless gloves.
I think they're fingerless leather gloves. Yeah,
that's fucking cool. Anybody for these weird
socks? You already have some. I'll be taking
those gloves, please. Thank you. Dang it. Want
to trade? Not a shot in hell. You can't get everything,
B .O .B. And then there is just a stone, crystalline,
black, carved bat. I would ask who wants this,
but it's kind of obvious. It's going to be doom
and gloom over here. It fits the outfit. Yes,
yes. Thank you. And as this crystal lands in
your hands, Vane, you hear as three black birds
land in the tree above your head. Oh. Are those
friends of yours? You've never seen these birds
in your life. I've never seen those birds in
my life. Or should I say, dad? Oh, no. It's got
that one. Oh, no. I don't think you get that
one. That's too good. That was sick. I love it.
Fast forward, fast forward, fast forward, fast
forward. Any other stuff we want to do before
we go into the city? Divvy out the gold real
quick. Oh, 150 each. 150 each. Yobi, that's an
awful lot of gold for such a small goblin. I
know, this is a lot. Would you like me to help
you carry it? Oh, would you? I'd be happy to.
Oh my gosh. Here, you hang on to 10 and keep
it real safe. It's the shiniest 10 out of the
bunch. Promise you that. Okay. And then I'll
carry the rest for you. No, I'm a fair loser.
And maybe the group leader should hang on to
all the money. Right. So, actually, everybody
give me your money then. Mine's already away.
Mine's already tucked in my bag. Yeah, I didn't
think I'd get anywhere with you on that one.
Good try, good try. But, B .O .B., I'll carry
yours for you. Yeah, okay. I'll take the... Hold
on. Give me... Yeah, B .O .B., give the lady
whose whole personality is stealing all your
money. It's not my whole personality. Yeah, she
also shoots. The majority of her personality.
She also shoots lies and steals. Oh, wait. Yeah,
see? See? It came up again. I'll even persuasion
check you for it. I rolled my insight onto this.
Yeah? It's a nat one minus two. He doesn't catch
sarcasm if he rolls a 20 on insight. He smiles
at you, the sweetest, charmingest, and holds
out her hand for your money. How much gold is
it? It's 150 divided by... No, it's 150 each.
You're a fucking kid. It's 750 total. So I'm
telling you to keep the 10 shiniest for yourself.
I thought it was 150 divided. No, you're giving
away 140 gold to Killa. Holy... Fuck, yeah, that
makes sense. I'm going to count for 10 minutes
the shiniest 10 out of the bunch. Why 10 minutes?
I need to examine that. Yeah, you're right. That
was stupid of me. Why would I ask that? That
was stupid. So I'm picking out the shiniest 10.
I'm putting them in a nice little nothing because
I don't have anything to put things in. It's
just a cage. Both hands tied up. His hands are
so small he's got to cup them. Yeah, and I hold
them and then I say, perfect. And you? Hold my
gold, will you please? Happy to do it. Tips the
non -existent cap. Pleasure doing business to
you. To you? Business to you. Pleasure doing
business, me darling. What the deal? What the
smart goblin? Should we do something? The birds
agree from above. Me too. Wait, yeah, can they
talk to me? Greetings. I think you have to speak
bird to them. They just stare at you. Can you
speak bird? Yeah. Oh, go for it. The smaller
of the three talks back to you. What are they
saying, B .O .B.? What? What are they saying?
Oh, I said I could speak bird. And what did they
say? I said I could speak bird. Not that he understands
it. Very useful. A little pat on the head. What
did you say to them? A little pat on the head.
I said squawk, squawk. Oh. Okay. I knew where
this was going to go. They seem friendly enough,
no? Does any of your guys' stuff do anything?
I think mine's just shoes. You guys need the
identifiability if you want to know. You know
what? Fuck it. There's a piece of paper in the
bundle that says what each one of these things
does. It's like an item index. I like it. Yeah,
yeah. No sense in that shit. That's like the
least helpful he could be, right? Here's a bunch
of magical items you don't know what they do.
Later, losers. Peace. Figure it out. You must
bond with your items. I know what they all do,
but you won't. Bye. So we can look at that index
and figure out. Yep, yep. So now you all know
what they do. looks at the indexes. Oh, fascinating.
Can he read common? No. Fuck. But he sure can
pretend. Does anyone want to share with B .O
.B. what his ability can do? Definitely not.
Okay, perfect. Hey, you could turn into like
a person. A human, not a person. That's fucked
up. Like a normal guy. You could stop being this
fucking weird creep. Wow. Like a real boy? Oh,
no. Wow. A real boy. A real gross, slimy human.
Slimy? As I read it to him, though, I'm like
walking up a tree. Gotcha. That's sick. Yeah,
you have the boots of spider climb. So you will
be able to, with just your feet, walk up and
down walls. Where were we? We're in the bushes.
We just divvied up our stuff, the index. Everybody
knows what their things do. Very good. There
is a line of carts going into Quell. And then
there is even foot traffic that is being stopped
and once over by guards making a ledger of people
coming through. Does it look like they're confiscating
weapons? Is there any reason to believe that
we can't just walk through the pedestrian entrance?
You have no reason to believe. You do notice
like every 10 to 20 people, one person will like
hand over an item that the guards will tag and
set to the side. It's largely weapons and books,
but every so often there's like a vase someone
hands over. Nobody's got any vases on them, right?
No vases, but Kila looks down at the five pistols
strapped across her chest. I don't know if they're
going to like this one. As you say that, a guy
with a giant blunderbuss in his hands walks up
to the gate, sticks a hand out and shakes hands
with a guard and gives a little laugh and he
walks straight through with a big old blunderbuss
in his hands. Never mind. I actually think it's
going to be a non -issue. I have no arguments
against just walking in. Great. Are we all going
together? Yeah, we're a team. Family? Yes. Family.
Crew, I think, is more of an apt term. Crew.
Forever. We are. Best friends forever. But do
we have a better chance of all getting in if
we all go separate? I don't know. I really couldn't
tell you. It doesn't seem like they're doing
a whole lot of stopping. All right, let's go.
Holding hands? Maybe next time. Okay. Just a
big metal hand coming out. And I hold it. Nice.
Kilo walks off to the pedestrian line. No shame.
All confidence. Cool. All swagger. As you make
the choice to leave, the three birds scatter
off and fly up into the sky. You scared my birds
away! Hi, me again for some quick closing thoughts.
The first being, thank you so much to everyone
who's already listened to episode zero and episode
one. The reception we've gotten on that has blown
us out of the water. It is way beyond our wildest
dreams. So thank you sincerely to everyone who's
taken the time. Thank you. Thank you to Chandler
for use of our theme song. Thank you to Chris
for the amazing art you did for us. Anyone itchy
for a little more information about Turntales,
go to Instagram at Turntales Podcast. You'll
find some character themed ice giveaways we're
doing for the first few episodes, as well as
a bunch of cool reels that I make in my free
time. Anyway, thank you so much. See you next
time. Caring about that is so fucking funny.
One thing he had.