What's up guys, it's Sean your dungeon master
slash editor for turntails I'm here to hit you
with a quick disclaimer ahead of this episode
to let you know that things might seem a little
Off at times. We never really intended to share
this episode with you guys. It was meant to be
our little test run But we ended up recording
it, you know testing our tech as well as playing
the game and thank golly We did because we ended
up deciding that we should share this episode
with you So like I said, if it seems a little
funny, bear with us. We never really expected
you to listen to this. If backstory and character
one on ones aren't really what you're looking
for, feel free to skip ahead to episode one.
But I really think it's worth the listen here.
Thanks for your time. And we're really excited
to share our show with you guys. Bye. So you
know I'm picking rock. I believe you. I do believe
you're picking rock. I might pick scissors, but
that won't hurt you guys at all. But you said
you'd pick rock. OK, I'll pick rock. I hate this
game. Are you picking rock also? You told me
to. OK, I will also pick rock. I'm picking rock.
I was just joking. I was just joking. I've always
been picking rock. You really want to do this
with three minute rock, paper, scissors? Yes.
All right, let's do it. So the loser is. The
one that has to go first. So only one round,
only one loser. Yes, yes. But there's two losers.
No, the two - You can go paper, paper, and scissors.
The loser goes first. But what if you have two
losers? So you're winning your way out. So your
bottom two losers would just go again. So we
play two rounds. Unless we get it in one. Unless
you get it in one. Why did I just assume that
it was going to be in one? Anyways, I'm picking
Rock. I already see Avi punching his beer over.
Ready? Wait, wait, wait. I'll bet you five bucks,
Avi does pick Rod. I don't like giving Avi that
much power in gambling. And that is the smart
move. Now he's going to pick it just to spite
me. I just want this to be over. Okay, me too.
On... Shoot. Go. On ready, set, shoot, go. Just
like Tim said. I wish Tim was here to tell his
own jokes. He did better than me. So it's rock.
Okay, let's do a test run. Oh my god. Rock, paper,
scissors, shoot. I told you. Oh! Oh! I told you.
I anticipated Garrison hitting the paper. I told
you I hit scissors. I told you. I should have
stuck with the paper. I second guessed myself
after I threw that. Recap of what just happened
Sean. Yeah, it's exactly what I thought would
happen. So one pick is rock, two people pick
scissors. And now Garrison and I have to go together
to see the sucker in. Oh, Avi fucking won. Congratulations,
Avi. You don't have to go first. Come on, Garrison.
Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Whoa, I did it
too early. My bad, my bad. No, you didn't. You
hit it on shoot, dude. But I didn't want to go
first. You don't. You are going first. I am.
Oh, it's the loser. It was the loser. Yeah. Yeah.
Garrison, I'm going first. Oh my God. He was
ending his answer. This is my first engine not
I don't mean that Baby's first D &D this might
not be baby's first D &D, but this is baby's
first podcast. It's just It's not even D &D.
Hey, I'm gonna get that out of the way right
now. We're playing Dungeons & Dragons. Barely.
This will be Dungeons & Dragons for the most
part, but the way we always... I have always
played it has been, you know, rule of cool, obviously,
but like if I generally have a rule for it and
I think dice should make a decision, I shouldn't
just give you something. I'll give you a test
with the dice. If it works, cool. Does that sound
a lot like D &D? Because that's the premise.
If I ever don't have a rule and someone else
knows a real rule, throw it my way. If we like
that rule, cool. If we agree it's a dumb rule,
we'll move on. In the meantime, we are just going
to play the game. Audrey, say hi, Audrey. Hi,
Audrey. Yeah, that's funny. As long as two more
of you. But I won't set you up like that again.
Fool me once, shame on me. It's time to play
the game. Or is it the other way? Nice. Or is
it the other way? I think I said it wrong, but
whatever. Audrey. Hi. We start on the deck of
a ship. It is not small by any means, but it
just barely teeters into large. We see a measly
crew aboard making the deck look rather sparse
as it started by only five. bodies. All of them
not exactly large in stature but every single
one of them seemingly very capable. All of them
have ropes tied around their waist that are not
currently attached to any one thing but instead
coiled around their hips as there is nothing
but open sea in every direction except for the
direction they're heading and home is just on
the horizon. Cold waters are moving you rather
quickly despite normally slowing down ships of
your size. But this ship has been sailing these
waters for far too long to be troubled by it.
And this crew has been sailing these waters,
maybe not as long, but definitely long enough
to be navigating it like professionals. We zoom
in on the captain. Who do we see? What does she
look like? So Keela is sort of a younger woman.
kind of hanging out in those arbitrary mid -20s
where nothing really feels real. She's fairly
tall, probably like a cool five -nine -ish. She's
got real big dark curly hair, random braids scattered
through it with loops of gold and shells. There's
like crab claws woven throughout. She's got a
fairly snappy looking coat. Very good. We see
her able to sort of lose her grip on the helm
and go join her crew as they all gather for a
meeting of sorts. We see a tall lanky man who
is very athletically built. He stands about six
foot one, towering over the rest of this crew
that I think the next tallest really is Keela.
Pickett and Fisk are brothers. coming from a
very simple house that has always fished in the
coast of benthos as where we have Eddie, a quiet
brooding character who is drowning in their coat
and hat, but is standing with a posture that
looks sturdy even on choppy waters. That tall
figure who is a bit more educated as we hear
him speak in clashing eloquence nods at his captain
and says, well. Another day, another couple thousand
for benthos, I think. I think that was good work
we did out there. Let's see if we can get home
quick as possible. I'd like to. Seems like there's
something rolling in. I'd like to avoid it. You
think Graff will buy the eggs? Haven't had any
problem with it before. Alright, then. As long
as they don't show up. Crack to shit. Well, that's
up to your sailing then. I'm gonna go below deck
and get us a real number. In the meantime, don't
crash. Good work today. When have you ever known
me to crash? And uh, you know... And he looks
around and he says, can I talk to you real quick?
And he pulls you aside and he says, I'm starting
to think that Eddie is liking the killing part
of the job. Of course, Eddie likes the killing
part of the job. Right. That's like what she's
good at. But we're supposed to try and do things
diplomatically first. And I think she's just
getting itchy at this point. Yeah, like the last
four boats we've come across have been diplomatically.
I get it. Getting bored is not a reason to start
getting violent. That's how you make enemies,
Captain. What's an enemy here or there? How are
you supposed to get notoriety if you don't have
enemies? It'll be fine. Stop worrying about it.
He doesn't have a response for that. He looks
back at the crew who has actually already dispersed.
I think Pickett is sitting there on the deck
relaxing. He looks over at you and waves as the
two of you look at him. But that is interrupted
by, oh, we got someone coming from the place
between town. Kilo sort of step away from where
she is. Yeah, she'll go and look port side and
and yeah, there's a nice can see a small transport
looking ship. It looks very simple. It is floating
very slowly in like a horizontal path. Give me
a oh, this is going to be an investigation check,
not your bread and butter. But this is to piece
together kind of where this boat suddenly came
from. I love it. Nice. It either just appeared
or it came from Benthos, but you've never seen
this book before, and it wasn't docked there
this morning. Boys, how do we feel about the
two -for -one deal before we head home? I think
another payday's off the port. You immediately
hear the rest of your crew start to cheer. You
hear Sable open his mouth to say something before
he stops at the sound of his entire crew cheering
and says, looks like I've been outvoted. All
right, me boys, prepare to keel and board. And
then she'll give the command to raise the black.
You raise the black flag as you start to crane
your boat towards them. The ship now fairly visible
raises a white one and stops its course. This
is going to be a quick one. They'll still come
around pretty quick coming around parallel up
to it. Great. You pull up. it goes off without
a hitch. It's like you're being met with no resistance.
And as your boat collides and you get ready,
you see four familiar faces standing on deck
of the other ship waving at you as a crew of
haggard looking sailors smile at you through
missing teeth. And some of them are wheezing
laughing themselves. They go. Oh, we got you
good lass. All right. Yeah, you got me good.
You weren't playing any colors idiot. Yeah, that's
because our job is to find ya. What do you mean
find me? Your dad paid us to come out here and
prove that you're pirated because they know that
Jefferson can't lie and look Jefferson's seen
ya. I don't suppose this is a friendly barding.
It could stay that way. It sort of depends on
how this next interaction goes. See, I'll tell
you what. Name your price to forget this whole
situation. Whatever he's paying you, I could
pay you more. And you know that's true, eh? Where
do you think we're coming from? They turn and
whisper to each other for a little bit. He paid
us 500 gold. What did he pay out of? The coffer,
I think. So he's paying you with my money. I
don't know where the money's come from. You did
mention a deal, maybe. Right, I did. See, we're
coming off of quite a haul here. Let's make this
easy. I pay a wee bit, I match the 500 plus a
little bit of this on the side, and we pretend
like we never saw each other. You got any right
treasure on the ship now, like proper guild?
Of course I do. Sable sighs and goes below deck
to collect 500 gold. Why don't you do what you
do, pay this out, and come find us in the tavern
and give us the rest? Alright, you got a deal,
but I'm telling you, I don't want a single word
of this getting back to me, da. Otherwise, I'm
gonna become taking this 500 back, you understand
me? Lady, I made a thousand gold today. Why would
I throw that away? You're a wise man. I'll see
you later for a drink. First round's on me. Aye.
And, see what comes over. hands them their 500
gold in a very heavy sack I think that he has
found below deck and they wave you goodbye and
say, uh, you want to let us go ahead first so
we can say we didn't see ya. I think that sounds
like a good idea there. Got a lot of thoughts
in that head. Good work. Okay. And he, uh, waves
goodbye and goes up to his spot at the helm and
starts barking things to his crew as they fairly
proficiently start to sail away from you. Sable
is looking at you. Look, do you want to keep
pirating after this or not? Did you want this
to be our last run? Because if they went home
crying to me, dad, I would have been. And you
know that. No, I don't think I know that. I'm
pretty sure he knows what we do at this point.
Of course he doesn't know what we do. OK. I haven't
told him. And either of you guys where does he
think the money comes from crabbing Crabbing
I you think I could pay the guy on the docks
for nothing. You think I've just given him gold
for fun, right? Okay We've got a long way ahead
of us if we want to sell the story So why don't
we do something fun? You want to play dice? Yeah,
cars will play dice. How much you bitten? How
about I won't collect from you my share of that
500 we just had to give away cool You let them
go back to port you give it how long? Think we
can maybe take a long course around for like
a bonus Six or seven hours or something like
that. Just fill time hang out you then that end
up going home it is starting to get dark and
you Make your way into port i think that you
have an arrangement and here in your home of
benthos you sail up to a mechanism that is in
the center it is this like post with a long reel
so to speak and it is one of the very few pieces
of technology benthos has where you have a single
cable that you know you can pull out open a compartment
in your ship and that cable will reel everything
attached out suspended over the sea and back
into town all tagged with something that ensures
it's yours. Sable looks at you and says, okay,
you go deal with the crab stuff and I'll do all
the checks. And I think your dad knows. And he
turns away with his clipboard and doesn't respond
to you as he walks away. Appreciate the advice
though. You sail back to dock, drop anchor, he
begins to tie up the ship and do all of his checks.
You head down the dock and find your regular
guy. You have to sort of wait in line to see
him as a bunch of crabbing crews are coming in
finishing their haul for the day. You wait in
the long line as you get closer to this man sitting
at a table with a large ledger filling stuff
in and you hear the dialogue. We got six, seven,
five. I'm going to pay you for six, seven, five.
Fine. And he signs a ledger and then takes a
large sack of gold off the table and disappears
down the hallway. You follow in suit before it
is finally your turn. And he goes, Oh. How much
today? The usual. And she's going to pull a bag
of gold out from her pocket and put it on the
table. He nods. He takes it. Give me a persuasion
check with advantage. How much? He opens it.
How much is it? How much did you pay the last
guy for his 600 something crab? What's the standard
exchange? 25 guild. Oh, there's 50 in there.
Not only does he not have to pay me Don't roll
anything. You're good. If you're giving him 50
yield, that's fine Yeah, he puts it in his pocket
very quickly. He nods you along and he says Boss
is still waiting for you then. That's all right.
That's where I'm headed next Bye. You're holding
up the line. All right. Are you playing cards
later? Of course. All right. See you there. As
you march past him, you continue into a somewhat
administrative part of this decrepit building.
It's right along the water, so it definitely
sees a lot of damage as the wood freezes and
thaws and freezes and thaws in the regular cycles.
You see a Older gentleman, he's probably around
your father's age, 65, a bit haggard. But he
has brilliant blue eyes and has all of his teeth.
And he smiles as you walk in and he says, ah,
my favorite customer. How's it going? It's going
great. What do you have for me today? The boys
said it's heavy. They should be bringing your
ledgers here shortly. Ah, story is your dad was
poking around for you today. Stories travel quick,
huh? Yes. Who's talking? I thought I paid him
not to. Never mind. Why don't we conduct business?
He looks down at some papers and he looks up
and he says, why don't we call it twelve hundred?
And I don't answer why I'm paying you so much.
Eleven hundred. And you don't say a word to my
dad who comes poking around. Absolute. And he
sticks his hand out for you to shake his hand.
Yeah, she'll shake it. I recommend that you maybe
go home sooner rather than later. Is there like
a shit storm waiting for me? Because otherwise
I'm just gonna go out and do another lap. Is
he in like a piss poor mood? I actually have
another client. Okay, fine. Thanks for your help.
Appreciate it. Great. He kicks you out of his
office pretty swiftly. There's no one waiting
outside or anything. Jerk. You wander back into
the street of Benthos. It is a coastal town arcing
in this large bay. Some ice floating in the water
still, but at least things are mostly dry. You
are headed home and as you get to the hill that
begins the ascension to your father's lighthouse,
anything you want to do? Yeah, she is going to
step off to where the rocks kind of peer out
into the water, climb down the side a little
bit, move a rock away. She's going to take off
her pirate hat and her coat. and all of her effects.
And she's going to stash them behind this rock
and roll it back into place. And then she's going
to pop back up to the to the lighthouse. Great.
You get to the top of this drudging hill. It
is sitting on the cliff above bento. So it's
probably like 25 minutes and a grueling angle
to get to the top. No matter how many times you
do this walk, it never gets easier. You get there
right as the sun is going down. and the lighthouse
is kicking on. He's definitely home. Yeah, she'll
go inside and peek up from the bottom of the
stairs. It goes it goes way out. She wouldn't
be able to see him, but she's going to yell up
the stairs. Oh, man. You hear the kettle begin
to whine as as steam is forming because it's
done boiling. It's ready for tea. It begins to
hiss loudly and you hear his wooden leg making
a very concise step. Several floors up. It seems
like a while before he'll be down here cool that
kettle is just She's gonna go to move the kettle
off the stove and then yell back up Well by the
time you get down here, you're gonna be dead
You simply hear fuck you As he descends the stairs
and he gets to the bottom. He's giving you serious
stink. I but there is a happy Well, maybe a snarl
on his face that sort of fades into a happy smile
as you were mean enough to insult him when he
knows you know he's mad at you but he can't help
it he smiles for a second he stops and he goes
no no i'm not gonna laugh through this first
of all we're not it was funny thank you for moving
the kettle you're welcome second of all i'm 2
000 gold poorer because of you what do you mean
because of me my gambling debts aren't that bad
the men i paid 500 said that you paid them 500,
and I told them that if you paid them, I would
pay them more to tell me the truth. I don't know
what you're talking about. You're fishing devil
crabs if you think that that's what's going on.
When was the last time you saw the sun? I don't
know why that's relevant. You're going crazy
in this lighthouse, old man. Oh, now I see why
it's relevant. You're hallucinating, thanks.
Here's the deal. It's not a matter if I have
a problem with it. You've been going for a long
time now. You're gonna make enemies. You have
to stop eventually. What? Crap in. Yeah, crabbing.
Alright, but if I stop crabbing, who pays to
repair this place? We have - What makes the economy
go round? We have some trade still, we'll be
fine. I don't think so. And you know that. Keela.
What? Look at me. I'm not joking. I'm looking
at you. I'm not being cheeky. You haven't brushed
your hair today. I need to know you can tell
me the truth when I'm actually being serious.
Are you or are you not pirating? I'm not pirating.
You make a lot of money for a crabber. Hey, that
I do. Money that goes right into the pockets
of our friends. Just admit it's not crabbing.
It's crabbing. Right. Do you want tea? Oh, we'd
bet on honey if you got it. You don't deserve
it. Oh, what? Because I insulted you. He makes
you some tea without some honey and he puts it
on your side of the table and he gestures for
you to sit down. She sits down. And he stares
at you for a long second and looks like he wants
to say something a few times and stops. The fourth
time he says, You're a good kid. You do right
by the town. I just know that the sea can be
unforgiven. And I worry. All right, you want
me to admit it? Care about a piece of driftwood
like you. My life was quiet before you showed
up, you know? Yeah, how boring is that one? You
would have started talking to yourself quite
some time ago. Right. This is much more pleasant
company, I assure you. That's debatable, I think.
Well, the alternative is you have to talk to
yourself forever. That sounds pleasant, at this
moment. If you're going to take anything from
this lecture, if I ever tell you I'm serious,
please listen. I always listen to when you talk.
It's hard to ignore that grating voice. He gets
up with his tea and his hot metal cup and he
holds it up to you and he says, I was full of
energy when I came down those stairs. Five minutes
with you, I'm exhausted. You have a real talent
when I help this old man up the stairs. Of course.
Wouldn't want you falling down backwards. You
begin to help him up the stairs. He hobbles with
his peg leg side supported on you And you go
to sleep for the night. We don't need to drag
that out you wake up the next morning and Normally,
he's cooking first thing in the morning But there's
no smell of food. There is no warmth that usually
is in the lighthouse. It's it's a little cold
Yeah, she gets up she pokes around is he here
at all you go downstairs And he's not in the
building at all. No, he's not sitting at a spot
where he normally would be reading. But you do
spot him out the window, standing, looking out
over the ocean, just on the cliffside. Yeah,
she'll... I think she'll... No. You have to pretend
things are normal and like, cool. She'll go bother
him. He's standing out there and he seems pretty
shocked when your footsteps and start to make
noise and he whips around just oh Good morning.
I'll get to cooking and he looks out over the
sea The ocean is dark today not abnormally dark,
but it's probably gonna storm He looks back at
you and he says I'm putting you to the test Promise
me you won't go out there today Even if it is
just crabbing, promise me you won't go out there
today. Look, I, I've got plans. I've got things
to do. The weather's not that bad. It looks,
you know, a little things to do. Keyla, you can't
use my ship today. Is that what you want me to
do? But you don't think I can sail in that? You
can. It's not about you. Keyla, I can't hear
her. Something's not right. I'll send Ward down.
I'll have him stop you. They can try. I don't
think they will. He looks out over the sea and
goes quiet. She dips. She's got places to be
and ships to intercept. Cool. You head down to
the dock. You gather your crew. I'd like to get
out of here as soon as possible, please. We want
to get out to that storm before it rolls in ugly.
Everyone's saying it's gonna all be ugly all
day. I don't think we should necessarily get
out and around it It'll be fine and he looks
at the other three and they seem pretty gung
-ho to go out so he shakes his head and he says
okay, and as you are boarding he starts doing
his final checks and Down the dock you hear a
distant voice screaming your father yelling your
name Alright, get that anchor up as quick as
we can, please. I do not want to stand here arguing
about this for longer than I have to. And he
is moving as quick as he can up the dock. Sable
lets the line go a little so the ship can start
to move. You're in shouting distance and he says,
get off that ship now. Killer, I can't keep you
safe if you go out there and it's not safe. Why
don't you ever bloody listen? I don't need you
to keep me safe. Every time I go out, I come
back just fine. You're not going to come back
this time and I feel it. Why can't you just trust
me? You said you would listen when I asked. That's
if you're asking me to do something like normal
and beneficial. This is outrageous. He is approaching
the gangplank and you see him stop and hesitate
as he stares at that two foot drop to the ocean
below. And he looks at you and he says, get off
the ship. I'm not doing this with you. You don't
have a choice. That's my ship. This ship belongs
to Captain Keele and she's leaving and she'll...
walk up the gangplank and she'll pull it in.
As you begin to pull it in you see him hesitate
for a second like he wants to step onto it to
catch it but fear overwhelms him and he takes
a step back and he wide -eyed opens his mouth
and you see a very familiar look as it just hangs
open and he mouths your name as you begin to
sail away. Cool intro Audrey. I'm sad. I'll be
back. It's fine. Who's next? I'll go. Great.
You are in your happy place. A little separate
from your goblin camp. Cave? Is it a camp or
a cave? It's a camp in a cave. Gotcha. You are
outside of your cave about a half -hour's walk
off the beaten path. There we see a small, pointy
-eared goblin. He's sitting in front of a lake,
and what does he look like? So, B .O .B. would
be sitting in front of the lake. He's got a small
tattered looking little notebook. When I say
small, it actually looks quite big for him because
he is only about two feet five inches. And so
this book that he is holding, he's just scribbling
his doodles within. Yeah, if it was a camera,
I would say over his shoulder, it looks a bit
akin to abstract art. What is your medium for
drawing right now? What do you think he's getting
colors from? What is his era? Just different
like muds and stuff or like? He likes to work
a lot with charcoal. It's a little deeper. Oh,
OK, cool. And by charcoal, I mean, whatever he
finds in a trash can. He's wearing a lot of brown
tattered clothing. Darkish green hair that's
just messy and all over the place his skin tone.
Obviously like a very vibrant green. Gotcha and
this boy. Yeah Yeah, cool. He is doing that and
he hears some footsteps coming up behind them.
They're distant They're just crunching through
grass and he hears a very familiar voice say
I knew I'd find you out here How'd you know?
Well, you come to the same place every single
day. I say this every single time. Oh! I'm starting
to think you know these conversations happen
and you just talk like this to fuck with me.
What? Don't worry about it. Okay. Why don't you
come on home? Um, I'm almost done with this,
uh... What would you call this as I turn the
book and show Hoarder what I'm drawing? Uh, he
looks at it. Give me an insight check. I can
do that. Because I have dice. Ant stats no way
yeah, you're once again describing Dungeons and
Dragons go rocks Okay That's gonna be a 14 minus
2 for a 12 12. Thank you. He goes I'd call it
art is what I'd call it He seems to be very impressed
by this He says I honestly think it's done You
shouldn't mess it up at all and we should get
back home so we can he looks around all suspiciously
Talk. Okay. Art, I will call you art. Walk and
talk. Do you not know what art is? Who? Okay.
As I continue to finishing touches. And as you're
walking back, he says, listen close, all right?
Can you stop drawing? What? I need to tell you
something and I need your undivided attention.
Can you stop drawing? Yes. As he continues to
draw. Can I see that? Yeah. He takes it from
you and he holds it over here. Oh, okay. And
he goes, can you listen to me real quick? Yes.
Before we get back to the camp, I need you to
know. Yes. There's a guy showed up and he asked
for. What's his name? His name is Grozak and
he's looking for the guy that made the drills
act funny. Oh, are we going to help him find
him? Oh, you know, that's you, right? You almost
killed like six people. He's looking for you.
Oh, OK. I need you to listen to me. Yes. Do not
agree to go with him do not don't agree to anything
with him don't agree Repeat the whole thing back
to me Do not agree to with him Oh Right. I forgot
to mention this. This guy is an older goblin
and he actually has some armor don compared to
our friend here who is just basically wearing
rags. But he stops for a second and goes, OK,
B .O .B. Yes. Man to man. I'm sorry. Goblin to
goblin. OK. I need you to hear me. I have heard
you. Right. But all of it. Everything. There's
a man named. There's a man named. No, I want
you to fill in the blank. Don't there is a man
named. Oh What is that game called? Hey, B. O.
B. on track. There is a man named. Gruzak. Very
good. Gruzak. And what do you not what? Treat.
He reaches into his pocket. I'll give you a treat
if you get it all. That's really hard. Okay,
listen closely then. Alright, I'm ready. Unless
you think you know it. Be able to begin to shake
it out. Okay. I am ready. Oh! Do you want me
to repeat it? Yes, please. There's a man here
looking for you who wants you to come forward
and admit what you did. Understood. Don't do
that. I won't. And if that somehow happens, it
won't do not agree to go with him. I don't know
what I did. What do you mean by that? Now I'm
getting worried. Well, you said this goes on
for 30 minutes. Eventually, he stops because
you're in the middle of repeating it poorly for
the 700th time and he grabs and he goes, we hope
you were right outside the cave and there's a
good chance someone can hear us at this point.
Please just be smart. I am. I am. Trust me, I'm
the smartest goblin I know. And you guys walk
into the cave and immediately as your eyes adjust
from the bright sunlight to the darkness of the
cave, you round yourself into the main corridor
and find that the bonfires are already blazing
and all of the goblins in this room are already
like. piss drunk drinking out of these like tin
jugs that you've never seen before in your life
across the room sort of center stage in the seat
next to where your chief or or Chief des it would
be a chief des because the Their hierarchy is
more like matriarchal. Okay. Well at the chief
des is table where you normally just see a Handful
of goblin women. Yeah all sitting there in their
wise Taller posture and alongside them at the
table for the first time ever is a male goblin
but this goblin is different his skin is tight
leathery and Almost orange where it gets flush
in the way that like an alcoholics nose would
get red It gets green and his eyes are that same
deep orange and a bit uncomfortable to look at
yeah, you see his right arm is Shiny and reflective
made of metal clearly As he inhales, it is a
bit haggard. He puts up that metallic hand and
waves it at the two of you as you walk in, and
his big goblin mouth opens to reveal golden teeth
that are almost checkerboarding his mouth. Not
perfectly, but it looks like he's replaced a
lot of them. You see his B .O .B. just waves
back to his waving hands. Hi. That's the guy.
Oh! as you see Gruzak get up and say something
that you can't hear to this group of women and
begin to cross the room towards you two. You
see your taller friend Hoarder begin to look
nervously around and grab one of the goblins
passing and hold him up real close and say, you
didn't sell us out, did you? And this goblin
looks obliterated as he just stares past him
and he goes. There was wine and a hoarder quickly
throws that goblin down, looks at you, B .O .B.
and goes, B .O .B., come with me, I just remembered.
And he grabs you and starts dragging you out
of the cave. I'm being grabbed and dragged to
the cave. And he drags you out of the cave, into
the woods, back into the sun. And he quickly.
brings you deep into the forest where it starts
to get a little dense. It's probably about five
minutes of running before he stops and he goes,
All right, B .O .B. listen. Okay. I brought you
out here because I need you to I need you to
go on a secret mission. To know what are the
books you always read? I've read a lot of them.
Oh, I need you to go save a princess. What? Yeah,
you know, I always want to be a hero. Oh, yes.
Every time. Well, every day I had a premonition
and you got to go that way. Here's a and he puts
his pockets and he hands you a small sack of
gold, a dagger, a small like a pack of rations.
Oh, yummy. That's what I just mouth. He shakes
his head, puts it. back into his pack and puts
it all over your shoulder. And he says, it's
really important that you go immediately, get
to the coast, just hide, lay low long enough
until I can get you details about where the princess
is. Until then, just get far away from here.
Okay. Princess coast. There's a chance you might
randomly hear my voice sometimes. That's a thing
called magic. You know what that is? No. Well,
you're gonna figure it out. Okay. If you get
on the boat, avoid any boats that say they're
going to quell. Don't. Boat. Quell. Okay. If
you find yourself in the fallow, be a nicer self
or people might hit you with a broom. What? It's
happened to me once, people, I mean. Why would
anyone want to hit me with a broom? It's not
a you thing, they just don't get it. Oh, okay.
Listen, we really don't have time for this. Okay.
I need you to go save that princess, all right?
Okay, I have one question. What? What is a premonition?
I really don't know how to tell you this. You
go ahead to town. It's just up the street. It's
called Cresh. Okay. Go to the docks. Okay. And
use your... Complex size to stow away on the
ship. All right, okay, and Then I will go rescue
the princess Okay, last thing and he lifts off
his necklace. He says take this Oh, I'll be able
to find you as long as you have it. I have so
many things now Yeah, congratulations. You're
very rich compared to where you had before I'm
gonna tell everyone I'm rich. All right, you
get going. I got to get back and see what that
guy needed Okay, tell him I said bye. I will
Can I keep that? And he points to your drawing.
Oh, OK. Goodbye, Art. I'll keep it safe, I promise.
I know. I'm just saying my goodbyes to Art. We
don't really have time for this, people. He's
like looking over his shoulder towards the gate.
I didn't really get to know you very well, but
you're going to have a really nice home with
Horter. He's treating me really nice and he'll
treat you nice too. Here you go. Thanks. And
he rolls it up and he looks awkwardly at you.
You never know how to interact with Hoarder because
he spent some times amongst humans. So his demeanor
is a little different than the rest of the goblins.
And he looks at you for a long second and then
his face gets wet suddenly. And you don't quite
understand why that happened. But then he goes,
I'll see you later. I think you're melting. Yep.
And he hurries off towards his cave as you head
down to the town of Cresh. Bye, Hoarder. Take
care of Art. I'm going to go rescue the princess
as I actually skip an actual skip away. You eventually
make it to town. There are a lot of humans. I
don't know how often you see humans. No. Do the
goblins ever eat humans? Oh. As you were marching
through the city every so often you see someone
stop and do a double take and just stare at you
Usually far away and they usually begin to take
a few steps away So it's kind of like the scene
from spider -man 3 when toby maguire is walking
down evil spider -man Yes, but much less menacing
It's more less dancing also a little bit of dancing.
Okay, so you're not as much arm rolls, but yeah,
it's just a Or maybe even the Leonardo DiCaprio
meme where he's You know doing that walk. Gotcha.
Yeah, he's just happily strutting Yeah, he's
just happily strutting a little dance to his
step humming a song so some people might look
at him and he gives him the Hello, and it continues
on and somebody else might say something and
he says good day Gotcha as he is imitates his
best. It does his best a human imitation. You
do all that. Hello. Good day Eventually someone
walks up to you. It is a very big man with dark
circles under his eyes And he's staring at you
very intensely and he says hey Hi You a goblin?
He looks down at himself Absolutely Nice Thanks
What you doing at the docks goblin? Oh And you
see BoB his eyes go very large for a second as
he's trying to piece together Everything he was
supposed to remember which to be fair was a lot.
Yeah as a player I don't remember Give me what
you got And just be clear for any other PC if
you were like, hey What what did we just have
a conversation about what was just said to me?
I will tell you Not you. Thanks. Yeah, for character
reasons. And B .O .B. is gonna say, I'm so glad
you asked. I'm here to save a princess. Save
a princess, huh? Yeah. And go to Quell. Go to
Quell? Is the princess in Quell? Yeah. Yeah,
I can get you to Quell. Oh, thank you. My services
cost something. Oh, okay. And, uh, you should
be careful. People don't really like goblins
around here. Oh, why? Something to do with the
people eating lately. Oh, yeah, that makes sense.
I don't. I actually, I, uh, I don't partake.
Is that so? As they say. A goblin that doesn't
eat people? No. So you're one of the good goblins.
I think all goblins are good. Yeah. Okay, good
goblin. Does people's diets mean that they are
good or bad? Yeah. Yeah, it does. Why don't you
come in there and I'll make sure you get to Quell
to see that princess. Okay. Thank you so very
much. As I put out a hand, Hoarder said, all
good deals and partnerships start with a handshake.
Uh, sure. And he puts his giant hand out compared
to yours and shakes that. Wow! Cool hand. And
he picks you up by your hand and shakes you to
hear how much money you have on you. He walks
you over to the docks and he says wait here and
he you see him go walk over to a guy and he points
back and he points towards this big ship that's
in the bay. It is this absolutely massive towering
structure. It's like the fantasy equivalent of
like a cargo shipping thing. So there's a lot
of crates and stuff already onto it and currently
being loaded onto it. I don't think I register
that as a boat yet. Great. And there is a water
structure. It is massive. Yeah, absolutely. And
there's a crane moving things that is being operated.
You see this man, your new friend finished up
his conversation and he comes back and he says,
Bad news. Oh no. The only way to get to Quell
is to pay 400 gold. Oh. You only have 45 here,
so they said they could cut you a deal and give
you the cargo special. Oh. Okay. Yeah. What does
that mean? You hop in our magic box here. Oh,
okay. And we close it. Okay. And then when we
open it. Okay. You're in Quell. What magic? Kind
of. Hoarder said there would be so much magic
on this trip. This must be it. I don't know what
to say. He opens a crate nearby. Don't say anything.
Hop on in. Thank you so very much for all of
your help. And I don't know your name. I said
don't say anything. Get out of the box. Oh. Thank
you. As I kind of like give his little like his
like his big leg. I'm little. His leg is big.
A little hug. And I hop in the box. Uh, he says,
uh, and, uh, the 45 gold. Oh, yeah, luckily I
have 50 gold as I hand him, uh, whatever's in
my pocket. Thanks. That'll cover it. You are
very welcome. He pushes your head and he closes
the box. It's, uh, not the smallest box in the
world, but it is dark. Eventually you do feel
your crate is being lifted. There's no response
to you make that sound luckily Thank you guys.
Yeah as you are Loaded onto a crane and then
moved onto a ship where you sit and there's still
some light coming through the slats of the box
for a while Before eventually you start to hear
a low hum followed by a high -pitched one and
then a gradual gradient from light coming through
to darkness. You still have your pendant to give
you light, but it seems like the top of the ship
was sealed, and the cargo below is now in the
dark below deck. After a enough time, it goes
pretty quiet. You stop hearing people moving
stuff around, and you are just alone in a box.
Cool. As I hear different hums, I try to match
tone with them. Okay as you do that as the mechanisms
were above you and You chime in and try and match
it eventually the mechanism stops you sit in
the dark, but you keep humming this I Can't do
it good, but you know over and over again And
eventually after 20 minutes straight of just
being an obnoxious little shit On that outward
higher hum Give me a perception check I can do
that. Oh, it's a 18 on the die, which means it's
18. You hear a very faint, but you just catch
it as you make your repetitive second high pitch
hum and stop. Your timing isn't robotic, so you're
a little early compared to the rest of the time.
And somewhere else on the ship, you hear a very
faint That ends just shortly afterwards Hello
Hmm, it sounds like maybe there's words, but
you can't tell from this side of the box. Hmm
Hi, I'm biobie Hmm Interesting Claude no, maybe
I was muffled. I didn't sound right Are you also
in a crate? Hmm. That makes sense. I am in a
crate as well. Hmm. Yep. I have only paid 50
gold for it. 45. Oh, that's right. 45 gold. Hmm.
Oh, you didn't pay for it. Lucky. That's okay.
I'll make more. I'm really good at finding gold.
You want to help me find gold? Mm -hmm stick
with me. You'll find all the gold Can you get
me out of here? Mm -hmm As you hear the whirring
of an engine begin to spin up and then you hear
the crunching of wood and then more crunching
of wood and then the shattering of items as something
heavy starts rolling towards you. And very delicately,
the front of a drill drills a very small hole
in the front of your box and then backs up so
that you can see outside of it. And you see a
broken oscillating drill that is kind of like
failing a little bit. Is it is it my boy dog?
What are you doing here? They threw me in the
trash. Oh Because I almost killed people. Oh
You know something similar happened to me Really?
Yeah Would you like to get out of the trash together?
I mean, it's kind of weird for a goblin to say
yes, but Yes delightful as the top of your crate
smashes open. The drill itself ejects from the
body of this large drill, just shattering the
part of your crate that you're not in. So I guess
the top doesn't fly off. back half of it just
breaks. It sends you spinning a little bit as
the crate scatters across the floor. But you
eventually crawl out of it and see this drill
looking pretty worse for wear. But you do see
in its wake, there is a lot of other rubble.
There is like torn metal, wood, cloth, all of
this different stuff. But it looks like on its
way to you, this drill demolished about half
the containers in this place. Doug, you don't
look so hot. I feel hot. I believe I'm overheating.
It appears that you're oscillating cooling systems
and your friction reduction port is not quite
working as it should. I'm not aware of those
systems. Neither am I, but I can fix it. Okay,
Garrison, we see, oh yeah, what do you look like?
Yeah, so you'll see normal gothic robes that
I would be wearing in this castle that is sort
of the attire I've been given. White hair, not
quite to the shoulders and whiter, almost greenish
undead skin. And I'm sitting in a slouched posture
facing away from the cell in this hallway. Got
your cells to your back. Red eyes kind of looking
intently at this new weapon. You still don't
even know if you should technically have it.
But you've sat there in almost complete silence
for the past few hours. Eventually you hear the
prisoner behind you stir no words, but you hear
them crawl closer as they are trying to observe
what you have in your hands. I guess you wouldn't
know that. but they do start crawling closer,
clearly trying not to make too much noise. But
you do hear her as she's about halfway across
the room towards you. I imagine just a subtle
shift to kind of look up a side glance kind of
thing. She's worse for wear. She's incredibly
gaunt or looking a bit brittle from all of the
time that she spent in captivity. She stops and
looks at you, not with fear, but in like waiting
to see what your next move is. I'll stop a save.
Yes. You're doing well. You fell enough. Sorry
to sneak up on you. Just keep your distance.
Right. What do you have in your hand? I kind
of like take a moment. Should I talk about it?
And I'm like, fine, yeah. I don't. Fully know
yet, but it is a item of great power of that
I am certain She looks at it in your hands and
looks you in the eyes and Seems to squint for
a second and she says I think I know what it
is impossible. I mean maybe She says, can I look
closer? As she lowers the hood and pulls back
her hair to reveal her elven ears, as she puts
on glasses that are broken at this point, one
side of them still has a lens in it, and she
looks at the thing in your hands and asks you
to sort of like bring it a little closer, but
she keeps her hands at her side. It goes clear.
Most other vampires are like stoic in the way
that they stand guard. They almost go into like
a trance like state. And if anyone gets close,
they wake up and pay attention. But you're the
only one who really suffers when they stand guard.
You don't have that luxury. But yeah, the coast
is clear. I barely know anything of this. How
would you know anything? Well, I know a lot of
stories and stories have weapons. Then what this
is? She takes a closer look and she says, the
dwarves wrote about this one actually. It's rare.
It belongs to a monster usually. I imagine you
got it from a monster. I got it from my superior,
the lieutenant. She seems tentative to make the
rest of that connection, but she seems to be
nodding and thinking that her suspicions were
correct. What kind of monster? I think you know
what kind of monster she says, seeming to have
liked your answer. I can't imagine he gave this
to you. It did seem to have some weight to it,
like perhaps he was hiding something from me.
It could be a trap. Yeah, it could be a trap.
She takes a small scoot away from the bars. Well...
If he comes in here right now looking for that,
am I gonna watch you get murdered? What would
you care? The new guard will be reassigned? No
different than me? Look around. The rest of the
guards stand there in a state. I can at least
tell you things. Even if you don't talk some
days, you'll listen most. I... I'm not so different
than them. If you insist. Do you mind if I tell
you a story to pass the time or are you focused
on staring at your new toy? I think I'll turn
away. But at the same time, I'll be like. Fine.
You hear her scoot to the. corner so she's not
like back -to -back with you on the bars but
she's where the bars end sitting in the corner
kind of like the one dead zone where you probably
can't see her so she stays a fair distance but
is on your side so she can hear or you can hear
her clearly but she knows to whisper so as to
not draw attention of these senses of the other
vampires and she says the story about that weapon
you haven't heard it The only reason I know about
it is me and a friend of mine were doing some
investigating amongst the dwarves. They had an
armory unlike anything we'd ever seen. And when
we found it scattered amongst the rest of the
weapons, the dwarves were actually using it as
a peg in a shelf to keep another axe up. He pulled
it off because he thought he recognized the runes.
And lo and behold, before he knew it, it was
jutting out of his leg in this steady stream
of blood. He was a genius. I mean, we found out
afterwards that activating a weapon like that
is near impossible for a mortal, let alone a
human. Anyway, I think those things are bad luck.
Because from that day on, nothing was quite the
same. Put me on this path to whatever this is.
These are usually more succinct. I'm sorry. And
she gets up and crawls to the other side of the
room and sits there quietly for a bit. And before
anyone can fix that awkward tension, you first
notice the demeanor of the other vampire down
the hall shift as his gaze turns 90 degrees towards
the door that leads to this corridor. And a few
seconds later, the vampire lord comes bursting
through the door in a quick but steady stride
with two of his guards standing right behind
him. As he marches down the hall, he stops in
front of you and he looks at you very blankly
and he says, do you mind standing out of the
way? I stand up and move. This is weird for you.
You don't usually have to do this part as the
guards grab their keys and begin to unlock the
cell that she's in. And her eyes get wide as
they dart to you for just a second before going
back to the ground. The two guards go in and
they grab her. She doesn't protest. Normally,
exsanguination is a Sunday. This is not what's
happening. Right. Well. It is today. Is there
a problem? No. Just... Great. Does she matter
to you? Not at all. Great. I'll be reassigned
elsewhere? From now on? Don't be so sure she'll
die. Elves are quite resilient. We simply just...
Well, we have guests coming tonight and they
prefer elf. Guests? What sort of guests? The
Underdark is deep, my friend. You don't need
to know all the going on. Move along. Go to your
quarters. You're done for the night. I'm done?
What about the guests? I can... You're right.
Finish out your post here. And he gestures for
the guards to take her away. She lets her head
hang as she is dragged away. I'm gonna try to
follow stealthily. Okay. Let me say this. You
would know that probably won't work with him.
Okay. I'm going to follow nonetheless. Great.
You go to the corridor and open the door and
he's standing there on the other side of the
door waiting for you to open it. And he says,
is there a problem? I like knowing that line
won't work at this time. I'm like, she told me
some things. I just perhaps it would be wise
to keep her. She has knowledge. Why don't you
come with me?" And he puts his arm around you
and starts leading you down the hall. You head
to a part of this castle that you've never seen
before. They take you downstairs, deeper and
deeper and deeper and then eventually past a
point where guards stand that don't let you go
lower. But since you're with the vampire lord,
they step right out of the way and you find yourself
in a sanguination. room. There is a single table
in the middle of the room with the woman laying
on it, unconscious but pale as all hell and he
says, hmm, that was fast. What do you mean? And
he walks up and he puts his hand on her neck.
First, he shows you his fingers to show that
she's bleeding and then holds it there for a
second more and then he looks at you and He shakes
his head and he says, Hmm. Bad luck. Unless you
think you can do anything about it. You know,
Vane. You are the only one that I can't compel
to act exactly how I want. And that was fun at
first. But now it's getting rather annoying.
And now we need to know how far you can push
it. So this is a good test. Turn her. Why? What's
need? I have... You carried her, right? Yes,
she meant something to me. Something. She was
something in these empty dreary holes. Then relax.
Bring her back to be just like you and you will
have forever... to enjoy each other's company.
It won't work. You haven't tried. I don't want
to. You're different than everyone else, Vane.
Prove to them how powerful you are. I, um...
I look around at it like everyone else in the
chamber and I'm like, leave. And I will try to
do what I can. The vampire lord looks at the
guards in the room and they turn and they leave.
But the vampire Lord makes no sign that he is
leaving the room. He stares at you Okay, well,
okay I walk forward I'm like I Understand that
my vampiric bite probably won't work But it's
the last possible chance that I have to save
someone from dying by making them undead I guess
I would bite her on the neck where her the wound
is or Near the heart either way. I'm gonna ask
you to pick one there hot shot heart makes more
sense because the center of the right blood Tim
pantomime, but that's her titty Out Good job
Tim more proud of you. You've said what we could
not you bite the woman and The only response
you sort of get from her body is when your teeth
enter her chest. The titty bone. Wow, that sucks.
It's real. Feel her gasp for a second at maybe
the pain before the last little exhale leaves
her throat and she goes still. The vampire lord
lingers in silence. You probably stand there
holding onto hope for one minute to and at the
Three minute mark, the vampire Lord says, shame
and turns and goes out the door. You're left
in this room with the corpse of this elf. Paler
than any living creature should be. I guess I'm
kind of like. Just kneel down beside the table
and just kind of sit there for a second. I feel
like I've. Been manipulated into this decision
and also That I've lost likes I've definitely
lost some Tiny bit of light that I could hold
on to and so I just sit there Waiting maybe maybe
this maybe just half hoping that something will
happen after five minutes There is a stirring
from the body above you and as you jump to your
feet and look her eyes are open Now this soft
pale red, as she looks at you wide -eyed, not
quite fear, but recognition, and she says, what
happened? I don't know if you're ready to hear
all of that. You're okay. That's what matters.
She looks like she's sort of getting her bearings
and trying to piece together everything that
just happened. She realizes that she's not. Breathing
and you see her kind of have a panic attack and
then stop when she realizes that drawing breath
begun is now optional to her. She looks at you
wide eyed and she looks at where she is and she
says. Now what? I don't know, I didn't expect
any of this. I didn't expect that to work. Did
he? What do you mean? You turned me. I guess
it worked. I thought it wouldn't, but you were
dead. You were like dead. She quickly starts
to like lift herself up off the bed, but she
seems a little feeble still as this change is
just something she's getting used to. And she
says, we have to go. You have to get us out of
here. The Lord will know anything we touch in
this place. We have to be fast. If he knows you
can do this, he'll kill you. He will kill me
in no matter what. But we have to try. Follow
me. Follow me. We will. I know the place. You
have to help her. She is pretty infuriating.
I obviously do. I don't say follow me, but I'm
like, oh, you can't. Oh, yeah. I'm very sorry.
Give me a self check. Casanova this time. All
right. 21. Great, you stick your head out of
the doorway of this room and you realize that
you're already kind of past the security. You,
with a 21 stealth, which is pretty good, are
able to start making your way back up the stairs
from where you came. When you hit the point where
the guards are supposed to be and they are no
longer there, you start to get a little bit emboldened.
And as you follow those corridors, it's pretty
simple before you find the... entire floor that
is dedicated to it's almost a nursery of these
flying bat creatures these massive saddle wearing
ready to go mounts that are four legged in the
weirdest way its back legs are almost like a
seal where they drag but it's got large bat wings
and can fly and you are able to get her onto
one and get yourself saddled in however as you
are boarding this thing you know for a fact that
The vampire Lord can track this it seems to listen
to you in a Way that is almost psychic. It can't
speak to you But when you get on to it and you
think okay, how do I go it begins to go that
bat is able to Direct you guys out of the under
dark through a series of tunnels and break out
into the actual night sky you are on an island
very quickly you are looking around and find
that there is ocean in every direction. The only
land you can see in all directions beneath you
is the island you just flew out of. She looks
around a little bit troubled and she says, if
we fly too long, they'll know exactly where we
are. We will get off this creature as soon as
possible, but we can't on this island. It's too
close. We'll try to find whatever we can. You
travel for a few hours in the dark before seeing,
almost like a beacon in the night, a single torch
floating above the water. And as your eyes begin
to focus on this visage in the distance, you
see that there is a small fishing vessel floating
in the water in the middle of nowhere. You begin
your descent as this bat rapidly flies towards
it, slowing itself at the last second and then
landing on the dock. On board, you see you scared
faces of old Haggard men baked by the Sun holding
up a lantern and They are looking at you wide
-eyed some of them swords in hand others befuddle
just flabbergasted. Oh what they're seeing and
they All just go dead silent as you climb off
this giant bat beast with this woman in tow she
is in and out. She's coming to every so often
with consciousness and then fading out. But right
now, she's not too good. She's kind of fading
out. But all these men are looking at you scared.
Quick question. Where are we? Hey, man. As you're
nudged awake, it's a very sudden nudge and you
feel a ringing in your head from the festivities
the night before. You are just barely getting
your surroundings. Everything is incredibly bright,
but you see instantly the familiar silhouette
of a new friend, but oh so dear to you, Colin,
because he's then letting you stay at his house,
despite you being fairly new acquaintances, for
a pretty fair amount of money. He says... Nice,
that's sick. Kyle has dislocated his microphone,
but we're back in business, baby. Anyway, man,
it's like 6 p .m. The sun's about to set again,
so can I get last night's rent? Wait, it's p
.m.? Yeah, it's the night one. The night one?
Yeah, it's the night one. I got you, man. He
expects 15 silver from you. He expects 15 silver?
So here's the deal. Get out your dice. Okay,
and give me a D 100 roll pretty pretty fair that
this will be above 15 right? Yeah, I like these
and this is your remaining winnings after all
of your gambling the night before and Whatever
you didn't spend on drink. Here we go. Here we
go. Oh 60, okay 666 silver so I have 66 silver
in my bag So I dig around for a while, but everything
is like all together and I have like trinkets
and like leftover food and shit What does what
does he say? Okay leftover? What kind of leftover
food are you like? Like nuts and non -perishable
things, you know, but just like whatever Pretzels
and shit. That's a lot of food Don't worry about
it, man. All right. You want some? Here. And
I offer it. Here, here. These are good. Yeah,
he takes it. He's like nibbling on it. He's like,
why did you ask me to cook for you yesterday?
Oh, a man cannot live by pretzels alone, brother.
Come on. Haven't you read the good book? Which
one's that? Don't worry about it. Don't worry
about it. I got your money right here and I'll
give him 20 silver. Oh, are you? There you go.
This is an extra five. This is how much? You
complaining? No, I guess not. Are you staying
here again tonight? All right, man, I'm going
back to sleep. Oh. All right. Doesn't argue because
you gave him five gold. About an hour later,
he comes back and he goes, hey, man, my nephew's
coming over and you can come back after like
two a .m. tonight, but I got to watch him. So
that's cool. That's cool. I got you. And I get
up and I. I'm I'm semi decent. I fold the blanket.
He gives me and I put it on the back of the Does
he have a couch? Yeah, you're sleeping on like
it's similar to a couch someone like a Put on
the back of your futon and I'm like, all right,
no wait up and I bounce right out I don't even
let him like answer back. How do you keep getting
in? I don't leave a key out. There's the fadeaway
question as you leave the room You Don't bother
to answer that question. It seems as you head
out into the city You are pretty far from home
at this point. The place you call home is on
the other side of an ocean You have been navigating
this side of the world with not a lot of notation
to places you have been, except for places that
you know you should not go back to. A lot of
small villages that know your name, and I personally
can get you that list later. We're not going
to go over all that right now. But currently
you are in a town called Mirth. Mirth. I know
that's from something. Is it Skyrim? I don't
know. No. Marth, I think you guys are Marth.
I think you guys are both wrong and maybe I'm
wrong too. But how's this spelled with a Y? It
looks like you're in the clear as far as Murth
goes. Nothing as far as copyright infringement.
Yeah, nothing is coming up. Great. Perfect. 6
p .m. Sun's going down. Some shops are closing,
but you do find like an inn that can get you
a pretty cheap meal. This is not the inn on the
close side of town. You have to walk to the far
side. You know well enough that the inn that
you just spent a night in is the number one way
to attract attention is to walk back in there.
So let's hit the other side of town and see what
we can get. For sure. You see a large dog -ish
looking man. If a man Was a bulldog and then
turned into a man and then got stuck in that
last like 2 % That's this guy. He gives you a
nod as you walk in and he gestures to any of
the open seating there's like four people in
this tavern total which is crazy because the
one you were at last night from 3 p .m. Till
4 a .m. There was Maybe like 90 to 100 people
who came through. So just four people chilling.
It's kind of weird I'll I'll sit a couple seats
away from guy at the bar. Okay, you three seats
over you got two seats left here, right? Yep,
you pull up and take a seat and this big guy
says wannabe Sorry didn't see it coming did you?
It did not Whatever's whatever's popular I guess
all right And he turns around and he uncorks
a bottle that has just a little bit remaining
of a dark brown liquid, pours a small shot of
it into a pretty large glass and slides it over
to you and says, that one's popular because it's
expensive. Five silver, please. Wow. You're quite
the entrepreneur, aren't you? And I hand him
five. Okay. He takes his five silver and he says,
enjoy your drink. And he slides a few feet over
to the other guy and starts a light conversation.
I'd probably try to listen in on the guy over
here for a little bit and see if maybe like if
I can butt in on the conversation because maybe
I can pay for some money. Gotcha. The bartender
puts his hand on the guy's shoulder who's like
staring down at his glass. And he says, you doing
all right still? Tell me do you still think do
you still think there's a tin man a few a few
towns over that's Tormenting everyone and he
looks down and he says Will you let me go if
I say yes? You can leave whenever you want buddy
I'm just gonna have to call the guards if you
run around like a madman screaming you can have
one more to settle your nerves But then you should
get going stranger and he looks over at you.
Have you finished your drink? It wasn't much.
Are you sipping? I'm sipping on it. Yeah, great
uh and he says don't mind him he's just a crazy
guy from the south and and i'll take the drink
that i had i'll shoot the rest and then i say
crazy is a matter of perspective isn't it i'll
buy his last one and i want whatever he's having
and i want to say that loud enough for him to
to hear me He looks over, you immediately clock
this guy is pretty drunk. Perfect. Very drunk.
Give him another. That's what I was hoping for.
The bartender, he looks over and picks up the
same bottle he poured from you and he holds it
up and looks at it and he's like, yeah, I could
probably get two more out of this. Give me the
next best thing then. You said you wanted what
he's having. Well, he is having what I buy for
him. So give him the next best thing. How about
that? It's different than what you said, but
all right. Do you want my money or not, bar guy?
Okay, he grabs the next best thing. This is going
to cost you five silver total. Perfect. He shows
you the price tag. That's why you know that.
And he looks good to me. Pours it in and he's
like, I don't know why you said one thing if
you want another. Puts it down. He takes your
money happily, but then looks down and returns
your five silver to you and says, if you can
get rid of him. From town you can keep this in
fact takes all the money you have you can keep
all of it like And I'll do one of these I mean,
I don't think you have to do that. No, okay Okay,
he's scaring all these people and the people
in this town are real excitable when they make
an enemy who? Okay, I could probably make that
happen and I take all the money put it back in
my bag. Okay cool And then the bartender goes
over to the other three and starts talking. Perfect.
I'll sip a little bit of that and then I'll move
a seat over and then I'll start a conversation
with this guy. He's not touching the drink that
the bartender set down for him. He's sort of
just like, sure, oblivious, sort of staring out,
not oblivious, but, you know, drunk. Sure, sure.
I'll scoot a seat over and say this place pretty
dead, huh? We're all going to be dead if we hang
out here. Man. OK, OK, that's. He was mocking
us the whole time. That's pretty heavy shit,
bro. Like, have you had have you had some of
this? Try this. This actually pretty this pretty
good. It's better than that other stuff. He's
charging five silver for men. I've had too much.
I think I'm going to be sick. Oh, OK. We don't
want you to be sick in here. Hey, let me help
you out a little bit and I'll and I'll get up
from my seat and and and try to put my arm around
him, even though I'm rather small. and try to
help him outside. Sure. He's stumbling for sure
as you lead him outside. Give me a persuasion
check. Sure. It's only gonna be 12. Not bad.
He's drunk. You're promising him help. 12 will
do it. He gets up and he starts to go with you
as you head out the door. He looks back and he
says, Oh, I have to pay for my drinks. And he
reaches for his pouch and starts shakily. He
doesn't have the coordination to really pull
the money out. I got you. I got you covered.
Don't worry. How much? Hand it to me and I'll
pay him. That's another persuasion check, buddy.
Which I assumed it would be. Hey, OK, we're chilling.
14. OK, yeah, he hands over his money. He says,
I got you. Can't be more than a gold. I got you.
I got you. No problem. So he handed me one gold
piece. No, he had to do his coin purse. He had
his whole coin purse. Yeah, because he can't
really undo the clasp to get it open. He was
struggling. So he handed it to you to open up.
So I was I say I got you and I set him by the
door. Be right back. And I open it and I put
one gold on the counter and I take a five or
six silver for myself. Give me a slight hand
roll. Come on. How many rolls you want me to
do to steal from this guy? You're really gaining
things here. I really am. I really am. Ha eight
total eight. Yeah, he's you said he was pretty
drunk. So you get maybe I fumble a little bit
and then I save it. Yeah, you're about to drop
it on the ground and you're you catch it before
it clatters to the floor. Yeah. Makes everyone
so you stop. You don't push your luck. You put
one goal down and put five into your pocket.
Nice. You close it up. That purse easily had
about 70 gold. Just what you eyeballed. That's
up to you. I don't want to, I don't want to,
I don't want to push it. The guy at the door
stands there. It's just sort of staring off into
the middle distance. Barely registered you there.
He looks at you like he's ready to leave and
nods. Right, right. So I set the goal on the
counter and I, and I say the bartender. Hey,
you were so chipper. Thanks so much. I'll definitely
be back tomorrow. And before he can respond,
I'm out. I'm gone. You bring this man into the...
You're on the outskirts of Mirth. Realistically,
if you go right down this street, you will be
walking back into town. If you go left, you'll
be walking towards the woods. Let's get you home,
stranger. Where do you live? I'm not from here.
Not from here? No, I'm... My crew, I'm from Quell.
Quell? Yeah. I don't know what that is, but okay,
how do we get there? Let's go. Let's get you
home. Do you have a boat? Do I have a boat? Do
I look like I have a boat, guy? Come on. I have
a boat. You have a boat? Yeah. Okay. Okay, Mr.
Mr. Fancy Pants Rich Guy. Do you live on the
boat or what's the deal? If we can get back to
the dock in... Cresh. It's a bay to the south
right before that. The fallow crash. I don't
know if I like you that much to take you all
the way there, buddy. Which way are you going?
Wherever, wherever, wherever I feel like. I mean,
I can I can help you home. Call it a I'll just
make up a word here. Call it an Uber. I'll help
you home now for for a couple of gold pieces
if you like, because I don't know if you're going
to get home by yourself like this. Do you have
a wagon or a horse? A horse? Who do you think
I am, George Clooney? No, I don't have a horse.
Like, let's let's just walk. We can't walk. Oh,
and he sighs as he reluctantly and drunkenly
starts following Chipper, you who woke up an
hour ago. True, true. And I say this will help
your drunkenness a lot more than riding on a
horse will, trust me. As he begins to follow
you. And you are heading south towards creche.
Okay, how how long a trip is this on foot on
foot? I'm a rabbit three weeks three fucking
weeks Maybe that in between town a horse sounds
real good. Yeah, that's true That's fucking hilarious
you're like halfway to that first stop and you're
like Horse was a good call. You know what? You
know what? That works, though. I think that's
as simple as it needs to be. Our session one
will be concluding and getting to crash. Let
me write that down before I forget. Yeah, that's
fine. If we stop and buy a horse or steal a horse
or seduce a horse or whatever. It'll be a week
if you do it by horse. Perfect. Let's do that.
You buy the horse he's buying the horse now,
but that means you don't get the gold right now
You can keep the horse at the end if you want
this fine you buy the horse Okay, the horse is
gonna cost 50 50. Yep horses Can I bargain with
the horse seller guy you can give me? You can
tell me what you might you want to do the horse
scene If you want to do the horse scene and you
roll a good persuasion check, of course, you
can yeah I want to do the horse scene. Yeah,
you guys head to the far side of town where you
came in when you got here You swing into that
stable, it looks like they are starting to all
sit down for dinner as you walk up. You see a
family of four sitting around. The man setting
down a large pig that's been cooked, ready, looking
delicious for his family. The mom made sides
and he's putting his napkin on his lap and you
strut up to his front door. Hey, what's for dinner?
He looks out the open window and he says, oh.
For dinner, we're having pork. Can we help you?
Smells good. You still open for business? Pork
business? No, horse business tonight. But I'll
take some pork business if you give it to me.
It's kind of after hours, buddy, but I can always
use the money. And I open the coin purse and
I say, I got money. Don't you worry. looks at
his family, he goes, I'm so sorry. And he I turned
to Forrest Gump on that one. And he gets up from
the table and looks at you and points around
to the left side of the building, gesturing to
go to the back as he heads around and opens a
gate. And I tell, what's this guy's name from
the bar? Have you asked? You're going to be OK
if you wait. You wait right here. Uh, What's
Your Face? Waiting sounds good. I want to sit
down. Okay, your name is What's Your Face, right?
It's Mark. Mark. Okay, Mark. That's a good name.
Suits you. And I ruffle his hair. You stay here.
I'm gonna go get us a horse. Don't worry about
it. And I leave him at the front because I don't
want him... fucking up my stuff here. So you
go around the side. He stays at the front door,
not to fuck up your stuff. And the side gate
is opened as he lets you onto his property and
walks you back to the separate stables. And he
says, what you looking for? Fast horse, sturdy
horse, tiny horse. We got to go pretty far. And
there's just the two of us. Just the two of you
on the same horse? Yeah, maybe I'll ride on his
shoulders. What's it to you? Right. Sorry. I
think I had some bigoted thoughts there that
I just a little bit. But that's OK. That's all
right. Just work on those microaggressions, buddy.
I got a rabbit can share a horse. That's fine.
I need to remember that's fine. My wife's trying
to make me better. That's good. Thanks for your
patience. You got a good wife. Mostly. Anyway,
if you want. Nancy is pretty quick, not the quickest,
but you don't look like you're super flush with
gold. Tell you what, I'll part with Nancy for
a cool 20. Cool 20 gold? Yes, sir. Nancy's horse
is a hot commodity around here. 20 gold around
here? When I can walk just a couple hours into
town and pick up a horse for 12 to 15? You can't
do any better than 20 for me. I know it's late.
I'm sorry. I know it's late I was having dinner
with my family you were you were about to you
were close not quite But we don't have to talk
about dinner. We're talking about horses here.
All right. Tell you what give me 15 gold 15.
Yeah, honestly, that's very generous. Listen
listen. Thank you. Listen, I'll give you 16 I'll
give you 16 just because you put yourself out
So thank you so much. You got it. He takes your
16 gold. I give him 16. And he says, all right,
here's Nancy. You need a saddle? Do I? I've never
actually ridden a horse before. I kind of just
get around by myself. You've never ridden a horse
before? No, how hard can it be? It's just like
in the. I can't say movies, can I? Give me that
extra four gold and I'll I'll get you a saddle
and all the rigging. All right. All right. Fine.
And I give him the extra four. You now have a
horse named Nancy. That's yours. He says, any
other business before I go eat pork with my family?
No, go pork it up, big guy. Thanks so much for
taking me. I was going to say something like
that, but my family at the end made it feel wrong.
Come on, man. You got to be who you are. Don't
let your family dictate. Don't change who you
are for them. They should love you for who you
are. I don't know why marriage counseling. I'm
out of here. Thank you again. And I leave. Hang
on, I'm borking it up. Great, you bring your
horse around. As you hear him go off to the back,
you know that you have the shorter route here.
You see his wife whip her head around as he shouts,
I'm going to bork it up. And she looks at her
kids and she shakes her head virulently. And
you hear her go, I told you. As he comes back
in and they pretend to be happy again. Oh, oh,
my God. All right. All right. What? I bang on
the window. OK, before he gets inside the house.
So as he's coming, they put on their like straight
face and you immediately bang on the window.
So he's not quite. Yeah. Yeah. And they all whip
their heads and look at you scared. And I go,
love that man. Give me an intimidation roll?
Is that what this is? If that isn't, I don't
know what it is. I don't have proficiency in
intimidation. Come on, babe. I need a good roll.
You have advantage. 12. You have advantage. Come
on, that was sick. Now, now 20. You just saved
a marriage. Let's fucking go. You watch a deep
shame wash over this woman as she hangs her head
for a second and Sticks her hand out in both
directions and forces her children to hang their
heads And You you know in that moment that they're
gonna be all right, and I don't need it I don't
need to see anything else and I'm out great better
figure it out now trying to figure out how to
maneuver a horse and he goes Have you ever done
this before? How hard can it be? Well, I feel
like I'm gonna fall off with every step it takes
and it keeps stopping. Actually, before I make
that assumption, why don't you give me a animal
handling check? Come on, baby. Okay, I can dig
it. 14? Okay. It's mostly understanding your
commands. It's maybe a little bit of a rough
ride. And I say, I think you're gonna live. Oh,
yeah, he gets quiet. He offended you. And as
the ride goes, you do get better as you sort
of start to figure out how to ride a horse. Nice.
You. Sorry, I went to public school. I'm trying
to write this. Nice. Very good. Let's see. Cool.
So we're so just to put a cap on it, we're we're
on our way to crash. OK, did you ever. Ask that
guy his name or you saw his mark. Oh mark Mark.
Oh, you're right. Mark was a horse dealer. No,
no, I don't I don't give a fuck who the horse
dealer's name is. You fixed his life. What's
your character? Yeah, I don't need to know his
name. My character's name is Chris. What's he
look like? Give us that. Give us a quick. Yeah,
yeah. Chris is a medium build harangone. He's
like. Maybe three foot five. That's so cute.
Yeah, he's his the top of his head is three foot
five But his ears stick up about a foot. So he's
about four foot five effective He's gray. How
long do heron guns live? Oh my god. What an awful
question What's their what's their lifespan?
What an awful question? It's just how long do
do rabbits live? Probably not very long not very
long But he's a humanoid. I don't think it's
gonna be in the Over a hundred years. Over a
hundred years? Yeah. So he's early 40s. Young
man. Youngish man for his for his species. Yeah,
he's like early 40s, which in human perspective
is like early 30s effective, I guess. He's got
a little bit of like white detail, like on his
face. that kind of makes it look like he's got
a little bit of facial hair and not like raggedy
clothes, like not like homeless looking, but
kind of raggedy. And whatever, get the job done.
I wear my long bow around longbow and quiver
around my around my body. And I think I've probably
got a kind of not. I was trying not to do like
a New York thing, but it kind of slipped into
that a little bit. So maybe I just commit to
that. I like it. So, yeah. We're gonna put you
in a coastal town and You are sitting on a fairly
comfortable cot It actually feels like the best
mattress you've laid on since you left home and
there is a woman standing over you and they have
painted you with different mosses and concoctions
that they have made from different pastes and
living creatures, excrement, blood, things like
that. This is a ritual that you... Think maybe
went into with very little faith and as you're
sitting here getting painted with various pastes
You're starting to feel a little bit like an
idiot But this kind person really seems to think
that their treatment will work so they wrap up
with this Simba esque wiping a reddish pace across
your forehead in a horizontal line and they take
a step back and smile and they say You are cured
There you go. I'm gonna be a real boy Soon, yes?
I'm sure your hair will stop fluttering. Yeah,
it floats sometimes. Also, hey, these beds, we
get to keep these after, right? Oh, I need the
bed for other patients. I can't just give away
my bed. Oh, it's a little better than the rocks
I've been on. Oh. Hey, this wash is off, right?
And I'm pointing at the paint. Yeah, after you
sleep one night, you can wash it off. Yes, okay
You can stay the night here in this bed in this
bed. Yes. Oh great. Okay. Yeah, it just smells
kind of cow we The the blood I think it's cow.
I'm starting to think you might need extra help.
Oh Like like more people will come hang out.
Oh, no, I think my magics might not be quite
potent enough for someone like you. This usually
starts showing some sign of working by now. Oh,
so like I'm just too heroic? Mm -hmm. That's
potentially it. Cool. Yeah. Yeah. Awesome. Have
you considered making your way across the ocean
to Quell? You'll probably find a lot more answers.
A lot more tough, too, I'm sure. Well, I wouldn't
say I'm the strongest swimmer, but... You can't
afford, I mean, there's some grueling journeys,
but for probably 15 gold, if you save your money,
you can make your way across the sea. How much
was this thing again? How much did this cost?
Cost? It seems we have misunderstood our relations.
You know, this face painting's been great but
I... Go ahead. Give me a persuasion check. This
is a very interesting persuasion. Yeah, this
is. Eight. She nods and she says, well, I'm not
paying you. Okay. And the fee should... It should
be five gold, but I will take whatever you have.
You said, uh, five? That's what it's fully cost,
yes. Okay, okay. Tell you what, play you a game
of checkers, and we'll drop it down to four.
Like if you win checkers? No, just for playing.
Like with me. Am I paying a goal to play checkers
with you essentially? It's the friend discount.
I don't think you understand money. Oh, I don't
think you understand friends. Yeah, she fails
her wisdom save and raises her hand up to hit
you and stops and goes, I lost my cool. I high
five her. I almost lost my cool again. You can
stay here for the night, but when the sun comes
up, I want you gone. I will not be playing checkers.
Oh, is there anyone here that would? No. Oh,
I recommend if you really want to be free of
this ailment, you should head across the sea.
Because I don't think the magics here can help
you. Unless you're willing to go find the person
who made you like this. Yeah, I've been trying
actually about that for quite some time. You
know, on second thought, maybe you don't have
to go all the way to Quell. Does going into the
Fallow kill you? I haven't really tried. Okay.
Well, you should try. How about this? In town
here, you'll find a small building with a wilted
plant outside. The door will be open. Stay there
for the night. There's a man who comes by and
helps people like you. But be warned, if he doesn't
like something he sees, he won't address you.
Okay, uh, two questions. Uh... Hold on. Even
you talking to her is testing her patience. She
got a nat 20. Fine, two questions. Yes, okay.
How are their beds? I don't know. One more question.
She walks through the door, she opens it, and
she's standing outside and leaning her head out
just so that she's... Gone. This second, this
is over. You said sometimes he doesn't like what
he sees. Can I shower? I say kind of looking
down at all the stuff she put on me. He won't
need to look at you to see. And she closes the
door. You are alone in this room. You are looking
around at the various jars and herbs and oils
that... Fill this room all fairly organized.
It looks like she usually does do a good job
of cleaning up But right now her mission was
not being in that room anymore So here you are
free bed for the night in a odd place Where you
know that your only requirement stay here is
to get gone first thing in the morning anything
before you Sleep in this comfy comfy bed are
you said there's like a bunch of jars and stuff
Yeah, I would just like go around open them like
sniffing them a little bit cool Give me a D100
roll. 85. Nothing quite funny. You end up hopping
through smelling a few different of the vials.
Some smell like pine, some sweet, some make your
mouth taste sour instantly. As you pull away,
I think you stop after you hit one last jar that
makes your eyes water because it reeks. It is
completely disgusting. And if you look at it,
it says four fluid ounces necrotic ooze. Rancid
I'm gonna like tight the lid like super super
tight. I'm gonna close it and then like hide
it under the bed Okay, great. Perfect. And then
I'll wrap myself up like super cocooned and enjoy
the bed. Great. Perfect You head to bed for the
night when you wake up the next morning. Are
you? Done any more business. Well, she said to
go to the the house with the wilted plant, right?
So I would I would before I leave I'd make the
bed Very nice, and I would leave six gold on
the bed nice and is there any of like the face
paint or like blood or anything left yeah it's
yeah it's all still out i would i would grab
it and on the bed i would write on the bed sheet
with whatever i could find i'm gonna write for
my friend with a smiley face and then i would
leave pointed to the goal you made the bed just
to do that huh i love it this party's gonna go
far walking from one side of the town to other
is gonna take you maybe even hours, but when
you eventually make that walk over, you end up
at this house with the wilted plant. You walk
up to the front door and it unlatches and opens
right up. You turn and head inside. As you step
in and close the door, you are just left to a
very humble home with a single ye olde futon.
and a range. There are preserved goods and jars
that look like you could eat some jams and hardtack
breads that are available. It's nothing lavish,
but it's food if you're starving. I'm going to
be like, hello, sir, ma 'am, whoever's here.
You might want to water that plant out front.
Also, hi, I'm Blink. Silence. I'm gonna start
investigating. Just going around checking all
the rooms and stuff. Cool. You head upstairs,
you find books, you find small simple games.
More fun if there's people to play them with.
You find a deck of cards and you find a set of
dice. Like a big old trunk of a bunch of like
six -sided dice. Aside from that there's not
a whole lot going on in this house. There's one
bed upstairs in the bedroom that is stripped
of sheets except for one thick fur blanket. I
put my hand down on the mattress and I feel how
comfortable it is. It's alright. It's half as
good as the one you just slept in, but better
than the floor. She told me to sleep here for
the night, right? Yeah. Okay. In fact, I think
there's a note opposite the door when you walk
in that says feel free to lock the door. Before
I do that... I would go down and grab some of
the jams and make a little sandwich. And then
I'd bring it up and play some dice by myself
for a little bit. Eating hard tech and sour berry
jam. It is good. It's just a little funky. It's
like if you made cranberry jam a little bit.
It's not the best, but they've added enough sugar
that it's okay. So you eat these messy sandwiches
and play some single games of Yahtzee. Well,
with 40 dice, that's pretty easy. I would maybe
try to find like a extra rag or something and
wipe some of the dried blood off of me. And then
I would eventually curl up in the little bed
and sleep not as good as last night, but like
a little baby. Thanks to everyone who made it
with us to the end. We all only have so much
time on this planet and I'm grateful you're willing
to share it with us. Big thanks to Chandler Watt
for use of our theme song and to Chris for our
lovely art. And we'll make sure you get a link
in our episode description for Chris. More shenanigans
can be found on Patreon. We're working on even
more cool stuff to share with you guys over there.
Until then, we'll have more updates soon, but
we'll see you in episode one. Just so you know,
I'm picking rock.