Hey guys and welcome back to the salt not sweetener
Podcast I am your host Danielle Townsend and
I hope y 'all are having a wonderful Week and
I just want to start this episode with praying
that the Holy Spirit guides me today Holy Spirit
guide me Lord speak through me and pour out Fresh
revelation on those who are listening to this
episode I pray that there is a renewal in people's
spirits and that there are people who are freed
today in Jesus name y 'all this topic Isn't like
the easiest topic for me and the topic we're
going in on today is shame and How we can like
break free of that shame and keeping things in
the dark and keeping things hidden. I know that
I am not alone in this. That's one of the enemy's
best tools is shame, right? That's the way that
the enemy keeps us bound. That's the way that
he prevents us from turning pain into testimony.
I share testimony with y 'all a lot. on here.
I share testimony with y 'all about when I was
in new age. I share testimony with y 'all about
like some of the lowest places in my life. I
share testimony with y 'all about like times
where my mental health was in the toilet. I share
testimonies about just like when I was not a
good person. And a lot of these things I share
with y 'all are things that other people would
keep buried. Like they would never ever ever
want to share publicly. And there was a time
in my life when I never, ever, ever wanted to
share these things publicly. There was a shame
with it. There was an embarrassment with it.
I remember when I started talking about my sobriety
convictions. It was a long time coming for me
to talk about that. That's something I kept hidden
and kept to myself. I didn't want people to know
I struggled with that. I didn't want people to
know these things because I wanted people to
look at me in a certain light and I knew that
when I opened the door and shared those things,
that could shift the way people view me. That
could open up the door for people to twist the
narrative. I felt like it was protecting myself
and keeping all of these things buried and hidden.
But what the Lord really revealed to me is in
keeping these things buried and hidden, He can't
use them to help other people. They're not a
testimony if you refuse to share them. I feel
like a lot of people use the word testimony Kind
of like in the wrong context, right? I've heard
a lot of people say well, this is testimony for
me or this is testimony or this is but Testimony
is something that glorifies God. I want to start
off with that testimony doesn't glorify yourself
Your strength your ability to get through testimony
from God glorifies God. It's not your hand that
did it. It's God But a testimony is often pulled
from something that was like shameful, embarrassing,
or something that looked unwinnable. Testimony
is something where it's like no one but God,
right? God redeemed it. God delivered victory.
God turned it around. There are all different
kinds of testimonies. I want to be so clear testimony
doesn't glorify yourself. or your own strength.
Testimony glorifies God. And testimony isn't
hidden. There are some people who call it a testimony,
but then they keep it hidden. They don't want
to share it with anyone else. And who's that
helping? Who is that helping? I remember when
I gave my life to Jesus, He made me a big promise
where He said, all this pain that you're facing
right now, all of these missteps all of these
mistakes I am going to turn this into testimony
and you're going to use it to glorify me one
day and I'm going to open up doors that you could
never open up for yourself through you sharing
this testimony but that required me to put shame
aside that required me to put embarrassment aside
and let me tell y 'all it was a process it wasn't
night and day it wasn't like the next day I was
ready to go and share everything the Lord took
me through it little by little cracking my shell
because I had a long history and it was really
ingrained in me from a child not to share things
and I know that there are other people who relate
to this there were some very strong I don't even
know if I want to call them values instilled
in me as a child you know one of them was you
got yourself into it you get yourself out of
it You know, I had some figures in my life that
were supposed to be the ones that, you know,
you could go to when you mess up and they help
you figure it out. But the reaction I often got
out of them was you got yourself into it, you
get yourself out. And kind of left me to my own
devices. Like from a young age, I kind of learned,
okay, I have to figure it out myself. Or on the
opposite side of that, if they did help me. They
would shame me and guilt me the entire time,
like, I shouldn't have to help you. Well, you
know, you should have done this, you should have
done that. I was definitely like the worst critic
for myself growing up. And I'm sure a lot of
y 'all can relate to that, right? Where anything
anyone is beating you up with, you've already
beat yourself up like 10 times more. I already
beat myself up like a million times over before
I would go to those figures in my life. But I
had learned from a young age that if I take these
problems to them I'm either going to get told
to deal with it myself or I'm going to get criticized
and ridiculed the entire time they're helping
me fix it and then for months and years after
they're going to continue to bring it up and
remind me of it. So I learned from a very young
age like unless it's absolutely dire figure it
out myself because I don't want to deal with
that and that that was one one way that shame
played a role in my life and I pray that as I'm
sharing this testimony with you all today that
you're able to identify it in your life. I really
do pray that this is going to be a healing episode
for many of you who are listening to this who
might not even realize how deep the shame goes
or the people -pleasing tendencies go because
I feel like we're going to touch on a lot. Alright,
but when I look back I notice that is one of
the big ones and What happened from that is it
instilled a hyper independence in me and instilled
a survival mode in me That was really hard for
God to break off of me years later a lot of my
testimony when I first gave my life to Christ
was me just surrendering my plans to God and
There were some things I had to wait on God to
provide me for that I didn't think I was ever
going to be able to surrender to it And that,
everyone's testimony is different. Like everyone,
when they come to Christ, the things that they're
laying down, the things that they need to surrender,
everyone's looks a bit different. And for me,
a big thing was my hyper -independence and my
need to control. But that was something I had
been doing from a young age. And I see how that
was instilled in me from shame. I was shamed
into recognizing, and shame comes from the enemy,
shame comes from the devil. Right? And he unfortunately
shamed me through people who were supposed to
be comforting people in my life. And two, you
have to figure it out by yourself and do it by
yourself. And honestly, when I was 13, 14 years
old, I've shared this with you all in past testimonies,
I learned how to deal with my emotional problems
through drinking and smoking. I learned how to
deal with my, like I felt like I wasn't getting
the love, the unconditional love and everything
from... the figures in my life I felt like I
was supposed to, so I was looking for it in relationships.
I was looking for it in online attention. The
things I did later on in life that I was also
shamed for, you know, I was shamed for... I was
called many names. I was called a lot of different
things for the way I presented myself and the
way I moved through life in trying to get attention
and trying to get love. But when I root it back,
all of these things came from a place of shame,
right? And then all they do is create more shame.
That's the interesting thing, is the enemy will
present you with something that looks like a
solution to your problem or a way out, and it
just keeps you stuck more in the cycle. You know?
The enemy created kind of that space for me to
feel ashamed and seeking validation from other
places. And then when I go and seek validation
from those other places, the enemy doubles me
down in more shame. And it's like a continuous
cycle. Right? And it's like he helps you to dig
yourself deeper. And that's why I've said in
the past, y 'all, that sin looks like freedom
until you try to leave. Once you try to leave,
you see just how much it has you bound and shackled.
And another thing that was very shameful for
me, I didn't realize until I was much older,
is there is a part of me that cares, and I know
there are other people who dealing with this
too, where you care about other people so much.
You care about like limiting the drama, limiting
the conflict, that like you protect people that
shouldn't be protected. I'm someone who ended
up doing that like my whole life, especially
in my childhood and my preteen and my teenage
years. I protected people. That shouldn't have
been protected why mean by that were there were
things I should have spoke up about There were
things I should have been more vocal on But I
wasn't There were things that I witnessed people
doing there were things that people would say
to me there are ways that people treated me I
Didn't say anything because I didn't want their
lives to be affected There are people close to
me that the way that they spoke to me and the
way that they treated me I'm like dang if other
people know you spoke to me and treated me this
way. They probably wouldn't want to be friends
with you They probably wouldn't say you're the
best They would probably start recognizing why
I act the way I act You know what when I stayed
silent it kind of allowed people to form whatever
views about me and from the outside Looking in
I was a troubled kid that just wanted to go out
and party and smoke and drink and do all these
things and uncontrollable wild child but if I
had been really vocal about what I wasn't receiving
and What I was witnessing and what I was receiving
Some people might have actually started to understand
the situation differently and they would have
looked at the people in my life differently and
A part of me knew that And I want to be very
clear that was told to me from a young age. Hey,
don't tell anyone about this Don't say I said
this don't say I did this I was kind of made
clear to me that the way other people perceived
us was important. And if I said these things
out loud, if I told other people, they would
be perceived differently. But then a part of
me was also made to feel like the things I was
seeing and the treatment I was receiving, I was
deserving of and it was normalized. To me, it
was normal. So there was a big part of me that
didn't think there was any point in saying anything
because I felt like I deserved it and I felt
like it was normal. A lot of these things were
emotional and mental and it's really hard to
y 'all identify things that are emotional and
mental. Like it's really hard for you, especially
people who don't recognize patterns. There were
times when I would try to bring it up and people
would look at me like I was being dramatic. or
like I was being a little crazy or to give other
people grace and these were often people who
didn't recognize patterns who didn't recognize
mental emotional I It's hard for me to call it
mental emotional abuse, but like that's what
it is, right? It's hard so there was also a rejection
right of when I would bring that up It would
get rejected and I would learn not to bring it
up again. I say this all of these things The
common denominator here the common factor is
shame, right? And For so long I didn't see that
these things were keeping me bound My refusal
to bring things into the light Was keeping me
bound and there's someone who needs to hear this
today that your refusal to bring things to light
is going to keep you bound? How can God use it
if you refuse to speak about it? How can you
be forgiven if you refuse to confess it? Amen.
How can you heal it if you refuse to identify
it? And I'm going to read some scripture to y
'all. Because this was the scripture the Lord
guide me to yesterday morning and when I prayed
on scripture What are we gonna pull in today's
podcast? This was it. It was James 5 Starting
in verse 13. I'm in the she reads truth study
Bible, which is the CSB and it says is anyone
among you suffering He should pray is anyone
cheerful. He should sing praises. Is anyone among
you sick? He should call for the elders in the
church and they are to pray over him, anointing
him with oil in the name of the Lord. The prayer
of faith will save the sick person, and the Lord
will raise him up. If he has committed sins,
he will be forgiven. Therefore, confess your
sins to one another and pray for one another,
so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous
person is very powerful in its effect. Elijah
was a human being as we are, and he prayed earnestly
that it would not rain, and for three years and
six months it did not rain on the land. Then
he prayed again, and the sky gave rain, and the
land produced its fruits. My brothers and sisters,
if any among you strays from the truth and someone
turns him back, let that person know that whoever
turns a sinner from the error of his way will
save his soul from the death and cover a multitude
of sins. this was the part that really stood
out to me for this episode today y 'all which
was therefore confess your sins to one another
and pray for one another so that you may be healed
in my walk with Christ there are things that
I thought were healed already That in sitting
down with the Lord and him kind of bringing them
up. I realized oh, no that hasn't been healed
I've just learned how to live with it I've just
learned new ways to cope with it. I've just learned
how to bury it. I've normalized the effects of
it and I know this is something that they talked
about kind of like in psychology For those of
y 'all who didn't know when I was in college.
I stayed psychology. I planned on being Well,
my majors were social work with minors in psychology
and counseling, but I really wanted to be a counselor.
I really wanted to go more in that direction
with it at the time. But I also went to a lot
of counseling growing up. And one thing that
was very prevalent was Identify it and name it
so that way you can work on it and that's something
I've actually seen the Lord really do in my life
Right is you can't heal it or identify if you
like you can't heal it if you don't name it and
identify it first Like you can't heal The people
-pleasing tendencies if you refuse to acknowledge
that you're people -pleasing if you keep brushing
away and defending it and normalizing it. The
first step after just like naming it is like
you gotta stop normalizing it. You gotta stop
making excuses for it and accept that it's something
that can be worked on and bettered. I feel like
we, and I'm speaking from personal experience
y 'all, like we sometimes hit like kind of a
healing burnout or like a growth burnout or like
isn't this just good enough? And we want to just
make peace with who we are and where we are and
say, I don't want to do anymore. I'm good enough.
I'm better than who I used to be. Isn't this
good enough? And I have hit those times with
the Lord where I'm praying out to him and say,
how much more work do you need me to do? How
much more healing do you expect from me? How
much more growth? And then he reminds me that
this whole life is a sanctification process.
And until I die, there is going to be things
that can be grown and shifted and changed I'm
never going to be like the best version of myself
that is for after Jesus comes back and that is
that's not something I can do myself and I know
that there are other people out there who feel
this way who are like What more does God expect
from me? Well, at least I'm not doing this anymore.
At least I'm not doing that anymore. Do I really
need to improve this? Or people who claim it
and own it and say this is just who I am. And
there is no getting better. There is no growth
here. That's a lie. That's a lie of the enemy
and stop coming into agreement with that. The
power of like life and death lies in the tongue.
And I want to differentiate, you know, New Age
ran with that. and calls it manifesting and says,
you can speak whatever you want to exist. No,
no, no, no. And that's not what we're talking
about here. But what I will say is what you speak
is what you start to believe. And if you start
putting your belief that you are unable to be
healed and you are unable to be restored, and
this is just who you are when God tries to speak
restoration to you. you're not going to put your
faith in it. You're not going to believe it.
And when you continue to come into agreements
with lies of the enemy, which is that this is
just who you are, this is just the way you are,
when you continue to come into agreement with
his lies, you're giving him access to keep you
bound. Stop agreeing with the devil and start
rebuking. Right? That was one of the first steps
after giving my life to the Lord. He had me be
very thoughtful of what I speak out loud, like
what I come into agreement with. Like stop saying
bad things about myself. Stop calling myself
stupid. Stop calling myself unworthy. Stop calling
myself all these things and start reminding myself
of who God says I am. Stop calling, stop coming
into agreement with all these things and start
Coming into agreement with what God says because
he is the truth. Jesus is the way the truth the
life We have the truth right here in the bible
start coming into agreement with that And there
is such an importance In like Confession I know
we're jumping from naming things and healing
it to confession but this is the direction i'm
feeling led in to confess your sins to one another
now i was raised roman catholic for those of
y 'all who didn't know so i was raised confessing
like to a priest i was raised recognizing in
my religion i was taught that confession was
very important i personally however didn't prioritize
confession as a kid i only went when it was like
absolutely kind of mandatory like before um Obviously
like my first communion go to confession before
confirmation go to confession and in that in
-between period it was really not something I
Prioritized but I think it's also important for
us to note that I didn't have a Serious relationship
with Jesus at that time. I was Christian in name
or Catholic in name but in my heart I wasn't
surrendered to Christ. I didn't have a relationship
with Christ. So therefore the things that would
bring me closer to Christ, I didn't prioritize.
I did my own thing. It was very clear where my
faith was based off of my works and the fruits
I was producing that weren't Christ -like, right?
But confession is so important. Confessing your
sins to one another. And you know, the way I
personally Because you know now I attend a non
-denominational church I see the importance of
confessing my sins out loud and I'm more now
when I confess my sins It's just someone a brother
and sister in Christ that I trust who at this
time like I confess to if that's my pastor if
that's you know, I have a couple people that
Again brothers and sisters in Christ and close
with that when I'm in conversation all admit
to him Hey, I've been thinking this way and I've
been feeling this way And I just I know I need
to say it out loud. I was actually having that
conversation last night though. I was on the
phone with someone and I was talking about a
couple of different wrestles I was dealing with
and I told them I said I feel led to confess
this out loud right now and to say this out loud
because now that it's brought out into the light
and it's brought out into the open it can't keep
me bound. It's been keeping me bound how I've
been internalizing it and now that I've brought
it out into the light like it can't hide. And
now I can name it, now it can be healed, and
now it can be prayed for too. Because that person
I'm taking that to, I know is a person who prays
for me. And I pray for that person too. And I
think that's very important, just a side note
that y 'all hear this today. You need to have
people in your life that are going to pray for
you. Because it's stated right here that the
prayer of a righteous person, phew, God hears.
and we've talked about this story a couple episodes
back about Moses when you know he's raising his
hands and when his hands are up the Israelites
are seeing victory but when his hands fall down
the enemy overtakes them so he has his brother
and one other person that come and raise his
hands up and hold his hands up and help him I
believe it's in Ecclesiastes 2 Where it said
that it's better one who has people with him
because when he falls down they can pick him
back up It is so important to have brothers and
sisters in Christ like that you can go to and
talk to Christian community and your walk with
Christ is so important. It's not what saves you
and You can be a Christian and be like isolated,
but it's not the healthiest it's not Well, I
believe God created us to experience in this
life I do believe he created us to have relationships
and have connections with people and to support
our brothers and sisters in Christ right I'm
one of the you might say Daniel. Why do I need
community? Like what's the important thing about
that? And I'm someone who I'm the first to say
y 'all I don't have the diverse like I don't
have a huge group I don't have a ton of people
I can call up. There's a couple people I feel
comfortable calling And most of the things I
deal with me and the Lord. I don't take everything
to this group. And I think that's another important
thing that someone needs to hear. And I'm someone
who I used to be one of those people who would
call up. I used to have big friend groups and
I would call them up with any minor life inconvenience
or anything like that. It was a huge gossip.
Gossiping about my own life gossiping about I
would take it to them burst and seek emotional
Validation and advice and the Lord took me through
a lot of isolation periods where I had to learn
to take things to God first I Take them to God
first Because God's the only one that can fix
it. God's the only one that can give me divine
revelation. I take it to him first the big and
the small things. And then after taking it to
him, there are times when I feel led to talk
to one of my brothers or sisters in Christ. I
want to be very clear that God should still be
the first, but having that community is very
important. Y 'all, there have been some times
when I have just been going through warfare out
the wazoo where all of a sudden I'm hit with
like depression and anxiety and fear and all
of a sudden I feel like my faith is taking a
hit my faith is shaking and where I'm praying
but I just there's a part of me that's like I
need supplemental prayer like I need some people
in agreement with me praying for this I'm not
meant to do this warfare on my own and when my
church has a prayer team I can just send a text
to them shoot them a text of like this is why
I need prayer for I can tell they get on it quick
and it's been unbelievable when I when I reach
out to them for prayer I have a couple friends
I can reach out to for prayer I have Not technically
a blood relative but by marriage relative and
I can reach out to for prayer And when I tell
y 'all that it's crazy the relief I felt soon
after they prayed for me The peace I have the
clarity I have I have seen Just how much of an
impact it makes when people who are in right
standing with god pray for you Because that's
what a righteous person is right is someone who's
in right standing with god That's not a perfect
person That's not the holiest like someone who's
you know, has this level in the church. It's
someone who's in right standing with god Someone
who's seeking his will Someone who's submitting
themselves to have prayers from those people
life -changing And that's not saying that God
wasn't listening to my prayer he heard me But
he guided me for have some people in agreement
Have some people lifting up your hands and those
are opportunities for me to see wow, I really
can't do life alone and go as far as I believe
God wants to take me, I'm not going to be able
to do it just by myself all the time. And I'm
not meant to. But someone needs to hear this
today that confessing your sin out loud, confessing
what you did opens the door for you to be prayed
for, which is very important. There's been sin
struggles that after giving my life to Christ
for like over a year I hadn't had to deal with
and I hadn't had that temptation and then all
of a sudden that temptation arises and I found
myself falling into that sin and I was trying
to pull myself out but it was like even after
I stopped participating in that sin it was like
a dark cloud that kind of weighed over me and
a feeling of guilt and a feeling of shame and
it was kind of eating me up and I took it to
the Lord And I knew he was forgiving me. But
I really felt him lead me of like, you need to
confess this out loud. Like, tell someone that
you're struggling with this. Tell someone that
this is kind of overtaking you. And I did. I
told someone about it. And it's crazy the shame
that was broken off because it was no longer
a secret. It's crazy how much you're bound when
you're keeping secrets. And how much of a freedom
you experience when you stop keeping that secret.
And that for me was like letting go of that secret,
right? And even though it was something I felt
like was shameful and I was like, how can I be
a good Christian? When I tell y 'all that the
shame that was eating me up, like what was going
on in my head is, Danielle, you're not deserving
of a podcast. How can you speak to other people
when you're personally struggling with this?
And when you're personally dealing with this,
like how do you expect God to use you if you're
giving into this sin? How do you expect God to
use you? Like... you don't deserve to make another
episode you don't deserve to go talk to people
that blessing you just recently received yeah
you don't like when i tell y 'all it was eating
me up like that but it was after i confessed
it out loud and i knew that person prayed for
me and you know they they shared some scripture
with me and just encouraged me it was like the
shackles fell off me and it wasn't like i never
dealt with the temptation again But I wasn't
drowning in that shame anymore I Wasn't and it
was unbelievable y 'all it's crazy what truth
can do for you I was someone who grew up telling
a lot of little white lies and In my teenage
years in my adulthood I learned to like there
were times when I was like, yeah I could tell
the truth, but I feel like if I told the truth
There would be some drama or conflict or any
of these things. So I learned to like Navigate
like tell half truths or make up lies and I was
telling myself well it's keeping peace and it
makes other people feel better and In all honesty,
it was comforting for myself. I didn't want to
deal with conflict or drama. So why that's not
helping anyone It was only helping me emotionally
to feel better and before you knew it and I also
knew sometimes if I told the truth to someone
they might reject me they might pull away and
I didn't want that to happen and before I gave
my life to Christ I looked around at my life
and it was like I was living in so much deception
and it's so hard keeping up with lies and it's
it's so hard like emotionally it's hard mentally
it's hard because you're trying to remember what
you talked about and like what the storyline
is and everything like that and you're going
around shifting all these things around to not
get caught in a lie and in giving my life to
Jesus there was like a second opportunity to
live in truth because by the time I gave my life
to Christ my life was the lowest I'd ever been
but a lot of my secrets were out in the open.
Now I want to be very clear that a lot of my
secrets that were out in the open because I had
refused to speak on them a lot of them were twisted
so a lot of people had like a misunderstanding
so it was like even though the truth was out
like my I was no longer able to hide in the lies
people didn't know the truth. Guess is a better
way to word it. It was kind of a weird situation
and when I gave my life to the Lord I felt the
Lord really revealed me this is an opportunity
to just live in truth and The more I got my strength
from God and the more I submitted my will to
God more I was allowing him to guide my decisions
and my desires in life and That way when I when
I would hit a point where someone would ask me
What do you plan on doing with your life? What
do you plan on this? What's your desire with
this? Mine was rooted in Christ and I had a confidence
to speak on it. Even if that person didn't like
it, because the majority of people weren't submit
to Christ and didn't share my belief or my desires
or my values. And you know, some of them would
get frustrated and say, well, that's stupid.
That's this. Well, that's that. I was able to
kind of stand by it though. There was a truth
I was able to walk in. And it was so freeing
because there were no lies I had to keep up with
people would ask me a question I would give them
my straight -up answer and I wasn't worried about
It is weird because it was like I wasn't so worried
about how they would react or how they would
feel about how I feel or How they would feel
about my opinion they asked here's the answer
None of you so thoughtful was saying this that
the Lord helped me work on my wording. It wasn't
like I was just being really mean and cruel But
I was being honest. I realized that it delays
so much and it's so unnecessary to dance around
and Sugarcoat things just say it for what it
is But make sure you do it with love But when
I tell you all that it is freeing And if God
is guiding you, if you have felt the Holy Spirit
leading you to confess sins, I'm encouraging
you to do it. Because not only does scripture
say you should do it, the Bible says you should
do it, but I have firsthand seen the impact it
has on my life. It has freed me, it has opened
up doors. There are connections, there are relationships
that have been rebuilt through me confessing
my sin that I didn't think were possible to be
rebuilt. And I want to be so clear that these
Relationships the firm foundation is Christ Christ
was the foundation of this rebuild He had to
be present in both of our lives both parties
had to be repentant But confessing your sins
out loud that's gonna free you and it's gonna
open doors that you never thought could be open
and I want to move on to say this y 'all that
Being willing to confess these things out loud
opens the door for these things to become testimony
and to be used by God to change other people's
lives. Because yeah, it's amazing for you to
see how God can redeem it and how God can restore
it, but these good things aren't meant to be
kept for just you. They're meant to be shared.
God does these things in our lives, yes, because
He loves us, but also because He can use it to
further the Kingdom of Heaven, to help you create
disciples, the Great Commission. You can talk
to people who are going through similar things
and say, God worked in my life. This is what
He did. I want to be so clear, you're not changing
hearts, but you're planting the seeds. Or maybe
you're watering seeds that someone else has already
planted. But God will use that testimony Speak
to others that he can't do it until you're willing
to stand up and share it Until you're willing
to say God using this is more important than
my personal comfort Like do y 'all really think
that I woke up one day and said oh, I want to
tell the world about my sobriety convictions
I want to tell the world about my past struggles
with that I want to tell the world that although
I'm a Christian like I still have sin struggles
I want to tell the world that I was in New Age
and I was in tarot card and witchcraft. Do you
all really think I woke up and said, I just I
want to tell people about that. I just feel like
telling people about that today. No. Those are
things where the Lord was really impressing on
me. These are testimonies you need to share.
And those were private wrestles I had with God
of like, God, what if people view it this way?
What if it's twisted this way? What if, you know,
this door closes? What if this thing happens?
And I had to learn to trust Him regardless. And
I had to empty myself out and remind myself that
I am just a vessel here to be used by God. It's
not all about me. I'm not the main character.
In my own story, I am not the main character.
It's not all about me and what I want and how
I feel. I was created to worship and serve God.
And if the best way I can serve him is by sharing
testimonies, I have to be willing to empty myself
out to that point. I have to be willing to empty
myself out to where it's like... I want to quote
Philip Anthony Mitchell. And if y 'all don't
know who that is, I really recommend you go look
him up. He is very convicting in the way he speaks.
And I believe truly that this man was anointed
by God to speak with the conviction he has. And
a lot of people feel some type of way about what
he says. They feel like, oh, he's too doom and
gloom, like he's too, they call him legalistic
or all these things, because they feel convicted.
Or they say, where is that in the Bible? Open
up your Bible and you'll see. I remember one
of the first things he said that caught my attention
was, This isn't my gospel. He says this isn't
Philip Anthony Mitchell. Open your Bible and
read it for yourself. Pray for an understanding.
There are a lot of people who read scripture
that don't understand what they're reading. That
aren't praying for the understanding. I will
be the first to say like I truly believe Philip
Anthony Mitchell was anointed by God to speak
the way he speaks. There is a revival that he's
assisting in. And I believe that it's not him
speaking. It's the Holy Spirit speaking through
him It's God pouring out through him what Philip
Anthony Mitchell does and I believe it's it's
a wonderful thing to see is he empties himself
out to a point of being used by God and I aspire
to empty myself out to the point that he empties
himself out to to be used by God and the way
he's used But that also came along with I'm sure
a lot of warfare and a lot of seasons that produce
the oil necessary for the anointing. What we
see now was probably a 20, 30, 40 year, I'm not
sure how old he is, but a very long process to
get to. And I've heard his past testimonies of
things that he struggled with, of, you know,
like times of like pride and we're, and this
is where we get to is I recently watched a podcast
where he was talking about he went on a trip
and I believe it was to Israel. and you know
there's some people from brazil that end up speaking
to him through a translator like after they were
in a time of worship and saying like basically
are you your country is dying spiritually like
they need revival are you ready to be sent like
are you willing to do this and he went on to
say i learned that i have to be willing to speak
whether it empties out a room or fills it up
And that's something I felt the Lord really putting
in me the past couple years of like, you have
to be willing to be used by me and say these
things and do these things whether 100 people
are clapping for you or everyone turns their
back on you. And I've experienced both. I've
had times when people are like, yes, girl, preach.
Yes, girl, speak that message. And I've had times
when people are like, who does she think she
is? I don't want to hear that. And right now
it's in a small scale. I know that I'll experience
that bigger in God's timing, rejection -wise
and acceptance -wise. And you have to be willing
to pour out and be used by Him whether you receive
claps or whether people walk away. And that was
something that he spoke that I was like, dang.
And he didn't get to that point. It wasn't just
he woke up that day, gave his life to Christ,
and the Lord spoke that to him. He had been doing
this for a minute. Someone may need to hear today
the process God takes you through before he opens
up that door can be a long one Paul before he
went on writing these letters. I believe it was
like a decade that he was just spending time
with the Lord being used by the Lord Developing
relationship with the Lord There's sometimes
God will speak something to you and it doesn't
happen until five ten fifteen twenty years down
the road and what happens in between is preparing
you when God anoints you with oil there's a crushing
to get the oil that's how they get oil out of
the olives as they have to crush them and you
go through a period in your life where you're
being crushed and I'll tell you all straight
up learning how to confess your sins and walk
in truth Bring things to the light, they're keeping
you bound. That is part of the crushing. It's
been part of my crushing. How can I expect the
Lord to use me in big ways if I'm too scared
to bring things out to the light? How can I expect
to help other people who are dealing with those
past traumas and pains and sufferings if I'm
too ashamed to bring mine to the light? If I'm
too ashamed to say, hey, I made that mistake
too? If I'm too ashamed to say, hey, I believe
that lie too? How can I expect to be used by
God to help these people if I'm not even willing
to be honest about how he's helped me? How do
I expect people to relate to me if I won't even
share what makes me relatable? How do I expect
God to use me to speak to other people who are
wrestling with sin if I'm not even honest about
my wrestles with sin? How can I encourage people
to be sanctified and be a better person if I
refuse to be sanctified and become a better person?
How can I be used to encourage other people if
I refuse myself to be encouraged? How can I expect
other people to be honest with me and do right
by me if I won't be honest with them and do right
by them? That's something that's in scripture,
y 'all, is to treat people the way you want to
be treated. I know we've heard that growing up,
the golden rule, treat other people the way you
want to be treated, but that's actually biblical.
Do onto one as you would want done onto you.
I want people to be honest with me and do right
by me, I'm gonna be honest with them and do right
by them. I want people to forgive me, I'm gonna
forgive them. Even if they're gonna continue
hurting me, I'm gonna continue forgiving them.
And remember, y 'all, forgiveness and access
isn't the same thing. if someone is unrepentant
and they don't see wrong they're going to continue
to hurt you don't open up the door for that but
you can continue to forgive them you can continue
to pray for them someone needs to hear this today
and i know it's something i need to hear today
even speaking about this y 'all i know is freeing
for me As I said in the beginning of this episode,
this is a hard topic for me and it's a hard topic
for me because I know even to this day that there
are people who are protected by my silence. That
there are people who, and I want to be so thoughtful,
Holy Spirit help me word this, there are people
who are relying on me keeping silent and staying
in my shame and staying too fearful to talk about
it and wanting to just move on and act like it
never happened. But when the Lord calls me to
share testimonies and speak about the things
he's revealing to me and sharing with me I'm
gonna listen to that I Want to be so clear y
'all that when I speak when I'm just sitting
here and telling me all these truths and these
things These are testimonies. I hope are gonna
help other people. It's in no way directed to
hurt other people To expose other people or to
do anything like that. You all see I keep things
very private I never name names. I never give
specific identifiers I want to keep things...
I still... Because I would want other people
to protect my privacy, I protect other people's
privacy in that way. But I'm no longer acting
like things didn't happen. And I'm no longer
keeping testimonies quiet out of fear that someone
else might feel some type of way because I'm
sharing my testimony. You know what I mean? and
I pray and I hope that the wording on that was
clear and that you're able to understand that.
Everything I share is meant to glorify God and
to help other people heal. It's not to vindicate
myself or to make myself feel better and a lot
of these things the Lord actually really has
to encourage me before I'm willing to share because
it's actually uncomfortable for me to share because
I would rather keep a lot of these things quiet
and just go about life as normal. But I also
recognize that in doing that there are other
people who aren't seeing Because I know there
are people who also listen to this podcast Who
probably aren't very happy to hear certain testimonies
i'm sharing that might give them something to
reflect on This might be a way god speaks to
them You know, it's crazy how god works and how
god moves, but I pray That y 'all who are listening
to this today that there is some kind of healing
that you receive in the words that you hear me
speaking. And I pray that's the Holy Spirit speaking
through me to you today. There are some things
that I know I'm saying out loud right now that
is not me that usually don't have the courage
to say. And don't be afraid to ask for prayer.
Don't be afraid to ask for prayer from the very
people that you've hurt. You know, that's interesting
enough. I'm one of the main people that I confess
my sins to. Like, you know, when I when I think
of like who How we were talking earlier about
like having to trust your brother and sister
in Christ that you can confess your sins to and
trust that they're gonna pray for you Is actually
someone that a couple seasons ago I rejected
before I gave my life to Christ. I don't want
anything to do with that person I felt like they
were judgmental in these things. I caused that
person some pain and You know this person has
caused me pain but like I Received prayer from
the very person who like a couple seasons ago
I would have never wanted to confess these things
to that I was wrestling with and dealing with.
It's really interesting how the Lord works. And
you have no idea how God is going to use that
step of faith. If you all haven't read the book,
The cost of discipleship by Diedrich Bonhoeffer.
I do recommend you go read it because it's really
interesting in one of his chapters He says that
action comes before faith and the first time
I was reading I was like no You have to have
faith to take the action. You have to have the
belief but the more I started reading I was like,
oh, I see where he's going with this Because
there were times where God called me to take
an action and just you know, the faith would
come after Like when I wouldn't have a lot of
faith and God would call me to take a step and
after I take that step off the little faith I
had, or just the little trust I had, it actually
increased my faith a lot later on. I've shared
testimonies with that before, like, for example,
when the Lord called me to quit when I was a
terror reader and trust that God was going to
provide. That was a big deal for me. And I didn't
really have the faith because I was like, God,
I've never seen you do that in the past. How
are you going to do it now? and he was like just
trust like just just take this step and the faith
will come after and i took that step and he showed
up in miraculous ways where later on when he
called me to take big leaps of faith i was able
to look back and be like god did it that time
he's going to do it again and i feel like someone
needs to hear that today is sometimes the act
of obedience comes before having all the faith
sometimes it's just obeying god and then seeing
how he shows up that's what increases your faith.
Now I pray this episode really helps you and
unbinds you in a way and I do encourage y 'all
listen through this again take notes I feel like
this is one of those episodes where it's good
to take notes and look back on and see like how
this can relate to your life because there are
a lot of people who I believe are dealing with
the shame and protecting others and people pleasing
and fear sharing testimonies and all these things
that you've normalized it so much or you defend
it so much You don't see how it's impacting you
and how it's actually still part of your life
when I was a new age y 'all I believe that I
healed things he would go through like They called
it shadow work and like, you know getting to
the root But the interesting thing is when I
look back you were just band -aiding things You
were just learning different ways to cope and
deflect and detach. It's Jesus who heals. It's
his blood We need Jesus. Jesus is the root of
everything and a new age Jesus ain't there He's
not the Savior. He's not the the Alpha and the
Omega And there were things that the Lord was
calling me to dig up and deal with and I was
like Lord didn't I heal these years ago and I
had to reflect I was like, oh I thought like
I healed him in the new age when I look back
I realized the new age just taught you kind of
how to deflect and detach and how to find other
things to like Take the role of it and you found
a way to really normalize it For me, what New
Age taught me how to do was detach and become
very selfish. Like I was very selfish. I thought
I learned how to set boundaries, but it wasn't
actually like healthy boundaries or like Christ
-like boundaries. It was a thing of I don't like
that you're cut off. I don't like this, you're
cut off. This is protecting myself. This is protecting
my energy is what I would call it. And then,
when I started really submitting to Christ, I
was like, oh, I went from a lack of boundaries
and letting people run all over me to kind of
selfish and unforgiving. And I started normalizing
unforgiveness and cut off the second it was something
I didn't like. And I just kind of substituted
one thing for another. And now, not only do I
have to work through selfishness and a way too
harsh cutoff game and unforgiveness, what...
once I strip that away I'm gonna have to go back
and deal with the people -pleasing tendency and
the lack of boundaries. It's crazy the things
that we like write off as we healed without Jesus
and when you sit down with Jesus he really shows
you not only are those things not healed but
now you've just developed other coping mechanisms.
So yeah I encourage you all today like you know
sit down. reflect on your own life, reflect on
some of your habits, reflect on the scripture,
James 5, and ask God to speak to you and ask
Him like, Lord, what are you wanting to reveal
to me? What are you wanting me to see? How are
you calling me to grow? And I encourage you to,
whatever step He gives you, just obey Him. There
are too many of us Christians asking why and
wanting God to spell out everything before we're
willing to take that step. and that's not faith
that's not faith faith is trusting him even though
you can't see everything you can't you don't
know all the steps you don't know the full outcome
i'm only here y 'all because of faith steps i
took there are a lot of things god was just giving
me one step at a time and after i took that step
then he would reveal to me the next one and there
are a lot of people who are refusing to take
that step of obedience because they can't see
the whole path and if you're stuck in that headspace
of just the why why this why that why that and
if you're refusing to move until God reveals
it to you you'll end up being stuck your whole
life stuck in the same cycle stuck in the same
place and you'll find yourself rejecting God
one day and saying God didn't do it for me and
God didn't move there are a lot of people who
say I tried Jesus but they didn't try actual
surrender people who say I prayed for it, but
God didn't show up, but they don't mention the
fact that they said no to all the steps of obedience
God called them to take. I shared this on TikTok
not too long ago, y 'all. My Jonah moment. It
was years ago. when I was going through like
a really hard point in life and I didn't know
the next step to take the next way out and even
though I was a new age I actually started reading
my Bible for a short period and kind of seeking
God and God told me when I asked him what do
I do he told me to go to a person and ask for
help and I said no because I felt like that person
was gonna shame me and I felt like it would be
humiliating going to that person and I was gonna
have to admit I was wrong and I was gonna have
to admit I couldn't do it on my own and I just
felt like I was gonna have to eat my words and
I also felt like my flesh was gonna be compromised
I was like well if I go and that person helps
me there's gonna be areas in my flesh that they're
gonna expect me to deny at that time I still
wanted to smoke every day at that time I still
wanted to do all that stuff and I was like I
won't be allowed to do that I won't be allowed
to do this thing You know at that time I wanted
to run off and be a terror reader in the new
age and I was like they won't support that They
won't support my sin So I told God no And I said
I'm not gonna do it that way. Give me another
way anyway, but that God give me another way
and guess what? He didn't give me another way
That was his command that was his act of obedience
he said go to this person you want my help do
this and I looked at it and said no that's not
what I want to do and I rejected God's wisdom
and he allowed me to and I ended up going into
after that a time of I went through betrayal
and I went through pain and I went through loss
and I went through suffering and all these things
and eventually found my way back to God and when
I gave my life to him and I said what do I do
now guess what he told me to do The same thing
he told me to do a year and a half, two years
prior. And this time instead of saying no, I
said, okay, God, your way, not mine. And I later
on saw how he worked off of it. And I still,
it was still the same situation. I still had
to admit I was wrong. I still had to admit all
these things. I still had to do it. But this
time my pride was broken down. Our pride and
our ego and our refusal to see that God's way
is better will keep us rejecting. God's method
and it's a very prideful thing for us to think
oh we'll tell God no I want a better way and
he'll give us a better way not once have I ever
asked God for a way give me the step to take
give me the wisdom and he reveals it to me and
I have said no I don't want that way revealed
me something better and he gives me another way
it's very much you asked for his wisdom take
his wisdom and if you reject it and you do your
own thing you end up in the pit you end up in.
Because that's pride and that's ego. And I believe
that me sharing this is really helping someone
today that might like be unable to see that that's
what they're doing. I pray this helps you. Or
maybe this is the thing that you've been shameful
of. Or God has given you an act of obedience
and you're refusing to take it. Or maybe you're
angry at God and saying, God won't help me. God
is intervening. Someone may just need to hear
this today, but are you rejecting his guidance?
If you ask God for help you have to do it his
way Our generation and speaking from experience
because I'm someone who's in it is so selfish
like egotistical we I saw this post earlier today
of like the gospel is really radical to a generation
who's raised to think that their feelings are
what matters the most and that they're the smartest
and they're so perfect and you know they their
comfortability and their feelings are first before
everything else God doesn't say that that's not
biblical your heart is deceptive is what the
Bible says feelings are fleeting God has a knowledge
that surpasses us God's ways are above our ways.
That is biblical So you want God's help you got
to take God's guidance And God's guidance doesn't
come with you being able to tweak it and reject
it you reject God's guidance Okay, but you reject
God's hand and you can't say God didn't show
up for me God didn't heal me God didn't help
me if you're rejecting the methods God is giving
you I'm speaking from experience. I know what
it's like and I went through a year and a half
of a lot of crap I didn't have to go through
just like Jonah getting thrown off that boat
in the storm almost dying getting swallowed up
by a fish Someone may need to hear this today
like You're getting frustrated with God and you're
saying he's not showing up, but you're not submitting
your will to him And if you're refusing to submit
your will to him, do you really want his help?
And you cannot be mad at God and saying he's
not God or he's not true These things aren't
real if you're not submitting to him. You can't
have it both ways And I know I'm someone who
tried to have it both ways most of my life I
said before I turned a new age. I was like, well,
I tried church. I tried Jesus It didn't help
me. I was like, did you really though? Because
you weren't denying the flesh you were still
out drinking and partying you were still fornicating
you were still gossiping You're still cussing.
You're still moving and unforgiveness You still
had a lack of boundaries How can you be mad that
Jesus didn't transform your heart when you didn't
even give him your heart You said you can have
this little area of everything else. I'm keeping
myself. No, you're all in or you're out God does
he can do hot he can do cold, but if you're lukewarm,
he'll chew up and spit you out refusing to give
God your entire heart as one. I feel like we
just got a little hard here, like a little harsh,
but someone may be needing to hear it be spoken
in that way. And y 'all see how God works in
my life. It is possible to have a season like
that and to submit your will to God and be at
the point I'm at. And this is only a year and
a half later. And God has worked in my life in
amazing ways a lot of people look for Like the
majority of my fruit y 'all is how I respond
and how I react and how I move through life And
how I perceive things now There are people who
look at the favor of God or God's hand in their
life And they believe that it's only able to
be seen through money through social media influence
or through relationships and they're like well
if God's really blessed that person like wouldn't
they be super rich when they have all this and
when they have all that I am the first to say
y 'all the biggest blessings I have seen and
the things that people notice immediately in
me that have known me before Christ it's the
way I respond in the way I react God has made
me into a completely different person than I
used to be And look at the Levites, for example.
There were, you know, all those different tribes,
once they got to the Promised Land, God gave
them each a piece of land as a blessing. Which,
you know, we would see that now as, you know,
God given a house, God given money, God given
the influence, God giving those things. They
each received, but there was one group, the Levites,
who had a fear of God and a reverence of God.
At one point in my life, Levi, um who was like
the beginning of that tribe was known for being
very zealous and passionate to the point where
he would spill blood in his anger not really
the most christ -like person but god took that
passion and that zeal and when that became a
passion and the zeal for lord for the lord it
was turned into a fear and irreverence and they
were the ones carrying the holy artifacts through
the river They were the ones who refused to worship
the golden calf. And they were the ones, the
Levites, that when God was giving each group,
each tribe their own land, the Levites, he said,
your inheritance is me. You guys are going to
be priests. You guys are going to be teachers.
You guys are going to be the ones who keep the
spirit of God alive throughout the land. And
he gave them 48 different cities spread out throughout
the land. And they lived off the tithes God provided
for them. I feel like someone's need to hear
that today blessing from God isn't just the money
or the clout or the the attention or the relationship
Because the devil can give that to you. You see
a lot of people in Hollywood in LA You have all
these things who are not submitted to Christ
Who are demonic who are satanic and that's the
whole story for another day the devil? Can give
money to the devil can give fame to someone being
famous or rich Or having clout is not a sign
that God is with them Because it's easily a sign
that the devil is with them too. Will God bless
people with that? Yes, in order to further his
kingdom that's something that God can bless you
with But we're told you shall know them by their
fruits fruits of the spirit Not by the money
in their bank account Not by the amount of people
who say they're a good teacher. Oh, I love that
word By their fruits the fruits of the spirit
their peace their love their patience Long -suffering
patience and long -suffering are the same y 'all.
Sometimes I call it patience. Sometimes I call
it long -suffering I've actually had people my
DM saying that is long suffering It's patience
We have the fruits of spirit forgiveness These
are the ways that we'll know that Christ is in
somebody. These are the ways that we'll know
that God favors. These are the ways that we'll
know that someone has God in their lives, that
someone is submitting their lives to God. We'll
see these changes in these transformations because
these are fruits of the spirit, not works of
the flesh. These aren't things that you produce
on your own. These are things that are produced
through having the Holy Spirit present in your
life. the spirit not of the flesh Yeah, I'll
say y 'all that that's the first thing I have
people who point out with me Oh my gosh, you're
so different in this area You used to not be
patient like this used to be a crash out used
to be so unforgiving You used to be so reactive
You used to be divisive you used to be Now there's
it's clear the hand of God in my life, and it's
something I could do for myself So if you're
refusing to let God do these changes in your
heart How do you expect him to later on show
up in these other areas in your life? The changes
in yourself are where you really see God present
not the changes in your physical world around
you May all I I just want to we'll stop here
for today and I just want to say thank you all
for listening to this episode and I do ask that
you hit subscribe wherever it is you're listening
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a blessed week. Bye guys