Hey guys and welcome back To the salt not sweetener
podcast. I'm your host Danielle Townsend And
it is I'm not used to recording Episodes early
in the morning like this, but it is early Monday
morning, and I am sitting down here with my coffee
Ready to share with y 'all something so important
that the Lord has done in my life And that is
leading me to a life of sobriety And this is
a topic that I've wanted to go in on this topic
for a while I really wasn't sure how to go in
on this topic and we know in my past episodes
I've shared with y 'all how I use substances
as coping mechanisms. I've shared some of my
past traumas some of my past pains and um how
substances were a detachment for me and they
were a getaway for me but i also shared how they
were a real pain a real source of pain and source
of stress and source of struggle for me too it
was a double -edged sword i'm here to share with
y 'all today about the lord and how good he is
and how he led me to a life of sobriety how substances
impacted me and affected me, and I just hope
that this testimony helps you and reveals things
to you. Now, to give y 'all a little bit of just
background of the substance use in my life and
the role it played, I'd like to start off with
just how I gravitated towards it and how I got
involved in it. You know, I started seeing alcohol
abuse and addiction at a very young age. Like
the earliest memories I can remember are of people
drinking and partying and abusing alcohol. And
I remember seeing so many arguments and so many
disagreements and so many fights because someone
was drunk, because someone was out of it. How
many late nights there were staying up. how many
backhanded comments, like I just remember alcohol
being the forefront of the majority of my childhood
memories and the majority of them not being very
good. That's not saying that my childhood was
always bad because when people were drunk, they
also liked to be a good time too, right? So I
actually got to experience a lot of things that
some kids normally wouldn't experience because
the adults around me weren't always making the
best judgment calls. So there was like a love
-hate relationship with substances. I saw the
side of it of, you know, the anger, the bad emotions
coming out, the bad decisions. Then I also saw
the carefree side of it. And yeah, so growing
up, I was used to just, that was a normal part
in my daily life. And I remember when I started
hitting middle school age, I started getting
more interested in substances. especially, you
know, all the content I was consuming on Facebook,
on MTV, everything like that, and then just I
started gravitating towards hanging around older
kids too. So it started looking like fun. It
looked like a good time and it looked like that's
just what teenagers did and that's just what
grown -up people did. I thought that everybody
turned up. I thought that that was just an everybody
thing. And I remember it was my eighth grade
year, it was when I was 14, that I actually started
really getting involved in dabbling. And I dove
in pretty quickly. So I remember there was already
a real sparked interest in it. By the time I
was 14, I was dating boys and there were boys
I started dating that smoked weed and drank and
did pills and like did different things. and
naturally my interest in that spark too and there
was I remember I started making new friends at
this time I started being friends with some really
like more kind of popular girls that wanted to
dabble in the party lifestyle and there were
a couple new kids that moved into my neighborhood
that that was their lifestyle and that opened
up a whole new door for me. You know, I had recently
experienced some home life changes. There was
a person that I was used to having in the home
that was no longer in the home. That one point
kind of kept me in check and was a little bit
more of an authority figure. So there was also
a newfound freedom of being able to kind of go
out and do whatever I wanted to do that I hadn't
really had before. And that ended up being a
really bad combination, in all honesty, because
Before you knew it, I was off the school bus
and I was hanging out with these people and it
started off with smoking. That's where it started
off with, with smoking weed. And then it turned
into smoking cigarettes because the nicotine
buzz gave me the same buzz I would get from weed.
And then I turned into getting addicted to nicotine
and getting addicted to cigarettes. And I loved
the buzz. I loved the high that I got with marijuana
because it was just like a euphoric. Feeling
and then like I don't care feeling like all the
the stressors and the burdens and upsets and
everything I've been holding on to for so long
It was finally released, you know, like I didn't
have that building up within me anymore for so
long I was my releases were crying breakdowns
and like self -harming when I was 13 like it
was it was Having a really hard time expressing
my emotions and expressing myself And I felt
like no one around me really cared to hear what
I was feeling. Or if they acted like they cared,
it's not like any differences were made or changes
were made, everything was the same. And I was
really having a hard time with expressing myself
and with handling my feelings. You know, up until
that point, I tried going, they were sending
me to counseling, they were sending me to therapy.
And the running problem I found was I didn't
feel like I was being heard by my counselors.
I really felt like they were siding with the
people that at that time I saw as the perpetrators
in my life. I really felt like they were siding
with the addicts. They were siding with the people
that were consistent sources of pain for me.
And I remember one counselor laughing at me.
And it was so hard because I felt like no one
cared. And even if they did, they weren't going
to do anything about it. And I just had to find
ways to kind of emotionally cope and handle it
on my own. And for me, I started seeing marijuana
as like a way to relax and a way to detach and
a way to just vibe and feel peace and all things
I cared about before I don't care about anymore.
And that was just, and you know, it's temporary
and only lasts a couple hours, but that was the
detachment I needed at least. in that time period,
and that very quickly turned into drinking too.
Drinking on the weekends with my friends, and
eventually I ended up being able to get consistent
access to vodka and things like that, and it
turned into almost every day I was coming home
and drinking. turning up. And it was never a
thing of physically needing it. It wasn't like
I ever want the physical withdrawals of like,
I don't drink, it's gonna be a mess or anything
like that. But that just became a part of my
daily habit, where it was like, I get home and
I want to have fun. Okay, let's drink. Hang out
friends. Okay, let's drink. Okay, let's smoke.
That just became a daily. I would say daily was
more the smoking than the drinking. But that
became like a very daily thing for me. And that
was eighth grade when I started hanging out again
with a lot of boys and the popular girls. And
our weekends quickly turned into, you know, there
was this bowling alley right down the road from
me that did, late night, it was called Cosmic
Bowling on the weekends where you could go until
1 .30 in the morning. so I would have a big group
of friends that would come over to stay the night
with me on Friday and Saturday nights and we'd
get ready and turn up and everything like that
and then walk down and go bowling and we meet
up with the boys we were talking to or dating
at the time and like other people and then you
know sometimes we would go home after that at
1 30 but most of the time we would go out and
ride around in the boys car with them and like
just be doing stuff that we shouldn't be doing
and turning up further and so you know I have
like a lot of access and a lot of freedom in
that way of like not really having to come home
and not really having to come back and do things
um so having that open door of freedom and not
really having an accountability and also having
all this access to these things keep in mind
y 'all I'm a child making childish decisions
I know to some people 14 you should know about,
but I mean when you're 14 you're not thinking
things through like an adult thinks things through.
You're thinking about what's fun, you're thinking
about what people at school are gonna think is
cool, you're thinking about very short -term
thoughts, very emotionally made decisions. So
I still had a child like mine making childish
decisions. And, you know, I saw the consequences
of that, in all honesty. There were a lot of
things I saw and a lot of things I experienced
that caused a lot of pain and a lot of suffering
for me mentally and emotionally that I really
kept to myself. I didn't tell a lot of people
about that. I think back and I'm like, dang,
if I would have stayed home, I wouldn't have
been out to experience that. But the Lord has
turned those things into testimonies. But I'm
just telling y 'all like that. So that was the
hotbed for it. When I was 14, I kind of dove
into it because I also started a big thing that
was going around at the time that a lot of us
were doing was cold medicine. And I was doing
that very in large increments so much so that
like at one time I had to go to the hospital
for the day. I was hospitalized for the day just
to detox. We would call it zombie mode where
like you couldn't even bend your arms or anything
like that. you'd be like a zombie for like 10
hours. I was trying different things and I started
realizing that it wasn't like I was seeking a
specific euphoria or I wasn't seeking just highs,
I wasn't seeking just downs, like I wasn't looking
for just uppers or just downers, I was just looking
for detachment. So if what was available to me
that day was marijuana, it was marijuana. If
what was available to me that day was alcohol,
it was alcohol. If it was available, cold medicine
or air duster was a thing back then that a lot
of people are doing. I'm pretty sure I fried
some brain cells with that. I couldn't do math
very well after that. Anything that could get
me detached from my feelings and my emotion and
the reality I was in, that was what I was seeking.
So one day it might be super excited and bouncing
around and turning up and then the next day it
might be down Sleeping in bed for 12 hours. Like
it was whatever it was to detach and to just
disconnect from reality and that progressed in
my high school years. I started seeking that
more in my high school years. Now in my high
school years, when I was hanging out more with
people who could drive and when I could definitely
drive myself and everything like that, it turned
more into going out and partying and turning
up. There's a college campus that I grew up in.
I grew up in a college town and I was partying
on my college campus all the time and I was dating
boys that were partying on college campus all
the time. Like all my circles were people who
did that. And I want to be clear that like that
wasn't the majority of what the people like at
my school were doing the majority of the people
at my school were like At least they weren't
going out doing that if they if they tried alcohol
or tried smoke and they would do it like Quietly
like in their backyard or something like that,
but they were staying home on Friday Saturday
nights after football games I I was hanging out
with college kids. I was hanging out with kids
from other schools So, you know, to a lot of
the people at my school, what I was doing, to
some of them, there was a very harsh judgment.
There were, I noticed in eighth grade, there
were always rumors flying about me around the
school. Someone always had something to say because
I was very adamant with what I was doing on my
social media. Um, and then there were some other
people who wanted to do what I was doing, um,
or there was a jealousy. And, you know, if they
would have saw the reasoning behind what I was
doing, I don't think they would have been as
jealous, but there were people who all they saw
was I'm out hanging out with college kids and
popular boys and like partying all the time.
And I'm laughing, driving around in the car,
going out of state, just doing whatever I want
to do on school nights even. you know to some
people that was the total life that was like
they didn't even see the other side of it um
and all the compromises you have to make the
moral compromises you have to make and just the
detachment and um so anyway that goes on throughout
high school and i go into college and i'm working
full time and just kind of trying to keep my
head above water trying to pay for everything
and all my off days i'm using that to drink and
turn up you know this time i'd stopped smoking
um for work so i i was just drinking strictly
for years and then I started feeling drinking
convictions where I was like I don't want to
be an alcoholic like I'm right now I'm not physically
dependent on it but I know that that's I've seen
that in the family and I know that that's something
if I continue down this path it's going to be
in the cards for me so I quit drinking completely
I stopped keeping alcohol in my house but then
I turned to smoking again And that ended up becoming
an idol for me, like a real idol. I didn't see
how that was an idol for me all throughout school
because when I look back now, where I should
have gotten my peace and where I should have
gotten my healing was Jesus Christ. If I was
seeking to lay these things down, I should have
laid them down at the feet of Jesus. But I didn't
have a relationship with Jesus like that. I didn't
see Jesus as the answer and I didn't see myself
needing a savior in that way. and you know when
I was um in my young adult years yeah so when
I put down alcohol I turned to um the teach and
that ended up turning from like just smoking
marijuana to dads and I ended up investing a
lot of money in that and I found the majority
of my money was going to that um when I look
back I think about how much it was affecting
my daily life I I had to like it turned into
I I couldn't sleep without it um I couldn't like
I wanted to take a hit of it before I would do
any activity like if it was any kind of house
chore if it was hanging out with people like
if I was hanging out with people we had to be
going somewhere and doing something where we
could smoke because everyone that was in my circle
that I was spending time with was also doing
that too. I didn't have any like sober -minded
people everyone there was turning up and it was
all dabs and things like that. So when I look
back, I was centering my community around that
of who are people who are going to enable and
encourage, who are people that are also going
to participate in it with me. And those were
the kind of people that I was seeking out for
a saying. those were the kind of people I was
more going and hanging out with. I was going
out to places that enabled that behavior, which
when I look back those weren't Christ -filled
places, those weren't Christ -filled spaces.
I was spending a good amount of money on that.
I was spending like at least $60 a week, but
it goes more to $100 a week on it. Which I noticed
some people isn't a lot of money, but with my
paycheck back then and me just trying to like
pay all my bills and everything, that was very
impactful, you know. and getting paid bi -weekly,
that's basically $200 a paycheck, just going
to that, let alone nicotine, that was probably
like $60 too, a paycheck. And I'm spending my
money on that, and I look back at how many connections
that it damaged and harmed, because when I would
try to spend time with people who were sober
-minded, they didn't like what I was doing. They
could immediately see that where I was going
was not... that wasn't a good path I was going
down so I there were connections that weren't
allowed to be developed and weren't cultivated
weren't grown that could have been healthy for
me because of my habits and because of like me
turning to those things and I honestly saw no
problem with it I felt like I romanticized it
and I felt like there was something poetic about
it especially you know with the TV shows and
everything that were coming out glorifying turning
up especially in the late 2010s, like 2016, 2017,
2018, where a lot of people turning up and having
to dissociate and all that was glorified and
depression was glorified and all of these things
were glorified. And I found real ways to glorify
it and honestly all living in a town that has
a college that's known for partying and has a
lot of that. That is more the lifestyle that
is glorified and I didn't have a lot of people
telling me not to do it because at the end of
the day I was still getting up and going to work.
I was still paying my bills. I was still doing
what I needed to be doing. You know when you
see like addiction in people's lives oftentimes
you see like all of their family, all of that's
falling out and they're losing jobs and they're
losing all of this and it's so evident to say
like this is a problem and for a lot of people
they weren't really able to point out so much
that it was a problem because I was getting up
and going to work because I was going and taking
care of all those things and doing everything
that needed to be taken care of but you know
there were some people that would start pointing
out like hey you know it seems like you're kind
of emotionally relying on this why don't you
like They would notice that like if someone would
tell me like no, we can't smoke right now No,
we can't do this. I would get in the way that
would get frustrated like So there were obvious
signs there when you paid a lot of attention
But the majority of the people there weren't
the warning flags of this thing is a danger and
like damaging your life Like it would be for
a lot of other people and it got worse y 'all
when I got into new age spirituality because
once I got into new age spirituality I started
using smoking to help me meditate and to help
me connect and help me put me in like a different
kind of state of mind and I felt like it made
me more of a deep thinker and not like I couldn't
write without it and like all of these things
um and um it wasn't until because it was it was
back in um when I was about like 20 it was like
24 years old it was right before I turned 24
yeah um that I I couldn't afford to do the dabs
or anything anymore and I started putting that
aside but I realized I could afford to go buy
like a six dollar six to nine dollar bottle of
like barefoot Moscato every night to just relax
at the end of the night and I started doing that
and yeah so the drinking started coming up it
wasn't every day but it started being a little
bit more frequently and then it was in the fall
that year when I started turning to CBD pens
and started picking those up and started using
those as a coping and before you knew it When
I traveled to the West Coast and everything was
legal over there Doors were open for me to get
back in the smoking again. And that was where
the Lord gave me a lot of smoking convictions
Because I started I started realizing that I
was just doing it out of like a boring habit
and I felt like I was doing good I would make
myself wait until 6 p .m. every night before
I would start smoking because I would say well
by 6 p .m. I've done everything I need to do
throughout the day and it's not impacting me
from doing any of my daily responsibilities or
any of the daily things I'm supposed to be doing
I've taken care of everything I need to do now
it's just relaxing And I would find myself like
it'd be like 2, 3, 4 p .m. and I'd be annoyed
just waiting on 6 p .m. to come around so that
way I could turn up and that way I could... and
I realized that there was some kind of feeling
that I was chasing from that. It didn't matter
if I was going through all these stressors in
my life or I was going through no stressors,
if I was just bored or whatever. There was some
kind of idolatry that I had going on with that.
that even now sometimes it's hard for words to
describe with it because it started out as a
thing of like Coping when I was going through
stressful times and I started realizing that
even on days when I wasn't stressed I was just
bored that became my way of dealing with boredom
that became my way of Destressing that became
my way of like I feel like I can't have as much
joy Like I literally if I want to sit down watch
a funny movie or something like that put that
on because I felt like it would make me laugh
a little bit more it would enhance the experience
I started looking at marijuana as or substances
in general as experience enhancers You know some
people call alcohol like a liquid courage liquid
confidence And I was using that times too when
I'd be meeting people for the first time or hanging
out with people for the first time I'd feel like
turning up with like bring out my boldness more.
So yeah, the Lord, overall, around the time that
he convicted me when I really recognized that
tarot card reading was wrong, I also recognized
that substance use was wrong. And for me, it
was reading scriptures of be sober minded. The
devil prowls like a roaring lion, prowling around
looking for someone to devour. And I started
thinking back to most Most of the time I said
something I wish I didn't say. I made a decision
I wish I didn't make. If it was I made a purchase
I wish I didn't make. I gave into a temptation
I wish I didn't give into. I gave into an emotion
I wish I didn't give into. Whatever it was I
look back and think a lot of times it was when
I wasn't sober minded. A lot of times it was
when I was turned up. It was when I was drinking.
Or when I would realize that I would be like
kind of just overall making bad life decisions
would be in a season when I was frequently turning
to substances for coping. And I started realizing,
wow, being in that other headspace, not being
sober minded is just giving the devil a wide
open door of access to me. And I am very ignorant
to believe that he's not going to take advantage
of that. The devil doesn't play fair. He's the
father of lies. He comes to steal kill and destroy
and if he has to he will wait for the opportune
moment And what more opportune time than time
when you're not in your right mind and when your
boundaries aren't as strong As someone who back
then I didn't have strong boundaries anyway So
yeah, once I wasn't in my right mind. It was
easy to push those boundaries and manipulate
my emotions Now look back today And that was
my first realization of I understand, Lord, why
you call us to be sober minded. It's not because
you don't want us to have fun. I used to always
say, God doesn't want us to be drunk or like
be high because he doesn't want us to have fun.
I realize now it's like, no, it's because that
is literally opening a door for the devil to
come and take advantage of your life. It is opening
a door for wickedness to enter your heart, to
enter your life, to influence your decisions.
And why give him that open door? And I started
thinking about and processing it was like, why
do I turn to these things? And like, what can
they be replaced with? And that was when Jesus
Christ had told me, I truly, and I've talked
about this in podcast episodes before, I truly
believe that he told me that if I, he was calling
me to give those things up and trust that he
was going to provide something better, that whatever
he calls me to release, If I need it, he's going
to provide something better in its place. And
I didn't understand what that was at the time,
but I soon began to recognize it as a piece that
surpassed all understanding. Because for me,
the substances brought me a piece, right? A detachment.
That was where I escaped reality. And I started
noticing after I gave those things up that they're
I started running into situations that would
normally trigger me to turn to those things,
like extra high stress situations, high frustrating
situations, where instead of turning to that,
I started getting in my Bible and just reading
scripture and praying, like, God deliver me from
this, God give me a peace that surpasses all
understanding, Jesus, I plead the blood of Jesus
over me, like, I plead the blood of Jesus over
my mind, protect my mind, Jesus, like. And I
started, all of a sudden, getting a peace that
made no sense in the situation I was in. My mind
being taken off of that thing and focusing on
something else. Me being able to meet a situation
with love instead of anger and upset. All of
a sudden, like, my behaviors slowly started,
lately, they started shifting. And a lot of them
were rooted in a peace that made no sense that
I got from Jesus Christ. And that was when he
really revealed to me, like, he's all I need.
my entire life substances had been an idol for
me and I felt like that was the way to handle
things that was the way to control things that
was the way to do things and Jesus showed me
that no he is the way and I don't need any of
those things and that if he's telling me that
those things are a danger and harm for me I don't
need to question him I need to trust him because
he's been telling me when I look back for so
long that these things are causing harm in your
life these things are causing damage in your
life You know, I grew up, again, as I said, having
addicts in the family, there was one person who
they kept saying that they just want to be someone
who can only have one drink, who can just have
a drink and have fun, and that they aspire that
for the rest of the family. And I believe that
they truly believe that they could reach a point
where, oh yeah, I can just have a social drink
and not go back to it. And my personal belief,
I don't believe that. that is the good headspace
to be in or the correct thinking, but that is
a thought process I started adopting after hearing
it for so long. I started thinking, well, maybe
one day I'll be one of those people, like I can
just occasionally smoke a BZ or something like
that and be good. And the Lord really revealed
to me, you're not one of those people. You're
not one of those people and you shouldn't strive
to be one of those people. Because when I look
back every time I fell back into something it
came from just just one time just until this
runs out just until that and then I'll go back
to sober lifestyle and The Lord had to instill
a real conviction of me of never again, and he
had taken me You know to the story of Solomon
You know the Lord Really revealed to me the story
of Samson. I called him Solomon at first the
story of Samson and You know how he was taken
down by Delilah and this has been a long time
since I've read the story So I'm just coming
off of off of my mental. Okay, but the Lord gave
him a couple a Couple rules a couple things of
like you you shall not cut your hair. You shall
not you gave him a couple Covenants there were
a couple covenants a couple agreements that they
came into Because I was having a really hard
time grasping was like well Lord scripture doesn't
say that you cannot at all drink Scripture doesn't
you know it says to be sober minded. It does
say it's a sin to be a drunkard It does say you
know to live our lives apart from the world and
the world glorifies drinking the world glorifies
smoking I do believe that scripture is very evident
that you are not meant to be a drunkard that
you are not meant to be a stoner that you are
not meant to consistently be participating and
partaking in these things that you're not supposed
to partake to excess um you know gluttony but
doesn't say that you can't partake in general
just as you can't partake to excess was my first
understanding of it when i was reading it's like
so i'm having a hard time understanding like
lord are you telling me that one day i'm going
to be a person where i can every so often um
partake and just not partake to excess and enjoy
life in that way um is Am I misunderstanding
scripture? Like, I had a really hard time because
at that time, especially being very fresh in
my walk with Christ, I was looking for straight
up biblical accuracy, you know, and I was getting
a bit overwhelmed where it was like, it felt
like, wow, the life of a Proverbs 31 woman or
the life of a woman of God is a lot different
than the life I'm living. These are a lot of
changes. How can I make all these changes immediately?
there's a lot of overwhelm and one of those was
that in reading scripture and when i was looking
at scripture i was like so yeah scripture definitely
points to moderation and points to not turning
to these things as idols and not going to a space
of excess and i i've seen multiple people that
i believe love god and appear to um live very
good christian lives i occasionally will have
a glass of wine or something like that so i'm
like I was having a hard time with coming to
a full sobriety conviction. So the Lord brought
me to that story of Samson and showed me that
it is in God's character to give convictions
to people of, I know other people partake in
this thing, but you cannot partake in this thing.
I know other people cut their hair. But you're
not going to be cutting your hair. I know other
people can go to funerals. You're not allowed
to go to funerals. I know other people can be
drinking, but you're not to drink. I know other
people can do these things. You are not to be
doing these things. And the Lord had really revealed
to me, I know other people can go out and every
so often have a glass of wine or something like
that, but you're not going to be one of those
people. And there is more reason, and I really,
I remember writing this down in my journal so
heavily, I felt like the Lord told me there's
more reasons than I even realize of why He's
calling me to a life of sobriety. There are more
reasons now that I realized compared to back
then But I'm sure that there are even more that
are gonna come up in the next coming years That
I don't recognize and I'm gonna be like, oh lord
that made a lot of sense. I felt like he really
told me that just If I trust him Believe him
when he is saying that I have to be 100 % sober
for the rest of my life like that that is where
I'm striving for superiority for the rest of
my life and just trust His guidance and that
and He has done amazing things in my life and
trusting in that guidance I'll say that 100 %
and That isn't saying that temptation hasn't
followed because oftentimes after we hear from
God there is a temptation to go in the other
direction and to believe that maybe we didn't
hear from God. Maybe what we thought we heard
isn't what we heard. And I got hit with a lot
of temptation to go back to the person I was.
After I got that sobriety conviction, I was still
in California. And you know what was less than
a hundred feet away from me? A smoke shop. Where
they leave a dispensary where they leave and
it's dispensary both back next to each other
where it's totally legal Where you can go in
anytime you want and get it anytime you want
And when the Lord called me to come back to Indiana
I knew that going back to my hometown meant I
was going back to be around all of my old temptations
Going back to my hometown, this was the town
that I ran around and partied at. This was the
town where all the people that I partied with,
many still dwell. This is the town where there
are many people who I grew up watching them in
addiction are still in addiction. When I came
back here, I was very quickly offered beers and
offered things like that and I had to say no.
I had to turn them down. When I was pursuing
groups of people like when I was pursuing new
friend groups Christian friend groups, I found
myself a couple times in settings where they
were drinking and I was the only person not drinking
and I'll be honest. I didn't end up staying with
those groups. I did move forward, but the Lord
really revealed to me that those weren't the
groups for me to be in. But I found myself in
scenarios where other Christians were doing it,
but I still had to say no. You know, I've talked
before about how the Lord delivered me from nicotine
I live around people right now that are I smell
Nicotine every single day are consistently still
using nicotine And I have to consistently I've
been free of nicotine for over a year now and
I have to consistently Make that choice to not
partake in that and to not participate in that
And I'm telling y 'all that this Would not be
possible Without Jesus Christ because every time
in the past y 'all that I have tried to turn
away from nicotine Try to turn away from substances.
I ended up going back because there was nothing
to replace them because it for me It was so many
things. Substances for me was an escape from
emotions. It was an escape from boredom. It was
a way to have fun. It was a way that I just knew
to cope in my daily life. It was a way that I
thought brought out more of my personality. It
was so many things for me. It was such an idol
in my life and it was so many different things
for me. Anything! Like it seems like the most
random opportunities or the most random situations.
would be open doors for me to go back. And the
only reason why I have consistently lived a sober
lifestyle now is because of Jesus Christ, and
he has given me that replacement. He has given
me a peace that surpasses all understanding.
He has given me a joy. I know who I am in Christ.
I know my identity in Christ. He has given me
the strength to say no. times of testing and
times of temptation He has given me multiple
like I've said already Times where I look back
and I'm like, oh my gosh, this is why I needed
to be so reminded This is why you've called me
away from that Lord Jesus. It makes so much sense.
I Have seen the goodness of God and the glory
of God and I'm telling y 'all that this isn't
this wasn't a night and day process like when
I look back Yes, when when the Lord revealed
to me that You know, I had to drop the substances
and everything that wasn't in the moment decision
or that night Okay, threw it all the way when
I look back. It was a long time leading up to
that because it was a long time of multiple different
instances of Trying to give it up myself and
not being able to do it trying to walk away and
not being able to do it so that way i i could
look back and say okay yeah i tried all these
other times and it's very evident that i could
not do it on my own strength it's very evident
the difference like god's hand and god's strength
made in the situation if i wouldn't have had
all those times of trying to do it on my own
i wouldn't have been able to compare um how different
it was having god's hand god's strength god's
influence in the situation You know, if I wouldn't
have made so many mistakes and had so many ruined
situations and ruined relationships, so many
things I can look back and attribute to substance
use. You know, if I wouldn't have had those things,
I wouldn't have been able to say, yeah, that
is a damaging thing in my life. And honestly,
I was one of those people that I had to have
evidence that the past wasn't working to believe
that the past wasn't working. God knows us. He
knows what we need to let go of the past and
I was one of those people that it had to crash
and burn I had to see that it was bad for me
and I had to see that it wasn't the right path
I wasn't in a space of walking by faith And that's
one thing I've seen that the Lord has done so
differently. I'm not saying every time now I
Repent for this and I confess this out loud that
there is sometimes when God tells me something
that like I start overthinking it and I'm like
Instead of just immediately jumping and walking
by faith I start trying to think well, why would
God call me to this? What what what is there
behind this what could come of this? What is?
When he didn't ask me to question he just asked
me to do And there are a lot of things now that
when he calls me and asked me to do I do I do
I am saying that y 'all sometimes I do still
have that pop in my head of okay But what about
this and what about this? What will come of this?
I'm gonna tell y 'all straight up a couple years
ago I would need track records, track history.
I wasn't walking by faith. So the Lord allowed
me to wrap up a track record of these idols not
working and these things not working. By the
time I gave my life to Christ and decided to
live a life of sobriety, decided to turn away
from New Age spirituality, decided to turn away
from getting my fulfillment from attention and
validation and all that, I had already had Decades
of consistently trying it and it not working.
I had decades worth of trial and error It wasn't
like this was my life for two weeks or two months
It was my entire life which at the same time
Felt so risky to me when I was giving my life
to Christ because I was like Lord giving my life
to you is literally giving everything that I
know up Like I'm literally walking into a complete
unknown. I am letting go of everything that I
know everything that brought me peace everything
that brought me comfort everything that brought
me a sense of self everything that brought me
a sense of control and i'm having to trust that
number one you're real and that you're actually
going to take care of this this was an interesting
thing that i was talking to um there was this
little church group that i met last week that
i went out to dinner with and um they were listening
to my testimonies and I told them that there
was a point um soon before I gave my life to
Christ I felt like I was going crazy um because
I was you know in the I was living in the middle
of the desert um I had at this time it was right
before I threw out the tarot cards and threw
out the sub like the open doors But I had already
stopped doing it. So I went through this weird
time period. It was August that I stopped reading
tarot cards for people. And it was late August,
beginning of September that I stopped reading
them for myself. And then I went through a couple
weeks period where they were just like sitting
there. And, you know, at this time I was really
in my Bible, I was really in my scripture. And
same with I'd stopped smoking, but things were
just sitting there. So they weren't being used,
but they weren't being thrown away. And those
were still open doors because keeping those in
my possession, I still had the opportunity to
go back to those things. I wasn't throwing them
out because I wasn't totally putting my faith
that God was going to bring something better
in my life. You know, I was holding onto those
cards because in the back of my mind, what if
God doesn't come through and what if this isn't
real and I have to turn back to those? I don't
have the money to go out and buy new sets. So
I got to keep those. Like that was where my mind
was at. I went through a couple, I went through
that weird kind of period. And it was while I
was in that weird period that God was working
on my heart to get me to make the faith move
of throwing those things out and putting my full
faith in him. And I remember having one day and
this was a day when I had been waiting on God's
provision and I was still looking around and
I felt like it wasn't going to come and I was
weary, I was tired, I was hungry. And I really
felt my mind just being attacked and I was I
was telling these people about this that like
I was sitting there and I literally started thinking
I was going crazy and I started thinking to myself
am I really hearing from God have I really heard
from God or am I just kind of going crazy am
I about to throw away everything from my life
before am I about to throw all of these things
away and I just die here like that was where
my mind was going whereas like if God doesn't
come through and I'm waiting on his provision,
I'm gonna die if he doesn't. Like that was, and
that honestly, when I look logically at like
the moves God was calling me to make, I was truly
sitting and waiting on him to make a move. He
had told me to wait on him, don't try to create
it for myself, just continue to pursue the kingdom
of heaven. And I didn't fully understand what
that meant at the time, you know? So when he
called me to take actions, I was kind of like,
okay, Lord. I see that now was, you know, faith
that works is dead and that was still seeking
births of kingdom. But I had a period where I
was like, well, God's calling me to close these
doors and throw these things out and all of this.
Like, what if the provision doesn't come? What
if these things don't come? Like, what do I do
then? And I started crying out to Lord where
I was like, Lord, I need you. if you are real
and you love me, like I'm about to break down.
I hit a point where I was about to track myself
into a mental health facility because I was that
worried of my mental headspace. And I was like,
God, I need to see something from you. food,
something, some kind of provision, just so I
know. And y 'all, it wasn't even like 10 or 15
minutes later that some random person came up
to me and was like, you look hungry, I'm buying
you a meal, what do you want to eat? And ended
up getting me like, Philly cheesesteak sandwich,
and like a big cinnamon roll, and it was good
food. And I was just breaking down crying that
night, glorifying God, because it was like, he
cares, and he is listening, and he is there,
and it solidified my faith in him. And I was
able then, soon, There were a couple other things
that happened where I completely surrendered
and threw all those things away and closed those
doors and Maybe you listening to this podcast
say you need to hear that that it is so important
to close doors when you're leaving When you feel
God convict you of something and you know he
has told you that that thing is not good for
you, that thing is not healthy for you to leave
it behind, it's important to completely close
the door. At the time when I threw away tarot
cards and threw away all those things, I kept
reading the scripture where it was like if your
hand causes you to sin, cut it off. If your eye
causes you to sin, pluck it out. It's better
that you enter to heaven without an eye or an
arm than to go to hell with your full body. And
I started thinking about that and I was like,
these tarot cards are going to be a cause to
sin one day. One day there's going to be a stressor
that comes in. One day there's going to be something
that triggers me to go back to these things.
And I'm going to go back to those things because
they're sitting here right next to me. So I'm
going to throw those away so that way in my time
of weakness, I don't go back to those things.
I go to God. And I'm going to throw away my,
you know, my little grinder and everything like
that. That was for the marijuana. I'm going to
throw that away. So that way when I have the
temptation to go and buy I don't have any of
the supplies to use it I don't it's too much
money. It's not it would be an inconvenience
Like I'm gonna do what I can to inconvenience
myself to that sense that way when the sin comes
in It's not easy to jump into it And I recognize
that what I was doing up until that point was
I was trying to make it easy So that way if God's
way didn't work out I could easily go back To
my life before and god was calling me to not
make it easy to go back to in fact make it very
difficult to go to go back And glory be to god
i'm telling you all today That These things came
through Submitting and surrendering to jesus.
They didn't come through. I want to make this
very clear y 'all when I Was at this point I
wasn't going to church daily because I was in
the desert in California. I wasn't just getting
Friends and family talking about Jesus to me
because I wasn't talking to anybody Okay, I wasn't
this wasn't from just me listening to daily sermons
because I wasn't on my phone whatsoever It's
conserving my phone battery what I was doing
during this time period was I was in my Bible
like 12 hours a day I was just sitting there
reading my Bible because I had nothing else to
do I was consistently in my word and I was praying
every day. And through that time, the Lord really
revealed to me that I needed to fully surrender
and submit. I remember it was over a year ago
now, I believe it was September 28th, I wrote
in my journal. And this was the day, like this
was after I threw all the tarot cards and everything
away that I wrote down, I fully submit and surrender
my life to the Lord. And I knew in that moment
that what that meant was I am going to put my
understanding aside. I am going to put my fleshly
desires aside. I am going to put what I want
aside and I am going to elevate you, Lord. It
is your understanding not mine. If you tell me
to jump, I will jump. You tell me to jump, I
will jump. How high? How high? I'm not going
to sit here and question, why do you want me
to jump? I'm not going to explain to you why
I shouldn't be jumping. I'm not going to look
for other ways to walk instead of jump. You tell
me to jump, I'm going to jump. You tell me to
cut off this person. This is an unhealthy relationship
and unhealthy connection. I'm going to trust
you. Lord, if you want me to be single for the
rest of my life because that's the best way I
can grow in closeness with you, I'm going to
do that. Lord, you tell me where to work. Lord,
you tell me what to do with my life. Lord, you
reveal to me my callings. It is no longer my
desire. I know that I want all these things for
myself, but obviously all of these desires have
gotten me to the point I'm at. So the first time
in my life, I'm going to truly elevate you and
submit myself. The Lord called me to do some
things that... Real big leaps of faith that felt
scary. It wasn't too long after that that the
Lord called me to give the last ten dollars I
had Away to this man. I thought was homeless
In the past I would have never done that if I
felt that called to me I would have explained
it away and said that's not rational Actually,
that's probably the devil talking to me. That's
probably when if I held up to scripture It is
scripturally bad giving that person had appeared
to have less than I did I wasn't withholding.
I was giving to him. When I held up to scripture,
it was like, no, I don't think the devil is going
to call me to be generous and be denying myself
and giving to this person up here to have less
than me. And the Lord used the act of obedience
to bless me with the money I needed to move back
to Indiana. Now, when I was driving back to Indiana,
rationally, it didn't make sense. because it
didn't appear to be enough money to pay for all
the gas if i did the math with all the miles
and the food and everything along the way but
as i was driving the lord told me just continue
to drive and trust i'll make way and he kept
reminding me of the story of jesus feeding the
five thousand how they made the five thousand
how they made the couple loaves of bread and
the couple fish who exceedingly and abundantly
feed five thousand people not only did jesus
make it stretch for five thousand people But
when they were done, there were multiple liquor
baskets left over. Y 'all, when I got back to
Indiana, I still have over $40 left cash. There
was one point I was driving when I didn't have
to stop and fill up for close to like 500 miles.
When my car does not hold 500 miles worth of
gas, like it made no sense. So up until that
point, I had done the thing of I was raised,
I was going to Catholic Masses. when I was growing
up. I was going to mass. I was in the CCD classes.
I was baptized. I thought I knew the word of
the Lord. I was praying to him every so often.
There were some things I was doing in my life
that I felt like were kind of like Christ -like.
But I had never submitted. the way that I had
submitted. And when I looked back, the Lord allowed
me to get to that point because I was not going
to submit to Him a minute before. If I still
felt like my own ways were working, my own understanding
was working, my own control, I would not have
had the humble heart I did. I shared this in
previous episodes that I did not feel like I
needed a savior from myself, I felt like I needed
a savior from an unjust world, I felt like I
needed a savior from other people, that there
was all this wickedness running around, but that
my intentions were pure, my intentions were good,
God knows my heart, I'm just doing my best, I'm
not hurting nobody. Like all of that, right?
And the word finally allowed me to get to a point
where I None of my ways were working and where
I was looking around like okay The only way out
is another way and where I finally was able to
humble my heart and say it's the Jesus way I'm
telling y 'all today that the Jesus way led to
sobriety for me. I want to circle this back so
we started off with No, I'm well well over a
year sober now of marijuana close to two years
alcohol Well over a year nicotine, and I do not
intend to ever go back I'm never going back I've
shared on here multiple times before that when
I get married one day. It's gonna be a sober
wedding. It's gonna be a dry wedding The one
I'm throwing the holidays and everything like
that people come over expect it to be a sober
one Expected to be a sober one Well, I think
that's I'm not gonna be having alcohol just for
a wine time and chill times in my house like
that That's not the temptation isn't gonna live
in my house. The temptation isn't gonna live
in my celebrations I'm keeping to this covenant
with the Lord. I'm keeping to the saying that
he has called me to and I have seen firsthand
how it has truly impacted my life. It has really
shifted, I'm telling y 'all, the type of people
I attract into my life. Because what you have
in common with people is kind of the people that
you attract. And I no longer have going out to
the bars and drinking and smoking in common with
people. And that weeds out a lot of people. Weeds
out a lot of people. When that's not what you
want to do on a Friday or Saturday night, that
weeds out a lot of people. When that's not even
what you want to do for fun on a weekend, like...
um hang out or anything like that that weeds
out a lot of people the type of things that you
start condoning it weeds out a lot of people
literally choosing the sober lifestyle has radically
shifted um the type of company i keep in my life
has radically shifted the events i go to that
i find fun i used to go out to the bars on the
weekends i used to go out to the clubs i used
to go out to i don't go out to any of those anymore
catch me going out to bible study and young adult
nights 100 percent maybe a sporting event maybe
going to a museum but you're not catching me
going to these places that are also hubs for
lust and fornication and idolatry and just all
these other things sobriety has completely changed
the direction i go and sobriety has allowed me
to um Hold positions. I was able to hold positions
before I'm saying just nicotine itself Not having
nicotine has opened not being a nicotine addict
anymore has opened up many many doors for me
Because I used to only look at jobs where I could
take breaks and go like vape Even when I would
travel places. I didn't want to fly I want to
drive so that way I could hit my vape along the
way I Wouldn't go to events that were longer
than an hour because I wouldn't be able to hit
my vape And now I can work like eight -hour shifts
and not need to leave for that reason whatsoever
i can go to events and not need to leave for
that reason whatsoever i can go stay places i
can go do whatever it has opened up so many doors
not having that thing telling me like tick tick
go outside time's ticking go outside go hit the
vape go hit this go do that i'm not wasting my
money i'm not spending my money i'm not my money's
not going to any of that anymore my brain has
literally been rewired the lord has literally
been rewiring my brain that's another thing that
he did for me like in the sober walk is like
I don't find myself tempted to go hit a vape
anymore I don't find myself tempted to go drink
like when stressful things come up my mind honestly
it no longer goes to wish I could smoke wish
I could drink my mind goes to I'm gonna pray
to the Lord I'm gonna pray to God I'm gonna get
my Bible I'm gonna get my scripture he has literally
rewired my brain you know at first At first I
was tempted to go back to those things, but because
now for so long I've been practicing going to
the Lord instead, that is just my, the Lord is
my coping. I lay it at Jesus' feet. I go to him
and I receive a peace that surpasses all understanding.
Or I receive word, I receive guidance, I receive
instruction, I receive joy. That's a wonderful
thing. I want someone needs to hear that today
It's not gonna be your life forever When you
when the Lord is truly your source when you're
truly submitted and surrendered to him I know
at first it feels like I have to deny myself
I have to keep saying no to this thing and make
myself go to Jesus I have to and that was my
process at first I had to say no, I'm not turning
to that. I'm gonna go to the Bible. I'm gonna
go to prayer and then It's like you don't even
realize it but one day you wake up and that's
your normal coping when something happens and
it's not even for me anymore like a panic like
i need to get my bible i need to get in prayer
right now ah it's when something happens it's
like yeah but this is my sign to go to jesus
this is my sign to go to prayer this is my sign
to go read scripture and like that's just naturally
what i gravitate towards i gravitate towards
worshiping the lord putting on some good worship
music and just Being in a time of worship, sharing
my testimonies, glorifying the Lord. When you
practice it and when it becomes, it becomes habit.
And that's what sobriety has become for me. It's
just become my life. It's become a habit. I'm
not waking up every day saying I need to be sober.
I'm not waking up every day saying I have to
make the conscious decision. It's just my life
now. And I've been hit with so many temptations,
so many opportunities to go back. And it's like,
I'm able to just immediately say, no, I don't
drink. No, I don't smoke. No, I don't want to
go through that. No, I'm good. And there used
to be a guilt with saying no, and now it's like
there's not a guilt. Now it's like I've had it
so confirmed that this is what God is calling
me to that I don't care whether or not you're
offended that I want to drink or not. I'm saying
no. And I'm doing what God has called me to do.
Glory be to God. Because that wasn't always the
way I handled things, y 'all. So yeah, I owe
my sobriety to Jesus 100 % to Jesus 100 % He
is the cup that I now he is the living water
really he is the well that I draw my water from
and The water I was drinking before Was not bringing
eternal life You know, when I was getting my
peace, my joy, my fulfillment from substances,
from relationships, from attention, from all
these other things. Sure, you might have that
dopamine hit or that temporary fix, but eventually
that would run out and you would need more. Like
how Jesus promised the woman at the well that
like, I could give you living water where you
would never need to drink again. And it's like,
Jesus is the well that never runs out. All of
these other things, they will run out. If you're
getting your fulfillment, your joy, your happiness
from relationships, from people, from all these
other things, that will eventually run out. There's
going to be a day where something doesn't satisfy
you, where you need more of something. But that's
not the same with Jesus. It's not the same with
the Heavenly Father. It's such a deep well that
it will never run out. I have learned to now
take from the living water I have learned to
take from the well and Not from all of these
external things that we dig for ourselves. I'm
not trying to dig my own wells instead. I'm going
to the well That died for me does that make sense
I hope that makes sense the way I'm wording this
to you guys and That has radically shifted and
changed everything in my life And I know that
there's someone listening to this today too that
needs to hear make Jesus your well Make Jesus
the source of what you pull from Make him the
source of what you go to for comfort make him
the source of all things We know that his Jesus
is the vine his father is the vine dresser. We
cannot do anything apart from him So why do you
think you can find joy peace happiness fulfillment
and anything apart from him? I'm here today to
tell you that going to church and just reading
the Bible Quoting scripture having godly friends.
That's not surrender to Christ surrender to Christ
Surrendering to the Heavenly Father is his way
above yours. It is true denial of the flesh It
is walking by faith not by say and I'm not saying
that God expects you to just like I said I Felt
overwhelmed at first thinking he expects me to
just change my life in a day. He doesn't but
he does want you to submit your will to his.
There's a reason why Jesus says, you know, to
take up and carry your cross. Whoever loses his
life will find it. I had to lose my life. I had
to lose my previous life to find this new life
in Jesus Christ. But it doesn't run out. I'm
telling y 'all today that submission is different.
Submission is and that's not saying that you're
putting your feelings aside because I have this
deep fear That I would just have to put my feelings
aside and God wouldn't care about my feelings
God cares about our feelings and God cares about
our hearts But I want to share with you all a
prayer that helped me immensely that I know Is
going to help someone else to hear and I was
praying this multiple times a day Let's pray
God change my heart to want what you want for
me Know your character. I know that you are a
loving father and you want what is best for me
and things that you want online with your will
and If what I am desiring right now and what
I want to do with my life the choices I want
to make if this is not What you desire for me
if this is not your will take that desire out
of my heart and replace it Replace it in my heart
with your desires. I pray that I want what you
want Because I know That what you want for me
is good You know what I want for me I feel like
is gonna be good, but God knows what is good
So God I pray that I want what you want because
I know that your understanding is above mine
So whatever you place in my heart I know it's
gonna be for my good and for the good of those
around me It's gonna be good for the kingdom
not just for me, which means it's gonna be good
on my walk with Christ And I had to pray that
so many times over and I remember I was praying
to the Lord where it was like, Lord, when you
allow me to go back out into the world again,
I pray that I look for you in every environment
I go into. I pray that I don't take a job where
you are not present. That I don't find comfort
in friend groups where you are not present. I
pray that I look for you first and I make sure
that this is a place that is cultivating my relationship
with you, that this is a place that is glorifying
you. I pray, Lord Jesus, keep that fire and that
desire in me. I was y 'all pouring out that prayer
multiple times a day. And I remember when I was
buying clothes for the first time since then,
and it was my first time shopping for modest
clothing. And what just kept playing in my head
when I was buying clothing was buy things that
glorify God. And I started thinking, what glorifies
God? And my brain started rewiring to only buy
things that you feel comfortable wearing in church.
And now that's not saying, I buy jeans now, and
t -shirts and stuff like that. I probably wouldn't
wear those to church now. I am one of those people,
I like to wear my dresses and like to dress a
little bit more nicely when I go to church. But
when I was thinking modestly, I was, and that
was how my brain had rewired. I'd never thought
before when I was shopping, buy clothes that
glorify God. And you know, I was kind of new
to hearing that. So when I was thinking what
glorifies God, my brain went to, well, what would
you feel comfortable wearing in church? Like
modest covering wise? What level of coverage?
And that was a really good starting line for
me. And my journey of modesty, it has really
grown. they've been able to like work on style
and everything but It's crazy how the rewiring
of your brain goes because when I really started
saying my brain time gonna submit my will to
the Lord and Try to live a life pleasing him
when I started looking to him for guidance and
for understanding I started realizing that my
understanding was not God's understanding and
When you really implement that it's crazy the
differences the shifts and the changes that can
happen in your life So yeah, I'm here to tell
y 'all today that sobriety Is a choice for you
is something that can happen for you and if your
problem isn't Substances whatever has become
an idol in your life. Whatever you are executing
your will over God's will in your life That can
shift and that can change through the power of
Jesus Christ It is a possibility stop coming
into the agreements the demonic agreements of
this is just how I am And this is just how I
cope and this is just how it's always gonna be
and it's never gonna change That's not from God
Okay, so stop coming into agreement with that
stop coming into agreement with that you know
the power of life and death lies in the tongue
and Stop feeding into that. Okay, stop stop giving
that fire stop feeding that and instead start
reminding yourself of the promises of god and
who god says you are and remember that he didn't
give you a spirit of fear and that no weapons
formed against you shall prosper if i want to
be very thoughtful when i say this no weapons
that formed against you shall prosper you need
to be submitting to the lord okay And I've shared
a, I'm not going to go too deep in that, but
I've shared a prior testimony on here of when
I was crying out to God saying, God, you always
said the weapons wouldn't prosper, but they appear
to be prospering. They've knocked me down. And
God had to get real with me where he was like,
okay, but have you been listening to me? Have
you been submitting your way to me? Yes, I told
you that no weapons swung against you should
prosper. Yes, I made you these promises, but
you also need to be submitting to my voice. You
need to be listening to my instruction and my
guidance, but instead you've been executing your
own will. and doing what you think is right and
what you want to do and the time that you want
to do it. So when you're not listening, what
do you expect? You're not going to get the 100
% result if you're putting in 20 % of the effort.
You're only doing 20 % submission. And I don't
know, maybe someone listening to this today needs
to hear that too. If you're upset that you're
not seeing 100 % of God's promises, are you putting
in 100 % submission? Are you listening to Him?
Now, I'm not saying that he's asking you to be
perfect. I'm not saying, have you done everything
perfectly? What I'm saying is, are you trying
your best to be submitted to him? Are you trying
your best to flee temptation? When he's telling
you to do these things, are you giving into the
ego? Are you giving into the pride? Are you giving
into your own will? Or are you denying yourself
and submitting to God's will? Because his promises,
you do need to be submitting to him. we see time
and time again what happens in the Bible when
rebellion and disobedience comes in and it's
not the lovely promises of God that follow it's
usually destruction and suffering and famine
and sadness and all of these things and I feel
just called today to say you've given your life
your will your understanding enough tries why
don't you try Jesus's way 100 % What can you
lose at this point? So I pray that this episode
has blessed you this was the salt not sweetener
podcast And I am your host Danielle towns And
I do ask that y 'all subscribe to this episode
wherever you're listening to this podcast And
share it with somebody reshare it on your social
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share it to people. It's a lot more helpful than
you realize, okay? Please come back for the next
episode. I'm sure it'll be just as exciting.
Have a wonderful Monday. God bless.