Welcome to her comeback. I'm so glad you're back
with me. This is where 50 isn't your finish line.
It is your starting point. The starting point
of everything you want your life to be. The person
that you are meant to be. I'm your host, Michelle
Thompson, and we are proving that your best chapter
may just be the one you haven't written yet.
We'll continue each episode featuring honest
conversation with women who have stopped going
at it alone and have found their way to fulfillment,
joy, and purpose in their second act. You'll
hear about their struggles, their breakthroughs
and the practical steps that they took to create
lives that they actually love. This podcast will
show you how other women have made their comeback
and how you can too. Welcome back. Hi, good day
everyone. I am so happy to have with us today,
Lisa Panos. She is the author of Big Girl Pants.
And she also is a relationship advisor who's
been helping individuals and couples navigate
meaningful change for over 12 years. She's trained
through the Martha Beck Institute. Martha Beck
is Oprah Winfrey's life coach. and the Gottman
Institute, and they are known worldwide for its
research -based approach to relationships. What
makes her work different is that she doesn't
just teach tools, she helps people understand
themselves. Her work is rooted in emotional awareness,
personal responsibility, and the belief that
change begins when we stop blaming others and
start listening to our big scary feelings. She
specializes in working with people in midlife,
often in second marriages, blended families or
long -term partnerships under pressure from stress,
transitions or change who want things that lasting
change, not just a quick fix. So please join
me in welcoming Lisa. Lisa, I'm so happy to have
you. Thank you. I'm so excited to be here. This
is fun. Yes. I had the pleasure of meeting you
at a networking event with other women, and we've
just gotten to know each other better since then,
and you're just an amazing person. So thank you
for being here. Likewise. Thank you. Well, I
have a few questions that we'll get started with
and feel free to let the conversation go where
it does. We talk through some different areas.
So take us back to third grade. What happened
when you first became aware of yourself and how
you showed up in relationships? That's a great
question. So in third grade, my parents didn't
think I was doing well. I was in a public school.
My parents didn't think I was doing well. I was
really shy. I wouldn't talk. And they were worried
I was kind of getting lost with all the big classrooms,
right? With all the people in it. So they pulled
me out. They stuck me in a private school in
hopes that I would flourish. So when I went to
the private school, I had to be held back in
third grade because I wasn't keeping up with
the curriculum of the third graders. So I was
held back in third grade and I think right then
I started to internalize I'm not smart enough
right and it was just my first thought of awareness
of myself like something's wrong with me I'm
not smart enough so this whole journey has I
look back on that began then my first belief
of myself was Jeez, I'm not as good as the other
kids. So how did that continue that feeling of
less than or not good enough, like early on shape
the way you related to other people just as you
grew up? Yeah, well, I had that belief, right?
I'm not good enough. And I couldn't read quickly
enough in the classrooms. I couldn't keep up
with the other girls. My grades weren't as good.
And I started feeling jealous. insecure. I had
all those big scary feelings we talk about. And
by the time I was in seventh grade, I didn't
know what to do with those feelings. So I became
a mean girl and I bullied the other girls to
make myself feel better because I didn't know
what else to do with those emotions. So back
then we weren't taught to, to deal with your
emotions or your thoughts or, or your beliefs.
And so I started just becoming the mean girl
and got suspended from seventh grade for being
mean. Wow. That seems crazy to me because you
are the complete opposite of a mean girl. Now
I am. Thank you God. It's so hard to see that.
Wow. What do you understand now about that version
of yourself when you say that you were a mean
girl? How do you understand that now? Well, now
I understand it as I didn't know what to do with
my thoughts, right? I didn't know what to do
with them. And over the years and in time, through
growth and getting to midlife, I've had to sit
with these emotions and realize, you know, what
they mean. I think I understand that as just
not knowing what to do with my emotions. I didn't
know how to respond to the things I felt inside,
and they were big, scary feelings, and nobody's
going to say out loud, I feel insecure, I feel
jealous, I feel less than. We don't know how
to do that. So now, in all my relationships,
I can pause. and say, what am I feeling right
now? Am I feeling suffocated? Am I feeling, how
am I feeling? And so I can kind of navigate my
relationships a lot easier by understanding myself
better and the feelings I have within each relationship.
Are there other emotional patterns that started
showing up and repeating? I think you were kind
of alluding to that there, but are there other
things that you saw? Absolutely. Growing up,
I lived in a lovely neighborhood, white picket
fence, all the fun things. And I started realizing
that, or not realizing, I started being afraid
that I wasn't as good as, again, the same feeling
of childhood as I'm not good as. This was more
like financially, we can't keep up with everyone
else, right? On the outside, we could, and we
did all the things, but that fear. Underneath
all those feelings manifested and so I really
started to have these again these feelings of
jealousy and Comparison and all those things.
So then that spun into a nice big Happy divorce
with my husband because I took out all those
emotions on him all those fears on him You need
to work harder or you know, I had so much pressure
that I put on on him that it just ended up spiraling
and ended up divorced. So again, lesson learned
is I didn't know how to deal with my emotions,
right? And I, I wanted to blame him. I didn't
ever stop to say what's going on with me. And
that's where the magic happened. When I finally
said, okay, this isn't about everyone else. I
can't keep blaming everyone else for things that
aren't going well in my life. Was there a particular
Pivotal event that made you have that realization
about you had to create eight your own happiness.
Was there something that brought you to that?
Yeah, this is a funny story. So I think it was
the first week we were divorced. I was in it.
I had quit my job. I had left my husband. I had
like just I was like, I'm starting over. I'm
starting from scratch. Anyway, so I was in an
apartment and he was in an apartment and he had
the kids. It was the first night he had the kids.
And I said to him, you have to have them in bed
by nine o 'clock. They were, I don't know, middle
school. You have to have them in bed by nine
o 'clock. Next thing I know, I get a text from
one of my daughters at 10 and I lose it because
I'm like, he didn't have them in bed by 10. Pick
up the phone and I called him and I said, the
girls are supposed to be in bed by 10. And he
said to me, you can't control me anymore. And
it was this moment where I was like, so angry.
Like, who are you to tell me that? But it was
the moment I was like, I can't. I have to start
figuring myself out. And I will never forget,
as long as I lived, because as mad as I was,
it was the most truthful someone had been with
me, or I had to learn to be with myself. And
I was like, wow, I have been controlling. I am
controlling. And it just started this process
of, I need to figure out who I am. I need to
figure out why I blame and why I feel the way
I feel. And I know you talk about fully owning
your truth. Is that what you're talking about?
When you, when you say that a hundred percent,
a hundred percent, you know, my feelings and
the things that come up for me and my fears are
my truth. And instead of responding from a place
of fear, which usually comes out as anger or
control or, you know, unhealthy patterns, I have
to stop and say, what am I feeling right now?
Right? What am I doing that is pushing the blame
on somebody else. And it's easy. I get in these
patterns all the time. I get mad at my current
husband now because of nothing. And I have to
stop and say, I'm not feeling happy in my own
world right now. I'm not working hard enough.
I'm not doing all the things that I want to do
that fulfill me. So instead of blame, now I really
pull it back in and said, what's going on with
me? This is about me. This is not about anybody
else. Yeah, that's great. That's so true. It's
like taking that pause. Yes. And was it a process
for you? Like you're describing it, how to sit
with those difficult emotions today. How did
you get to that place where, okay, I can pause,
I can sit with this. Talk us through that. What
does that look like? Well, when I first saw I,
when I left my job and I was going through my
divorce, I decided I want to be a life coach.
My my previous jobs have always been teaching
or travel agency or Fundraising it had always
been worth working with other people and I was
kind of that person everyone came to I was that
safe place But I didn't feel like I was that
safe place in my own body. Does that make sense?
So I said, you know what? I'm gonna this is what
I want to do. I love being with people. I love
working with people I love the psychology and
the emotions behind people and I'm gonna take
this year -long course from Martha Beck, who
again is Oprah's life coach. And I remember the
first day I was in class, it was my birthday
12 years ago, which is in March. And she said,
okay, day one, she's like, I want everyone to
sit. in the chair and put your hands on your
knees and I want you to start feeling your emotions
from top to bottom. And I was like, screw this.
I am an empty the dishwasher. Why are we doing
this lesson? I'm like, this is not for me. I
am not gonna sit and be woo woo and all that
stuff. So I kind of ignored it. And then as the
year went on and I learned how to, the tools
to bring it in, I was like, oh. she's actually
making some sense. I actually can sit back and
take the time to just acknowledge myself, acknowledge
my feelings. So I started off with totally like,
nope, I'm not doing this. This is weird. This
is woo -woo. This is not me. And in time I learned
to say, okay, how am I feeling? And just sit
with it for a minute. And it's scary when you're
not used to sitting with it. It's really scary
because you don't want to own your truth sometimes.
So it just started that path of rolling into,
okay. I get myself. I understand myself more.
That's great. Love that. Why do you think that
midlife is often that moment when women are finally
ready to face their emotions instead of avoiding
them? That's a good question. I think women at
our age are done. The kids are being raised.
You've, you've powered into your careers or whatever
you're doing. And it's now being, we're just
being, we're just at this space where we've done
all the stuff and now we're recognizing how we
want to feel every single day, how we want to
wake up and how we want to continue to live the
rest of our lives. And instead of climbing the
ladder and doing all the things, now we can sit
back and say, how do I want to feel every day?
I want to feel really happy when I put my head
on the pillow. And when I wake up in the morning
and instead of. allowing the drama around me,
I want to create this piece inside of me and
only I get to do that. That's great. I love that
too. So if someone listening feels stuck and
their relationships are just within themselves,
what's the first step that you would encourage
them to take? Well, I think The easiest and I
shouldn't say it's easiest because it's not the
easiest is just getting curious. So let's say
you're angry at the lady in the grocery store
in front of you, right? She's going slowly. She's
paying with coins. You're frustrated. You're
not happy by it. And we want to be angry. We
want to be mad. We want to be great. Our bodies
are going to react a certain way. And a lot of
times we need to pause and think like, I'm not
really mad at that lady. What am I frustrated
about underneath this? What is my fear? What
is going on with me? And just to get really,
really curious, every time you have a thought
or an emotion, what's underneath that? Because
a lot of times we're angry up here at this level.
And we never stop to say, why is this? Why am
I feeling this? I'll tell you a quick story.
And this is kind of funny, but I think it was
a couple months ago when I was walking on the
beach with my husband. I forget what happened.
I think something happened with a girlfriend
from home. Like she wasn't returning my calls
or just something. And I was like, she's not,
she doesn't care about me anymore. Blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah. And my husband was just like,
yeah, that's hard or whatever. And I stopped
in the middle of the beach and I start yelling.
And I'm like, you don't care about me. I'm sad.
I have this complete breakdown. And he's like,
what is going on? And so I had to go home and
I had to pick it apart. And I said, why am I
yelling at my husband? And I was feeling sad
about my relationship with my friend. I was feeling
like I remembered the moment I was like, I'm
not doing enough in my business. Like I want
to be doing more. I'm playing small. I want to
be doing more. I didn't like who I was that moment
of that day. So it wasn't about my husband. It
wasn't really about my friend. It wasn't, it
was, I didn't feel whole. I didn't feel complete.
I didn't feel like I was living to my full potential.
So that is what I had to strip down. But before
I'd just be angry at somebody else, right? I
blame somebody else. It's my friend's fault who
didn't call me back. It's my husband's fault
who didn't just bow down and say, oh, sweetheart,
I'm so sorry. It was my fault. So I just think
curious about the why underneath the feelings
you have. I think that is really, it's hard.
But once you start doing it, you realize why
you feel the way you do. And the stress is often
caused by ourselves and not somebody else. Think
about women in midlife. Why do you think that
it's often a crisis like a divorce or emptiness?
It could be any type of crisis. Why is it that
often it takes that before we decide to make
changes? What's your thoughts? I think for a
lot of women, we've just had enough of feeling
the way we feel. What happens at this stage of
life is we're becoming a lot more Thank you.
maybe going back more towards authenticity, like
being who you really wanted to be all along and
less of living according to how everyone else
sees you or you think they see you. And I think
that you hit this plateau in life where you're
like, I don't really care how everyone else sees
me. I care how I feel myself. And I feel like
at this age, we've been through so many other
things in our lives that we can stop and say,
all right, this is my turn. This is my chance
to feel really good in my body about myself.
And who cares how somebody feels about us or
who cares what's happening in our external world.
But I think it's just a time for us to slow down
a little bit. And again, midlife can be anywhere
from 45 to 65. Is that what you consider? So
we're all at different phases. So the empty nester
is going to have one path of I'm lonely and I
don't know what to do with myself anymore. I
don't know if I love my husband or if I want
to continue to be with him. And so it's just
more of an awakening and awareness noticing something
doesn't feel right in our bodies. Does that make
sense? It does. Yeah. I often refer to it as
just that feeling of getting sick and tired of
being sick and tired. A hundred percent. Yes.
Yeah. And doing something about it finally. Right.
I'm sick of living in this way. It's that pain
of staying where you are becomes greater than
the fear of doing something else. Right. Perfectly
put. Absolutely. Yeah. So true. You mentioned
that you had your own career transformation,
leaving fundraising and some things you were
doing, then coming into life coaching. So that
was kind of your first career transformation,
as I understand it. But I think in our conversations,
it sounds like you're kind of doing another transformation.
Like you're kind of recreating some things in
your business now. Do you want to share those
with us? Sure. I started off with just basic
life coaching. I will help anyone that has a
problem in their lives. And that was all well
and good, but I really started loving the relationship
piece of it. The marriages and the mother daughter
relationship and the friend relationship. And
as I started learning and growing and going back
for more training in the relationship arena,
I'm realizing that's just what I want to do.
Not that I don't want to help everyone, but I
can't. And I really want to specialize in really
marriages and individuals who want to get to
know themselves better so that they can be in
happy marriages. So I'm really pivoting to just
focusing on one thing and training in just one
thing and feeling like confident and knowing
that I've done this for so many years. It's time
to step it up a little bit. I got this. Yeah.
And once again, you're being true to yourself,
right? Yes. You learn through these different
experiences, and you know that this is an area
that means something to you and gives you fulfillment.
And that's what you're doing. You're going after
it. Yeah. And I love the word fulfillment when
you pull that up, because I think that's what
everyone wants, right? Everyone in life is looking
for some sort of fulfillment in what that is.
And how am I going to get that? So I love that
word. That's a really powerful word. Yes. And
you mentioned in the conversations too, that
you're specifically looking for people in their
marriages or relationships that want to make
it work. I really love that. We all know the
divorce rate is high. There's chances that you're
not going to make it or more than you make it,
that kind of thing. Or maybe it's even, I don't
know, but tell me maybe a little bit more about
that focus on working it out and getting to that.
place with the person that you love that works
for you both? Well, I think the most important
piece is to make sure both people are willing
to work on the marriage. They want to stay together,
but more importantly, that they're willing to
work on themselves. They're willing to look in
the mirror and say, I'm defensive. I'm controlling.
I'm overpowering. I shut down. Really look at
themselves. And if people aren't willing to look
at themselves, it's really hard to help a relationship.
So two people have to be solid in order to make
the marriage solid. So I find that it's really
important to find these people who they're not
just coming to me to say they went to counseling
or coaching or whatever. that leads them to a
divorce or leads them for an excuse to leave.
I want them to come to me. They're both in it
to win it. They both want to make this work.
And usually what happens is a lot of, and it's
often women, they've checked out. They hit a
wall and they've checked out. And the men are
like, wait, I'm about to lose my wife. I need
to do something. And sometimes it's too late.
So what I really want to do is get these people
before they go down that path because You've
been divorced, I've been divorced, right? And
we're both remarried. Second marriages, they're
just as hard, right? You're learning, you're
taking your old tools, you're taking your old
behaviors, you're taking your old thoughts and
beliefs. And now you've got a new marriage and
rape. So now you've got blended families and
you've got all that stuff. And it's a lot easier.
I wouldn't have stayed with my first husband,
love him to death, but I wouldn't have stayed
with them. But I wouldn't have gotten to the
place I am had I not left him. However, I want
people before they have to go through that pain
to figure out how to own their own truth and
so that they can be the best person they can
in a relationship with a partner. Great. That
is beautiful. I want to get back to the book
you wrote. So Big Girl Pants. It was quite a
few years ago, right? There anything different
you would say in that book today or maybe is
there another book on the horizon? Like for you,
I love this conversation. You know, I think that
there will be another book and I reread. I remember
writing this book. It had to been 10 years ago
and I reread it. I put it down and put it away
and I reread it. I don't know. It was like six
months ago when I got this inkling of maybe I'll
write another book and I read it and I was like,
This is totally not me anymore. This is not,
I have come so far from when I wrote this. A
lot of this was blaming my husband. A lot of
this was how to find, like put on your big girl
pants and be empowered. But the things that I
know now are so much greater than what I knew
then. I thought when I wrote that book, I was
like the guru. I knew it all. And now I'm reading
it and I'm like, oh, how did I say that? I'm
so much better now. So yes, I kind of want to.
think about writing another book. It's in the
thought process, so we'll see. But I love that,
that you're able to, to look back and say, Hey,
look how much I've grown. Yeah. And from the
beginning of our conversation, you talked about
some things in childhood and how things were,
things got, and then how you changed. And then
yet again, more transformation through the more
recent years. And it's all just becoming a better
version of you. And I know that's my goal. Like
when I face challenges and hard things, I want
to grow. I want to become. a better version of
myself. And having that willingness is from my
experience, just key to happiness. What you were
talking about get being able to be happy and
sit with who I am today. I think that's so powerful.
I also think a lot of people don't want to look
at that. They they're fine where they are. Status
quo is fine for them. And that's fine. If that
makes them happy, that's great. I just think,
and we found each other cause we're both on the
same path. Like let's keep growing. Let's keep
like empowering ourselves to do better. And so
I feel like the right people when they find us
or when they find each other or when they find
themselves, they want to go down that path. They
want to say, Oh my gosh, I'm doing something
in my life that makes me feel really good. And
so I love that we're both doing that at the same
time. Yes, me too. You mentioned that there is
maybe a new program or new service that you're
kicking off in your business? Tell us about that.
I am going to kick off a six month intensive
private coaching where I'm just working with
individuals and the couples together. So for
six months, I'm going to work with the individuals
on themselves, the couples on how they work together
and just not only coach them or help them, but
more advise and teach them tools. So through
the Gottman. Institute, I learned all these tools
that are research backed that had I had these
tools when I was first married, I could have
made it work or I could have tried to make it
work or I had no self awareness. I didn't know
what tools I needed to use. And I remember going
to therapy with my husband. And for me, it was
more talk about what's bothering you and not
the tools to how to make this work. And so I
really want to help people not only work together,
learn themselves and what they bring to the table
and what baggage they bring and what emotions
and what childhood behaviors they brought, but
then put them together so that they're now practicing
these tools with each other with the better version
of themselves. So I'm really excited about this.
What a great service. What a great program. I'm
interested to hear about your success with that
and how that goes. When you're able to help a
couple or an individual get through some of this
stuff that we've talked about and you see the
growth in other people, we were talking about
the growth we see in ourselves, but when you
see growth in other people, how does that make
you feel? Gosh, it is the best feeling. If I
get off a call with a zoom call with a couple
and they start off and they're so angry and they're
so mad and they're, you know, and we step back,
we use their tools and by the end they're touching
again and they're having conversations and they're
coming back to themselves. And I walk out of
my office and I'm like, yes, like I love it.
It makes me so, so happy because most of everyone
needs some help, right? Everyone needs help in
their lives and their careers and their relationships
and everything. So it's the most empowering thing
for me. I feel. complete and I feel happy and
I feel fulfilled. And then I can be a better
and a better friend and a better mom. So. That's
beautiful. And Lisa, thank you so much. You're
just a beautiful soul. And I'm just so happy
that we met and that you're just part of my journey.
It's wonderful. If others would want to get in
touch with you, what's the best way for them
to do that? Well, right now my website, which
is www .lisapanos .com it is it might still be
under construction it is still under construction
because I'm adding these new programs but that's
the best way to get a hold of me and there's
a contact me button on there and I would love
to hear from anyone who needs just a little boost
a little pep in their steps. All right great
that's great and do you do zoom meetings and
one -on -one or what's your format? I do Zoom
meetings. If they're local in Naples, Florida,
I will do in person. So it's just kind of depending
on what the needs are, where they're located,
that type of thing. I feel like Zoom a lot of
times is they can do it in their living rooms.
They can have those fights. They can be real
and authentic and no one's around. I feel like
that is good for them. However, however they
want to work though, I'm here for them. That's
great. Well, Lisa, I wish you continued success
in all that you do in this chapter. And let's
just keep in touch. You know, we will. You're
so sweet. Thank you for having me on today. I
appreciate it. Thank you so much. Thank you so
much for spending time with me today. I am truly
grateful that you chose to listen in and I hope
that this conversation sparked something meaningful
for you. Please take a moment to subscribe, leave
a review. It helps other women to find us who
need to hear these stories too. And if you know
someone who is ready for their own comeback,
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The question isn't, can I transform my life?
The question is, are you ready? Let's go.