WEBVTT 00:00:09.869 --> 00:00:12.990 Welcome to her comeback. I'm so glad you're back 00:00:12.990 --> 00:00:16.190 with me. This is where 50 isn't your finish line. 00:00:16.309 --> 00:00:19.250 It is your starting point. The starting point 00:00:19.250 --> 00:00:21.989 of everything you want your life to be. The person 00:00:21.989 --> 00:00:25.269 that you are meant to be. I'm your host, Michelle 00:00:25.269 --> 00:00:28.929 Thompson, and we are proving that your best chapter 00:00:28.929 --> 00:00:32.210 may just be the one you haven't written yet. 00:00:32.990 --> 00:00:35.869 We'll continue each episode featuring honest 00:00:35.869 --> 00:00:38.630 conversation with women who have stopped going 00:00:38.630 --> 00:00:41.229 at it alone and have found their way to fulfillment, 00:00:41.670 --> 00:00:45.000 joy, and purpose in their second act. You'll 00:00:45.000 --> 00:00:47.579 hear about their struggles, their breakthroughs 00:00:47.579 --> 00:00:50.539 and the practical steps that they took to create 00:00:50.539 --> 00:00:54.359 lives that they actually love. This podcast will 00:00:54.359 --> 00:00:56.979 show you how other women have made their comeback 00:00:56.979 --> 00:01:01.920 and how you can too. Welcome back. Hi, good day 00:01:01.920 --> 00:01:05.040 everyone. I am so happy to have with us today, 00:01:05.319 --> 00:01:09.819 Lisa Panos. She is the author of Big Girl Pants. 00:01:10.189 --> 00:01:14.370 And she also is a relationship advisor who's 00:01:14.370 --> 00:01:17.409 been helping individuals and couples navigate 00:01:17.409 --> 00:01:20.810 meaningful change for over 12 years. She's trained 00:01:20.810 --> 00:01:23.670 through the Martha Beck Institute. Martha Beck 00:01:23.670 --> 00:01:27.010 is Oprah Winfrey's life coach. and the Gottman 00:01:27.010 --> 00:01:29.730 Institute, and they are known worldwide for its 00:01:29.730 --> 00:01:32.489 research -based approach to relationships. What 00:01:32.489 --> 00:01:34.909 makes her work different is that she doesn't 00:01:34.909 --> 00:01:37.689 just teach tools, she helps people understand 00:01:37.689 --> 00:01:41.250 themselves. Her work is rooted in emotional awareness, 00:01:41.730 --> 00:01:44.409 personal responsibility, and the belief that 00:01:44.409 --> 00:01:47.209 change begins when we stop blaming others and 00:01:47.209 --> 00:01:51.469 start listening to our big scary feelings. She 00:01:51.469 --> 00:01:53.750 specializes in working with people in midlife, 00:01:53.810 --> 00:01:56.849 often in second marriages, blended families or 00:01:56.849 --> 00:02:00.370 long -term partnerships under pressure from stress, 00:02:00.769 --> 00:02:04.709 transitions or change who want things that lasting 00:02:04.709 --> 00:02:08.229 change, not just a quick fix. So please join 00:02:08.229 --> 00:02:12.750 me in welcoming Lisa. Lisa, I'm so happy to have 00:02:12.750 --> 00:02:15.370 you. Thank you. I'm so excited to be here. This 00:02:15.370 --> 00:02:19.139 is fun. Yes. I had the pleasure of meeting you 00:02:19.139 --> 00:02:23.039 at a networking event with other women, and we've 00:02:23.039 --> 00:02:24.979 just gotten to know each other better since then, 00:02:25.060 --> 00:02:27.639 and you're just an amazing person. So thank you 00:02:27.639 --> 00:02:31.689 for being here. Likewise. Thank you. Well, I 00:02:31.689 --> 00:02:34.189 have a few questions that we'll get started with 00:02:34.189 --> 00:02:37.090 and feel free to let the conversation go where 00:02:37.090 --> 00:02:39.810 it does. We talk through some different areas. 00:02:40.110 --> 00:02:44.050 So take us back to third grade. What happened 00:02:44.050 --> 00:02:46.849 when you first became aware of yourself and how 00:02:46.849 --> 00:02:49.680 you showed up in relationships? That's a great 00:02:49.680 --> 00:02:53.259 question. So in third grade, my parents didn't 00:02:53.259 --> 00:02:55.219 think I was doing well. I was in a public school. 00:02:55.400 --> 00:02:57.099 My parents didn't think I was doing well. I was 00:02:57.099 --> 00:02:59.280 really shy. I wouldn't talk. And they were worried 00:02:59.280 --> 00:03:01.939 I was kind of getting lost with all the big classrooms, 00:03:02.180 --> 00:03:03.680 right? With all the people in it. So they pulled 00:03:03.680 --> 00:03:06.900 me out. They stuck me in a private school in 00:03:06.900 --> 00:03:11.060 hopes that I would flourish. So when I went to 00:03:11.060 --> 00:03:14.120 the private school, I had to be held back in 00:03:14.120 --> 00:03:16.439 third grade because I wasn't keeping up with 00:03:16.439 --> 00:03:18.919 the curriculum of the third graders. So I was 00:03:18.919 --> 00:03:22.599 held back in third grade and I think right then 00:03:22.599 --> 00:03:27.080 I started to internalize I'm not smart enough 00:03:27.080 --> 00:03:29.840 right and it was just my first thought of awareness 00:03:29.840 --> 00:03:32.120 of myself like something's wrong with me I'm 00:03:32.120 --> 00:03:35.560 not smart enough so this whole journey has I 00:03:35.560 --> 00:03:39.539 look back on that began then my first belief 00:03:39.539 --> 00:03:42.120 of myself was Jeez, I'm not as good as the other 00:03:42.120 --> 00:03:46.719 kids. So how did that continue that feeling of 00:03:46.719 --> 00:03:50.599 less than or not good enough, like early on shape 00:03:50.599 --> 00:03:53.580 the way you related to other people just as you 00:03:53.580 --> 00:03:57.620 grew up? Yeah, well, I had that belief, right? 00:03:57.860 --> 00:04:00.960 I'm not good enough. And I couldn't read quickly 00:04:00.960 --> 00:04:02.639 enough in the classrooms. I couldn't keep up 00:04:02.639 --> 00:04:04.620 with the other girls. My grades weren't as good. 00:04:04.680 --> 00:04:08.409 And I started feeling jealous. insecure. I had 00:04:08.409 --> 00:04:11.129 all those big scary feelings we talk about. And 00:04:11.129 --> 00:04:13.349 by the time I was in seventh grade, I didn't 00:04:13.349 --> 00:04:15.710 know what to do with those feelings. So I became 00:04:15.710 --> 00:04:18.629 a mean girl and I bullied the other girls to 00:04:18.629 --> 00:04:20.970 make myself feel better because I didn't know 00:04:20.970 --> 00:04:23.370 what else to do with those emotions. So back 00:04:23.370 --> 00:04:27.009 then we weren't taught to, to deal with your 00:04:27.009 --> 00:04:29.209 emotions or your thoughts or, or your beliefs. 00:04:29.509 --> 00:04:31.970 And so I started just becoming the mean girl 00:04:31.970 --> 00:04:34.610 and got suspended from seventh grade for being 00:04:34.610 --> 00:04:39.949 mean. Wow. That seems crazy to me because you 00:04:39.949 --> 00:04:43.670 are the complete opposite of a mean girl. Now 00:04:43.670 --> 00:04:48.769 I am. Thank you God. It's so hard to see that. 00:04:48.769 --> 00:04:52.129 Wow. What do you understand now about that version 00:04:52.129 --> 00:04:54.269 of yourself when you say that you were a mean 00:04:54.269 --> 00:04:57.990 girl? How do you understand that now? Well, now 00:04:57.990 --> 00:04:59.889 I understand it as I didn't know what to do with 00:04:59.889 --> 00:05:01.949 my thoughts, right? I didn't know what to do 00:05:01.949 --> 00:05:05.629 with them. And over the years and in time, through 00:05:05.629 --> 00:05:08.750 growth and getting to midlife, I've had to sit 00:05:08.750 --> 00:05:10.670 with these emotions and realize, you know, what 00:05:10.670 --> 00:05:14.550 they mean. I think I understand that as just 00:05:14.550 --> 00:05:17.290 not knowing what to do with my emotions. I didn't 00:05:17.290 --> 00:05:20.050 know how to respond to the things I felt inside, 00:05:20.149 --> 00:05:22.730 and they were big, scary feelings, and nobody's 00:05:22.730 --> 00:05:24.970 going to say out loud, I feel insecure, I feel 00:05:24.970 --> 00:05:27.509 jealous, I feel less than. We don't know how 00:05:27.509 --> 00:05:30.689 to do that. So now, in all my relationships, 00:05:30.769 --> 00:05:34.199 I can pause. and say, what am I feeling right 00:05:34.199 --> 00:05:38.180 now? Am I feeling suffocated? Am I feeling, how 00:05:38.180 --> 00:05:40.620 am I feeling? And so I can kind of navigate my 00:05:40.620 --> 00:05:43.459 relationships a lot easier by understanding myself 00:05:43.459 --> 00:05:47.740 better and the feelings I have within each relationship. 00:05:49.420 --> 00:05:52.319 Are there other emotional patterns that started 00:05:52.319 --> 00:05:54.600 showing up and repeating? I think you were kind 00:05:54.600 --> 00:05:56.319 of alluding to that there, but are there other 00:05:56.319 --> 00:06:00.639 things that you saw? Absolutely. Growing up, 00:06:01.379 --> 00:06:03.980 I lived in a lovely neighborhood, white picket 00:06:03.980 --> 00:06:08.000 fence, all the fun things. And I started realizing 00:06:08.000 --> 00:06:11.459 that, or not realizing, I started being afraid 00:06:11.459 --> 00:06:14.620 that I wasn't as good as, again, the same feeling 00:06:14.620 --> 00:06:17.220 of childhood as I'm not good as. This was more 00:06:17.220 --> 00:06:20.060 like financially, we can't keep up with everyone 00:06:20.060 --> 00:06:22.480 else, right? On the outside, we could, and we 00:06:22.480 --> 00:06:26.060 did all the things, but that fear. Underneath 00:06:26.060 --> 00:06:29.819 all those feelings manifested and so I really 00:06:29.819 --> 00:06:32.360 started to have these again these feelings of 00:06:32.360 --> 00:06:36.579 jealousy and Comparison and all those things. 00:06:36.579 --> 00:06:40.279 So then that spun into a nice big Happy divorce 00:06:40.279 --> 00:06:42.519 with my husband because I took out all those 00:06:42.519 --> 00:06:45.680 emotions on him all those fears on him You need 00:06:45.680 --> 00:06:48.819 to work harder or you know, I had so much pressure 00:06:48.819 --> 00:06:53.410 that I put on on him that it just ended up spiraling 00:06:53.410 --> 00:06:56.689 and ended up divorced. So again, lesson learned 00:06:56.689 --> 00:06:59.569 is I didn't know how to deal with my emotions, 00:06:59.569 --> 00:07:04.149 right? And I, I wanted to blame him. I didn't 00:07:04.149 --> 00:07:07.490 ever stop to say what's going on with me. And 00:07:07.490 --> 00:07:09.529 that's where the magic happened. When I finally 00:07:09.529 --> 00:07:12.350 said, okay, this isn't about everyone else. I 00:07:12.350 --> 00:07:14.769 can't keep blaming everyone else for things that 00:07:14.769 --> 00:07:18.689 aren't going well in my life. Was there a particular 00:07:19.230 --> 00:07:21.870 Pivotal event that made you have that realization 00:07:21.870 --> 00:07:25.110 about you had to create eight your own happiness. 00:07:25.110 --> 00:07:27.829 Was there something that brought you to that? 00:07:28.129 --> 00:07:31.050 Yeah, this is a funny story. So I think it was 00:07:31.050 --> 00:07:33.449 the first week we were divorced. I was in it. 00:07:33.449 --> 00:07:37.889 I had quit my job. I had left my husband. I had 00:07:37.889 --> 00:07:40.370 like just I was like, I'm starting over. I'm 00:07:40.370 --> 00:07:42.750 starting from scratch. Anyway, so I was in an 00:07:42.750 --> 00:07:45.470 apartment and he was in an apartment and he had 00:07:45.470 --> 00:07:47.790 the kids. It was the first night he had the kids. 00:07:48.149 --> 00:07:50.610 And I said to him, you have to have them in bed 00:07:50.610 --> 00:07:52.810 by nine o 'clock. They were, I don't know, middle 00:07:52.810 --> 00:07:54.430 school. You have to have them in bed by nine 00:07:54.430 --> 00:07:56.810 o 'clock. Next thing I know, I get a text from 00:07:56.810 --> 00:08:00.269 one of my daughters at 10 and I lose it because 00:08:00.269 --> 00:08:03.089 I'm like, he didn't have them in bed by 10. Pick 00:08:03.089 --> 00:08:05.170 up the phone and I called him and I said, the 00:08:05.170 --> 00:08:07.970 girls are supposed to be in bed by 10. And he 00:08:07.970 --> 00:08:10.970 said to me, you can't control me anymore. And 00:08:10.970 --> 00:08:14.449 it was this moment where I was like, so angry. 00:08:15.220 --> 00:08:17.339 Like, who are you to tell me that? But it was 00:08:17.339 --> 00:08:21.379 the moment I was like, I can't. I have to start 00:08:21.379 --> 00:08:23.819 figuring myself out. And I will never forget, 00:08:23.839 --> 00:08:26.000 as long as I lived, because as mad as I was, 00:08:26.360 --> 00:08:28.899 it was the most truthful someone had been with 00:08:28.899 --> 00:08:31.319 me, or I had to learn to be with myself. And 00:08:31.319 --> 00:08:34.139 I was like, wow, I have been controlling. I am 00:08:34.139 --> 00:08:36.440 controlling. And it just started this process 00:08:36.440 --> 00:08:39.159 of, I need to figure out who I am. I need to 00:08:39.159 --> 00:08:41.600 figure out why I blame and why I feel the way 00:08:41.600 --> 00:08:46.690 I feel. And I know you talk about fully owning 00:08:46.690 --> 00:08:49.850 your truth. Is that what you're talking about? 00:08:49.909 --> 00:08:52.129 When you, when you say that a hundred percent, 00:08:52.230 --> 00:08:54.470 a hundred percent, you know, my feelings and 00:08:54.470 --> 00:08:56.870 the things that come up for me and my fears are 00:08:56.870 --> 00:08:59.690 my truth. And instead of responding from a place 00:08:59.690 --> 00:09:03.090 of fear, which usually comes out as anger or 00:09:03.090 --> 00:09:07.009 control or, you know, unhealthy patterns, I have 00:09:07.009 --> 00:09:09.629 to stop and say, what am I feeling right now? 00:09:09.629 --> 00:09:12.649 Right? What am I doing that is pushing the blame 00:09:12.649 --> 00:09:15.309 on somebody else. And it's easy. I get in these 00:09:15.309 --> 00:09:17.009 patterns all the time. I get mad at my current 00:09:17.009 --> 00:09:20.389 husband now because of nothing. And I have to 00:09:20.389 --> 00:09:23.590 stop and say, I'm not feeling happy in my own 00:09:23.590 --> 00:09:25.409 world right now. I'm not working hard enough. 00:09:25.649 --> 00:09:28.230 I'm not doing all the things that I want to do 00:09:28.230 --> 00:09:31.509 that fulfill me. So instead of blame, now I really 00:09:31.509 --> 00:09:33.429 pull it back in and said, what's going on with 00:09:33.429 --> 00:09:36.029 me? This is about me. This is not about anybody 00:09:36.029 --> 00:09:39.580 else. Yeah, that's great. That's so true. It's 00:09:39.580 --> 00:09:44.159 like taking that pause. Yes. And was it a process 00:09:44.159 --> 00:09:46.820 for you? Like you're describing it, how to sit 00:09:46.820 --> 00:09:50.340 with those difficult emotions today. How did 00:09:50.340 --> 00:09:52.620 you get to that place where, okay, I can pause, 00:09:52.700 --> 00:09:55.700 I can sit with this. Talk us through that. What 00:09:55.700 --> 00:09:59.639 does that look like? Well, when I first saw I, 00:09:59.659 --> 00:10:02.059 when I left my job and I was going through my 00:10:02.059 --> 00:10:04.120 divorce, I decided I want to be a life coach. 00:10:04.589 --> 00:10:07.210 My my previous jobs have always been teaching 00:10:07.210 --> 00:10:11.049 or travel agency or Fundraising it had always 00:10:11.049 --> 00:10:13.070 been worth working with other people and I was 00:10:13.070 --> 00:10:15.090 kind of that person everyone came to I was that 00:10:15.090 --> 00:10:18.909 safe place But I didn't feel like I was that 00:10:18.909 --> 00:10:21.070 safe place in my own body. Does that make sense? 00:10:21.169 --> 00:10:23.549 So I said, you know what? I'm gonna this is what 00:10:23.549 --> 00:10:25.370 I want to do. I love being with people. I love 00:10:25.370 --> 00:10:27.509 working with people I love the psychology and 00:10:27.509 --> 00:10:29.750 the emotions behind people and I'm gonna take 00:10:29.750 --> 00:10:33.429 this year -long course from Martha Beck, who 00:10:33.429 --> 00:10:37.889 again is Oprah's life coach. And I remember the 00:10:37.889 --> 00:10:41.070 first day I was in class, it was my birthday 00:10:41.070 --> 00:10:44.950 12 years ago, which is in March. And she said, 00:10:45.129 --> 00:10:47.590 okay, day one, she's like, I want everyone to 00:10:47.590 --> 00:10:51.190 sit. in the chair and put your hands on your 00:10:51.190 --> 00:10:53.610 knees and I want you to start feeling your emotions 00:10:53.610 --> 00:10:57.049 from top to bottom. And I was like, screw this. 00:10:57.230 --> 00:10:58.909 I am an empty the dishwasher. Why are we doing 00:10:58.909 --> 00:11:01.029 this lesson? I'm like, this is not for me. I 00:11:01.029 --> 00:11:04.789 am not gonna sit and be woo woo and all that 00:11:04.789 --> 00:11:07.190 stuff. So I kind of ignored it. And then as the 00:11:07.190 --> 00:11:10.570 year went on and I learned how to, the tools 00:11:10.570 --> 00:11:14.120 to bring it in, I was like, oh. she's actually 00:11:14.120 --> 00:11:17.919 making some sense. I actually can sit back and 00:11:17.919 --> 00:11:20.720 take the time to just acknowledge myself, acknowledge 00:11:20.720 --> 00:11:23.879 my feelings. So I started off with totally like, 00:11:24.039 --> 00:11:25.799 nope, I'm not doing this. This is weird. This 00:11:25.799 --> 00:11:28.299 is woo -woo. This is not me. And in time I learned 00:11:28.299 --> 00:11:30.320 to say, okay, how am I feeling? And just sit 00:11:30.320 --> 00:11:32.820 with it for a minute. And it's scary when you're 00:11:32.820 --> 00:11:35.120 not used to sitting with it. It's really scary 00:11:35.120 --> 00:11:38.320 because you don't want to own your truth sometimes. 00:11:38.820 --> 00:11:41.460 So it just started that path of rolling into, 00:11:42.120 --> 00:11:45.500 okay. I get myself. I understand myself more. 00:11:46.080 --> 00:11:49.659 That's great. Love that. Why do you think that 00:11:49.659 --> 00:11:54.159 midlife is often that moment when women are finally 00:11:54.159 --> 00:11:57.759 ready to face their emotions instead of avoiding 00:11:57.759 --> 00:12:02.580 them? That's a good question. I think women at 00:12:02.580 --> 00:12:05.269 our age are done. The kids are being raised. 00:12:05.490 --> 00:12:07.830 You've, you've powered into your careers or whatever 00:12:07.830 --> 00:12:09.710 you're doing. And it's now being, we're just 00:12:09.710 --> 00:12:12.889 being, we're just at this space where we've done 00:12:12.889 --> 00:12:15.710 all the stuff and now we're recognizing how we 00:12:15.710 --> 00:12:17.809 want to feel every single day, how we want to 00:12:17.809 --> 00:12:20.509 wake up and how we want to continue to live the 00:12:20.509 --> 00:12:23.330 rest of our lives. And instead of climbing the 00:12:23.330 --> 00:12:25.669 ladder and doing all the things, now we can sit 00:12:25.669 --> 00:12:27.649 back and say, how do I want to feel every day? 00:12:27.909 --> 00:12:29.809 I want to feel really happy when I put my head 00:12:29.809 --> 00:12:31.769 on the pillow. And when I wake up in the morning 00:12:31.769 --> 00:12:35.639 and instead of. allowing the drama around me, 00:12:35.879 --> 00:12:38.340 I want to create this piece inside of me and 00:12:38.340 --> 00:12:42.600 only I get to do that. That's great. I love that 00:12:42.600 --> 00:12:48.059 too. So if someone listening feels stuck and 00:12:48.059 --> 00:12:51.019 their relationships are just within themselves, 00:12:51.580 --> 00:12:53.460 what's the first step that you would encourage 00:12:53.460 --> 00:12:58.490 them to take? Well, I think The easiest and I 00:12:58.490 --> 00:13:00.070 shouldn't say it's easiest because it's not the 00:13:00.070 --> 00:13:03.389 easiest is just getting curious. So let's say 00:13:03.389 --> 00:13:06.809 you're angry at the lady in the grocery store 00:13:06.809 --> 00:13:09.730 in front of you, right? She's going slowly. She's 00:13:09.730 --> 00:13:12.230 paying with coins. You're frustrated. You're 00:13:12.230 --> 00:13:14.990 not happy by it. And we want to be angry. We 00:13:14.990 --> 00:13:17.409 want to be mad. We want to be great. Our bodies 00:13:17.409 --> 00:13:19.929 are going to react a certain way. And a lot of 00:13:19.929 --> 00:13:22.429 times we need to pause and think like, I'm not 00:13:22.429 --> 00:13:24.789 really mad at that lady. What am I frustrated 00:13:24.789 --> 00:13:27.850 about underneath this? What is my fear? What 00:13:27.850 --> 00:13:30.230 is going on with me? And just to get really, 00:13:30.230 --> 00:13:32.490 really curious, every time you have a thought 00:13:32.490 --> 00:13:35.490 or an emotion, what's underneath that? Because 00:13:35.490 --> 00:13:37.830 a lot of times we're angry up here at this level. 00:13:38.039 --> 00:13:40.700 And we never stop to say, why is this? Why am 00:13:40.700 --> 00:13:43.779 I feeling this? I'll tell you a quick story. 00:13:44.320 --> 00:13:46.379 And this is kind of funny, but I think it was 00:13:46.379 --> 00:13:47.980 a couple months ago when I was walking on the 00:13:47.980 --> 00:13:50.620 beach with my husband. I forget what happened. 00:13:50.759 --> 00:13:52.320 I think something happened with a girlfriend 00:13:52.320 --> 00:13:54.840 from home. Like she wasn't returning my calls 00:13:54.840 --> 00:13:57.200 or just something. And I was like, she's not, 00:13:57.620 --> 00:13:59.539 she doesn't care about me anymore. Blah, blah, 00:13:59.659 --> 00:14:01.440 blah, blah, blah. And my husband was just like, 00:14:01.440 --> 00:14:03.759 yeah, that's hard or whatever. And I stopped 00:14:03.759 --> 00:14:05.779 in the middle of the beach and I start yelling. 00:14:05.919 --> 00:14:09.179 And I'm like, you don't care about me. I'm sad. 00:14:09.519 --> 00:14:12.299 I have this complete breakdown. And he's like, 00:14:12.539 --> 00:14:15.399 what is going on? And so I had to go home and 00:14:15.399 --> 00:14:17.299 I had to pick it apart. And I said, why am I 00:14:17.299 --> 00:14:20.399 yelling at my husband? And I was feeling sad 00:14:20.399 --> 00:14:23.059 about my relationship with my friend. I was feeling 00:14:23.059 --> 00:14:25.700 like I remembered the moment I was like, I'm 00:14:25.700 --> 00:14:27.539 not doing enough in my business. Like I want 00:14:27.539 --> 00:14:29.480 to be doing more. I'm playing small. I want to 00:14:29.480 --> 00:14:32.340 be doing more. I didn't like who I was that moment 00:14:32.340 --> 00:14:34.620 of that day. So it wasn't about my husband. It 00:14:34.620 --> 00:14:36.440 wasn't really about my friend. It wasn't, it 00:14:36.440 --> 00:14:39.440 was, I didn't feel whole. I didn't feel complete. 00:14:39.620 --> 00:14:42.679 I didn't feel like I was living to my full potential. 00:14:43.080 --> 00:14:45.879 So that is what I had to strip down. But before 00:14:46.360 --> 00:14:48.519 I'd just be angry at somebody else, right? I 00:14:48.519 --> 00:14:50.220 blame somebody else. It's my friend's fault who 00:14:50.220 --> 00:14:51.940 didn't call me back. It's my husband's fault 00:14:51.940 --> 00:14:54.340 who didn't just bow down and say, oh, sweetheart, 00:14:54.480 --> 00:14:57.120 I'm so sorry. It was my fault. So I just think 00:14:57.120 --> 00:15:02.120 curious about the why underneath the feelings 00:15:02.120 --> 00:15:05.039 you have. I think that is really, it's hard. 00:15:05.340 --> 00:15:08.379 But once you start doing it, you realize why 00:15:08.379 --> 00:15:10.899 you feel the way you do. And the stress is often 00:15:10.899 --> 00:15:16.840 caused by ourselves and not somebody else. Think 00:15:16.840 --> 00:15:20.460 about women in midlife. Why do you think that 00:15:20.460 --> 00:15:26.000 it's often a crisis like a divorce or emptiness? 00:15:26.279 --> 00:15:28.700 It could be any type of crisis. Why is it that 00:15:28.700 --> 00:15:32.879 often it takes that before we decide to make 00:15:32.879 --> 00:15:36.460 changes? What's your thoughts? I think for a 00:15:36.460 --> 00:15:38.700 lot of women, we've just had enough of feeling 00:15:38.700 --> 00:15:42.440 the way we feel. What happens at this stage of 00:15:42.440 --> 00:15:46.279 life is we're becoming a lot more Thank you. 00:15:47.289 --> 00:15:50.070 maybe going back more towards authenticity, like 00:15:50.070 --> 00:15:52.730 being who you really wanted to be all along and 00:15:52.730 --> 00:15:56.549 less of living according to how everyone else 00:15:56.549 --> 00:15:58.789 sees you or you think they see you. And I think 00:15:58.789 --> 00:16:00.769 that you hit this plateau in life where you're 00:16:00.769 --> 00:16:03.629 like, I don't really care how everyone else sees 00:16:03.629 --> 00:16:06.789 me. I care how I feel myself. And I feel like 00:16:06.789 --> 00:16:08.750 at this age, we've been through so many other 00:16:08.750 --> 00:16:11.330 things in our lives that we can stop and say, 00:16:11.370 --> 00:16:13.629 all right, this is my turn. This is my chance 00:16:13.629 --> 00:16:16.330 to feel really good in my body about myself. 00:16:16.360 --> 00:16:19.659 And who cares how somebody feels about us or 00:16:19.659 --> 00:16:23.960 who cares what's happening in our external world. 00:16:24.000 --> 00:16:26.759 But I think it's just a time for us to slow down 00:16:26.759 --> 00:16:29.620 a little bit. And again, midlife can be anywhere 00:16:29.620 --> 00:16:33.240 from 45 to 65. Is that what you consider? So 00:16:33.240 --> 00:16:36.720 we're all at different phases. So the empty nester 00:16:36.720 --> 00:16:40.659 is going to have one path of I'm lonely and I 00:16:40.659 --> 00:16:43.840 don't know what to do with myself anymore. I 00:16:43.840 --> 00:16:45.580 don't know if I love my husband or if I want 00:16:45.580 --> 00:16:48.399 to continue to be with him. And so it's just 00:16:48.399 --> 00:16:51.720 more of an awakening and awareness noticing something 00:16:51.720 --> 00:16:53.740 doesn't feel right in our bodies. Does that make 00:16:53.740 --> 00:16:58.460 sense? It does. Yeah. I often refer to it as 00:16:58.460 --> 00:17:00.679 just that feeling of getting sick and tired of 00:17:00.679 --> 00:17:03.100 being sick and tired. A hundred percent. Yes. 00:17:03.360 --> 00:17:05.579 Yeah. And doing something about it finally. Right. 00:17:05.660 --> 00:17:09.029 I'm sick of living in this way. It's that pain 00:17:09.029 --> 00:17:12.569 of staying where you are becomes greater than 00:17:12.569 --> 00:17:15.849 the fear of doing something else. Right. Perfectly 00:17:15.849 --> 00:17:19.910 put. Absolutely. Yeah. So true. You mentioned 00:17:19.910 --> 00:17:22.369 that you had your own career transformation, 00:17:22.809 --> 00:17:24.609 leaving fundraising and some things you were 00:17:24.609 --> 00:17:27.269 doing, then coming into life coaching. So that 00:17:27.269 --> 00:17:29.990 was kind of your first career transformation, 00:17:30.069 --> 00:17:33.289 as I understand it. But I think in our conversations, 00:17:33.529 --> 00:17:36.089 it sounds like you're kind of doing another transformation. 00:17:36.170 --> 00:17:38.329 Like you're kind of recreating some things in 00:17:38.329 --> 00:17:40.410 your business now. Do you want to share those 00:17:40.410 --> 00:17:43.809 with us? Sure. I started off with just basic 00:17:43.809 --> 00:17:46.250 life coaching. I will help anyone that has a 00:17:46.250 --> 00:17:48.950 problem in their lives. And that was all well 00:17:48.950 --> 00:17:52.170 and good, but I really started loving the relationship 00:17:52.170 --> 00:17:55.210 piece of it. The marriages and the mother daughter 00:17:55.210 --> 00:17:58.029 relationship and the friend relationship. And 00:17:58.029 --> 00:18:01.369 as I started learning and growing and going back 00:18:01.369 --> 00:18:03.450 for more training in the relationship arena, 00:18:03.970 --> 00:18:06.390 I'm realizing that's just what I want to do. 00:18:06.549 --> 00:18:08.430 Not that I don't want to help everyone, but I 00:18:08.430 --> 00:18:12.549 can't. And I really want to specialize in really 00:18:12.549 --> 00:18:15.529 marriages and individuals who want to get to 00:18:15.529 --> 00:18:17.930 know themselves better so that they can be in 00:18:17.930 --> 00:18:21.269 happy marriages. So I'm really pivoting to just 00:18:21.269 --> 00:18:24.369 focusing on one thing and training in just one 00:18:24.369 --> 00:18:26.670 thing and feeling like confident and knowing 00:18:26.670 --> 00:18:29.509 that I've done this for so many years. It's time 00:18:29.509 --> 00:18:33.240 to step it up a little bit. I got this. Yeah. 00:18:33.700 --> 00:18:35.900 And once again, you're being true to yourself, 00:18:35.900 --> 00:18:38.599 right? Yes. You learn through these different 00:18:38.599 --> 00:18:41.700 experiences, and you know that this is an area 00:18:41.700 --> 00:18:44.440 that means something to you and gives you fulfillment. 00:18:44.660 --> 00:18:46.799 And that's what you're doing. You're going after 00:18:46.799 --> 00:18:49.799 it. Yeah. And I love the word fulfillment when 00:18:49.799 --> 00:18:51.980 you pull that up, because I think that's what 00:18:51.980 --> 00:18:54.960 everyone wants, right? Everyone in life is looking 00:18:54.960 --> 00:18:57.420 for some sort of fulfillment in what that is. 00:18:57.480 --> 00:18:59.660 And how am I going to get that? So I love that 00:18:59.660 --> 00:19:02.680 word. That's a really powerful word. Yes. And 00:19:02.680 --> 00:19:05.940 you mentioned in the conversations too, that 00:19:05.940 --> 00:19:08.940 you're specifically looking for people in their 00:19:08.940 --> 00:19:11.680 marriages or relationships that want to make 00:19:11.680 --> 00:19:14.920 it work. I really love that. We all know the 00:19:14.920 --> 00:19:18.359 divorce rate is high. There's chances that you're 00:19:18.359 --> 00:19:20.759 not going to make it or more than you make it, 00:19:20.759 --> 00:19:22.740 that kind of thing. Or maybe it's even, I don't 00:19:22.740 --> 00:19:26.079 know, but tell me maybe a little bit more about 00:19:26.079 --> 00:19:30.059 that focus on working it out and getting to that. 00:19:30.299 --> 00:19:33.279 place with the person that you love that works 00:19:33.279 --> 00:19:36.039 for you both? Well, I think the most important 00:19:36.039 --> 00:19:39.539 piece is to make sure both people are willing 00:19:39.539 --> 00:19:41.619 to work on the marriage. They want to stay together, 00:19:41.619 --> 00:19:43.519 but more importantly, that they're willing to 00:19:43.519 --> 00:19:46.059 work on themselves. They're willing to look in 00:19:46.059 --> 00:19:48.980 the mirror and say, I'm defensive. I'm controlling. 00:19:49.220 --> 00:19:53.059 I'm overpowering. I shut down. Really look at 00:19:53.059 --> 00:19:56.160 themselves. And if people aren't willing to look 00:19:56.160 --> 00:19:58.880 at themselves, it's really hard to help a relationship. 00:19:59.140 --> 00:20:01.359 So two people have to be solid in order to make 00:20:01.359 --> 00:20:04.839 the marriage solid. So I find that it's really 00:20:04.839 --> 00:20:07.099 important to find these people who they're not 00:20:07.099 --> 00:20:11.019 just coming to me to say they went to counseling 00:20:11.019 --> 00:20:14.029 or coaching or whatever. that leads them to a 00:20:14.029 --> 00:20:16.150 divorce or leads them for an excuse to leave. 00:20:16.150 --> 00:20:18.269 I want them to come to me. They're both in it 00:20:18.269 --> 00:20:20.730 to win it. They both want to make this work. 00:20:21.150 --> 00:20:24.990 And usually what happens is a lot of, and it's 00:20:24.990 --> 00:20:27.849 often women, they've checked out. They hit a 00:20:27.849 --> 00:20:31.769 wall and they've checked out. And the men are 00:20:31.769 --> 00:20:34.490 like, wait, I'm about to lose my wife. I need 00:20:34.490 --> 00:20:36.549 to do something. And sometimes it's too late. 00:20:37.069 --> 00:20:39.829 So what I really want to do is get these people 00:20:39.829 --> 00:20:42.740 before they go down that path because You've 00:20:42.740 --> 00:20:45.160 been divorced, I've been divorced, right? And 00:20:45.160 --> 00:20:48.099 we're both remarried. Second marriages, they're 00:20:48.099 --> 00:20:50.519 just as hard, right? You're learning, you're 00:20:50.519 --> 00:20:52.420 taking your old tools, you're taking your old 00:20:52.420 --> 00:20:54.240 behaviors, you're taking your old thoughts and 00:20:54.240 --> 00:20:57.819 beliefs. And now you've got a new marriage and 00:20:57.819 --> 00:20:59.819 rape. So now you've got blended families and 00:20:59.819 --> 00:21:03.759 you've got all that stuff. And it's a lot easier. 00:21:03.779 --> 00:21:05.359 I wouldn't have stayed with my first husband, 00:21:05.480 --> 00:21:06.779 love him to death, but I wouldn't have stayed 00:21:06.779 --> 00:21:09.339 with them. But I wouldn't have gotten to the 00:21:09.339 --> 00:21:12.799 place I am had I not left him. However, I want 00:21:12.799 --> 00:21:15.299 people before they have to go through that pain 00:21:15.299 --> 00:21:19.240 to figure out how to own their own truth and 00:21:19.240 --> 00:21:20.920 so that they can be the best person they can 00:21:20.920 --> 00:21:24.319 in a relationship with a partner. Great. That 00:21:24.319 --> 00:21:27.359 is beautiful. I want to get back to the book 00:21:27.359 --> 00:21:29.680 you wrote. So Big Girl Pants. It was quite a 00:21:29.680 --> 00:21:33.750 few years ago, right? There anything different 00:21:33.750 --> 00:21:37.309 you would say in that book today or maybe is 00:21:37.309 --> 00:21:41.630 there another book on the horizon? Like for you, 00:21:41.849 --> 00:21:45.650 I love this conversation. You know, I think that 00:21:45.650 --> 00:21:49.430 there will be another book and I reread. I remember 00:21:49.430 --> 00:21:51.789 writing this book. It had to been 10 years ago 00:21:51.789 --> 00:21:54.450 and I reread it. I put it down and put it away 00:21:54.450 --> 00:21:56.670 and I reread it. I don't know. It was like six 00:21:56.670 --> 00:21:58.769 months ago when I got this inkling of maybe I'll 00:21:58.769 --> 00:22:00.789 write another book and I read it and I was like, 00:22:01.150 --> 00:22:04.170 This is totally not me anymore. This is not, 00:22:04.369 --> 00:22:06.890 I have come so far from when I wrote this. A 00:22:06.890 --> 00:22:09.049 lot of this was blaming my husband. A lot of 00:22:09.049 --> 00:22:11.589 this was how to find, like put on your big girl 00:22:11.589 --> 00:22:14.150 pants and be empowered. But the things that I 00:22:14.150 --> 00:22:18.069 know now are so much greater than what I knew 00:22:18.069 --> 00:22:20.369 then. I thought when I wrote that book, I was 00:22:20.369 --> 00:22:22.930 like the guru. I knew it all. And now I'm reading 00:22:22.930 --> 00:22:25.750 it and I'm like, oh, how did I say that? I'm 00:22:25.750 --> 00:22:29.589 so much better now. So yes, I kind of want to. 00:22:29.630 --> 00:22:32.349 think about writing another book. It's in the 00:22:32.349 --> 00:22:36.309 thought process, so we'll see. But I love that, 00:22:36.309 --> 00:22:39.329 that you're able to, to look back and say, Hey, 00:22:39.490 --> 00:22:42.109 look how much I've grown. Yeah. And from the 00:22:42.109 --> 00:22:43.730 beginning of our conversation, you talked about 00:22:43.730 --> 00:22:46.349 some things in childhood and how things were, 00:22:46.349 --> 00:22:48.390 things got, and then how you changed. And then 00:22:48.390 --> 00:22:51.650 yet again, more transformation through the more 00:22:51.650 --> 00:22:55.690 recent years. And it's all just becoming a better 00:22:55.690 --> 00:22:59.109 version of you. And I know that's my goal. Like 00:22:59.109 --> 00:23:02.430 when I face challenges and hard things, I want 00:23:02.430 --> 00:23:05.559 to grow. I want to become. a better version of 00:23:05.559 --> 00:23:11.000 myself. And having that willingness is from my 00:23:11.000 --> 00:23:14.160 experience, just key to happiness. What you were 00:23:14.160 --> 00:23:17.220 talking about get being able to be happy and 00:23:17.220 --> 00:23:20.900 sit with who I am today. I think that's so powerful. 00:23:21.119 --> 00:23:23.460 I also think a lot of people don't want to look 00:23:23.460 --> 00:23:25.900 at that. They they're fine where they are. Status 00:23:25.900 --> 00:23:29.180 quo is fine for them. And that's fine. If that 00:23:29.180 --> 00:23:31.589 makes them happy, that's great. I just think, 00:23:31.849 --> 00:23:33.490 and we found each other cause we're both on the 00:23:33.490 --> 00:23:35.670 same path. Like let's keep growing. Let's keep 00:23:35.670 --> 00:23:38.470 like empowering ourselves to do better. And so 00:23:38.470 --> 00:23:41.210 I feel like the right people when they find us 00:23:41.210 --> 00:23:42.670 or when they find each other or when they find 00:23:42.670 --> 00:23:44.750 themselves, they want to go down that path. They 00:23:44.750 --> 00:23:47.670 want to say, Oh my gosh, I'm doing something 00:23:47.670 --> 00:23:50.750 in my life that makes me feel really good. And 00:23:50.750 --> 00:23:53.150 so I love that we're both doing that at the same 00:23:53.150 --> 00:23:56.690 time. Yes, me too. You mentioned that there is 00:23:56.690 --> 00:24:00.660 maybe a new program or new service that you're 00:24:00.660 --> 00:24:03.359 kicking off in your business? Tell us about that. 00:24:03.480 --> 00:24:06.720 I am going to kick off a six month intensive 00:24:06.720 --> 00:24:10.180 private coaching where I'm just working with 00:24:10.180 --> 00:24:12.539 individuals and the couples together. So for 00:24:12.539 --> 00:24:14.420 six months, I'm going to work with the individuals 00:24:14.420 --> 00:24:17.299 on themselves, the couples on how they work together 00:24:17.299 --> 00:24:20.980 and just not only coach them or help them, but 00:24:20.980 --> 00:24:23.819 more advise and teach them tools. So through 00:24:23.819 --> 00:24:27.170 the Gottman. Institute, I learned all these tools 00:24:27.170 --> 00:24:31.069 that are research backed that had I had these 00:24:31.069 --> 00:24:34.829 tools when I was first married, I could have 00:24:34.829 --> 00:24:36.990 made it work or I could have tried to make it 00:24:36.990 --> 00:24:39.269 work or I had no self awareness. I didn't know 00:24:39.269 --> 00:24:41.849 what tools I needed to use. And I remember going 00:24:41.849 --> 00:24:45.630 to therapy with my husband. And for me, it was 00:24:45.630 --> 00:24:49.130 more talk about what's bothering you and not 00:24:49.130 --> 00:24:52.730 the tools to how to make this work. And so I 00:24:52.730 --> 00:24:55.450 really want to help people not only work together, 00:24:55.930 --> 00:24:57.970 learn themselves and what they bring to the table 00:24:57.970 --> 00:24:59.950 and what baggage they bring and what emotions 00:24:59.950 --> 00:25:02.769 and what childhood behaviors they brought, but 00:25:02.769 --> 00:25:05.769 then put them together so that they're now practicing 00:25:05.769 --> 00:25:08.190 these tools with each other with the better version 00:25:08.190 --> 00:25:11.430 of themselves. So I'm really excited about this. 00:25:11.430 --> 00:25:14.890 What a great service. What a great program. I'm 00:25:14.890 --> 00:25:17.529 interested to hear about your success with that 00:25:17.529 --> 00:25:20.680 and how that goes. When you're able to help a 00:25:20.680 --> 00:25:24.559 couple or an individual get through some of this 00:25:24.559 --> 00:25:27.259 stuff that we've talked about and you see the 00:25:27.259 --> 00:25:28.960 growth in other people, we were talking about 00:25:28.960 --> 00:25:31.200 the growth we see in ourselves, but when you 00:25:31.200 --> 00:25:34.420 see growth in other people, how does that make 00:25:34.420 --> 00:25:38.519 you feel? Gosh, it is the best feeling. If I 00:25:38.519 --> 00:25:41.680 get off a call with a zoom call with a couple 00:25:41.680 --> 00:25:45.619 and they start off and they're so angry and they're 00:25:45.619 --> 00:25:49.400 so mad and they're, you know, and we step back, 00:25:49.660 --> 00:25:54.099 we use their tools and by the end they're touching 00:25:54.099 --> 00:25:56.680 again and they're having conversations and they're 00:25:56.680 --> 00:25:58.859 coming back to themselves. And I walk out of 00:25:58.859 --> 00:26:01.759 my office and I'm like, yes, like I love it. 00:26:01.759 --> 00:26:06.000 It makes me so, so happy because most of everyone 00:26:06.000 --> 00:26:08.279 needs some help, right? Everyone needs help in 00:26:08.279 --> 00:26:10.000 their lives and their careers and their relationships 00:26:10.000 --> 00:26:12.500 and everything. So it's the most empowering thing 00:26:12.500 --> 00:26:15.500 for me. I feel. complete and I feel happy and 00:26:15.500 --> 00:26:18.059 I feel fulfilled. And then I can be a better 00:26:18.059 --> 00:26:21.720 and a better friend and a better mom. So. That's 00:26:21.720 --> 00:26:24.019 beautiful. And Lisa, thank you so much. You're 00:26:24.019 --> 00:26:26.140 just a beautiful soul. And I'm just so happy 00:26:26.140 --> 00:26:29.059 that we met and that you're just part of my journey. 00:26:29.359 --> 00:26:32.740 It's wonderful. If others would want to get in 00:26:32.740 --> 00:26:34.740 touch with you, what's the best way for them 00:26:34.740 --> 00:26:38.220 to do that? Well, right now my website, which 00:26:38.220 --> 00:26:43.779 is www .lisapanos .com it is it might still be 00:26:43.779 --> 00:26:45.920 under construction it is still under construction 00:26:45.920 --> 00:26:48.680 because I'm adding these new programs but that's 00:26:48.680 --> 00:26:50.299 the best way to get a hold of me and there's 00:26:50.299 --> 00:26:53.339 a contact me button on there and I would love 00:26:53.339 --> 00:26:56.259 to hear from anyone who needs just a little boost 00:26:56.259 --> 00:26:59.859 a little pep in their steps. All right great 00:26:59.859 --> 00:27:03.400 that's great and do you do zoom meetings and 00:27:03.400 --> 00:27:06.509 one -on -one or what's your format? I do Zoom 00:27:06.509 --> 00:27:09.549 meetings. If they're local in Naples, Florida, 00:27:09.630 --> 00:27:13.210 I will do in person. So it's just kind of depending 00:27:13.210 --> 00:27:15.130 on what the needs are, where they're located, 00:27:15.369 --> 00:27:17.990 that type of thing. I feel like Zoom a lot of 00:27:17.990 --> 00:27:19.950 times is they can do it in their living rooms. 00:27:20.009 --> 00:27:22.869 They can have those fights. They can be real 00:27:22.869 --> 00:27:25.630 and authentic and no one's around. I feel like 00:27:25.630 --> 00:27:28.470 that is good for them. However, however they 00:27:28.470 --> 00:27:31.289 want to work though, I'm here for them. That's 00:27:31.289 --> 00:27:35.599 great. Well, Lisa, I wish you continued success 00:27:35.599 --> 00:27:39.180 in all that you do in this chapter. And let's 00:27:39.180 --> 00:27:42.140 just keep in touch. You know, we will. You're 00:27:42.140 --> 00:27:44.500 so sweet. Thank you for having me on today. I 00:27:44.500 --> 00:27:48.619 appreciate it. Thank you so much. Thank you so 00:27:48.619 --> 00:27:51.039 much for spending time with me today. I am truly 00:27:51.039 --> 00:27:53.940 grateful that you chose to listen in and I hope 00:27:53.940 --> 00:27:56.380 that this conversation sparked something meaningful 00:27:56.380 --> 00:27:59.700 for you. Please take a moment to subscribe, leave 00:27:59.700 --> 00:28:02.380 a review. It helps other women to find us who 00:28:02.380 --> 00:28:05.200 need to hear these stories too. And if you know 00:28:05.200 --> 00:28:07.539 someone who is ready for their own comeback, 00:28:07.920 --> 00:28:10.660 share this episode with them. I'd love to connect 00:28:10.660 --> 00:28:15.099 with you beyond the podcast. Visit me at hercomebackpodcast 00:28:15.099 --> 00:28:19.440 .com. That's HerComebackPodcast .com to learn 00:28:19.440 --> 00:28:22.279 more about how we can work together. I have a 00:28:22.279 --> 00:28:26.019 gift for you. Get your free copy today of five 00:28:26.019 --> 00:28:29.579 powerful shifts to reclaim your life. Remember 00:28:29.579 --> 00:28:32.059 your comeback story is waiting to be written. 00:28:32.480 --> 00:28:35.420 The question isn't, can I transform my life? 00:28:35.880 --> 00:28:39.200 The question is, are you ready? Let's go.