WEBVTT 00:00:10.159 --> 00:00:13.279 Welcome to her comeback. I'm so glad you're back 00:00:13.279 --> 00:00:16.480 with me. This is where 50 isn't your finish line. 00:00:16.640 --> 00:00:19.559 It is your starting point. The starting point 00:00:19.559 --> 00:00:22.280 of everything you want your life to be. The person 00:00:22.280 --> 00:00:25.559 that you are meant to be. I'm your host, Michelle 00:00:25.559 --> 00:00:29.219 Thompson, and we are proving that your best chapter 00:00:29.219 --> 00:00:32.479 may just be the one you haven't written yet. 00:00:33.280 --> 00:00:36.179 We'll continue each episode featuring honest 00:00:36.179 --> 00:00:38.920 conversation with women who have stopped going 00:00:38.920 --> 00:00:41.520 at it alone and have found their way to fulfillment, 00:00:41.960 --> 00:00:45.289 joy, and purpose in their second act. You'll 00:00:45.289 --> 00:00:47.869 hear about their struggles, their breakthroughs, 00:00:47.869 --> 00:00:50.829 and the practical steps that they took to create 00:00:50.829 --> 00:00:54.670 lives that they actually love. This podcast will 00:00:54.670 --> 00:00:57.289 show you how other women have made their comeback 00:00:57.289 --> 00:01:02.130 and how you can too. Welcome back. Good day, 00:01:02.130 --> 00:01:06.329 everyone. Welcome to her comeback. I am so happy 00:01:06.329 --> 00:01:09.469 to have today Cheryl Dillon all the way from 00:01:09.469 --> 00:01:14.329 San Diego, California. Welcome, Cheryl. Thank 00:01:14.329 --> 00:01:17.750 you. I'm so happy to be here, Michelle. Oh, it's 00:01:17.750 --> 00:01:20.489 so wonderful to have you. We have a few things 00:01:20.489 --> 00:01:22.310 I was going to ask you, but just could you get 00:01:22.310 --> 00:01:24.849 us started? Just maybe just some general things 00:01:24.849 --> 00:01:26.810 about yourself you'd like to share before we 00:01:26.810 --> 00:01:30.950 get going. Oh, sure. Well, I am originally from 00:01:30.950 --> 00:01:34.090 New Jersey, born and raised and lived there for 00:01:34.090 --> 00:01:37.790 the first 40 something years of my life. And 00:01:37.790 --> 00:01:40.909 then moved to Chicago and lived there for five 00:01:40.909 --> 00:01:43.909 years. And it was right when the Cubs won the 00:01:43.909 --> 00:01:47.549 World Series. So I'm a huge Cubs fan. My dog's 00:01:47.549 --> 00:01:49.510 name is Wrigley. Like we're really, you know, 00:01:49.590 --> 00:01:51.829 all in with the Cubs. It was really fun to be 00:01:51.829 --> 00:01:54.629 there. The winters were a little bit too much 00:01:54.629 --> 00:01:57.209 for me. So we've been out in California for about 00:01:57.209 --> 00:02:00.450 seven and a half. half years and I feel like 00:02:00.450 --> 00:02:02.969 I couldn't go any farther west at this point 00:02:02.969 --> 00:02:07.049 you know unless maybe Hawaii but just you know 00:02:07.049 --> 00:02:10.729 I will never lose my Jersey -ness. The good news 00:02:10.729 --> 00:02:13.389 is when I lived in Chicago I got a little friendliness 00:02:13.389 --> 00:02:17.270 to me so I lost a little of my edge and and then 00:02:17.270 --> 00:02:20.490 now out in California I think maybe have gotten 00:02:20.490 --> 00:02:23.569 a little bit more laid -back although like a 00:02:23.569 --> 00:02:29.800 smidge. Very good, very good. So you've spent 00:02:29.800 --> 00:02:32.539 your time these days with the community that 00:02:32.539 --> 00:02:35.939 you've established for women in midlife. Tell 00:02:35.939 --> 00:02:40.039 us a little bit about that. Yeah, thanks for 00:02:40.039 --> 00:02:43.840 asking. I started a company called Thunderful 00:02:43.840 --> 00:02:47.120 Experiences last year and it's the umbrella. 00:02:47.719 --> 00:02:49.580 I had gone back to school, you know, after all 00:02:49.580 --> 00:02:53.560 my life coaching skills and my, you know, psychology 00:02:53.560 --> 00:02:55.719 background and all the work that I had been doing 00:02:55.719 --> 00:02:59.120 up until this point. I knew that I wanted to 00:02:59.120 --> 00:03:02.240 do something a little bit more joyful. I had 00:03:02.240 --> 00:03:05.120 an idea of what I wanted to start but I needed 00:03:05.120 --> 00:03:07.080 some additional skills so I went back to school 00:03:07.080 --> 00:03:10.479 last year and I got a certificate in event planning 00:03:10.479 --> 00:03:14.539 and then I put put that in with with everything 00:03:14.539 --> 00:03:16.400 else and I started a company called Thunderful 00:03:16.400 --> 00:03:20.069 Experiences and it's It's got different facets 00:03:20.069 --> 00:03:23.349 to it. So I write a free newsletter called the 00:03:23.349 --> 00:03:26.990 uplift. It goes out every Thursday and it's just 00:03:26.990 --> 00:03:29.729 a little bit, you know, stories from my own life, 00:03:29.789 --> 00:03:32.930 some challenges that I faced or I'm facing. It's 00:03:32.930 --> 00:03:35.229 meant to be uplifting, help other people see 00:03:35.229 --> 00:03:37.050 that they're not alone if they're experiencing 00:03:37.050 --> 00:03:38.689 any of these same things. And then I give them 00:03:38.689 --> 00:03:41.849 some tips on how I've addressed it or I'm working 00:03:41.849 --> 00:03:45.210 to address it so that hopefully if they resonate. 00:03:45.419 --> 00:03:47.919 they'll be able to use some of those things as 00:03:47.919 --> 00:03:50.919 well to help themselves. Another facet of the 00:03:50.919 --> 00:03:53.520 company is a membership community. It's local 00:03:53.520 --> 00:03:57.080 and it's called Connected Hearts and the purpose 00:03:57.080 --> 00:03:59.939 is to bring women in their 50s and 60s together 00:03:59.939 --> 00:04:04.080 face -to -face for personal growth, for some 00:04:04.080 --> 00:04:06.360 conversation that goes deeper than small talk, 00:04:06.699 --> 00:04:08.939 friendship building and also we have a lot of 00:04:08.939 --> 00:04:12.569 fun and I've really noticed Throughout the pandemic 00:04:12.569 --> 00:04:16.089 where we were also isolated, social media were 00:04:16.089 --> 00:04:18.589 online all the time. I really was craving in 00:04:18.589 --> 00:04:21.870 -person connection. So this community is new. 00:04:22.189 --> 00:04:24.449 We're going to have our second official gathering 00:04:24.449 --> 00:04:28.110 tomorrow night and it's growing and we're just, 00:04:28.110 --> 00:04:30.829 we're really enjoying what we're doing. So it's 00:04:30.829 --> 00:04:33.329 basically the community I always wanted, but 00:04:33.329 --> 00:04:36.769 could never find. So I decided to build it. And 00:04:36.769 --> 00:04:39.089 then the third aspect of the company is private 00:04:39.089 --> 00:04:41.470 coaching. In the future, I'm looking to also 00:04:41.470 --> 00:04:44.470 do some one -off events, maybe couples or some 00:04:44.470 --> 00:04:47.670 retreats or some conferences. But right now, 00:04:47.769 --> 00:04:50.850 just enjoying day by day how things are growing 00:04:50.850 --> 00:04:54.889 and evolving. Oh, that's wonderful. I love that. 00:04:56.009 --> 00:04:59.730 You describe a midlife pivot and you say that 00:04:59.730 --> 00:05:03.170 midlife is not a crisis but a powerful turning 00:05:03.170 --> 00:05:06.089 point. Can you walk us through a moment when 00:05:06.089 --> 00:05:09.310 you realized you wanted to intentionally design 00:05:09.310 --> 00:05:12.470 this next chapter rather than just let things 00:05:12.470 --> 00:05:16.509 happen? What was the catalyst? Yeah, there's 00:05:16.509 --> 00:05:19.110 a lot of things. It wasn't one. one thing. It 00:05:19.110 --> 00:05:20.670 was a whole bunch of things that were sort of 00:05:20.670 --> 00:05:23.509 happening within a period of time. One of the 00:05:23.509 --> 00:05:26.670 things was moving to California because I moved 00:05:26.670 --> 00:05:30.310 here in my late 40s. I work from home. I don't 00:05:30.310 --> 00:05:32.610 have children, not human children. Mine have 00:05:32.610 --> 00:05:36.269 four legs. And so I really felt like I had no 00:05:36.269 --> 00:05:39.029 built -in community. All of my deepest friendships 00:05:39.029 --> 00:05:41.470 were on the East Coast. I did make some good 00:05:41.470 --> 00:05:44.629 friends in the Midwest, but here it was essentially 00:05:44.629 --> 00:05:49.060 starting from scratch. Also, you know, The pandemic 00:05:49.060 --> 00:05:52.459 happened very soon after we settled into our 00:05:52.459 --> 00:05:55.000 home. So right when we were, my husband and I 00:05:55.000 --> 00:05:58.540 were ready to go out and meet people, we couldn't. 00:05:58.839 --> 00:06:02.420 And I feel like that pandemic really actually 00:06:02.420 --> 00:06:05.339 took a lot of motivation out of me because once 00:06:05.339 --> 00:06:08.600 it lifted and you could go back out, I was very 00:06:08.600 --> 00:06:10.939 complacent. It was, you know, I'd rather be home 00:06:10.939 --> 00:06:13.600 in my sweatpants, you know, versus like getting 00:06:13.600 --> 00:06:17.410 up and out and putting yourself. out there. I 00:06:17.410 --> 00:06:20.129 have lost some of those skills I think and the 00:06:20.129 --> 00:06:22.509 motivation. So even though I was looking to meet 00:06:22.509 --> 00:06:26.730 friends and build community like physically and 00:06:26.730 --> 00:06:29.970 physiologically I just couldn't get myself up 00:06:29.970 --> 00:06:33.089 and out so easily. So I was feeling pretty isolated. 00:06:34.449 --> 00:06:37.769 My father passed away when he was 58 and this 00:06:37.769 --> 00:06:43.170 year I'm 56. So I'm starting to sort of have 00:06:43.170 --> 00:06:46.029 these jolts like First of all, how did you get 00:06:46.029 --> 00:06:48.790 to be this age? You know what just happened and 00:06:48.790 --> 00:06:52.009 also Reflecting on the fact that you know, we're 00:06:52.009 --> 00:06:55.329 all kind of marching towards the same destination 00:06:55.329 --> 00:06:59.230 and It really was just like looking in a mirror 00:06:59.230 --> 00:07:01.589 if I want to make some changes and if I want 00:07:01.589 --> 00:07:03.949 my life to be different Now's the time to do 00:07:03.949 --> 00:07:07.029 it because if not now then when I had visited 00:07:07.029 --> 00:07:09.470 a close relative who actually lives in Florida 00:07:09.470 --> 00:07:14.300 and I realized also a pattern. My grandmother, 00:07:14.459 --> 00:07:16.920 when she was getting older in life, you know, 00:07:16.920 --> 00:07:19.120 I had always seen her as a little girl, as this 00:07:19.120 --> 00:07:23.420 very outgoing, social, you know, big personality, 00:07:23.740 --> 00:07:26.579 friendly woman. And then as she got older, she 00:07:26.579 --> 00:07:29.220 was just inside all the time, sitting in her 00:07:29.220 --> 00:07:32.639 chair, watching TV. Again, I don't know if she 00:07:32.639 --> 00:07:34.579 was depressed or what was, I know she had some 00:07:34.579 --> 00:07:37.310 arthritis and some health issues, but. I just 00:07:37.310 --> 00:07:40.189 saw a really big change from what I remember 00:07:40.189 --> 00:07:42.529 of her when I was young to what I was seeing 00:07:42.529 --> 00:07:45.670 as she was getting on in life. And then I went 00:07:45.670 --> 00:07:49.319 to see another relative. Last year and I started 00:07:49.319 --> 00:07:52.680 noticing that same pattern and I'm afraid because 00:07:52.680 --> 00:07:55.319 I don't want that for my own life So again, it 00:07:55.319 --> 00:07:58.000 was another jolt like you better do something 00:07:58.000 --> 00:08:00.879 because if you keep doing what you're doing You're 00:08:00.879 --> 00:08:02.699 gonna keep getting what you're getting and it 00:08:02.699 --> 00:08:05.920 wasn't aligned with what I wanted and so I realized 00:08:05.920 --> 00:08:09.560 that I was waiting for life to feel differently 00:08:09.560 --> 00:08:13.339 instead of me designing it for how I wanted it 00:08:13.339 --> 00:08:17.920 to be and sort of felt like It's the first time 00:08:17.920 --> 00:08:21.459 where I realized that I have enough self -awareness 00:08:21.459 --> 00:08:26.120 and you know emotional intelligence and perspective 00:08:26.120 --> 00:08:31.579 to Just do what I want to do now again with all 00:08:31.579 --> 00:08:33.639 these other things happening. It just felt like 00:08:33.639 --> 00:08:37.830 the right time to make a big change That's terrific 00:08:37.830 --> 00:08:40.529 and I love what you describe that connection 00:08:40.529 --> 00:08:43.629 and the power of connection because you know 00:08:43.629 --> 00:08:47.610 needing to feel that and just critical to good 00:08:47.610 --> 00:08:50.830 mental health or good health in general being 00:08:50.830 --> 00:08:53.710 able to feel those connections how important 00:08:53.710 --> 00:08:58.200 that is. So from doing the right things to doing 00:08:58.200 --> 00:09:01.720 your thing, you spent decades being responsible 00:09:01.720 --> 00:09:04.200 and showing up for others. And I think that's 00:09:04.200 --> 00:09:07.820 so common that so many women over 50 can relate 00:09:07.820 --> 00:09:11.460 to. How did you navigate that emotional shift 00:09:11.460 --> 00:09:16.480 from external validation to that internal fulfillment? 00:09:17.179 --> 00:09:20.039 And what advice would you give to women who have 00:09:20.039 --> 00:09:23.950 that guilt about prioritizing themselves? That's 00:09:23.950 --> 00:09:25.809 a great question. And by the way, I'm still a 00:09:25.809 --> 00:09:28.389 work in progress shifting that external validation 00:09:28.389 --> 00:09:31.950 thing. It seems to be ingrained, you know, from 00:09:31.950 --> 00:09:34.690 a young age and a lot of other women that I speak 00:09:34.690 --> 00:09:36.710 with, they say the same thing. You know, you 00:09:36.710 --> 00:09:39.950 just grow up with these expectations and, you 00:09:39.950 --> 00:09:41.929 know, to be the good girl or the good wife or 00:09:41.929 --> 00:09:44.509 the good daughter or, you know, dot, dot, dot. 00:09:45.470 --> 00:09:48.090 You know, many of us are working full time. We're 00:09:48.090 --> 00:09:51.350 taking care of the home. A lot of the women in 00:09:51.350 --> 00:09:54.039 my group. have children so that you know they 00:09:54.039 --> 00:09:56.559 raise the kid like they're doing so much and 00:09:56.559 --> 00:09:58.720 a lot of it of course they love the kids of course 00:09:58.720 --> 00:10:01.360 they love their spouse but a lot of it is just 00:10:01.360 --> 00:10:05.620 these expectations that they feel and this obligation 00:10:05.620 --> 00:10:09.659 to just be the responsible woman you know to 00:10:09.659 --> 00:10:12.399 get it all done they're the emotional support 00:10:12.399 --> 00:10:16.259 for all of these people and I think you know 00:10:16.259 --> 00:10:20.169 this is the time now you know for myself I explained 00:10:20.169 --> 00:10:24.970 what my motivation is to make that big change. 00:10:25.230 --> 00:10:27.889 It doesn't mean I don't love the things I'm doing. 00:10:27.990 --> 00:10:32.950 It doesn't mean I don't want to be there for 00:10:32.950 --> 00:10:36.889 everyone or want to make sure my house is running 00:10:36.889 --> 00:10:40.690 or whatever else. But it also means that I am 00:10:40.690 --> 00:10:44.049 deliberately carving out time for myself and 00:10:44.049 --> 00:10:48.330 to focus on my own needs and really focus on 00:10:48.409 --> 00:10:51.509 What are the things that are meaningful? And 00:10:51.509 --> 00:10:54.490 realizing that, again, if you don't make a conscious 00:10:54.490 --> 00:10:58.250 decision to seek that out and design it. no one's 00:10:58.250 --> 00:11:00.509 going to just realize that and hand it to you. 00:11:00.669 --> 00:11:03.990 So it is really your responsibility. A lot of 00:11:03.990 --> 00:11:06.870 the other women who are in my group and my friends, 00:11:07.409 --> 00:11:10.389 they say, now the children are adults. You know, 00:11:10.409 --> 00:11:12.950 a lot of them are empty nesters or the kids, 00:11:13.210 --> 00:11:15.370 some of them, the kids are boomeranged back home, 00:11:15.370 --> 00:11:18.370 but still the children are adults and they feel 00:11:18.370 --> 00:11:21.850 like now it's my time. And so even though their 00:11:21.850 --> 00:11:24.509 identity has been wrapped up into being the mom 00:11:24.509 --> 00:11:28.429 or, you know, this primary you know caregiver 00:11:28.429 --> 00:11:34.230 they're starting to wake up a little bit and 00:11:34.230 --> 00:11:37.529 and see I don't I won't trade all those things 00:11:37.529 --> 00:11:42.049 I did but now is time where I can finally like 00:11:42.049 --> 00:11:45.809 take a breath and decide you know what I want 00:11:45.809 --> 00:11:49.210 and just start prioritizing myself so I think 00:11:49.210 --> 00:11:52.470 that in terms of doing all the right things for 00:11:52.470 --> 00:11:55.570 many of us it's natural and we don't question 00:11:55.570 --> 00:11:59.840 it. We measure up to our parents' expectations 00:11:59.840 --> 00:12:03.080 or our teachers or society, whatever we think 00:12:03.080 --> 00:12:06.960 we're supposed to be doing. And not everyone 00:12:06.960 --> 00:12:11.960 gets this awareness, but the ones who do realize 00:12:11.960 --> 00:12:15.960 whose beliefs were those or whose expectations 00:12:15.960 --> 00:12:20.950 were those. And with the time I have left, I 00:12:20.950 --> 00:12:23.570 deserve some time for me. I deserve to do the 00:12:23.570 --> 00:12:27.990 things I love. I deserve to be happy and are 00:12:27.990 --> 00:12:31.669 now making the space to create lives like that. 00:12:32.889 --> 00:12:35.429 Absolutely, that's that's beautiful. I love that. 00:12:35.429 --> 00:12:37.889 And it's so true. You mentioned, you know, your 00:12:37.889 --> 00:12:40.610 father passing an early age and, you know, none 00:12:40.610 --> 00:12:43.490 of us know, you know, nobody's guaranteed, you 00:12:43.490 --> 00:12:45.970 know, how long a life we get to be here and just 00:12:45.970 --> 00:12:48.870 to know and be able to take what we have today 00:12:48.870 --> 00:12:51.870 and do the very most with it, make the very best 00:12:51.870 --> 00:12:55.100 of it. It's the way to go. Wonderful. There was 00:12:55.100 --> 00:12:57.379 something you mentioned that you noticed kind 00:12:57.379 --> 00:13:00.639 of a connection gap, that the events and communities, 00:13:01.039 --> 00:13:04.019 a lot of them seem designed for the under 50 00:13:04.019 --> 00:13:08.340 crowd. What do you think older women need that's 00:13:08.340 --> 00:13:11.320 fundamentally different from maybe the younger 00:13:11.320 --> 00:13:14.639 demographics? And why is finding that authentic 00:13:14.639 --> 00:13:18.000 connection so much harder at this age? Do you 00:13:18.000 --> 00:13:21.919 think? Yeah, great question. I actually feel 00:13:21.919 --> 00:13:27.019 like all people, women and men need connection. 00:13:28.019 --> 00:13:33.399 And my perception is that society idolizes the 00:13:33.399 --> 00:13:37.440 youth and that when you get to be a certain age, 00:13:37.840 --> 00:13:39.840 you know, like men get distinguished when they're 00:13:39.840 --> 00:13:44.179 older, but women just get old or discarded or 00:13:44.179 --> 00:13:50.259 if beauty was, you know, what made them important. 00:13:50.480 --> 00:13:53.320 as that starts to fade visually, because they're 00:13:53.320 --> 00:13:56.519 still beautiful, but their appearance changes 00:13:56.519 --> 00:14:00.700 getting older, that society doesn't seem to acknowledge 00:14:00.700 --> 00:14:06.259 or respect or celebrate that. So when I say about 00:14:06.259 --> 00:14:11.379 under 50, it's really like under 30, but it just 00:14:11.379 --> 00:14:16.519 sort of feels like women at our age need to remember 00:14:17.190 --> 00:14:19.909 that yes, things might be changing when you look 00:14:19.909 --> 00:14:23.009 in the mirror. You don't look to say, I look 00:14:23.009 --> 00:14:24.669 in the mirror and I'm like, what just happened? 00:14:24.990 --> 00:14:27.169 Where did this wrinkle come from or what's going 00:14:27.169 --> 00:14:31.870 on here? But that again, because we believe society 00:14:31.870 --> 00:14:35.769 only cares about us if we are young or beautiful 00:14:35.769 --> 00:14:39.330 or thin, that it's really important that as women 00:14:39.330 --> 00:14:42.009 are getting older, they don't buy into that. 00:14:42.870 --> 00:14:45.769 And so I think what's missing in midlife spaces 00:14:46.399 --> 00:14:50.299 There's a few things. One is emotional safety 00:14:50.299 --> 00:14:54.080 and I can speak from my own experience. I never 00:14:54.080 --> 00:14:57.919 really had a close group of women friends because 00:14:57.919 --> 00:15:00.960 they all just became very clicky or competitive. 00:15:01.100 --> 00:15:05.139 Somebody was always gossiped about or like undermined 00:15:05.139 --> 00:15:09.000 and so for me throughout life I always saw groups 00:15:09.000 --> 00:15:12.919 of women as scary and because I had gotten hurt 00:15:12.919 --> 00:15:15.799 or I felt left out or you know it was the target 00:15:15.799 --> 00:15:20.000 of something and so throughout many years I might 00:15:20.000 --> 00:15:23.080 be lucky and have a close woman friend but not 00:15:23.080 --> 00:15:26.639 a group of them at the same time and fortunately 00:15:26.639 --> 00:15:30.779 my husband is my best friend so I you know Enjoy 00:15:30.779 --> 00:15:33.000 spending time with him, but there are just certain 00:15:33.000 --> 00:15:35.379 things you don't want to be talking about With 00:15:35.379 --> 00:15:38.019 your spouse or there are just certain things 00:15:38.019 --> 00:15:41.620 that only other women would understand or appreciate 00:15:41.620 --> 00:15:45.559 so this year I made an intentional decision that 00:15:45.559 --> 00:15:47.980 I wanted to make a group of women friends even 00:15:47.980 --> 00:15:50.960 though I'm scared of them and That I was going 00:15:50.960 --> 00:15:53.480 because I'm building it now that I'm doing it 00:15:54.150 --> 00:15:57.129 the safe way, the way that I would want supportive 00:15:57.129 --> 00:15:59.429 and women who really genuinely care about each 00:15:59.429 --> 00:16:02.850 other. So I think having the safety, if there's 00:16:02.850 --> 00:16:04.990 other women who have experienced what I have, 00:16:05.009 --> 00:16:07.649 and I hear these same kinds of stories about 00:16:07.649 --> 00:16:10.009 groups of women and drama and like all these 00:16:10.009 --> 00:16:13.590 things that happen that maybe there's some apprehension, 00:16:13.889 --> 00:16:16.769 you know. not to connect with somebody because 00:16:16.769 --> 00:16:19.830 you don't trust them and you feel like whatever 00:16:19.830 --> 00:16:21.970 happened in your life, your disappointments or 00:16:21.970 --> 00:16:23.769 your hurts are going to happen again. So you 00:16:23.769 --> 00:16:27.029 kind of stay away from that. Also, I think there's 00:16:27.029 --> 00:16:30.470 more and more women who want to talk about things 00:16:30.470 --> 00:16:34.759 that are deep, not just, you know, what car you're 00:16:34.759 --> 00:16:37.960 driving or or your clothes or you know how much 00:16:37.960 --> 00:16:40.720 money you have or they want to just have some 00:16:40.720 --> 00:16:43.539 deep and meaningful conversations but they don't 00:16:43.539 --> 00:16:46.879 need therapy they just connect on a deeper level 00:16:46.879 --> 00:16:49.379 and and i'm in that bucket too i just i love 00:16:49.379 --> 00:16:51.240 to have meaningful conversations with people 00:16:51.240 --> 00:16:54.980 to me that's more of a bond than these, you know, 00:16:55.159 --> 00:16:57.840 friendly acquaintances. So and then I also think 00:16:57.840 --> 00:17:00.159 that even though many women want to connect, 00:17:00.159 --> 00:17:04.019 they actually don't know how. And, you know, 00:17:04.019 --> 00:17:07.119 we don't learn it in school. And not everyone 00:17:07.119 --> 00:17:10.980 is a natural extrovert. And so people need to 00:17:10.980 --> 00:17:14.740 feel like they're in an environment where they 00:17:14.740 --> 00:17:16.880 will be asked a question and they will have time 00:17:16.880 --> 00:17:19.259 to answer without someone cutting them off or, 00:17:19.480 --> 00:17:22.970 you know, they just have to feel comfortable, 00:17:23.210 --> 00:17:26.849 safe, included. And I think that those are some 00:17:26.849 --> 00:17:28.970 things that have prevented some connection. And 00:17:28.970 --> 00:17:32.329 then as your children get older, you don't have 00:17:32.329 --> 00:17:35.369 built in ways to meet other people. Maybe as 00:17:35.369 --> 00:17:38.730 your children were younger, you had friendships 00:17:38.730 --> 00:17:42.329 with the parents sitting in the bleachers at 00:17:42.329 --> 00:17:44.730 the soccer game or, you know, in the little league 00:17:44.730 --> 00:17:47.450 or something, or the scouts. And as the kids 00:17:47.450 --> 00:17:50.390 get older, You know the only thing that maybe 00:17:50.390 --> 00:17:53.309 connected you with these other people was the 00:17:53.309 --> 00:17:56.089 shared children so there isn't anything to keep 00:17:56.089 --> 00:18:00.890 you connected and also You know some people are 00:18:00.890 --> 00:18:04.309 widowed or some people are divorced or some people 00:18:04.309 --> 00:18:07.049 especially in my area are retiring and moving 00:18:07.049 --> 00:18:09.849 here so again, they're starting with no knowing 00:18:09.849 --> 00:18:13.009 no one and Having to start all over again without 00:18:13.009 --> 00:18:16.740 these easy built -in ways to meet people preventing 00:18:16.740 --> 00:18:19.880 connection and we're all so busy and you know 00:18:19.880 --> 00:18:23.460 social media it's amazing how time evaporates 00:18:23.460 --> 00:18:26.440 when you're just scrolling or when you're watching 00:18:26.440 --> 00:18:29.200 the news and you just feel so depressed about 00:18:29.200 --> 00:18:31.839 what you're reading that you just don't want 00:18:31.839 --> 00:18:35.220 to go out so I really feel like there are many 00:18:35.220 --> 00:18:39.599 many things creating the connection gap and even 00:18:39.599 --> 00:18:43.079 though we all as humans need connection It's 00:18:43.079 --> 00:18:46.019 like an uphill climb and we really have to make 00:18:46.019 --> 00:18:50.180 some bold moves to to start to create that, you 00:18:50.180 --> 00:18:54.900 know. Do you find that women in your group kind 00:18:54.900 --> 00:18:57.960 of embrace some of this vulnerability that you're 00:18:57.960 --> 00:19:00.279 talking about? Or do you think some are still 00:19:00.279 --> 00:19:03.599 a little resistant to that? What do you see there? 00:19:04.140 --> 00:19:06.640 Yeah, it's a great question. You know, fortunately. 00:19:07.900 --> 00:19:12.589 I lead so. If I share, I share a lot of vulnerable 00:19:12.589 --> 00:19:15.829 things in my newsletters, in my group, just in 00:19:15.829 --> 00:19:18.069 life when I'm out talking to people. And you 00:19:18.069 --> 00:19:20.650 obviously have to read the room. You know, it's 00:19:20.650 --> 00:19:22.329 not like you're going to meet somebody and talk 00:19:22.329 --> 00:19:25.230 to them about your childhood trauma or like your 00:19:25.230 --> 00:19:27.410 cholesterol numbers or, you know, that you have 00:19:27.410 --> 00:19:29.509 some health thing. You kind of have to know who 00:19:29.509 --> 00:19:32.230 you're talking with and what kind of situation 00:19:32.230 --> 00:19:37.930 you're in. But I do feel, you know, if I share 00:19:37.930 --> 00:19:42.509 something first, I'm leading by example and I'm 00:19:42.509 --> 00:19:46.349 showing everyone that I'm courageous and that 00:19:46.349 --> 00:19:49.269 this is what I want and this is who I am anyway 00:19:49.269 --> 00:19:52.369 and I'm willing to be myself. Then they can take 00:19:52.369 --> 00:19:55.650 the lead because they see that it's okay. They 00:19:55.650 --> 00:19:58.329 have permission to be vulnerable. You know, in 00:19:58.329 --> 00:20:01.690 my community we have some guidelines. It's called 00:20:01.690 --> 00:20:03.569 the Connected Hearts Promise because Connected 00:20:03.569 --> 00:20:06.579 Hearts is the name of my group. We just have 00:20:06.579 --> 00:20:08.960 some guidelines where what we talk about in this 00:20:08.960 --> 00:20:13.119 space is kept in confidence or we don't interrupt 00:20:13.119 --> 00:20:16.440 each other. If someone has the floor, they have 00:20:16.440 --> 00:20:19.339 the time to share. Sometimes people need time 00:20:19.339 --> 00:20:22.460 to process before they start talking. They need 00:20:22.460 --> 00:20:25.200 a little more introspection. Sometimes someone 00:20:25.200 --> 00:20:27.700 else will jump right in then and fill that gap. 00:20:27.930 --> 00:20:30.990 but our guidelines really prevent that. There's 00:20:30.990 --> 00:20:33.069 different ways that we interact with each other 00:20:33.069 --> 00:20:36.250 that shows a lot of mutual respect and that we're 00:20:36.250 --> 00:20:39.109 all wanting to be in there for the same reasons 00:20:39.109 --> 00:20:43.049 and we're willing to kind of follow these rules 00:20:43.049 --> 00:20:46.450 because it preserves the integrity of the space. 00:20:47.069 --> 00:20:51.190 And so there are people who flat out don't resonate 00:20:51.190 --> 00:20:54.759 with this at all. they don't come in which is 00:20:54.759 --> 00:20:57.700 a good thing right because this isn't for everyone 00:20:57.700 --> 00:21:00.900 and if we had somebody come in where everyone 00:21:00.900 --> 00:21:05.000 else is sharing and someone isn't it does create 00:21:05.000 --> 00:21:09.359 some Safety concerns emotional safety, you know 00:21:09.359 --> 00:21:11.940 people feel comfortable when everyone sharing 00:21:11.940 --> 00:21:15.859 and certainly We don't force anyone to say anything. 00:21:15.859 --> 00:21:18.380 They don't want if someone doesn't feel comfortable 00:21:18.380 --> 00:21:22.630 They just pass and there's no judgment but I 00:21:22.630 --> 00:21:26.910 just feel like there are some unspoken and spoken 00:21:26.910 --> 00:21:31.710 rules that help people to feel more comfortable 00:21:31.710 --> 00:21:35.710 and wanting to share. And I feel like because 00:21:35.710 --> 00:21:38.730 there aren't a lot of spaces in life where it's 00:21:38.730 --> 00:21:40.950 acceptable for them to share in this way, like 00:21:40.950 --> 00:21:43.670 you're not going to go into your workplace. You 00:21:43.670 --> 00:21:46.599 know, it's like... My experience working in a 00:21:46.599 --> 00:21:49.079 corporate environment is you're really not supposed 00:21:49.079 --> 00:21:53.460 to be very emotional. It shows weakness or you're 00:21:53.460 --> 00:21:55.539 not supposed to bring your personal stuff into 00:21:55.539 --> 00:21:59.859 the office. So my point is, I think at least 00:21:59.859 --> 00:22:03.000 the women that I am connecting with are really 00:22:03.000 --> 00:22:05.240 wanting this because it doesn't exist anywhere 00:22:05.240 --> 00:22:09.539 else where they feel like it's welcome and it 00:22:09.539 --> 00:22:13.400 makes them feel less alone. Truly a safe space. 00:22:13.400 --> 00:22:16.799 Yeah, you're also running mediation practice, 00:22:17.000 --> 00:22:19.759 helping people through their divorce transitions 00:22:19.759 --> 00:22:23.599 and the wonderful experiences. So how do you 00:22:23.599 --> 00:22:26.819 see the parallel between helping people exit 00:22:26.819 --> 00:22:29.940 one chapter of their life and then embracing 00:22:29.940 --> 00:22:33.579 a new one? Yeah, I've worked with my husband 00:22:33.579 --> 00:22:36.660 and partner in our mediation and coaching practice 00:22:36.660 --> 00:22:42.420 for. Gosh, 17 years now? So a long time. I myself 00:22:42.420 --> 00:22:46.819 was previously divorced and used mediation. My 00:22:46.819 --> 00:22:49.720 husband's parents had a pretty terrible divorce 00:22:49.720 --> 00:22:53.180 when he was a kid, and so he knows what not to 00:22:53.180 --> 00:22:55.740 do, right? But we've been working together for 00:22:55.740 --> 00:22:59.480 all these years, helping people, you know, respectfully. 00:23:01.000 --> 00:23:03.440 end their marriages, you know, preserving their 00:23:03.440 --> 00:23:05.519 bank accounts and preserving their relationship 00:23:05.519 --> 00:23:07.299 with their children. But it's a really painful 00:23:07.299 --> 00:23:11.299 time in life, a divorce. It is a major life transition. 00:23:12.279 --> 00:23:15.660 And in my community now, working with women in 00:23:15.660 --> 00:23:18.660 midlife, it's also a life transition, right, 00:23:18.680 --> 00:23:21.819 where a lot of people, their identities are changing. 00:23:21.819 --> 00:23:24.279 If they're an empty nester, or again, if they're 00:23:24.279 --> 00:23:26.660 divorcing, or if they're a widow, or if they're 00:23:26.660 --> 00:23:30.869 retiring, just, it's an identity loss. when you 00:23:30.869 --> 00:23:32.730 look in the mirror and you're like, how on earth, 00:23:32.910 --> 00:23:35.289 you know, what just happened? You know? I'm sitting 00:23:35.289 --> 00:23:38.630 here, who am I? Yes, these are kind of lots of 00:23:38.630 --> 00:23:40.589 deaths. You know, you have to sort of grieve 00:23:40.589 --> 00:23:43.750 the loss of these things, these parts of you. 00:23:44.630 --> 00:23:47.289 There's some similarities in divorce and what 00:23:47.289 --> 00:23:49.569 I'm doing. These are all major life transitions 00:23:49.569 --> 00:23:52.210 and there are different phases people go through 00:23:52.210 --> 00:23:55.450 when they're healing from it. And I help them 00:23:55.450 --> 00:23:58.630 really build resilience so that they can kind 00:23:58.630 --> 00:24:02.369 of reflect on what's happening, accept it however 00:24:02.369 --> 00:24:05.910 they can, heal from it if that's what's needed, 00:24:06.269 --> 00:24:10.109 and then be optimistic as they carve out what 00:24:10.109 --> 00:24:12.470 they want next, you know, for their next chapter. 00:24:13.029 --> 00:24:16.430 I think that a lot of people, they fear the unknown 00:24:16.430 --> 00:24:20.769 more than the pain they know now, and it's horrifying. 00:24:21.109 --> 00:24:23.609 It's like a new frontier, you know. I don't know 00:24:23.609 --> 00:24:27.230 what to do now, I'm lost. And I feel like an 00:24:27.230 --> 00:24:29.490 identity loss, it's harder a lot of times than 00:24:29.490 --> 00:24:32.950 a logistical change. It was a big change to physically 00:24:32.950 --> 00:24:35.950 move from New Jersey to Chicago or Chicago to 00:24:35.950 --> 00:24:39.970 here. But an identity loss is something, it's 00:24:39.970 --> 00:24:42.329 not tangible. You don't see it and it's more 00:24:42.329 --> 00:24:45.289 difficult. It's like a silent thing, but it's 00:24:45.289 --> 00:24:48.910 still pretty significant. And I also feel like... 00:24:48.670 --> 00:24:51.869 because divorce there's so much stigma although 00:24:51.869 --> 00:24:54.890 maybe maybe not so much anymore but it depends 00:24:54.890 --> 00:24:58.230 the stigma of it there's a lot of embarrassment 00:24:58.230 --> 00:25:01.589 or you're ashamed or you don't want to broadcast 00:25:01.589 --> 00:25:03.609 it you feel like something's wrong with you or 00:25:03.609 --> 00:25:06.430 that you're a failure same thing in midlife some 00:25:06.430 --> 00:25:08.309 of the things we're talking about it's like you're 00:25:08.309 --> 00:25:10.210 not going to talk to your husband about how like 00:25:10.210 --> 00:25:12.569 there's a chin hair like you're just not going 00:25:12.569 --> 00:25:14.670 to talk to your husband about what's going on 00:25:14.670 --> 00:25:17.039 for your body or how you can't sleep through 00:25:17.039 --> 00:25:20.160 the night anymore or a lot of us feel very isolated 00:25:20.160 --> 00:25:24.619 and alone and I feel like in order to heal and 00:25:24.619 --> 00:25:29.420 grow and move forward that requires support and 00:25:29.420 --> 00:25:33.019 it's like there's so many similarities between 00:25:33.019 --> 00:25:36.819 the mediation and the midlife women and it's 00:25:36.819 --> 00:25:39.819 that resilience it's not about just powering 00:25:39.819 --> 00:25:43.720 through get over it it's really about slowing 00:25:43.720 --> 00:25:47.759 things down listening to yourself choosing differently 00:25:47.759 --> 00:25:51.220 next time in ways that really align with your 00:25:51.220 --> 00:25:56.700 values and your integrity. So beautiful. What 00:25:56.700 --> 00:25:59.380 would you say is maybe a universal truth that 00:25:59.380 --> 00:26:01.900 you've learned about resilience during these 00:26:01.900 --> 00:26:05.390 transitions? Anything that comes to mind? Yes, 00:26:05.609 --> 00:26:09.029 I've learned that the key to resilience is being 00:26:09.029 --> 00:26:12.089 your own best friend. And you know, if you think 00:26:12.089 --> 00:26:15.450 about it a lot of times, especially in a divorce 00:26:15.450 --> 00:26:20.680 situation, you... Feel like your spouse you lost 00:26:20.680 --> 00:26:23.420 your best friend, right? You lost the person 00:26:23.420 --> 00:26:25.940 you're confident or someone who was always there 00:26:25.940 --> 00:26:28.019 for you or that had your back maybe the divorce 00:26:28.019 --> 00:26:29.740 is because that that person didn't have your 00:26:29.740 --> 00:26:32.559 back but but but during the marriage you get 00:26:32.559 --> 00:26:34.779 married and you feel like the process of getting 00:26:34.779 --> 00:26:38.140 married means you have someone looking out for 00:26:38.140 --> 00:26:41.039 you or who's there with you through through the 00:26:41.039 --> 00:26:43.240 good times the bad times who's got your back 00:26:43.240 --> 00:26:46.619 and And then when you're making a major change 00:26:46.619 --> 00:26:50.930 you you don't have that person anymore. But who 00:26:50.930 --> 00:26:54.890 do you have to help you? You. And this is really 00:26:54.890 --> 00:26:59.450 a time to start thinking about being your own 00:26:59.450 --> 00:27:02.950 best friend is trusting yourself, really loving 00:27:02.950 --> 00:27:05.869 yourself, taking care of yourself and treating 00:27:05.869 --> 00:27:09.029 yourself the way that you expect everybody else 00:27:09.029 --> 00:27:13.789 to treat you. Because if you aren't kind to yourself 00:27:13.789 --> 00:27:17.119 and if you don't have self -compassion, You're 00:27:17.119 --> 00:27:19.279 not going to attract people in situations into 00:27:19.279 --> 00:27:22.240 your life that that mirror that back And so when 00:27:22.240 --> 00:27:25.000 you're going through these major life transitions, 00:27:25.000 --> 00:27:28.160 and you need resilience it comes from inside 00:27:28.160 --> 00:27:31.660 It's it's from you certainly there are lots of 00:27:31.660 --> 00:27:34.859 places to get support therapists, self -help 00:27:34.859 --> 00:27:37.400 books, there's support groups. Same thing for 00:27:37.400 --> 00:27:39.440 midlife. There are support groups. You can go 00:27:39.440 --> 00:27:41.859 to therapy. And all of those are wonderful ways. 00:27:42.359 --> 00:27:45.339 But even those things are helping you reconnect 00:27:45.339 --> 00:27:50.099 with yourself. And if you have a great relationship 00:27:50.099 --> 00:27:52.519 with yourself and you love and care for yourself, 00:27:53.019 --> 00:27:55.839 the choices you make and the way you look at 00:27:55.839 --> 00:27:59.380 life are going to be in alignment with that and 00:27:59.380 --> 00:28:01.400 you're going to have happiness. You know, because 00:28:01.400 --> 00:28:03.359 it only they would say, right, it comes from 00:28:03.359 --> 00:28:07.059 within. Absolutely. So important. That's that's 00:28:07.059 --> 00:28:10.680 right. Well, I have really enjoyed our conversation 00:28:10.680 --> 00:28:14.220 here, and I am just really thankful that we were 00:28:14.220 --> 00:28:16.140 able to connect and you're able to join me today 00:28:16.140 --> 00:28:19.660 as we wrap up. What else would you like our audience 00:28:19.660 --> 00:28:23.400 to know about your community or anything, anything 00:28:23.400 --> 00:28:25.720 that you're promoting? What else would you like 00:28:25.720 --> 00:28:29.660 for everyone to know about you? Yeah, thank you 00:28:29.660 --> 00:28:33.200 for asking me. I would say a newsletter is available 00:28:33.200 --> 00:28:37.660 to women who live anywhere. So if you want a 00:28:37.660 --> 00:28:42.680 weekly dose of inspiration and reflection and 00:28:42.680 --> 00:28:44.980 just to know that you're not alone, you know, 00:28:45.019 --> 00:28:48.680 to have a weekly little bit of joy, so please... 00:28:48.490 --> 00:28:51.470 subscribe to my newsletter which is called The 00:28:51.470 --> 00:28:55.009 Uplift and you can do that directly on my website. 00:28:55.130 --> 00:29:01.390 It is wonderfulexperiences .com slash get dash 00:29:01.390 --> 00:29:06.349 v dash uplift so that's one way and if anyone 00:29:06.349 --> 00:29:10.970 lives in coastal north county san diego and resonates 00:29:10.970 --> 00:29:14.599 with the things that I've spoken about. I hope 00:29:14.599 --> 00:29:17.220 you'll check out my group, Connected Hearts, 00:29:17.700 --> 00:29:20.660 and there's a membership tab on the website as 00:29:20.660 --> 00:29:23.259 well with more information about coming as a 00:29:23.259 --> 00:29:26.819 guest. Oh, that's wonderful. Well, thank you 00:29:26.819 --> 00:29:29.720 for the work that you're doing. I absolutely 00:29:29.720 --> 00:29:33.480 love the community that you're building and the 00:29:33.480 --> 00:29:36.799 connection that you're making with women and 00:29:36.799 --> 00:29:40.980 just being able to be that safe place where women 00:29:40.980 --> 00:29:44.140 can come and share and be open and vulnerable 00:29:44.140 --> 00:29:49.980 and make true genuine. have true authentic relationships. 00:29:50.039 --> 00:29:52.640 That's just awesome. I love that. It's a great 00:29:52.640 --> 00:29:57.079 thing. Thank you. So thank you. And I wish you 00:29:57.079 --> 00:30:00.160 all the best. Continue success as you build your 00:30:00.160 --> 00:30:03.359 community and your business there in San Diego. 00:30:03.619 --> 00:30:09.920 Thank you. Thank you, Michelle. Thank you so 00:30:09.920 --> 00:30:12.359 much for spending time with me today. I am truly 00:30:12.359 --> 00:30:15.240 grateful that you chose to listen in and I hope 00:30:15.240 --> 00:30:17.680 that this conversation sparked something meaningful 00:30:17.680 --> 00:30:21.019 for you. Please take a moment to subscribe, leave 00:30:21.019 --> 00:30:23.700 a review. It helps other women to find us who 00:30:23.700 --> 00:30:26.519 need to hear these stories too. And if you know 00:30:26.519 --> 00:30:28.859 someone who is ready for their own comeback, 00:30:29.220 --> 00:30:31.980 share this episode with them. I'd love to connect 00:30:31.980 --> 00:30:36.420 with you beyond the podcast. Visit me at hercomebackpodcast 00:30:36.420 --> 00:30:40.759 .com. That's HerComebackPodcast .com to learn 00:30:40.759 --> 00:30:43.599 more about how we can work together. I have a 00:30:43.599 --> 00:30:47.339 gift for you. Get your free copy today of five 00:30:47.339 --> 00:30:50.880 powerful shifts to reclaim your life. Remember 00:30:50.880 --> 00:30:53.380 your comeback story is waiting to be written. 00:30:53.900 --> 00:30:56.740 The question isn't, can I transform my life? 00:30:57.180 --> 00:31:07.380 The question is, are you ready? Let's go. Said 00:31:07.380 --> 00:31:12.259 all the right things just to belong Smiles so 00:31:12.259 --> 00:31:12.559 sweet