WEBVTT 00:00:02.980 --> 00:00:09.160 Fuck I recorded like 11 minutes and My eyes were 00:00:09.160 --> 00:00:12.439 closed So I didn't realize that the screen had 00:00:12.439 --> 00:00:17.859 went dark and it stopped recording so Welcome 00:00:17.859 --> 00:00:21.179 to episode 23 of play with your dick not me. 00:00:21.219 --> 00:00:28.160 I am your host Sadie aka Capricorn Clark I am 00:00:28.160 --> 00:00:30.640 not sure why I'm recording right now to be honest 00:00:30.640 --> 00:00:37.530 cuz fuck I am struggling today I am really struggling 00:00:37.530 --> 00:00:41.549 I have been struggling immensely in the past 00:00:41.549 --> 00:00:49.950 two years but I have my days are harder than 00:00:49.950 --> 00:00:57.450 others harder than others and I just still grieving 00:00:57.450 --> 00:01:05.370 still struggling I don't know how much I'm ready 00:01:05.370 --> 00:01:10.709 to start sharing. I know I've kinda hinted at 00:01:10.709 --> 00:01:14.750 stuff every episode almost, but I don't think 00:01:14.750 --> 00:01:21.430 I'm fully ready to talk about the source of my 00:01:21.430 --> 00:01:25.269 grief fully yet, because a lot of people aren't 00:01:25.269 --> 00:01:27.689 gonna understand and they're gonna mislabel it 00:01:27.689 --> 00:01:33.079 and they're not gonna understand it. Especially 00:01:33.079 --> 00:01:37.280 if you're somebody that doesn't understand friendships 00:01:37.280 --> 00:01:40.780 between opposite sexes. I know a lot of people 00:01:40.780 --> 00:01:45.000 like that and in my experience, if you've grown 00:01:45.000 --> 00:01:48.519 up with the opposite sex siblings, then you understand 00:01:48.519 --> 00:01:51.560 it. But if you're an only child or you grew up 00:01:51.560 --> 00:01:53.900 with only same sex siblings, you don't quite 00:01:53.900 --> 00:01:58.379 get it. That's not always the case, but that's 00:01:58.379 --> 00:02:01.849 in my experience. I have a lot of guy friends. 00:02:01.950 --> 00:02:04.629 I've always had guy friends. I clicked with guys 00:02:04.629 --> 00:02:08.469 growing up better than I did with girls. It took 00:02:08.469 --> 00:02:12.150 years, years for me to cultivate meaningful friendships 00:02:12.150 --> 00:02:14.449 with girls. Like I just, we just didn't understand 00:02:14.449 --> 00:02:17.909 each other. And I didn't like the cattiness and 00:02:17.909 --> 00:02:19.889 the rudeness and the talking behind your back. 00:02:20.009 --> 00:02:23.050 I'm not saying that I never engaged in that kind 00:02:23.050 --> 00:02:25.189 of behavior. When you're a kid, you're just trying 00:02:25.189 --> 00:02:29.229 to fit in. But it never sat well with my soul. 00:02:29.740 --> 00:02:32.939 It never sat well with my soul and guys were 00:02:32.939 --> 00:02:36.719 just always easier. No drama like no drama ever 00:02:36.719 --> 00:02:40.719 like you you know like I like occasionally I 00:02:40.719 --> 00:02:42.860 had guy friends that would come over every single 00:02:42.860 --> 00:02:45.379 fucking day and you kind of get frustrated and 00:02:45.379 --> 00:02:47.259 irritated and on each other's nerves because 00:02:47.259 --> 00:02:48.979 they're almost like your brother because you 00:02:48.979 --> 00:02:51.259 see them all the fucking time but that was like 00:02:51.259 --> 00:02:54.120 the extent I never you know like I hate you we're 00:02:54.120 --> 00:02:56.319 not gonna be your friend anymore like never went 00:02:56.319 --> 00:02:58.919 through that kind of catty drama bullshit being 00:02:58.919 --> 00:03:01.900 friends with boys like guys have always been 00:03:01.900 --> 00:03:06.400 zero drama like just I've always had an easier 00:03:06.400 --> 00:03:09.919 time I've always had an easier time. I have meaningful 00:03:09.919 --> 00:03:14.300 friendships with women now, but it took years. 00:03:14.539 --> 00:03:18.039 It took years. I have just always vied better 00:03:18.039 --> 00:03:22.840 with guys. It's always been me. But I would get 00:03:22.840 --> 00:03:25.300 annoyed when I would have particular guy friends 00:03:25.300 --> 00:03:27.979 that people would regularly see me with, and 00:03:27.979 --> 00:03:30.659 then they would try to ship us. Like, oh, you 00:03:30.659 --> 00:03:33.080 guys would be so cute together. And it's just 00:03:33.080 --> 00:03:35.639 like... Me and my friend would just fucking look 00:03:35.639 --> 00:03:37.800 at each other and be like what the fuck like 00:03:37.800 --> 00:03:41.500 Why why can't we just be friends like what why 00:03:41.500 --> 00:03:43.740 like why why do you have to ship us together? 00:03:43.740 --> 00:03:45.960 Why do you like what are you doing? What are 00:03:45.960 --> 00:03:48.759 you doing? You know and that shit always irritated 00:03:48.759 --> 00:03:52.159 me like my best friend Spencer like he will come 00:03:52.159 --> 00:03:56.340 and meet me for lunch at my work and or I'll 00:03:56.340 --> 00:04:00.219 leave and go out for lunch with him and But if 00:04:00.219 --> 00:04:02.620 he comes to my office, he's there all day. He's 00:04:02.620 --> 00:04:04.419 there all day. We're just chopping it up. He's 00:04:04.419 --> 00:04:06.719 telling me about this girl he's into or that 00:04:06.719 --> 00:04:08.400 girl and that girl. It's usually a couple of 00:04:08.400 --> 00:04:11.419 girls. And, you know, we're just talking about 00:04:11.419 --> 00:04:16.500 life and, you know, just shooting the shit. And 00:04:16.500 --> 00:04:19.319 I would have people that I worked with or whatever. 00:04:19.459 --> 00:04:20.819 It got to the point where I just started telling 00:04:20.819 --> 00:04:23.420 people Spencer was my brother because I didn't 00:04:23.420 --> 00:04:26.220 really feel like... getting the questions and 00:04:26.220 --> 00:04:29.120 the accusing eyes and all that bullshit if I 00:04:29.120 --> 00:04:31.240 said oh this is my best friend because in the 00:04:31.240 --> 00:04:33.480 past when he would come pick me up for lunch 00:04:33.480 --> 00:04:36.319 and we go get like fun or whatever I'd come back 00:04:36.319 --> 00:04:38.339 to the office and I my co -workers would be like 00:04:38.339 --> 00:04:41.560 oh he likes you and I'd be like no the fuck he 00:04:41.560 --> 00:04:45.310 doesn't like no the fuck he doesn't i'm not even 00:04:45.310 --> 00:04:48.350 his type and even if i was you that is like my 00:04:48.350 --> 00:04:51.269 brother you know i've known him for a gazillion 00:04:51.269 --> 00:04:53.410 years like and but that shit used to irritate 00:04:53.410 --> 00:04:56.269 the fuck out of me like just because you see 00:04:56.269 --> 00:04:58.649 a guy and a girl and they have good chemistry 00:04:58.649 --> 00:05:00.050 and they're laughing and kicking it and it's 00:05:00.050 --> 00:05:02.250 very natural that does not mean they want to 00:05:02.250 --> 00:05:06.750 fuck that that is not no like women and men can 00:05:06.750 --> 00:05:09.629 just be friends they can just be platonic ass 00:05:09.629 --> 00:05:12.990 friends and That's just always been something 00:05:12.990 --> 00:05:15.610 that has been natural for me my entire life just 00:05:15.610 --> 00:05:19.610 to be friends with guys You know and I really 00:05:19.610 --> 00:05:22.230 think that you don't even think twice about it 00:05:22.230 --> 00:05:25.050 When you're a girl and you grow up with brothers 00:05:25.050 --> 00:05:27.230 or you're a boy and you grow up with sisters 00:05:27.230 --> 00:05:29.870 like it's it's just natural like the same with 00:05:29.870 --> 00:05:33.029 my husband like tiger has always had female friends 00:05:33.029 --> 00:05:37.569 and it's just I think it has to do with growing 00:05:37.569 --> 00:05:39.790 up with opposite sex siblings in your household 00:05:39.790 --> 00:05:42.370 Like it's just a natural thing like tigers always 00:05:42.370 --> 00:05:44.509 had female friends that were just female friends 00:05:44.509 --> 00:05:46.509 I've always had guy friends over just guy friends 00:05:46.509 --> 00:05:49.250 But I've come to find in my experience people 00:05:49.250 --> 00:05:51.810 that are only child or they've only ever had 00:05:51.810 --> 00:05:54.310 siblings of the same sex They just don't quite 00:05:54.310 --> 00:05:57.269 get it. They they don't quite it doesn't make 00:05:57.269 --> 00:06:00.329 sense to them in their brain How opposite sex 00:06:00.329 --> 00:06:03.949 can just be fucking friends? That's it like there 00:06:03.949 --> 00:06:06.569 are no romance feelings there whatsoever and 00:06:06.569 --> 00:06:08.370 there never will be you know what I'm saying 00:06:08.370 --> 00:06:11.990 like do friends eventually do friends in some 00:06:11.990 --> 00:06:15.569 situations become lovers yeah but I don't think 00:06:15.569 --> 00:06:19.250 it's the way people think I think that there 00:06:19.250 --> 00:06:21.689 was always a little something between those two 00:06:21.689 --> 00:06:23.870 people there was always just a little something 00:06:23.870 --> 00:06:28.019 like they were being friends but deep down they 00:06:28.019 --> 00:06:30.060 had you know what i'm saying but when they're 00:06:30.060 --> 00:06:32.980 actually just friends just fucking friends and 00:06:32.980 --> 00:06:35.540 that's it and it's never gonna be anything different 00:06:35.540 --> 00:06:39.660 like so yeah so i would get so fucking annoyed 00:06:39.660 --> 00:06:42.500 with people saying dumb ass off -the -wall shit 00:06:42.500 --> 00:06:44.980 every time spencer would come hang out with me 00:06:44.980 --> 00:06:47.339 at work for lunch that i just started introducing 00:06:47.339 --> 00:06:50.139 to people this is my brother because i didn't 00:06:50.139 --> 00:06:53.160 need people to be like oh what's going on here 00:06:53.160 --> 00:06:54.720 or i'm gonna go tell your husband you know what 00:06:54.720 --> 00:06:57.689 i'm saying like like um go tell my husband my 00:06:57.689 --> 00:06:59.449 husband knows who the fuck spencer is we're all 00:06:59.449 --> 00:07:01.370 friends we all grew up together like what the 00:07:01.370 --> 00:07:04.850 fuck tiger has known spencer longer than me you 00:07:04.850 --> 00:07:07.209 know and it's and it's the same thing like anytime 00:07:07.209 --> 00:07:10.430 spencer has dated a female he introduces them 00:07:10.430 --> 00:07:12.790 to me and they get to know me very well like 00:07:12.790 --> 00:07:14.930 this is his best friend like and i'm not even 00:07:14.930 --> 00:07:17.629 his only female friend you know i don't even 00:07:17.629 --> 00:07:19.589 know how i got on this topic how did i get here 00:07:19.589 --> 00:07:22.149 i don't know i was segueing into something but 00:07:22.149 --> 00:07:27.410 um i've just always Bonded and connected better 00:07:27.410 --> 00:07:30.209 with guys like it's just it's always been the 00:07:30.209 --> 00:07:36.329 most natural You know types of bonds for me personally 00:07:36.329 --> 00:07:46.310 so But like I said I the past Ten years or so 00:07:46.310 --> 00:07:49.110 I started to cultivate meaningful relationships 00:07:49.110 --> 00:07:53.920 with women, but it took Like over half my life 00:07:53.920 --> 00:08:00.699 that I've lived or whatever um But uh, I just 00:08:00.699 --> 00:08:07.439 I don't really want to get into it, but I have 00:08:07.439 --> 00:08:15.339 Basically in a nutshell one of my favorite people 00:08:15.339 --> 00:08:22.919 turned into the biggest lesson of my life He 00:08:22.919 --> 00:08:28.680 was one of my very best friends, and I've just 00:08:28.680 --> 00:08:32.100 have been grieving his absence for the past two 00:08:32.100 --> 00:08:39.399 years. And this has been the most sad, the most 00:08:39.399 --> 00:08:42.620 miserable, the most pain I've ever experienced 00:08:42.620 --> 00:09:00.600 in my entire life. it's just um I have it has 00:09:00.600 --> 00:09:08.460 been so painful that I now have this belief that 00:09:08.460 --> 00:09:12.799 grieving somebody that is still alive is absolutely 00:09:12.799 --> 00:09:15.559 a thousand times more painful than grieving somebody 00:09:15.559 --> 00:09:20.480 who has moved on like from this world like deceased 00:09:20.480 --> 00:09:24.830 died And this is why I feel this way, hear me 00:09:24.830 --> 00:09:28.409 out. Well, because I have lost people to death. 00:09:28.830 --> 00:09:32.149 And this pain of grieving somebody that is still 00:09:32.149 --> 00:09:40.970 alive, way worse. So, okay. When you are grieving 00:09:40.970 --> 00:09:46.509 somebody that has died, there is not a place 00:09:46.509 --> 00:09:50.289 you can go on this entire planet and find them. 00:09:52.149 --> 00:09:55.509 Nowhere on God's green earth. Can you go and 00:09:55.509 --> 00:10:00.370 find them you can go to every corner of the planet 00:10:00.370 --> 00:10:04.029 and you will not find them they are gone and 00:10:04.029 --> 00:10:08.769 your brain just Eventually accepts it You still 00:10:08.769 --> 00:10:11.169 make it sad on anniversaries of their death or 00:10:11.169 --> 00:10:14.370 their birthday, but you know that nowhere on 00:10:14.370 --> 00:10:20.250 the planet Can you go and run into them? But 00:10:20.250 --> 00:10:22.889 when you were grieving somebody that is still 00:10:22.889 --> 00:10:31.450 alive and You live in the same fucking town So 00:10:31.450 --> 00:10:35.450 occasionally you have to run into them And you 00:10:35.450 --> 00:10:39.210 have to act like you don't care Even though you 00:10:39.210 --> 00:10:42.350 were just crying again for the 15th zillion time 00:10:42.350 --> 00:10:45.990 about how much you miss them But then you run 00:10:45.990 --> 00:10:49.470 into them at Walmart or something and you have 00:10:49.470 --> 00:10:55.679 to act like you don't care that you ran into 00:10:55.679 --> 00:11:01.779 them and you can't talk to them you know I used 00:11:01.779 --> 00:11:03.799 to just burst into tears when that would happen 00:11:03.799 --> 00:11:08.879 it was a very weird sensation you know to miss 00:11:08.879 --> 00:11:11.220 somebody that much and then you run into them 00:11:11.220 --> 00:11:13.799 and you freak out so bad you burst into tears 00:11:13.799 --> 00:11:21.070 but um now now I can play it off like Don't care 00:11:21.070 --> 00:11:24.830 that they're there But it's a fucking lie. It 00:11:24.830 --> 00:11:28.809 is a fucking front all the way a fucking front 00:11:28.809 --> 00:11:36.389 But um I have to and Then you know I can hold 00:11:36.389 --> 00:11:39.350 it in and then cry when I get to my car or cry 00:11:39.350 --> 00:11:46.009 when I get home and For months and months and 00:11:46.009 --> 00:11:49.190 months. I thought this was just a regular friendship 00:11:49.190 --> 00:11:54.480 breakup But I had also never experienced anything 00:11:54.480 --> 00:12:07.679 like that before I had never um Because even 00:12:07.679 --> 00:12:11.200 that was baffling to me because I've never more 00:12:11.200 --> 00:12:14.159 in the loss of a friendship ending I've I've 00:12:14.159 --> 00:12:16.519 had lots of people walk out of my life. I'm the 00:12:16.519 --> 00:12:20.000 poster child for abandonment I have had lots 00:12:20.000 --> 00:12:22.259 of people walk out of my life. I've had friendships 00:12:22.259 --> 00:12:27.440 abruptly end I've had To you know, just I have 00:12:27.440 --> 00:12:29.860 seen lots of end different endings to friendships 00:12:29.860 --> 00:12:33.159 and relationships obviously, but this is about 00:12:33.159 --> 00:12:39.279 a friendship and So I was just like this is weird. 00:12:39.279 --> 00:12:43.480 I don't normally get sad when a friendship ends. 00:12:43.720 --> 00:12:45.799 I don't normally, you know, like I'm usually 00:12:45.799 --> 00:12:50.100 the person that is like, fuck them. And I give 00:12:50.100 --> 00:12:52.679 them the, I like to believe that I'm like the 00:12:52.679 --> 00:12:55.820 ice queen and I give them the silent treatment 00:12:55.820 --> 00:12:59.039 for like three or four years. That's like my 00:12:59.039 --> 00:13:03.330 cooling off period. And then Like I will usually 00:13:03.330 --> 00:13:06.070 have people like reach out to me in during that 00:13:06.070 --> 00:13:08.610 time and I continue to just still be pet like 00:13:08.610 --> 00:13:10.669 pissed off and so I won't I still won't speak 00:13:10.669 --> 00:13:13.470 to them and Then after three or four years where 00:13:13.470 --> 00:13:16.169 I feel like enough time has gone by and they 00:13:16.169 --> 00:13:18.929 reach out or whatever You know that I'll make 00:13:18.929 --> 00:13:22.460 up with them I'm not usually someone that is 00:13:22.460 --> 00:13:25.240 like, oh my god, me and so -and -so aren't friends. 00:13:25.399 --> 00:13:27.879 No, I've never been that one. It's usually been 00:13:27.879 --> 00:13:30.320 the other person that's been crying and upset 00:13:30.320 --> 00:13:33.460 because I'm not their friend anymore. And then 00:13:33.460 --> 00:13:36.000 they try to come back into my orbit over and 00:13:36.000 --> 00:13:38.299 over again. I'm not trying to toot my own horn 00:13:38.299 --> 00:13:41.139 or act conceited, but that's just my experience 00:13:41.139 --> 00:13:44.860 because I can be very ice cold when I'm hurt. 00:13:46.419 --> 00:13:49.460 You know, I like to believe that I can give people 00:13:49.460 --> 00:13:52.519 the silent treatment until they die You know, 00:13:52.559 --> 00:13:55.740 and I mean, I think I've evolved over the years. 00:13:55.740 --> 00:14:01.120 I'm not quite that low vibrational anymore You 00:14:01.120 --> 00:14:04.740 know, I've been able to forgive and have a conversation 00:14:04.740 --> 00:14:08.909 with people that have you know, crossed me or, 00:14:08.909 --> 00:14:11.789 you know, hurt me in very unexpected ways. And 00:14:11.789 --> 00:14:13.789 I've been able to have an adult conversation 00:14:13.789 --> 00:14:16.169 and forgive them. And I'm not going to forget. 00:14:16.570 --> 00:14:18.730 I'm going to pay attention to how you move now 00:14:18.730 --> 00:14:22.250 and probably distance myself. But I'm, I'm no, 00:14:22.450 --> 00:14:25.289 I'm not that person. I feel like anymore where 00:14:25.289 --> 00:14:27.950 I'm like, well, we're, you know, fuck you. Like, 00:14:28.190 --> 00:14:29.789 you're going to get this on treatment from me 00:14:29.789 --> 00:14:31.970 until you die. Like, I don't feel like I'm that 00:14:31.970 --> 00:14:34.669 way. Like I have a couple, well, not a couple, 00:14:34.950 --> 00:14:38.990 I guess I have like, One friend who I'm not currently, 00:14:38.990 --> 00:14:43.309 you know talking to and I don't feel like it's 00:14:43.309 --> 00:14:45.889 the end for her and I but when we decided to 00:14:45.889 --> 00:14:48.990 part ways I had no feelings about it and I had 00:14:48.990 --> 00:14:51.529 parted ways with her around the same time that 00:14:51.529 --> 00:14:53.830 I had unexpectedly parted ways from my friend 00:14:53.830 --> 00:14:56.789 that I'm grieving and This friend I have been 00:14:56.789 --> 00:14:59.070 friends with since high school and her and I 00:14:59.070 --> 00:15:01.230 decided to go our separate ways and I felt nothing 00:15:01.800 --> 00:15:04.860 You know and then meanwhile this person who hadn't 00:15:04.860 --> 00:15:08.799 quite been in my life that long I'm still grieving 00:15:08.799 --> 00:15:12.039 their absence two years later, and they they 00:15:12.039 --> 00:15:18.379 were only in my life for less than a year But 00:15:18.379 --> 00:15:21.210 uh I don't but for me and my other friend that 00:15:21.210 --> 00:15:22.750 have been friends since high school, I don't 00:15:22.750 --> 00:15:25.049 think our book is closed. I don't think that, 00:15:25.049 --> 00:15:27.190 you know, I don't have any ill feelings towards 00:15:27.190 --> 00:15:29.769 her. I love her. I still care about her. If I 00:15:29.769 --> 00:15:32.450 ran into her tomorrow in the store, I'd probably 00:15:32.450 --> 00:15:34.149 just walk up and give her a hug and then walk 00:15:34.149 --> 00:15:37.730 off. I don't know. It depends on my mood. But 00:15:37.730 --> 00:15:41.470 like if she wanted to reach out, I would I wouldn't 00:15:41.470 --> 00:15:44.610 be like my past self and be like, Nope, we're 00:15:44.610 --> 00:15:47.559 not through the three year, you know, cooling 00:15:47.559 --> 00:15:51.919 off period yet you know like I like you know 00:15:51.919 --> 00:15:54.799 like I wish her well if we never talk again that's 00:15:54.799 --> 00:16:00.899 fine if we talk that's fine this person not fine 00:16:00.899 --> 00:16:07.500 it's so stupid but not fine but for months I 00:16:07.500 --> 00:16:10.519 just I was I thought that I was having a really 00:16:10.519 --> 00:16:17.190 hard time grieving and getting over my friendship 00:16:17.190 --> 00:16:24.149 with this person and at some time later I came 00:16:24.149 --> 00:16:28.409 to learn that the reason why I'm not allowed 00:16:28.409 --> 00:16:31.529 to move on and I guess they're not allowed to 00:16:31.529 --> 00:16:37.049 move on is because there is a soul tie there 00:16:37.049 --> 00:16:39.049 is a spiritual connection between the two of 00:16:39.049 --> 00:16:46.100 us so it doesn't matter how hard I try to let 00:16:46.100 --> 00:16:51.740 go or how hard I try to move on I can do you 00:16:51.740 --> 00:16:55.240 know detachment meditations and cutting energetic 00:16:55.240 --> 00:16:59.980 bonds meditations and energetic cords and it 00:16:59.980 --> 00:17:02.379 doesn't matter because the kind of cord that 00:17:02.379 --> 00:17:06.859 links us you can never sever it I can I can cut 00:17:06.859 --> 00:17:10.079 energy that doesn't belong to me but that's about 00:17:10.079 --> 00:17:15.619 it Was not a spiritual person at all before this 00:17:15.619 --> 00:17:18.240 person came into my life And that's kind of part 00:17:18.240 --> 00:17:20.500 of the journey is once you learn that you're 00:17:20.500 --> 00:17:24.119 on it You start to naturally gravitate towards 00:17:24.119 --> 00:17:29.019 spirituality you you start to go inward and Start 00:17:29.019 --> 00:17:31.940 working on healing your wounds your inner child 00:17:31.940 --> 00:17:34.599 wounds like they kind of push you to do that 00:17:34.599 --> 00:17:37.940 You kind of push each other to do it and that 00:17:37.940 --> 00:17:43.950 usually happens after you separate I'm not gonna 00:17:43.950 --> 00:17:49.990 go deep into it, there's Google, but this particular 00:17:49.990 --> 00:17:55.789 bond is called twin flame or twin soul and you 00:17:55.789 --> 00:17:58.589 connect with this person very strongly and they 00:17:58.589 --> 00:18:01.660 feel like home. Like, essentially, they are you, 00:18:01.720 --> 00:18:05.880 you are them. I met my soul in another vessel, 00:18:06.160 --> 00:18:08.200 and it turned my life completely upside down. 00:18:08.420 --> 00:18:11.160 And that's the point. You gravitate towards each 00:18:11.160 --> 00:18:14.960 other in every lifetime. You have the soul recognition 00:18:14.960 --> 00:18:18.000 of remembering each other from your past lives. 00:18:18.900 --> 00:18:23.200 And you have your bond for a few months or whatever. 00:18:23.740 --> 00:18:29.119 And then the energy is so intense between you. 00:18:29.180 --> 00:18:34.700 that you repel each other and then there is a 00:18:34.700 --> 00:18:41.039 runner and a chaser in the dynamic so he's not 00:18:41.039 --> 00:18:43.680 currently speaking to me he has me blocked on 00:18:43.680 --> 00:18:47.099 everything there was no argument there was no 00:18:47.099 --> 00:18:51.079 fight ever he just kind of disappeared from my 00:18:51.079 --> 00:18:56.359 life one day um and that's just kind of what 00:18:56.359 --> 00:19:01.839 the journey entails is that one person just unexpectedly 00:19:01.839 --> 00:19:06.000 walks away and the other person chases them because 00:19:06.000 --> 00:19:08.099 they don't know what the fuck just happened and 00:19:08.099 --> 00:19:10.000 they're like my favorite person just walked out 00:19:10.000 --> 00:19:14.220 of my life like I just met myself in another 00:19:14.220 --> 00:19:17.200 body and then they left and you don't know how 00:19:17.200 --> 00:19:19.519 to reconcile with it and then you go through 00:19:19.519 --> 00:19:24.359 what's called soul shock and for me it's been 00:19:25.099 --> 00:19:29.259 grieving process a very deeply painful grieving 00:19:29.259 --> 00:19:34.740 process but it's been beneficial because it because 00:19:34.740 --> 00:19:37.619 that's what that's what you do for your twin 00:19:37.619 --> 00:19:41.799 is by basically pushing them away we're not pushing 00:19:41.799 --> 00:19:48.180 them away but by going silent it forces them 00:19:48.180 --> 00:19:51.779 to stop reaching out and to stop chasing you 00:19:51.779 --> 00:19:54.960 and it forces them to go inward and focus on 00:19:54.960 --> 00:19:56.940 themselves because you were never supposed to 00:19:56.940 --> 00:20:00.000 focus on your twin. That wasn't the point of 00:20:00.000 --> 00:20:03.980 the journey. It's to focus on yourself. It's 00:20:03.980 --> 00:20:06.700 essentially the twin soul journey that's essentially 00:20:06.700 --> 00:20:10.460 a healing journey. You're supposed to be raising 00:20:10.460 --> 00:20:12.940 the frequency of the planet. And you're supposed 00:20:12.940 --> 00:20:15.500 to be going inward and healing yourself, healing 00:20:15.500 --> 00:20:18.500 your wounds, healing your inner child wounds, 00:20:18.700 --> 00:20:22.279 healing your generational wounds. Like you're 00:20:22.279 --> 00:20:24.559 just chosen to heal the wounds of your entire 00:20:24.559 --> 00:20:27.680 lineage. I can't speak for other people's journeys 00:20:27.680 --> 00:20:31.579 because each journey is individual. Some is easier 00:20:31.579 --> 00:20:34.079 than others or some separation isn't as long 00:20:34.079 --> 00:20:38.680 as others. Everybody, it's different. I do have... 00:20:38.730 --> 00:20:42.049 a couple friends in my real actual life who have 00:20:42.049 --> 00:20:45.049 also met theirs and so they're usually the only 00:20:45.049 --> 00:20:47.710 people that I talk to about it if I do talk to 00:20:47.710 --> 00:20:50.930 talk about it because they're the only ones that 00:20:50.930 --> 00:20:52.890 would understand and get it because if you haven't 00:20:52.890 --> 00:20:55.910 met if you haven't met yourself in another body 00:20:55.910 --> 00:20:58.269 if you haven't met your soul in another vessel 00:20:58.269 --> 00:21:00.650 in this lifetime this is gonna go over your head 00:21:00.650 --> 00:21:04.130 and you're not gonna get it people mislabel it 00:21:04.130 --> 00:21:07.339 they misunderstand it If it hasn't happened to 00:21:07.339 --> 00:21:09.119 you, then you're not, then you're just, you're 00:21:09.119 --> 00:21:11.079 not gonna understand it. You're not gonna understand 00:21:11.079 --> 00:21:14.539 it. And there are people that it hasn't happened 00:21:14.539 --> 00:21:17.700 to, but they're spiritual, so they, so they understand 00:21:17.700 --> 00:21:19.220 and they've heard of it, or they're familiar 00:21:19.220 --> 00:21:21.799 with it, or they've researched it. But really, 00:21:21.799 --> 00:21:23.980 I don't, I just keep it to myself. I don't really 00:21:23.980 --> 00:21:28.839 talk to anyone about it. Other than, you know, 00:21:29.019 --> 00:21:32.400 my other friends that I, that have met theirs. 00:21:33.180 --> 00:21:35.400 And I've gone through all the similar or same 00:21:35.400 --> 00:21:39.619 things that I have Or of course there are thousands 00:21:39.619 --> 00:21:43.119 of twin flame twin soul forums you can get on 00:21:43.119 --> 00:21:46.759 and then I have my friend in Australia who I 00:21:46.759 --> 00:21:51.119 connected with Who is on a very similar her journey 00:21:51.119 --> 00:21:56.099 is very similar to mine But I was not a spiritual 00:21:56.099 --> 00:21:59.059 person before this at all. I didn't know what 00:21:59.059 --> 00:22:00.480 chakras were, I didn't know what angel numbers 00:22:00.480 --> 00:22:01.900 were, I didn't know what any of that shit was. 00:22:02.420 --> 00:22:04.980 But you naturally gravitate to spirituality as 00:22:04.980 --> 00:22:07.920 well as having your own spiritual awakening and, 00:22:08.000 --> 00:22:12.240 you know, for me, I was then being visited by 00:22:12.240 --> 00:22:14.640 different stages of my inner child and they were 00:22:14.640 --> 00:22:17.859 coming to me crying and asking me all these questions 00:22:17.859 --> 00:22:19.940 like, why did our dad do this? Why did he say 00:22:19.940 --> 00:22:21.859 this? Why did he treat us that way? Why weren't 00:22:21.859 --> 00:22:24.619 we worthy of love? And I had to sit with all 00:22:24.619 --> 00:22:27.420 the different stages of my inner child. and cry 00:22:27.420 --> 00:22:30.660 with them and hold them and reaffirm that they 00:22:30.660 --> 00:22:34.259 mattered and that they're loved. And it's been 00:22:34.259 --> 00:22:37.440 an intense accelerated healing journey for me 00:22:37.440 --> 00:22:42.839 for the past two years. And I thank this person 00:22:42.839 --> 00:22:48.420 for this journey. But at the end of the day, 00:22:49.180 --> 00:22:52.640 the fact still remains. Remove the soul tie or 00:22:52.640 --> 00:22:55.839 move Remove the spiritual tie to this person 00:22:55.839 --> 00:22:57.980 out of it because for several months I didn't 00:22:57.980 --> 00:23:01.660 even know what that that was what this was I 00:23:01.660 --> 00:23:03.500 was just missing the ever -living shit out of 00:23:03.500 --> 00:23:09.779 my best friend At the end of the day and I say 00:23:09.779 --> 00:23:12.680 this to my therapist all the time at the end 00:23:12.680 --> 00:23:16.119 of the day Remove the soul tie remove the spiritual 00:23:16.119 --> 00:23:20.839 tie to this person the fact so remains Is that 00:23:20.839 --> 00:23:24.140 I just miss my fucking friend. I just miss my 00:23:24.140 --> 00:23:27.539 friend and I would give anything to have a conversation 00:23:27.539 --> 00:23:31.640 with him and know that he's doing okay and Then 00:23:31.640 --> 00:23:33.420 he doesn't have to talk to me ever again if he 00:23:33.420 --> 00:23:41.180 doesn't want to you know, but um Weird spiritual 00:23:41.180 --> 00:23:44.299 shit started happening when he Gravitated into 00:23:44.299 --> 00:23:46.819 my life that I didn't understand and I couldn't 00:23:46.819 --> 00:23:49.720 process because I didn't know shit about spirituality 00:23:51.079 --> 00:23:54.140 And one thing that I picked up on very early 00:23:54.140 --> 00:23:57.000 on is that he could feel my emotions and he could 00:23:57.000 --> 00:24:01.200 feel my energy and the shifts in my energy. And 00:24:01.200 --> 00:24:03.200 he didn't even have to be around me. He could 00:24:03.200 --> 00:24:05.680 be somewhere else and just know there was something 00:24:05.680 --> 00:24:11.119 wrong with me and would call me. Or I would just 00:24:11.119 --> 00:24:14.299 walk by him and then he would text me and be 00:24:14.299 --> 00:24:17.710 like, what's the matter? And it blew I didn't 00:24:17.710 --> 00:24:19.670 under I didn't understand it for a long time 00:24:19.670 --> 00:24:23.309 and like how the hell Does he know when I'm sad 00:24:23.309 --> 00:24:27.809 or something and he's not even around me? And 00:24:27.809 --> 00:24:31.329 then as some time went on later I was also being 00:24:31.329 --> 00:24:35.849 able to pick up on his energy and his Shifts 00:24:35.849 --> 00:24:38.230 and I didn't even have to be around him either 00:24:38.230 --> 00:24:40.869 and I could just be like your energy is so loud. 00:24:40.869 --> 00:24:44.930 What is the matter and So that was one of the 00:24:44.930 --> 00:24:48.259 first One of the first few signs the other one 00:24:48.259 --> 00:24:51.339 was feeling like I had known him forever Like 00:24:51.339 --> 00:24:56.140 like every multiverse every lifetime. I I never 00:24:56.140 --> 00:24:59.279 Didn't know him. I've always known him every 00:24:59.279 --> 00:25:02.099 multiverse every lifetime. I've never not known 00:25:02.099 --> 00:25:08.079 him that's how it felt from day one like You're 00:25:08.079 --> 00:25:11.900 me and I'm I'm you like talking to him and making 00:25:11.900 --> 00:25:13.960 eye contact with him. It was like I was looking 00:25:13.960 --> 00:25:18.359 at myself I was talking to myself it was the 00:25:18.359 --> 00:25:23.279 most in craziest experience I'd ever had in my 00:25:23.279 --> 00:25:26.039 life and I didn't know how to process or name 00:25:26.039 --> 00:25:30.819 it I didn't know what was happening um but either 00:25:30.819 --> 00:25:37.039 way like I still just miss the ever -living shit 00:25:37.039 --> 00:25:41.960 of my friend and I'm still deeply grieving and 00:25:42.029 --> 00:25:44.089 I've gotten to the point where I don't like talking 00:25:44.089 --> 00:25:45.950 to my friends about it anymore because I feel 00:25:45.950 --> 00:25:49.049 like I'm just a burden at this point. Like, you're 00:25:49.049 --> 00:25:51.829 not over this. You haven't moved on yet. You 00:25:51.829 --> 00:25:53.589 know, the only person that really still gives 00:25:53.589 --> 00:25:57.750 me space and grace to vent and release my grief 00:25:57.750 --> 00:26:01.930 of just how much I miss my friend is my awesome, 00:26:02.009 --> 00:26:04.170 amazing husband. Even though he doesn't fully 00:26:04.170 --> 00:26:08.049 understand it, he still continues to give me 00:26:08.049 --> 00:26:12.680 a safe space because he knows the end of the 00:26:12.680 --> 00:26:16.440 day that I just miss my friend and My husband 00:26:16.440 --> 00:26:19.759 knows my heart. He knows that I love to love 00:26:19.759 --> 00:26:22.059 people. He knows that I love to make connections 00:26:22.059 --> 00:26:25.680 He knows that I love to take care of people and 00:26:25.680 --> 00:26:28.380 be connected to people and I've talked about 00:26:28.380 --> 00:26:30.859 this in past episodes where he is very much the 00:26:30.859 --> 00:26:33.700 protector of my heart and he tries to warn me 00:26:33.700 --> 00:26:36.420 about people because I kind of just run out run 00:26:36.420 --> 00:26:38.559 out of the run out the door and want to love 00:26:38.559 --> 00:26:42.470 the world and then you know I come back and tell 00:26:42.470 --> 00:26:44.730 him or introduce him to these people and he's 00:26:44.730 --> 00:26:46.710 like you need to be careful or I don't really 00:26:46.710 --> 00:26:49.470 trust that person or that person's using you 00:26:49.470 --> 00:26:51.869 or that person's gonna hurt you and I always 00:26:51.869 --> 00:26:53.670 would just get mad at him like you don't know 00:26:53.670 --> 00:26:55.809 you don't know like I know these people you don't 00:26:55.809 --> 00:26:59.269 know them and time and time again he ended up 00:26:59.269 --> 00:27:02.549 being right and he never made me feel foolish 00:27:02.549 --> 00:27:05.609 about it he was never like ha ha told you he 00:27:05.609 --> 00:27:08.250 always just opened his arms to me and let me 00:27:08.250 --> 00:27:11.910 run into them and cry time and time again because 00:27:11.910 --> 00:27:16.849 I had put all my love and care and trust and 00:27:16.849 --> 00:27:19.470 wanting to take care of everybody and he would 00:27:19.470 --> 00:27:23.210 try to warn me you know and so he just he just 00:27:23.210 --> 00:27:26.210 knows and then he he heals my heart and then 00:27:26.210 --> 00:27:29.670 I run out run out the door again to go love more 00:27:29.670 --> 00:27:33.589 people so go throw my heart at more people and 00:27:33.589 --> 00:27:36.150 and I think I chalk it up to the fact that I 00:27:36.150 --> 00:27:39.470 don't have an extended family. because I made 00:27:39.470 --> 00:27:44.329 that choice to go no contact for my peace of 00:27:44.329 --> 00:27:49.130 mind for my mental health and I lost I wouldn't 00:27:49.130 --> 00:27:52.829 say I lost it's their loss not mine but I removed 00:27:52.829 --> 00:27:57.609 myself from a large large family network a very 00:27:57.609 --> 00:28:00.569 large family network and so that was a lot of 00:28:00.569 --> 00:28:07.220 seats to fill and so this person my twin My best 00:28:07.220 --> 00:28:11.140 friend came into my life around the time when 00:28:11.140 --> 00:28:15.099 I was trying to refill seats Because I had even 00:28:15.099 --> 00:28:18.240 though I went no contact for my peace for my 00:28:18.240 --> 00:28:21.640 mental health for my kids for myself for my husband 00:28:21.640 --> 00:28:24.819 Not even not even for for for them. It was for 00:28:24.819 --> 00:28:29.940 myself, but I was also protecting them. I Still 00:28:29.940 --> 00:28:34.420 had a giant void of all these people that I removed 00:28:34.420 --> 00:28:37.380 from my life. And I was like, you know what? 00:28:37.759 --> 00:28:40.440 I'm just gonna have a chosen family. I'm just 00:28:40.440 --> 00:28:44.599 gonna create my own chosen family. And so I started 00:28:44.599 --> 00:28:49.339 handpicking people around that time to fill all 00:28:49.339 --> 00:28:53.900 these empty seats because I'm an Enneagram number 00:28:53.900 --> 00:28:57.119 two. I'm a giver. That's my personality type. 00:28:57.500 --> 00:28:59.920 And I just want to give and take care of people 00:28:59.920 --> 00:29:03.859 and love, love, love, love, love. And I was trying 00:29:03.859 --> 00:29:07.119 to create a chosen family, a chosen extended 00:29:07.119 --> 00:29:10.720 family because even though my husband and my 00:29:10.720 --> 00:29:14.460 girls are enough, I'm used to coming from a giant 00:29:14.460 --> 00:29:17.660 family unit. And I just wanted to replace all 00:29:17.660 --> 00:29:20.079 those people, I think. So I didn't have to feel 00:29:20.079 --> 00:29:24.710 the pain. And so I think I was also forcing this 00:29:24.710 --> 00:29:27.890 person in a spot that they never actually signed 00:29:27.890 --> 00:29:35.410 up to be in. So I don't know. And he kind of 00:29:35.410 --> 00:29:40.529 just got swept up in me trying to curate a chosen 00:29:40.529 --> 00:29:44.750 family and make him a family member without even 00:29:44.750 --> 00:29:48.400 asking if he was fine with it, you know? And 00:29:48.400 --> 00:29:50.220 a lot of people were fine with it, and a lot 00:29:50.220 --> 00:29:52.420 of people did stay, and they are still in my 00:29:52.420 --> 00:29:54.779 life. And some people, they ended up just being 00:29:54.779 --> 00:29:59.200 more temporary people. But this person is not 00:29:59.200 --> 00:30:09.440 temporary. And, um... I've tried. I've tried, 00:30:09.720 --> 00:30:13.250 because my therapist is still just... has been 00:30:13.250 --> 00:30:16.190 working so hard with me because i wanted nothing 00:30:16.190 --> 00:30:19.970 more these past two years than to move on and 00:30:19.970 --> 00:30:24.750 because i met myself in another body and then 00:30:24.750 --> 00:30:28.369 that person left and it was like they took me 00:30:28.369 --> 00:30:32.069 with them so i essentially lost myself and i 00:30:32.069 --> 00:30:34.730 lost my spark and i've been fighting for the 00:30:34.730 --> 00:30:38.710 past two years to get it back and i've tried 00:30:38.710 --> 00:30:42.160 everything to move on Everything because like 00:30:42.160 --> 00:30:45.380 I said, I've had friendships and I've had people 00:30:45.380 --> 00:30:47.839 abruptly walk out of my life I'm the poster child 00:30:47.839 --> 00:30:50.180 for abandonment. I know how to say bye to people. 00:30:50.180 --> 00:30:56.460 I know how to slam doors and I tried and it was 00:30:56.460 --> 00:30:59.980 like the more I tried To me it felt like the 00:30:59.980 --> 00:31:02.299 universe was punishing me like no, no, no, you 00:31:02.299 --> 00:31:05.019 don't get to forget this person This is a spiritual 00:31:05.019 --> 00:31:07.240 connection and you can never sever it. You can 00:31:07.240 --> 00:31:11.470 never you can never Forget it. And so the kind 00:31:11.470 --> 00:31:13.630 of things that would happen and still happen 00:31:13.630 --> 00:31:17.670 to this day is Synchronizations will constantly 00:31:17.670 --> 00:31:22.289 bombard my life Things that are in common with 00:31:22.289 --> 00:31:27.009 me in this person Places things we've talked 00:31:27.009 --> 00:31:32.549 about places we went Just something in common 00:31:32.549 --> 00:31:36.700 that is in relation to the two of us Will see 00:31:36.700 --> 00:31:39.259 his name everywhere. I will hear it everywhere. 00:31:39.259 --> 00:31:43.279 I will see it everywhere significant numbers 00:31:43.279 --> 00:31:46.400 Significant angel numbers that are in relation 00:31:46.400 --> 00:31:49.279 to our connection. I'll see them everywhere whether 00:31:49.279 --> 00:31:54.420 it's his birthday or 11 11 or 111 It'll show 00:31:54.420 --> 00:31:56.619 up everywhere. And again, these were things that 00:31:56.619 --> 00:31:59.099 I wasn't aware of I didn't know what angel numbers 00:31:59.099 --> 00:32:05.769 were any of this stuff but as I started to Try 00:32:05.769 --> 00:32:08.230 my hardest to forget and then it felt like the 00:32:08.230 --> 00:32:11.569 universe kept knocking me down I even and I was 00:32:11.569 --> 00:32:13.390 googling trying to figure out what's wrong with 00:32:13.390 --> 00:32:16.210 me Why am I you know still grieving this person? 00:32:16.309 --> 00:32:19.849 Why can't I move on and? The answer just revealed 00:32:19.849 --> 00:32:22.690 itself to me one day and I was like, okay this 00:32:22.690 --> 00:32:24.789 this is this is what I've been going This is 00:32:24.789 --> 00:32:30.410 exactly what I've been going through Other ways 00:32:30.410 --> 00:32:35.450 the universe will keep me from moving on is They'll 00:32:35.450 --> 00:32:37.750 show up in all my dreams. They don't even have 00:32:37.750 --> 00:32:40.089 to be the main focus of the dream, but they will 00:32:40.089 --> 00:32:42.670 be in the background of every single dream. I 00:32:42.670 --> 00:32:44.369 could be having a dream that I'm being chased 00:32:44.369 --> 00:32:47.150 by monsters and they're hanging out in the background. 00:32:47.349 --> 00:32:51.430 I could have a nice pleasant dream about mermaids 00:32:51.430 --> 00:32:53.529 or something and they're hanging in the background 00:32:53.529 --> 00:33:00.569 of every single dream. Every single dream. They're 00:33:00.569 --> 00:33:04.319 on, they're in my head. 24 -7. It's like a hum 00:33:04.319 --> 00:33:07.039 that sits in the back of my mind. The most I've 00:33:07.039 --> 00:33:09.819 been able to go is maybe 12 hours without them 00:33:09.819 --> 00:33:13.480 not being at the forefront of my thoughts because 00:33:13.480 --> 00:33:18.599 I'm busy at work or something. I can't go 24 00:33:18.599 --> 00:33:23.380 hours without a break. It literally feels like 00:33:23.380 --> 00:33:25.859 they are haunting me. That's what it feels like. 00:33:26.660 --> 00:33:31.029 And I can't escape them. The more that I try 00:33:31.029 --> 00:33:33.710 the more I'm bombarded with reminders of them 00:33:33.710 --> 00:33:35.990 everywhere or I run into people that we both 00:33:35.990 --> 00:33:39.029 used to be friends with or or somebody he introduced 00:33:39.029 --> 00:33:45.369 me to or or something, you know and Yeah, and 00:33:45.369 --> 00:33:50.089 it just it just makes it it just So then I'm 00:33:50.089 --> 00:33:53.009 just stuck in this perpetual state of grief Not 00:33:53.009 --> 00:33:55.490 to mention that I can still feel their energy 00:33:55.490 --> 00:34:00.980 and still feel their mood shifts After two years 00:34:00.980 --> 00:34:08.119 so I can feel His sadness his his pain his anger 00:34:08.119 --> 00:34:10.900 I can feel all of that and so when that hits 00:34:10.900 --> 00:34:18.360 my energetic field It's awful I can't explain 00:34:18.360 --> 00:34:20.340 to you what it feels like to be able to feel 00:34:20.340 --> 00:34:23.099 emotions that don't belong to you, to feel energy 00:34:23.099 --> 00:34:26.139 that doesn't belong to you. And I wouldn't have 00:34:26.139 --> 00:34:29.059 believed it myself if I wasn't able to feel it 00:34:29.059 --> 00:34:31.639 when we were still in each other's everyday life. 00:34:32.940 --> 00:34:35.800 It's exhausting, especially if you're feeling 00:34:35.800 --> 00:34:38.360 really good and then all of a sudden their sad 00:34:38.360 --> 00:34:42.760 energy hits your field and you're doing everything 00:34:42.760 --> 00:34:44.840 you can to fight it off and continue to have 00:34:44.840 --> 00:34:48.239 a good day. but it can feel like you're drowning 00:34:48.239 --> 00:34:54.699 in energy that doesn't belong to you. So yeah, 00:34:54.699 --> 00:34:59.780 I have tried everything. I don't even want closure 00:34:59.780 --> 00:35:02.780 anymore. I've accepted that that'll never happen. 00:35:03.260 --> 00:35:09.800 All I've accepted, I've already tried. So, I 00:35:09.800 --> 00:35:18.760 don't know. But most days, It's simply that I 00:35:18.760 --> 00:35:24.059 am the most sad on most days Because I just simply 00:35:24.059 --> 00:35:29.460 miss my friend That's it so And then it doesn't 00:35:29.460 --> 00:35:32.039 help when I'm affected by mercury retrogrades 00:35:32.039 --> 00:35:35.780 or Saturn retrogrades all things that I didn't 00:35:35.780 --> 00:35:40.260 know before and Then those make it that much 00:35:40.260 --> 00:35:47.260 worse, but yeah, so But like I said, there are 00:35:47.260 --> 00:35:54.000 benefits to meeting your soul twin. Because it 00:35:54.000 --> 00:35:57.139 forces you to heal and it forces you to raise 00:35:57.139 --> 00:35:59.940 your own vibrations and focus on yourself and 00:35:59.940 --> 00:36:03.460 work on yourself and Heal your own wounds and 00:36:03.460 --> 00:36:05.780 all that stuff because you're essentially a mirror 00:36:05.780 --> 00:36:08.099 for each other You're essentially a mirror and 00:36:08.099 --> 00:36:11.059 that's why you start to repel one another and 00:36:11.059 --> 00:36:13.659 you and you just run away from the other one 00:36:13.659 --> 00:36:16.820 Because you're holding up a mirror and showing 00:36:16.820 --> 00:36:18.840 them all their wounds and stuff that they need 00:36:18.840 --> 00:36:21.929 to heal and if they're not ready to heal that 00:36:21.929 --> 00:36:24.849 shit scares the living fuck out of them and triggers 00:36:24.849 --> 00:36:28.989 the fuck out of them so they run and then the 00:36:28.989 --> 00:36:31.690 other twin doesn't know why their twin is suddenly 00:36:31.690 --> 00:36:34.110 running and so then they chase them which just 00:36:34.110 --> 00:36:37.789 then makes the twin run even farther and so the 00:36:37.789 --> 00:36:40.789 point of the journey is to go inward and focus 00:36:40.789 --> 00:36:44.190 on yourself and heal yourself and heal your own 00:36:44.190 --> 00:36:47.429 wounds and then your twin will mirror that healing 00:36:47.429 --> 00:36:54.690 so yeah but I explained more than I even wanted 00:36:54.690 --> 00:36:58.550 to because this is a very very sore topic for 00:36:58.550 --> 00:37:01.969 me and like I said if you're not spiritual or 00:37:01.969 --> 00:37:04.389 this has never happened to you if you have not 00:37:04.389 --> 00:37:07.210 met your soul twin in this lifetime this is gonna 00:37:07.210 --> 00:37:09.289 go over your head and you're not gonna understand 00:37:09.289 --> 00:37:13.889 it So I keep this very close to the chest. I 00:37:13.889 --> 00:37:16.369 don't like talking about it, but some days are 00:37:16.369 --> 00:37:19.510 just harder than others and I'm trying to do 00:37:19.510 --> 00:37:21.650 this thing called healing out loud because suffering 00:37:21.650 --> 00:37:24.949 in silence for the last two years Had me near 00:37:24.949 --> 00:37:29.550 pretty much put a gun to my head. So Yeah, I 00:37:29.550 --> 00:37:31.590 said, you know what let's let's give healing 00:37:31.590 --> 00:37:35.699 out loud a try So either what I have to say will 00:37:35.699 --> 00:37:38.000 resonate or won't or you'll go it'll go over 00:37:38.000 --> 00:37:41.039 your head Or you won't understand it at all mislabel 00:37:41.039 --> 00:37:43.420 it whatever. I don't care. I know what journey 00:37:43.420 --> 00:37:48.059 I'm on So I don't need validation from anybody 00:37:48.059 --> 00:37:52.500 you know If this journey does make you feel like 00:37:52.500 --> 00:37:55.820 you're losing your fucking mind it does But at 00:37:55.820 --> 00:37:58.820 some point you do start to accept it, but there 00:37:58.820 --> 00:38:00.820 are still days where you do still feel like you're 00:38:00.820 --> 00:38:04.030 losing your fucking mind That's a common thing 00:38:04.030 --> 00:38:07.929 in in this kind of journey as well and spiritual 00:38:07.929 --> 00:38:10.590 awakenings will do that to you also Make you 00:38:10.590 --> 00:38:12.710 feel like you're losing your fucking mind. So 00:38:12.710 --> 00:38:16.949 but this is just one of my harder days where 00:38:16.949 --> 00:38:20.590 I'm just grieving very heavy and I just miss 00:38:20.590 --> 00:38:23.630 him very much and It sucked having to walk by 00:38:23.630 --> 00:38:26.110 him in Walmart last week and act like it wasn't 00:38:26.110 --> 00:38:29.960 killing me. So And when I have those kind of 00:38:29.960 --> 00:38:33.860 interactions, I'm usually very fucked up for 00:38:33.860 --> 00:38:36.199 the next three days and just do nothing but cry. 00:38:36.519 --> 00:38:38.579 And then I can feel his sad emotions as well, 00:38:38.579 --> 00:38:41.340 and then I'm also crying for him. So that's another 00:38:41.340 --> 00:38:43.900 thing that I have learned, that I am the conduit 00:38:43.900 --> 00:38:48.500 between our two energies. He releases, and I 00:38:48.500 --> 00:38:50.480 release, and then I have to release for the both 00:38:50.480 --> 00:38:53.800 of us. Or he internalizes his pain, transfers 00:38:53.800 --> 00:38:56.519 it to me, and then I release it for both of us. 00:38:56.579 --> 00:38:59.829 So that's fun. so that's why I cry all the fucking 00:38:59.829 --> 00:39:03.230 time when I'm not actually a crier but because 00:39:03.230 --> 00:39:05.610 I'm releasing for the both of us I cry all the 00:39:05.610 --> 00:39:08.050 fucking time all the fucking time pretty much 00:39:08.050 --> 00:39:16.070 every day pretty much every day so but yeah I 00:39:16.070 --> 00:39:21.909 don't know but I don't know I just I just miss 00:39:21.909 --> 00:39:26.570 my friend maybe one day we'll have a conversation 00:39:26.570 --> 00:39:32.050 maybe we won't but the fact remains one of my 00:39:32.050 --> 00:39:34.170 favorite favorite most favorite people turned 00:39:34.170 --> 00:39:37.210 into one of my most biggest life -changing turning 00:39:37.210 --> 00:39:43.750 my motherfucking life upside down lessons so 00:39:43.750 --> 00:39:49.050 important but painful because healing especially 00:39:49.050 --> 00:39:51.449 when you're being dragged by your hair to heal 00:39:51.449 --> 00:39:55.170 an accelerated rate very fucking painful I was 00:39:55.170 --> 00:39:57.409 already trying to heal but I was going at my 00:39:57.409 --> 00:40:00.289 pace and then he gravitated towards me and the 00:40:00.289 --> 00:40:02.969 universe was like nah you're gonna heal really 00:40:02.969 --> 00:40:05.730 super fucking fast because this is necessary 00:40:05.730 --> 00:40:08.570 for your mission on this planet is you're gonna 00:40:08.570 --> 00:40:11.230 heal your shit really fucking fast so you can 00:40:11.230 --> 00:40:12.929 get to whatever you're supposed to be doing on 00:40:12.929 --> 00:40:17.030 this planet which I'm not quite sure you're you're 00:40:17.030 --> 00:40:19.849 supposed to raise the vibration of the planet 00:40:19.849 --> 00:40:24.400 with your twin but um that only comes after they've 00:40:24.400 --> 00:40:30.260 also done their healing so and Some twins don't 00:40:30.260 --> 00:40:33.000 even reach that point in in that lifetime. They 00:40:33.000 --> 00:40:36.900 may have to wait the next lifetime so But either 00:40:36.900 --> 00:40:41.170 way They aren't the focus Yourself is the focus 00:40:41.170 --> 00:40:44.110 and reaching inner union with your highest self 00:40:44.110 --> 00:40:48.269 and healing and raising your frequency and becoming 00:40:48.269 --> 00:40:50.809 more aligned with your purpose and the universe 00:40:50.809 --> 00:40:54.190 and then you know things in the news and all 00:40:54.190 --> 00:40:58.139 that stuff becomes very just You're unplugged 00:40:58.139 --> 00:41:01.039 from the matrix and you know that all this stuff 00:41:01.039 --> 00:41:03.000 is temporary and all the things that people are 00:41:03.000 --> 00:41:04.940 arguing and screaming about and yelling about 00:41:04.940 --> 00:41:07.619 and Being divisive about it's all temporary. 00:41:07.639 --> 00:41:13.239 It's all a simulation and you just learn to relinquish 00:41:13.239 --> 00:41:17.139 relinquish control and Not give a shit about 00:41:17.139 --> 00:41:19.500 all the stuff that people are whining about not 00:41:19.500 --> 00:41:21.780 that those things aren't important But you are 00:41:21.780 --> 00:41:24.039 just not putting all your energy into that stuff 00:41:24.039 --> 00:41:27.820 anymore. You're being more Having more discernment 00:41:27.820 --> 00:41:30.059 about where your energy is going and it's not 00:41:30.059 --> 00:41:34.360 gonna go to arguing with fucking other people 00:41:34.360 --> 00:41:38.820 on the internet, you know and You're you know, 00:41:38.820 --> 00:41:42.079 you're connecting with the earth and the planet 00:41:42.079 --> 00:41:45.039 like I used to be a person where if there was 00:41:45.039 --> 00:41:48.340 a spider I would kill it like oh gross. I don't 00:41:48.340 --> 00:41:51.469 do that anymore I cry if I accidentally kill 00:41:51.469 --> 00:41:55.230 a spider now. All living things matter very much 00:41:55.230 --> 00:41:58.610 to me. I don't care how small or disgusting looking 00:41:58.610 --> 00:42:02.590 they may appear. To me, everything has a purpose. 00:42:02.989 --> 00:42:05.809 Everything is here for a reason, and who are 00:42:05.809 --> 00:42:09.070 we to kill another living thing? I don't care 00:42:09.070 --> 00:42:13.010 how small it is. Even if a bee gets near me, 00:42:13.030 --> 00:42:15.269 I don't take it personally anymore. I'm just 00:42:15.269 --> 00:42:20.260 like, uh -huh, yep, how you doing? um everything 00:42:20.260 --> 00:42:25.280 is different everything is different um but it's 00:42:25.280 --> 00:42:29.119 still all fucking painful and like i said soul 00:42:29.119 --> 00:42:34.480 tie spiritual tie remove it remove it and i still 00:42:34.480 --> 00:42:39.929 dismiss my friend immensely but anyways Moving 00:42:39.929 --> 00:42:42.989 on I am proud of myself for sharing this much 00:42:42.989 --> 00:42:44.329 with a bunch of people that probably don't even 00:42:44.329 --> 00:42:46.449 know what the fuck I'm talking about But this 00:42:46.449 --> 00:42:49.670 is my podcast. So, you know, whatever the people 00:42:49.670 --> 00:42:52.010 closest to me the people who understand me the 00:42:52.010 --> 00:42:55.269 most they know what I'm going through and they 00:42:55.269 --> 00:42:58.909 understand and they don't mislabel it and You 00:42:58.909 --> 00:43:01.369 know, they show up for me in the ways that I 00:43:01.369 --> 00:43:03.329 need but most of the time I don't even like talking 00:43:03.329 --> 00:43:06.809 about it with anybody. This is a very very sore 00:43:06.809 --> 00:43:11.269 painful topic And I don't I don't like having 00:43:11.269 --> 00:43:14.630 to over explain myself because people don't understand 00:43:14.630 --> 00:43:17.449 When I know that there's a whole giant collective 00:43:17.449 --> 00:43:19.329 of people that do because they're going through 00:43:19.329 --> 00:43:25.070 the exact same thing But I'm trying to heal out 00:43:25.070 --> 00:43:28.150 loud. I'm trying to be more transparent With 00:43:28.150 --> 00:43:31.010 my with with expressing my pain because I know 00:43:31.010 --> 00:43:33.190 it'll resonate with somebody and somebody will 00:43:33.190 --> 00:43:35.309 get it Somebody will understand somebody will 00:43:35.309 --> 00:43:40.300 need to hear it. So I mean even if it just relates 00:43:40.300 --> 00:43:42.400 to you in the fact that you have also gone through 00:43:42.400 --> 00:43:46.079 a friendship loss and You're grieving somebody 00:43:46.079 --> 00:43:49.099 that was very close to you then it can resonate 00:43:49.099 --> 00:43:55.400 on that front you know, but I Essentially met 00:43:55.400 --> 00:44:00.539 myself and then I lost myself. So I've been grieving 00:44:00.539 --> 00:44:08.869 I've been grieving that loss so I have my good 00:44:08.869 --> 00:44:12.110 days and I have my bad days. But this is the 00:44:12.110 --> 00:44:14.210 most pain and the most sad and the most I've 00:44:14.210 --> 00:44:17.090 cried in my entire life these past two years. 00:44:17.389 --> 00:44:19.750 And I've never experienced grief like this in 00:44:19.750 --> 00:44:22.150 my entire life. And I've lost my mom. I've lost 00:44:22.150 --> 00:44:26.329 my best friend, Kobe. I have friends where I 00:44:26.329 --> 00:44:28.150 don't even know where they are. I'm not even 00:44:28.150 --> 00:44:30.130 sure if they're still alive to this day because 00:44:30.130 --> 00:44:33.409 they're so lost to the world. And I basically 00:44:33.409 --> 00:44:35.750 have had to grieve them even though I'm not sure 00:44:35.750 --> 00:44:39.750 if they're still alive or not. But to death, 00:44:39.789 --> 00:44:41.909 I've lost my mom. I've lost my best friend, Kobe. 00:44:42.150 --> 00:44:44.769 I lost my friend Kendra. I've lost my grandparents. 00:44:45.250 --> 00:44:48.030 So I know what that kind of grief feels like. 00:44:48.130 --> 00:44:53.150 And this is so much, so much more deeper and 00:44:53.150 --> 00:44:59.230 more painful. But anyways, moving on. What I 00:44:59.230 --> 00:45:02.909 wanted to talk about in this episode, I guess. 00:45:03.849 --> 00:45:06.389 I mean, I was actually gonna... maybe do two 00:45:06.389 --> 00:45:09.030 topics in one but i kind of already already covered 00:45:09.030 --> 00:45:13.510 one uh well not really um one was let go or get 00:45:13.510 --> 00:45:17.510 get your head it's a mantra a mantra that i say 00:45:17.510 --> 00:45:19.829 to myself every day let go let go let go let 00:45:19.829 --> 00:45:23.630 go let go not working not not not working so 00:45:23.630 --> 00:45:28.969 well but that's my fault because this type of 00:45:28.969 --> 00:45:34.789 connection it won't let you let go you know so 00:45:34.989 --> 00:45:37.570 But you do have to get to a place of acceptance 00:45:37.570 --> 00:45:40.949 for what it is. But anyways, um You know what? 00:45:40.949 --> 00:45:42.389 I don't even want to talk about letting go or 00:45:42.389 --> 00:45:46.590 getting dragged because I can't I am unable to 00:45:46.590 --> 00:45:50.650 So maybe in another episode because there are 00:45:50.650 --> 00:45:54.650 some things that are best to let go of like I 00:45:54.650 --> 00:45:58.750 I let go of the need for closure With my friendship 00:45:58.750 --> 00:46:01.929 because I knew that he was never gonna give me 00:46:01.929 --> 00:46:04.889 that So I let go of that because I didn't want 00:46:04.889 --> 00:46:09.170 to continue to be dragged for wanting closure 00:46:09.170 --> 00:46:16.289 But whatever I Don't know we'll go in depth in 00:46:16.289 --> 00:46:18.989 another episode on letting go letting go and 00:46:18.989 --> 00:46:21.489 in or get dragged because there's lots of things 00:46:21.489 --> 00:46:23.789 that it could be letting go of a job letting 00:46:23.789 --> 00:46:25.849 go over a friendship letting go of a relationship 00:46:25.849 --> 00:46:31.469 letting go of a loss of a family member I wouldn't 00:46:31.469 --> 00:46:35.849 say that but um I don't know like letting go 00:46:35.849 --> 00:46:40.050 of a dream or aspiration or something there's 00:46:40.050 --> 00:46:42.949 there's lots of things that people grieve and 00:46:42.949 --> 00:46:45.449 are having a hard time letting go of and if you 00:46:45.449 --> 00:46:47.090 don't let go of it you're just it's just gonna 00:46:47.090 --> 00:46:52.389 drag you which essentially I guess is how I feel 00:46:52.389 --> 00:46:55.550 but I've tried everything to let go and the universe 00:46:55.550 --> 00:47:01.079 won't let me um so it's it's a little different 00:47:01.079 --> 00:47:02.940 it literally feels like this person is haunting 00:47:02.940 --> 00:47:04.980 me that's the best way i know i know how to describe 00:47:04.980 --> 00:47:08.500 is it feels like they're haunting me um i feel 00:47:08.500 --> 00:47:11.679 them everywhere but they're nowhere so their 00:47:11.679 --> 00:47:15.780 doppelgangers are everywhere but um as much as 00:47:15.780 --> 00:47:20.380 i try to forget as hard as i try i'm not allowed 00:47:20.380 --> 00:47:25.179 to but anyways um the other topic since i'll 00:47:25.179 --> 00:47:27.039 we'll do something i'll let go get dragged later 00:47:27.039 --> 00:47:30.440 i'm not in like the right emotional and mental 00:47:30.440 --> 00:47:33.579 headspace to even do that right now um was i 00:47:33.579 --> 00:47:40.239 was thinking about spouses and how um we need 00:47:40.239 --> 00:47:47.559 to make it um uh make it what's the word what 00:47:47.559 --> 00:47:52.800 am i trying to say um be be comfortable with 00:47:52.800 --> 00:47:58.920 uh like uh make it a thing that it's just a natural 00:47:58.920 --> 00:48:04.079 organic um that it's okay make it okay for spouses 00:48:04.079 --> 00:48:09.320 to heal at different rates um and i can speak 00:48:09.320 --> 00:48:13.179 from experience about this because when i started 00:48:13.179 --> 00:48:16.880 way before my twin navigated towards me in this 00:48:16.880 --> 00:48:21.179 lifetime way before that I had started. My healing 00:48:21.179 --> 00:48:24.639 journey at my own pace and I started doing things 00:48:24.639 --> 00:48:27.239 like, you know listening to mindful podcasts 00:48:27.239 --> 00:48:30.840 like Jay Shetty's on purpose podcast and and 00:48:30.840 --> 00:48:33.860 I started reading types of books on my healing 00:48:33.860 --> 00:48:36.719 and stuff like that and I was trying to to shift, 00:48:37.260 --> 00:48:41.300 you know into mindfulness and And I mean this 00:48:41.300 --> 00:48:42.840 was like around the time I'd went no content 00:48:42.840 --> 00:48:45.059 with my whole family. So I was really really 00:48:45.059 --> 00:48:48.300 about Healing like wounds and stuff like that 00:48:48.300 --> 00:48:50.559 around that time and that's probably why my twin 00:48:50.559 --> 00:48:54.199 had navigated into my life when he did, because 00:48:54.199 --> 00:48:57.800 I was starting to heal, and I was already starting 00:48:57.800 --> 00:49:01.360 to raise my vibration, which then made it possible 00:49:01.360 --> 00:49:03.519 for him to come forward, even though I knew he 00:49:03.519 --> 00:49:06.219 was always going to come into my life. I don't 00:49:06.219 --> 00:49:12.519 know how I knew, but I just knew. Yeah, it's 00:49:12.519 --> 00:49:15.900 hard to explain, but ever since I was in sixth 00:49:15.900 --> 00:49:19.389 grade, that's the earliest I can remember, Every 00:49:19.389 --> 00:49:22.469 Wednesday, I don't know why, but every Wednesday 00:49:22.469 --> 00:49:25.409 I would wake up with this deep ache in my chest 00:49:25.409 --> 00:49:30.829 and I would just feel so, so sad. And it was 00:49:30.829 --> 00:49:32.690 like, I didn't know it at the time, but it felt 00:49:32.690 --> 00:49:35.449 like my soul was hurting. And it felt like I 00:49:35.449 --> 00:49:38.769 was missing and longing somebody, but I didn't 00:49:38.769 --> 00:49:41.250 know who that pain belonged to. And I didn't 00:49:41.250 --> 00:49:43.389 know why it happened every fucking Wednesday 00:49:43.389 --> 00:49:47.739 either. It was from sixth grade. On every fucking 00:49:47.739 --> 00:49:49.820 Wednesday and I got to the point where I would 00:49:49.820 --> 00:49:52.739 start to mentally prepare Because I knew when 00:49:52.739 --> 00:49:55.380 I woke up Wednesday morning I was going to feel 00:49:55.380 --> 00:49:58.039 this deep ache from the time I woke up to the 00:49:58.039 --> 00:50:00.239 time I went to bed and I remember I used to go 00:50:00.239 --> 00:50:02.500 down the list of the people in my life trying 00:50:02.500 --> 00:50:04.780 to figure out who this pain was attached to who 00:50:04.780 --> 00:50:08.059 was I missing and It didn't fit anybody even 00:50:08.059 --> 00:50:11.260 after my mom passed away And I had told her about 00:50:11.260 --> 00:50:13.500 this pain that I would experience weekly and 00:50:13.500 --> 00:50:16.760 how Wednesdays were just dubbed my bad days because 00:50:16.760 --> 00:50:19.780 of this. And she had told me, you know, shift 00:50:19.780 --> 00:50:23.519 my mindset, try to think of Wednesdays as a wonderful 00:50:23.519 --> 00:50:25.920 day. Get up in the morning and say Wednesdays 00:50:25.920 --> 00:50:28.599 are going to be wonderful. And then a couple 00:50:28.599 --> 00:50:31.159 like maybe a year or so later, my mom ended up 00:50:31.159 --> 00:50:34.960 dying on a Wednesday. So that was weird. And 00:50:34.960 --> 00:50:37.119 then I also had a voice telling me the month 00:50:37.119 --> 00:50:39.679 before she had passed away that she was going 00:50:39.679 --> 00:50:43.780 to die. And then I had a nightmare, a horrible 00:50:43.780 --> 00:50:46.940 nightmare around the time that she was dying 00:50:46.940 --> 00:50:50.840 in the fire. And I will never forget this this 00:50:50.840 --> 00:50:55.019 dream ever, ever, ever, ever. But anyways, and 00:50:55.019 --> 00:50:58.239 I started to kind of have like premonitions around 00:50:58.239 --> 00:51:02.340 this time, too. But. Learning things before they 00:51:02.340 --> 00:51:05.440 happen scared the shit out of me. So I suppressed 00:51:05.440 --> 00:51:10.340 it. I didn't want to know so anyways every Wednesday 00:51:10.340 --> 00:51:13.219 Longing missing somebody feeling but don't know 00:51:13.219 --> 00:51:15.840 who that feeling is attached to After my mom 00:51:15.840 --> 00:51:17.980 died. I thought maybe this feeling is attached 00:51:17.980 --> 00:51:23.860 to my mother. It was not Cue my twin entering 00:51:23.860 --> 00:51:30.869 my life And it took me a couple weeks couple 00:51:30.869 --> 00:51:36.230 months to realize it but when I did it was like 00:51:36.230 --> 00:51:41.389 a very weird moment for me but a few months after 00:51:41.389 --> 00:51:45.750 they had entered my life it hit me one day that 00:51:45.750 --> 00:51:50.610 I was no longer having that painful longing missing 00:51:50.610 --> 00:51:54.070 Wednesday feeling like I'm missing somebody it 00:51:54.070 --> 00:51:57.530 went away the moment they walked into my life 00:51:57.530 --> 00:52:00.710 and so That's what I mean when I say that I always 00:52:00.710 --> 00:52:02.750 knew they were going to gravitate towards me, 00:52:02.750 --> 00:52:05.369 but I didn't know that they were going to. I 00:52:05.369 --> 00:52:08.389 didn't know what it meant. And so I was no longer 00:52:08.389 --> 00:52:11.989 experiencing that missing longing, somebody's 00:52:11.989 --> 00:52:16.829 deep ache filling. And then when he walked out 00:52:16.829 --> 00:52:20.989 of my life abruptly, no argument, no fight, no, 00:52:20.989 --> 00:52:25.250 no, no disagreement. You know, last time I saw 00:52:25.250 --> 00:52:30.769 him, we were cool and he's, you know, We hung 00:52:30.769 --> 00:52:34.650 out, chopped it up for a little bit. I said, 00:52:34.690 --> 00:52:36.550 is everything okay? Because you've been acting 00:52:36.550 --> 00:52:38.570 a little weird. And he said, no, everything's 00:52:38.570 --> 00:52:40.469 fine. I've just been busy. You know, of course, 00:52:40.469 --> 00:52:44.210 we're still friends. Everything seemed fine. 00:52:44.809 --> 00:52:49.469 And then all of a sudden, he's gone. And then 00:52:49.469 --> 00:52:54.530 that's when the deep familiar ache, missing pain, 00:52:54.789 --> 00:52:58.480 longing, feeling returned. That I had known since 00:52:58.480 --> 00:53:01.820 I was in sixth grade except the difference was 00:53:01.820 --> 00:53:06.420 that that pain is now every single day Every 00:53:06.420 --> 00:53:08.920 single day and it's been every single day for 00:53:08.920 --> 00:53:16.039 the past two years So That was another weird 00:53:16.039 --> 00:53:23.239 spiritual thing when I realized So but I think 00:53:23.239 --> 00:53:25.699 around the time he gravitated into my life I 00:53:25.699 --> 00:53:29.300 was Starting to heal so I was raising my frequency. 00:53:29.599 --> 00:53:36.539 But anyways so I was starting to heal and Trying 00:53:36.539 --> 00:53:39.960 to introduce tiger to all all this stuff and 00:53:39.960 --> 00:53:43.000 he was just not interested like Tiger there's 00:53:43.000 --> 00:53:45.500 a lot of healing that he needs to do He has a 00:53:45.500 --> 00:53:48.500 lot of childhood trauma and he talked about some 00:53:48.500 --> 00:53:52.889 of it in the last episode You know his dad committed 00:53:52.889 --> 00:53:55.670 suicide when he was six. There was a lot of abuse 00:53:55.670 --> 00:53:59.809 growing up and You you can't force people to 00:53:59.809 --> 00:54:01.949 heal when they're not ready I mean unless you're 00:54:01.949 --> 00:54:04.309 pulled by your hair by the universe to go on 00:54:04.309 --> 00:54:07.530 a spiritual journey and heal heal yourself quickly 00:54:07.530 --> 00:54:11.429 But if you're just with a person and you're like, 00:54:11.449 --> 00:54:14.190 okay, I'm healing now. You need to heal that's 00:54:14.190 --> 00:54:16.849 not how it works and it created a lot of conflict 00:54:16.849 --> 00:54:20.769 in me and tiger's marriage because I was raising 00:54:20.769 --> 00:54:24.300 my... Um, vibrations, I was raising my frequency. 00:54:24.539 --> 00:54:27.840 I was becoming more aligned with my purpose and 00:54:27.840 --> 00:54:31.059 I was reading all these like mindfulness healing 00:54:31.059 --> 00:54:34.260 books and, and, and just being, trying to be 00:54:34.260 --> 00:54:37.260 softer, trying to be kinder, more understanding, 00:54:37.460 --> 00:54:40.820 more, more empathetic than I already was. And 00:54:40.820 --> 00:54:44.019 just certain things that I entertained before 00:54:44.019 --> 00:54:46.840 I no longer entertained people that I used to 00:54:46.840 --> 00:54:48.800 hang around and resonate with. They no longer 00:54:48.800 --> 00:54:53.889 resonated with me. I was just. so much like mindless 00:54:53.889 --> 00:54:56.869 conversation or people discussing other people 00:54:56.869 --> 00:55:00.130 it was it was very low vibrational to me and 00:55:00.130 --> 00:55:02.789 I just couldn't be around it it irritated my 00:55:02.789 --> 00:55:04.889 inner like it just didn't vibe with my energy 00:55:04.889 --> 00:55:09.889 at all and so I shifted and changed the environments 00:55:09.889 --> 00:55:11.929 I was in and the people I was around and the 00:55:11.929 --> 00:55:14.789 conversations I engaged in. I didn't care about 00:55:14.789 --> 00:55:17.949 politics and arguing with people online and just 00:55:17.949 --> 00:55:21.210 a lot changed for me mentally, emotionally, spiritually. 00:55:21.610 --> 00:55:25.429 Just there was a huge shift. And so, of course, 00:55:26.070 --> 00:55:27.809 there were certain things that my husband was 00:55:27.809 --> 00:55:31.309 doing that suddenly didn't really annoy me before, 00:55:31.309 --> 00:55:36.690 but was highly irritating me now, like Tiger 00:55:36.690 --> 00:55:39.550 has a tendency. He's worked on it a lot. He's 00:55:39.550 --> 00:55:42.170 worked on it a lot But this created a lot of 00:55:42.170 --> 00:55:44.670 conflict in our marriage is because my husband 00:55:44.670 --> 00:55:48.170 reminds me of a 13 year old girl And I've told 00:55:48.170 --> 00:55:52.809 him that Because I don't entertain or surround 00:55:52.809 --> 00:55:55.090 myself around people that discuss other people 00:55:55.090 --> 00:55:57.210 or talk shit about other people I don't like 00:55:57.210 --> 00:56:00.010 that. It's very low vibrational. It doesn't sit 00:56:00.010 --> 00:56:02.230 right in my spirit So I don't like being around 00:56:02.230 --> 00:56:08.079 people like that And so my husband... had a horrible 00:56:08.079 --> 00:56:11.280 tendency of talking shit about everybody. Anybody 00:56:11.280 --> 00:56:13.480 that passed his way, the person didn't even have 00:56:13.480 --> 00:56:15.340 to interact with him, and he would have something 00:56:15.340 --> 00:56:18.159 negative to say about their truck, their shoes, 00:56:18.219 --> 00:56:20.199 how they looked, how they walked, what they were 00:56:20.199 --> 00:56:22.920 doing. It was like a masculinity contest. He 00:56:22.920 --> 00:56:25.019 had to constantly judge other men out in the 00:56:25.019 --> 00:56:27.500 world on the masculinity scale. And it would 00:56:27.500 --> 00:56:29.539 drive me insane. And I would constantly just 00:56:29.539 --> 00:56:32.119 be like, will you leave people alone? Will you 00:56:32.119 --> 00:56:34.960 leave people? This is like, why do you let like, 00:56:35.199 --> 00:56:36.900 you're like you're worse than a pack of teenage 00:56:36.900 --> 00:56:39.800 girls like why do you have to say something mean 00:56:39.800 --> 00:56:42.940 and cruel or negative about somebody and so it 00:56:42.940 --> 00:56:44.400 started to get to the point where I didn't even 00:56:44.400 --> 00:56:47.139 want to be around him because I'm like I avoid 00:56:47.139 --> 00:56:50.679 this type of energy in real life out in the real 00:56:50.679 --> 00:56:53.900 world so why would I want to entertain it with 00:56:53.900 --> 00:56:56.800 the person I'm married to you know like that's 00:56:56.800 --> 00:57:00.260 I don't like this like I don't surround myself 00:57:00.260 --> 00:57:02.460 with people like this. And so it created a lot 00:57:02.460 --> 00:57:04.860 of conflict and it got to the point where Tiger 00:57:04.860 --> 00:57:07.460 started to understand if he was gonna act in 00:57:07.460 --> 00:57:09.780 this low vibrational space, I wasn't gonna be 00:57:09.780 --> 00:57:13.880 around him. I wasn't gonna be around him because... 00:57:13.710 --> 00:57:17.469 I'm an empath and I absorb other people's emotions. 00:57:17.550 --> 00:57:20.070 So if somebody is really sad all the time or 00:57:20.070 --> 00:57:22.510 just sad in general, I'm gonna absorb it. If 00:57:22.510 --> 00:57:25.150 somebody is angry, I'm gonna absorb it. If somebody 00:57:25.150 --> 00:57:27.309 is just being very low vibrational, I'm gonna 00:57:27.309 --> 00:57:29.710 absorb it and it's going to weaken my energy 00:57:29.710 --> 00:57:33.369 and make me very exhausted and I don't like feeling 00:57:33.369 --> 00:57:37.239 and operating from a low vibrational place. This 00:57:37.239 --> 00:57:40.280 is why this grief has been so hard on me and 00:57:40.280 --> 00:57:43.239 I've had moments of like I just want to end my 00:57:43.239 --> 00:57:47.019 life because I do not like I'm not someone that 00:57:47.019 --> 00:57:49.400 is normally sad all the time I'm not someone 00:57:49.400 --> 00:57:52.219 that normally cries all the time but because 00:57:52.219 --> 00:57:55.460 I am I am releasing the emotions for two people 00:57:55.460 --> 00:58:02.369 I cry and I am sad all the fucking time and To 00:58:02.369 --> 00:58:04.730 me, it feels very low vibrational even though 00:58:04.730 --> 00:58:07.949 it's healing and releasing is healthy. I just 00:58:07.949 --> 00:58:11.389 don't normally operate from this place. So anyways 00:58:11.389 --> 00:58:16.829 back to tiger He was starting to feel very attacked 00:58:16.829 --> 00:58:19.309 With the way that I would constantly be like 00:58:19.309 --> 00:58:21.050 stop doing that. Why do you have to do that? 00:58:21.090 --> 00:58:22.469 Why do you have to say that? Why do you talk 00:58:22.469 --> 00:58:24.389 shit about this person? Why do you know why why 00:58:24.389 --> 00:58:26.869 why why why and he was starting to feel like 00:58:26.869 --> 00:58:31.920 well gosh like nothing I do is okay and like 00:58:31.920 --> 00:58:34.059 you're doing all this healing stuff and you're 00:58:34.059 --> 00:58:36.300 acting like you're better than me and I'm like 00:58:36.300 --> 00:58:41.980 no I'm not and I remember I remember because 00:58:41.980 --> 00:58:43.760 Jay Shetty had talked about this in one of his 00:58:43.760 --> 00:58:48.659 episodes that how it was not okay to force your 00:58:48.659 --> 00:58:51.829 spouse to rise in their healing journey where 00:58:51.829 --> 00:58:55.449 you are. It's not fair. And it's not fair to, 00:58:55.449 --> 00:58:57.989 you know, make them feel like crap or belittle 00:58:57.989 --> 00:59:01.489 them or make them feel less than because they're 00:59:01.489 --> 00:59:04.349 not where you are on their healing journey. And 00:59:04.349 --> 00:59:06.989 so I recognize that I was doing that to Tiger 00:59:06.989 --> 00:59:09.130 and I realized that I needed to apologize. I 00:59:09.130 --> 00:59:11.849 needed to not operate from that space. Like, 00:59:12.469 --> 00:59:15.690 OK, there are some things about Tiger that I 00:59:15.690 --> 00:59:18.329 don't like, specifically him talking shit about 00:59:18.329 --> 00:59:22.639 everybody on the planet. I don't like it. But 00:59:22.639 --> 00:59:25.840 overall, he is an amazing person. He's a great 00:59:25.840 --> 00:59:27.659 person. He's a great husband. He's a great dad. 00:59:28.239 --> 00:59:31.659 Like focus on those things and don't hyper focus 00:59:31.659 --> 00:59:35.929 on that stuff, but he did still work on it because 00:59:35.929 --> 00:59:38.650 it ruined a lot of dates for us and it ruined 00:59:38.650 --> 00:59:41.769 a lot of one on one time for us when he was so 00:59:41.769 --> 00:59:44.869 focused on projecting onto the world. And it 00:59:44.869 --> 00:59:46.889 was like, can you just be in the moment with 00:59:46.889 --> 00:59:49.690 me? Can you just enjoy our date? Why must you 00:59:49.690 --> 00:59:52.570 project on the person that just walked by? You 00:59:52.570 --> 00:59:56.369 know, and these are things that he's I believe 00:59:56.369 --> 00:59:58.610 he started unpacking therapy, so I'm proud of 00:59:58.610 --> 01:00:02.760 him. But he's also worked on just not Doing that 01:00:02.760 --> 01:00:06.079 around me not filling the need to open his mouth 01:00:06.079 --> 01:00:09.139 and talk shit about everybody around me and project 01:00:09.139 --> 01:00:14.519 24 -7 Onto the world because he knows that it 01:00:14.519 --> 01:00:17.340 ruins a good time that we're having and it just 01:00:17.340 --> 01:00:21.500 makes me want to be around him but I Am proud 01:00:21.500 --> 01:00:24.780 of him though because he has come a long way 01:00:24.889 --> 01:00:28.769 And him and I a few years ago did start reading 01:00:28.769 --> 01:00:33.150 What Happened to You by Oprah. And I can't remember 01:00:33.150 --> 01:00:37.550 the doctor's name, but it was an amazing, profound 01:00:37.550 --> 01:00:41.630 book. And I think that was like the opening of 01:00:41.630 --> 01:00:46.409 the door for Tiger to want to maybe realize that 01:00:46.409 --> 01:00:49.050 he needed to start working on his healing journey. 01:00:49.489 --> 01:00:52.849 But you can't. rush people and you can't force 01:00:52.849 --> 01:00:55.769 people and you can't push people to heal you 01:00:55.769 --> 01:00:58.130 need to let them go at their own pace because 01:00:58.130 --> 01:01:01.409 healing is extremely fucking painful and then 01:01:01.409 --> 01:01:04.289 when you're being forced to accelerate heal it's 01:01:04.289 --> 01:01:07.650 just as pain just even if in my experience more 01:01:07.650 --> 01:01:10.369 fucking painful because before I would touch 01:01:10.369 --> 01:01:13.010 on a wound and be like ooh that hurts I'm gonna 01:01:13.010 --> 01:01:15.849 put that down and come back to that later I'm 01:01:15.849 --> 01:01:17.489 gonna work on a different area of my healing 01:01:17.489 --> 01:01:20.440 and then I would either revisit that other later 01:01:20.440 --> 01:01:23.579 on or I wouldn't but then the accelerated spiritual 01:01:23.579 --> 01:01:25.500 and healing journey I was put on was like I don't 01:01:25.500 --> 01:01:27.539 give a fuck if that hurts you're gonna feel it 01:01:27.539 --> 01:01:32.199 you know but um and so it's important that if 01:01:32.199 --> 01:01:34.380 you do have a spouse that is starting to go on 01:01:34.380 --> 01:01:37.519 their own healing journey and work on their wounds 01:01:37.519 --> 01:01:41.320 and inner child stuff you know that you Make 01:01:41.320 --> 01:01:42.980 sure you let them know how proud of them that 01:01:42.980 --> 01:01:46.360 you proud of them that you are and you know not 01:01:46.360 --> 01:01:49.260 you know, let them go at their own pace, you 01:01:49.260 --> 01:01:52.360 know because Nobody is gonna be able to just 01:01:52.360 --> 01:01:54.380 go through and heal all their shit in a day or 01:01:54.380 --> 01:01:57.360 a week or a month or a year You know, and so 01:01:57.360 --> 01:02:00.440 I I had to really take a step back and it took 01:02:00.440 --> 01:02:03.320 several conversations took several arguments 01:02:03.320 --> 01:02:06.739 between me and tiger for him to be like I'm really 01:02:06.739 --> 01:02:08.559 starting to feel picked on by you. I'm really 01:02:08.559 --> 01:02:10.320 starting to feel like I can't do anything right. 01:02:10.400 --> 01:02:11.860 You think you're better than me because you're 01:02:11.860 --> 01:02:17.110 healing and I'm not and He was validated. I heard 01:02:17.110 --> 01:02:20.489 what he was saying. But to me, on my end, and 01:02:20.489 --> 01:02:23.070 I had these conversations with a couple of my 01:02:23.070 --> 01:02:25.349 friends because they felt like their husbands 01:02:25.349 --> 01:02:28.250 were doing the same thing, we felt like we're 01:02:28.250 --> 01:02:31.010 over here trying to fix ourselves. We're recognizing 01:02:31.010 --> 01:02:33.150 in ourselves that we're unhappy in an area in 01:02:33.150 --> 01:02:35.389 our life and we're doing what we need to do to 01:02:35.389 --> 01:02:38.769 feel better. We're... We're joining a gym. We're 01:02:38.769 --> 01:02:41.730 joining a book club. We're we're going for walks. 01:02:41.769 --> 01:02:43.949 We're hiking. We're dancing We're doing we're 01:02:43.949 --> 01:02:46.469 reading a self -health book. We're reading, you 01:02:46.469 --> 01:02:48.510 know a mindfulness book. We're listening to a 01:02:48.510 --> 01:02:51.070 health and mindfulness podcast We're doing all 01:02:51.070 --> 01:02:53.710 these things, you know to better ourselves Meanwhile, 01:02:53.750 --> 01:02:56.190 our husbands are just staying stagnant and being 01:02:56.190 --> 01:02:58.789 like oh, I guess I'm gonna feel this way forever 01:02:58.789 --> 01:03:02.329 I guess I'm just gonna be miserable This is just 01:03:02.329 --> 01:03:05.389 how I am and like we were all collectively getting 01:03:05.389 --> 01:03:07.900 frustrated with this because that's how it felt 01:03:07.900 --> 01:03:10.880 it felt like our husbands were just very stagnant 01:03:10.880 --> 01:03:12.719 like well this is how I am I'm not ever gonna 01:03:12.719 --> 01:03:16.480 fix it you know because unfortunately for men 01:03:16.480 --> 01:03:19.840 they were raised like shut the fuck up don't 01:03:19.840 --> 01:03:21.659 be a pussy don't talk about your emotions don't 01:03:21.659 --> 01:03:25.360 cry like we understand that and and that's horrible 01:03:25.360 --> 01:03:30.780 that that was the kind of Of messaging that was 01:03:30.780 --> 01:03:33.280 beaten into boys that they weren't allowed to 01:03:33.280 --> 01:03:36.079 fill and they weren't allowed to express and 01:03:36.079 --> 01:03:39.000 so I mean as women I guess we do need to give 01:03:39.000 --> 01:03:41.980 them more grace because they grew up with that 01:03:41.980 --> 01:03:44.699 conditioning of you don't feel you don't cry 01:03:44.699 --> 01:03:47.340 you don't express and Then here we are being 01:03:47.340 --> 01:03:50.420 like express yourself. Let it out heal and they're 01:03:50.420 --> 01:03:54.420 like, what the fuck? What do you mean? Like what 01:03:54.420 --> 01:03:59.360 what what is that? You know and so It has definitely 01:03:59.360 --> 01:04:02.440 been an uphill battle with trying to get tiger 01:04:02.440 --> 01:04:05.599 to open up and I am so proud of him I was proud 01:04:05.599 --> 01:04:14.099 of him in the last episode and I just Yeah, like 01:04:14.099 --> 01:04:17.219 he's really come a long way. He's come a long 01:04:17.219 --> 01:04:20.079 way. But like I said, I've had to take a step 01:04:20.079 --> 01:04:23.880 back and learn that I can't rush his healing. 01:04:24.320 --> 01:04:29.239 I can't expect his healing to match mine. He's 01:04:29.239 --> 01:04:32.139 getting to where he needs to get to at his pace. 01:04:32.519 --> 01:04:34.539 He still has a long way to go. I still have a 01:04:34.539 --> 01:04:40.030 long way to go. but I can't like belittle him 01:04:40.030 --> 01:04:44.789 or berate him and you know treat him as you know 01:04:44.789 --> 01:04:49.070 because if you do that the person that may be 01:04:49.070 --> 01:04:51.690 taking small steps to heal they're gonna be like 01:04:51.690 --> 01:04:54.489 fuck this shit like I'm not gonna heal then like 01:04:54.489 --> 01:04:56.989 I'm not gonna work on this then if you're just 01:04:56.989 --> 01:04:58.730 gonna make me feel like I'm constantly doing 01:04:58.730 --> 01:05:03.750 something wrong and so Yeah, like they're they're 01:05:03.750 --> 01:05:06.250 kind of essentially just just gonna shut down 01:05:06.250 --> 01:05:09.090 And so the way Jay Shetty explained it was you 01:05:09.090 --> 01:05:12.409 don't tell your spouse to heal you show them 01:05:12.409 --> 01:05:16.730 you show them with with You working on your own 01:05:16.730 --> 01:05:20.150 healing and focusing on your own healing and 01:05:20.150 --> 01:05:24.530 then they'll they'll just kind of start to Naturally 01:05:24.530 --> 01:05:26.409 organically want to work on their own healing, 01:05:27.090 --> 01:05:29.469 you know Just just like you know seeing seeing 01:05:29.469 --> 01:05:32.590 you feeling so much better and and you know all 01:05:32.590 --> 01:05:36.809 of that but like You know pushing it upon them 01:05:36.809 --> 01:05:40.139 and forcing it on them or kind of Like making 01:05:40.139 --> 01:05:43.420 them feel like, you know, like they're doing 01:05:43.420 --> 01:05:45.500 because that's that's what I was doing. I was 01:05:45.500 --> 01:05:48.599 making Tiger feel like I think he was starting 01:05:48.599 --> 01:05:52.860 to feel left behind by me because like he's like, 01:05:52.860 --> 01:05:56.139 I'm perfectly fine where I'm at. I'm proud of 01:05:56.139 --> 01:05:58.320 you for being where you're at and where you're 01:05:58.320 --> 01:06:01.719 healing. But I'm not interested in being where 01:06:01.719 --> 01:06:06.409 you're at and. You know, you're constantly telling 01:06:06.409 --> 01:06:11.329 me where I'm fucking up. And, you know, it really 01:06:11.329 --> 01:06:14.849 started to get him down because, and then I, 01:06:14.909 --> 01:06:16.730 like I said, I had to take a step back. I had 01:06:16.730 --> 01:06:19.050 to kind of rewatch or re -listen to that Jay 01:06:19.050 --> 01:06:22.150 Shitty episode and realize, okay, I'm doing exactly 01:06:22.150 --> 01:06:24.869 what Jay Shitty told me not to do to my spouse. 01:06:25.329 --> 01:06:29.480 And so yeah, I had to give him a zillion apologies. 01:06:30.420 --> 01:06:32.920 Um, I had to apologize to him multiple times 01:06:32.920 --> 01:06:35.340 and just be like, I'm sorry. Like I recognize 01:06:35.340 --> 01:06:38.219 that I was doing that. The only thing that I 01:06:38.219 --> 01:06:40.599 will say that I stayed on him about was going 01:06:40.599 --> 01:06:43.760 to therapy. That was it because he absolutely 01:06:43.760 --> 01:06:47.440 needed that. He absolutely needed therapy. But 01:06:47.440 --> 01:06:50.539 as far as like everything else, I just started 01:06:50.539 --> 01:06:54.980 to try to calmly be like, okay, I don't like 01:06:54.980 --> 01:06:57.360 when you project on the whole world. So can you 01:06:57.360 --> 01:06:59.460 not do that when we're together? Can you not 01:06:59.460 --> 01:07:02.380 do that on our dates? I don't like you here. 01:07:02.619 --> 01:07:04.659 I don't like hearing you say awful things about 01:07:04.659 --> 01:07:07.500 other people and you know, we have daughters 01:07:07.500 --> 01:07:09.619 and they don't need to hear that either. Like 01:07:09.619 --> 01:07:14.420 I'm raising my girls to be kind, loving, accepting, 01:07:14.940 --> 01:07:18.670 you know, caring, open individuals. My kids aren't 01:07:18.670 --> 01:07:20.769 going to be walking out the door saying mean 01:07:20.769 --> 01:07:22.530 things about other kids. Like we're not doing 01:07:22.530 --> 01:07:26.349 that. Like that's not what I'm raising. And so 01:07:26.349 --> 01:07:32.010 he heard me when I said that it resonated. Um, 01:07:32.010 --> 01:07:34.269 and so he's come a long way and he's worked on 01:07:34.269 --> 01:07:37.989 it. You know, um, it's just a product of how 01:07:37.989 --> 01:07:41.389 he was raised, unfortunately, um, to just project 01:07:41.389 --> 01:07:45.460 on everybody, but he recognizes it. and he's 01:07:45.460 --> 01:07:49.179 working on it and he is starting to identify 01:07:49.179 --> 01:07:51.639 why he does it to begin with because there's 01:07:51.639 --> 01:07:54.059 a reason behind it it's not him just actually 01:07:54.059 --> 01:08:00.260 trying to be mean you know but um that's more 01:08:00.260 --> 01:08:07.519 for his story to tell but um you know all we 01:08:07.519 --> 01:08:12.789 can really do is Be a safe space for our spouse 01:08:12.789 --> 01:08:15.849 and give them grace and give them the room and 01:08:15.849 --> 01:08:21.170 the time and the patience that they require and 01:08:21.170 --> 01:08:24.409 That they and you know, allow them to heal on 01:08:24.409 --> 01:08:27.470 their own timeline allow them to heal when they 01:08:27.470 --> 01:08:32.390 are ready When when they are ready to and when 01:08:32.390 --> 01:08:37.289 they want to and at their own pace so I mean 01:08:37.289 --> 01:08:42.520 Like we have to normalize that And I had to learn 01:08:42.520 --> 01:08:45.279 that lesson. So that's why I'm discussing it 01:08:45.279 --> 01:08:49.380 because this is coming from my actual experience 01:08:49.380 --> 01:08:52.720 because I was, I don't want to say being a bully, 01:08:53.340 --> 01:08:57.039 but I was kind of... I'm over here trying to 01:08:57.039 --> 01:08:59.500 be all love and light but at the same time was 01:08:59.500 --> 01:09:02.359 being an ass to my husband because I was frustrated 01:09:02.359 --> 01:09:04.779 that he wasn't over here being all love and light 01:09:04.779 --> 01:09:07.159 with me. He wasn't at the level of my love and 01:09:07.159 --> 01:09:10.840 light and you know my philosophy and the things 01:09:10.840 --> 01:09:14.039 that I thought of or how I viewed life or you 01:09:14.039 --> 01:09:16.359 know that there were a lot of things that were 01:09:16.359 --> 01:09:19.140 no longer aligning with him like they used to 01:09:19.140 --> 01:09:21.899 and so that created conflict because he was like 01:09:21.899 --> 01:09:24.279 what is going on like you used to agree with 01:09:24.279 --> 01:09:27.090 me on this and now you don't. and you know but 01:09:27.090 --> 01:09:32.750 that was just my shift in consciousness and that 01:09:32.750 --> 01:09:35.789 was my shift in my own healing that there were 01:09:35.789 --> 01:09:37.930 just certain things that just didn't resonate 01:09:37.930 --> 01:09:40.989 with me anymore and he just had to learn to accept 01:09:40.989 --> 01:09:43.710 it and respect it just like I have to continue 01:09:43.710 --> 01:09:47.829 to accept and respect his opinions and the way 01:09:47.829 --> 01:09:50.270 he thinks or whatever even if it doesn't align 01:09:50.270 --> 01:09:55.289 with me anymore but the point The moral of the 01:09:55.289 --> 01:09:57.890 story, I guess, is just meeting in the middle 01:09:57.890 --> 01:10:01.550 with your spouse. Meeting in the middle with 01:10:01.550 --> 01:10:04.810 your spouse and giving them the grace and the 01:10:04.810 --> 01:10:08.090 space to show up how they're going to show up. 01:10:08.989 --> 01:10:11.310 And listening and, you know, being there for 01:10:11.310 --> 01:10:15.390 them. But my husband just called me and I just... 01:10:15.930 --> 01:10:18.010 Clicked ignore because I was trying to finish 01:10:18.010 --> 01:10:20.470 my thought so he's gonna start getting worried 01:10:20.470 --> 01:10:23.010 and think that I'm mad at him or something So 01:10:23.010 --> 01:10:25.590 I need to call him back and let him know I'm 01:10:25.590 --> 01:10:28.609 not mad at him and that I love him and I didn't 01:10:28.609 --> 01:10:33.409 mean to hang up on him. So Thank you for letting 01:10:33.409 --> 01:10:37.270 me open up a little bit about a very very difficult 01:10:37.270 --> 01:10:44.170 topic and why I've been grieving and why I am 01:10:44.170 --> 01:10:48.029 the saddest I've been in my entire life and be 01:10:48.029 --> 01:10:51.170 vulnerable about that. I don't know if I'll want 01:10:51.170 --> 01:10:53.149 to talk about it more, open up about it more 01:10:53.149 --> 01:10:55.750 because like I said, it's a very private subject 01:10:55.750 --> 01:11:01.529 and a painful subject to me. So, yeah, but I 01:11:01.529 --> 01:11:06.829 appreciate you guys. tuning in and allowing me 01:11:06.829 --> 01:11:09.649 to be vulnerable about my grief journey and healing 01:11:09.649 --> 01:11:13.609 and spirituality and all that stuff and I hope 01:11:13.609 --> 01:11:17.350 that this episode resonated and I love you guys 01:11:17.350 --> 01:11:21.210 and just remember be fucking kind we don't know 01:11:21.210 --> 01:11:25.270 what anybody is going through so just be kind 01:11:25.270 --> 01:11:27.630 and show up for other people the best way that 01:11:27.630 --> 01:11:31.109 you can and I will see you guys in the next one 01:11:31.109 --> 01:11:33.229 and this has been another episode of play with 01:11:33.229 --> 01:11:34.720 your dick not me Bye.