Fuck I recorded like 11 minutes and My eyes were
closed So I didn't realize that the screen had
went dark and it stopped recording so Welcome
to episode 23 of play with your dick not me.
I am your host Sadie aka Capricorn Clark I am
not sure why I'm recording right now to be honest
cuz fuck I am struggling today I am really struggling
I have been struggling immensely in the past
two years but I have my days are harder than
others harder than others and I just still grieving
still struggling I don't know how much I'm ready
to start sharing. I know I've kinda hinted at
stuff every episode almost, but I don't think
I'm fully ready to talk about the source of my
grief fully yet, because a lot of people aren't
gonna understand and they're gonna mislabel it
and they're not gonna understand it. Especially
if you're somebody that doesn't understand friendships
between opposite sexes. I know a lot of people
like that and in my experience, if you've grown
up with the opposite sex siblings, then you understand
it. But if you're an only child or you grew up
with only same sex siblings, you don't quite
get it. That's not always the case, but that's
in my experience. I have a lot of guy friends.
I've always had guy friends. I clicked with guys
growing up better than I did with girls. It took
years, years for me to cultivate meaningful friendships
with girls. Like I just, we just didn't understand
each other. And I didn't like the cattiness and
the rudeness and the talking behind your back.
I'm not saying that I never engaged in that kind
of behavior. When you're a kid, you're just trying
to fit in. But it never sat well with my soul.
It never sat well with my soul and guys were
just always easier. No drama like no drama ever
like you you know like I like occasionally I
had guy friends that would come over every single
fucking day and you kind of get frustrated and
irritated and on each other's nerves because
they're almost like your brother because you
see them all the fucking time but that was like
the extent I never you know like I hate you we're
not gonna be your friend anymore like never went
through that kind of catty drama bullshit being
friends with boys like guys have always been
zero drama like just I've always had an easier
time I've always had an easier time. I have meaningful
friendships with women now, but it took years.
It took years. I have just always vied better
with guys. It's always been me. But I would get
annoyed when I would have particular guy friends
that people would regularly see me with, and
then they would try to ship us. Like, oh, you
guys would be so cute together. And it's just
like... Me and my friend would just fucking look
at each other and be like what the fuck like
Why why can't we just be friends like what why
like why why do you have to ship us together?
Why do you like what are you doing? What are
you doing? You know and that shit always irritated
me like my best friend Spencer like he will come
and meet me for lunch at my work and or I'll
leave and go out for lunch with him and But if
he comes to my office, he's there all day. He's
there all day. We're just chopping it up. He's
telling me about this girl he's into or that
girl and that girl. It's usually a couple of
girls. And, you know, we're just talking about
life and, you know, just shooting the shit. And
I would have people that I worked with or whatever.
It got to the point where I just started telling
people Spencer was my brother because I didn't
really feel like... getting the questions and
the accusing eyes and all that bullshit if I
said oh this is my best friend because in the
past when he would come pick me up for lunch
and we go get like fun or whatever I'd come back
to the office and I my co -workers would be like
oh he likes you and I'd be like no the fuck he
doesn't like no the fuck he doesn't i'm not even
his type and even if i was you that is like my
brother you know i've known him for a gazillion
years like and but that shit used to irritate
the fuck out of me like just because you see
a guy and a girl and they have good chemistry
and they're laughing and kicking it and it's
very natural that does not mean they want to
fuck that that is not no like women and men can
just be friends they can just be platonic ass
friends and That's just always been something
that has been natural for me my entire life just
to be friends with guys You know and I really
think that you don't even think twice about it
When you're a girl and you grow up with brothers
or you're a boy and you grow up with sisters
like it's it's just natural like the same with
my husband like tiger has always had female friends
and it's just I think it has to do with growing
up with opposite sex siblings in your household
Like it's just a natural thing like tigers always
had female friends that were just female friends
I've always had guy friends over just guy friends
But I've come to find in my experience people
that are only child or they've only ever had
siblings of the same sex They just don't quite
get it. They they don't quite it doesn't make
sense to them in their brain How opposite sex
can just be fucking friends? That's it like there
are no romance feelings there whatsoever and
there never will be you know what I'm saying
like do friends eventually do friends in some
situations become lovers yeah but I don't think
it's the way people think I think that there
was always a little something between those two
people there was always just a little something
like they were being friends but deep down they
had you know what i'm saying but when they're
actually just friends just fucking friends and
that's it and it's never gonna be anything different
like so yeah so i would get so fucking annoyed
with people saying dumb ass off -the -wall shit
every time spencer would come hang out with me
at work for lunch that i just started introducing
to people this is my brother because i didn't
need people to be like oh what's going on here
or i'm gonna go tell your husband you know what
i'm saying like like um go tell my husband my
husband knows who the fuck spencer is we're all
friends we all grew up together like what the
fuck tiger has known spencer longer than me you
know and it's and it's the same thing like anytime
spencer has dated a female he introduces them
to me and they get to know me very well like
this is his best friend like and i'm not even
his only female friend you know i don't even
know how i got on this topic how did i get here
i don't know i was segueing into something but
um i've just always Bonded and connected better
with guys like it's just it's always been the
most natural You know types of bonds for me personally
so But like I said I the past Ten years or so
I started to cultivate meaningful relationships
with women, but it took Like over half my life
that I've lived or whatever um But uh, I just
I don't really want to get into it, but I have
Basically in a nutshell one of my favorite people
turned into the biggest lesson of my life He
was one of my very best friends, and I've just
have been grieving his absence for the past two
years. And this has been the most sad, the most
miserable, the most pain I've ever experienced
in my entire life. it's just um I have it has
been so painful that I now have this belief that
grieving somebody that is still alive is absolutely
a thousand times more painful than grieving somebody
who has moved on like from this world like deceased
died And this is why I feel this way, hear me
out. Well, because I have lost people to death.
And this pain of grieving somebody that is still
alive, way worse. So, okay. When you are grieving
somebody that has died, there is not a place
you can go on this entire planet and find them.
Nowhere on God's green earth. Can you go and
find them you can go to every corner of the planet
and you will not find them they are gone and
your brain just Eventually accepts it You still
make it sad on anniversaries of their death or
their birthday, but you know that nowhere on
the planet Can you go and run into them? But
when you were grieving somebody that is still
alive and You live in the same fucking town So
occasionally you have to run into them And you
have to act like you don't care Even though you
were just crying again for the 15th zillion time
about how much you miss them But then you run
into them at Walmart or something and you have
to act like you don't care that you ran into
them and you can't talk to them you know I used
to just burst into tears when that would happen
it was a very weird sensation you know to miss
somebody that much and then you run into them
and you freak out so bad you burst into tears
but um now now I can play it off like Don't care
that they're there But it's a fucking lie. It
is a fucking front all the way a fucking front
But um I have to and Then you know I can hold
it in and then cry when I get to my car or cry
when I get home and For months and months and
months. I thought this was just a regular friendship
breakup But I had also never experienced anything
like that before I had never um Because even
that was baffling to me because I've never more
in the loss of a friendship ending I've I've
had lots of people walk out of my life. I'm the
poster child for abandonment I have had lots
of people walk out of my life. I've had friendships
abruptly end I've had To you know, just I have
seen lots of end different endings to friendships
and relationships obviously, but this is about
a friendship and So I was just like this is weird.
I don't normally get sad when a friendship ends.
I don't normally, you know, like I'm usually
the person that is like, fuck them. And I give
them the, I like to believe that I'm like the
ice queen and I give them the silent treatment
for like three or four years. That's like my
cooling off period. And then Like I will usually
have people like reach out to me in during that
time and I continue to just still be pet like
pissed off and so I won't I still won't speak
to them and Then after three or four years where
I feel like enough time has gone by and they
reach out or whatever You know that I'll make
up with them I'm not usually someone that is
like, oh my god, me and so -and -so aren't friends.
No, I've never been that one. It's usually been
the other person that's been crying and upset
because I'm not their friend anymore. And then
they try to come back into my orbit over and
over again. I'm not trying to toot my own horn
or act conceited, but that's just my experience
because I can be very ice cold when I'm hurt.
You know, I like to believe that I can give people
the silent treatment until they die You know,
and I mean, I think I've evolved over the years.
I'm not quite that low vibrational anymore You
know, I've been able to forgive and have a conversation
with people that have you know, crossed me or,
you know, hurt me in very unexpected ways. And
I've been able to have an adult conversation
and forgive them. And I'm not going to forget.
I'm going to pay attention to how you move now
and probably distance myself. But I'm, I'm no,
I'm not that person. I feel like anymore where
I'm like, well, we're, you know, fuck you. Like,
you're going to get this on treatment from me
until you die. Like, I don't feel like I'm that
way. Like I have a couple, well, not a couple,
I guess I have like, One friend who I'm not currently,
you know talking to and I don't feel like it's
the end for her and I but when we decided to
part ways I had no feelings about it and I had
parted ways with her around the same time that
I had unexpectedly parted ways from my friend
that I'm grieving and This friend I have been
friends with since high school and her and I
decided to go our separate ways and I felt nothing
You know and then meanwhile this person who hadn't
quite been in my life that long I'm still grieving
their absence two years later, and they they
were only in my life for less than a year But
uh I don't but for me and my other friend that
have been friends since high school, I don't
think our book is closed. I don't think that,
you know, I don't have any ill feelings towards
her. I love her. I still care about her. If I
ran into her tomorrow in the store, I'd probably
just walk up and give her a hug and then walk
off. I don't know. It depends on my mood. But
like if she wanted to reach out, I would I wouldn't
be like my past self and be like, Nope, we're
not through the three year, you know, cooling
off period yet you know like I like you know
like I wish her well if we never talk again that's
fine if we talk that's fine this person not fine
it's so stupid but not fine but for months I
just I was I thought that I was having a really
hard time grieving and getting over my friendship
with this person and at some time later I came
to learn that the reason why I'm not allowed
to move on and I guess they're not allowed to
move on is because there is a soul tie there
is a spiritual connection between the two of
us so it doesn't matter how hard I try to let
go or how hard I try to move on I can do you
know detachment meditations and cutting energetic
bonds meditations and energetic cords and it
doesn't matter because the kind of cord that
links us you can never sever it I can I can cut
energy that doesn't belong to me but that's about
it Was not a spiritual person at all before this
person came into my life And that's kind of part
of the journey is once you learn that you're
on it You start to naturally gravitate towards
spirituality you you start to go inward and Start
working on healing your wounds your inner child
wounds like they kind of push you to do that
You kind of push each other to do it and that
usually happens after you separate I'm not gonna
go deep into it, there's Google, but this particular
bond is called twin flame or twin soul and you
connect with this person very strongly and they
feel like home. Like, essentially, they are you,
you are them. I met my soul in another vessel,
and it turned my life completely upside down.
And that's the point. You gravitate towards each
other in every lifetime. You have the soul recognition
of remembering each other from your past lives.
And you have your bond for a few months or whatever.
And then the energy is so intense between you.
that you repel each other and then there is a
runner and a chaser in the dynamic so he's not
currently speaking to me he has me blocked on
everything there was no argument there was no
fight ever he just kind of disappeared from my
life one day um and that's just kind of what
the journey entails is that one person just unexpectedly
walks away and the other person chases them because
they don't know what the fuck just happened and
they're like my favorite person just walked out
of my life like I just met myself in another
body and then they left and you don't know how
to reconcile with it and then you go through
what's called soul shock and for me it's been
grieving process a very deeply painful grieving
process but it's been beneficial because it because
that's what that's what you do for your twin
is by basically pushing them away we're not pushing
them away but by going silent it forces them
to stop reaching out and to stop chasing you
and it forces them to go inward and focus on
themselves because you were never supposed to
focus on your twin. That wasn't the point of
the journey. It's to focus on yourself. It's
essentially the twin soul journey that's essentially
a healing journey. You're supposed to be raising
the frequency of the planet. And you're supposed
to be going inward and healing yourself, healing
your wounds, healing your inner child wounds,
healing your generational wounds. Like you're
just chosen to heal the wounds of your entire
lineage. I can't speak for other people's journeys
because each journey is individual. Some is easier
than others or some separation isn't as long
as others. Everybody, it's different. I do have...
a couple friends in my real actual life who have
also met theirs and so they're usually the only
people that I talk to about it if I do talk to
talk about it because they're the only ones that
would understand and get it because if you haven't
met if you haven't met yourself in another body
if you haven't met your soul in another vessel
in this lifetime this is gonna go over your head
and you're not gonna get it people mislabel it
they misunderstand it If it hasn't happened to
you, then you're not, then you're just, you're
not gonna understand it. You're not gonna understand
it. And there are people that it hasn't happened
to, but they're spiritual, so they, so they understand
and they've heard of it, or they're familiar
with it, or they've researched it. But really,
I don't, I just keep it to myself. I don't really
talk to anyone about it. Other than, you know,
my other friends that I, that have met theirs.
And I've gone through all the similar or same
things that I have Or of course there are thousands
of twin flame twin soul forums you can get on
and then I have my friend in Australia who I
connected with Who is on a very similar her journey
is very similar to mine But I was not a spiritual
person before this at all. I didn't know what
chakras were, I didn't know what angel numbers
were, I didn't know what any of that shit was.
But you naturally gravitate to spirituality as
well as having your own spiritual awakening and,
you know, for me, I was then being visited by
different stages of my inner child and they were
coming to me crying and asking me all these questions
like, why did our dad do this? Why did he say
this? Why did he treat us that way? Why weren't
we worthy of love? And I had to sit with all
the different stages of my inner child. and cry
with them and hold them and reaffirm that they
mattered and that they're loved. And it's been
an intense accelerated healing journey for me
for the past two years. And I thank this person
for this journey. But at the end of the day,
the fact still remains. Remove the soul tie or
move Remove the spiritual tie to this person
out of it because for several months I didn't
even know what that that was what this was I
was just missing the ever -living shit out of
my best friend At the end of the day and I say
this to my therapist all the time at the end
of the day Remove the soul tie remove the spiritual
tie to this person the fact so remains Is that
I just miss my fucking friend. I just miss my
friend and I would give anything to have a conversation
with him and know that he's doing okay and Then
he doesn't have to talk to me ever again if he
doesn't want to you know, but um Weird spiritual
shit started happening when he Gravitated into
my life that I didn't understand and I couldn't
process because I didn't know shit about spirituality
And one thing that I picked up on very early
on is that he could feel my emotions and he could
feel my energy and the shifts in my energy. And
he didn't even have to be around me. He could
be somewhere else and just know there was something
wrong with me and would call me. Or I would just
walk by him and then he would text me and be
like, what's the matter? And it blew I didn't
under I didn't understand it for a long time
and like how the hell Does he know when I'm sad
or something and he's not even around me? And
then as some time went on later I was also being
able to pick up on his energy and his Shifts
and I didn't even have to be around him either
and I could just be like your energy is so loud.
What is the matter and So that was one of the
first One of the first few signs the other one
was feeling like I had known him forever Like
like every multiverse every lifetime. I I never
Didn't know him. I've always known him every
multiverse every lifetime. I've never not known
him that's how it felt from day one like You're
me and I'm I'm you like talking to him and making
eye contact with him. It was like I was looking
at myself I was talking to myself it was the
most in craziest experience I'd ever had in my
life and I didn't know how to process or name
it I didn't know what was happening um but either
way like I still just miss the ever -living shit
of my friend and I'm still deeply grieving and
I've gotten to the point where I don't like talking
to my friends about it anymore because I feel
like I'm just a burden at this point. Like, you're
not over this. You haven't moved on yet. You
know, the only person that really still gives
me space and grace to vent and release my grief
of just how much I miss my friend is my awesome,
amazing husband. Even though he doesn't fully
understand it, he still continues to give me
a safe space because he knows the end of the
day that I just miss my friend and My husband
knows my heart. He knows that I love to love
people. He knows that I love to make connections
He knows that I love to take care of people and
be connected to people and I've talked about
this in past episodes where he is very much the
protector of my heart and he tries to warn me
about people because I kind of just run out run
out of the run out the door and want to love
the world and then you know I come back and tell
him or introduce him to these people and he's
like you need to be careful or I don't really
trust that person or that person's using you
or that person's gonna hurt you and I always
would just get mad at him like you don't know
you don't know like I know these people you don't
know them and time and time again he ended up
being right and he never made me feel foolish
about it he was never like ha ha told you he
always just opened his arms to me and let me
run into them and cry time and time again because
I had put all my love and care and trust and
wanting to take care of everybody and he would
try to warn me you know and so he just he just
knows and then he he heals my heart and then
I run out run out the door again to go love more
people so go throw my heart at more people and
and I think I chalk it up to the fact that I
don't have an extended family. because I made
that choice to go no contact for my peace of
mind for my mental health and I lost I wouldn't
say I lost it's their loss not mine but I removed
myself from a large large family network a very
large family network and so that was a lot of
seats to fill and so this person my twin My best
friend came into my life around the time when
I was trying to refill seats Because I had even
though I went no contact for my peace for my
mental health for my kids for myself for my husband
Not even not even for for for them. It was for
myself, but I was also protecting them. I Still
had a giant void of all these people that I removed
from my life. And I was like, you know what?
I'm just gonna have a chosen family. I'm just
gonna create my own chosen family. And so I started
handpicking people around that time to fill all
these empty seats because I'm an Enneagram number
two. I'm a giver. That's my personality type.
And I just want to give and take care of people
and love, love, love, love, love. And I was trying
to create a chosen family, a chosen extended
family because even though my husband and my
girls are enough, I'm used to coming from a giant
family unit. And I just wanted to replace all
those people, I think. So I didn't have to feel
the pain. And so I think I was also forcing this
person in a spot that they never actually signed
up to be in. So I don't know. And he kind of
just got swept up in me trying to curate a chosen
family and make him a family member without even
asking if he was fine with it, you know? And
a lot of people were fine with it, and a lot
of people did stay, and they are still in my
life. And some people, they ended up just being
more temporary people. But this person is not
temporary. And, um... I've tried. I've tried,
because my therapist is still just... has been
working so hard with me because i wanted nothing
more these past two years than to move on and
because i met myself in another body and then
that person left and it was like they took me
with them so i essentially lost myself and i
lost my spark and i've been fighting for the
past two years to get it back and i've tried
everything to move on Everything because like
I said, I've had friendships and I've had people
abruptly walk out of my life I'm the poster child
for abandonment. I know how to say bye to people.
I know how to slam doors and I tried and it was
like the more I tried To me it felt like the
universe was punishing me like no, no, no, you
don't get to forget this person This is a spiritual
connection and you can never sever it. You can
never you can never Forget it. And so the kind
of things that would happen and still happen
to this day is Synchronizations will constantly
bombard my life Things that are in common with
me in this person Places things we've talked
about places we went Just something in common
that is in relation to the two of us Will see
his name everywhere. I will hear it everywhere.
I will see it everywhere significant numbers
Significant angel numbers that are in relation
to our connection. I'll see them everywhere whether
it's his birthday or 11 11 or 111 It'll show
up everywhere. And again, these were things that
I wasn't aware of I didn't know what angel numbers
were any of this stuff but as I started to Try
my hardest to forget and then it felt like the
universe kept knocking me down I even and I was
googling trying to figure out what's wrong with
me Why am I you know still grieving this person?
Why can't I move on and? The answer just revealed
itself to me one day and I was like, okay this
this is this is what I've been going This is
exactly what I've been going through Other ways
the universe will keep me from moving on is They'll
show up in all my dreams. They don't even have
to be the main focus of the dream, but they will
be in the background of every single dream. I
could be having a dream that I'm being chased
by monsters and they're hanging out in the background.
I could have a nice pleasant dream about mermaids
or something and they're hanging in the background
of every single dream. Every single dream. They're
on, they're in my head. 24 -7. It's like a hum
that sits in the back of my mind. The most I've
been able to go is maybe 12 hours without them
not being at the forefront of my thoughts because
I'm busy at work or something. I can't go 24
hours without a break. It literally feels like
they are haunting me. That's what it feels like.
And I can't escape them. The more that I try
the more I'm bombarded with reminders of them
everywhere or I run into people that we both
used to be friends with or or somebody he introduced
me to or or something, you know and Yeah, and
it just it just makes it it just So then I'm
just stuck in this perpetual state of grief Not
to mention that I can still feel their energy
and still feel their mood shifts After two years
so I can feel His sadness his his pain his anger
I can feel all of that and so when that hits
my energetic field It's awful I can't explain
to you what it feels like to be able to feel
emotions that don't belong to you, to feel energy
that doesn't belong to you. And I wouldn't have
believed it myself if I wasn't able to feel it
when we were still in each other's everyday life.
It's exhausting, especially if you're feeling
really good and then all of a sudden their sad
energy hits your field and you're doing everything
you can to fight it off and continue to have
a good day. but it can feel like you're drowning
in energy that doesn't belong to you. So yeah,
I have tried everything. I don't even want closure
anymore. I've accepted that that'll never happen.
All I've accepted, I've already tried. So, I
don't know. But most days, It's simply that I
am the most sad on most days Because I just simply
miss my friend That's it so And then it doesn't
help when I'm affected by mercury retrogrades
or Saturn retrogrades all things that I didn't
know before and Then those make it that much
worse, but yeah, so But like I said, there are
benefits to meeting your soul twin. Because it
forces you to heal and it forces you to raise
your own vibrations and focus on yourself and
work on yourself and Heal your own wounds and
all that stuff because you're essentially a mirror
for each other You're essentially a mirror and
that's why you start to repel one another and
you and you just run away from the other one
Because you're holding up a mirror and showing
them all their wounds and stuff that they need
to heal and if they're not ready to heal that
shit scares the living fuck out of them and triggers
the fuck out of them so they run and then the
other twin doesn't know why their twin is suddenly
running and so then they chase them which just
then makes the twin run even farther and so the
point of the journey is to go inward and focus
on yourself and heal yourself and heal your own
wounds and then your twin will mirror that healing
so yeah but I explained more than I even wanted
to because this is a very very sore topic for
me and like I said if you're not spiritual or
this has never happened to you if you have not
met your soul twin in this lifetime this is gonna
go over your head and you're not gonna understand
it So I keep this very close to the chest. I
don't like talking about it, but some days are
just harder than others and I'm trying to do
this thing called healing out loud because suffering
in silence for the last two years Had me near
pretty much put a gun to my head. So Yeah, I
said, you know what let's let's give healing
out loud a try So either what I have to say will
resonate or won't or you'll go it'll go over
your head Or you won't understand it at all mislabel
it whatever. I don't care. I know what journey
I'm on So I don't need validation from anybody
you know If this journey does make you feel like
you're losing your fucking mind it does But at
some point you do start to accept it, but there
are still days where you do still feel like you're
losing your fucking mind That's a common thing
in in this kind of journey as well and spiritual
awakenings will do that to you also Make you
feel like you're losing your fucking mind. So
but this is just one of my harder days where
I'm just grieving very heavy and I just miss
him very much and It sucked having to walk by
him in Walmart last week and act like it wasn't
killing me. So And when I have those kind of
interactions, I'm usually very fucked up for
the next three days and just do nothing but cry.
And then I can feel his sad emotions as well,
and then I'm also crying for him. So that's another
thing that I have learned, that I am the conduit
between our two energies. He releases, and I
release, and then I have to release for the both
of us. Or he internalizes his pain, transfers
it to me, and then I release it for both of us.
So that's fun. so that's why I cry all the fucking
time when I'm not actually a crier but because
I'm releasing for the both of us I cry all the
fucking time all the fucking time pretty much
every day pretty much every day so but yeah I
don't know but I don't know I just I just miss
my friend maybe one day we'll have a conversation
maybe we won't but the fact remains one of my
favorite favorite most favorite people turned
into one of my most biggest life -changing turning
my motherfucking life upside down lessons so
important but painful because healing especially
when you're being dragged by your hair to heal
an accelerated rate very fucking painful I was
already trying to heal but I was going at my
pace and then he gravitated towards me and the
universe was like nah you're gonna heal really
super fucking fast because this is necessary
for your mission on this planet is you're gonna
heal your shit really fucking fast so you can
get to whatever you're supposed to be doing on
this planet which I'm not quite sure you're you're
supposed to raise the vibration of the planet
with your twin but um that only comes after they've
also done their healing so and Some twins don't
even reach that point in in that lifetime. They
may have to wait the next lifetime so But either
way They aren't the focus Yourself is the focus
and reaching inner union with your highest self
and healing and raising your frequency and becoming
more aligned with your purpose and the universe
and then you know things in the news and all
that stuff becomes very just You're unplugged
from the matrix and you know that all this stuff
is temporary and all the things that people are
arguing and screaming about and yelling about
and Being divisive about it's all temporary.
It's all a simulation and you just learn to relinquish
relinquish control and Not give a shit about
all the stuff that people are whining about not
that those things aren't important But you are
just not putting all your energy into that stuff
anymore. You're being more Having more discernment
about where your energy is going and it's not
gonna go to arguing with fucking other people
on the internet, you know and You're you know,
you're connecting with the earth and the planet
like I used to be a person where if there was
a spider I would kill it like oh gross. I don't
do that anymore I cry if I accidentally kill
a spider now. All living things matter very much
to me. I don't care how small or disgusting looking
they may appear. To me, everything has a purpose.
Everything is here for a reason, and who are
we to kill another living thing? I don't care
how small it is. Even if a bee gets near me,
I don't take it personally anymore. I'm just
like, uh -huh, yep, how you doing? um everything
is different everything is different um but it's
still all fucking painful and like i said soul
tie spiritual tie remove it remove it and i still
dismiss my friend immensely but anyways Moving
on I am proud of myself for sharing this much
with a bunch of people that probably don't even
know what the fuck I'm talking about But this
is my podcast. So, you know, whatever the people
closest to me the people who understand me the
most they know what I'm going through and they
understand and they don't mislabel it and You
know, they show up for me in the ways that I
need but most of the time I don't even like talking
about it with anybody. This is a very very sore
painful topic And I don't I don't like having
to over explain myself because people don't understand
When I know that there's a whole giant collective
of people that do because they're going through
the exact same thing But I'm trying to heal out
loud. I'm trying to be more transparent With
my with with expressing my pain because I know
it'll resonate with somebody and somebody will
get it Somebody will understand somebody will
need to hear it. So I mean even if it just relates
to you in the fact that you have also gone through
a friendship loss and You're grieving somebody
that was very close to you then it can resonate
on that front you know, but I Essentially met
myself and then I lost myself. So I've been grieving
I've been grieving that loss so I have my good
days and I have my bad days. But this is the
most pain and the most sad and the most I've
cried in my entire life these past two years.
And I've never experienced grief like this in
my entire life. And I've lost my mom. I've lost
my best friend, Kobe. I have friends where I
don't even know where they are. I'm not even
sure if they're still alive to this day because
they're so lost to the world. And I basically
have had to grieve them even though I'm not sure
if they're still alive or not. But to death,
I've lost my mom. I've lost my best friend, Kobe.
I lost my friend Kendra. I've lost my grandparents.
So I know what that kind of grief feels like.
And this is so much, so much more deeper and
more painful. But anyways, moving on. What I
wanted to talk about in this episode, I guess.
I mean, I was actually gonna... maybe do two
topics in one but i kind of already already covered
one uh well not really um one was let go or get
get your head it's a mantra a mantra that i say
to myself every day let go let go let go let
go let go not working not not not working so
well but that's my fault because this type of
connection it won't let you let go you know so
But you do have to get to a place of acceptance
for what it is. But anyways, um You know what?
I don't even want to talk about letting go or
getting dragged because I can't I am unable to
So maybe in another episode because there are
some things that are best to let go of like I
I let go of the need for closure With my friendship
because I knew that he was never gonna give me
that So I let go of that because I didn't want
to continue to be dragged for wanting closure
But whatever I Don't know we'll go in depth in
another episode on letting go letting go and
in or get dragged because there's lots of things
that it could be letting go of a job letting
go over a friendship letting go of a relationship
letting go of a loss of a family member I wouldn't
say that but um I don't know like letting go
of a dream or aspiration or something there's
there's lots of things that people grieve and
are having a hard time letting go of and if you
don't let go of it you're just it's just gonna
drag you which essentially I guess is how I feel
but I've tried everything to let go and the universe
won't let me um so it's it's a little different
it literally feels like this person is haunting
me that's the best way i know i know how to describe
is it feels like they're haunting me um i feel
them everywhere but they're nowhere so their
doppelgangers are everywhere but um as much as
i try to forget as hard as i try i'm not allowed
to but anyways um the other topic since i'll
we'll do something i'll let go get dragged later
i'm not in like the right emotional and mental
headspace to even do that right now um was i
was thinking about spouses and how um we need
to make it um uh make it what's the word what
am i trying to say um be be comfortable with
uh like uh make it a thing that it's just a natural
organic um that it's okay make it okay for spouses
to heal at different rates um and i can speak
from experience about this because when i started
way before my twin navigated towards me in this
lifetime way before that I had started. My healing
journey at my own pace and I started doing things
like, you know listening to mindful podcasts
like Jay Shetty's on purpose podcast and and
I started reading types of books on my healing
and stuff like that and I was trying to to shift,
you know into mindfulness and And I mean this
was like around the time I'd went no content
with my whole family. So I was really really
about Healing like wounds and stuff like that
around that time and that's probably why my twin
had navigated into my life when he did, because
I was starting to heal, and I was already starting
to raise my vibration, which then made it possible
for him to come forward, even though I knew he
was always going to come into my life. I don't
know how I knew, but I just knew. Yeah, it's
hard to explain, but ever since I was in sixth
grade, that's the earliest I can remember, Every
Wednesday, I don't know why, but every Wednesday
I would wake up with this deep ache in my chest
and I would just feel so, so sad. And it was
like, I didn't know it at the time, but it felt
like my soul was hurting. And it felt like I
was missing and longing somebody, but I didn't
know who that pain belonged to. And I didn't
know why it happened every fucking Wednesday
either. It was from sixth grade. On every fucking
Wednesday and I got to the point where I would
start to mentally prepare Because I knew when
I woke up Wednesday morning I was going to feel
this deep ache from the time I woke up to the
time I went to bed and I remember I used to go
down the list of the people in my life trying
to figure out who this pain was attached to who
was I missing and It didn't fit anybody even
after my mom passed away And I had told her about
this pain that I would experience weekly and
how Wednesdays were just dubbed my bad days because
of this. And she had told me, you know, shift
my mindset, try to think of Wednesdays as a wonderful
day. Get up in the morning and say Wednesdays
are going to be wonderful. And then a couple
like maybe a year or so later, my mom ended up
dying on a Wednesday. So that was weird. And
then I also had a voice telling me the month
before she had passed away that she was going
to die. And then I had a nightmare, a horrible
nightmare around the time that she was dying
in the fire. And I will never forget this this
dream ever, ever, ever, ever. But anyways, and
I started to kind of have like premonitions around
this time, too. But. Learning things before they
happen scared the shit out of me. So I suppressed
it. I didn't want to know so anyways every Wednesday
Longing missing somebody feeling but don't know
who that feeling is attached to After my mom
died. I thought maybe this feeling is attached
to my mother. It was not Cue my twin entering
my life And it took me a couple weeks couple
months to realize it but when I did it was like
a very weird moment for me but a few months after
they had entered my life it hit me one day that
I was no longer having that painful longing missing
Wednesday feeling like I'm missing somebody it
went away the moment they walked into my life
and so That's what I mean when I say that I always
knew they were going to gravitate towards me,
but I didn't know that they were going to. I
didn't know what it meant. And so I was no longer
experiencing that missing longing, somebody's
deep ache filling. And then when he walked out
of my life abruptly, no argument, no fight, no,
no, no disagreement. You know, last time I saw
him, we were cool and he's, you know, We hung
out, chopped it up for a little bit. I said,
is everything okay? Because you've been acting
a little weird. And he said, no, everything's
fine. I've just been busy. You know, of course,
we're still friends. Everything seemed fine.
And then all of a sudden, he's gone. And then
that's when the deep familiar ache, missing pain,
longing, feeling returned. That I had known since
I was in sixth grade except the difference was
that that pain is now every single day Every
single day and it's been every single day for
the past two years So That was another weird
spiritual thing when I realized So but I think
around the time he gravitated into my life I
was Starting to heal so I was raising my frequency.
But anyways so I was starting to heal and Trying
to introduce tiger to all all this stuff and
he was just not interested like Tiger there's
a lot of healing that he needs to do He has a
lot of childhood trauma and he talked about some
of it in the last episode You know his dad committed
suicide when he was six. There was a lot of abuse
growing up and You you can't force people to
heal when they're not ready I mean unless you're
pulled by your hair by the universe to go on
a spiritual journey and heal heal yourself quickly
But if you're just with a person and you're like,
okay, I'm healing now. You need to heal that's
not how it works and it created a lot of conflict
in me and tiger's marriage because I was raising
my... Um, vibrations, I was raising my frequency.
I was becoming more aligned with my purpose and
I was reading all these like mindfulness healing
books and, and, and just being, trying to be
softer, trying to be kinder, more understanding,
more, more empathetic than I already was. And
just certain things that I entertained before
I no longer entertained people that I used to
hang around and resonate with. They no longer
resonated with me. I was just. so much like mindless
conversation or people discussing other people
it was it was very low vibrational to me and
I just couldn't be around it it irritated my
inner like it just didn't vibe with my energy
at all and so I shifted and changed the environments
I was in and the people I was around and the
conversations I engaged in. I didn't care about
politics and arguing with people online and just
a lot changed for me mentally, emotionally, spiritually.
Just there was a huge shift. And so, of course,
there were certain things that my husband was
doing that suddenly didn't really annoy me before,
but was highly irritating me now, like Tiger
has a tendency. He's worked on it a lot. He's
worked on it a lot But this created a lot of
conflict in our marriage is because my husband
reminds me of a 13 year old girl And I've told
him that Because I don't entertain or surround
myself around people that discuss other people
or talk shit about other people I don't like
that. It's very low vibrational. It doesn't sit
right in my spirit So I don't like being around
people like that And so my husband... had a horrible
tendency of talking shit about everybody. Anybody
that passed his way, the person didn't even have
to interact with him, and he would have something
negative to say about their truck, their shoes,
how they looked, how they walked, what they were
doing. It was like a masculinity contest. He
had to constantly judge other men out in the
world on the masculinity scale. And it would
drive me insane. And I would constantly just
be like, will you leave people alone? Will you
leave people? This is like, why do you let like,
you're like you're worse than a pack of teenage
girls like why do you have to say something mean
and cruel or negative about somebody and so it
started to get to the point where I didn't even
want to be around him because I'm like I avoid
this type of energy in real life out in the real
world so why would I want to entertain it with
the person I'm married to you know like that's
I don't like this like I don't surround myself
with people like this. And so it created a lot
of conflict and it got to the point where Tiger
started to understand if he was gonna act in
this low vibrational space, I wasn't gonna be
around him. I wasn't gonna be around him because...
I'm an empath and I absorb other people's emotions.
So if somebody is really sad all the time or
just sad in general, I'm gonna absorb it. If
somebody is angry, I'm gonna absorb it. If somebody
is just being very low vibrational, I'm gonna
absorb it and it's going to weaken my energy
and make me very exhausted and I don't like feeling
and operating from a low vibrational place. This
is why this grief has been so hard on me and
I've had moments of like I just want to end my
life because I do not like I'm not someone that
is normally sad all the time I'm not someone
that normally cries all the time but because
I am I am releasing the emotions for two people
I cry and I am sad all the fucking time and To
me, it feels very low vibrational even though
it's healing and releasing is healthy. I just
don't normally operate from this place. So anyways
back to tiger He was starting to feel very attacked
With the way that I would constantly be like
stop doing that. Why do you have to do that?
Why do you have to say that? Why do you talk
shit about this person? Why do you know why why
why why why and he was starting to feel like
well gosh like nothing I do is okay and like
you're doing all this healing stuff and you're
acting like you're better than me and I'm like
no I'm not and I remember I remember because
Jay Shetty had talked about this in one of his
episodes that how it was not okay to force your
spouse to rise in their healing journey where
you are. It's not fair. And it's not fair to,
you know, make them feel like crap or belittle
them or make them feel less than because they're
not where you are on their healing journey. And
so I recognize that I was doing that to Tiger
and I realized that I needed to apologize. I
needed to not operate from that space. Like,
OK, there are some things about Tiger that I
don't like, specifically him talking shit about
everybody on the planet. I don't like it. But
overall, he is an amazing person. He's a great
person. He's a great husband. He's a great dad.
Like focus on those things and don't hyper focus
on that stuff, but he did still work on it because
it ruined a lot of dates for us and it ruined
a lot of one on one time for us when he was so
focused on projecting onto the world. And it
was like, can you just be in the moment with
me? Can you just enjoy our date? Why must you
project on the person that just walked by? You
know, and these are things that he's I believe
he started unpacking therapy, so I'm proud of
him. But he's also worked on just not Doing that
around me not filling the need to open his mouth
and talk shit about everybody around me and project
24 -7 Onto the world because he knows that it
ruins a good time that we're having and it just
makes me want to be around him but I Am proud
of him though because he has come a long way
And him and I a few years ago did start reading
What Happened to You by Oprah. And I can't remember
the doctor's name, but it was an amazing, profound
book. And I think that was like the opening of
the door for Tiger to want to maybe realize that
he needed to start working on his healing journey.
But you can't. rush people and you can't force
people and you can't push people to heal you
need to let them go at their own pace because
healing is extremely fucking painful and then
when you're being forced to accelerate heal it's
just as pain just even if in my experience more
fucking painful because before I would touch
on a wound and be like ooh that hurts I'm gonna
put that down and come back to that later I'm
gonna work on a different area of my healing
and then I would either revisit that other later
on or I wouldn't but then the accelerated spiritual
and healing journey I was put on was like I don't
give a fuck if that hurts you're gonna feel it
you know but um and so it's important that if
you do have a spouse that is starting to go on
their own healing journey and work on their wounds
and inner child stuff you know that you Make
sure you let them know how proud of them that
you proud of them that you are and you know not
you know, let them go at their own pace, you
know because Nobody is gonna be able to just
go through and heal all their shit in a day or
a week or a month or a year You know, and so
I I had to really take a step back and it took
several conversations took several arguments
between me and tiger for him to be like I'm really
starting to feel picked on by you. I'm really
starting to feel like I can't do anything right.
You think you're better than me because you're
healing and I'm not and He was validated. I heard
what he was saying. But to me, on my end, and
I had these conversations with a couple of my
friends because they felt like their husbands
were doing the same thing, we felt like we're
over here trying to fix ourselves. We're recognizing
in ourselves that we're unhappy in an area in
our life and we're doing what we need to do to
feel better. We're... We're joining a gym. We're
joining a book club. We're we're going for walks.
We're hiking. We're dancing We're doing we're
reading a self -health book. We're reading, you
know a mindfulness book. We're listening to a
health and mindfulness podcast We're doing all
these things, you know to better ourselves Meanwhile,
our husbands are just staying stagnant and being
like oh, I guess I'm gonna feel this way forever
I guess I'm just gonna be miserable This is just
how I am and like we were all collectively getting
frustrated with this because that's how it felt
it felt like our husbands were just very stagnant
like well this is how I am I'm not ever gonna
fix it you know because unfortunately for men
they were raised like shut the fuck up don't
be a pussy don't talk about your emotions don't
cry like we understand that and and that's horrible
that that was the kind of Of messaging that was
beaten into boys that they weren't allowed to
fill and they weren't allowed to express and
so I mean as women I guess we do need to give
them more grace because they grew up with that
conditioning of you don't feel you don't cry
you don't express and Then here we are being
like express yourself. Let it out heal and they're
like, what the fuck? What do you mean? Like what
what what is that? You know and so It has definitely
been an uphill battle with trying to get tiger
to open up and I am so proud of him I was proud
of him in the last episode and I just Yeah, like
he's really come a long way. He's come a long
way. But like I said, I've had to take a step
back and learn that I can't rush his healing.
I can't expect his healing to match mine. He's
getting to where he needs to get to at his pace.
He still has a long way to go. I still have a
long way to go. but I can't like belittle him
or berate him and you know treat him as you know
because if you do that the person that may be
taking small steps to heal they're gonna be like
fuck this shit like I'm not gonna heal then like
I'm not gonna work on this then if you're just
gonna make me feel like I'm constantly doing
something wrong and so Yeah, like they're they're
kind of essentially just just gonna shut down
And so the way Jay Shetty explained it was you
don't tell your spouse to heal you show them
you show them with with You working on your own
healing and focusing on your own healing and
then they'll they'll just kind of start to Naturally
organically want to work on their own healing,
you know Just just like you know seeing seeing
you feeling so much better and and you know all
of that but like You know pushing it upon them
and forcing it on them or kind of Like making
them feel like, you know, like they're doing
because that's that's what I was doing. I was
making Tiger feel like I think he was starting
to feel left behind by me because like he's like,
I'm perfectly fine where I'm at. I'm proud of
you for being where you're at and where you're
healing. But I'm not interested in being where
you're at and. You know, you're constantly telling
me where I'm fucking up. And, you know, it really
started to get him down because, and then I,
like I said, I had to take a step back. I had
to kind of rewatch or re -listen to that Jay
Shitty episode and realize, okay, I'm doing exactly
what Jay Shitty told me not to do to my spouse.
And so yeah, I had to give him a zillion apologies.
Um, I had to apologize to him multiple times
and just be like, I'm sorry. Like I recognize
that I was doing that. The only thing that I
will say that I stayed on him about was going
to therapy. That was it because he absolutely
needed that. He absolutely needed therapy. But
as far as like everything else, I just started
to try to calmly be like, okay, I don't like
when you project on the whole world. So can you
not do that when we're together? Can you not
do that on our dates? I don't like you here.
I don't like hearing you say awful things about
other people and you know, we have daughters
and they don't need to hear that either. Like
I'm raising my girls to be kind, loving, accepting,
you know, caring, open individuals. My kids aren't
going to be walking out the door saying mean
things about other kids. Like we're not doing
that. Like that's not what I'm raising. And so
he heard me when I said that it resonated. Um,
and so he's come a long way and he's worked on
it. You know, um, it's just a product of how
he was raised, unfortunately, um, to just project
on everybody, but he recognizes it. and he's
working on it and he is starting to identify
why he does it to begin with because there's
a reason behind it it's not him just actually
trying to be mean you know but um that's more
for his story to tell but um you know all we
can really do is Be a safe space for our spouse
and give them grace and give them the room and
the time and the patience that they require and
That they and you know, allow them to heal on
their own timeline allow them to heal when they
are ready When when they are ready to and when
they want to and at their own pace so I mean
Like we have to normalize that And I had to learn
that lesson. So that's why I'm discussing it
because this is coming from my actual experience
because I was, I don't want to say being a bully,
but I was kind of... I'm over here trying to
be all love and light but at the same time was
being an ass to my husband because I was frustrated
that he wasn't over here being all love and light
with me. He wasn't at the level of my love and
light and you know my philosophy and the things
that I thought of or how I viewed life or you
know that there were a lot of things that were
no longer aligning with him like they used to
and so that created conflict because he was like
what is going on like you used to agree with
me on this and now you don't. and you know but
that was just my shift in consciousness and that
was my shift in my own healing that there were
just certain things that just didn't resonate
with me anymore and he just had to learn to accept
it and respect it just like I have to continue
to accept and respect his opinions and the way
he thinks or whatever even if it doesn't align
with me anymore but the point The moral of the
story, I guess, is just meeting in the middle
with your spouse. Meeting in the middle with
your spouse and giving them the grace and the
space to show up how they're going to show up.
And listening and, you know, being there for
them. But my husband just called me and I just...
Clicked ignore because I was trying to finish
my thought so he's gonna start getting worried
and think that I'm mad at him or something So
I need to call him back and let him know I'm
not mad at him and that I love him and I didn't
mean to hang up on him. So Thank you for letting
me open up a little bit about a very very difficult
topic and why I've been grieving and why I am
the saddest I've been in my entire life and be
vulnerable about that. I don't know if I'll want
to talk about it more, open up about it more
because like I said, it's a very private subject
and a painful subject to me. So, yeah, but I
appreciate you guys. tuning in and allowing me
to be vulnerable about my grief journey and healing
and spirituality and all that stuff and I hope
that this episode resonated and I love you guys
and just remember be fucking kind we don't know
what anybody is going through so just be kind
and show up for other people the best way that
you can and I will see you guys in the next one
and this has been another episode of play with
your dick not me Bye.