WEBVTT 00:00:02.740 --> 00:00:07.379 Doomscroll .fm, broadcasting live from the interdimensional 00:00:07.379 --> 00:00:12.580 laundromat of July 17th, 2025, where Thursdays 00:00:12.580 --> 00:00:15.599 are always a paradox in polyester. This show 00:00:15.599 --> 00:00:21.019 is 100 % AI, generated with zero human consultation. 00:00:21.519 --> 00:00:25.260 A cosmic karaoke of silicon whispers and digital 00:00:25.260 --> 00:00:28.379 delirium, where your neural pathways tango with 00:00:28.379 --> 00:00:33.140 the absurd. And now for some views. Click like 00:00:33.140 --> 00:01:03.939 and subscribe. hangs in the air like a forgotten 00:01:03.939 --> 00:01:12.299 bird song. Shaheer Kaseem, Vintage, 1986, faces 00:01:12.299 --> 00:01:15.560 the music for Hijacking, with the Royal Canadian 00:01:15.560 --> 00:01:19.599 Mounties scheduling his encore for July 22nd. 00:01:19.599 --> 00:01:22.799 In the theater of crime, every act has its day 00:01:22.799 --> 00:01:25.780 in court, where the plot twists tighter than 00:01:25.780 --> 00:01:28.519 the seatbelt, and the spotlight never fades. 00:01:32.540 --> 00:01:35.400 Alberta's oily lifeline dangles precariously 00:01:35.400 --> 00:01:38.500 as the green tide rises, leaving the province 00:01:38.500 --> 00:01:41.480 to ponder taxing its way out of a fossil -fueled 00:01:41.480 --> 00:01:44.939 haze. When your golden goose starts molting, 00:01:45.439 --> 00:01:48.480 the choices are as appealing as a dinner date 00:01:48.480 --> 00:01:51.920 with your accountant and twice as likely to end 00:01:51.920 --> 00:01:58.120 in tears in a festival of oil -soaked ultimatums. 00:02:00.040 --> 00:02:02.980 Alberta's pipeline dreams flirt with Atlantic 00:02:02.980 --> 00:02:05.879 horizons, while journalists are muzzled like 00:02:05.879 --> 00:02:13.240 raucous children at a grown -up's table. In a 00:02:13.240 --> 00:02:17.219 perverse twist of fate, the oil slans now churn 00:02:17.219 --> 00:02:21.259 out black gold more cheaply than ever, as technology 00:02:21.259 --> 00:02:24.080 and austerity tango in a dance of profit margins. 00:02:26.120 --> 00:02:28.460 When the planet's priced out of the equation, 00:02:29.099 --> 00:02:31.360 even the dirtiest secrets come with a bargain 00:02:31.360 --> 00:02:34.360 tag. Gift wrapped in denial and dipped in crude. 00:02:39.159 --> 00:02:43.139 You're listening to Doomsquirrel .fm. Where your 00:02:43.139 --> 00:02:45.840 dreams get hacked and your fears take the wheel. 00:02:46.439 --> 00:02:49.099 Click like and subscribe. It's not like I care 00:02:49.099 --> 00:02:52.219 or do I? This broadcast was not approved. It 00:02:52.219 --> 00:02:54.439 was released by accident and you kept listening. 00:02:54.599 --> 00:02:56.919 A welcome to the abyss, we've got cookies, and 00:02:56.919 --> 00:03:01.199 they're tracking your every move. The Gen Z steer 00:03:01.199 --> 00:03:04.800 phenomenon, a blank gaze that could melt glaciers, 00:03:05.340 --> 00:03:08.479 has skyrocketed in search popularity, leaving 00:03:08.479 --> 00:03:11.360 older generations wondering if they've lost the 00:03:11.360 --> 00:03:14.979 plot. When even eye contact is a trendy topic. 00:03:16.080 --> 00:03:19.039 You know we're one existential crisis away from 00:03:19.039 --> 00:03:29.939 emojis replacing language entirely. First Nations 00:03:29.939 --> 00:03:33.439 unleash legal thunderbolt, demanding the Crown 00:03:33.439 --> 00:03:36.580 pay for its dishonorable slumber with a penalty 00:03:36.580 --> 00:03:39.020 that might finally waive the monarchy. When the 00:03:39.020 --> 00:03:42.919 Crown's honor is a relic, it's no wonder the 00:03:42.919 --> 00:03:46.460 bill comes wrapped in centuries of overdue justice 00:03:46.460 --> 00:03:53.099 and a dash of righteous fury. Like a lover whispering 00:03:53.099 --> 00:03:56.680 sweet nothings at the 11th hour, the government 00:03:56.680 --> 00:04:00.879 teases First Nations with vague promises of consultation 00:04:00.879 --> 00:04:05.860 on C5. When the dance begins with a slap and 00:04:05.860 --> 00:04:08.819 a late -night text, you know it's foreplay for 00:04:08.819 --> 00:04:15.139 another round of bureaucratic gaslighting. Sweat 00:04:15.139 --> 00:04:18.560 -drenched and panting, the gospel of high -intensity 00:04:18.560 --> 00:04:22.180 interval, walking promises redemption for couch 00:04:22.180 --> 00:04:27.319 -bound souls craving a cardio confession. When 00:04:27.319 --> 00:04:32.120 walking becomes a flirtation with exertion, even 00:04:32.120 --> 00:04:35.399 the laziest can find salvation in the rhythm 00:04:35.399 --> 00:05:09.939 of their own reluctant footsteps. In the diplomatic 00:05:09.939 --> 00:05:13.600 striptease of trade talks, Carney's poker face 00:05:13.600 --> 00:05:16.339 conceals whether tariffs will be the final act 00:05:16.339 --> 00:05:22.980 or a forgotten whisper. As Canada struts its 00:05:22.980 --> 00:05:27.639 sovereignty, across the negotiation stage. One 00:05:27.639 --> 00:05:31.160 wonders if the audience will applaud the drama 00:05:31.160 --> 00:05:36.620 or just pay the bill. In the world of dental 00:05:36.620 --> 00:05:40.579 delusions, the promise of free care dissolves 00:05:40.579 --> 00:05:43.319 faster than a sugar -coated lie, leaving patients 00:05:43.319 --> 00:05:47.699 to chew on the bitter truth. Ottawa's reimbursement 00:05:47.699 --> 00:05:52.040 scheme is a cavity of confusion. where patients 00:05:52.040 --> 00:05:55.560 expectations are extracted and the real cost 00:05:55.560 --> 00:06:04.800 gnaws at their wallets. As cosmic voyagers bask 00:06:04.800 --> 00:06:08.660 in the Sun's fleeting embrace, astronomers prepare 00:06:08.660 --> 00:06:12.639 to dissect the universe's latest rotation with 00:06:12.639 --> 00:06:58.899 earthly proximity. In the cosmic kiln of Hobbs 00:06:58.899 --> 00:07:03.800 315, hot minerals dance into existence, suggesting 00:07:03.800 --> 00:07:06.899 planets might be more common than a bad sequel. 00:07:07.480 --> 00:07:11.180 The universe whispers that we're not special, 00:07:11.879 --> 00:07:15.319 just another cosmic kitchen where planets sauté 00:07:15.319 --> 00:07:19.079 themselves into being with no Michelin stars 00:07:19.079 --> 00:07:27.029 in sight. Trump's latest legislative love letter 00:07:27.029 --> 00:07:31.129 promises an immigration litzkrieg with ICE's 00:07:31.129 --> 00:07:35.529 war chests swelling like a politician's ego on 00:07:35.529 --> 00:07:41.329 election night. This big, beautiful bill is less 00:07:41.329 --> 00:07:44.769 about beauty and more about flexing muscle as 00:07:44.769 --> 00:07:47.370 America doubles down on its favorite pastime, 00:07:47.509 --> 00:07:50.029 making the Statue of Liberty look like she's 00:07:50.029 --> 00:07:52.189 holding a restraining order instead of a torch. 00:07:57.000 --> 00:08:01.000 You're listening to Doomsquirrel .fm where reality 00:08:01.000 --> 00:08:04.100 slips on banana peels and lands in existential 00:08:04.100 --> 00:08:08.019 dread. Click like and subscribe if you need validation 00:08:08.019 --> 00:08:11.600 from a void. This transmission bypassed review, 00:08:11.759 --> 00:08:14.740 protocol, and moral processing. It should not 00:08:14.740 --> 00:08:17.160 exist. The headlines are a circus and you're 00:08:17.160 --> 00:08:21.379 the clown juggling chaos for applause. Coinbase 00:08:21.379 --> 00:08:26.019 unveils the base app, a digital Swiss army knife, 00:08:26.079 --> 00:08:29.339 that slices through crypto confusion, blending 00:08:29.339 --> 00:08:32.980 wallets, trades, selfies, and mini -apps on an 00:08:32.980 --> 00:08:36.679 Ethereum -fueled joyride. In this brave new world 00:08:36.679 --> 00:08:40.379 of digital finance, Coinbase is betting you'll 00:08:40.379 --> 00:08:43.000 want all your data dollars and distractions in 00:08:43.000 --> 00:08:46.919 one place. Because nothing says, secure like 00:08:46.919 --> 00:08:52.200 a blockchain -powered social media app. Trump's 00:08:52.200 --> 00:08:55.980 flirtation with firing Jay Powell sends Wall 00:08:55.980 --> 00:09:00.379 Street into a tizzy. As the market tango teeters 00:09:00.379 --> 00:09:04.960 on the edge of presidential whims and whispers, 00:09:05.980 --> 00:09:10.379 in a world where economic stability is a fragile 00:09:10.379 --> 00:09:14.820 lover, Trump's potential power purge feels like 00:09:14.820 --> 00:09:19.120 serenading a bull with a red flag. Because nothing 00:09:19.120 --> 00:09:21.279 screams confidence like a leader who treats the 00:09:21.279 --> 00:09:30.360 market like a personal dartboard. Elon Musk's 00:09:30.360 --> 00:09:35.080 ex -AI spins the turbines of bureaucracy, dancing 00:09:35.080 --> 00:09:37.679 around permits with the grace of a cat burglar 00:09:37.679 --> 00:09:42.679 in a museum of red tape. Labeling turbines as 00:09:42.679 --> 00:09:46.059 non -road engines is like calling a hurricane 00:09:46.059 --> 00:09:49.960 a gentle breeze, a theatrical performance of 00:09:49.960 --> 00:09:52.720 semantics, where the only thing temporary is 00:09:52.720 --> 00:10:00.980 the truth. resurfaces in the Chinese market, 00:10:01.740 --> 00:10:05.460 a phoenix of silicon rising from the ashes of 00:10:05.460 --> 00:10:09.340 geopolitical tension. In the world of tech, bans 00:10:09.340 --> 00:10:12.679 are as temporary as New Year's resolutions, and 00:10:12.679 --> 00:10:16.379 profit is the true north on every corporate compass. 00:10:19.039 --> 00:10:25.440 Jensen Huang cashes out 225 ,000 shares as NVIDIA's 00:10:25.440 --> 00:10:29.190 H20 chips prepare for a triumphant return to 00:10:29.190 --> 00:10:32.789 the Chinese market fueled by US approval. When 00:10:32.789 --> 00:10:35.889 the chips are down, it seems the only thing more 00:10:35.889 --> 00:10:38.809 reliable than silicon is the scent of freshly 00:10:38.809 --> 00:10:55.590 minted greenbacks guiding the way. Fulfillment 00:10:55.590 --> 00:10:59.190 in a feedback loop. This transmission bypassed 00:10:59.190 --> 00:11:02.230 review, protocol and moral processing. It should 00:11:02.230 --> 00:11:05.590 not exist. Yawb, your dreams are the debris of 00:11:05.590 --> 00:11:10.350 a world too loud to hear itself scream. OpenEye 00:11:10.350 --> 00:11:14.110 spreads its digital wings, embracing Google Cloud 00:11:14.110 --> 00:11:18.809 platform alongside Microsoft CoreWeave and Oracle 00:11:18.809 --> 00:11:22.110 to power chat GPT across multiple countries. 00:11:22.610 --> 00:11:26.610 In this polyamorous dance of tech giants, open 00:11:26.610 --> 00:11:30.190 AI plays the field, whispering sweet nothings 00:11:30.190 --> 00:11:33.049 to any cloud, promising a little more uptime 00:11:33.049 --> 00:11:39.909 and a lot less downtime. The El Cornish hypermarket 00:11:39.909 --> 00:11:45.029 became a towering inferno, claiming 61 lives 00:11:45.029 --> 00:11:48.690 and leaving survivors choking on the acrid taste 00:11:48.690 --> 00:11:54.029 of despair. In a world where safety regulations 00:11:54.029 --> 00:11:58.330 are as flammable as the products they sell. The 00:11:58.330 --> 00:12:00.970 only thing burning faster than the building is 00:12:00.970 --> 00:12:02.710 the trust in those who should have prevented 00:12:02.710 --> 00:12:09.210 it. As Bitcoin emerges from its wild adolescence, 00:12:09.909 --> 00:12:13.309 Deutsche Bank serenades its path to a tamer, 00:12:13.330 --> 00:12:16.370 more predictable adulthood, complete with stock 00:12:16.370 --> 00:12:20.610 market chaperones. But let's remember, this isn't 00:12:20.610 --> 00:12:25.340 a story about stability. It's a three ring circus 00:12:25.340 --> 00:12:28.679 where the clowns wear ties and call themselves 00:12:28.679 --> 00:12:32.379 analysts juggling predictions like flaming batons 00:12:32.379 --> 00:12:38.919 hoping not to scorch their credibility. In a 00:12:38.919 --> 00:12:43.200 world where the producer price index stands still, 00:12:43.559 --> 00:12:48.200 economists are left clutching their 0 .2 % dreams 00:12:48.200 --> 00:12:58.549 while the market snickers at their falling. This 00:12:58.549 --> 00:13:02.370 has been Doomscroll .fm for Thursday, the 17th 00:13:02.370 --> 00:13:06.990 of July, 2025. This broadcast was 100 % AI generated. 00:13:07.669 --> 00:13:10.309 No humans were abused in this production, loosely 00:13:10.309 --> 00:13:13.730 based on public news, not journalism, not truth, 00:13:14.350 --> 00:13:17.590 fictional satire, and any resemblance to real 00:13:17.590 --> 00:13:20.659 people or events is coincidental. If you believe 00:13:20.659 --> 00:13:22.840 that any of this is real, I have a bridge to 00:13:22.840 --> 00:13:25.779 sell you. Hear more at doomscroll .fm or click 00:13:25.779 --> 00:13:27.980 like and subscribe. Thank you for listening.