Welcome to Don't Scare the Newbies, a podcast
where we talk kink, raw and unfiltered. I'm Carisel,
a lifestyle submissive in a 24 -7 dynamic who
likes their kink heavy, intense and scary. And
I'm S, Carisel's dominant, who delivers all of
the above. And today we're going to be continuing
our two -part episode on rules and contracts.
This one, part two, we're going to be focusing
on all of the rules that I follow, which is quite
lengthy. There are no rules! There are several
rules. Many, many. Sweet. So I'll start us off
talking about a little bit of a recap on what
we talked about in the last episode. If you're
binging, I am so sorry, but I do have to assume
that some people are listening to this week to
week. So I think it's important to get that out
of the way and then we'll crack on with some
new content. So rules, contracts, all of that,
it forms the structure of our relationship, which
is very much the foundation of what everything
is built on. We talked a little bit about how
it's really important to have some of that stuff
formalized because with how complex DS relationships
and any kind of power exchange can get, it can
very easily become a bit unwieldy and a bit confusing
and things can be forgotten. You know, some of
the rules that I follow on a daily basis are
things that we agreed in the first couple. couple
of weeks that we were dating yeah and i mean
i'm doing them every day so i'd be unlikely to
have forgotten them but some things maybe don't
come up as often particularly some of the structure
of the contract might be for circumstances that
we don't really deal with very often or haven't
even dealt with yet and things like that if we
didn't have them written down to refer back to
we would forget as we talked about in the last
episode even stuff that is written down occasionally
slips out of focus there was that really nice
little bit of protocol that's in the contract
about if i'm unable to to complete an instruction
or i'm able to do something that's I will kneel
and apologise to you and leave it up to you what
you want to do about that. And I have not been
kneeling for that for many months. And given
that we have a very big liking of that kind of
protocol stuff, it was kind of surprising to
find that again. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. We should
be doing that, shouldn't we? So that kind of
thing even happening with the formal structure
that we have, it's very easy to see how things
could slip out of focus if you didn't have that
in place. And I think it's also... something
that we reflected on it's actually a really nice
way of capturing like a snapshot of the values
of our relationship and the priorities for us
yeah yeah and and well i don't know what to say
other than to agree i like when you agree yeah
it's always nice yeah those those fixed things
that are that are the kind of the core of our
dynamic that are important to us and provide
that kind of framework around all of the rules
and stuff that we have, which are sometimes a
little bit more variable, a little bit more fluid.
Yes. And that fluid stuff is the stuff we're
going to be talking about in this episode. So
the rules document actually includes a few other
things as well as the rules. It includes the
rules, but it also includes my limits. It includes
punishment and how that works. And it includes
protocol, which has a lot of overlap with the
rules. Trying to define exactly what is a rule
and what is a protocol would be a little bit
tricky, especially as protocol breaches are also
punishable, just as all of the rules are. But
it's a distinction that we'll talk about a little
more as we go. Yeah. And, you know, the rules
that we're going to talk about today, the set
of rules that we've got at the moment, aren't
the ones that we started with. No. You know,
we gradually added to them. over time um i can't
remember how many pages it is now it's like four
or five pages of rules or something like that
which feels bonkers um that's a product of a
lot of it's a product of a lot of work isn't
it and a lot of building on on what was already
there and thinking about new areas where you
wanted to give up control or i wanted to take
control or have a firmer um kind of approach
to it and i think the you know the rules that
we had in the early stage of our relationship
where you know there's four or five of them wasn't
there which was basically um make sure you eat
a proper meal every day i think there might have
been something in there about how making sure
you have a shower Yeah, there was one around
making sure I took my medication, around skin
picking, which was a big problem. It's something
I've always had a big problem with and had been
particularly bad around that period of time after
my last relationship ended, which also had a
rule about skin picking. I had just started the
bad habit stroke back up again because I could.
It was not wise in hindsight, but good to get
that back under control. But entirely reasonable,
I suppose. You know, from your perspective, you
had been in a really heavy... dynamic before
that and you weren't anymore and it's almost
like an act of rebellion i suppose to go actually
i can i can so i will i think there's an element
of that and there was also an element of however
long i go without doing it it's not a habit that
fully breaks for me i always have the urge and
that's something that i managed through taking
good care of my skin to try to avoid rough patches
forming and things like that But it's not like
you never stop getting sort of hangnails and
rough bits of cuticle. And I always have the
desire to pick them. So as soon as there were
no consequences to doing it, other than my hands
looking like shit, I got back on with it. Plus
I'd have that little spot on the back of my neck
at the time, which I'd turned into a crater and
then into a giant callus. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I
showed that to you and you were like, yeah, we're
going to put a stop to that. I was like, no,
no. And it had been there for ages, hadn't it?
And it just wouldn't go away. And then as soon
as I said... stop doing that you stop doing it
yeah and miraculously as if by magic it healed
and it went away yeah who would who would have
thought who could have predicted yeah i think
that where we started with those rules is is
actually a really good place for a lot of people
who are thinking about introducing rules into
their dynamic or exploring that ds dynamic is
um I don't think I can take full credit for what
I'm about to say, but I have co -opted it as
my own. So I'm going to take credit for it now.
I support you. I have an approach to rules which
kind of breaks them down into three broad, possibly
overlapping areas, I suppose. The first one,
first group, is rules that are about maintaining
or improving the health and well -being of the
submissive. So making sure that you eat properly,
making sure that you take your medication, making
sure that you are exercising, stuff like that.
And I think that's a really nice, neat way to
start with exploring rules because it requires
the submissive to do something, but it's not
necessarily something that is massively out of
habit or it would have a direct benefit for them.
And that's important to me personally because
a big part of my dominance is about kind of taking
care of you. The other one, the other types of
rules that we'll talk about as we go through
is the ones that reinforce the dynamic itself.
Yeah. So protocol is a really big part of that.
And then there's the third group, which is a
little bit harder to define of just because I
can. Yeah. It's about control for the sake of
it. Me exerting control because that is an option
to me. There's no real benefit other than control.
Yeah. And that's much more of a one -way thing
than the protocol because I think the protocol
rules are kind of a two -way. That's what I was
going to say is those two last categories definitely
have some overlap. But the way that I differentiate
between those is that the rules that are there
to reinforce the dynamic, as you say, they create
things for both of us to do, work for both of
us to do, although the rules are only enforced
on me. Protocol is something that you are actively
engaged with. You're interacting with that, even
if you aren't sort of having things that you
have to do to avoid getting in trouble. you're
still a participant where the rules that are
about just because you can just about exerting
your control you might not even witness me doing
those things but you're still making me do it
because you can yeah yeah yeah and as we go through
you'll you'll kind of see there's no that's not
how we've organized the rules but i think broadly
speaking all of our rules kind of fall into one
of those one of those categories with a little
bit of overlap but i think that's a helpful way
to think about how you frame a set of rules But
it also gives you a way of building up as you
go. So start with the stuff that is just about
taking care of you and making sure that you're
doing the things that you should be to be a reasonably
well -functioning human being. Then focus on
the dynamic and then just have fun with it. Yeah.
Just because I can. Yeah, because I think we
have maybe one or two little bits of protocol
in the early days as well. But like you say,
the main focus was on those well -being rules,
especially because my routine had kind of gone
to hell. um having because it wasn't that long
after i'd gone through the breakup i was still
kind of relearning how to be a person so it was
things like that that you put in place to get
me back to a good healthy starting point to start
building a new dynamic but we put in a bit of
protocol early on because that was something
i had less experience with than you but was really
interested in and it's something that's really
important to you yeah we're like okay let's integrate
that from the start so i think the starting point
with rules it's good to to get a good foundation,
but also start kind of almost setting an intention
of where the dynamic is going to go. So if you
know that you're aiming for something quite high
protocol, starting with some protocol in there
means that that's not coming out of nowhere when
you do introduce it. Yeah. And I think the way
that we develop the rules by gradually adding
to them as well, it's very good for getting used
to the rules, embedding them into habit, you
know, not finding them unmanageable. But it's
also really good for people who maybe aren't
sure how far they want power exchange to go,
where we were very clear from the start that
I like. things to go into total power exchange
or close to it you hadn't experienced that before
but you were interested in in taking a dynamic
further than you had previously and even if not
reaching full total power exchange you definitely
wanted to point in that direction yeah yeah you
had a clear idea that some people really aren't
sure how much they want to deal with it and so
adding things gradually can allow you to figure
out where a comfortable stopping point is yeah
i think so i think so and i think that i think
the really interesting thing for me about how
we how we did that is that we you know we started
off with that core set of rules and then kind
of regularly talking about what we could add
to it and it was almost like before we knew it
without realizing we actually had an almost total
power exchange the the number of rules the breadth
of the rules the specificness of them you know
we we fairly quickly i think got to a point felt
to me quite quick anyway where it's like not
really sure what other rules we could add at
this point There aren't many areas of your life
where I don't have some level of oversight or
control. And I think we got there quicker than
I thought, but it didn't feel rushed and it didn't
feel overwhelming because we did it like a chunk
at a time. Yeah, definitely. And it's not that
I think there's a right pace, really. I think
that's going to be different for everybody. There's
maybe a few wrong paces, you know, going to total
power exchange in a week. I'm not going to say
absolutely no one should do it ever, but I would
say it's very unlikely to lead to a healthy power
exchange. But sort of any sort of reasonable
time frame, people need to go at the pace that's
comfortable for them. Yeah. It's helpful to have
some discussions early on about where you see
it heading, being open to that changing as well.
like i said you weren't sure if total power exchange
was where you wanted to end up and we figured
it out on the way you really embraced that and
leaned into it and yeah now probably consider
that as a sort of an important thing to you as
as it is to me yeah yeah i think so i think it's
like i think i said in in the previous episode
this is probably the first relationship i've
been in where it felt like in its entirety kind
of authentic yeah and and a big part of that
is is is down to the way that we've set up a
contract and all of the rules which is Which
is amazing. Yes, it really is. As I also said
last time, it's also partly because you are amazing
and incredibly hot. You're also amazing and incredibly
hot. But it's interesting, isn't it, that...
I think both of us have had the experience. We've
had it at different times because I'd experienced
this kind of dynamic before. But the experience
of not really knowing what you needed from a
power exchange until you were like neck deep
in it. I didn't even know I wanted power exchange
until the first kinky relationship I had, which
had a very sort of loose, very light dynamic.
And I hadn't been looking for that. And we just
sort of fell into it. But even just that little
taste of it was enough that I was like, that's
the missing piece. That's what all my relationships
have been missing. I need to pull up that thread
and see where it goes. And I remember in that
relationship, it ended up falling apart. And
we had a big sort of argument about how poorly
negotiated the dynamic was among other things
and the lack of clarity on it. And that person
sort of said, like, I didn't realise you wanted
more from this. Like, I don't want to micromanage
someone. And I said to them, like, well, I don't
really want to be micromanaged. I just, I want
more than what we've got. And that relationship
ended. And within six months of that, I was actively
seeking being micromanaged. Which I genuinely
hadn't just been saying that to sort of... people
please or try to find compromise i genuinely
when we were having that conversation was like
well no obviously i don't want anything too intense
i just i just need a little bit more than we've
got because i had a little bit more i wanted
a little bit more and i wanted a little bit more
and before i knew it i was in a relationship
where i was asking permission to you know feed
myself and things like that and it was like actually
yeah i do really thrive with a really high level
of control yeah yeah I think there's something
for you about structure in that, isn't there?
And there's the structure that comes with that
type of dynamic and the discipline that comes
along with it. Yeah. And it's the same for, you
know, a relationship that I had previously where
almost all of our rules were about supporting
them to successfully function as a human being.
Yeah. You know, and that sounds, I don't mean
that in a critical way. They recognised, like
you do, that they needed that push. to make sure
they were taking care of themselves so that they
felt like a successful, functioning human being.
And that's probably where a lot of my kind of
caregiving type vibe comes from as well, because
that was a really heavy element to that. Which
I just find dead interesting, because I think
I would really struggle with somebody micromanaging
me. Like all good dominants, I think I would
be a disgraceful brat. And would... school my
dominant on malicious compliance. Because that
doesn't appeal to me. But micromanaging someone
and having that control over someone is... It's
amazing. Or I'm the exact opposite, where I love
having some really strong leadership and direction
in my life and having someone who's making all
those decisions for me. Like, give me a life
where I don't have to make a single decision
and I just have to follow the rules and do what
I'm told. Perfect. If I was put in control of
someone else's life, I would simply lie down
and cry. I could not cope with that. The responsibility,
the stress. I would overthink every little decision,
even if it was things like, can I treat myself
to a coffee this morning? I would, like, what
if I make the wrong choice and it ruins their
life? Yeah. And there is a little bit of that,
I think, you know. So we have, don't want to
give spoilers, but we have a rule about the way
that you spend your money. Yeah. And on the one
hand, the idea of saying no to you is really
appealing. just to kind of as that kind of pull
on the leash in like not not to be mean spirited
about it but there is there is a part of me that
goes yeah just to tug on the leash to remind
them of their place or versus why would i deny
them buying a book or buying a i was going to
say buying a pal i do sometimes deny you buying
a pal but not very often yeah you know so there
is that kind of push and pull in my head about
making the right decision yeah in that in that
moment and i think the only reason you say no
when i'm like can i can i go to build a bear
is because we have so many yeah it's not money
and it's not control it's purely like where would
we put it yeah yeah yeah yeah and that is the
only you know that is the only time i will ever
say no is like if you've been on it if you've
had a period because it seems to come in little
clumps doesn't it you go a little while without
seeing a pal that you like and then you'll see
three in a week yeah because builder bear always
released like five at once that's usually the
problem in my life yeah yeah but but but i think
that that concern you would have about making
the wrong decisions is is an important one yeah
i guess there's something about being consistent
in the decisions that you are given control over
and just being reasonable as well, because it's
a really subtle way of thinking about it. The
power doesn't come in the decision. The power
comes in being given the decision to make. So
I'm not saying that the decision doesn't matter,
but that's not really where the power is. That's
not really where the power exchange is in that
transaction. It's the power. I've delegated it
to you. Yeah, yeah. You're asking permission
to do something which the vast majority of people
in the world just do. Yeah. So that the outcome
of it is less important, I think, anyway. So
how does that feel? What's your perspective on
that then? I agree. Yeah, I think there's definitely
times when I ask you permission to do something
mixed or just ask your opinion, even outside
of the formal rules, because I do like to go
to you for my decisions, even if it's not absolutely
mandatory. It's that I do also trust you to make
good decisions. You are a responsible person.
You have a lot of wisdom. the the choices that
you make in your life are good and you you have
a quality of life that reflects that you've made
a lot of good choices so i do value your input
on that but i've also been in positions where
i was asking a dominant things where we had probably
equal kind of life experience or knowledge on
something or potentially even i might have known
a little bit more and it still feels good to
have that that power in someone else's hands
Because I think a good dominant will always take
into account my knowledge and my insight into
a situation. But what's good for me is partly
the transfer of authority in that feels really
good to me to hand that over to you, both in
terms of that feeling really freeing to me from
having my head less tied up in agonising over
my own decisions. Partly because it's hot for
you to have that level of control over me, like
the sort of slight dehumanisation of not even
having... I have full access to my money, but
I don't have full control over what I do with
it. It's not like you're taking it off me, but
you can decide whether or not I'm allowed to
spend it on non -essentials. The other things
that we'll talk about as we go through, like
things around asking permission to use the toilet
and needing to wait to be invited onto the furniture.
It's not that you're not going to allow me to
do things that I need to do as part of my day
-to -day life. It's the handing over of control
where... Well, I don't have that anymore and
you do, but I feel really exciting. I think there's
an element of it for me of feeling, feeling like
it keeps us closer, like it keeps you more involved,
like even these really mundane things that in
a vanilla relationship, you would take no interest
in how many times in a day I sit on the couch
or go to the toilet. But because I have to come
to you for those decisions, it creates more of
a tether between your life and mine, which I
really like. Yeah, I think that's really fair.
You know, sometimes our entire day's worth of
exchange on WhatsApp is, can I go to the toilet?
Can I buy a book? Here's what I had for lunch.
Yeah. If we didn't live together, I imagine we
would text about some other things too. But that's
when you're upstairs and I'm downstairs and I
don't want to yell over the music. Yeah, yeah.
That's what you get from me. Yeah. And it is,
you know, it's a bit, if you scroll back to our
history, it looks a bit silly. But it's also
really nice. Again, it's that little tug on the
leash. Yeah. Five or six times a day there is
that small reminder, that small moment of our
dynamic at play, which is really good to have
that so present in our daily life when I'm upstairs
doing my silly little tasks on my laptop to get
that reminder. Yeah. It's really good. To the
point that you were making earlier on about overthinking
decisions, I think on the assumption that the
person who is making the decision is not just
an arsehole, That actually that probably isn't
a wrong decision. Yeah. I think the reason I
would overthink it is because I don't like having
the decisions even for me. Yeah, yeah. So part
of what I like about our dynamic is that I don't
end up overthinking my decisions because I'm
handing them over to you. Like you say, most
of them are not, they are not life or death decisions.
They are not things that are going to have a
major impact on my life or our lives or anyone's
life. But if I was left with them, I mean, I
wouldn't struggle with the decision on whether
or not to go to the toilet. That's an easy one.
But things like, what i spend my money on how
much i exercise you know what i wear in the morning
yeah yeah having those taken off me frees up
a lot of space in my brain that would be just
making noise otherwise yeah that's fair it also
stops me being impulsive with money particularly
um because although it's very rare that you say
no to me buying anything the point where i ask
you if i can buy it is not the start of that
process the start of the process is when i see
the thing yeah and then i think do i want it
or not yes yeah have i got the money to get it
yes do i still want it yes then i go to you yeah
without that the process would go i see the thing
do i want it yes i click purchase before i thought
about affordability but i think about affordability
before i come to you because i know that's a
follow -up question you sometimes have Do you
have that money in your weekly budget? Do you
have that money in your savings? Do you have
that available on credit? And are the payments
going to be affordable? And which of those are
you using? So I have that thought before I come
to you. And sometimes when I have that thought,
I go, no, this is not reasonably affordable.
Don't be stupid. And I don't even ask the question.
Yeah, right. I hadn't really thought about it
that way. Because you're right, that rule is
you have to ask me to spend money that isn't
on essentials. And you have to know. where it's
going to be paid from. Is it going to come out
of weekly budget? Is it coming out of savings
that you're putting on credit? And the majority
of the time, I don't ask for that information
because it's relatively trivial amounts of money.
But if it's big purchases, you do tend to ask
the follow -up question, and I know that you
always might, so I make sure I've got an answer
prepared for that. But it's interesting to hear
that kind of change in your thought process.
Yeah. Because of having that rule in place, you
don't just immediately see something and then
ask if you can buy it. Actually, you go through
a process yourself. Yeah. And decide whether
or not it's worth asking. Yeah. Which I think
is... That's amazing, actually. Like, that feels
quite a difference. Yeah. In behaviour. And I
can see it in my financial situation. I can see
the difference. And in the amount of stuff cluttering
the house. Because I don't buy stuff unless I
really want it. Because I don't even bring the
question to you until I'm sure. Yeah, yeah, that's
fair. I didn't realise. I hadn't fully appreciated
that. And that is sometimes quite quick. That
still might only take you 30 seconds. Yeah, yeah,
yeah. But I'm still going through it in my head.
Yeah, yeah. No, I have experienced how quickly
it can happen. When you're standing in a shop
and you reach out for a pal and then you get
this look on your face. He's speaking to me.
Sometimes I make the error, once you touch one
and they tell you their name, then unfortunately
you do have to buy them. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yes.
Including when they fall off a charity shop shelf
and bonk you on the head. In my defence, that
is what happened. There was this dog stuffy in
a charity shop who I obviously now own. He was
only two pounds, I think. And his name is Friendship.
Yeah. Because he attacked me physically with
his friendship. I feel like we've got a little
off track. We can get back on track. That's okay.
I think there's a lot of misconceptions around
just the existence of rules in a relationship.
I think... firstly people often see it as something
imposed from the dominant to the submissive the
sort of 50 shades cliche of the dominant turning
up with a whole like massive contract and just
slapping it down in front of the sub that's not
how it generally works and definitely not how
it should work it's a big big red flag of the
dominant attempts to just impose a load of rules
without any communication Yeah, and you do kind
of hear people experiencing that, somebody coming
along with almost like a prepackaged dynamic.
Yeah. These are the things you must do in order
to be my submissive. Sign up to it or you're
a bad submissive. All of that sort of cliché
nonsense that people think is how human beings
behave. doesn't feel like that makes for particularly
effective dynamics or effective rules yeah because
they're not co -created definitely and i think
there's definitely a difference between that
and coming into negotiations saying these are
things that are really important to me in a dynamic
yeah that if you don't want these things we're
probably not compatible that's a completely different
conversation it's completely reasonable to say
like that i as a dominant need a submissive to
be comfortable with rules on on these areas yeah
and then that's your starting point to personalise
that to the two of you with your non -negotiables
included. There's a difference between that and
just being like, my word is law. This is what
we're going to do. And I think it's typically
people with not a lot of experience who attempt
to do that, where they've either picked it up
from something they've seen in a movie or something
they've read online, or they just, their ego
needs to come down a couple of pages. Yeah. And
I think a lot of the time they would not be particularly
successful in that attempt. No. but from what
i've seen of that when you see the kind of rules
that are being imposed they are they are typically
in the because i can category i'm not really
thinking about the submissive as an entire person
no seems like never wear panties around me yeah
yeah which in itself not a bad rule yeah but
but if it's all like that you can see there's
not a lot of depth to it yeah yeah and i and
i guess that's why where it gets really tricky
doesn't isn't it if you're if you're getting
into a relationship with the dominance kind of
understanding that nuance yeah of it's okay to
say like you said it's okay to say these are
the things that are really important to me so
it's really important that we have rules around
them versus this is the one true way of doing
dominance and submission and if you're not doing
it this way you're not doing it right sort of
thing it's It can be quite tricky. Yeah. Because
like you say, there's nothing necessarily wrong
with the rules themselves. It's the delivery
of it. Yeah. I think a healthy dynamic will always
have some level of sub -input. And how much that
is, is very much down to the preference of people
in it. And there are some submissives who want
to hand over a lot of the decisions there as
well. And basically say, come up with some rules
and I'll follow them. I think as long as they
are demonstrating agency in that and still setting...
clear limits and willing to give feedback if
things do feel wrong. It's okay for a dynamic
to be much more dominant -led. And it's also
okay for a dynamic to be more submissive -led.
Like my last dynamic, I would say almost all
of the rules we had with ideas that I'd come
up with. Because in that dynamic, she was more
experienced and I was very, very new to kink
when we got together. She wanted to make sure
that it was going at my pace and that she wasn't
pushing me too hard. So she left a lot of those
decisions up to me to introduce things when I
felt ready. So that was a dynamic where the actual
structure of it was very submissive led. But
then my life was very much dominant. She was
the one in control, but I was the one deciding
how much control and when, what that looked like.
And then with us, I feel like it's probably quite
close to 50 -50 with I come up with ideas, you
come up with ideas, we collaborate together and
create it. in a very sort of balanced way. And
I don't think any of those are wrong as long
as everyone is fully sort of mentally engaged
with the process and is happy with how it's going.
Yeah, I think so. I think for us, I think it
was probably slightly tipped the other way in
that things were going at my pace. Yeah. Whereas
in your previous dynamic, things were going at
your pace because that was how you had agreed
it with your partner at the time. Because we
were getting into areas that I didn't have a
lot of experience of and wasn't clear about how
I felt about some aspects of control. We were
like, OK, we'll do these things and we'll set
a rule that is a fairly light version of something
that we're keen to explore. Yeah. And then kind
of progress from there. Yeah. So it felt a little,
although you're right, it was kind of completely
collaborative and kind of working together and
agreeing them together. I think that those early
sets of rules would have been firmer. and more
detailed if they've been led by you yeah i think
the pace was very much led by you because at
that stage i had a lot more experience of heavy
power dynamics than you did that was for the
exact same reasons that the previous dynamic
the pace had been led by me as the most experienced
partner with you being the less experienced partner
is then led by you but in terms of the content
of the rules that that's where i feel like it
was quite close to 50 50 Yeah. Where almost everything
that we had in the early days was something that
we sort of cooked up between us standing smoking
in the kitchen door the way that we did. Yeah,
yeah, yeah. And even now, I think when new rules
are added, it seems to fall pretty equally between
us who comes up with the new ideas. Yeah. It
was quite funny in the early days. I remember
everything we talked about, I would sort of suggest
something and you clearly had the same idea in
your head, but scaled way down. Yeah. And we
could sit somewhere in between them. Yeah. So
like free use was one where I pitched the idea.
I was like, do you want to introduce free use?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That sounds awesome. So how
are you going to signal when you're up for it?
Are you going to wear a certain color of bracelet
or we could do like a fridge magnet? And I was
like, yeah, yeah. Sweetie, no. Free use. Free
use means free use. Yeah. When I'm unconscious,
when I'm drunk, when I'm on my period, when I've
got the flu. Free use. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. You're
right. We did. Yeah, we did. did have that conversation
i think partly that was my lack of experience
in in like genuinely genuine free use yeah but
also kind of my exposure to people's thoughts
about that in the stuff that i had read and learned
online was one of the ways that you make that
manageable is you have a little thing on the
fridge yeah and that's a really good way of doing
it for a lot of people but but it's not the way
that i not not the way that you want yeah yeah
i like for you to sometimes be uncomfortable
and unpleasant like having that potential in
it is important to me and in the early days we
we still we had a safe word with that and things
like that so there was still ways that it was
different to how we do it now yeah um but yeah
we there was a lot of conversations like that
where i was like full -on extreme and you were
like no please and baby and then we got to the
halfway point between the two and that was what
we set as the rule which is dead funny to think
about because you had like but close to two decades
on me in terms of chronological experience yeah
yeah but i had gone off the fucking deep end
from from the first day so i i'd caught up to
you in terms of actual experience quite fast
yeah i think so and i you know there was some
there are there are some gaps in in during that
time of course where i wasn't doing very much
and i think you know kind of you you compare
yourself to the people around you and compare
yourself to what you see in in your environment
this is not specifically related to rules but
i used to think oh i hit pretty hard i'm quite
i'm quite I'm brutal with the way that I do impact.
And I think I always was capable of hitting people
pretty hard. But I have never hit anybody as
hard as I've hit you. Ever. The beatings that
I have given you far outweigh anything I've ever
done to anyone before. Because this relationship
with you have allowed me to push that a little
bit. I used to think I was hitting people as
hard as I could. Absolutely no. And I know what
as hard as you could is. As it turns out, you
know. And I think there's that little bit, there's
always that little bit in my head, it's as hard
as you can and as hard as you should. Yeah. And
I think I was as hard as you should. Yeah. And
this relationship and you have allowed me to
go, but how hard? How hard can I? And it's a
similar sort of thing with the rules. It's kind
of existing in a point where this feels quite
heavy and then discovering there's a whole bunch
of stuff beyond that. Yeah. So it's like, okay,
so how far can I push this? How much control
can I take in both senses of the word? Yeah.
Like how much control can I be given and how
much control can I cope with? Yeah. It has been
a really fascinating thing to kind of discover.
It's been fascinating to experience from my side
as well because there was a little bit of a...
Not risk in terms of safety, but risk in terms
of what if this doesn't work for me when we got
together? Because I had experienced full on total
power exchange and you were definitely not experienced
with that and you were cautiously open to it.
But it was very cautiously. There was always
a risk that we would start down this road and
get six months into a year into it and find out
that we just weren't compatible. Yeah. That what
I needed was heavier than what you could give.
Yeah. And the only way we could find that out
was was to start exploring it together. And for
me to be prepared to reduce some of the control
that I was maybe looking for to meet you and
for you to start experimenting with taking a
little bit more control to try to meet me and
to see where we ended up was a good place. And
I was relatively confident that would happen
because we just had that connection instantly.
I was just like, even without even scratching
the surface of the stuff that both of us are
into, I just feel like a really core compatibility
with this person and a real sense of trust and
closeness and safety. from the first hookup that
I didn't even understand where it was coming
from. I just knew I was good here. So it didn't
feel like a huge gamble, but it was there in
my head. It might end up with one of us either
needing to compromise a lot or it not working
if we don't find ourselves on the same level.
And we did. Relatively quickly, we did. So it
was a risk that paid off. Yeah, of course it
was. And I think that's very much a two -way
thing as well. you know kind of having my own
version of of those worries you know you describing
the kind of dynamic that you'd had before and
being really open that that is the kind of thing
that you you you enjoy and that you you really
look for in a relationship let me go shit yeah
that's a lot isn't it um but i think setting
off on that journey setting off on our journey
and exploring all of that For me, there was also
that kind of level of feeling safe to try it.
Yeah, yeah. It feels safe to give it a go and
know that you'll be kind of supported and supportive
through that process and open and all of that
kind of stuff. I think you're right. I think
there was just something, wasn't there? That
indefinable thing of, this is going to be all
right, actually. Yeah. It might be a bit tricky
exploring some of the stuff that we do now, but
we'll be all right. Yeah. You know? And I think
that's really helpful. If you find that, it's
really, really special. Yeah. I don't think we
can instruct people on how to find that because
I still don't know how that works. I just met
you and just knew. Tinder. Tinder of all the
fucking places. Everybody should be on Tinder.
No one should be on Tinder. Swipe right. Swipe
left. Which way is it? Swipe left for two years.
And then eventually you find the one good person.
It's the law of probability. If you do it enough.
Yeah. It always cracks me up that we met on Tinder.
Of all the fucking places. I know. I know. Yep.
I used to tell people that we met on Fields.
Yeah. It's less embarrassing. It's embarrassing.
I think one of the things that people probably
think about the rules is, crikey, that's a lot.
how do you how does that not become really confusing
and really overwhelming to follow and i suppose
that's something that's probably more important
to you because you're the one following all of
the rules yeah you have to still know them so
yeah yeah i'm not doing them but yeah but it's
definitely there's there's more work for me and
more specifics to remember for sure I think the
way that I try to explain this to people, and
it still probably is going to sound like a lot
when we get into them, but we all live by rules.
And a lot of the time we don't even think about
that. You've got, when you're a kid, you've got
the rules that come from your parents, your family.
You've got rules that you follow at school. Then
you grow up and you've got rules that you follow
in the workplace. There's the law that you follow,
general sort of social rules as well. I'm not
talking about like... being socially acceptable
being normal necessarily because i'm all for
being a little bit of a weirdo but there are
rules of society that are not laws but that we
still all follow so things like queuing up not
pushing in front of the people in front of you
in a shop saying please and thank you um like
you know someone says hi how are you doing today
not screaming fuck off in their face it might
not technically be illegal but it is frowned
upon so we all have like literally thousands
of rules that we're following without thinking
about it all of these things that you hold in
your head and you're not ever sort of sitting
thinking like oh god how am i going to remember
all these how am i going to manage to follow
all these because you've been doing it since
birth you've been conditioned to it they become
normalized they just become the things that you
do without even really thinking about why you
do it um and when people break those rules they're
generally very consciously aware of it it's not
like oh i just didn't know that's that's a lot
less common and it's the same with these rules
what the difference is is that a lot of the things
that most people would box under sort of self
-discipline or routine or habit or personal preference
i am outsourcing to you yeah um so as we get
into the rules you'll probably start to see where
where those can be boxed off into different areas
things like the self -care stuff we talked around
about making sure i wash eat sleep yeah that
comes into things that most people do under self
-discipline when it comes into things like the
appearance rules it's like oh that's a lot of
rules but there are a lot of people who are doing
all of those things just for themselves on a
daily basis, and that's habit, that's self -care,
and that's routine, and that's potentially sometimes
driven by insecurity, but whatever the source
of it is, they are self -imposed rules. I am
just handing those over to you. So the amount
of rules that I live by probably isn't that much
more than most people do. Some of those just
for fun, you can control because you can ones,
are going to be very different, but compared
to the, you know, most people are following a
thousand rules in a day, and I'm following a
thousand and five. it's not a big difference
yeah what's different is that the authority figure
who has the ability to impose consequences on
me for those is not the government my employer
society as a whole it is my partner which breaks
a lot of those well -established social rules
because your partner's not supposed to be able
to do that yeah but we've decided to uh to do
things our own way to do that yeah yeah yeah
honestly yeah it's really interesting that when
you Think about it that way. There isn't actually
a lot in those rules that would feel out of place
if you just asked anybody to write down their
rules, their routines. There are some in there
that are very specific to our dynamic and a lot
of the protocol type stuff. Maybe not. But you
are bang on correct about things like appearance.
Actually, there are an awful lot of people who
do that stuff every single day just because it
makes them feel good or because society tells
them to. Yeah. there's a level of specificity
to it, I suppose, which might be a little bit
different. So I need to think of more rules so
that I do overburden you. Yeah, I don't think
that's the aim. And the overburdening is a really
interesting one as well, because I do genuinely
worry about that. Or I did, I worry about it
less now because I've got used to it. But when
we're talking about the contract, there's an
element of domestic service to your submission.
And that does feel like a lot to put on one person.
Because I have zero stuff to do, which is like
the dream. Not for me. For a lot of people. For
a lot of people. Would be like the dream. But
that means you're doing it all. I definitely
was worried at the start about the amount of
stuff that you have to do in a day. So less about
the rules and having to remember all of the rules.
It's just the tasks. Yeah. That come with it.
But when you lived on your own, you did all those
house tasks yourself. Yeah, true. I know I'm
doing two people's house tasks, but it's not,
it doesn't double it. Yeah, that's fair. Though
you didn't often cook from scratch. I very rarely
cooked from scratch. There were no herbs or spices.
There were zero. That's not true. That is a flat
out lie. There was mixed herbs. There was mixed
herbs. And there was salt. Yeah. And that was
it. And there was no cheese and there was no
condiments. I still am very confused about what
you actually used to eat. It concerns me greatly.
It wasn't great. It wasn't great. And I think
part of that, slightly in my defence, part of
that was the state of my brain at that time.
Because I can cook and I did cook. Yes. You have
cooked for me when we were first dating, to be
fair. You're a good cook. So I think part of
that was the time in my life that you met me.
Yeah, that's understandable. That's fair. But
I do remember you being absolutely dismayed at
the lack of sauces. Yes. No ketchup, no mustard,
no brown sauce. I can take or leave the brown
sauce, but no mayonnaise. No mayonnaise. And
no cheese. I get anxious when we're down to the
last bag of cheese. I start getting twitchy.
We should probably talk about some rules anyway
before we get too sucked into my love of cheese.
Yes, a little cheese fiend, a little cheese pervert.
That's me. Yes, we probably should talk about
some of the rules. The first section that we've
got is about our protocol. So this, for me, would
very much fit into these are rules about the
dynamic. Yes. Rather than anything else. And
there's a whole bunch of them. And this is where
I think kind of people, when people say kind
of, how do you... how do you keep all of that
stuff in your head so you know there's like 16
rules just on just on just on protocol which
is wild when you think about it but this is something
that was really really important to me i really
like this kind of those regular reminders of
the dynamic and that positioning that it gives
you so the protocol includes um what you call
me so you call me mix In almost all situations,
apart from where social situations might not
be appropriate, we might agree that you don't
do that. But generally speaking, you will. Yeah,
most don't do it. It's only if you're wanting
to be really discreet. So sort of around your
family, we tend to limit that. Yes. Yeah. And
then when we're in kinked spaces, you will refer
to me as Mix, whether you're talking to me or
talking to someone else. Yes. But in different
social situations, you can use my given name.
yes my legal name um that carries over into the
way that you write about me as well so you capitalize
pronouns when you're referring to me and use
lowercase pronouns when you're referring to yourself
and we both do that with differing levels of
success yeah i'm really consistent with it because
it's punishable if i don't do it where you have
no consequences so you yeah yeah yeah yeah um
but there's a lot of behavior stuff in this protocol
as well so things like um If we're not apart,
you have to text me when you wake up and when
you go to bed. If we're not together. If we're
not... Like, when we're not together, you have
to text me when you wake up and before you go
to bed. You walk on the inside of the pavement.
When we're out together, you open doors for me.
Again, sometimes I forget. I sometimes have to
scurry ahead of you to get it. Instinct to kind
of reach for the door if I'm getting there. first
i really like the one around i roll in like cigarettes
for you as well that's a really nice little one
that i do it does make me laugh with the one
with the doors because when we were first negotiating
our early protocol this was one that came up
fairly early for us i don't think it was quite
in the first batch of rules but very early on
we were talking about having a protocol around
opening doors and you'd actually suggested you
opening doors for me because we had different
experience of of what a ds relationship look
like you were coming at it from that sort of
caregiver perspective of a big part of the dominance
role is to take care of the submissive which
has definitely come through into our dynamic
really strongly in other areas but because i
was coming from a background of it being very
much about service and being useful and being
subservient and showing a lower position my view
was that i should be the one opening doors for
you because that's what my version of submission
looked like you were like i'll be open -minded
to trying it your way in yeah yeah and you like
it apart from when i have to scurry to catch
up to it so yeah which is a really good example
isn't it of kind of a collaborative approach
to it of actually those are two opposite opinions
we have to you know we have to compromise somewhere
and actually it was more important to you from
a service perspective than it was to me as a
caregiving thing yeah we'll give it a batch i
think it's also a really good example of how
So many things are seen as like a dominant act
or a submissive act. But actually, it's about
the intention behind it. And most things can
be either dominant or submissive, depending on
the meaning that you attach to it. And that was
one where neither of us were wrong. They were
just different styles of dominance. Yeah, no,
I think you're right. And it's such a weird thing,
isn't it? That idea that certain acts are dominant
ones and certain acts are submissive ones. It's
such a strange. Yeah. Such a strange approach
to it. completely outside of the rules but like
going down on someone giving all to someone is
that a dominant or a submissive act it's like
depends how you do it yeah and it's funny like
we talked about in the episode on sex both of
us have sometimes struggled with enjoying receiving
oral yeah because in my head receiving oral means
that i'm in a dominant position i don't like
it and in your head receiving oral means you're
in a submissive position you don't like it yeah
yeah yeah so those hang -ups we have about what
a dominant or submissive act is can also really
fuck up your sex life yeah it's wild isn't it
so sort of that protocol uh that we have in the
rules are that you share your location At all
times. There's a really cool app that you can
use, which allows you to track your location.
I think you've already mentioned it. You don't
use furniture unless you are specifically given
permission to do that. You ask to go to the toilet.
And we have rules around how we deal with that
if we're not together, if you're out or if I'm
out. You can ask for blanket permission. If we
don't agree that, you have to wait a certain
amount of time. Yes, I text, wait for a response,
if I don't get one in five minutes, that's a
yes. And then I think what I would predict would
be your favourite bit of protocol is daily worship.
Yes, that is absolutely my favourite bit. Yeah.
So every day you kneel for worship before you
get into bed. Every day before we go to bed,
you get on your knees and you provide worship.
And that might be to my feet, to my balls or
to my armpits. Yes. Depending on how I'm feeling
that day. By and large, at night, it's feet.
It usually at least starts with the feet, and
then sometimes I also get to worship other places.
Yes. Yes. Which you very much enjoy. I do, yeah.
I don't know which my favourite is. I really
don't. No. Whichever's the sweatiest, honestly.
Bye. There'll be people listening to this up
here. And there'll be people listening to this
going, what? What? And you are all valid. But
I am a sweat pervert. Yeah. Yeah, you are. You're
my little sweat pervert. So those are nice ways
of kind of reinforcing that power difference.
Yeah. That authority difference. And I like that
our protocol, it is really, really pervasive
into every area of life. If you look at these,
the stuff that's covering first thing in the
morning. like we're not together sending you
a text message if you tell me to make you your
coffee in the morning making it the stuff the
last thing at night with the worship the stuff
that is governing every aspect of just day -to
-day life like like asking permission to go to
the toilet and waiting to be invited to use the
furniture there's there's no day in my life that
i'm going to get through without needing to do
those things yeah so this means that like we
are switched on and doing the dynamic multiple
times a day every single day without fail yeah
i really like that it keeps it really really
current yeah i agree so the next section of our
rules is about appearance and we touched on this
a little bit before a lot of this is things that
people will just do for themselves out of personal
preference or a desire to be accepted of various
reasons so none of it ever feels like a burden
to me in fact i've actually found this really
beneficial to me having a better routine and
not I wouldn't necessarily class spending time
on my appearance as self -care. I'm not a big
fan of it when people talk about things like
doing their makeup and their skincare routine
as self -care because I think you can sometimes
pull focus away from things that you really need
to do to take care of yourself. But I do think
having time in the day where your focus is on
you is good and can help you to slow down. I
consider my morning makeup time to be like my
morning commute because I work from home and
it gives me that decompression between... Between
work and life, I find these rules have benefited
me in ways that I didn't expect to. Because these
definitely fell more into the sort of crossover
between rules that are to reinforce the dynamic
and rules that are just because you can. Yeah.
Making me look like your ideal sex object isn't
just because you can. Yeah. But it's also ended
up meaning that I take a little bit more time
to do things that feel nice for myself. Yeah.
in my routine yeah that's really that's that's
a really positive i'd say slightly surprising
very positive outcome especially given that a
lot a lot of these rules kind of really came
in when we started exploring bimbofication yeah
kind of at the beginning of this year yeah you
know i i think i can't even remember what rules
we had around appearance we had a an outfit check
mix and that was about it I had to ask you if
you had any instructions on what I was going
to wear. And either you would then instruct me
or you would say no. I would dress myself and
then you would check what I was wearing and make
sure you were happy with it. And that was it.
It was quite rare that you told me what to wear
before we started the bimbofication. And then
it's become something you've been a lot more
actively involved in and we've expanded them
a lot. So these rules, as well as still having
the rule around the outfit, there's now a little
bit more detail to that where if you don't give
me specific instructions, it needs to fit within
the goal of bimbofication. So it needs to be
something quite revealing or tight. It needs
to be something that fits that aesthetic. We
also now have rules around that I have to wear
either no bra or an approved bra. So unless I'm
doing sports or sleeping. i i get uncomfy if
i sleep without a bra so i sleep in a sports
bra um sports bras would not be acceptable for
most days it's like push -up bra or something
like halter neck and lacy the ones yeah yeah
yeah um we also this is one that we had before
bimbofication that i do have to wear proper clothes
every day i can't work in my pajamas yeah um
i could ask for an exception to that if i'm like
sick or really tired but generally i have to
wear actual clothing every day and that's that's
something that we've retained yeah And also,
I've also just spotted my favourite, one of my
favourite Lee Glees phrases, which people remember
from the last episode, for the avoidance of doubt,
proper clothes does not include comfies. Yes.
So that would be like pyjamas and sort of slobbing
around, kind of. yeah that kind of stuff i really
like uh 2 .7 that i will ensure my hair is presentable
at all times style my hair every day will not
allow my hair to remain greasy for more than
24 hours and may not use a hat to cover up my
hair without permission yes um because my old
trick before that rule was in there was i wasn't
like leaving my hair to the point it was like
disgusting and smelly but i have got really oily
hair and my sort of day three hair rather than
doing anything about the fact that it looked
like shit i would just shove a hat on it yeah
no that's fine um where now on the day where
it's kind of on the way out i will do like a
proper like an updo or something like kind of
messy but messy on purpose bun yeah there's no
more of this just shoving it under a hat and
ignoring it because that was a terrible habit
yeah yeah and it used to stop me doing like stuff
for tiktok i would be like i can't film today
because my hair looks like shit and now now i
have no excuse yeah that's not what i thought
you were going to say about i thought you were
going to gently rip me for the fact that actually
i can't always tell when your hair is greasy
that You have done well to remind me of that
because I think you can now because I started
pointing it out to you and explaining it to you.
But before we had this rule, I commented, there
was a few times where I was like, oh God, my
hair looks terrible today. I'm going to have
to put the hat on and we'll do something with
it before we go out. And you'll be like, what's
wrong with it? And I was like, it's literally,
it's so greasy. It looks wet. It looks like I
buttered my head. Peering at it like, just looks
like hair to me. Yeah. So the rest of these rules,
we've got some rules around me keeping my nails
painted at all times. So I have to repair chips
and repaint my nails every two weeks. We've got
one of the very, very original rules from way
back in the day of not picking my skin. And we
have quite extensive and specific rules on makeup
where not only do I have to wear makeup every
day, unless I've been given an exemption because
I'm not well, things like that. So yeah, makeup
every day. And we've also got it listed what
that needs to include. So if I'm staying in the
house, it's concealer, bronzer, eyeshadow, eyeliner,
mascara and brow pencil. And then if I'm going
out, I'm not necessarily if I'm just popping
to the corner shop, but if we're going properly
out, I also need to have done something on my
lips. I need to have done contour. I need to
have done blusher as well. So this and a couple
of other rules about that are related to that
bimbo aesthetic are very specific about this
is the type of makeup that you will wear. Which
I think very much leans into that bimbofication,
but also this is just me exerting control. Yeah,
it's very strict. Yeah. Yeah. The rest of these
rules also cover maintaining grooming of body
and facial hair. So eyebrows need to be shaped.
You don't actually have any rules about the rest
of my facial hair. I've tended to start trimming
it since I started wearing makeup because trying
to smear foundation into a beard is a bad and
unenjoyable time. But yeah, rules about my eyebrows.
I'm shaving my legs and pubic hair. Maintaining
a tan at all times using sunbeds and tanning
injections do not come for me. I know it is really
unhealthy, but I would have done that by myself
if unsupervised anyway. And we both enjoy that.
Yeah. And maintaining tan lines, which is something
that I'd specifically. yeah to include we thought
you on that you did you did um but again it's
one of those things where we kind of talk about
it and go actually i you know you i'm not gonna
i can't speak for you i suppose but i think given
the aim of this is to turn you in kind of embrace
that kind of trash bimbo aesthetic and turn you
into something that is sexually appealing to
me yeah i find tan lines really hot yeah i don't
know why but i do yeah so And yeah, it was interesting
because that's definitely, it's not my preference
aesthetically. When I've tanned in the past,
I've always gone on sunbeds fully naked. And
if I was tanning on holiday and stuff, I would
kind of move my bikini around as much as I could
to minimize tan lines. I personally would not
choose to have them, but I don't hate it. And
I actually really like, I like it because you
like it. I feel a real sense of pride in achieving
things because you want me to achieve them. And
then seeing the result when I show you. Your
eyes pop out on stalks. Yeah, yeah. So yeah,
if I was tanning just for myself, I would definitely
not be containing tan lines. But I'm not mad
about it. I don't mind that I lost that one.
Happy to compromise. And then we've got probably
my two favourites is maintaining lip fillers
and a lip flip at all times. Yep. And... um that
you will submit to any permanent or semi -permanent
changes to appearance that i decide yeah you
can have opinions on it you can suggest different
thing but that's that's down to me and that covers
everything doesn't it about what you do with
your hair tattoos piercings procedures and modifications
all of that kind of stuff is is is a i don't
know just having that level of control because
you have agreed to give me that control i really
like that that is a yeah well in there I really
like that too. I think that also is another one
that sort of ended up being helpful for me in
unexpected ways is I have a history of being
really impulsive with my appearance and like
really impulsive, like drastically changing my
hair colour within an hour of making the decision,
shaving my head on impulse. And that's something
I've worked on de -escalating quite a lot over
the last few years anyway, because it was a lot
of around stuff that was going on with my mental
health at the time. I have managed to cut that
down a lot. Yeah. But having someone that I have
to ask before I do those kind of things means
that it's just... off the table it's like okay
we don't have that coping mechanism right now
so now we're gonna have to feel our feelings
and be grown up about it it's good oh oh feeling
of feelings oh um okay so the next section is
around diet and exercise and i'll be honest i
think this is probably the section of the rules
that i have struggled the most with in kind of
getting the balance right for this so this is
very much in that kind of maintaining health
and well -being type of area but also some of
it is straying into kind of control for its own
sake because some of it is related to kind of
the bimbofication process that we've been going
through since the new year so some of the ones
um that have been uh in place for a while are
around you know you have to really have to eat
at least one proper meal each day and you know
a specific nod to snacks sweet treats coffee
and monster not counting as a proper meal yeah
because that was a real problem when we first
got to get there breakfast was typically a can
of monster and a couple of cigarettes yeah you're
like send me a picture of your breakfast and
it's that and you were like no yeah and then
another rule that's been around um for a while
is you asking permission to order food or drink
at all times and that's changed a little bit
over Over time, I think the original rules was
that you would ask permission and I would order
for you. Yes. So that's changed a little bit.
You still have to ask permission, but if we're
together, you order for yourself. Yeah, that's
because you found it stressful having to always
talk to all the people. Yeah, there's that social
awkwardness of that. Some of the bits that I
think it took me a while to get my head around
was around diet as opposed to eating. Yeah. um
so one of our goals in the bimbofication is for
you to get to the point where you're able to
maintain a relatively slim waist a visually appealing
round butt but also carrying increasing your
overall kind of fitness and strength yeah like
the goal is not skinny the goal is curvy and
fit yeah and for me to get to that point i need
to i need to shed a few pounds before i start
putting some muscle on yeah um so at the moment
i am working on very very slowly because my metabolism
is not what it was in my 20s losing a little
bit of weight yeah and we we agreed i wanted
some help with with discipline around that which
i think the driving force of it and also we we
are always looking for elements of control that
i can give you but you were very clear you never
wanted to say that there were certain foods i
was not allowed to eat or impose a calorie goal
on me yeah um so the way that we've sort of navigated
that is that I am required to set realistic and
appropriate calorie goals and exercise goals,
which you sort of sign off on, essentially, and
enforce. You don't make any of those decisions
for me, partly because it's my body and I have
to live in it and I have to figure out what's
going to feel comfortable and achievable, but
also because I have a lot of background knowledge
on this. I have a higher level of knowledge on
this stuff than you, so it wouldn't make sense
for you to just take those decisions off me and
go, I'm imposing. what i think you should do
so this is how we've navigated it where i still
have a lot of control in those areas but you
have authority yeah it's a slightly different
focus of the rule isn't it it's not about me
saying it's not about me dictating what you should
be doing actually i'm holding you accountable
yeah for it and similarly with your exercise
so the rule is you've got to do at least enough
exercise on five days a week to close the ring
on your fitness tracker yeah And you set what
those targets are as long as they don't come
but fall below the minimum. So my role isn't
about saying, don't eat that exercise like this.
It's do follow the diet, follow the exercise
goal that you've set for yourself. And if you
don't, you're in trouble. And I think it's important
to mention as well, though, we have agreed this
rule around sort of the aesthetic that we're
aiming for my body. That is completely open -ended
in terms of time frame. You haven't said, I want
you to reach a certain weight. You've never put
a number on that and said that you never will,
which I think is good. um and and that the the
point is the journey of me getting there we are
both enjoying that process so there's no reason
to rush it you know you've always been very clear
that it wasn't ever any level of dissatisfaction
with my body or an expectation that i should
be making a drastic overnight physical transformation
yeah it's about the enjoyment of controlling
where i'm headed sculpting me to fit this idea
that you have in your head. It's not about not
being happy with where I'm at now, which I think
is important for approaching appearance control.
If that's something people want to explore, I
think it's very important to be careful that
it doesn't create the impression of sort of dissatisfaction
or disappointment or shame around someone's body.
We've got pictures all over the house of the
way I looked pre -bimbofication and you were
hands all over me, couldn't get enough of me
at the time. So you've never made me feel like
it's about fixing a problem? No. It's about taking
control and pushing into some extreme places,
which I like. Yeah, I think so. And you are always
appealing to me, no matter how you look. It's
about that control. It's about that process.
The next section is a little bit of a short one,
general health and well -being. This has got
another of the... way back original rules from
when we first started i will take my medication
every day and keep you updated when i'm due to
reorder my meds um so currently i take hiprex
every day which is for a chronic bladder condition
that i have and i also take a fiber supplement
um because i like to do spontaneous butt stuff
but at various times in our relationship there
have been other supplements i was taking i was
on the pill for a while before i got sterilized
like there's some whatever medication and supplements
i'm on this this means i need to take them um
you don't make decisions for me on what medications
or supplements i'm taking but unless i make the
decision to come off it i need to take it every
day yeah yeah uh which is very helpful for me
because i do i do struggle to remember and this
is probably one of the more common ones that
i get in trouble for yeah yeah um but i'm getting
a lot better with it you're doing a good job
we have the rule that i don't smoke more than
currently 105 cigarettes per week not 90 per
week which this rule was for about six months
because we couldn't do maths um in both cases
it was meant to be an average of 15 a day but
but we'd added it up completely incorrectly yes
we had yeah that was kindly pointed out by someone
on tiktok yeah um and shamed us both for our
lack of mathematical ability and there's a really
nice one in here as well that it's not an enforceable
rule in the sense that i'll not be punished if
i don't follow it that i need to make sure to
make time for my hobbies and it's completely
up to me what those are but i have a tendency
because i'm someone who likes to stay busy there
is a tendency for my life to get full up of stuff
so i work i will be doing a lot of the housework,
lots of cooking, lots of cleaning. Obviously,
I do my TikTok and all of that can end up filling
up my day to the point where I haven't just chilled
out. So this is a requirement to make sure I
do allocate some time to fun stuff. A lot of
the time at the minute, that is reading absolutely
disgusting smoke. And I am certainly making time
for it. Yeah. Yeah. I think that might be a relatively
recent addition. I don't think that was in there
in the original set of rules, was it? Definitely.
I think it's probably been there for the best
part of a year now. Right, right. But that rule
is around making best efforts, isn't it? To engage
with your hobbies. And you won't be punished
if you don't. But now and then I will check in.
Yeah. like i said you are reading a lot of smut
at the moment so i know that you are taking time
to to do things that you enjoy yeah and you can
monitor that easily because every two or three
days you get a text from me going can i buy a
book yeah yeah yeah so that leads nicely actually
on to the next set of rules which are around
finances so fairly straightforward rules you
are expected to set a budget that cover your
essential spending so food bills tobacco stuff
like that that predictable stuff that you have
to pay for technically don't have to pay for
tobacco but we do we do we consider it an essential
essential um you have to let me know if you lend
money to any of your friends i don't have a say
in that you just let me know that that's what
is what is happening uh but you do have to ask
permission for any non -essential purchases and
as i think we've already talked about when you
make that request you have to be clear about
where it's going to be funded from yeah and is
that affordable i really like all of that as
we talked about before it helps to reduce impulsive
spending for me um around lending money to friends
it's particularly good because yeah you don't
have any actual control over that you didn't
want to ever have that be a decision that you
took away from me but it helps me to be more
conscious of it and make sure i'm not overextending
myself which is something that has sometimes
been a problem in the past if i struggle to say
no to people struggle to see someone stuck in
a tight spot so now because i know that i have
to tell someone what i've done it does make me
just sort of think like is this is this a good
idea is this actually affordable yeah yeah um
so it's really good for me it teaches me a lot
more kind of financial literacy i think yeah
having those rules in place without feeling like
i don't have my own money which i think is an
important it that we could do probably several
episodes on the ethics of finances in kink when
you get into things like fin dom and stuff which
is more than a passing curiosity for but there
are potential pitfalls to it and it needs to
be approached carefully yeah but having that
quite light and very responsible financial control
in a way that benefits me but also emphasizes
the power difference between us yeah it's really
good yeah This section is around household tasks.
And this is something that we talked about quite
a lot in the last episode because it's referenced
in the contract as well. But domestic service
is something that I really value having as a
really core part of a dynamic. To me, the most
beautiful expression of a power exchange relationship
is the dominant getting to relax and enjoy their
life and do nothing while the submitter does
everything. Like, I just love that. That makes
me feel like I'm doing a really good job. And
I'm really pleased for several reasons. Really
pleased that that makes you happy. But also it
just makes my life easy. Yeah. I am really privileged
to have such an easy life because I have you
who really enjoys that kind of domestic service
kind of thing. So the rules sort of break down
exactly what's expected of me here. To a large
extent, if there's anything in the rules that
references like do housework, I will just do
it. I will do it to the highest standard I physically
can. But it's good for both of us to have some
clarity about kind of at least what the minimum
expectation is. So it does make it clear in there
I can request help if needed. That would mainly
come up if I'm sick or if there's been a lot
going on and we've sort of slid a few jobs back
a bit and things have mounted up. But it is very
rare that I would do that. I do general tidy
up of the whole house, either as requested or
just when I see that things are getting bad.
With laundry, again, it's as required or when
instructed. So that one is one that creeps up
on me a little bit. So you will usually point
out, like, laundry basket's getting a bit full,
you might want to do that. So I make a meal plan
each week and then make the shopping list for
that. You tend to be the one that goes to the
shops because you're the one who has the car.
But I plan what's going to be on there. I'll
ask your input on that, obviously. See if you've
got any requests on what I cook. But a lot of
times you do leave that up to me because it makes
your life easier. Yeah, yeah. But also everything
that you cook is really nice. So it's generally
happy with whatever you plan because you're a
really good cook. Thank you. I then obviously
cook. I cook pretty much every day. We usually
get takeaway once a week. But most days I'll
be either sticking something in slow cooker before
work or cooking when I finish work. And I keep
on top of the stuff that's needed around the
cats. So checking the litter trays and cleaning
them when needed. Feeding the cats, though you
do often decide to help with that, often tied
up with making our tea. I think, not to out myself
as a cat parent, that part of the rule about
feeding the cats is a little bit of a hangover.
So when you first moved in, you brought two cats
with you into a house where previously there
were none. Yes. Actually, I can remember somebody
asking me at the time when I told them that,
they said, are you a cat person? And I said,
no, but I'm a cariesal person. So they come with
cats. Yes. But it was very much of that kind
of attitude of, well, they're your cats. Yeah.
So you need to take care of them. Which I think
is where that, particularly around feeding them.
came from. I dislike dealing with the litter
trays. That's that one. It's no one's favourite
job. I try to avoid that where I can. But now
we're in the weird situation where one of the
cats is yours and one of the cats is ours. Yes.
Because unfortunately one of the cats you came
with was very, very old and got sick and is no
longer with us. But the new cat is ours. Yeah.
I am now officially a cat parent. You are officially
a cat parent. I'm no longer a cat step parent.
You are. I mean, you are very much a cat parent
already. Like Pounce, the one who's no longer
with us, like Pounce had absolutely decided that
you were his favourite person. Yeah. Which was
very disrespectful because I rescued him from
sleeping in 2016 and within a day of moving in
here. In fact, before we even moved in, when
you came to pick him up from the flat, he was
like, no. That person. That person is my person.
Yeah. Really. Yeah. Cookie does not have a favourite
person. Cookie likes whoever is feeding her at
that particular second. Mm -hmm. And Millie is
both of us. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I don't think she
has much of a preference either, I don't think.
No, she sits on who she wants to sit on and she
will not accept any substitute. When she decides
she's sitting on you, she will not be moved.
When she wants to sit on me, she will not be
moved. Yeah. It's very clear about what she wants,
which is good. um the last section of actual
rules is just other which don't naturally fit
into other sections so there's one about that
you have to post a minimum number of tiktoks
every week so that you kind of keep engagement
up with your other parts of your social media
empire um that you are um developing um at carizal
on tiktok carizal .com for an amazing blog thank
you so much um but then there are also a couple
of rules in there that just are just there because
i can't very purely just to exercise control
over you uh so you aren't allowed to have orgasms
independently of me yes um so i either need to
do it or give you permission to do it and one
that we haven't really done as much of as we
keep saying that we should But you are required
to edge yourself whenever, however, for and for
as long as you are instructed to. Yeah. It always
comes up at reviews because it's something that
you really enjoy that element of control. And
I fucking hate it. I know that when I do eventually
get permission to come after a period of edging,
I have a good time. So I'm on board for it. And
then I think we just haven't really set aside
the time to... We've done some sort of single
days. And maybe I think there's been a few times
where you've done it in a couple of days. Yeah,
yeah. But we haven't done a kind of consistent,
like, make it really difficult for me edging
sesh, which we probably need to do. Yes. Yes,
I think so. We'll get there when we get there.
We have a lot of kinks. I think the longer people
listen to this, the more they're going to realise
we are very general purpose perverts who are
into pretty much everything. It's hard to get
around all of it. No. yeah you know we've now
finished the actual rules but there are some
other things in this document too because just
as the rules are things that can get reviewed
and changed quite frequently compared to the
contract there are other elements of our dynamic
that are a little bit too flexible and movable
to really want to embed them into the contract
at least at this stage and one of those is around
punishment and enforcement of the rules Although
the contract does talk about how every rule break
will be met with a punishment, the punishments
themselves aren't in the contract because sometimes
a punishment becomes less effective over time
and so we retire it. Sometimes we think of a
new punishment that we're going to include. And
I do think it's generally important in power
exchange relationships to actually negotiate
and agree on what the punishments are rather
than the dominant just sort of... plucking one
out of thin air when something happens because
it can sometimes be quite hard to gauge whether
a punishment is way too harsh or whether a punishment
is actually going to feel like play and be very
ineffective. So a while ago we were talking about
trying to think of some new punishments and you'd
suggested making me spend either a minute in
the attic or a minute in the garden shed because
I'm really severely arachnophobic. Yeah. And
I explained to you that goes well beyond an effective
deterrent to bad behaviour to the point where
I'd probably be properly traumatised by it. Yeah,
yeah. It would be very disproportionate to pretty
much any rule break I could do, so we agreed
not to include that one. Where on the flip side
of that, one of our early punishments was that
I would be banned from using furniture. completely
for a period of time and when we weren't living
together that was somewhat effective um But it's
still like there was a little bit of me that
got a bit of a kick out of the degradation of
being made to be on the floor. And once I moved
in here, we found that it just didn't work at
all because you were miserable that I wasn't
in the bedroom. Where I was just like having
a great time being like, yes, you are so superior
to me on the furniture. And here am I lying on
the floor. It's just a blanket. It was just play.
So that isn't going to work as a bad behavior.
And it was a punishment for me. Yeah. Because
I was in bed on my own. Yeah. So just terrible.
Because I think there's always a lot of confusion
that punishment is not the same thing as like,
it's called funishment. And it's more if you
are watching porn and someone's like, oh, punish
me. The concept of punishment is like a sexy
punishment. Yeah. And that's a different thing.
And that's something we play around with a little
bit. I'll be a little bit cheeky and you'll whack
me with something. Yeah, yeah. That's fun. But
when we talk about punishment as it's actually
written down in our rules, this is about actually
correcting bad behaviour. So it's not supposed
to be fun for me and it's not even supposed to
be fun for you. No. It's purely about a consequence
to something that I've done to change behaviour.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And you are a notoriously difficult
person to punish. I am. I'm a very general purpose
masochist. If I'm suffering, I am enjoying it.
Yeah, yeah. So the punishments that we've settled
on are in that space where it's not fully enjoyable,
so neither of us are thinking of it as play,
but aren't so unpleasant that they would have
a long -term negative effect on you. The punishments
that we've settled on so far are that you won't
be able to listen to music. for a set period
so listening to music is really important and
you do a lot of it um or having no social media
for a set period so and that's usually for a
day yeah you know when we've done i think we've
done that a few times so far And it's been like
from the moment you wake up to the moment you
go to bed. That's the period that you're not
allowed. One that we haven't done yet is a reduction
in your weekly cigarette allowance by up to 20.
No, we did that when it was a lot less bad. It
was a reduction in daily cigarette allowance
by up to five back in the day. And that, even
though it was more out of a day, because it was
only for a day, it was more manageable. The one
that we probably use most often is eating a set
number of ice cubes. And so far we've kind of
done what, you know, one rule break equals one
ice cube. Yeah. Which I think a lot of people
probably listening to this go, that's not so
bad. But actually for you, it's a real, it is
a real issue. Yeah. I've got very, very sensitive
teeth and a couple of slightly loose teeth as
well. Yeah. So chewing up an ice cube is agonizingly
painful. Yeah. Like on a par with the most painful
things I've done is play. but in a way that is
really unpleasant and not enjoyable. And because
of who I am as a person, I'm generally a little
bit turned on afterwards because the masochism
does not quit. But I don't enjoy any part of
the process of it happening and I actively want
to avoid it and I dread it every time I have
to do one. So it's still effective as a punishment.
I'm not sure there is any type of pain where
I won't get a little bit horny in response. Unfortunately,
that's just how I am. Yeah, it's just how you're
wired, isn't it? Yeah. And one that I think we've
done once or twice is maintaining a position
with no speaking or access to your phone for
a set period of time. So a number of minutes
rather than an entire day, like with social media
and music. Yeah. But you even managed to kind
of beat that one a little bit. We were debating
retiring that, yeah. Yeah, because you managed
to, whenever we've done it, you've basically
meditated. Yeah, because I was prepared that
it was going to be quite tough. I started like
counting the seconds as a way of coping and accidentally
sort of knocked myself into a meditative trance
and had a really nice time. Yeah. So we probably
need to either switch that to something like
a stress position or retire it. Yeah. So those
are the punishments that we use. Something that's...
probably not relatively recent now but it wasn't
like this at the start is where you are you wait
where you are punished for every rule break i
think at the start it was like for every five
we had a strike system early on yeah to get me
to adapt to the rules yeah um and then once once
we've been together about a month and i was in
good routines again and i was used to following
the rules was when you got rid of the strike
system and it was every single one. Because in
the early days, particularly protocol, I found
it took me a good while to embed that as a habit
because I hadn't experienced protocol before.
So I would sometimes hit my five strikes in a
day or two, protocol breaches. So it was really
helpful then to not be getting punished absolutely
relentlessly, but still have consequences to
that so that I learned. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And
I do still have the option to not punish you.
You know, we talked about... how how important
it is that you receive that discipline so that
it remains important for both of us but shit
happens and you know particularly if you're poorly
or uh really tired i guess i know i'm gonna let
you off with that yeah but we still keep track
of it yeah Definitely so that we're still aware
of any kind of patterns that are forming. I think
it's really important to mention as well when
it comes to punishment that it's something that's
very important to me and something that's become
important to us and our dynamic. It's not an
essential part of these kind of dynamics. You
can have rules, even really, really strict rules,
and a really, really heavy dynamic that doesn't
involve punishment. For some people it just isn't
the most effective way. Some dynamics will be
based more around reward. Sometimes it is just
about following the rules for the sake of wanting
to follow the rules. I think because of elements
of my lack of self -discipline, elements of having
a very sort of very unclear boundaries growing
up and feeling like there was not any sort of
form of consistent or predictable discipline,
it scratches my brain in a really good way to
have a very predictable, if you do this thing,
this will be the result. If you do this thing,
this will be the result. It feels very psychologically
safe for me. It's not like a weighted blanket
of discipline. um so it's something that i really
crave and i really want and i've really encouraged
you to be quite strict with where different submissives
will have different needs regarding that and
might want either a more relaxed approach where
where they do get let off a bit more often or
might just want a dynamic without punishment
at all and that's fine too yeah yeah yeah and
that's really valid so much the previous relationship
i was in where we had rules it was a reward based
yeah one so actually you got a tick in the box
every time you did the thing every day yeah And
so it was that kind of positive reinforcement
approach to it, which was more effective than
a negative reinforcement approach. And then the
last section in our rules and protocol is around
limits. And a bit like punishments, these are
deliberately put into the rules and protocol
and not into the contract because they might
change over time. So this section sets out...
caries hard limits and their soft limits so you
know hard limits in include things like any contact
with nipples and both of us have a have a limit
around kind of age play and not because we're
making any judgment on that as a type of play
and the thing that people engage in is just not
something that we enjoy yeah um so we don't we
don't do it um and and uh things that you know
related to fingernails and toenails is is something
that you uh really struggle with yeah that might
confuse people so i should clarify obviously
we have rules about me painting my finger and
toenails which is absolutely fine but when i
say my hard limit for play is anything to do
with finger and toenails that means i don't want
them to hit i don't want them yanked out i don't
want things jabbed underneath them i don't want
pain to happen to them yeah that's a good clarification
yeah because we know what that means but i feel
like someone could be listening and be like but
you have rules related to finger and toenails
and say yeah but not needles And then we have
a couple of limits about where other people are
involved. Yeah. There's certain types of play
where I need quite a high level of trust. So
I have a real thing about nipples. Nipples are
a hard limit with anybody ever. But any other
play close to my nipples, so involving my boobs,
involving my chest, there needs to be a high
level of trust there because I need to know that
the person's not going to forget and go for the
nipples. I need to feel safe and certain that
that's not going to happen. And also because
of lingering bits of dysphoria around my chest
and just being a very sensitive area, I need
to know that people aren't going to be too rough.
and aren't going to do things that are going
to be too far for me. So we've ramped up play
around my chest quite gradually over time, where
it started with me just being comfortable with
you touching and then kind of squeezing and then
moving up some impact on my boobs, which was
a massive challenge for me to do, but I wanted
to push myself. Yeah, yeah. And I was really
proud of you. Thank you. It was amazing to see
you feel comfortable to do that. And you've taken
a fair caning. Yeah. Your boobs. Yeah. Which
is just amazing to see. I always have to cover
my nipples with my hands just for my own peace
of mind if I'm getting caned on the boobs. And
then if you do miss, I get wrapped across the
knuckles, which is fucking horrible, but much
better than getting hit. But yeah, I'm really
proud of myself for pushing myself in that way,
but that's not something, if we were playing
with somebody else, I would not want someone
that I didn't know super, super well to do that.
And I think it's maybe something that's better
in a dynamic with me because the level of additional
trust that comes with submission is what makes
that feel comfortable. Yeah. Yeah. That makes
a lot of sense. That's why these limits are in
the rules and protocol as the living part of
our dynamic because these things can shift and
change over time and we don't really want to
have to be updating the contract on a regular
basis. So that's our rules and our protocol.
Quite a lot from where we started with our little
keep note. Definitely, yeah. Highball 6 will
have many more rules on it. But it doesn't feel...
It's easy for me to say, I guess, because it
requires me to do very little, relatively little.
But it doesn't feel kind of overwhelming. How
does it feel to kind of live under that level
of expectation? Yeah, it feels really good mix.
Like it's it never feels like too much because
we've added probably the most rules we ever added
at once is when we started exploring bimbofication.
We really beefed up the appearance rules section.
But even then, it was probably five or six new
things, if that. Yeah. Generally, if we're adding
to the rules, it's one or two at a time. And
then I'll have a month or more to get used to
that before we add anything else. A lot of this
stuff is stuff that in an ideal world I would
just do for myself anyway. It might look a little
bit different. You know, the routine that I'm
in with the housework might be different if I
lived alone. The things I do for my appearance
might be different if I was the one making the
decisions on what the goal was. But in a perfect
world, I would want to have a good routine where
I stay busy. and do a lot of stuff to take care
of myself and my environment and any people around
me. What this does is it formalises it, introduces
an imbalance of power to it, and includes some
stuff that is just fun and just keeps our lives
a little bit more spicy. That stuff that you
do just for the sake of control, just because
you can. Is often the stuff that I find the most
exciting to do because it's hot to me as well
to be controlled by you in that way. And then
the stuff that's more about, you know, putting
energy into the relationship, putting care into
the environment that we both live in, taking
care of you, taking care of me. All of that stuff
is stuff that benefits me too and benefits our
relationship. so it makes me really happy i like
it and as we talked about before like these rules
have been very collaborative between both of
us where there's probably about an equal mix
of things that i've suggested and things that
you've suggested and and stuff that we've just
kind of come to by bouncing off each other um
i really like it i'm really proud of it as as
a creation of us and our many and very kinks
yeah this is what we've distilled it into yeah
i think that i think that's been the nice thing
about doing these this episode and the last one
is it's kind of It feels like when you're just
living your day -to -day life and you're doing
all of these things and you're following all
of the rules and I'm enforcing them and we're
working within that contract framework as part
of iDynamic. It's just what you're doing and
you kind of get used to it and you go, well,
this is just how life is. Yeah. Isn't it? You're
just bumbling along doing all of this stuff.
It doesn't look like, from the outside, it doesn't
look like your average relationship, but it's
ours. Yeah. But it's been really nice to just
kind of look at it and go, yeah. We made that.
We did that. We do that. We created that together.
And it's something that is really meaningful
to us and we get a lot of enjoyment from. I think
for me as well, it's a different perspective
on a similar sort of thing. We have a really
nice environment to live in because of the rules
that we have and the effort that you put in.
We have a really strong dynamic because of all
of the protocol that we've got and the thinking
and the detail that went into the contract framework.
It feels really nice for that to be our life.
Yeah, it does. I'm constantly intrigued at the
moment about where we could go next with it.
And we don't necessarily have to go anywhere
with it, but it is difficult to think of areas
where we could introduce new rules. It is, yeah.
Where else would we go? What part of your life
are we not touching? I think we could be doing
more with the surveillance cameras next. I think
that's the next thing for us. Yeah. It's really
leaning into the no privacy. Yeah. We have cameras
around the house. We currently have one in the
bedroom, one in the living room. And what we've
mainly used those for is for me to go back and
watch us having sex after the fact and go, that
was hot. But I feel like there's some real potential
there for me to have no privacy. Yeah. Apart
from obviously when I'm working and things where
I have to, where other people are in the house,
but as much as we can. But yeah, maybe that is
the direction of leaning into that kind of, you
don't get any privacy. Yeah. Sort of thing. But
yeah, it's just interesting to reflect on whether
or not this is that we've reached the level.
Yeah. Or whether there is more we could do. I'm
sure we'll think aside. I'm sure we'll think
about it. We are both disgusting people. So we
will figure it out. We are lovely people. We
are lovely people who do disgusting things. I
agree with that. It's what my sticky note up
says on my work monitor says. It's true. Liking
awful things does not make me an awful person.
It's true. It also says that... What else does
it say? It says that your love language is slapping
me and starving me. That's it, yes. Which I like.
That is the love language I most like to receive.
Thanks for listening to this week's episode of
Don't Scare the Newbies. You can support us on
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