WEBVTT

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Welcome to Don't Scare the Newbies, a podcast

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where we talk kink, raw and unfiltered. I'm Carizal,

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a lifestyle submissive in a 24 -7 dynamic who

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likes their kink heavy, intense and scary. And

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I'm S, Carizal's dominant, who knows how to deliver

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all of the above. And today we're going to be

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talking about rules and contracts part one, focusing

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today on the contract. Very excited to dig into

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this. And this is one that I think a lot of people

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will be interested in because I've talked about

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the rules a lot before, but never really shared

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much about our contract. No, true. We're going

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to talk about how you've signed your life away

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to me. Excellent. So, yeah, this episode is going

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to really talk about the formal structure that

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is a part of a lot of DS dynamics. A lot of those

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types of dynamics are based around rules and

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expectations that the dominant place is on the

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submissive and that they agree together as part

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of negotiation. And I think for me, I think that's

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something that's really important. It's really

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important to have that formal structure. so that

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everybody understands what they're getting into,

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everybody understands what's expected on both

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sides, because it's not just about imposing rules

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and setting limits for the submissive, but also

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kind of setting limits for the dominant as well.

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And the other side of rules is punishments. So

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kind of being really clear about the consequences

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of breaking the rules. Yeah, absolutely. And

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I'm with you that having it very, not necessarily

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super, super formal, though I would say that

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our contract is definitely into the very formal

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wording category. But even if it's not particularly

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formal language, having something to refer back

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to so that things are very black and white and

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clear, especially as these dynamics develop over

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time and become more complex. The expectations

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on everyone involved. can be a lot to hold in

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your head it would be very easy for things to

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get forgotten or get misinterpreted or just for

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people to have different understandings of what

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they mean so having something to come back to

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be like okay this is what we agreed is that working

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for us is really helpful yeah i yeah i agree

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i think the the it sounds a little bit nerdy

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i suppose but having them written down is really

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important especially as dynamics develop for

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me personally i don't think it's smart to start

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off a dynamic with 10 pages of rules and really

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detailed expectations and detailed requirements

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on both sides the 50 shades approach just turn

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out with a fully written contract be like bam

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sign it yeah yeah that that doesn't it just doesn't

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make sense for all sorts of reasons doesn't doesn't

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make sense to me because it's it's a lot all

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at once How do you possibly keep track of that?

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Yeah. So this kind of dynamic, that kind of DS

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dynamic or a total power exchange dynamic, the

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kind that we've got, doesn't need to have a massively

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formal contract in it, but at least have a keep

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note on your phone where the rules are written

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down. Yeah, absolutely. Which is exactly where

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we started. It was literally a Google keep note

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that was shared between us. And I think we don't

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have the original one because we added to it

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over time. But from what I remember, the original

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one had about five or six rules on it. It wasn't

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formally written. It was very, very sort of light

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and very casual. The approach that we took to

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creating that, but it was still helpful to have

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a written record of it so that things didn't

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get sort of agreed and then just drift out of

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our heads. I think having that and having had

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that throughout has been really helpful for me

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in... making these things become part of routine

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and almost like muscle memory yeah there are

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a lot of rules that we have that i now don't

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even think about because they are just a thing

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that i have done since pretty much day one of

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our relationship yeah um yeah but it's still

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helpful to have that to refer back to yeah so

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that we so that we're clear yeah and and you

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know we'll talk about rules in more detail in

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the next in the next episode but it's it started

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out really basic as well You know, it's just

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half a dozen things that you agree are important,

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whether that's really specific rules or the kind

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of things that we'll talk about today, the kind

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of the structure and the framework of your relationship.

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If you're really clear about those with each

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other at the start, that's a really strong start.

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And then you can build over time and get to the

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point where you are writing legal sounding. And

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I think one of the things that's important to

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bear in mind is that we're going to be talking

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about a very heavy total power exchange dynamic,

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which is the point that we have reached and the

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point that both of us always wanted to reach.

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We were clear about from the start. But this

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same approach could be taken to dynamics that

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are a lot lighter than this and stop at five

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or six rules. Sorry. It's all right. It's not

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staying there to stay. Every time you adjust

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your microphone, it looks like you're putting

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nipple clamps on, which, given that I hate nipple

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clamps, makes me cringe, but it also entertains

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me. It's like setting up to do our kink podcast.

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I've just got to put my nipple clamps on, get

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into the mood. Well, you've got it really easy

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because you're always wearing low -cut booby

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tops. Yeah. Which means you just kind of put

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it wherever you want, because I usually wear

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T -shirts. I have to think about where I can

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kind of pinch the fabric and where it's going

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to sit so it doesn't fall over. I have the opposite

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problem, though, where sometimes my top is too

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low cut and my microphone is too far away from

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me. You're just a slut. Yeah, whose fault is

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that, Alex? You were born that way. Yeah, but

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you have trained me. I merely took advantage

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of the materials that I already had. yeah that's

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valid Anyway, we were talking about contracts.

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We were. Yes, very important. So, yeah, even

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if you've got a fairly light dynamic and you're

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not necessarily looking to progress towards something

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like total power exchange, even if the aim of

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a dynamic is to have maybe five or six rules

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and that's the stopping point, the approach we've

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taken of gradually ramping things up would still

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apply. It's just maybe going to take place over

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a shorter period of time with less being added.

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And I still think having things written down

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and having really clear expectations is valuable,

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even if it is something that is not 20. seven

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is not total power exchange doesn't sort of impact

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on your life and your headspace to the degree

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that ours does getting that foundation right

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is just as important because it's still something

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that alters the kind of standard script of how

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a relationship runs yeah and it can be easy to

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to get muddled up with that yeah but i think

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the type of relationship and the type of dynamic

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we have i think having a having a proper contract

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written in the way that it is is a feels like

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a really important part of that because you know

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24 7 total power exchange is not a light dynamic

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no definitely not you know regardless of how

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the rules work within that having that kind of

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giving up that kind of control is a really kind

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of heavy thing having a contract really in my

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head really solidifies yes that it is an all

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-encompassing lifestyle thing that we're doing

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and this is this is our life and i think it was

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you that introduced the idea of a contract yeah

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to me like i was aware of them as a abstract

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concept but it was something that you had in

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your previous relationship where you had a formal

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contract and you talked about that kind of early

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on and i think at that time wasn't it's not that

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i wasn't sold on it but i kind of had questions

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about about it and i think you know because i

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remember talking to you about the um the feelings

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i have about the words master and stipe yeah

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in a dynamic and i think that kind of changed

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over time the more that we leaned into and developed

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that greater degrees of power exchange kind of

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changed my view of the the idea of a contract

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and the idea of an ms dynamic specifically yeah

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which has been a really interesting journey to

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to see you go on because yeah like Like you said,

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a contract is something that I've experienced

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before and it's something that I really value.

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It wasn't ever on my list of we must have this

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or I'm not going to feel like the relationship's

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complete. But it's something that I feel like

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adds a lot, feels like a really strong commitment

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to make. I think particularly for me, because

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my preference and our preference was for colouring

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to happen quite early in the relationship. Colouring

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is a very serious commitment that I take seriously

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and I wouldn't allow someone to colour me if

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I didn't see it as... as being the aim being

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a lifelong relationship. But I'm quite happy

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to make that commitment quite early on where

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a contract is something that... Just because

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of the level of complexity of it and because

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of the amount of control that certainly our contract

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and the previous contract that I was under include.

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You can't do that overnight. As we talked about,

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it's too much to take on and it's too big of

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a shift. So it's nice to have that milestone

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a little later in a relationship. We've had the

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commitment of the collaring, which is me saying

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I intend to belong to you forever. And now we

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have the commitment of the contract that says

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I'm reaffirming that and I am committing to.

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The detail that comes around that, the structure

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that we have created over the period of time

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from the colouring to the contract is now something

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that I want to lock in and make a part of my

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life moving forward. Yeah, and I think I went

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on a similar sort of journey, I suppose. You're

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right, colouring was something that we did pretty

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early on. And your colour is monkey -edged, as

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I am observing. Let me just fix that. There we

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go. Colouring is something that's really important.

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to me as well in that kind of dynamic and as

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we added things to it and I got more comfortable

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I suppose with the idea of a total power exchange

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or grew into that kind of dynamic with you the

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idea of the contract became more important as

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we went on and the contract that you had in your

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previous relationship was really helpful because

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that was kind of where we started yeah With it,

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you shared that contract with me and we kind

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of went through it or I went through it and said,

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yeah, there's some things in this that I would

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want to retain, some things I'd want to add,

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some things I'd want to take away. Which I think

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is one of the things that people find really

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surprising about our relationship and the way

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I talk about developing dynamics in general is

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that I'm very open about the fact that I think

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it's healthy and useful to talk about previous

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power exchange relationships that you've had.

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when you're constructing your own, because nothing

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that anyone does is ever completely original.

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And you learn about what you want in relationships,

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not just in DS and MS and other BDSM relationships,

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but in relationships, you learn about what you

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want and what you don't through your previous

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experiences. Yeah. It would seem really counterintuitive

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to me to go, OK, we need a completely blank slate.

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We're never going to talk about my ex. We're

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never going to talk about your previous relationships.

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We can't use any of that. And everything we do

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has to be completely different. Because before

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I was with you, I just spent two years figuring

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out what worked really well for me in an MS relationship.

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Why would I throw out all of that learning when

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we can make use of it? Yeah, yeah. You can build

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on it, keep all the stuff that worked really

00:11:07.379 --> 00:11:10.059
well, add things that are just for us and get

00:11:10.059 --> 00:11:11.580
rid of the stuff that worked less well. Yeah.

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I suppose. And, you know, to be fair to your

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previous dynamic and that contract, I think a

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lot of the stuff that I took out wasn't necessarily

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that I thought, oh, that's a bad thing. I don't

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like that. It was just about preference and actually

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a lot about kind of phrasing and the way that

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it was structured. Yeah. For me, kind of I spent

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probably as much time. thinking about the content

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as i did the structure of it yeah which i really

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like because that contract was made from a template

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itself so it's already been adapted from something

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that was from someone else's relationship yeah

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and then me and my ex -partner put our own spin

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on that our own language into it the things that

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were part of our relationship and then you completely

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restructured it changed a lot of the wording

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and we put in the things that are personal to

00:11:58.809 --> 00:12:01.519
us as well yeah So at each of those stages, the

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stuff that was retained and stuff that was lost.

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But it's it's become very much our own. So it's

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much as it's important to learn from previous

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relationships. You also don't want to try to

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just copy and paste a previous dynamic onto a

00:12:12.539 --> 00:12:14.340
new relationship, because even if you look at

00:12:14.340 --> 00:12:15.620
it and go, yeah, that was perfect. Like, that

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was exactly how I like it. It's not going to

00:12:17.519 --> 00:12:19.919
be the same with with different people. That's

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not how people work. So you need to bring your

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own personality and flavour into that kind of

00:12:24.179 --> 00:12:26.379
thing. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, I think you're right.

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And the structure stuff is because I can help

00:12:29.200 --> 00:12:31.480
myself. In my professional life, I've spent a

00:12:31.480 --> 00:12:34.340
lot of time writing contracts. Yeah. And I know

00:12:34.340 --> 00:12:36.500
how I like contracts to be structured. Yeah.

00:12:36.639 --> 00:12:40.759
You know, it's such a nerdy thing to say. But

00:12:40.759 --> 00:12:43.539
yeah, having really clear sections in it and

00:12:43.539 --> 00:12:45.600
having a really good flow to it and being really

00:12:45.600 --> 00:12:49.440
specific and using like legal language as well.

00:12:49.539 --> 00:12:53.500
I just really enjoy it. I really like that about

00:12:53.500 --> 00:12:55.820
it. It's, yeah, it's really hot to me and I really

00:12:55.820 --> 00:12:58.639
like how official it feels and how legal it feels

00:12:58.639 --> 00:13:00.460
because that's kind of the point of the contract

00:13:00.460 --> 00:13:02.779
for me is for it to feel really legally binding,

00:13:02.860 --> 00:13:05.039
although of course it's not. Yeah, and I think

00:13:05.039 --> 00:13:07.879
that's a really important point to pick up for

00:13:07.879 --> 00:13:10.019
all. It is structured like a proper contract.

00:13:10.179 --> 00:13:13.019
And when I was drafting it, kind of using proper

00:13:13.019 --> 00:13:16.019
legal language and legal definitions. But it's

00:13:16.019 --> 00:13:18.259
really important to stress that although we refer

00:13:18.259 --> 00:13:20.879
to it as a BDSM contract, a contract of total

00:13:20.879 --> 00:13:24.700
power exchange, it is not a legally binding document.

00:13:24.919 --> 00:13:27.830
No, and it can't be. And it can't be. You couldn't

00:13:27.830 --> 00:13:30.309
rely on that as a defence to go, well, I was

00:13:30.309 --> 00:13:32.409
allowed to do these things to Carisel because

00:13:32.409 --> 00:13:34.889
the contract says. Yeah. And actually it would

00:13:34.889 --> 00:13:37.590
go the other way, probably. Yeah, because we've

00:13:37.590 --> 00:13:39.570
essentially created evidence of your control

00:13:39.570 --> 00:13:42.110
over me and because BDSM falls into such a legally

00:13:42.110 --> 00:13:44.830
grey area. Yeah. Sometimes that can actually

00:13:44.830 --> 00:13:47.129
be used against you. And you mentioned that it

00:13:47.129 --> 00:13:49.750
can't be used as a defence. It also can't be

00:13:49.750 --> 00:13:51.750
legally enforced. You can't take me to court

00:13:51.750 --> 00:13:54.820
for breach of contract. Yeah, yeah. You can hit

00:13:54.820 --> 00:13:57.320
me with stuff for breach of contract. Yeah, I

00:13:57.320 --> 00:14:00.480
can punish you for it. Yeah, but you can't take

00:14:00.480 --> 00:14:03.539
me to court. So areas of the contract will break

00:14:03.539 --> 00:14:05.879
down the contract a lot as we go along, but things

00:14:05.879 --> 00:14:08.279
where it says that I can't, you know, end the

00:14:08.279 --> 00:14:11.039
dynamic for any reasons other than those laid

00:14:11.039 --> 00:14:13.039
out in the contract. If I just pack my bags one

00:14:13.039 --> 00:14:14.700
day and walk out of the house, you can't take

00:14:14.700 --> 00:14:17.500
me to court for that. It's not legal. Yeah, yeah,

00:14:18.000 --> 00:14:20.000
yeah. And I think, so it's really important to

00:14:20.000 --> 00:14:24.950
remember that. But... having it set up in a way

00:14:24.950 --> 00:14:27.289
that it feels like that and treating it with

00:14:27.289 --> 00:14:30.669
the seriousness that it is yes a proper legally

00:14:30.669 --> 00:14:34.350
binding document i suppose is is i think is part

00:14:34.350 --> 00:14:37.169
of the head is a really helpful way of maintaining

00:14:37.169 --> 00:14:39.450
that kind of headspace and maintaining that kind

00:14:39.450 --> 00:14:45.149
of approach to your um dynamic remember i remember

00:14:45.149 --> 00:14:47.049
a little while ago someone someone i know kind

00:14:47.049 --> 00:14:49.330
of referred to bdsm generally as sex larping

00:14:49.769 --> 00:14:52.230
And I remember at the time being a little bit

00:14:52.230 --> 00:14:54.029
offended by that, going, it's a little bit more

00:14:54.029 --> 00:14:56.470
than that, actually, but I get your point. But

00:14:56.470 --> 00:15:00.730
in this context, it kind of is, because we're

00:15:00.730 --> 00:15:03.809
playing at having a legally binding contract.

00:15:03.889 --> 00:15:05.909
We know we don't, but we're treating it like

00:15:05.909 --> 00:15:08.649
it is. Like you, though, I definitely see it

00:15:08.649 --> 00:15:11.309
as deeper than that. It's like, it is a choice

00:15:11.309 --> 00:15:14.049
for us to act as if it's a legally binding contract

00:15:14.049 --> 00:15:16.309
when we know that legally it's not. But there's

00:15:16.309 --> 00:15:18.190
more going on for me, at least, than just...

00:15:18.399 --> 00:15:21.360
just pretending i internalize it in a way and

00:15:21.360 --> 00:15:23.399
something that i talk about fairly frequently

00:15:23.399 --> 00:15:26.480
is that my submission often feels partially involuntary

00:15:26.480 --> 00:15:28.480
yeah when i start feeling submissive towards

00:15:28.480 --> 00:15:30.620
someone that is often two or three steps ahead

00:15:30.620 --> 00:15:33.240
of where we've negotiated to be because i i just

00:15:33.240 --> 00:15:36.539
start to feel that disappearing of my autonomy

00:15:36.539 --> 00:15:38.559
the same thing happens with the contract the

00:15:38.559 --> 00:15:40.299
things that i've agreed to in that contract the

00:15:40.299 --> 00:15:42.039
freedoms that i've given up and the commitments

00:15:42.039 --> 00:15:44.659
that i've made yes you can't take me to court

00:15:44.659 --> 00:15:46.679
for it yes if i tried to run away and you came

00:15:46.679 --> 00:15:49.279
after and abduct me and dragged me back that's

00:15:49.279 --> 00:15:51.879
hot oh you would go to jail you would go to jail

00:15:51.879 --> 00:15:56.980
yeah um and rightly so uh but But that doesn't

00:15:56.980 --> 00:15:58.899
mean that I have the freedom to just ignore it

00:15:58.899 --> 00:16:00.820
because my brain puts those constraints on me

00:16:00.820 --> 00:16:03.360
itself. The ways that I can exit the contract

00:16:03.360 --> 00:16:04.980
are the ways that we've agreed I can exit the

00:16:04.980 --> 00:16:07.980
contract. The things that I can do, the freedoms

00:16:07.980 --> 00:16:11.240
that I have are the ones that we've agreed. And

00:16:11.240 --> 00:16:14.179
although that can't be legally enforced, it's

00:16:14.179 --> 00:16:17.080
very self -regulating for me. It's not a headspace

00:16:17.080 --> 00:16:18.740
that I can just switch on and off. It's not as

00:16:18.740 --> 00:16:20.700
simple as roleplay. I think there's a lot of

00:16:20.700 --> 00:16:22.799
people where kink is just roleplay for them and

00:16:22.799 --> 00:16:24.409
that's completely valid. that's a great way to

00:16:24.409 --> 00:16:26.850
do it and it's probably it's probably easier

00:16:26.850 --> 00:16:30.090
and lower maintenance yeah definitely um but

00:16:30.090 --> 00:16:31.970
it's always felt like something deeper than that

00:16:31.970 --> 00:16:34.690
for me it's a very core part of my identity and

00:16:34.690 --> 00:16:37.269
how i live my life and when i enter into a power

00:16:37.269 --> 00:16:39.590
exchange dynamic it becomes something very very

00:16:39.590 --> 00:16:42.289
real very very quickly yeah yeah same and i think

00:16:42.289 --> 00:16:44.009
that's that's something that i've learned in

00:16:44.009 --> 00:16:47.629
especially in this relationship as well is i

00:16:47.629 --> 00:16:51.470
i feel at my most comfortable when i have when

00:16:51.470 --> 00:16:54.009
i when i have that kind of relationship you know

00:16:54.009 --> 00:16:56.289
this is of all the relationships i've ever had

00:16:56.289 --> 00:16:59.129
this is the one where i felt most that feels

00:16:59.129 --> 00:17:01.710
the most authentic yeah it feels the most comfortable

00:17:01.710 --> 00:17:06.210
and just yeah this is how life should be um and

00:17:06.210 --> 00:17:08.450
that is down to it's partly down to you being

00:17:08.450 --> 00:17:11.990
pretty amazing um but it is down to that kind

00:17:11.990 --> 00:17:15.089
of yeah we're not we're not playing at it we're

00:17:15.089 --> 00:17:18.470
living it yeah And it's an all the time. We've

00:17:18.470 --> 00:17:21.769
talked about both rules and contracts as we've

00:17:21.769 --> 00:17:23.630
been. chatting away there and we are going to

00:17:23.630 --> 00:17:25.750
be doing a part two talking specifically about

00:17:25.750 --> 00:17:28.950
the rules um but it is something that we treat

00:17:28.950 --> 00:17:31.269
as two very distinct documents there is a clear

00:17:31.269 --> 00:17:34.710
separation for us where the rules are things

00:17:34.710 --> 00:17:38.049
that govern my behavior we don't really talk

00:17:38.049 --> 00:17:39.829
a lot about your behavior and the rules your

00:17:39.829 --> 00:17:41.890
your responsibilities come more into the contract

00:17:41.890 --> 00:17:44.329
yeah and the rules are things that are more likely

00:17:44.329 --> 00:17:46.809
to change on a more regular basis and we do add

00:17:46.809 --> 00:17:48.650
to it fairly frequently and change the wording

00:17:48.650 --> 00:17:51.509
of things fairly frequently yeah certainly you

00:17:51.509 --> 00:17:53.369
know we're nearly two years into our relationship

00:17:53.369 --> 00:17:55.730
now and those first two years have been a period

00:17:55.730 --> 00:17:57.650
of a lot of development and change as we figure

00:17:57.650 --> 00:17:59.910
out what we need especially because for you this

00:17:59.910 --> 00:18:02.910
is your first really heavy dynamic so I had a

00:18:02.910 --> 00:18:04.809
bit more experience than you coming in and knew

00:18:04.809 --> 00:18:07.390
that that was exactly as you were talking about

00:18:07.390 --> 00:18:09.289
exactly what makes me feel most authentically

00:18:09.289 --> 00:18:11.190
myself in a relationship and it was very much

00:18:11.190 --> 00:18:13.710
what I needed and it's been beautiful to watch

00:18:13.710 --> 00:18:15.730
you go through that process and figure that out

00:18:15.730 --> 00:18:17.880
about yourself as well Because I think it was

00:18:17.880 --> 00:18:19.980
when we first got together, very much an unknown

00:18:19.980 --> 00:18:22.660
of how far on this path you would want to go.

00:18:22.759 --> 00:18:24.559
And I was really comfortable with what you had

00:18:24.559 --> 00:18:26.559
to offer and the relationship that we were building.

00:18:26.599 --> 00:18:28.400
But I didn't know if we would reach the total

00:18:28.400 --> 00:18:30.240
power exchange. So it was really exciting that

00:18:30.240 --> 00:18:35.220
we did. But because of all of that learning that's

00:18:35.220 --> 00:18:37.299
happened there and creating something new together,

00:18:37.359 --> 00:18:40.119
the rules have changed fairly frequently. By

00:18:40.119 --> 00:18:42.700
the time we got to writing our contract, which

00:18:42.700 --> 00:18:44.640
we did about 10 months into our relationship,

00:18:44.859 --> 00:18:47.359
there were certain elements that we knew were

00:18:47.359 --> 00:18:50.720
fairly fixed points that, you know, 20 years

00:18:50.720 --> 00:18:52.740
down the line might change and we might make

00:18:52.740 --> 00:18:54.099
some amendments to the contract, but they're

00:18:54.099 --> 00:18:55.380
not things that are going to be changing month

00:18:55.380 --> 00:18:57.740
to month. They are the underpinning of our relationship.

00:18:58.339 --> 00:19:01.839
That's what the contract is for us, is the structure

00:19:01.839 --> 00:19:04.259
that everything else is built around. Yeah, which

00:19:04.259 --> 00:19:07.039
is how good contracts work. You have a core contract

00:19:07.039 --> 00:19:09.569
and then you have... appendices which are the

00:19:09.569 --> 00:19:11.609
detail which is the way that we've got as as

00:19:11.609 --> 00:19:13.990
structured um and this we're on to our second

00:19:13.990 --> 00:19:16.849
contract as you said we said we signed our contract

00:19:16.849 --> 00:19:19.750
about 10 months into our relationship our first

00:19:19.750 --> 00:19:22.390
contract was we signed it for a year yeah so

00:19:22.390 --> 00:19:24.950
that we gave it a go gave it a good go for for

00:19:24.950 --> 00:19:27.849
12 months and then we make a conscious decision

00:19:27.849 --> 00:19:31.089
about how that's feeling that doesn't mean that

00:19:31.089 --> 00:19:33.250
we couldn't talk about it throughout the year

00:19:33.250 --> 00:19:36.890
and we did um But I think because it was so new

00:19:36.890 --> 00:19:40.690
to me and like a huge responsibility. Yeah. You

00:19:40.690 --> 00:19:43.450
know, to a lot of the stuff that's about me in

00:19:43.450 --> 00:19:45.170
the contract is stuff that I was doing anyway.

00:19:45.309 --> 00:19:47.730
But to have it so formal kind of felt like a

00:19:47.730 --> 00:19:49.809
really big deal. Yeah. I was like, what if I

00:19:49.809 --> 00:19:54.329
can't do this? You know, so we signed it for

00:19:54.329 --> 00:19:58.230
a year. Yeah. And then we recently reviewed it.

00:19:58.309 --> 00:20:00.930
I think made some fairly minor changes. It was

00:20:00.930 --> 00:20:03.210
mainly, yeah, it was mainly sort of wording tweaks

00:20:03.210 --> 00:20:06.690
and clarification. Yeah, yeah. So we signed a

00:20:06.690 --> 00:20:10.589
new version of that recently, which is an open

00:20:10.589 --> 00:20:15.269
-ended contract. Forever. Which is pretty cool.

00:20:15.490 --> 00:20:18.250
Yeah. I really like that. That's just a feature

00:20:18.250 --> 00:20:22.670
of our relationship now. And we still keep it

00:20:22.670 --> 00:20:25.869
under review. But with no requirement to sign

00:20:25.869 --> 00:20:27.809
a new one unless we have changes to make. Yeah.

00:20:27.849 --> 00:20:30.150
So this contract could potentially be the contract

00:20:30.150 --> 00:20:31.930
that we have for the rest of our lives. Yeah.

00:20:32.690 --> 00:20:36.299
Yeah. with how much we i know but with how much

00:20:36.299 --> 00:20:38.640
we talk about kink and what giant sex nerds we

00:20:38.640 --> 00:20:40.299
are i would be surprised if at some point we

00:20:40.299 --> 00:20:42.160
don't think about something we want to add to

00:20:42.160 --> 00:20:45.579
it or change yeah yeah i feel like there is a

00:20:45.579 --> 00:20:47.720
real risk that as we make this episode and the

00:20:47.720 --> 00:20:49.119
next one because we're going to be looking at

00:20:49.119 --> 00:20:51.220
the contract and the rules in so much depth we're

00:20:51.220 --> 00:20:52.519
going to finish recording these two episodes

00:20:52.519 --> 00:20:54.440
and be like We need to make some changes. We

00:20:54.440 --> 00:20:56.299
need to change some shit here. Hang on, that

00:20:56.299 --> 00:20:58.400
doesn't make sense. But it's good we're getting

00:20:58.400 --> 00:21:00.579
a little bonus review. A little bonus review,

00:21:00.640 --> 00:21:04.140
like the time that you talked about your cigarette

00:21:04.140 --> 00:21:07.250
limit and somebody pointed out that... Your limit

00:21:07.250 --> 00:21:10.410
is 105, not 90. Yes, it was when I was talking

00:21:10.410 --> 00:21:12.190
about the rules on TikTok. I was talking about

00:21:12.190 --> 00:21:14.930
my cigarette limit, which is 15 a day, or I confidently

00:21:14.930 --> 00:21:17.650
said 90 a week. We'd had that written down for,

00:21:17.789 --> 00:21:20.029
I think we'd had that specific limit for at least

00:21:20.029 --> 00:21:22.250
six months. Yeah, yeah. I hadn't reduced in a

00:21:22.250 --> 00:21:25.690
while. And it was, to be fair, it was thousands

00:21:25.690 --> 00:21:27.890
and thousands of views on that video. And it

00:21:27.890 --> 00:21:29.369
wasn't until it'd been up for three or four days

00:21:29.369 --> 00:21:31.269
that someone actually did the math and said,

00:21:31.369 --> 00:21:34.369
if you're smoking 15 a day, that's 105 a week.

00:21:34.730 --> 00:21:36.869
I looked at it and I was like, no, this is someone

00:21:36.869 --> 00:21:38.869
either taking the piss or someone who's just

00:21:38.869 --> 00:21:41.069
done really bad maths. There's no way we've both

00:21:41.069 --> 00:21:43.349
got this wrong. And it's passed a monthly review

00:21:43.349 --> 00:21:45.809
for six months without either of us noticing.

00:21:46.009 --> 00:21:47.890
And then I did the maths, which is quite simple

00:21:47.890 --> 00:21:50.150
maths, really. Yeah, really, really simple. Really

00:21:50.150 --> 00:21:53.470
simple maths. And it was like, ah, yeah. I've

00:21:53.470 --> 00:21:55.130
never even noticed that the limit was wrong.

00:21:55.230 --> 00:21:57.869
But we then fixed it. We have fixed it, yes.

00:21:58.029 --> 00:22:01.630
So shall we start talking about the contract

00:22:01.630 --> 00:22:08.910
itself? Me. She's eating the carpet mix. She's

00:22:08.910 --> 00:22:11.569
so hungry she's eating the carpet. For fuck's

00:22:11.569 --> 00:22:14.789
sake. No. Seeing you with the cats gives me insight

00:22:14.789 --> 00:22:17.410
into how you would be if I was a brat. It's fascinating.

00:22:17.769 --> 00:22:20.170
They get the Don voice way more often than me.

00:22:21.329 --> 00:22:23.609
So, yeah, we're going to go through each of the

00:22:23.609 --> 00:22:26.849
sections of the contract one by one. And the

00:22:26.849 --> 00:22:30.130
first one, as with all good contracts. It's actually

00:22:30.130 --> 00:22:32.329
talking about the contract. It is the overall

00:22:32.329 --> 00:22:36.470
agreement. So it kind of has a start date in

00:22:36.470 --> 00:22:39.910
there. It kind of names us as the parties to

00:22:39.910 --> 00:22:42.410
the contract. Yeah, full government name in there.

00:22:42.569 --> 00:22:45.990
Full government name in there, yeah, which is

00:22:45.990 --> 00:22:50.430
terrifying. But also, as a lot of contracts do,

00:22:50.470 --> 00:22:53.369
kind of herein referred to as the owner, herein

00:22:53.369 --> 00:22:58.019
referred to as the slave. And it sets out that

00:22:58.019 --> 00:23:00.640
really broad overview of it. It sets the term

00:23:00.640 --> 00:23:03.779
of it, which is open -ended on that version.

00:23:03.940 --> 00:23:06.160
And it's just one of those examples for me of

00:23:06.160 --> 00:23:08.240
one of those really nice things about this is

00:23:08.240 --> 00:23:11.099
how a proper contract would start. Sets the tone.

00:23:11.220 --> 00:23:13.420
Sets the tone, you know, definitions, scope,

00:23:13.579 --> 00:23:15.940
dates, things like that. And I just really, I

00:23:15.940 --> 00:23:18.140
just got a little weird little kick out of that

00:23:18.140 --> 00:23:22.240
bit. That was the thing that I really enjoyed

00:23:22.240 --> 00:23:24.900
about the contract writing process with you is

00:23:24.900 --> 00:23:27.549
that. we both got a weird little kick out of

00:23:27.549 --> 00:23:30.470
it it felt like it started as sort of this is

00:23:30.470 --> 00:23:32.369
important admin it's something that will value

00:23:32.369 --> 00:23:34.150
but i don't think either of us had anticipated

00:23:34.150 --> 00:23:37.069
quite how horny we would get about it yeah yeah

00:23:37.069 --> 00:23:39.970
it's really it was dead exciting yeah and it's

00:23:39.970 --> 00:23:43.710
quite hot you know to say you you buy what what

00:23:43.710 --> 00:23:48.450
does it say um The slave is binding itself totally

00:23:48.450 --> 00:23:50.990
and completely without limit and irrevocably

00:23:50.990 --> 00:23:53.130
in submission to the owner. Like, that's really

00:23:53.130 --> 00:23:56.930
hot. Yeah. Just as a sentence. Yeah. You know,

00:23:56.970 --> 00:23:59.589
proper legal speak, but really, really sexy.

00:23:59.809 --> 00:24:03.990
Yeah. I was just going to say. One of the things

00:24:03.990 --> 00:24:05.769
I really like about this section and about the

00:24:05.769 --> 00:24:08.349
contract is how it clarifies that you will be

00:24:08.349 --> 00:24:11.950
referred to as they with a capital T, which is

00:24:11.950 --> 00:24:14.349
part of our protocol, and that I will be referred

00:24:14.349 --> 00:24:16.509
to as it. I love when you refer to me as it.

00:24:16.630 --> 00:24:19.369
I'm also a they, and sometimes you will say they,

00:24:19.490 --> 00:24:21.750
but when we're talking the formal structure of

00:24:21.750 --> 00:24:24.650
our relationship or when we're playing, I'm an

00:24:24.650 --> 00:24:27.750
it then, and I like that. Yes, you are property.

00:24:27.970 --> 00:24:31.039
You are an object. Yes, I am. To be owned and

00:24:31.039 --> 00:24:37.640
used. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. So the next section

00:24:37.640 --> 00:24:40.500
is the affirmation starting with mine. And these

00:24:40.500 --> 00:24:42.559
are the commitments that I'm making under the

00:24:42.559 --> 00:24:45.140
contract and the things that I am agreeing to

00:24:45.140 --> 00:24:47.500
and confirming that I've understood. So it talks

00:24:47.500 --> 00:24:49.000
about the fact that I'm signing the contract

00:24:49.000 --> 00:24:51.440
of my own free will without pressure or coercion.

00:24:51.480 --> 00:24:53.740
Although my submission can feel quite involuntary

00:24:53.740 --> 00:24:56.339
at times, it's important when I'm agreeing to

00:24:56.339 --> 00:24:58.240
what that actually looks like on a practical

00:24:58.240 --> 00:25:01.099
basis, how I submit, the things that I will and

00:25:01.099 --> 00:25:03.539
won't include within that, that I'm doing it

00:25:03.539 --> 00:25:07.019
very clearly and consciously. There might be

00:25:07.019 --> 00:25:08.880
elements of my submission that don't fall within

00:25:08.880 --> 00:25:10.579
the contract or the rules that just organically

00:25:10.579 --> 00:25:12.380
happen. But when I'm making a commitment to do

00:25:12.380 --> 00:25:13.799
something forever, it's got to be the stuff that

00:25:13.799 --> 00:25:16.299
we've agreed. And along with that, confirming

00:25:16.299 --> 00:25:18.619
that I understand the contract as well and that

00:25:18.619 --> 00:25:21.599
I want it to be enforced. Yeah. I think there's

00:25:21.599 --> 00:25:23.960
some things in there that I really like about

00:25:23.960 --> 00:25:26.480
this section as well. You know, it's not just

00:25:26.480 --> 00:25:29.039
about you understanding the meaning and implication

00:25:29.039 --> 00:25:31.480
of the contract. There's some obligations in

00:25:31.480 --> 00:25:36.679
there for you to communicate with me. particularly

00:25:36.679 --> 00:25:39.839
if you know kind of what does it say openly discussed

00:25:39.839 --> 00:25:41.539
with the owner if their use of it is causing

00:25:41.539 --> 00:25:43.819
undue distress or if it feels unable to fulfill

00:25:43.819 --> 00:25:46.559
the duties required of it yes and i like that

00:25:46.559 --> 00:25:48.759
that doesn't it doesn't give me the power to

00:25:48.759 --> 00:25:51.160
say you have to stop that it's that i have a

00:25:51.160 --> 00:25:53.460
duty to communicate and be clear with you about

00:25:53.460 --> 00:25:55.279
what the impact of your behavior is having on

00:25:55.279 --> 00:25:58.400
me yeah And then as we all come on to, you have

00:25:58.400 --> 00:26:01.440
responsibilities also within this contract to

00:26:01.440 --> 00:26:03.299
respond appropriately to that. But it's never

00:26:03.299 --> 00:26:05.480
as black and white as if I don't like it, you

00:26:05.480 --> 00:26:07.480
have to stop. Because the whole point of this

00:26:07.480 --> 00:26:09.980
is about a very large, very significant transfer

00:26:09.980 --> 00:26:13.500
of power and authority. So I don't want to have

00:26:13.500 --> 00:26:15.559
it be as simple as don't want to do that anymore.

00:26:15.720 --> 00:26:18.299
And then it all stops. But the communication

00:26:18.299 --> 00:26:21.720
is there. And all of this, it really sort of

00:26:21.720 --> 00:26:23.559
reaffirms that the contract has been created

00:26:23.559 --> 00:26:26.269
from a position of equality. where we're both

00:26:26.269 --> 00:26:28.529
making sure that the relationship we're creating

00:26:28.529 --> 00:26:31.569
together meets our needs. There is a sort of

00:26:31.569 --> 00:26:33.630
pornified version of submission, I guess, that

00:26:33.630 --> 00:26:34.990
you hear people talking about, where it's like

00:26:34.990 --> 00:26:36.529
the submissive shouldn't have any needs. The

00:26:36.529 --> 00:26:38.450
whole point of being a submissive is just to

00:26:38.450 --> 00:26:41.809
be dominated. And it's like, but even if you

00:26:41.809 --> 00:26:43.930
are at that really extreme end of submission

00:26:43.930 --> 00:26:45.609
where you really don't feel like you have any

00:26:45.609 --> 00:26:48.690
independent needs in yourself, that is an independent

00:26:48.690 --> 00:26:51.769
need. To be completely dominated is a need that

00:26:51.769 --> 00:26:55.069
needs to be fulfilled. so when we're creating

00:26:55.069 --> 00:26:58.210
that i need to explain to you how i get that

00:26:58.210 --> 00:27:01.849
need met and how i get my my needs met in general

00:27:01.849 --> 00:27:04.269
within the relationship and then we're free to

00:27:04.269 --> 00:27:06.789
play in the space of no i have no control over

00:27:06.789 --> 00:27:09.190
what's going on anything could happen to me because

00:27:09.190 --> 00:27:11.210
we've already agreed what that needs to look

00:27:11.210 --> 00:27:13.089
like and feel like for both of us for it to be

00:27:13.089 --> 00:27:15.829
right yeah and there's a it's a kind of slippery

00:27:15.829 --> 00:27:18.829
slope that sort of assumption that the submissive

00:27:18.829 --> 00:27:21.089
has no needs or wants other than being completely

00:27:21.089 --> 00:27:24.319
dominated And you see it a lot, kind of people

00:27:24.319 --> 00:27:26.759
being treated as kink dispensers. Yeah. And in

00:27:26.759 --> 00:27:28.539
that kind of scenario, that's kind of how it

00:27:28.539 --> 00:27:30.619
would feel. Yeah. Is if you were just completely

00:27:30.619 --> 00:27:33.720
meek and neutral, it would feel strange to me.

00:27:34.019 --> 00:27:37.440
It's a bit like when people come forward and

00:27:37.440 --> 00:27:39.319
say, I have no limits, do anything you like to

00:27:39.319 --> 00:27:41.440
me. Okay, I'm going to chop your feet off then.

00:27:43.519 --> 00:27:46.019
Suddenly you've got limits. It's like, yeah.

00:27:46.400 --> 00:27:49.440
Lack of imagination. Really weird. kind of space

00:27:49.440 --> 00:27:52.720
to be in if it's all one way. Yeah. Because no

00:27:52.720 --> 00:27:54.539
relationship is like that. No. It doesn't matter

00:27:54.539 --> 00:27:56.220
how kinky it is. It doesn't matter what the power

00:27:56.220 --> 00:27:58.799
exchange is like. No relationship works like

00:27:58.799 --> 00:28:02.019
that. Definitely. So why should this one? Yeah.

00:28:02.200 --> 00:28:05.740
I like this. um as well it includes that i will

00:28:05.740 --> 00:28:07.779
trust you to protect my well -being at all times

00:28:07.779 --> 00:28:10.119
and submit unconditionally on that basis and

00:28:10.119 --> 00:28:12.700
then that's reflected in in one of the the things

00:28:12.700 --> 00:28:14.740
that you affirm in your section about protecting

00:28:14.740 --> 00:28:17.000
my well -being so the things that i am agreeing

00:28:17.000 --> 00:28:18.740
to in the contract balance the things that you're

00:28:18.740 --> 00:28:20.799
agreeing to they're they're intertwined with

00:28:20.799 --> 00:28:23.220
each other and you know so there's that kind

00:28:23.220 --> 00:28:25.019
of underlying we're both in it for the right

00:28:25.019 --> 00:28:26.759
reasons we're both going to act in good faith

00:28:26.759 --> 00:28:31.859
um as part of a as part of our relationship yeah

00:28:32.640 --> 00:28:34.819
And it comes back to that as well when it talks

00:28:34.819 --> 00:28:38.099
about me being free to ask questions, have discussions,

00:28:38.240 --> 00:28:40.640
you know, giving you that feedback. It's not

00:28:40.640 --> 00:28:43.140
just about me saying, hey, that's distressing

00:28:43.140 --> 00:28:45.420
me and I don't like it. Can we talk about it?

00:28:45.460 --> 00:28:48.559
Which is important. too but also asking for clarification

00:28:48.559 --> 00:28:51.579
opening up discussions generally being able to

00:28:51.579 --> 00:28:53.420
take a lead on requesting things are reviewed

00:28:53.420 --> 00:28:56.140
if needed it's not once i've signed this i'm

00:28:56.140 --> 00:28:58.880
now completely passive and all i can do is say

00:28:58.880 --> 00:29:00.480
i'm having a great time or i'm having a shit

00:29:00.480 --> 00:29:03.200
time it's also i'm still involved in the creation

00:29:03.200 --> 00:29:05.640
of this and everything that changes moving forward

00:29:05.640 --> 00:29:08.019
needs my input so i have a set of affirmations

00:29:08.019 --> 00:29:10.680
that i make as well um and this this kind of

00:29:10.680 --> 00:29:12.500
felt really big for me because when you write

00:29:12.500 --> 00:29:14.630
some of this stuff down and you read it allowed

00:29:14.630 --> 00:29:17.589
you think shit that's a lot yeah that's quite

00:29:17.589 --> 00:29:19.230
a lot of responsibility you have a really big

00:29:19.230 --> 00:29:21.349
job like i would not i mean i'm not a dominant

00:29:21.349 --> 00:29:23.190
but i would be terrified of the responsibility

00:29:23.190 --> 00:29:24.789
that comes with being a dominant particularly

00:29:24.789 --> 00:29:26.930
in a heavy dynamic i think you handle it incredibly

00:29:26.930 --> 00:29:30.809
thanks but a lot of the stuff in this section

00:29:30.809 --> 00:29:32.609
to be fair a lot of the stuff in this section

00:29:32.609 --> 00:29:35.309
is about my responsibility to take care of you

00:29:35.309 --> 00:29:38.309
and i suppose in recognition of the phenomenal

00:29:38.309 --> 00:29:40.549
amount of control and power that this contract

00:29:40.549 --> 00:29:43.549
gives me yeah it's i have to do that I have to

00:29:43.549 --> 00:29:46.230
wield that power and use that control in a responsible

00:29:46.230 --> 00:29:49.170
way. So, you know, it literally said, I understand

00:29:49.170 --> 00:29:51.309
the contract and I will go into this in good

00:29:51.309 --> 00:29:54.069
faith and I will protect your well -being at

00:29:54.069 --> 00:29:55.869
all times. Although there is a really nice clause

00:29:55.869 --> 00:29:58.549
that follows that that says, however, the owner

00:29:58.549 --> 00:30:00.809
may choose at their sole discretion. Another

00:30:00.809 --> 00:30:04.230
great phrase that I like to see. To cause the

00:30:04.230 --> 00:30:07.029
slave suffering and distress. Yeah. Because that's

00:30:07.029 --> 00:30:10.509
part of how we roll. Yeah. I do love some suffering

00:30:10.509 --> 00:30:16.029
and distress. You do. You do. And I guess, you

00:30:16.029 --> 00:30:18.710
know, it balances out that big picture responsibility.

00:30:18.750 --> 00:30:21.349
I have to take care of you as my property has

00:30:21.349 --> 00:30:24.170
to find in this contract versus I'm going to

00:30:24.170 --> 00:30:27.190
do some shit to you. You know, I'm going to,

00:30:27.190 --> 00:30:30.130
for want of a better phrase, I'm going to use

00:30:30.130 --> 00:30:35.230
my power for nefarious ends. I do love when you

00:30:35.230 --> 00:30:38.750
use your power for nefarious ends. Which is always,

00:30:38.910 --> 00:30:45.309
always, always fun. So, yeah, a lot of my affirmations

00:30:45.309 --> 00:30:47.250
here are about understanding the responsibility

00:30:47.250 --> 00:30:49.190
that comes with it, understanding the privilege,

00:30:49.390 --> 00:30:53.970
actually, of owning you within the context of

00:30:53.970 --> 00:30:55.910
the contract. It's like, that's a big deal, and

00:30:55.910 --> 00:30:58.089
it isn't something that you give lightly. It's

00:30:58.089 --> 00:31:00.670
not something that you allow lightly. Yeah, definitely.

00:31:00.670 --> 00:31:04.849
And I have to, you know, quite rightly, I have

00:31:04.849 --> 00:31:07.890
to recognise that for what it is, which is absolutely

00:31:07.890 --> 00:31:12.170
massive. because there's a phrase that gets thrown

00:31:12.170 --> 00:31:14.289
around a lot which can sometimes get a little

00:31:14.289 --> 00:31:16.490
bit cringe depending on how it's used but about

00:31:16.490 --> 00:31:18.710
submission is earned yeah yeah talking about

00:31:18.710 --> 00:31:20.369
that yeah yeah and it's like yeah sometimes people

00:31:20.369 --> 00:31:22.849
throw it around to basically almost like inflate

00:31:22.849 --> 00:31:24.450
their sort of role within the relationship to

00:31:24.450 --> 00:31:25.670
the point where they're more important than their

00:31:25.670 --> 00:31:27.990
partner it's like my submission is is really

00:31:27.990 --> 00:31:29.970
really important especially submission is a gift

00:31:29.970 --> 00:31:31.289
is another one that gets thrown around which

00:31:31.289 --> 00:31:34.740
i like um and it's like sometimes those are kind

00:31:34.740 --> 00:31:37.140
of misused and used to sort of bolster people's

00:31:37.140 --> 00:31:40.380
ego and and reduce the understanding of of the

00:31:40.380 --> 00:31:42.059
importance of the dominant in that relationship

00:31:42.059 --> 00:31:44.299
and how their dominance is just as valuable and

00:31:44.299 --> 00:31:46.619
important and as much hard work if not more sometimes

00:31:46.619 --> 00:31:50.319
but also yes like the level of submission that

00:31:50.319 --> 00:31:52.920
i give does have to be earned and it is a really

00:31:52.920 --> 00:31:55.660
valuable gift which i would say that the same

00:31:55.660 --> 00:31:58.640
for your your dominance like i we need to give

00:31:58.640 --> 00:32:00.660
each other energy there needs to be fair exchange

00:32:00.660 --> 00:32:03.720
there to bring out the best of those roles in

00:32:03.720 --> 00:32:06.640
us. Yeah, yeah. But the contract recognising

00:32:06.640 --> 00:32:10.000
that I think is important because it is a big

00:32:10.000 --> 00:32:11.940
thing that I hand over. You have full control

00:32:11.940 --> 00:32:14.440
over pretty much every aspect of my life. Yeah,

00:32:14.440 --> 00:32:17.089
yeah. that's serious business yeah that is a

00:32:17.089 --> 00:32:19.490
lot just on that as a bit of an aside then so

00:32:19.490 --> 00:32:22.390
alongside that kind of submission is earned and

00:32:22.390 --> 00:32:25.029
submission is a gift narrative that you see is

00:32:25.029 --> 00:32:27.509
the the idea that actually the person who has

00:32:27.509 --> 00:32:29.730
all of the power in a ds relationship is the

00:32:29.730 --> 00:32:31.750
submissive yeah because following the logic that

00:32:31.750 --> 00:32:33.990
nothing happens to the submissive that the submissive

00:32:33.990 --> 00:32:37.059
doesn't allow it to happen to them yeah i guess

00:32:37.059 --> 00:32:39.880
i'm just interested in your view of that as well

00:32:39.880 --> 00:32:42.799
because again it feels a little bit cliche yeah

00:32:42.799 --> 00:32:45.400
and i think it's it's a massive oversimplification

00:32:45.400 --> 00:32:48.480
i think yes nothing in a healthy ds relationship

00:32:48.480 --> 00:32:50.359
in a consensual ds relationship nothing will

00:32:50.359 --> 00:32:51.960
happen to the submissive that they haven't agreed

00:32:51.960 --> 00:32:54.339
and they have all the power to stop things happening

00:32:54.339 --> 00:32:56.160
to them but so does the dominant the dominant

00:32:56.160 --> 00:32:58.180
consent is really important the dominant well

00:32:58.180 --> 00:33:01.140
-being is really important so i as a submissive

00:33:01.140 --> 00:33:03.779
can go i i am absolutely fine for you to chop

00:33:03.779 --> 00:33:05.700
my feet off i'm not going to say that but if

00:33:05.700 --> 00:33:09.880
i um you as a dominant can go hell no i'm not

00:33:09.880 --> 00:33:12.099
doing that yeah i'm not risking going to prison

00:33:12.099 --> 00:33:14.099
i'm not risking you dying on me i don't want

00:33:14.099 --> 00:33:16.460
the bloodstains on my carpet whatever your objections

00:33:16.460 --> 00:33:19.599
are you can make them and you can say no both

00:33:19.599 --> 00:33:21.779
or all people in this kind of relationship have

00:33:21.779 --> 00:33:25.039
the ability to decide where those limits are

00:33:25.039 --> 00:33:26.700
and what they are and are not going to agree

00:33:26.700 --> 00:33:29.700
to and unless you've negotiated the level of

00:33:29.700 --> 00:33:31.900
sort of total power exchange consensual non -consent

00:33:32.849 --> 00:33:36.009
where I've agreed to give up some of my rights

00:33:36.009 --> 00:33:39.089
to revoke consent. If that hasn't been specifically

00:33:39.089 --> 00:33:41.589
agreed, both people also have the right to revoke

00:33:41.589 --> 00:33:44.049
consent at any time and put a stop to it. And

00:33:44.049 --> 00:33:45.890
even in the level of dynamic we have, there are

00:33:45.890 --> 00:33:48.190
circumstances in this contract that do give me

00:33:48.190 --> 00:33:52.670
that right. I think a healthy DS relationship

00:33:52.670 --> 00:33:56.309
starts from a position of equality and everyone

00:33:56.309 --> 00:33:59.250
involved looking to get their needs met, acknowledging

00:33:59.250 --> 00:34:00.990
that those needs are very different from each

00:34:00.990 --> 00:34:03.390
other and should balance each other where your

00:34:03.390 --> 00:34:05.750
need to take control balances with my need to

00:34:05.750 --> 00:34:08.550
give up control. And then you build a relationship

00:34:08.550 --> 00:34:11.210
together where everyone's consent is being taken

00:34:11.210 --> 00:34:15.809
into account and what rights people have to put

00:34:15.809 --> 00:34:18.369
a stop to that are very clearly defined and agreed.

00:34:19.210 --> 00:34:22.510
and in that situation then there isn't one person

00:34:22.510 --> 00:34:24.389
who has more control over that than the other

00:34:24.389 --> 00:34:26.949
um there will be one person who ends up with

00:34:26.949 --> 00:34:29.070
more authority than the other can make things

00:34:29.070 --> 00:34:31.349
happen to the other and that person is is the

00:34:31.349 --> 00:34:34.449
dominant not the same person um but it's coming

00:34:34.449 --> 00:34:36.829
from a place of what everyone needs is really

00:34:36.829 --> 00:34:38.690
really important here let's make sure that that's

00:34:38.690 --> 00:34:41.789
honored yeah yeah and you can kind of see where

00:34:41.789 --> 00:34:44.090
that narrative comes from because what i think

00:34:44.090 --> 00:34:46.570
what that is trying to combat isn't the entitlement

00:34:46.570 --> 00:34:49.380
of people who call themselves dominant Well,

00:34:49.380 --> 00:34:51.599
you are submissive, so you just do what I say

00:34:51.599 --> 00:34:54.039
and fuck all the rest of it. And to combat the

00:34:54.039 --> 00:34:55.980
social stigma around it as well, where the perception

00:34:55.980 --> 00:34:58.719
from the outside of King looking in can be very

00:34:58.719 --> 00:35:02.380
much, this is just people abusing other people

00:35:02.380 --> 00:35:04.559
who are maybe very vulnerable and very passive

00:35:04.559 --> 00:35:06.679
and just allowing it to happen. And it's like,

00:35:06.719 --> 00:35:09.639
actually, no, when this is done right, I can

00:35:09.639 --> 00:35:10.900
understand people wanting to flip it and go,

00:35:10.920 --> 00:35:12.920
it's the submissive who's in control, but actually

00:35:12.920 --> 00:35:16.210
in a healthy relationship. The starting point

00:35:16.210 --> 00:35:18.190
is no one is in control and any control that

00:35:18.190 --> 00:35:20.150
anyone gets over the other is consensually agreed.

00:35:20.610 --> 00:35:23.449
Yeah. So it's not flipping it around. I don't

00:35:23.449 --> 00:35:26.269
think it's helpful. Yeah. Yeah. It's a good jumping

00:35:26.269 --> 00:35:31.289
off point, but it's as a teachable moment, it

00:35:31.289 --> 00:35:34.449
lacks nuance. Yeah. I think. Yeah. No, that makes

00:35:34.449 --> 00:35:38.010
a lot of sense. And unsurprisingly, I agree with

00:35:38.010 --> 00:35:39.789
you. It is one of those things where you see

00:35:39.789 --> 00:35:45.400
it on the internet so often and you go. Yeah,

00:35:45.400 --> 00:35:49.440
but really? Yeah. You know, it's more nuanced

00:35:49.440 --> 00:35:51.559
than that. So a couple of other things linking

00:35:51.559 --> 00:35:54.679
back to your affirmations. So you have a responsibility

00:35:54.679 --> 00:35:58.800
to communicate and be open in there. My responsibility

00:35:58.800 --> 00:36:02.920
is to do the same, but also to receive that communication

00:36:02.920 --> 00:36:08.130
in good faith and act accordingly. you know whenever

00:36:08.130 --> 00:36:10.150
you have an opinion or whenever you have something

00:36:10.150 --> 00:36:12.489
that you want to say about our relationship about

00:36:12.489 --> 00:36:14.449
our dynamic about the things we're doing i will

00:36:14.449 --> 00:36:17.469
treat that with respect yeah and i will um give

00:36:17.469 --> 00:36:20.670
it careful consideration and actually if you

00:36:20.670 --> 00:36:23.769
do say this is too much i can't cope with this

00:36:23.769 --> 00:36:26.750
whether it's a rule or a scene or something i

00:36:26.750 --> 00:36:29.170
do to you you communicating that to me i don't

00:36:29.170 --> 00:36:31.849
see that as a sign of failure yeah in you i won't

00:36:31.849 --> 00:36:33.710
be disappointed in you yeah i think which is

00:36:33.710 --> 00:36:36.920
really important yes and again it doesn't guarantee

00:36:36.920 --> 00:36:39.219
that you're just gonna go okay yeah that's fine

00:36:39.219 --> 00:36:41.460
i'll change it you receive it in good faith you

00:36:41.460 --> 00:36:43.320
take it under careful consideration you're not

00:36:43.320 --> 00:36:45.739
disappointed in me for asking but there might

00:36:45.739 --> 00:36:47.920
be this has never happened but there might be

00:36:47.920 --> 00:36:50.900
times where i say that and you go actually i

00:36:50.900 --> 00:36:53.000
think what's going to be best to develop you

00:36:53.000 --> 00:36:55.679
to encourage your growth to help you deepen your

00:36:55.679 --> 00:36:57.400
submission is i'm going to push this a little

00:36:57.400 --> 00:37:00.380
bit and i want you to keep trying yeah because

00:37:00.380 --> 00:37:03.880
you still have the final say but what this does

00:37:04.559 --> 00:37:06.340
say is is that you're not allowed to just dismiss

00:37:06.340 --> 00:37:08.820
it yeah or get mad at me for asking yeah yeah

00:37:08.820 --> 00:37:12.579
which i like yeah yeah and if you think about

00:37:12.579 --> 00:37:15.599
it a lot of this stuff boils down to a lot of

00:37:15.599 --> 00:37:17.239
this stuff just boils down to well that's how

00:37:17.239 --> 00:37:19.699
good relationships work isn't it yeah you know

00:37:19.699 --> 00:37:21.900
i have that a lot especially when you say really

00:37:21.900 --> 00:37:24.199
nice things about me well that's just what you

00:37:24.199 --> 00:37:25.900
do you know oh you're really good at this you're

00:37:25.900 --> 00:37:27.880
really good at that i'm like well yeah because

00:37:27.880 --> 00:37:32.579
i'm a normal human being you know aside from

00:37:32.579 --> 00:37:35.880
my ridiculous perversion i'm a normal human being

00:37:35.880 --> 00:37:38.980
why would i do anything different in that um

00:37:38.980 --> 00:37:41.139
but in this context it just feels like a really

00:37:41.139 --> 00:37:43.739
important point to make of you're going to give

00:37:43.739 --> 00:37:45.980
me all of this power and that doesn't mean that

00:37:45.980 --> 00:37:48.780
i can act with impunity yeah get mad at you if

00:37:48.780 --> 00:37:53.579
you're not being a good submissive you know so

00:37:53.579 --> 00:37:56.619
the next section is uh general and this is covering

00:37:56.619 --> 00:37:58.900
things that i would consider essentially the

00:37:58.900 --> 00:38:02.400
foundation rules These are the things that I

00:38:02.400 --> 00:38:05.440
am required to do that are not in the rules themselves.

00:38:05.539 --> 00:38:07.960
They're not things that are likely to change

00:38:07.960 --> 00:38:12.099
any time in the next good few years. A lot of

00:38:12.099 --> 00:38:14.280
these refer back to the rules as well, so they'll

00:38:14.280 --> 00:38:16.690
give a kind of general... underpinning rule that

00:38:16.690 --> 00:38:19.329
is a part of the foundation structure of the

00:38:19.329 --> 00:38:21.349
relationship but then the specifics of that are

00:38:21.349 --> 00:38:22.969
defined in the rules because the specifics might

00:38:22.969 --> 00:38:25.530
change but the baseline doesn't so it starts

00:38:25.530 --> 00:38:27.289
out strong by saying that i am the exclusive

00:38:27.289 --> 00:38:29.949
property of the owner and have no rights other

00:38:29.949 --> 00:38:32.170
than those granted to me by the owner or set

00:38:32.170 --> 00:38:34.510
out in this contract which i i love just like

00:38:34.989 --> 00:38:37.989
yeah yeah and again it's just a really cool kind

00:38:37.989 --> 00:38:40.610
of legally sentence isn't it yes really nice

00:38:40.610 --> 00:38:43.409
yeah and then following on from that it talks

00:38:43.409 --> 00:38:46.030
about um free use so there is in the next section

00:38:46.030 --> 00:38:48.489
a lot more detail around free use um but states

00:38:48.489 --> 00:38:51.050
that i have no rights to revoke consent for free

00:38:51.050 --> 00:38:54.869
use except those set out in the contract um it

00:38:54.869 --> 00:38:56.909
talks about domestic service which is something

00:38:56.909 --> 00:38:59.010
that we will probably do a whole episode on at

00:38:59.010 --> 00:39:01.869
some point because it is one of my absolute top

00:39:01.869 --> 00:39:04.780
kinks in a really Interesting way because it's

00:39:04.780 --> 00:39:07.119
very much not sexual for me. Yeah, yeah. But

00:39:07.119 --> 00:39:09.679
the need to serve and make myself useful around

00:39:09.679 --> 00:39:11.679
the house is something that I consider like...

00:39:11.800 --> 00:39:14.559
top priority. So that explains why it made it

00:39:14.559 --> 00:39:17.440
into the contract. It references that the specifics

00:39:17.440 --> 00:39:19.320
of that are laid out in the rules because exactly

00:39:19.320 --> 00:39:21.000
what you want me to do around the house might

00:39:21.000 --> 00:39:23.780
change. But the basic expectation is that one

00:39:23.780 --> 00:39:26.300
of the elements of my role is domestic service.

00:39:26.519 --> 00:39:28.719
And so that is in the contract. It talks about

00:39:28.719 --> 00:39:31.519
a requirement of me to immediately obey any order

00:39:31.519 --> 00:39:33.579
or instructions, perform any actions demanded

00:39:33.579 --> 00:39:36.219
by the owner. Again, because just because we

00:39:36.219 --> 00:39:37.480
think we've thought of everything we possibly

00:39:37.480 --> 00:39:39.780
can for the contract and the rules doesn't mean

00:39:39.780 --> 00:39:40.820
that you're not going to want me to do other

00:39:40.820 --> 00:39:42.960
stuff. sometimes and it's one of the things is

00:39:42.960 --> 00:39:46.800
how we do that yeah kind of our internal language

00:39:46.800 --> 00:39:48.719
i suppose or the language of our relationship

00:39:48.719 --> 00:39:51.900
it can is probably very different to your average

00:39:51.900 --> 00:39:55.300
non -kinky type of relationship where if i see

00:39:55.300 --> 00:39:57.739
that a task needs to be done around the house

00:39:57.739 --> 00:40:01.260
outside of this context i might i will either

00:40:01.260 --> 00:40:04.500
do it or i will say this needs to be done who's

00:40:04.500 --> 00:40:06.760
going to do it yeah whereas within this context

00:40:06.760 --> 00:40:08.920
i will identify that the litter trays need doing

00:40:08.920 --> 00:40:10.920
yeah it's like I need you to deal with the letter

00:40:10.920 --> 00:40:13.219
trade today. Yeah. Not even a please or a thank

00:40:13.219 --> 00:40:15.440
you. Yeah. Which has been another thing that

00:40:15.440 --> 00:40:18.500
I've loved seeing develop in you because very

00:40:18.500 --> 00:40:20.320
early on we introduced domestic service into

00:40:20.320 --> 00:40:21.760
the relationship. Even before we were living

00:40:21.760 --> 00:40:23.340
together, when I came over, I would wash up.

00:40:24.380 --> 00:40:26.619
That's just what I do when I'm submissive to

00:40:26.619 --> 00:40:30.380
someone. But when you first started embracing

00:40:30.380 --> 00:40:33.039
that, it was very much, please, can you do this?

00:40:33.280 --> 00:40:35.880
Yeah. And you would always ask, are you comfortable

00:40:35.880 --> 00:40:37.380
doing all of that yourself? You were still very

00:40:37.380 --> 00:40:39.639
much giving me an out. Yeah, yeah. And now, I

00:40:39.639 --> 00:40:41.619
mean, sometimes if I've got a to -do list with

00:40:41.619 --> 00:40:43.559
20 things on it, you do still sometimes say,

00:40:43.599 --> 00:40:45.099
do you need any help with anything? Which is

00:40:45.099 --> 00:40:47.619
very sweet. But I never take you up on that because

00:40:47.619 --> 00:40:50.079
it feels important to me to fulfil that role.

00:40:50.280 --> 00:40:52.360
Yeah. And you have got more comfortable with

00:40:52.360 --> 00:40:55.460
that over time where you don't, it's not a question

00:40:55.460 --> 00:40:59.380
anymore. Yeah. You've really embraced that. Yeah,

00:40:59.400 --> 00:41:02.119
that took some getting used to. Yeah. And, you

00:41:02.119 --> 00:41:04.260
know. I'm not going to lie. Having a domestic

00:41:04.260 --> 00:41:06.780
servant is pretty amazing. I would recommend

00:41:06.780 --> 00:41:09.260
it to anyone who is thinking about getting into

00:41:09.260 --> 00:41:12.719
a total power exchange type of dynamic to make

00:41:12.719 --> 00:41:14.980
sure that you include domestic service in it

00:41:14.980 --> 00:41:18.099
because I don't need to do the laundry. Yeah.

00:41:18.219 --> 00:41:19.960
I don't need to do the dishes. Yeah. You know,

00:41:19.980 --> 00:41:22.789
that's pretty sweet. To be honest. The other

00:41:22.789 --> 00:41:25.210
day you couldn't remember which bin was the normal

00:41:25.210 --> 00:41:26.769
rubbish and which one was the recycling because

00:41:26.769 --> 00:41:28.510
it's been that long since you had to put it in

00:41:28.510 --> 00:41:33.110
the bin. Yes. Yes, I did have a moment of I've

00:41:33.110 --> 00:41:38.730
completely forgotten where these things go. Just

00:41:38.730 --> 00:41:40.889
a complete aside, it's something that I'm conscious

00:41:40.889 --> 00:41:44.050
of as well. I don't want to be completely useless.

00:41:44.250 --> 00:41:46.710
It is one of the risks that's worth talking about.

00:41:46.869 --> 00:41:49.909
I know my ex had trouble when we split up because

00:41:49.909 --> 00:41:52.510
we'd had domestic service as part of our relationship.

00:41:53.230 --> 00:41:56.610
And she'd gone from living with family to living

00:41:56.610 --> 00:42:00.030
with a submissive to living on her own. Yeah,

00:42:00.030 --> 00:42:01.469
yeah. I mean, she only just found out she's got

00:42:01.469 --> 00:42:04.210
a Hoover in her flat. She's been living there

00:42:04.210 --> 00:42:07.710
for years. I've only just found out she's got

00:42:07.710 --> 00:42:12.389
a Hoover. So, yeah, it is a risk. There are risks.

00:42:12.710 --> 00:42:14.829
Sorry, what I really liked about that exchange

00:42:14.829 --> 00:42:16.449
is where you pointed out that the Hoover has

00:42:16.449 --> 00:42:19.090
lived there longer than she has. Yeah. Yeah,

00:42:19.130 --> 00:42:23.739
and she genuinely had no idea. But yeah, the

00:42:23.739 --> 00:42:25.519
risks in kink that people are really conscious

00:42:25.519 --> 00:42:27.840
of is things like, you know, if you put a plastic

00:42:27.840 --> 00:42:29.500
bag on someone's head, they might suffocate and

00:42:29.500 --> 00:42:33.159
die. Obvious physical risks. Some of the risks

00:42:33.159 --> 00:42:35.400
that can really creep up on you is things like

00:42:35.400 --> 00:42:37.460
if you haven't had to do any of your own housework

00:42:37.460 --> 00:42:40.059
for a decade and then your partner leaves you,

00:42:40.119 --> 00:42:43.940
dies, gets really sick, you have to learn life

00:42:43.940 --> 00:42:46.039
skills from scratch. Yeah, yeah. There's a lot

00:42:46.039 --> 00:42:48.179
of stuff like that in power exchange that can

00:42:48.179 --> 00:42:51.050
sneak up on you where... elements of independence

00:42:51.050 --> 00:42:53.469
become eroded and i don't think that's a bad

00:42:53.469 --> 00:42:56.269
thing i think all humans are quite interdependent

00:42:56.269 --> 00:42:58.849
and it's healthy we're a social species but being

00:42:58.849 --> 00:43:03.309
conscious of it is important yeah no i agree

00:43:03.309 --> 00:43:07.929
anyway i will continue um this section also talks

00:43:07.929 --> 00:43:09.150
about the fact that i will accept punishment

00:43:09.150 --> 00:43:11.210
for breaches of the rules i would say i probably

00:43:11.210 --> 00:43:12.969
go above and beyond on this one because i'm usually

00:43:12.969 --> 00:43:15.050
the one reminding you that i yes i should be

00:43:15.050 --> 00:43:17.539
punished and shouldn't be let off things though

00:43:17.539 --> 00:43:19.760
you have definitely you have worked on being

00:43:19.760 --> 00:43:21.559
stricter with discipline which i really appreciate

00:43:21.559 --> 00:43:23.800
as well because that's something i need for my

00:43:23.800 --> 00:43:26.760
sanity yeah um it's another kind of interesting

00:43:26.760 --> 00:43:30.059
thing that i've learned i suppose is is because

00:43:30.059 --> 00:43:32.480
quite often in the earlier stages of this you

00:43:32.480 --> 00:43:34.500
would break a rule that was you needed to do

00:43:34.500 --> 00:43:37.659
a task today and you run out of time or you haven't

00:43:37.659 --> 00:43:41.320
got the capacity to do it or whatever and i would

00:43:41.320 --> 00:43:43.380
kind of be like life happens it's not like you've

00:43:43.380 --> 00:43:46.400
deliberately set out to break a rule yeah So

00:43:46.400 --> 00:43:48.760
it was like, it's that difference between life

00:43:48.760 --> 00:43:51.500
just happening and malicious non -compliance.

00:43:51.579 --> 00:43:53.739
Yeah. With the rule you deliberately set out

00:43:53.739 --> 00:43:55.239
to break the rule, therefore you should be punished

00:43:55.239 --> 00:43:57.019
for it. And I think what was important to hear

00:43:57.019 --> 00:43:59.280
from you was that, no, actually, even if the

00:43:59.280 --> 00:44:01.820
situation was entirely out of my control, I still

00:44:01.820 --> 00:44:03.719
didn't do what I was supposed to do. Yeah. And

00:44:03.719 --> 00:44:05.679
therefore there should be consequences. Otherwise

00:44:05.679 --> 00:44:08.900
the rules become less important. Yeah. And it

00:44:08.900 --> 00:44:11.320
means next time I might just go, well, I know

00:44:11.320 --> 00:44:12.719
I can get away with it and I can't be bothered

00:44:12.719 --> 00:44:14.340
and I don't believe I would ever do that consciously.

00:44:14.940 --> 00:44:16.860
But it's something that starts to creep up and

00:44:16.860 --> 00:44:20.139
drift. And so much of how dominance and submission

00:44:20.139 --> 00:44:22.940
works is I see it very much as an exchange of

00:44:22.940 --> 00:44:25.630
energy, not just a power and authority. Where

00:44:25.630 --> 00:44:27.610
we're both having to feed this. We're both having

00:44:27.610 --> 00:44:31.409
to give 100 % of ourselves into this to create

00:44:31.409 --> 00:44:34.389
what we create. If I'm not giving 100 % to following

00:44:34.389 --> 00:44:36.809
the rules and then you're not giving 100 % to

00:44:36.809 --> 00:44:39.070
the discipline and then I'm not giving 100 %

00:44:39.070 --> 00:44:40.630
to following the rules because I know that you're

00:44:40.630 --> 00:44:42.849
not giving 100 % to the discipline and then you

00:44:42.849 --> 00:44:44.469
get so used to me breaking the rules that you

00:44:44.469 --> 00:44:46.809
give even less to the discipline. It starts to

00:44:46.809 --> 00:44:50.590
unravel very quickly. So that's something that

00:44:50.590 --> 00:44:53.670
it was never a criticism exactly. It was more

00:44:53.670 --> 00:44:56.690
of a... I wanted to reassure you that what I

00:44:56.690 --> 00:44:59.550
needed was for you to step into that power. Because

00:44:59.550 --> 00:45:01.769
it's good for me. It's not you being harsh. It's

00:45:01.769 --> 00:45:03.670
not you being cruel. And it's not you being not

00:45:03.670 --> 00:45:05.949
understanding. If you were like shouting at me

00:45:05.949 --> 00:45:07.670
and calling me a useless piece of shit for breaking

00:45:07.670 --> 00:45:10.070
a rule, that's a different conversation. But

00:45:10.070 --> 00:45:13.090
you saying, okay, I understand how that's happened.

00:45:13.190 --> 00:45:15.469
I'm not mad. But there's a consequence to that.

00:45:15.570 --> 00:45:18.059
Yeah. It's very beneficial to me. Yeah. That

00:45:18.059 --> 00:45:20.000
makes a lot of sense. This section also covers

00:45:20.000 --> 00:45:21.960
that I need to be completely honest and truthful

00:45:21.960 --> 00:45:24.639
with you, which is something that comes very

00:45:24.639 --> 00:45:26.300
naturally to me. But again, I like having it

00:45:26.300 --> 00:45:28.360
formalised. Again, it talks about me needing

00:45:28.360 --> 00:45:31.139
to show you respect at all times, whether that's

00:45:31.139 --> 00:45:33.519
to your face or how I speak about you privately

00:45:33.519 --> 00:45:35.980
with other people, which is something that, again,

00:45:36.039 --> 00:45:39.340
I would just do. But I have noticed from having

00:45:39.340 --> 00:45:41.630
this as... as something that's formal, how relatively

00:45:41.630 --> 00:45:43.690
uncommon that is. And I don't mean people are

00:45:43.690 --> 00:45:45.230
being nasty about their partners or anything

00:45:45.230 --> 00:45:47.329
like that, but how common it is for people in

00:45:47.329 --> 00:45:49.550
relationships to sort of roll their eyes and

00:45:49.550 --> 00:45:50.929
take the piss out of their partner and things

00:45:50.929 --> 00:45:54.170
like that. And I will make jokes. Jokes are different.

00:45:54.789 --> 00:45:57.329
Things about your love of spreadsheets and stuff.

00:45:57.409 --> 00:46:01.090
Yes. I will absolutely have a little laugh about

00:46:01.090 --> 00:46:04.579
that, but not... contempt there's a very clear

00:46:04.579 --> 00:46:06.300
difference between making fun of your partner

00:46:06.300 --> 00:46:08.440
in a loving way and showing them contempt yeah

00:46:08.440 --> 00:46:10.800
yeah contempt is surprisingly common in how people

00:46:10.800 --> 00:46:12.420
talk about their partner when they're not present

00:46:12.420 --> 00:46:14.659
and i don't think it's generally with any kind

00:46:14.659 --> 00:46:16.440
of malice behind it people i think are really

00:46:16.440 --> 00:46:18.159
not that conscious of it but because this is

00:46:18.159 --> 00:46:20.860
something that is part of the contract yeah i

00:46:20.860 --> 00:46:22.460
think that's something that i would never allow

00:46:22.460 --> 00:46:26.280
to creep in because because it's against my responsibilities

00:46:26.280 --> 00:46:28.739
that are in the contract it's not something that

00:46:28.739 --> 00:46:30.920
can just sneak into my way of talking about you

00:46:30.920 --> 00:46:33.860
without being conscious of it yeah Yeah. And,

00:46:33.960 --> 00:46:37.239
you know, we watch the silly little reality shows

00:46:37.239 --> 00:46:40.800
on Netflix, don't we? And quite often we will

00:46:40.800 --> 00:46:43.579
look at each other and go, these two don't sound

00:46:43.579 --> 00:46:45.840
like they just don't like each other. Yeah. Why

00:46:45.840 --> 00:46:47.619
would you be in a relationship with a person

00:46:47.619 --> 00:46:50.480
that you just don't like? Yeah. What's that about?

00:46:50.739 --> 00:46:53.480
And this section also lays out that I am required

00:46:53.480 --> 00:46:55.980
to serve in general, not just the domestic service,

00:46:56.019 --> 00:46:59.329
but... Being of use to you in general, both in

00:46:59.329 --> 00:47:01.590
public and in private. Obviously, in public,

00:47:01.650 --> 00:47:04.590
it's in ways that are socially acceptable and

00:47:04.590 --> 00:47:07.110
can be done discreetly. So, for example, free

00:47:07.110 --> 00:47:10.110
use for sexual service is not going to be something

00:47:10.110 --> 00:47:11.889
that we do in the middle of a crowded restaurant.

00:47:12.170 --> 00:47:15.369
No. But me fetching you a drink might be. Yeah.

00:47:15.409 --> 00:47:17.630
So the next section is specifically about free

00:47:17.630 --> 00:47:21.250
use. Yes. This section goes into that in a lot

00:47:21.250 --> 00:47:24.269
more detail. And again, this is as much about

00:47:24.269 --> 00:47:26.630
kind of total power exchange and that kind of

00:47:26.630 --> 00:47:29.510
headspace of control as it is about just being

00:47:29.510 --> 00:47:34.010
really hot. Yeah. You know? So it starts off

00:47:34.010 --> 00:47:36.030
literally, the slave is a free sexual object

00:47:36.030 --> 00:47:39.409
for the owner. It talks about how I can essentially

00:47:39.409 --> 00:47:42.349
do anything I like to you, make you do anything

00:47:42.349 --> 00:47:44.230
I like, as long as it doesn't violate your hard

00:47:44.230 --> 00:47:47.519
limits, which are pretty limited. yeah it's a

00:47:47.519 --> 00:47:50.199
short list it is a very very short list it has

00:47:50.199 --> 00:47:52.340
some caveats in there about actually you should

00:47:52.340 --> 00:47:54.599
you you should communicate when you're physically

00:47:54.599 --> 00:47:56.920
feeling physically or mentally unwell yeah as

00:47:56.920 --> 00:47:58.900
in in line with your responsibility to be open

00:47:58.900 --> 00:48:01.300
but actually the decision rests with me yeah

00:48:01.300 --> 00:48:04.219
and that one is honestly out of all of the the

00:48:04.219 --> 00:48:05.840
rules that i have to follow and the responsibilities

00:48:05.840 --> 00:48:07.619
i have under the contract telling you when i'm

00:48:07.619 --> 00:48:09.699
sick is one of the hardest ones because i know

00:48:09.699 --> 00:48:12.260
you'll go easy on me and i very rarely want you

00:48:12.260 --> 00:48:14.360
to like if i'm really really ill if i've got

00:48:14.360 --> 00:48:17.639
like a proper blinding migraine then i want to

00:48:17.639 --> 00:48:19.519
communicate that to you and i really don't want

00:48:19.519 --> 00:48:21.599
you to slap me around the head for example yeah

00:48:21.599 --> 00:48:23.719
yeah but if i'm just feeling a little bit under

00:48:23.719 --> 00:48:25.820
the weather every time i have to tell you because

00:48:25.820 --> 00:48:29.739
it's it's my responsibility I am just dying inside.

00:48:30.320 --> 00:48:34.119
I am not getting hit today. I am probably not

00:48:34.119 --> 00:48:37.500
getting any sex today. I'm not going to get ordered

00:48:37.500 --> 00:48:40.059
around and made to sit on the floor. I'm not

00:48:40.059 --> 00:48:41.659
even going to get put in the dog crate. Nothing's

00:48:41.659 --> 00:48:43.920
going to happen to me today. Because, I mean,

00:48:43.940 --> 00:48:45.929
you've been starting to lean into... for use

00:48:45.929 --> 00:48:47.570
a little bit more and started to push a little

00:48:47.570 --> 00:48:49.269
bit more. But still, I know your instinct when

00:48:49.269 --> 00:48:52.070
I'm sick is to be really easy on me. And I'm

00:48:52.070 --> 00:48:54.050
like, if I could just not tell you, if I could

00:48:54.050 --> 00:48:57.389
just lie, if I was allowed to do that, I totally

00:48:57.389 --> 00:48:59.989
would. And I think that's the thing that I really

00:48:59.989 --> 00:49:02.230
like about that clause in the other section is

00:49:02.230 --> 00:49:04.369
it isn't just about being honest. It's really

00:49:04.369 --> 00:49:06.590
specific. You have to tell the truth. You cannot

00:49:06.590 --> 00:49:10.590
lie. You cannot lie by omission. Yeah. You know,

00:49:10.610 --> 00:49:13.389
it does require you to be really open and honest

00:49:13.389 --> 00:49:16.630
about that. Some of that is just about control.

00:49:16.929 --> 00:49:19.869
But a lot of that is about, well, actually, if

00:49:19.869 --> 00:49:21.710
I've got all of the power, I need all of the

00:49:21.710 --> 00:49:25.369
information so that I can wield that power responsibly.

00:49:25.510 --> 00:49:28.170
And I think you are right that if you tell me

00:49:28.170 --> 00:49:30.710
that you're poorly, I will tend to go a little

00:49:30.710 --> 00:49:32.489
bit easier on you. And that's something I'm trying

00:49:32.489 --> 00:49:36.289
to find the right balance with. It's like how

00:49:36.289 --> 00:49:39.409
poorly is too poorly. I think my power thresholds

00:49:39.409 --> 00:49:41.130
for that are clearly in very different places.

00:49:41.409 --> 00:49:44.960
The bar is a lot lower for me. for for you to

00:49:44.960 --> 00:49:47.099
be too poorly to want to do something partly

00:49:47.099 --> 00:49:49.800
because when i'm poorly the last thing i want

00:49:49.800 --> 00:49:52.780
to do is have sex yeah i just want to die on

00:49:52.780 --> 00:49:55.219
the couch whenever i'm with it whereas that's

00:49:55.219 --> 00:49:58.820
not that's not your experience no i'm pretty

00:49:58.820 --> 00:50:01.719
much always up for for doing some stuff i generally

00:50:01.719 --> 00:50:04.059
if i'm feeling ill my ideal would be for you

00:50:04.059 --> 00:50:05.960
to take it a little bit easier on me but still

00:50:05.960 --> 00:50:08.760
still have rough sex still do kinky stuff yeah

00:50:08.760 --> 00:50:10.219
just maybe things like not hitting me in the

00:50:10.219 --> 00:50:12.619
face if i've got a headache um yeah yeah like

00:50:12.619 --> 00:50:14.360
things like that that's not gonna make me actively

00:50:14.360 --> 00:50:16.420
worse but suffering through it a little bit is

00:50:16.420 --> 00:50:18.599
enjoyable to me and if i've got a fever i'm always

00:50:18.599 --> 00:50:22.239
horny yeah you get proper proper feral and i've

00:50:22.239 --> 00:50:24.380
got a fever yeah so it's the worst there's been

00:50:24.380 --> 00:50:26.519
a couple of times when i've had flu And all I

00:50:26.519 --> 00:50:29.159
want to do is play nonstop. Yeah. Like, I need

00:50:29.159 --> 00:50:30.739
you to take it a little bit easy on me because

00:50:30.739 --> 00:50:32.679
I'm still kind of dying, but I want to do stuff

00:50:32.679 --> 00:50:35.260
every day. Yeah. And you're like, no, I'm going

00:50:35.260 --> 00:50:37.079
to tuck you up in bed and that's fine. And it's

00:50:37.079 --> 00:50:38.659
like, I haven't come in a week and I've got a

00:50:38.659 --> 00:50:44.159
fever, please. Which is also a fun way of doing

00:50:44.159 --> 00:50:46.679
orgasm control and orgasm denial. If you are

00:50:46.679 --> 00:50:49.019
too sick, you are too sick, you are poor Bailey,

00:50:49.079 --> 00:50:56.309
you need to rest. Hate that. So this section

00:50:56.309 --> 00:51:00.650
also talks about safe words. So you do not have

00:51:00.650 --> 00:51:03.489
access to a safe word within our dynamic. When

00:51:03.489 --> 00:51:08.269
in private, you are still required to communicate.

00:51:08.289 --> 00:51:10.150
You're expected to communicate when you feel

00:51:10.150 --> 00:51:12.570
that you're at your limits. But what I do with

00:51:12.570 --> 00:51:15.590
that information is my choice. Yes. Which might

00:51:15.590 --> 00:51:18.869
include continuing. Yeah. Again, I don't think

00:51:18.869 --> 00:51:20.670
that's something necessarily other than in a

00:51:20.670 --> 00:51:23.889
specific scene where that's the point. I don't

00:51:23.889 --> 00:51:25.489
think that's something that I've kind of pushed

00:51:25.489 --> 00:51:27.469
too far. When you say that you're having a really

00:51:27.469 --> 00:51:29.110
bad time and you're kind of reaching your limits,

00:51:29.190 --> 00:51:32.630
I do default to dialing back a little bit because

00:51:32.630 --> 00:51:34.489
I think that's the responsible thing to do. And

00:51:34.489 --> 00:51:39.570
I think one of the things that I have had to

00:51:39.570 --> 00:51:42.289
spend a lot of time thinking about is just because

00:51:42.289 --> 00:51:45.289
I can doesn't mean I should. And where does that

00:51:45.289 --> 00:51:48.659
line sit? Where's the line between? I can or

00:51:48.659 --> 00:51:50.800
I will become something that will be really hot

00:51:50.800 --> 00:51:52.980
and fun and would be distressing to you, but

00:51:52.980 --> 00:51:55.619
ultimately in a way that is enjoyable to you?

00:51:55.760 --> 00:51:58.780
Yeah. And when does because I can, I will become

00:51:58.780 --> 00:52:01.039
actually distressing? I'm definitely seeing you

00:52:01.039 --> 00:52:02.219
grow in confidence with that, though. There's

00:52:02.219 --> 00:52:04.460
obviously the unhinged whipping that we did at

00:52:04.460 --> 00:52:06.880
camping, but it was very pre -negotiated where

00:52:06.880 --> 00:52:10.159
you were not going to stop. Yeah. But just when

00:52:10.159 --> 00:52:12.199
we're playing in general, you check in less,

00:52:12.280 --> 00:52:15.539
you are better at reading the difference between...

00:52:15.789 --> 00:52:17.530
I'm having a bad time, but it's the kind of bad

00:52:17.530 --> 00:52:20.170
time I want it to have. And that is a much bigger

00:52:20.170 --> 00:52:23.010
reaction than I expected. So let's ask some questions

00:52:23.010 --> 00:52:27.010
about what's going on there. I think in the past,

00:52:27.010 --> 00:52:29.469
if I started properly crying and hyperventilating

00:52:29.469 --> 00:52:31.449
during a scene, you would at the very least have

00:52:31.449 --> 00:52:34.949
checked in. But now, if you've been hitting me

00:52:34.949 --> 00:52:36.469
hard enough that that was an expected reaction,

00:52:36.769 --> 00:52:38.769
you just kind of get on with it. The times when

00:52:38.769 --> 00:52:40.389
you tend to check in is more if we're doing something

00:52:40.389 --> 00:52:43.170
that was planned to be fairly light. And then

00:52:43.170 --> 00:52:45.210
I start having a really strong reaction to it.

00:52:45.469 --> 00:52:47.630
People tend to sort of ask, like, is this because

00:52:47.630 --> 00:52:49.150
something's going wrong or are you just having

00:52:49.150 --> 00:52:50.889
a low pain threshold that you kind of want to

00:52:50.889 --> 00:52:52.750
know what's going on? Yeah, yeah. Which is useful

00:52:52.750 --> 00:52:57.329
and important. And you've definitely got more

00:52:57.329 --> 00:53:00.170
comfortable with keeping me in that genuinely

00:53:00.170 --> 00:53:03.690
bad time zone. As long as you can tell that I'm

00:53:03.690 --> 00:53:06.969
not, like, having a full -on mental health crisis

00:53:06.969 --> 00:53:08.670
over it. Yeah, yeah. You know, like, I'm suffering

00:53:08.670 --> 00:53:11.090
a bit in the way that we both want me to. Yeah.

00:53:11.550 --> 00:53:13.650
Yeah, yeah. I think part of that has been you

00:53:13.650 --> 00:53:15.690
learning to read me really well as well. So you

00:53:15.690 --> 00:53:19.210
can see that fine line. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think

00:53:19.210 --> 00:53:20.829
that just comes with time and experience, doesn't

00:53:20.829 --> 00:53:22.889
it? Kind of recognising how you respond to different

00:53:22.889 --> 00:53:27.210
things. Yeah. So within the context of you not

00:53:27.210 --> 00:53:29.250
having a safe word and not being able to revoke

00:53:29.250 --> 00:53:32.050
consent, there is still a caveat to that about

00:53:32.050 --> 00:53:34.969
when that applies in private. Yeah. So if we're

00:53:34.969 --> 00:53:37.670
playing at a venue, if we're going to a public

00:53:37.670 --> 00:53:40.769
play event, we default to the house rule that...

00:53:41.050 --> 00:53:44.050
the house um safe word is available to you yeah

00:53:44.050 --> 00:53:46.369
you have a choice about whether you use it or

00:53:46.369 --> 00:53:49.010
not but in order to comply with the rules yeah

00:53:49.010 --> 00:53:51.530
as you would expect anyone else to be that safe

00:53:51.530 --> 00:53:54.050
word applies and if there are situations where

00:53:54.050 --> 00:53:56.570
you are playing with other people you have access

00:53:56.570 --> 00:53:59.170
to the safe words red and amber at all times

00:53:59.170 --> 00:54:03.630
even if i'm there yeah because it's not fair

00:54:03.630 --> 00:54:06.929
on other people to impose kind of no safe word

00:54:06.929 --> 00:54:10.300
on them um but also allows for that little bit

00:54:10.300 --> 00:54:13.920
of extra safety yeah and just as we didn't go

00:54:13.920 --> 00:54:15.659
no safe word until we've been together for quite

00:54:15.659 --> 00:54:17.599
a while and you were good at reading my reactions

00:54:17.599 --> 00:54:20.460
and i had a high enough level of trust that i

00:54:20.460 --> 00:54:22.079
could handle things that i maybe couldn't with

00:54:22.079 --> 00:54:24.659
a casual partner yeah if i'm playing with someone

00:54:24.659 --> 00:54:27.360
else my ability to feel comfortable playing with

00:54:27.360 --> 00:54:29.320
no safe word is is going to be quite different

00:54:29.320 --> 00:54:33.480
yeah yeah that makes sense um So the last part

00:54:33.480 --> 00:54:35.579
of this section on free use is about, in good

00:54:35.579 --> 00:54:40.179
legal speak, third parties. Third parties. So

00:54:40.179 --> 00:54:42.219
really clear expectation in the contract that

00:54:42.219 --> 00:54:45.539
you don't have any other sexual or play partners

00:54:45.539 --> 00:54:51.440
except on my instruction. Yeah. So you don't

00:54:51.440 --> 00:54:54.500
seek to play or sexual play or kinky play with

00:54:54.500 --> 00:54:57.699
other people. Independent. Yeah. There's a clause

00:54:57.699 --> 00:55:01.949
in there about how that works. If you are approached

00:55:01.949 --> 00:55:06.570
by someone for playing, your response is to direct

00:55:06.570 --> 00:55:09.449
them to me. And if that person isn't willing

00:55:09.449 --> 00:55:12.309
to do that, then you decline their approach.

00:55:12.610 --> 00:55:14.550
Yeah, which is something that is always a source

00:55:14.550 --> 00:55:16.530
of controversy in kink spaces, but it's something

00:55:16.530 --> 00:55:18.969
that is very important to me for various reasons.

00:55:19.449 --> 00:55:22.130
Partly it's about the fact that I completely

00:55:22.130 --> 00:55:25.070
see myself as your property. So the idea of someone

00:55:25.070 --> 00:55:27.269
coming to me as a piece of property and asking

00:55:27.269 --> 00:55:29.480
to use me. which is how I would perceive that.

00:55:29.659 --> 00:55:31.780
Yeah. Just doesn't feel the right way around.

00:55:31.840 --> 00:55:34.059
They need to come to you first out of respect.

00:55:34.139 --> 00:55:36.380
And I understand people's, the sort of opposing

00:55:36.380 --> 00:55:37.840
view on that is they don't want to become part

00:55:37.840 --> 00:55:40.059
of someone's dynamic. But if you are asking to

00:55:40.059 --> 00:55:41.920
play with someone who is owned, you are part

00:55:41.920 --> 00:55:44.539
of the dynamic. You are, even if you're not comfortable

00:55:44.539 --> 00:55:46.079
with that, don't play with people who are owned.

00:55:46.179 --> 00:55:50.559
You know, because of the level of power exchange

00:55:50.559 --> 00:55:53.380
that we have and the way that I see myself in

00:55:53.380 --> 00:55:55.579
relation to you, there is no way of playing with

00:55:55.579 --> 00:55:58.860
me that doesn't involve you. because I do not

00:55:58.860 --> 00:56:01.440
fully exist as a whole person outside of you.

00:56:01.960 --> 00:56:04.539
And if that's not comfortable for people, if

00:56:04.539 --> 00:56:05.980
that's not something they want, then that's absolutely

00:56:05.980 --> 00:56:08.739
fine. It just means we're not compatible. Another

00:56:08.739 --> 00:56:11.239
element of it for me, though, is a safety thing

00:56:11.239 --> 00:56:13.719
because of the way that submission works for

00:56:13.719 --> 00:56:17.300
me and the way that I get into this place at

00:56:17.300 --> 00:56:18.900
this stage of our relationship when we've been

00:56:18.900 --> 00:56:21.219
together a while where we don't use safe words,

00:56:21.320 --> 00:56:23.300
where I don't have the right to revoke consent,

00:56:23.420 --> 00:56:26.730
where we have absolute 24 -7 free use. ongoing

00:56:26.730 --> 00:56:29.530
in our relationship i am quite conditioned not

00:56:29.530 --> 00:56:32.500
to say no to very much yeah it's for fun unless

00:56:32.500 --> 00:56:33.980
we're doing something where you want me to say

00:56:33.980 --> 00:56:36.619
no. I'm very, very compliant and very obedient

00:56:36.619 --> 00:56:39.079
and it would be very easy to slip into that headspace

00:56:39.079 --> 00:56:41.460
with someone else that I was playing with or

00:56:41.460 --> 00:56:43.820
negotiating play with where I'm not very good

00:56:43.820 --> 00:56:46.099
at asserting my own boundaries. So having some

00:56:46.099 --> 00:56:48.599
oversight from you is actually a protective factor

00:56:48.599 --> 00:56:51.280
for me. And it's also just a comfort thing as

00:56:51.280 --> 00:56:53.840
well. The thing that I dislike when I'm single

00:56:53.840 --> 00:56:56.380
and when I'm actively seeking play is I don't

00:56:56.380 --> 00:56:58.099
particularly like being sexualised by strangers.

00:56:58.139 --> 00:57:00.739
I don't like the... the sort of flirty banter

00:57:00.739 --> 00:57:02.559
and stuff that happens early in the process.

00:57:02.739 --> 00:57:05.639
I find the early stages of anything quite stressful

00:57:05.639 --> 00:57:07.940
and difficult. I like to have as little involvement

00:57:07.940 --> 00:57:10.820
in that as I can. So being in a position where

00:57:10.820 --> 00:57:13.000
you can just lend me to someone, and yes, I still

00:57:13.000 --> 00:57:15.139
have to be involved in negotiation because you

00:57:15.139 --> 00:57:16.800
have to. That's a thing that you have to do.

00:57:16.940 --> 00:57:19.880
But where you have done the initial part of that

00:57:19.880 --> 00:57:22.539
and you have the final approval on it and I just

00:57:22.539 --> 00:57:24.219
have to express some preferences and opinions

00:57:24.219 --> 00:57:26.380
in the middle, it feels a lot more comfortable

00:57:26.380 --> 00:57:28.780
and safe for me. Yeah, no, you're right. And

00:57:28.780 --> 00:57:31.300
I was just going to say, you are completely absent

00:57:31.300 --> 00:57:33.280
from that process. If somebody approaches me

00:57:33.280 --> 00:57:38.000
to say, oh, I want to play with Carizzo, or I

00:57:38.000 --> 00:57:40.960
tell you, you need to go and play with that person,

00:57:41.000 --> 00:57:42.880
do something with that person, you're involved

00:57:42.880 --> 00:57:46.139
in that process of how that would feel for you,

00:57:46.260 --> 00:57:49.400
what you would do, the negotiation that you would

00:57:49.400 --> 00:57:51.699
expect to see if you were doing it fully independently

00:57:51.699 --> 00:57:55.239
for yourself. Yeah. It's the start and the finish

00:57:55.239 --> 00:57:58.000
of that. yeah where i have the control everything

00:57:58.000 --> 00:58:00.340
comes through me i have the final say yeah and

00:58:00.340 --> 00:58:02.199
it is a dead interesting thing about that kind

00:58:02.199 --> 00:58:04.760
of you know if it when kind of people get a little

00:58:04.760 --> 00:58:06.659
bit up a height about it going well i don't consent

00:58:06.659 --> 00:58:08.480
to being part of your dynamic and it's like well

00:58:08.480 --> 00:58:12.260
at this point you're not we're saying this is

00:58:12.260 --> 00:58:15.019
the this this is the yeah this is the price of

00:58:15.019 --> 00:58:17.780
admission yeah pay it or don't yeah it's purely

00:58:17.780 --> 00:58:19.579
a compatibility thing i think like either people

00:58:19.579 --> 00:58:22.340
are comfortable with with you having that oversight

00:58:22.340 --> 00:58:24.900
or they're not And if they're not, there are

00:58:24.900 --> 00:58:27.820
loads of people who negotiate DS relationships

00:58:27.820 --> 00:58:30.559
where the dynamic stops as soon as any interaction

00:58:30.559 --> 00:58:33.920
with another person's happening. So if one person,

00:58:33.980 --> 00:58:35.679
whether it's the dominant or the submissive,

00:58:35.679 --> 00:58:37.619
is negotiating play with another play partner,

00:58:37.699 --> 00:58:39.519
apart from keeping their partner informed of

00:58:39.519 --> 00:58:42.280
it, you know, being transparent and honest, they

00:58:42.280 --> 00:58:45.780
have no involvement and those people exist. Go

00:58:45.780 --> 00:58:48.599
play with them. yeah yeah and that's perfectly

00:58:48.599 --> 00:58:51.420
yeah yeah totally valid way of way of doing it

00:58:51.420 --> 00:58:54.360
it's it's yeah it's that kind of pearl clutching

00:58:54.360 --> 00:58:56.340
of all that violates my consent it's like no

00:58:56.340 --> 00:58:59.599
i'm describing to you how my dynamic works if

00:58:59.599 --> 00:59:02.679
you don't want to be a part of that don't proceed

00:59:02.679 --> 00:59:05.360
any further yeah no one's consent has been violated

00:59:05.360 --> 00:59:07.659
at this point you don't need to consent to other

00:59:07.659 --> 00:59:10.360
people's boundaries no that's a really good way

00:59:10.360 --> 00:59:13.559
of putting it yeah yeah yeah yeah it's um and

00:59:13.559 --> 00:59:16.599
the last bit of that Is the exact opposite because

00:59:16.599 --> 00:59:19.860
there's a clause in there about me. Yeah. I have

00:59:19.860 --> 00:59:23.039
the absolute right to, we should probably say

00:59:23.039 --> 00:59:26.300
seek, actually in there. You can't just grab

00:59:26.300 --> 00:59:28.980
them. It makes me sound a little bit predatory.

00:59:31.599 --> 00:59:34.079
So for the avoidance of doubt for our listeners,

00:59:34.119 --> 00:59:36.900
I have the absolute right to seek other sexual

00:59:36.900 --> 00:59:39.019
or play partners. Yes. And my only responsibility.

00:59:39.849 --> 00:59:42.769
to you in that respect are to make you aware

00:59:42.769 --> 00:59:45.389
of those plans and to take necessary precautions

00:59:45.389 --> 00:59:48.070
to safeguard our health yeah so making sure that

00:59:48.070 --> 00:59:49.869
i'm tested making sure that the people are tested

00:59:49.869 --> 00:59:52.630
making sure that if i do things that involve

00:59:52.630 --> 00:59:55.349
bloody impact that i'm careful with the implements

00:59:55.349 --> 00:59:59.349
that i use all that um sort of sort of stuff

00:59:59.349 --> 01:00:02.829
which again i just think is a really good juxtaposition

01:00:02.829 --> 01:00:05.269
oh i like to use big words don't i yeah in the

01:00:05.269 --> 01:00:08.130
in in on this on this podcast of where for you

01:00:08.730 --> 01:00:11.369
Your rights in this regard are really, really

01:00:11.369 --> 01:00:14.210
restricted and I have lots of control over how

01:00:14.210 --> 01:00:16.889
that goes. But I can do what I like. Within a

01:00:16.889 --> 01:00:20.730
couple of pretty standard parameters. Yeah. Like,

01:00:20.750 --> 01:00:23.329
don't come back and give me a disease and don't

01:00:23.329 --> 01:00:25.010
lie to me about it. Yeah. That's pretty much

01:00:25.010 --> 01:00:29.840
it. Yeah, yeah. Like, as... as situations go

01:00:29.840 --> 01:00:32.159
that's pretty cool and again that's something

01:00:32.159 --> 01:00:34.199
that was really important felt like it was really

01:00:34.199 --> 01:00:36.719
important to you for me to have that freedom

01:00:36.719 --> 01:00:38.679
even if you didn't have that freedom yourself

01:00:38.679 --> 01:00:42.179
because you didn't want that freedom yourself

01:00:42.179 --> 01:00:46.199
yeah but it's been a kind of it's been a dead

01:00:46.199 --> 01:00:48.639
interesting thing for me to think about for myself

01:00:48.639 --> 01:00:52.739
of it's actually quite nice to have that permission

01:00:52.739 --> 01:00:55.619
within a relationship to have that level of trust

01:00:55.619 --> 01:00:57.949
within a relationship that actually I could just

01:00:57.949 --> 01:01:00.630
do that. Yeah. I could just go off and do that.

01:01:02.030 --> 01:01:04.469
But it has also forced me to reckon with the

01:01:04.469 --> 01:01:07.949
perception of myself that I have, that I am not

01:01:07.949 --> 01:01:09.809
kinky enough, cool enough or attractive enough

01:01:09.809 --> 01:01:13.550
for that to be relevant. Which is exactly why

01:01:13.550 --> 01:01:15.750
I wanted you to have it. There are other reasons

01:01:15.750 --> 01:01:18.889
as well. I like that difference in power and

01:01:18.889 --> 01:01:21.130
freedom. So I enjoy the fact that I can't do

01:01:21.130 --> 01:01:24.980
that and you can. But also... Very quickly after

01:01:24.980 --> 01:01:28.719
I started dating you, I realised that you needed

01:01:28.719 --> 01:01:32.619
your confidence and your self -worth to be higher.

01:01:33.099 --> 01:01:37.579
You needed to work on that. And this does force

01:01:37.579 --> 01:01:39.380
you to confront that because if you want to fully

01:01:39.380 --> 01:01:41.780
enjoy the freedom that that gives you, you have

01:01:41.780 --> 01:01:44.000
to accept that you're a desirable person that

01:01:44.000 --> 01:01:46.039
multiple people will want to play with and fuck.

01:01:46.800 --> 01:01:50.880
And you must learn that. You must learn it. This

01:01:50.880 --> 01:01:54.769
is like a wild... even though I know that that

01:01:54.769 --> 01:01:59.769
is objectively true. Yeah. Like, that has happened.

01:02:00.550 --> 01:02:04.170
In your life, yes. In my life. You know, in the

01:02:04.170 --> 01:02:06.309
time that we've been together, I have played

01:02:06.309 --> 01:02:08.530
with and done kinky things with other people

01:02:08.530 --> 01:02:10.409
while I've been in this relationship with you.

01:02:10.449 --> 01:02:14.190
So there are, you know, there are some people

01:02:14.190 --> 01:02:16.389
out there who like me, who think I am sufficiently

01:02:16.389 --> 01:02:19.860
of value to do that with. Yeah. So even though

01:02:19.860 --> 01:02:22.760
I know that is objectively true, I still really

01:02:22.760 --> 01:02:25.199
have to kind of confront that and reckon with

01:02:25.199 --> 01:02:27.840
if I'm going to approach other people or if I'm

01:02:27.840 --> 01:02:29.480
going to accept approaches from other people

01:02:29.480 --> 01:02:31.719
for those kind of things, that, like I say, I

01:02:31.719 --> 01:02:33.599
am kinky enough, cool enough and attractive enough

01:02:33.599 --> 01:02:36.239
for that to happen. It's a really weird space

01:02:36.239 --> 01:02:39.780
to be in my head. Yeah. And I think another reason

01:02:39.780 --> 01:02:43.800
that I like this imbalance, the way that it is,

01:02:43.860 --> 01:02:47.340
is because I have, you have more years of experience

01:02:47.340 --> 01:02:50.980
of kink. than me but i have a larger number of

01:02:50.980 --> 01:02:53.579
previous kinky partners i've had a previous total

01:02:53.579 --> 01:02:55.699
power exchange dynamic i've done a lot of very

01:02:55.699 --> 01:02:59.599
sort of casual one -off hookup play um and even

01:02:59.599 --> 01:03:02.159
like pre -kink for me i've also had a lot more

01:03:02.159 --> 01:03:03.659
sexual partners than you because i used to be

01:03:03.659 --> 01:03:06.619
a sex worker i've had a couple of truly epic

01:03:06.619 --> 01:03:10.139
slut phases like like five hookups in a night

01:03:10.139 --> 01:03:15.360
level slut phases so i i don't expect that your

01:03:15.360 --> 01:03:18.159
body count is going to catch up to mine But I

01:03:18.159 --> 01:03:20.139
think it's good for you to have the option to

01:03:20.139 --> 01:03:22.179
continue to wrap up some experience where I've

01:03:22.179 --> 01:03:25.559
probably had my fair share. Yeah, that's fair.

01:03:26.739 --> 01:03:33.400
That's fair. I mean, if your body count does

01:03:33.400 --> 01:03:35.800
catch up to mine, I'll be very impressed. Yeah,

01:03:35.860 --> 01:03:37.820
yeah, that would take some, that would really

01:03:37.820 --> 01:03:41.460
take some doing. I don't think I am, even if

01:03:41.460 --> 01:03:43.659
I accept that I am kinky enough, cool enough

01:03:43.659 --> 01:03:45.320
and attractive enough, I don't think I'm that.

01:03:47.059 --> 01:03:51.619
Not at that level. Not social enough. That is

01:03:51.619 --> 01:03:55.079
my biggest yes. Thank you for that. So the next

01:03:55.079 --> 01:03:56.960
section is all about rules and protocol. And

01:03:56.960 --> 01:03:59.079
just as we've got a separate document to actually

01:03:59.079 --> 01:04:01.480
cover these in detail, it's important to create

01:04:01.480 --> 01:04:03.699
the underpinning structure. that I keep going

01:04:03.699 --> 01:04:05.739
on and on and on about, about what those are

01:04:05.739 --> 01:04:07.920
actually for and how they function. We don't

01:04:07.920 --> 01:04:10.039
just have a list of rules, we have the structure

01:04:10.039 --> 01:04:12.900
around it about how those are used and makes

01:04:12.900 --> 01:04:15.920
that make sense. So it obviously references the

01:04:15.920 --> 01:04:18.989
document. and that it is separate to the contract

01:04:18.989 --> 01:04:22.889
that lists those and how they are enforced. And

01:04:22.889 --> 01:04:25.230
the purpose of those, it says, is to define the

01:04:25.230 --> 01:04:27.429
standards that the owner requires, expects and

01:04:27.429 --> 01:04:29.349
demands the slave to live and abide by at all

01:04:29.349 --> 01:04:31.329
times and in all situations for the duration

01:04:31.329 --> 01:04:33.610
of the contract, making it really, really clear

01:04:33.610 --> 01:04:35.869
that those rules are not optional. They are not

01:04:35.869 --> 01:04:37.969
just there some of the time. They are as important

01:04:37.969 --> 01:04:40.590
as the contract. They are just more likely to

01:04:40.590 --> 01:04:42.889
change. It also mentions that all of the rules

01:04:42.889 --> 01:04:45.889
apply equally. Because much as we aim to set

01:04:45.889 --> 01:04:47.409
up the rules so they're consistent with each

01:04:47.409 --> 01:04:49.210
other and don't create any kind of conflicts

01:04:49.210 --> 01:04:51.730
or disagreement, it is possible that there might

01:04:51.730 --> 01:04:53.949
be times where we haven't fully thought through

01:04:53.949 --> 01:04:55.769
the implications of some of those rules and a

01:04:55.769 --> 01:04:57.289
situation might come up where they appear to

01:04:57.289 --> 01:04:59.650
be in conflict with each other. And it then specifies

01:04:59.650 --> 01:05:01.329
how to deal with that. So I would seek instruction

01:05:01.329 --> 01:05:04.710
from you on what we do with that and how you

01:05:04.710 --> 01:05:07.610
want me to prioritise those rules. And again,

01:05:07.650 --> 01:05:09.289
it's one of those things where you have input

01:05:09.289 --> 01:05:11.670
into it. You can raise questions and raise concerns.

01:05:12.539 --> 01:05:15.539
But I have the final say on how that goes. Yeah,

01:05:15.639 --> 01:05:18.360
absolutely. And it mentions in this section,

01:05:18.420 --> 01:05:20.420
you can also give other instructions or orders

01:05:20.420 --> 01:05:23.320
to comply with. So I cannot use as a defence,

01:05:23.420 --> 01:05:24.980
well, that's not a rule, so I don't have to do

01:05:24.980 --> 01:05:26.840
it. I do occasionally say that because it's funny.

01:05:26.980 --> 01:05:29.059
But then I get on with it. Then you get on with

01:05:29.059 --> 01:05:31.099
it, yeah. And again, another one of my favourite

01:05:31.099 --> 01:05:34.159
little terms of legalese, shout out to H at my

01:05:34.159 --> 01:05:37.750
former employer. the owner may at their absolute

01:05:37.750 --> 01:05:40.510
discretion. At their absolute discretion, yes.

01:05:40.769 --> 01:05:43.809
Although, to be fair, I think the phrase that

01:05:43.809 --> 01:05:45.889
that person used to use was at their sole discretion,

01:05:46.090 --> 01:05:48.090
at their absolute discretion. Just a lovely little

01:05:48.090 --> 01:05:51.110
bit of legalese that I very much enjoy. Yeah.

01:05:51.250 --> 01:05:54.920
Because I'm a nerd. and something that i really

01:05:54.920 --> 01:05:57.280
like that's in here that we kind of forgot was

01:05:57.280 --> 01:05:59.940
in here it was in the original um template that

01:05:59.940 --> 01:06:02.760
i used it was in my contract with my ex and then

01:06:02.760 --> 01:06:04.119
we just carried it over into this one and they

01:06:04.119 --> 01:06:05.800
kind of both forgot about it for a good while

01:06:05.800 --> 01:06:08.039
yeah yeah was if the slave cannot immediately

01:06:08.039 --> 01:06:10.400
obey an instruction or rule it must kneel in

01:06:10.400 --> 01:06:12.199
front of the owner and state why it cannot complete

01:06:12.199 --> 01:06:14.219
the instruction and submit to the owner's judgment

01:06:14.219 --> 01:06:16.559
which is really really it's a really hot little

01:06:16.559 --> 01:06:18.800
bit of protocol yeah yeah and we sort of forgot

01:06:18.800 --> 01:06:20.909
it was there Yeah, yeah. And it became quite

01:06:20.909 --> 01:06:22.429
informal for a while, where if there was something

01:06:22.429 --> 01:06:24.269
that I couldn't do or that I needed some flexibility

01:06:24.269 --> 01:06:26.190
on, I would just go, hey, is it all right if

01:06:26.190 --> 01:06:27.849
I do the washing up tomorrow because I'm tired

01:06:27.849 --> 01:06:29.750
or something like that? And you would go, yeah,

01:06:29.769 --> 01:06:31.309
yeah, yeah, that's fine. Or no, actually, I need

01:06:31.309 --> 01:06:33.030
it done now. And we would continue on with our

01:06:33.030 --> 01:06:36.050
lives. And then we sort of, at a review at some

01:06:36.050 --> 01:06:38.289
point, we were reminded of this. I'm like, actually,

01:06:38.309 --> 01:06:39.969
let's start doing this. And I love that now.

01:06:40.090 --> 01:06:41.710
Often the outcome will still be, yeah, it's fine,

01:06:41.750 --> 01:06:44.730
do it tomorrow. But it's still that reminder

01:06:44.730 --> 01:06:46.829
of my position and my role. Yeah, yeah, that

01:06:46.829 --> 01:06:49.199
little bit of protocol. Yeah. Kind of. kind of

01:06:49.199 --> 01:06:53.260
sprinkled into daily life. Yeah. And I don't

01:06:53.260 --> 01:06:56.519
know how we forgot about it. I guess it's one

01:06:56.519 --> 01:07:01.159
clause in a six -page, two -and -a -half -thousand

01:07:01.159 --> 01:07:02.900
-word document, I suppose, so you're not going

01:07:02.900 --> 01:07:04.719
to remember all of it. Yeah. I think it's because

01:07:04.719 --> 01:07:06.239
it's something we weren't already doing. It's

01:07:06.239 --> 01:07:08.119
something that we hadn't thought of until we

01:07:08.119 --> 01:07:09.800
were looking at the contract, and that was already

01:07:09.800 --> 01:07:12.960
there in the one that you were using as a kind

01:07:12.960 --> 01:07:14.880
of jumping -off point. Yeah. And we talked about

01:07:14.880 --> 01:07:16.559
it, like, do we want to take this out because

01:07:16.559 --> 01:07:17.900
we don't do it? It's like, actually, no, let's

01:07:17.900 --> 01:07:19.750
leave it in and do it. And then we immediately

01:07:19.750 --> 01:07:21.769
forgot about it. Yeah. Which is why actually

01:07:21.769 --> 01:07:24.210
looking over this stuff regularly is good because

01:07:24.210 --> 01:07:25.590
it brings it back into the forefront of your

01:07:25.590 --> 01:07:28.230
mind and go, no, let's do the thing. Yeah. No,

01:07:28.369 --> 01:07:31.150
no, I agree. It's really, really good. And kind

01:07:31.150 --> 01:07:33.309
of hot as well. It is, yeah. Having you kneel

01:07:33.309 --> 01:07:35.670
in front of me and beg for absolution. Yeah.

01:07:36.349 --> 01:07:40.179
It's quite nice. Yeah. I like it. um and this

01:07:40.179 --> 01:07:42.179
section also talks about punishment which is

01:07:42.179 --> 01:07:44.019
again something that we lay out in a lot of detail

01:07:44.019 --> 01:07:45.900
in the rules which we'll be talking about in

01:07:45.900 --> 01:07:48.059
the next episode but in the contract it talks

01:07:48.059 --> 01:07:50.599
about your responsibility to enforce the rules

01:07:50.599 --> 01:07:52.880
with all of the authority that you have yeah

01:07:52.880 --> 01:07:54.880
um and that i can expect to be punished for each

01:07:54.880 --> 01:07:56.800
and every breach of the rules which is about

01:07:56.800 --> 01:07:59.800
both setting my expectations that there will

01:07:59.800 --> 01:08:01.860
be consequences to bad behavior but also again

01:08:01.860 --> 01:08:03.980
setting out that responsibility to you to yeah

01:08:03.980 --> 01:08:05.980
to enforce that discipline because that's something

01:08:05.980 --> 01:08:09.599
that i thrive on yeah um it mentions that you

01:08:09.599 --> 01:08:11.360
will ensure that the punishment is proportionate

01:08:11.360 --> 01:08:12.880
to the breach that led to it so you're not going

01:08:12.880 --> 01:08:15.340
to necessarily pick the harshest one on there

01:08:15.340 --> 01:08:17.479
and apply it to the harshest degree that you

01:08:17.479 --> 01:08:19.439
can for some minor slip -up there's something

01:08:19.439 --> 01:08:21.640
about kind of cumulative yeah rule breaks as

01:08:21.640 --> 01:08:23.779
well so so you're right if you if you forget

01:08:23.779 --> 01:08:26.199
your medication one fairly minor punishment if

01:08:26.199 --> 01:08:29.260
you forget it five times then actually in a short

01:08:29.260 --> 01:08:31.680
space of time yeah then actually that that's

01:08:31.680 --> 01:08:33.520
where that proportionality comes in and going

01:08:33.520 --> 01:08:37.350
yeah you need to learn to stop doing this gotta

01:08:37.350 --> 01:08:39.630
teach me to learn gotta teach you to learn and

01:08:39.630 --> 01:08:42.869
oh yeah i really like that yeah kind of going

01:08:42.869 --> 01:08:44.590
through it now like the thought that has gone

01:08:44.590 --> 01:08:47.270
into it is yeah is enormous considering it was

01:08:47.270 --> 01:08:49.329
over a year ago now that we did it yeah we put

01:08:49.329 --> 01:08:51.529
a lot of work into it it's quite a long process

01:08:51.529 --> 01:08:54.750
and it was a really fun process yeah And this

01:08:54.750 --> 01:08:56.890
also talks about changes to the rules as well.

01:08:57.010 --> 01:09:00.149
So either of us can suggest new rules and it

01:09:00.149 --> 01:09:02.590
also does give you the right to at your absolute

01:09:02.590 --> 01:09:03.909
discretion. At your absolute discretion. That's

01:09:03.909 --> 01:09:05.550
the third time in one section that I've used

01:09:05.550 --> 01:09:07.689
that. I was really enjoying that. You were enjoying

01:09:07.689 --> 01:09:10.090
that one, yeah. But at your absolute discretion,

01:09:10.270 --> 01:09:13.689
you can add, remove or amend any rule. In realistic

01:09:13.689 --> 01:09:15.869
terms, there is always a discussion around it.

01:09:16.029 --> 01:09:19.289
But again, it's that sort of confirmation of

01:09:19.289 --> 01:09:21.510
the power that you have, that you don't have

01:09:21.510 --> 01:09:24.600
to seek my input. yeah you have to listen respectfully

01:09:24.600 --> 01:09:26.739
to it if i give it yeah but you can't just say

01:09:26.739 --> 01:09:28.640
hey there's a new rule it's in there now start

01:09:28.640 --> 01:09:30.680
following it yeah yeah and i can have opinions

01:09:30.680 --> 01:09:32.880
on it but you have the final say yeah and again

01:09:32.880 --> 01:09:35.739
it's not necessarily a power that i've used a

01:09:35.739 --> 01:09:37.680
lot i have threatened it a couple of times but

01:09:37.680 --> 01:09:41.880
over city things yeah i feel like um rather you've

01:09:41.880 --> 01:09:43.020
definitely threatened to put it in the rules

01:09:43.020 --> 01:09:46.500
that i can't steal the clothes yes yes and then

01:09:46.500 --> 01:09:48.020
you have made the really good point that you

01:09:48.020 --> 01:09:50.159
look quite good in a lot of my jeans so yeah

01:09:51.720 --> 01:09:54.319
which does take the wind out of my sails um just

01:09:54.319 --> 01:09:56.380
slightly but then the next section is about limits

01:09:56.380 --> 01:10:01.140
and exclusions um so it talks about um this is

01:10:01.140 --> 01:10:03.520
a lot about my responsibilities within the contract

01:10:03.520 --> 01:10:06.880
so we'll we will both always abide by um any

01:10:06.880 --> 01:10:08.699
hard limits that are set out in the rules and

01:10:08.699 --> 01:10:11.140
there are some hard limits set out um in the

01:10:11.140 --> 01:10:14.420
rules but not many um making sure that we're

01:10:14.420 --> 01:10:16.300
taking reasonable steps to protect each other's

01:10:16.300 --> 01:10:20.239
safety um and only um you know responsibility

01:10:20.239 --> 01:10:22.819
for me to make sure that i don't submit you to

01:10:22.819 --> 01:10:25.039
any act or do anything to you without kind of

01:10:25.039 --> 01:10:27.340
thinking through and discussing the risks yeah

01:10:27.340 --> 01:10:29.260
are involved as we've talked about in previous

01:10:29.260 --> 01:10:31.600
episodes our approach to kink kind of broadly

01:10:31.600 --> 01:10:34.840
aligns best with rack for risk aware consensual

01:10:34.840 --> 01:10:37.319
kink it is about understanding the risks and

01:10:37.319 --> 01:10:39.979
acting accordingly yeah um which is which is

01:10:39.979 --> 01:10:44.079
really important um to both of us um And then

01:10:44.079 --> 01:10:45.899
there are some things in there about kind of

01:10:45.899 --> 01:10:49.439
the wider, our place in the world. Yeah. I suppose,

01:10:49.479 --> 01:10:51.460
which kind of sets some limits and exclusions

01:10:51.460 --> 01:10:53.380
around our contract. So I'm not going to make

01:10:53.380 --> 01:10:55.359
you do anything which is going to like, it could

01:10:55.359 --> 01:10:57.220
result in a criminal charge or a conviction.

01:10:57.500 --> 01:10:59.460
And we specifically said likely to result in

01:10:59.460 --> 01:11:00.920
criminal charge or conviction because there's

01:11:00.920 --> 01:11:02.539
a lot of kink that falls into some legal grey

01:11:02.539 --> 01:11:05.199
areas. Yeah. So we're not taking things off the

01:11:05.199 --> 01:11:07.520
table just because there potentially could lead

01:11:07.520 --> 01:11:10.390
to that. It's things that are likely. Yeah. So

01:11:10.390 --> 01:11:12.489
telling me to go and get naked in the middle

01:11:12.489 --> 01:11:14.949
of a public street, for example, would be very

01:11:14.949 --> 01:11:17.609
likely to get me arrested. Yeah. Yeah, that's

01:11:17.609 --> 01:11:20.949
fair. I'm not going to ask you to do that. So

01:11:20.949 --> 01:11:23.489
I'm not, equally though, not going to make you,

01:11:23.569 --> 01:11:28.310
I won't submit to the slaves or make you do anything

01:11:28.310 --> 01:11:30.289
or do anything to you that is going to violate

01:11:30.289 --> 01:11:33.189
or likely to violate the consent of other people.

01:11:33.350 --> 01:11:36.449
Yeah. Or do things in a setting where other people

01:11:36.449 --> 01:11:38.930
aren't able to consent prior to it taking place.

01:11:39.090 --> 01:11:41.630
Yeah. So, you know, kind of that really is talking

01:11:41.630 --> 01:11:46.390
about kind of kinking in public spaces. And everyone

01:11:46.390 --> 01:11:50.069
has a line there, I suppose, in terms of that.

01:11:50.149 --> 01:11:53.949
I guess it's back to something that is in an

01:11:53.949 --> 01:11:56.189
earlier part of the contract about kind of observing

01:11:56.189 --> 01:11:58.750
protocol in a way that is considered socially

01:11:58.750 --> 01:12:01.770
acceptable or acceptable in the situations that

01:12:01.770 --> 01:12:05.770
we're in. that part of it is about being subtle

01:12:05.770 --> 01:12:08.369
and mindful of where you are yeah this part is

01:12:08.369 --> 01:12:11.010
is more specifically about actually not doing

01:12:11.010 --> 01:12:14.310
things which people won't have consented to yeah

01:12:14.310 --> 01:12:18.149
in in public spaces and the line for me around

01:12:18.149 --> 01:12:20.050
that is things that definitely shouldn't happen

01:12:20.050 --> 01:12:23.409
in public is nudity sex acts and acts of violence

01:12:23.409 --> 01:12:25.800
things that we were likely to find distressing

01:12:25.800 --> 01:12:28.800
to witness yeah i don't personally think it's

01:12:28.800 --> 01:12:31.199
it's a violation of consent to be weird in public

01:12:31.199 --> 01:12:33.739
yeah probably a whole episode or a bigger discussion

01:12:33.739 --> 01:12:36.100
yeah exactly where that line is and there's definitely

01:12:36.100 --> 01:12:38.579
some gray areas and room for different people

01:12:38.579 --> 01:12:40.119
to interpret things differently and have their

01:12:40.119 --> 01:12:42.439
own perspectives but to me there's a very clear

01:12:42.439 --> 01:12:45.079
difference between you spanking me in the middle

01:12:45.079 --> 01:12:49.430
of a supermarket yeah and you you know subtly

01:12:49.430 --> 01:12:51.689
whispering in my ear in the supermarket and insulting

01:12:51.689 --> 01:12:53.989
me in a in a way that we find hot yeah you know

01:12:53.989 --> 01:12:56.189
there's a difference there where one of those

01:12:56.189 --> 01:12:58.649
things is is highly likely to cause distress

01:12:58.649 --> 01:13:01.130
and offense to people yeah and another is something

01:13:01.130 --> 01:13:03.029
that unless people are really making an effort

01:13:03.029 --> 01:13:05.130
to eavesdrop in what we're doing it affects nobody

01:13:05.130 --> 01:13:08.489
yeah yeah that's fair um and then i also won't

01:13:08.489 --> 01:13:11.430
do anything that will um impact on your career

01:13:11.430 --> 01:13:13.789
your study or relationship with friends and family

01:13:13.789 --> 01:13:16.930
members yeah so you know we've talked about um

01:13:17.289 --> 01:13:19.270
A really good example of kind of career, I suppose,

01:13:19.329 --> 01:13:21.270
would be every now and again we do some kind

01:13:21.270 --> 01:13:23.369
of break time violin where I make you come up

01:13:23.369 --> 01:13:24.869
to the office or I come downstairs with something

01:13:24.869 --> 01:13:26.569
horrible and I hit you with it while you're on

01:13:26.569 --> 01:13:30.090
a break or on your lunch. Me coming and doing

01:13:30.090 --> 01:13:32.550
that while you're on an important team's meeting

01:13:32.550 --> 01:13:36.239
with important people. is not okay no because

01:13:36.239 --> 01:13:39.079
that was that's bleeding into areas of the life

01:13:39.079 --> 01:13:41.760
where where i have no right to yeah that would

01:13:41.760 --> 01:13:44.880
not only be a consent issue but also would likely

01:13:44.880 --> 01:13:47.779
lead to me losing my job yeah so that's that's

01:13:47.779 --> 01:13:49.699
a major negative impact on me as well as others

01:13:49.699 --> 01:13:53.399
yeah yeah and the last bit on there is um about

01:13:53.399 --> 01:13:57.140
neither of us can enter into or seek uh separate

01:13:57.140 --> 01:14:00.279
romantic relationships yeah um so we put that

01:14:00.279 --> 01:14:02.939
in the limits and exclusions so to kind of sit

01:14:02.939 --> 01:14:08.600
alongside our um our agreement about other people

01:14:08.600 --> 01:14:12.100
for sexual play yeah we are you know romantically

01:14:12.100 --> 01:14:17.979
monogamous um and monogamish probably yeah it's

01:14:17.979 --> 01:14:22.260
a silly word but i like it i really like monogamish

01:14:22.260 --> 01:14:26.779
yeah it fought and i the thing i like as well

01:14:26.779 --> 01:14:28.399
about this being in the contract is although

01:14:28.399 --> 01:14:31.020
the contract is very much about the the power

01:14:31.020 --> 01:14:33.520
exchange element of our relationship not really

01:14:33.520 --> 01:14:35.819
about our romantic relationship the contract

01:14:35.819 --> 01:14:39.159
is also something that places a lot of limitations

01:14:39.159 --> 01:14:42.399
around my right to revoke consent including to

01:14:42.399 --> 01:14:45.260
leave the relationship so if you were to form

01:14:45.260 --> 01:14:47.060
a romantic relationship with someone else if

01:14:47.060 --> 01:14:50.439
you were to to emotionally cheat on me I would

01:14:50.439 --> 01:14:52.460
hope that we would both be committed enough to

01:14:52.460 --> 01:14:54.039
this to want to resolve that problem and stay

01:14:54.039 --> 01:14:56.159
together. But it is important that I have the

01:14:56.159 --> 01:14:57.720
right to go, actually, you've betrayed my trust

01:14:57.720 --> 01:14:59.260
to a point where I want to walk away from this.

01:14:59.340 --> 01:15:01.520
If this part wasn't in the contract, I wouldn't

01:15:01.520 --> 01:15:03.720
have the right officially with what we agreed

01:15:03.720 --> 01:15:05.819
to break up with you for cheating on me. And

01:15:05.819 --> 01:15:07.739
I certainly hope that we're never at that point.

01:15:07.819 --> 01:15:10.039
But it's an important right to have. So that's

01:15:10.039 --> 01:15:12.420
why, you know, that's not really a DS thing.

01:15:12.560 --> 01:15:16.199
It's in the contract because it needs to be.

01:15:16.619 --> 01:15:18.859
Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, for all we said at

01:15:18.859 --> 01:15:21.939
the start that this isn't a legally binding contract,

01:15:22.020 --> 01:15:24.399
we're acting like it is. Yeah. We're making a

01:15:24.399 --> 01:15:28.000
commitment. Yeah. Yeah. So it's important to

01:15:28.000 --> 01:15:29.640
have that in there. So we then have a section

01:15:29.640 --> 01:15:31.979
about contract review. So our original contract

01:15:31.979 --> 01:15:34.539
was a set term contract for a year. And this

01:15:34.539 --> 01:15:36.859
section in that contract was about as we come

01:15:36.859 --> 01:15:38.720
to the end of the contract, we need to start

01:15:38.720 --> 01:15:40.619
reviewing it a month before we need to be preparing

01:15:40.619 --> 01:15:42.659
to sign a replacement. So it's a little different

01:15:42.659 --> 01:15:45.439
now because this contract is designed to be one

01:15:45.439 --> 01:15:49.520
that can. run indefinitely um but we are agreed

01:15:49.520 --> 01:15:51.199
still that we're going to do an annual review

01:15:51.199 --> 01:15:53.199
of this so as well as the monthly review that

01:15:53.199 --> 01:15:55.079
we do of just our relationship in general do

01:15:55.079 --> 01:15:57.180
a contract review once a year the outcome of

01:15:57.180 --> 01:15:59.079
that may be that we just leave the contract exactly

01:15:59.079 --> 01:16:01.520
as it is and look at it in a year or it might

01:16:01.520 --> 01:16:04.039
be that we we agree some changes which we would

01:16:04.039 --> 01:16:06.380
approach as equals that we were both going to

01:16:06.380 --> 01:16:09.020
have equal input into and then if we do decide

01:16:09.020 --> 01:16:11.220
to make changes to it we would create a new contract

01:16:11.220 --> 01:16:13.680
which we would then sign And that would immediately

01:16:13.680 --> 01:16:16.479
replace this one. And that might be another indefinite

01:16:16.479 --> 01:16:18.399
contract. I can't imagine there'd be a reason

01:16:18.399 --> 01:16:19.760
why we'd want to step that back to a limited

01:16:19.760 --> 01:16:21.680
term, but we would have that option if we wanted

01:16:21.680 --> 01:16:23.779
to. Literally anything that's in this contract

01:16:23.779 --> 01:16:25.659
could be changed at that point. And as long as

01:16:25.659 --> 01:16:27.600
we both agree, we'll sign it and move forward

01:16:27.600 --> 01:16:30.020
with that. And this section also talks about

01:16:30.020 --> 01:16:32.220
the monthly check -in as well, which I've touched

01:16:32.220 --> 01:16:34.380
on and is something that we talked about quite

01:16:34.380 --> 01:16:37.479
a lot in our episode on communication. which

01:16:37.479 --> 01:16:39.079
the monthly check -in it would be quite rare

01:16:39.079 --> 01:16:40.720
that we would look in any depth at the contract

01:16:40.720 --> 01:16:42.399
but we do tend to look at the rules in quite

01:16:42.399 --> 01:16:45.159
a lot of detail and also talk about things like

01:16:45.159 --> 01:16:48.119
play events things that are kind of going on

01:16:48.119 --> 01:16:50.359
for us on a day -to -day so it's a really good

01:16:50.359 --> 01:16:52.880
just general check -up of how things are yeah

01:16:52.880 --> 01:16:54.939
yeah yeah but again i like that you know there's

01:16:54.939 --> 01:16:56.319
a there's a little there's a clause in there

01:16:56.319 --> 01:16:58.600
about kind of that monthly check -in and the

01:16:58.600 --> 01:17:01.579
annual check -in i suppose um there's not a replacement

01:17:01.579 --> 01:17:04.220
for just talking to each other yeah as as we

01:17:04.220 --> 01:17:08.409
go We don't necessarily save up things for a

01:17:08.409 --> 01:17:12.770
review. If something comes up, we talk about

01:17:12.770 --> 01:17:14.649
it. If we've got a suggestion for a new rule

01:17:14.649 --> 01:17:17.090
or a change to the rule, we talk about it. We

01:17:17.090 --> 01:17:20.189
might say, let's put a pin in it and then agree

01:17:20.189 --> 01:17:23.630
that when we have our review. it's an ongoing

01:17:23.630 --> 01:17:26.149
discussion so the assumption within the contract

01:17:26.149 --> 01:17:28.069
and the rules is that both owner and slave will

01:17:28.069 --> 01:17:30.409
abide by them at all times but this lays out

01:17:30.409 --> 01:17:32.430
how there might be some times where there might

01:17:32.430 --> 01:17:34.850
be reasons where we would benefit from time limited

01:17:34.850 --> 01:17:37.050
adjustments to either the contract itself or

01:17:37.050 --> 01:17:40.130
the rules It makes it really clear that both

01:17:40.130 --> 01:17:41.810
of us have the responsibility to communicate

01:17:41.810 --> 01:17:43.670
that, whether it's about ourselves or the other

01:17:43.670 --> 01:17:47.609
person. So it's easy to say, you know, I've got

01:17:47.609 --> 01:17:49.710
flu. I need to just be able to lie in bed and

01:17:49.710 --> 01:17:51.590
do nothing all week. It's maybe a little bit

01:17:51.590 --> 01:17:54.449
harder to challenge another person and say, your

01:17:54.449 --> 01:17:56.170
mental health doesn't seem to be in a good place

01:17:56.170 --> 01:17:57.689
right now and I feel like you're doing too much.

01:17:57.729 --> 01:18:01.869
I want you to kind of ease off. This makes it

01:18:01.869 --> 01:18:03.890
clear we both have the responsibility to do that

01:18:03.890 --> 01:18:06.729
because that's an important thing too. Yeah,

01:18:06.729 --> 01:18:10.029
I agree. And then if that happens, we agree what

01:18:10.029 --> 01:18:12.369
the adjustment is. We have a conversation about

01:18:12.369 --> 01:18:15.909
how long we might need to do that for. Yeah.

01:18:15.970 --> 01:18:17.949
And then we would revert back. Yeah. And the

01:18:17.949 --> 01:18:20.729
time that we revert back is by mutual agreement.

01:18:20.909 --> 01:18:23.430
So this section really does sort of pull it back

01:18:23.430 --> 01:18:25.970
to that foundation of equality that I talk about

01:18:25.970 --> 01:18:28.250
where, yes, the authority is transferred in this

01:18:28.250 --> 01:18:30.109
relationship. Yes, the power is transferred in

01:18:30.109 --> 01:18:32.750
this relationship. But when it comes to our mutual

01:18:32.750 --> 01:18:35.810
well -being, we are both involved in. making

01:18:35.810 --> 01:18:38.369
decisions together to make sure that's protected

01:18:38.369 --> 01:18:42.170
yeah yeah no i agree um and then the last i think

01:18:42.170 --> 01:18:44.189
this is the last last substantive section anyone

01:18:44.189 --> 01:18:46.670
um is around kind of termination and breach contract

01:18:46.670 --> 01:18:49.170
and again all good contracts have something in

01:18:49.170 --> 01:18:51.390
about termination but this is again a really

01:18:51.390 --> 01:18:54.130
one of those sections which really drives home

01:18:54.130 --> 01:18:57.369
the the the exchange of power yeah and the different

01:18:57.369 --> 01:19:00.710
kind of positions we we have accepted as part

01:19:00.710 --> 01:19:03.960
of this contract where um Essentially, I can

01:19:03.960 --> 01:19:05.579
terminate the contract for any reason at any

01:19:05.579 --> 01:19:09.300
time. Yes. I can just do that, which just seems

01:19:09.300 --> 01:19:11.800
wild to say out loud because I can't imagine

01:19:11.800 --> 01:19:15.800
a situation where I would, whereas you don't

01:19:15.800 --> 01:19:18.619
have a right to terminate the contract unless

01:19:18.619 --> 01:19:26.939
there are specific situations that arise, I suppose,

01:19:26.979 --> 01:19:30.000
in terms of breach of contract. So I have the

01:19:30.000 --> 01:19:32.699
right to punish you for... breach of contract

01:19:32.699 --> 01:19:35.039
without terminating it so if you break a rule

01:19:35.039 --> 01:19:37.020
that is technically a breach of the contract

01:19:37.020 --> 01:19:40.180
but i don't have to term i wouldn't terminate

01:19:40.180 --> 01:19:41.859
it for those and there's nothing in here that

01:19:41.859 --> 01:19:44.100
ever says you have to terminate it it's you have

01:19:44.100 --> 01:19:46.300
that option but you can also choose to punish

01:19:46.300 --> 01:19:49.020
or choose to communicate through things and yeah

01:19:49.020 --> 01:19:52.560
yes however you want yeah yeah um but for your

01:19:52.560 --> 01:19:55.479
on your side of it if i breach any of my responsibilities

01:19:55.479 --> 01:19:58.760
as i set out in the contract then you can terminate

01:19:58.760 --> 01:20:02.029
terminate it at your discretion yeah um which

01:20:02.029 --> 01:20:04.069
i guess i suppose goes back to when we were talking

01:20:04.069 --> 01:20:06.569
about kind of romantic relationships yeah that

01:20:06.569 --> 01:20:08.569
would be a really it's a really clear example

01:20:08.569 --> 01:20:11.149
of the kind of thing that might happen in some

01:20:11.149 --> 01:20:13.829
version of reality where actually that would

01:20:13.829 --> 01:20:16.350
be too far for you and that that gives you that

01:20:16.350 --> 01:20:19.029
kind of ability within the context of this contract

01:20:19.029 --> 01:20:23.289
to to terminate it yeah um i i think this is

01:20:23.289 --> 01:20:26.250
a really interesting one because like i say drives

01:20:26.250 --> 01:20:30.229
home the power exchange in it but it is also

01:20:30.229 --> 01:20:31.970
one of those where you just kind of think you

01:20:31.970 --> 01:20:34.989
would talk about it though yeah and that's why

01:20:34.989 --> 01:20:37.350
it doesn't say either of us ever has to terminate

01:20:37.350 --> 01:20:39.810
the contract it's yeah if we are the people that

01:20:39.810 --> 01:20:41.350
we think we are we're going to try to talk our

01:20:41.350 --> 01:20:43.329
way through any problems whether that's our relationship

01:20:43.329 --> 01:20:45.090
as a whole or specifically the power exchange

01:20:45.090 --> 01:20:47.869
elements of it we we're going to want to repair

01:20:47.869 --> 01:20:50.869
it before we give up on it but it's important

01:20:50.869 --> 01:20:54.069
that both of us have at least some right to do

01:20:54.069 --> 01:20:56.350
that yeah because we really are irreparable yeah

01:20:56.350 --> 01:20:58.170
i think it's important to mention as well that

01:20:58.510 --> 01:21:01.590
This is specifically, it's a contract for our

01:21:01.590 --> 01:21:05.350
power exchange. So in theory, either of us could

01:21:05.350 --> 01:21:07.710
terminate the contract without necessarily ending

01:21:07.710 --> 01:21:10.050
our relationship. I think because power exchange

01:21:10.050 --> 01:21:13.130
and our romantic relationship are so tangled

01:21:13.130 --> 01:21:15.529
up with each other, it's quite unlikely that

01:21:15.529 --> 01:21:17.149
we would ever be ending one and not the other.

01:21:17.579 --> 01:21:19.699
But theoretically we could. So if we were going

01:21:19.699 --> 01:21:22.220
through some kind of major relationship problems,

01:21:22.340 --> 01:21:24.760
if there had been something like cheating or

01:21:24.760 --> 01:21:27.560
really major dishonesty or a huge amount of trust

01:21:27.560 --> 01:21:31.140
in either direction, we might say, we can't be

01:21:31.140 --> 01:21:33.300
doing this right now. We need to focus on the

01:21:33.300 --> 01:21:36.579
basics and then come back to this. So there is

01:21:36.579 --> 01:21:39.300
a possible version of this where the contract

01:21:39.300 --> 01:21:40.880
is terminated, but that doesn't mean we're breaking

01:21:40.880 --> 01:21:43.680
up. Hopefully. Neither of us ever have to use

01:21:43.680 --> 01:21:46.600
it. No. That section is there to have in case,

01:21:46.779 --> 01:21:50.199
but hopefully never needed. No. That's true.

01:21:51.239 --> 01:21:53.680
So that's the main section. That is. All that's

01:21:53.680 --> 01:21:57.359
left is our signatures. Yes. Which we will not

01:21:57.359 --> 01:21:59.180
be showing because there is no video and also

01:21:59.180 --> 01:22:00.560
because you don't get the full government names,

01:22:00.659 --> 01:22:06.479
I'm afraid. No. That's our contract. It's taken

01:22:06.479 --> 01:22:09.539
some joint effort and joint work to put it together,

01:22:09.640 --> 01:22:12.140
but it feels like a really good basis for our...

01:22:12.319 --> 01:22:15.239
power exchange and there's a lot of it that drives

01:22:15.239 --> 01:22:16.699
home what we're trying to achieve through the

01:22:16.699 --> 01:22:19.579
exchange of power um and it's one of those things

01:22:19.579 --> 01:22:21.920
where it on the face of it it feels like kind

01:22:21.920 --> 01:22:25.520
of fairly boring admin stuff and it's quite formal

01:22:25.520 --> 01:22:29.699
yeah um you know a little bit dry and some of

01:22:29.699 --> 01:22:32.579
my own prejudice is about really high protocol

01:22:32.579 --> 01:22:35.359
tpe type total power exchange type dynamics in

01:22:35.359 --> 01:22:37.180
the past is that they feel a little bit stiff

01:22:37.180 --> 01:22:39.800
that's been my perception of it in the in the

01:22:39.800 --> 01:22:43.039
past but we have a really high protocol dynamic

01:22:43.039 --> 01:22:45.520
but i don't think necessarily having a formal

01:22:45.520 --> 01:22:49.420
contract and a formal set of rules is is boring

01:22:49.420 --> 01:22:51.699
or particularly formal i really like that i really

01:22:51.699 --> 01:22:53.479
you know not just because i'm a contract nerd

01:22:54.380 --> 01:22:57.260
but really enjoyed that process of drafting the

01:22:57.260 --> 01:23:00.619
contract up and getting the rules right. Yeah,

01:23:00.680 --> 01:23:03.340
it felt very intimate and it feels like a real

01:23:03.340 --> 01:23:06.260
opportunity to reflect on. At that time, it was

01:23:06.260 --> 01:23:08.359
to reflect on the 10 months of the relationship

01:23:08.359 --> 01:23:10.939
that we've had so far and how far we've come,

01:23:10.979 --> 01:23:12.979
how much we've learned about each other, how

01:23:12.979 --> 01:23:15.000
much we had committed to meeting each other's

01:23:15.000 --> 01:23:18.270
needs. how good our communication was all of

01:23:18.270 --> 01:23:20.770
that stuff yeah yeah the contract kind of distills

01:23:20.770 --> 01:23:22.510
it down and gives you a chance to to look at

01:23:22.510 --> 01:23:24.390
your relationship summed up in a couple of pages

01:23:24.390 --> 01:23:27.729
really yeah yeah and go wow we we made that yeah

01:23:27.729 --> 01:23:30.090
yeah yeah we do that we have made that together

01:23:30.090 --> 01:23:32.710
which is really yeah it's really nice yeah it's

01:23:32.710 --> 01:23:35.529
really it's really lovely and and i think it's

01:23:35.529 --> 01:23:37.890
an opportunity that that i think is sometimes

01:23:37.890 --> 01:23:41.970
missing in in not in all relationships but in

01:23:41.970 --> 01:23:44.119
some relationships I think it's an opportunity

01:23:44.119 --> 01:23:46.920
to reflect on the relationship when we do the

01:23:46.920 --> 01:23:48.859
reviews, when we do the admin and the updating.

01:23:48.960 --> 01:23:51.520
Yes. I think the best way I can describe it is

01:23:51.520 --> 01:23:55.159
to use a work example. So I used to have a job

01:23:55.159 --> 01:23:57.939
where I would be doing service improvement and

01:23:57.939 --> 01:24:00.560
looking at processes and stuff like that. And

01:24:00.560 --> 01:24:02.880
they had those kind of people like me doing that

01:24:02.880 --> 01:24:04.680
job separate to the people who were doing the

01:24:04.680 --> 01:24:07.100
work, doing the process day to day. It's because

01:24:07.100 --> 01:24:10.380
sometimes you are so busy doing the work that

01:24:10.380 --> 01:24:12.420
you don't have time to think about the work.

01:24:12.579 --> 01:24:14.930
Yeah. And I think that kind of analogy kind of

01:24:14.930 --> 01:24:17.970
applies equally to relationships. Sometimes you're

01:24:17.970 --> 01:24:20.909
so busy just being in the relationship that you're

01:24:20.909 --> 01:24:23.270
not really consciously thinking about the relationship.

01:24:23.350 --> 01:24:29.170
You're just living it. And the admin forces us

01:24:29.170 --> 01:24:33.289
to have that kind of reflective time to actually

01:24:33.289 --> 01:24:36.170
specifically and consciously sit down and think

01:24:36.170 --> 01:24:38.609
about our relationship and think about what's

01:24:38.609 --> 01:24:41.149
going well, what could be better, what do we

01:24:41.149 --> 01:24:43.779
want to change. what are our plans where are

01:24:43.779 --> 01:24:46.380
we going which i think is really special yeah

01:24:46.380 --> 01:24:48.279
it's really important that we have that alongside

01:24:48.279 --> 01:24:50.779
just the way that we talk to each other day to

01:24:50.779 --> 01:24:52.960
day but having those kind of fixed points where

01:24:52.960 --> 01:24:55.560
we come together and go okay let's talk about

01:24:55.560 --> 01:24:57.819
this i think i think a lot of people in a lot

01:24:57.819 --> 01:25:01.699
of relationships would benefit from from a little

01:25:01.699 --> 01:25:03.500
bit of that maybe not to the extent of having

01:25:03.500 --> 01:25:05.840
a really formal legal contract yeah but that

01:25:05.840 --> 01:25:08.140
conscious effort yeah because most relationships

01:25:08.140 --> 01:25:10.460
most non -kinky and even a lot of kinky relationships

01:25:10.460 --> 01:25:13.859
for sure don't need a contract but maybe there's

01:25:13.859 --> 01:25:16.279
something there that that people could steal

01:25:16.279 --> 01:25:18.819
in the taking the time to talk through exactly

01:25:18.819 --> 01:25:21.199
what the structure of the relationship is maybe

01:25:21.199 --> 01:25:23.689
if it never even goes down in writing but Taking

01:25:23.689 --> 01:25:25.390
that time, going through that process like we

01:25:25.390 --> 01:25:26.970
did when we were coming up with our contract,

01:25:27.010 --> 01:25:29.489
talking about what are the values that we want

01:25:29.489 --> 01:25:31.170
to bring into this relationship? What are the

01:25:31.170 --> 01:25:32.649
commitments that we're making to each other?

01:25:33.010 --> 01:25:37.210
Mm -hmm. Yeah, yeah. See, I would go... You think

01:25:37.210 --> 01:25:40.489
everyone needs a contract. Yeah, it doesn't need

01:25:40.489 --> 01:25:43.989
to be as legalese as perhaps ours is, but that

01:25:43.989 --> 01:25:46.369
was done for a specific purpose. Yeah. You know,

01:25:46.409 --> 01:25:48.590
we had a reason for writing it the way that we

01:25:48.590 --> 01:25:53.069
did. But... You know, there is a clause in our

01:25:53.069 --> 01:25:54.850
contract which says if there are any... It talks

01:25:54.850 --> 01:25:56.649
about interpretation, talks about disagreement.

01:25:56.989 --> 01:26:01.109
If you're entering into a relationship and what

01:26:01.109 --> 01:26:03.489
you've got is a verbal agreement, verbal contract,

01:26:03.710 --> 01:26:05.329
no -one's ever going to remember that perfectly.

01:26:05.630 --> 01:26:09.949
Yeah, yeah. So actually there is... I think there

01:26:09.949 --> 01:26:11.729
is something for me about, actually, let's write

01:26:11.729 --> 01:26:14.130
it down. These are the things that we promise

01:26:14.130 --> 01:26:16.609
each other. Yeah. You know? Like when people

01:26:16.609 --> 01:26:18.890
get married and they write their own vows. Yeah.

01:26:19.010 --> 01:26:21.890
And they're... that's an opportunity for people

01:26:21.890 --> 01:26:23.470
to say to each other, these are the promises

01:26:23.470 --> 01:26:27.630
that I make to you in this relationship. There's

01:26:27.630 --> 01:26:29.550
something in that for me. I suppose that's what

01:26:29.550 --> 01:26:33.750
marriage is. It's the contract for a couple.

01:26:34.210 --> 01:26:37.350
Except that's one where the vows might be personal,

01:26:37.409 --> 01:26:39.430
but the contract is something that's set by the

01:26:39.430 --> 01:26:41.189
government or by your religion or a combination

01:26:41.189 --> 01:26:44.050
of the two. Where this is like, what does this

01:26:44.050 --> 01:26:46.630
commitment mean to us? Let's write it from scratch.

01:26:47.010 --> 01:26:50.149
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And I just think there's something,

01:26:50.189 --> 01:26:53.250
yeah. I don't know. Maybe I'm being ridiculous.

01:26:53.329 --> 01:26:55.069
I just think there's something in that. I think

01:26:55.069 --> 01:26:57.550
if more couples did that sort of thing, no matter

01:26:57.550 --> 01:26:59.590
the type of relationship they've got, then it

01:26:59.590 --> 01:27:02.010
would probably save a lot of arguments. Probably.

01:27:02.329 --> 01:27:04.529
I definitely feel like, you know, this debate

01:27:04.529 --> 01:27:06.529
happens about are kinky people better at communicating

01:27:06.529 --> 01:27:08.810
or not? And I don't think that we necessarily

01:27:08.810 --> 01:27:10.770
are at all. But there is definitely something

01:27:10.770 --> 01:27:13.630
to... The way that kink encourages you to think

01:27:13.630 --> 01:27:16.130
about communication and the structuring of your

01:27:16.130 --> 01:27:18.970
relationship and the way that you sort of personalise

01:27:18.970 --> 01:27:21.510
relationships and intimacy and communication

01:27:21.510 --> 01:27:23.850
to fit the needs of the people involved. Where

01:27:23.850 --> 01:27:25.649
I think if I woke up one day and was like, I'm

01:27:25.649 --> 01:27:27.550
just not kinky anymore. I want a completely vanilla

01:27:27.550 --> 01:27:29.449
relationship and a completely vanilla sex life.

01:27:29.829 --> 01:27:32.250
There is so much stuff from this period of my

01:27:32.250 --> 01:27:34.170
life that I would carry forward with me. Things

01:27:34.170 --> 01:27:36.270
like having a monthly check -in and having some

01:27:36.270 --> 01:27:37.810
sort of commitments for the relationship written

01:27:37.810 --> 01:27:39.869
down somewhere. Because it's really valuable

01:27:39.869 --> 01:27:43.789
in any type of relationship. Yeah. Yeah, I think

01:27:43.789 --> 01:27:47.189
it is. And, you know, there you go. That's my

01:27:47.189 --> 01:27:50.489
two pence worth. I think that was an excellent

01:27:50.489 --> 01:27:52.989
way to round things off with a tangent with a

01:27:52.989 --> 01:27:55.590
good point to it. Excellent. I do love a good

01:27:55.590 --> 01:28:22.979
tangent. You do. And a good point. See you next

01:28:22.979 --> 01:28:23.279
time.