WEBVTT

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Welcome to Don't Scare the Newbies, a podcast

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where we talk kink, raw and unfiltered. I'm Kiri

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zal, a lifestyle submissive in a 24 -7 dynamic

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who likes their kink heavy, intense and scary.

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And I'm S, Kirizal’s dominant, who knows how

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to deliver all of the above. And today we're

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going to be talking about how important it is

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to communicate in DS. We talk about communication

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in every single episode and that will never stop.

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So today we're going to really focus on that.

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Should be good. I thought today we would chat

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a little bit about communication, seeing as that's

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something that we are very good at. You would

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always know that with some of the fnfnfn eurgh

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on the podcast, but I would say that we are both

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very good communicators. When we don't have a

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microphone pointed at us, we are excellent communicators.

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And we're getting there with microphones. It

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just takes us a minute to warm up. That is true.

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That is true. but communication specifically

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in ds and kinky power exchange relationships

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yes um because it is very very important to get

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right i think it's a it's a general relationship

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skill communication is the key to pretty much

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anything that can go wrong or right in a relationship

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yep and you just think about all of the um silly

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reality tvs tv shows that we watch and we sit

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there for like nine out of ten episodes saying

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to each other have they not talked about this

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before have they not had a conversation About

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this wildly important thing that they're now

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arguing about on Netflix. I know, yeah. We watch

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too much trashy reality TV, to be fair. But it

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does make us feel really good about our relationship.

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We feel really smug. That's probably why we do

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it. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Never be us. But it's something

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that you see not just in reality TV, where you're

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definitely seeing the worst of communication

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skills, but often... talking to friends they'll

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talk about a problem they're having in a relationship

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and the the solution is literally sit down have

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a conversation about it but i think people often

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have that barrier up if i talk to my partner

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it makes the problem more real or what if they

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react badly or yeah and not even just talking

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about problems i think it's very hard to express

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emotion sometimes and ask for things that you

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want and yeah That was a huge problem in a lot

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of my relationships before I figured out I was

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kinky. Part of it was that shame where I wasn't

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wanting to acknowledge what I needed, so I wasn't

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getting what I needed. But also because I got

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that wall up, I wasn't talking about anything

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else that I needed, even non -kink related stuff,

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you know, other stuff that could have really

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improved intimacy and communication and how we

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sort of compromised and balanced our lives together.

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I think communication is something that everyone

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needs to work on a little more. But in kink,

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it's a bigger deal. Yeah, I would agree. I think

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it really helps with managing conflict. Something

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that always sticks in my head is when we'd been

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dating for, I don't know, two or three months

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and we were spending a lot of time together.

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It was just before I moved in and I was already

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practically living here. You mentioned that you

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were surprised we hadn't had a big fight yet.

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And I was like, but that's not mandatory. You

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know, that's not a thing that has to happen in

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relationships. But I think it's so common that

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it is very normalised and you expect it to happen.

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yeah i think so it's the general view isn't it

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that couples argue all the time yeah and it's

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like well that's just silly isn't it and you

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know kind of that view that marriages or relationships

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or couples it's it's hard work yeah and you're

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like yeah but it doesn't feel like it does it

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it shouldn't it shouldn't yeah do you know what

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yeah like if it feels like hard work then maybe

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you need to talk about that and work out why

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that is because it is is the difference between

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effort and hard work yes i think is the is the

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key yeah i think it's something as well about

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i don't know i guess especially especially but

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not exclusively for men is that you just don't

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talk about that stuff you kind of go it's fine

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yeah and get on with your life and don't really

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think about it and then over time it kind of

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builds up and that's not unique to men but i

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think kind of generally people who've been socialized

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as male don't have that openness yeah There's

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a lot of social expectation for men not to really

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talk about their emotions with their partner

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or their friends. And who does that really leave

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you? Yeah. It's not a good position to be in.

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Yeah. And then I think the sort of the flip side

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of that is that women are very encouraged to

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have kind of girl talk and offload a lot of relationship

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problems on their friends, which can be a really

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good pressure release, but sometimes diverts

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away from talking about it in the relationship,

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which is where the actual the fix is. Yeah. Yeah,

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that's a fair point. Sometimes healthy to go

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and have that vent, you know, rather than offloading

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on your partner if you're really mad at them.

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Like, take a minute to tell someone else first.

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Yeah, yeah. But to actually resolve the problem,

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you've got to talk to the person that it's with.

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That is true. And I'm a big believer that conflict,

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or at least arguments and fights, can be prevented.

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And that doesn't mean that your relationships

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fail if you have one. I think, you know, none

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of us are perfect. Conflict can be something

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that's done in a really healthy and open and

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mutually respectful way. and working together

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to solve the problem instead of against each

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other. And I think that's something that we do

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really well. I think so. I think it's a big part

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of the back for us. So I think we can say that

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we definitely agree communication is important.

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When it comes to kink, I would say it's even

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more important. And there's a few reasons why

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that is. A big one is obviously the level of

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risk that comes with all kink. A lot of kinks

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involve some level of either physical or psychological

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risk. And the only way to manage that effectively

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is to have really good communication with each

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other while you're doing it. Sort of just doing

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things spontaneously with no communication is

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where those mistakes start to happen. And of

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course, the way that consent works in kink can

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sometimes be a little bit more complex as well.

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And that's not to say that consent is not complicated

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and worthy of a lot of communication in any relationship

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to make sure that everyone really understands

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each other and is on the same page. But because

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kink can make it a little bit more modifiable

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and do some unusual sort of things with it, I

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think that's where the need for a deeper level

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of communication sometimes comes from. Yeah,

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I think you would agree. I think one of the really

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interesting conversations we've had recently

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is... the underlying ethos of of consent in kinky

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relationships versus in non -kinky relationships

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yeah it's like in traditional relationships non

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-kinky relationships vanilla sex or whatever

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you want however you want to describe it it's

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almost as if the the underlying principle of

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it is everything's on the table unless you say

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no yeah whereas in kink that's often flipped

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on its head yeah to say nothing is on the table

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and set unless you say yes and there's depending

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on the type of kink relationship you're having

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depending on the type of play that you're doing

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i suppose there are variations within that but

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i think it's a really good way to kind of think

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about how we approach kinky play and ds dynamics

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and relationships and things like that is actually

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really really carefully considered really closely

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deeply discussed and thought through in a way

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that it just isn't typically in in traditional

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kind of sexual relationships which is when you

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say it out loud it just seems bizarre yeah and

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i do think things are improving the people that

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i talk to who are not kinky or not as kinky it

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seems like those kind of conversations more nuanced

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conversations about consent are starting to happen

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a lot more yeah it's starting to be something

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people are educated on younger where when i was

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a teenager i don't remember ever hearing anyone

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have a beyond like oh make sure you say no to

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the boys kind of yeah that was about it but talking

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about once you're ready to say yes the fact that

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it's not it's not that binary like the idea of

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sort of actually sitting down having a conversation

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with someone before sex or before dating or before

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any kind of physical intimacy saying these are

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the things i want to do and these are the things

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i don't yeah it was almost seen as a thing that

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would just kind of happen once you open the box

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and that's that's not how it should be i think

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that's starting to be discussed a little more.

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But I do think that opt -out consent does have

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its place, as long as that's being talked about

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as well. Saying sort of, these are the limits

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I have, anything else, surprise me. If that's

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negotiated, it's fine. But not even opting into

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the opt -out consent is where it can get a bit

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murky. Yeah, and again, I suppose that's a whole

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other really big conversation, isn't it, about

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the way that consent works in our relationship

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is probably a little bit different to what you

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might read. about in terms of consent and how

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that works in kink relationships because of the

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total power exchange type of dynamic that we

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have yeah absolutely because the thing about

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kink in general not just the consent that it

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uses but how it works as a whole is it so customizable

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you you kind of create your own structure your

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own rules your own way of doing things that suits

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everyone involved in it and what we have done

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is the longer we've been together the more that

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how consent works and how negotiation works to

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a large extent has shifted yeah and that's been

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very conscious and very intentional and As we

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will continue to bang on about in this episode,

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very full of communication. Lots and lots of

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communication because that's how you do it. When

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you start breaking the rules and writing your

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own, you have to. Yeah, exactly. And so as you'd

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expect, I suppose, when you're thinking about

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that opt -in model of consent where nothing's

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on the table unless you say it is, various kinky

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people or groups of kinky people have come up

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with some different models for thinking about

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how you work through communicating, negotiating

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and consenting to. kinky activity we're not going

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to go into loads of detail about these but the

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the first one and probably the oldest one i believe

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is safe sane and consensual ssc um which i think

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i think the words probably speak for themselves

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as an idea you know actively and consciously

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making sure that the play that you do is safe

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making sure that it is um sane is a really weird

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word yeah for it um You can see its age. Yeah,

00:10:04.799 --> 00:10:06.980
yeah, I think so. But the intention is good.

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Yeah, and consensual. Obviously, kind of everybody

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is enthusiastically consenting to what is about

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to happen. And the word sane in it, like it's

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definitely, I think, not what would be chosen

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now if someone was coming up with that phrase.

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But the idea behind it is that everyone is. has

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the ability to consent to what's going on and

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is clear -headed in the moment so that is things

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like free of um you know things like alcohol

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and drugs for example not under the influence

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um not in a state of high stress or crisis where

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you you might your judgment might be a little

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screwy um not someone who actually lacks capacity

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to consent you know actually having the ability

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in that moment to understand what you're consenting

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to is a good principle yeah Yeah, no, you're

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right. You're right. And I think as kind of kink

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has evolved over the many decades, the rising

00:10:56.490 --> 00:11:00.009
popularity of edge play and more kind of extreme

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types of kink, those first two words aren't particularly

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helpful. They can be a little subjective. Yeah,

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you know, safe is a subjective word. Sane is

00:11:07.509 --> 00:11:10.769
a subjective word. And actually, and this applies

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to our relationship as well, there are people

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doing absolutely unhinged kinky things which

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are not safe. Yeah. They're doing it in the safest

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way possible. They're doing it really clear -headedly

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and in an informed way. But fundamentally, blood

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play isn't a safe thing to do. No. Bagging isn't

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a safe thing to do. It isn't. There is all sorts

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of stuff that people do which isn't. So I think

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that kind of led people to connect the other

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model, which is RACK, Risk Aware Consensual Kink.

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And that's my personal favourite. It's mine as

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well, because I think it's the most kind of...

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open approach to it yeah you know you would expect

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the word consensual to be in there because that's

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still really important no matter what you're

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doing but actually that relies on well it requires

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everybody who's doing something kinky to be aware

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of what they're doing and be aware of the risks

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of it and to take action to mitigate those risks

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as much as they can yeah Yeah, I really like

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that one for that reason, because even the things

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that would probably be considered safe by a lot

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of people have risk. I'm just saying, well, it's

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safe. We tick the box. It doesn't actually necessarily

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protect you. I read something a while ago about

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someone ending up with like a serious blood clot

00:12:29.809 --> 00:12:31.970
from being spanked, for example. And we've talked

00:12:31.970 --> 00:12:33.549
about this before. Spanking is like it's entry

00:12:33.549 --> 00:12:35.750
level kink. You would think of it being one of

00:12:35.750 --> 00:12:37.809
the safest things possible. And those risks are

00:12:37.809 --> 00:12:40.129
incredibly vanishingly rare. I don't have that

00:12:40.129 --> 00:12:41.690
sort of rattling around in my head as a worry

00:12:41.690 --> 00:12:44.370
when I get spanked. But it is good to know about

00:12:44.370 --> 00:12:46.529
it because then if I started developing symptoms

00:12:46.529 --> 00:12:48.710
after it, I would know what was happening. Yeah.

00:12:48.750 --> 00:12:51.490
And we get checked. Being aware of the risks

00:12:51.490 --> 00:12:53.129
that come with things is really important. And

00:12:53.129 --> 00:12:54.850
then right up at the other end of the scale from

00:12:54.850 --> 00:12:58.149
spanking, we learned quite a lot about waterboarding

00:12:58.149 --> 00:13:00.789
recently. We recently started doing it. We went

00:13:00.789 --> 00:13:02.929
to a four hour workshop on that. And the first

00:13:02.929 --> 00:13:05.110
three hours at least was all about the risks.

00:13:05.149 --> 00:13:07.629
Yeah. Which is exactly how it should be, because

00:13:07.629 --> 00:13:09.490
I went into that knowing it was high risk play,

00:13:09.629 --> 00:13:12.409
knowing there was a risk of drowning from it,

00:13:12.409 --> 00:13:15.730
from aspirating water. But I didn't know half

00:13:15.730 --> 00:13:17.679
the things that came up. there were potential

00:13:17.679 --> 00:13:20.620
risks you know spending a chunk of time talking

00:13:20.620 --> 00:13:22.899
about like brain infections that you can get

00:13:22.899 --> 00:13:25.360
from contaminated water never in a million years would

00:13:25.360 --> 00:13:27.480
have considered that as something to be conscious

00:13:27.480 --> 00:13:30.379
of and that's why that level of education is

00:13:30.379 --> 00:13:32.399
so important as you get more advanced in kink

00:13:32.399 --> 00:13:34.519
is so you can be truly risk aware and make an

00:13:34.519 --> 00:13:37.059
informed decision on what you're doing yeah there's

00:13:37.059 --> 00:13:39.899
a couple of other models as well so the wonderfully

00:13:39.899 --> 00:13:42.659
named prick i do love the name of that that is

00:13:42.659 --> 00:13:45.480
a good one uh personally responsible informed

00:13:45.480 --> 00:13:49.500
and consensual kink yeah um really i think that

00:13:49.500 --> 00:13:51.899
there is more of an emphasis on everybody involved

00:13:51.899 --> 00:13:54.620
taking responsibility for their own education

00:13:54.620 --> 00:13:59.679
and their own risk management um which i think

00:13:59.679 --> 00:14:02.799
is a really good a really good thing to think

00:14:02.799 --> 00:14:04.720
about we talked a little bit about that in a

00:14:04.720 --> 00:14:08.220
previous episode where i i was kind of saying

00:14:08.220 --> 00:14:10.580
i'm always in awe at your level of knowledge

00:14:10.580 --> 00:14:15.529
as a as a bottom yeah and actually you you make

00:14:15.529 --> 00:14:18.649
a point of being at least as if not more informed

00:14:18.649 --> 00:14:21.690
as the person on the top because that's how you

00:14:21.690 --> 00:14:24.269
feel safe that's how you ensure safety i'm definitely

00:14:24.269 --> 00:14:26.429
big on taking responsibility for my own safety

00:14:26.429 --> 00:14:30.070
because ultimately the only person who is really

00:14:30.070 --> 00:14:33.139
responsible for my life is me i need to take

00:14:33.139 --> 00:14:37.059
care of myself um i think i i do like it as a

00:14:37.059 --> 00:14:39.320
as a model but i think i have seen it sort of

00:14:39.320 --> 00:14:41.840
misused or turned against people at times where

00:14:41.840 --> 00:14:44.960
particularly if someone new has gone into something

00:14:44.960 --> 00:14:47.220
untrusted and more experienced partners word

00:14:47.220 --> 00:14:49.679
that it is safe or that the risks are being managed

00:14:49.679 --> 00:14:52.399
well and then something's gone wrong is people

00:14:52.399 --> 00:14:54.019
sort of turning it against them saying well you

00:14:54.019 --> 00:14:55.779
haven't taken personal responsibility you should

00:14:55.779 --> 00:14:57.519
have done more research right it's like yeah

00:14:57.519 --> 00:15:00.090
they should but But they didn't. And let's work

00:15:00.090 --> 00:15:01.649
with where we're at, because the person who had

00:15:01.649 --> 00:15:04.149
the higher burden of responsibility there, I

00:15:04.149 --> 00:15:05.710
would say, is the person who had more experience

00:15:05.710 --> 00:15:08.649
and should have known better. But I don't think

00:15:08.649 --> 00:15:10.330
that's necessarily a failure of the model. I

00:15:10.330 --> 00:15:12.190
think all of these models can be misused to sort

00:15:12.190 --> 00:15:13.929
of bludgeon people and say you're doing things

00:15:13.929 --> 00:15:17.610
wrong if someone's so inclined. Yes. And I think

00:15:17.610 --> 00:15:20.210
that's, I was going to say that earlier on and

00:15:20.210 --> 00:15:21.570
probably should have done, you know, you could

00:15:21.570 --> 00:15:23.830
probably listen to 10 different podcasts talking

00:15:23.830 --> 00:15:26.820
about exactly the same. risk management and consent

00:15:26.820 --> 00:15:30.159
models in kink and have 10 very different conversations

00:15:30.159 --> 00:15:34.759
about it and people get big mad if you if you

00:15:34.759 --> 00:15:37.919
criticize their chosen acronym yeah i've seen

00:15:37.919 --> 00:15:42.159
people have massive arguments about oh yes ssc

00:15:42.159 --> 00:15:46.080
versus rack and you just think you are missing

00:15:46.080 --> 00:15:49.809
the point of kink if that's If that's your focus.

00:15:50.090 --> 00:15:52.850
Anyway. Maybe that kink is arguing about semantics.

00:15:53.110 --> 00:15:55.049
That is, yeah. In that case, it would be really

00:15:55.049 --> 00:15:58.070
hot. Yeah, that kink is smug superiority. Yeah.

00:16:00.190 --> 00:16:05.480
Oh, there's one more. And the last. one uh that

00:16:05.480 --> 00:16:07.620
we're going to mention is again another really

00:16:07.620 --> 00:16:10.740
well -named one fries which i i feel like is

00:16:10.740 --> 00:16:14.100
a fairly new one i i've done before i think fairly

00:16:14.100 --> 00:16:16.320
new and it's also this one unlike the others

00:16:16.320 --> 00:16:18.519
isn't kink specific which is why it doesn't have

00:16:18.519 --> 00:16:21.179
the word kink in it anyway it is more just a

00:16:21.179 --> 00:16:23.340
way of thinking about consent a little bit more

00:16:23.340 --> 00:16:25.620
in depth and a bit more broadly yeah so it's

00:16:25.620 --> 00:16:29.080
fries f -r -i -e -s and it stands for freely

00:16:29.080 --> 00:16:34.259
given reversible Enthusiastic and specific. Yes.

00:16:34.460 --> 00:16:36.419
Did I get that right? You did. Yes, Mx. Excellent.

00:16:36.700 --> 00:16:39.639
I did a blog post about it recently. And even

00:16:39.639 --> 00:16:42.019
though I know that acronym really well, I had

00:16:42.019 --> 00:16:43.600
to Google it beforehand to make sure I hadn't

00:16:43.600 --> 00:16:45.320
got it wrong because it's a long one and it's

00:16:45.320 --> 00:16:47.600
so easy to get sort of scrambled. That is true.

00:16:47.659 --> 00:16:50.039
That's a really good blog post available on kirizal

00:16:50.039 --> 00:16:54.100
.com. Thank you for the promo. It's called Waffles

00:16:54.100 --> 00:16:57.490
and Fries, which entertains me. But you're right,

00:16:57.590 --> 00:17:00.129
that is a model of consent more broadly, isn't

00:17:00.129 --> 00:17:02.769
it? It doesn't have a specific application to

00:17:02.769 --> 00:17:06.150
kink, but it is a really good way of thinking.

00:17:06.150 --> 00:17:08.650
It's a really nice way of thinking about consent.

00:17:08.869 --> 00:17:12.089
And, you know, I don't know the state of sex

00:17:12.089 --> 00:17:14.410
education in schools these days, but that sort

00:17:14.410 --> 00:17:19.329
of model, I would hope, is being used because

00:17:19.329 --> 00:17:21.690
they're really important elements to think about.

00:17:22.390 --> 00:17:25.589
I guess for us, applying that to a kink context.

00:17:27.289 --> 00:17:30.089
doesn't necessarily work or if if not just us

00:17:30.089 --> 00:17:34.289
specifically but if you are in a if you're interested

00:17:34.289 --> 00:17:36.130
in total power exchange as part of your dynamic

00:17:36.130 --> 00:17:39.069
if you're interested in consensual non -consent

00:17:39.069 --> 00:17:41.869
type play that starts to push against some of

00:17:41.869 --> 00:17:44.190
the things yeah in that and i don't think you

00:17:44.190 --> 00:17:46.109
even have to go that far to start to bump up

00:17:46.109 --> 00:17:50.130
against it i think if you are if you are a masochist

00:17:50.130 --> 00:17:52.750
of the type who likes suffering not just experiences

00:17:52.750 --> 00:17:54.789
pain as pleasure but actually likes to have a

00:17:54.789 --> 00:17:57.539
bad time to some degree Even if you're not getting

00:17:57.539 --> 00:18:00.019
into consensual non -consent, you're not necessarily

00:18:00.019 --> 00:18:02.240
in any kind of power dynamic at all. Your consent

00:18:02.240 --> 00:18:04.680
might not always feel very enthusiastic. That's

00:18:04.680 --> 00:18:05.980
sometimes going to be something that you want

00:18:05.980 --> 00:18:08.599
to push at. I think FRIES is a really good foundation

00:18:08.599 --> 00:18:11.140
model of consent. If you are teaching consent

00:18:11.140 --> 00:18:13.279
to young people, if you're teaching consent to

00:18:13.279 --> 00:18:15.619
people who are relatively inexperienced, if people

00:18:15.619 --> 00:18:17.299
are just getting started in kink and wanting

00:18:17.299 --> 00:18:20.630
to experience it. at sort of quite a light level

00:18:20.630 --> 00:18:22.829
as an introduction. I think fries is a really

00:18:22.829 --> 00:18:25.970
good starting point. What I think is important

00:18:25.970 --> 00:18:29.509
is to not feel boxed in by it and that if the

00:18:29.509 --> 00:18:32.190
way that consent works best and feels best for

00:18:32.190 --> 00:18:35.470
you involves bending or breaking some of those

00:18:35.470 --> 00:18:38.390
rules with communication, as we will continue

00:18:38.390 --> 00:18:41.829
to bang on about, with consent from the other

00:18:41.829 --> 00:18:43.650
person or people involved as well, you know,

00:18:43.670 --> 00:18:45.549
like you might be cool with having a miserable

00:18:45.549 --> 00:18:47.089
suffering time, but they might not want their

00:18:47.089 --> 00:18:49.279
partners to be in that state. Yeah, yeah. And

00:18:49.279 --> 00:18:51.680
talking about how you modify it in a way that

00:18:51.680 --> 00:18:57.119
feels safe and supported and comfortable or comfortable

00:18:57.119 --> 00:18:59.559
with the uncomfortable elements of it, I guess.

00:18:59.859 --> 00:19:02.460
Then I think it's okay to branch beyond that.

00:19:02.500 --> 00:19:04.480
And obviously I think it's okay to branch beyond

00:19:04.480 --> 00:19:07.279
that because I'm not sure any of it really applies

00:19:07.279 --> 00:19:11.059
to how I do consent anymore. Informed. I would

00:19:11.059 --> 00:19:13.299
say informed. To be risk aware, you kind of have

00:19:13.299 --> 00:19:15.920
to be informed. I don't necessarily have to be

00:19:15.920 --> 00:19:17.980
informed when you're going to do it to me. But

00:19:17.980 --> 00:19:19.940
it's good for me to be informed about the things

00:19:19.940 --> 00:19:22.640
that are on the menu for us. That might be happening

00:19:22.640 --> 00:19:25.339
at a future time. Yes. Yeah, no, that makes sense.

00:19:25.839 --> 00:19:29.920
So they're just a few of the kind of the consent

00:19:29.920 --> 00:19:32.019
models that are commonly used or commonly talked

00:19:32.019 --> 00:19:34.500
about in the kink community. I think that the

00:19:34.500 --> 00:19:37.240
best thing anybody can do is kind of understand

00:19:37.240 --> 00:19:40.339
what each of them are and kind of make a decision

00:19:40.339 --> 00:19:42.099
about what works with them and then work within

00:19:42.099 --> 00:19:45.279
that framework. And the one thing that they all

00:19:45.279 --> 00:19:48.170
stand and fall on for me. It's how you talk about

00:19:48.170 --> 00:19:50.410
what you're going to do. Yeah. How you communicate.

00:19:50.450 --> 00:19:54.670
We're going to keep saying it. How you communicate

00:19:54.670 --> 00:19:59.069
with each other and how you negotiate. And negotiating

00:19:59.069 --> 00:20:00.769
is one of those things that I think if you're

00:20:00.769 --> 00:20:04.089
outside of the kink world, it sounds boring.

00:20:04.490 --> 00:20:07.269
It sounds formal. It sounds like you're sort

00:20:07.269 --> 00:20:11.220
of sitting down and having a really... dry conversation.

00:20:11.619 --> 00:20:13.359
In the background you can hear the other horny

00:20:13.359 --> 00:20:15.880
animal that lives in this house. Cookie is currently

00:20:15.880 --> 00:20:18.039
in heat and has some very strong opinions about

00:20:18.039 --> 00:20:25.660
it. You can stay if you'll be quiet. You have

00:20:25.660 --> 00:20:31.539
to be quiet. Negotiation is one of those things

00:20:31.539 --> 00:20:33.970
that I think people's perception of it is it's

00:20:33.970 --> 00:20:35.410
going to be a really boring, dry conversation.

00:20:35.890 --> 00:20:38.210
And I think this is definitely a topic for another

00:20:38.210 --> 00:20:39.750
time, but that's why a lot of kink representation

00:20:39.750 --> 00:20:41.910
in media is so bad, because people don't know

00:20:41.910 --> 00:20:44.710
how to write those conversations in a way that

00:20:44.710 --> 00:20:46.410
is engaging. So they just skim over them and

00:20:46.410 --> 00:20:48.089
then you end up with stuff like Fifty Shades,

00:20:48.190 --> 00:20:52.289
which is not ideal. But in real life, it's not

00:20:52.289 --> 00:20:54.690
something I find boring at all. I actually find

00:20:54.690 --> 00:20:56.690
it, it's almost like a kind of foreplay sometimes.

00:20:56.849 --> 00:20:59.250
It's fun because you're talking about the...

00:20:59.480 --> 00:21:00.960
Great stuff that you're going to be getting up

00:21:00.960 --> 00:21:03.640
to. There's different levels of negotiation involved

00:21:03.640 --> 00:21:05.559
for different things. So when I was single and

00:21:05.559 --> 00:21:07.799
I was having a lot of kinky hookups with strangers

00:21:07.799 --> 00:21:10.059
from the internet, most of what I was doing was

00:21:10.059 --> 00:21:12.200
vetting more than negotiating, like talking to

00:21:12.200 --> 00:21:16.480
them to get a feel for safety, arranging sort

00:21:16.480 --> 00:21:18.740
of things like safety checks and stuff with other

00:21:18.740 --> 00:21:20.859
people. Yeah. All of that stuff that we've talked

00:21:20.859 --> 00:21:23.319
about before to make sure that the risk of them.

00:21:23.680 --> 00:21:25.720
Being a serial killer was managed, essentially.

00:21:26.099 --> 00:21:29.200
And because it was often quite simple stuff,

00:21:29.319 --> 00:21:30.440
because when you're playing with someone new

00:21:30.440 --> 00:21:31.960
for the first time, you don't want to overcomplicate

00:21:31.960 --> 00:21:33.200
things and you probably don't want to go too

00:21:33.200 --> 00:21:35.180
heavy. So it was basically, do you want to come

00:21:35.180 --> 00:21:37.240
over and hit me with some stuff? These are the

00:21:37.240 --> 00:21:38.920
areas I like to be hit. These are the areas I

00:21:38.920 --> 00:21:41.940
don't. These are maybe some toys that I wouldn't

00:21:41.940 --> 00:21:43.599
want to use with someone that I've just barely

00:21:43.599 --> 00:21:46.799
met. These are my limits. Let's go. Let's go.

00:21:47.339 --> 00:21:49.880
But if you are doing something more involved,

00:21:50.079 --> 00:21:52.319
like we talked about waterboarding, that obviously

00:21:52.319 --> 00:21:55.759
required... a lot of negotiation not just for

00:21:55.759 --> 00:21:58.359
us to understand how to do it with the education

00:21:58.359 --> 00:22:00.299
that we had but talk about what was going to

00:22:00.299 --> 00:22:02.160
feel comfortable for us for a first experience

00:22:02.160 --> 00:22:03.660
because there were a lot of different options

00:22:03.660 --> 00:22:07.119
there yeah yeah and that's one of fairly few

00:22:07.119 --> 00:22:09.420
i think things where we've actually written out

00:22:09.420 --> 00:22:11.480
a plan yeah and said this is how we're going

00:22:11.480 --> 00:22:13.279
to do it and this is what we're going to do in

00:22:13.279 --> 00:22:16.640
this situation yeah i think because i think partly

00:22:16.640 --> 00:22:18.440
because it was new partly because that four hour

00:22:18.440 --> 00:22:21.720
webinar scared the shit out of us yes like we

00:22:21.720 --> 00:22:23.700
need to be really careful about this because

00:22:23.700 --> 00:22:27.279
you might get a brain infection yeah and that's

00:22:27.279 --> 00:22:29.099
why we bought distilled water that's why we bought

00:22:29.099 --> 00:22:31.279
distilled water yeah and bleach the watering

00:22:31.279 --> 00:22:33.339
can yeah of all the things i've done for kink

00:22:33.339 --> 00:22:35.680
standing in the kitchen scrubbing a watering

00:22:35.680 --> 00:22:38.160
can for about 20 minutes with bleach is yeah

00:22:38.160 --> 00:22:41.099
it's one of the most off the wall yeah yeah it's

00:22:41.099 --> 00:22:45.200
not standard um and negotiating for dynamics

00:22:45.200 --> 00:22:48.819
is an even bigger job uh negotiating for even

00:22:48.819 --> 00:22:52.099
the most intense scenes is only gonna be a fairly

00:22:52.099 --> 00:22:53.980
short amount of your life in the grand scheme

00:22:53.980 --> 00:22:56.160
of things but negotiating a dynamic i would say

00:22:56.160 --> 00:22:57.940
is an ongoing conversation that we've been having

00:22:57.940 --> 00:23:01.059
for the last year and a half i think so i think

00:23:01.059 --> 00:23:03.500
so and i think notwithstanding what you said

00:23:03.500 --> 00:23:05.400
earlier on about kind of that perception that

00:23:05.400 --> 00:23:10.619
you know negotiation is a dry topic i think when

00:23:10.619 --> 00:23:13.960
you're negotiating for a dynamic it does have

00:23:13.960 --> 00:23:17.400
to be quite detailed and quite specific yeah

00:23:17.400 --> 00:23:19.619
and it can suppose if you approach it with a

00:23:19.849 --> 00:23:21.609
different attitude it might not but it can feel

00:23:21.609 --> 00:23:24.390
a little bit dry but i think it needs to be yeah

00:23:24.390 --> 00:23:26.210
if you're doing that because you're getting into

00:23:26.210 --> 00:23:28.809
a level of detail that really matters because

00:23:28.809 --> 00:23:31.170
it's not just an hour on a tuesday night where

00:23:31.170 --> 00:23:32.690
someone's going to come over and do some stuff

00:23:32.690 --> 00:23:34.170
for you and then you're going to go about your

00:23:34.170 --> 00:23:36.190
day yeah it kind of you're starting something

00:23:36.190 --> 00:23:38.390
which is going to slowly kind of creep into your

00:23:38.940 --> 00:23:40.559
If that's what you want to do with your relationship,

00:23:40.619 --> 00:23:42.819
it's going to slowly creep into your day -to

00:23:42.819 --> 00:23:45.460
-day life. It changes both of you as people.

00:23:45.559 --> 00:23:47.500
It changes your routines. It changes the way

00:23:47.500 --> 00:23:49.319
that you talk to each other. It changes all sorts

00:23:49.319 --> 00:23:51.819
of things. So I think it does need to be really,

00:23:51.900 --> 00:23:53.839
really detailed and really, really kind of thought

00:23:53.839 --> 00:23:56.380
out. And the way that we approached that, I suppose,

00:23:56.500 --> 00:23:58.779
was, you know, kind of talking about what we

00:23:58.779 --> 00:24:02.680
enjoyed in a DS relationship, what we wanted

00:24:02.680 --> 00:24:05.400
to get out of it. Yeah. You know, you are...

00:24:07.650 --> 00:24:11.210
very service oriented you like to be useful yes

00:24:11.210 --> 00:24:14.170
so it was important that we had a dynamic and

00:24:14.170 --> 00:24:16.690
rules and stuff that that took advantage of that

00:24:16.690 --> 00:24:20.410
yeah i like to i do have a bit of an element

00:24:20.410 --> 00:24:22.950
of caregiver about me and i like a bit of protocol

00:24:22.950 --> 00:24:25.410
and stuff like that so we made sure that we included

00:24:25.410 --> 00:24:28.349
those yeah types of elements in it as well and

00:24:28.349 --> 00:24:31.950
we started off i think pretty pretty small yeah

00:24:31.950 --> 00:24:34.009
you know sure our first list of rules had maybe

00:24:34.009 --> 00:24:36.549
five or six rules on it yeah very little yeah

00:24:36.549 --> 00:24:39.579
yeah And the key thing there, I think, is even

00:24:39.579 --> 00:24:41.720
though there was only five or six rules, it was

00:24:41.720 --> 00:24:43.960
writing them down. Yeah. And being really clear

00:24:43.960 --> 00:24:46.180
about what the rule is. That was something that

00:24:46.180 --> 00:24:48.339
really impressed me about you because I'd had

00:24:48.339 --> 00:24:51.420
a couple of DS relationships before. One quite

00:24:51.420 --> 00:24:53.440
a heavy dynamic, quite long term. One that was

00:24:53.440 --> 00:24:57.200
a lot lighter, less really communicated, to be

00:24:57.200 --> 00:25:01.039
honest, and quite short. But in both of those,

00:25:01.279 --> 00:25:04.200
the early stages of them just sort of happened.

00:25:04.800 --> 00:25:06.779
We had a conversation about, is this the kind

00:25:06.779 --> 00:25:08.700
of relationship we want? Yes. But then a lot

00:25:08.700 --> 00:25:10.140
of it was kind of going with the flow and figuring

00:25:10.140 --> 00:25:13.039
out as we went along. And that's not necessarily

00:25:13.039 --> 00:25:15.779
a bad thing. You know, particularly my most recent

00:25:15.779 --> 00:25:18.279
ex, we built a very strong and very heavy dynamic.

00:25:18.299 --> 00:25:20.160
And there was a lot of negotiation and communicating

00:25:20.160 --> 00:25:22.539
that went on throughout that. But the early stages

00:25:22.539 --> 00:25:26.470
of it, it was more organic. and less clear where

00:25:26.470 --> 00:25:28.490
with you it was like we're gonna do this right

00:25:28.490 --> 00:25:30.509
from day one we're gonna write some stuff down

00:25:30.509 --> 00:25:33.609
yeah we're gonna approach it in a very very structured

00:25:33.609 --> 00:25:36.069
way and that was a different flavor of ds than

00:25:36.069 --> 00:25:37.910
what i've experienced before and i like that

00:25:37.910 --> 00:25:39.650
clarity i think one of the things i really love

00:25:39.650 --> 00:25:42.269
about power dynamics is the clarity that comes

00:25:42.269 --> 00:25:45.329
with it yeah the absolute certainty of what is

00:25:45.329 --> 00:25:47.390
expected of me what is not expected of me where

00:25:47.390 --> 00:25:49.170
i'm meant to be how i'm meant to be talking what

00:25:49.170 --> 00:25:51.630
i'm meant to be wearing everything being so black

00:25:51.630 --> 00:25:54.779
and white works really well to quiet the chaos

00:25:54.779 --> 00:25:57.660
in my head. And so having that really strong

00:25:57.660 --> 00:25:59.720
clarity be the starting point was something that

00:25:59.720 --> 00:26:02.720
I really liked. There's no one true way. You'll

00:26:02.720 --> 00:26:06.700
never hear me say there's one true way. But I

00:26:06.700 --> 00:26:10.039
do think stuff like that can really help. Whether

00:26:10.039 --> 00:26:14.339
you're in a new relationship and you've been

00:26:14.339 --> 00:26:17.759
doing it for years or brand new to kink, just

00:26:17.759 --> 00:26:19.960
being dead intentional about it and being really

00:26:19.960 --> 00:26:22.990
clear about what is it that... both people or

00:26:22.990 --> 00:26:25.269
all people want to get out of it and how do you

00:26:25.269 --> 00:26:28.049
then start to structure a dynamic around those

00:26:28.049 --> 00:26:31.490
things because i imagine we never talked about

00:26:31.490 --> 00:26:34.410
it but i imagine if you'd said oh i'm really

00:26:34.410 --> 00:26:37.430
service oriented i like to be useful and do things

00:26:37.430 --> 00:26:39.869
around the house and i had insisted that we share

00:26:39.869 --> 00:26:43.029
the housework that we probably would have had

00:26:43.029 --> 00:26:45.869
a conversation yeah about that things like that

00:26:45.869 --> 00:26:47.930
can be a compatibility issue and not necessarily

00:26:47.930 --> 00:26:50.200
one that you can't get past but yeah there's

00:26:50.200 --> 00:26:52.019
a new conversation that then starts there of

00:26:52.019 --> 00:26:53.819
how are we going to figure that out? If we're

00:26:53.819 --> 00:26:55.680
going to lose something that's important to us.

00:26:55.759 --> 00:26:58.440
Yeah. And it's big, you know, that, that honesty

00:26:58.440 --> 00:27:00.559
and openness about, no, actually this is something

00:27:00.559 --> 00:27:04.079
that I really, I really enjoy. So it's important

00:27:04.079 --> 00:27:08.319
to me or that I really need. So I can't do without

00:27:08.319 --> 00:27:10.099
it or a couple of some combination of the two.

00:27:10.259 --> 00:27:12.319
Yeah. Because if you're not having those conversations

00:27:12.319 --> 00:27:15.319
and you, you can write it down all you like,

00:27:15.400 --> 00:27:18.440
it's going to have some challenges up ahead.

00:27:18.890 --> 00:27:21.150
And it's finding that balance between you absolutely

00:27:21.150 --> 00:27:23.930
need to be confident to express the things that

00:27:23.930 --> 00:27:25.509
are essential to you and that you feel are a

00:27:25.509 --> 00:27:27.950
really important need in a dynamic, while also

00:27:27.950 --> 00:27:29.829
having the open mindedness to realise that every

00:27:29.829 --> 00:27:32.509
dynamic is unique and things that you maybe haven't

00:27:32.509 --> 00:27:34.910
liked in the past or thought that you needed

00:27:34.910 --> 00:27:37.009
in the past could change for the new person.

00:27:37.250 --> 00:27:39.390
I remember when we were having those early conversations,

00:27:39.569 --> 00:27:41.390
you'd mentioned that sort of caregiver side to

00:27:41.390 --> 00:27:44.069
you. And I find it very hard to receive care.

00:27:44.480 --> 00:27:47.039
and it didn't put me off you at all I was head

00:27:47.039 --> 00:27:49.140
over heels by that point but I had that moment

00:27:49.140 --> 00:27:50.900
of sort of like oh I don't know if this dynamic

00:27:50.900 --> 00:27:53.759
is going to be quite what I wanted you know like

00:27:53.759 --> 00:27:56.519
that sort of fear but talking to you about what

00:27:56.519 --> 00:27:58.099
that meant to you and what that would look like

00:27:58.099 --> 00:28:02.279
and gradually opening myself up to to experiencing

00:28:02.279 --> 00:28:05.160
that made me realize actually it was something

00:28:05.160 --> 00:28:08.500
that I really value and just hadn't hadn't been

00:28:08.500 --> 00:28:10.900
ready to be vulnerable enough to value yeah by

00:28:10.900 --> 00:28:13.660
letting someone take care of me instead of just

00:28:13.660 --> 00:28:15.539
being useful it's still important to me to be

00:28:15.539 --> 00:28:17.759
useful and to do a lot of service for you yeah

00:28:17.759 --> 00:28:20.859
but also for you to not just be a dominant but

00:28:20.859 --> 00:28:25.279
to be a leader yeah and to to help give me a

00:28:25.279 --> 00:28:27.799
better quality of life and a better way of taking

00:28:27.799 --> 00:28:30.680
care of myself by the care that you show me yeah

00:28:30.680 --> 00:28:33.299
is something that that felt scarier to receive

00:28:33.299 --> 00:28:35.799
than all the harsh discipline in the world but

00:28:35.799 --> 00:28:38.339
now now that would be something that i would

00:28:38.339 --> 00:28:39.960
put on my list of things that i really want in

00:28:39.960 --> 00:28:42.180
a dynamic yeah because you've changed my perspective

00:28:42.180 --> 00:28:44.700
on it yeah so going into those negotiations open

00:28:44.700 --> 00:28:46.259
-minded and that doesn't mean you have to accept

00:28:46.259 --> 00:28:49.319
things that you know are not for you but if you

00:28:49.319 --> 00:28:51.220
find that sort of feeling of being confronted

00:28:51.220 --> 00:28:53.539
by something then i'm not sure that's for me

00:28:53.539 --> 00:28:56.119
listening to what it is listening to what it

00:28:56.119 --> 00:28:57.920
means to that person listening to how it would

00:28:57.920 --> 00:29:01.259
work in the relationship and letting that feeling

00:29:01.259 --> 00:29:03.779
sit for a minute and see where it goes yeah yeah

00:29:03.779 --> 00:29:07.470
the word caregiver for some people in kink has

00:29:07.470 --> 00:29:10.670
a specific set of set of meanings yeah but i

00:29:10.670 --> 00:29:12.869
think where we where we have we're having that

00:29:12.869 --> 00:29:15.490
conversation it was like no what i mean is rules

00:29:15.490 --> 00:29:18.609
that are designed to make your life better yeah

00:29:18.609 --> 00:29:22.250
or to yeah to improve your health and well -being

00:29:22.250 --> 00:29:26.009
yeah so we you know one of our first rules is

00:29:26.009 --> 00:29:28.309
a rule that persists to this day is that you

00:29:28.309 --> 00:29:30.230
need to eat at least one meal a day one proper

00:29:30.230 --> 00:29:33.769
meal a day yeah and there is a there is a proviso

00:29:33.769 --> 00:29:36.430
in there That coffee monster and snacks do not

00:29:36.430 --> 00:29:39.390
count. Or cigarettes. Or cigarettes. Yeah, because

00:29:39.390 --> 00:29:41.089
at the time you set that rule, I was sometimes

00:29:41.089 --> 00:29:44.049
having cigarettes for dinner. Yeah. And a certain

00:29:44.049 --> 00:29:48.230
amount of rules for taking care of me had been

00:29:48.230 --> 00:29:50.210
something I had experienced before, because I

00:29:50.210 --> 00:29:52.630
think in pretty much any DS or MS relationship,

00:29:52.829 --> 00:29:55.069
there's going to be a certain amount of requirement

00:29:55.069 --> 00:29:57.769
to protect the property. You know, that's going

00:29:57.769 --> 00:30:00.009
to be a core part of it for most people. What

00:30:00.009 --> 00:30:04.829
I found difficult to accept at first was things

00:30:04.829 --> 00:30:09.230
like, if I'm sick, you wanting me to really rest

00:30:09.230 --> 00:30:12.670
and just exist and not push myself really hard,

00:30:12.789 --> 00:30:14.890
where I had the idea that a good submissive,

00:30:14.890 --> 00:30:17.069
you try to kind of power through it. And, you

00:30:17.069 --> 00:30:19.430
know, when I was really sick a few years ago,

00:30:19.450 --> 00:30:21.529
attempting to still do all the laundry and washing

00:30:21.529 --> 00:30:23.519
up and stuff where I could barely stand up. yeah

00:30:23.519 --> 00:30:26.359
and that is in no way a criticism of that relationship

00:30:26.359 --> 00:30:28.240
because that's what i wanted at the time that's

00:30:28.240 --> 00:30:30.339
that's what i thought i needed is to be pushed

00:30:30.339 --> 00:30:33.660
really hard so that i didn't break with all the

00:30:33.660 --> 00:30:35.859
stuff that was going on with my body yeah but

00:30:35.859 --> 00:30:41.079
i have learned with you to accept to accept peace

00:30:41.079 --> 00:30:43.480
which is something that i find very difficult

00:30:43.480 --> 00:30:46.119
i think yeah i think something like that though

00:30:46.119 --> 00:30:48.339
is it's it's a variation of what you just said

00:30:48.339 --> 00:30:50.900
it's about looking after the property yeah you

00:30:52.269 --> 00:30:57.269
cannot be a good submissive or a functioning

00:30:57.269 --> 00:31:01.869
person if you are working yourself to the point

00:31:01.869 --> 00:31:05.109
of exhaustion while you're sick yeah but just

00:31:05.109 --> 00:31:08.329
people don't work that way human bodies don't

00:31:08.329 --> 00:31:12.309
work that way yeah so i think finding that balance

00:31:12.309 --> 00:31:15.190
of doing what you can when you're feeling well

00:31:15.190 --> 00:31:17.490
enough to do it and actually properly resting

00:31:17.490 --> 00:31:21.509
i think is a really important It's a really important

00:31:21.509 --> 00:31:28.390
part of the dynamic as well. It's easier to write

00:31:28.390 --> 00:31:30.049
a set of rules which says you are going to do

00:31:30.049 --> 00:31:32.049
this, this, this and this. And those are the

00:31:32.049 --> 00:31:33.289
rules and you write them down and you think,

00:31:33.289 --> 00:31:35.589
right, that's what it is. But actually life happens

00:31:35.589 --> 00:31:37.730
alongside that. And that was a big part of our

00:31:37.730 --> 00:31:41.009
negotiation is talking about what if any of this

00:31:41.009 --> 00:31:42.849
goes wrong? So that could be life happening,

00:31:42.910 --> 00:31:45.940
but it could be also... like problems in the

00:31:45.940 --> 00:31:48.579
relationship problems in the dynamic um because

00:31:48.579 --> 00:31:50.900
something that i had learned from having a previous

00:31:50.900 --> 00:31:54.880
dynamic is that ds breakups are the worst thing

00:31:54.880 --> 00:31:58.160
yeah yeah and we can't there's nothing that we

00:31:58.160 --> 00:32:00.619
can plan to prevent that from being shit if it

00:32:00.619 --> 00:32:03.720
ever happens but there are things we can do and

00:32:03.720 --> 00:32:06.700
build into our negotiations where you know no

00:32:06.700 --> 00:32:08.819
one gets together planning to break up but everyone

00:32:08.819 --> 00:32:11.579
knows that that can happen and it's safety planning

00:32:11.579 --> 00:32:14.240
to try to minimize some of the impact on our

00:32:14.240 --> 00:32:16.619
ability to function as independent humans if

00:32:16.619 --> 00:32:19.799
that has to happen um i think people talk a lot

00:32:19.799 --> 00:32:22.819
about risk with play with kink but probably not

00:32:22.819 --> 00:32:24.700
enough about risk when it comes to power exchange

00:32:24.700 --> 00:32:28.140
where to me that is the edgiest edge play that

00:32:28.140 --> 00:32:32.059
we do yeah is that tangling up your brains with

00:32:32.059 --> 00:32:34.819
each other And embedding each other into the

00:32:34.819 --> 00:32:36.779
routines of your life. And I think one of the

00:32:36.779 --> 00:32:39.880
other things that I like about how we negotiated

00:32:39.880 --> 00:32:44.099
our dynamic and how we developed it was we didn't

00:32:44.099 --> 00:32:46.460
throw the kitchen sink at it to begin with. Like

00:32:46.460 --> 00:32:49.119
our first set of rules was five or six things

00:32:49.119 --> 00:32:53.799
in a shared Google Keep note that I sent to you.

00:32:53.839 --> 00:32:56.400
We wrote it together and I sent it to you. And

00:32:56.400 --> 00:32:59.500
we added things to that as we went. And then

00:32:59.500 --> 00:33:04.329
we had... I think quite a long period of kind

00:33:04.329 --> 00:33:06.930
of talking about having a formal contract yeah

00:33:06.930 --> 00:33:09.450
I think it's about three months that we worked

00:33:09.450 --> 00:33:11.589
or talked about and worked on the contract yeah

00:33:11.589 --> 00:33:15.430
yeah it's you know and we kind of worked through

00:33:15.430 --> 00:33:17.049
that quite a lot and kind of thought about the

00:33:17.049 --> 00:33:18.670
way that we wanted to word it what we wanted

00:33:18.670 --> 00:33:20.890
to get out of it what we wanted it to say yeah

00:33:20.890 --> 00:33:24.470
um and then started to add I think went through

00:33:24.470 --> 00:33:27.789
a period of quite rapidly then adding quite a

00:33:27.789 --> 00:33:31.000
lot of rules but then when we got there contract

00:33:31.000 --> 00:33:33.119
together that was when we really sat down because

00:33:33.119 --> 00:33:35.440
we felt obviously comfortable enough to sign

00:33:35.440 --> 00:33:40.039
a contract to underpin our dynamic that felt

00:33:40.039 --> 00:33:44.000
the right time to go okay so let's really think

00:33:44.000 --> 00:33:47.019
about a whole bunch of rules yeah and how we

00:33:47.019 --> 00:33:50.079
want that to work and you know layering the the

00:33:50.079 --> 00:33:52.359
level of control that was in there because it

00:33:52.359 --> 00:33:53.940
wasn't just adding a lot of additional rules

00:33:53.940 --> 00:33:57.039
it was also fleshing out the ones that we had

00:33:57.039 --> 00:34:00.480
so adding a bit more clarity in some cases a

00:34:00.480 --> 00:34:03.440
bit of complexity in others yeah getting more

00:34:03.440 --> 00:34:06.200
specific with them sort of ramping up the levels

00:34:06.200 --> 00:34:08.960
of control over certain things yeah and one of

00:34:08.960 --> 00:34:10.599
the things that I really like about how we have

00:34:10.599 --> 00:34:13.719
negotiated throughout our dynamic is it's not

00:34:13.719 --> 00:34:16.559
it's not really led by one of us more than the

00:34:16.559 --> 00:34:18.940
other although the relationship is led by you

00:34:18.940 --> 00:34:20.579
because you are you are the dominant you are

00:34:20.579 --> 00:34:23.559
the one who has the the authority in the relationship

00:34:23.559 --> 00:34:26.380
when it comes to creating the dynamic it's very

00:34:26.380 --> 00:34:29.579
very collaborative yeah and we probably roughly

00:34:29.579 --> 00:34:32.880
equally suggest new rules or suggest changes

00:34:32.880 --> 00:34:35.860
and things like that we both very much feed into

00:34:35.860 --> 00:34:38.059
that with a mix of experiences we've had in the

00:34:38.059 --> 00:34:40.559
past things we've seen online ideas we just come

00:34:40.559 --> 00:34:42.760
up with because because our heads are fucking

00:34:42.760 --> 00:34:46.699
it seems like fun yeah yeah um yeah it's never

00:34:46.699 --> 00:34:49.780
one of us dragging the other in any particular

00:34:49.780 --> 00:34:53.519
direction I would say that we approach negotiation

00:34:53.519 --> 00:34:57.199
as equals or with a foundation of equality. The

00:34:57.199 --> 00:35:01.300
protocol and the things that emphasize the difference

00:35:01.300 --> 00:35:03.219
in our power and the difference in authority

00:35:03.219 --> 00:35:06.199
in the relationship are always present. But we

00:35:06.199 --> 00:35:08.760
approach it with the goal of being equally fulfilled

00:35:08.760 --> 00:35:11.199
by this relationship, having our needs equally

00:35:11.199 --> 00:35:13.480
met, having our voices equally heard and how

00:35:13.480 --> 00:35:16.539
we create that together. Yeah. And I think we've

00:35:16.539 --> 00:35:18.670
maintained that all the time. Yeah, I think so.

00:35:18.809 --> 00:35:20.989
I think so. I think you're right. I think it's

00:35:20.989 --> 00:35:25.730
going to say for the 75th, 75 millionth time,

00:35:25.869 --> 00:35:29.929
it's how you communicate, which is the kind of

00:35:29.929 --> 00:35:33.130
fundamental to the success of that sort of thing.

00:35:33.190 --> 00:35:36.110
I think it'd be interesting. I don't know how

00:35:36.110 --> 00:35:40.150
we would have gone on if we had started with

00:35:40.150 --> 00:35:42.989
the level of rules that we have now. If we'd

00:35:42.989 --> 00:35:48.239
gone full on, here is the... Six page contract

00:35:48.239 --> 00:35:51.320
and five pages of rules in a separate document.

00:35:51.579 --> 00:35:53.900
I'd have forgotten half of them. Yeah. I forget

00:35:53.900 --> 00:35:56.739
things like this. I feel like it would have been

00:35:56.739 --> 00:36:00.719
really, really hard for both of us to keep track

00:36:00.719 --> 00:36:02.559
of it. I think you would have really struggled

00:36:02.559 --> 00:36:03.820
because you wouldn't have been able to follow

00:36:03.820 --> 00:36:05.760
the rules as you would want to. Yeah. Because

00:36:05.760 --> 00:36:07.760
you couldn't remember them all. Yeah. And I would

00:36:07.760 --> 00:36:09.539
feel really bad because I'd have to punish you

00:36:09.539 --> 00:36:11.360
for not breaking the rules. Yeah. Or we'd end

00:36:11.360 --> 00:36:13.139
up, and it's a conversation we had, wasn't it,

00:36:13.179 --> 00:36:18.170
early on about my... tendency to be forgiving

00:36:18.170 --> 00:36:21.610
over rule breaks yeah i go oh it's okay i can

00:36:21.610 --> 00:36:23.989
understand why that didn't happen and you're

00:36:23.989 --> 00:36:27.670
like no i need you to i know you understand why

00:36:27.670 --> 00:36:30.510
no you're not blaming me blaming me or thinking

00:36:30.510 --> 00:36:33.750
i'm a bad person but i need you to discipline

00:36:33.750 --> 00:36:36.409
me when i break a rule yeah because that's how

00:36:36.409 --> 00:36:39.690
this works for me yeah yeah and i really need

00:36:39.690 --> 00:36:43.210
discipline it's because i have none i have no

00:36:43.210 --> 00:36:46.710
self -discipline i really rely on that when i'm

00:36:46.710 --> 00:36:49.389
in a relationship i rely on my partner for that

00:36:49.389 --> 00:36:52.829
yeah because otherwise the first time i break

00:36:52.829 --> 00:36:55.449
a rule and you let me off the second time i forget

00:36:55.449 --> 00:36:57.369
to do it my brain's gonna go haha it's not real

00:36:57.369 --> 00:36:59.869
i don't have to do it yeah and then i i would

00:36:59.869 --> 00:37:02.150
never consciously be like i'm not going to make

00:37:02.150 --> 00:37:04.150
any effort to follow these rules but my motivation

00:37:04.150 --> 00:37:07.030
and my drive and my dedication all that would

00:37:07.030 --> 00:37:09.469
start to go and eventually i think if the problem

00:37:09.469 --> 00:37:11.010
went on long enough my submission would go with

00:37:11.010 --> 00:37:12.889
it yeah because if the structure isn't there

00:37:12.889 --> 00:37:15.940
what am i submitting to yeah um but once i've

00:37:15.940 --> 00:37:18.559
explained that to you in that way you've felt

00:37:18.559 --> 00:37:20.300
a lot more comfortable punishing me because you

00:37:20.300 --> 00:37:22.119
realize it's not you being harsh and mean and

00:37:22.119 --> 00:37:24.900
unforgiving it's you giving me what i need to

00:37:24.900 --> 00:37:28.639
feel secure yeah yeah yeah yeah and we still

00:37:28.639 --> 00:37:31.480
do have those you know we had a situation recently

00:37:31.480 --> 00:37:36.780
didn't we um for a whole bunch of entirely reasonable

00:37:36.780 --> 00:37:40.000
reasons you weren't able to close all of the

00:37:40.000 --> 00:37:43.139
rings on your apple watch yes for the number

00:37:43.139 --> 00:37:45.719
of days that you needed so you have a rule where

00:37:45.719 --> 00:37:48.860
you need to close your three rings on your apple

00:37:48.860 --> 00:37:53.460
watch five days out of seven yes um which is

00:37:53.460 --> 00:37:57.199
a cracking rule really good you know as rules

00:37:57.199 --> 00:38:00.940
go um but you didn't do it the other week yeah

00:38:00.940 --> 00:38:05.880
and that was partly because we were out and about

00:38:05.880 --> 00:38:08.840
doing fun things partly you were You had a couple

00:38:08.840 --> 00:38:10.179
of days where you were poorly. I had a couple

00:38:10.179 --> 00:38:11.820
of days where I was poorly. And then we went

00:38:11.820 --> 00:38:15.159
to a play event and you whipped me. And then

00:38:15.159 --> 00:38:17.000
the next day I couldn't function as a human being.

00:38:17.119 --> 00:38:19.679
Yes. And I had left one of my days that I had

00:38:19.679 --> 00:38:21.440
to close my rings to the last day of the week.

00:38:21.440 --> 00:38:23.139
And that day all I wanted to do was lie on the

00:38:23.139 --> 00:38:24.820
couch. So we had a bit, you know, we talked about

00:38:24.820 --> 00:38:26.980
that, didn't we? And I was honest and I said,

00:38:27.000 --> 00:38:29.659
I'm not sure how I want to deal with that. Because

00:38:29.659 --> 00:38:33.000
on the one hand, I want to provide you with what

00:38:33.000 --> 00:38:35.519
you need in terms of that discipline and sticking

00:38:35.519 --> 00:38:38.809
to the punishment. On the other hand, it just

00:38:38.809 --> 00:38:42.449
feels really mean. Yeah. Because you were poorly.

00:38:42.570 --> 00:38:46.570
And then we were away for one day and I turned

00:38:46.570 --> 00:38:49.809
you into soup. So it was kind of my fault that

00:38:49.809 --> 00:38:53.949
you couldn't date on the Sunday. And it took

00:38:53.949 --> 00:38:56.050
me two or three days. In the end, I decided,

00:38:56.110 --> 00:38:57.690
yes, no way, I'm going to impose the punishment

00:38:57.690 --> 00:39:00.650
for that. But it took me two or three days to

00:39:00.650 --> 00:39:04.719
get to that. But again, this is where communication

00:39:04.719 --> 00:39:06.460
comes in, because you told me you were having

00:39:06.460 --> 00:39:09.599
difficulty with that decision. And I said, genuinely,

00:39:09.639 --> 00:39:11.039
if I was in your position, I would be having

00:39:11.039 --> 00:39:13.260
difficulty as well. So if you punish me, I'm

00:39:13.260 --> 00:39:14.940
not going to think you're being too harsh. And

00:39:14.940 --> 00:39:16.280
if you let me off, I'm not going to complain

00:39:16.280 --> 00:39:17.460
that you're not giving me enough discipline.

00:39:17.780 --> 00:39:20.940
I said to you, you know, go with your gut on

00:39:20.940 --> 00:39:23.199
this and I'm not going to complain either way.

00:39:23.320 --> 00:39:26.480
Yeah. Yeah. That was really helpful. Yeah. And

00:39:26.480 --> 00:39:28.780
I really appreciated that. But yeah, that was

00:39:28.780 --> 00:39:31.260
a very long, rambly way of kind of saying, I

00:39:31.260 --> 00:39:33.849
think. You know, one thing to bear in mind when

00:39:33.849 --> 00:39:36.530
you're negotiating a DS dynamic or a DS relationship

00:39:36.530 --> 00:39:41.110
is how much you are physically and mentally capable

00:39:41.110 --> 00:39:43.630
of taking on at any one time. Yes. Because if

00:39:43.630 --> 00:39:46.010
you get into it, you know, we talked in a previous

00:39:46.010 --> 00:39:50.190
episode about frenzy, like sub -frenzy and non

00:39:50.190 --> 00:39:51.849
-frenzy, where you kind of get into something

00:39:51.849 --> 00:39:53.570
and you're like, oh yes, I want to do all of

00:39:53.570 --> 00:39:57.090
the things right away. I think kind of if you

00:39:57.090 --> 00:40:00.590
are in a... what you're planning to be a long

00:40:00.590 --> 00:40:04.630
-term ds dynamic or ds relationship actually

00:40:04.630 --> 00:40:08.570
starting slow yeah starting small it makes it

00:40:08.570 --> 00:40:10.690
more sustainable yeah and it gives you something

00:40:10.690 --> 00:40:13.329
to continue to work on as well like some of the

00:40:13.329 --> 00:40:15.550
most fun times that we have in our relationship

00:40:15.550 --> 00:40:18.929
is is planning new things new play new elements

00:40:18.929 --> 00:40:20.510
to the relationship creating this there will

00:40:20.510 --> 00:40:22.889
come a point where we kind of run out of stuff

00:40:22.889 --> 00:40:24.469
to change and we're like actually this is a good

00:40:24.469 --> 00:40:27.409
point and there'll be fluctuations and circumstances

00:40:27.409 --> 00:40:29.090
that come and go where we have to adjust things

00:40:29.090 --> 00:40:32.710
but like enjoy that process yeah we've been together

00:40:32.710 --> 00:40:34.929
about a year getting closer to two years now

00:40:34.929 --> 00:40:37.389
it's creeping up but over a year and a half and

00:40:37.389 --> 00:40:40.829
we have spent a huge amount of that time talking

00:40:40.829 --> 00:40:43.349
about what is most meaningful to us in our relationship

00:40:43.349 --> 00:40:45.789
what we want to do where we're going with it

00:40:45.789 --> 00:40:48.530
what we're trying to create and i wouldn't want

00:40:48.530 --> 00:40:50.369
that to all be condensed into the first five

00:40:50.369 --> 00:40:51.969
minutes of the relationship even if that was

00:40:51.969 --> 00:40:54.230
doable because because i've enjoyed the journey

00:40:54.230 --> 00:40:57.530
yeah yeah it is a it is a it is the journey not

00:40:57.530 --> 00:40:59.630
the destination yes isn't it so we've talked

00:40:59.630 --> 00:41:03.250
quite a lot um about how you plan for and negotiate

00:41:03.250 --> 00:41:06.170
ds dynamic and and you know as we've just been

00:41:06.170 --> 00:41:09.730
saying it's not a it's not a one and done kind

00:41:09.730 --> 00:41:12.030
of thing and an important part of that is kind

00:41:12.030 --> 00:41:14.829
of checking in with each other as you go so not

00:41:14.829 --> 00:41:17.590
just adding new things to it but actually consciously

00:41:17.590 --> 00:41:21.449
talking about how how the rules are feeling how

00:41:21.449 --> 00:41:27.429
the dynamics feeling yeah um kind of um reflecting

00:41:27.429 --> 00:41:32.269
on how the relationship is um and when you're

00:41:32.269 --> 00:41:34.329
doing when you're playing and doing scenes and

00:41:34.329 --> 00:41:37.710
stuff like that it's important i think to to

00:41:37.710 --> 00:41:41.050
do some reflecting during or after aftercare

00:41:41.050 --> 00:41:45.389
as well yeah so to kind of think about what happened

00:41:45.389 --> 00:41:48.650
and how it felt yeah it tends to be quite a prominent

00:41:48.650 --> 00:41:50.789
part of aftercare for us because neither of us

00:41:50.789 --> 00:41:52.510
for most of the play we do we don't have particularly

00:41:52.510 --> 00:41:55.349
high aftercare needs with a lot downtime But

00:41:55.349 --> 00:41:57.489
I think it's important for both of us to know

00:41:57.489 --> 00:42:01.050
that it went well or if something maybe wasn't

00:42:01.050 --> 00:42:03.409
quite right to talk about that rather than just

00:42:03.409 --> 00:42:06.329
leaving it to fester. Generally, things do go

00:42:06.329 --> 00:42:08.829
well. Yeah. But that's a really helpful thing

00:42:08.829 --> 00:42:11.570
to hear as well afterwards is, you know, like

00:42:11.570 --> 00:42:13.730
me telling you like that was really good. I really

00:42:13.730 --> 00:42:15.170
enjoyed that. I loved all the stuff you were

00:42:15.170 --> 00:42:17.150
doing to me. That was so mean, but in a good

00:42:17.150 --> 00:42:20.719
way. Yeah. And it's good for me to hear. from

00:42:20.719 --> 00:42:23.119
you like you you did really well like it was

00:42:23.119 --> 00:42:26.019
it was really exciting to see you in that situation

00:42:26.019 --> 00:42:29.099
yeah the positive feedback you know can yeah

00:42:29.099 --> 00:42:32.880
can feel really good yeah yeah yeah yeah and

00:42:32.880 --> 00:42:35.500
that's as good that's as important as kind of

00:42:35.500 --> 00:42:38.219
addressing any any issues isn't it it's it's

00:42:38.219 --> 00:42:41.260
it's good to know you're doing a good job yes

00:42:41.260 --> 00:42:43.900
a little bit of praise kink that goes both ways

00:42:43.900 --> 00:42:47.820
yeah definitely definitely and we talk a lot

00:42:47.820 --> 00:42:51.079
about um sort of new types of play particularly

00:42:51.079 --> 00:42:52.960
if we're starting something new or doing something

00:42:52.960 --> 00:42:55.659
we haven't done for a while we'll not just jump

00:42:55.659 --> 00:42:58.900
into that even though with the the type of consent

00:42:58.900 --> 00:43:00.639
model that we use and the type of dynamic we

00:43:00.639 --> 00:43:02.679
have you can just sort of grab me and do stuff

00:43:02.679 --> 00:43:04.800
to me yeah if we haven't done something before

00:43:04.800 --> 00:43:06.900
or haven't done it in a while having the conversations

00:43:06.900 --> 00:43:09.219
about any fears we have around it anything that

00:43:09.219 --> 00:43:11.800
we think is likely to be more challenging you

00:43:11.800 --> 00:43:13.559
know if we're likely to need more aftercare and

00:43:13.559 --> 00:43:14.900
things like that when you're planning for it

00:43:14.900 --> 00:43:16.980
yeah yeah and i think that's really important

00:43:16.980 --> 00:43:19.880
even in a the type of power exchange relationship

00:43:19.880 --> 00:43:23.420
that we've got that doesn't negate the need to

00:43:23.420 --> 00:43:27.079
be a good communicator and a good person you

00:43:27.079 --> 00:43:29.179
know it's that just because you can doesn't mean

00:43:29.179 --> 00:43:31.239
you should you have absolutely you have a lot

00:43:31.239 --> 00:43:33.320
of sort of rights to just like i said just grab

00:43:33.320 --> 00:43:35.739
me and do stuff yeah but thinking about how that's

00:43:35.739 --> 00:43:37.360
going to impact on me how that's going to impact

00:43:37.360 --> 00:43:39.199
on you how it's going to impact on our relationship

00:43:39.199 --> 00:43:41.980
is it the right time is it the right way to do

00:43:41.980 --> 00:43:44.159
that particular thing yeah is there any sort

00:43:44.159 --> 00:43:46.619
of potential downsides to that and and navigating

00:43:46.619 --> 00:43:48.780
that and taking on that responsibility is one

00:43:48.780 --> 00:43:50.739
of the things that you're very very good at yeah

00:43:50.739 --> 00:43:53.519
thanks and you are as well because you you kind

00:43:53.519 --> 00:43:57.159
of that's a two -way street yeah you know you

00:43:57.159 --> 00:43:59.179
you have the ideas as well and talk about them

00:43:59.179 --> 00:44:02.159
and we we find a way to do them and i can remember

00:44:02.159 --> 00:44:04.320
that you know when we first started talking about

00:44:04.320 --> 00:44:07.190
bimbofication Yeah. That came up, I think we

00:44:07.190 --> 00:44:11.269
were on our way to the coast. Yeah. When it came

00:44:11.269 --> 00:44:12.849
up in conversation and we said, oh, we'll think

00:44:12.849 --> 00:44:14.969
about it. And then we ended up having lots of

00:44:14.969 --> 00:44:16.969
conversations about it, having really deep kind

00:44:16.969 --> 00:44:18.829
of chats while we're having a tab in the morning

00:44:18.829 --> 00:44:21.110
by the kitchen door. That's usually the way it

00:44:21.110 --> 00:44:22.670
goes, isn't it? We'll be having a coffee and

00:44:22.670 --> 00:44:24.789
a smoke first thing in the morning or like last

00:44:24.789 --> 00:44:26.389
thing at night, standing in the kitchen door

00:44:26.389 --> 00:44:28.710
and just end up talking for a couple of hours

00:44:28.710 --> 00:44:31.889
about some idea one of us has had or a thought

00:44:31.889 --> 00:44:33.820
that we've had that's come up. sort of feelings

00:44:33.820 --> 00:44:36.019
after play quite often yeah talking through there

00:44:36.019 --> 00:44:38.039
as well because it's not just the immediate aftermath

00:44:38.039 --> 00:44:40.300
yeah it's sometimes two three days later that

00:44:40.300 --> 00:44:41.920
you'll realize you've been processing some stuff

00:44:41.920 --> 00:44:44.300
from it and yeah and want to talk about it yeah

00:44:44.300 --> 00:44:46.099
definitely which is probably why it's a good

00:44:46.099 --> 00:44:47.900
thing we started a podcast because we need somewhere

00:44:47.900 --> 00:44:55.460
to put water true true set up a webcam in the

00:44:55.460 --> 00:44:57.059
kitchen just live streaming the kitchen doorway

00:44:57.059 --> 00:45:02.670
cranky oh no oh no No, because sometimes it ends

00:45:02.670 --> 00:45:04.210
up being an in -depth conversation about your

00:45:04.210 --> 00:45:07.730
tummy problems. No one needs that one on livestreamed

00:45:07.730 --> 00:45:13.989
on the internet. Wow. Wow. You're calling me

00:45:13.989 --> 00:45:19.130
out. Yeah. Shocking. Shocking. I can feel the

00:45:19.130 --> 00:45:25.500
new rule. Oh, no. Anyway. Focus. Focus. Yeah.

00:45:26.059 --> 00:45:28.400
So we do all of that kind of ongoing checking

00:45:28.400 --> 00:45:31.619
in all of the time. All of all of all of the

00:45:31.619 --> 00:45:33.260
time. We love to talk. But one of the things

00:45:33.260 --> 00:45:34.980
that we thought was really important around the

00:45:34.980 --> 00:45:36.719
time we came up with our contract was to set

00:45:36.719 --> 00:45:39.199
aside some time for a proper official checking

00:45:39.199 --> 00:45:41.800
with an agenda and everything. I do love an agenda.

00:45:41.940 --> 00:45:44.360
You do. Yeah, I do. Yeah. Proper, proper meeting

00:45:44.360 --> 00:45:46.840
and a little note and everything. Yeah, I'm slightly

00:45:46.840 --> 00:45:48.440
surprised we don't have a spreadsheet for it.

00:45:48.639 --> 00:45:54.059
Ooh. Nice. You would enjoy it. Yeah, I think

00:45:54.059 --> 00:45:55.500
we could come up with a spreadsheet for it. That'd

00:45:55.500 --> 00:45:58.500
be amazing. As long as I don't have to manage

00:45:58.500 --> 00:46:01.119
the input into the spreadsheet. New rule. Oh,

00:46:01.280 --> 00:46:04.460
no. Make you learn Excel. I'm already being forced

00:46:04.460 --> 00:46:07.500
to learn Excel. Consensual non -consent, but

00:46:07.500 --> 00:46:10.159
it's my work requiring me to learn Excel. Oh,

00:46:10.159 --> 00:46:12.539
no. It's not good. I want a safe word for that.

00:46:15.079 --> 00:46:18.099
But no, we put that into our dynamic. We put

00:46:18.099 --> 00:46:19.519
it into our contract, didn't we? Because we were

00:46:19.519 --> 00:46:24.519
talking about reviews. And like all good contracts,

00:46:24.639 --> 00:46:27.920
there is a review period at the end of the year.

00:46:28.019 --> 00:46:30.599
But I think especially with the increased level

00:46:30.599 --> 00:46:34.300
of control, increased number of rules, and I

00:46:34.300 --> 00:46:36.599
guess also just being more intentional about

00:46:36.599 --> 00:46:40.480
our kinky selves. It's a good time to just sit

00:46:40.480 --> 00:46:45.860
down and stop and just consciously. Yeah. You

00:46:45.860 --> 00:46:47.559
know, it sounds a little bit boring and formal,

00:46:47.599 --> 00:46:49.360
but follow a list and go, okay, these are the

00:46:49.360 --> 00:46:51.260
things that are important to us, so let's check

00:46:51.260 --> 00:46:53.699
in about them. And I definitely never find it

00:46:53.699 --> 00:46:56.039
boring or particularly formal, but I think even

00:46:56.039 --> 00:46:58.059
if I did, it would be worth doing because it

00:46:58.059 --> 00:47:01.260
stops that drift that happens in relationships.

00:47:01.719 --> 00:47:04.619
Yeah. It's like you wake up one day and you remember

00:47:04.619 --> 00:47:06.219
the person you were where you couldn't keep your

00:47:06.219 --> 00:47:07.739
hands off each other and you were going on dates

00:47:07.739 --> 00:47:10.179
multiple times a week and saying I love you at

00:47:10.179 --> 00:47:12.039
the end of every sentence and you wake up and...

00:47:12.280 --> 00:47:14.820
it's like you've got a roommate yeah no one wants

00:47:14.820 --> 00:47:16.659
that to happen but it's always a risk in every

00:47:16.659 --> 00:47:18.579
relationship and i think having that regular

00:47:18.579 --> 00:47:21.519
check -in yeah it's just a little safety feature

00:47:21.519 --> 00:47:23.619
where if any of that is starting to happen it

00:47:23.619 --> 00:47:25.739
catches you and goes we've taken our eye off

00:47:25.739 --> 00:47:28.039
the ball here like yeah we do i don't feel like

00:47:28.039 --> 00:47:29.659
that's ever been a major risk for us but we've

00:47:29.659 --> 00:47:31.179
had periods of time where we're playing a little

00:47:31.179 --> 00:47:33.619
bit less or getting into routines that maybe

00:47:33.619 --> 00:47:35.760
weren't the best for fostering intimacy and we

00:47:35.760 --> 00:47:38.210
spot it and we address it and i really like that

00:47:38.210 --> 00:47:41.309
yeah um and i think as well as with everything

00:47:41.309 --> 00:47:42.929
we've talked about communication is important

00:47:42.929 --> 00:47:44.570
for any relationship checking in is important

00:47:44.570 --> 00:47:46.989
for any relationship but when it comes to kink

00:47:46.989 --> 00:47:49.070
it's also got the added risks that come with

00:47:49.070 --> 00:47:51.610
it and those kind of proper formal check -ins

00:47:51.610 --> 00:47:55.050
yeah can highlight any areas where any part of

00:47:55.050 --> 00:47:57.429
this is potentially becoming dangerous and yeah

00:47:57.429 --> 00:48:01.380
figure out how we fix that yeah yeah So we recorded

00:48:01.380 --> 00:48:03.780
one. We did. We thought it would be fun to share

00:48:03.780 --> 00:48:05.260
that with the world. I mean, we're not sharing

00:48:05.260 --> 00:48:07.820
all of it. It was the best part of an hour. I

00:48:07.820 --> 00:48:10.780
was surprised how long it lasted. Yeah. We can

00:48:10.780 --> 00:48:15.599
talk. So yeah, we recorded our last check -in

00:48:15.599 --> 00:48:18.019
and we're going to go through, we'll take you

00:48:18.019 --> 00:48:22.219
through our formal agenda and share some clips

00:48:22.219 --> 00:48:25.099
from that. So the first thing that we usually

00:48:25.099 --> 00:48:28.760
talk about at our monthly check -in is about

00:48:28.760 --> 00:48:32.119
the rules. So we check in to see if either of

00:48:32.119 --> 00:48:34.179
us have thought about any new rules that we might

00:48:34.179 --> 00:48:37.300
want to introduce, any changes to any rules that

00:48:37.300 --> 00:48:40.139
we want to suggest for any reason. Sometimes

00:48:40.139 --> 00:48:45.519
we find that we write a rule and then we either

00:48:45.519 --> 00:48:47.840
work to it and it doesn't quite work out or we

00:48:47.840 --> 00:48:50.099
don't work to it because that's not how the world

00:48:50.099 --> 00:48:53.420
works or how our life works. um sometimes it's

00:48:53.420 --> 00:48:55.119
even just wording tweaks isn't it where the rule

00:48:55.119 --> 00:48:56.840
itself is fine but the way it's worded means

00:48:56.840 --> 00:48:58.559
it's either impossible to follow or impossible

00:48:58.559 --> 00:49:00.280
to enforce and we kind of look at that and go

00:49:00.280 --> 00:49:02.280
okay let's fix that yeah yeah but we've got a

00:49:02.280 --> 00:49:04.579
couple of clips from our last uh check -in where

00:49:04.579 --> 00:49:06.460
we're talking about the current set of rules

00:49:06.460 --> 00:49:20.460
yes let's have a listen to that god what was

00:49:20.460 --> 00:49:24.340
it that we were looking to update next was it

00:49:24.340 --> 00:49:27.659
um legs shaving your legs and eyebrows legs and

00:49:27.659 --> 00:49:30.639
eyebrows that was it those new things um so obviously

00:49:30.639 --> 00:49:33.739
about a week ago i'd like shave my legs for the

00:49:33.739 --> 00:49:36.039
first time we'd said if i like it and if you

00:49:36.039 --> 00:49:37.800
like it then i would maintain it and it become

00:49:37.800 --> 00:49:39.920
part of the rules um so as long as you're happy

00:49:39.920 --> 00:49:46.280
for that yeah yeah and we'll say um like we do

00:49:46.280 --> 00:49:51.760
with um Other kind of appearance things kind

00:49:51.760 --> 00:49:54.119
of just say as and when. Keep on top of it. Keep

00:49:54.119 --> 00:49:57.960
it maintained. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Rather than

00:49:57.960 --> 00:50:02.039
saying X number of times. Yeah. Per week. Yeah,

00:50:02.099 --> 00:50:04.780
I'm happy with that. Are you? I feel like there

00:50:04.780 --> 00:50:06.000
was another one as well, but I can't remember

00:50:06.000 --> 00:50:08.719
what it was. Eyebrows is the other one, but you've

00:50:08.719 --> 00:50:10.760
included that in there. Yeah, we should have

00:50:10.760 --> 00:50:14.400
written it down. We should. Okie doke. I can't

00:50:14.400 --> 00:50:16.320
think of any other. Has there been any other?

00:50:18.320 --> 00:50:21.039
My issues or anything around the rules? I don't

00:50:21.039 --> 00:50:23.340
think so, Mx. No, everything's felt pretty

00:50:23.340 --> 00:50:28.440
good. Done your usual brilliant job. Easy to

00:50:28.440 --> 00:50:33.400
manage. Yeah. In that way that you are. I like

00:50:33.400 --> 00:50:48.400
to behave. Such a good boy. Okie doke. And I

00:50:48.400 --> 00:50:50.860
really like that a lot of the time it is almost

00:50:50.860 --> 00:50:52.699
as brief as that. Like I barely cut that down

00:50:52.699 --> 00:50:55.099
because while rules now are so well developed,

00:50:55.219 --> 00:50:57.019
we're very rarely adding anything in. And if

00:50:57.019 --> 00:50:58.940
we are, we've already been talking about it over

00:50:58.940 --> 00:51:01.019
the months. So it is that just quickly checking,

00:51:01.119 --> 00:51:03.219
making sure we agree and in it goes. And then

00:51:03.219 --> 00:51:05.860
you do some fun admin work, updating. Yeah, I

00:51:05.860 --> 00:51:08.559
am. I am responsible for the rules admin. I update

00:51:08.559 --> 00:51:11.000
the rules and the contract and stuff like that.

00:51:11.039 --> 00:51:13.179
I quite like doing that. I thought you might.

00:51:13.280 --> 00:51:17.320
That does seem in your vibe. um so the next thing

00:51:17.320 --> 00:51:19.400
that we normally talk about is scenes that we

00:51:19.400 --> 00:51:21.619
have done over the month any kind of play we

00:51:21.619 --> 00:51:24.460
tend not to talk a lot about the more sort of

00:51:24.460 --> 00:51:28.219
short spontaneous things so rough kinky sex or

00:51:28.219 --> 00:51:30.300
a bit of a spanking on the couch doesn't tend

00:51:30.300 --> 00:51:32.900
to make the list but you usually keep track of

00:51:32.900 --> 00:51:34.519
any sort of planned scenes we've done so things

00:51:34.519 --> 00:51:36.019
that events things that are a little bit more

00:51:36.019 --> 00:51:39.139
involved um and then we talk through those at

00:51:39.139 --> 00:51:41.750
the check -in And a big thing it's useful for

00:51:41.750 --> 00:51:43.789
is tracking how frequently we're playing as well.

00:51:44.070 --> 00:51:45.789
Again, talking about that sort of relationship

00:51:45.789 --> 00:51:48.429
drift that happens. If you just gradually start

00:51:48.429 --> 00:51:50.210
playing less and less often, you might not notice

00:51:50.210 --> 00:51:51.650
it. But if you get to the end of the month and

00:51:51.650 --> 00:51:53.610
look at your list and there's nothing on there,

00:51:53.710 --> 00:51:55.510
then you're going to have a conversation about

00:51:55.510 --> 00:51:57.050
that and see if there's anything that needs to

00:51:57.050 --> 00:51:59.230
be looked at there or if it's just been a quiet

00:51:59.230 --> 00:52:02.010
month. This one where we had our check -in had

00:52:02.010 --> 00:52:03.309
been a little bit, but it hadn't been because

00:52:03.309 --> 00:52:05.269
of any problems. We just had lots of fun things

00:52:05.269 --> 00:52:07.449
going on and it seems we've done awesome. Let's

00:52:07.449 --> 00:52:22.260
hear a little bit about them. thank you didn't

00:52:22.260 --> 00:52:24.460
do many this month not loads but the ones we've

00:52:24.460 --> 00:52:26.440
done have been really good the only ones i have

00:52:26.440 --> 00:52:32.440
written are uh take all quiz the play bunch yes

00:52:32.440 --> 00:52:37.280
and two waterboarding Yeah. I think those are

00:52:37.280 --> 00:52:38.579
the only sort of proper scenes we've done. We've

00:52:38.579 --> 00:52:40.780
done a lot of other stuff, like stuff like last

00:52:40.780 --> 00:52:44.039
night where you tried on your dresses and I got

00:52:44.039 --> 00:52:45.739
to try on the plastic bags from the dresses.

00:52:46.159 --> 00:52:49.039
That was fun. But yeah, everything else we've

00:52:49.039 --> 00:52:51.860
done has been more just like spontaneous kinky

00:52:51.860 --> 00:52:56.420
sex stuff, not land scenes. That's okay. But

00:52:56.420 --> 00:52:58.139
yeah, the ones we've done have been really good.

00:52:58.219 --> 00:53:01.679
I think the Taylor Swift quiz that we did at

00:53:01.679 --> 00:53:05.960
the Playmunch was just such a... fun scene to

00:53:05.960 --> 00:53:08.400
do at an event like that like it seemed like

00:53:08.400 --> 00:53:10.619
we got quite a lot of people watching people

00:53:10.619 --> 00:53:15.300
really enjoyed it that was fun um and then we

00:53:15.300 --> 00:53:18.619
did waterboarding yes twice yes yes we did which

00:53:18.619 --> 00:53:20.940
was very very good yeah you seem to enjoy you

00:53:20.940 --> 00:53:22.960
seem to enjoy it i get a lot from that yeah it's

00:53:22.960 --> 00:53:27.500
really really fun at the time yeah it's such

00:53:27.500 --> 00:53:29.539
an instant turn on as well like obviously the

00:53:29.539 --> 00:53:32.420
second waterboarding scene we did where you were

00:53:32.420 --> 00:53:35.139
touching me as well you noticed that where you

00:53:35.139 --> 00:53:36.420
sort of touched me a little bit before we got

00:53:36.420 --> 00:53:38.800
started and then you poured water over my face

00:53:38.800 --> 00:53:42.300
like once or twice and then touched me again

00:53:42.300 --> 00:53:44.539
and i was immediately soaking wet and i don't

00:53:44.539 --> 00:53:46.280
think it was the water you've been pouring on

00:53:46.280 --> 00:53:49.199
me i think i was just that wet immediately yeah

00:53:49.199 --> 00:53:52.760
that's fair that's fair i mean that happened

00:53:52.760 --> 00:53:56.250
last night as well but like you know you know

00:53:56.250 --> 00:53:59.070
when i when i first went in it took a little

00:53:59.070 --> 00:54:01.610
bit of shoving and then i put the bag on your

00:54:01.610 --> 00:54:08.809
head it's like yeah breath play is a funny one

00:54:08.809 --> 00:54:11.829
for me where i'm not necessarily always getting

00:54:11.829 --> 00:54:13.909
consciously turned on by it i am by waterboarding

00:54:13.909 --> 00:54:16.230
that's kind of its own thing but when we do other

00:54:16.230 --> 00:54:18.329
breath play stuff i don't necessarily think this

00:54:18.329 --> 00:54:20.929
is super hot i'm really into this but my body

00:54:20.929 --> 00:54:26.599
obviously does yeah Perfect. I know we've talked

00:54:26.599 --> 00:54:29.119
about, I kind of had a lot of processing time

00:54:29.119 --> 00:54:32.179
and a bit of drops the second time, but is there

00:54:32.179 --> 00:54:34.400
much going on for you? Weirdly, I don't think

00:54:34.400 --> 00:54:37.400
so. It's not a bad thing. Not in terms of processing.

00:54:37.719 --> 00:54:40.360
I know when we've done psychological stuff or

00:54:40.360 --> 00:54:42.739
kind of CNC type stuff in the past, I've had

00:54:42.739 --> 00:54:45.800
to go and sit and stare at some flowers or something

00:54:45.800 --> 00:54:51.679
for a minute afterwards. So I don't know whether

00:54:51.679 --> 00:54:53.239
it's just getting more comfortable with that

00:54:53.239 --> 00:54:55.969
sort of thing. or whether that just doesn't hit

00:54:55.969 --> 00:54:59.409
me the same way that it does. I think waterboarding

00:54:59.409 --> 00:55:00.989
is obviously going to be more intense for me

00:55:00.989 --> 00:55:04.030
than it is for you. And I think both of the scenes

00:55:04.030 --> 00:55:05.469
we've done with it, although it's physically

00:55:05.469 --> 00:55:08.730
quite intense and it sort of dredges some stuff

00:55:08.730 --> 00:55:11.170
up psychologically for me, the actual headspace

00:55:11.170 --> 00:55:13.969
that we're in in the scene has been quite lighthearted.

00:55:14.170 --> 00:55:17.429
Yeah. Like, because we've been not wanting to

00:55:17.429 --> 00:55:19.659
combine too many elements and bring in... sort

00:55:19.659 --> 00:55:21.320
of things like degradation or you being really

00:55:21.320 --> 00:55:23.920
intimidating and nasty during the scene it has

00:55:23.920 --> 00:55:25.940
been between pause it's us just kind of checking

00:55:25.940 --> 00:55:27.760
in with each other and chatting and i get the

00:55:27.760 --> 00:55:30.119
giggles from it so yeah so i can see how that

00:55:30.119 --> 00:55:31.760
would maybe be less intense than some of the

00:55:31.760 --> 00:55:33.380
things we do where we're going into that sort

00:55:33.380 --> 00:55:36.719
of really kind of intense nasty headspace the

00:55:36.719 --> 00:55:38.579
intensity of waterboarding is about what you're

00:55:38.579 --> 00:55:41.539
doing to me not about how you're doing it yeah

00:55:41.539 --> 00:55:54.570
yeah no that makes sense One of the things I

00:55:54.570 --> 00:55:56.190
really like about that part of the agenda is

00:55:56.190 --> 00:55:58.650
that it gives us a chance to just reflect on

00:55:58.650 --> 00:56:01.590
all the fun stuff that we do. And even if, like

00:56:01.590 --> 00:56:03.550
in this check -in, we haven't done loads and

00:56:03.550 --> 00:56:06.750
loads of scenes, they were great. And it's fun

00:56:06.750 --> 00:56:09.929
to think about the Taylor Swift quiz and trying

00:56:09.929 --> 00:56:12.130
out waterboarding was really exciting and stuff

00:56:12.130 --> 00:56:16.030
like that. So it's nice to remind yourself that

00:56:16.030 --> 00:56:20.010
actually this is some fun stuff we did over that

00:56:20.010 --> 00:56:22.760
time. So the next thing we talk about in our

00:56:22.760 --> 00:56:24.679
check -in is planning scenes and setting some

00:56:24.679 --> 00:56:29.199
intentions for the month ahead. So we talk about

00:56:29.199 --> 00:56:32.059
specific ideas for different scenes and different

00:56:32.059 --> 00:56:34.400
types of play that we want to do. Over the next

00:56:34.400 --> 00:56:37.179
month, we have a bit of a running list of things

00:56:37.179 --> 00:56:39.460
that we either want to try or that we really

00:56:39.460 --> 00:56:42.139
enjoy doing. So we have a look at that. We add

00:56:42.139 --> 00:56:45.639
things to it. Usually involves you asking for

00:56:45.639 --> 00:56:49.539
more orgasms. It often does. More orgasms and

00:56:49.539 --> 00:56:52.460
more rape play. Yes, generally. Things I consistently

00:56:52.460 --> 00:56:57.079
ask for. Pretty consistent in those things. And

00:56:57.079 --> 00:56:58.940
you particularly enjoy saying, no, I think you're

00:56:58.940 --> 00:57:00.860
having too many orgasms. Too many. One a week

00:57:00.860 --> 00:57:08.590
is plenty. It's not. So, yeah, sometimes we'll

00:57:08.590 --> 00:57:10.769
talk about really specific scenes we want to

00:57:10.769 --> 00:57:12.289
do. Sometimes we'll just say, oh, yeah, it would

00:57:12.289 --> 00:57:14.010
be nice to do a little bit more of that this

00:57:14.010 --> 00:57:17.030
month. Yeah. And this is what we'll talk about

00:57:17.030 --> 00:57:30.909
in this clip. So then we had my amazing suggestion

00:57:30.909 --> 00:57:36.269
of 31 Days of Kink. Yes. Intended to just make

00:57:36.269 --> 00:57:39.679
sure we do stuff. Yeah. But also to try and be

00:57:39.679 --> 00:57:42.980
a bit more intentional. Yeah. So are there any,

00:57:43.059 --> 00:57:48.039
so we can add whipping? Yeah. Whipping. Is there

00:57:48.039 --> 00:57:49.619
anything else in particular that you want to

00:57:49.619 --> 00:57:52.619
add to the 31 Days of Kink? Rape play, Mx.

00:57:53.119 --> 00:57:56.159
Obviously. Obviously. I'm just thinking of some

00:57:56.159 --> 00:57:58.480
things that I might want to specifically do.

00:57:58.599 --> 00:58:02.099
And it doesn't need, as I said, when we talked

00:58:02.099 --> 00:58:03.340
about it, it doesn't need to be like we need

00:58:03.340 --> 00:58:05.909
to do something. Big, massive scene every night.

00:58:05.989 --> 00:58:07.289
It might just be that we're just chilling on

00:58:07.289 --> 00:58:10.489
the sofa, but you are. In the dog crate. We haven't

00:58:10.489 --> 00:58:12.469
used the dog crate yet. That needs to go on the

00:58:12.469 --> 00:58:14.110
list. Let's put the dog crate on the list. You

00:58:14.110 --> 00:58:16.829
said about furniture as well, didn't you? Yes.

00:58:17.369 --> 00:58:22.849
human Furniture. Yes. We've also got the gags

00:58:22.849 --> 00:58:24.969
that I got you for your birthday. I'm thinking

00:58:24.969 --> 00:58:28.329
especially the ashtray gag. Oh, yes. Having me

00:58:28.329 --> 00:58:30.670
sitting wearing the ashtray gag and using me

00:58:30.670 --> 00:58:35.340
as an ashtray. Yes. and more like burns in general

00:58:35.340 --> 00:58:38.320
like we haven't we haven't done any new cigarette

00:58:38.320 --> 00:58:40.420
burns on me for a good while and are you aiming

00:58:40.420 --> 00:58:44.119
to have 31 different kinks Mx or is it more

00:58:44.119 --> 00:58:46.420
just every every day for 31 days we're doing

00:58:46.420 --> 00:58:49.019
something kinky so you could have three days

00:58:49.019 --> 00:58:51.519
in a row where you use me as furniture for example

00:58:51.519 --> 00:58:54.019
yeah i don't i don't think i was necessarily

00:58:54.019 --> 00:58:57.420
thinking 31 different things over the course

00:58:57.420 --> 00:58:58.840
of the month and there are going to be times

00:58:58.840 --> 00:59:01.519
when we just want to sit on the sofa and actually

00:59:01.519 --> 00:59:03.900
just having you chained up yeah is the thing

00:59:03.900 --> 00:59:07.519
um but also want to make sure that we can you

00:59:07.519 --> 00:59:09.079
know kind of at least a couple of times a week

00:59:09.079 --> 00:59:11.480
to do something that isn't it can i add over

00:59:11.480 --> 00:59:15.159
the knee spanking to the list yes it does such

00:59:15.159 --> 00:59:17.699
a good brain off for me which is so strange because

00:59:17.699 --> 00:59:20.900
of all of the things that we do i mean i know

00:59:20.900 --> 00:59:23.119
i can you've said i kind of spank pretty hard

00:59:23.119 --> 00:59:26.300
you do you spank extremely hard yes but like

00:59:26.300 --> 00:59:28.539
of all of the things that we do that's probably

00:59:30.250 --> 00:59:32.809
The most normal. The most normal kink thing we

00:59:32.809 --> 00:59:35.710
do. Yeah. I couldn't think of what it was because

00:59:35.710 --> 00:59:40.510
it's not vanilla. Because it's not. But it's

00:59:40.510 --> 00:59:42.329
kind of entry -level kink. Yeah. It's the kind

00:59:42.329 --> 00:59:43.949
of thing that pretty much anyone who has any

00:59:43.949 --> 00:59:46.989
interest in submitting or trying masochism has

00:59:46.989 --> 00:59:50.349
probably been spanked. Yeah. If somebody asks,

00:59:50.530 --> 00:59:53.570
you know, interested in exploring some kinks,

00:59:53.650 --> 00:59:56.150
the first thing you would say, have you tried

00:59:56.150 --> 01:00:01.900
spanking your partner? Yeah. Give it a go. But

01:00:01.900 --> 01:00:04.639
I wasn't thinking that we would make a point

01:00:04.639 --> 01:00:06.800
of doing 31 completely different things every

01:00:06.800 --> 01:00:09.219
day, but also not just doing the same thing.

01:00:09.280 --> 01:00:12.179
Yeah. I'll get your chain to the coffee table.

01:00:12.219 --> 01:00:14.800
That's the kink for today. No, that's kind of

01:00:14.800 --> 01:00:17.420
not the point. Yeah. It's to keep us creative.

01:00:28.339 --> 01:00:30.340
And one of the things that we obviously mentioned

01:00:30.340 --> 01:00:32.239
in that clip was the 31 Days of Kink challenge,

01:00:32.360 --> 01:00:34.480
which we are now well into, a couple of weeks

01:00:34.480 --> 01:00:37.179
into at the point of recording. And that has

01:00:37.179 --> 01:00:39.039
been so much fun. And I think we've got a whole

01:00:39.039 --> 01:00:40.699
episode in that at some point. Yes, definitely.

01:00:40.940 --> 01:00:43.900
Because it is such a fun challenge to, even when

01:00:43.900 --> 01:00:45.659
we're a little bit tired, a little bit busy,

01:00:45.739 --> 01:00:47.219
it's like we're setting aside five minutes for

01:00:47.219 --> 01:00:49.659
something here. We're doing something, even if

01:00:49.659 --> 01:00:51.739
it is just putting me in the dog crate for a

01:00:51.739 --> 01:00:54.039
bit, which has been a big hit. Yes. That was

01:00:54.039 --> 01:00:57.059
a good idea. Yeah, yeah. It's been a really nice

01:00:57.059 --> 01:00:59.400
thing to do and to think about and kind of try

01:00:59.400 --> 01:01:01.360
and be a little bit more intentional and a bit

01:01:01.360 --> 01:01:05.090
more creative. with the things that we do. And

01:01:05.090 --> 01:01:08.190
the final main point of the agenda, we always

01:01:08.190 --> 01:01:09.849
end up having a long waffle afterwards about

01:01:09.849 --> 01:01:11.929
how great our relationship is. But the actual

01:01:11.929 --> 01:01:16.809
last agenda point is events. We talk about any

01:01:16.809 --> 01:01:19.289
upcoming play events, any classes that we're

01:01:19.289 --> 01:01:21.829
going to be going to and any munches. And we'll

01:01:21.829 --> 01:01:23.829
sometimes talk through our specific play plans

01:01:23.829 --> 01:01:25.530
for those, maybe outfits that we're thinking

01:01:25.530 --> 01:01:27.170
about wearing, especially if it's something with

01:01:27.170 --> 01:01:29.269
a theme. And sometimes the really boring practical

01:01:29.269 --> 01:01:31.590
stuff like travel arrangements. try to get around

01:01:31.590 --> 01:01:33.170
the country a little bit for events. And sometimes

01:01:33.170 --> 01:01:35.650
we need to figure out whether we're booking a

01:01:35.650 --> 01:01:38.489
hotel or an Airbnb. Yeah. So here is a little

01:01:38.489 --> 01:01:40.550
clip talking about our plans for the coming month.

01:01:50.809 --> 01:01:53.829
So we've got, we've got some stuff planned. We've

01:01:53.829 --> 01:01:56.210
got Northern Exposure. We've got Euphoria. Yes.

01:01:56.389 --> 01:02:00.780
Possibly camping. i'm really looking forward

01:02:00.780 --> 01:02:03.219
to northern exposure like i've i've liked the

01:02:03.219 --> 01:02:06.099
idea of like a gender inclusive clothes top naked

01:02:06.099 --> 01:02:08.199
bottom event for ages and the fact that we now

01:02:08.199 --> 01:02:10.760
have one locally is very exciting because i just

01:02:10.760 --> 01:02:15.300
love to be naked yeah yeah yeah did you have

01:02:15.300 --> 01:02:17.219
any more thoughts about play plans for that one

01:02:17.219 --> 01:02:22.519
Mx i did but then quest came along yeah because

01:02:22.519 --> 01:02:24.280
we talked about it's been a while since we've

01:02:24.280 --> 01:02:26.519
done like a properly properly big beating yeah

01:02:26.519 --> 01:02:28.920
you know Don't do a lot of that here in the last

01:02:28.920 --> 01:02:32.119
time we were at the play, which we did. The Taylor

01:02:32.119 --> 01:02:35.679
Swift one. Yes. Which was not a little beating.

01:02:35.860 --> 01:02:37.940
No, it was still a pretty big beating. I had

01:02:37.940 --> 01:02:40.260
some bruises, which takes some doing. I had a

01:02:40.260 --> 01:02:43.019
bruised butthole from that. The actual hole.

01:02:43.159 --> 01:02:44.860
I always get bruises in my butt crack, but I

01:02:44.860 --> 01:02:47.860
had a purple butthole. I've never seen that before

01:02:47.860 --> 01:03:00.739
in my life. So, yeah, so there's a few events

01:03:00.739 --> 01:03:03.239
that we were talking about there, including a

01:03:03.239 --> 01:03:05.460
brand new one that we'd never worked brand first

01:03:05.460 --> 01:03:07.739
time it had ever been run. Yeah. Was one of them.

01:03:07.760 --> 01:03:10.119
And that was that was very exciting to to attend.

01:03:10.199 --> 01:03:12.360
It was a good event. We enjoyed that. That was,

01:03:12.420 --> 01:03:14.960
of course, Northern Exposure. Yes. Very, very

01:03:14.960 --> 01:03:18.179
fun. Nice, easy outfit planning for that one.

01:03:18.460 --> 01:03:23.960
Yeah. Dead easy. Yeah. That's how our check in

01:03:23.960 --> 01:03:26.480
every month work. We've been doing them for.

01:03:26.969 --> 01:03:28.929
Good wire now. About a year. About coming up

01:03:28.929 --> 01:03:30.349
on a year now. Yeah. We'll have to renew the

01:03:30.349 --> 01:03:32.170
contract soon. And I think it's been a really

01:03:32.170 --> 01:03:36.230
helpful, it has been a really helpful thing for

01:03:36.230 --> 01:03:39.789
us to do. I think it's helped us when we were

01:03:39.789 --> 01:03:42.510
going through that period of kind of adding more

01:03:42.510 --> 01:03:44.469
rules and having to check on them more frequently

01:03:44.469 --> 01:03:48.469
than maybe we are now. Yeah. So it gave us that

01:03:48.469 --> 01:03:50.849
point at which we could kind of go, okay, let's

01:03:50.849 --> 01:03:52.690
change these rules. Here's a new set of rules.

01:03:53.070 --> 01:03:56.530
Kind of give you that structure. helps you and

01:03:56.530 --> 01:04:00.369
it helps me to keep track of it um and it's just

01:04:00.369 --> 01:04:04.190
it we keep saying it we've been saying it for

01:04:04.190 --> 01:04:07.829
an hour and a half now that kind of opportunity

01:04:07.829 --> 01:04:10.530
just to talk to each other about the relationship

01:04:10.530 --> 01:04:15.090
and about the stuff that we do is just really

01:04:15.090 --> 01:04:18.309
really important because it forces you to think

01:04:18.309 --> 01:04:22.250
about it and it's dead easy not to yeah And I

01:04:22.250 --> 01:04:24.110
think that's kind of spread beyond the check

01:04:24.110 --> 01:04:25.630
-in. I think we've always been good at communicating,

01:04:25.630 --> 01:04:28.809
but that kind of intentionally thinking about

01:04:28.809 --> 01:04:31.769
stuff that's happening, I just think is incredibly

01:04:31.769 --> 01:04:36.530
powerful for us. And I think, you know, people

01:04:36.530 --> 01:04:42.449
in any type of relationship could probably benefit

01:04:42.449 --> 01:04:45.030
from that. It doesn't have to be a kinky relationship.

01:04:45.130 --> 01:04:46.769
It doesn't have to be a check -in about all of

01:04:46.769 --> 01:04:49.769
the unhinged kinky shit we've done or all the...

01:04:50.079 --> 01:04:52.860
six pages of rules or however many it is you

01:04:52.860 --> 01:04:57.239
know yeah it's about the stuff that forms the

01:04:57.239 --> 01:04:59.860
structure of our relationship and whatever forms

01:04:59.860 --> 01:05:01.860
the structure of any relationship is worth being

01:05:01.860 --> 01:05:04.579
intentional about yeah so that could be talking

01:05:04.579 --> 01:05:07.639
about how intimacy is going it could be talking

01:05:07.639 --> 01:05:10.400
about how overall communication is feeling it

01:05:10.400 --> 01:05:12.480
could be talking about plans you've got for the

01:05:12.480 --> 01:05:14.800
the quality time you spend together because we

01:05:14.800 --> 01:05:16.400
go on a lot of adventures that aren't kink related

01:05:16.400 --> 01:05:18.739
as well but a lot of our sort of planned in advance

01:05:18.739 --> 01:05:21.280
social events are kinky events so it makes sense

01:05:21.280 --> 01:05:22.920
for that to be what comes up in our check -in

01:05:22.920 --> 01:05:27.469
yeah um but i think having that time to look

01:05:27.469 --> 01:05:28.869
at the month that's just happened and the month

01:05:28.869 --> 01:05:30.710
that's coming up and make sure your relationship

01:05:30.710 --> 01:05:33.329
is still right there in the focus yeah is important

01:05:33.329 --> 01:05:36.030
because like you say it's it's the stuff that

01:05:36.030 --> 01:05:38.690
starts to slip out of your conscious mind at

01:05:38.690 --> 01:05:41.929
times yeah and becomes less of a priority over

01:05:41.929 --> 01:05:44.010
a long -term relationship sometimes because you

01:05:44.010 --> 01:05:46.170
take it for granted yeah and not because you

01:05:46.170 --> 01:05:47.769
don't love and appreciate your partner but because

01:05:47.769 --> 01:05:49.469
that's just how humans are when something is

01:05:49.469 --> 01:05:51.250
normal and it's routine and it's always there

01:05:51.250 --> 01:05:54.179
yeah you do that yeah yeah and it provides an

01:05:54.179 --> 01:05:56.739
opportunity as well to talk about you know it

01:05:56.739 --> 01:05:58.719
doesn't doesn't often happen to us but it's also

01:05:58.719 --> 01:06:00.980
an opportunity to kind of make sure that you

01:06:00.980 --> 01:06:03.260
are checking in about that as well yeah and if

01:06:03.260 --> 01:06:05.019
there is anything that's bothering if there are

01:06:05.019 --> 01:06:07.940
issues that you haven't talked about it gives

01:06:07.940 --> 01:06:11.559
you the opportunity to do it and again you could

01:06:11.559 --> 01:06:14.000
apply that to any type of situation in any type

01:06:14.000 --> 01:06:17.460
of relationship it's like if if once a month

01:06:17.460 --> 01:06:19.099
you sat down with your partner and said, will

01:06:19.099 --> 01:06:21.260
you pick up the fucking towels off the bathroom

01:06:21.260 --> 01:06:26.159
floor? Maybe relationships would be better. Yeah.

01:06:27.400 --> 01:06:30.460
You know? And I think that the main thing that...

01:06:30.670 --> 01:06:32.489
kink has helped to teach me and i think it's

01:06:32.489 --> 01:06:34.070
important to say that i don't think kinky people

01:06:34.070 --> 01:06:36.670
are inherently better communicators i think kink

01:06:36.670 --> 01:06:39.510
gives people an opportunity to learn better communication

01:06:39.510 --> 01:06:41.730
skills because it kind of pushes you to do it

01:06:41.730 --> 01:06:43.409
and the consequences for not doing it are worse

01:06:43.409 --> 01:06:45.570
so people who seize that opportunity tend to

01:06:45.570 --> 01:06:47.269
become better communicators but there will always

01:06:47.269 --> 01:06:49.329
be people who don't and there are non -kinky

01:06:49.329 --> 01:06:51.289
people who are incredibly good communicators

01:06:51.289 --> 01:06:54.869
who i learn a lot from um but kink has particularly

01:06:54.869 --> 01:06:57.809
helped me to become a better communicator in

01:06:57.809 --> 01:07:00.469
relationships because I realised very early on

01:07:00.469 --> 01:07:02.969
that it was going to be what protected my safety,

01:07:03.170 --> 01:07:06.590
what protected my sanity at times, what helped

01:07:06.590 --> 01:07:08.449
me to navigate some really complicated stuff

01:07:08.449 --> 01:07:12.070
around changing how consent worked and how physical

01:07:12.070 --> 01:07:16.070
intimacy and touch worked, how just, you know,

01:07:16.070 --> 01:07:19.519
love languages work and how... the tone of someone's

01:07:19.519 --> 01:07:21.940
voice is different. So much is so different in

01:07:21.940 --> 01:07:24.039
a kinky relationship that I realized I had to

01:07:24.039 --> 01:07:26.559
get better at navigating it for that to work

01:07:26.559 --> 01:07:29.219
for me. And that has massively benefited me.

01:07:29.280 --> 01:07:32.159
It's benefited us. And I think it's really helped

01:07:32.159 --> 01:07:34.320
me to learn that in a relationship, people really

01:07:34.320 --> 01:07:37.760
need to be a team. It's me and you versus whatever

01:07:37.760 --> 01:07:39.960
life throws at us. It's never me versus you.

01:07:40.179 --> 01:07:42.420
And that's something that I had heard before

01:07:42.420 --> 01:07:44.199
and kind of knew in theory, but didn't really

01:07:44.199 --> 01:07:46.260
learn to put into practice until I got into kinky

01:07:46.260 --> 01:07:49.539
relationships and realized. how quickly something

01:07:49.539 --> 01:07:52.420
this complex and fragile falls apart when you

01:07:52.420 --> 01:07:54.440
start fighting the person in it yeah and how

01:07:54.440 --> 01:07:57.320
important it is not to do that yeah i think it

01:07:57.320 --> 01:07:59.559
really we really proactively prevent problems

01:07:59.559 --> 01:08:02.099
as well and the communication we have banging

01:08:02.099 --> 01:08:04.719
on about it again communication is the yeah yeah

01:08:04.719 --> 01:08:08.880
it's funny that's that should almost be the title

01:08:08.880 --> 01:08:12.159
of the episode maybe it will be maybe when i

01:08:12.159 --> 01:08:13.719
listen to it back i'll pick out something really

01:08:13.719 --> 01:08:18.279
random yes maybe so maybe so Well, there you

01:08:18.279 --> 01:08:21.920
go. I think we are done. I believe we are, yes,

01:08:21.920 --> 01:08:38.720
Mix. Thanks for listening to this week's episode

01:08:38.720 --> 01:08:41.159
of Don't Scare the Newbies. You can support us

01:08:41.159 --> 01:08:43.579
on Patreon for bonus content and head to kirizal

01:08:43.579 --> 01:08:46.079
.com for my blog and links to everywhere else

01:08:46.079 --> 01:08:48.510
that you can follow me. See you next time.