Welcome to Don't Scare the Newbies, a podcast
where we talk kink, raw and unfiltered. I'm Kiri
zal, a lifestyle submissive in a 24 -7 dynamic
who likes their kink heavy, intense and scary.
And I'm S, Kirizal’s dominant, who knows how
to deliver all of the above. And today we're
going to be talking about how important it is
to communicate in DS. We talk about communication
in every single episode and that will never stop.
So today we're going to really focus on that.
Should be good. I thought today we would chat
a little bit about communication, seeing as that's
something that we are very good at. You would
always know that with some of the fnfnfn eurgh
on the podcast, but I would say that we are both
very good communicators. When we don't have a
microphone pointed at us, we are excellent communicators.
And we're getting there with microphones. It
just takes us a minute to warm up. That is true.
That is true. but communication specifically
in ds and kinky power exchange relationships
yes um because it is very very important to get
right i think it's a it's a general relationship
skill communication is the key to pretty much
anything that can go wrong or right in a relationship
yep and you just think about all of the um silly
reality tvs tv shows that we watch and we sit
there for like nine out of ten episodes saying
to each other have they not talked about this
before have they not had a conversation About
this wildly important thing that they're now
arguing about on Netflix. I know, yeah. We watch
too much trashy reality TV, to be fair. But it
does make us feel really good about our relationship.
We feel really smug. That's probably why we do
it. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Never be us. But it's something
that you see not just in reality TV, where you're
definitely seeing the worst of communication
skills, but often... talking to friends they'll
talk about a problem they're having in a relationship
and the the solution is literally sit down have
a conversation about it but i think people often
have that barrier up if i talk to my partner
it makes the problem more real or what if they
react badly or yeah and not even just talking
about problems i think it's very hard to express
emotion sometimes and ask for things that you
want and yeah That was a huge problem in a lot
of my relationships before I figured out I was
kinky. Part of it was that shame where I wasn't
wanting to acknowledge what I needed, so I wasn't
getting what I needed. But also because I got
that wall up, I wasn't talking about anything
else that I needed, even non -kink related stuff,
you know, other stuff that could have really
improved intimacy and communication and how we
sort of compromised and balanced our lives together.
I think communication is something that everyone
needs to work on a little more. But in kink,
it's a bigger deal. Yeah, I would agree. I think
it really helps with managing conflict. Something
that always sticks in my head is when we'd been
dating for, I don't know, two or three months
and we were spending a lot of time together.
It was just before I moved in and I was already
practically living here. You mentioned that you
were surprised we hadn't had a big fight yet.
And I was like, but that's not mandatory. You
know, that's not a thing that has to happen in
relationships. But I think it's so common that
it is very normalised and you expect it to happen.
yeah i think so it's the general view isn't it
that couples argue all the time yeah and it's
like well that's just silly isn't it and you
know kind of that view that marriages or relationships
or couples it's it's hard work yeah and you're
like yeah but it doesn't feel like it does it
it shouldn't it shouldn't yeah do you know what
yeah like if it feels like hard work then maybe
you need to talk about that and work out why
that is because it is is the difference between
effort and hard work yes i think is the is the
key yeah i think it's something as well about
i don't know i guess especially especially but
not exclusively for men is that you just don't
talk about that stuff you kind of go it's fine
yeah and get on with your life and don't really
think about it and then over time it kind of
builds up and that's not unique to men but i
think kind of generally people who've been socialized
as male don't have that openness yeah There's
a lot of social expectation for men not to really
talk about their emotions with their partner
or their friends. And who does that really leave
you? Yeah. It's not a good position to be in.
Yeah. And then I think the sort of the flip side
of that is that women are very encouraged to
have kind of girl talk and offload a lot of relationship
problems on their friends, which can be a really
good pressure release, but sometimes diverts
away from talking about it in the relationship,
which is where the actual the fix is. Yeah. Yeah,
that's a fair point. Sometimes healthy to go
and have that vent, you know, rather than offloading
on your partner if you're really mad at them.
Like, take a minute to tell someone else first.
Yeah, yeah. But to actually resolve the problem,
you've got to talk to the person that it's with.
That is true. And I'm a big believer that conflict,
or at least arguments and fights, can be prevented.
And that doesn't mean that your relationships
fail if you have one. I think, you know, none
of us are perfect. Conflict can be something
that's done in a really healthy and open and
mutually respectful way. and working together
to solve the problem instead of against each
other. And I think that's something that we do
really well. I think so. I think it's a big part
of the back for us. So I think we can say that
we definitely agree communication is important.
When it comes to kink, I would say it's even
more important. And there's a few reasons why
that is. A big one is obviously the level of
risk that comes with all kink. A lot of kinks
involve some level of either physical or psychological
risk. And the only way to manage that effectively
is to have really good communication with each
other while you're doing it. Sort of just doing
things spontaneously with no communication is
where those mistakes start to happen. And of
course, the way that consent works in kink can
sometimes be a little bit more complex as well.
And that's not to say that consent is not complicated
and worthy of a lot of communication in any relationship
to make sure that everyone really understands
each other and is on the same page. But because
kink can make it a little bit more modifiable
and do some unusual sort of things with it, I
think that's where the need for a deeper level
of communication sometimes comes from. Yeah,
I think you would agree. I think one of the really
interesting conversations we've had recently
is... the underlying ethos of of consent in kinky
relationships versus in non -kinky relationships
yeah it's like in traditional relationships non
-kinky relationships vanilla sex or whatever
you want however you want to describe it it's
almost as if the the underlying principle of
it is everything's on the table unless you say
no yeah whereas in kink that's often flipped
on its head yeah to say nothing is on the table
and set unless you say yes and there's depending
on the type of kink relationship you're having
depending on the type of play that you're doing
i suppose there are variations within that but
i think it's a really good way to kind of think
about how we approach kinky play and ds dynamics
and relationships and things like that is actually
really really carefully considered really closely
deeply discussed and thought through in a way
that it just isn't typically in in traditional
kind of sexual relationships which is when you
say it out loud it just seems bizarre yeah and
i do think things are improving the people that
i talk to who are not kinky or not as kinky it
seems like those kind of conversations more nuanced
conversations about consent are starting to happen
a lot more yeah it's starting to be something
people are educated on younger where when i was
a teenager i don't remember ever hearing anyone
have a beyond like oh make sure you say no to
the boys kind of yeah that was about it but talking
about once you're ready to say yes the fact that
it's not it's not that binary like the idea of
sort of actually sitting down having a conversation
with someone before sex or before dating or before
any kind of physical intimacy saying these are
the things i want to do and these are the things
i don't yeah it was almost seen as a thing that
would just kind of happen once you open the box
and that's that's not how it should be i think
that's starting to be discussed a little more.
But I do think that opt -out consent does have
its place, as long as that's being talked about
as well. Saying sort of, these are the limits
I have, anything else, surprise me. If that's
negotiated, it's fine. But not even opting into
the opt -out consent is where it can get a bit
murky. Yeah, and again, I suppose that's a whole
other really big conversation, isn't it, about
the way that consent works in our relationship
is probably a little bit different to what you
might read. about in terms of consent and how
that works in kink relationships because of the
total power exchange type of dynamic that we
have yeah absolutely because the thing about
kink in general not just the consent that it
uses but how it works as a whole is it so customizable
you you kind of create your own structure your
own rules your own way of doing things that suits
everyone involved in it and what we have done
is the longer we've been together the more that
how consent works and how negotiation works to
a large extent has shifted yeah and that's been
very conscious and very intentional and As we
will continue to bang on about in this episode,
very full of communication. Lots and lots of
communication because that's how you do it. When
you start breaking the rules and writing your
own, you have to. Yeah, exactly. And so as you'd
expect, I suppose, when you're thinking about
that opt -in model of consent where nothing's
on the table unless you say it is, various kinky
people or groups of kinky people have come up
with some different models for thinking about
how you work through communicating, negotiating
and consenting to. kinky activity we're not going
to go into loads of detail about these but the
the first one and probably the oldest one i believe
is safe sane and consensual ssc um which i think
i think the words probably speak for themselves
as an idea you know actively and consciously
making sure that the play that you do is safe
making sure that it is um sane is a really weird
word yeah for it um You can see its age. Yeah,
yeah, I think so. But the intention is good.
Yeah, and consensual. Obviously, kind of everybody
is enthusiastically consenting to what is about
to happen. And the word sane in it, like it's
definitely, I think, not what would be chosen
now if someone was coming up with that phrase.
But the idea behind it is that everyone is. has
the ability to consent to what's going on and
is clear -headed in the moment so that is things
like free of um you know things like alcohol
and drugs for example not under the influence
um not in a state of high stress or crisis where
you you might your judgment might be a little
screwy um not someone who actually lacks capacity
to consent you know actually having the ability
in that moment to understand what you're consenting
to is a good principle yeah Yeah, no, you're
right. You're right. And I think as kind of kink
has evolved over the many decades, the rising
popularity of edge play and more kind of extreme
types of kink, those first two words aren't particularly
helpful. They can be a little subjective. Yeah,
you know, safe is a subjective word. Sane is
a subjective word. And actually, and this applies
to our relationship as well, there are people
doing absolutely unhinged kinky things which
are not safe. Yeah. They're doing it in the safest
way possible. They're doing it really clear -headedly
and in an informed way. But fundamentally, blood
play isn't a safe thing to do. No. Bagging isn't
a safe thing to do. It isn't. There is all sorts
of stuff that people do which isn't. So I think
that kind of led people to connect the other
model, which is RACK, Risk Aware Consensual Kink.
And that's my personal favourite. It's mine as
well, because I think it's the most kind of...
open approach to it yeah you know you would expect
the word consensual to be in there because that's
still really important no matter what you're
doing but actually that relies on well it requires
everybody who's doing something kinky to be aware
of what they're doing and be aware of the risks
of it and to take action to mitigate those risks
as much as they can yeah Yeah, I really like
that one for that reason, because even the things
that would probably be considered safe by a lot
of people have risk. I'm just saying, well, it's
safe. We tick the box. It doesn't actually necessarily
protect you. I read something a while ago about
someone ending up with like a serious blood clot
from being spanked, for example. And we've talked
about this before. Spanking is like it's entry
level kink. You would think of it being one of
the safest things possible. And those risks are
incredibly vanishingly rare. I don't have that
sort of rattling around in my head as a worry
when I get spanked. But it is good to know about
it because then if I started developing symptoms
after it, I would know what was happening. Yeah.
And we get checked. Being aware of the risks
that come with things is really important. And
then right up at the other end of the scale from
spanking, we learned quite a lot about waterboarding
recently. We recently started doing it. We went
to a four hour workshop on that. And the first
three hours at least was all about the risks.
Yeah. Which is exactly how it should be, because
I went into that knowing it was high risk play,
knowing there was a risk of drowning from it,
from aspirating water. But I didn't know half
the things that came up. there were potential
risks you know spending a chunk of time talking
about like brain infections that you can get
from contaminated water never in a million years would
have considered that as something to be conscious
of and that's why that level of education is
so important as you get more advanced in kink
is so you can be truly risk aware and make an
informed decision on what you're doing yeah there's
a couple of other models as well so the wonderfully
named prick i do love the name of that that is
a good one uh personally responsible informed
and consensual kink yeah um really i think that
there is more of an emphasis on everybody involved
taking responsibility for their own education
and their own risk management um which i think
is a really good a really good thing to think
about we talked a little bit about that in a
previous episode where i i was kind of saying
i'm always in awe at your level of knowledge
as a as a bottom yeah and actually you you make
a point of being at least as if not more informed
as the person on the top because that's how you
feel safe that's how you ensure safety i'm definitely
big on taking responsibility for my own safety
because ultimately the only person who is really
responsible for my life is me i need to take
care of myself um i think i i do like it as a
as a model but i think i have seen it sort of
misused or turned against people at times where
particularly if someone new has gone into something
untrusted and more experienced partners word
that it is safe or that the risks are being managed
well and then something's gone wrong is people
sort of turning it against them saying well you
haven't taken personal responsibility you should
have done more research right it's like yeah
they should but But they didn't. And let's work
with where we're at, because the person who had
the higher burden of responsibility there, I
would say, is the person who had more experience
and should have known better. But I don't think
that's necessarily a failure of the model. I
think all of these models can be misused to sort
of bludgeon people and say you're doing things
wrong if someone's so inclined. Yes. And I think
that's, I was going to say that earlier on and
probably should have done, you know, you could
probably listen to 10 different podcasts talking
about exactly the same. risk management and consent
models in kink and have 10 very different conversations
about it and people get big mad if you if you
criticize their chosen acronym yeah i've seen
people have massive arguments about oh yes ssc
versus rack and you just think you are missing
the point of kink if that's If that's your focus.
Anyway. Maybe that kink is arguing about semantics.
That is, yeah. In that case, it would be really
hot. Yeah, that kink is smug superiority. Yeah.
Oh, there's one more. And the last. one uh that
we're going to mention is again another really
well -named one fries which i i feel like is
a fairly new one i i've done before i think fairly
new and it's also this one unlike the others
isn't kink specific which is why it doesn't have
the word kink in it anyway it is more just a
way of thinking about consent a little bit more
in depth and a bit more broadly yeah so it's
fries f -r -i -e -s and it stands for freely
given reversible Enthusiastic and specific. Yes.
Did I get that right? You did. Yes, Mx. Excellent.
I did a blog post about it recently. And even
though I know that acronym really well, I had
to Google it beforehand to make sure I hadn't
got it wrong because it's a long one and it's
so easy to get sort of scrambled. That is true.
That's a really good blog post available on kirizal
.com. Thank you for the promo. It's called Waffles
and Fries, which entertains me. But you're right,
that is a model of consent more broadly, isn't
it? It doesn't have a specific application to
kink, but it is a really good way of thinking.
It's a really nice way of thinking about consent.
And, you know, I don't know the state of sex
education in schools these days, but that sort
of model, I would hope, is being used because
they're really important elements to think about.
I guess for us, applying that to a kink context.
doesn't necessarily work or if if not just us
specifically but if you are in a if you're interested
in total power exchange as part of your dynamic
if you're interested in consensual non -consent
type play that starts to push against some of
the things yeah in that and i don't think you
even have to go that far to start to bump up
against it i think if you are if you are a masochist
of the type who likes suffering not just experiences
pain as pleasure but actually likes to have a
bad time to some degree Even if you're not getting
into consensual non -consent, you're not necessarily
in any kind of power dynamic at all. Your consent
might not always feel very enthusiastic. That's
sometimes going to be something that you want
to push at. I think FRIES is a really good foundation
model of consent. If you are teaching consent
to young people, if you're teaching consent to
people who are relatively inexperienced, if people
are just getting started in kink and wanting
to experience it. at sort of quite a light level
as an introduction. I think fries is a really
good starting point. What I think is important
is to not feel boxed in by it and that if the
way that consent works best and feels best for
you involves bending or breaking some of those
rules with communication, as we will continue
to bang on about, with consent from the other
person or people involved as well, you know,
like you might be cool with having a miserable
suffering time, but they might not want their
partners to be in that state. Yeah, yeah. And
talking about how you modify it in a way that
feels safe and supported and comfortable or comfortable
with the uncomfortable elements of it, I guess.
Then I think it's okay to branch beyond that.
And obviously I think it's okay to branch beyond
that because I'm not sure any of it really applies
to how I do consent anymore. Informed. I would
say informed. To be risk aware, you kind of have
to be informed. I don't necessarily have to be
informed when you're going to do it to me. But
it's good for me to be informed about the things
that are on the menu for us. That might be happening
at a future time. Yes. Yeah, no, that makes sense.
So they're just a few of the kind of the consent
models that are commonly used or commonly talked
about in the kink community. I think that the
best thing anybody can do is kind of understand
what each of them are and kind of make a decision
about what works with them and then work within
that framework. And the one thing that they all
stand and fall on for me. It's how you talk about
what you're going to do. Yeah. How you communicate.
We're going to keep saying it. How you communicate
with each other and how you negotiate. And negotiating
is one of those things that I think if you're
outside of the kink world, it sounds boring.
It sounds formal. It sounds like you're sort
of sitting down and having a really... dry conversation.
In the background you can hear the other horny
animal that lives in this house. Cookie is currently
in heat and has some very strong opinions about
it. You can stay if you'll be quiet. You have
to be quiet. Negotiation is one of those things
that I think people's perception of it is it's
going to be a really boring, dry conversation.
And I think this is definitely a topic for another
time, but that's why a lot of kink representation
in media is so bad, because people don't know
how to write those conversations in a way that
is engaging. So they just skim over them and
then you end up with stuff like Fifty Shades,
which is not ideal. But in real life, it's not
something I find boring at all. I actually find
it, it's almost like a kind of foreplay sometimes.
It's fun because you're talking about the...
Great stuff that you're going to be getting up
to. There's different levels of negotiation involved
for different things. So when I was single and
I was having a lot of kinky hookups with strangers
from the internet, most of what I was doing was
vetting more than negotiating, like talking to
them to get a feel for safety, arranging sort
of things like safety checks and stuff with other
people. Yeah. All of that stuff that we've talked
about before to make sure that the risk of them.
Being a serial killer was managed, essentially.
And because it was often quite simple stuff,
because when you're playing with someone new
for the first time, you don't want to overcomplicate
things and you probably don't want to go too
heavy. So it was basically, do you want to come
over and hit me with some stuff? These are the
areas I like to be hit. These are the areas I
don't. These are maybe some toys that I wouldn't
want to use with someone that I've just barely
met. These are my limits. Let's go. Let's go.
But if you are doing something more involved,
like we talked about waterboarding, that obviously
required... a lot of negotiation not just for
us to understand how to do it with the education
that we had but talk about what was going to
feel comfortable for us for a first experience
because there were a lot of different options
there yeah yeah and that's one of fairly few
i think things where we've actually written out
a plan yeah and said this is how we're going
to do it and this is what we're going to do in
this situation yeah i think because i think partly
because it was new partly because that four hour
webinar scared the shit out of us yes like we
need to be really careful about this because
you might get a brain infection yeah and that's
why we bought distilled water that's why we bought
distilled water yeah and bleach the watering
can yeah of all the things i've done for kink
standing in the kitchen scrubbing a watering
can for about 20 minutes with bleach is yeah
it's one of the most off the wall yeah yeah it's
not standard um and negotiating for dynamics
is an even bigger job uh negotiating for even
the most intense scenes is only gonna be a fairly
short amount of your life in the grand scheme
of things but negotiating a dynamic i would say
is an ongoing conversation that we've been having
for the last year and a half i think so i think
so and i think notwithstanding what you said
earlier on about kind of that perception that
you know negotiation is a dry topic i think when
you're negotiating for a dynamic it does have
to be quite detailed and quite specific yeah
and it can suppose if you approach it with a
different attitude it might not but it can feel
a little bit dry but i think it needs to be yeah
if you're doing that because you're getting into
a level of detail that really matters because
it's not just an hour on a tuesday night where
someone's going to come over and do some stuff
for you and then you're going to go about your
day yeah it kind of you're starting something
which is going to slowly kind of creep into your
If that's what you want to do with your relationship,
it's going to slowly creep into your day -to
-day life. It changes both of you as people.
It changes your routines. It changes the way
that you talk to each other. It changes all sorts
of things. So I think it does need to be really,
really detailed and really, really kind of thought
out. And the way that we approached that, I suppose,
was, you know, kind of talking about what we
enjoyed in a DS relationship, what we wanted
to get out of it. Yeah. You know, you are...
very service oriented you like to be useful yes
so it was important that we had a dynamic and
rules and stuff that that took advantage of that
yeah i like to i do have a bit of an element
of caregiver about me and i like a bit of protocol
and stuff like that so we made sure that we included
those yeah types of elements in it as well and
we started off i think pretty pretty small yeah
you know sure our first list of rules had maybe
five or six rules on it yeah very little yeah
yeah And the key thing there, I think, is even
though there was only five or six rules, it was
writing them down. Yeah. And being really clear
about what the rule is. That was something that
really impressed me about you because I'd had
a couple of DS relationships before. One quite
a heavy dynamic, quite long term. One that was
a lot lighter, less really communicated, to be
honest, and quite short. But in both of those,
the early stages of them just sort of happened.
We had a conversation about, is this the kind
of relationship we want? Yes. But then a lot
of it was kind of going with the flow and figuring
out as we went along. And that's not necessarily
a bad thing. You know, particularly my most recent
ex, we built a very strong and very heavy dynamic.
And there was a lot of negotiation and communicating
that went on throughout that. But the early stages
of it, it was more organic. and less clear where
with you it was like we're gonna do this right
from day one we're gonna write some stuff down
yeah we're gonna approach it in a very very structured
way and that was a different flavor of ds than
what i've experienced before and i like that
clarity i think one of the things i really love
about power dynamics is the clarity that comes
with it yeah the absolute certainty of what is
expected of me what is not expected of me where
i'm meant to be how i'm meant to be talking what
i'm meant to be wearing everything being so black
and white works really well to quiet the chaos
in my head. And so having that really strong
clarity be the starting point was something that
I really liked. There's no one true way. You'll
never hear me say there's one true way. But I
do think stuff like that can really help. Whether
you're in a new relationship and you've been
doing it for years or brand new to kink, just
being dead intentional about it and being really
clear about what is it that... both people or
all people want to get out of it and how do you
then start to structure a dynamic around those
things because i imagine we never talked about
it but i imagine if you'd said oh i'm really
service oriented i like to be useful and do things
around the house and i had insisted that we share
the housework that we probably would have had
a conversation yeah about that things like that
can be a compatibility issue and not necessarily
one that you can't get past but yeah there's
a new conversation that then starts there of
how are we going to figure that out? If we're
going to lose something that's important to us.
Yeah. And it's big, you know, that, that honesty
and openness about, no, actually this is something
that I really, I really enjoy. So it's important
to me or that I really need. So I can't do without
it or a couple of some combination of the two.
Yeah. Because if you're not having those conversations
and you, you can write it down all you like,
it's going to have some challenges up ahead.
And it's finding that balance between you absolutely
need to be confident to express the things that
are essential to you and that you feel are a
really important need in a dynamic, while also
having the open mindedness to realise that every
dynamic is unique and things that you maybe haven't
liked in the past or thought that you needed
in the past could change for the new person.
I remember when we were having those early conversations,
you'd mentioned that sort of caregiver side to
you. And I find it very hard to receive care.
and it didn't put me off you at all I was head
over heels by that point but I had that moment
of sort of like oh I don't know if this dynamic
is going to be quite what I wanted you know like
that sort of fear but talking to you about what
that meant to you and what that would look like
and gradually opening myself up to to experiencing
that made me realize actually it was something
that I really value and just hadn't hadn't been
ready to be vulnerable enough to value yeah by
letting someone take care of me instead of just
being useful it's still important to me to be
useful and to do a lot of service for you yeah
but also for you to not just be a dominant but
to be a leader yeah and to to help give me a
better quality of life and a better way of taking
care of myself by the care that you show me yeah
is something that that felt scarier to receive
than all the harsh discipline in the world but
now now that would be something that i would
put on my list of things that i really want in
a dynamic yeah because you've changed my perspective
on it yeah so going into those negotiations open
-minded and that doesn't mean you have to accept
things that you know are not for you but if you
find that sort of feeling of being confronted
by something then i'm not sure that's for me
listening to what it is listening to what it
means to that person listening to how it would
work in the relationship and letting that feeling
sit for a minute and see where it goes yeah yeah
the word caregiver for some people in kink has
a specific set of set of meanings yeah but i
think where we where we have we're having that
conversation it was like no what i mean is rules
that are designed to make your life better yeah
or to yeah to improve your health and well -being
yeah so we you know one of our first rules is
a rule that persists to this day is that you
need to eat at least one meal a day one proper
meal a day yeah and there is a there is a proviso
in there That coffee monster and snacks do not
count. Or cigarettes. Or cigarettes. Yeah, because
at the time you set that rule, I was sometimes
having cigarettes for dinner. Yeah. And a certain
amount of rules for taking care of me had been
something I had experienced before, because I
think in pretty much any DS or MS relationship,
there's going to be a certain amount of requirement
to protect the property. You know, that's going
to be a core part of it for most people. What
I found difficult to accept at first was things
like, if I'm sick, you wanting me to really rest
and just exist and not push myself really hard,
where I had the idea that a good submissive,
you try to kind of power through it. And, you
know, when I was really sick a few years ago,
attempting to still do all the laundry and washing
up and stuff where I could barely stand up. yeah
and that is in no way a criticism of that relationship
because that's what i wanted at the time that's
that's what i thought i needed is to be pushed
really hard so that i didn't break with all the
stuff that was going on with my body yeah but
i have learned with you to accept to accept peace
which is something that i find very difficult
i think yeah i think something like that though
is it's it's a variation of what you just said
it's about looking after the property yeah you
cannot be a good submissive or a functioning
person if you are working yourself to the point
of exhaustion while you're sick yeah but just
people don't work that way human bodies don't
work that way yeah so i think finding that balance
of doing what you can when you're feeling well
enough to do it and actually properly resting
i think is a really important It's a really important
part of the dynamic as well. It's easier to write
a set of rules which says you are going to do
this, this, this and this. And those are the
rules and you write them down and you think,
right, that's what it is. But actually life happens
alongside that. And that was a big part of our
negotiation is talking about what if any of this
goes wrong? So that could be life happening,
but it could be also... like problems in the
relationship problems in the dynamic um because
something that i had learned from having a previous
dynamic is that ds breakups are the worst thing
yeah yeah and we can't there's nothing that we
can plan to prevent that from being shit if it
ever happens but there are things we can do and
build into our negotiations where you know no
one gets together planning to break up but everyone
knows that that can happen and it's safety planning
to try to minimize some of the impact on our
ability to function as independent humans if
that has to happen um i think people talk a lot
about risk with play with kink but probably not
enough about risk when it comes to power exchange
where to me that is the edgiest edge play that
we do yeah is that tangling up your brains with
each other And embedding each other into the
routines of your life. And I think one of the
other things that I like about how we negotiated
our dynamic and how we developed it was we didn't
throw the kitchen sink at it to begin with. Like
our first set of rules was five or six things
in a shared Google Keep note that I sent to you.
We wrote it together and I sent it to you. And
we added things to that as we went. And then
we had... I think quite a long period of kind
of talking about having a formal contract yeah
I think it's about three months that we worked
or talked about and worked on the contract yeah
yeah it's you know and we kind of worked through
that quite a lot and kind of thought about the
way that we wanted to word it what we wanted
to get out of it what we wanted it to say yeah
um and then started to add I think went through
a period of quite rapidly then adding quite a
lot of rules but then when we got there contract
together that was when we really sat down because
we felt obviously comfortable enough to sign
a contract to underpin our dynamic that felt
the right time to go okay so let's really think
about a whole bunch of rules yeah and how we
want that to work and you know layering the the
level of control that was in there because it
wasn't just adding a lot of additional rules
it was also fleshing out the ones that we had
so adding a bit more clarity in some cases a
bit of complexity in others yeah getting more
specific with them sort of ramping up the levels
of control over certain things yeah and one of
the things that I really like about how we have
negotiated throughout our dynamic is it's not
it's not really led by one of us more than the
other although the relationship is led by you
because you are you are the dominant you are
the one who has the the authority in the relationship
when it comes to creating the dynamic it's very
very collaborative yeah and we probably roughly
equally suggest new rules or suggest changes
and things like that we both very much feed into
that with a mix of experiences we've had in the
past things we've seen online ideas we just come
up with because because our heads are fucking
it seems like fun yeah yeah um yeah it's never
one of us dragging the other in any particular
direction I would say that we approach negotiation
as equals or with a foundation of equality. The
protocol and the things that emphasize the difference
in our power and the difference in authority
in the relationship are always present. But we
approach it with the goal of being equally fulfilled
by this relationship, having our needs equally
met, having our voices equally heard and how
we create that together. Yeah. And I think we've
maintained that all the time. Yeah, I think so.
I think so. I think you're right. I think it's
going to say for the 75th, 75 millionth time,
it's how you communicate, which is the kind of
fundamental to the success of that sort of thing.
I think it'd be interesting. I don't know how
we would have gone on if we had started with
the level of rules that we have now. If we'd
gone full on, here is the... Six page contract
and five pages of rules in a separate document.
I'd have forgotten half of them. Yeah. I forget
things like this. I feel like it would have been
really, really hard for both of us to keep track
of it. I think you would have really struggled
because you wouldn't have been able to follow
the rules as you would want to. Yeah. Because
you couldn't remember them all. Yeah. And I would
feel really bad because I'd have to punish you
for not breaking the rules. Yeah. Or we'd end
up, and it's a conversation we had, wasn't it,
early on about my... tendency to be forgiving
over rule breaks yeah i go oh it's okay i can
understand why that didn't happen and you're
like no i need you to i know you understand why
no you're not blaming me blaming me or thinking
i'm a bad person but i need you to discipline
me when i break a rule yeah because that's how
this works for me yeah yeah and i really need
discipline it's because i have none i have no
self -discipline i really rely on that when i'm
in a relationship i rely on my partner for that
yeah because otherwise the first time i break
a rule and you let me off the second time i forget
to do it my brain's gonna go haha it's not real
i don't have to do it yeah and then i i would
never consciously be like i'm not going to make
any effort to follow these rules but my motivation
and my drive and my dedication all that would
start to go and eventually i think if the problem
went on long enough my submission would go with
it yeah because if the structure isn't there
what am i submitting to yeah um but once i've
explained that to you in that way you've felt
a lot more comfortable punishing me because you
realize it's not you being harsh and mean and
unforgiving it's you giving me what i need to
feel secure yeah yeah yeah yeah and we still
do have those you know we had a situation recently
didn't we um for a whole bunch of entirely reasonable
reasons you weren't able to close all of the
rings on your apple watch yes for the number
of days that you needed so you have a rule where
you need to close your three rings on your apple
watch five days out of seven yes um which is
a cracking rule really good you know as rules
go um but you didn't do it the other week yeah
and that was partly because we were out and about
doing fun things partly you were You had a couple
of days where you were poorly. I had a couple
of days where I was poorly. And then we went
to a play event and you whipped me. And then
the next day I couldn't function as a human being.
Yes. And I had left one of my days that I had
to close my rings to the last day of the week.
And that day all I wanted to do was lie on the
couch. So we had a bit, you know, we talked about
that, didn't we? And I was honest and I said,
I'm not sure how I want to deal with that. Because
on the one hand, I want to provide you with what
you need in terms of that discipline and sticking
to the punishment. On the other hand, it just
feels really mean. Yeah. Because you were poorly.
And then we were away for one day and I turned
you into soup. So it was kind of my fault that
you couldn't date on the Sunday. And it took
me two or three days. In the end, I decided,
yes, no way, I'm going to impose the punishment
for that. But it took me two or three days to
get to that. But again, this is where communication
comes in, because you told me you were having
difficulty with that decision. And I said, genuinely,
if I was in your position, I would be having
difficulty as well. So if you punish me, I'm
not going to think you're being too harsh. And
if you let me off, I'm not going to complain
that you're not giving me enough discipline.
I said to you, you know, go with your gut on
this and I'm not going to complain either way.
Yeah. Yeah. That was really helpful. Yeah. And
I really appreciated that. But yeah, that was
a very long, rambly way of kind of saying, I
think. You know, one thing to bear in mind when
you're negotiating a DS dynamic or a DS relationship
is how much you are physically and mentally capable
of taking on at any one time. Yes. Because if
you get into it, you know, we talked in a previous
episode about frenzy, like sub -frenzy and non
-frenzy, where you kind of get into something
and you're like, oh yes, I want to do all of
the things right away. I think kind of if you
are in a... what you're planning to be a long
-term ds dynamic or ds relationship actually
starting slow yeah starting small it makes it
more sustainable yeah and it gives you something
to continue to work on as well like some of the
most fun times that we have in our relationship
is is planning new things new play new elements
to the relationship creating this there will
come a point where we kind of run out of stuff
to change and we're like actually this is a good
point and there'll be fluctuations and circumstances
that come and go where we have to adjust things
but like enjoy that process yeah we've been together
about a year getting closer to two years now
it's creeping up but over a year and a half and
we have spent a huge amount of that time talking
about what is most meaningful to us in our relationship
what we want to do where we're going with it
what we're trying to create and i wouldn't want
that to all be condensed into the first five
minutes of the relationship even if that was
doable because because i've enjoyed the journey
yeah yeah it is a it is a it is the journey not
the destination yes isn't it so we've talked
quite a lot um about how you plan for and negotiate
ds dynamic and and you know as we've just been
saying it's not a it's not a one and done kind
of thing and an important part of that is kind
of checking in with each other as you go so not
just adding new things to it but actually consciously
talking about how how the rules are feeling how
the dynamics feeling yeah um kind of um reflecting
on how the relationship is um and when you're
doing when you're playing and doing scenes and
stuff like that it's important i think to to
do some reflecting during or after aftercare
as well yeah so to kind of think about what happened
and how it felt yeah it tends to be quite a prominent
part of aftercare for us because neither of us
for most of the play we do we don't have particularly
high aftercare needs with a lot downtime But
I think it's important for both of us to know
that it went well or if something maybe wasn't
quite right to talk about that rather than just
leaving it to fester. Generally, things do go
well. Yeah. But that's a really helpful thing
to hear as well afterwards is, you know, like
me telling you like that was really good. I really
enjoyed that. I loved all the stuff you were
doing to me. That was so mean, but in a good
way. Yeah. And it's good for me to hear. from
you like you you did really well like it was
it was really exciting to see you in that situation
yeah the positive feedback you know can yeah
can feel really good yeah yeah yeah yeah and
that's as good that's as important as kind of
addressing any any issues isn't it it's it's
it's good to know you're doing a good job yes
a little bit of praise kink that goes both ways
yeah definitely definitely and we talk a lot
about um sort of new types of play particularly
if we're starting something new or doing something
we haven't done for a while we'll not just jump
into that even though with the the type of consent
model that we use and the type of dynamic we
have you can just sort of grab me and do stuff
to me yeah if we haven't done something before
or haven't done it in a while having the conversations
about any fears we have around it anything that
we think is likely to be more challenging you
know if we're likely to need more aftercare and
things like that when you're planning for it
yeah yeah and i think that's really important
even in a the type of power exchange relationship
that we've got that doesn't negate the need to
be a good communicator and a good person you
know it's that just because you can doesn't mean
you should you have absolutely you have a lot
of sort of rights to just like i said just grab
me and do stuff yeah but thinking about how that's
going to impact on me how that's going to impact
on you how it's going to impact on our relationship
is it the right time is it the right way to do
that particular thing yeah is there any sort
of potential downsides to that and and navigating
that and taking on that responsibility is one
of the things that you're very very good at yeah
thanks and you are as well because you you kind
of that's a two -way street yeah you know you
you have the ideas as well and talk about them
and we we find a way to do them and i can remember
that you know when we first started talking about
bimbofication Yeah. That came up, I think we
were on our way to the coast. Yeah. When it came
up in conversation and we said, oh, we'll think
about it. And then we ended up having lots of
conversations about it, having really deep kind
of chats while we're having a tab in the morning
by the kitchen door. That's usually the way it
goes, isn't it? We'll be having a coffee and
a smoke first thing in the morning or like last
thing at night, standing in the kitchen door
and just end up talking for a couple of hours
about some idea one of us has had or a thought
that we've had that's come up. sort of feelings
after play quite often yeah talking through there
as well because it's not just the immediate aftermath
yeah it's sometimes two three days later that
you'll realize you've been processing some stuff
from it and yeah and want to talk about it yeah
definitely which is probably why it's a good
thing we started a podcast because we need somewhere
to put water true true set up a webcam in the
kitchen just live streaming the kitchen doorway
cranky oh no oh no No, because sometimes it ends
up being an in -depth conversation about your
tummy problems. No one needs that one on livestreamed
on the internet. Wow. Wow. You're calling me
out. Yeah. Shocking. Shocking. I can feel the
new rule. Oh, no. Anyway. Focus. Focus. Yeah.
So we do all of that kind of ongoing checking
in all of the time. All of all of all of the
time. We love to talk. But one of the things
that we thought was really important around the
time we came up with our contract was to set
aside some time for a proper official checking
with an agenda and everything. I do love an agenda.
You do. Yeah, I do. Yeah. Proper, proper meeting
and a little note and everything. Yeah, I'm slightly
surprised we don't have a spreadsheet for it.
Ooh. Nice. You would enjoy it. Yeah, I think
we could come up with a spreadsheet for it. That'd
be amazing. As long as I don't have to manage
the input into the spreadsheet. New rule. Oh,
no. Make you learn Excel. I'm already being forced
to learn Excel. Consensual non -consent, but
it's my work requiring me to learn Excel. Oh,
no. It's not good. I want a safe word for that.
But no, we put that into our dynamic. We put
it into our contract, didn't we? Because we were
talking about reviews. And like all good contracts,
there is a review period at the end of the year.
But I think especially with the increased level
of control, increased number of rules, and I
guess also just being more intentional about
our kinky selves. It's a good time to just sit
down and stop and just consciously. Yeah. You
know, it sounds a little bit boring and formal,
but follow a list and go, okay, these are the
things that are important to us, so let's check
in about them. And I definitely never find it
boring or particularly formal, but I think even
if I did, it would be worth doing because it
stops that drift that happens in relationships.
Yeah. It's like you wake up one day and you remember
the person you were where you couldn't keep your
hands off each other and you were going on dates
multiple times a week and saying I love you at
the end of every sentence and you wake up and...
it's like you've got a roommate yeah no one wants
that to happen but it's always a risk in every
relationship and i think having that regular
check -in yeah it's just a little safety feature
where if any of that is starting to happen it
catches you and goes we've taken our eye off
the ball here like yeah we do i don't feel like
that's ever been a major risk for us but we've
had periods of time where we're playing a little
bit less or getting into routines that maybe
weren't the best for fostering intimacy and we
spot it and we address it and i really like that
yeah um and i think as well as with everything
we've talked about communication is important
for any relationship checking in is important
for any relationship but when it comes to kink
it's also got the added risks that come with
it and those kind of proper formal check -ins
yeah can highlight any areas where any part of
this is potentially becoming dangerous and yeah
figure out how we fix that yeah yeah So we recorded
one. We did. We thought it would be fun to share
that with the world. I mean, we're not sharing
all of it. It was the best part of an hour. I
was surprised how long it lasted. Yeah. We can
talk. So yeah, we recorded our last check -in
and we're going to go through, we'll take you
through our formal agenda and share some clips
from that. So the first thing that we usually
talk about at our monthly check -in is about
the rules. So we check in to see if either of
us have thought about any new rules that we might
want to introduce, any changes to any rules that
we want to suggest for any reason. Sometimes
we find that we write a rule and then we either
work to it and it doesn't quite work out or we
don't work to it because that's not how the world
works or how our life works. um sometimes it's
even just wording tweaks isn't it where the rule
itself is fine but the way it's worded means
it's either impossible to follow or impossible
to enforce and we kind of look at that and go
okay let's fix that yeah yeah but we've got a
couple of clips from our last uh check -in where
we're talking about the current set of rules
yes let's have a listen to that god what was
it that we were looking to update next was it
um legs shaving your legs and eyebrows legs and
eyebrows that was it those new things um so obviously
about a week ago i'd like shave my legs for the
first time we'd said if i like it and if you
like it then i would maintain it and it become
part of the rules um so as long as you're happy
for that yeah yeah and we'll say um like we do
with um Other kind of appearance things kind
of just say as and when. Keep on top of it. Keep
it maintained. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Rather than
saying X number of times. Yeah. Per week. Yeah,
I'm happy with that. Are you? I feel like there
was another one as well, but I can't remember
what it was. Eyebrows is the other one, but you've
included that in there. Yeah, we should have
written it down. We should. Okie doke. I can't
think of any other. Has there been any other?
My issues or anything around the rules? I don't
think so, Mx. No, everything's felt pretty
good. Done your usual brilliant job. Easy to
manage. Yeah. In that way that you are. I like
to behave. Such a good boy. Okie doke. And I
really like that a lot of the time it is almost
as brief as that. Like I barely cut that down
because while rules now are so well developed,
we're very rarely adding anything in. And if
we are, we've already been talking about it over
the months. So it is that just quickly checking,
making sure we agree and in it goes. And then
you do some fun admin work, updating. Yeah, I
am. I am responsible for the rules admin. I update
the rules and the contract and stuff like that.
I quite like doing that. I thought you might.
That does seem in your vibe. um so the next thing
that we normally talk about is scenes that we
have done over the month any kind of play we
tend not to talk a lot about the more sort of
short spontaneous things so rough kinky sex or
a bit of a spanking on the couch doesn't tend
to make the list but you usually keep track of
any sort of planned scenes we've done so things
that events things that are a little bit more
involved um and then we talk through those at
the check -in And a big thing it's useful for
is tracking how frequently we're playing as well.
Again, talking about that sort of relationship
drift that happens. If you just gradually start
playing less and less often, you might not notice
it. But if you get to the end of the month and
look at your list and there's nothing on there,
then you're going to have a conversation about
that and see if there's anything that needs to
be looked at there or if it's just been a quiet
month. This one where we had our check -in had
been a little bit, but it hadn't been because
of any problems. We just had lots of fun things
going on and it seems we've done awesome. Let's
hear a little bit about them. thank you didn't
do many this month not loads but the ones we've
done have been really good the only ones i have
written are uh take all quiz the play bunch yes
and two waterboarding Yeah. I think those are
the only sort of proper scenes we've done. We've
done a lot of other stuff, like stuff like last
night where you tried on your dresses and I got
to try on the plastic bags from the dresses.
That was fun. But yeah, everything else we've
done has been more just like spontaneous kinky
sex stuff, not land scenes. That's okay. But
yeah, the ones we've done have been really good.
I think the Taylor Swift quiz that we did at
the Playmunch was just such a... fun scene to
do at an event like that like it seemed like
we got quite a lot of people watching people
really enjoyed it that was fun um and then we
did waterboarding yes twice yes yes we did which
was very very good yeah you seem to enjoy you
seem to enjoy it i get a lot from that yeah it's
really really fun at the time yeah it's such
an instant turn on as well like obviously the
second waterboarding scene we did where you were
touching me as well you noticed that where you
sort of touched me a little bit before we got
started and then you poured water over my face
like once or twice and then touched me again
and i was immediately soaking wet and i don't
think it was the water you've been pouring on
me i think i was just that wet immediately yeah
that's fair that's fair i mean that happened
last night as well but like you know you know
when i when i first went in it took a little
bit of shoving and then i put the bag on your
head it's like yeah breath play is a funny one
for me where i'm not necessarily always getting
consciously turned on by it i am by waterboarding
that's kind of its own thing but when we do other
breath play stuff i don't necessarily think this
is super hot i'm really into this but my body
obviously does yeah Perfect. I know we've talked
about, I kind of had a lot of processing time
and a bit of drops the second time, but is there
much going on for you? Weirdly, I don't think
so. It's not a bad thing. Not in terms of processing.
I know when we've done psychological stuff or
kind of CNC type stuff in the past, I've had
to go and sit and stare at some flowers or something
for a minute afterwards. So I don't know whether
it's just getting more comfortable with that
sort of thing. or whether that just doesn't hit
me the same way that it does. I think waterboarding
is obviously going to be more intense for me
than it is for you. And I think both of the scenes
we've done with it, although it's physically
quite intense and it sort of dredges some stuff
up psychologically for me, the actual headspace
that we're in in the scene has been quite lighthearted.
Yeah. Like, because we've been not wanting to
combine too many elements and bring in... sort
of things like degradation or you being really
intimidating and nasty during the scene it has
been between pause it's us just kind of checking
in with each other and chatting and i get the
giggles from it so yeah so i can see how that
would maybe be less intense than some of the
things we do where we're going into that sort
of really kind of intense nasty headspace the
intensity of waterboarding is about what you're
doing to me not about how you're doing it yeah
yeah no that makes sense One of the things I
really like about that part of the agenda is
that it gives us a chance to just reflect on
all the fun stuff that we do. And even if, like
in this check -in, we haven't done loads and
loads of scenes, they were great. And it's fun
to think about the Taylor Swift quiz and trying
out waterboarding was really exciting and stuff
like that. So it's nice to remind yourself that
actually this is some fun stuff we did over that
time. So the next thing we talk about in our
check -in is planning scenes and setting some
intentions for the month ahead. So we talk about
specific ideas for different scenes and different
types of play that we want to do. Over the next
month, we have a bit of a running list of things
that we either want to try or that we really
enjoy doing. So we have a look at that. We add
things to it. Usually involves you asking for
more orgasms. It often does. More orgasms and
more rape play. Yes, generally. Things I consistently
ask for. Pretty consistent in those things. And
you particularly enjoy saying, no, I think you're
having too many orgasms. Too many. One a week
is plenty. It's not. So, yeah, sometimes we'll
talk about really specific scenes we want to
do. Sometimes we'll just say, oh, yeah, it would
be nice to do a little bit more of that this
month. Yeah. And this is what we'll talk about
in this clip. So then we had my amazing suggestion
of 31 Days of Kink. Yes. Intended to just make
sure we do stuff. Yeah. But also to try and be
a bit more intentional. Yeah. So are there any,
so we can add whipping? Yeah. Whipping. Is there
anything else in particular that you want to
add to the 31 Days of Kink? Rape play, Mx.
Obviously. Obviously. I'm just thinking of some
things that I might want to specifically do.
And it doesn't need, as I said, when we talked
about it, it doesn't need to be like we need
to do something. Big, massive scene every night.
It might just be that we're just chilling on
the sofa, but you are. In the dog crate. We haven't
used the dog crate yet. That needs to go on the
list. Let's put the dog crate on the list. You
said about furniture as well, didn't you? Yes.
human Furniture. Yes. We've also got the gags
that I got you for your birthday. I'm thinking
especially the ashtray gag. Oh, yes. Having me
sitting wearing the ashtray gag and using me
as an ashtray. Yes. and more like burns in general
like we haven't we haven't done any new cigarette
burns on me for a good while and are you aiming
to have 31 different kinks Mx or is it more
just every every day for 31 days we're doing
something kinky so you could have three days
in a row where you use me as furniture for example
yeah i don't i don't think i was necessarily
thinking 31 different things over the course
of the month and there are going to be times
when we just want to sit on the sofa and actually
just having you chained up yeah is the thing
um but also want to make sure that we can you
know kind of at least a couple of times a week
to do something that isn't it can i add over
the knee spanking to the list yes it does such
a good brain off for me which is so strange because
of all of the things that we do i mean i know
i can you've said i kind of spank pretty hard
you do you spank extremely hard yes but like
of all of the things that we do that's probably
The most normal. The most normal kink thing we
do. Yeah. I couldn't think of what it was because
it's not vanilla. Because it's not. But it's
kind of entry -level kink. Yeah. It's the kind
of thing that pretty much anyone who has any
interest in submitting or trying masochism has
probably been spanked. Yeah. If somebody asks,
you know, interested in exploring some kinks,
the first thing you would say, have you tried
spanking your partner? Yeah. Give it a go. But
I wasn't thinking that we would make a point
of doing 31 completely different things every
day, but also not just doing the same thing.
Yeah. I'll get your chain to the coffee table.
That's the kink for today. No, that's kind of
not the point. Yeah. It's to keep us creative.
And one of the things that we obviously mentioned
in that clip was the 31 Days of Kink challenge,
which we are now well into, a couple of weeks
into at the point of recording. And that has
been so much fun. And I think we've got a whole
episode in that at some point. Yes, definitely.
Because it is such a fun challenge to, even when
we're a little bit tired, a little bit busy,
it's like we're setting aside five minutes for
something here. We're doing something, even if
it is just putting me in the dog crate for a
bit, which has been a big hit. Yes. That was
a good idea. Yeah, yeah. It's been a really nice
thing to do and to think about and kind of try
and be a little bit more intentional and a bit
more creative. with the things that we do. And
the final main point of the agenda, we always
end up having a long waffle afterwards about
how great our relationship is. But the actual
last agenda point is events. We talk about any
upcoming play events, any classes that we're
going to be going to and any munches. And we'll
sometimes talk through our specific play plans
for those, maybe outfits that we're thinking
about wearing, especially if it's something with
a theme. And sometimes the really boring practical
stuff like travel arrangements. try to get around
the country a little bit for events. And sometimes
we need to figure out whether we're booking a
hotel or an Airbnb. Yeah. So here is a little
clip talking about our plans for the coming month.
So we've got, we've got some stuff planned. We've
got Northern Exposure. We've got Euphoria. Yes.
Possibly camping. i'm really looking forward
to northern exposure like i've i've liked the
idea of like a gender inclusive clothes top naked
bottom event for ages and the fact that we now
have one locally is very exciting because i just
love to be naked yeah yeah yeah did you have
any more thoughts about play plans for that one
Mx i did but then quest came along yeah because
we talked about it's been a while since we've
done like a properly properly big beating yeah
you know Don't do a lot of that here in the last
time we were at the play, which we did. The Taylor
Swift one. Yes. Which was not a little beating.
No, it was still a pretty big beating. I had
some bruises, which takes some doing. I had a
bruised butthole from that. The actual hole.
I always get bruises in my butt crack, but I
had a purple butthole. I've never seen that before
in my life. So, yeah, so there's a few events
that we were talking about there, including a
brand new one that we'd never worked brand first
time it had ever been run. Yeah. Was one of them.
And that was that was very exciting to to attend.
It was a good event. We enjoyed that. That was,
of course, Northern Exposure. Yes. Very, very
fun. Nice, easy outfit planning for that one.
Yeah. Dead easy. Yeah. That's how our check in
every month work. We've been doing them for.
Good wire now. About a year. About coming up
on a year now. Yeah. We'll have to renew the
contract soon. And I think it's been a really
helpful, it has been a really helpful thing for
us to do. I think it's helped us when we were
going through that period of kind of adding more
rules and having to check on them more frequently
than maybe we are now. Yeah. So it gave us that
point at which we could kind of go, okay, let's
change these rules. Here's a new set of rules.
Kind of give you that structure. helps you and
it helps me to keep track of it um and it's just
it we keep saying it we've been saying it for
an hour and a half now that kind of opportunity
just to talk to each other about the relationship
and about the stuff that we do is just really
really important because it forces you to think
about it and it's dead easy not to yeah And I
think that's kind of spread beyond the check
-in. I think we've always been good at communicating,
but that kind of intentionally thinking about
stuff that's happening, I just think is incredibly
powerful for us. And I think, you know, people
in any type of relationship could probably benefit
from that. It doesn't have to be a kinky relationship.
It doesn't have to be a check -in about all of
the unhinged kinky shit we've done or all the...
six pages of rules or however many it is you
know yeah it's about the stuff that forms the
structure of our relationship and whatever forms
the structure of any relationship is worth being
intentional about yeah so that could be talking
about how intimacy is going it could be talking
about how overall communication is feeling it
could be talking about plans you've got for the
the quality time you spend together because we
go on a lot of adventures that aren't kink related
as well but a lot of our sort of planned in advance
social events are kinky events so it makes sense
for that to be what comes up in our check -in
yeah um but i think having that time to look
at the month that's just happened and the month
that's coming up and make sure your relationship
is still right there in the focus yeah is important
because like you say it's it's the stuff that
starts to slip out of your conscious mind at
times yeah and becomes less of a priority over
a long -term relationship sometimes because you
take it for granted yeah and not because you
don't love and appreciate your partner but because
that's just how humans are when something is
normal and it's routine and it's always there
yeah you do that yeah yeah and it provides an
opportunity as well to talk about you know it
doesn't doesn't often happen to us but it's also
an opportunity to kind of make sure that you
are checking in about that as well yeah and if
there is anything that's bothering if there are
issues that you haven't talked about it gives
you the opportunity to do it and again you could
apply that to any type of situation in any type
of relationship it's like if if once a month
you sat down with your partner and said, will
you pick up the fucking towels off the bathroom
floor? Maybe relationships would be better. Yeah.
You know? And I think that the main thing that...
kink has helped to teach me and i think it's
important to say that i don't think kinky people
are inherently better communicators i think kink
gives people an opportunity to learn better communication
skills because it kind of pushes you to do it
and the consequences for not doing it are worse
so people who seize that opportunity tend to
become better communicators but there will always
be people who don't and there are non -kinky
people who are incredibly good communicators
who i learn a lot from um but kink has particularly
helped me to become a better communicator in
relationships because I realised very early on
that it was going to be what protected my safety,
what protected my sanity at times, what helped
me to navigate some really complicated stuff
around changing how consent worked and how physical
intimacy and touch worked, how just, you know,
love languages work and how... the tone of someone's
voice is different. So much is so different in
a kinky relationship that I realized I had to
get better at navigating it for that to work
for me. And that has massively benefited me.
It's benefited us. And I think it's really helped
me to learn that in a relationship, people really
need to be a team. It's me and you versus whatever
life throws at us. It's never me versus you.
And that's something that I had heard before
and kind of knew in theory, but didn't really
learn to put into practice until I got into kinky
relationships and realized. how quickly something
this complex and fragile falls apart when you
start fighting the person in it yeah and how
important it is not to do that yeah i think it
really we really proactively prevent problems
as well and the communication we have banging
on about it again communication is the yeah yeah
it's funny that's that should almost be the title
of the episode maybe it will be maybe when i
listen to it back i'll pick out something really
random yes maybe so maybe so Well, there you
go. I think we are done. I believe we are, yes,
Mix. Thanks for listening to this week's episode
of Don't Scare the Newbies. You can support us
on Patreon for bonus content and head to kirizal
.com for my blog and links to everywhere else
that you can follow me. See you next time.