WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:02.100 Welcome to Don't Scare the Newbies, a podcast 00:00:02.100 --> 00:00:04.259 where we talk about kink, raw and unfiltered. 00:00:04.500 --> 00:00:07.080 I'm Kirizal, a lifestyle submissive in a 24 00:00:07.080 --> 00:00:09.699 -7 dynamic who likes their kink heavy, intense 00:00:09.699 --> 00:00:13.259 and scary. And I'm S, Kirizal's dominant who 00:00:13.259 --> 00:00:15.820 knows how to deliver all of the above. And today 00:00:15.820 --> 00:00:18.059 it's our first episode so we're going to be introducing 00:00:18.059 --> 00:00:20.399 ourselves and telling you all about us getting 00:00:20.399 --> 00:00:45.229 ready for the podcast. I'm so excited. Hello. 00:00:45.390 --> 00:00:47.810 I've never seen you so terrified of a phone before. 00:00:47.990 --> 00:00:50.549 Yes. So I should probably kick things off while 00:00:50.549 --> 00:00:54.270 you're having your fear here. So this is the 00:00:54.270 --> 00:00:56.509 first episode of Don't Scare the Newbies, a brand 00:00:56.509 --> 00:00:58.789 new podcast about kink. Some of you will know 00:00:58.789 --> 00:01:02.229 me already. My name is Kirizal and I have been 00:01:02.229 --> 00:01:04.590 talking about kink on TikTok for quite a while 00:01:04.590 --> 00:01:06.209 and thought it was time to branch out. But I'm 00:01:06.209 --> 00:01:08.730 really curious, Mx, why did you decide to get 00:01:08.730 --> 00:01:14.090 involved in a podcast? Because you made me. That's 00:01:14.090 --> 00:01:17.530 not how this dynamic works. That is true. That 00:01:17.530 --> 00:01:19.689 is true. That is mostly not how this dynamic 00:01:19.689 --> 00:01:22.530 works. I think the main, if I'm being honest, 00:01:22.569 --> 00:01:24.250 the main reason is because you're really interested 00:01:24.250 --> 00:01:26.109 in doing a podcast and you were really excited 00:01:26.109 --> 00:01:29.750 to try a different format and try a different 00:01:29.750 --> 00:01:32.650 way of talking to people about kink. And you 00:01:32.650 --> 00:01:34.650 were really clear that you needed a co -host, 00:01:34.810 --> 00:01:37.599 someone to bounce off, ideally. someone with 00:01:37.599 --> 00:01:42.519 a different perspective on kink. And I was in 00:01:42.519 --> 00:01:46.359 the room at the time. And the different perspective 00:01:46.359 --> 00:01:47.780 that I think is really valuable that you bring 00:01:47.780 --> 00:01:49.719 is obviously you're a dominant, you're my dominant. 00:01:49.819 --> 00:01:53.120 So you almost have the opposite perspective on 00:01:53.120 --> 00:01:54.799 a lot of things, which I think will be good. 00:01:54.959 --> 00:01:57.620 Yeah, hopefully. I mean, we do tend to agree 00:01:57.620 --> 00:02:00.540 on quite a lot of... Like the general things 00:02:00.540 --> 00:02:02.459 about what we tend to agree on. So this might 00:02:02.459 --> 00:02:04.140 be just me, you saying something and me going, 00:02:04.239 --> 00:02:07.799 hmm, yes, I agree. Yes. Well, I'm sure that'll 00:02:07.799 --> 00:02:11.310 be good too. I think this is good as well, because 00:02:11.310 --> 00:02:13.729 we talk a lot about you being like an anxious 00:02:13.729 --> 00:02:15.689 dog that I have to socialise. Yes. You know, 00:02:15.689 --> 00:02:17.710 before we lived together, you did not have people 00:02:17.710 --> 00:02:19.810 in your house. And then I moved in and it was 00:02:19.810 --> 00:02:21.870 like, let's do brunch club. Let's invite friends 00:02:21.870 --> 00:02:25.969 to socialise. Yes, awful. And I'm sure we'll 00:02:25.969 --> 00:02:28.189 touch on this more later, but I dragged you along 00:02:28.189 --> 00:02:30.229 to kink events as well. So this is just the next 00:02:30.229 --> 00:02:33.219 step. and me encouraging you to talk to more 00:02:33.219 --> 00:02:35.080 people potentially quite a lot of people quite 00:02:35.080 --> 00:02:38.719 a lot of people oh god no and that's and that's 00:02:38.719 --> 00:02:41.099 something that i i still struggle to understand 00:02:41.099 --> 00:02:43.900 i recognize that you are in my eyes you are a 00:02:43.900 --> 00:02:46.699 famous person and you sometimes get recognized 00:02:46.699 --> 00:02:49.780 in the street and i just don't understand why 00:02:49.780 --> 00:02:52.879 people would be interested in the partner in 00:02:52.879 --> 00:02:58.300 in in me i'm just Just a little guy. I mean, 00:02:58.340 --> 00:03:00.060 I don't even really understand why people are 00:03:00.060 --> 00:03:02.439 interested in me. Like my TikTok kind of happened 00:03:02.439 --> 00:03:04.659 by mistake. And I'm definitely not famous, by 00:03:04.659 --> 00:03:06.659 the way. You know, the numbers you see on my 00:03:06.659 --> 00:03:08.599 TikTok seem massive. But if you compare them 00:03:08.599 --> 00:03:10.419 to actual famous people, they're really not. 00:03:10.680 --> 00:03:13.060 OK, but what about you, though? So why did you 00:03:13.060 --> 00:03:15.319 want to kind of start a podcast? You're already 00:03:15.319 --> 00:03:17.340 TikTok -ing, you're already blogging, you're 00:03:17.340 --> 00:03:19.060 doing all of those things. Why add a podcast? 00:03:19.080 --> 00:03:24.099 I'm simply not busy enough, Mx. No, so I've 00:03:24.099 --> 00:03:25.860 been doing the TikTok for about three years now. 00:03:25.939 --> 00:03:27.340 And it's been the most common thing that people 00:03:27.340 --> 00:03:30.139 ask for is, do you have a podcast? When are you 00:03:30.139 --> 00:03:32.159 going to start a podcast? Why don't you have 00:03:32.159 --> 00:03:34.460 a podcast? You know, so I could see there was 00:03:34.460 --> 00:03:36.099 interest in it there. And I have always wanted 00:03:36.099 --> 00:03:39.699 to do it. But it's finding the time and committing 00:03:39.699 --> 00:03:42.219 the time as well. It was finding the right way 00:03:42.219 --> 00:03:44.280 to do it. Like you mentioned, I really wanted 00:03:44.280 --> 00:03:46.280 to do it with a co -host because otherwise it's 00:03:46.280 --> 00:03:48.860 just me. talking at people unless i get guests 00:03:48.860 --> 00:03:51.080 on every single episode which is a big commitment 00:03:51.080 --> 00:03:54.199 um and i've started to branch out a little bit 00:03:54.199 --> 00:03:56.180 recently i've started the blog which i'm really 00:03:56.180 --> 00:03:58.319 enjoying and that's made me realize actually 00:03:58.319 --> 00:04:00.120 i can take on new projects and make space for 00:04:00.120 --> 00:04:01.560 them and maybe i just need to get on with it 00:04:01.560 --> 00:04:04.560 and stop saying oh someday yeah yeah no that 00:04:04.560 --> 00:04:06.379 makes that makes sense and you know you said 00:04:06.379 --> 00:04:08.919 before that you like the fact that you add value 00:04:08.919 --> 00:04:11.840 and understanding to other people's lives and 00:04:11.840 --> 00:04:13.520 other people's perspectives which i think is 00:04:13.520 --> 00:04:18.029 a really nice yeah to do yeah we're doing it 00:04:18.029 --> 00:04:20.649 myself it's been a really big surprise because 00:04:20.649 --> 00:04:22.709 like i said the tiktok kind of happened by accident 00:04:22.709 --> 00:04:24.850 and the first video that blew up i can't remember 00:04:24.850 --> 00:04:26.649 if i've ever told you this or shown you it was 00:04:26.649 --> 00:04:30.000 back when all the The demand on TikTok was for 00:04:30.000 --> 00:04:32.579 like five second videos. And there was a trending 00:04:32.579 --> 00:04:35.579 audio that had the phrase why not in it. And 00:04:35.579 --> 00:04:38.300 I made a video of me with the caption on screen. 00:04:39.060 --> 00:04:41.379 You can't get all of your kink toys from Ikea. 00:04:41.519 --> 00:04:44.000 And then I hold up a handful of various Ikea 00:04:44.000 --> 00:04:47.699 and lip sync. Why not? And that blew up massively 00:04:47.699 --> 00:04:49.620 and people started asking questions. And I was 00:04:49.620 --> 00:04:51.120 just having fun and seeing where it took me. 00:04:51.300 --> 00:04:53.199 And then I started getting messages from people 00:04:53.199 --> 00:04:55.430 and comments from people being like. the things 00:04:55.430 --> 00:04:56.810 i've learned from your tiktok have completely 00:04:56.810 --> 00:04:59.329 transformed my relationship or they have changed 00:04:59.329 --> 00:05:01.430 my relationship with shame and things like that 00:05:01.430 --> 00:05:03.170 and it's like i'm just making silly little videos 00:05:03.170 --> 00:05:05.269 and there's people out here whose lives are going 00:05:05.269 --> 00:05:06.730 off in a different direction because of that 00:05:06.730 --> 00:05:09.569 that's really cool yeah um and i try not to like 00:05:09.569 --> 00:05:12.529 you know either get a big ego about it or get 00:05:12.529 --> 00:05:14.850 absolutely terrified by the responsibility of 00:05:14.850 --> 00:05:18.110 that but it feels like it's something that's 00:05:18.110 --> 00:05:20.069 worth continuing to put the work into and not 00:05:20.069 --> 00:05:21.730 just treating it as making silly little videos 00:05:21.730 --> 00:05:23.519 anymore and doing something that might have a 00:05:23.519 --> 00:05:25.180 little bit of a wider reach and hopefully help 00:05:25.180 --> 00:05:27.939 some people. That's amazing. I think it's amazing. 00:05:28.079 --> 00:05:31.339 Like I say, I'm surprised I'm doing this. I couldn't 00:05:31.339 --> 00:05:34.399 do videos. That would be terrifying. I'm quite 00:05:34.399 --> 00:05:37.879 happy being the quiet partner of a famous person. 00:05:38.060 --> 00:05:41.339 Like the little person sort of walking behind 00:05:41.339 --> 00:05:43.500 the celebrity on the red carpet who nobody notices. 00:05:43.620 --> 00:05:45.399 I'm quite happy with that. Now you're trying 00:05:45.399 --> 00:05:50.800 to make my ego explode. I mean, I want to stress 00:05:50.800 --> 00:05:53.529 again, I am not. famous i am not a celebrity 00:05:53.529 --> 00:05:55.310 i wouldn't even class myself as an influencer 00:05:55.310 --> 00:05:58.730 i am a moderately successful tiktok content creator 00:05:58.730 --> 00:06:01.290 who sometimes posts something and it gets 5 000 00:06:01.290 --> 00:06:03.730 views and i go and have to stare at the wall 00:06:03.730 --> 00:06:07.610 and wonder what i'm doing wrong but i you've 00:06:07.610 --> 00:06:09.970 mentioned i do occasionally get recognized when 00:06:09.970 --> 00:06:11.509 we go out and about especially if we go to the 00:06:11.509 --> 00:06:13.230 places where the other chronically online people 00:06:13.230 --> 00:06:15.449 are how have you found that with you being such 00:06:15.449 --> 00:06:18.889 a private person Mx i think it's nice for you 00:06:18.889 --> 00:06:22.100 when it happens I think it's really lovely because 00:06:22.100 --> 00:06:24.740 everybody, everybody that I've seen you meet 00:06:24.740 --> 00:06:27.639 has just been so positive and be like, oh, my 00:06:27.639 --> 00:06:30.540 God, it's you. You're on the Internet. Can we 00:06:30.540 --> 00:06:32.620 have a picture? And that's really, really nice 00:06:32.620 --> 00:06:35.220 to see because, you know, like we were talking 00:06:35.220 --> 00:06:37.680 before, you're having a positive impact on people's 00:06:37.680 --> 00:06:40.439 life, which is really, really nice to see for 00:06:40.439 --> 00:06:43.240 them and to see you kind of getting that recognition 00:06:43.240 --> 00:06:45.540 and getting that attention that you deserve because 00:06:45.540 --> 00:06:48.879 of the good work that you do. I just cannot wrap 00:06:48.879 --> 00:06:51.139 my head around. For me, I just can't wrap my 00:06:51.139 --> 00:06:53.319 head around that. It's whenever we meet people, 00:06:53.379 --> 00:06:54.759 whenever you meet people, they go, oh, and this 00:06:54.759 --> 00:06:58.899 is my partner. And I'm like, hi. Gently waving 00:06:58.899 --> 00:07:01.180 at her, hi. I'm not really sure what to do with 00:07:01.180 --> 00:07:04.720 myself. So yeah, I'm getting used to you being 00:07:04.720 --> 00:07:07.259 recognized. You know, when we were at a gig recently, 00:07:07.319 --> 00:07:09.459 somebody came up to you and asked for a photo 00:07:09.459 --> 00:07:12.420 and I walked practically to the other side of 00:07:12.420 --> 00:07:13.959 the venue so that I wasn't in the background 00:07:13.959 --> 00:07:15.600 of the picture or something. You know, that's 00:07:15.600 --> 00:07:18.319 the kind of thing that I... that i do but it's 00:07:18.319 --> 00:07:20.279 pretty cool it's been nice to see you getting 00:07:20.279 --> 00:07:23.000 more not used to it i think but comfortable with 00:07:23.000 --> 00:07:24.939 it yeah yeah because people are always they're 00:07:24.939 --> 00:07:26.660 excited to see me but then they're even more 00:07:26.660 --> 00:07:28.420 excited when they realize they now get to find 00:07:28.420 --> 00:07:30.079 out a little bit more about you because you're 00:07:30.079 --> 00:07:32.180 such a mystery yeah like they maybe won't find 00:07:32.180 --> 00:07:33.800 out very much but they'll see your face and usually 00:07:33.800 --> 00:07:36.800 will give them your name yeah that is that's 00:07:36.800 --> 00:07:39.420 a big thing like people find that really exciting 00:07:39.420 --> 00:07:41.639 a lot of the time and you at first was so thrown 00:07:41.639 --> 00:07:44.040 by that and now you i know you still don't really 00:07:44.040 --> 00:07:46.800 understand why but But you're on board with it? 00:07:47.060 --> 00:07:49.779 Yeah, it's a weird thing that happens. I don't 00:07:49.779 --> 00:07:52.259 have to understand it. I just have to make my 00:07:52.259 --> 00:07:54.920 peace with it, I suppose. So given that we've 00:07:54.920 --> 00:07:56.620 established people are obviously really interested 00:07:56.620 --> 00:07:58.720 in you, whether you understand it or not, I thought 00:07:58.720 --> 00:08:00.819 we'd start by talking a little bit about you. 00:08:01.639 --> 00:08:03.540 Seeing as this is a kink podcast, why don't we 00:08:03.540 --> 00:08:05.639 kick off with how did you get started in kink 00:08:05.639 --> 00:08:07.420 Mx? What were those first experiences like? 00:08:08.779 --> 00:08:11.800 Many, many years ago, because I am very, very 00:08:11.800 --> 00:08:14.279 old. But back when I was a... back when I was 00:08:14.279 --> 00:08:17.060 a teenager and really kind of got interested 00:08:17.060 --> 00:08:20.660 in, got introduced to kink completely by accident 00:08:20.660 --> 00:08:23.519 and kind of looking back on it, probably not 00:08:23.519 --> 00:08:25.319 the best way to start, although it is quite a 00:08:25.319 --> 00:08:29.180 funny story. I was a horny university student 00:08:29.180 --> 00:08:32.879 out on a night out and I hooked up with this 00:08:32.879 --> 00:08:37.120 very lovely girl and we went back to her place 00:08:37.120 --> 00:08:40.519 and we were, you know, having sex and doing all 00:08:40.519 --> 00:08:44.250 of that kind of fun stuff. And she kept kind 00:08:44.250 --> 00:08:48.149 of encouraging me to kind of slap her and do 00:08:48.149 --> 00:08:49.350 stuff like that. And I was like, no, you don't 00:08:49.350 --> 00:08:53.809 do that. That's not right. You don't hit a woman. 00:08:53.889 --> 00:08:55.529 You know, all those things you're taught to do 00:08:55.529 --> 00:08:57.929 when you grow up, which is absolutely right, 00:08:58.029 --> 00:09:00.870 obviously. And it went on like that for a little 00:09:00.870 --> 00:09:03.690 bit. And eventually she just stopped and said, 00:09:03.769 --> 00:09:05.429 if you want me to come, you're going to have 00:09:05.429 --> 00:09:10.529 to hit me. Relatable. Yeah. And in that moment, 00:09:10.590 --> 00:09:14.620 I was like. all right then and and gave it a 00:09:14.620 --> 00:09:18.039 go and and we had a great time and it that was 00:09:18.039 --> 00:09:21.379 my first introduce introduction to anything vaguely 00:09:21.379 --> 00:09:23.820 kind of kinky really it wasn't really something 00:09:23.820 --> 00:09:27.779 that had featured heavily before that um i like 00:09:27.779 --> 00:09:30.059 to say funny little story great way to get introduced 00:09:30.059 --> 00:09:32.220 to it but you know kind of looking back on it 00:09:32.220 --> 00:09:35.159 kind of maybe not the best yeah not exactly pre 00:09:35.159 --> 00:09:37.840 -negotiating not exactly kind of full of consent 00:09:37.840 --> 00:09:40.620 and negotiation and and boundaries and all of 00:09:40.620 --> 00:09:43.960 that sort of um all of that sort of stuff but 00:09:43.960 --> 00:09:46.720 i really enjoyed it And kind of explored that 00:09:46.720 --> 00:09:49.600 a little bit with her and with other people and 00:09:49.600 --> 00:09:52.259 just kind of really got into the idea of doing 00:09:52.259 --> 00:09:54.620 really mean things to people who like having 00:09:54.620 --> 00:09:57.080 really mean things done to them. You know, kind 00:09:57.080 --> 00:09:59.559 of playing with that idea that it is kind of 00:09:59.559 --> 00:10:03.720 in quotes wrong to slap anyone. But, you know, 00:10:03.779 --> 00:10:07.159 I was socialised a male and you're told you never 00:10:07.159 --> 00:10:10.500 hit a woman. Yeah. So to have permission to do 00:10:10.500 --> 00:10:14.820 those wrong things in a... safer and but in a 00:10:14.820 --> 00:10:18.480 safe consensual kind of environment is really 00:10:18.480 --> 00:10:21.120 quite powerful yeah you know and i i kind of 00:10:21.120 --> 00:10:24.000 really leaned into that kind of doing mean things 00:10:24.000 --> 00:10:26.519 to people who like having mean things it makes 00:10:26.519 --> 00:10:29.539 a lot of talk to them i often think kink is very 00:10:29.539 --> 00:10:32.159 much a big part of what drives kink for a lot 00:10:32.159 --> 00:10:33.980 of people i think and definitely for me is that 00:10:33.980 --> 00:10:35.940 kind of grappling with the dark side of your 00:10:35.940 --> 00:10:38.519 own nature like what are the worst things that 00:10:38.519 --> 00:10:40.860 i could potentially do to a person what are the 00:10:40.860 --> 00:10:42.879 worst things that could potentially happen to 00:10:42.879 --> 00:10:45.799 me what am i most afraid of what what am i most 00:10:45.799 --> 00:10:48.279 ashamed of and taking those out and turning them 00:10:48.279 --> 00:10:50.179 into a game because i think sometimes that's 00:10:50.179 --> 00:10:53.639 the only way to cope yeah um so that crossing 00:10:53.639 --> 00:10:55.519 those lines and doing those things that you've 00:10:55.519 --> 00:10:58.000 been socialized probably from birth to believe 00:10:58.000 --> 00:11:01.879 were absolute hardline moral standards yeah and 00:11:01.879 --> 00:11:04.399 turning that into a game is very freeing in a 00:11:04.399 --> 00:11:05.480 lot of ways and that doesn't mean you're now 00:11:05.480 --> 00:11:07.139 free to go out and just slap the shit out of 00:11:07.139 --> 00:11:09.779 anyone you want to yes but it takes some of the 00:11:09.779 --> 00:11:12.139 power out of that negative potential that you 00:11:12.139 --> 00:11:15.220 have yeah Yeah, definitely. And that was a lot 00:11:15.220 --> 00:11:17.820 of my early experiences, I suppose, or a lot 00:11:17.820 --> 00:11:21.299 of my experiences were around, I guess, more 00:11:21.299 --> 00:11:24.259 traditional types of BDSM and kink, I suppose. 00:11:24.340 --> 00:11:27.179 So kind of lots of saying mean things to people, 00:11:27.240 --> 00:11:32.279 hitting people with various implements, you know, 00:11:32.299 --> 00:11:34.720 of which there are dozens and dozens now upstairs. 00:11:34.820 --> 00:11:38.299 Yeah. And getting less traditional as well. What 00:11:38.299 --> 00:11:40.100 are the weirdest things you can hit a person 00:11:40.100 --> 00:11:46.519 with? Let's try that. Yes, Ikea. And I've had 00:11:46.519 --> 00:11:49.340 kind of relationships that have had varying levels 00:11:49.340 --> 00:11:53.379 of kink and things in them. But it wasn't really 00:11:53.379 --> 00:11:56.580 until I met you that really kind of opened up 00:11:56.580 --> 00:12:00.610 to... much greater degrees of control greater 00:12:00.610 --> 00:12:04.570 degrees of power exchange and also much darker 00:12:04.570 --> 00:12:09.490 ideas yeah in still in a safe and a consensual 00:12:09.490 --> 00:12:14.289 and risk away way but really really pushing at 00:12:14.289 --> 00:12:17.730 that idea of what is acceptable and what is not 00:12:17.730 --> 00:12:20.370 acceptable in society so some of the psychological 00:12:20.370 --> 00:12:24.769 stuff that we've done that's been really quite 00:12:24.769 --> 00:12:28.240 mean and picking on very real challenges that 00:12:28.240 --> 00:12:33.120 you've had in your life yeah and sort of using 00:12:33.120 --> 00:12:36.100 using the negative using negative experiences 00:12:36.100 --> 00:12:39.080 you've had as a way of exercising that power 00:12:39.080 --> 00:12:42.120 and as a way of really leaning into that being 00:12:42.120 --> 00:12:44.720 mean because you're allowed to be yeah sort of 00:12:44.720 --> 00:12:49.740 thing is is just it's it's it's so exciting it's 00:12:49.740 --> 00:12:51.759 kind of almost intoxicating when you're allowed 00:12:51.759 --> 00:12:54.139 to to do that and i've struggled a little bit 00:12:54.139 --> 00:12:56.200 with some of that yeah But when we get it right, 00:12:56.399 --> 00:13:00.340 it's amazing. So I think, you know, kind of my 00:13:00.340 --> 00:13:04.580 interests in kink, I suppose, are taking 00:13:04.580 --> 00:13:07.139 those really socially unacceptable things, seeing 00:13:07.139 --> 00:13:09.000 what you, like you say, turning them into a game, 00:13:09.080 --> 00:13:11.659 kind of taking control of them. Helping you take 00:13:11.659 --> 00:13:15.179 control of some of that as well. And having a 00:13:15.179 --> 00:13:18.580 great time while we do it. And, you know, some 00:13:18.580 --> 00:13:19.919 of the scenes that we've done and some of the 00:13:19.919 --> 00:13:23.759 scenes that we're planning, just even five years 00:13:23.759 --> 00:13:26.419 ago before I met you. never in a million years 00:13:26.419 --> 00:13:30.179 that's just ridiculous yeah but you've really 00:13:30.179 --> 00:13:33.539 opened my eyes to actually it's okay to keep 00:13:33.539 --> 00:13:35.620 pushing those things as long as everybody's having 00:13:35.620 --> 00:13:38.639 fun it's having that sort of controlled escalation 00:13:38.639 --> 00:13:40.220 with it as well I think if you've gone from that 00:13:40.220 --> 00:13:42.059 first experience when you were in your late teens 00:13:42.889 --> 00:13:44.750 straight to the kind of stuff that we have done 00:13:44.750 --> 00:13:46.490 in the last couple of weeks yeah it would have 00:13:46.490 --> 00:13:48.470 it would have been psychologically dangerous 00:13:48.470 --> 00:13:50.370 for you even if physically everything had been 00:13:50.370 --> 00:13:52.830 done safely because that's too much of an escalation 00:13:52.830 --> 00:13:55.110 too fast but what you find or at least what i 00:13:55.110 --> 00:13:57.750 found is the more you start opening those boxes 00:13:57.750 --> 00:13:59.429 and rummaging around in those dark corners in 00:13:59.429 --> 00:14:02.830 your head the more stuff comes out yeah and and 00:14:02.830 --> 00:14:05.090 the more you find out about yourself and the 00:14:05.090 --> 00:14:06.789 more you want to explore and that doesn't mean 00:14:06.789 --> 00:14:08.330 that escalation is going to go on forever that 00:14:08.330 --> 00:14:10.129 there has to kind of be a limit at some point 00:14:10.129 --> 00:14:14.009 yeah um but it's it's often there is potential 00:14:14.009 --> 00:14:17.490 there that you have no idea exists yeah and often 00:14:17.490 --> 00:14:20.230 desires that you have no idea that you had i 00:14:20.230 --> 00:14:22.789 knew when i started exploring kink that i wanted 00:14:22.789 --> 00:14:25.090 a lot of the the physical aspects of what i do 00:14:25.090 --> 00:14:27.129 now but i never knew i wanted a ds relationship 00:14:27.129 --> 00:14:29.350 until i found myself in the first one yeah i 00:14:29.350 --> 00:14:32.279 was like oh that's the missing piece yeah yeah 00:14:32.279 --> 00:14:34.200 i think that's right and i think you know that 00:14:34.200 --> 00:14:37.120 this the type of ds relationship that we have 00:14:37.120 --> 00:14:40.340 is very different from ones i've had in the past 00:14:40.340 --> 00:14:43.899 so lots of control lots of very overt sort of 00:14:43.899 --> 00:14:49.460 pre -agreed control and and kind of um really 00:14:49.460 --> 00:14:53.500 strong kind of power exchange whereas those kind 00:14:53.500 --> 00:14:55.720 of dynamics i've had in the past have been more 00:14:55.720 --> 00:14:59.389 kind of caregiving type yeah dynamics making 00:14:59.389 --> 00:15:01.210 sure that the person is taking care of themselves 00:15:01.210 --> 00:15:02.809 and doing what they need to do and that's a really 00:15:02.809 --> 00:15:05.970 big part of ours as well but that extra layer 00:15:05.970 --> 00:15:10.590 of control and decision making and kind of taking 00:15:10.590 --> 00:15:13.990 your autonomy away yeah is is just adds a whole 00:15:13.990 --> 00:15:17.889 other dimension to it whilst also being really 00:15:17.889 --> 00:15:19.850 loving and really caring and really intimate 00:15:19.850 --> 00:15:21.789 and and kind of making sure that you're doing 00:15:21.789 --> 00:15:23.090 the things that you need to do and take care 00:15:23.090 --> 00:15:26.629 of yourself and all of that stuff it's just amazing 00:15:26.629 --> 00:15:31.039 it is OK, well, that's enough about me for a 00:15:31.039 --> 00:15:34.019 little bit, I think. I'll give you a break. Thank 00:15:34.019 --> 00:15:37.399 you very much. I appreciate it. So how about 00:15:37.399 --> 00:15:39.419 you? Talk to us about your kind of how you got 00:15:39.419 --> 00:15:43.070 started in exploring. Being a kinky person. Yeah, 00:15:43.169 --> 00:15:45.850 I mean, I feel I'm a little different from you 00:15:45.850 --> 00:15:47.490 where it wasn't so much a discovery for me as 00:15:47.490 --> 00:15:48.750 something that was always there that I had to 00:15:48.750 --> 00:15:52.809 come to accept, Mx. So I remember having what 00:15:52.809 --> 00:15:54.870 I would now recognise as kinky fantasies from 00:15:54.870 --> 00:15:57.049 as early as I can remember. Obviously, I wouldn't 00:15:57.049 --> 00:15:58.409 have thought about it in those terms at the time, 00:15:58.429 --> 00:16:00.710 but I remember being a really little kid and 00:16:00.710 --> 00:16:03.330 how I would relax to get myself to sleep is I 00:16:03.330 --> 00:16:05.570 would fantasise about being on the conveyor belt 00:16:05.570 --> 00:16:08.049 in a supermarket. And as I got to the front of 00:16:08.049 --> 00:16:11.129 the queue, the shop assistant would torture me. 00:16:11.830 --> 00:16:13.870 Sometimes like punching and kicking. Sometimes 00:16:13.870 --> 00:16:16.769 I would get dissected, like absolutely unhinged 00:16:16.769 --> 00:16:19.970 stuff. What kind of supermarkets were you going 00:16:19.970 --> 00:16:22.529 to as a child? I've tried to figure out the supermarket 00:16:22.529 --> 00:16:24.429 connection for a long time, because that's the 00:16:24.429 --> 00:16:27.490 bit that makes the least sense, really. I think 00:16:27.490 --> 00:16:29.409 it was because it was an environment where everything 00:16:29.409 --> 00:16:32.070 was bigger than me at that age. The counter was 00:16:32.070 --> 00:16:34.350 very high up. The people were all like giants. 00:16:34.570 --> 00:16:36.149 You know, it was a sort of quite intimidating, 00:16:36.350 --> 00:16:38.990 quite loud, quite bright environment. And I think 00:16:38.990 --> 00:16:42.450 it made me feel. less powerful and i think that's 00:16:42.450 --> 00:16:44.370 what was carrying over but i am not a psychologist 00:16:44.370 --> 00:16:46.149 i'm sure a psychologist would have a lovely time 00:16:46.149 --> 00:16:50.889 making sense of that dissect yeah maybe and that 00:16:50.889 --> 00:16:53.110 that just continued as i got older you know uh 00:16:53.110 --> 00:16:55.549 the kind of thoughts i was having became more 00:16:55.549 --> 00:16:57.610 sexual as i became more sexual as i got older 00:16:58.190 --> 00:17:01.350 And when I was about 16, I very, very briefly 00:17:01.350 --> 00:17:04.289 dated a guy who had an interest and what seemed 00:17:04.289 --> 00:17:07.690 at the time a lot of knowledge in BDSM. Looking 00:17:07.690 --> 00:17:10.109 back, I mean, I was 16, he was 17. We were both 00:17:10.109 --> 00:17:12.269 kids and we were both idiots, but he seemed to 00:17:12.269 --> 00:17:14.250 know a lot more than me. And I explored a few 00:17:14.250 --> 00:17:17.690 things with him. But because we were young and 00:17:17.690 --> 00:17:19.789 stupid, there was very little negotiation, like 00:17:19.789 --> 00:17:23.240 what you talked about. with us doing some stuff 00:17:23.240 --> 00:17:25.200 that was quite a bit more involved and i didn't 00:17:25.200 --> 00:17:28.059 understand what subspace was that sort of altered 00:17:28.059 --> 00:17:30.480 headspace that can happen when you submit and 00:17:30.480 --> 00:17:32.480 i ended up doing more than i was really prepared 00:17:32.480 --> 00:17:34.519 for and things that i wouldn't have agreed to 00:17:34.519 --> 00:17:36.599 if i hadn't been in that state but because i 00:17:36.599 --> 00:17:38.059 didn't know what it was i just freaked myself 00:17:38.059 --> 00:17:40.240 out i was like why on earth have i said yes to 00:17:40.240 --> 00:17:43.400 all this perverted stuff yeah and it freaked 00:17:43.400 --> 00:17:45.900 me out and i then Became very ashamed. I already 00:17:45.900 --> 00:17:47.500 had a lot of shame around the things I wanted, 00:17:47.539 --> 00:17:49.720 but I had even more after that. I was just confused 00:17:49.720 --> 00:17:52.259 and shut it all down for a long time. And it 00:17:52.259 --> 00:17:55.180 wasn't until I was 31 then that I started actually 00:17:55.180 --> 00:17:57.619 accepting it. I tried everything I could think 00:17:57.619 --> 00:17:59.599 of to shut down the kind of fantasies I had, 00:17:59.680 --> 00:18:02.960 shut down the desires I had. I'd had multiple 00:18:02.960 --> 00:18:04.900 unfulfilling relationships where something was 00:18:04.900 --> 00:18:06.660 missing and I didn't really know what and didn't 00:18:06.660 --> 00:18:10.140 want to know what. And then got to a point where 00:18:10.140 --> 00:18:11.559 I realized I was never going to be happy unless 00:18:11.559 --> 00:18:14.619 I figured that stuff out. And as I mentioned 00:18:14.619 --> 00:18:17.279 when we were talking about your starting point, 00:18:17.380 --> 00:18:20.279 I had no idea the box I was opening. Absolutely 00:18:20.279 --> 00:18:23.299 no idea. I thought what I basically wanted was 00:18:23.299 --> 00:18:25.920 rough sex, bit of CNC. I wanted my hair pulled 00:18:25.920 --> 00:18:27.400 and I wanted to be slapped and I wanted to be 00:18:27.400 --> 00:18:29.039 choked, which I now know is not the thing to 00:18:29.039 --> 00:18:33.859 do. Yes. Very unsafe. Yeah. But I thought that 00:18:33.859 --> 00:18:37.299 was kind of where it ended. And then once I did 00:18:37.299 --> 00:18:40.559 all of those things, I had that hunger for what 00:18:40.559 --> 00:18:43.539 was next. And one of the people that I played 00:18:43.539 --> 00:18:45.579 with early on, we ended up sort of falling into 00:18:45.579 --> 00:18:48.220 a, again, very poorly negotiated DS dynamic, 00:18:48.440 --> 00:18:52.259 quite unstructured, a lot of issues. But even 00:18:52.259 --> 00:18:54.519 just that little taste of it was enough that 00:18:54.519 --> 00:18:56.400 suddenly a lot of things in my life clicked into 00:18:56.400 --> 00:18:58.259 place. And it was like, this is why all of my 00:18:58.259 --> 00:19:00.920 relationships have felt. yeah like we're 100 00:19:00.920 --> 00:19:02.819 miles away from each other like we can't talk 00:19:02.819 --> 00:19:04.819 to each other like i don't know how to be intimate 00:19:04.819 --> 00:19:06.660 with this person and like i need to dissociate 00:19:06.660 --> 00:19:10.339 during sex like the one missing thing was that 00:19:10.339 --> 00:19:12.240 i wasn't submissive to those people and as soon 00:19:12.240 --> 00:19:14.660 as i had that yeah all of it just kind of fixed 00:19:14.660 --> 00:19:18.019 itself yeah yeah which is a really interesting 00:19:18.019 --> 00:19:20.119 kind of thing you have that almost like light 00:19:20.119 --> 00:19:22.519 bulb moment of going ah this is what i've been 00:19:22.519 --> 00:19:26.240 missing yeah all this time yeah which is amazing 00:19:26.240 --> 00:19:28.670 for you great for great that you worked that 00:19:28.670 --> 00:19:30.710 out so i suppose what's interesting is that is 00:19:30.710 --> 00:19:33.490 you had that progression from trying things out 00:19:33.490 --> 00:19:35.190 not being particularly successful with it having 00:19:35.190 --> 00:19:37.990 those relationships which in retrospect were 00:19:37.990 --> 00:19:40.190 kind of unfulfilling to working out that actually 00:19:40.190 --> 00:19:42.650 you are a submissive person you need a certain 00:19:42.650 --> 00:19:46.109 side of a relationship but then starting to explore 00:19:46.109 --> 00:19:47.849 just as we were talking before kind of pushing 00:19:47.849 --> 00:19:49.890 things a little bit further and exploring those 00:19:49.890 --> 00:19:53.970 kind of darker side of things things that are 00:19:53.970 --> 00:19:56.210 a little bit more extreme i suppose than than 00:19:56.210 --> 00:19:59.549 what people might be used to yeah How did that 00:19:59.549 --> 00:20:03.549 sort of come about? How did that develop? I think 00:20:03.549 --> 00:20:06.269 the progression for that started very much from 00:20:06.269 --> 00:20:08.190 when I started exploring consensual non -consent 00:20:08.190 --> 00:20:11.990 play. In that first sort of dynamic, almost dynamic 00:20:11.990 --> 00:20:15.509 that I had, we did a little bit of rape role 00:20:15.509 --> 00:20:18.069 play. And that was something that I wanted to 00:20:18.069 --> 00:20:20.369 ask for and didn't have the confidence for. And 00:20:20.369 --> 00:20:22.869 then it ended up, so we just kind of developed 00:20:22.869 --> 00:20:26.369 into that. And it was probably the fantasy I've 00:20:26.369 --> 00:20:28.740 had the most shame around. it was the fantasy 00:20:28.740 --> 00:20:31.500 i had the most shame around and i had tried a 00:20:31.500 --> 00:20:34.259 lot of really really self -destructive ways to 00:20:34.259 --> 00:20:35.920 get rid of that it was a big driving force of 00:20:35.920 --> 00:20:37.460 my drug addiction because there were drugs i 00:20:37.460 --> 00:20:38.920 could use to shut my sex drive down and that 00:20:38.920 --> 00:20:40.980 would stop those thoughts it was that level of 00:20:40.980 --> 00:20:42.500 shame where i would rather poison myself than 00:20:42.500 --> 00:20:46.259 accept it yeah um and i again realized i had 00:20:46.259 --> 00:20:48.500 to accept it and i started exploring that and 00:20:48.500 --> 00:20:51.019 i was still dealing with the shame and i talked 00:20:51.019 --> 00:20:54.799 to a friend of mine who really kind of built 00:20:54.799 --> 00:20:56.160 the foundation of a lot of my thoughts around 00:20:56.160 --> 00:20:59.140 kink now where they explained it to me as kink 00:20:59.140 --> 00:21:03.119 and particularly things like cnc is adults playing 00:21:03.119 --> 00:21:05.559 with fear the same for the same reasons that 00:21:05.559 --> 00:21:07.819 children do children play at things like car 00:21:07.819 --> 00:21:09.920 crashes of their toy cars and they play at hospitals 00:21:09.920 --> 00:21:11.880 like kids come up with some really dark games 00:21:11.880 --> 00:21:14.279 even even kids who aren't as unhinged as i 00:21:14.279 --> 00:21:16.599 was come up with some horrifying things you walk 00:21:16.599 --> 00:21:18.220 in on them and it's like what are you doing to 00:21:18.220 --> 00:21:20.680 your toys yeah and that's because they're making 00:21:20.680 --> 00:21:22.759 sense of the world and cutting it down to size 00:21:22.759 --> 00:21:26.079 and that's what we continue doing as adults and 00:21:26.079 --> 00:21:27.500 some of us do it through kink some of it doing 00:21:27.500 --> 00:21:31.019 through horror movies through like video games 00:21:31.019 --> 00:21:33.960 that involve a lot of violence through all of 00:21:33.960 --> 00:21:37.079 these things extreme sports yeah all of it is 00:21:37.079 --> 00:21:39.579 about taking our fears and making them manageable 00:21:39.579 --> 00:21:41.980 by turning them into games and once i started 00:21:41.980 --> 00:21:43.640 thinking of that kind of play in that context 00:21:43.640 --> 00:21:46.900 i shed a lot of my shame around it and then i 00:21:46.900 --> 00:21:50.660 went after it full force and had that desire 00:21:50.660 --> 00:21:53.599 to see how far i could take that style of play 00:21:53.599 --> 00:21:55.460 those kind of feelings that i got during play 00:21:55.460 --> 00:21:57.849 yeah Because it was the only time in my life 00:21:57.849 --> 00:22:00.410 I'd ever felt fully uninhibited and fully present. 00:22:00.910 --> 00:22:03.730 The first few times that I did really sort of 00:22:03.730 --> 00:22:06.809 realistic rape play scenes, I just felt like 00:22:06.809 --> 00:22:09.710 I had permission to get really ugly. Yeah. And 00:22:09.710 --> 00:22:11.990 really messy. I'm going to make myself emotional 00:22:11.990 --> 00:22:16.549 now. It was just so freeing to finally be able 00:22:16.549 --> 00:22:20.490 to just be the mess of a human that I am and 00:22:20.490 --> 00:22:25.400 let all of my anger and... pain and just chaos 00:22:25.400 --> 00:22:28.539 out in a controlled environment yeah and that 00:22:28.539 --> 00:22:30.579 made me want to explore other types of play that 00:22:30.579 --> 00:22:31.920 could give me that kind of feeling and it turns 00:22:31.920 --> 00:22:34.619 out there's a lot of them yes yes there are and 00:22:34.619 --> 00:22:36.259 there's been a couple of things that we've done 00:22:36.259 --> 00:22:38.460 by the time that we've been together where you've 00:22:38.460 --> 00:22:43.220 had that really you can see the all the physical 00:22:43.220 --> 00:22:47.019 release yeah of all of that stuff that gets stuck 00:22:47.019 --> 00:22:49.099 in your head and you've had to deal with and 00:22:49.099 --> 00:22:52.799 have to process and it's you know it's hard to 00:22:52.799 --> 00:22:54.920 see sometimes but kind of understanding it in 00:22:54.920 --> 00:22:57.019 that context and understanding that it's done 00:22:57.019 --> 00:22:59.759 in the safest way possible yeah it's just it's 00:22:59.759 --> 00:23:03.200 it can be beautiful as as well and you know you 00:23:03.200 --> 00:23:06.059 get a lot out of you get as much out of it as 00:23:06.059 --> 00:23:08.359 as i do for doing it and being mean to you and 00:23:08.359 --> 00:23:11.720 doing those things uh which is yeah it's just 00:23:11.720 --> 00:23:15.359 awesome so another thing that i'm fascinated 00:23:15.359 --> 00:23:20.799 by because i am by nature an anxious dog um You 00:23:20.799 --> 00:23:23.039 spend a lot of time talking to the internet about 00:23:23.039 --> 00:23:27.380 kink and about the things that you do, the things 00:23:27.380 --> 00:23:29.640 that we do, a lot of the topics that you've just 00:23:29.640 --> 00:23:32.359 talked about, like shame and all of that, those 00:23:32.359 --> 00:23:35.960 kind of things. Why do you do that? Why do you 00:23:35.960 --> 00:23:39.500 have a TikTok? Why do you do what you do? I think 00:23:39.500 --> 00:23:42.220 it was a natural progression from just how open 00:23:42.220 --> 00:23:44.240 I am in general. I don't just talk to the internet 00:23:44.240 --> 00:23:48.279 about this. I talk to friends. have talked to 00:23:48.279 --> 00:23:50.900 family about this i talk to people who have no 00:23:50.900 --> 00:23:53.440 experience of of kink obviously i don't talk 00:23:53.440 --> 00:23:56.519 to people who don't want to hear it but i i share 00:23:56.519 --> 00:24:00.079 this stuff with people Mx because i had an experience 00:24:00.079 --> 00:24:01.619 when i was struggling with drug addiction where 00:24:01.619 --> 00:24:03.859 someone outed me as a drug addict without without 00:24:03.859 --> 00:24:06.480 my consent uh to try to prevent me from having 00:24:06.480 --> 00:24:09.579 an opportunity that that i had um and i'd been 00:24:09.579 --> 00:24:11.539 keeping that a secret from almost everybody there 00:24:11.539 --> 00:24:13.019 were maybe three or four people at that point 00:24:13.019 --> 00:24:16.119 who knew what i was going through And I realised 00:24:16.119 --> 00:24:18.839 that I had given that secret so much power. And 00:24:18.839 --> 00:24:20.559 the thing is, that person outing me didn't actually 00:24:20.559 --> 00:24:22.279 have a negative consequence in the end. I'd applied 00:24:22.279 --> 00:24:24.940 to do some work with a charity. And when they 00:24:24.940 --> 00:24:26.940 heard about it, they obviously called me into 00:24:26.940 --> 00:24:28.480 a meeting to find out a little bit more about 00:24:28.480 --> 00:24:30.740 it and how it was affecting me. But ultimately, 00:24:30.759 --> 00:24:32.480 they decided they did want to work with me because 00:24:32.480 --> 00:24:34.619 they thought it would give me a different perspective. 00:24:36.269 --> 00:24:38.089 potentially like connections and communities 00:24:38.089 --> 00:24:40.109 that they didn't have and they saw it as an asset 00:24:40.109 --> 00:24:42.049 they didn't give me a job handling money which 00:24:42.049 --> 00:24:45.130 was probably smart but you know they were they 00:24:45.130 --> 00:24:47.690 were willing to work with me where i was at and 00:24:47.690 --> 00:24:50.289 it just completely changed my perspective on 00:24:50.289 --> 00:24:53.609 on who holds the power with a secret i'd always 00:24:53.609 --> 00:24:55.930 thought if i keep the things i'm ashamed of secret 00:24:55.930 --> 00:24:58.950 and private then i have control i have control 00:24:58.950 --> 00:25:01.799 over how much that affects me And actually, all 00:25:01.799 --> 00:25:04.279 I'm doing is handing control over to anybody 00:25:04.279 --> 00:25:06.359 who chooses to use that against me if they find 00:25:06.359 --> 00:25:08.400 that information. Yeah. Where if I'm the one 00:25:08.400 --> 00:25:11.940 that tells people, it's mine. Like, no one can 00:25:11.940 --> 00:25:13.500 say anything to me that I haven't already said. 00:25:13.619 --> 00:25:15.599 Yeah. No one can take anything away from me that 00:25:15.599 --> 00:25:17.880 I haven't already given. Yeah. And it takes that 00:25:17.880 --> 00:25:20.000 power back. With Kink especially, I think because 00:25:20.000 --> 00:25:21.680 of the journey that I had with Shame, where it 00:25:21.680 --> 00:25:23.799 literally nearly killed me. I don't want anyone 00:25:23.799 --> 00:25:26.359 else living in that situation. Yeah. When I was 00:25:26.359 --> 00:25:28.660 at the worst point of my shame, you know, I was 00:25:28.660 --> 00:25:31.289 lying to people. and saying i managed to cure 00:25:31.289 --> 00:25:33.250 my rape fantasies and if you don't you're a bad 00:25:33.250 --> 00:25:35.910 person and i was giving that shame to other people 00:25:35.910 --> 00:25:38.009 and then going home and wanking about rape yeah 00:25:38.009 --> 00:25:42.630 i was not cured yeah um and i don't want anyone 00:25:42.630 --> 00:25:45.410 else feeling that way and acting that way for 00:25:45.410 --> 00:25:48.130 themselves and for other people it's there's 00:25:48.130 --> 00:25:51.200 a better way of living And I did fall into TikTok 00:25:51.200 --> 00:25:52.839 by accident, but that's the thing that's kept 00:25:52.839 --> 00:25:54.680 me going with it, even when it's sometimes a 00:25:54.680 --> 00:25:58.599 bit stressful and a bit chaotic, is I know that 00:25:58.599 --> 00:26:00.259 there will be people out there that need to hear 00:26:00.259 --> 00:26:03.039 that. Yeah, yeah. Those kind of two things, like 00:26:03.039 --> 00:26:06.019 taking control for yourself, but showing other 00:26:06.019 --> 00:26:09.160 people that it's okay. I would have needed to 00:26:09.160 --> 00:26:10.900 have that openness first. I think if I'd learned 00:26:10.900 --> 00:26:13.720 the openness doing TikTok, I would have freaked 00:26:13.720 --> 00:26:17.740 out. But because I already had that sort of approach 00:26:17.740 --> 00:26:20.519 where... Once I started doing kink, I wanted 00:26:20.519 --> 00:26:22.640 everyone around me to be aware of it. So it wasn't 00:26:22.640 --> 00:26:25.420 a shameful secret. The idea of posting about 00:26:25.420 --> 00:26:27.880 it online then wasn't massively. It's like all 00:26:27.880 --> 00:26:29.740 the people whose opinion I actually value already 00:26:29.740 --> 00:26:32.039 know about this and accept me. Then what power 00:26:32.039 --> 00:26:33.779 do people on the internet really have? Yeah. 00:26:33.839 --> 00:26:36.400 Complete strangers. You know, that's not going 00:26:36.400 --> 00:26:37.559 to be the thing that makes the difference one 00:26:37.559 --> 00:26:40.440 way or the other. Yeah. That's a very healthy 00:26:40.440 --> 00:26:42.500 attitude to have. So we should probably talk 00:26:42.500 --> 00:26:44.660 a little bit about why you call me what you call 00:26:44.660 --> 00:26:47.559 me. You call me Mx. I do. Rather than by using 00:26:47.559 --> 00:26:49.970 my name. And that's quite an important part of 00:26:49.970 --> 00:26:54.269 our dynamic. Yeah. Is how we refer to each other 00:26:54.269 --> 00:26:58.269 and how we act and kind of the protocol. Yes. 00:26:58.509 --> 00:27:02.089 Around our relationship. Yeah. And I think there's 00:27:02.089 --> 00:27:03.529 definitely, there's a whole episode in protocol. 00:27:03.670 --> 00:27:06.130 I'm sure we'll get to that. But seeing as this 00:27:06.130 --> 00:27:07.609 is the introduction episode, it's probably a 00:27:07.609 --> 00:27:09.930 good idea to let people know why they might hear 00:27:09.930 --> 00:27:12.130 us talking a little bit differently from the 00:27:12.130 --> 00:27:15.049 average person. So the rules that we have. are 00:27:15.049 --> 00:27:17.369 one of the many many rules that we have is that 00:27:17.369 --> 00:27:20.589 when you ask me a question or when i ask you 00:27:20.589 --> 00:27:24.509 a question i i use Mx to address you so if i 00:27:24.509 --> 00:27:27.170 want to get your attention i'd be like can you 00:27:27.170 --> 00:27:30.529 pay lots of attention to me please Mx yes yes 00:27:30.529 --> 00:27:33.190 that that's exactly how you do it yeah and that 00:27:33.190 --> 00:27:35.589 i wear really little shorts yeah that's yeah 00:27:35.589 --> 00:27:38.740 speaking without words Yeah. Usually. I'm a very 00:27:38.740 --> 00:27:40.319 skilled communicator like that. You are. You 00:27:40.319 --> 00:27:41.940 are excellent like that. Oh, which is probably 00:27:41.940 --> 00:27:44.859 just in case people don't know, Mx is a gender 00:27:44.859 --> 00:27:48.160 neutral honorific. Yes. Like Mr. or Mrs. would 00:27:48.160 --> 00:27:50.200 be for someone who identifies as a man or a woman. 00:27:50.279 --> 00:27:53.039 Yeah. I also use Mx as my title. You know, no 00:27:53.039 --> 00:27:55.460 one's calling me in that sort of formal, respectful 00:27:55.460 --> 00:27:57.660 way that I do with you. But that, if you're writing 00:27:57.660 --> 00:28:00.200 me a letter, it would be Mx kirizal. Yes. So 00:28:00.200 --> 00:28:03.700 you call me Mx. I do. I tend to call you baby 00:28:03.700 --> 00:28:06.500 boy. Yes. When we're talking to each other, I 00:28:06.500 --> 00:28:08.339 have a variety of other names I use for you in 00:28:08.339 --> 00:28:11.819 very different situations. But I get my name 00:28:11.819 --> 00:28:14.799 for the purposes of this podcast, and it's probably 00:28:14.799 --> 00:28:18.200 going to be S, as in sugar. That is not my name. 00:28:18.240 --> 00:28:20.680 My name is not sugar. Going to start a conspiracy 00:28:20.680 --> 00:28:26.039 theory that it is. Start seeing comments on your 00:28:26.039 --> 00:28:30.660 TikToks, how's sugar? But that's, you know, the 00:28:30.660 --> 00:28:32.660 way that we refer to each other is one of... 00:28:32.940 --> 00:28:35.819 A whole bunch of little rules that kind of are 00:28:35.819 --> 00:28:38.400 just part of day -to -day life and we don't really 00:28:38.400 --> 00:28:43.079 think about them. Our list of rules is five typed 00:28:43.079 --> 00:28:46.440 pages now, I think. Wow. Yeah, after we updated 00:28:46.440 --> 00:28:49.880 it earlier on, which is, you know, consider where 00:28:49.880 --> 00:28:53.380 we started. Yes, it was a little tiny note in 00:28:53.380 --> 00:28:57.319 Google keep, I guess, with about five rules on 00:28:57.319 --> 00:29:00.450 it. Yeah, one of which was eat a meal. Yeah, 00:29:00.529 --> 00:29:02.089 we've still got that one. Still got eat a meal. 00:29:02.089 --> 00:29:05.829 I do sometimes need reminding, so. Yes, especially 00:29:05.829 --> 00:29:09.150 when you're having wine business meetings. I 00:29:09.150 --> 00:29:10.950 enjoyed my wine and my business meeting and I 00:29:10.950 --> 00:29:12.829 did eat a meal when I got home. You did, you 00:29:12.829 --> 00:29:14.970 were very good. You were very good. Yeah, we 00:29:14.970 --> 00:29:17.069 have obviously a lot of rules and quite a lot 00:29:17.069 --> 00:29:19.529 of protocol as well. There's a lot with sort 00:29:19.529 --> 00:29:22.029 of how I position myself when we go out, things 00:29:22.029 --> 00:29:24.269 like opening doors, loads of things. And one 00:29:24.269 --> 00:29:26.130 of the things that I really enjoy about protocol 00:29:26.130 --> 00:29:28.569 is I think couples in general, not just kinky 00:29:28.569 --> 00:29:31.029 couples, everybody. sometimes loses time and 00:29:31.029 --> 00:29:34.029 space for intimacy in a relationship um when 00:29:34.029 --> 00:29:35.970 with kink that can be about just not having time 00:29:35.970 --> 00:29:38.210 to plan a scene and not having time to go to 00:29:38.210 --> 00:29:40.549 loads of events and things like that but with 00:29:40.549 --> 00:29:42.230 everybody it can be things like sex starting 00:29:42.230 --> 00:29:44.150 to decline in a long -term relationship even 00:29:44.150 --> 00:29:46.250 little bits of affection like kissing and cuddling 00:29:46.250 --> 00:29:48.529 and remembering to say i love you and stuff like 00:29:48.529 --> 00:29:50.980 it sounds It sounds like it's the stuff that 00:29:50.980 --> 00:29:52.819 you shouldn't be able to forget, but people just 00:29:52.819 --> 00:29:55.839 slip into routines and things do get lost. Having 00:29:55.839 --> 00:29:58.380 a formal agreed protocol that is part of the 00:29:58.380 --> 00:30:00.319 way that we express love to each other means 00:30:00.319 --> 00:30:02.339 that physically can't happen. Or if it does, 00:30:02.420 --> 00:30:05.200 I'm in trouble. I'll have actually broken a rule. 00:30:05.319 --> 00:30:07.859 We identify a problem as soon as it starts instead 00:30:07.859 --> 00:30:11.140 of things gradually sliding away. Having fairly 00:30:11.140 --> 00:30:13.539 high protocol feels like I have a really strong 00:30:13.539 --> 00:30:15.480 tie to the dynamic. And because of that, a really 00:30:15.480 --> 00:30:18.859 strong tie to you. that can't just sort of drop 00:30:18.859 --> 00:30:22.119 out of the forefront of my mind. Yeah. And it's, 00:30:22.119 --> 00:30:25.819 it's that daily, it's that daily reminder of, 00:30:26.000 --> 00:30:28.359 of, of what we're doing. Yeah. You know, not, 00:30:28.420 --> 00:30:31.140 not just within our kind of relationship, but 00:30:31.140 --> 00:30:33.539 within our, that, that wider dynamic. And, you 00:30:33.539 --> 00:30:35.779 know, we go through peaks and troughs, I suppose, 00:30:35.839 --> 00:30:38.640 like any couple in any type of relationship would 00:30:38.640 --> 00:30:41.079 in terms of the, the kind of the, the sexual 00:30:41.079 --> 00:30:43.019 intimacy and the things that we do. And we did 00:30:43.019 --> 00:30:45.000 some, some months we do loads of scenes, some 00:30:45.000 --> 00:30:49.420 months we don't do as many. but that those things 00:30:49.420 --> 00:30:51.400 the way that you referred to me the side of the 00:30:51.400 --> 00:30:52.920 street that you walk on the fact that you're 00:30:52.920 --> 00:30:56.400 open doors all of those things are there every 00:30:56.400 --> 00:30:59.880 day really rooting us in yeah what we're trying 00:30:59.880 --> 00:31:01.799 to do and what we're trying to achieve yeah in 00:31:01.799 --> 00:31:03.700 our in our relationship and i think you're right 00:31:03.700 --> 00:31:05.660 i think a lot of couples regardless of the type 00:31:05.660 --> 00:31:08.920 of relationship they have would be a lot stronger 00:31:08.920 --> 00:31:10.880 from kind of being more conscious about those 00:31:10.880 --> 00:31:14.710 little things that yeah we barely notice like 00:31:14.710 --> 00:31:17.049 on a day -to -day basis that you you notice them 00:31:17.049 --> 00:31:18.650 but you don't notice them if that makes sense 00:31:18.650 --> 00:31:21.269 they're just part of the background tapestry 00:31:21.269 --> 00:31:24.589 of our of our life but it reminds you it puts 00:31:24.589 --> 00:31:26.309 you back in the relationship it reminds you what 00:31:26.309 --> 00:31:29.190 we're what we're about which is lush yeah yeah 00:31:29.190 --> 00:31:30.990 i really like it and protocol was something i 00:31:30.990 --> 00:31:32.710 hadn't explored a lot before our relationship 00:31:32.710 --> 00:31:34.869 there was a little bit with my most recent ex 00:31:34.869 --> 00:31:37.309 but not to the level that that we've taken into 00:31:37.309 --> 00:31:40.119 and you've really sort of broadened my mind with 00:31:40.119 --> 00:31:42.140 with protocol and introduced a lot of ideas i 00:31:42.140 --> 00:31:43.420 would never just never would have thought of 00:31:43.420 --> 00:31:46.259 on my own and i knew that it was something that 00:31:46.259 --> 00:31:49.119 i wanted to explore more but it's like like we 00:31:49.119 --> 00:31:51.160 opened the box like we talked about yeah yeah 00:31:51.160 --> 00:31:54.599 and all of this love of protocol is in there 00:31:54.599 --> 00:31:57.039 and we have ended up a lot higher protocol than 00:31:57.039 --> 00:31:58.640 i thought i would ever want and now i wouldn't 00:31:58.640 --> 00:32:01.640 want it any other way yeah Yeah, I think it gets 00:32:01.640 --> 00:32:03.420 a bit of a bad rep sometimes, high protocol. 00:32:03.720 --> 00:32:05.759 Yeah. Because you kind of, I think I was probably 00:32:05.759 --> 00:32:08.640 guilty of this, of assuming that if someone is 00:32:08.640 --> 00:32:11.740 in a high, what you call a high protocol dynamic, 00:32:12.039 --> 00:32:16.380 it's very formal and very stiff, kind of a little 00:32:16.380 --> 00:32:18.720 bit cold. Yeah. I guess if that's what people 00:32:18.720 --> 00:32:22.740 enjoy, then... It can be. It can be. But actually, 00:32:22.900 --> 00:32:26.500 high protocol can also be chilling out on the 00:32:26.500 --> 00:32:29.700 sofa, in our pyjamas, watching telly, eating. 00:32:30.250 --> 00:32:32.309 greasy meats from the kebab shop kind of kind 00:32:32.309 --> 00:32:34.910 of thing it can still be fun and goofy and light 00:32:34.910 --> 00:32:39.690 but no less meaningful yeah as a result of that 00:32:39.690 --> 00:32:41.630 it's funny i only just realized that we were 00:32:41.630 --> 00:32:43.789 high protocol like literally about a week ago 00:32:43.789 --> 00:32:47.230 yeah yeah um because i had made a video about 00:32:47.230 --> 00:32:49.670 protocol on tiktok and said you know there's 00:32:49.670 --> 00:32:51.609 kind of a spectrum from really low or no protocol 00:32:51.609 --> 00:32:53.769 up to really high protocol and me and mix are 00:32:53.769 --> 00:32:55.369 somewhere in the middle and i got a comment you 00:32:55.369 --> 00:32:56.809 know because i then described all of our protocols 00:32:56.809 --> 00:32:58.289 yeah yeah and i got a comment from someone being 00:32:58.289 --> 00:33:01.200 like If you're not high protocol, what is? Yeah. 00:33:01.359 --> 00:33:03.839 I was like, I need a comeback for this. But I 00:33:03.839 --> 00:33:06.779 do not have one because you might be right. And 00:33:06.779 --> 00:33:08.160 then we were trying to think of more protocol 00:33:08.160 --> 00:33:10.460 to add. And it's like, there's not actually a 00:33:10.460 --> 00:33:14.140 lot left. Unless we go, as we said, like very 00:33:14.140 --> 00:33:18.640 sort of coldly formal. Like no sort of joking 00:33:18.640 --> 00:33:20.700 around, no cheekiness, none of the goofiness 00:33:20.700 --> 00:33:23.720 and softer side, which we don't want to lose. 00:33:24.200 --> 00:33:25.980 yeah but actually none of that does take away 00:33:25.980 --> 00:33:28.259 from the protocol it affects the flavor of it 00:33:28.259 --> 00:33:30.559 it's not yeah it's not higher or lower it's just 00:33:30.559 --> 00:33:33.140 different yeah there are probably things we could 00:33:33.140 --> 00:33:35.819 add but that would probably say would detract 00:33:35.819 --> 00:33:38.259 from the style of our relationship anyway you 00:33:38.259 --> 00:33:41.039 know kind of you know we were at an event yesterday 00:33:41.039 --> 00:33:43.660 and some another couple were doing some protocol 00:33:43.660 --> 00:33:45.579 where they weren't allowed to make eye contact 00:33:45.579 --> 00:33:47.819 with their dominant yeah that sounds great for 00:33:47.819 --> 00:33:50.710 an evening yeah three or four hours on a thursday 00:33:50.710 --> 00:33:52.869 evening sort of thing that sounds great but doing 00:33:52.869 --> 00:33:55.849 that all the time i think we'd lose you would 00:33:55.849 --> 00:33:57.890 lose something lose some of the connection you 00:33:57.890 --> 00:34:00.009 would lose yeah that connection but you're right 00:34:00.009 --> 00:34:02.829 i can't think of really struggle to think of 00:34:02.829 --> 00:34:05.369 more rules and more problems we can we can add 00:34:05.369 --> 00:34:10.530 yeah and that's okay it is yeah yeah the escalation 00:34:10.530 --> 00:34:12.519 is a lot of fun but it doesn't have to go on 00:34:12.519 --> 00:34:14.179 forever there has to be a stopping point at some 00:34:14.179 --> 00:34:16.440 point especially with physical play because otherwise 00:34:16.440 --> 00:34:19.519 we'd just end up with me in hospital yeah nobody 00:34:19.519 --> 00:34:21.380 wants that i don't want to have to explain to 00:34:21.380 --> 00:34:23.800 a doctor what's happened to you no i just drop 00:34:23.800 --> 00:34:26.280 you off at the door yeah that that is what i 00:34:26.280 --> 00:34:29.119 would encourage absolutely So this podcast is 00:34:29.119 --> 00:34:31.019 called Don't Scare the Newbies. And I thought 00:34:31.019 --> 00:34:33.440 we'd wrap up by talking about why we called it 00:34:33.440 --> 00:34:35.300 that. And I was going to say we came up with 00:34:35.300 --> 00:34:36.980 the name, but I came up with the name before 00:34:36.980 --> 00:34:39.059 you'd agreed to do the podcast. And I've inflicted 00:34:39.059 --> 00:34:41.420 it on you. But you didn't object. No, it's a 00:34:41.420 --> 00:34:43.139 good name. And I think I need to get some credit. 00:34:44.039 --> 00:34:46.559 The reason I thought of that was that is a phrase 00:34:46.559 --> 00:34:48.099 that I've heard quite a lot since I joined the 00:34:48.099 --> 00:34:50.099 kink scene. And it is outside of the context 00:34:50.099 --> 00:34:52.900 of my... our awesome podcast that we're starting 00:34:52.900 --> 00:34:55.320 it is a phrase that annoys the shit out of me 00:34:55.320 --> 00:34:59.000 yeah um it's it's really frustrating so there's 00:34:59.000 --> 00:35:01.300 kind of attitude not at all with everyone on 00:35:01.300 --> 00:35:03.760 the kink scene um a lot of people are definitely 00:35:03.760 --> 00:35:05.260 starting to move beyond this and have a more 00:35:05.260 --> 00:35:07.639 open mind but an idea that people who are new 00:35:07.639 --> 00:35:10.840 to kink aren't ready to see certain play styles 00:35:10.840 --> 00:35:13.980 certain types of dynamics that they aren't going 00:35:13.980 --> 00:35:16.059 to be ready to handle a certain level of event 00:35:16.059 --> 00:35:19.480 yeah which i find for a start quite patronizing 00:35:19.480 --> 00:35:23.360 but also didn't really acknowledge my experience 00:35:23.360 --> 00:35:25.920 as a newbie coming in as someone who was already 00:35:25.920 --> 00:35:27.820 starting to before I started going to events 00:35:27.820 --> 00:35:31.019 really realized that I wanted quite extreme things 00:35:31.019 --> 00:35:33.980 yeah and what I was looking for from events was 00:35:33.980 --> 00:35:36.760 people that I could relate to who were going 00:35:36.760 --> 00:35:38.800 kink in the way that I wanted to do kink or was 00:35:38.800 --> 00:35:41.940 already starting to do kink yeah and hearing 00:35:41.940 --> 00:35:43.579 conversations kind of shut down and being like 00:35:43.579 --> 00:35:45.460 that's not suitable for newbies when it was the 00:35:45.460 --> 00:35:49.030 specific reason I was there yeah maybe that's 00:35:49.030 --> 00:35:51.190 the thing that scares me is is being the only 00:35:51.190 --> 00:35:53.969 one being like the lone pervert who has tastes 00:35:53.969 --> 00:35:56.230 that make you unlovable and unrelatable yeah yeah 00:35:56.230 --> 00:35:58.550 yeah it's not seeing someone do something a bit 00:35:58.550 --> 00:36:01.849 weird in a in a group of people who are already 00:36:01.849 --> 00:36:04.550 considered different and strange and somehow 00:36:04.550 --> 00:36:07.429 other from the rest of mainstream society you're 00:36:07.429 --> 00:36:11.070 the one in that group that is different and strange 00:36:11.070 --> 00:36:15.070 and other yeah um because of it yeah i think 00:36:15.070 --> 00:36:17.699 that's i think Because, you know, I'm fairly 00:36:17.699 --> 00:36:20.780 new to the kink scene, to the kink community. 00:36:21.119 --> 00:36:24.900 Yeah. But I wouldn't call myself a newbie. No. 00:36:24.980 --> 00:36:27.320 You know, I haven't been doing kink constantly 00:36:27.320 --> 00:36:30.920 since I was 19, but I've got, you know, 20 years 00:36:30.920 --> 00:36:34.280 of experience of doing this stuff. I'm not a 00:36:34.280 --> 00:36:36.420 newbie. I was new to the scene. Yeah. Which is 00:36:36.420 --> 00:36:38.869 a different thing. It is. And I had people calling 00:36:38.869 --> 00:36:40.909 me a newbie when I'd been on the scene for about 00:36:40.909 --> 00:36:42.730 a year because I hadn't been to play events. 00:36:42.949 --> 00:36:45.130 So by that point, I was a year into a Total Power 00:36:45.130 --> 00:36:48.150 Exchange dynamic. I was going to say I'd done 00:36:48.150 --> 00:36:50.130 everything I could think of. I've now done more. 00:36:50.570 --> 00:36:52.889 But I had done a lot. I had done a lot of some 00:36:52.889 --> 00:36:55.949 pretty intense stuff. I was living this 24 -7. 00:36:56.010 --> 00:36:58.250 And I was regularly going to events, social events. 00:36:58.769 --> 00:37:02.329 And I had a few people refer to me continuously 00:37:02.329 --> 00:37:05.820 as a newbie. after being told to stop because 00:37:05.820 --> 00:37:08.239 I hadn't played in public. So I was a bit of 00:37:08.239 --> 00:37:10.019 an unknown quantity, but I also wasn't playing 00:37:10.019 --> 00:37:11.159 with them. So it was none of their business. 00:37:12.039 --> 00:37:14.820 So, yeah, I think there's the way that newbie 00:37:14.820 --> 00:37:17.199 is defined and the way that people assume newbies 00:37:17.199 --> 00:37:20.880 need to be pushed out of certain things is a 00:37:20.880 --> 00:37:23.820 barrier to people that isn't helpful. And what 00:37:23.820 --> 00:37:26.260 I want to do is, you know, destigmatize kink, 00:37:26.280 --> 00:37:28.099 particularly destigmatize some of the scary, 00:37:28.119 --> 00:37:30.619 the weird, the gross, the extreme, the sexual, 00:37:30.659 --> 00:37:32.260 all those things that people want to kind of 00:37:32.260 --> 00:37:35.090 gatekeep newbies from. We kind of have to start 00:37:35.090 --> 00:37:38.869 that by challenging the idea that you must be 00:37:38.869 --> 00:37:42.269 a certain level of graduated in kink before you 00:37:42.269 --> 00:37:44.610 can have access to that knowledge. Yeah, yeah, 00:37:44.710 --> 00:37:48.050 I get that. I think to be fair, I don't necessarily 00:37:48.050 --> 00:37:50.809 think that it comes from a negative place. I 00:37:50.809 --> 00:37:55.050 think that idea that especially if you're running 00:37:55.050 --> 00:37:58.050 an event, you want people to feel safe and welcome 00:37:58.050 --> 00:38:01.530 and one version of that. is to try and kind of 00:38:01.530 --> 00:38:03.969 make it feel tame tame isn't quite the right 00:38:03.969 --> 00:38:06.949 word but you know what i mean kind of sanitize 00:38:06.949 --> 00:38:08.949 it a little bit it feels more comfortable for 00:38:08.949 --> 00:38:12.429 people but i think you end up like you say creating 00:38:12.429 --> 00:38:14.210 more of a barrier there because if you've got 00:38:14.210 --> 00:38:16.010 someone who's going to their first kink event 00:38:16.010 --> 00:38:20.690 and they they have wild extreme fantasies the 00:38:20.690 --> 00:38:22.449 kind of things that you talked about earlier 00:38:22.449 --> 00:38:26.030 on and probably carrying shame about that They're 00:38:26.030 --> 00:38:27.829 not going to necessarily feel comfortable in 00:38:27.829 --> 00:38:29.929 that space if everything around them is deliberately 00:38:29.929 --> 00:38:33.809 being kind of tamped down. Yeah. And they don't 00:38:33.809 --> 00:38:35.570 have access to that. It's like, well, if I can't 00:38:35.570 --> 00:38:38.190 go here, where can I go? And having to prove 00:38:38.190 --> 00:38:40.329 that you're ready to experience those things 00:38:40.329 --> 00:38:42.409 and see those things and talk about those things. 00:38:42.789 --> 00:38:46.389 Yeah. You know, we've both been at events where 00:38:46.389 --> 00:38:48.869 the stuff that we're talking about, someone has 00:38:48.869 --> 00:38:50.489 said, let's not talk about that. And it's like, 00:38:50.530 --> 00:38:53.730 well, but that's what we do. yeah that's our 00:38:53.730 --> 00:38:56.309 version of kink this is a space where we should 00:38:56.309 --> 00:38:59.550 be able to express those things there's a risk 00:38:59.550 --> 00:39:01.710 isn't there you you talked about coming into 00:39:01.710 --> 00:39:06.789 kink with a lot of shame and kind of repressing 00:39:06.789 --> 00:39:10.630 a lot which was unhealthy for you there's a danger 00:39:10.630 --> 00:39:13.190 that we just perpetuate that there is within 00:39:13.190 --> 00:39:15.989 our within our within our community yeah if we 00:39:15.989 --> 00:39:19.230 if we don't kind of embrace everybody and understand 00:39:19.230 --> 00:39:23.369 that people play at different levels I think 00:39:23.369 --> 00:39:25.429 some of what's happened, and some of what's happened 00:39:25.429 --> 00:39:27.110 is because of a good thing happening, is that 00:39:27.110 --> 00:39:28.929 kink has become more mainstream and more accessible. 00:39:29.369 --> 00:39:31.710 So well before our time, if you wanted to be 00:39:31.710 --> 00:39:33.889 part of a kink community, you kind of had to 00:39:33.889 --> 00:39:36.489 know someone who knew someone or pick up a phone 00:39:36.489 --> 00:39:38.110 number from around in the back of a sex shop. 00:39:38.409 --> 00:39:40.710 And you had to probably be a certain level of 00:39:40.710 --> 00:39:42.880 kinky to go out of your way like that. yeah yeah 00:39:42.880 --> 00:39:45.639 it was like the the hardcore perverts who were 00:39:45.639 --> 00:39:48.900 doing that yeah where now um 50 shades which 00:39:48.900 --> 00:39:50.840 i think has had a very mixed bag in terms of 00:39:50.840 --> 00:39:52.599 impact but one of the good impacts of it has 00:39:52.599 --> 00:39:55.280 been that people something awakens in people 00:39:55.280 --> 00:39:57.559 that they want to yeah yeah um kink in general 00:39:57.559 --> 00:39:59.619 being represented more in the media not always 00:39:59.619 --> 00:40:01.679 well but the information is out there the internet 00:40:01.679 --> 00:40:04.440 is a thing so people can just find it is people 00:40:04.440 --> 00:40:06.940 who have a lower level of interest in kink and 00:40:06.940 --> 00:40:09.849 maybe a slightly lighter approach to kink are 00:40:09.849 --> 00:40:11.409 discovering that these communities are there 00:40:11.409 --> 00:40:13.530 and have something to offer them yeah which is 00:40:13.530 --> 00:40:15.530 amazing that is something i think is a really 00:40:15.530 --> 00:40:17.929 really good thing yeah but i think that has come 00:40:17.929 --> 00:40:21.590 with a sort of a shift in direction where there 00:40:21.590 --> 00:40:23.789 is a little bit of a movement to sanitize kink 00:40:23.789 --> 00:40:26.309 and make it a little bit more gentle and a little 00:40:26.309 --> 00:40:29.010 bit softer and a little bit more pitch to kind 00:40:29.010 --> 00:40:32.750 of the beginner level yeah and those old perverts 00:40:32.750 --> 00:40:35.599 are still here The proper weirdos are still there 00:40:35.599 --> 00:40:37.980 as well. They need to have a space. And having 00:40:37.980 --> 00:40:40.539 those two ends of the spectrum interact with 00:40:40.539 --> 00:40:43.840 each other in a way that is positive is definitely 00:40:43.840 --> 00:40:46.460 doable. But I think it requires everyone to sort 00:40:46.460 --> 00:40:47.880 of come in with a little bit of an open mind, 00:40:48.039 --> 00:40:50.630 making that commitment if you are. from the heavier 00:40:50.630 --> 00:40:52.389 end of the spectrum to say i'm not going to gatekeep 00:40:52.389 --> 00:40:53.869 i'm not going to look down on someone because 00:40:53.869 --> 00:40:55.949 they don't play as hard as me and if you're someone 00:40:55.949 --> 00:40:57.590 coming in at that higher end of the spectrum 00:40:57.590 --> 00:40:59.230 accepting that you're going to see and hear things 00:40:59.230 --> 00:41:00.969 that are a little out of your comfort zone and 00:41:00.969 --> 00:41:03.170 a little bit confronting and aren't ever going 00:41:03.170 --> 00:41:05.269 to be to your taste and that you shouldn't put 00:41:05.269 --> 00:41:06.989 pressure on yourself to play up to that level 00:41:06.989 --> 00:41:08.750 but also shouldn't put pressure on anyone else 00:41:08.750 --> 00:41:11.750 to come down to yours yeah we're all in this 00:41:11.750 --> 00:41:13.530 because we want something that's a little bit 00:41:13.530 --> 00:41:16.119 outside of the norm Or a lot outside of the norm, 00:41:16.179 --> 00:41:17.960 but however far outside of the norm it is, it's 00:41:17.960 --> 00:41:19.340 not something that you're going to find on Tinder 00:41:19.340 --> 00:41:21.860 necessarily. So you come to the place where you 00:41:21.860 --> 00:41:23.380 can find it and where you can meet other people 00:41:23.380 --> 00:41:24.940 who say, actually, you're not broken and this 00:41:24.940 --> 00:41:27.400 is okay. And we all need to support each other 00:41:27.400 --> 00:41:28.980 in that. Otherwise, the whole thing falls apart. 00:41:29.380 --> 00:41:32.960 Yeah. And other than the way that we're using 00:41:32.960 --> 00:41:34.480 it, because we're going to use don't scare the 00:41:34.480 --> 00:41:36.800 newbies in a really positive way, that kind of 00:41:36.800 --> 00:41:38.820 don't scare the newbies attitude kind of denies 00:41:38.820 --> 00:41:42.920 people on both sides of that a level of personal 00:41:42.920 --> 00:41:45.800 responsibility. Yeah. So it's our responsibility 00:41:45.800 --> 00:41:48.199 as people who play at the heavier end of the 00:41:48.199 --> 00:41:51.920 kink, if we encounter people who are new or are 00:41:51.920 --> 00:41:55.559 playing at a much lighter level or in different 00:41:55.559 --> 00:41:59.019 ways to us, is not to force that on them. Yeah. 00:41:59.099 --> 00:42:01.000 So if we are having a conversation that's making 00:42:01.000 --> 00:42:03.280 someone uncomfortable, that person has the agency 00:42:03.280 --> 00:42:05.360 to say, this is making me uncomfortable, so either 00:42:05.360 --> 00:42:08.019 I'm going to leave or can we talk about something 00:42:08.019 --> 00:42:11.860 else? Yeah. Kind of thing, you know, and it's 00:42:11.860 --> 00:42:15.289 the same if you go to an event. where the venue 00:42:15.289 --> 00:42:18.349 that we go to, dozens of little rooms sprawled 00:42:18.349 --> 00:42:21.389 all over the place, mostly with open doors. You 00:42:21.389 --> 00:42:23.110 put your head in. If you don't like it, you don't 00:42:23.110 --> 00:42:25.510 stay and watch. You walk away. Like it happened 00:42:25.510 --> 00:42:28.969 with us yesterday. We were playing and Mx was 00:42:28.969 --> 00:42:31.329 caning the soles of my feet and I was having 00:42:31.329 --> 00:42:33.590 a great time. Like I will make a fuss about being 00:42:33.590 --> 00:42:34.849 hit pretty much anywhere. But as soon as you 00:42:34.849 --> 00:42:36.349 start hitting my feet, I'm just giggling and 00:42:36.349 --> 00:42:38.530 moaning. I'm having an amazing time. And one 00:42:38.530 --> 00:42:40.309 of my friends heard all the happy noises and 00:42:40.309 --> 00:42:41.650 stuck their head around the door to see what 00:42:41.650 --> 00:42:43.750 was going on. Unfortunately, that friend has 00:42:43.750 --> 00:42:47.750 a phobia of feet and exited very fast. That's 00:42:47.750 --> 00:42:49.650 what it's about. They thought they might like 00:42:49.650 --> 00:42:51.170 to see what was going on. They realised they 00:42:51.170 --> 00:42:52.909 did not want to see that at all. And they went 00:42:52.909 --> 00:42:56.349 to do something else. That's how we work. And 00:42:56.349 --> 00:42:58.690 it's that kind of responsibility on everybody, 00:42:58.869 --> 00:43:01.550 isn't it? Of not deliberately traumatise the 00:43:01.550 --> 00:43:03.170 newbies. Maybe that's what we should say. Don't 00:43:03.170 --> 00:43:07.510 traumatise the newbies. You know, to deliberately 00:43:07.510 --> 00:43:09.650 put that on them. But just be grown up about 00:43:09.650 --> 00:43:12.570 it. This is what we're into. You don't like it. 00:43:12.590 --> 00:43:14.590 That's fine. Let's talk about what you like as 00:43:14.590 --> 00:43:16.860 well. because that's good too so our version 00:43:16.860 --> 00:43:19.019 of don't scare the newbies is let's demystify 00:43:19.019 --> 00:43:21.380 this stuff let's answer all the questions that 00:43:21.380 --> 00:43:24.219 you've ever had yeah let's share all the most 00:43:24.219 --> 00:43:26.619 deranged thoughts and experiences that we've 00:43:26.619 --> 00:43:28.500 had that people hide away and keep in the dark 00:43:28.500 --> 00:43:31.380 and make them accessible make them normal because 00:43:31.380 --> 00:43:33.739 it's not typical but i would say it's normal 00:43:33.739 --> 00:43:39.079 yes sounds like a good plan i am very excited 00:43:39.079 --> 00:43:40.980 to get started and i'm so excited that i'm doing 00:43:40.980 --> 00:43:46.309 this with you mix i am excited in a different 00:43:46.309 --> 00:43:50.389 way i think it'll be good i think it will take 00:43:50.389 --> 00:43:52.150 me a while to get used to it and i apologize 00:43:52.150 --> 00:43:55.010 to anyone listening for the for the poor quality 00:43:55.010 --> 00:43:58.289 of my input i think you have done amazing thanks 00:43:58.289 --> 00:44:01.610 i think we've had a really good first chat for 00:44:01.610 --> 00:44:03.929 our first episode i'm so excited to see what 00:44:03.929 --> 00:44:06.170 comes next excellent so i think now is a good 00:44:06.170 --> 00:44:08.670 time to wrap up and start planning for our next 00:44:08.670 --> 00:44:29.300 episode thanks for listening to this week's episode 00:44:29.300 --> 00:44:31.699 of don't scare the newbies you can support us 00:44:31.699 --> 00:44:34.139 on patreon for bonus content and head to kirizal 00:44:34.139 --> 00:44:36.639 .com for my blog and links to everywhere else 00:44:36.639 --> 00:44:39.059 that you can follow me see you next time