Hey Out Louders and welcome to another episode
of Pammy Out Loud. I'm your host Pammy and I'm
here today to talk to you about something that
is deeply personal and very profound to me and
that is my relationship with alcohol and my decision
to quit drinking. I've had difficulty pressing
the record button because not that it's hard
for me to talk about this but because it's so
important to me to get it right that I hesitate
in starting the conversation. I will tell you
this, this will be a conversation that will be
ongoing throughout many episodes of my podcast
because it'll be a running theme. And I say,
not because I'm trying to convert anybody, but
to share something that was very important and
impactful for me and... brought up a lot of questions
that I believe lots of women and men both have
as they ponder their relationship with alcohol
throughout the years. I stopped drinking in November
of 2019. And let me tell you a little bit about
the lead up to that. A lot of times people want
to know what kind of drinker was I? And how did
I come to the decision that I needed to quit
drinking? So today, I'm going to introduce the
topic with those answering those questions for
you. Just know that I will have many other episodes
woven throughout this podcast. And I hope that
you will engage in the conversation with me.
If you're curious, let me know what you're thinking
about and what other things you'd like for me
to talk out loud. What topics that I throw out
to you that resonate. What issues that are you
experiencing as we discuss this? So what happened
for me, I was raised in a household where alcohol
was not a big deal. In fact, my parents hardly
drank. I think my dad had, he'd have a six pack
of beer in the refrigerator all summer long and
I think it was the same six pack. He would drink
a beer maybe when he'd come in from the golf
course on Sunday, maybe. and they also had that
mysterious cabinet of liquor above the refrigerator
with the big decanters and whatnot in them, you
know, that were used when you were at parties.
Maybe they'd have a party once a year where those
fancy things came down, but it wasn't something
that neither my mother nor my father really partook
much in. So I didn't have that as an example
or as a as an issue for myself growing up, went
off to college, experimented with a lot of alcohol
when I was in college, no more than I think most
college kids probably do. And then when we got
married, we started having babies pretty quick
and alcohol was definitely not a part of our
life at that point. We were busy raising children
and they demanded our full attention. This was
long before what we now experience as I think
the mommy wine culture that you hear a lot of
people talk about, but it really wasn't something
that became an issue and more common in my life
until, I don't know, maybe my 40s. And I, you
know, what happened for me is, you know, I went
from being, you know, as a weekend drinker to
I'd come in the door from my job at school and
I'd open a bottle of wine and have a glass and
I don't, You know, it was, I had a lot of social
drinking. I ran with, I think our friends were
very, I don't want to say alcohol -centric, but
you know, alcohol was a big part of how we gathered
and partied and celebrated together. And it became
very commonplace. For me, my alcohol progression,
Can kind of continued as into my 40s as I was
in my 40s and 50s and when my children were more
Self -sufficient didn't need me to pick them
up and do those things I'm I think alcohol became
more of a priority for me in my life I never
really thought a lot about it, but I will say
it did frequently come to come up It was something
that I would think about from time to time of
yeah, I think I drink too much Now people will
often ask me well how much did you drink? And
I will tell you the answer to that question when
I finally got around to stopping But I want to
be really careful about how I don't like to answer
that question right away Because I think it is
one of those questions that when people ask you
how much were you drinking? They are looking
at it as a measuring stick or should I say a
measuring cup? for their own alcohol consumption.
I know this because I did it too, right? Oh,
I'm not as bad as she is. I don't drink as much
as he does. I only drink two glass, two margaritas,
whatever, whatever the case is. When you ask
somebody, well, how much were you drinking? It
becomes this ability for you to be very dismissive
of your own drinking. And that was certainly
true for me. So, I will say though, I started
to, I knew I was drinking too much and I didn't
do anything about it. It was not something I
just thought, yeah, you really ought to do something.
And I never even did 30 day, you know, dry January.
I just, I never did any of those things. I didn't
try to do anything about it, but. But I did Google
a lot. How much is too much for a five foot six,
125 pound woman? How much is too much if you're
58 years old? How much, I mean, I did all of
those kind of Google searches. Am I an alcoholic?
I'd sat there at the keyboard. Let me just tell
you something. If you are Googling, am I an alcoholic?
Do I have a problem with alcohol? Let me tell
you, the answer is yes. Because people that don't
have those problems are not Googling those things.
That is one of the standard go -tos in our sober
-minded community. It's like that is not something
most people Google. If you have a problem and
you say, am I drinking too much? You probably
are. You are probably drinking too much. What
caused me, I mean, I'm going to say I looked
at my drinking for a long time without doing
anything about it. And I had this belief system
that you were either a drinker or you weren't.
And if you weren't a drinker, it was because
you were an alcoholic, you had a medical condition
or you were pregnant, or you had some religious
conviction about it. Either you had those things
or you drank. And if you had one of those things,
you really wanted to drink too. That's what I
believe. I just believed everybody wanted to
drink. I did not believe that there were people
out there that enjoyed their life without alcohol.
It was not my experience. And I thought this
is something that everybody does or everybody
wishes that they could do, right? So for me,
I had thought about my drinking for a long time
but I hadn't done anything about it and I also
had this belief system that you were either an
alcoholic and you went to AA or you went to rehab
and you and you had to give it all up or You
know, you were a quote normal drinker. I don't
even know what a normal drinker is I'm just gonna
say that what is a normal drinker and I think
that normal yeah well I'm not I'm not even sure
what a normal is I'm just gonna put that out
there. So what happened for me though what was
really the turning point was I'm trying to think
maybe 20 this is probably 20 the summers 2018
-2019 sometime in there I did a group diet and
exercise program there's this wonderful book
called Game On and it is a Team approach to getting
healthy and what you do is you get on teams and
there's all these different things that you do
It's a 30 -day program and you have to drink
a lot of water and you have to exercise and you
have to get your sleep and you have to Work on
a good habit and give up a bad habit. There's
all these different components of it and you
get points and you you have team pressure in
order to do well with it. And it's a, it is really
a great program. And I'll put the book in my
show notes because I have played the game many
times with many different people and I always
get really good results with it. The, the food
part of it is pretty easy to do. It's a whole
food type approach. Um, but here's the, here's
the kicker to it. And this is what really got
to me. You can't drink alcohol for the 30 days.
Now you can have cheat days. So that's a whole
nother kind of thing to explain but you know
The cheat days and one on the cheat cheat days.
You could have as much alcohol as you wanted
so what you find yourself doing or what I found
myself doing is like I Could do everything related
to the game on program. I was exercising. I was
lifting weights I was doing all the stuff I was
supposed to do And I was jellying for a glass
of wine. I wanted my wine. And I was just so
struck by the fact that I could not stop thinking
about the alcohol. I didn't have any problems
cutting calories or doing anything else. But
I was annoyed at how much I wanted to drink.
So Anyway, it was it was it was really striking
to me and I and the thing that got to me was
I did not want to be Controlled by any substance
and I started to realize how much my thinking
Was controlled by drinking and how I planned
my life around it. I didn't really think that
I did But you know, I would not I would not You
know be things like I'd come in the door from
school I'd open a bottle of wine and I'd be sitting
there with my cabernet and if if Brian was coming
home from the airport He would have to catch
a uber or you know I was because I was so committed
to my wine and it was so important to me or he
would go out with some friends to live music
he loves live music my husband loves him some
live music and That's not really my huge scene.
Big crowds and lots of music isn't my scene.
So a lot of times I would pass, but I would say,
oh, I'll drop you off at the venues, but don't
count on me to pick you up because I want to
go home and I want to drink my bottle of wine.
And so it was becoming, what I realized is I
had a real priority on being able to consume
that alcohol to the point that I did when I was
not drinking it, I was very, very aware of how
annoyed I was. I mean, that's the only way I
can put it. I was annoyed that I wasn't drinking.
I felt left out. I felt like, you know, I was
like, what should I do this week? If my, you
know, I can't go to happy hour because I can't,
couldn't possibly sit there and drink something
else if they're drinking margaritas or whatever.
I couldn't do that. And this really bothered
me. So, My my habit like I said was to come in
the door open a bottle of wine sit there in my
end You know here here's the answer to your question.
How much was I drinking? I was averaging a bottle
a day I was caught I was a bottle a day Cabernet.
That's what I said bottle a day bad girl That's
what I said. So I that's what I was drinking
and I know this because HEB sells the six packs
for a discount six bottles you get a discount.
And that was my week's worth. And, you know,
I also supplemented, it wasn't always a bottle
a day of wine because sometimes I'm around the
lake and I'm drinking beer and I'm drinking margaritas
and other things. So yeah, my drinking had gotten
up there. And, you know, it was interesting.
So here I am. I'm very aware that I am jonesing
for these drinks. And about that time, I'm coming
in the door every day, I'm opening up my cabernet,
I sit on the couch and I'm sucking it down. And
one night, and I will never forget this, I would
typically start drinking my wine when I got in
the door. And then after dinner, I'm sitting
on the couch, usually dozing off, it's 8 .30
or 9 o 'clock, because you just don't have a
lot of energy when you're drinking a bottle of
red wine every night. And I would doze off, usually
would be watching something and then I'd wake
up 30 or 45 minutes later and decide it was time
to go to bed. And so I was getting up and I was
tidying up the room and folding up the blanket
and all that kind of stuff. And I walked into
the kitchen, turned off the TV, walked into the
kitchen and I noticed that the bottle was sitting
there on the counter and it's had maybe... I
don't know, an inch and a half, inch, inch and
a half of red wine still in the bottle, right?
And I thought, oh, that can't go to waste. I
poured it in a glass and I practically shot it.
I practically shot it. And all of the sudden
I thought, holy shit, that is screwed up, right?
I have literally been asleep on the couch for
45 minutes. I am on my way to the bedroom. I
am on my way to brush my teeth and go to bed.
And instead of putting a cork on it or heaven
forbid just dumping it down the kitchen sink,
I had to guzzle it like it was water at a marathon
race. It got my attention. It got my attention.
So all of these things are happening at about
the same time, right? I've had this game on experience
where I've had this Real revelation that I'm
Jones in for alcohol. I have this moment of watching
television where I go holy smokes You know, what
is this that I I I you know, I'm now I'm now
Officially committed to drinking a bottle a day
like I can't go to bed without it And it was
messed up. It was just messed up so that it all
happened and I have my journal from you know,
I'm I'm a journaler and I actually have my journal
journal from that time in my life and things
that I was thinking about and working on and
a book that I was reading and and there's some
really interesting notes in there about how this
all kind of coalesced into this moment but one
night I'm sitting on the couch drinking my cabernet
and I'm on my laptop scrolling through my Facebook
feed and all of the sudden in pops this message
from sober sis and this beautiful woman about
my age young I don't know how old she was she's
actually younger than me I think everybody's
my age unless they're way younger than me but
she she pops up and she says hey sis do you want
to change your relationship with alcohol If you
do, and she starts talking and I'm sitting there
thinking, yes, I believe I do. And you know,
she was offering this online program for $99,
21 days, change your relationship with alcohol.
And I had, as I had my glass in my hand and my
credit card in my other hand and my laptop in
my lap, I entered, I paid my $99 and signed up.
Now it was a program. and it's and it'll all
of this will be in my show notes and you'll hear
me talk about sober sis a lot but it was a program
that starts on the first of each month so i sign
up and it's several weeks before the first of
each month i mean before the first of the month
so this is october of 2019 now my Take on I'm
gonna start this on November 1st. That's when
the program starts, right? So I'm gonna start
this on November 1st so I've got three weeks
or two and a half weeks whatever it was and I
thought I better drink up and I act like I'm
going on a diet and been and I'm binging on gallons
of ice cream right like I Decide that not only
am I gonna drink I need to hit it hard Right?
It sounds so ridiculous, but this is really what
I was doing. So a few days before the first of
the month, when the program is going to start,
I go to happy hour with a couple of my girlfriends
that I were co -workers with and we are sitting
there and I'm drinking and I get really emotional
and I start crying and I'm over sharing about
my issues of the moment and I got home from that
and I drove home from that. That's another thing.
I'm embarrassed to say that I drove way too many
times when I'm sure I was over the limit, right?
When you are, it doesn't really take that much
to be over the limit. I'm sure there are times
when I didn't even feel like I was and I was
over the limit. You know what I mean? But I drove
home that night and I just thought, this is bullshit.
What am I doing? And I need to stop right now.
I need to stop right now. That was October 27th,
or 26th, 2019. And that was the last time I drank
alcohol. I've had sips since then. I want to
be perfectly transparent about my journey. But
that was the last time I poured myself a drink.
On November 1st, I started the Sobersist program,
which is an email -based program, but it also
puts you in community with other women online
through an app called Marco Polo, which is kind
of like a voice texting video. It's voice texting
video app. So you can be in a group, much like
you can be in a message group, a text message
group with people. So it allowed people to come
together and have conversations with each other
without, you know, whatever time zone you were
in, it didn't really matter. So you could watch
somebody's post, you know, when you got up in
the morning, even if they made it in, you know,
a different time zone, different time. You could
read it much like a text message, I'd say. So
anyway, you would do this in this online community
and then you'd get these emails. I started to
learn about my drinking. I started to learn about
alcohol I started to read quit lit books for
those of you that are not in the sober community
quit lit is the genre of Books that are dedicated
to stopping alcohol and your relationship with
alcohol and all that good stuff so I started
putting my hands on all things quit lit reading
lots of things and learning Also, at the time,
Sobersist had a Facebook group. They now have
a dedicated website to it. But at the time, we
were on Facebook, and people were sharing their
experiences. And what would happen is people
would say, I was seeing all this conversation
about completely giving up alcohol. And I thought,
I'm not doing that. I am not giving up alcohol.
I just want to change my relationship with alcohol.
I am not interested in completely quitting. My
thought process was I'm going to go through this
21 days, I'm going to do a little reset, and
then I'll return to some form of moderation down
the line. And all of a sudden I'm hearing people
talk about quitting permanently. Permanently.
And I thought bait and switch. That's what I
thought that this is not what I want But I was
already into it and I'm already experiencing
the changes in my thinking and Ultimately the
choices that I was gonna make so anyway, I This
program was life -changing for me. It was the
best $99 that I ever have spent it has Changed
me in profound ways and giving me the tools to
live my life alcohol -free in a way that I am
deeply proud of and What removing alcohol does
unless I does for me, I think it does for everybody
it Reveals the work that you need to do it reveals
the work you need to do So if that is ongoing
right that is an ongoing journey that never ever
stops It's very exciting. It's very painful.
It's very Enlightening and enriching and life
-enhancing. That's all I can say I will tell
you that quitting drinking for me Has been the
single most important thing that I have done
in my life as an adult for my mental health,
physical health, emotional health, and the main
reason I feel that way is I like myself now,
and I didn't before. I didn't even realize how
much I didn't until I got clear of all this.
I want to tell y 'all that it's, and this is
really important, I am not here to tell anybody
else what to do. I am here to tell you what I
did and what my experience was and to hopefully,
I will share with you some people that I have
met along the way that have inspired and encouraged
me and lifted me up in ways that I can never
repay them. For each person, it is a deeply personal
choice, right? And well, you remember when I
said at the beginning, it's like, I'm not here
to tell anybody else what to do. And it's funny
because people will come up to me and say, you
must think I drink too much. I've had that said
to me. I've had friends. I've had people that
ask me questions about it and say, oh, well,
you must think I drink too much. And I'm going
to tell you this. I don't give any thought to
that or very, very little. I don't want to say
I never think about it. But I really don't because
I'm not here to change anybody else. I do want
to tell you this. The most important thing for
me is I want to be a voice out there. And when
I talk about speaking out loud, this is why it's
meaningful and important to me. Because when
I have done it, and it's scary to talk about
out loud that you're not a drinker. You want
to know what's funny? When I first quit drinking
alcohol, I didn't want to tell anybody I was
doing it for a couple of reasons. One, it was
because I was afraid that If I told them that
I was, you know, if I told them and they're like,
oh, well, she's drinking. Like I was afraid I
was going to fail. I didn't even tell Brian that
I was doing it when I, the 21 day thing. I did
not even tell my own husband because I was afraid
of it. What if I couldn't do it? What would that
say about me? Right? Well, you know, it's interesting,
but what's happened is as I started, you know,
when I quit drinking, I didn't tell anybody.
And then I was afraid that if I told people I
quit drinking, they would think I was an alcoholic.
Now, the irony in that is I never worried if
they thought I was an alcoholic when I was drinking.
But suddenly I'm worried about it. Suddenly I'm
worried about they're going to think I'm an alcoholic
because I don't drink alcohol anymore. And what
does that mean? What would they think about that?
But there's a, you know, I was talking about
the quit lit genre and there is a author by the
name of Laura McCowan. And she has written a
book called We Are the Luckiest, and then she
has since started an online community called
The Luckiest Club. But in her book, We Are the
Luckiest, she talks about what it means when
you quit drinking and how other people react
to that, right? And I have seen this firsthand,
so I wanted to read to you because her words
just... really say it in such a beautiful way
of what it means, right? So, when you, a newly
sober person, walk into a room or sit at a dinner
table, you are not just carrying in your own
story. You are shining lots of little mirrors
onto other people's stories too. Sometimes this
causes a fleeting blip. A tiny disturbance felt
mostly by you and sometimes it sends shockwaves.
I think that's so beautiful and it is so true
because like the measuring stick of, well, how
much are you drinking? They're comparing themselves
to you. They are looking at you and they're seeing
themselves in the reflection in the glass, right?
This topic is so important to me. Because when
I now when I have gone from not wanting to talk
about it To I do share on my Instagram feed things
about living my life without alcohol quotes positivity
messages those are things that I want to share
and when one person reaches out to me and says
Hey me, too Hey, can you tell me how you did
it? Hey, I've been thinking these same thoughts
That makes all of the what will people think
of me? go by the wayside because I know that
when I speak out loud and Somebody hears my voice
and it helps them come to what ever decision
that they feel they need to come to That's that's
what I'm supposed to be doing and that's what
this podcast I believe is is why I'm here. I
want to hopefully inspire people to look at their
lives in different ways and shapes and from different
angles. And I'm not, I'm not again telling you
to quit drinking alcohol because maybe for you
that's not the issue. We all have our thing as
Laura McCowen says. We know what our thing is,
my thing is, my thing is alcohol. It's funny,
you know, when I quit drinking, my oldest son
said to me, Mom, were you an alcoholic? And I
was caught a little off guard and I thought,
I don't know, maybe I was. You know, we're a
society that likes to put labels on things and
we want to say, oh, she's an alcoholic. She needs
to quit drinking. She's a problem drinker. You
know, she had a she had a rock -bottom moment,
you know, I didn't have a rock -bottom moment
In fact, I used to say I wish my hangovers were
it had been a little worse and maybe I would
have done something sooner about it I didn't
really have bad hangovers. I operated with a
low -grade headache all the time, which I just
attributed to poor sleeping never connected that
the poor sleeping and the Alcohol all part and
parcel of the same thing But that's a topic for
another show, you know when we quit drinking
You have to start feeling things right a lot
of us numb a lot of us numb We don't want to
feel things. We don't want we don't want to have
those thoughts and the anxiety and and the darkness
and the sadness and So, you know what? I do want
to share this with you is what Brene Brown says
about it, which is you cannot selectively numb
feelings. You cannot selectively numb feelings.
You can't just numb the bad ones. You are numbing
the good ones. You don't know you are. You think
you're enhancing them, but you don't even realize
what feelings you're numbing by the alcohol that
you're taking in. There are so many things that
I want to talk to you about this and that we
will share with you over the coming weeks and
months But I do want to end with this, you know
the interesting question to ask yourself It's
not am I bad enough? Is it bad enough for me
to quit? The question is is my life good enough
not to Is my life good enough not to? Life on
this side of alcohol is richer and brighter and
more vibrant than I ever thought it could be.
It's not perfect. And you know, and I'm not gonna
lie, my favorite saying, there are things about
alcohol that I do miss. It wasn't all bad for
me, right? I was the kind of drinker who You
know, whatever mood I was in it was amplified
by the alcohol So if I was in a good mood, I
was fun Pam and fun Pam could be Really fun.
It could also be over -the -top in a lot, right?
you know when times that I thought I was super
fun that other people found a little annoying
and by the same token if I was a little bit down
or angry upset moody It amplified that. It led
me down a path of sadness. It led me down a path
of anger. It allowed me to unfilter text messages
to people and things that, from my own children
to friends, that I said things and shared things
that I deeply wish that I hadn't because that
filter was off. There's a reason we have a filter.
It's important. It's important. But it wasn't
all bad. It was a lot of good things. And I didn't
have a rock bottom moment. I had lots of little
bumps in the road. Lots of little bumps in the
road. The other thing that's really funny is
you start to think when you clean out the alcohol
from your life, you start to realize the lies
that you've told yourself, right? I would say,
oh, it didn't really cause me any problems. Well,
I didn't have major marital problems or major
work problems, all those catastrophic things,
the so -called rock bottom moments. That did
not happen for me. When you get the alcohol out,
it's almost like you start having these... repressed
memories come back to you, where you remember
things that you said or that you did or that
happened, which were fueled by alcohol, that
you now go, ugh, yeah, you feel embarrassed,
you feel shame, you feel pain. It just do. And
it's so funny. I'll share some of those with
you in the coming episodes. Some of those moments
that made me go yeah, you know what you told
yourself you weren't that bad But you did some
damage along the way sister you damaged some
Relationships you hurt some people's feelings
you Were not there for people in the way you
wanted to be and so I want to end with this thought
to Whether you drink a bottle of beer a day or
a bottle of whiskey a day It does not matter.
If alcohol is keeping you from showing up in
your life the way you want to show up for the
people who you want to show up for, it merits
taking a look at. I love you all. I wish you
a beautiful day. Please keep thinking about this
issue. Talk about it out loud. What are your
questions? What are your concerns? If you want
to reach out to me privately, you can email me
at pamioutloud at gmail .com. You can also go
to the Facebook page and engage in the conversation
with others. I want that to be a judgment -free
zone. I want it to be a positive place, safe
place for people to have these conversations
and ask the questions that matter to you. Have
a beautiful week everybody and keep living your
life out loud Because we all know Gritting your
teeth gives you TMJ. Bye. Bye everybody