The Red Scalpin program brought to you by Cool
Cigarettes. Just smoke a cool and you will see
how refreshing cools can be. Switch from hot
to cool cigarettes for that clean cool taste
in your mouth. As Willie the Penguin says, smoke
cool, smoke cool, smoke cool. The Cool Cigarette
Program starring Red Skelton, Dave Rose and his
orchestra, our singing star Anita Ellis, Verna
Felton, Lorraine Tattle, Pat McGahan and yours
truly Rod O 'Connor. From MGM Studios comes the
star of The Cool Cigarette Program, Red Skelton.
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen, for
your spontaneous applause. It's better than the
way we rehearsed it, believe me. How are you?
Well, Roddy's finally arrived. You mean our last
show of the season. No, the car I ordered. But
I waited a long time for a delivery on it, boy.
But now that you've got your car, wasn't it worth
waiting for? No, I don't think Stanley's steamers
are so nice anymore. You know, I felt a little
sad about this being our last show of the season,
Red. Yeah, me too. I got to think, and we won't
be working together after tonight. I felt kind
of bad. Oh, but Red, I'll be back next fall.
That's why I feel so bad. Red, what are you gonna
do this time? I'm gonna take it easy. I'm gonna
take the family and motor back to the Middle
West. I'm gonna hike a couple hundred miles,
sleep in sleeping bags. If nature, boy, will
give his permission. You know, I think everybody
needs a rest. That's why I'm going off the air,
to give my listeners a rest. Both of them. Well,
who's our summer replacement? Sigmund Romberg
and his beautiful music and John Howard's gonna
sing with him. But how about jokes? Well, the
sponsor figures he's gone this long without him.
Why should he change? Well, what are you gonna
do on your vacation? Well, truthfully, I think
I'm gonna work around in the garden, raise a
little garden to help fight inflation, you know?
Now, why do you say that? You know anything about
raising a garden? Do I know anything about a
garden? Me, a guy from Indiana? Do I know anything
about a garden? I can learn. Well, I hope you've
learned something from last year. I'll never
forget those pumpkin seeds you planted. Yeah,
I found out they grow better if you take them
out of the package. You know, anything grows
out here in California, though. I dropped a little
piece of paper in with the seed, and the next
morning in the very same spot was a newspaper.
Yes, we all like to go out to the ballgame. But
do you know something baseball is responsible
for, friends? Well, for one thing, baseball accounts
for a big jump in cigarette smoking. There's
something about sitting in the stands and cheering
those home team rallies that makes you reach
for a cigarette. Then another, and another. Pretty
soon, you're apt to find your mouth and throat
have begun to feel all dry and parched. And that's
the time to switch from hots to cools. For no
matter how steadily you've been smoking, one
puff of a Kool and you'll really enjoy a cigarette
again. You'll find that the distinctive flavor
of Kool's gives you a refreshing feeling that
just can't be matched by ordinary hot cigarettes.
Kool's, America's most refreshing cigarettes,
are specially blended from smooth, ripe tobaccos.
Kool's are mild and mellow, make your throat
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Here's our lovely Anita Ellis to sing. What are
you singing, dear? All the things you are. The
promised kiss of springtime That makes the lonely
winter seem long You are the breathless hush
of evening That trembles on the brink of a lovely
song You are the angel glow That lights a star
The dearest things I know Are what you Friends,
I guess the first thing a performer learns in
show business is how to say goodbye. We all know
that we must make changes from time to time,
but it's tough when you have to say goodbye to
folks like our present sponsors, the Brown &
Williamson Tobacco Company. The success I've
had in radio is entirely due to their friendship
and their helping hand and faith. Ten years ago,
they gave me my first coast -to -coast broadcast,
and during those years when things have gone
wrong, the show wasn't as good as we'd wanted
it to be. They were the first ones to say, well,
it'll be all right next week. We're very grateful
for their friendship. They're responsible for
all the wonderful things that we have today.
I would also like to thank the Russell MC's advertising
agency, our engineer, Art Burley, our producer,
Keith McCloud, the sound effect boys, Fred Cole
and Jack Robinson, and the best cast and radio.
Also, Edna Brizeghi and her writing staff, Benny
Friedman, Johnny Murray, Dick McKnight, Harvey
Helm. for making this a wonderful season. And
most of all, we would like to thank you folks
for tuning us in. Believe me, when we come back
on the air next fall with our new sponsor, Procter
& Gamble, we'll try harder than ever to win your
approval. Thank you. Tonight, a new feature.
People you'll meet sooner or later. Finally got
it out of hawk, huh? If you were a motorcycle
officer, sooner or later you'd meet this type
of driver. Alright, point out my car, start the
motor and put me behind the wheel and I'll drive
you home. I think you should drive. Oh, stop
quibbling and lighting the cigarette for me,
will ya? That's not a cigarette in your mouth.
That's your tongue sticking out. It's a cigarette
and lighter, will ya? All right, you asked for
it. Well, now you convinced? The cat must have
got my tongue. I expect me to talk with a mouth
full of ashes. Come on, get in. No, don't stand
there. Get in, get in, get in. Well, what's the
matter? Don't you open the door for a lady? Somebody
coming with us? And you used to be so romantic,
Willie. I'll never forget the night we were married.
You carried me across the threshold. Well, we'll
even it up tonight. You can carry me across.
Now close the door. Close the door. I'm going
to start the car and I'll watch it because I
got a pretty fast pickup. A pretty fast pickup.
I am using it. How do you think I'm beating the
pedestrians off with? Now you're driving on the
left side of the road. I know I'm driving on
the left side of the road. That's so the cars
won't sneak up behind me. And bumper riders,
ooh, they make me so nervous. Slow down, Willie.
There's a dip in the road. Are you referring
to me, old girl? This car can take it, though.
You'll watch it now. Hold on. Say, you get more
freight there with your head sticking out the
top, don't you? You can read Honest John's ads
better, too. Hey, are we on fire? No. Should
we call an ambulance? No. Well, then it must
be a cop coming up. Yep, there he is. Look, now,
he's the cop, so let me handle it. You keep your
big mouth shut, will ya? My mouth isn't big.
Oh, no. Every time you yawn, your ears disappear.
Pardon me for intruding, sir. What can I do for
you, bub? What can I do for you? Well, I was
just curious to know if you were speeding or
buzzing the neighborhood. May I see... I'm sorry
I was speeding, officer, but you see, I gotta
hurry to the hospital. You see, the big moment
has arrived. Your wife's gonna have a baby? No,
she's gonna beat my brains out. I thought we'd
better go to the hospital. Well, let's see your
license. License, yeah, here you are, here you
are. What's that license with the skull and crossbones
on it? Oh, that's my marriage license. Justice
of Peace stamped that on there and then they
saw my wife. Come on, come on, give me your driver's
license. I don't have one. I guess that's some
shit, don't it? I don't have a license. So you
don't have a license? No. A wait till the judge
hears about this. He knows about it. He took
it away from me. You know, you look permitted
to me. Do you have a police record? No, we haven't
recorded since Patrillo put the ban on. What
do you do for a living? I'm a masseur in a bakery.
I take the kinks out of lopsided pretzels. I'm
proud. That ain't even there. Now please, be
polite. Look, I'm trying to be polite, dear.
I want you to be proud of my good manners, dearest.
So while I'm talking to this bum, keep your mouth
shut! Is this your wife? That's my wife. You
want it? I'll have to give you a ticket. What's
your name? Willie Lump Lump. Where were you coming
from? A party. Did you have a good time? I must
have. They threw me out. I see it was a formal
affair. Mm -hmm. It was a formal affair. You're
wearing tails. Just a minute, you. What are you
trying to do? Make a monkey out of me? Where
was the party? Well, you know where Wilster Boulevard
is? Yeah. You know where it crosses Figaro? Yeah.
You know where Figaro goes on the eighth? Yeah.
Well, go there and leave me alone. Look, stern
old breath. Yeah? Where do you live? Ah, you're
being rather forward, aren't you? We just met,
after all. Go on, now, where do you live? I live
with my wife. Where does she live? She lives
with her mother. You both live with your wife's
mother? Yeah, when we first married, we had a
little quarrel, and my wife went home to her
mother, and she forgot to let go of my neck.
Now, you're asking for it, Bob. I'll have to
take you down to the station. Oh, get your hands
off of me. Maybe you don't know it, but I got
an in with the chief of police. In fact, I was
in for 30 days. You know, you broke about every
traffic law in the books, speeding, no hand signals,
weaving in and out of traffic, no headlights.
You forgot that green light I ran through. Well,
there's no law running through a green light,
Bob. Okay, pick up the glass and we'll say no
more about it. Let Willie go this time. Nothing
doing. If I have anything to say about it, he'll
be locked up in solitary confinement and eat
nothing but bread and water. Oh, no. Let him
go free so he can come home and live with mother
and me. I'm sorry. The officer made the best
deal. It's for your own sake, Bob. It's the only
way you guys can learn. Oh, Willie. All you ever
do is disgrace me and yourself. And you're a
good man when you want to be. When you're good,
you're the best man in the world, Willie. and
whistle blows six o 'clock. Get up off your knees.
Stop your mascara from running. Somebody will
think you're Al Jolson. Look, officer, I was
wrong. I'm sorry I oughta lock every guy up like
me that drives like this. Well, that's better.
Yeah, lock me up. I'm no good. You seem like
a nice couple, and I will forget the ticket.
Here, give it back to me. Now get going, but
take it easy. Oh, what do you say? Indian giver.
When other brands have ceased to please Round
up coups for smoking ease Switch from hot to
cool cigarettes When your mouth feels hot and
dry from smoking too many ordinary cigarettes
That's the time to light up a cool. Cool specially
blended finer tobaccos bring back long -lost
smoking pleasure. And no matter how many cools
you smoke, you'll always enjoy their cool, refreshing
flavor. Switch from hots to cool cigarettes for
that clean, cool taste in your mouth. Just smoke
a cool and you will see how refreshing cools
can be. Switch from hots to... Cool cigarettes
for that clean, cool taste in your mouth. As
Willie the Penguin says, smoke cool, smoke cool,
smoke cool. Dave Rose and the Cool Cigarette
Orchestra play his own, String Capation. And
I lost, you know. Namor lost her as soon as the
harness broke, you know. Even me muzzle came
off. I wonder where she could be. Oh, she said
she's going to buy a hair brush, and that's when
I got lost. Oh, there's a lady over there by
the window. I'll go ask her if she seen me, Namor.
Pardon me, lady. Have you seen me, Namor? She's
a nice little lady with gray hair and just...
Lady, I'm speaking to you. Why don't you speak
back? Hey, why don't you move? Boy, you look
stiff like Gramp does when he's out all night.
Okay, you don't want to talk to me? Act snooty
if you want to. Go and be snooty. Maybe I'll
kick you in the sims you'll come to a little
death. Well, you didn't have to go all to pieces.
Look at that, arms and legs all over the place.
What do I do? What do I do? They certainly don't
make people like they used to. Why are you lost?
Why don't you pay attention? Boy, if everybody's
as dumb as you, I'll never be found again. Oh,
I'm a Nemo. I'm lost. I won. Nemo! Yoo -hoo!
You little stinkers lost! What's all this noise
out here? This little boy is lost. I'll take
charge. You're not going to charge me nothing.
I didn't... Who are you anyhow? A store detective?
That's right. How'd you guess? Well, you're the
only guy walking through the store not buying
anything. You don't look smart enough to be a
shoplifter. I think we'd better take him into
the office. Here, now. Come on. Has you seen
my memo? No, but if you tell me where you got
lost... No, if you tell me where you got lost,
maybe I can find it. Well, I was on the second
floor near the broken dish department. Oh, you
must be mistaken, son. We don't have a broken
dish department. You don't know me very well.
It ought to be easy to find them. You just look
for a bargain counter with a crowd around it
and then watch somebody pooling for something
somebody else wants and that'll be her. That'll
be her. The other day she grabbed a dress, you
know, and somebody else grabbed it at the same
time. And the part she got looked pretty good
on her. Oh, brother, I either get them like this
or hungry. Uh, look, Sonny, uh... Do you know
your name? Yes, I know my name. What is it? Well,
the widow boys in the neighborhood call me Butch,
and the widow girls call me Prince Charming.
Until last week, I had my first fight, now the
widow boys call me Prince Charming, and the widow
girls don't call me no more. Well, tell me, do
you know where you live? All intelligent children
should know where they live. Yes, I don't know
the exact address, but I live right next door
to Gene Fowler, the man that wrote The Life of
Jimmy Walker, you know. And where do they live?
They moved out right after we moved in. Hey,
Pat, maybe a bag of candy would get some information
out of them. Yes, here, I've got some in my pocket.
What is it like to you? My, isn't this delicious?
Hey, what you eatin'? What you eatin'? What you
eatin'? Candy. Now, I'll give you some if you
tell me who you are. Kind of stale. I heard some
Peter Iron drops. Okay, you give me a piece of
candy and I'll tell you. I'll tell you. It's
a deal. Here. All right. Fine, now who are you?
I'm the widow boy that you just gave the candy
to. Sucker, sucker. Why does this happen to me?
Maybe I'm being punished for stealing that tie
in the bargain basement. Look, Sonny, where's
your mother? She's in Washington. She's trying
to get a bill passed to make storks enemy aliens.
She still thinks I'm a subversive act. What are
these men doing to you? Or vice versa? Are you
all right, Junior? Well, yes, barely. I got lost,
and these two men were giving me a third degree
like they does a murderer. They had lights in
me face. They were going to beat me with black
jacks. Oh, boy, some of them they were. Just
for being lost? Yes. Why, how dare you? Yes,
how dare you. How dare you intimidate my son?
How dare you to imitate me? For two cents, I'd
call my husband. Yes, and we knows what saloon
he's into. Well, I'm very sorry, madam. I've
made a terrible mistake, and I apologize for
finding him. Oh. While you're in the store, why
don't you visit our boys' department? We have
a special on straight jackets today. Well, why
don't you get yourself one? He knows me pretty
well after all, don't he, huh? Well, now, come
along, Junior. Okay. Goodbye, you imitation of
Dick Tracy, you... Oh! We've got lots of shopping
to do. Junior, stop dragging your feet. Well,
I'm tired. Carry me now, or will you carry me?
I'm tired. Well, I'm tired too. Well, you carry
me. Well, I can't carry you. Goodness, you carry
me now or I'm going to tell on you. You'll tell
what? I'll tell everybody in this store all about
you. You, the way you try to camouflage, you
stuff with makeup and all of that. I tell them
how old you are. I tell them that not only did
you entertain the boys in the last war, but at
Gettysburg too. Why, I did not! I'm not that
old! Oh, no! No. Oh, you not, huh? No. Hey, Verna,
President Lincoln has just finished his address.
Good! Now I'll slap the boys with the new song,
Battle Cry of Freedom! Yes! Do that! Oh, you
punched your beads! Yes, I did! Hey, Nemo, either
your beads busted or your teeth fell out! I've
got some more shopping to do. Hey, now, are you
mad at me? No, I'm not mad. No? You're so upset,
I'm shaking. Really busted a gasket, didn't you,
huh? I was nearly frantic searching for you,
dear. And all the time you were lost, I kept
imagining the most horrible things. Like sooner
or later, I was bound to find you. She sure does
love me, don't she, huh? You don't love me no
more. Nobody loves me. Now that's all right.
Now dry your tears. Nobody loves me. Yes, they
do, dear. You don't love me. Now dry those tears,
honey. No, just let them flow and then I won't
have to wash my face tonight. You never gonna
have a lollipop? No, suck your thumb. I am. But
I don't like it. All the flavor is gone. Let's
go into this department. Oh. I have to buy you
some new shoes. Oh, give me some cowboy boots,
huh? Some cowboy boots? Some cowboy boots, yeah.
May I see? By the time you got me a new pair
of shoes, anyhow, I've been wearing these things
for a week now. My toes are sticking out, my
feet have no privacy at all. Look at me toes
when I walk. They just spread out like the wheels
and spokes in a wagon wheel. Look at them. Well,
I wonder why it is children wear out their shoes
so fast. When I was your age, my parents didn't
have to buy me new shoes every week. Naturally.
Because when you were your age, your shoes hadn't
been invented yet, couldn't they? Well, didn't
everybody wear Mocketsons when you were your
age? Now that's enough. You remember setting
bull when he was setting party. Come on now.
Okay. Uh -oh. Look, look, look, look. Here comes
that detective running after the elevator. I
wonder what would happen if I took my foot out
just about right now. Oh, oh, oh! Just as I thought.
Why did you make me miss that elevator? I thought
you could get there quicker by air. I don't know.
If you don't... Oh, look. What? Oh, look at those
nice house dresses. Oh. They're just what I need.
Yes, you is as big as a house, ain't you? Now,
don't be smarty. Junior, look at the toy department.
Why don't you look around? You might see something
you like. And if you're good, I might bring you
back to see it again sometime. Well, thanks,
Sporty. That's nice of you. Oh look, a hobby
horse, a hobby horse. Now get off of that hobby
horse. The British is coming, the British is
coming. Junior, get off that hobby horse. One
by land and two by sea, and on the opposite your
eyes will be under the spreading chestnut tree.
The British is coming. I said get off! The Marines
have landed. Thanks for being with us tonight.
We invite you to listen again next week to an
evening with Sigmund Romberg. So until then...
This is Red Skelton saying goodbye now. Thanks
for listening. Thanks for buying more Cools this
year than ever before. And folks, remember the
advice of Willie the Penguin. Smoke. Cool. Smoke.
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listen to people are funny with art link letter
next Friday Red Skelton is heard in this program
through the courtesy of Metro golden mayor and
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