Procter & Gamble brings you The Red Skelton Show,
starring Red Skelton, Dave Rose and his orchestra,
our singing stars, The Four Knights, Verna Felton,
Lorraine Tuttle, Pat McGee, and in yours truly
Rod O 'Connor. Yes, it's The Red Skelton Show,
brought to you by Tide, Procter & Gamble's amazing
new discovery for your whole family watch. Dirt's
out, tide gets close, cleaner than any soap.
Any soap? Yes, any soap. Tide gets close, cleaner
than any soap. T -I -D -E. Tide. Ladies and gentlemen,
how are you, O 'Connor? I'm fine, Red. How was
your trip to Washington, D .C.? Oh, it was really
swell. And I'd like to say here and now, it's
a wonderful feeling to go to Washington from
Hollywood without a subpoena in your hand. What
did you think of Washington, Red? Oh, it's really
a great city. White gleaming buildings and the
treasury department. Broad avenues and the treasury
department and beautiful memorials and treasury
department. Just a minute, you know, the treasury
department seems to have made quite an impression
on you. Annually, bub, annually. I took my uncle
over to the Bureau of Engraving where they make
money, and he looked at the machines, he says,
look at the dirty crooks, they stole my idea.
Well, shall we try some jokes now? Yeah. Brad,
you went back to the nation's capital to attend
the Variety Club's banquet honoring Secretary
of State Marshall, didn't you? Yeah, I felt that
the General Marshall and I have a lot in common.
See, we're both in the same outfit together during
the war. Of course, he was a five -star general
and I was just a six -button private. I could
have had a better rating, but they never came
around the guardhouse to see the good work I
was doing. Well, the Variety Club gave Secretary
Marshall the humanitarian award for his services
to mankind, didn't they? Tell me... What did
they give you? Wait till I find my fi - here
it is. Uh, what's that? What'd they give me?
Yeah. The usual 24 hours, they get out of town.
Hardly worth finding, was it? Well, where did
you stay when you were back? I stayed at the
Stagger - the Statler Hotel. From the looks of
those holes, boy, I was right at the first -
Classy place. Yeah, it's really high class. Did
you have a suite? No, I took my wife with me.
Boy, the place was really loaded with politicians.
You know, everybody talks politics in Washington,
but they're only interested in what they've got
to sell. I said to one guy, what do you think
the Taft -Hartley bill? He says, I think they
should pay it. Did the people go for you back
there? Yeah, with a club as usual. One cab driver
asked me if I was a congressman. I says, no,
a comedian. He says, oh, third party, huh? Is
that any of the famous building? Oh yeah, yeah,
I did. I visited the White House, but the man
of the house wasn't in. He wasn't? No, they said
he was out trying to talk the landlords into
re -luing his lease. You know, Dewey and Truman
are traveling so close together, Truman got up
this morning, had on Dewey's pajamas. I had lunch
at the White House while I was in Washington.
Really? Yeah, I had lunch there. Of course, I
didn't get any butter. The chain on my knife
was so short, I couldn't reach it. I saw Dewey
at the White House and he was writing a postcard
home to his wife and I peeked over his shoulder
and it says, having a wonderful time. Wish I
were here. How Tide gets clothes cleaner than
any soap. Any soap? Yes, any soap. Now hold on
there just a minute. That cake of soap I got
for Christmas back in 1906 was still pretty powerful.
But I hear that they got some mighty good new
soaps and sudsers on the markets now. Did I?
You're so right. Yeah. Let me tell you about
Tide. Tide gets clothes cleaner than any of them.
Soap or sudsers, old or new, Procter and Gamble's
Tide gets clothes cleaner than any washing product
known. I mean gets all your clothes cleaner too.
Your whole family wash top to bottom from linens
and prints to work shirts and overalls. Tide
not only leaves them free from dirt, Tide removes
dingy soap film too. Think of it. All this amazing
cleaning power, yet Tide is safe. Truly safe
for all your washable colors. In fact, Tide spruces
up gay checks and prints. Actually brightens
those soap dull colors. And in hardest water,
Tide gets white things whiter than any other
washing product known. Tide keeps them white
too. Week in, week out. Never turns them yellow.
No, wash day products are not all alike. Tide
and tide alone gives you all this. The cleanest,
brightest, whitest wash you ever hung on the
line. Ladies and gentlemen, did you know that
over 50 % of the doctors that switched to camels
are now back to driving cars again? Ladies and
gentlemen, the Four Knights are here now to sing
Rambling Rose. Everyone knows she's a rambling
rose, she's a beauty growing wild. Birds in their
nests seem to whistle their best for Mother Nature's
favorite child. She's got the kind of affection
that just winds around your heart. You'd better
run for protection or she might upset your father.
I hate to disclose that a rambling rose is gonna
beat her, what a loop. I let her play, but she
can't get away because I know just what to do.
And anyone knows you can train a rose to be a
clinging vine. So from this day hence could be
a picket fence around that rambling rose of mine.
Round that rambling rose of mine. Oh, how they
sigh when she passes by. She thrills them with
a sweet perfume. Nobody's brush has painted her
blood That's just a natural bloom Cause everyone
knows she's a rambling rose She's a beauty and
she's running wild Birds in their nests seem
to whistle their best As for Mother Nature's
favorite child I hate to disclose That my rambling
rose is gonna meet Her Waterloo And from this
day hence There'll be a great big you'll meet
sooner or later. Have you ever met anyone who
mistook you for somebody else? Well, old Clem
Kadiddlehopper did once, and so will you sooner
or later. She's a rambling rose. Boy, I really
sing it when I get done with it. You can smell
it, man. Well, sir, I just registered for the
draft again. They didn't know how to classify
me either. Dead or alive. They said they're going
to defer me because I'm a farmer. Of course,
my corn crop wasn't too good this year. The ears
were so bad they were wearing hearing aids. Well,
I'll stop in the Daisy June's house and get a
bite to eat. I wonder what she's gonna have for
supper tonight. I hope it ain't hash. She's so
impulsive, you know. Oh, here comes that same
car again. Now, that guy's been following me
for an hour. I hope I ain't in any trouble of
any kind. Somebody told me that the dog catcher
had a warrant for me. Well, if it ain't Lieutenant
Muscle, remember me. I don't even remember me.
Stop playing dumb. I ain't playing dumb. I'm
sincere about it. You remember the way you pushed
us GIs around? Well, you ain't got those bars
on your shoulders now. Here, let go of my Adam's
apple. It ain't ripe enough to pick yet. I told
you overseas that if I ever met you when you
got out of the army, I was going to punch you
in the nose. I've never seen you going to punch
who in the nose. I'm going to punch you. Oh,
you just try it once. You'll be surprised. You
see, it was easier than you thought. Lieutenant,
get up. Say, just a minute. What? Stand over
here in the leg. You were doing all right when
we were standing in the dark. Oh, look, I'm awfully
sorry, fella, but from a distance, you look just
like Lieutenant Muscle. No kidding. Yeah, did
I hurt you? Oh, no, no. I tied this knot in my
spine to remember something. Yeah, I'm sorry
I punched you without thinking. Well, I'm not.
If you'd have thought about it, you'd have done
a better job. Now, please accept my apologies
for mistaking you for Lieutenant Muscle. You
mean to tell me that there's another guy in the
world that looked yet like me? You look enough
to like to be twins. Ooh, what a gruesome thought.
No hard feelings, eh, buddy? I ain't got no feelings
at all, now. Hey, can I drop you off someplace?
No, no, my girl's house is right here. I'm...
Better hurry, I'll be late for supper. Okay.
Of all the experiences I've had... Howdy, Clam!
Well, dee -dee -dee -dee -dee -dee -dee -dee
-dee -dee -dee -dee -dee -dee -dee -dee -dee
-dee -de Of course, he had his fist out at the
time. Won't you come in? Well, thank you. Don't
mind me. Well, wait till I open the screen door.
I'm sorry. I didn't notice the screen. I thought
those specks in front of my eyes were turning
to squares. Why have you just in time to help
me with the supper dishes? Dishes? You mean you've
already eaten? No, no, I never expected a cat's
after me like this, a catastrophe like this.
You eatin'? Didn't you eat, Clam? Are you accusing
me of doing something behind your back? Oh, I'm
sorry, Clam. Oh, it's alright. Are you hungry?
No, I ain't hungry. Your stomach growlin'? That
wasn't thunder you heard. Look, if you'll help
me with the dishes, I'll fix you a bite to eat.
Okay, okay. Throw a little tide in there, that'll
do. I'll wash, and you dry. Why should I dry?
I ain't even wet. Oh, blam. Why must you act
like an imbecile? Because I refuse to put on
airs. Oh. Here, take this towel to dry the dishes
with. I'm pretty good at drying dishes. Watch
me, I'll dry three of them at a time. Now watch
this. Stop showing off. You can't dry three dishes
at a time. You're liable to break one. Oh, poofity
poof. I've been drying dishes all my life. I
never broke one. Until now. Oh, Clam. I bought
those dishes to have when I got married. It was
a service for sex. Marrying someone with kids?
Somebody's walking around out there, a prowler.
Hey, what are you doing? Hey, who are you? Who
are you? You're going to tell me who you are,
am I going to have to run from a light? Say,
would you tell me where 521 Keys Avenue is? Lieutenant
Mussel. Here. I've been looking for you. Now
it's me, remember me? How can I ever forget you?
Here, you know, let go of my ear, will you? Now,
ooh, look what you've done. to my ear. I look
like a lopsided bloodhound now. This is for being
so nasty to the boys in our outfit! Look, old
man, I'm Clem Kadiddlehopper. You just beat up
on me a while ago, remember? Oh, of course, yeah.
I'm sorry. I never can remember faces. No wonder
you keep going around changing a little. I'm
sorry, Clem, but you look so much like Lieutenant
Muscle. Every time I see you, I think of how
he treated our outfit. Well, I just got carried
away. Well, take it easy or I'm going to be the
one that's carried away. I can't keep beating
you up. Here, wear my Dewey button. I'll pin
it on my shirt. I ain't wearing one. Then I'll
know the next time I see you. You said you were
looking for 521 Keys Avenue? Yeah, that's right.
Well, this is the house right here. But you better
go around to the front door. Around here, if
you come to a back door, they shoot and then
ask questions. Of course, they don't get many
answers, but that's okay. Okay, I'll go around
to the front door. Graham, what's keeping you?
I was just talking to a man out here. What was
he doing? There he is now. I told him to go around
the front and let him in. Howdy, Doody. Pardon
me. Could you tell me where... Lieutenant Muscle!
Here! I told you I'd look you up! Get up, you
rat! Get up! Look, you eager beaver, you! That's
a new kind of a beaver, Eddie. I'm Klim Kadidlhopper.
Look, I'm wearing the Dewey button, see? I'm
sorry. Politics ain't gonna help you. Now take
that! For what? A manslaughter charge. Good thing
I don't lose my temper easily. Here, you big
bully, what are you trying to do? Not play him
silly? If you are, you're wasting your time.
Get up on your feet, Lieutenant Muscle. He ain't
Lieutenant Muscle. Muscle died over a year ago.
Muscle's dead? Well, that explains the resemblance.
You see, Lieutenant Muscle's dead. Yep. Gee,
I'm sure sorry to hear that. He was the nicest
guy I ever knew. With him gone, life won't be
worth living. It'll help me out a little. Gee,
poor Lieutenant Muscle. Well, I'll be seeing
you around. I'll never in all my life. Oh, my
poor... I'll fix you something to eat. No, never
mind. I couldn't chew it with my teeth scattered
all over the rug. I'm going. You're going home?
No, I'm going over to The Undertaker's and get
an appraisal. I'll see you later. Aren't you
gonna chaos me? Look, haven't I taken enough
punishment already? playing puppet serenade.
Thank you, Dave Rose. And now here's a question
for the ladies. Are you washing dishes in hard
water? If your answer is yes, my answer is tide.
If your answer is no, mine is still tide. Because
in hard water or soft, Procter & Gamble's Amazing
Tide washes dishes cleaner than any soap in the
world. Tide cuts grease better than any soap,
too. And just think of this. Tide leaves no scum
in the dish water. No greasy ring round the pan.
And never, never a cloudy film on dishes or glasses.
They rinse and dry clear and sparkling, whether
you wipe them or not. And suds, tide gives oceans
of them. They come fast and they come to stay.
In hardest water, tide suds last and last. And
yes, they're definitely easy on hands. Say, if
all these things sound like miracles, well, they
are. And they happen in hardest water. Try tide.
and they'll happen in your dish pan. A page from
the Mean Little Kids Diary. Have you ever gone
shopping in a department store and look around
and see somebody else's kid getting into everything?
The Mean Little Kids, no exception, and the department
store are never the same. I hope you're holding
on to Junior. No, I'm not. I thought you had
him. He's gone! Oh, Mother will never find him
among all these people. Should we call for help?
Yes. These people are going to need it. Oh, there
he is. Junior! Yes, kiddo? Come here to me now,
this instant. Okay, now don't you hit me. If
you hit me, boy, I'll tell Pop that I was twins.
And you'll never be able to explain what you
did with the other one. explain you. Well. You
shouldn't wander away in this crowd, Junior.
You couldn't say. Listen, you might get lost,
and how would we ever find you? You mean you
would try? Certainly. Boy, some people don't
know when they wear a suit. No, Mother, we better
get on with our shopping. Hey, will you buy me
a cowboy suit? No, I won't buy you a cowboy suit.
Well, you don't have to get nasty about it. Come
on, Junior, come on. Okay. Now, be careful going
through the revolving doors. You might get your
head caught and jam it. Yes. Well, you know,
people wouldn't be able to get into the store.
Right. That's a question I'd never seen. Hey,
how'd this door work, huh? Well, you just step
into one of those little places and push. Okay.
Well, that's funny. This door looks the same
on the inside as it does on the outside. Oh,
Junior, you're not supposed to go all the way
around. Oh. Come on, I'll show you. Okay. Boy,
this is fun. I'd like to get that spinning real
fast. Why do you trip people up and down? What's
the matter with you? What's the matter? Why are
you acting so strangely, Junior? What are you
staring at? Look, people standing still yet they're
going upstairs. Maybe I've caught grandpa's sickness.
Does Alcoholics Anonymous has a kindergarten
class? No, dear. That's an escalator. A what?
Escalator. No, an escalator. I want to know now.
What is it? Oh no, I'm afraid, I'm afraid. Well
here, I lift you on. Now stand still. Oh boy,
ain't there something. Stairs that walk. Boy,
we ought to have one of these in the house. It
would save you and mummy a lot of trouble carrying
gramps upstairs at three o 'clock in the morning.
Junior, are you insinuating that your grandfather
drinks to excess? Oh no, no, no. He drinks to
get blado. of people on their thing. I sure like
to nail their shoes to the steps, boy. Boy, they
want to get up at the end, they couldn't get
up, and they would go right through that little
crack. Oh, what an imagination. Well, we're almost
at the top. I'll be careful, Junior. OK. Now,
wasn't that fun? Now I don't care much for it,
no. Mother, I'm going over to the shoe department.
Will you watch, Junior? Yes, dear. Hey, Namor,
is you going to give me some money to buy Mommy
a present? Well, what do you want to buy her?
Well, I don't know. How about some toy soldiers
and a pair of skates and a... and a feet ball
or something? I thought it was too good to be
true. You're just thinking of yourself. Oh, what
did you suggest I could get her? Give her something
she can use. Oh. A hairbrush. Oh, no! No, I'm
not buying my own booby trap, kiddo. I'm stuck.
I just don't know what to get her. She has so
much, you know. Oh, Junior. A kookalookas she's
got in her. Junior, look. They're having a fall
dress sale. Fall dresses, huh? That must be those
dresses without the shoulder straps on them.
You know what holds them up? A city ordinance.
Well, she just walked away and left me here all
alone with a new world to conquer all... Boy,
I think I'll just pick up something. Oh, that's
a silly thing to say. Look where I is in the
piano department. Ooh, the toy department. Oh,
where's old Red Whisperface? Where he at? Not
here yet, huh? I think I'll just stop for a second.
Ooh, look at the little rubber balls. Just what
I need, boy. I think I'll take one of them home
and try it. And if I decide that I want it, I'll
come back and open a charge account. My mommy.
Hey mommy! Over here! Yes? Where's your grandmother?
I thought she was watching you. Well, she's only
got two eyes, kiddo. She's only got two eyes.
Well, where is she? She's over there. Come on.
Oh, well now, come on. Let's go. Yeah, just hurry.
Wait a minute. Now, what have you got under your
coat? Don't ask silly questions. Let's get out
of here! Now, let me see that. It's a ball. Junior,
where did you get it? Never mind. Let's get going.
I'm loaded down with hot goods. You're asking
silly questions. The reform school is beckoning
me. Come on! Junior, come back here. I want to
know, where did you get this ball? What's going
on here? Shh! Not too loud. Junior, you didn't
take that rubber ball? Yes, he did, Mother! Well,
why don't you both yell a little louder? Maybe
the store detective ain't hurt you yet! Junior,
now you march right over and put it back. No,
no, don't make me put it back. Don't make me
put it back. He got me fingerprints on it. If
they catch me, it's up the river. Go up there
with Pop. Oh, I don't know what to do with you.
And you wanted twins. If he were twins, I'd pick
one of them up and knock the other one down with
him. Junior, you put that back. No, no, no. I
want it. I want it. I want it. Oh, wait until
I get you home. Don't take it away from me, please.
Don't take it away from me. I want a ball. I
want a ball. I'll hold my breath till I die.
Junior, stop that! Junior! I'm the Thorwalker.
What seems to be the trouble with this little
purple -faced boy? Oh, it's my little boy. He's
holding his breath because I won't buy him that
ball. Well, for heaven's sake, buy him one! No!
I don't want him spoiled. If I blow up, I'll
be really... We can't have anything like this
in our store. He might die. Oh, no, no, no, no.
Now what's the matter? What he said, he scared
me. He scared me. Oh, don't cry, darling. That's
not you, man. I'd kick you in the shins, I would.
I didn't have my good shoes on, I'd kick you.
Poor baby. Don't cry now, darling. Oh, he's sorry.
Here, how much is the ball? I knew I'd get one.
The ball is 50 cents. All right sir, there you
are. Here Junior, here's a nice beautiful red
ball. Oh no, I don't want it. You're not gonna
spoil me, kiddo. Thanks for being with us tonight,
and we hope you liked our program well enough
to be with us next week. So until next Friday,
this is Red Skelton saying goodbye now, and thanks
for listening, and thanks for buying more and
more of that wash day miracle, Tide. Tide's in,
dirt's out, Tide gets clothes cleaner than any
soap, T -I -D -E, Tide. This is NBC, the national
broadcasting company. company.