Ladies and gentlemen, Bristol Myers, makers of
iPana for the Smile of Beauty and Truchet, the
beforehand lotion, present the Eddie Cantor Show
with Burt Gordon, the Mad Russian, Thelma Carpenter,
Leonard Sousa's Orchestra, our special guest,
Jack Benny, yours truly, Harry von Zell, and
starring Eddie Cantor! and grieving why mess
around with strife I never was cut out to step
and strut out give me the simple life some find
it pleasant dining on pheasant those things roll
off my knife just serve me tomatoes and mashed
potatoes give me the simple life a cottage small
is all I'm after not one that's spacious and
wide A house that rings with joy and laughter
And the ones you love inside Some like the high
road, I like the low road Free from the care
and strife Sounds corny and seedy, but yes indeedy
Give me the simple life Living, I find, is best
when your mind is Keen as a carving knife I'm
crazy about sleep, can't do without sleep Give
me the simple life I love to whittle and play
a little, tune on a ten -cent pie. I don't aim
to worry, hustle or hurry. What am I rushing
about? We got a half hour. Give me a... We take
you now to the home of Eddie Cantor, where Eddie,
like millions of other Americans, is filling
out his income tax. Well, Harry, Manziel, I'm
almost finished. Oh, good. Yeah, but I must have
made a mistake somewhere. Why, what do you mean?
I still have money left. Maybe I didn't deduct
enough. Maybe I've got some more money. Didn't
deduct enough. Listen Eddie, the tax blank says
you're allowed to deduct $400 for each child
and I think you're doing very well. Yeah, well...
I wish I had Bing Crosby's dependents, believe
me. What do you... That doesn't make sense. You
have five daughters. Bing has four sons. It would
cost you an extra $400. Who cares? Four boys
at $100 a piece? Where can I do better? Well,
Eddie, income tax this year really is a problem,
isn't it? Ah, but we shouldn't complain, Harry.
After all, this is really the land of opportunity.
A man can start out at the beginning of the year
just a bum. He gets himself a job, buys himself
some clothes, gets a new car, a house, builds
a bank account, comes March the 15th, a bum again.
But you know, Eddie, really? What's the matter,
Harry? I'm worried about my tax this year. Why
are you worried about? Why don't you pay it quarterly?
Well, I'm undecided. I don't know whether to
pay it in four quarters or give them the whole
bucket once. Oh, stop, Harry. Well, the questions
are so complicated. Look, for instance, number
two, computation of alternative tax. Number four,
balance subject to normal tax. See, computation
form 1040. That's nothing, Harry. For millions
of people, the toughest question of the tax this
year is number 17. What is it? Where do you live?
Well, tell me this, Eddie. Did you have trouble
raising money for your tax this year? No, Harry.
Like last year, I tried everything. I tried...
Last Saturday, I even went out to Santa Anita
for the $100 ,000 handicap, and I bet on Sorosa,
the smartest horse in the race. Sorosa. Smartest?
Well, look, if he's so smart, how come he ran
last? Don't you see, Harry? Just before he reached
the finish line, he figured out what the tax
would be on that $100 ,000. Step back and let
the other horses go by. That's all. A horse called
Warnight won that race, didn't he? Oh, Warnight,
yes. And what a strange sight it was watching
him come in to win the $100 ,000 handicap. What
was strange about it? There he was, flashing
across the finish line with a jockey and two
income tax collectors on his back. And another
collector was hanging on to his tail. Well, what
for? Back taxes. Listen, are you going to mail
your return in now? Not yet, Harry. I'm not through
with it yet. I called my lawyers and they promised
to send over one of the greatest tax experts
in the country. I wonder who he is. Who? Who?
How do you do? It's very important, the mad Russian.
Russian, you? You are an income tax expert. That
seems to be the consensus of my opinion. You
see, it only took me a few minutes to fill out
my own return. And for my earning, I declare
$20. But you earned $2 ,000. Why did you only
put down 20? I'm not sure. Gresham, listen to
me a minute. Where did you ever learn to fill
out an income tax return? For my father. Yeah?
His clients never paid any tax. My daddy was
a tax expert. No, no, no, no. No, you mean expert.
Expert. Export means something sent across the
water. That's my daddy. He's up the river. That's
my daddy. He's up the river twice. Uh -huh, Roxanne.
You... Roxanne, that's just what'll happen to
you. Sure. You know nothing about figuring a
tack. Don't say that! That doesn't say! When
I was only eight years old, I won a degree in
mathematics. You did? Yes. I was the only kid
in the school who could count up to 12 on his
finger. Well, how could you do that, Russian?
You only have 10 fingers. When the teacher wasn't
looking, I rang in two toes. Oh, Russian, I wouldn't
let you figure out my tax. Why you couldn't even
add one and one? Why, a little baby could add
one and one. All right, Russian, how much is
one and one? Do you think I'm a little baby?
Say something, give me something tougher. Something
intricate, like something like, how much is two
and two? Very well, how much is two and two?
No, you are talking. Two and two, eh? Let me
see, two and two. Add one, get it to zero. Steve
Anzal? Yes? Let's go back to 101. I'll tell you
how much one -on -one is. One -on -one is two.
Oh -ho! No wonder he's my boy. Oh, Russian, listen,
why don't you list your brain as a dependent?
I couldn't do it. Why not? Non -support. I'm
just wasting my time with you. You can't help
me. But I can, I can. Can't I? Yes. The whole
trouble with your income tax is the mathematics.
Yes. Give it to me and I'll check it with my
own personal ledger. Ledger? Ledger? Yeah. Russian,
you're looking at a copy of Esquire. What kind
of figures can you find in there? Silly boy.
Oh, Harry. Let him go, let him go. I can't depend
on the Russians. No. Here, Harry, you take my
income tax returns and see that it's mailed,
please. Yeah, okay. Hey, look, Eddie. How come
you declared an income from your house in Palm
Springs? I had to, don't you remember? I rented
it to Jack Benny for $100 a month. Okay. He's
had it for four months. And all I've received
from him is a postcard. What did the postcard
say? Enclosed fine check. The schemes that man
figures out to avoid paying the rent. I've got
the postcard right here with you. Oh, you have?
Listen to what Benny wrote me. Dear Eddie, 30
days has September, April, June, and November.
All the rest have 31, except February, which
has 28, so why do you charge me the same rent
for February as all the other months? Oh, Eddie,
that's awful. Listen, why do you let Jack get
away with that? Listen, why don't you go down
there and demand your rent? Same. You got something,
Harry? Isn't that good? And you come to Palm
Springs with me. While I'm doing business with
Jack, we can also take in some of that desert
sun. Harry, you know, there's nothing like the
sun to help make a person look his best. Oh,
I don't know, Eddie. I can think of something
else that helps a person look his best. What,
Harry? What? Well, I -P -A -N -A. That spells
eye -panna. And eye -panna spells a lovely, sparkling
smile. Because, you see, eye -panna toothpaste,
when used in massage, helps give your gums the
stimulation they need to keep them firm and healthy.
And it's firm, healthy gums that are so important
to sound teeth to brighter, lovelier smiles.
So try eye -panna toothpaste and gum massage
like this. Brush your teeth with eye -panna,
and every time you do, put a little extra eye
-panna on your brush or fingertip and massage
it on your gums. Then see the difference. See
how eye -panna toothpaste and gum massage can
help you to the smile of beauty. Seems like old
times having you to walk with. Seems like old
times having you to talk with. And it's still
a thrill just to have you. I found you seems
like old time. Dinner dates and flowers just
like old time. Staying up for hours making dreams.
and dream. In just a few minutes, Bo will be
at my house. Look, Eddie, all I packed was an
overnight bag. How long do you think we'll stay?
Oh, just long enough to collect some money from
Jack Benny. Well, then I better send for my trunk.
Look, Eddie, I was wondering, are you sure Jack
won't mind us busting in on him like this? Oh,
Harry, he'll be tickled to death. After all,
he must be lonesome in that big house of mine
all by himself. We can sleep in my blue bedroom.
You'll love it, Harry. The blue bedroom has got
all... Oh, Mr. Benny? Yes, Bellboy? Mr. Benny,
we got a complaint from the couple you rented
the blue bedroom to last night. What are they
complaining about? The other couple you rented
it to this morning. Well, if those four people
can't get along in a little room like that, what
chance have we got for world peace? That's what
I'd like to know. Besides, is it my fault this
house of candor's so small that... Benny's Hotel.
All for one and one for all, a cozy nook with
bath in the hall. Good morning, Jack Benny speaking.
Mr. Benny, this is Mr. Schlemmer, one of your
tenants on the second floor, remember? Oh, yes,
Mr. Schlemmer. How are you getting along in your
room? Well, the majority of us in here are feeling
fine. But now that we've been here a week, we
just took a vote and decided to ask you for another
towel. Of course, I'll set it right up. What
room are you in again, Mr. Schlemmer? It's the
room directly above you. Listen, I'll step my
foot on the floor and you'll hear it. Good morning,
Mr. Benny. Good morning, Mr. Schlemmer. You're
looking well. Thank you. Nice of you to drop
down on me like that. Now you can bring your
towel up yourself. Goodbye, Mr. Schlemmer. Goodbye.
I'd better take these extra towels along, too.
Oh, Mr. Schlemmer? Yes. May I ask why you need
so many towels in your room? Well, I've got to
have something to cover all those pictures of
Eddie Cantor. Oh. Goodbye, Mr. Schlemmer. Goodbye.
Oh, Mr. Schlemmer? Yes. You have a bureau up
there. I mean, instead of covering them with
towels, why don't you put Eddie's pictures in
your drawers? It makes walking a bit uncomfortable,
doesn't it? Oh, of course, of course. Goodbye,
Mr. Schlemmer. Goodbye. Oh, Mr. Schlemmer. How
about the closet? I mean, why don't you just
throw Eddie Kander's pictures in the closet?
I did, but the tenants in there threw them back
at me. Goodbye, Mr. Schlemmer. Yeah, oh, pardon
me. Mr. Schlemmer, I said goodbye. Aren't you
going upstairs to your room? Yes, but why use
the stairs? Just give me a hoist, and I'll crawl
through the same hole I came through. Well, sure,
just put your foot in my hand. Here you go, Mr.
Schlemmer. One, two, three. Two holes in the
ceiling. The canter won't like that. I guess
Schlemmer won't be too happy about it either.
Oh well, he's back in his room anyway. Hello?
Thank you very much. You're welcome. You're welcome.
That Schlemmer is more trouble. Oh Bellboy, give
me that register. Here you are Mr. Benny. Thanks.
Now let's see. Got Mr. Klinker in room 2D. I
get $40 a week from him. In two ways, I've got
Mr. Schlemmer and Miss Elania's guests, $600
a week from them. See, in the attic rooms, Mr.
and Mrs. Ronald Coleman, $80 a week. Gene Autry,
$40. Horse, $40. Fibber McGee, $40. Fred Allen,
$36 .98. $36 .98. Never bargained so much in
my life. Oh well, and there seems to be a vacancy
here. Oh yes, that's a reservation for Ray Milan.
Ray Milan, the fellow who won the Academy Award
for The Lost Weekend? That's right. I'm saving
him that bedroom with a chandelier that holds
four quarts. He should be here any minute. Now,
let me look at this register again. Hmm. 3698.
I can't get over that. Oh, well. Ah, somebody
seems to be coming in. Oh, how do you do, Mr.
Milan? We've been expecting you. Front. Herman?
Yes, Mr. Benny? Will you carry Mr. Milan's ice
bags up to his room? Then come back and carry
Mr. Milan up to his ice bag. Never mind, take
them together. Now where was I? Oh yes, this
register. Guess I'll have to declare all these
rental profits on my income tax. Let's see, this
week I made $2 ,000. Out of that, I saved 3 ,000.
So if I deduct the... back so soon, Herman? Well,
Mr. Millan says he'd like a snack. He wants you
to send up two bowls of pretzels. Two bowls?
His snake wants a snack, too. Pretzels, why?
Tell him that he's in Palm Springs. He and his
snake will have to eat dates like the rest of
us. Pretzels. And Mr. Schlemmer wants more towels.
Well, he's not getting them. Now, where was I?
Oh, yeah, rental profits. Ronald Coleman and
wife, Gene Autry and horse. That's the bridal
suite. That man, $36 .98. Mr. Schlemmer, more
towels he wants. Towels. I've never seen anything
like this. Well, is this your house, Eddie? Yes,
Harry. Oh, look through that window. What? There's
Jack bending over a ledger. He must be filling
out his income tax. Harry, take the car around
to the garage and I'll go in and surprise him.
Okay, Eddie. Hello, Jack. Yeet! How are you,
Jack? Jack, don't stare at me like that. Say
something. Jack, it's me, Eddie Canter. Surprised
to see me? No, no, I'm just lying here on the
floor because I'm tired. Eddie, what brought
you all the way down here? Oh, I just came down
to spend a few days in Palm Springs. That's nice.
Where are you planning to stay? Where am I? Why,
in my house, of course. Here? But Eddie, you
rented it to me. I mean, letting you move in
wouldn't be right. It'd be like taking in Borders.
I mean, what would the OPA say? Look, Jack, certainly
you can find space for me. After all, you're
living in a house all alone with 15 rooms? 14
rooms, Eddie. No, 15 rooms. There's an extra
room in the cellar. There is? And it's been there
all the time? Why didn't you tell me? Jack, don't
get excited. It's just a small room with a bed.
With a band? Oh, it's really nothing, but still
I guess you could make something out of it. Oh,
I know. And I should have. And I will. Eddie,
what are you staring at? You've changed that
nice, homey sign I had over the mantelpiece.
Just a couple of words, it's still homey. Hotel,
sweet hotel? That's homey? And another sign,
be it ever so humble, there's no place so moving
with us. What is that, Jack? Well, Eddie, I...
And those two big holes in the ceiling. Those
two big... How did they get there? There were
termites. Jack, Benny, how could termites make
those two great big holes? How could you stop
that long in the middle of a line? Listen, two
weeks in this Palm Springs sun and there's no
stopping them. By stopping, you stop them too.
Termites couldn't have done that. Jack, are you
sure you're alone here? Eddie, you know how I
love solitude. I'm a hermit at heart, not a soul
here. I even had the phone disconnected. They
connected it. I got it, I got it. Calm down,
Jack. Why get so excited? Give me that phone.
Please, it's my phone. I'll answer it. Hello?
Who's calling? You know who's calling. What's
with my towels? Your what? You heard me. Towels,
towels, this is Schlemmer again. Who? You heard
him, Schlemmer. Schlemmer, give me that phone.
No, I want to find out what's going on here.
Give me that phone. I'm asking you like a gentleman.
Jack, take your knee off my chest. And stop shaking
me. My hair is getting in my eye. That's my hair
and hand it over. The phone too, thanks. Hello,
Mr. Schlemmer? Yeah. What seems to be the problem?
I've simply got to have more towels to cover
those pictures of Eddie Cantor. Jack, what is
he saying? Oh, nothing. Go on, Mr. Slammer. It
was bad enough when only I couldn't stand looking
at that Popeye Goon's pictures, but now every
five minutes some snake slithers into my room
and hisses at him. Oh. Now, I don't mind those
holes in the floor, but I've got to have towels.
Otherwise, I'm checking out and you... lose my
$40. Oh yeah, then get this. That's a Jack Keller.
Listen, Schlemmer, I can't give you a towel because
I have absolutely nothing to do with towels,
so obviously you have the wrong number. However,
they'll be right up. Jack, Jack, what will be
right up? Who knows? I've forgotten the whole
incident. Daddy, it's pretty hot in here. Why
don't you go out for a little walk while I take
care of a little something here. It's not too
hot for me. I'll just pull up this chair and
sit down. Oh, then I'll have to take that other
chair. Here we are. Jack, Jack, that chair. Why
are you standing on it? Well, it's pretty cold
in here. I think I'll plug up those holes in
the ceiling with some of these towels. Wait a
minute, Jack! Wait a minute! I could swear I
saw somebody looking through one of those holes!
Oh, nonsense! Peek -a -boo! Get back in that
hole! John Gophers even get in the ceiling. Jack,
that was a man. Believe me, Eddie, outside of
you and me, there's absolutely nobody in this
house. Carry your bags, Mr. Kanner. Herman, go
away. A bellboy. Welcome to Mr. Benny's hotel.
You're fired. A hotel! Now I understand. Schlemmer
with the towels, bellboys, and this register.
Nothing but names. Jack, you've rented out every
room. The Coleman's $80, Autry $40, Fibber McGee
$40, and... Jack, you let him talk you down to
$38 .98? That's $36 .98, but we'll pass it by.
Now listen, Eddie. How dare you rent rooms in
my house? My house! How can you do... Oh, Eddie.
Yeah, Harry, you should see what's going on in
here. You should see what's going on outside.
Eddie, you've got a beautiful backyard, and with
all those quonset huts... Jack, all this and
huts too? And a tent. There's no tent out there.
I opened it up and went in. It's very roomy.
Listen, I got some laundry on the line, and Don
Wilson will thank you to stop walking in and
out of his underwear. Jack? Jack, Benny, I'm
not gonna let you get away with renting rooms
in my house. You stay here, Harry. We're going
into the library for a little talk. Come on,
Jack. Renting rooms in Eddie's house? No wonder
Eddie is mad. Uh -oh, I better answer that. Hello,
who's calling? I'm the tenant in room 2F. I noticed
some laundry on the line, and I wondered if I
may rinse out a few things in my room. Oh, well,
I'm sorry, lady. I can't advise you on that.
Oh. Well, I just thought I'd ask beforehand.
Beforehand? Oh, well, now, I can advise you on
that. And that's to use true shade, the beforehand
lotion, before you put your hands in hot, soapy
water. Why, lady, you'd be surprised and delighted,
too, when you see how this new idea in hand lotions
guards your hands and helps keep them soft and
lovely. Why, Truchet is so effective that it
will guard your hands even in that hot, soapy
water. Of course, you can use Truchet as you
use any other hand lotion for rough elbows, chapped
legs, and as a powder base. But creamy, fragrant
Truchet gives you the added plus that no ordinary
hand lotion can give you, the help of beforehand
protection when you need it. So if you haven't
yet tried it, why not begin today to use Trouchet.
T -R -U -S -H -A -Y. Gosh, Eddie's had Benny
in that library for over two hours. That must
be quite a battle. In my house, Gene Autry's
horse, a horse, and all those tenants. Eddie,
look. From each one, you're getting $40, $40
a week. I checked with the O .P .O., P .A. Those
are the same prices you charged during the week
of March 10th, 1943. Yeah, but that was the O
.P .A. They were friends. You're allowing anybody
to rent my rooms, anybody. I catered to a restricted
clientele. I didn't allow any dogs, did I? No
dogs, but what about the horse? I told him no,
but he argued with me. How could... What a horse
argument. Every time I said no, he shook his
head yes. Well, why didn't you shake your head?
With what I'm wearing on it, I can't take a chance.
The horse is wearing the same thing in the back
and he did it. You mean his tail has been clipped
off. How do you know? What do you think I'm wearing,
Ming? Jack, let's settle this like friends. Don't
you think I deserve some money out of this, pal?
I won't give you a nickel and I'm not your pal.
Listen, your book show, you've made $4 ,000 renting
rooms in my house, my house. I should get what's
coming to me. You should have gotten that years
ago. Shut up! Jack, even though it breaks up
our friendship, you'll either pay or I'll sue
you, pal. Sue me? What are you saying, pal? Sue
me? That's ridiculous. We're gonna fight over
this? What are we, animals? Of course not, we're
human beings, grown up men. How much do you want?
$2 ,000. Sue me, I won't give you a next... Then
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'll notify
my lawyers. I'll take you to the highest court
in the land. Goodbye, Mr. Benny. Goodbye. Oh,
let me warn you about one thing. If you sue me
in this country, the United States of America,
you won't get any money. But you're an American
citizen. Why won't I get any money? My mattress
happens to be a British subject. It's a Buckingham
pretty rest, and I can prove it. Mary's got the
receipt manufactured in Bristol, England. the
Yorkshire Pudding and Pillow Factory Limited.
$43, no springs, guaranteed for 75 years. I should
live so long. You have. And let me tell you something.
We thank our lucky strikes for Jack Benny's appearance
here tonight. It made a pleasant evening for
all of us, and especially for the servicemen
from the Pasadena Regional Hospital who are in
our audience tonight. Did you have fun, fellas?
We'll be back again next week, ladies and gentlemen.
Won't you join us? And for Duke Bauman and his
followers in Kansas City, Missouri, we're going
to sing, Josephine, Please No Lean on a Bell.
And in the meantime, don't forget the two products
that make our Wednesdays with you possible. iPanna
for the smile of beauty, and Truchet, the beforehand
lotion. iPanna, Truchet, and so remember. I'm
sorry it's true. Good night. Good night, everybody.
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This is NBC, the national broadcasting company.