WEBVTT

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Ladies and gentlemen, Bristol Myers, makers of

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iPana for the Smile of Beauty and Truchet, the

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beforehand lotion, present the Eddie Cantor Show

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with Burt Gordon, the Mad Russian, Thelma Carpenter,

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Leonard Sousa's Orchestra, our special guest,

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Jack Benny, yours truly, Harry von Zell, and

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starring Eddie Cantor! and grieving why mess

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around with strife I never was cut out to step

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and strut out give me the simple life some find

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it pleasant dining on pheasant those things roll

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off my knife just serve me tomatoes and mashed

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potatoes give me the simple life a cottage small

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is all I'm after not one that's spacious and

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wide A house that rings with joy and laughter

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And the ones you love inside Some like the high

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road, I like the low road Free from the care

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and strife Sounds corny and seedy, but yes indeedy

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Give me the simple life Living, I find, is best

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when your mind is Keen as a carving knife I'm

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crazy about sleep, can't do without sleep Give

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me the simple life I love to whittle and play

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a little, tune on a ten -cent pie. I don't aim

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to worry, hustle or hurry. What am I rushing

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about? We got a half hour. Give me a... We take

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you now to the home of Eddie Cantor, where Eddie,

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like millions of other Americans, is filling

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out his income tax. Well, Harry, Manziel, I'm

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almost finished. Oh, good. Yeah, but I must have

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made a mistake somewhere. Why, what do you mean?

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I still have money left. Maybe I didn't deduct

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enough. Maybe I've got some more money. Didn't

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deduct enough. Listen Eddie, the tax blank says

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you're allowed to deduct $400 for each child

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and I think you're doing very well. Yeah, well...

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I wish I had Bing Crosby's dependents, believe

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me. What do you... That doesn't make sense. You

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have five daughters. Bing has four sons. It would

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cost you an extra $400. Who cares? Four boys

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at $100 a piece? Where can I do better? Well,

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Eddie, income tax this year really is a problem,

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isn't it? Ah, but we shouldn't complain, Harry.

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After all, this is really the land of opportunity.

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A man can start out at the beginning of the year

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just a bum. He gets himself a job, buys himself

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some clothes, gets a new car, a house, builds

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a bank account, comes March the 15th, a bum again.

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But you know, Eddie, really? What's the matter,

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Harry? I'm worried about my tax this year. Why

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are you worried about? Why don't you pay it quarterly?

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Well, I'm undecided. I don't know whether to

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pay it in four quarters or give them the whole

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bucket once. Oh, stop, Harry. Well, the questions

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are so complicated. Look, for instance, number

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two, computation of alternative tax. Number four,

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balance subject to normal tax. See, computation

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form 1040. That's nothing, Harry. For millions

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of people, the toughest question of the tax this

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year is number 17. What is it? Where do you live?

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Well, tell me this, Eddie. Did you have trouble

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raising money for your tax this year? No, Harry.

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Like last year, I tried everything. I tried...

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Last Saturday, I even went out to Santa Anita

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for the $100 ,000 handicap, and I bet on Sorosa,

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the smartest horse in the race. Sorosa. Smartest?

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Well, look, if he's so smart, how come he ran

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last? Don't you see, Harry? Just before he reached

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the finish line, he figured out what the tax

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would be on that $100 ,000. Step back and let

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the other horses go by. That's all. A horse called

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Warnight won that race, didn't he? Oh, Warnight,

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yes. And what a strange sight it was watching

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him come in to win the $100 ,000 handicap. What

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was strange about it? There he was, flashing

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across the finish line with a jockey and two

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income tax collectors on his back. And another

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collector was hanging on to his tail. Well, what

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for? Back taxes. Listen, are you going to mail

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your return in now? Not yet, Harry. I'm not through

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with it yet. I called my lawyers and they promised

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to send over one of the greatest tax experts

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in the country. I wonder who he is. Who? Who?

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How do you do? It's very important, the mad Russian.

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Russian, you? You are an income tax expert. That

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seems to be the consensus of my opinion. You

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see, it only took me a few minutes to fill out

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my own return. And for my earning, I declare

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$20. But you earned $2 ,000. Why did you only

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put down 20? I'm not sure. Gresham, listen to

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me a minute. Where did you ever learn to fill

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out an income tax return? For my father. Yeah?

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His clients never paid any tax. My daddy was

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a tax expert. No, no, no, no. No, you mean expert.

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Expert. Export means something sent across the

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water. That's my daddy. He's up the river. That's

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my daddy. He's up the river twice. Uh -huh, Roxanne.

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You... Roxanne, that's just what'll happen to

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you. Sure. You know nothing about figuring a

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tack. Don't say that! That doesn't say! When

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I was only eight years old, I won a degree in

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mathematics. You did? Yes. I was the only kid

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in the school who could count up to 12 on his

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finger. Well, how could you do that, Russian?

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You only have 10 fingers. When the teacher wasn't

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looking, I rang in two toes. Oh, Russian, I wouldn't

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let you figure out my tax. Why you couldn't even

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add one and one? Why, a little baby could add

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one and one. All right, Russian, how much is

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one and one? Do you think I'm a little baby?

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Say something, give me something tougher. Something

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intricate, like something like, how much is two

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and two? Very well, how much is two and two?

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No, you are talking. Two and two, eh? Let me

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see, two and two. Add one, get it to zero. Steve

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Anzal? Yes? Let's go back to 101. I'll tell you

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how much one -on -one is. One -on -one is two.

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Oh -ho! No wonder he's my boy. Oh, Russian, listen,

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why don't you list your brain as a dependent?

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I couldn't do it. Why not? Non -support. I'm

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just wasting my time with you. You can't help

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me. But I can, I can. Can't I? Yes. The whole

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trouble with your income tax is the mathematics.

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Yes. Give it to me and I'll check it with my

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own personal ledger. Ledger? Ledger? Yeah. Russian,

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you're looking at a copy of Esquire. What kind

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of figures can you find in there? Silly boy.

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Oh, Harry. Let him go, let him go. I can't depend

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on the Russians. No. Here, Harry, you take my

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income tax returns and see that it's mailed,

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please. Yeah, okay. Hey, look, Eddie. How come

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you declared an income from your house in Palm

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Springs? I had to, don't you remember? I rented

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it to Jack Benny for $100 a month. Okay. He's

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had it for four months. And all I've received

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from him is a postcard. What did the postcard

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say? Enclosed fine check. The schemes that man

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figures out to avoid paying the rent. I've got

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the postcard right here with you. Oh, you have?

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Listen to what Benny wrote me. Dear Eddie, 30

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days has September, April, June, and November.

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All the rest have 31, except February, which

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has 28, so why do you charge me the same rent

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for February as all the other months? Oh, Eddie,

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that's awful. Listen, why do you let Jack get

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away with that? Listen, why don't you go down

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there and demand your rent? Same. You got something,

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Harry? Isn't that good? And you come to Palm

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Springs with me. While I'm doing business with

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Jack, we can also take in some of that desert

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sun. Harry, you know, there's nothing like the

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sun to help make a person look his best. Oh,

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I don't know, Eddie. I can think of something

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else that helps a person look his best. What,

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Harry? What? Well, I -P -A -N -A. That spells

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eye -panna. And eye -panna spells a lovely, sparkling

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smile. Because, you see, eye -panna toothpaste,

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when used in massage, helps give your gums the

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stimulation they need to keep them firm and healthy.

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And it's firm, healthy gums that are so important

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to sound teeth to brighter, lovelier smiles.

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So try eye -panna toothpaste and gum massage

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like this. Brush your teeth with eye -panna,

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and every time you do, put a little extra eye

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-panna on your brush or fingertip and massage

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it on your gums. Then see the difference. See

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how eye -panna toothpaste and gum massage can

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help you to the smile of beauty. Seems like old

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times having you to walk with. Seems like old

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times having you to talk with. And it's still

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a thrill just to have you. I found you seems

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like old time. Dinner dates and flowers just

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like old time. Staying up for hours making dreams.

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and dream. In just a few minutes, Bo will be

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at my house. Look, Eddie, all I packed was an

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overnight bag. How long do you think we'll stay?

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Oh, just long enough to collect some money from

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Jack Benny. Well, then I better send for my trunk.

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Look, Eddie, I was wondering, are you sure Jack

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won't mind us busting in on him like this? Oh,

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Harry, he'll be tickled to death. After all,

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he must be lonesome in that big house of mine

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all by himself. We can sleep in my blue bedroom.

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You'll love it, Harry. The blue bedroom has got

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all... Oh, Mr. Benny? Yes, Bellboy? Mr. Benny,

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we got a complaint from the couple you rented

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the blue bedroom to last night. What are they

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complaining about? The other couple you rented

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it to this morning. Well, if those four people

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can't get along in a little room like that, what

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chance have we got for world peace? That's what

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I'd like to know. Besides, is it my fault this

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house of candor's so small that... Benny's Hotel.

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All for one and one for all, a cozy nook with

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bath in the hall. Good morning, Jack Benny speaking.

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Mr. Benny, this is Mr. Schlemmer, one of your

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tenants on the second floor, remember? Oh, yes,

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Mr. Schlemmer. How are you getting along in your

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room? Well, the majority of us in here are feeling

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fine. But now that we've been here a week, we

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just took a vote and decided to ask you for another

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towel. Of course, I'll set it right up. What

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room are you in again, Mr. Schlemmer? It's the

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room directly above you. Listen, I'll step my

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foot on the floor and you'll hear it. Good morning,

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Mr. Benny. Good morning, Mr. Schlemmer. You're

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looking well. Thank you. Nice of you to drop

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down on me like that. Now you can bring your

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towel up yourself. Goodbye, Mr. Schlemmer. Goodbye.

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I'd better take these extra towels along, too.

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Oh, Mr. Schlemmer? Yes. May I ask why you need

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so many towels in your room? Well, I've got to

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have something to cover all those pictures of

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Eddie Cantor. Oh. Goodbye, Mr. Schlemmer. Goodbye.

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Oh, Mr. Schlemmer? Yes. You have a bureau up

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there. I mean, instead of covering them with

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towels, why don't you put Eddie's pictures in

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your drawers? It makes walking a bit uncomfortable,

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doesn't it? Oh, of course, of course. Goodbye,

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Mr. Schlemmer. Goodbye. Oh, Mr. Schlemmer. How

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about the closet? I mean, why don't you just

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throw Eddie Kander's pictures in the closet?

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I did, but the tenants in there threw them back

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at me. Goodbye, Mr. Schlemmer. Yeah, oh, pardon

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me. Mr. Schlemmer, I said goodbye. Aren't you

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going upstairs to your room? Yes, but why use

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the stairs? Just give me a hoist, and I'll crawl

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through the same hole I came through. Well, sure,

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just put your foot in my hand. Here you go, Mr.

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Schlemmer. One, two, three. Two holes in the

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ceiling. The canter won't like that. I guess

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Schlemmer won't be too happy about it either.

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Oh well, he's back in his room anyway. Hello?

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Thank you very much. You're welcome. You're welcome.

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That Schlemmer is more trouble. Oh Bellboy, give

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me that register. Here you are Mr. Benny. Thanks.

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Now let's see. Got Mr. Klinker in room 2D. I

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get $40 a week from him. In two ways, I've got

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Mr. Schlemmer and Miss Elania's guests, $600

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a week from them. See, in the attic rooms, Mr.

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and Mrs. Ronald Coleman, $80 a week. Gene Autry,

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$40. Horse, $40. Fibber McGee, $40. Fred Allen,

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$36 .98. $36 .98. Never bargained so much in

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my life. Oh well, and there seems to be a vacancy

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here. Oh yes, that's a reservation for Ray Milan.

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Ray Milan, the fellow who won the Academy Award

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for The Lost Weekend? That's right. I'm saving

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him that bedroom with a chandelier that holds

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four quarts. He should be here any minute. Now,

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let me look at this register again. Hmm. 3698.

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I can't get over that. Oh, well. Ah, somebody

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seems to be coming in. Oh, how do you do, Mr.

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Milan? We've been expecting you. Front. Herman?

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Yes, Mr. Benny? Will you carry Mr. Milan's ice

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bags up to his room? Then come back and carry

00:17:03.450 --> 00:17:09.250
Mr. Milan up to his ice bag. Never mind, take

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them together. Now where was I? Oh yes, this

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register. Guess I'll have to declare all these

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rental profits on my income tax. Let's see, this

00:17:19.109 --> 00:17:25.410
week I made $2 ,000. Out of that, I saved 3 ,000.

00:17:31.730 --> 00:17:35.950
So if I deduct the... back so soon, Herman? Well,

00:17:35.950 --> 00:17:38.369
Mr. Millan says he'd like a snack. He wants you

00:17:38.369 --> 00:17:40.890
to send up two bowls of pretzels. Two bowls?

00:17:41.190 --> 00:17:45.170
His snake wants a snack, too. Pretzels, why?

00:17:45.390 --> 00:17:48.190
Tell him that he's in Palm Springs. He and his

00:17:48.190 --> 00:17:50.150
snake will have to eat dates like the rest of

00:17:50.150 --> 00:17:55.250
us. Pretzels. And Mr. Schlemmer wants more towels.

00:17:55.289 --> 00:17:58.069
Well, he's not getting them. Now, where was I?

00:17:58.430 --> 00:18:00.670
Oh, yeah, rental profits. Ronald Coleman and

00:18:00.670 --> 00:18:03.869
wife, Gene Autry and horse. That's the bridal

00:18:03.869 --> 00:18:13.730
suite. That man, $36 .98. Mr. Schlemmer, more

00:18:13.730 --> 00:18:16.130
towels he wants. Towels. I've never seen anything

00:18:16.130 --> 00:18:28.769
like this. Well, is this your house, Eddie? Yes,

00:18:29.009 --> 00:18:31.710
Harry. Oh, look through that window. What? There's

00:18:31.710 --> 00:18:34.130
Jack bending over a ledger. He must be filling

00:18:34.130 --> 00:18:36.809
out his income tax. Harry, take the car around

00:18:36.809 --> 00:18:38.490
to the garage and I'll go in and surprise him.

00:18:38.549 --> 00:18:48.809
Okay, Eddie. Hello, Jack. Yeet! How are you,

00:18:48.869 --> 00:18:51.990
Jack? Jack, don't stare at me like that. Say

00:18:51.990 --> 00:18:55.529
something. Jack, it's me, Eddie Canter. Surprised

00:18:55.529 --> 00:18:58.019
to see me? No, no, I'm just lying here on the

00:18:58.019 --> 00:19:04.859
floor because I'm tired. Eddie, what brought

00:19:04.859 --> 00:19:06.900
you all the way down here? Oh, I just came down

00:19:06.900 --> 00:19:09.279
to spend a few days in Palm Springs. That's nice.

00:19:09.440 --> 00:19:16.240
Where are you planning to stay? Where am I? Why,

00:19:16.240 --> 00:19:19.640
in my house, of course. Here? But Eddie, you

00:19:19.640 --> 00:19:21.500
rented it to me. I mean, letting you move in

00:19:21.500 --> 00:19:23.960
wouldn't be right. It'd be like taking in Borders.

00:19:27.529 --> 00:19:30.849
I mean, what would the OPA say? Look, Jack, certainly

00:19:30.849 --> 00:19:32.910
you can find space for me. After all, you're

00:19:32.910 --> 00:19:35.710
living in a house all alone with 15 rooms? 14

00:19:35.710 --> 00:19:37.990
rooms, Eddie. No, 15 rooms. There's an extra

00:19:37.990 --> 00:19:49.869
room in the cellar. There is? And it's been there

00:19:49.869 --> 00:19:54.230
all the time? Why didn't you tell me? Jack, don't

00:19:54.230 --> 00:19:56.529
get excited. It's just a small room with a bed.

00:19:56.809 --> 00:20:00.650
With a band? Oh, it's really nothing, but still

00:20:00.650 --> 00:20:03.250
I guess you could make something out of it. Oh,

00:20:03.250 --> 00:20:13.609
I know. And I should have. And I will. Eddie,

00:20:13.930 --> 00:20:16.069
what are you staring at? You've changed that

00:20:16.069 --> 00:20:18.230
nice, homey sign I had over the mantelpiece.

00:20:18.529 --> 00:20:21.390
Just a couple of words, it's still homey. Hotel,

00:20:21.569 --> 00:20:26.279
sweet hotel? That's homey? And another sign,

00:20:26.420 --> 00:20:28.400
be it ever so humble, there's no place so moving

00:20:28.400 --> 00:20:35.279
with us. What is that, Jack? Well, Eddie, I...

00:20:35.279 --> 00:20:37.859
And those two big holes in the ceiling. Those

00:20:37.859 --> 00:20:40.140
two big... How did they get there? There were

00:20:40.140 --> 00:20:44.660
termites. Jack, Benny, how could termites make

00:20:44.660 --> 00:20:47.599
those two great big holes? How could you stop

00:20:47.599 --> 00:20:51.920
that long in the middle of a line? Listen, two

00:20:51.920 --> 00:20:53.880
weeks in this Palm Springs sun and there's no

00:20:53.880 --> 00:20:58.009
stopping them. By stopping, you stop them too.

00:20:58.630 --> 00:21:01.210
Termites couldn't have done that. Jack, are you

00:21:01.210 --> 00:21:03.430
sure you're alone here? Eddie, you know how I

00:21:03.430 --> 00:21:05.630
love solitude. I'm a hermit at heart, not a soul

00:21:05.630 --> 00:21:10.390
here. I even had the phone disconnected. They

00:21:10.390 --> 00:21:12.750
connected it. I got it, I got it. Calm down,

00:21:12.829 --> 00:21:14.210
Jack. Why get so excited? Give me that phone.

00:21:14.269 --> 00:21:16.930
Please, it's my phone. I'll answer it. Hello?

00:21:17.309 --> 00:21:19.650
Who's calling? You know who's calling. What's

00:21:19.650 --> 00:21:25.690
with my towels? Your what? You heard me. Towels,

00:21:25.789 --> 00:21:28.309
towels, this is Schlemmer again. Who? You heard

00:21:28.309 --> 00:21:30.130
him, Schlemmer. Schlemmer, give me that phone.

00:21:30.210 --> 00:21:31.890
No, I want to find out what's going on here.

00:21:31.990 --> 00:21:34.150
Give me that phone. I'm asking you like a gentleman.

00:21:34.369 --> 00:21:39.369
Jack, take your knee off my chest. And stop shaking

00:21:39.369 --> 00:21:42.029
me. My hair is getting in my eye. That's my hair

00:21:42.029 --> 00:21:51.369
and hand it over. The phone too, thanks. Hello,

00:21:51.430 --> 00:21:54.990
Mr. Schlemmer? Yeah. What seems to be the problem?

00:21:55.289 --> 00:21:57.650
I've simply got to have more towels to cover

00:21:57.650 --> 00:21:59.549
those pictures of Eddie Cantor. Jack, what is

00:21:59.549 --> 00:22:02.829
he saying? Oh, nothing. Go on, Mr. Slammer. It

00:22:02.829 --> 00:22:05.150
was bad enough when only I couldn't stand looking

00:22:05.150 --> 00:22:07.630
at that Popeye Goon's pictures, but now every

00:22:07.630 --> 00:22:09.849
five minutes some snake slithers into my room

00:22:09.849 --> 00:22:16.029
and hisses at him. Oh. Now, I don't mind those

00:22:16.029 --> 00:22:18.329
holes in the floor, but I've got to have towels.

00:22:18.430 --> 00:22:20.480
Otherwise, I'm checking out and you... lose my

00:22:20.480 --> 00:22:23.119
$40. Oh yeah, then get this. That's a Jack Keller.

00:22:23.279 --> 00:22:24.839
Listen, Schlemmer, I can't give you a towel because

00:22:24.839 --> 00:22:26.380
I have absolutely nothing to do with towels,

00:22:26.420 --> 00:22:29.460
so obviously you have the wrong number. However,

00:22:29.559 --> 00:22:33.380
they'll be right up. Jack, Jack, what will be

00:22:33.380 --> 00:22:35.059
right up? Who knows? I've forgotten the whole

00:22:35.059 --> 00:22:36.940
incident. Daddy, it's pretty hot in here. Why

00:22:36.940 --> 00:22:38.240
don't you go out for a little walk while I take

00:22:38.240 --> 00:22:39.859
care of a little something here. It's not too

00:22:39.859 --> 00:22:42.880
hot for me. I'll just pull up this chair and

00:22:42.880 --> 00:22:45.900
sit down. Oh, then I'll have to take that other

00:22:45.900 --> 00:22:50.150
chair. Here we are. Jack, Jack, that chair. Why

00:22:50.150 --> 00:22:52.069
are you standing on it? Well, it's pretty cold

00:22:52.069 --> 00:22:53.430
in here. I think I'll plug up those holes in

00:22:53.430 --> 00:22:55.289
the ceiling with some of these towels. Wait a

00:22:55.289 --> 00:22:57.809
minute, Jack! Wait a minute! I could swear I

00:22:57.809 --> 00:22:59.250
saw somebody looking through one of those holes!

00:22:59.349 --> 00:23:03.210
Oh, nonsense! Peek -a -boo! Get back in that

00:23:03.210 --> 00:23:08.190
hole! John Gophers even get in the ceiling. Jack,

00:23:08.410 --> 00:23:10.150
that was a man. Believe me, Eddie, outside of

00:23:10.150 --> 00:23:11.809
you and me, there's absolutely nobody in this

00:23:11.809 --> 00:23:13.809
house. Carry your bags, Mr. Kanner. Herman, go

00:23:13.809 --> 00:23:15.910
away. A bellboy. Welcome to Mr. Benny's hotel.

00:23:15.930 --> 00:23:18.769
You're fired. A hotel! Now I understand. Schlemmer

00:23:18.769 --> 00:23:20.450
with the towels, bellboys, and this register.

00:23:20.809 --> 00:23:23.730
Nothing but names. Jack, you've rented out every

00:23:23.730 --> 00:23:27.289
room. The Coleman's $80, Autry $40, Fibber McGee

00:23:27.289 --> 00:23:30.890
$40, and... Jack, you let him talk you down to

00:23:30.890 --> 00:23:37.680
$38 .98? That's $36 .98, but we'll pass it by.

00:23:37.799 --> 00:23:40.720
Now listen, Eddie. How dare you rent rooms in

00:23:40.720 --> 00:23:43.019
my house? My house! How can you do... Oh, Eddie.

00:23:43.119 --> 00:23:44.720
Yeah, Harry, you should see what's going on in

00:23:44.720 --> 00:23:46.460
here. You should see what's going on outside.

00:23:46.900 --> 00:23:48.980
Eddie, you've got a beautiful backyard, and with

00:23:48.980 --> 00:23:55.880
all those quonset huts... Jack, all this and

00:23:55.880 --> 00:23:58.319
huts too? And a tent. There's no tent out there.

00:23:58.359 --> 00:24:00.619
I opened it up and went in. It's very roomy.

00:24:00.759 --> 00:24:02.960
Listen, I got some laundry on the line, and Don

00:24:02.960 --> 00:24:04.940
Wilson will thank you to stop walking in and

00:24:04.940 --> 00:24:13.240
out of his underwear. Jack? Jack, Benny, I'm

00:24:13.240 --> 00:24:14.559
not gonna let you get away with renting rooms

00:24:14.559 --> 00:24:16.700
in my house. You stay here, Harry. We're going

00:24:16.700 --> 00:24:18.160
into the library for a little talk. Come on,

00:24:18.220 --> 00:24:22.500
Jack. Renting rooms in Eddie's house? No wonder

00:24:22.500 --> 00:24:26.869
Eddie is mad. Uh -oh, I better answer that. Hello,

00:24:26.950 --> 00:24:29.890
who's calling? I'm the tenant in room 2F. I noticed

00:24:29.890 --> 00:24:31.690
some laundry on the line, and I wondered if I

00:24:31.690 --> 00:24:34.210
may rinse out a few things in my room. Oh, well,

00:24:34.329 --> 00:24:36.849
I'm sorry, lady. I can't advise you on that.

00:24:37.109 --> 00:24:40.190
Oh. Well, I just thought I'd ask beforehand.

00:24:41.009 --> 00:24:43.410
Beforehand? Oh, well, now, I can advise you on

00:24:43.410 --> 00:24:46.049
that. And that's to use true shade, the beforehand

00:24:46.049 --> 00:24:48.329
lotion, before you put your hands in hot, soapy

00:24:48.329 --> 00:24:51.069
water. Why, lady, you'd be surprised and delighted,

00:24:51.349 --> 00:24:53.769
too, when you see how this new idea in hand lotions

00:24:53.769 --> 00:24:56.029
guards your hands and helps keep them soft and

00:24:56.029 --> 00:24:58.390
lovely. Why, Truchet is so effective that it

00:24:58.390 --> 00:25:00.269
will guard your hands even in that hot, soapy

00:25:00.269 --> 00:25:02.789
water. Of course, you can use Truchet as you

00:25:02.789 --> 00:25:05.589
use any other hand lotion for rough elbows, chapped

00:25:05.589 --> 00:25:08.269
legs, and as a powder base. But creamy, fragrant

00:25:08.269 --> 00:25:10.430
Truchet gives you the added plus that no ordinary

00:25:10.430 --> 00:25:13.269
hand lotion can give you, the help of beforehand

00:25:13.269 --> 00:25:15.809
protection when you need it. So if you haven't

00:25:15.809 --> 00:25:19.130
yet tried it, why not begin today to use Trouchet.

00:25:19.150 --> 00:25:31.579
T -R -U -S -H -A -Y. Gosh, Eddie's had Benny

00:25:31.579 --> 00:25:33.559
in that library for over two hours. That must

00:25:33.559 --> 00:25:35.740
be quite a battle. In my house, Gene Autry's

00:25:35.740 --> 00:25:37.539
horse, a horse, and all those tenants. Eddie,

00:25:37.619 --> 00:25:39.480
look. From each one, you're getting $40, $40

00:25:39.480 --> 00:25:42.400
a week. I checked with the O .P .O., P .A. Those

00:25:42.400 --> 00:25:44.079
are the same prices you charged during the week

00:25:44.079 --> 00:25:46.400
of March 10th, 1943. Yeah, but that was the O

00:25:46.400 --> 00:25:48.740
.P .A. They were friends. You're allowing anybody

00:25:48.740 --> 00:25:50.799
to rent my rooms, anybody. I catered to a restricted

00:25:50.799 --> 00:25:52.960
clientele. I didn't allow any dogs, did I? No

00:25:52.960 --> 00:25:54.700
dogs, but what about the horse? I told him no,

00:25:54.759 --> 00:25:56.700
but he argued with me. How could... What a horse

00:25:56.700 --> 00:25:58.299
argument. Every time I said no, he shook his

00:25:58.299 --> 00:26:00.420
head yes. Well, why didn't you shake your head?

00:26:00.559 --> 00:26:02.640
With what I'm wearing on it, I can't take a chance.

00:26:04.759 --> 00:26:06.579
The horse is wearing the same thing in the back

00:26:06.579 --> 00:26:10.140
and he did it. You mean his tail has been clipped

00:26:10.140 --> 00:26:12.019
off. How do you know? What do you think I'm wearing,

00:26:12.119 --> 00:26:20.839
Ming? Jack, let's settle this like friends. Don't

00:26:20.839 --> 00:26:22.720
you think I deserve some money out of this, pal?

00:26:22.920 --> 00:26:24.559
I won't give you a nickel and I'm not your pal.

00:26:24.680 --> 00:26:27.140
Listen, your book show, you've made $4 ,000 renting

00:26:27.140 --> 00:26:29.420
rooms in my house, my house. I should get what's

00:26:29.420 --> 00:26:31.160
coming to me. You should have gotten that years

00:26:31.160 --> 00:26:33.680
ago. Shut up! Jack, even though it breaks up

00:26:33.680 --> 00:26:35.380
our friendship, you'll either pay or I'll sue

00:26:35.380 --> 00:26:38.759
you, pal. Sue me? What are you saying, pal? Sue

00:26:38.759 --> 00:26:40.920
me? That's ridiculous. We're gonna fight over

00:26:40.920 --> 00:26:44.400
this? What are we, animals? Of course not, we're

00:26:44.400 --> 00:26:47.359
human beings, grown up men. How much do you want?

00:26:47.619 --> 00:26:51.579
$2 ,000. Sue me, I won't give you a next... Then

00:26:51.579 --> 00:26:52.900
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'll notify

00:26:52.900 --> 00:26:54.960
my lawyers. I'll take you to the highest court

00:26:54.960 --> 00:26:56.859
in the land. Goodbye, Mr. Benny. Goodbye. Oh,

00:26:56.859 --> 00:26:58.480
let me warn you about one thing. If you sue me

00:26:58.480 --> 00:27:00.059
in this country, the United States of America,

00:27:00.339 --> 00:27:02.099
you won't get any money. But you're an American

00:27:02.099 --> 00:27:04.619
citizen. Why won't I get any money? My mattress

00:27:04.619 --> 00:27:07.880
happens to be a British subject. It's a Buckingham

00:27:07.880 --> 00:27:10.220
pretty rest, and I can prove it. Mary's got the

00:27:10.220 --> 00:27:12.319
receipt manufactured in Bristol, England. the

00:27:12.319 --> 00:27:14.140
Yorkshire Pudding and Pillow Factory Limited.

00:27:14.599 --> 00:27:17.980
$43, no springs, guaranteed for 75 years. I should

00:27:17.980 --> 00:27:20.079
live so long. You have. And let me tell you something.

00:27:28.579 --> 00:27:31.099
We thank our lucky strikes for Jack Benny's appearance

00:27:31.099 --> 00:27:32.960
here tonight. It made a pleasant evening for

00:27:32.960 --> 00:27:34.400
all of us, and especially for the servicemen

00:27:34.400 --> 00:27:36.380
from the Pasadena Regional Hospital who are in

00:27:36.380 --> 00:27:37.980
our audience tonight. Did you have fun, fellas?

00:27:42.890 --> 00:27:44.789
We'll be back again next week, ladies and gentlemen.

00:27:44.890 --> 00:27:47.430
Won't you join us? And for Duke Bauman and his

00:27:47.430 --> 00:27:49.450
followers in Kansas City, Missouri, we're going

00:27:49.450 --> 00:27:51.569
to sing, Josephine, Please No Lean on a Bell.

00:27:51.650 --> 00:27:53.789
And in the meantime, don't forget the two products

00:27:53.789 --> 00:27:55.910
that make our Wednesdays with you possible. iPanna

00:27:55.910 --> 00:27:58.710
for the smile of beauty, and Truchet, the beforehand

00:27:58.710 --> 00:28:13.939
lotion. iPanna, Truchet, and so remember. I'm

00:28:13.939 --> 00:28:17.460
sorry it's true. Good night. Good night, everybody.

00:28:21.740 --> 00:28:37.200
You know, friends, March is full of tricky weather.

00:28:37.420 --> 00:28:39.019
It's the kind of weather that sneaks up on you,

00:28:39.039 --> 00:28:41.589
and before you know it, you have a cold. So now's

00:28:41.589 --> 00:28:43.410
the time to get Minute Rub, the really modern

00:28:43.410 --> 00:28:46.170
chest rub, to help relieve cold discomforts.

00:28:46.329 --> 00:28:48.410
All you do is rub Minute Rub on the throat, chest,

00:28:48.410 --> 00:28:50.470
and back. And in just about a minute, Minute

00:28:50.470 --> 00:28:52.509
Rub's soothing vapors get to work and begin to

00:28:52.509 --> 00:28:54.230
clear up that clogged up feeling in the nose

00:28:54.230 --> 00:28:56.930
and throat. At the same time, Minute Rub starts

00:28:56.930 --> 00:28:58.970
to bring a feeling of warmth and relief to those

00:28:58.970 --> 00:29:01.750
tight, sore chest muscles. What's more, Minute

00:29:01.750 --> 00:29:03.930
Rub is greaseless and stainless. This appears

00:29:03.930 --> 00:29:06.109
like vanishing cream, so it can't stain clothes

00:29:06.109 --> 00:29:09.130
or bed linens. So keep a jar of Minute Rub handy,

00:29:09.170 --> 00:29:11.150
and then when there's a cold in the family, get

00:29:11.150 --> 00:29:13.369
relief from that annoying cold misery the modern

00:29:13.369 --> 00:29:16.269
way. The greaseless, stainless Minute Rub way.

00:29:25.549 --> 00:29:28.549
This is NBC, the national broadcasting company.