Ladies and gentlemen, Bristol Myers, the makers
of iPana for the smile of beauty, and Sal Hapatica
for the smile of health, present, It's Time to
Smile, with, Fanny Cantor! Good evening, ladies
and gentlemen. Harry, since I appeared at the
department store two weeks ago at Santa Claus,
every other store has made me an offer. Really?
To appear at Santa Claus? Well, all except Gimbals.
Oh. They're not having Santa Claus this year.
They want me to appear as Superman. Well, don't
laugh. Don't laugh. They have a wonderful routine.
They have? I'm supposed to jump out of an airplane
in the red cape and blue tights, land on the
flagpole at Gimbels, and then dive down the chimney
head first, and there's only one reason why I
won't accept the job. Well, what's that, Eddie?
I don't look good in blue tights. I'll stick
to being Santa Claus at Macy's, it's safer. You
know when I appeared there yesterday, one little
fella stared at me for five minutes and finally
said, Santa, you're so big, how are you gonna
get down our chimney? I said, don't worry son,
I'll take a deep breath and squeeze in. He said,
I'm not worried about your stomach, how are you
gonna get through with those eyes? But I'll say
one thing, Hare. What? I did make a fine -looking
Santa Claus. Oh, well, I know, Eddie, because
I was there. I didn't even recognize you. Oh,
you didn't? No. That beard made you look 10 years
younger. You acted 10 years younger, too, Harry.
Coming over and sitting on my lap the way you
did. Eddie. And the present you asked for. Eddie.
The present you asked for. Don't you say that.
The present you asked for. Stop it! An Indian
suit he wore. It is not ethical. Santa Claus
isn't supposed to betray the confidence of a
trusting child. Oh, stop blubbering, you blubber.
Tell me, what did you want an Indian suit for?
Because for Christmas, Don Wilson bought Jack
Benny a new toupee and I want to scalp him. I
want to scalp Jack Benny. Don't be... Don't be...
Don't be embarrassed, Harry. Lots of grown -ups
came to me when I was playing Santa Claus. They
did? They did. They certainly did. One woman
wanted a diamond ring, a saber coat, a new car,
and a platinum bracelet. I told her, nothing
doing. I just said to her like this, nothing
doing. Well, why did you do that, Eddie? Her
husband would have given it to her anyway. That's
just it, Harry. I'm the husband. Well, Eddie,
now listen. What do you think you'll get from
your family? Oh, always something useful. A pair
of silk stockings, a handbag, a nightgown. If
I can't use it, there's always somebody in the
house that can. It never goes to waste, believe
me. Excuse me, master. It's our orchestral leader,
Cookie Fanchile. Good evening, music lovers.
And in conclusion... I want to thank, to whom
it may concern, for all the lovely Christmas
presents that I'm going to get, but I didn't
get yet. So hurry up. And for my eight -pound
baby boy that I received, I want to thank my
wife and Santa Claus. P .S. Next Christmas, I'd
rather have a Shetland pony. Good night, mama.
that cookie is so naive thanking santa claus
for his baby. He hasn't heard yet about the stalker.
What's going on here? What is it? What is it?
It's frankenstein's monster. The star of arsenic
and olase boris co - Boris, it's amazing. Never
in my life have I seen such a gruesome face.
Tell me, do you always walk around with your
makeup on? I have on no makeup. My mistake. Canter,
were you playing Santa Claus at Macy's yesterday?
Yes. Well, where's my Didy doll? That's funny,
Boris Karloff, the horror man, wants a baby's
toy? Where's my Didy doll? Oh Boris, you must
be kidding. What does a grown man like you want
with a Didy doll? I'm tired of my yo -yo. I can
imagine the kind of yo -yo he uses. A Jap on
the end of a string. Sir, tell me, what do you
want with a Didy doll? Well, haven't you ever
had one round the house? One? I had five of them.
Only they don't wear Didys anymore. Now they
wear mink coats. Don't change the subject. If
I don't get my Didy doll, do you know what I'll
hang up for Christmas? What? You! Harry! Harry!
Harry, come here quickly, will you? Yeah, what
is it? What? What's wrong? You've got to do something
with me right away. It's a matter of life or
death. You've got to get me a diety doll. Harry,
it's not for me. It's for a friend of mine. Oh,
well, how old is the kid? 54. 54 years old and
he wants to play with a doll? Well, that idiot
must be in his second childhood. Harry! Harry!
No, I mean after... I'd like to meet a big baboon
who's got the nerve of... Harry! Harry! Well,
don't shush me, Eddie. If that silly whack was
here, I'd tell him to his face. Well, bring him
out. Give him a few pokes to lift the roof. Harry!
Harry! Harry! Harry! Why? He's standing right
next to you. Well, I know he... Oh! What's so
funny? This guy's got a puss worse than Boris
Karloff. I am Boris Karloff. Did you want that
doll with a pink deity or a blue one, mister?
I don't care what kind of a deity it has, just
as long as it says, mama. Just a minute. Just
a minute. Are you the Boris Karloff that scares
people? Yes, and what about it? Nothing, I'm
one of the people. Harry, get him the doll. Yes,
sir. Go ahead, Harry. Boris, Harry is scared
to death of you, but I happen to know that you're
a perfectly normal guy, a gentle father, a good
husband, and one thing... Mr. Karloff, here's
your deity doll, you see. Now, you squeeze it
and it'll say mama. Okay. Cute, isn't it? That's
strange. First didy doll I've ever seen with
a moustache. Look, fellas, if you're through
playing with me, I'd like to take this tablecloth
off and go home. All right, all right. Go away,
boys. I was about to ask you something, Boris.
Oh, yes. Who, in your opinion, are the easiest
people to frighten? Well, strangely enough, they're
the people in our own profession. Now take Jack
Benny. All I have to do is to put on a make -up,
leer at him. And he's frightened to death. I
know an easier way. Take him to dinner and don't
pick up the check. But, uh... Oh, they've been
out with him too. But you're wrong about Benny,
Boris. I'm much easier to frighten than he is.
I'll never forget how I trembled when I saw your
last picture. The one where you came into the
village every night and carried off some beautiful
girl into the hills. Oh, yes. In that picture,
I was a werewolf. I don't know where you were,
but you were a wolf, all right. But, Boris...
Where is all this horror stuff gonna lead? Tell
me, and I think the people would like to know,
what is your ambition? Well Eddie, I'd like to
be Hedy Lamarr's leading man. You? Hedy Lamarr's
leading man? What would you do if you have a
love scene with her? What would you do? I'd do
what I've always wanted to do. I take Heddy in
my arms, put my face close to hers, tilt her
head back, lean forward and then... And then?
I'd go... What war is that? You'd frighten her
to death! Here's the way I'd make love to Heddy.
I'd be gentle. I'd tilt her head back and then
I'd say, Heddy... And I'd kiss her. I'll take
it. Hello? Hello, this is Eddie Canter speaking.
This is Eddie Lamarck. Yes? I'll take Carlos.
Hey, I must be slipping. I can't even compete
with the boogie man's Clark Gable. Pardon me,
Mr. Canter. Well, it's Dinah Shaw. Come in, Dinah.
Well, Dinah? Dinah, baby, I have a big surprise
for you. Really? Do you know who this man is?
Now, take a good look. Oh, Mr. Canter, your brother
came home for Christmas. Sing, Dinah. Sing. Never
treats me sweet and gentle. Got it ba - now ladies
and gentlemen what did you think of it boris
simply delightful but let me show it is my favorite
radio signal g thanks mr carlos and now ladies
and gentlemen fact i might even i wonder if it
would be all right if i said a few words extemporaneously
at this point eddie why why of course not eddie
don't let him do that i had had well it's not
fair bonds well i just wanted to say i know but
i don't i think it's mean after all of the other
country isn't here Now, just what was it you
wanted to say that was so important? Well, I
wanted to say to be sure and remember iPana toothpaste
and gum massage. I always do. Oh, well. Do you
know why it's so important to remember? I mean,
do you know that the soft, creamy, well -cooked
foods we all eat do not give our gums the exercise
and stimulation they need for firmness and health?
And that iPana toothpaste is not only unsurpassed
for cleaning and brightening teeth, but when
used with massage is especially designed to help
our gums to a healthier firmness? Well, of course
I do. Oh. Well, did you hear about that recent
survey among dentists, where more dentists said
they recommended iPana for their patient's daily
use than the next three dentifaces combined?
Oh, yes. I heard about it. Oh. Well, then you
realize why it is so important for us to suggest
that our listeners get a tube of iPana toothpaste
from their druggists, and for firmer gums, brighter
teeth, and naturally more attractive smiles,
to begin to massage faithfully with iPana toothpaste.
Precisely. Oh, well, then I have nothing more
to say. What was it you wanted to say, Mr. Karloff?
Boo! You know something, Boris, I can't get over
your conduct here tonight. You're such a gentleman.
Well, why should that amaze you, Eddie? Well,
you of all people, Boris Karloff. In Frankenstein,
you scared people silly. Honestly, when I saw
you in that picture, a girl sitting next to me
screamed and threw her arms around me. And what
did you do? I saw the picture five times. Well,
truthfully, Eddie, I haven't wanted those horror
roles. I don't want to be a monster. You don't
want to be a monster? Well, what would you like
to be? A sweater, boy. A sweater? Listen to Cuddles
Karloff. Really, I would. I'd like to kiss girls
like, oh, like Ginger Rogers and Rita Hayworth.
But, Boris, girls like that won't kiss anyone
who is weird and gruesome. Oh, so you've tried
it, too. Isn't that nice? We're supposed to be
friends. Well, we are, Eddie. And right now,
I'm going out to get you a little drink to seal
our friendship. Now, pardon me, I'll be right
back. Of course. Isn't that cute? Gosh, getting
me a drink. Such a nice fella. One thing a -
Hello? Hello, Mr. Canter. I'm calling to warn
you about that Karloff guy. Warn me? Yes. He
gets friendly with everybody and then he gives
him a drink. Hello? Hello? Oh my goodness! Well
Eddie cuddles Carl off his back and with a little
drink. For me? For you. I'm sorry Boris but I
can't drink. You see I'm not used to it. I'll
feel bad tomorrow. If I were you, I wouldn't
worry about tomorrow. Now have a little drink.
This may be the last time we see each other.
That's what I'm afraid of. Look, Boris... It
won't hurt you, Eddie. I just had a drink myself.
Now do I look any worse? No, but... You couldn't
look any worse. Why, this stuff is good for you.
I won't drink it. It'll put hair on your chest.
I've already got a hair on my chest. Just one?
On my chest? Is there room for more? Please,
Boris. Please, please, please. I won't take no
for an answer. When I ask a man to drink, he
drinks. Understand? Listen! If you're gonna get
tough about it... Yeah? So I'll drink? Very well,
I'll pour. And when I've poured enough for you,
say when. When? Give me a chance to get the cork
out of the bottle. Now I'll just pour you a short
one. A short one? Don't you think that's enough?
Please, for heaven's sakes! You want me to drink
it or swim in it? Now drink it, drink it. It's
good for a fellow your age, Eddie. By the way,
how old are you? Well, I would have been 36 on
my next birthday. Boris, it's no use. I just
can't drink this. Eddie, after going to the trouble
of pouring, somebody's got to drink it. Well,
somebody? You mean anybody? Oh, oh, oh, oh, Harry?
Harry Bond, there! Mr. Karloff has got something
for you, Harry. Really? It's a drink. Oh, a drink?
For me? For you. Drink it down, Mr. Von Zell.
Oh, sure, sure. Harry, Harry, how did it taste?
I don't know. I didn't drink it yet. I just smelled
it. Well, here goes down the hatch. Oh, Harry,
I'll get a doctor. I shouldn't have let you drink
it. There was arsenic in that drink. Arsenic?
Tasted more like old lace. You're being very
foolish, Eddie. Whatever gave you the idea that
drink was poisoned? That's probably because I
phoned him and I... Harry! You were the fella
that phoned me? You? Why did you do it? You know
a better way to get a free drink? You cheapskate
to think that you're so cheap you'd do a thing
like that just to get a free drink out of me?
Brandy, Eddie. Brandy. I took the bottle out
of your dressing room. Boris, you stole a bottle
of brandy from me? Me? Eddie Cantor? I suppose
you know what that means. I do, Eddie. And here
you are. Thank you, Paul, again. Say Boris, you
know, in arsenic and old lace, is it true that
all the victims meet death after drinking a potion
of poisoned elderberry wine? It's true Eddie,
and just between you and me I stole a bottle
of the deadly stuff and I always have it with
me in case I want to do away with someone. You
did? You mean you stole it? I did, and here's
the bottle. Now take a sniff. It smells very
nice. Wait. I'll pull out the cork. Stand back.
There's a terrific head on it. How do you do?
Russian Russian I'm glad you're here Russian
I want you to know that standing before you is
the famous creation of Frankenstein the cruelest
creature on the face of the earth the monster
without a brain Of course not. Don't you recognize
Boris Karloff? The screen's most fiendish villain?
The grotesque looking boogeyman? Oh yes. Hello
handsome. Handsome? You think I'm handsome? In
a repulsive sort of way. Oh behave yourself will
you? Listen you Mongolian Mickey. One more insult
from you and I'll strangle you. How would you
like to be a corpse? Is there any future in it?
Russian, Russian You don't realize who you're
talking to This is Karloff When you go to the
movies He makes your blood run cold Sends chills
and shivers up your spine He's a cooling system
No, he plays in horror pictures. That's right,
Russian. I play weird, sinister roles. I can
make your hair stand up. Hmm, can you make it
sit down? Oh, Boris. Boris, tell them about some
of the pictures that you've made. Well, in one
picture I had to sit in a dark tomb day and night.
Nothing but cobwebs on the wall and bats flying
around. Russian, did you ever see a bat? See
one? I married one. She was ugly? Yes, but I
didn't know it until the honeymoon. Until the...
why not? I married her during a blackout. Oh,
you must have made a lovely couple. Ah, yes.
Once we played together in a horror picture.
And what was the name of it? Arsenic and Old
Borscht. I played the Old Borscht. But, Russian,
how could you play in a horror picture? You don't
look so bad. Ah, silly boy. I'm sorry, I'm so
ugly that this morning when I looked into the
mirror Yes? My face broke Oh, stop it! Ah, but
I was a beautiful baby When I was three weeks
old, I got my first tooth And when did you get
your second tooth? You're supposed to have two
of them Russian, you mean to say you've only
got one tooth? How can you eat meat? Working
for you, who can buy me? Oh, stop. Will you stop
this nonsense? You can't compare yourself with
Karloff. As the Frankenstein monster, Karloff
frightened the audience simply by making a weird
sound. That's right, Russian. I had no dialogue.
So whenever I opened my mouth, I just went...
Feel all right? He was just making a weird sound.
Oh, I can make worse sounds than he can. Let's
have a contest and I'll prove it. Go ahead. Go
ahead, Mr. Karlofer. Go on. Can't be. Put on
his leash. I'll take him for a walk. How dare
you! You have insulted Boris Karloff. One of
the nicest gentlemen I've ever known. If you
keep on insulting people, Russian, you won't
have a friend left in the world. No friends,
eh? Do you know Mr. District Attorney? Yes. You
can get me a parole. Parole? Are you in prison?
Am I working for you? Of course. People, am I
in prison? Don't encourage him, you Bialystok
baboon. You're giving the audience the impression
that I do not pay my people. Tell them when I
pay you. Tell everybody when I pay you. Well,
for the first two weeks I get nothing. But for
the next 13, I still get nothing. It's not much,
but it's steady. I'll never get over your making
Boris Kolof walk out on us. A man who made such
pictures as Frankenstein, the mummy. What? The
what? Mummy. Mummy. Mummy. What's a mummy, baby?
Any man who would stand talking to you for any
length of time would have to be a moron, an idiot,
and an imbecile. How do you do? Alright now,
alright, I guess you folks it's all through now
so pick up your traps and move along. Now wait
a second. I can't wait for nothing. I'm the janitor
here and the boss says, George, he says... My
name is George. George, he says, clean up studio
8H as soon as them folks is through in there.
Yeah, but look, George. And don't take no back
talk from none of them, he says. Yeah, but look,
I'm Eddie Kander. Oh, sure. And I'm the mad Russian.
How dare you! Hey, what is this? Now, look, George,
this is the Eddie Kander program. The diner sure
is over there. I'm Harry Von Zell. Well, I'm
pleased to meet you, Mr. Von Zell. I've heard
you say some mighty helpful things on this program
of yours. well thanks to our guests and if you've
got anything to say now you'll go right ahead
i'm in no hurry and i'll see that these other
folks don't interrupt well thanks again yes what
we have to say is helpful to you ladies and gentlemen
it's well worth a few seconds it takes to do
it many of you can benefit for example by learning
about sal hapatica to know that whenever you
need a laxative sal hapatica brings gentle speedy
relief usually within an hour And that means
you don't have to put off till night taking the
laxative you need in the morning, so you don't
risk going through the whole day feeling miserable.
Salhepatica has another advantage too. Salhepatica
also helps counteract excess gastric acidity,
helps turn a sour stomach sweet again. So get
a bottle from your druggist tomorrow, and whenever
you need a laxative, morning, noon or night,
see how much faster you feel better when you
take gentle, speedy Salhepatica. There's taxes,
shoo, there's trouble, shoo The price of beans
is double, yes sir The skies are gray Though
it's tough and getting tougher Are you gonna
sit and suffer? No sir, get up and say Boy oh
boy oh boy oh boy We are fighting for freedom
and for joy Boy oh boy oh boy oh boy When we
hit him, it will be the real McCoy There are
bumps, bumps, bumps in the road And we're totin'
a darn heavy load But boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh
boy We are fighting for freedom and for joy Sure
there's trouble, guns are poppin' Interfers with
Christmas shoppin' Yes sir, the skies are gray
We know life is what we make it Are we gonna
sit and take it? No sir, get up and say Oh boy,
oh boy, oh boy, oh boy Got a country that nothing
can destroy Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy Here's
a country a fellow can enjoy With the whole world
going to cotton Brother look around and see what
we've got for being our guest tonight. And next
week, ladies and gentlemen, Christmas Eve, the
Bristol Myers Company, sponsors of Time to Smile
and Mr. District Attorney, are giving their time
to the American Red Cross. So join us next week
for a full hour over the same stations when you
will hear such stars as Fibber McGee and Molly,
the Aldrich family, Loretta Young, Irving Berlin,
the Honorable Fiorella LaGuardia, Diana Durbin
and many others. Meantime, don't forget the two
products that make these Wednesdays possible.
EyePanna for the smile of beauty, Sal Hepatica
for the smile of health. EyePanna, Sal Hepatica.
Now, remember... It's new, it's different, it's
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to spend each Wednesday with you. This is the
National Broadcasting Company.