WEBVTT 00:00:00.789 --> 00:00:02.990 Ladies and gentlemen, Bristol Myers, the makers 00:00:02.990 --> 00:00:05.669 of iPana for the smile of beauty, and Sal Hapatica 00:00:05.669 --> 00:00:08.849 for the smile of health, present, It's Time to 00:00:08.849 --> 00:00:40.310 Smile, with, Fanny Cantor! Good evening, ladies 00:00:40.310 --> 00:00:43.810 and gentlemen. Harry, since I appeared at the 00:00:43.810 --> 00:00:45.750 department store two weeks ago at Santa Claus, 00:00:46.229 --> 00:00:48.530 every other store has made me an offer. Really? 00:00:48.530 --> 00:00:51.710 To appear at Santa Claus? Well, all except Gimbals. 00:00:51.770 --> 00:00:54.049 Oh. They're not having Santa Claus this year. 00:00:54.090 --> 00:01:01.750 They want me to appear as Superman. Well, don't 00:01:01.750 --> 00:01:04.109 laugh. Don't laugh. They have a wonderful routine. 00:01:04.120 --> 00:01:07.200 They have? I'm supposed to jump out of an airplane 00:01:07.200 --> 00:01:09.879 in the red cape and blue tights, land on the 00:01:09.879 --> 00:01:12.099 flagpole at Gimbels, and then dive down the chimney 00:01:12.099 --> 00:01:14.439 head first, and there's only one reason why I 00:01:14.439 --> 00:01:16.319 won't accept the job. Well, what's that, Eddie? 00:01:16.659 --> 00:01:22.810 I don't look good in blue tights. I'll stick 00:01:22.810 --> 00:01:25.569 to being Santa Claus at Macy's, it's safer. You 00:01:25.569 --> 00:01:27.510 know when I appeared there yesterday, one little 00:01:27.510 --> 00:01:29.629 fella stared at me for five minutes and finally 00:01:29.629 --> 00:01:31.989 said, Santa, you're so big, how are you gonna 00:01:31.989 --> 00:01:34.450 get down our chimney? I said, don't worry son, 00:01:34.510 --> 00:01:36.989 I'll take a deep breath and squeeze in. He said, 00:01:37.010 --> 00:01:39.269 I'm not worried about your stomach, how are you 00:01:39.269 --> 00:01:44.239 gonna get through with those eyes? But I'll say 00:01:44.239 --> 00:01:47.319 one thing, Hare. What? I did make a fine -looking 00:01:47.319 --> 00:01:49.180 Santa Claus. Oh, well, I know, Eddie, because 00:01:49.180 --> 00:01:51.560 I was there. I didn't even recognize you. Oh, 00:01:51.560 --> 00:01:54.519 you didn't? No. That beard made you look 10 years 00:01:54.519 --> 00:02:00.900 younger. You acted 10 years younger, too, Harry. 00:02:01.299 --> 00:02:03.219 Coming over and sitting on my lap the way you 00:02:03.219 --> 00:02:06.000 did. Eddie. And the present you asked for. Eddie. 00:02:06.000 --> 00:02:07.319 The present you asked for. Don't you say that. 00:02:07.319 --> 00:02:10.219 The present you asked for. Stop it! An Indian 00:02:10.219 --> 00:02:17.740 suit he wore. It is not ethical. Santa Claus 00:02:17.740 --> 00:02:20.280 isn't supposed to betray the confidence of a 00:02:20.280 --> 00:02:24.219 trusting child. Oh, stop blubbering, you blubber. 00:02:24.719 --> 00:02:26.740 Tell me, what did you want an Indian suit for? 00:02:26.879 --> 00:02:29.099 Because for Christmas, Don Wilson bought Jack 00:02:29.099 --> 00:02:33.960 Benny a new toupee and I want to scalp him. I 00:02:33.960 --> 00:02:39.259 want to scalp Jack Benny. Don't be... Don't be... 00:02:38.909 --> 00:02:40.909 Don't be embarrassed, Harry. Lots of grown -ups 00:02:40.909 --> 00:02:43.050 came to me when I was playing Santa Claus. They 00:02:43.050 --> 00:02:44.849 did? They did. They certainly did. One woman 00:02:44.849 --> 00:02:47.250 wanted a diamond ring, a saber coat, a new car, 00:02:47.370 --> 00:02:50.069 and a platinum bracelet. I told her, nothing 00:02:50.069 --> 00:02:53.229 doing. I just said to her like this, nothing 00:02:53.229 --> 00:02:55.750 doing. Well, why did you do that, Eddie? Her 00:02:55.750 --> 00:02:57.849 husband would have given it to her anyway. That's 00:02:57.849 --> 00:03:03.849 just it, Harry. I'm the husband. Well, Eddie, 00:03:03.930 --> 00:03:05.590 now listen. What do you think you'll get from 00:03:05.590 --> 00:03:08.400 your family? Oh, always something useful. A pair 00:03:08.400 --> 00:03:10.740 of silk stockings, a handbag, a nightgown. If 00:03:10.740 --> 00:03:12.379 I can't use it, there's always somebody in the 00:03:12.379 --> 00:03:15.879 house that can. It never goes to waste, believe 00:03:15.879 --> 00:03:20.759 me. Excuse me, master. It's our orchestral leader, 00:03:20.939 --> 00:03:28.400 Cookie Fanchile. Good evening, music lovers. 00:03:28.900 --> 00:03:33.169 And in conclusion... I want to thank, to whom 00:03:33.169 --> 00:03:35.729 it may concern, for all the lovely Christmas 00:03:35.729 --> 00:03:37.349 presents that I'm going to get, but I didn't 00:03:37.349 --> 00:03:42.550 get yet. So hurry up. And for my eight -pound 00:03:42.550 --> 00:03:45.189 baby boy that I received, I want to thank my 00:03:45.189 --> 00:03:51.150 wife and Santa Claus. P .S. Next Christmas, I'd 00:03:51.150 --> 00:03:55.129 rather have a Shetland pony. Good night, mama. 00:04:00.300 --> 00:04:02.960 that cookie is so naive thanking santa claus 00:04:02.960 --> 00:04:06.259 for his baby. He hasn't heard yet about the stalker. 00:04:08.900 --> 00:04:13.780 What's going on here? What is it? What is it? 00:04:14.180 --> 00:04:17.199 It's frankenstein's monster. The star of arsenic 00:04:17.199 --> 00:04:41.040 and olase boris co - Boris, it's amazing. Never 00:04:41.040 --> 00:04:43.899 in my life have I seen such a gruesome face. 00:04:44.379 --> 00:04:46.500 Tell me, do you always walk around with your 00:04:46.500 --> 00:04:56.480 makeup on? I have on no makeup. My mistake. Canter, 00:04:57.420 --> 00:05:00.379 were you playing Santa Claus at Macy's yesterday? 00:05:00.800 --> 00:05:10.610 Yes. Well, where's my Didy doll? That's funny, 00:05:10.810 --> 00:05:13.269 Boris Karloff, the horror man, wants a baby's 00:05:13.269 --> 00:05:17.629 toy? Where's my Didy doll? Oh Boris, you must 00:05:17.629 --> 00:05:19.689 be kidding. What does a grown man like you want 00:05:19.689 --> 00:05:27.170 with a Didy doll? I'm tired of my yo -yo. I can 00:05:27.170 --> 00:05:29.910 imagine the kind of yo -yo he uses. A Jap on 00:05:29.910 --> 00:05:38.470 the end of a string. Sir, tell me, what do you 00:05:38.470 --> 00:05:41.269 want with a Didy doll? Well, haven't you ever 00:05:41.269 --> 00:05:44.189 had one round the house? One? I had five of them. 00:05:45.449 --> 00:05:47.189 Only they don't wear Didys anymore. Now they 00:05:47.189 --> 00:05:52.490 wear mink coats. Don't change the subject. If 00:05:52.490 --> 00:05:55.430 I don't get my Didy doll, do you know what I'll 00:05:55.430 --> 00:06:01.389 hang up for Christmas? What? You! Harry! Harry! 00:06:01.629 --> 00:06:03.410 Harry, come here quickly, will you? Yeah, what 00:06:03.410 --> 00:06:05.709 is it? What? What's wrong? You've got to do something 00:06:05.709 --> 00:06:07.250 with me right away. It's a matter of life or 00:06:07.250 --> 00:06:12.649 death. You've got to get me a diety doll. Harry, 00:06:12.829 --> 00:06:15.110 it's not for me. It's for a friend of mine. Oh, 00:06:15.110 --> 00:06:20.129 well, how old is the kid? 54. 54 years old and 00:06:20.129 --> 00:06:22.620 he wants to play with a doll? Well, that idiot 00:06:22.620 --> 00:06:25.339 must be in his second childhood. Harry! Harry! 00:06:25.420 --> 00:06:28.160 No, I mean after... I'd like to meet a big baboon 00:06:28.160 --> 00:06:30.740 who's got the nerve of... Harry! Harry! Well, 00:06:30.819 --> 00:06:33.259 don't shush me, Eddie. If that silly whack was 00:06:33.259 --> 00:06:34.899 here, I'd tell him to his face. Well, bring him 00:06:34.899 --> 00:06:36.519 out. Give him a few pokes to lift the roof. Harry! 00:06:36.660 --> 00:06:41.000 Harry! Harry! Harry! Why? He's standing right 00:06:41.000 --> 00:06:49.019 next to you. Well, I know he... Oh! What's so 00:06:49.019 --> 00:06:51.819 funny? This guy's got a puss worse than Boris 00:06:51.819 --> 00:07:00.959 Karloff. I am Boris Karloff. Did you want that 00:07:00.959 --> 00:07:02.920 doll with a pink deity or a blue one, mister? 00:07:03.680 --> 00:07:07.240 I don't care what kind of a deity it has, just 00:07:07.240 --> 00:07:13.879 as long as it says, mama. Just a minute. Just 00:07:13.879 --> 00:07:15.759 a minute. Are you the Boris Karloff that scares 00:07:15.759 --> 00:07:18.509 people? Yes, and what about it? Nothing, I'm 00:07:18.509 --> 00:07:21.769 one of the people. Harry, get him the doll. Yes, 00:07:21.790 --> 00:07:25.050 sir. Go ahead, Harry. Boris, Harry is scared 00:07:25.050 --> 00:07:27.209 to death of you, but I happen to know that you're 00:07:27.209 --> 00:07:29.810 a perfectly normal guy, a gentle father, a good 00:07:29.810 --> 00:07:33.009 husband, and one thing... Mr. Karloff, here's 00:07:33.009 --> 00:07:36.050 your deity doll, you see. Now, you squeeze it 00:07:36.050 --> 00:07:44.069 and it'll say mama. Okay. Cute, isn't it? That's 00:07:44.069 --> 00:07:46.589 strange. First didy doll I've ever seen with 00:07:46.589 --> 00:07:49.790 a moustache. Look, fellas, if you're through 00:07:49.790 --> 00:07:51.870 playing with me, I'd like to take this tablecloth 00:07:51.870 --> 00:07:54.550 off and go home. All right, all right. Go away, 00:07:54.629 --> 00:07:57.170 boys. I was about to ask you something, Boris. 00:07:57.509 --> 00:08:00.290 Oh, yes. Who, in your opinion, are the easiest 00:08:00.290 --> 00:08:02.790 people to frighten? Well, strangely enough, they're 00:08:02.790 --> 00:08:05.370 the people in our own profession. Now take Jack 00:08:05.370 --> 00:08:08.889 Benny. All I have to do is to put on a make -up, 00:08:09.209 --> 00:08:11.550 leer at him. And he's frightened to death. I 00:08:11.550 --> 00:08:13.069 know an easier way. Take him to dinner and don't 00:08:13.069 --> 00:08:19.149 pick up the check. But, uh... Oh, they've been 00:08:19.149 --> 00:08:21.509 out with him too. But you're wrong about Benny, 00:08:21.730 --> 00:08:23.709 Boris. I'm much easier to frighten than he is. 00:08:23.810 --> 00:08:25.589 I'll never forget how I trembled when I saw your 00:08:25.589 --> 00:08:27.689 last picture. The one where you came into the 00:08:27.689 --> 00:08:29.490 village every night and carried off some beautiful 00:08:29.490 --> 00:08:32.049 girl into the hills. Oh, yes. In that picture, 00:08:32.049 --> 00:08:34.509 I was a werewolf. I don't know where you were, 00:08:34.549 --> 00:08:39.029 but you were a wolf, all right. But, Boris... 00:08:39.080 --> 00:08:42.299 Where is all this horror stuff gonna lead? Tell 00:08:42.299 --> 00:08:43.860 me, and I think the people would like to know, 00:08:44.159 --> 00:08:48.379 what is your ambition? Well Eddie, I'd like to 00:08:48.379 --> 00:08:53.120 be Hedy Lamarr's leading man. You? Hedy Lamarr's 00:08:53.120 --> 00:08:55.700 leading man? What would you do if you have a 00:08:55.700 --> 00:08:57.559 love scene with her? What would you do? I'd do 00:08:57.559 --> 00:09:00.639 what I've always wanted to do. I take Heddy in 00:09:00.639 --> 00:09:04.700 my arms, put my face close to hers, tilt her 00:09:04.700 --> 00:09:07.620 head back, lean forward and then... And then? 00:09:07.740 --> 00:09:16.320 I'd go... What war is that? You'd frighten her 00:09:16.320 --> 00:09:18.700 to death! Here's the way I'd make love to Heddy. 00:09:18.820 --> 00:09:23.639 I'd be gentle. I'd tilt her head back and then 00:09:23.639 --> 00:09:30.049 I'd say, Heddy... And I'd kiss her. I'll take 00:09:30.049 --> 00:09:33.389 it. Hello? Hello, this is Eddie Canter speaking. 00:09:33.830 --> 00:09:38.269 This is Eddie Lamarck. Yes? I'll take Carlos. 00:09:41.710 --> 00:09:43.690 Hey, I must be slipping. I can't even compete 00:09:43.690 --> 00:09:46.129 with the boogie man's Clark Gable. Pardon me, 00:09:46.169 --> 00:09:48.830 Mr. Canter. Well, it's Dinah Shaw. Come in, Dinah. 00:09:53.149 --> 00:09:56.029 Well, Dinah? Dinah, baby, I have a big surprise 00:09:56.029 --> 00:09:58.429 for you. Really? Do you know who this man is? 00:09:58.750 --> 00:10:03.950 Now, take a good look. Oh, Mr. Canter, your brother 00:10:03.950 --> 00:10:21.370 came home for Christmas. Sing, Dinah. Sing. Never 00:10:21.370 --> 00:12:11.870 treats me sweet and gentle. Got it ba - now ladies 00:12:11.870 --> 00:12:14.009 and gentlemen what did you think of it boris 00:12:14.009 --> 00:12:17.070 simply delightful but let me show it is my favorite 00:12:17.070 --> 00:12:21.929 radio signal g thanks mr carlos and now ladies 00:12:21.929 --> 00:12:25.309 and gentlemen fact i might even i wonder if it 00:12:25.309 --> 00:12:28.529 would be all right if i said a few words extemporaneously 00:12:28.529 --> 00:12:31.350 at this point eddie why why of course not eddie 00:12:31.350 --> 00:12:33.730 don't let him do that i had had well it's not 00:12:33.730 --> 00:12:36.250 fair bonds well i just wanted to say i know but 00:12:36.250 --> 00:12:38.370 i don't i think it's mean after all of the other 00:12:38.370 --> 00:12:41.450 country isn't here Now, just what was it you 00:12:41.450 --> 00:12:43.669 wanted to say that was so important? Well, I 00:12:43.669 --> 00:12:46.269 wanted to say to be sure and remember iPana toothpaste 00:12:46.269 --> 00:12:50.409 and gum massage. I always do. Oh, well. Do you 00:12:50.409 --> 00:12:52.429 know why it's so important to remember? I mean, 00:12:52.429 --> 00:12:54.250 do you know that the soft, creamy, well -cooked 00:12:54.250 --> 00:12:57.289 foods we all eat do not give our gums the exercise 00:12:57.289 --> 00:12:59.690 and stimulation they need for firmness and health? 00:13:00.090 --> 00:13:02.509 And that iPana toothpaste is not only unsurpassed 00:13:02.509 --> 00:13:04.610 for cleaning and brightening teeth, but when 00:13:04.610 --> 00:13:06.769 used with massage is especially designed to help 00:13:06.769 --> 00:13:08.990 our gums to a healthier firmness? Well, of course 00:13:08.990 --> 00:13:13.690 I do. Oh. Well, did you hear about that recent 00:13:13.690 --> 00:13:16.070 survey among dentists, where more dentists said 00:13:16.070 --> 00:13:18.350 they recommended iPana for their patient's daily 00:13:18.350 --> 00:13:20.889 use than the next three dentifaces combined? 00:13:21.149 --> 00:13:25.820 Oh, yes. I heard about it. Oh. Well, then you 00:13:25.820 --> 00:13:28.340 realize why it is so important for us to suggest 00:13:28.340 --> 00:13:30.519 that our listeners get a tube of iPana toothpaste 00:13:30.519 --> 00:13:33.500 from their druggists, and for firmer gums, brighter 00:13:33.500 --> 00:13:36.100 teeth, and naturally more attractive smiles, 00:13:36.440 --> 00:13:39.000 to begin to massage faithfully with iPana toothpaste. 00:13:39.519 --> 00:13:43.120 Precisely. Oh, well, then I have nothing more 00:13:43.120 --> 00:13:45.940 to say. What was it you wanted to say, Mr. Karloff? 00:13:46.100 --> 00:13:56.440 Boo! You know something, Boris, I can't get over 00:13:56.440 --> 00:13:59.019 your conduct here tonight. You're such a gentleman. 00:13:59.259 --> 00:14:01.000 Well, why should that amaze you, Eddie? Well, 00:14:01.059 --> 00:14:03.519 you of all people, Boris Karloff. In Frankenstein, 00:14:03.620 --> 00:14:06.080 you scared people silly. Honestly, when I saw 00:14:06.080 --> 00:14:07.559 you in that picture, a girl sitting next to me 00:14:07.559 --> 00:14:09.379 screamed and threw her arms around me. And what 00:14:09.379 --> 00:14:13.059 did you do? I saw the picture five times. Well, 00:14:13.340 --> 00:14:15.700 truthfully, Eddie, I haven't wanted those horror 00:14:15.700 --> 00:14:18.340 roles. I don't want to be a monster. You don't 00:14:18.340 --> 00:14:20.279 want to be a monster? Well, what would you like 00:14:20.279 --> 00:14:27.100 to be? A sweater, boy. A sweater? Listen to Cuddles 00:14:27.100 --> 00:14:30.919 Karloff. Really, I would. I'd like to kiss girls 00:14:30.919 --> 00:14:34.460 like, oh, like Ginger Rogers and Rita Hayworth. 00:14:34.539 --> 00:14:36.440 But, Boris, girls like that won't kiss anyone 00:14:36.440 --> 00:14:39.080 who is weird and gruesome. Oh, so you've tried 00:14:39.080 --> 00:14:47.440 it, too. Isn't that nice? We're supposed to be 00:14:47.440 --> 00:14:49.990 friends. Well, we are, Eddie. And right now, 00:14:50.070 --> 00:14:52.149 I'm going out to get you a little drink to seal 00:14:52.149 --> 00:14:54.129 our friendship. Now, pardon me, I'll be right 00:14:54.129 --> 00:14:56.350 back. Of course. Isn't that cute? Gosh, getting 00:14:56.350 --> 00:15:00.669 me a drink. Such a nice fella. One thing a - 00:15:00.669 --> 00:15:04.909 Hello? Hello, Mr. Canter. I'm calling to warn 00:15:04.909 --> 00:15:08.769 you about that Karloff guy. Warn me? Yes. He 00:15:08.769 --> 00:15:10.889 gets friendly with everybody and then he gives 00:15:10.889 --> 00:15:29.669 him a drink. Hello? Hello? Oh my goodness! Well 00:15:29.669 --> 00:15:32.950 Eddie cuddles Carl off his back and with a little 00:15:32.950 --> 00:15:44.909 drink. For me? For you. I'm sorry Boris but I 00:15:44.909 --> 00:15:47.590 can't drink. You see I'm not used to it. I'll 00:15:47.590 --> 00:15:50.370 feel bad tomorrow. If I were you, I wouldn't 00:15:50.370 --> 00:15:57.370 worry about tomorrow. Now have a little drink. 00:15:57.850 --> 00:16:00.649 This may be the last time we see each other. 00:16:02.389 --> 00:16:05.110 That's what I'm afraid of. Look, Boris... It 00:16:05.110 --> 00:16:07.610 won't hurt you, Eddie. I just had a drink myself. 00:16:07.909 --> 00:16:11.009 Now do I look any worse? No, but... You couldn't 00:16:11.009 --> 00:16:14.669 look any worse. Why, this stuff is good for you. 00:16:14.750 --> 00:16:17.730 I won't drink it. It'll put hair on your chest. 00:16:17.830 --> 00:16:21.509 I've already got a hair on my chest. Just one? 00:16:21.750 --> 00:16:24.690 On my chest? Is there room for more? Please, 00:16:24.889 --> 00:16:27.149 Boris. Please, please, please. I won't take no 00:16:27.149 --> 00:16:29.950 for an answer. When I ask a man to drink, he 00:16:29.950 --> 00:16:33.929 drinks. Understand? Listen! If you're gonna get 00:16:33.929 --> 00:16:40.080 tough about it... Yeah? So I'll drink? Very well, 00:16:40.259 --> 00:16:42.759 I'll pour. And when I've poured enough for you, 00:16:42.960 --> 00:16:46.399 say when. When? Give me a chance to get the cork 00:16:46.399 --> 00:16:49.960 out of the bottle. Now I'll just pour you a short 00:16:49.960 --> 00:16:58.159 one. A short one? Don't you think that's enough? 00:16:59.299 --> 00:17:03.100 Please, for heaven's sakes! You want me to drink 00:17:03.100 --> 00:17:06.980 it or swim in it? Now drink it, drink it. It's 00:17:06.980 --> 00:17:09.539 good for a fellow your age, Eddie. By the way, 00:17:09.859 --> 00:17:12.640 how old are you? Well, I would have been 36 on 00:17:12.640 --> 00:17:18.359 my next birthday. Boris, it's no use. I just 00:17:18.359 --> 00:17:20.519 can't drink this. Eddie, after going to the trouble 00:17:20.519 --> 00:17:22.720 of pouring, somebody's got to drink it. Well, 00:17:22.960 --> 00:17:26.059 somebody? You mean anybody? Oh, oh, oh, oh, Harry? 00:17:26.480 --> 00:17:31.740 Harry Bond, there! Mr. Karloff has got something 00:17:31.740 --> 00:17:35.859 for you, Harry. Really? It's a drink. Oh, a drink? 00:17:35.880 --> 00:17:46.960 For me? For you. Drink it down, Mr. Von Zell. 00:17:47.140 --> 00:17:53.500 Oh, sure, sure. Harry, Harry, how did it taste? 00:17:53.680 --> 00:17:56.400 I don't know. I didn't drink it yet. I just smelled 00:17:56.400 --> 00:18:13.329 it. Well, here goes down the hatch. Oh, Harry, 00:18:13.390 --> 00:18:15.450 I'll get a doctor. I shouldn't have let you drink 00:18:15.450 --> 00:18:18.849 it. There was arsenic in that drink. Arsenic? 00:18:18.950 --> 00:18:23.140 Tasted more like old lace. You're being very 00:18:23.140 --> 00:18:25.319 foolish, Eddie. Whatever gave you the idea that 00:18:25.319 --> 00:18:27.559 drink was poisoned? That's probably because I 00:18:27.559 --> 00:18:30.339 phoned him and I... Harry! You were the fella 00:18:30.339 --> 00:18:33.519 that phoned me? You? Why did you do it? You know 00:18:33.519 --> 00:18:43.660 a better way to get a free drink? You cheapskate 00:18:43.660 --> 00:18:45.279 to think that you're so cheap you'd do a thing 00:18:45.279 --> 00:18:46.819 like that just to get a free drink out of me? 00:18:47.099 --> 00:18:49.259 Brandy, Eddie. Brandy. I took the bottle out 00:18:49.259 --> 00:18:51.670 of your dressing room. Boris, you stole a bottle 00:18:51.670 --> 00:18:55.750 of brandy from me? Me? Eddie Cantor? I suppose 00:18:55.750 --> 00:18:59.289 you know what that means. I do, Eddie. And here 00:18:59.289 --> 00:19:09.200 you are. Thank you, Paul, again. Say Boris, you 00:19:09.200 --> 00:19:11.099 know, in arsenic and old lace, is it true that 00:19:11.099 --> 00:19:13.180 all the victims meet death after drinking a potion 00:19:13.180 --> 00:19:15.440 of poisoned elderberry wine? It's true Eddie, 00:19:15.640 --> 00:19:18.140 and just between you and me I stole a bottle 00:19:18.140 --> 00:19:20.380 of the deadly stuff and I always have it with 00:19:20.380 --> 00:19:23.099 me in case I want to do away with someone. You 00:19:23.099 --> 00:19:25.980 did? You mean you stole it? I did, and here's 00:19:25.980 --> 00:19:29.160 the bottle. Now take a sniff. It smells very 00:19:29.160 --> 00:19:33.259 nice. Wait. I'll pull out the cork. Stand back. 00:19:33.519 --> 00:19:39.069 There's a terrific head on it. How do you do? 00:19:44.390 --> 00:19:53.170 Russian Russian I'm glad you're here Russian 00:19:53.170 --> 00:19:55.730 I want you to know that standing before you is 00:19:55.730 --> 00:19:58.809 the famous creation of Frankenstein the cruelest 00:19:58.809 --> 00:20:01.470 creature on the face of the earth the monster 00:20:01.470 --> 00:20:14.539 without a brain Of course not. Don't you recognize 00:20:14.539 --> 00:20:18.039 Boris Karloff? The screen's most fiendish villain? 00:20:18.480 --> 00:20:21.339 The grotesque looking boogeyman? Oh yes. Hello 00:20:21.339 --> 00:20:26.299 handsome. Handsome? You think I'm handsome? In 00:20:26.299 --> 00:20:30.220 a repulsive sort of way. Oh behave yourself will 00:20:30.220 --> 00:20:35.980 you? Listen you Mongolian Mickey. One more insult 00:20:35.980 --> 00:20:38.579 from you and I'll strangle you. How would you 00:20:38.579 --> 00:20:41.759 like to be a corpse? Is there any future in it? 00:20:44.579 --> 00:20:47.359 Russian, Russian You don't realize who you're 00:20:47.359 --> 00:20:50.119 talking to This is Karloff When you go to the 00:20:50.119 --> 00:20:53.460 movies He makes your blood run cold Sends chills 00:20:53.460 --> 00:20:56.240 and shivers up your spine He's a cooling system 00:20:58.990 --> 00:21:01.730 No, he plays in horror pictures. That's right, 00:21:01.869 --> 00:21:05.150 Russian. I play weird, sinister roles. I can 00:21:05.150 --> 00:21:07.349 make your hair stand up. Hmm, can you make it 00:21:07.349 --> 00:21:13.190 sit down? Oh, Boris. Boris, tell them about some 00:21:13.190 --> 00:21:15.210 of the pictures that you've made. Well, in one 00:21:15.210 --> 00:21:18.269 picture I had to sit in a dark tomb day and night. 00:21:18.609 --> 00:21:21.670 Nothing but cobwebs on the wall and bats flying 00:21:21.670 --> 00:21:26.009 around. Russian, did you ever see a bat? See 00:21:26.009 --> 00:21:32.420 one? I married one. She was ugly? Yes, but I 00:21:32.420 --> 00:21:34.400 didn't know it until the honeymoon. Until the... 00:21:34.400 --> 00:21:38.640 why not? I married her during a blackout. Oh, 00:21:38.660 --> 00:21:41.339 you must have made a lovely couple. Ah, yes. 00:21:41.799 --> 00:21:43.420 Once we played together in a horror picture. 00:21:43.440 --> 00:21:45.740 And what was the name of it? Arsenic and Old 00:21:45.740 --> 00:21:49.980 Borscht. I played the Old Borscht. But, Russian, 00:21:50.059 --> 00:21:52.640 how could you play in a horror picture? You don't 00:21:52.640 --> 00:21:59.119 look so bad. Ah, silly boy. I'm sorry, I'm so 00:21:59.119 --> 00:22:01.539 ugly that this morning when I looked into the 00:22:01.539 --> 00:22:05.960 mirror Yes? My face broke Oh, stop it! Ah, but 00:22:05.960 --> 00:22:08.140 I was a beautiful baby When I was three weeks 00:22:08.140 --> 00:22:10.900 old, I got my first tooth And when did you get 00:22:10.900 --> 00:22:13.140 your second tooth? You're supposed to have two 00:22:13.140 --> 00:22:20.160 of them Russian, you mean to say you've only 00:22:20.160 --> 00:22:23.220 got one tooth? How can you eat meat? Working 00:22:23.220 --> 00:22:31.680 for you, who can buy me? Oh, stop. Will you stop 00:22:31.680 --> 00:22:33.400 this nonsense? You can't compare yourself with 00:22:33.400 --> 00:22:35.920 Karloff. As the Frankenstein monster, Karloff 00:22:35.920 --> 00:22:38.539 frightened the audience simply by making a weird 00:22:38.539 --> 00:22:41.200 sound. That's right, Russian. I had no dialogue. 00:22:41.440 --> 00:22:47.740 So whenever I opened my mouth, I just went... 00:22:47.740 --> 00:22:52.700 Feel all right? He was just making a weird sound. 00:22:52.819 --> 00:22:54.960 Oh, I can make worse sounds than he can. Let's 00:22:54.960 --> 00:22:56.880 have a contest and I'll prove it. Go ahead. Go 00:22:56.880 --> 00:23:02.960 ahead, Mr. Karlofer. Go on. Can't be. Put on 00:23:02.960 --> 00:23:07.539 his leash. I'll take him for a walk. How dare 00:23:07.539 --> 00:23:19.799 you! You have insulted Boris Karloff. One of 00:23:19.799 --> 00:23:21.839 the nicest gentlemen I've ever known. If you 00:23:21.839 --> 00:23:24.000 keep on insulting people, Russian, you won't 00:23:24.000 --> 00:23:26.559 have a friend left in the world. No friends, 00:23:27.240 --> 00:23:30.799 eh? Do you know Mr. District Attorney? Yes. You 00:23:30.799 --> 00:23:34.220 can get me a parole. Parole? Are you in prison? 00:23:34.420 --> 00:23:37.380 Am I working for you? Of course. People, am I 00:23:37.380 --> 00:23:43.059 in prison? Don't encourage him, you Bialystok 00:23:43.059 --> 00:23:45.319 baboon. You're giving the audience the impression 00:23:45.319 --> 00:23:47.480 that I do not pay my people. Tell them when I 00:23:47.480 --> 00:23:49.079 pay you. Tell everybody when I pay you. Well, 00:23:49.079 --> 00:23:51.799 for the first two weeks I get nothing. But for 00:23:51.799 --> 00:23:55.539 the next 13, I still get nothing. It's not much, 00:23:55.539 --> 00:24:04.359 but it's steady. I'll never get over your making 00:24:04.359 --> 00:24:06.660 Boris Kolof walk out on us. A man who made such 00:24:06.660 --> 00:24:10.220 pictures as Frankenstein, the mummy. What? The 00:24:10.220 --> 00:24:15.119 what? Mummy. Mummy. Mummy. What's a mummy, baby? 00:24:18.659 --> 00:24:20.839 Any man who would stand talking to you for any 00:24:20.839 --> 00:24:23.700 length of time would have to be a moron, an idiot, 00:24:23.940 --> 00:24:34.839 and an imbecile. How do you do? Alright now, 00:24:35.059 --> 00:24:36.819 alright, I guess you folks it's all through now 00:24:36.819 --> 00:24:38.859 so pick up your traps and move along. Now wait 00:24:38.859 --> 00:24:41.119 a second. I can't wait for nothing. I'm the janitor 00:24:41.119 --> 00:24:43.480 here and the boss says, George, he says... My 00:24:43.480 --> 00:24:46.160 name is George. George, he says, clean up studio 00:24:46.160 --> 00:24:47.960 8H as soon as them folks is through in there. 00:24:48.079 --> 00:24:50.180 Yeah, but look, George. And don't take no back 00:24:50.180 --> 00:24:51.640 talk from none of them, he says. Yeah, but look, 00:24:51.680 --> 00:24:54.559 I'm Eddie Kander. Oh, sure. And I'm the mad Russian. 00:24:54.940 --> 00:24:58.640 How dare you! Hey, what is this? Now, look, George, 00:24:59.160 --> 00:25:01.539 this is the Eddie Kander program. The diner sure 00:25:01.539 --> 00:25:04.160 is over there. I'm Harry Von Zell. Well, I'm 00:25:04.160 --> 00:25:06.059 pleased to meet you, Mr. Von Zell. I've heard 00:25:06.059 --> 00:25:08.140 you say some mighty helpful things on this program 00:25:08.140 --> 00:25:11.109 of yours. well thanks to our guests and if you've 00:25:11.109 --> 00:25:13.049 got anything to say now you'll go right ahead 00:25:13.049 --> 00:25:15.349 i'm in no hurry and i'll see that these other 00:25:15.349 --> 00:25:18.630 folks don't interrupt well thanks again yes what 00:25:18.630 --> 00:25:21.029 we have to say is helpful to you ladies and gentlemen 00:25:21.029 --> 00:25:22.950 it's well worth a few seconds it takes to do 00:25:22.950 --> 00:25:25.890 it many of you can benefit for example by learning 00:25:25.890 --> 00:25:28.529 about sal hapatica to know that whenever you 00:25:28.529 --> 00:25:31.230 need a laxative sal hapatica brings gentle speedy 00:25:31.230 --> 00:25:34.019 relief usually within an hour And that means 00:25:34.019 --> 00:25:35.799 you don't have to put off till night taking the 00:25:35.799 --> 00:25:37.779 laxative you need in the morning, so you don't 00:25:37.779 --> 00:25:39.940 risk going through the whole day feeling miserable. 00:25:40.700 --> 00:25:43.779 Salhepatica has another advantage too. Salhepatica 00:25:43.779 --> 00:25:46.759 also helps counteract excess gastric acidity, 00:25:47.079 --> 00:25:49.779 helps turn a sour stomach sweet again. So get 00:25:49.779 --> 00:25:52.180 a bottle from your druggist tomorrow, and whenever 00:25:52.180 --> 00:25:54.579 you need a laxative, morning, noon or night, 00:25:54.920 --> 00:25:57.339 see how much faster you feel better when you 00:25:57.339 --> 00:26:04.130 take gentle, speedy Salhepatica. There's taxes, 00:26:04.349 --> 00:26:06.349 shoo, there's trouble, shoo The price of beans 00:26:06.349 --> 00:26:10.869 is double, yes sir The skies are gray Though 00:26:10.869 --> 00:26:13.150 it's tough and getting tougher Are you gonna 00:26:13.150 --> 00:26:18.650 sit and suffer? No sir, get up and say Boy oh 00:26:18.650 --> 00:26:22.730 boy oh boy oh boy We are fighting for freedom 00:26:22.730 --> 00:26:28.890 and for joy Boy oh boy oh boy oh boy When we 00:26:28.890 --> 00:26:32.539 hit him, it will be the real McCoy There are 00:26:32.539 --> 00:26:36.859 bumps, bumps, bumps in the road And we're totin' 00:26:36.960 --> 00:26:41.680 a darn heavy load But boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh 00:26:41.680 --> 00:26:47.220 boy We are fighting for freedom and for joy Sure 00:26:47.220 --> 00:26:49.660 there's trouble, guns are poppin' Interfers with 00:26:49.660 --> 00:26:53.839 Christmas shoppin' Yes sir, the skies are gray 00:26:53.839 --> 00:26:56.839 We know life is what we make it Are we gonna 00:26:56.839 --> 00:27:02.099 sit and take it? No sir, get up and say Oh boy, 00:27:02.099 --> 00:27:06.460 oh boy, oh boy, oh boy Got a country that nothing 00:27:06.460 --> 00:27:12.559 can destroy Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy Here's 00:27:12.559 --> 00:27:17.140 a country a fellow can enjoy With the whole world 00:27:17.140 --> 00:27:21.500 going to cotton Brother look around and see what 00:27:21.500 --> 00:27:49.769 we've got for being our guest tonight. And next 00:27:49.769 --> 00:27:52.309 week, ladies and gentlemen, Christmas Eve, the 00:27:52.309 --> 00:27:54.829 Bristol Myers Company, sponsors of Time to Smile 00:27:54.829 --> 00:27:58.289 and Mr. District Attorney, are giving their time 00:27:58.289 --> 00:28:01.450 to the American Red Cross. So join us next week 00:28:01.450 --> 00:28:04.250 for a full hour over the same stations when you 00:28:04.250 --> 00:28:07.250 will hear such stars as Fibber McGee and Molly, 00:28:07.930 --> 00:28:11.410 the Aldrich family, Loretta Young, Irving Berlin, 00:28:12.029 --> 00:28:15.009 the Honorable Fiorella LaGuardia, Diana Durbin 00:28:15.009 --> 00:28:18.400 and many others. Meantime, don't forget the two 00:28:18.400 --> 00:28:20.619 products that make these Wednesdays possible. 00:28:21.259 --> 00:28:23.759 EyePanna for the smile of beauty, Sal Hepatica 00:28:23.759 --> 00:28:27.099 for the smile of health. EyePanna, Sal Hepatica. 00:28:27.160 --> 00:28:48.519 Now, remember... It's new, it's different, it's 00:28:48.519 --> 00:28:51.420 Touche. Bristol Myers, makers of Sal Hepatica 00:28:51.420 --> 00:28:53.859 and iPana, announce an amazing beauty discovery, 00:28:54.140 --> 00:28:57.460 Touche. A new hand lotion with a brand new idea. 00:28:58.119 --> 00:28:59.980 Other hand lotions are applied after you have 00:28:59.980 --> 00:29:02.660 had your hands in water. Touche is smoothed on 00:29:02.660 --> 00:29:05.279 before your daily soap and water tasks to protect 00:29:05.279 --> 00:29:07.440 your hands against the harsh drying effects of 00:29:07.440 --> 00:29:11.119 hot soapy water. Touche spelled T -O -U -S -H 00:29:11.119 --> 00:29:14.279 -A -Y. Touche helps make chapped hands soft and 00:29:14.279 --> 00:29:20.430 lovely too. So begin today to use Touche. I love 00:29:20.430 --> 00:29:31.690 to spend each Wednesday with you. This is the 00:29:31.690 --> 00:29:33.170 National Broadcasting Company.