The makers of Chase and Sanborn Coffee bring
you the Charlie McCarthy Show! This is Ken Carpenter,
ladies and gentlemen. Greeting you on behalf
of Edgar Bergen, Charlie McCarthy, Ray Noble
and his orchestra, Anita Gordon, Mortimer Snird,
Jack Mather, Verna Felton, and our guest for
this Sunday, W .C. Fields. And here's Edgar Bergen
and Charlie McCarthy. Charlie, why are you wearing
those dark glasses? And what's the idea of that
silly mustache? You're, uh... You're mistaken
me for someone else, sir. I am Maximilian J.
Heckelfeather. Well, just what's the idea of
this get -up, Charlie? And stop calling me Charlie,
Bergen. I mean, stranger. I think this has gone
far enough, Charlie. Why don't you take off that
phony disguise and explain yourself? I'll tell
you. The cops are after me. The cops? Yeah. No.
Yeah. I tell you, there's a ceiling price on
my head. Oh, yeah? How do you know that they're
after you? Well, you see, I was at the corner
drugstore in the payphone section. Yes. Looking
for neglected nickels. Oh, yeah. Is that why
they're after you? No. There was a policeman
in the next booth, see? Yes. And I overheard
him say Charlie McCarthy is the one we're after.
Oh ho! Yes. That sounds bad. Yes, I wouldn't
be surprised if the cops are outside right now.
Well, if you haven't done anything wrong, why
don't you go out and meet them like a man? Eh,
no, no, no. I'd rather stay here and play hard
to get. Yeah. Well, my advice to you, Charlie,
is shh, shh, shh, listen. Did you hear anything?
No. No? No. It's funny, I heard it, too. What
was that, Charlie? Sort of a snapping noise.
Snapping? Yeah, like handcuffs. Oh, now, now,
Charlie. Why don't you calm down? I tell you,
if they lock me up, Bergen. Yes. Promise me you'll
bring me hot soup. Yeah. And a cold chisel. Yeah.
I wouldn't joke if I were you. No. No, I guess
you're right. No. Who knows, I? I may get 99
years. Or even worse, life. Yes. Yeah. Oh, maybe
even, maybe even the, the, the fireless cooker,
huh? Oh, no, no, no. All right, Charlie, Charlie.
Now take it easy. I will help you. Good. If you're
not guilty. Why? I guess I better skip to South
America. No, Charlie. Remember, no matter where
you go, your conscience will be right there beside
you. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Well, then you'll have to
pay his own way. Now the first thing to find
out is... what they want you for. Yes. Have you
done anything wrong lately? Me? Yes. Naive, isn't
he? I have been leading a normal life. Normal?
Yeah. So I must have done something wrong. Well,
if I'm going to help you, Charlie, you'll have
to tell me everything you've done. Yes, sir.
So out with it. Well, sir. Well, for one thing,
there was a picture of a wanted bank robber in
the post office. Yes. And what about it? Well,
I pasted a photograph of the chief of police
over it. That's not funny. No, sir. Is there
anything else? Yes. He was the one who put the
skunk in the school ventilator. Oh. Causing vacation
to set in. Yes. I see. Yeah. Are you sure there
isn't anything else? Well, last week I thought
maybe the truant officer's car might run better
if I let all that stale old air out of his tires.
Yeah. Well, I don't think that's it. There must
be something more. Well, let me think. Oh, yeah.
Stand back for this one, Bergen. Oh, there you
are. I surrender. I surrender. Oh, oh, it's you,
Ken. Oh, you scared me. Sorry. Edgar, there's
an important phone call for you. You can take
it right here. Oh, thank you, Ken. Yes. Hello?
Yes? The police? You say you want Charlie. The
noose is tightening. Yes, Charlie's right here.
No, that does it. When does the next bus leave
for China? You're coming over. That's fine. He'll
be here. Goodbye. So, you turned me in, didn't
you? Why, you dirty stool, pigeon -toed, double
-crosser, you... No, Charlie. Wait a minute.
The police want you to appear. In the lineup,
huh? No, no. It's at the policeman's ball. Yeah,
I... A show? Yeah. No. That's it? Oh, I got a
reprieve, huh? Yeah. I had to cop some appels,
yeah. You told them I'd be there, didn't you?
Yes, of course. I told them that earlier today
when they phoned. Yeah. You mean you knew it
all the time? Yes, I did. And you let me confess
all that stuff? Yeah, yeah. Why, you... Don't
you ever speak to me again, you stranger. Charlie,
don't touch me, Charlie. Don't touch me! Let
go! Where go you double crotch? Charlie! Don't
talk to me Charlie I could tell the police all
those things you confessed Let's talk it over
pal, huh? Ray Nobland is orchestra with a new
arrangement of that old favorite You've got me
crying again. more coffee pleasure for you. Get
Chase & Sanborn coffee for shade -grown flavor.
The extra goodness that America loves in Chase
& Sanborn is shade -grown flavor. More delicious,
fuller, richer, completely satisfying. Shade
-grown flavor accounts for the fame of this superb
blend. The flavor choice of millions for 82 years.
In the past year, more people than ever before
have been choosing Chase & Sanborn coffee for
its shade -grown flavor. Those two words explain
where the flavor comes from. Shade -grown means
just that. These finer coffee beans are protected
from the fierce tropical sun all the time they're
growing. An awning of taller trees arches over
the growing coffee, breaking the direct rays
of the sun so the rich tropical soil can work
its flavor magic slowly and completely. By the
time these finer coffee beans have matured, they
are filled with shade -grown flavor. Make the
most of this grand opportunity every time you
buy coffee. Ask for Chase and Sanborn, the coffee
with shade -grown flavor. Hello, Mr. Bergen.
Well, Martimer. Well, yeah, that's right. You
don't look like yourself today. Well... Hmm?
I say you don't look like yourself today. Well,
that's good, ain't it? Yeah, that's good. Your
face is all covered with bumps. What on earth
happened? Well, I wanted to see what you had
inside them white boxes down at the end of your
yard. Oh, the white boxes. You mean my beehives.
I shouldn't have done it. No, no. Why, you should
know better than to fool with them. Why, you're
foolhardy. I'm more than a snitch. Those were
bees. I say they were bees. Did you hear a lot
of buzzing? Yeah, I did, yeah. Yeah, that's what
I heard. I thought it was in my head. Oh, no.
That's one on me. That's the way it goes, yeah.
That's the way it goes, and I got it. Yeah, yeah.
Why, there are hundreds of bees in each hive.
It looks as though they all try to sting your
face. For a while, I didn't think I'd have enough
face to go around. Well, when you disturb bees,
they sting you. Yeah, I know that now. But after
they sting you, they die. Yeah. You mean my face
scares them to death? No. No, Martimer. There
are a lot of things you should know about bees.
So I'll give you a few pointers. Oh, thanks.
I've had enough pointers today. Bees belong to
the apuida family. And the honeybees are called
apus mellifica. No! Yes, it does. That's a Latin
name. Oh, they speak Latin too, huh? Yeah. There
are three types of bees. The most common are
the worker bees. They just work their heads off.
Well, that ain't the end they worked on me with.
No. Oh, excuse me. And then there's the queen
bee. The queen lays about 3 ,000 eggs a day.
Yeah? Yeah. Gosh, wait till I tell my hens about
that. Yeah. And then there's the drone. You know
what the drone is, don't you? Uh, the drone?
Yes. That's what the queen sits on. No, no, no.
That's the throne. Oh, throne, yeah. I can see
that I'm just wasting my time with you, Mortimer.
You are, without a doubt, the most stupid person
in the world. Well, maybe so. But I never let
it go to my head, no. Oh, Edgar, I think I ought
to tell you W .C. Fields hasn't shown up yet.
He hasn't, Ken? Well, that isn't like Bill. Maybe
he stopped off someplace for a malted milk. Well,
that isn't like Bill either. I believe I'll call
his home and see what's wrong. Number, please.
Oh, hello, operator. I want Burgundy, 1928. Burgundy,
1928. Gee, I hope nothing's wrong. Hello. Oh,
oh, hello. Who's this? I'm a real estate agent,
Herkimer P. Escrow. Well, isn't this W .C. Field's
residence? As of last Monday? No. You see, his
lease expired. Oh, I see. Well, aren't you going
to renew it? Are you kidding? Well, surely he
didn't cause you any trouble, did he? Oh, no.
For one thing, the neighbors became a little
tired of his ridiculous exhibition of swan dives
in the swimming pool. Oh, I see. Well, what's
wrong with that? There is no swimming pool. Oh,
I see. Well, can you tell me where Mr. Fields
is staying now? Why, yes. He's at the Creeping
Springs Sanitarium. And it may sound ironical,
but his room number is H2O. Goodbye. Oh, Bergen,
what's this about Mr. Fields, huh? Why, he's
in a sanitarium. No. Yes. I wonder what's wrong.
Well, I wonder what's wrong, too. Maybe a nasty
case of hiccups, huh? Oh, no. He has his faults,
but he still is a great guy when you know him.
Yes, he is, yes. His heart is as big as his nose.
Yeah. Oh, we must run out and see him right away.
We'll take him a box of nice chocolates. Yeah.
Oh, he can't be that sick. Well, all right. Charlie,
will you help me with my lesson? Oh, I'd love
to, Anita, but I'm going to see Mr. Fields. Don't
you want to send him anything? Well, I could
send him a little song. Oh, he'd like that. Especially
Sweet Adeline. Oh. Well, I think this song is
much prettier. Okay, Anita. You wrap it up nice
and neat, and I'll see that he gets it. And then
I looked at you The breath of springtime, the
lilacs on the tree The set of roses, the music
of the sea Grounds, hasn't it? Yes, it has. I
guess Mr. Field's bungalow is right along here
someplace. The even numbers are on this side.
Yes. Well, that's it there. Look, even the number
is lit up. I'll tell you what we'll do, Charlie.
Let's walk in and surprise Field. or hypothermic.
Why? Bill, it's us, Bill. Fine thing. A man can't
even sit in his own boudoir without being accosted
by beggars. Shall I let him have it now? No,
no, no. Bill, it's your old friends Edgar and
Charlie. Well, so it is. Come in. It's good to
see you. Well, Charles, I hear you got married
and raised yourself a court of children. I fear
that isn't quite true, sir. You fear it isn't
quite true, sir. You fear anything I hate is
a polite kid. Oh, Bill, it's good to see you
again. How true that old proverb is, old friends
like old wines are best, huh? Yes indeedy, Edgar,
yes indeedy, especially the wine. Bill, I was
going to bring you a basket of fruit, but I decided
to ask you first what you like best and then
have it sent out. Oh, I like branded peaches.
Branded peaches, yes. They're very nourishing.
Squeeze the peaches, just save the juice. Bill,
you don't sound like you're ill. What are you
doing here in the sanitarium? Oh, well, don't
you know there's a housing shortage? Oh. So that's
why you're living here. You mean you're not really
sick, Bill? Quiet. Yes, if they think you're
well, they'll toss you out of here too, won't
they? Surely. Say, I was told about your eviction,
Bill. I'd like to hear your side of the story.
Yes, we've already heard the truth. That's very
good, my little chum. Very good, very good. You
know, chums, many's the time I wish you could
be here to fill that terrible vacancy. In your
heart, Mr. Fields? Oh, in my fireplace. Well,
it would be nice. That'd be a nice place to bake
that red apple. Or is it your nose? Bill, why
were you evicted from your home? Well, the whole
thing started over a very few small birds. I've
always been very fond of our feathered friends,
large, small, tame, wild. Blonde or brunette?
Yes, I hear you have a yellow -throated magpie
in your aviary. What about a mongoose? Yes, I
had one, but he worked himself to death. Bill,
you have quite a collection, haven't you? Yes,
I have. Yes, I have. I always had a very rare
Australian duck -billed platypus. Well, I'm sure
the doctors can cure you. No, John. No, there
is such a bird. It has fur on its body, lives
in the water, has a duck bill and lays eggs.
Yes, like I do. Yes. How small is this bird?
Do you have to have glasses to see it? Yes, about
three or four. Bill, what have the birds got
to do with your eviction? Well, one day I was
watching a bird through my field glasses. Yeah?
When my vision accidentally roamed to a neighbor's
patio. where a young damsel was taking his son
back. It was an unavoidable mistake, I take it.
Oh, yes, yes. Indubitant fact. It was. I was
the most surprised person in the world when the
police came and carried me away in that black
school bus. Well, don't tell me you got in that
patrol wagon without putting up a fight, Bill.
Yes, they tricked me. How? Oh, they told me it
was a beard drop. Don't. Clang, clang, clang.
Hey, Peels, what's going on in there? Who's that,
the warden? Oh, that's my medicated chambermaid.
They tell me, Bill, do you have a nice nurse?
She has a soul. of an ice cube. Now remember,
boys, don't expose me. Oh, no, no. I'm supposed
to be a very sick man. Oh, sure, sure, sure.
Oh, you're sitting up, huh? Well, it looks like
you're just about well. Isn't she a tough dame?
Frankly, nurse, I don't think I'll last through
the night. Good. Then I can rent this room out
tomorrow. That's no way to talk. He's a very
sick man. Why, he's within three fingers of death's
door. Why, look, he's shaking like a mint leaf.
Shake a leg. How could you tell? This morning
he tried to blow the foam off the medicine. Oh.
Now just a minute, nurse. He's a sick man. You
keep out of this, Curly. Who do you think you
are? I'm Edgar Bergen. Yes, I know. And I'm Lana
Turner. Field, why don't you pack up and go home?
He can't go home. He was thrown out of there
too. Oh, so that's it. Why don't you close your
nut hole, you talking totem pole? Why, you two
-legged martini. Now Charlie, remember we came
here to extend the olive branch. What's the use?
He'll only trip over it. No. One more crack and
I'll nail some runners on your stomach and use
you for a sled. You slain, eh, you? I've never
been so insulted since the day I was born. Yeah,
you weren't born. You were squeezed out of a
bar rag. Here! Get out of here! All of you! Get
out of here! Here we go again. Here we go. Clang,
clang, clang, clang, clang. Here we are again.
flavor in the process. That's why this is so
important. The richer, more delicious coffee
flavor that Chase and Sanborn gives you is shade
-grown flavor. Shade -grown flavor is the extra
goodness that distinguishes this superb blend.
That tells you why, in the past year, more people
than ever before have been enjoying Chase and
Sanborn coffee. It's shade -grown flavor in lavish
abundance, all your cup will hold. In the tropics,
shade -grown means that these finer coffee beans
take in more flavor from the soil. A leafy canopy
of taller trees shields the growing coffee from
the fierce sun, giving nature the chance to perform
her flavor miracle. And here at home, that means
more enjoyment in every cup of Chase and Sanborn.
By the cup, you call it coffee. By the pound,
it's Chase and Sanborn. It's what you call coffee
in the store. So use the American byword for
coffee. Ask for Chase and Sanborn. next Sunday
when our guest will be Roy Rogers, King of the
Cowboys. This is Ken Carpenter speaking to you
from the Pasadena Playhouse, Pasadena, California.
puddings than any other kind, because royal puddings
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royal puddings taste more delicious. Say eight
out of every ten. The National Broadcasting Company.