WEBVTT

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with Les Brown and his band ever now. Here is

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truly, Hi Aberback, our special guest, Jane Russell.

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And here he is, Bob Hope. Thank you. Thank you

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very much. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

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Here we are at Camp Roberts, California for the

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men of the Army. And it's always a special personal

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thrill to play Camp Roberts. I've played a lot

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of Army camps, but this is the only one they

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named after me. This camp is located in the heart

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of the lettuce country. I haven't seen this much

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green since Crosby dropped his wallet. But while

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they're in basic training, these guys are supposed

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to forget completely about girls. These guys

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mustn't even think of girls. In fact, every night

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an MP goes through the barracks with a flashlight

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and wakes up anyone who's got a smile on his

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face. But today the Army offers wonderful educational

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opportunities to GIs. No kidding, you can learn

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almost any trade or profession right in the Army.

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One guy here took a lot of courses and it really

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helped him. Now he can write home for money in

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seven different languages. Yes sir, you can learn

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a lot of things in the army, but where else can

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you use those words? But the most popular fellow

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in camp is a guy who is studying science, electronics,

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and anatomy. His ambition is to build his own

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whack. All engineers, huh? Yes, sir, the Army

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has improved in lots of ways. For example, they

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now have garbage disposals in every mess hall.

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They're known as KP's. But there's one Army course

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that's really popular. It's called How to Be

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a Civilian. General Eisenhower took it, and the

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Army also has... But the Army also has a wonderful

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athletic program. Only this morning, a guy here

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set a New World's record for the 100 -yard dash.

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He backed into a bayonet. And they have a few

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baseball teams in the base here. They play quite

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a game. The officers played the enlisted men

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the other day, but it wasn't very fair. The pitcher

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was a captain, and every time he threw the ball,

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he'd salute the guy at bat. You either struck

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out or went to the guardhouse. And during the

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game, the pitcher yelled at the umpire, you're

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blind as a bat. And the umpire yelled back, tell

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it to my draft board. They ran short of pitchers,

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but they never should have gotten that guy off

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KP. The count was three and two and he peeled

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the ball. And one of the things that made such

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an enjoyable experience for me was working with

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a lovely gal who supplied lots of talent and

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all the good looks. And here she is, Miss Jane

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Russell, right here. Thank you, everybody, and

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thank you, Bob. Isn't that a nice line, huh?

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Nice to see you, Jane. Bob, it was nice of you

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to invite me here tonight, Bob, but I really

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don't know why. What do you mean? Oh, we spend

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every day for three months together. How can

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you stand the sight of me? Sit down. This may

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take a little time. Oh, no, Bob, I don't trust

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you. You don't, huh? No. And furthermore, I want

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to move out of my dressing room at Paramount.

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It's too close to yours. You mean? Yes. I found

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out you were digging a tunnel. I didn't think

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those gophers would snitch. But you know, Jane,

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since you made a second picture with me, I'm

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getting a reputation for being quite a screen

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lover, you know. I bet you've got all the romantic

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leading men in Hollywood worried. You said it.

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I keep getting letters from Gregory asking me

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how to peck. You know, Bob, now there's... Wait

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till I finish selling this joke. I'm sorry. You

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know, Bob, now that the picture's finished and

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doing so well, I feel kind of silly about not

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wanting to do it at first. Well, everybody hesitates

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about starting a new picture. I know, but I'll

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never forget that day in the producer's office

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at Paramount. I know. Ah, you're right on time,

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Jane. Have a seat, please. Thank you, Mr. Welch.

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Jane, as you know, we'd like you to make another

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picture with Bob Hope. How does that strike you?

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Well, Bob's a very good actor, but those love

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scenes... Well, he never seems to let go. Well,

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I'm afraid that that happens with all his leading

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ladies, Jane. It does? Yes. You see, when Hope

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kisses a girl, his nose gets stuck on their forehead

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and suction sets in. As a matter of fact, last

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time he kissed Virginia Mayo, we had to separate

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them with a razor blade. Now, look, Jane girl,

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I know it's an ordeal to make a picture with

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Hope, but please don't think of yourself. Think

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of me, your old producer. You see, I'm not a

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well man. I'm afraid in a little while, I'll

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be producing pictures for that big Paramount

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studio in the sky. Mr. Welch, you mean you're

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going to... Yes, yes. As an economy measure,

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the studio has asked me to kill myself. So Jane,

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make a condemned man happy and do this picture.

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Well, I... Oh, that must be hope. I sent for

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him. Now, I'll go get the script for the new

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picture and you be nice to him. All right. Come

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in. Oh, hi, Jane. haven't seen you in a long

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time hello Bob gee you look wonderful Jane so

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tan and healthy how do I look to you well turn

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around and let me look at you well hmm how things

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been otherwise Oh, gee, I thought I looked pretty

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good. I've been taking care of myself lately.

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Well, look, Bob, I'm not really sure we should

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do another picture together. Jane, how can you

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say that? Well, since we work together, I've

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sort of gone on to a different type of leading

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man. You know, I... Huh? So, Bob, I think we'd

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better forget the picture because, well, you're

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such a great actor. I might hold you back. Oh,

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no, Jane, you're a fine actress. One of the most

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promising actresses on the screen. Flattery won't

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help, Bob. You've never really come through,

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but look, Jane, I, uh... Always promises. Look,

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Jane... I mean it, if you, uh... Gotta save this

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stuff for television, don't we? Look, Jane, I

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mean it. If you make this picture, I'll give

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you a great big kiss. Threats won't help either.

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Now look, Janey, I, uh... Well, I've got the

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script for the new picture. Ah, Ja Ja Welsh.

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Now look, Mr. Welsh. Jane hasn't made up her

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mind yet. She hasn't, eh? Jane, you don't know

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what a break this is. Well, I don't like to be

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stubborn. Tell me, what's the picture about?

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Well, it's about the new rich West. As the first

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scene opens, you, Jane, are sitting in your 45

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-room ranch house talking to your butler. I beg

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your pardon. There's an honorary critter here

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to see you, I reckon, madam. He says his name

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is Palefus Hope. That's the cowpoke that's made

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so much money raising cattle. Well, I didn't

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think he made Chanel number five. Howdy, Mr.

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J, my little maverick, my sweet little heifer.

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I'm gonna hogtie you and put my brand on you.

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You know what you're gonna become? Ground round?

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No missy, I'm aiming to make you Mrs. Pale first

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hope. Now hold on there varmint, I ain't hitching

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up with no varmints that ain't just as rich as

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I am. But I'm rich, just as more than I bought

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five hundred thousand beautiful head of milk

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and cows. And no bull? Honey, you know I wouldn't

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lie to you. loaded on my ranch I got a hundred

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thousand acres of wheat a hundred acres of alfalfa

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and a hundred thousand acres are just money you

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plant money yeah I'm gonna grow it myself and

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cut out the middleman yes ma 'am I'm filthy rich

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got most of my money for my parents you did yeah

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my mother's rich and my father's filthy so look

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here Jane you vomits Cheers, sir. Thank you.

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Thank you, Harkins. Tea, Cactus Bob. Thank you,

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ma 'am. A lemon? I reckon. Sugar? All right.

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Sal -belly? I ain't a hankering for any chow,

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man. I want to answer to my proposal and make

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it fast. I got the super chief double -parked

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outside. All right, pale face, I'll be your bride.

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Yippee! Honey, you made me the happiest man in

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the West. For our honeymoon, we'll go to my big

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rambling ranch in Arizona. It's the biggest ranch

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you ever saw. During the day, we'll go horseback

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riding in the front yard. And at night, we'll

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sit on the backyard and watch the rain come down.

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Rain in Arizona? I told you, it was a big ranch.

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The backyard's in California. I wrote a little

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number for Jane and myself. A little number called

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Wing Ding Less. Howdy, stranger. Is there anything

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I can do for you? Yeah. Scratch my back. Is that

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all? No. One other thing. Let's get a life in

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this joint, huh? Okay, stranger, if that's the

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way you want it. Hold it, Jeff. Hey, Sam! I'm

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singing, tonight I'll do some flinging Time to

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start the show I'm laughing, I'm humming Because

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I know what's coming Things have been too slow

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And now we'll make them go I got the man! how'd

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you like it oh fine is there anything I can do

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for you yeah scratch my back Russell did finally

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agree with Bob Holt they completed the picture

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but now let's go back to the night of the preview

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of the picture here in Los Angeles Bob was at

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home getting dressed for the big event as we

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look in we find him shaving well that side looks

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good now I'll run down the other side there boy

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what a job feels so good gee this is the smoothest

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I ever got my legs Now let's see now, I brush

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my teeth, comb my hair, put talc on my face,

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now what have I forgotten? Oh yes, yes. My eyebrow's

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growing so fast. Let's see how I look now. I

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wonder if I should try it tonight. No, that's

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silly. Oh, why not? What's to lose? I'll try

00:15:54.879 --> 00:15:57.799
it just once more. Here goes. Mirror, mirror

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on the wall. Who is the fairest of them all?

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Stupid mirror. While I'm about ready, I wish

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Jane would get here. I should have really picked

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her up, but my kids won't let me have the car

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tonight. Say, that must be Jane now. Hello, Jane,

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come on in. Hi, Bob. You all ready for the preview?

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Yeah, just, preview, yes. Hi, Bob. Yeah, I haven't

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been to a preview this week. Let's go to the

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preview first, then we go to the preview. Hi,

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Bob. You ready to leave for the preview? Yeah,

00:16:52.940 --> 00:16:54.940
yeah. Yeah, and then we'll go to the preview.

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Well, anyway... I'm just about, Jim. Oh, we better

00:16:58.759 --> 00:17:09.660
get going. It's almost time. Tickets, please.

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Oh, here you are. Oh, wait a minute. These aren't

00:17:12.640 --> 00:17:14.299
tickets. They're studio passes. You'll have to

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pay a tax on them. But this has never happened

00:17:16.480 --> 00:17:19.420
before. We always see the preview free. I'm sorry,

00:17:19.519 --> 00:17:21.140
miss. No, you better take your mother home. She'll

00:17:21.140 --> 00:17:28.539
catch cold in the night air. You've got to pay

00:17:28.539 --> 00:17:31.059
the tax. What tax? The government tax. You've

00:17:31.059 --> 00:17:32.700
heard of the government? Heard of it. I declare

00:17:32.700 --> 00:17:43.500
it as a dependent. Oh, go on. Give him the money.

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All right. Here you are. Hey, tell me, buddy,

00:17:46.319 --> 00:17:48.099
how long has it been since you spent a buck?

00:17:48.400 --> 00:17:50.700
Why? Look at this picture of George Washington.

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Every dollar bill has a picture of George Washington.

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Not naked on a bearskin rug. Come on, Bob. Let's

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go in and get a seat before we have any more

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trouble. That's right, Jane. Excuse me, Mr. Hope.

00:18:10.180 --> 00:18:12.559
Oh, yes, madam. I was hoping I'd catch you out

00:18:12.559 --> 00:18:26.680
here. Would you autograph my heating pad? What?

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I'm a member of the press. I'm the movie critic

00:18:30.460 --> 00:18:35.240
for the Death Valley Times. Well, I never heard

00:18:35.240 --> 00:18:37.380
of that paper. Do you have any circulation? Not

00:18:37.380 --> 00:18:40.279
too much. That's why I'm wearing a heating pad.

00:18:45.700 --> 00:18:48.079
Well, if you're a critic, tell me, did you review

00:18:48.079 --> 00:18:51.000
my last performance? Well, I tried. What do you

00:18:51.000 --> 00:18:53.779
mean, you tried? Well, it's been ten years since

00:18:53.779 --> 00:18:58.619
I last wrote obituaries. I'm just a little rusty.

00:18:59.470 --> 00:19:01.970
If you want to play balls, then I can guarantee

00:19:01.970 --> 00:19:04.750
you a good review. Well, how's that? Just buy

00:19:04.750 --> 00:19:07.789
$500 worth of ads in the paper. Well, that wouldn't

00:19:07.789 --> 00:19:10.890
be honest. Oh, no, I'm disappointed. I went to

00:19:10.890 --> 00:19:13.490
a lot of trouble getting here. I had a very rough

00:19:13.490 --> 00:19:17.329
trip. You did? Yes, I blew a gasket on my motorcycle.

00:19:21.789 --> 00:19:23.990
Well, tell me, isn't riding a motorcycle pretty

00:19:23.990 --> 00:19:26.950
strenuous for a woman your age? Oh, no. Mother

00:19:26.950 --> 00:19:38.460
and I took turns driving. I'm sorry, but I'm

00:19:38.460 --> 00:19:40.380
not going to buy a good review with an ad in

00:19:40.380 --> 00:19:43.220
your paper. Oh gee, I got all dressed up special.

00:19:43.500 --> 00:19:46.000
I thought I could vamp you into it. That is a

00:19:46.000 --> 00:19:48.759
nice dress. You don't think it's too daring?

00:19:49.220 --> 00:19:51.740
Well, a little. I can see your lumberjacket right

00:19:51.740 --> 00:20:00.680
through it. As long as the suspenders don't show.

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Look, it's getting late. Sure you don't want

00:20:05.039 --> 00:20:06.819
to buy some air. No, but I'll buy you a ticket

00:20:06.819 --> 00:20:08.559
and I'm sure you'll give it a good review without

00:20:08.559 --> 00:20:19.980
a bribe. Okay, but I doubt it. Gosh, it's dark

00:20:19.980 --> 00:20:22.200
here in the theater. I'd better try and find

00:20:22.200 --> 00:20:25.500
Jane. Oh, that looks like her over there. Excuse

00:20:25.500 --> 00:20:29.359
me, please. Excuse me. Excuse me, excuse me.

00:20:29.880 --> 00:20:33.539
Well, here I am. Gee, Jane. Dark theaters always

00:20:33.539 --> 00:20:36.460
make me feel romantic. You mind if we hold hands?

00:20:37.319 --> 00:20:39.700
There. Do you like to hold hands in the dark?

00:20:39.880 --> 00:20:42.299
I love it sunny, but it ain't gonna get you a

00:20:42.299 --> 00:21:13.279
good review! Is a water sigh when you're standing

00:21:13.279 --> 00:21:17.319
near I get a Humpty Dumpty feeling all I know

00:21:17.319 --> 00:21:21.559
Is a water sigh like I've never sighed before

00:21:21.559 --> 00:21:26.000
Now when you're in love They say you can tell

00:21:26.000 --> 00:21:29.500
You're sick in the heart and you never get well

00:21:29.500 --> 00:21:33.500
Maybe they're right I wish that I knew why I

00:21:33.500 --> 00:21:50.829
feel the way I do I get a tippy -tappy feeling

00:21:50.829 --> 00:21:55.710
All I know is I wanna dance Like I've never danced

00:21:55.710 --> 00:22:00.990
before My head's in a whirl My heart's in a spin

00:22:00.990 --> 00:22:05.490
And if I'm in love, I love what I'm in I don't

00:22:05.490 --> 00:22:09.089
know why I'm feeling this way But the feeling

00:22:09.089 --> 00:22:22.569
feels okay Am I in love? I wanna sing, you smile

00:22:22.569 --> 00:22:27.009
at me I get a kinda ping pong, ding dong, a dizzy

00:22:27.009 --> 00:22:30.970
feeling All I know is I wanna sing like I've

00:22:30.970 --> 00:22:36.589
never sung before My head's in a whirl, my heart's

00:22:36.589 --> 00:22:40.650
in a spin And if I'm in love, I love what I'm

00:22:40.650 --> 00:22:44.609
in I don't know why I'm feeling this way, but

00:22:44.609 --> 00:22:52.410
the feeling The feeling feels okay Now when you're

00:22:52.410 --> 00:22:55.829
in love, they say you can tell You're sick in

00:22:55.829 --> 00:22:59.650
the heart and you never get well So maybe that's

00:22:59.650 --> 00:23:03.130
why I'm feeling this way Cause my heart does

00:23:03.130 --> 00:23:06.089
bumps and the temperature jumps Yes, my hair

00:23:06.089 --> 00:23:30.730
gets blue when I'm thinking of you through the

00:23:30.730 --> 00:23:33.170
worldwide facilities of the United States Armed

00:23:33.170 --> 00:23:34.930
Forces Radio and Television Service.