with Les Brown and his band ever now. Here is
truly, Hi Aberback, our special guest, Jane Russell.
And here he is, Bob Hope. Thank you. Thank you
very much. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
Here we are at Camp Roberts, California for the
men of the Army. And it's always a special personal
thrill to play Camp Roberts. I've played a lot
of Army camps, but this is the only one they
named after me. This camp is located in the heart
of the lettuce country. I haven't seen this much
green since Crosby dropped his wallet. But while
they're in basic training, these guys are supposed
to forget completely about girls. These guys
mustn't even think of girls. In fact, every night
an MP goes through the barracks with a flashlight
and wakes up anyone who's got a smile on his
face. But today the Army offers wonderful educational
opportunities to GIs. No kidding, you can learn
almost any trade or profession right in the Army.
One guy here took a lot of courses and it really
helped him. Now he can write home for money in
seven different languages. Yes sir, you can learn
a lot of things in the army, but where else can
you use those words? But the most popular fellow
in camp is a guy who is studying science, electronics,
and anatomy. His ambition is to build his own
whack. All engineers, huh? Yes, sir, the Army
has improved in lots of ways. For example, they
now have garbage disposals in every mess hall.
They're known as KP's. But there's one Army course
that's really popular. It's called How to Be
a Civilian. General Eisenhower took it, and the
Army also has... But the Army also has a wonderful
athletic program. Only this morning, a guy here
set a New World's record for the 100 -yard dash.
He backed into a bayonet. And they have a few
baseball teams in the base here. They play quite
a game. The officers played the enlisted men
the other day, but it wasn't very fair. The pitcher
was a captain, and every time he threw the ball,
he'd salute the guy at bat. You either struck
out or went to the guardhouse. And during the
game, the pitcher yelled at the umpire, you're
blind as a bat. And the umpire yelled back, tell
it to my draft board. They ran short of pitchers,
but they never should have gotten that guy off
KP. The count was three and two and he peeled
the ball. And one of the things that made such
an enjoyable experience for me was working with
a lovely gal who supplied lots of talent and
all the good looks. And here she is, Miss Jane
Russell, right here. Thank you, everybody, and
thank you, Bob. Isn't that a nice line, huh?
Nice to see you, Jane. Bob, it was nice of you
to invite me here tonight, Bob, but I really
don't know why. What do you mean? Oh, we spend
every day for three months together. How can
you stand the sight of me? Sit down. This may
take a little time. Oh, no, Bob, I don't trust
you. You don't, huh? No. And furthermore, I want
to move out of my dressing room at Paramount.
It's too close to yours. You mean? Yes. I found
out you were digging a tunnel. I didn't think
those gophers would snitch. But you know, Jane,
since you made a second picture with me, I'm
getting a reputation for being quite a screen
lover, you know. I bet you've got all the romantic
leading men in Hollywood worried. You said it.
I keep getting letters from Gregory asking me
how to peck. You know, Bob, now there's... Wait
till I finish selling this joke. I'm sorry. You
know, Bob, now that the picture's finished and
doing so well, I feel kind of silly about not
wanting to do it at first. Well, everybody hesitates
about starting a new picture. I know, but I'll
never forget that day in the producer's office
at Paramount. I know. Ah, you're right on time,
Jane. Have a seat, please. Thank you, Mr. Welch.
Jane, as you know, we'd like you to make another
picture with Bob Hope. How does that strike you?
Well, Bob's a very good actor, but those love
scenes... Well, he never seems to let go. Well,
I'm afraid that that happens with all his leading
ladies, Jane. It does? Yes. You see, when Hope
kisses a girl, his nose gets stuck on their forehead
and suction sets in. As a matter of fact, last
time he kissed Virginia Mayo, we had to separate
them with a razor blade. Now, look, Jane girl,
I know it's an ordeal to make a picture with
Hope, but please don't think of yourself. Think
of me, your old producer. You see, I'm not a
well man. I'm afraid in a little while, I'll
be producing pictures for that big Paramount
studio in the sky. Mr. Welch, you mean you're
going to... Yes, yes. As an economy measure,
the studio has asked me to kill myself. So Jane,
make a condemned man happy and do this picture.
Well, I... Oh, that must be hope. I sent for
him. Now, I'll go get the script for the new
picture and you be nice to him. All right. Come
in. Oh, hi, Jane. haven't seen you in a long
time hello Bob gee you look wonderful Jane so
tan and healthy how do I look to you well turn
around and let me look at you well hmm how things
been otherwise Oh, gee, I thought I looked pretty
good. I've been taking care of myself lately.
Well, look, Bob, I'm not really sure we should
do another picture together. Jane, how can you
say that? Well, since we work together, I've
sort of gone on to a different type of leading
man. You know, I... Huh? So, Bob, I think we'd
better forget the picture because, well, you're
such a great actor. I might hold you back. Oh,
no, Jane, you're a fine actress. One of the most
promising actresses on the screen. Flattery won't
help, Bob. You've never really come through,
but look, Jane, I, uh... Always promises. Look,
Jane... I mean it, if you, uh... Gotta save this
stuff for television, don't we? Look, Jane, I
mean it. If you make this picture, I'll give
you a great big kiss. Threats won't help either.
Now look, Janey, I, uh... Well, I've got the
script for the new picture. Ah, Ja Ja Welsh.
Now look, Mr. Welsh. Jane hasn't made up her
mind yet. She hasn't, eh? Jane, you don't know
what a break this is. Well, I don't like to be
stubborn. Tell me, what's the picture about?
Well, it's about the new rich West. As the first
scene opens, you, Jane, are sitting in your 45
-room ranch house talking to your butler. I beg
your pardon. There's an honorary critter here
to see you, I reckon, madam. He says his name
is Palefus Hope. That's the cowpoke that's made
so much money raising cattle. Well, I didn't
think he made Chanel number five. Howdy, Mr.
J, my little maverick, my sweet little heifer.
I'm gonna hogtie you and put my brand on you.
You know what you're gonna become? Ground round?
No missy, I'm aiming to make you Mrs. Pale first
hope. Now hold on there varmint, I ain't hitching
up with no varmints that ain't just as rich as
I am. But I'm rich, just as more than I bought
five hundred thousand beautiful head of milk
and cows. And no bull? Honey, you know I wouldn't
lie to you. loaded on my ranch I got a hundred
thousand acres of wheat a hundred acres of alfalfa
and a hundred thousand acres are just money you
plant money yeah I'm gonna grow it myself and
cut out the middleman yes ma 'am I'm filthy rich
got most of my money for my parents you did yeah
my mother's rich and my father's filthy so look
here Jane you vomits Cheers, sir. Thank you.
Thank you, Harkins. Tea, Cactus Bob. Thank you,
ma 'am. A lemon? I reckon. Sugar? All right.
Sal -belly? I ain't a hankering for any chow,
man. I want to answer to my proposal and make
it fast. I got the super chief double -parked
outside. All right, pale face, I'll be your bride.
Yippee! Honey, you made me the happiest man in
the West. For our honeymoon, we'll go to my big
rambling ranch in Arizona. It's the biggest ranch
you ever saw. During the day, we'll go horseback
riding in the front yard. And at night, we'll
sit on the backyard and watch the rain come down.
Rain in Arizona? I told you, it was a big ranch.
The backyard's in California. I wrote a little
number for Jane and myself. A little number called
Wing Ding Less. Howdy, stranger. Is there anything
I can do for you? Yeah. Scratch my back. Is that
all? No. One other thing. Let's get a life in
this joint, huh? Okay, stranger, if that's the
way you want it. Hold it, Jeff. Hey, Sam! I'm
singing, tonight I'll do some flinging Time to
start the show I'm laughing, I'm humming Because
I know what's coming Things have been too slow
And now we'll make them go I got the man! how'd
you like it oh fine is there anything I can do
for you yeah scratch my back Russell did finally
agree with Bob Holt they completed the picture
but now let's go back to the night of the preview
of the picture here in Los Angeles Bob was at
home getting dressed for the big event as we
look in we find him shaving well that side looks
good now I'll run down the other side there boy
what a job feels so good gee this is the smoothest
I ever got my legs Now let's see now, I brush
my teeth, comb my hair, put talc on my face,
now what have I forgotten? Oh yes, yes. My eyebrow's
growing so fast. Let's see how I look now. I
wonder if I should try it tonight. No, that's
silly. Oh, why not? What's to lose? I'll try
it just once more. Here goes. Mirror, mirror
on the wall. Who is the fairest of them all?
Stupid mirror. While I'm about ready, I wish
Jane would get here. I should have really picked
her up, but my kids won't let me have the car
tonight. Say, that must be Jane now. Hello, Jane,
come on in. Hi, Bob. You all ready for the preview?
Yeah, just, preview, yes. Hi, Bob. Yeah, I haven't
been to a preview this week. Let's go to the
preview first, then we go to the preview. Hi,
Bob. You ready to leave for the preview? Yeah,
yeah. Yeah, and then we'll go to the preview.
Well, anyway... I'm just about, Jim. Oh, we better
get going. It's almost time. Tickets, please.
Oh, here you are. Oh, wait a minute. These aren't
tickets. They're studio passes. You'll have to
pay a tax on them. But this has never happened
before. We always see the preview free. I'm sorry,
miss. No, you better take your mother home. She'll
catch cold in the night air. You've got to pay
the tax. What tax? The government tax. You've
heard of the government? Heard of it. I declare
it as a dependent. Oh, go on. Give him the money.
All right. Here you are. Hey, tell me, buddy,
how long has it been since you spent a buck?
Why? Look at this picture of George Washington.
Every dollar bill has a picture of George Washington.
Not naked on a bearskin rug. Come on, Bob. Let's
go in and get a seat before we have any more
trouble. That's right, Jane. Excuse me, Mr. Hope.
Oh, yes, madam. I was hoping I'd catch you out
here. Would you autograph my heating pad? What?
I'm a member of the press. I'm the movie critic
for the Death Valley Times. Well, I never heard
of that paper. Do you have any circulation? Not
too much. That's why I'm wearing a heating pad.
Well, if you're a critic, tell me, did you review
my last performance? Well, I tried. What do you
mean, you tried? Well, it's been ten years since
I last wrote obituaries. I'm just a little rusty.
If you want to play balls, then I can guarantee
you a good review. Well, how's that? Just buy
$500 worth of ads in the paper. Well, that wouldn't
be honest. Oh, no, I'm disappointed. I went to
a lot of trouble getting here. I had a very rough
trip. You did? Yes, I blew a gasket on my motorcycle.
Well, tell me, isn't riding a motorcycle pretty
strenuous for a woman your age? Oh, no. Mother
and I took turns driving. I'm sorry, but I'm
not going to buy a good review with an ad in
your paper. Oh gee, I got all dressed up special.
I thought I could vamp you into it. That is a
nice dress. You don't think it's too daring?
Well, a little. I can see your lumberjacket right
through it. As long as the suspenders don't show.
Look, it's getting late. Sure you don't want
to buy some air. No, but I'll buy you a ticket
and I'm sure you'll give it a good review without
a bribe. Okay, but I doubt it. Gosh, it's dark
here in the theater. I'd better try and find
Jane. Oh, that looks like her over there. Excuse
me, please. Excuse me. Excuse me, excuse me.
Well, here I am. Gee, Jane. Dark theaters always
make me feel romantic. You mind if we hold hands?
There. Do you like to hold hands in the dark?
I love it sunny, but it ain't gonna get you a
good review! Is a water sigh when you're standing
near I get a Humpty Dumpty feeling all I know
Is a water sigh like I've never sighed before
Now when you're in love They say you can tell
You're sick in the heart and you never get well
Maybe they're right I wish that I knew why I
feel the way I do I get a tippy -tappy feeling
All I know is I wanna dance Like I've never danced
before My head's in a whirl My heart's in a spin
And if I'm in love, I love what I'm in I don't
know why I'm feeling this way But the feeling
feels okay Am I in love? I wanna sing, you smile
at me I get a kinda ping pong, ding dong, a dizzy
feeling All I know is I wanna sing like I've
never sung before My head's in a whirl, my heart's
in a spin And if I'm in love, I love what I'm
in I don't know why I'm feeling this way, but
the feeling The feeling feels okay Now when you're
in love, they say you can tell You're sick in
the heart and you never get well So maybe that's
why I'm feeling this way Cause my heart does
bumps and the temperature jumps Yes, my hair
gets blue when I'm thinking of you through the
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