S. That's right, folks. C for comedy. A for Abbott.
M for Maxwell. E for Ennis. L for Luke Costello.
Put them all together and they spell camel. Experience
is the best teacher. Try a camel. Let your own
experience tell you why more people are smoking
camels than ever before. And draw up a chair
for tonight's camel show starring Bud Abbott
and Luke Costello. Castello, come here. Castello,
will you come over here, please? Will you listen
to me? What are you writing on that pad? Hey,
Emmett. What are you writing on that pad? I'm
just making out a list of girls I'm gonna kiss
next week. Here's who I got picked out. Lizzie
Schwartz, Maggie Mogelmeyer, Tessie Tinfoil,
Lana Turner. Now, wait a minute. Lana Turner
wouldn't kiss you. Oh, no? Oh, no. Then I'll
scratch her off my list. I love you. You dummy,
always thinking of girls. Girls, girls, girls.
Now great men don't waste their time on girls.
Where do you suppose Benjamin Franklin would
have been if he'd have thought of girls all of
the time? In the front row at Earl Carroll's?
No, no, no. Pastel, I've been telling you for
the past three weeks. You've got to quit chasing
girls and get yourself a job. Look at you. Look
how sloppy you are. Look at your socks. I can't
help my socks, Abbott. It's those new Hickok
plastic garters. What's the matter with them?
Your stock socks stay up, but your legs fall
down. Yeah. Here, boy. Out of the way, fatso.
I'm looking for Luke Costello. Boy, he is Luke
Costello. The famous Luke Costello? The one and
only Luke Costello? That's me. Gee, I listen
to you on the radio every Thursday night. You
break me up when you say, how do you do? Wait
a minute! Wait a minute! That ain't me, that's
the mad Russian. You're saying? Who's gonna take
this telegram? I'll take it. It's collect, $14.
He'll take it. He'll take it. Oh, give it to
me. Here, boy. Hey, Costello, this telegram is
from Joe DiMaggio. Listen to this. Dear Lou,
as you know, I am recovering from a foot operation.
I would appreciate you taking my place on the
New York Yankees until I recover. Please report
to the Yankee Stadium immediately. Signed, Joe
DiMaggio. Hey, that's wonderful. That's the news
I've been waiting for. I'm gonna be a big league
ball player. DiMaggio probably heard about my
playing with the Cucamonga Wildcats last year.
You a ball player? I don't believe it, Costello.
You know nothing about ball. Oh, no. I eat baseball.
I live baseball. All night when I'm asleep, I
dream about baseball. Don't you ever dream about
girls? What? And miss my turn up at bat? Oh!
That's ridiculous. What's the matter with you?
Yes. And another thing, Abbott. What page are
you on? Never mind what page I'm on. Okay? And
another thing, Abbott. Not only that, in Paterson,
New Jersey, I worked out with a baseball team.
I used to stay out till four o 'clock in the
morning. Why did you stay out till four o 'clock
in the morning? This was a girl's baseball team.
If you're gonna play with the New York Yankees,
you really have to know something about big league
baseball, Lou. I know all about baseball. All
right, suppose there's a left -handed pitcher
pitching. What do you do? I put in a right -handed
batter. Now, suppose there's a right -handed
pitcher pitching. I put in a left -handed batter.
But now I trick you. I take out the right -handed
pitcher and put in a left -handed pitcher. Then
I double -cross you. I take out my left -handed
batter and put in a right -handed batter. Now,
wait a minute. Where are you getting all those
right -handed batters? The same place where you're
getting all those left -handed pitchers. Hello,
Bud. Hello, Louis, honey. It's Marilyn Maxwell.
Hello, Marilyn. I've got great news. I'm gonna
play ball with the New York Yankees. I'm taking
you along as a pitcher. Oh, now Costello, Marilyn
Maxwell can't pitch. Oh, no. You should see all
the guys she struck out that were trying to get
the first base. This kid has got some nice curves.
Oh, Lewis, you're so sweet. But I do hope you'll
be careful. You know, big league baseball is
a very dangerous game. Oh, what's dangerous about
baseball, Marilyn? Well, I read in the paper
this morning that in the opening game in Boston,
five players died on base. Marilyn, you don't
seem to know much about baseball. Let me show
you how to play indoor baseball. First I put
my left arm around your waist. Then I snuggle
my head on your shoulder like this. Then I press
my cheek against your cheek. Oh, wait a minute,
Costello. That's not the way to play indoor baseball.
How do you like that? Every season, new rules.
Well, goodbye and good luck, Lewis. I just know
you'll become famous with those New York Yankees.
Marilyn's right, Costello. This is your chance
to become famous. Now, you've got a good job
as a baseball player. And you might find your
proper niche in life. Yes, I might. I mean, after
all, if I find my... What will I find? An itch,
an itch. You'll find your itch. Yeah, but when
I find an itch, I scratch it. What in the world
are you talking about? An itch. I once had the
seven -year itch. What happened? I scratched
real fast and got rid of it in three and a half
years. I'm not talking about that kind of an
itch. I mean an itch in life. An itch in life
is what everyone is looking for. Anyone who is
successful has found an itch. Paul, if that's
the case, I know an air deal that is doing very
well. Listen to me, Costello. When I say an itch,
I don't mean an itch like you have when you have
an itch. I mean an itch like you have when you
have a notch. Oh, you don't mean an itch like
an itch when you have an itch. You mean an itch
like you have when you have a notch. Now you've
got it. Now I've got it. I don't even know what
I'm talking about. Costello, why do you mash
everything up like that? You're the most mixed
up man I ever saw. Well, maybe it's because I
fell on my mother's mix master this morning.
She had it set for mashed potatoes. I know that,
you idiot. All I'm trying to tell you is that
a niche is a notch, catch? Natch. Natch, all
right. Now you know that a niche is a notch.
You know that both of them are the same. Yes.
Now I could have a notch and you could have a
niche. Yes, niche to me and notch to you. I'm
only trying to impress you with the importance
of being a big league ball player and having
a good income. Did you ever draw a nice big fat
salary? No, I never drew a fat celery, but I
once sketched a skinny tomato. No, no, no, no.
Castello, when I say draw, I don't mean draw
like you draw when you draw. All I mean draw
like you draw when you draw a celery. Habit,
let me smell your breath. Mm -hmm, just as I
thought. You've drawn one too many already. Dad,
listen to me, please. When I say you draw a salary,
I mean you draw money. Now he's got me drawing
money. Wait till the FBI finds out about this.
I'll probably draw 20 years in a clink, and they
don't feed you any celery in there either. Castello,
when I say you draw money, I mean you draw like
you draw money to spend it. Not like when you
draw on an easel. That's what I always say. With
money, it's easel come, easel go. Everybody draws
money. I draw money. I've been drawing money
for years. My brother draws money. He's been
drawing money for years. You draw and your brother
draws? Certainly. Just as I thought. You and
your brother are an old pair of drawers. Experience
is the best teacher. It happened shortly after
the end of the war. Two cigarettes glow in the
dusk on the veranda of a country house as a man
and woman are chatting. The woman remarks...
Robert, you've changed your cigarette brand.
This is a Camel. I can tell without even looking.
Yes, I have changed my brand. You know how we
smoked whatever cigarettes we could get during
the war? Don't I? Yes, I must have tried all
the brands during that shortage. That's when
I found I liked Camels best. And weren't you
right? Yes, experience is the best teacher. During
the wartime shortage, people smoked whatever
cigarettes they could get. It was this experience
that taught millions the differences in cigarette
quality. As smokers tried cigarette after cigarette
on their t -zones, that's tea for taste and tea
for throat. It was Camel's rich, full flavor
and cool mildness that stood out from all the
others. The result? Today, more people smoke
camels than ever before. Experience is the best
teacher. Try a camel. And while you light up
a camel, here's Skinny Ennis with Linda. In all
of my dreams I walk with my arms about Linda
But what good does it do me? For Linda doesn't
know I exist Can't help feeling gloomy Think
of all the loving I've missed We pass on the
street My heart skips a beat I say to myself,
hello Linda If only she'd smile I'd stop for
a while And then I would get to know Linda But
miracles still happen And when my lucky star
begins to shine With one lucky break I'll make
Linda mine Pass on the street, my heart skips
a beat I say to myself, hello, Linda If only
she'd smile, I'd stop for a while And then I
would get to know Linda But miracles still happen
And when my lucky star begins to shine With one
lucky break, I'll make Linda mine League ball
player, you've got to get yourself in shape.
Now, from 8 a .m. to 9 a .m., you lift weights.
From 9 to 10, deep knee bends. 10 to 11, skip
rope. 11 to 12, run five miles. 12 to 1, I'll
never make it. I love it. You idiots, you'll
never be a ball player. Staying up late and going
to night clubs, eating rich food, running around
with beautiful girls. Do you know what can happen
to you? Yes, I can become manager of the Brooklyn
Dodgers. I... I don't even know why DiMaggio
picked you. You don't even know how to swing
a bat. I know all about swinging bats. When I
was a kid, my father used to hit me with a baseball
bat. My brother used to hit me with a baseball
bat. My uncle, Artie Stebbins, used to hit me
with a baseball bat. And my mother used to hit
me with a tennis racket. With a tennis racket?
Yes. She didn't like baseball. Hiya, fellas.
Well, well, it's Skinny Ernest. Hey, Costello.
I heard about you taking Joe DiMaggio's place
for the New York Yankees. That's right. You know,
I used to pitch for the Hollywood Stars. And
boy, I'll never forget my last game. There were
five men on base. Oh, no, wait a minute, Skinny,
wait a minute. Five men on base. Now that's impossible.
Did you ever see the Hollywood stars play? Annis,
I've seen the Hollywood stars and I don't remember
you. Oh, I've changed a lot since then. Had the
biggest buck teeth he ever saw. I was the only
man on the team that could slide in a second
base and spike you from either end. Well, so
long fatso. Slow, Skinny, slow. Hey, you know
that skinny would make an ugly skeleton? All
right. Coachella, don't waste time with him.
Now, you've got to get ready for the opening
game. Yes, I think we're going to play the Cleveland
Indians. Cleveland Indians, eh? Uh -huh. Feller
pitching? Certainly there's a feller pitching.
Who'd think they'd use a girl? Oh, I know they
don't use a girl. I said feller pitching. What
feller? Feller with the Cleveland Indians. Look,
Abbott, there's nine guys on the Cleveland team.
Now, which feller are you talking about? Feller
that pitches. There is only one feller with Cleveland.
You mean nine Yankees are gonna play against
one feller? That's right. You mean there's no
fellers in the outfield? No. And there's no fellers
in the infield? No. Cleveland only has one feller.
Well, this feller must be pretty good if he don't
need any other players but himself. Look, all
the players will be out there helping him. You
just said there was only one feller on the team.
That's right. Then where did all them other fellers
come from? Oh, you idiot. When I say there's
only one feller on the team, I mean there is
only one feller that pitches. Well, Abbott, when
the manager of the team wants this pitcher, what
does he call him? Feller. You mean he just hollers,
hey, feller. And this guy knows that they mean
him. That's right. His name is feller, feller,
Bob feller. And when I say there is only one
feller on the team that pitches, that's it. And
the feller that pitches is feller. There's only
the other fellers on the team, but there's only
one feller. Boy, are you mixed up. Oh, you mean
the feller that pitches. It's filler. And there's
other fillers on the team, but they're not fillers?
Now you grasp it. Yes, I grasp it, but it keeps
slipping out of my hand. Oh forget it. Let's
go into this sporting goods store and get your
baseball equipment. I want you to look right
for the opening game. Now go ahead and ask that
lady there where they keep the baseball uniforms.
Pardon me, Miss. Well, if it isn't Mr. Aubitt.
Hello. And Mr. Costello. Hello. You fought little
Mon -you. What are you doing? I'm a sporting
goods store, miss. Oh, I just stopped in to get
a gift for my nephew. I'm buying him a Boz -ball.
Boz -ball? Abbott, you know what a Boz -ball
is? That's what the poochers throw to the coochers.
And the booter tries to boot a home rune. My
nephew is just a little chump, but his ambition
is to be a Brooklyn doger, carcher. Well, if
he's only a little guy, why don't he join the
deep -troot tukers and be a short stoop? Well,
I must be going. As we say in Chinese, geesh
-a gooey hop -toey, I'm push -hop -toey -oo.
And a dish of gooey chop -soey and a push for
you too! As Johnny Weissmuller said to Buster
Crabb, what dive did you come out of? Well, my
friend and I are here to get some baseball equipment.
I'd like to see a baseball uniform that would
fit Costello. So would I. Look, as Adam said
to Eve, quit ribbing me. However, I'll do the
best I can. We'll start with the spiked shoes.
What size do you wear? Eight. Oh, let me see.
I've only got one pair left and they're size
five. Maybe you can squeeze into them, Costello.
Go ahead and try, okay? What do you know? Open
-toed baseball shoes. Now for the uniform. My,
you're certainly a pudgy little rascal, aren't
you? Aren't you overweight? I'm about 120 pounds
overweight, but I'm going back to my normal weight.
What's normal? 60 pounds overweight. Costello,
you should really go on a diet. Yeah, of course
you know what a diet is, don't you? Oh, sure.
That's where you can eat all you want of everything
you don't like. Young man, if you really want
to reduce, why don't you exercise with a couple
of dumbbells? Okay, I'm ready whenever you want
to have it. All right. Cut that out. We've got
to get your baseball equipment. Mister, do you
have any bats? Oh, certainly. Here's a fine bat,
autographed by Slaughter of the Cardinals. This
bat was made for slaughter. Ain't you got one
that was made for baseball? When he says slaughter,
he means slaughter the baseball player. Slaughter
the baseball player? Well, that bet you could
slaughter anybody. No, no, Costello. I'm talking
about slaughter. Everybody knows slaughter. He
knows slaughter. Well, maybe he knows slaughter,
but I don't know. Now, you idiot, everybody knows
slaughter the baseball player. Slaughter is the
man's last name. What's his first name? Enos.
Now, there's the clever guy. Enos his first name.
Oh, what? Let's forget about the bat. Look, mister,
do you have a baseball cap that will fit Costello's
head? What size pencil sharpener does he wear?
Oh, a baseball cap! Oh, yes, he has a dandy.
This is the kind Feller wear. What Feller? The
Feller with the Cleveland Indians. There's nine
players with the Cleveland Indians. Which Feller
are you talking about? Oh, young man, when I
say Feller with the Cleveland Indians, I am only
referring to one Feller. The Feller that pictures
with the Cleveland Indians. When you say the
Feller with the Cleveland Indians, you're only
referring to one Feller. The Feller that pictures
for the Cleveland Indians. Yeah. As Orville said
to Wilbur, you're right. How do you like that?
Now they're doing our routines in sporting goods
stores. Oh, forget about him, Custer. Hey, wait
a minute. I've got an idea. Mrs. Wetwash's late
husband used to be a big league ballplayer. Now,
he was a home run king in other words. Now, maybe
she'll give you one of his bats for good luck.
Let's go over to her house and ask her. Oh, okay.
I'll go right over now, huh? You're right, Abbott.
As John Adams said to Henry Wadsworth Longfellow...
How do you like that? I forgot what John Adams
said to Henry in Watchword 1. Well, good morning,
Mrs. Wetwash. Oh, hello, Mr. Abbott. Oh, my,
you know you ought to muzzle that St. Bernard
dog. Oh, pardon me, it's Costello. Tell me, Costello,
how are things in Gawker, moron? Mrs. Wetwash,
I wish you hadn't said that. I was just telling
Abbott, your face reminds me of a rose. Oh, really?
An American beauty rose? No. A rhinoceros. Okay,
set up, Costella. Mrs. Wetwash, Costella's leaving
for New York to join Joe DiMaggio's play. Take
Joe's place. Isn't that wonderful? He's going
to play with the Yanks. Oh, I can't believe it.
Yes. What do those big Yanks mom with the little
jerk like him? Mrs. Wetwash, that was an insult.
I'll have you know that beautiful women find
me irresistible. I don't... I don't find you
irresistible. And I don't find you beautiful.
Quiet, Costella. Ask her for those baseball bats
her husband left her. Okay. Mrs. Whitwash, I
understand when your husband was alive, he had
a lot of old bats. That's a lie. He never went
out with anybody but me. No, no, no. No, no,
no, Mrs. Whitwash. Costella means your husband's
baseball bats. You see, he thought you might
give him one of those. Yes. That's right, Mrs.
Whitwash. You see, I need a good bat. Oh, you
need a good bat. I'll be glad to help you out.
Can I have the bat right now? Right now. Maryland
Maxwell from Metro Golden Mare, producers of
The Sea of Grass. For camel fans everywhere in
honor of New Orleans Jazz Week, Maryland sings
for the first time on the air the title song
of the picture, New Orleans. Do you know what
it means to miss New Orleans and miss it each
night? More doctors smoke Camels than any other
cigarette. Three leading independent research
organizations asked this question of 113 ,597
doctors. What cigarette do you smoke, doctor?
The brand name most was Camel. Now you probably
enjoy rich, full flavor and cool mildness in
a cigarette just as much as doctors do. And that's
why if you're not a Camel smoker now, try a Camel
on your T -zone. That's tea for taste and tea
for throat. Your true proving ground for any
cigarette. See if Camel's rich flavor of superbly
blended choice tobaccos isn't extra delightful
to your taste. See if Camel's cool mildness isn't
in harmony with your throat. See if you too don't
say Camel's suit my T -zone to a T. Well, Costello,
I'm going to New York with you. You know, Bucky
Harris, the Yanks manager gave me a job as coach
for as long as you're on the team. Look, have
it. If you're the coach, you must know all the
players I certainly do Well, you know, I never
met the guys so you'll have to tell me their
names and then I'll know who's playing on the
team Oh, I'll tell you their names but you know,
strange it may seem they give these ballplayers
nowadays very peculiar names You mean funny names?
Strange names, pet names like Dizzy Dean His
brother Daffy Daffy Dean And their French cousin
French? Gouffey Gouffey Dean, oh, I see Well,
let's see, we have on the bags we have who's
on first, what's on second I don't know who's
on third That's what I want to find out I say
who's on first, what's on second I don't know
who's on third Are you the manager? Yes You're
gonna be the coach too? Yes And you know the
fellow's names? Oh, I should Well then, who's
on first? Yes I mean, the fellow's name. Who?
The guy on first. Who? The first baseman. Who?
The guy playing first. Who is on first? I'm asking
you. Who's on first? That's the man's name. That's
whose name? Yes. Well, go ahead and tell me.
That's it. That's who? Yes. Look, you got a first
baseman. Certainly. Who's playing first? That's
right. When you pay off the first baseman every
month, who gets the money? Every dollar of it.
All I'm trying to find out is the fellow's name
on first base. Who? The guy that gets the money.
That's it. Who gets the money on first base?
He does. Every dollar. Sometimes his wife comes
down and collects it. Who's what? Yes. What's
wrong with that? Look, all I wanna know is when
you sign up the first baseman, how does he sign
his name to the contract? Who? The guy. Who?
How does he sign his name to the contract? That's
how he signs it. Who? Yes. All I'm trying to
find out is what's the guy's name on first base?
No, what is on second base? I'm not asking you
who's on second. Who's on first? One baseman
at a time. Well, that'll change the play as well.
I'm not changing nobody. Take it easy, buddy.
I'm only asking you, who's the guy on first base?
That's right. Okay. All right. What's the guy's
name on first base? No, what is on second? I'm
not asking you who's on second. Who's on first?
I don't know. Oh, he's on third. We're not talking
about him. No, let's forget about him. Now, how
did I get on third base? Why, you mentioned his
name. If I mentioned a third baseman's name,
who did I say is playing third? No, who's playing
first? What's on first? What's on second? I don't
know. He's on third. There I go, back on third
again. What, will you stay on third base and
don't go off it? All right, I don't even know.
Now, who's playing third base? Why do you insist
on putting who on third base? What am I putting
on third? What is on second? You don't want who
on second? Who is on first? I don't know. Third
base! Look, you got outfield? Sure. The left
fielder's name. Why? I just thought I'd ask.
Well, I just thought I'd tell you. Then tell
me who's playing left field. Who is playing first?
I'm not! Stay out of the infield! What's the
guy's name in left field? No, what is on second?
I'm not asking you who's on second. Who's on
first? I don't know. Third base. Third base.
And the left fielder's name? Why? Because. Oh,
he's center field. Look, look, look. You got
a pitcher on the team. Sure. The pitcher's name.
Tamara. You don't want to tell me today? I'm
telling you now. Go ahead. Tamara. What time?
What time what? What time tomorrow, you're going
to tell me who's pitching. Now listen, who is
not pitching? I'll break your arm. When you say
who's on first, I wanna know what's the pitcher's
name? What's on second? I don't know, third base.
Had a catcher? Certainly. The catcher's name.
Today. Today. And Tamar's pitching. Now you've
got it. All we got is a couple of days on the
left. You know, I'm a catcher too. So they tell
you. I can be behind the plate and do some fancy
catching. Tamar's pitching on my team and the
heavy hitter gets up. Yes. Now, the heavy hitter
bunched the ball. When he bunched the ball, me
being a good catcher, I'm gonna throw the guy
out of first base, so I pick up the ball and
throw it to who? Now that's the first thing you've
said right. I don't even know what I'm talking
about. That's all you have to do. Is to throw
the ball off first base. Yes. Now who's got it?
Naturally. Well first base somebody's gotta get
it. Now who hasn't? Naturally. Who? Naturally.
Naturally? Naturally. So I pick up the ball and
I throw it to natural. No you don't. You throw
the ball to who? Naturally. That's different.
That's what I said. You're not saying that. I
throw the ball to naturally. You throw it to
who? Naturally. That's it. That's what I said.
That's it. You asked me. I throw the ball to
who? Naturally. Now you asked me. You throw the
ball to who? Naturally. That's it. Same as you!
Don't change it around. Same as you! I throw
the ball to who? Whoever it is drops the ball
and the guy runs the second. Who picks up the
ball and throws it to what? What throws it to
I don't know? I don't know, throws it back to
tomorrow? Triple play. Another guy gets up and
it's a long fly ball to be caused. Why? I don't
know. He's on third and I don't give a darn.
I said I don't give a darn. Oh, that's our shortstop.
During the war, the makers of camel cigarettes
sent a total of more than 150 million free camels
to our fighting men overseas. Now free camels
are sent to servicemen's hospitals instead. This
week, the camels go to Veterans Hospital Fort
Lyon, Colorado, U .S. AAF Station Hospital Davis
-Monthan Field, Tucson, Arizona, U .S. Naval
Hospital Quantico, Virginia, U .S. Marine Hospital
Baltimore, Maryland, and Veterans Hospital Palo
Alto, California. Camel broadcasts go out to
the United States three times a week. are rebroadcast
to practically every area in the world where
men are still stationed and to our good neighbors
in Central and South America. And now back to
Bud Abbott and Lou Costello. What is that, Lou,
you've got your hand there? Another telegram?
Hey Abbott, look, I just got a telegram from
Joe DiMaggio. Well, go ahead and read it. Okay.
Dear Lou, just heard your show. I think you have
the makings of the world's greatest natural ball
player. You have spiked teeth, a club head, and
you've been off your base for years. Good night,
folks. Good night, everybody. And a special good
night to Joe DiMaggio. Get well quick, Joe. Listen
to Abbot and Costello again next Thursday night
when Costello is going to build himself a new
prefabricated house. You can imagine the trouble
you'll get into. I don't know whether it'll be
a one story house or a two story house, but anyway,
that's another story. Prince Albert, Pipe Appeal.
They're one and the same thing. Any tobacco burns,
makes smoke, but where else can you find the
tobacco that has the Pipe Appeal of Prince Albert?
The coolness, mildness, the rich, full flavor.
Prince Albert is specially treated to ensure
against tongue bite. Crimped cut to smoke slow
and cool. So pack your pipe with mellow, rich
P .A. Enjoy Pipe Appeal with Prince Albert. And
while we're speaking of enjoying yourself, be
sure to tune in on Grand Ole Opry on NBC Saturday
night. You all know and love the songs of America.
but this week you have something extra special
in store for you. Red Foley and his Gus, Ernest
Tubb and Roy Acuff. Grand Ole Opry, Saturday
night on NBC. Be sure to tune in next week for
another great Abbott & Costello show brought
to you by Camel Cigarettes. And remember, experience
is the best teacher. Try a camel. Let your own
experience tell you why more people are smoking
camels than ever before. C -A -M -E -L -S. evident
Costello's famous baseball routine who's on first
is now available at phonograph records this is
Michael Roy and Hollywood wishing you all a pleasant
good night for camel