The Avid and Costello program brought to you
by Camel, the cigarette of costlier, properly
aged tobaccos. See if your throat and your taste
don't make Camel the first with you too. Find
out for yourself. Listen to the great rhythms
of Will Osborne and his orchestra, the swingy
singing of Connie Hayes. And that sawed -off,
stubby, over -stuffed little statesman who, when
invited to San Francisco for the United Nations
Security Conference, proudly said, Hey, up! Castella,
Castella, Castella, calm yourself. Why are you
so excited? Hey, Abbott, I think the war is over.
Oh, that's silly. What makes you think the war
is over? I just heard the lady next door talking
back to her maid. Oh. Well, never mind that.
Yes, look. Never mind that, Lou, look. You know,
we've got to drive out to the 8th of the bar
ranch to see the Andrew sisters about the coming
show next week. Yeah. Now, did you borrow Ken
Niles' car? Oh yeah, I borrowed it just like
you told me. Well, that's swell. But I had a
terrible accident at it. What do you mean? I
upset it. I got to turn it over right away or
Ken Niles' wife won't like it. Well, we can do
that when we come back from the Andrew Sisters'
ranch. No, I got to turn the car over now or
Mrs. Niles is going to be mad. I'll explain it
to Mrs. Niles. Where is she? She's under the
car. She... She's under the car? Is she in a
coma? No, she's wearing her evening gown. Oh.
Well, then let's get Ken Niles to help us lift
the car. Oh, Ken is in a good spot to help us.
Fine. Where is he? He's under the car too. For
goodness sakes, how did this accident happen?
I bumped into one of the car rabbit. Boy, that
driver was mad at me He said, for two cents,
I'd punch in the nose And what happened? He ran
up a bill of eight dollars You were silly to
argue with the driver Why didn't you call a policeman?
I didn't have to I hit one You hit a policeman?
I hit a policeman You hit a policeman in uniform?
Nope, I hit him in the nose Oh, this is liable
to spoil our whole trip to the Andrews Sisters
ranch Did the cop recognize you? Yep Could he
swear to you? Yep And I sweared right back at
him I said, oh... Oh, you David Copperfield,
you tale of two cities, you Oliver Twist. What
did you say that for? I was giving him the dickens.
That's... Ah, this is a fine thing. Now I have
to straighten you out with that policeman. Where
is he? He's under the car, too. What are they
all doing under the car? Have you looked for
an apartment lately? Uh -oh, uh -oh, here comes
Mr. and Mrs. Niles. Better beat it, Costello.
fat -headed, slabby, car -flipping fool! Do you
realize you left me out there under the car holding
up my rumble seat? Don't stand there like an
idiot! What have you got to say? Good morning,
Mrs. Niles. Oh, good morning me! Good night,
Mrs. Niles. That day went fast, didn't it? No.
Costello, why did you leave Mrs. Niles under
the back seat of her car? Well, isn't that where
they always keep the crank? Well, all right.
Just a minute now, you worm. Don't you... Please.
Go ahead, go ahead. Pull me out, kid. All right.
You're supposed to... Don't you try to wiggle
out of this. What about me? Look at my suit.
I'm a mess. Niles, without looking at your suit,
you're a mess. But look at the spots all over
my suit. Well, throw away the suit and wear the
spots. Oh Costello, I've had enough. We're going
out to get the policeman and sue you for damages.
Damages? But Mrs. Niles, did you get hurt? Did
I get hurt? I have a big scratch on my crazy
bone. Put your hat on and nobody will notice
it. Oh, come Kenneth. Hey, come on, have a think
fast. I gotta get out of here before they come
back with the cop. Oh, you can cause more trouble.
We were going to the eights of the bar ranch
to ask the Andrew sisters to appear on our show
next week. And you wrecked the car we were going
to use. Well, now we'll have to rent a car. Well,
let's get another car. We'll have to. Well, where
can we get one? Now you drive. Me drive? No,
you drive. I said I drive. You don't drive it,
I drive it. Drive what? A you drive. Why should
I drive when you wanna drive? I'm going to drive.
Look, Costello, I'm renting a you drive and I
drive it. Oh, then we both drive it. No, we do
nothing of the kind. I drive. When I say you
drive, I don't mean you drive. I mean that I
drive, although it's a you drive. When you say
you drive, you don't mean me drive? No. You mean
you drive because I don't drive? Now you've got
it. Now I, I don't even know - That's what I'm
talking about! Now look, Abbot, you go to a place
and you're gonna rent a car. Yes. You are driving
the car? Yes. Where am I sitting? You are sitting
right next to me. Is there a steering wheel in
front of me? No. And you're positive that I am
not driving? I'm positive. And you are driving
the car? Yes. All right, what kind of a car are
you driving? You drive. Somebody better be driving!
No, no, no, look, please. I'm trying to explain
this. We go and rent a car. Right, now where
are we gonna get it? You drive company. Now I
drive company. I thought we were going alone.
You don't understand. It hurts you drive. Well,
if it hurts, you drive. That is right. That's
right. This is getting worse. Don't you see?
The head of the company's hurts. That's too bad.
What hurts him? Nothing hurts him. Look, every
company... has to have a head. Naturally. Now,
this company's heads hurts. Oh, why don't we
take an aspirin? Listen. It's hurts you drive
all over the country. Well, if it hurts to drive
all over the country, why should I drive and
get hurt? You don't get hurt. I'm not gonna get
hurt. You don't get hurt, Castle. And nobody's
gonna hurt for me. That's right, you're not gonna
get hurt. I'm not fool to get hurt. You're not
going to get hurt. It's the hurts company. Oh,
the hurts company. All right, look at it. I don't
wanna hurt nobody. Will you listen to me, please?
The man's name is... Look, no, please. Now look,
take it easy. The man's name is Hertz. He rents
cars. U Drive. It's the U Drive all over the
country. You drive all over the country! Yeah!
Not with that OPA, brother! What are you talking
about? That's why I can't go! OPA! What do you
mean, OPA? Only... Ramel presents Will Osburn
with the arrangement of one of your favorites.
My dreams are getting better all the time. Captain
and Costello are driving their rented car over
the desert to the Andrews Sisters Ranch. We find
them on the road, their motor merrily hammering
away as they head for the ranch. Let's listen
to these hammerheads. Well, Costello, no matter
how you drive, the pedestrians always manage
to get across the road somehow. Yeah, sneaky
devils, ain't they? I wish I was a truck driver.
Why do you want to be a truck driver? Oh, they
run into so many interesting people. Castella,
you're a dope. Hey. Huh? Hey. Castella. Castella!
There's something wrong. What's wrong here? What's
wrong with this? What's the matter with this
car? Out of gas. Hello. Hello, fellas. Have an
accident? No, thanks. We just had one. Quiet,
Castellus. Hey, mister. Could you pull us to
the nearest town? Nope, but the horse can. It's
10 miles to Palm Springs. I'll tow you there
for $30. Here, just hook the rope on. Okay? Here
we go. a horse's horse. You know, Costella, that
guy is a gyp. Imagine charging us $30 to pull
us 10 miles. Don't worry, Evan. I'm getting even
with him. How? I got our brakes on. Okay, Costella,
here's the hotel. I'll ring for the clerk. Oh,
clerk! Oh, church! Clerk! Oh, church! Just a
moment, please. This is a very high class hotel
and I'll have you understand I'm not a jerk.
You're not even a vibration. Costello, will you
act like a gentleman, please? Hey, clerk, we'd
like a room. All I have left is the bridal chamber.
Do you want that, Mr. Abbott? I do. Do you want
it, Mr. Costello? I do. I now pronounce you room
and bath. Five dollars. Mr. Clark, just a minute.
You don't understand. We were here on our way
to the 8th of the Ball Ranch and our car broke
down. We're going to see the Andrew Sisters.
Ah, yes, the Andrew Sisters. They are so sweet.
Every time I see them, I want to kiss them. My
mind says no, my heart says yes. And what do
you hear from your liver? Well, Mr. Costello,
if you'll just sign the register, I'll have the
boy show you to your suite. My what? Your suite,
your suite. You're cute too. I like... Come on,
Clark, what about our rooms? All right, Mr. Costello,
it's on the 10th floor. Here's the key, 10 -06.
Now get going. Okay, I'll see you later. Okay.
Wrong! All right. Wrong! All right! I know you
are. Now listen, Clark, we want to get up early.
We're going to the... Hey, wait a minute, 10th
floor? 10th floor? Wait a minute, you sent Costello
to the 10th floor. There's only one floor in
this hotel. You haven't got a 10th floor. Good
heavens, man, you're right! Oh, this is serious.
Oh, Mr. Costello, there's no 10th... Now Stella,
speak to me, are you all right? What can I do
for you? Send a boy up for my bags. Hey, come
on Abba, let's get out of this place. I have
never been so humidity in all my life. Humidity?
Yes, he humiditied me. Humidity means damp. Well,
let's get out of this damp hotel. Banana? Yeah,
look. Look, you can't check out. You just checked
in. Oh, it's the gypsy and me. Oh, shut up. You're
going right to bed. Now, we've got to see the
Andrews sisters in the morning. Oh, here's our
room. Come on. Oh, I wonder who that can be.
Nobody knows we're in town. I'll take it. Go
ahead. Hello. Yes, this is Lou Costello. No,
no, I'm sorry. I'd like to, but I just can't.
No, no, I won't tell you. Who was that? Boulevard.
They wanted to know what time it was. You're
crazy. Now get to bed. Come on, hurry up. We've
got to get up early, you understand? To get to
the ranch. What's this? Pardon me, boys. I'm
the chambermaid. I heard you two clowns had checked
in. I thought you might like to hear a funny
story. How about it, Abbott? This chambermaid
might have something. We could use a good joke.
We haven't had one on three pages. All right,
go ahead. Well... Did you ever hear the story
about the double band? Nope. I just made it.
Oh, this kid is gonna lay eight! Oh, how dare
you! I've never been so humiliated in my life!
Now, you see, Addit? She said the same thing,
humidity. She thinks it's a damp hotel too. Oh,
dampness has nothing to do with it. She said
humiliate. Conjugate it from the Latin, humilius.
Humiliate. Humili -ium. I humiliate. She humiliates.
They humiliate. Now, do you understand? Yes,
sir. Everybody in the joint is damp. No, no,
no, no. Say, miss, if you're so smart, maybe
you could tell me something. Our car broke down
and we got to get to the Andrews Sisters Ranch.
Now, how can we get there? On a jackass. Did
you ever ride a jackass? No. Then you better
get on to yourself. Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!
Hmm. How do you like that? That's a very funny
joke. If you ask me, then I'll ask me. I think
it's a funny joke. I think I'll try that one
on Abbott. Hey, Abbott! Yes? Did you ever ride
a jackass? No. Then hop on my back! Okay. Out
of 50 pounds of seawater comes one single precious
ounce of magnesium, that miracle metal for airplanes.
Sort of a parallel to the job of getting the
precious tobacco for camel cigarettes. You see,
oceans of leaf tobacco are produced in the United
States each year, about a billion and a half
pounds. But only a fraction of this enormous
production is good enough for camels. Then those
choicer, costlier tobaccos are properly aged
and blended in the time -honored camel way. Why,
camels just wouldn't be camels if they were made
of green, insufficiently cured tobaccos. So ask
for camels when you buy cigarettes. Their full,
rich flavor and cool mildness make them worth
asking for every time. C -A -M -E -L -S Camels.
War or peace, camels are still camels. Lovely
Connie Hain sings for her camel fans, one of
the most popular songs of the day. I'm beginning
to see the light. I never cared much for moonlit
skies I never went back at fireflies But now
that the stars are in your eyes I'm beginning
to see the light I never went in for afterglow
A candlelight on the mistletoe But now when you
turn the lamp down I'm beginning to see the light.
Used to ramble through the park. Shadow boxing
in the dark. Then you came and caught the spark.
That's a four alarm fire now. I never made love
by lantern shine. I never saw rainbows. But now
that your lips are burning mine, I'm beginning
to see the light. Used to ramble through the
park, shadow boxing in the dark. Then you came
and caused the sparks, and the ball on fire now.
I never saw rainbows in my wine, but now that
your lips are burning mine, I'm beginning...
We've got to check out of this hotel and find
the Andrews Sisters ranch. Gee Abbott, I hate
to leave this lovely hotel room. I know. But
I can't get it into my suitcase. What do you
mean? My suitcase is full of towels. Costello!
I'm surprised at you, stealing towels from a
hotel. What could be smaller? Wash rags. Now!
Come in. Pardon this unwarranted intrusion, gentlemen,
but I'm looking for Abbott and Costello. Oh,
that's Abbott over there and I'm Costello. You?
No, no, it couldn't be. I'm sure, sir. I'm sure
that Luke Costello does not look like a sawed
-off, pot -bellied, imbecilic, flea -bitten bum.
Oh, yeah? You wanna bet? What did I say? Just
a minute, neighbor. Who are you, anyway? Oh,
pardon me. My name is Melon Head. I'm sorry.
Well, with that head, you should be sorry. Look
at that scalp, Abbott. His forehead goes all
the way back to Santa Monica. Just a minute,
Costello. I resent your remarks. I have plenty
of hair. I mean on your head and foot in your
shirt. Costello, Costello, before you insult
this man anymore, please. Before you insult him,
let's find out what he wants. Go ahead. Find
out what he wants. Well, go ahead. All right,
melonhead. Tell us what you want so I can insult
you again. Gentlemen, I'm a theatrical agent
specializing in television. Here's my card. Hey,
there's nothing on the card. Well, television
isn't here yet. Now, let's get down to business,
Costello. Let's get down to business. I understand
you boys are here to engage the Andrews sisters
to appear on your radio show. That's right. Now,
Mr. Costello, if I could save you a lot of money.
Look, if you found $14 ,987 .50 in your pocket,
what would you think? I'd think I'd had on somebody
else's pants. Oh, no, no, no. Now, gentlemen,
my proposition is very simple. The Andrews sisters
would cost you $15 ,000, but I happen to represent
the original Andrews Brothers. The Andrews Brothers?
Who are they? A great act. And the Andrews Brothers.
The Andrews Brothers will only cost you $12 .50.
Do you know what that means? Yes, that means
they must be lousy. Will you shut up, Castello?
Mr. Melonhead, how can you afford to sell the
Andrews Brothers so cheap? Oh, I was caught by
the price ceiling. Uh, you see, think of it,
boys. The three Andrews brothers for $12, and
that's less than $5 a brother. Where can you
buy brothers cheaper than that? I can buy the
Smith brothers for a nickel. All right, Costello.
Stop, stop. And they got more hair as a beard
than you got on your head. Yeah, all right. Can
you stop quibbling with Mr. Melonhead? Well...
I mean, he quibbled on me first. Well, so what?
I mean, after all, I don't go around quibbling
on anybody unless they quibble on me first. All
right, we'll forget about it. I got a good mind
to let them have it some more. I'll quibble them
with both barrels. Now, never mind the quibbling.
I guarantee I can quibble further than he can.
All right, we do want more quibbling. Quiet.
We might as well stop right here. We ain't got
no place for it. All right, Mr. Mellonhead. Yeah?
When can we hear the Andrews brothers? When you
can hear them right now. All right. Come in,
boys, and sing for Rabbit and Costello. Well,
Costello, what do you think of the three Andrews
brothers? Well, they could be worse. How could
they be worse? There could be four of them. Now,
wait a minute, Costello. Let's not pass judgment
until we hear the boys sing something else. Do
you boys know Apple Blossom Time? Do they? Of
course they, boys! Go ahead, hit it. Sing the
medley. like apple cider time. I'll be with you
and change your name to mine. They'll have to
change more than their names if they want to
get on this program. Hit it, Roy! Will you be
quiet? I mean, you and I... Ah, Deborah! I wondered
what happened to that guy. I mean, that's not
funny. That guy not only rolled out the barrel,
he emptied it. All right, all right. Well, Abbott
and Costello, didn't I tell you the Andrews brothers
were out of this world? They ain't out far enough.
Let's not quibble, Costello. Look, where can
you find a better bargain than these three wonderful
singers? Think of it. Three brothers for $12
.50. Now, why that, you cost that much for three
goats. Yeah, but look at the difference. Nothing
doing, nothing doing, Melonhead. Your prices
are too high. Too high, Costello? Before I'll
sell the Andrews brothers for less than $12 .50,
I'll drown myself. Okay, you asked for it. Put
that salsa bottle down. Hey! Stella will be back
for candle cigarettes in just a moment. Thanks
to the angst of the week, tonight we salute Lieutenant
John Battenfield Mitchell of Brentwood, Pennsylvania,
engineer with the 9th Armored Division who risked
his life to disconnect wiring from the explosives
which would have blown up the Ray Morgan bridge
over the Rhine in just 10 more minutes. His action
made possible the tank dash to the Rhine's eastern
bank. In your honor, Lieutenant Mitchell, the
makers of camels are sending to our fighters
overseas 500 ,000 camel cigarettes. Here are
Bud Abbott and Lou Costello with the final word.
Well, Costello, what have you planned to do next
week with the Andrews sisters? I'm going to show
them up, Abbott. I am going to sing. Well, that
should be of interest to music lovers all over
the world. Have you chosen a song? Yes, Abbott.
I'm singing that popular ballad entitled, Who
Spilled the Beer on the Stove or Foam on the
Rains. Good night, folks. Good night. Yes, folks,
be sure to tune in next week for another great
Abaddon Costello show brought to you by Camel
Cigarettes. And remember, camels are worth asking
for every time. See for yourself how camel's
mildness, coolness, and flavor clicks with you.