WEBVTT 00:00:17.910 --> 00:00:20.750 The Avid and Costello program brought to you 00:00:20.750 --> 00:00:23.250 by Camel, the cigarette of costlier, properly 00:00:23.250 --> 00:00:25.870 aged tobaccos. See if your throat and your taste 00:00:25.870 --> 00:00:28.250 don't make Camel the first with you too. Find 00:00:28.250 --> 00:00:33.799 out for yourself. Listen to the great rhythms 00:00:33.799 --> 00:00:36.119 of Will Osborne and his orchestra, the swingy 00:00:36.119 --> 00:00:39.500 singing of Connie Hayes. And that sawed -off, 00:00:39.719 --> 00:00:41.679 stubby, over -stuffed little statesman who, when 00:00:41.679 --> 00:00:44.039 invited to San Francisco for the United Nations 00:00:44.039 --> 00:00:59.810 Security Conference, proudly said, Hey, up! Castella, 00:00:59.950 --> 00:01:01.990 Castella, Castella, calm yourself. Why are you 00:01:01.990 --> 00:01:04.569 so excited? Hey, Abbott, I think the war is over. 00:01:04.989 --> 00:01:06.609 Oh, that's silly. What makes you think the war 00:01:06.609 --> 00:01:09.150 is over? I just heard the lady next door talking 00:01:09.150 --> 00:01:15.090 back to her maid. Oh. Well, never mind that. 00:01:15.870 --> 00:01:19.430 Yes, look. Never mind that, Lou, look. You know, 00:01:19.430 --> 00:01:21.269 we've got to drive out to the 8th of the bar 00:01:21.269 --> 00:01:23.849 ranch to see the Andrew sisters about the coming 00:01:23.849 --> 00:01:26.250 show next week. Yeah. Now, did you borrow Ken 00:01:26.250 --> 00:01:28.189 Niles' car? Oh yeah, I borrowed it just like 00:01:28.189 --> 00:01:29.450 you told me. Well, that's swell. But I had a 00:01:29.450 --> 00:01:30.670 terrible accident at it. What do you mean? I 00:01:30.670 --> 00:01:32.680 upset it. I got to turn it over right away or 00:01:32.680 --> 00:01:34.540 Ken Niles' wife won't like it. Well, we can do 00:01:34.540 --> 00:01:36.060 that when we come back from the Andrew Sisters' 00:01:36.140 --> 00:01:38.260 ranch. No, I got to turn the car over now or 00:01:38.260 --> 00:01:40.140 Mrs. Niles is going to be mad. I'll explain it 00:01:40.140 --> 00:01:42.079 to Mrs. Niles. Where is she? She's under the 00:01:42.079 --> 00:01:46.659 car. She... She's under the car? Is she in a 00:01:46.659 --> 00:01:48.760 coma? No, she's wearing her evening gown. Oh. 00:01:49.719 --> 00:01:51.739 Well, then let's get Ken Niles to help us lift 00:01:51.739 --> 00:01:53.739 the car. Oh, Ken is in a good spot to help us. 00:01:53.840 --> 00:01:57.480 Fine. Where is he? He's under the car too. For 00:01:57.480 --> 00:01:59.540 goodness sakes, how did this accident happen? 00:01:59.640 --> 00:02:01.680 I bumped into one of the car rabbit. Boy, that 00:02:01.680 --> 00:02:03.280 driver was mad at me He said, for two cents, 00:02:03.319 --> 00:02:04.920 I'd punch in the nose And what happened? He ran 00:02:04.920 --> 00:02:08.180 up a bill of eight dollars You were silly to 00:02:08.180 --> 00:02:09.979 argue with the driver Why didn't you call a policeman? 00:02:10.280 --> 00:02:13.300 I didn't have to I hit one You hit a policeman? 00:02:13.479 --> 00:02:15.419 I hit a policeman You hit a policeman in uniform? 00:02:15.620 --> 00:02:18.979 Nope, I hit him in the nose Oh, this is liable 00:02:18.979 --> 00:02:20.759 to spoil our whole trip to the Andrews Sisters 00:02:20.759 --> 00:02:24.159 ranch Did the cop recognize you? Yep Could he 00:02:24.159 --> 00:02:26.500 swear to you? Yep And I sweared right back at 00:02:26.500 --> 00:02:30.289 him I said, oh... Oh, you David Copperfield, 00:02:30.469 --> 00:02:32.969 you tale of two cities, you Oliver Twist. What 00:02:32.969 --> 00:02:35.050 did you say that for? I was giving him the dickens. 00:02:35.949 --> 00:02:44.889 That's... Ah, this is a fine thing. Now I have 00:02:44.889 --> 00:02:46.229 to straighten you out with that policeman. Where 00:02:46.229 --> 00:02:48.930 is he? He's under the car, too. What are they 00:02:48.930 --> 00:02:50.530 all doing under the car? Have you looked for 00:02:50.530 --> 00:02:54.949 an apartment lately? Uh -oh, uh -oh, here comes 00:02:54.949 --> 00:02:57.009 Mr. and Mrs. Niles. Better beat it, Costello. 00:02:59.080 --> 00:03:02.379 fat -headed, slabby, car -flipping fool! Do you 00:03:02.379 --> 00:03:04.180 realize you left me out there under the car holding 00:03:04.180 --> 00:03:09.800 up my rumble seat? Don't stand there like an 00:03:09.800 --> 00:03:11.460 idiot! What have you got to say? Good morning, 00:03:11.599 --> 00:03:15.379 Mrs. Niles. Oh, good morning me! Good night, 00:03:15.460 --> 00:03:18.240 Mrs. Niles. That day went fast, didn't it? No. 00:03:20.159 --> 00:03:21.979 Costello, why did you leave Mrs. Niles under 00:03:21.979 --> 00:03:24.000 the back seat of her car? Well, isn't that where 00:03:24.000 --> 00:03:33.930 they always keep the crank? Well, all right. 00:03:34.409 --> 00:03:37.810 Just a minute now, you worm. Don't you... Please. 00:03:38.030 --> 00:03:40.009 Go ahead, go ahead. Pull me out, kid. All right. 00:03:40.030 --> 00:03:42.210 You're supposed to... Don't you try to wiggle 00:03:42.210 --> 00:03:44.629 out of this. What about me? Look at my suit. 00:03:44.689 --> 00:03:46.750 I'm a mess. Niles, without looking at your suit, 00:03:46.770 --> 00:03:50.689 you're a mess. But look at the spots all over 00:03:50.689 --> 00:03:52.909 my suit. Well, throw away the suit and wear the 00:03:52.909 --> 00:03:56.330 spots. Oh Costello, I've had enough. We're going 00:03:56.330 --> 00:03:58.490 out to get the policeman and sue you for damages. 00:03:58.810 --> 00:04:01.050 Damages? But Mrs. Niles, did you get hurt? Did 00:04:01.050 --> 00:04:04.419 I get hurt? I have a big scratch on my crazy 00:04:04.419 --> 00:04:07.240 bone. Put your hat on and nobody will notice 00:04:07.240 --> 00:04:12.419 it. Oh, come Kenneth. Hey, come on, have a think 00:04:12.419 --> 00:04:13.759 fast. I gotta get out of here before they come 00:04:13.759 --> 00:04:15.879 back with the cop. Oh, you can cause more trouble. 00:04:16.220 --> 00:04:17.980 We were going to the eights of the bar ranch 00:04:17.980 --> 00:04:19.920 to ask the Andrew sisters to appear on our show 00:04:19.920 --> 00:04:22.459 next week. And you wrecked the car we were going 00:04:22.459 --> 00:04:25.019 to use. Well, now we'll have to rent a car. Well, 00:04:25.040 --> 00:04:26.779 let's get another car. We'll have to. Well, where 00:04:26.779 --> 00:04:29.019 can we get one? Now you drive. Me drive? No, 00:04:29.139 --> 00:04:32.600 you drive. I said I drive. You don't drive it, 00:04:32.600 --> 00:04:36.639 I drive it. Drive what? A you drive. Why should 00:04:36.639 --> 00:04:39.620 I drive when you wanna drive? I'm going to drive. 00:04:39.759 --> 00:04:42.160 Look, Costello, I'm renting a you drive and I 00:04:42.160 --> 00:04:44.699 drive it. Oh, then we both drive it. No, we do 00:04:44.699 --> 00:04:46.899 nothing of the kind. I drive. When I say you 00:04:46.899 --> 00:04:50.000 drive, I don't mean you drive. I mean that I 00:04:50.000 --> 00:04:52.480 drive, although it's a you drive. When you say 00:04:52.480 --> 00:04:55.300 you drive, you don't mean me drive? No. You mean 00:04:55.300 --> 00:04:57.319 you drive because I don't drive? Now you've got 00:04:57.319 --> 00:04:59.129 it. Now I, I don't even know - That's what I'm 00:04:59.129 --> 00:05:03.949 talking about! Now look, Abbot, you go to a place 00:05:03.949 --> 00:05:06.490 and you're gonna rent a car. Yes. You are driving 00:05:06.490 --> 00:05:08.769 the car? Yes. Where am I sitting? You are sitting 00:05:08.769 --> 00:05:10.889 right next to me. Is there a steering wheel in 00:05:10.889 --> 00:05:13.310 front of me? No. And you're positive that I am 00:05:13.310 --> 00:05:15.470 not driving? I'm positive. And you are driving 00:05:15.470 --> 00:05:17.629 the car? Yes. All right, what kind of a car are 00:05:17.629 --> 00:05:21.709 you driving? You drive. Somebody better be driving! 00:05:21.930 --> 00:05:25.029 No, no, no, look, please. I'm trying to explain 00:05:25.029 --> 00:05:27.589 this. We go and rent a car. Right, now where 00:05:27.589 --> 00:05:30.779 are we gonna get it? You drive company. Now I 00:05:30.779 --> 00:05:33.480 drive company. I thought we were going alone. 00:05:33.600 --> 00:05:36.220 You don't understand. It hurts you drive. Well, 00:05:36.259 --> 00:05:39.899 if it hurts, you drive. That is right. That's 00:05:39.899 --> 00:05:42.060 right. This is getting worse. Don't you see? 00:05:42.240 --> 00:05:44.240 The head of the company's hurts. That's too bad. 00:05:44.300 --> 00:05:47.319 What hurts him? Nothing hurts him. Look, every 00:05:47.319 --> 00:05:50.040 company... has to have a head. Naturally. Now, 00:05:50.040 --> 00:05:52.540 this company's heads hurts. Oh, why don't we 00:05:52.540 --> 00:05:56.160 take an aspirin? Listen. It's hurts you drive 00:05:56.160 --> 00:05:58.500 all over the country. Well, if it hurts to drive 00:05:58.500 --> 00:06:00.660 all over the country, why should I drive and 00:06:00.660 --> 00:06:03.180 get hurt? You don't get hurt. I'm not gonna get 00:06:03.180 --> 00:06:05.500 hurt. You don't get hurt, Castle. And nobody's 00:06:05.500 --> 00:06:07.540 gonna hurt for me. That's right, you're not gonna 00:06:07.540 --> 00:06:09.800 get hurt. I'm not fool to get hurt. You're not 00:06:09.800 --> 00:06:12.939 going to get hurt. It's the hurts company. Oh, 00:06:13.040 --> 00:06:26.220 the hurts company. All right, look at it. I don't 00:06:26.220 --> 00:06:28.600 wanna hurt nobody. Will you listen to me, please? 00:06:29.540 --> 00:06:40.139 The man's name is... Look, no, please. Now look, 00:06:40.199 --> 00:06:43.220 take it easy. The man's name is Hertz. He rents 00:06:43.220 --> 00:06:46.720 cars. U Drive. It's the U Drive all over the 00:06:46.720 --> 00:06:49.480 country. You drive all over the country! Yeah! 00:06:49.699 --> 00:06:52.120 Not with that OPA, brother! What are you talking 00:06:52.120 --> 00:06:55.420 about? That's why I can't go! OPA! What do you 00:06:55.420 --> 00:07:19.290 mean, OPA? Only... Ramel presents Will Osburn 00:07:19.290 --> 00:07:20.889 with the arrangement of one of your favorites. 00:07:21.310 --> 00:09:15.929 My dreams are getting better all the time. Captain 00:09:15.929 --> 00:09:18.269 and Costello are driving their rented car over 00:09:18.269 --> 00:09:21.250 the desert to the Andrews Sisters Ranch. We find 00:09:21.250 --> 00:09:24.029 them on the road, their motor merrily hammering 00:09:24.029 --> 00:09:26.669 away as they head for the ranch. Let's listen 00:09:26.669 --> 00:09:34.070 to these hammerheads. Well, Costello, no matter 00:09:34.070 --> 00:09:36.769 how you drive, the pedestrians always manage 00:09:36.769 --> 00:09:39.250 to get across the road somehow. Yeah, sneaky 00:09:39.250 --> 00:09:42.840 devils, ain't they? I wish I was a truck driver. 00:09:43.000 --> 00:09:44.500 Why do you want to be a truck driver? Oh, they 00:09:44.500 --> 00:09:46.779 run into so many interesting people. Castella, 00:09:46.860 --> 00:09:52.720 you're a dope. Hey. Huh? Hey. Castella. Castella! 00:09:53.120 --> 00:09:56.100 There's something wrong. What's wrong here? What's 00:09:56.100 --> 00:09:57.360 wrong with this? What's the matter with this 00:09:57.360 --> 00:10:24.529 car? Out of gas. Hello. Hello, fellas. Have an 00:10:24.529 --> 00:10:28.309 accident? No, thanks. We just had one. Quiet, 00:10:28.490 --> 00:10:30.690 Castellus. Hey, mister. Could you pull us to 00:10:30.690 --> 00:10:35.570 the nearest town? Nope, but the horse can. It's 00:10:35.570 --> 00:10:38.269 10 miles to Palm Springs. I'll tow you there 00:10:38.269 --> 00:10:42.730 for $30. Here, just hook the rope on. Okay? Here 00:10:42.730 --> 00:10:56.399 we go. a horse's horse. You know, Costella, that 00:10:56.399 --> 00:10:59.980 guy is a gyp. Imagine charging us $30 to pull 00:10:59.980 --> 00:11:01.919 us 10 miles. Don't worry, Evan. I'm getting even 00:11:01.919 --> 00:11:15.779 with him. How? I got our brakes on. Okay, Costella, 00:11:15.799 --> 00:11:19.500 here's the hotel. I'll ring for the clerk. Oh, 00:11:19.559 --> 00:11:22.700 clerk! Oh, church! Clerk! Oh, church! Just a 00:11:22.700 --> 00:11:26.740 moment, please. This is a very high class hotel 00:11:26.740 --> 00:11:29.279 and I'll have you understand I'm not a jerk. 00:11:29.440 --> 00:11:33.480 You're not even a vibration. Costello, will you 00:11:33.480 --> 00:11:36.039 act like a gentleman, please? Hey, clerk, we'd 00:11:36.039 --> 00:11:38.220 like a room. All I have left is the bridal chamber. 00:11:38.399 --> 00:11:40.440 Do you want that, Mr. Abbott? I do. Do you want 00:11:40.440 --> 00:11:42.740 it, Mr. Costello? I do. I now pronounce you room 00:11:42.740 --> 00:11:47.120 and bath. Five dollars. Mr. Clark, just a minute. 00:11:47.139 --> 00:11:49.519 You don't understand. We were here on our way 00:11:49.519 --> 00:11:51.759 to the 8th of the Ball Ranch and our car broke 00:11:51.759 --> 00:11:53.700 down. We're going to see the Andrew Sisters. 00:11:53.980 --> 00:11:57.419 Ah, yes, the Andrew Sisters. They are so sweet. 00:11:58.139 --> 00:12:00.820 Every time I see them, I want to kiss them. My 00:12:00.820 --> 00:12:03.940 mind says no, my heart says yes. And what do 00:12:03.940 --> 00:12:08.399 you hear from your liver? Well, Mr. Costello, 00:12:08.519 --> 00:12:10.299 if you'll just sign the register, I'll have the 00:12:10.299 --> 00:12:12.720 boy show you to your suite. My what? Your suite, 00:12:12.779 --> 00:12:20.139 your suite. You're cute too. I like... Come on, 00:12:20.299 --> 00:12:22.179 Clark, what about our rooms? All right, Mr. Costello, 00:12:22.220 --> 00:12:25.139 it's on the 10th floor. Here's the key, 10 -06. 00:12:25.259 --> 00:12:27.440 Now get going. Okay, I'll see you later. Okay. 00:12:27.559 --> 00:12:31.019 Wrong! All right. Wrong! All right! I know you 00:12:31.019 --> 00:12:33.879 are. Now listen, Clark, we want to get up early. 00:12:33.899 --> 00:12:35.940 We're going to the... Hey, wait a minute, 10th 00:12:35.940 --> 00:12:39.440 floor? 10th floor? Wait a minute, you sent Costello 00:12:39.440 --> 00:12:41.100 to the 10th floor. There's only one floor in 00:12:41.100 --> 00:12:43.559 this hotel. You haven't got a 10th floor. Good 00:12:43.559 --> 00:12:46.320 heavens, man, you're right! Oh, this is serious. 00:12:46.620 --> 00:12:59.529 Oh, Mr. Costello, there's no 10th... Now Stella, 00:13:00.009 --> 00:13:02.129 speak to me, are you all right? What can I do 00:13:02.129 --> 00:13:07.070 for you? Send a boy up for my bags. Hey, come 00:13:07.070 --> 00:13:08.789 on Abba, let's get out of this place. I have 00:13:08.789 --> 00:13:11.549 never been so humidity in all my life. Humidity? 00:13:11.750 --> 00:13:14.929 Yes, he humiditied me. Humidity means damp. Well, 00:13:14.950 --> 00:13:23.629 let's get out of this damp hotel. Banana? Yeah, 00:13:23.730 --> 00:13:28.779 look. Look, you can't check out. You just checked 00:13:28.779 --> 00:13:31.919 in. Oh, it's the gypsy and me. Oh, shut up. You're 00:13:31.919 --> 00:13:33.559 going right to bed. Now, we've got to see the 00:13:33.559 --> 00:13:35.620 Andrews sisters in the morning. Oh, here's our 00:13:35.620 --> 00:13:39.980 room. Come on. Oh, I wonder who that can be. 00:13:40.340 --> 00:13:42.240 Nobody knows we're in town. I'll take it. Go 00:13:42.240 --> 00:13:45.200 ahead. Hello. Yes, this is Lou Costello. No, 00:13:45.220 --> 00:13:48.720 no, I'm sorry. I'd like to, but I just can't. 00:13:48.940 --> 00:13:53.139 No, no, I won't tell you. Who was that? Boulevard. 00:13:53.259 --> 00:14:03.940 They wanted to know what time it was. You're 00:14:03.940 --> 00:14:07.519 crazy. Now get to bed. Come on, hurry up. We've 00:14:07.519 --> 00:14:09.620 got to get up early, you understand? To get to 00:14:09.620 --> 00:14:13.820 the ranch. What's this? Pardon me, boys. I'm 00:14:13.820 --> 00:14:17.299 the chambermaid. I heard you two clowns had checked 00:14:17.299 --> 00:14:19.179 in. I thought you might like to hear a funny 00:14:19.179 --> 00:14:22.360 story. How about it, Abbott? This chambermaid 00:14:22.360 --> 00:14:24.220 might have something. We could use a good joke. 00:14:24.860 --> 00:14:26.679 We haven't had one on three pages. All right, 00:14:26.740 --> 00:14:31.990 go ahead. Well... Did you ever hear the story 00:14:31.990 --> 00:14:35.509 about the double band? Nope. I just made it. 00:14:40.269 --> 00:14:46.990 Oh, this kid is gonna lay eight! Oh, how dare 00:14:46.990 --> 00:14:49.590 you! I've never been so humiliated in my life! 00:14:49.909 --> 00:14:51.769 Now, you see, Addit? She said the same thing, 00:14:51.789 --> 00:14:54.269 humidity. She thinks it's a damp hotel too. Oh, 00:14:54.889 --> 00:14:56.629 dampness has nothing to do with it. She said 00:14:56.629 --> 00:14:59.710 humiliate. Conjugate it from the Latin, humilius. 00:15:00.730 --> 00:15:03.250 Humiliate. Humili -ium. I humiliate. She humiliates. 00:15:03.309 --> 00:15:05.350 They humiliate. Now, do you understand? Yes, 00:15:05.350 --> 00:15:07.990 sir. Everybody in the joint is damp. No, no, 00:15:08.169 --> 00:15:10.110 no, no. Say, miss, if you're so smart, maybe 00:15:10.110 --> 00:15:11.750 you could tell me something. Our car broke down 00:15:11.750 --> 00:15:13.289 and we got to get to the Andrews Sisters Ranch. 00:15:13.470 --> 00:15:15.750 Now, how can we get there? On a jackass. Did 00:15:15.750 --> 00:15:18.350 you ever ride a jackass? No. Then you better 00:15:18.350 --> 00:15:22.889 get on to yourself. Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! 00:15:24.950 --> 00:15:28.190 Hmm. How do you like that? That's a very funny 00:15:28.190 --> 00:15:30.539 joke. If you ask me, then I'll ask me. I think 00:15:30.539 --> 00:15:32.899 it's a funny joke. I think I'll try that one 00:15:32.899 --> 00:15:36.340 on Abbott. Hey, Abbott! Yes? Did you ever ride 00:15:36.340 --> 00:15:44.460 a jackass? No. Then hop on my back! Okay. Out 00:15:44.460 --> 00:15:54.159 of 50 pounds of seawater comes one single precious 00:15:54.159 --> 00:15:57.000 ounce of magnesium, that miracle metal for airplanes. 00:15:57.320 --> 00:15:59.639 Sort of a parallel to the job of getting the 00:15:59.639 --> 00:16:02.279 precious tobacco for camel cigarettes. You see, 00:16:02.559 --> 00:16:04.820 oceans of leaf tobacco are produced in the United 00:16:04.820 --> 00:16:07.320 States each year, about a billion and a half 00:16:07.320 --> 00:16:10.059 pounds. But only a fraction of this enormous 00:16:10.059 --> 00:16:13.000 production is good enough for camels. Then those 00:16:13.000 --> 00:16:15.720 choicer, costlier tobaccos are properly aged 00:16:15.720 --> 00:16:18.940 and blended in the time -honored camel way. Why, 00:16:19.100 --> 00:16:21.120 camels just wouldn't be camels if they were made 00:16:21.120 --> 00:16:24.639 of green, insufficiently cured tobaccos. So ask 00:16:24.639 --> 00:16:27.509 for camels when you buy cigarettes. Their full, 00:16:27.809 --> 00:16:30.370 rich flavor and cool mildness make them worth 00:16:30.370 --> 00:16:36.509 asking for every time. C -A -M -E -L -S Camels. 00:16:36.730 --> 00:16:48.090 War or peace, camels are still camels. Lovely 00:16:48.090 --> 00:16:50.269 Connie Hain sings for her camel fans, one of 00:16:50.269 --> 00:16:52.529 the most popular songs of the day. I'm beginning 00:16:52.529 --> 00:17:00.080 to see the light. I never cared much for moonlit 00:17:00.080 --> 00:17:06.059 skies I never went back at fireflies But now 00:17:06.059 --> 00:17:10.380 that the stars are in your eyes I'm beginning 00:17:10.380 --> 00:17:18.180 to see the light I never went in for afterglow 00:17:18.180 --> 00:17:23.619 A candlelight on the mistletoe But now when you 00:17:23.619 --> 00:17:30.170 turn the lamp down I'm beginning to see the light. 00:17:31.730 --> 00:17:37.069 Used to ramble through the park. Shadow boxing 00:17:37.069 --> 00:17:43.309 in the dark. Then you came and caught the spark. 00:17:43.390 --> 00:17:49.809 That's a four alarm fire now. I never made love 00:17:49.809 --> 00:17:57.279 by lantern shine. I never saw rainbows. But now 00:17:57.279 --> 00:18:01.619 that your lips are burning mine, I'm beginning 00:18:01.619 --> 00:18:08.839 to see the light. Used to ramble through the 00:18:08.839 --> 00:18:16.160 park, shadow boxing in the dark. Then you came 00:18:16.160 --> 00:18:22.140 and caused the sparks, and the ball on fire now. 00:18:26.680 --> 00:18:32.799 I never saw rainbows in my wine, but now that 00:18:32.799 --> 00:18:37.099 your lips are burning mine, I'm beginning... 00:19:11.440 --> 00:19:13.279 We've got to check out of this hotel and find 00:19:13.279 --> 00:19:15.339 the Andrews Sisters ranch. Gee Abbott, I hate 00:19:15.339 --> 00:19:17.559 to leave this lovely hotel room. I know. But 00:19:17.559 --> 00:19:19.259 I can't get it into my suitcase. What do you 00:19:19.259 --> 00:19:22.000 mean? My suitcase is full of towels. Costello! 00:19:22.500 --> 00:19:24.559 I'm surprised at you, stealing towels from a 00:19:24.559 --> 00:19:28.480 hotel. What could be smaller? Wash rags. Now! 00:19:31.279 --> 00:19:34.990 Come in. Pardon this unwarranted intrusion, gentlemen, 00:19:35.049 --> 00:19:37.529 but I'm looking for Abbott and Costello. Oh, 00:19:37.630 --> 00:19:39.549 that's Abbott over there and I'm Costello. You? 00:19:39.589 --> 00:19:41.930 No, no, it couldn't be. I'm sure, sir. I'm sure 00:19:41.930 --> 00:19:44.410 that Luke Costello does not look like a sawed 00:19:44.410 --> 00:19:47.190 -off, pot -bellied, imbecilic, flea -bitten bum. 00:19:47.269 --> 00:19:54.250 Oh, yeah? You wanna bet? What did I say? Just 00:19:54.250 --> 00:19:56.029 a minute, neighbor. Who are you, anyway? Oh, 00:19:56.069 --> 00:19:58.329 pardon me. My name is Melon Head. I'm sorry. 00:19:58.710 --> 00:20:02.150 Well, with that head, you should be sorry. Look 00:20:02.150 --> 00:20:03.970 at that scalp, Abbott. His forehead goes all 00:20:03.970 --> 00:20:06.529 the way back to Santa Monica. Just a minute, 00:20:06.710 --> 00:20:09.589 Costello. I resent your remarks. I have plenty 00:20:09.589 --> 00:20:12.609 of hair. I mean on your head and foot in your 00:20:12.609 --> 00:20:15.829 shirt. Costello, Costello, before you insult 00:20:15.829 --> 00:20:18.210 this man anymore, please. Before you insult him, 00:20:18.250 --> 00:20:21.809 let's find out what he wants. Go ahead. Find 00:20:21.809 --> 00:20:23.730 out what he wants. Well, go ahead. All right, 00:20:23.849 --> 00:20:25.930 melonhead. Tell us what you want so I can insult 00:20:25.930 --> 00:20:28.069 you again. Gentlemen, I'm a theatrical agent 00:20:28.069 --> 00:20:31.049 specializing in television. Here's my card. Hey, 00:20:31.089 --> 00:20:32.549 there's nothing on the card. Well, television 00:20:32.549 --> 00:20:36.690 isn't here yet. Now, let's get down to business, 00:20:37.029 --> 00:20:38.569 Costello. Let's get down to business. I understand 00:20:38.569 --> 00:20:40.589 you boys are here to engage the Andrews sisters 00:20:40.589 --> 00:20:43.009 to appear on your radio show. That's right. Now, 00:20:43.049 --> 00:20:44.890 Mr. Costello, if I could save you a lot of money. 00:20:45.150 --> 00:20:50.549 Look, if you found $14 ,987 .50 in your pocket, 00:20:50.910 --> 00:20:53.369 what would you think? I'd think I'd had on somebody 00:20:53.369 --> 00:20:56.190 else's pants. Oh, no, no, no. Now, gentlemen, 00:20:56.230 --> 00:20:58.839 my proposition is very simple. The Andrews sisters 00:20:58.839 --> 00:21:02.920 would cost you $15 ,000, but I happen to represent 00:21:02.920 --> 00:21:06.480 the original Andrews Brothers. The Andrews Brothers? 00:21:06.579 --> 00:21:10.259 Who are they? A great act. And the Andrews Brothers. 00:21:10.480 --> 00:21:14.160 The Andrews Brothers will only cost you $12 .50. 00:21:14.819 --> 00:21:17.200 Do you know what that means? Yes, that means 00:21:17.200 --> 00:21:21.059 they must be lousy. Will you shut up, Castello? 00:21:21.099 --> 00:21:23.460 Mr. Melonhead, how can you afford to sell the 00:21:23.460 --> 00:21:26.059 Andrews Brothers so cheap? Oh, I was caught by 00:21:26.059 --> 00:21:29.299 the price ceiling. Uh, you see, think of it, 00:21:29.359 --> 00:21:32.559 boys. The three Andrews brothers for $12, and 00:21:32.559 --> 00:21:35.160 that's less than $5 a brother. Where can you 00:21:35.160 --> 00:21:37.160 buy brothers cheaper than that? I can buy the 00:21:37.160 --> 00:21:39.279 Smith brothers for a nickel. All right, Costello. 00:21:40.759 --> 00:21:43.339 Stop, stop. And they got more hair as a beard 00:21:43.339 --> 00:21:45.680 than you got on your head. Yeah, all right. Can 00:21:45.680 --> 00:21:48.680 you stop quibbling with Mr. Melonhead? Well... 00:21:48.619 --> 00:21:50.599 I mean, he quibbled on me first. Well, so what? 00:21:50.799 --> 00:21:52.079 I mean, after all, I don't go around quibbling 00:21:52.079 --> 00:21:53.700 on anybody unless they quibble on me first. All 00:21:53.700 --> 00:21:55.259 right, we'll forget about it. I got a good mind 00:21:55.259 --> 00:21:56.759 to let them have it some more. I'll quibble them 00:21:56.759 --> 00:21:58.440 with both barrels. Now, never mind the quibbling. 00:21:58.619 --> 00:22:00.460 I guarantee I can quibble further than he can. 00:22:00.519 --> 00:22:02.660 All right, we do want more quibbling. Quiet. 00:22:02.660 --> 00:22:03.920 We might as well stop right here. We ain't got 00:22:03.920 --> 00:22:05.519 no place for it. All right, Mr. Mellonhead. Yeah? 00:22:06.259 --> 00:22:08.700 When can we hear the Andrews brothers? When you 00:22:08.700 --> 00:22:11.279 can hear them right now. All right. Come in, 00:22:11.460 --> 00:22:34.980 boys, and sing for Rabbit and Costello. Well, 00:22:35.119 --> 00:22:38.180 Costello, what do you think of the three Andrews 00:22:38.180 --> 00:22:40.220 brothers? Well, they could be worse. How could 00:22:40.220 --> 00:22:44.119 they be worse? There could be four of them. Now, 00:22:44.119 --> 00:22:46.200 wait a minute, Costello. Let's not pass judgment 00:22:46.200 --> 00:22:48.420 until we hear the boys sing something else. Do 00:22:48.420 --> 00:22:51.380 you boys know Apple Blossom Time? Do they? Of 00:22:51.380 --> 00:22:54.180 course they, boys! Go ahead, hit it. Sing the 00:22:54.180 --> 00:23:15.349 medley. like apple cider time. I'll be with you 00:23:15.349 --> 00:23:21.230 and change your name to mine. They'll have to 00:23:21.230 --> 00:23:22.569 change more than their names if they want to 00:23:22.569 --> 00:23:49.809 get on this program. Hit it, Roy! Will you be 00:23:49.809 --> 00:23:55.509 quiet? I mean, you and I... Ah, Deborah! I wondered 00:23:55.509 --> 00:24:00.589 what happened to that guy. I mean, that's not 00:24:00.589 --> 00:24:03.730 funny. That guy not only rolled out the barrel, 00:24:03.910 --> 00:24:07.029 he emptied it. All right, all right. Well, Abbott 00:24:07.029 --> 00:24:09.329 and Costello, didn't I tell you the Andrews brothers 00:24:09.329 --> 00:24:12.849 were out of this world? They ain't out far enough. 00:24:14.059 --> 00:24:16.200 Let's not quibble, Costello. Look, where can 00:24:16.200 --> 00:24:18.359 you find a better bargain than these three wonderful 00:24:18.359 --> 00:24:21.119 singers? Think of it. Three brothers for $12 00:24:21.119 --> 00:24:25.539 .50. Now, why that, you cost that much for three 00:24:25.539 --> 00:24:28.200 goats. Yeah, but look at the difference. Nothing 00:24:28.200 --> 00:24:30.140 doing, nothing doing, Melonhead. Your prices 00:24:30.140 --> 00:24:32.940 are too high. Too high, Costello? Before I'll 00:24:32.940 --> 00:24:35.779 sell the Andrews brothers for less than $12 .50, 00:24:36.039 --> 00:24:39.839 I'll drown myself. Okay, you asked for it. Put 00:24:39.839 --> 00:25:06.720 that salsa bottle down. Hey! Stella will be back 00:25:06.720 --> 00:25:14.259 for candle cigarettes in just a moment. Thanks 00:25:14.259 --> 00:25:17.259 to the angst of the week, tonight we salute Lieutenant 00:25:17.259 --> 00:25:20.140 John Battenfield Mitchell of Brentwood, Pennsylvania, 00:25:20.980 --> 00:25:23.339 engineer with the 9th Armored Division who risked 00:25:23.339 --> 00:25:26.720 his life to disconnect wiring from the explosives 00:25:26.720 --> 00:25:28.799 which would have blown up the Ray Morgan bridge 00:25:28.799 --> 00:25:32.910 over the Rhine in just 10 more minutes. His action 00:25:32.910 --> 00:25:35.549 made possible the tank dash to the Rhine's eastern 00:25:35.549 --> 00:25:39.130 bank. In your honor, Lieutenant Mitchell, the 00:25:39.130 --> 00:25:41.450 makers of camels are sending to our fighters 00:25:41.450 --> 00:26:13.339 overseas 500 ,000 camel cigarettes. Here are 00:26:13.339 --> 00:26:15.539 Bud Abbott and Lou Costello with the final word. 00:26:16.079 --> 00:26:18.279 Well, Costello, what have you planned to do next 00:26:18.279 --> 00:26:20.660 week with the Andrews sisters? I'm going to show 00:26:20.660 --> 00:26:23.839 them up, Abbott. I am going to sing. Well, that 00:26:23.839 --> 00:26:26.880 should be of interest to music lovers all over 00:26:26.880 --> 00:26:29.720 the world. Have you chosen a song? Yes, Abbott. 00:26:29.880 --> 00:26:32.940 I'm singing that popular ballad entitled, Who 00:26:32.940 --> 00:26:37.519 Spilled the Beer on the Stove or Foam on the 00:26:37.519 --> 00:26:51.869 Rains. Good night, folks. Good night. Yes, folks, 00:26:52.029 --> 00:26:53.970 be sure to tune in next week for another great 00:26:53.970 --> 00:26:56.410 Abaddon Costello show brought to you by Camel 00:26:56.410 --> 00:26:59.670 Cigarettes. And remember, camels are worth asking 00:26:59.670 --> 00:27:03.230 for every time. See for yourself how camel's 00:27:03.230 --> 00:27:05.730 mildness, coolness, and flavor clicks with you.