You know what that was? No. That was a theme
song from I Was a Teenage Werewolf. You could
have fooled me. Now do you know what this is?
No. Welcome to Piggy Tailor with Dawes Butler,
June Peray, Peter Leeds, and the Judd Cotland
Rhythm Heirs. Well, this was the night we were
going to bring you tap dancing around the world,
but due to a jurisdictional dispute between the
Four Step Brothers and Mrs. Arthur Murray, it'll
have to be postponed a bit. But it's great to
be with you tonight. We have a special... Pardon
me, Mr. Freeberg, but my name is Tweedley. Well,
we all have our problems. I am the censor from
the Citizens Radio Committee and... I feel. You,
uh, from the Citizens Radio Committee, you say?
That's exactly what I said, yes. And what is
your purpose in being here? I must okay all the
material used on your program here. And I think
the best method is to just sit back here and
interrupt when I feel it's necessary. You mean
you plan to stop me every time I do something
that you think is wrong? Exactly. I'll just sound
my little horn like this. And then you stop,
and I'll tell you what's wrong. Uh, somehow I
can tell this is gonna be one of those days.
You just go right ahead, Mr. Freeberg. Don't
mind me. Yeah, now I'd like to say... You forgot
to say thank you, Mr. Freeberg. Politeness isn't
essential in radio programming. Your program
goes into the home. We must be a good influence
on children. I see. Well, that's a nice little
horn you have there. Thanks very much, Mr. Tweedley.
You're welcome. I'm sure. I'd like to sing a
old river song in honor this week of National
Mississippi River Boat Paddlewheel Week. Mr.
May, if you please. Very polite, Mr. Freber.
Thank you. Alright Tweedley, politeness I dig,
but what in the world is wrong with Old Man River?
The word old has a connotation some of the more
elderly people find distasteful. I would suggest
you make the substitution please. I suppose you
insist. Precisely. You may continue. Okay, music.
You forgot to say thank you. Say thank you, yes,
okay. Thank you Mr. Tweedley. You're quite welcome,
I am sure. elderly man river that elderly man
river he must know something but he don't say
nothing alright hold it fellas now what Tweedly
the word something you left off the G but that's
authentic something something that's the way
the people I'm sorry talk down there the home
is a classroom Mr. Freeberg I know you said that
keep in mind the tiny tots And furthermore, think
back, you'll recall that you said, but he don't
say nothing. That was in quotes. Now, really,
Mr. Freeberg, that's a double negative. Do you
mean he does say something? No, I just wasn't
using my head, I guess. I mean, after all, it
should be grammatically correct, keeping in mind...
And the tiny tot, yes. You probably mean he doesn't
say anything. I suppose I mean that, yes, I guess.
All right, fine, you win. All right, Billy, music.
Thank you, thank you. You're welcome, I am sure.
Elderly man river, that elderly man river. He
must know something, but he doesn't say anything.
He just keeps rolling, rolling. He just keeps...
potatoes he doesn't plant cotton and them these
those that plant Exactly. Now turning to the
sports page here. Oh yes, and thank you for being
with us, Mr. Tweedley. You're welcome. I am sure.
Once more, we present Mr. Robert E. Tainter,
the man who looks for the dirty linen in the
history hamper. Here he is, Bob Tainter. When
did you get out, Bob? This morning. I thought
you were doing 30 days. I was. But I got in touch
with a friend of mine in the DA's office. He's
a big wheel, Stan. A big wheel. Pretty big, huh?
Yes, he might do you some good sometime. Well,
I don't think that's going to be necessary. You
never can tell, Stan. Yeah, well, how did he
get you out? Well, you know the Confidential
magazine trial. Mm -hmm. A lot of movie stars
are suing the magazine for libel. Yeah, there's
some pretty unpleasant testimony there. Yeah.
Confidential figures on laying it on the stars,
pretty good, Stan. I know. Well, when I told
this wheel was, why don't I see what I can get
on the folks over at Confidential? He went for
it. I think it's kind of a cute switch myself.
Yeah, that's a darling idea. What item of soil,
then, have you dug out of the history hamper
for us tonight? Well, it's a scorcher stand.
I'll bet. Did you ever hear of Giacomo Casabianca?
Yeah, wasn't he on the Ed Sullivan show? No,
that's another Giacomo Casabianca. The guy I'm
talking about was a boy in history. Oh, yeah.
Now, here's the linen stand. My good friend Earthwing
Somber will fill you in. Wait a minute, you mean
THE Earthwing Somber is a good friend of yours?
Oh, I got a lot on this cookie stand. Got a few
minutes, I'll tell him. No, no, let's just get
on with it. Mr. Somber, if you please. Great
moments in history. But what is the real story
behind these moments? The time is August in the
year of 1798. The event, the Battle of the Nile.
The flagship of the fleet has blown up and caught
fire. A young lad with jaws clenched stands on
the bridge. Boy, the time is now. Go stand on
the burning deck. First you give me the money,
then I'll stand on the burning deck. Oh, Bob
Tater, that was awful. I don't believe it. Each
man has his own stool pigeon stand. Yeah, but
that boy Casa Bianca was a hero. Well, so was
my grandfather until he chickened out on Custer's
last stand. Let's get lost, will ya, Bob? I want
to introduce Peggy Taylor. Sure, Stan. No offense.
Here she is, Peggy Taylor. Well, Peggy, I want
the folks to know more about you. Oh, well, like
what, Stan? Well, in interviews, it's kind of
standard practice to ask about hobbies. Hobbies?
Yeah. Well, when I was a little girl, I raised
rabbits. You mean, you had the rabbits and they
raised themselves? Yes. More to the point. Pardon
me, Miss Taylor. Oh, yes, Mr. Taylor. Where did
you get the rabbits? Well, they were given to
me. It could be the old Paola, you know, Stan.
Oh, stop it, will ya? My father gave them to
me. There. Now you're satisfied? Sure, Stan.
Maybe she had something on her father. Oh, just
quit it, will ya? Peggy wants to sing. Yeah?
My friend at the DA's office will be glad to
hear that. So will a lot of people. Sing, will
you please, Peggy? Hang that cradle, Mary, mine
On that Mason -Dixon line And sing out from Virginia
To Tennessee with all the love that's in ya Weep
no more, my lady kisses I'll deliver the minute
that Dixon line and sing out from Virginia to
Tennessee with all the love that's in ya we've
no more my ladies sing that song again to me
so soft and low just as though you had me on
your knee a million baby kisses are Spoon, Miss
Edna St. Louis, Missouri, and Dr. Linus Quoit.
I am your moderator, Fulbrook Mason. Now to meet
the panelists. First of all, Dr. Quoit, I believe
you received your doctor's degree at MIT. What
was your fee? I received my doctor's degree in
Little Orphan Annie. That was my major. My minor
was Little Abner. Next, Miss Edna St. Louis,
Missouri, who received her master's degree in
Tarzan. Yes, the subject of my thesis for my
master's degree was Tarzan and the Apes and his
influence on the 20th century culture. Now our
third panelist, G .L. Spoon, a roving reporter.
And you covered the comic strips, didn't you?
Ah, that's right. The funnies are my beat, yeah.
And what school did you attend? Well, I didn't
attend any school as such. Let's just say I'm
from the School of Hard Knocks. That's not original,
but it's very apt. I see. I may not have any
doctor's degrees like some other people around
here, but I'll go on the $64 ,000 question anytime
with my subject. And that is? Dick Tracy. I don't
see a reason to go around there with a chip on
your shoulder, Mr. Spoon. Look. I haven't got
any chip on my shoulder. Yeah, I have a chip
on your shoulder. It's obvious. I do not have
a chip on my shoulder, Dr. Coyote. I don't have
to go to college to learn about Dick Tracy. Gentlemen,
gentlemen, if you have anything to say, please,
please raise your hand. Please raise your hand.
Now then, the first question today is sent in
by a listener is, why doesn't Tarzan do as much
swinging as he used to? Dr. Coyote, too old for
it. Oh, no. Wait a minute, doctor. Tarzan's my
subject. Furthermore, he's not too old. The man
is too old. No, no, no. It's just that his vines
aren't so good as they used to be. Actually,
I think we can dispense with that vine stuff,
Miss Missouri. We all know that he uses ropes.
Oh, wait a minute. He doesn't use ropes? I guess
I ought to know. Tarzan uses real genuine ropes.
See? I mean, he uses vines. Well, look, vines
are ropes. The fact is a 72 -year -old man is
not going to go swinging across the ravine. I
don't think Little Orphan Annie will ever see
45 again at this point. Wait, wait, now she's
getting a little senile. I mean, I noticed that
in her dialogue balloon. A little senile, eh?
Well, I think the way she's handing those criminals
in the canyon there doesn't look like the work
of an old lady, does it? I don't think it'll
wait. I don't think it'll wait. I don't think
it'll wait. I don't think it'll wait. I don't
think it'll wait. I don't think it'll wait. I
don't think it'll wait. I don't think it'll wait.
I certainly did. In fact, it went to sleep. We're
going to talk about criminals here. I think we
should leave that to the Dick Tracy expert. Oh,
that's a wonderful idea. All right. Now here's
our next question. Is Morin Plenty really guilty
of the triple murder? Now we're getting somewhere.
Never mind that. It's dull stuff. Dull. What
do you mean dull? Dull. Let's talk about some
of the orphan Annie characters. Punjab, for instance.
Now there's a man. Oh, Punjab. It sounds like
a misprint. a leopard with a four -inch letter
opener? Listen, you just probably clunk over
the leopard. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait
a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. I got
my hand up, I got my - Just once, one at a time.
Just one, please. You got your hand up, go ahead.
All right, I - You don't, you don't. Listen,
your hands still asleep? Will you let me talk?
I have to learn the language. Listen, I was under
the impression we were talking about Dick Tracy.
That's correct. Are we gonna play the game? Yeah!
Tracy is such a world -beater, how come he let
more than 20 sister -in -law put a 38 caliber
bullet in his skull? Yeah, how about that? Now,
how come that? It was a 22 short and it was just
a flesh wound. It didn't actually enter the skull.
Shall we just stick to the question? I just want
your opinion. That girl in the skimpy dress shot
him in the head. Ladies and gentlemen of the
radio audience, these are the opinions of our
panelists and do not necessarily represent the
opinions of CBS radio and its affiliates. The
question is now, is Moran Plenty guilty? Hmm?
Miss Missouri? Guilty. Dr. Coyne? Not guilty.
Mr. Spoon? I can't express my opinions on this
because I may be called in as an expert witness
at the time of the trial. I guess we have a hung
jury here tonight. Well, the next question, subject,
is wardrobe. Wardrobe. Yes, wardrobe. Does or
does not Orphan Annie have more than one red
dress? Hold Dr. Floyd's hand shut up. You're
first. Ah, yes. The man who received his doctor's
degree in Little Orphan Annie. You have got to
keep rubbing that in, don't you? I'm not rubbing
it in, sir. I'm merely stating a fact. I have
a doctor's degree. Dr. Floyd had his hand, you
know, up his nose. When he was a little kid,
he was a little fat, spoiled kid. I can tell
the type. I happen to know that Annie has a whole
closet full of dresses. It's not the same dress.
She changes them daily. Daily? Oh, please. I
can recognize the same dress day in and day out.
Madam, they are different. They're different
dresses. That is a fact. Take it from me. That's
my subject. She breaks them up with a nice little
blue sweater and a chic belt and scarf every
once in a while. Then how does she break up those
chic little white cotton stockings? Now she hasn't
changed those stockings in 25 years. I take that
as a personal affront, sir. A personal affront.
I intended it as so. Even if it were the same
pair of stockings, I think Annie would rinse
them out every night. It's so like her. It's
so like her. Oh, so like her. He rinses them
out. Take it from her. Listen, madam, you should
look that good in white cotton stock. Rich or
unrich. Hey, uh, Dwight, that Daddy Warbucks
is a pretty wealthy guy, right? Only one of the
top billionaires in the world, that's all. That's
all. Well, then why doesn't he spring for a few
bucks and get her a home permanent? Yeah! Yes,
I'm here. It really looks like a rat's nest.
A rat's nest, eh? Listen, madam, I noticed the
Marcel has gone out of Tarzan's hair lately.
Are you kidding? Well, he's wearing a hairpiece.
What? He's wearing a hairpiece. Well, I suppose
that crew cup that Dick Tracy affected is a derriere
Cree. Oh, no! Oh, oh, look at this gal. You hit
a man when he's down and wounded. He's up. He'll
probably get amnesia. No, the man's back on his
feet and serves him right, the big jerk. Big
jerk? That goes for Tarzan, too. Oh, no. Oh,
no, listen here, Dr. Whitestocking. You and so
do we. No, and he... Our time is up. And that's
the animals of our time. Yes, it is. I'm very
sure. And that concludes another episode of our
panel show. face the funniest. Now it's good
night to Mr. G .L. Spoon. If vandals kidnap you,
look for fingerprints on or about your person.
That's a crime stopper. Oh, indeed it is. And
Dr. Linus Quint? Yie. Arf, arf. Gloriosky, it's
been grand being here. Finally, Mrs. Edna St.
Louis, Missouri. Me? Panelist? You? Not originally.
And so it's good night until next week. Listen,
madam, I'd like to take a few points home. Now
for my next number. I'd like to sing a favorite.
It's a favorite of mine, and I hope it's a favorite
of yours. It's called the Rock Island Line, and
it goes like this. Now, this here's a story about
the Rock Island Line. Now, the Rock Island Line,
she run down into New Orleans. And just outside
of New Orleans, there's a big toll gate. Pardon
me. Pardon me. Pardon me. Pardon me. Yeah. Are
you going to sing the song, or read it, or what?
Well, I'm going to sing it, but first of all,
I always tell a little of the story behind the
Rock Island line. Sort of sketching a little
of the background, as it were. You are going
to sing it, though? Yeah, I get to it. Well,
let's get to it, then, eh? Okay. And all the
trains that come to the tollgate... Why'd he
get to pay the man some money? But of course,
if you got certain things on board, you're okay.
You don't have to pay the man nothing. I mean,
you're okay with him. All right, all right. Let's
step it right along. Let's snap it up. Snap it
up. Okay. And just now we see a train. She's
coming down the line. And she went and got up
to the toll gate. The driver he shot down and
the man he saved. I got pigs. I got horses. I
got cows. Look, you can't skip all of that. You
didn't let me name all the animals. Yes, I know,
but we don't need that. You didn't let me get
to the sheep. Well, that doesn't make any difference.
Well, it makes a difference to the sheep. Yes,
I know, but let's get the train rhythm going
and never mind the sheep, okay? Have the driver
say, I got whole livestock, I got whole livestock,
I got whole... I didn't mention the sheep. I
know, but let's skip the recitation. Let's get
to the meat of it. I come to the best part now.
I come to the part where the driver fool him.
He fool him? Yeah, he say... I fooled you, I
fooled you. Look, let's just sing the song. Let
me tell you how he fooled the throwgate driver
with the pig iron. Will you just sing the song?
Well, that's a payoff to the routine, you know.
I get big reactions to it in clubs. Will you
just sing the song, please? Well, okay. A lot
of people waiting to see our story... Will you
just sing the song? ...come out, you know. Will
you just sing the song? Well, okay. You've been
disappointed, that's all. I'll take the chance.
Okay. Hold a rock on in line. Here's the mighty
good road. Hold a rock on... You sure you don't
want the pig iron part? Okay? The line, here's
the line to right. Hold a rock on in line. Here's
the mighty good road. When it falls, the rider
got the rider right. You finally get the ticket.
That's it. Rock on in line. Mumbles, mumbles,
mumbles. What's this? Get your chickens at the
station? Get your ticket. Get your ticket at
the station. Oh, get your ticket at the station.
Try not to interrupt me, will ya? uh... but but
but but but but but but but but but but but but
but it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's
it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's
it's you're going to forget about the big guy.
Well, I'm just trying to sketch in a little of
the background. Yes, sketch in a little of the
background. You're going to release the record?
No, I don't think so. Okay. Okay. And also that's
part of my latest capital album entitled A Child's
Garden of Freeburg. Capital album number X144250.
Well, I'd like to tell you about next week's
show, but the entire script blew out of my producer's
car and he was arrested as a litter bug. As soon
as it gets up bail, why, I'll let you know. I
hope you'll be with us next week. Meanwhile,
this is Stan Freeberg saying thanks for being
with us. God bless you and good night. featuring
the music of Billy May, Judd Conlin for the Bears,
and the songs of Peggy Taylor, the Dorf Butler,
Peter Lee, and June Beret. Bud Sewell speaking.