WEBVTT

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Lucky Strike presents the Jack Benny program.

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The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny

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with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester,

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Dennis Day, and yours truly, Don. Ladies and

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gentlemen, since Jack has been in television,

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he wants to keep his weight down. At the moment,

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he's at his home in Beverly Hills in a steam

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cabinet trying to reduce. Rochester, I can stand

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in a little hotter. Turn up the steam, will you?

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Yes, sir. That's enough. Not too hot. Gee, I'm

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glad I bought this steam cabinet. How long have

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I been in here? About 10 minutes. I hope you're

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not taking too much. Well, what do the instructions

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say? Let's see. I'll read them. Men up to 20

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years old stay in cabinet not more than a half

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hour. A half hour. Men up to 25 years, no more

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than 20 minutes. 20 minutes? Men up to 30 years

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of age, no more than 15 minutes. 15. Men up to

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mm, mm, mm. What are you mm -mming about? According

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to this chart, I should have just dipped you

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in like a tea bag. Oh, stop. Gee, it's awfully

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hot in this cabinet. I think I'll get out. I

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better not open it for a couple of minutes. Why,

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haven't I had enough? Yeah, but the potatoes

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aren't done yet. Oh, darn it. Don't blame me,

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boss. It was your own idea. As long as we had

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the heat, you didn't want to waste it. Well...

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What a time I had talking you out of holding

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that leg like... I was just trying to economize,

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that's all. Anyway, it's too hot. Open it up,

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will you? I'm getting out. Yes, sir. Phew. Jeez,

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it's good to get out of here. Uh -oh, I'm afraid

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the heat was on a little too high. Why, am I

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red? Boss, if you had a pitchfork in your hand,

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you'd scare me to death. Well, I feel fine. Hand

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me my robe, Rochester. Yes, sir. I'll get it.

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Hello? Hello. In fact, the reason I called is

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that Wednesday I'm giving a little party at my

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house and I want to know if you can come. Well,

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certainly, Mary, thanks. Who else are you having?

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Well, I'm going to ask the whole cast of our

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show, your producer, your writers, and also your...

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My writers? Yes, I thought you might like to

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have them there. Why? You want to be the life

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of the party, don't you? Oh, yes, yes, they are

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funny looking. Well, I better hang up. I've got

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a lot of people to call. Bye, Jack. So long,

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Mary, and thanks. Rochester, next Wednesday night,

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Miss Livingston is giving a party, so I won't...

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Rochester! Rochester! Here I am, boss. Where

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were you? I heard the postman, so I went to get

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the mail. Oh. What came? Just some bills circular

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in your copy of Look magazine. Oh, let me see

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it. Hey, Rochester. Rochester, there's a picture

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of you and me on the cover. On the cover of Look?

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Let me see it, boss. Yeah! What are you laughing

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at? I bet I'm the only man in the world who ever

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had his picture on the cover of a magazine and

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couldn't afford to buy it. Oh, you do all right.

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I don't know. I just bought a toothbrush on installment

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plan. Entalment. What would that mean? It's not

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my fault. If you saved your... Rochester, see

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who that is while I finish getting dressed. Yes,

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sir. Sure, in regards to the pleasure to greet

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such a fine broth of a lad on this day, the likes

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of which I haven't seen in years, how do you

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do, how do you do? Who is it, Rochester? Your

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name, Mr. Kitzel. Well, who is it? Sure, and

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to the son of the old side himself, Dennis Pa...

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Patrick Alley wishes Jeremiah McNulty your day.

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Oh, come on in, Dennis. And look, kid, tomorrow

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is St. Patrick's Day. Aren't you a little early

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with your brogue? No, I'm practicing. I'll have

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to talk like this all day tomorrow. You have

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to talk like that all day? Yeah, if you don't,

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they rip off your shamrock, take a chilele, and

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break all your Morton Downey records. Oh, well,

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you know, Dennis, I've always thought that St.

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Patrick's Day comes at the wrong time of the

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year. Yeah, what do you mean? Well, how can March

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17th be dedicated to the wearing of the green

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when only two days before, the government takes

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it all away from you? Now, Dennis, let's stop

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talking. Just let me hear the song you're gonna

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do on the program. Yes, sir. Hold it, kid. Hello?

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Hello, Jack. This is Mary again. Oh, what is

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it, Mary? Well, I called Dennis' house to invite

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him to my party, and his mother told me he's

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at your house. Is he there? Yes. Dennis, Mary

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wants you on the phone. Eh, these dames, they

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won't let me alone. Never mind, just talk to

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her. Yes, sir. Hello, Mary. Hello, Dennis. Look,

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I'm having a party on Wednesday night. Would

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you like to come? On Wednesday? Yes. Do you mind

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if I bring my neighbor, Hedy Lamarr? Your neighbor,

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Hedy Lamarr? Yeah. Dennis, I happen to know Hedy

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Lamarr lives in Benedict Canyon, and you live

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in Westwood. Oh, yeah, Hedy Lamarr's house is

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right next to mine. Since when? Ever since the

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rain. Goodbye, Dennis. Bring anyone who floats

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by. Gee, thanks, Mary. Goodbye. Bye. Say, Mr.

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Penny, when I go to Mary's party, I'm gonna bring...

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Hello? Dennis, I forgot to tell you something.

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What? Don't drive Jack nuts. Just sing your song.

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Okay. Dennis? Quiet. I'm gonna sing. Oh, all

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right. Does it still run down to Johnny Cole?

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Well, if it's so good, how about a raise? You

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know, Dennis, on second thought, instead of singing

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Glocka Moore on the program, why don't you sing

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the song I wrote? When you say I beg your pardon,

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then I'll come back to you. I don't sell any

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copies, but it sure gets rid of pests. Oh, Rochester.

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Rochester. Yes, boss? I'm awfully hungry. What

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does my diet say I can have for lunch? A piece

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of rye crisp and a hard -boiled egg. That's all

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I'm supposed to eat for lunch? No, you just feel

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it for lunch. You eat it for dinner. Oh, for

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heaven's sakes. That's the strictest diet I have.

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Come in. What's up, Jackson? What's the matter,

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Phil? You sound depressed. Yeah, I am. I just

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came back from the doctor. The doctor? What's

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wrong? Well, a couple of weeks ago I became allergic

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to something and I broke out from the rash on

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my back. It's just something awful. Oh, that's

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a shame. Yeah, so I went to the doctor and every

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day he's been testing me to find out what I'm

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allergic to and today I found out. Alcohol. No.

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Yeah. Only way I can get rid of this itch is

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to stop drinking entirely. Oh. Well, what are

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you gonna do? Grow long fingernails. I'm in for

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a lot of scratching. By the way, Jackson, I've

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been meaning to tell you I saw you on TV last

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week and, man, you look wonderful. Well, thanks,

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Phil, but I don't deserve all the credit. I had

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the best makeup man in the country. Oh, really?

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Yes, he's the same one who made up President

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Truman for his last television speech. Yeah,

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hold it a minute. Why would President Truman

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want to use makeup? Phil, if you were asking

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for $8 billion, you'd want to look good, too.

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give it to me regardless of how I look. Well,

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she can probably... Hello? Oh, it's me again,

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Jack. Oh, what is it now, Mary? Well, I called

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Phil's house and nobody answered and I was wondering

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if he's over there. Yes, he is. Just a second.

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Phil, it's for you. It's Mary. Oh. Hello, Lily,

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you doll. I'd like you and Alice to come. Yeah,

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okay Liv, we'll be there. Hey, say, you want

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me to bring my orchestra boys along too? No,

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no, Phil, I haven't got room for 36 more people.

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What do you mean 36? I only got 18 fellas in

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my band. Yeah, what about their parole officers?

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Yeah, I almost forgot about them cats. No. Sammy,

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my drummer? No. Now, wait a minute. I've got

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to bring at least one of my boys. Why? Somebody's

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got to scratch my back. Phil, I don't know what

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you're talking about, but if your back itches,

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can't you scratch it yourself? No, I'll be using

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both hands to pour the stuff that makes it itch.

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Phil, I don't understand. Anyway, will you come

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to my party? Natch, I'll be there, Liv. Thanks.

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Okay, bye. Mary invited you to the party too,

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eh, Phil? Yeah. Your lunch is ready, Mr. Benny.

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Oh, thanks, Rochester. Hey, Jackson, I'm kind

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of hungry. I think I'll stay and have some lunch

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with you. Oh. Oh, you want to eat here, huh?

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When you say I beg your pardon... It works every

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time. I got the song right that time. When you

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say I beg your pardon... Gee, I mustn't forget

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my own melody. What about my lunch? Good lunch,

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Rochester. Sure, bring it in here or will you

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feel it in the dining room? Rochester, I'm not

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gonna stick to that silly diet. I want something

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to eat and I'm not gonna worry. Come in. Oh,

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hello, Don. Hello, Jack. Come on in, fellas.

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Well, Don, since you brought the sportsman with

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you, I suppose you want me to hear the commercial

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they're gonna do. Oh, yes, Jack. You'll be proud

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of this one. We stayed up all night and really

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came up with something sensational. Well, good,

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good. But, Don... I had a number I wanted the

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boys to do a commercial on. You know that new

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song called, uh, Cry? Cry? While they're singing,

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Be Happy Go Lucky? I oughta slap your face. Now,

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well, Don, what's the song you have prepared?

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Well, since tomorrow's St. Patrick's Day, we're

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going to do a medley of Irish songs. Oh, that's

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fine. Who gave you the idea? Dennis. Okay, let's

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hear it, boys. Smoking pleasure, round and firm

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and with no loose end. They say Ireland is heaven

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and we're not a -doubting it. That is why Dennis

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is always a -shouting us. Give us a lucky and

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we'll take Kentucky where they go to pack us

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alive and so fine. Ellis's, Ellis's, Ellis's,

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Ellis's, Ellis's, Ellis's, Ellis's, Ellis's,

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Ellis's, Ellis's, Ellis's, Ellis's, Ellis's,

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Ellis's, Ellis's, I'd like you and the sportsman

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to make a commercial out of the song I wrote.

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When you say I beg your... How do you like that?

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They all got out at once. Oh, well. Gosh, I'm

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hungry. These diets are murder. I'm gonna eat

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something. Oh, Rochester! Rochester, come here

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a minute, will you? Yes, boss. Look, Rochester,

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I'm really hungry. What's in the refrigerator?

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Dennis Dave. he opened the wrong door. Oh, well,

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leave him there for a while. I don't want to

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hear his explanation of how it happened. Anyway,

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Rochester, just make me a sandwich out of, uh...

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Boss, why are you staring out the window? What?

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Why are you staring out the window? Those two

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men. Those two men across the street. They just

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stepped off the curb and they're coming this

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way. Yes? We're from the income tax department.

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Oh, yes. You're the same men who were here last

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year. Come in. Your name is, uh... is Mr. Kearns,

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isn't it? Yes, and this is my assistant, Mr.

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Wright. Wright? How do you do? Gentlemen, if

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you've come about my income tax, I've already

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sent it in. Oh, Mr. Benny, we're not here to

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discuss this year's taxes. We'd like to talk

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to you again about last year's. Last year's?

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I thought that was settled. We went over it so

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many times. Then when I didn't hear from you

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again, I assumed that nothing was wrong. I thought

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that everything was right. How do you do? Mr.

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Bennet, we're still trying to help you. Help

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me? And we feel that you must have made a mistake

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in your last year's return. A mistake? Yes. We

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can't understand how a man who earned over $300

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,000 could only spend $17 from entertainment.

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Well, that's all I spent. I can prove it to you.

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Rochester, get my books out of my desk drawer.

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Yes, sir. There's no need. I'm gonna prove it

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to you for once and for all. But Mr. Benny...

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This drawer here on the left? No, the right.

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How do you do? Now cut that out! For heaven's

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sake! Mr. Benny, no one shouts at a tax collector.

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Oh, I'm... I'm sorry. Mr. Benny, believe me,

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we're here to help you. I know, I know. Yes,

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we don't think you're taking full advantage of

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deductible items. I'm not? Here are your books,

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boss. Thanks. Take your butler, for instance.

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You mean Rochester? Yes. Even though he's your

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butler, if he assists you in any way pertaining

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to the production of your radio or television

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shows or any of your other business activities,

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then that portion of his pay is deductible. You

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mean... Yes. In other words, under those conditions,

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you could split his salary. Split my salary?

00:20:38.079 --> 00:20:40.980
Yes. Gentlemen, they split infinitism, they split

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the atom. But I defy anybody to split my salary.

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Rochester, this is no time... Just a moment,

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Mr. Benny. Rochester, are you inferring that

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your salary is that small? Well, in Santa Anita,

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colloquialism... It starts off pretty good, but

00:21:03.309 --> 00:21:05.289
something always happens to it coming around

00:21:05.289 --> 00:21:10.269
a far turn. What do you mean? Well, every payday,

00:21:10.289 --> 00:21:12.509
Mr. Benny sits me down and explains how he has

00:21:12.509 --> 00:21:14.490
to make certain deductions out of my salary.

00:21:15.009 --> 00:21:17.309
So much for withholding, so much for unemployment

00:21:17.309 --> 00:21:20.069
insurance, and so much for Social Security. Then

00:21:20.069 --> 00:21:22.049
he further explains that what remains is known

00:21:22.049 --> 00:21:24.670
as take -home pay. That's right, take -home pay.

00:21:24.849 --> 00:21:26.849
Then he points out that I'm living at his home,

00:21:26.890 --> 00:21:38.740
so he takes it. Mr. Benny, is that right? How

00:21:38.740 --> 00:21:43.200
do you do? I can play that game too, brother.

00:21:45.039 --> 00:21:47.619
Mr. Benny, I just looked in the book that Rochester

00:21:47.619 --> 00:21:50.059
brought you and there's an item that interests

00:21:50.059 --> 00:21:53.240
me. Which item is that? This one here. Income

00:21:53.240 --> 00:21:56.420
from violin engagement, approximately three dollars.

00:21:57.039 --> 00:22:00.099
Yes, I filled in that entry myself. But why is

00:22:00.099 --> 00:22:03.220
it approximately three dollars? Well, I was playing

00:22:03.220 --> 00:22:06.480
my violin at the opening of a butcher shop. And

00:22:06.480 --> 00:22:10.079
they gave me two pounds of meat. They gave you

00:22:10.079 --> 00:22:12.599
two pounds of meat for playing your violin? They

00:22:12.599 --> 00:22:14.180
didn't give it to him. Somebody hit him with

00:22:14.180 --> 00:22:18.440
a round stick. Well, I brought it home. What's

00:22:18.440 --> 00:22:23.759
the difference? That brings up a point, Mr. Benny.

00:22:24.039 --> 00:22:26.460
If you receive revenue playing your violin, then

00:22:26.460 --> 00:22:28.640
the money you spend on its upkeep and repair

00:22:28.640 --> 00:22:32.160
is deductible. It is? Yes. You see, Mr. Benny,

00:22:32.519 --> 00:22:37.259
we're trying to help you. I know. I know. For

00:22:37.259 --> 00:22:39.420
instance, Mr. Benny, how many strings do you

00:22:39.420 --> 00:22:41.779
buy for your violin? Raws and pegs, bridges,

00:22:42.019 --> 00:22:44.369
repairing your bow, and so forth. Well, I don't

00:22:44.369 --> 00:22:45.990
know. You see, I get everything through my violin

00:22:45.990 --> 00:22:48.250
teacher. He keeps track of all that. Well, in

00:22:48.250 --> 00:22:50.569
that case, in order to help you, would you mind

00:22:50.569 --> 00:22:52.650
if we talk to your violin teacher? No, no, not

00:22:52.650 --> 00:22:55.769
at all. His name is Professor LeBlanc. His address

00:22:55.769 --> 00:22:58.650
is 6212 Iman Avenue. It's on the other side of

00:22:58.650 --> 00:23:09.049
town. We'll find it. Come on, Joe. Well, Bill,

00:23:09.089 --> 00:23:13.470
there it is. 6212 Iman Avenue. Yeah. What a rundown.

00:23:13.369 --> 00:23:26.490
Let's go in. Oh, here's his room. Professor LeBlanc,

00:23:26.869 --> 00:23:34.049
violin teacher. Yeah. Professor LeBlanc? Oui.

00:23:34.329 --> 00:23:37.509
We're from the income tax department. Income

00:23:37.509 --> 00:23:42.130
tax? Income tax! Gentlemen, look at me! See for

00:23:42.130 --> 00:23:45.299
yourself! I am barefoot! My clothes are torn!

00:23:45.380 --> 00:23:48.619
Professor! I sleep on a hard spring! I ate the

00:23:48.619 --> 00:23:53.940
mattress! In contact! Professor! Control yourself!

00:23:54.839 --> 00:23:56.380
Yes, we're here to talk to you about one of your

00:23:56.380 --> 00:24:01.000
pupils, uh, Mr. Benny. Ah, about Mr. Benny? Come

00:24:01.000 --> 00:24:03.339
in, come in. Perhaps I can help you send him

00:24:03.339 --> 00:24:09.940
to the Bastille. Professor, we just want to find

00:24:09.940 --> 00:24:12.460
out how much money Mr. Benny spent on his violin.

00:24:13.599 --> 00:24:17.859
Money? Yes. Don't you have any books? Uh -oh,

00:24:17.859 --> 00:24:20.700
we? I have written three books about Mr. Benny,

00:24:20.740 --> 00:24:23.859
but the publishers would not believe them. No,

00:24:23.859 --> 00:24:25.940
no, we mean records, financial records. We want

00:24:25.940 --> 00:24:29.180
to know what expenses Mr. Benny's incurred in

00:24:29.180 --> 00:24:32.380
the upkeep of his violin. Oh, that I do not know.

00:24:32.799 --> 00:24:35.079
I just charge him so much for the lesson, and

00:24:35.079 --> 00:24:37.380
that includes everything. Oh, well, perhaps we

00:24:37.380 --> 00:24:39.769
could break that down. How much do you charge

00:24:39.769 --> 00:24:42.390
him for the lesson? Well, he is supposed to give

00:24:42.390 --> 00:24:46.349
me two dollars, but before every lesson, Monsieur

00:24:46.349 --> 00:24:49.349
Bene sits me down and explains how he has to

00:24:49.349 --> 00:24:52.650
make certain deductions out of my salary. So

00:24:52.650 --> 00:24:55.490
much for withholding, so much for unemployment

00:24:55.490 --> 00:24:59.210
insurance, and so much for social security. Then

00:24:59.210 --> 00:25:01.769
he further explains that what remains is known

00:25:01.769 --> 00:25:03.910
as take home. Uh, come on, Bill, we've heard

00:25:03.910 --> 00:25:07.940
this before. Yes. Thank you, Professor LeBlanc.

00:25:08.200 --> 00:25:10.740
You're welcome, gentlemen. Oh, by the way, Professor,

00:25:10.819 --> 00:25:13.099
we've never heard Mr. Benny play the violin.

00:25:13.519 --> 00:25:17.980
How does he sound? Sound? Well, gentlemen, let

00:25:17.980 --> 00:25:21.259
me explain. The strings on a violin are made

00:25:21.259 --> 00:25:25.480
of catgut, and the violin bow is made from horse

00:25:25.480 --> 00:25:28.519
hair. Mm -hmm. So if you want to know how Mr.

00:25:28.819 --> 00:25:32.460
Benny's violin playing sounds, think of a cat

00:25:32.460 --> 00:25:47.140
being stepped on by a horse. Yes, we understand.

00:25:47.619 --> 00:25:49.619
Well, goodbye, Professor LeBlanc. Goodbye, gentlemen.

00:26:00.839 --> 00:26:04.460
Say, Bill... Yes, Joe? Why are we going to all

00:26:04.460 --> 00:26:07.420
this trouble just to help Mr. Benny? I don't

00:26:07.420 --> 00:26:10.019
know. There's something about those big blue

00:26:10.019 --> 00:26:11.279
eyes that gets you.