Lucky Strike presents the Jack Benny program.
The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny
with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester,
Dennis Day, and yours truly, Don. Ladies and
gentlemen, since Jack has been in television,
he wants to keep his weight down. At the moment,
he's at his home in Beverly Hills in a steam
cabinet trying to reduce. Rochester, I can stand
in a little hotter. Turn up the steam, will you?
Yes, sir. That's enough. Not too hot. Gee, I'm
glad I bought this steam cabinet. How long have
I been in here? About 10 minutes. I hope you're
not taking too much. Well, what do the instructions
say? Let's see. I'll read them. Men up to 20
years old stay in cabinet not more than a half
hour. A half hour. Men up to 25 years, no more
than 20 minutes. 20 minutes? Men up to 30 years
of age, no more than 15 minutes. 15. Men up to
mm, mm, mm. What are you mm -mming about? According
to this chart, I should have just dipped you
in like a tea bag. Oh, stop. Gee, it's awfully
hot in this cabinet. I think I'll get out. I
better not open it for a couple of minutes. Why,
haven't I had enough? Yeah, but the potatoes
aren't done yet. Oh, darn it. Don't blame me,
boss. It was your own idea. As long as we had
the heat, you didn't want to waste it. Well...
What a time I had talking you out of holding
that leg like... I was just trying to economize,
that's all. Anyway, it's too hot. Open it up,
will you? I'm getting out. Yes, sir. Phew. Jeez,
it's good to get out of here. Uh -oh, I'm afraid
the heat was on a little too high. Why, am I
red? Boss, if you had a pitchfork in your hand,
you'd scare me to death. Well, I feel fine. Hand
me my robe, Rochester. Yes, sir. I'll get it.
Hello? Hello. In fact, the reason I called is
that Wednesday I'm giving a little party at my
house and I want to know if you can come. Well,
certainly, Mary, thanks. Who else are you having?
Well, I'm going to ask the whole cast of our
show, your producer, your writers, and also your...
My writers? Yes, I thought you might like to
have them there. Why? You want to be the life
of the party, don't you? Oh, yes, yes, they are
funny looking. Well, I better hang up. I've got
a lot of people to call. Bye, Jack. So long,
Mary, and thanks. Rochester, next Wednesday night,
Miss Livingston is giving a party, so I won't...
Rochester! Rochester! Here I am, boss. Where
were you? I heard the postman, so I went to get
the mail. Oh. What came? Just some bills circular
in your copy of Look magazine. Oh, let me see
it. Hey, Rochester. Rochester, there's a picture
of you and me on the cover. On the cover of Look?
Let me see it, boss. Yeah! What are you laughing
at? I bet I'm the only man in the world who ever
had his picture on the cover of a magazine and
couldn't afford to buy it. Oh, you do all right.
I don't know. I just bought a toothbrush on installment
plan. Entalment. What would that mean? It's not
my fault. If you saved your... Rochester, see
who that is while I finish getting dressed. Yes,
sir. Sure, in regards to the pleasure to greet
such a fine broth of a lad on this day, the likes
of which I haven't seen in years, how do you
do, how do you do? Who is it, Rochester? Your
name, Mr. Kitzel. Well, who is it? Sure, and
to the son of the old side himself, Dennis Pa...
Patrick Alley wishes Jeremiah McNulty your day.
Oh, come on in, Dennis. And look, kid, tomorrow
is St. Patrick's Day. Aren't you a little early
with your brogue? No, I'm practicing. I'll have
to talk like this all day tomorrow. You have
to talk like that all day? Yeah, if you don't,
they rip off your shamrock, take a chilele, and
break all your Morton Downey records. Oh, well,
you know, Dennis, I've always thought that St.
Patrick's Day comes at the wrong time of the
year. Yeah, what do you mean? Well, how can March
17th be dedicated to the wearing of the green
when only two days before, the government takes
it all away from you? Now, Dennis, let's stop
talking. Just let me hear the song you're gonna
do on the program. Yes, sir. Hold it, kid. Hello?
Hello, Jack. This is Mary again. Oh, what is
it, Mary? Well, I called Dennis' house to invite
him to my party, and his mother told me he's
at your house. Is he there? Yes. Dennis, Mary
wants you on the phone. Eh, these dames, they
won't let me alone. Never mind, just talk to
her. Yes, sir. Hello, Mary. Hello, Dennis. Look,
I'm having a party on Wednesday night. Would
you like to come? On Wednesday? Yes. Do you mind
if I bring my neighbor, Hedy Lamarr? Your neighbor,
Hedy Lamarr? Yeah. Dennis, I happen to know Hedy
Lamarr lives in Benedict Canyon, and you live
in Westwood. Oh, yeah, Hedy Lamarr's house is
right next to mine. Since when? Ever since the
rain. Goodbye, Dennis. Bring anyone who floats
by. Gee, thanks, Mary. Goodbye. Bye. Say, Mr.
Penny, when I go to Mary's party, I'm gonna bring...
Hello? Dennis, I forgot to tell you something.
What? Don't drive Jack nuts. Just sing your song.
Okay. Dennis? Quiet. I'm gonna sing. Oh, all
right. Does it still run down to Johnny Cole?
Well, if it's so good, how about a raise? You
know, Dennis, on second thought, instead of singing
Glocka Moore on the program, why don't you sing
the song I wrote? When you say I beg your pardon,
then I'll come back to you. I don't sell any
copies, but it sure gets rid of pests. Oh, Rochester.
Rochester. Yes, boss? I'm awfully hungry. What
does my diet say I can have for lunch? A piece
of rye crisp and a hard -boiled egg. That's all
I'm supposed to eat for lunch? No, you just feel
it for lunch. You eat it for dinner. Oh, for
heaven's sakes. That's the strictest diet I have.
Come in. What's up, Jackson? What's the matter,
Phil? You sound depressed. Yeah, I am. I just
came back from the doctor. The doctor? What's
wrong? Well, a couple of weeks ago I became allergic
to something and I broke out from the rash on
my back. It's just something awful. Oh, that's
a shame. Yeah, so I went to the doctor and every
day he's been testing me to find out what I'm
allergic to and today I found out. Alcohol. No.
Yeah. Only way I can get rid of this itch is
to stop drinking entirely. Oh. Well, what are
you gonna do? Grow long fingernails. I'm in for
a lot of scratching. By the way, Jackson, I've
been meaning to tell you I saw you on TV last
week and, man, you look wonderful. Well, thanks,
Phil, but I don't deserve all the credit. I had
the best makeup man in the country. Oh, really?
Yes, he's the same one who made up President
Truman for his last television speech. Yeah,
hold it a minute. Why would President Truman
want to use makeup? Phil, if you were asking
for $8 billion, you'd want to look good, too.
give it to me regardless of how I look. Well,
she can probably... Hello? Oh, it's me again,
Jack. Oh, what is it now, Mary? Well, I called
Phil's house and nobody answered and I was wondering
if he's over there. Yes, he is. Just a second.
Phil, it's for you. It's Mary. Oh. Hello, Lily,
you doll. I'd like you and Alice to come. Yeah,
okay Liv, we'll be there. Hey, say, you want
me to bring my orchestra boys along too? No,
no, Phil, I haven't got room for 36 more people.
What do you mean 36? I only got 18 fellas in
my band. Yeah, what about their parole officers?
Yeah, I almost forgot about them cats. No. Sammy,
my drummer? No. Now, wait a minute. I've got
to bring at least one of my boys. Why? Somebody's
got to scratch my back. Phil, I don't know what
you're talking about, but if your back itches,
can't you scratch it yourself? No, I'll be using
both hands to pour the stuff that makes it itch.
Phil, I don't understand. Anyway, will you come
to my party? Natch, I'll be there, Liv. Thanks.
Okay, bye. Mary invited you to the party too,
eh, Phil? Yeah. Your lunch is ready, Mr. Benny.
Oh, thanks, Rochester. Hey, Jackson, I'm kind
of hungry. I think I'll stay and have some lunch
with you. Oh. Oh, you want to eat here, huh?
When you say I beg your pardon... It works every
time. I got the song right that time. When you
say I beg your pardon... Gee, I mustn't forget
my own melody. What about my lunch? Good lunch,
Rochester. Sure, bring it in here or will you
feel it in the dining room? Rochester, I'm not
gonna stick to that silly diet. I want something
to eat and I'm not gonna worry. Come in. Oh,
hello, Don. Hello, Jack. Come on in, fellas.
Well, Don, since you brought the sportsman with
you, I suppose you want me to hear the commercial
they're gonna do. Oh, yes, Jack. You'll be proud
of this one. We stayed up all night and really
came up with something sensational. Well, good,
good. But, Don... I had a number I wanted the
boys to do a commercial on. You know that new
song called, uh, Cry? Cry? While they're singing,
Be Happy Go Lucky? I oughta slap your face. Now,
well, Don, what's the song you have prepared?
Well, since tomorrow's St. Patrick's Day, we're
going to do a medley of Irish songs. Oh, that's
fine. Who gave you the idea? Dennis. Okay, let's
hear it, boys. Smoking pleasure, round and firm
and with no loose end. They say Ireland is heaven
and we're not a -doubting it. That is why Dennis
is always a -shouting us. Give us a lucky and
we'll take Kentucky where they go to pack us
alive and so fine. Ellis's, Ellis's, Ellis's,
Ellis's, Ellis's, Ellis's, Ellis's, Ellis's,
Ellis's, Ellis's, I'd like you and the sportsman
to make a commercial out of the song I wrote.
When you say I beg your... How do you like that?
They all got out at once. Oh, well. Gosh, I'm
hungry. These diets are murder. I'm gonna eat
something. Oh, Rochester! Rochester, come here
a minute, will you? Yes, boss. Look, Rochester,
I'm really hungry. What's in the refrigerator?
Dennis Dave. he opened the wrong door. Oh, well,
leave him there for a while. I don't want to
hear his explanation of how it happened. Anyway,
Rochester, just make me a sandwich out of, uh...
Boss, why are you staring out the window? What?
Why are you staring out the window? Those two
men. Those two men across the street. They just
stepped off the curb and they're coming this
way. Yes? We're from the income tax department.
Oh, yes. You're the same men who were here last
year. Come in. Your name is, uh... is Mr. Kearns,
isn't it? Yes, and this is my assistant, Mr.
Wright. Wright? How do you do? Gentlemen, if
you've come about my income tax, I've already
sent it in. Oh, Mr. Benny, we're not here to
discuss this year's taxes. We'd like to talk
to you again about last year's. Last year's?
I thought that was settled. We went over it so
many times. Then when I didn't hear from you
again, I assumed that nothing was wrong. I thought
that everything was right. How do you do? Mr.
Bennet, we're still trying to help you. Help
me? And we feel that you must have made a mistake
in your last year's return. A mistake? Yes. We
can't understand how a man who earned over $300
,000 could only spend $17 from entertainment.
Well, that's all I spent. I can prove it to you.
Rochester, get my books out of my desk drawer.
Yes, sir. There's no need. I'm gonna prove it
to you for once and for all. But Mr. Benny...
This drawer here on the left? No, the right.
How do you do? Now cut that out! For heaven's
sake! Mr. Benny, no one shouts at a tax collector.
Oh, I'm... I'm sorry. Mr. Benny, believe me,
we're here to help you. I know, I know. Yes,
we don't think you're taking full advantage of
deductible items. I'm not? Here are your books,
boss. Thanks. Take your butler, for instance.
You mean Rochester? Yes. Even though he's your
butler, if he assists you in any way pertaining
to the production of your radio or television
shows or any of your other business activities,
then that portion of his pay is deductible. You
mean... Yes. In other words, under those conditions,
you could split his salary. Split my salary?
Yes. Gentlemen, they split infinitism, they split
the atom. But I defy anybody to split my salary.
Rochester, this is no time... Just a moment,
Mr. Benny. Rochester, are you inferring that
your salary is that small? Well, in Santa Anita,
colloquialism... It starts off pretty good, but
something always happens to it coming around
a far turn. What do you mean? Well, every payday,
Mr. Benny sits me down and explains how he has
to make certain deductions out of my salary.
So much for withholding, so much for unemployment
insurance, and so much for Social Security. Then
he further explains that what remains is known
as take -home pay. That's right, take -home pay.
Then he points out that I'm living at his home,
so he takes it. Mr. Benny, is that right? How
do you do? I can play that game too, brother.
Mr. Benny, I just looked in the book that Rochester
brought you and there's an item that interests
me. Which item is that? This one here. Income
from violin engagement, approximately three dollars.
Yes, I filled in that entry myself. But why is
it approximately three dollars? Well, I was playing
my violin at the opening of a butcher shop. And
they gave me two pounds of meat. They gave you
two pounds of meat for playing your violin? They
didn't give it to him. Somebody hit him with
a round stick. Well, I brought it home. What's
the difference? That brings up a point, Mr. Benny.
If you receive revenue playing your violin, then
the money you spend on its upkeep and repair
is deductible. It is? Yes. You see, Mr. Benny,
we're trying to help you. I know. I know. For
instance, Mr. Benny, how many strings do you
buy for your violin? Raws and pegs, bridges,
repairing your bow, and so forth. Well, I don't
know. You see, I get everything through my violin
teacher. He keeps track of all that. Well, in
that case, in order to help you, would you mind
if we talk to your violin teacher? No, no, not
at all. His name is Professor LeBlanc. His address
is 6212 Iman Avenue. It's on the other side of
town. We'll find it. Come on, Joe. Well, Bill,
there it is. 6212 Iman Avenue. Yeah. What a rundown.
Let's go in. Oh, here's his room. Professor LeBlanc,
violin teacher. Yeah. Professor LeBlanc? Oui.
We're from the income tax department. Income
tax? Income tax! Gentlemen, look at me! See for
yourself! I am barefoot! My clothes are torn!
Professor! I sleep on a hard spring! I ate the
mattress! In contact! Professor! Control yourself!
Yes, we're here to talk to you about one of your
pupils, uh, Mr. Benny. Ah, about Mr. Benny? Come
in, come in. Perhaps I can help you send him
to the Bastille. Professor, we just want to find
out how much money Mr. Benny spent on his violin.
Money? Yes. Don't you have any books? Uh -oh,
we? I have written three books about Mr. Benny,
but the publishers would not believe them. No,
no, we mean records, financial records. We want
to know what expenses Mr. Benny's incurred in
the upkeep of his violin. Oh, that I do not know.
I just charge him so much for the lesson, and
that includes everything. Oh, well, perhaps we
could break that down. How much do you charge
him for the lesson? Well, he is supposed to give
me two dollars, but before every lesson, Monsieur
Bene sits me down and explains how he has to
make certain deductions out of my salary. So
much for withholding, so much for unemployment
insurance, and so much for social security. Then
he further explains that what remains is known
as take home. Uh, come on, Bill, we've heard
this before. Yes. Thank you, Professor LeBlanc.
You're welcome, gentlemen. Oh, by the way, Professor,
we've never heard Mr. Benny play the violin.
How does he sound? Sound? Well, gentlemen, let
me explain. The strings on a violin are made
of catgut, and the violin bow is made from horse
hair. Mm -hmm. So if you want to know how Mr.
Benny's violin playing sounds, think of a cat
being stepped on by a horse. Yes, we understand.
Well, goodbye, Professor LeBlanc. Goodbye, gentlemen.
Say, Bill... Yes, Joe? Why are we going to all
this trouble just to help Mr. Benny? I don't
know. There's something about those big blue
eyes that gets you.