WEBVTT 00:00:11.439 --> 00:00:14.160 Today on Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. 00:00:14.240 --> 00:00:18.000 How often do you and your spouse really talk? 00:00:18.199 --> 00:00:21.600 How often with your husband or with your wife 00:00:21.600 --> 00:00:25.399 do you have a heart -to -heart conversation that 00:00:25.399 --> 00:00:28.879 you walk away and say, wow, such a deep connection. 00:00:29.000 --> 00:00:32.560 That was wonderful. If you want help in having 00:00:32.560 --> 00:00:36.899 more of that, then stay with me. Most marriages 00:00:36.899 --> 00:00:40.100 settle for basic self -help tips to improve compatibility. 00:00:40.750 --> 00:00:42.929 But real transformation happens when you stop 00:00:42.929 --> 00:00:46.070 living for God's approval and start living from 00:00:46.070 --> 00:00:48.770 it. On this weekend edition of Living on the 00:00:48.770 --> 00:00:51.509 Edge, Chip Ingram shows how believing your true 00:00:51.509 --> 00:00:54.549 identity changes everything about how you love 00:00:54.549 --> 00:00:58.109 your mate. You're already chosen, holy, and deeply 00:00:58.109 --> 00:01:00.750 loved. When that truth sinks into your heart, 00:01:00.869 --> 00:01:03.189 you'll naturally dress appropriately, putting 00:01:03.189 --> 00:01:05.870 on compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, 00:01:06.069 --> 00:01:08.769 and patience. It's not about performing better. 00:01:08.849 --> 00:01:11.310 It's about understanding who you already are 00:01:11.310 --> 00:01:13.870 in Christ. Well, here's Chip Ingram with his 00:01:13.870 --> 00:01:16.370 message, Effectively Communicating God's Love 00:01:16.370 --> 00:01:19.650 to Your Mate. Our text is Colossians chapter 00:01:19.650 --> 00:01:25.069 3, verses 12 through 17. And it starts out with 00:01:25.069 --> 00:01:27.609 what we already possess. So as those who've been 00:01:27.609 --> 00:01:32.689 chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart 00:01:32.689 --> 00:01:36.340 of compassion, kindness, humility. gentleness, 00:01:36.560 --> 00:01:39.959 and patience. So putting on a heart of compassion, 00:01:40.159 --> 00:01:43.760 compassion is empathy to action versus being 00:01:43.760 --> 00:01:46.579 cynical. You talk about something that'll change 00:01:46.579 --> 00:01:48.560 your marriage more than any technique or any 00:01:48.560 --> 00:01:52.700 skill, you start putting on a heart of compassion. 00:01:53.099 --> 00:01:55.980 The second, he says, put on a heart of kindness. 00:01:56.700 --> 00:02:00.799 Kindness is whatever is helpful, beneficial versus 00:02:00.799 --> 00:02:05.310 being critical. Third is humility. It means putting 00:02:05.310 --> 00:02:09.030 their needs first. The next is gentleness. It's 00:02:09.030 --> 00:02:12.349 strength under control, especially your emotions. 00:02:12.830 --> 00:02:15.909 It's the opposite of being harsh, demanding. 00:02:16.710 --> 00:02:19.289 Those looks that say to your mate, did you do 00:02:19.289 --> 00:02:22.270 that again? The look that says, don't you ever 00:02:22.270 --> 00:02:25.330 do anything right to one of your kids. It's gentle. 00:02:25.750 --> 00:02:28.650 It's approachable. Put on a heart of patience. 00:02:28.789 --> 00:02:32.569 It means to endure with a good attitude. 2 Peter 00:02:32.569 --> 00:02:35.680 3 .9. He says, you know, people, he was talking 00:02:35.680 --> 00:02:37.919 about, you know, he's coming back. And everyone 00:02:37.919 --> 00:02:39.800 goes, yeah, yeah, right, he's coming back. You've 00:02:39.800 --> 00:02:41.860 been saying that for a long time. And Peter says, 00:02:41.960 --> 00:02:45.120 you don't understand. God is not slow as some 00:02:45.120 --> 00:02:48.219 think slow. For to him, a day in a thousand years 00:02:48.219 --> 00:02:53.180 is the same. He is patient, macrothumos. Can 00:02:53.180 --> 00:02:57.860 you hear the two words? Macrothumos, heat. It's 00:02:57.860 --> 00:03:01.759 dispersed. He wants all to be saved, to all to 00:03:01.759 --> 00:03:05.990 come to repentance. It's putting up with, enduring. 00:03:07.150 --> 00:03:10.650 One more time. One more time. I'm not going to 00:03:10.650 --> 00:03:12.729 give up. We're going to keep working at this. 00:03:13.909 --> 00:03:16.370 You know, the greatest question you can ask yourself 00:03:16.370 --> 00:03:18.189 every single day, you might write this down. 00:03:18.629 --> 00:03:22.090 What does it look like to trust God in this situation? 00:03:22.990 --> 00:03:28.889 It's faith. Patience. I'm going to give you just 00:03:28.889 --> 00:03:30.810 a little tool. You can write it at the bottom 00:03:30.810 --> 00:03:35.360 of the page. I call this little tool, I know 00:03:35.360 --> 00:03:38.680 you really care when. Okay, just write that. 00:03:38.759 --> 00:03:41.699 I know you really care when. Because some of 00:03:41.699 --> 00:03:43.460 you are thinking, I want to be compassionate 00:03:43.460 --> 00:03:46.879 and I want to be gentle. Okay, Chip, I really 00:03:46.879 --> 00:03:49.259 want to be all this, but I'm not sure what it 00:03:49.259 --> 00:03:52.120 would look like. I can't read her mind. I can't 00:03:52.120 --> 00:03:54.919 read his mind. Here's what you do. There's a 00:03:54.919 --> 00:03:58.419 little column. And, you know, if you're a husband, 00:03:58.580 --> 00:04:04.669 you write, I know you really care, speaking to 00:04:04.669 --> 00:04:09.330 your wife, when you, one, two, three. Just write 00:04:09.330 --> 00:04:12.569 the top three. You can go five if you want, but 00:04:12.569 --> 00:04:15.509 I mean, give her a break. Just write, I feel 00:04:15.509 --> 00:04:17.569 loved when you, and just write the top three 00:04:17.569 --> 00:04:19.569 things that when she does them, you feel loved. 00:04:20.490 --> 00:04:23.230 Ladies, you write, here's the top three things. 00:04:23.290 --> 00:04:26.850 You can go four or five. I feel most loved when 00:04:26.850 --> 00:04:30.519 you, and just write them. And then just exchange 00:04:30.519 --> 00:04:34.720 lists. So we've made this whole thing about it 00:04:34.720 --> 00:04:37.540 has to be so spontaneous and if he could read 00:04:37.540 --> 00:04:41.079 my mind or if she would only know. I did this 00:04:41.079 --> 00:04:44.680 with my wife. We were struggling. The counselor 00:04:44.680 --> 00:04:47.120 gave us this tool. Everything I give you, I got 00:04:47.120 --> 00:04:51.079 out of counseling. But it's like, okay, here's 00:04:51.079 --> 00:04:53.860 the top thing. When you take out the trash, when 00:04:53.860 --> 00:04:55.300 you help with this, when you help with the kids' 00:04:55.379 --> 00:04:57.519 homework, I'm thinking. What in the world's this 00:04:57.519 --> 00:04:59.560 got to do with love? And finally I said, it doesn't 00:04:59.560 --> 00:05:03.000 matter what I think. If this makes her feel loved, 00:05:03.160 --> 00:05:05.579 guess what? I love her. Guess what? I made a 00:05:05.579 --> 00:05:08.279 vow. Guess what? I'm committed to her. So she 00:05:08.279 --> 00:05:10.860 made a list and I just decided I'm going to do 00:05:10.860 --> 00:05:13.639 at least one of those things every day. If nothing 00:05:13.639 --> 00:05:17.180 else, at least, you know, every day she is going 00:05:17.180 --> 00:05:20.220 to get loved by me with some compassion and gentleness 00:05:20.220 --> 00:05:25.420 and vice versa. Try it. You'll like it. Okay. 00:05:26.459 --> 00:05:30.019 Shift the page because what I have said to you 00:05:30.019 --> 00:05:33.839 so far can only happen if something else happens. 00:05:34.120 --> 00:05:36.519 This is the clothing metaphor. That word put 00:05:36.519 --> 00:05:39.060 on, put off, put on, put off. Here's what you 00:05:39.060 --> 00:05:43.339 need to get. You cannot put on the new until 00:05:43.339 --> 00:05:46.420 you take off the old. Notice what he says here. 00:05:46.540 --> 00:05:49.060 The clothing metaphor is crucial to biblical 00:05:49.060 --> 00:05:53.579 communication. Old clothes must be taken off. 00:05:53.720 --> 00:05:55.560 Open your Bible if you're not already there. 00:05:55.740 --> 00:05:59.939 We're in Colossians chapter 3. And after he says 00:05:59.939 --> 00:06:03.839 to set your mind on the things above, he says, 00:06:03.879 --> 00:06:07.959 put to death. I'm in verse 5. Whatever belongs 00:06:07.959 --> 00:06:11.240 to your earthly nature. Well, what's that? Sexual 00:06:11.240 --> 00:06:13.899 immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires, greed, 00:06:14.060 --> 00:06:17.100 which is idolatry. Why? Because of these, the 00:06:17.100 --> 00:06:20.459 wrath of God is coming. And then he reminds them, 00:06:20.480 --> 00:06:23.379 like he reminds us, you used to walk in these 00:06:23.379 --> 00:06:25.819 things, in the life that you once lived. Now 00:06:25.819 --> 00:06:30.000 get this, here's the new. But now you must rid 00:06:30.000 --> 00:06:35.079 yourselves of such things as anger, rage, malice, 00:06:35.079 --> 00:06:38.040 slander, filthy language from your lips. Do not 00:06:38.040 --> 00:06:42.180 lie to each other. Why? Since you have taken 00:06:42.180 --> 00:06:45.800 off, it's a metaphor, your old self with its 00:06:45.800 --> 00:06:50.620 practices. But that's not the end of it. And 00:06:50.620 --> 00:06:54.079 have put on the new self, which is being renewed, 00:06:54.379 --> 00:06:58.319 mind renewal. How? In the knowledge, in the image 00:06:58.319 --> 00:07:04.600 of its creator. You have to take off the old. 00:07:05.560 --> 00:07:09.779 Old life of anger, logging on to porn, flirting 00:07:09.779 --> 00:07:12.879 with other people, spending money I don't have, 00:07:13.139 --> 00:07:16.899 yelling, screaming, abusive language. Wanting 00:07:16.899 --> 00:07:19.180 my own way. Get rid of it all. That's what he's 00:07:19.180 --> 00:07:25.360 saying. And put on. Put on the new self. It's 00:07:25.360 --> 00:07:29.959 a journey. It's a process. You renew your mind. 00:07:30.459 --> 00:07:33.560 You ask, who are the people in my life that keep 00:07:33.560 --> 00:07:36.399 pulling me that way? What am I putting into my 00:07:36.399 --> 00:07:38.660 mind? Whether it's on a video, whether it's Netflix, 00:07:38.800 --> 00:07:42.660 whether it's porn, whether it's a relationship 00:07:42.660 --> 00:07:44.860 that keeps telling me, hey, why don't you come 00:07:44.860 --> 00:07:47.519 with us and do this? Whether it's a temptation. 00:07:49.360 --> 00:07:52.779 Remember the passage where Jesus said, if your 00:07:52.779 --> 00:07:55.040 right eye is causing you to sin, pluck it out? 00:07:55.939 --> 00:07:58.379 Remember that one? Now, some people took that 00:07:58.379 --> 00:08:00.779 literally, which is very foolish, because if 00:08:00.779 --> 00:08:02.819 you pluck out your right eye, I have got news 00:08:02.819 --> 00:08:06.660 for you. You can lust with your left. If your 00:08:06.660 --> 00:08:08.839 right hand causes you to sin, what do you say? 00:08:09.920 --> 00:08:14.259 Cut it off. Well, I got news. You can still steal 00:08:14.259 --> 00:08:18.170 with your left hand. It was an idiomatic expression, 00:08:18.410 --> 00:08:24.050 but here's what he was saying. You be as radical 00:08:24.050 --> 00:08:28.810 as you need to be to take off the impurities 00:08:28.810 --> 00:08:31.470 and the things that pull you away from first 00:08:31.470 --> 00:08:33.909 the Lord Jesus and second from your most important 00:08:33.909 --> 00:08:37.370 relationships. Now, let's get real positive because 00:08:37.370 --> 00:08:39.850 many of you are very convicted right now and 00:08:39.850 --> 00:08:41.570 you know what you need to put off. So I'm not 00:08:41.570 --> 00:08:43.970 going to take you off a hook, all right? But 00:08:43.970 --> 00:08:47.899 don't go to bed tonight. You hear me? This is 00:08:47.899 --> 00:08:50.700 an order from the commander in chief of the universe. 00:08:51.820 --> 00:08:54.279 And it's not because he's mad. He wants to rescue 00:08:54.279 --> 00:08:58.779 you. Listen to him. Do what he says. But here's 00:08:58.779 --> 00:09:01.019 what I want you to get. The new self requires 00:09:01.019 --> 00:09:05.220 new clothes. Here's the principle. Who we are 00:09:05.220 --> 00:09:09.159 determines how we dress. Now, all of you were 00:09:09.159 --> 00:09:12.539 a bride. Do you remember that day? You were the 00:09:12.539 --> 00:09:14.919 bride. So because you were the bride, how did 00:09:14.919 --> 00:09:18.669 you dress? How did you dress? I mean, you spent 00:09:18.669 --> 00:09:20.870 at least four hours. I still remember. I had 00:09:20.870 --> 00:09:23.009 three boys and a girl, so I've only had one wedding 00:09:23.009 --> 00:09:25.490 where I got really inside. I mean, my lands. 00:09:25.649 --> 00:09:27.750 They did her hair. They did her nails. They did 00:09:27.750 --> 00:09:30.149 the dress. It was like a four or five hour getting 00:09:30.149 --> 00:09:32.490 ready. Why? Because she wanted to be beautiful 00:09:32.490 --> 00:09:36.330 and awesome for her husband. Who you are determines 00:09:36.330 --> 00:09:40.990 how you dress. Who are you? You're a daughter 00:09:40.990 --> 00:09:43.509 of the living God. You're a son of the King of 00:09:43.509 --> 00:09:45.669 Kings and the Lord of Lords. So how do you dress? 00:09:45.730 --> 00:09:47.990 You dress in a way that's appropriate. I want 00:09:47.990 --> 00:09:49.850 you to imagine in your mind's eye, and maybe 00:09:49.850 --> 00:09:51.750 some of you have been there, but you're going 00:09:51.750 --> 00:09:55.250 to receive the distinguished medal of honor. 00:09:56.690 --> 00:10:00.350 How would you dress for the occasion? Jeans? 00:10:00.549 --> 00:10:05.990 Flip -flops? I don't think so. See, you dress. 00:10:06.529 --> 00:10:10.929 That's why. I can give you tools galore. I can 00:10:10.929 --> 00:10:12.809 give you all kind of techniques, and there's 00:10:12.809 --> 00:10:17.009 a place for them. Until you start to believe 00:10:17.009 --> 00:10:20.429 that you are chosen, that you are set apart and 00:10:20.429 --> 00:10:24.129 holy, and that you're deeply, powerfully, unconditionally 00:10:24.129 --> 00:10:27.990 loved, you'll never dress that way. The great 00:10:27.990 --> 00:10:31.149 majority of Christians are living for God's approval 00:10:31.149 --> 00:10:34.029 instead of from God's approval, and the difference 00:10:34.029 --> 00:10:37.840 is night and day. When you live from God's approval, 00:10:38.120 --> 00:10:41.360 when I carry that money in my pocket or when 00:10:41.360 --> 00:10:43.700 I choose to do things for Teresa, I'm not doing 00:10:43.700 --> 00:10:46.500 it because God goes, okay, on the big refrigerator 00:10:46.500 --> 00:10:49.580 in heaven, hey guys, three more stars for Chip. 00:10:52.220 --> 00:10:57.340 It doesn't work that way. When I do something 00:10:57.340 --> 00:11:01.080 like that, it's, God, you've been so kind and 00:11:01.080 --> 00:11:06.169 so compassionate and so patient with me. You 00:11:06.169 --> 00:11:10.350 have so humbled yourself to stoop, to die in 00:11:10.350 --> 00:11:13.350 my place. You have been so gracious to cause 00:11:13.350 --> 00:11:16.549 your spirit to dwell inside of me, to guide me. 00:11:16.649 --> 00:11:19.950 You have in supernatural ways provided access 00:11:19.950 --> 00:11:22.149 where I not only have the mind of Christ, but 00:11:22.149 --> 00:11:25.289 you've given me your word. And you've told me 00:11:25.289 --> 00:11:27.490 that if I come to you, you'll renew my mind and 00:11:27.490 --> 00:11:29.889 you'll make me more and more like Jesus. As I 00:11:29.889 --> 00:11:34.389 soak that in, what happens? From God's approval, 00:11:34.940 --> 00:11:40.659 You love. I have been on a journey for 40 years 00:11:40.659 --> 00:11:44.659 to try and believe and feel and accept that God 00:11:44.659 --> 00:11:50.679 loves me for me. Some of you grew up in homes 00:11:50.679 --> 00:11:53.740 like I did. My dad's idea of love was you went 00:11:53.740 --> 00:11:55.860 three for four. What happened? You know, Chip, 00:11:55.940 --> 00:11:57.519 how many times have I told you when that curveball 00:11:57.519 --> 00:11:59.440 comes on the inside, you step in the bucket. 00:11:59.480 --> 00:12:01.960 That's why you grinded out the shortstop. Come 00:12:01.960 --> 00:12:07.399 on, son. Step it up. Four A's and a B. Son, give 00:12:07.399 --> 00:12:11.419 me your report card. What happened here? Now, 00:12:11.419 --> 00:12:13.740 he loved me, and he thought that would, you know, 00:12:13.759 --> 00:12:15.139 I got one degree, so when are you going to get 00:12:15.139 --> 00:12:16.340 your master's? Got that degree, when are you 00:12:16.340 --> 00:12:17.200 going to get that? When are you going to get 00:12:17.200 --> 00:12:19.659 that? I finally came at about 35. I will never 00:12:19.659 --> 00:12:24.039 live up to my dad's expectations. And somehow 00:12:24.039 --> 00:12:26.340 I translated that to that's how God was, and 00:12:26.340 --> 00:12:30.919 he's not. You're listening to Living on the Edge 00:12:30.919 --> 00:12:33.379 with Chip Ingram. We'll continue with Chip's 00:12:33.379 --> 00:12:35.879 teaching in just a minute. The message you're 00:12:35.879 --> 00:12:38.259 hearing today is part of our series, Choosing 00:12:38.259 --> 00:12:41.139 Love. If you want to dig deeper into these powerful 00:12:41.139 --> 00:12:43.679 principles, the complete series is waiting for 00:12:43.679 --> 00:12:47.980 you online at livingontheedge .org. You'll discover 00:12:47.980 --> 00:12:50.220 additional teaching, downloadable resources, 00:12:50.500 --> 00:12:53.419 and study questions to help you apply these truths. 00:12:53.820 --> 00:12:58.549 Visit us online at livingontheedge .org. Well, 00:12:58.549 --> 00:13:01.049 now let's get back to the message. God loves 00:13:01.049 --> 00:13:03.990 you for you. If you never did anything, he loves 00:13:03.990 --> 00:13:07.970 you. He died for you while you were still a sinner, 00:13:08.149 --> 00:13:13.950 while you were his enemy. So here's the problem. 00:13:14.090 --> 00:13:16.370 We have settled for techniques and self -help 00:13:16.370 --> 00:13:19.389 tools to change how we speak and to modify our 00:13:19.389 --> 00:13:22.289 emotions and behaviors to improve compatibility. 00:13:22.490 --> 00:13:25.529 I think so much of what we do in our marriages 00:13:25.529 --> 00:13:30.629 is, how do we get along better? rather than focusing 00:13:30.629 --> 00:13:33.330 on the deep -rooted transformation of our hearts, 00:13:33.450 --> 00:13:38.370 which empowers us to give life -giving love of 00:13:38.370 --> 00:13:41.210 Christ to our mates. That's where the real action 00:13:41.210 --> 00:13:44.370 is. The solution is threefold. Number one, don't 00:13:44.370 --> 00:13:47.370 buy the lie. I am what I have, possessions. I 00:13:47.370 --> 00:13:50.230 am what I accomplish, performance. I am what 00:13:50.230 --> 00:13:54.250 others think of me, popularity. Most of us at 00:13:54.250 --> 00:13:56.710 some level live with the if -then, if -then. 00:13:56.789 --> 00:14:00.309 If I become, then I'll be a somebody. If I possess, 00:14:00.610 --> 00:14:02.370 then I'm a somebody. If I get a higher rank, 00:14:02.470 --> 00:14:04.610 if I make more money, if I drive this kind of 00:14:04.610 --> 00:14:07.929 car, if someday I can, if so many people have 00:14:07.929 --> 00:14:12.470 likes on Facebook, if I finally get my own, if 00:14:12.470 --> 00:14:19.480 I finally, then, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie. I live 00:14:19.480 --> 00:14:21.320 in the Silicon Valley, and for reasons I don't 00:14:21.320 --> 00:14:23.799 understand, I've discipled a lot of people that 00:14:23.799 --> 00:14:26.240 are the wealthiest. I mean, I know three billionaires. 00:14:27.940 --> 00:14:34.019 Not these three. I have never seen people with 00:14:34.019 --> 00:14:38.700 so much money and so much sorrow who really thought 00:14:38.700 --> 00:14:41.200 that when they went public, when they had a few 00:14:41.200 --> 00:14:43.179 million or 10 million or 100 million or a billion, 00:14:43.360 --> 00:14:47.879 and you know what doesn't matter? The human heart. 00:14:49.610 --> 00:14:52.309 I've literally sat in a room with someone who 00:14:52.309 --> 00:14:54.029 was worth over a billion dollars and said, you 00:14:54.029 --> 00:14:55.929 know, I just don't feel comfortable giving if 00:14:55.929 --> 00:15:01.190 my cash flow goes down between 500 million. And 00:15:01.190 --> 00:15:02.830 I just thought the deceptive of the human heart. 00:15:02.909 --> 00:15:05.029 And before I got very judgmental, God said, what's 00:15:05.029 --> 00:15:07.809 your number, Chip? Because I have one and you 00:15:07.809 --> 00:15:11.470 have one. All I want you to know is that it's 00:15:11.470 --> 00:15:16.269 a mirage. Don't buy the lie. You're already valuable. 00:15:18.600 --> 00:15:22.600 You matter. Those things are things to steward. 00:15:23.360 --> 00:15:26.740 Second, dress appropriately for your mate. Jim 00:15:26.740 --> 00:15:31.200 Burns is a counselor, a teacher, a friend, and 00:15:31.200 --> 00:15:34.340 he says, practice awe, A -W -E, affirmation, 00:15:34.340 --> 00:15:37.480 warmth, and encouragement. This is what to do 00:15:37.480 --> 00:15:40.299 with your mate. And it's just a good little acronym. 00:15:40.539 --> 00:15:43.159 Do you understand that for every negative comment, 00:15:43.340 --> 00:15:47.059 your mate needs about 10 positive ones? Ask yourself 00:15:47.059 --> 00:15:50.120 how much affirmation, and I don't mean Pollyanna 00:15:50.120 --> 00:15:53.059 making stuff up, but I mean affirming your mate 00:15:53.059 --> 00:15:58.039 and warmth. There's an atmosphere that's acceptable, 00:15:58.340 --> 00:16:01.559 that's caring, that's... You know, so often for 00:16:01.559 --> 00:16:03.980 some of you, like on your way home or just before, 00:16:04.080 --> 00:16:05.840 I don't know how it works, who works where and 00:16:05.840 --> 00:16:08.960 does what, but before I walk in the door, I have 00:16:08.960 --> 00:16:10.659 a little process I go through driving on the 00:16:10.659 --> 00:16:13.139 way home that thinks, I need to get my mind, 00:16:13.220 --> 00:16:15.360 because I'm thinking this, this, this. Okay, 00:16:15.480 --> 00:16:18.379 I'm going to walk in. Okay, where's her day been 00:16:18.379 --> 00:16:21.059 today? What did she do? Where's she going to 00:16:21.059 --> 00:16:24.240 be at emotionally? And what does she need the 00:16:24.240 --> 00:16:28.399 moment I walk in the door? And you know how I 00:16:28.399 --> 00:16:32.990 learned that? By not doing that. A lot. And I 00:16:32.990 --> 00:16:35.129 will tell you, for years, I mean, we had kids, 00:16:35.129 --> 00:16:36.730 and I ended up pastoring a church that's a pretty 00:16:36.730 --> 00:16:39.950 good size and a lot of demand. And one of the 00:16:39.950 --> 00:16:42.730 things, we ate as a family. I bet four or five 00:16:42.730 --> 00:16:46.190 nights, 530, we ate as a family. We shared around 00:16:46.190 --> 00:16:48.769 the table. We prayed around the table. Man, that 00:16:48.769 --> 00:16:52.990 was the link. But when I came home, I just thought 00:16:52.990 --> 00:16:55.070 every woman did this. When I came home, my wife 00:16:55.070 --> 00:16:57.659 knew when I was coming home, she went. She put 00:16:57.659 --> 00:17:00.679 on fresh makeup. I came home every day to a wife 00:17:00.679 --> 00:17:04.039 that looked and cared and created an invitation 00:17:04.039 --> 00:17:06.819 of warmth. I'd get someone with their hair pulled 00:17:06.819 --> 00:17:08.740 back in sweatpants who looked like she hadn't 00:17:08.740 --> 00:17:14.500 showered in a couple days. The people that your 00:17:14.500 --> 00:17:16.400 husband's working with or vice versa, they come 00:17:16.400 --> 00:17:19.740 put together. My wife created this atmosphere 00:17:19.740 --> 00:17:23.059 of warmth, of acceptance, and then encouragement. 00:17:23.180 --> 00:17:26.359 How do you lift them up? You know, a little act 00:17:26.359 --> 00:17:27.799 here. Hey, is there anything I can do to give 00:17:27.799 --> 00:17:29.960 you a hand? I found, are you ready for this? 00:17:30.700 --> 00:17:33.700 I found the counseling, out of the counseling, 00:17:33.819 --> 00:17:35.759 that running the vacuum was one of the most romantic 00:17:35.759 --> 00:17:39.279 things I could ever do. I'll tell you what, if 00:17:39.279 --> 00:17:40.880 running the vacuum a few times means we have 00:17:40.880 --> 00:17:42.960 a romantic night, hey, honey, give me that Hoover, 00:17:43.079 --> 00:17:48.799 baby. Hey, you know. But we all get loved in 00:17:48.799 --> 00:17:51.940 different ways. It's a heart of compassion. It's 00:17:51.940 --> 00:17:55.690 kindness. It's humility. And then we're going 00:17:55.690 --> 00:17:58.710 to wrap it with this. Have at least two couples 00:17:58.710 --> 00:18:01.950 conferences per week. I paid a lot of money for 00:18:01.950 --> 00:18:03.950 this and you get it for free. So you don't have 00:18:03.950 --> 00:18:06.609 to say thank you right now. But here's a conference. 00:18:06.750 --> 00:18:09.009 We didn't know how to communicate. Okay, I want 00:18:09.009 --> 00:18:11.049 you to imagine. Okay, here we go. Here we go. 00:18:11.069 --> 00:18:15.349 Here we go. This is, okay, you're going to do 00:18:15.349 --> 00:18:18.410 this today. You sit like this. Your mate sits 00:18:18.410 --> 00:18:20.910 like this. You make eye contact. You lean forward. 00:18:21.089 --> 00:18:23.289 And as the man, you say, what are you concerned 00:18:23.289 --> 00:18:26.910 about? And then visually, put duct tape over 00:18:26.910 --> 00:18:29.670 your mouth and lean forward. Ladies, here's what 00:18:29.670 --> 00:18:31.309 you do. Anything that comes to your mind. It 00:18:31.309 --> 00:18:33.390 doesn't have to be, I'm concerned about one of 00:18:33.390 --> 00:18:34.890 our kids. I'm concerned about our relationship. 00:18:35.190 --> 00:18:36.609 I'm concerned about, you know, we don't have 00:18:36.609 --> 00:18:37.990 enough money. I'm concerned about your mom's 00:18:37.990 --> 00:18:41.130 health. And ladies, just until you can't think 00:18:41.130 --> 00:18:43.289 of anything else, guys, hang in there. They get 00:18:43.289 --> 00:18:45.410 shorter after a while. And then when you're done, 00:18:45.450 --> 00:18:48.869 and by the way, men, say nothing. The only thing 00:18:48.869 --> 00:18:51.769 you can do is nod and say anything else. Okay, 00:18:51.809 --> 00:18:54.950 that's it. If you fix it, so help me, I'll knock 00:18:54.950 --> 00:18:58.250 you out. So then she says, what are you concerned 00:18:58.250 --> 00:19:02.089 about? And don't give her, not much. Everything's 00:19:02.089 --> 00:19:04.789 okay. She's been hearing that for years. I want 00:19:04.789 --> 00:19:08.930 you to sit there and go, well, I'm concerned 00:19:08.930 --> 00:19:12.299 I might get deployed. My supervisor, I think 00:19:12.299 --> 00:19:14.079 it's an unfair situation. I'm concerned about 00:19:14.079 --> 00:19:16.339 one of our sons. I'm concerned about our money 00:19:16.339 --> 00:19:19.900 too. Gosh, I don't know if my mom's gonna live 00:19:19.900 --> 00:19:24.519 or not. And then second question, you say to 00:19:24.519 --> 00:19:27.339 your wife, what do you wish? And by the way, 00:19:27.359 --> 00:19:29.140 again, it can be, I wish we'd win the lottery. 00:19:29.259 --> 00:19:31.500 I wish we could go relocated. I wish our marriage 00:19:31.500 --> 00:19:33.980 would be 10 times better than it is now. Go easy 00:19:33.980 --> 00:19:36.640 on that one. I wish we could go to Disneyland. 00:19:36.940 --> 00:19:39.059 I wish we get a check in the mail for $100 ,000. 00:19:39.299 --> 00:19:42.490 I wish, I wish. Whatever. And then, you get it? 00:19:43.210 --> 00:19:45.490 Don't interrupt her. I wish. And then the last 00:19:45.490 --> 00:19:47.349 question is, what are you willing to do? And 00:19:47.349 --> 00:19:48.829 here's the rule. You don't have to do anything. 00:19:50.269 --> 00:19:53.490 But here's what the conference does. It can take 00:19:53.490 --> 00:19:56.990 15, 20 minutes. Without arguing, what happens 00:19:56.990 --> 00:20:00.170 is, you are going to hear all the things that 00:20:00.170 --> 00:20:02.589 are weighing down your partner's life. The burdens. 00:20:03.250 --> 00:20:06.809 And you're going to hear, if you chose to, where 00:20:06.809 --> 00:20:09.920 you could put wind in their sails. And so without 00:20:09.920 --> 00:20:11.819 arguing, without putting things, without trying 00:20:11.819 --> 00:20:13.799 to fix anything, all of a sudden, here's all 00:20:13.799 --> 00:20:15.980 the things that's weighing him down. Here's all 00:20:15.980 --> 00:20:17.779 the things that are weighing her down. Here's 00:20:17.779 --> 00:20:19.740 all the things that she wishes. Here's all the 00:20:19.740 --> 00:20:21.779 things he wishes. I remember the first one we 00:20:21.779 --> 00:20:23.460 had, I listened to all this. She was overwhelmed 00:20:23.460 --> 00:20:25.400 with our kids coming home with math homework. 00:20:25.980 --> 00:20:28.039 And we were not doing all that well. So I took 00:20:28.039 --> 00:20:30.359 a baby step. I'll take over the math homework. 00:20:30.660 --> 00:20:33.480 And she looked at me and said, really? I'm good 00:20:33.480 --> 00:20:35.019 in math. I'm not good in the other stuff. Yeah. 00:20:36.019 --> 00:20:37.960 And I mean, two weeks later, she goes, Chip, 00:20:38.079 --> 00:20:41.359 I said, what? I'm not sure I've ever felt more 00:20:41.359 --> 00:20:43.579 loved when you said that. And now every night 00:20:43.579 --> 00:20:46.200 you do math. I'm thinking, one, it was really 00:20:46.200 --> 00:20:48.559 easy. And two, part of it was they were working 00:20:48.559 --> 00:20:50.359 their mom. I just said, hey, do it again. I'll 00:20:50.359 --> 00:20:52.960 be back in about five minutes. There's something 00:20:52.960 --> 00:20:56.400 about a Marine dad that's pretty good. My biggest 00:20:56.400 --> 00:20:59.180 act of humility was I was so embarrassed to go 00:20:59.180 --> 00:21:01.730 to counseling. I was so embarrassed to sit in 00:21:01.730 --> 00:21:03.369 a room where someone might walk in and go, oh, 00:21:03.369 --> 00:21:05.049 there's a seminary student. He needs counseling. 00:21:05.430 --> 00:21:07.250 And the reason I would be embarrassed is because 00:21:07.250 --> 00:21:10.829 I was arrogant and proud. And your pride and 00:21:10.829 --> 00:21:13.869 your arrogance will keep you. God is opposed 00:21:13.869 --> 00:21:16.670 to the proud but gives grace to the humble. His 00:21:16.670 --> 00:21:20.509 grace always flows downhill. When he finds a 00:21:20.509 --> 00:21:22.349 man or a woman and says, I can't do this, will 00:21:22.349 --> 00:21:24.750 you help me? The Spirit of God and the grace 00:21:24.750 --> 00:21:30.210 of God will rush to meet you. This is Living 00:21:30.210 --> 00:21:33.089 on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Chip will be back 00:21:33.089 --> 00:21:35.930 with more thoughts shortly. To share this message 00:21:35.930 --> 00:21:38.490 with your spouse or a friend, find it online 00:21:38.490 --> 00:21:42.430 at livingontheedge .org. And to go along with 00:21:42.430 --> 00:21:44.569 today's powerful teaching, we want to encourage 00:21:44.569 --> 00:21:47.130 you to get your copy of Chip's latest book, I 00:21:47.130 --> 00:21:50.960 Choose Love. Agape love, the kind God demonstrates, 00:21:51.240 --> 00:21:54.200 isn't based on feelings or circumstances. It's 00:21:54.200 --> 00:21:57.279 built on commitment and action. This love gives 00:21:57.279 --> 00:22:00.220 sacrificially, serves consistently, and puts 00:22:00.220 --> 00:22:03.519 others first intentionally. In I Choose Love, 00:22:03.779 --> 00:22:06.559 Chip unpacks how to move from the shallow, worldly 00:22:06.559 --> 00:22:09.660 understanding of love to God's design for deep, 00:22:09.740 --> 00:22:12.680 lasting connection. Get your copy of I Choose 00:22:12.680 --> 00:22:16.519 Love online at livingontheedge .org. And friend, 00:22:16.599 --> 00:22:18.960 as you probably know, Living on the Edge is a 00:22:18.960 --> 00:22:21.599 nonprofit ministry, which means your partnership 00:22:21.599 --> 00:22:24.099 is what fuels these Bible teaching messages. 00:22:24.599 --> 00:22:26.900 Whether you've given before or today would be 00:22:26.900 --> 00:22:29.460 your first time, we invite you to join with us 00:22:29.460 --> 00:22:32.160 through a donation of any amount. We've made 00:22:32.160 --> 00:22:35.299 it easy to give online. Just go to livingontheedge 00:22:35.299 --> 00:22:38.400 .org or write to us through the mail at Living 00:22:38.400 --> 00:22:42.339 on the Edge, P .O. Box 3007, Atlanta, Georgia, 00:22:42.579 --> 00:22:46.480 30024. You can also call us and give over the 00:22:46.480 --> 00:22:52.200 phone. Just dial 888 -333 -6003. By the way, 00:22:52.259 --> 00:22:54.660 full sermons are now available on the Living 00:22:54.660 --> 00:22:57.500 on the Edge podcast with a feature called the 00:22:57.500 --> 00:23:00.720 Chip Ingram Sermon Podcast. Find these episodes 00:23:00.720 --> 00:23:03.579 right alongside our regular broadcasts on your 00:23:03.579 --> 00:23:06.960 podcast app. Now, Chip, before we go, can you 00:23:06.960 --> 00:23:09.019 give us a review of some of the key points from 00:23:09.019 --> 00:23:12.400 today's powerful lesson? Absolutely, Dave. As 00:23:12.400 --> 00:23:15.160 you know, the first one was treat your mate with 00:23:15.160 --> 00:23:18.359 awe, right? You know, it's affirmation, warmth, 00:23:18.579 --> 00:23:22.700 encouragement. A -W -E. Affirmation, warmth, 00:23:22.880 --> 00:23:25.400 encouragement. That will change the temperature 00:23:25.400 --> 00:23:28.460 in your home. The second was the one that, as 00:23:28.460 --> 00:23:32.240 I shared years and years ago, we got at our early 00:23:32.240 --> 00:23:34.319 marriage counseling. It's called The Conference. 00:23:34.440 --> 00:23:37.200 Three questions, and you can't interrupt the 00:23:37.200 --> 00:23:41.599 other person. What do you wish? Then the second 00:23:41.599 --> 00:23:44.579 question is, what are you concerned about? And 00:23:44.579 --> 00:23:47.200 then the last one, as I said, is what are you 00:23:47.200 --> 00:23:49.680 willing to do? And then the rule is, this is 00:23:49.680 --> 00:23:52.920 hard one for me, is you don't have to do anything. 00:23:53.259 --> 00:23:55.880 And so what you want to do is you want to get 00:23:55.880 --> 00:23:59.539 the burdens off your mate's heart and what would 00:23:59.539 --> 00:24:02.259 put wind in their sails. And you now have that 00:24:02.259 --> 00:24:04.960 in front of you. And I'm telling you, if you'll 00:24:04.960 --> 00:24:08.019 do this, I mean, a couple of times a week. 15, 00:24:08.200 --> 00:24:11.859 20 minutes or so, you will learn things and cover 00:24:11.859 --> 00:24:15.339 things not in the environment of hostility. You'll 00:24:15.339 --> 00:24:18.680 share them in a safe way because the other person 00:24:18.680 --> 00:24:20.859 can't say anything. And you ask me, what am I 00:24:20.859 --> 00:24:22.339 concerned about? Well, you know, I'm concerned 00:24:22.339 --> 00:24:24.740 about our finances. I'm concerned about our daughter. 00:24:24.819 --> 00:24:27.339 You know, she hasn't decided what school to go 00:24:27.339 --> 00:24:29.680 to yet. I'm concerned about whatever comes to 00:24:29.680 --> 00:24:33.440 mind. You will just find it will be amazing tool 00:24:33.440 --> 00:24:38.039 to get you connected from the heart. We still 00:24:38.039 --> 00:24:42.200 do this after 40 years, and it still works. I'm 00:24:42.200 --> 00:24:44.619 Dave Drewy, and we'll see you next time for more 00:24:44.619 --> 00:24:47.440 practical, encouraging Bible teaching from Chip 00:24:47.440 --> 00:24:50.480 Ingram. That's on the next weekend edition of 00:24:50.480 --> 00:24:56.440 Living on the Edge. Today's program is produced 00:24:56.440 --> 00:24:58.619 and sponsored by Living on the Edge.