Today on Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.
How often do you and your spouse really talk?
How often with your husband or with your wife
do you have a heart -to -heart conversation that
you walk away and say, wow, such a deep connection.
That was wonderful. If you want help in having
more of that, then stay with me. Most marriages
settle for basic self -help tips to improve compatibility.
But real transformation happens when you stop
living for God's approval and start living from
it. On this weekend edition of Living on the
Edge, Chip Ingram shows how believing your true
identity changes everything about how you love
your mate. You're already chosen, holy, and deeply
loved. When that truth sinks into your heart,
you'll naturally dress appropriately, putting
on compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness,
and patience. It's not about performing better.
It's about understanding who you already are
in Christ. Well, here's Chip Ingram with his
message, Effectively Communicating God's Love
to Your Mate. Our text is Colossians chapter
3, verses 12 through 17. And it starts out with
what we already possess. So as those who've been
chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart
of compassion, kindness, humility. gentleness,
and patience. So putting on a heart of compassion,
compassion is empathy to action versus being
cynical. You talk about something that'll change
your marriage more than any technique or any
skill, you start putting on a heart of compassion.
The second, he says, put on a heart of kindness.
Kindness is whatever is helpful, beneficial versus
being critical. Third is humility. It means putting
their needs first. The next is gentleness. It's
strength under control, especially your emotions.
It's the opposite of being harsh, demanding.
Those looks that say to your mate, did you do
that again? The look that says, don't you ever
do anything right to one of your kids. It's gentle.
It's approachable. Put on a heart of patience.
It means to endure with a good attitude. 2 Peter
3 .9. He says, you know, people, he was talking
about, you know, he's coming back. And everyone
goes, yeah, yeah, right, he's coming back. You've
been saying that for a long time. And Peter says,
you don't understand. God is not slow as some
think slow. For to him, a day in a thousand years
is the same. He is patient, macrothumos. Can
you hear the two words? Macrothumos, heat. It's
dispersed. He wants all to be saved, to all to
come to repentance. It's putting up with, enduring.
One more time. One more time. I'm not going to
give up. We're going to keep working at this.
You know, the greatest question you can ask yourself
every single day, you might write this down.
What does it look like to trust God in this situation?
It's faith. Patience. I'm going to give you just
a little tool. You can write it at the bottom
of the page. I call this little tool, I know
you really care when. Okay, just write that.
I know you really care when. Because some of
you are thinking, I want to be compassionate
and I want to be gentle. Okay, Chip, I really
want to be all this, but I'm not sure what it
would look like. I can't read her mind. I can't
read his mind. Here's what you do. There's a
little column. And, you know, if you're a husband,
you write, I know you really care, speaking to
your wife, when you, one, two, three. Just write
the top three. You can go five if you want, but
I mean, give her a break. Just write, I feel
loved when you, and just write the top three
things that when she does them, you feel loved.
Ladies, you write, here's the top three things.
You can go four or five. I feel most loved when
you, and just write them. And then just exchange
lists. So we've made this whole thing about it
has to be so spontaneous and if he could read
my mind or if she would only know. I did this
with my wife. We were struggling. The counselor
gave us this tool. Everything I give you, I got
out of counseling. But it's like, okay, here's
the top thing. When you take out the trash, when
you help with this, when you help with the kids'
homework, I'm thinking. What in the world's this
got to do with love? And finally I said, it doesn't
matter what I think. If this makes her feel loved,
guess what? I love her. Guess what? I made a
vow. Guess what? I'm committed to her. So she
made a list and I just decided I'm going to do
at least one of those things every day. If nothing
else, at least, you know, every day she is going
to get loved by me with some compassion and gentleness
and vice versa. Try it. You'll like it. Okay.
Shift the page because what I have said to you
so far can only happen if something else happens.
This is the clothing metaphor. That word put
on, put off, put on, put off. Here's what you
need to get. You cannot put on the new until
you take off the old. Notice what he says here.
The clothing metaphor is crucial to biblical
communication. Old clothes must be taken off.
Open your Bible if you're not already there.
We're in Colossians chapter 3. And after he says
to set your mind on the things above, he says,
put to death. I'm in verse 5. Whatever belongs
to your earthly nature. Well, what's that? Sexual
immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires, greed,
which is idolatry. Why? Because of these, the
wrath of God is coming. And then he reminds them,
like he reminds us, you used to walk in these
things, in the life that you once lived. Now
get this, here's the new. But now you must rid
yourselves of such things as anger, rage, malice,
slander, filthy language from your lips. Do not
lie to each other. Why? Since you have taken
off, it's a metaphor, your old self with its
practices. But that's not the end of it. And
have put on the new self, which is being renewed,
mind renewal. How? In the knowledge, in the image
of its creator. You have to take off the old.
Old life of anger, logging on to porn, flirting
with other people, spending money I don't have,
yelling, screaming, abusive language. Wanting
my own way. Get rid of it all. That's what he's
saying. And put on. Put on the new self. It's
a journey. It's a process. You renew your mind.
You ask, who are the people in my life that keep
pulling me that way? What am I putting into my
mind? Whether it's on a video, whether it's Netflix,
whether it's porn, whether it's a relationship
that keeps telling me, hey, why don't you come
with us and do this? Whether it's a temptation.
Remember the passage where Jesus said, if your
right eye is causing you to sin, pluck it out?
Remember that one? Now, some people took that
literally, which is very foolish, because if
you pluck out your right eye, I have got news
for you. You can lust with your left. If your
right hand causes you to sin, what do you say?
Cut it off. Well, I got news. You can still steal
with your left hand. It was an idiomatic expression,
but here's what he was saying. You be as radical
as you need to be to take off the impurities
and the things that pull you away from first
the Lord Jesus and second from your most important
relationships. Now, let's get real positive because
many of you are very convicted right now and
you know what you need to put off. So I'm not
going to take you off a hook, all right? But
don't go to bed tonight. You hear me? This is
an order from the commander in chief of the universe.
And it's not because he's mad. He wants to rescue
you. Listen to him. Do what he says. But here's
what I want you to get. The new self requires
new clothes. Here's the principle. Who we are
determines how we dress. Now, all of you were
a bride. Do you remember that day? You were the
bride. So because you were the bride, how did
you dress? How did you dress? I mean, you spent
at least four hours. I still remember. I had
three boys and a girl, so I've only had one wedding
where I got really inside. I mean, my lands.
They did her hair. They did her nails. They did
the dress. It was like a four or five hour getting
ready. Why? Because she wanted to be beautiful
and awesome for her husband. Who you are determines
how you dress. Who are you? You're a daughter
of the living God. You're a son of the King of
Kings and the Lord of Lords. So how do you dress?
You dress in a way that's appropriate. I want
you to imagine in your mind's eye, and maybe
some of you have been there, but you're going
to receive the distinguished medal of honor.
How would you dress for the occasion? Jeans?
Flip -flops? I don't think so. See, you dress.
That's why. I can give you tools galore. I can
give you all kind of techniques, and there's
a place for them. Until you start to believe
that you are chosen, that you are set apart and
holy, and that you're deeply, powerfully, unconditionally
loved, you'll never dress that way. The great
majority of Christians are living for God's approval
instead of from God's approval, and the difference
is night and day. When you live from God's approval,
when I carry that money in my pocket or when
I choose to do things for Teresa, I'm not doing
it because God goes, okay, on the big refrigerator
in heaven, hey guys, three more stars for Chip.
It doesn't work that way. When I do something
like that, it's, God, you've been so kind and
so compassionate and so patient with me. You
have so humbled yourself to stoop, to die in
my place. You have been so gracious to cause
your spirit to dwell inside of me, to guide me.
You have in supernatural ways provided access
where I not only have the mind of Christ, but
you've given me your word. And you've told me
that if I come to you, you'll renew my mind and
you'll make me more and more like Jesus. As I
soak that in, what happens? From God's approval,
You love. I have been on a journey for 40 years
to try and believe and feel and accept that God
loves me for me. Some of you grew up in homes
like I did. My dad's idea of love was you went
three for four. What happened? You know, Chip,
how many times have I told you when that curveball
comes on the inside, you step in the bucket.
That's why you grinded out the shortstop. Come
on, son. Step it up. Four A's and a B. Son, give
me your report card. What happened here? Now,
he loved me, and he thought that would, you know,
I got one degree, so when are you going to get
your master's? Got that degree, when are you
going to get that? When are you going to get
that? I finally came at about 35. I will never
live up to my dad's expectations. And somehow
I translated that to that's how God was, and
he's not. You're listening to Living on the Edge
with Chip Ingram. We'll continue with Chip's
teaching in just a minute. The message you're
hearing today is part of our series, Choosing
Love. If you want to dig deeper into these powerful
principles, the complete series is waiting for
you online at livingontheedge .org. You'll discover
additional teaching, downloadable resources,
and study questions to help you apply these truths.
Visit us online at livingontheedge .org. Well,
now let's get back to the message. God loves
you for you. If you never did anything, he loves
you. He died for you while you were still a sinner,
while you were his enemy. So here's the problem.
We have settled for techniques and self -help
tools to change how we speak and to modify our
emotions and behaviors to improve compatibility.
I think so much of what we do in our marriages
is, how do we get along better? rather than focusing
on the deep -rooted transformation of our hearts,
which empowers us to give life -giving love of
Christ to our mates. That's where the real action
is. The solution is threefold. Number one, don't
buy the lie. I am what I have, possessions. I
am what I accomplish, performance. I am what
others think of me, popularity. Most of us at
some level live with the if -then, if -then.
If I become, then I'll be a somebody. If I possess,
then I'm a somebody. If I get a higher rank,
if I make more money, if I drive this kind of
car, if someday I can, if so many people have
likes on Facebook, if I finally get my own, if
I finally, then, lie, lie, lie, lie, lie. I live
in the Silicon Valley, and for reasons I don't
understand, I've discipled a lot of people that
are the wealthiest. I mean, I know three billionaires.
Not these three. I have never seen people with
so much money and so much sorrow who really thought
that when they went public, when they had a few
million or 10 million or 100 million or a billion,
and you know what doesn't matter? The human heart.
I've literally sat in a room with someone who
was worth over a billion dollars and said, you
know, I just don't feel comfortable giving if
my cash flow goes down between 500 million. And
I just thought the deceptive of the human heart.
And before I got very judgmental, God said, what's
your number, Chip? Because I have one and you
have one. All I want you to know is that it's
a mirage. Don't buy the lie. You're already valuable.
You matter. Those things are things to steward.
Second, dress appropriately for your mate. Jim
Burns is a counselor, a teacher, a friend, and
he says, practice awe, A -W -E, affirmation,
warmth, and encouragement. This is what to do
with your mate. And it's just a good little acronym.
Do you understand that for every negative comment,
your mate needs about 10 positive ones? Ask yourself
how much affirmation, and I don't mean Pollyanna
making stuff up, but I mean affirming your mate
and warmth. There's an atmosphere that's acceptable,
that's caring, that's... You know, so often for
some of you, like on your way home or just before,
I don't know how it works, who works where and
does what, but before I walk in the door, I have
a little process I go through driving on the
way home that thinks, I need to get my mind,
because I'm thinking this, this, this. Okay,
I'm going to walk in. Okay, where's her day been
today? What did she do? Where's she going to
be at emotionally? And what does she need the
moment I walk in the door? And you know how I
learned that? By not doing that. A lot. And I
will tell you, for years, I mean, we had kids,
and I ended up pastoring a church that's a pretty
good size and a lot of demand. And one of the
things, we ate as a family. I bet four or five
nights, 530, we ate as a family. We shared around
the table. We prayed around the table. Man, that
was the link. But when I came home, I just thought
every woman did this. When I came home, my wife
knew when I was coming home, she went. She put
on fresh makeup. I came home every day to a wife
that looked and cared and created an invitation
of warmth. I'd get someone with their hair pulled
back in sweatpants who looked like she hadn't
showered in a couple days. The people that your
husband's working with or vice versa, they come
put together. My wife created this atmosphere
of warmth, of acceptance, and then encouragement.
How do you lift them up? You know, a little act
here. Hey, is there anything I can do to give
you a hand? I found, are you ready for this?
I found the counseling, out of the counseling,
that running the vacuum was one of the most romantic
things I could ever do. I'll tell you what, if
running the vacuum a few times means we have
a romantic night, hey, honey, give me that Hoover,
baby. Hey, you know. But we all get loved in
different ways. It's a heart of compassion. It's
kindness. It's humility. And then we're going
to wrap it with this. Have at least two couples
conferences per week. I paid a lot of money for
this and you get it for free. So you don't have
to say thank you right now. But here's a conference.
We didn't know how to communicate. Okay, I want
you to imagine. Okay, here we go. Here we go.
Here we go. This is, okay, you're going to do
this today. You sit like this. Your mate sits
like this. You make eye contact. You lean forward.
And as the man, you say, what are you concerned
about? And then visually, put duct tape over
your mouth and lean forward. Ladies, here's what
you do. Anything that comes to your mind. It
doesn't have to be, I'm concerned about one of
our kids. I'm concerned about our relationship.
I'm concerned about, you know, we don't have
enough money. I'm concerned about your mom's
health. And ladies, just until you can't think
of anything else, guys, hang in there. They get
shorter after a while. And then when you're done,
and by the way, men, say nothing. The only thing
you can do is nod and say anything else. Okay,
that's it. If you fix it, so help me, I'll knock
you out. So then she says, what are you concerned
about? And don't give her, not much. Everything's
okay. She's been hearing that for years. I want
you to sit there and go, well, I'm concerned
I might get deployed. My supervisor, I think
it's an unfair situation. I'm concerned about
one of our sons. I'm concerned about our money
too. Gosh, I don't know if my mom's gonna live
or not. And then second question, you say to
your wife, what do you wish? And by the way,
again, it can be, I wish we'd win the lottery.
I wish we could go relocated. I wish our marriage
would be 10 times better than it is now. Go easy
on that one. I wish we could go to Disneyland.
I wish we get a check in the mail for $100 ,000.
I wish, I wish. Whatever. And then, you get it?
Don't interrupt her. I wish. And then the last
question is, what are you willing to do? And
here's the rule. You don't have to do anything.
But here's what the conference does. It can take
15, 20 minutes. Without arguing, what happens
is, you are going to hear all the things that
are weighing down your partner's life. The burdens.
And you're going to hear, if you chose to, where
you could put wind in their sails. And so without
arguing, without putting things, without trying
to fix anything, all of a sudden, here's all
the things that's weighing him down. Here's all
the things that are weighing her down. Here's
all the things that she wishes. Here's all the
things he wishes. I remember the first one we
had, I listened to all this. She was overwhelmed
with our kids coming home with math homework.
And we were not doing all that well. So I took
a baby step. I'll take over the math homework.
And she looked at me and said, really? I'm good
in math. I'm not good in the other stuff. Yeah.
And I mean, two weeks later, she goes, Chip,
I said, what? I'm not sure I've ever felt more
loved when you said that. And now every night
you do math. I'm thinking, one, it was really
easy. And two, part of it was they were working
their mom. I just said, hey, do it again. I'll
be back in about five minutes. There's something
about a Marine dad that's pretty good. My biggest
act of humility was I was so embarrassed to go
to counseling. I was so embarrassed to sit in
a room where someone might walk in and go, oh,
there's a seminary student. He needs counseling.
And the reason I would be embarrassed is because
I was arrogant and proud. And your pride and
your arrogance will keep you. God is opposed
to the proud but gives grace to the humble. His
grace always flows downhill. When he finds a
man or a woman and says, I can't do this, will
you help me? The Spirit of God and the grace
of God will rush to meet you. This is Living
on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Chip will be back
with more thoughts shortly. To share this message
with your spouse or a friend, find it online
at livingontheedge .org. And to go along with
today's powerful teaching, we want to encourage
you to get your copy of Chip's latest book, I
Choose Love. Agape love, the kind God demonstrates,
isn't based on feelings or circumstances. It's
built on commitment and action. This love gives
sacrificially, serves consistently, and puts
others first intentionally. In I Choose Love,
Chip unpacks how to move from the shallow, worldly
understanding of love to God's design for deep,
lasting connection. Get your copy of I Choose
Love online at livingontheedge .org. And friend,
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full sermons are now available on the Living
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Chip Ingram Sermon Podcast. Find these episodes
right alongside our regular broadcasts on your
podcast app. Now, Chip, before we go, can you
give us a review of some of the key points from
today's powerful lesson? Absolutely, Dave. As
you know, the first one was treat your mate with
awe, right? You know, it's affirmation, warmth,
encouragement. A -W -E. Affirmation, warmth,
encouragement. That will change the temperature
in your home. The second was the one that, as
I shared years and years ago, we got at our early
marriage counseling. It's called The Conference.
Three questions, and you can't interrupt the
other person. What do you wish? Then the second
question is, what are you concerned about? And
then the last one, as I said, is what are you
willing to do? And then the rule is, this is
hard one for me, is you don't have to do anything.
And so what you want to do is you want to get
the burdens off your mate's heart and what would
put wind in their sails. And you now have that
in front of you. And I'm telling you, if you'll
do this, I mean, a couple of times a week. 15,
20 minutes or so, you will learn things and cover
things not in the environment of hostility. You'll
share them in a safe way because the other person
can't say anything. And you ask me, what am I
concerned about? Well, you know, I'm concerned
about our finances. I'm concerned about our daughter.
You know, she hasn't decided what school to go
to yet. I'm concerned about whatever comes to
mind. You will just find it will be amazing tool
to get you connected from the heart. We still
do this after 40 years, and it still works. I'm
Dave Drewy, and we'll see you next time for more
practical, encouraging Bible teaching from Chip
Ingram. That's on the next weekend edition of
Living on the Edge. Today's program is produced
and sponsored by Living on the Edge.