WEBVTT 00:00:11.439 --> 00:00:14.179 Today on Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. 00:00:14.240 --> 00:00:17.399 How do you restore the love, connection, and 00:00:17.399 --> 00:00:20.399 joy in your marriage when you're completely at 00:00:20.399 --> 00:00:23.300 odds, when there's resentment and anger in your 00:00:23.300 --> 00:00:26.839 heart, when one of you has really messed up big 00:00:26.839 --> 00:00:29.379 time? That's today on Living on the Edge. Stay 00:00:29.379 --> 00:00:33.939 with me. Can you truly rejoice when the person 00:00:33.939 --> 00:00:36.280 who hurt you is doing well? Well, that's the 00:00:36.280 --> 00:00:38.960 test of complete forgiveness. I'm Dave Drewy, 00:00:38.960 --> 00:00:41.039 and on this weekend edition of Living on the 00:00:41.039 --> 00:00:44.320 Edge, Chip Ingram explains the rhythm of forgiveness. 00:00:44.640 --> 00:00:46.939 We'll see how forgiveness has three distinct 00:00:46.939 --> 00:00:50.539 phases, an event, a process, and a destination. 00:00:50.939 --> 00:00:53.679 And Chip will give you a practical roadmap to 00:00:53.679 --> 00:00:56.439 help you set things right with your mate. If 00:00:56.439 --> 00:00:59.119 unresolved conflict is calcifying your heart 00:00:59.119 --> 00:01:01.600 and stealing your peace, this message offers 00:01:01.600 --> 00:01:04.280 the way forward. Well, here's Chip Ingram with 00:01:04.280 --> 00:01:07.359 a message titled, Forgiving, How to Restore Your 00:01:07.359 --> 00:01:10.620 Peace. Here's what I want to tell you. There's 00:01:10.620 --> 00:01:14.159 a difference between being forgiven and being 00:01:14.159 --> 00:01:16.959 restored. There's a lot of people who have been 00:01:16.959 --> 00:01:21.299 legally forgiven. Your sins are forgiven, but 00:01:21.299 --> 00:01:24.200 you live as a second -class citizen, or you're 00:01:24.200 --> 00:01:27.579 numbing yourself, or you have big walls between 00:01:27.579 --> 00:01:31.680 you and your mate and other people. Practical 00:01:31.680 --> 00:01:34.180 implications. and this gets to your marriage, 00:01:34.379 --> 00:01:38.439 is that you can't forgive your mate until you've 00:01:38.439 --> 00:01:42.819 received both forgiveness and restoration. And 00:01:42.819 --> 00:01:45.840 you would be shocked at what would happen if 00:01:45.840 --> 00:01:48.400 you received both God's forgiveness and his restoration 00:01:48.400 --> 00:01:51.459 of how that would allow you. Remember what Jesus 00:01:51.459 --> 00:01:54.400 said to the disciples? Freely you've received, 00:01:54.500 --> 00:01:58.879 freely give. I don't know if you pray the Lord's 00:01:58.879 --> 00:02:01.459 Prayer. I pray kind of often when I wake up. 00:02:02.170 --> 00:02:04.409 kind of go through Psalm 23 before I get out 00:02:04.409 --> 00:02:06.890 of bed, and I ponder what that is, and then I 00:02:06.890 --> 00:02:09.349 kind of phrase by phrase often as I lay there, 00:02:09.449 --> 00:02:11.689 because I want to, before I get bombarded in 00:02:11.689 --> 00:02:14.530 email or thoughts or problems, I want to, our 00:02:14.530 --> 00:02:18.509 Father, holy God, I want your name to be cherished 00:02:18.509 --> 00:02:21.969 in my mind and my thoughts. Give me this day. 00:02:22.729 --> 00:02:26.990 Forgive me of my sins, please, today, as I forgive 00:02:26.990 --> 00:02:30.400 those who trespass against me. You're going to 00:02:30.400 --> 00:02:34.620 forgive as you have been forgiven. You know, 00:02:34.639 --> 00:02:37.419 for some of you, the reason you're so critical 00:02:37.419 --> 00:02:39.960 and you can't resolve conflict in your marriage 00:02:39.960 --> 00:02:45.000 is you're holding on to all kind of stuff. You 00:02:45.000 --> 00:02:49.259 must learn to receive and grant forgiveness as 00:02:49.259 --> 00:02:52.439 a regular rhythm of your life. And if you turn 00:02:52.439 --> 00:02:54.699 on the back of your notes, I want to give you 00:02:54.699 --> 00:02:59.610 a tool. Ephesians 4. 32, you'll need to look 00:02:59.610 --> 00:03:02.090 that up. I highly encourage you to memorize it. 00:03:02.449 --> 00:03:07.189 But be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving 00:03:07.189 --> 00:03:13.150 one another also, just as Christ forgave you. 00:03:13.909 --> 00:03:19.169 Be kind. Here's the key, tenderhearted, forgiving 00:03:19.169 --> 00:03:23.150 each other. How? Just as Christ has forgiven 00:03:23.150 --> 00:03:26.169 you. You know how he forgave you? Exactly the 00:03:26.169 --> 00:03:29.930 same way he forgave Peter. And until that happens, 00:03:30.050 --> 00:03:35.509 you will not release and forgive your mate. Dealing 00:03:35.509 --> 00:03:39.590 with your own guilt and shame under practical 00:03:39.590 --> 00:03:43.150 steps number four, it says, what do you need 00:03:43.150 --> 00:03:45.990 to do to fully forgive your mate and put the 00:03:45.990 --> 00:03:49.389 past behind you? You can write this under here, 00:03:49.509 --> 00:03:53.310 is deal with your own guilt and shame. Second 00:03:53.310 --> 00:03:55.550 is experience God's forgiveness and restoration. 00:03:56.330 --> 00:03:58.849 And then as you do that, freely give what you've 00:03:58.849 --> 00:04:03.569 received. And when you can realize, oh, ask, 00:04:03.750 --> 00:04:07.210 has God given you what you deserve? And you think, 00:04:07.330 --> 00:04:11.330 oh no, he's been merciful. Then you can't turn 00:04:11.330 --> 00:04:15.789 around and do anything but give mercy first to 00:04:15.789 --> 00:04:18.569 your mate and others what they don't deserve. 00:04:19.089 --> 00:04:21.649 The whole book of 1 John is whatever is true 00:04:21.649 --> 00:04:24.250 vertical, if it's not true horizontal, then it's 00:04:24.250 --> 00:04:26.980 really not true vertically. You say you love 00:04:26.980 --> 00:04:28.720 God and hate your neighbor, you're a liar and 00:04:28.720 --> 00:04:32.839 the truth isn't in you. Let me give you a very 00:04:32.839 --> 00:04:37.019 specific game plan to take next steps. Notice 00:04:37.019 --> 00:04:39.519 where it says, is there an issue you need to 00:04:39.519 --> 00:04:42.839 defuse? Because this is unpacking something. 00:04:43.019 --> 00:04:47.819 So this is a D -E -F -U -S -E. And I'm going 00:04:47.819 --> 00:04:53.829 to give you just a little acronym. We've talked 00:04:53.829 --> 00:04:55.889 about the truth. We've talked about the grace. 00:04:55.990 --> 00:04:58.850 We've talked about you reentering this. I just 00:04:58.850 --> 00:05:01.449 want to give you a little step -by -step plan 00:05:01.449 --> 00:05:06.930 that you say, okay, Lord, this is going to be 00:05:06.930 --> 00:05:09.089 hard. It's going to be painful. I'm going to 00:05:09.089 --> 00:05:11.730 have to address some issues. I'll need help. 00:05:13.009 --> 00:05:16.370 I'm going to go through this with my mate because 00:05:16.370 --> 00:05:18.889 I'm not going to let either what I've seen or 00:05:18.889 --> 00:05:21.329 what I've done in the past define me any longer. 00:05:21.790 --> 00:05:23.930 And I will not allow it to ruin my marriage. 00:05:24.170 --> 00:05:27.709 And by the way, as a child of a World War II 00:05:27.709 --> 00:05:30.629 vet who never dealt with this, I got news for 00:05:30.629 --> 00:05:33.769 you, man. I was one messed up guy for a long 00:05:33.769 --> 00:05:38.509 time. And despite as much I came to Christ as 00:05:38.509 --> 00:05:41.449 a young adult, and as much as I worked really 00:05:41.449 --> 00:05:44.129 hard and renewed my mind, I've had some very 00:05:44.129 --> 00:05:47.110 significant conversations, especially with my 00:05:47.110 --> 00:05:50.839 older boys. who said, hey, Dad, I'm glad you 00:05:50.839 --> 00:05:52.819 made a lot of progress, but I got news for you, 00:05:52.839 --> 00:05:55.839 Dad. You passed on a lot of that stuff, that 00:05:55.839 --> 00:05:58.040 bad stuff that your dad, that he didn't deal 00:05:58.040 --> 00:06:00.939 with, some of your wounds, you passed on to us. 00:06:01.500 --> 00:06:03.319 And we've had some very honest conversations. 00:06:03.620 --> 00:06:06.800 There's a lot on the line, people. There's a 00:06:06.800 --> 00:06:11.500 lot on the line. There's no little boxes that 00:06:11.500 --> 00:06:14.339 get hidden. No more numbness. No more saying, 00:06:14.420 --> 00:06:16.240 I'm not going to engage. I'm not going to let 00:06:16.240 --> 00:06:18.339 my maid in. Oh, I don't want to go to a counselor. 00:06:18.519 --> 00:06:20.579 I don't want to deal with this. It's too painful. 00:06:20.680 --> 00:06:25.959 I'm just going to bury it. Stop it. The God of 00:06:25.959 --> 00:06:28.660 grace brought you here to re -engage in the most 00:06:28.660 --> 00:06:31.800 painful things in your life. And it will be the 00:06:31.800 --> 00:06:35.100 salve of both truth and looking at things and 00:06:35.100 --> 00:06:39.220 facing them honestly. And receiving grace at 00:06:39.220 --> 00:06:41.860 the same time that's the heart behind a new beginning. 00:06:42.139 --> 00:06:45.720 Here's how you do it, defuse. The D stands for 00:06:45.720 --> 00:06:51.279 define the issue clearly. I don't know what yours 00:06:51.279 --> 00:06:54.579 is. Could have been an event. Could be something 00:06:54.579 --> 00:06:57.819 you did. Could be a lie. I don't know what it 00:06:57.819 --> 00:07:02.180 is. But I'm gonna take a wild guess that a lot 00:07:02.180 --> 00:07:03.839 of you are not thinking, oh gosh, I wonder what 00:07:03.839 --> 00:07:06.980 that is. I'm thinking it's coming to your mind. 00:07:08.129 --> 00:07:13.350 The E, enter the pain and hurt. Just decide, 00:07:13.490 --> 00:07:17.319 you know. No more denial. No more blaming. No 00:07:17.319 --> 00:07:19.759 more criticizing. No, I don't need that help. 00:07:19.879 --> 00:07:22.600 All that psychology, that counseling stuff. No, 00:07:22.699 --> 00:07:25.019 no, no, no. I'm going to enter the pain. I'm 00:07:25.019 --> 00:07:27.079 going to enter the hurt. I'm going to go back 00:07:27.079 --> 00:07:29.439 to where the coal was burning when it happened. 00:07:29.579 --> 00:07:31.639 I'm going to go back to when I was called, and 00:07:31.639 --> 00:07:33.399 I'm going to go right through that, but this 00:07:33.399 --> 00:07:35.199 time I'm going to go through it with a God who 00:07:35.199 --> 00:07:37.699 loves me, who's paid for it, who cares for me, 00:07:37.779 --> 00:07:42.579 and he's going to give me grace. The F is ask 00:07:42.579 --> 00:07:48.180 for forgiveness. If you haven't, I'm amazed at 00:07:48.180 --> 00:07:51.519 the number of people I meet who have things, 00:07:51.660 --> 00:07:55.639 and some of it is like, I got thrown into a situation. 00:07:55.800 --> 00:07:59.259 I feel overwhelmingly guilty. I needed to do, 00:07:59.360 --> 00:08:02.259 I had to do what I did, and yet I feel overwhelmingly 00:08:02.259 --> 00:08:05.259 guilty. Well, just take it to God and say, I 00:08:05.259 --> 00:08:08.500 didn't sign up for this or this or that, but 00:08:08.500 --> 00:08:11.560 let's just get it clear. Just forgive me and 00:08:11.560 --> 00:08:14.860 cleanse me. David prayed that. He said, God, 00:08:14.920 --> 00:08:16.899 forgive me for the stuff that I don't even know 00:08:16.899 --> 00:08:19.439 about, even for presumptuous sin or stuff in 00:08:19.439 --> 00:08:22.579 my heart. Just once and for all, draw a line 00:08:22.579 --> 00:08:25.199 in the sand and ask God to help you and forgive 00:08:25.199 --> 00:08:28.620 you for anything done or anything done to you 00:08:28.620 --> 00:08:33.840 or any shame that you feel or any acts or acts 00:08:33.840 --> 00:08:40.379 of omission. And then the you is understand the 00:08:40.379 --> 00:08:44.730 process. I think people get very confused about 00:08:44.730 --> 00:08:47.090 forgiveness, whether it's forgiving someone else 00:08:47.090 --> 00:08:50.830 or even at times how God forgives us. There's 00:08:50.830 --> 00:08:53.629 three phases to forgiveness. There's three tenses 00:08:53.629 --> 00:08:56.950 of the verb. When I'm going to forgive someone, 00:08:57.269 --> 00:08:59.889 it's a choice. By the way, it was a choice. Jesus 00:08:59.889 --> 00:09:02.870 chose to forgive you. It was an event. When he 00:09:02.870 --> 00:09:07.570 died on the cross, he forgave you. God spared 00:09:07.570 --> 00:09:09.490 not his own son, but delivered him up for us 00:09:09.490 --> 00:09:12.429 all. He forgave you when he died on the cross. 00:09:12.649 --> 00:09:15.289 For God so loved the world, he gave his one and 00:09:15.289 --> 00:09:17.649 only son, that whosoever would believe in him 00:09:17.649 --> 00:09:22.090 might not perish but have eternal life. 1 John 00:09:22.090 --> 00:09:24.370 says he died for us, not only for us, but for 00:09:24.370 --> 00:09:27.110 false prophets. He's died for all people of all 00:09:27.110 --> 00:09:31.610 time. The only question is, will you receive 00:09:31.610 --> 00:09:35.809 it? So forgiveness is, say my wife does something, 00:09:35.909 --> 00:09:38.590 hurts me very deeply, I choose to forgive her. 00:09:38.940 --> 00:09:43.299 That's phase one. Phase two is a process, forgiving. 00:09:46.000 --> 00:09:49.779 Some of you have been betrayed or hurt or had 00:09:49.779 --> 00:09:54.220 horrendous things happen or been abused and you 00:09:54.220 --> 00:09:58.240 forgive, but then there's a flash or there's 00:09:58.240 --> 00:10:00.919 a song or there's an event and it stirs up the 00:10:00.919 --> 00:10:03.080 emotions and it feels like the scab gets pulled 00:10:03.080 --> 00:10:05.519 off and the anger flares up and you feel like, 00:10:05.559 --> 00:10:07.240 well, maybe I haven't forgiven him. No, no, no, 00:10:07.259 --> 00:10:12.139 no. You're in the process. So once you choose 00:10:12.139 --> 00:10:16.580 to forgive, then you start to pray for the person 00:10:16.580 --> 00:10:21.840 who hurt you. It says, bless those, remember 00:10:21.840 --> 00:10:24.919 Jesus? What do you do with your enemies? Bless 00:10:24.919 --> 00:10:28.399 those who persecute you. Bless and curse not, 00:10:28.539 --> 00:10:32.039 Romans 12. If your enemy hurts you, pray for 00:10:32.039 --> 00:10:35.139 him. All I can tell you is it will release your 00:10:35.139 --> 00:10:41.409 anger and free you. I've been betrayed most painfully 00:10:41.409 --> 00:10:43.809 in ministry situations. Won't go into any of 00:10:43.809 --> 00:10:47.070 the details, but some of you would understand 00:10:47.070 --> 00:10:51.330 when you're so livid, you could do some things 00:10:51.330 --> 00:10:53.950 to a person because it's so unfair and so bad 00:10:53.950 --> 00:10:55.850 that you would regret the rest of your life. 00:10:55.929 --> 00:10:59.889 I've been there. And I don't want to forgive. 00:11:01.190 --> 00:11:04.529 In fact, for a few weeks, I refused to forgive. 00:11:05.029 --> 00:11:08.440 I'm not letting them off the hook. And then I 00:11:08.440 --> 00:11:10.860 came to the realization, so would you like me 00:11:10.860 --> 00:11:14.379 to not let you off the hook? No. Well, then read 00:11:14.379 --> 00:11:15.919 the Lord's Prayer a little more carefully, Chip. 00:11:16.980 --> 00:11:18.940 Because if you don't forgive them, I don't forgive 00:11:18.940 --> 00:11:23.379 you. You're listening to Living on the Edge with 00:11:23.379 --> 00:11:25.799 Chip Ingram, and there's more coming up in just 00:11:25.799 --> 00:11:28.559 a moment. If you missed any part of today's message, 00:11:28.679 --> 00:11:30.879 or if you'd like to share it with a friend, you 00:11:30.879 --> 00:11:33.860 can find it anytime online at livingontheedge 00:11:33.860 --> 00:11:36.799 .org. And while you're there, you'll also discover 00:11:36.799 --> 00:11:39.700 a full library of Chip's teaching series, small 00:11:39.700 --> 00:11:42.399 group resources, and practical tools to help 00:11:42.399 --> 00:11:44.940 strengthen your relationships. Take advantage 00:11:44.940 --> 00:11:48.759 of all we have available at livingontheedge .org. 00:11:49.259 --> 00:11:52.220 Well, now back to our message. Okay, so it's 00:11:52.220 --> 00:11:54.159 a choice. By the way, you don't have to feel 00:11:54.159 --> 00:11:56.919 it. You choose it. I choose, I would write it 00:11:56.919 --> 00:11:59.460 down, here's the date. Well, then my emotions, 00:11:59.679 --> 00:12:03.059 forgiveness is an act of the will, but your emotions 00:12:03.059 --> 00:12:05.700 are a process. And so then I begin to pray for 00:12:05.700 --> 00:12:07.840 this person. Lord, help him see what a jerk he 00:12:07.840 --> 00:12:11.820 is. Lord, I pray that you'd help him to see what 00:12:11.820 --> 00:12:14.320 he did, how bad it was, and that he would publicly 00:12:14.320 --> 00:12:17.019 say it and come back and apologize to me. Those 00:12:17.019 --> 00:12:21.120 were my early prayers. And the Lord said, well, 00:12:21.139 --> 00:12:22.879 that's really not the blessing that I have in 00:12:22.879 --> 00:12:26.480 mind. And reluctantly, I'm talking a two -year 00:12:26.480 --> 00:12:31.919 process. And so now I'm, Lord, would you bless 00:12:31.919 --> 00:12:35.860 his marriage? Okay, would you bless his marriage? 00:12:35.899 --> 00:12:39.820 Would you help his children? He happened to be 00:12:39.820 --> 00:12:42.000 someone that was in ministry. Lord, oh gosh, 00:12:42.159 --> 00:12:44.740 this is painful. Would you bless the work of 00:12:44.740 --> 00:12:48.720 his hands? Would you cause good to come to him? 00:12:49.509 --> 00:12:51.929 And all I can tell you is every time I took the 00:12:51.929 --> 00:12:54.009 Lord's Supper, I made a vow, and I don't make 00:12:54.009 --> 00:12:56.470 many vows at all before God. I will never take 00:12:56.470 --> 00:12:58.250 the Lord's Supper until I go through again the 00:12:58.250 --> 00:13:01.210 process of blessing and calling down your goodness 00:13:01.210 --> 00:13:04.289 upon this person who did this to me. And little 00:13:04.289 --> 00:13:06.149 by little by little, you know what changed? My 00:13:06.149 --> 00:13:09.009 emotions. And then it was about a year in, someone 00:13:09.009 --> 00:13:12.370 came and just was from another town and visited 00:13:12.370 --> 00:13:14.909 this person and said, oh, hey, did you hear about 00:13:14.909 --> 00:13:16.470 so -and -so? And told me something good about 00:13:16.470 --> 00:13:19.850 him. So being the semi -hypocritical pastor that 00:13:19.850 --> 00:13:22.490 I am, I smiled and said, oh, wow, that's great. 00:13:22.629 --> 00:13:26.929 My insides were, that is such a bummer. God is 00:13:26.929 --> 00:13:30.049 answering my prayer. Down deep, I don't want 00:13:30.049 --> 00:13:31.850 him to answer my prayer. I want him to get what 00:13:31.850 --> 00:13:35.429 he deserves. See, I still had the payback. So 00:13:35.429 --> 00:13:38.509 I'm forgive choice. Forgiving is the emotional 00:13:38.509 --> 00:13:41.759 journey. I kept praying. Every Lord's Supper 00:13:41.759 --> 00:13:44.980 and every time he came to mine or when I'd have 00:13:44.980 --> 00:13:47.639 a, I call it a flashback. I mean, I had anger 00:13:47.639 --> 00:13:50.840 fantasies. I had images of different things I 00:13:50.840 --> 00:13:52.679 was gonna do to embarrass him and blah, blah, 00:13:52.720 --> 00:13:54.740 blah, blah, blah, blah. And every time this would 00:13:54.740 --> 00:13:57.100 come, I would start praying for him. And it was 00:13:57.100 --> 00:13:59.340 about right around two years, someone came in 00:13:59.340 --> 00:14:01.440 again, had visited where he was ministering and 00:14:01.440 --> 00:14:05.120 said something good about him and what the blessing 00:14:05.120 --> 00:14:07.620 of God on his life and how well something was 00:14:07.620 --> 00:14:10.019 going. And before I could even think, my immediate 00:14:10.019 --> 00:14:15.320 reaction was joy. I was grateful. Phase one, 00:14:15.539 --> 00:14:20.500 forgive, willful choice, an event on a certain 00:14:20.500 --> 00:14:24.649 day and time. Phase two, forgiving, a process 00:14:24.649 --> 00:14:27.470 and a journey. Every time your emotions go up 00:14:27.470 --> 00:14:29.870 and down, when you feel anger and the things 00:14:29.870 --> 00:14:35.049 come back up. Phase three, forgiven. You actually 00:14:35.049 --> 00:14:40.950 can rejoice that the person who hurt you is doing 00:14:40.950 --> 00:14:44.470 well. Because ultimately, isn't that what God 00:14:44.470 --> 00:14:51.360 wants for everyone? Restoration. Some of you 00:14:51.360 --> 00:14:53.179 need to remember that's how it works with you. 00:14:54.159 --> 00:14:57.299 So you've asked God to forgive you and you have 00:14:57.299 --> 00:15:00.240 emotional times where you feel overwhelmed and 00:15:00.240 --> 00:15:03.340 guilty and you still struggle. Guess what? Then 00:15:03.340 --> 00:15:06.879 you just reverse it. And so God, thank you. Thank 00:15:06.879 --> 00:15:09.080 you that you forgive me. Thank you as far as 00:15:09.080 --> 00:15:11.679 the east is from the west. I may be bringing 00:15:11.679 --> 00:15:14.100 this up in my mind, but it's not in your mind. 00:15:14.720 --> 00:15:17.580 God, and you sow gratitude and you pray and you 00:15:17.580 --> 00:15:20.759 ask. And so you begin to do for yourself exactly 00:15:20.759 --> 00:15:23.899 what we do with someone who would hurt you. And 00:15:23.899 --> 00:15:28.259 so D is define it clearly. E is enter the pain 00:15:28.259 --> 00:15:33.960 and the hurt. F is ask forgiveness. F is just 00:15:33.960 --> 00:15:38.379 forgive. U is understand the process. And then 00:15:38.379 --> 00:15:41.440 now we shift to... our horizontal relationships. 00:15:41.759 --> 00:15:46.940 The S is set things right between you. Okay, 00:15:46.960 --> 00:15:48.919 now this was a lot of personal work up to now. 00:15:50.940 --> 00:15:55.200 Some of you have issues in your relationship 00:15:55.200 --> 00:15:57.659 that are unresolved and you have not forgiven 00:15:57.659 --> 00:16:00.299 your husband or you've not forgiven your mate. 00:16:00.919 --> 00:16:04.259 Okay? Now a lot of it has to do with all this, 00:16:04.299 --> 00:16:07.740 but here's the S. Set things right between you. 00:16:09.230 --> 00:16:15.230 Own your responsibility. If I told you how many 00:16:15.230 --> 00:16:17.830 times in my mind, yes, we have a disagreement, 00:16:17.909 --> 00:16:21.909 we have a problem, but it's 90 % Teresa's fault 00:16:21.909 --> 00:16:26.730 and 10 % mine. And when she changes, then things 00:16:26.730 --> 00:16:32.450 will be fine. There's a lot of things, right? 00:16:33.250 --> 00:16:36.769 Matthew 5, 23 and 24 says, if therefore you come... 00:16:37.039 --> 00:16:39.820 before the altar to give your offering. And there, 00:16:39.860 --> 00:16:41.700 remember, your brother has something against 00:16:41.700 --> 00:16:44.519 you. Leave your offering at the altar. First 00:16:44.519 --> 00:16:47.019 go and be reconciled to your brother. Then return 00:16:47.019 --> 00:16:50.940 and make your offering. In other words, being 00:16:50.940 --> 00:16:53.860 right is far less important than a right relationship. 00:16:54.320 --> 00:16:57.419 If you're convinced that it's 90 % his fault 00:16:57.419 --> 00:17:00.100 and 10 % yours, and you know there's a conflict, 00:17:00.720 --> 00:17:05.000 You go and own your 10%. Honey, I am so sorry 00:17:05.000 --> 00:17:07.700 that when you did this, I responded in this way. 00:17:08.019 --> 00:17:11.359 You go own your 10 % because it causes the beginning 00:17:11.359 --> 00:17:16.140 to start. So you own your part. And then are 00:17:16.140 --> 00:17:20.000 you ready? This is a bit odd. Confess. These 00:17:20.000 --> 00:17:25.460 are, I was wrong. When's the last time your mate 00:17:25.460 --> 00:17:29.480 heard that? I want to own my part. I was wrong. 00:17:30.000 --> 00:17:34.059 And the third phase, will you forgive me? And 00:17:34.059 --> 00:17:36.960 here's the response. The response is not your 00:17:36.960 --> 00:17:39.460 eyes going to the left or the right, your eyes 00:17:39.460 --> 00:17:42.279 looking down, your eyes wondering. Here's the 00:17:42.279 --> 00:17:45.559 response. You look them right in the eye and 00:17:45.559 --> 00:17:49.980 you say, yes, I forgive you. And it's a choice. 00:17:50.660 --> 00:17:54.480 And it may take your emotions a while to process 00:17:54.480 --> 00:17:59.170 that. But you set things right. You own your 00:17:59.170 --> 00:18:02.049 responsibility. You confess I was wrong. You 00:18:02.049 --> 00:18:04.789 ask for forgiveness. And then the E is establish 00:18:04.789 --> 00:18:07.430 a specific game plan of action to move forward. 00:18:09.009 --> 00:18:13.750 Okay, one of the other questions was, it just 00:18:13.750 --> 00:18:15.950 described how Teresa and I spent the first few 00:18:15.950 --> 00:18:18.349 years of our marriage. Big disagreement, you 00:18:18.349 --> 00:18:20.710 have an argument, and then you don't say anything 00:18:20.710 --> 00:18:23.789 for two or three or four days, and then you just 00:18:23.789 --> 00:18:26.319 pretend it didn't happen. And then you move on. 00:18:26.359 --> 00:18:28.240 And you know what you do? You just plant little 00:18:28.240 --> 00:18:30.400 seeds and you push them down into your soul. 00:18:31.279 --> 00:18:33.279 And it builds what's called a root of bitterness. 00:18:34.619 --> 00:18:38.000 And then you don't say anything, but the last 00:18:38.000 --> 00:18:39.859 thing in the world you ever want to do is make 00:18:39.859 --> 00:18:42.799 love with that person. Because your heart is 00:18:42.799 --> 00:18:46.019 getting hard. And you go through the motions. 00:18:46.660 --> 00:18:51.460 But your emotions, the tenderness, the connection, 00:18:51.799 --> 00:18:56.339 the joy. Because, you know what? Think of thin 00:18:56.339 --> 00:18:59.460 little layers. Unresolved conflict. Thin little 00:18:59.460 --> 00:19:02.140 layer of resentment. Thin little layer. Thin 00:19:02.140 --> 00:19:04.640 little layer. Thin little layer. Thin little 00:19:04.640 --> 00:19:06.900 layer. You don't forgive. You don't set things 00:19:06.900 --> 00:19:08.859 right. Thin little layer. You know what it's 00:19:08.859 --> 00:19:13.440 called? Calcification. And then pretty soon, 00:19:13.480 --> 00:19:15.559 you know, Jesus said, you know there's only one 00:19:15.559 --> 00:19:17.359 reason why people get a divorce according to 00:19:17.359 --> 00:19:21.279 Jesus? Moses gave the certificate of divorce 00:19:21.279 --> 00:19:27.839 because of the hardness of your heart. This topic 00:19:27.839 --> 00:19:29.740 on the front of your notes, if you turn it over, 00:19:29.900 --> 00:19:33.039 it says four biblical practices great marriages 00:19:33.039 --> 00:19:35.359 have in common. And we've talked about serving 00:19:35.359 --> 00:19:38.940 and planning. We talked about connecting, forgiving, 00:19:39.259 --> 00:19:44.730 and notice why? It's restoring your peace. You 00:19:44.730 --> 00:19:47.410 don't have peace when there's unresolved conflict 00:19:47.410 --> 00:19:49.589 in your heart towards your mate. And you don't 00:19:49.589 --> 00:19:51.750 have peace when there's unresolved conflict with 00:19:51.750 --> 00:19:54.349 you and God. And you don't have peace when you 00:19:54.349 --> 00:19:58.369 have unresolved conflict in your own life. And 00:19:58.369 --> 00:20:02.309 so all those things come together. Great marriages 00:20:02.309 --> 00:20:05.569 practice forgiving in a rhythm. You practice 00:20:05.569 --> 00:20:08.650 it with you and your father. You practice it 00:20:08.650 --> 00:20:11.170 in your own journey, in your own heart and life. 00:20:11.369 --> 00:20:14.359 And you practice it with your mate. I'd like 00:20:14.359 --> 00:20:17.000 you to think about just in your marriage relationship, 00:20:17.099 --> 00:20:20.240 is there anything that you need to make right 00:20:20.240 --> 00:20:23.980 with your mate? Just pause quietly. And if not, 00:20:24.039 --> 00:20:29.420 great. Just say, Lord, is there anything I just 00:20:29.420 --> 00:20:35.720 need to tell her or tell him? I'm sorry. I was 00:20:35.720 --> 00:20:40.720 wrong. It could be little. It could be big. If 00:20:40.720 --> 00:20:43.599 it's a super heavy, heavy thing, get some counsel 00:20:43.599 --> 00:20:47.460 before you talk with your mate. Dropping bombs 00:20:47.460 --> 00:20:52.920 without a game plan is not a good plan. Lord, 00:20:53.000 --> 00:20:57.440 thank you that you will heal everything in our 00:20:57.440 --> 00:21:01.400 hearts personally and in our marriages. Lord, 00:21:01.519 --> 00:21:05.680 together we covenant before you to have marriages 00:21:05.680 --> 00:21:10.650 that reflect Jesus and the church. We're asking 00:21:10.650 --> 00:21:13.630 you now for the courage to face hard things. 00:21:15.250 --> 00:21:17.769 We ask for the faith to believe that you love 00:21:17.769 --> 00:21:22.250 us as much as you do. And God, we ask for the 00:21:22.250 --> 00:21:25.930 grace to treat our mates the way that you've 00:21:25.930 --> 00:21:31.670 treated us. This is Living on the Edge with Chip 00:21:31.670 --> 00:21:34.329 Ingram and the end of a message titled, Forgiving, 00:21:34.490 --> 00:21:37.980 How to Restore Your Peace. Today, Chip unpacked 00:21:37.980 --> 00:21:40.819 the three phases of forgiveness and gave us the 00:21:40.819 --> 00:21:44.160 DEFUSE acronym, a practical game plan for restoring 00:21:44.160 --> 00:21:47.240 peace. Chip will be back with one final word 00:21:47.240 --> 00:21:50.039 in just a moment. Friend, countless marriages 00:21:50.039 --> 00:21:53.000 are being transformed right now because listeners 00:21:53.000 --> 00:21:56.140 invest in this Bible teaching ministry. Couples 00:21:56.140 --> 00:21:58.720 are learning to forgive, connect deeply, and 00:21:58.720 --> 00:22:01.700 choose love daily. When you support Living on 00:22:01.700 --> 00:22:03.900 the Edge, you're making that transformation possible 00:22:03.900 --> 00:22:07.170 for families around the world. Would you join 00:22:07.170 --> 00:22:10.349 this mission today? Give online at livingontheedge 00:22:10.349 --> 00:22:16.269 .org or call us at 888 -333 -6003. You can also 00:22:16.269 --> 00:22:19.430 mail your gift to Living on the Edge, P .O. Box 00:22:19.430 --> 00:22:25.130 3007, Atlanta, Georgia 30024. Now to go deeper 00:22:25.130 --> 00:22:27.069 on what we've covered throughout this series, 00:22:27.210 --> 00:22:30.309 check out Chip's book, I Choose Love. The title 00:22:30.309 --> 00:22:33.430 really says it all. Love is a decision, not just 00:22:33.430 --> 00:22:36.650 an emotion. Chip unpacks how God's agape love 00:22:36.650 --> 00:22:39.990 from Philippians 2 operates on an entirely different 00:22:39.990 --> 00:22:42.950 level than what our culture promotes. Whether 00:22:42.950 --> 00:22:45.670 it's your marriage, your family dynamics, or 00:22:45.670 --> 00:22:48.190 your friendships, applying this biblical framework 00:22:48.190 --> 00:22:52.170 changes everything. Get your copy at livingontheedge 00:22:52.170 --> 00:22:55.430 .org and start making the choice to love like 00:22:55.430 --> 00:22:58.960 God loves. Well, join Chip each weekday for practical 00:22:58.960 --> 00:23:02.079 Bible teaching that transforms lives Monday through 00:23:02.079 --> 00:23:04.920 Friday. Plus, get every episode delivered to 00:23:04.920 --> 00:23:07.119 your phone by subscribing to the Living on the 00:23:07.119 --> 00:23:09.900 Edge podcast, available now on your favorite 00:23:09.900 --> 00:23:13.619 podcast app. Well, now here's Chip. As we wrap 00:23:13.619 --> 00:23:16.039 up today's program, in fact, wrap up a whole 00:23:16.039 --> 00:23:18.559 series, I have to tell you, this is one of those 00:23:18.559 --> 00:23:21.690 series. I wish we could keep on going. It's been 00:23:21.690 --> 00:23:24.490 really, really exciting for me as I've had the 00:23:24.490 --> 00:23:28.250 chance to coach or mentor couples. And, you know, 00:23:28.250 --> 00:23:30.289 I've been pretty honest about my relationship 00:23:30.289 --> 00:23:33.130 with Teresa and our ups and downs. And, you know, 00:23:33.150 --> 00:23:35.630 it's been a lot of hard work, but a lot of it 00:23:35.630 --> 00:23:38.730 has been being intentional and using these kind 00:23:38.730 --> 00:23:41.569 of tools. And so, you know, today I talked about 00:23:41.569 --> 00:23:45.029 that tool to resolve conflict with the acronym 00:23:45.029 --> 00:23:49.369 DIFFUSE. Let me encourage you. If you have some 00:23:49.369 --> 00:23:52.410 challenges, if you need to get on the same page 00:23:52.410 --> 00:23:55.710 and bridge the gap between anger and forgiveness 00:23:55.710 --> 00:23:58.690 and deal with some things, go to the website 00:23:58.690 --> 00:24:02.910 livingontheedge .org and download the notes and 00:24:02.910 --> 00:24:06.490 walk through that process of diffuse. Let me 00:24:06.490 --> 00:24:09.809 just encourage you, make your marriage the number 00:24:09.809 --> 00:24:13.069 two priority in everything that you do. Number 00:24:13.069 --> 00:24:15.630 one, your own personal development and growth 00:24:15.630 --> 00:24:18.509 in your relationship with Jesus Christ. And number 00:24:18.509 --> 00:24:21.029 two, your marriage. And what I will tell you 00:24:21.029 --> 00:24:24.650 is everything else will fall into place. Everything 00:24:24.650 --> 00:24:27.930 else will be where it needs to be. But these 00:24:27.930 --> 00:24:30.910 two things are where you need to make your primary 00:24:30.910 --> 00:24:34.369 focus. As those priorities are clear and you 00:24:34.369 --> 00:24:36.809 seek God's kingdom, he'll take care of the rest. 00:24:36.970 --> 00:24:40.450 May your marriage grow deep and strong and may 00:24:40.450 --> 00:24:43.500 you go for it like never before. I'm Dave Drewy, 00:24:43.500 --> 00:24:46.019 inviting you to join us next time as we continue 00:24:46.019 --> 00:24:49.460 our study on choosing love here on the weekend 00:24:49.460 --> 00:24:55.839 edition of Living on the Edge. Today's program 00:24:55.839 --> 00:24:58.619 is produced and sponsored by Living on the Edge.