WEBVTT 00:00:11.439 --> 00:00:14.179 Today on Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. 00:00:14.240 --> 00:00:17.559 We all know that the love that transforms is 00:00:17.559 --> 00:00:21.239 unconditional love. And when we love our mates 00:00:21.239 --> 00:00:24.300 in the way that God loves us, great things happen. 00:00:24.620 --> 00:00:28.440 But what's the practical way to do that? How 00:00:28.440 --> 00:00:31.399 do you love your mate in a way that really makes 00:00:31.399 --> 00:00:36.479 sense to them? That's today. Stay with me. Have 00:00:36.479 --> 00:00:38.439 you ever felt like you and your spouse are missing 00:00:38.439 --> 00:00:41.359 each other? You're trying to show love, but somehow 00:00:41.359 --> 00:00:44.119 it's not landing. On this weekend edition of 00:00:44.119 --> 00:00:47.039 Living on the Edge, Chip Ingram continues unpacking 00:00:47.039 --> 00:00:49.619 the five love languages. Words of affirmation, 00:00:49.679 --> 00:00:52.679 quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, 00:00:52.840 --> 00:00:55.920 and physical touch. When you discover which language 00:00:55.920 --> 00:00:58.679 fills your spouse's emotional tank, everything 00:00:58.679 --> 00:01:01.840 shifts. Through biblical guidance and some honest 00:01:01.840 --> 00:01:04.340 stories from his own marriage, Chip will help 00:01:04.340 --> 00:01:06.840 you identify what makes your spouse feel truly 00:01:06.840 --> 00:01:09.590 loved. Well, here's Chip Ingram with a message 00:01:09.590 --> 00:01:13.349 titled, Serving, How to Deepen Your Love. We're 00:01:13.349 --> 00:01:16.469 going to learn the five languages of love. And 00:01:16.469 --> 00:01:18.670 I'm going to tell you, it'll be the beginning 00:01:18.670 --> 00:01:21.769 of a new day. I'll give you the picture of this 00:01:21.769 --> 00:01:26.150 is how this works. So my kind of one of my love 00:01:26.150 --> 00:01:29.629 languages are words that affirm. And another 00:01:29.629 --> 00:01:32.650 love language of mine is physical touch. Probably 00:01:32.650 --> 00:01:35.750 after that is quality time. And by God's grace, 00:01:35.890 --> 00:01:38.469 that's... Quality time is probably her number 00:01:38.469 --> 00:01:41.209 two and my number two. And so early in our marriage, 00:01:41.250 --> 00:01:43.909 I think I'm loving my wife. And so I'm telling 00:01:43.909 --> 00:01:46.090 her, you look beautiful. I love you, verbal. 00:01:46.310 --> 00:01:49.189 I care for you. You're wonderful. And by the 00:01:49.189 --> 00:01:51.890 way, she doesn't say that to me. I'm an extrovert. 00:01:51.969 --> 00:01:54.109 She's an introvert. She doesn't say a lot. There's 00:01:54.109 --> 00:01:55.829 times we get in the car and we're driving for 00:01:55.829 --> 00:01:59.709 30 minutes. I grew up in a family where you didn't 00:01:59.709 --> 00:02:01.650 take turns. You just interrupted one another. 00:02:02.189 --> 00:02:04.349 She came and visited my family, and it was like, 00:02:04.390 --> 00:02:06.450 these people are crazy. She didn't get a word 00:02:06.450 --> 00:02:11.389 in edgewise. Well, we're a verbal family. Hers, 00:02:11.530 --> 00:02:16.129 I mean, you hear a pin drop at supper, you know? 00:02:16.729 --> 00:02:19.250 And so we're driving in the car for like 30 minutes, 00:02:19.389 --> 00:02:22.789 and so being the man and having bizarre thoughts, 00:02:22.909 --> 00:02:24.590 I think, I wonder how long, I'm not going to 00:02:24.590 --> 00:02:26.830 say anything, and see how long it takes her to 00:02:26.830 --> 00:02:30.030 say something to me. You know? Okay, you know? 00:02:30.840 --> 00:02:34.400 You know, it's 10 minutes, 22 minutes. And we're 00:02:34.400 --> 00:02:36.460 getting ready to be where we're supposed to be. 00:02:36.580 --> 00:02:37.879 And, you know, she's looking out the window. 00:02:39.039 --> 00:02:43.460 You know, like that. And then, in the nick of 00:02:43.460 --> 00:02:47.219 time, she says this. I'll never forget it. She 00:02:47.219 --> 00:02:49.900 turns to me and she goes, isn't it wonderful 00:02:49.900 --> 00:02:52.180 just to be with a person that you love and not 00:02:52.180 --> 00:02:56.689 have to say a word? You know? On this drive, 00:02:56.810 --> 00:02:59.909 I've just looked at the hills and the animals, 00:02:59.990 --> 00:03:06.050 and it's been so beautiful. I'm thinking, I'm 00:03:06.050 --> 00:03:09.629 so glad I didn't say something on that one, you 00:03:09.629 --> 00:03:13.770 know. And so I would say things like that, and 00:03:13.770 --> 00:03:17.789 it meant nothing. And on another occasion, I 00:03:17.789 --> 00:03:19.330 thought, you know, I'm working really hard, and 00:03:19.330 --> 00:03:22.210 I wasn't real detail -oriented, to say the least. 00:03:22.780 --> 00:03:25.680 And we're in seminary. And so I go and get some 00:03:25.680 --> 00:03:29.560 flowers for her. You know, I played a lot of 00:03:29.560 --> 00:03:31.759 pickup basketball and I would lose track of time. 00:03:31.879 --> 00:03:33.599 And I kept coming home late and we always argue 00:03:33.599 --> 00:03:36.120 about it. And I was trying to make up for it, 00:03:36.159 --> 00:03:39.000 you know. So I bring these flowers or something. 00:03:39.039 --> 00:03:42.780 And she, what? She takes them like that. She 00:03:42.780 --> 00:03:46.099 says, what are you doing? Well, you don't like 00:03:46.099 --> 00:03:49.020 flowers? Chip, we only have $10 in our checking 00:03:49.020 --> 00:03:51.280 account. How much do those cost? Just a little 00:03:51.280 --> 00:03:55.699 bit more than $10. So here's what I want you 00:03:55.699 --> 00:03:58.719 to get. I'm trying to express my love in ways 00:03:58.719 --> 00:04:04.120 that are not communicating, all right? And so 00:04:04.120 --> 00:04:07.560 on her side, I mean, we're in marriage counseling, 00:04:07.740 --> 00:04:11.099 okay? We're trying. So she, I mean, cooks these 00:04:11.099 --> 00:04:13.479 great meals and the house is always beautiful. 00:04:13.780 --> 00:04:16.279 And I mean, she takes care of everything. I mean, 00:04:16.319 --> 00:04:20.839 just because one of her love languages is acts 00:04:20.839 --> 00:04:23.850 of service. So she's saying, I love you with 00:04:23.850 --> 00:04:25.889 a great meal. I'm saying, you know what? I'll 00:04:25.889 --> 00:04:28.110 eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Hug me 00:04:28.110 --> 00:04:30.470 like this and say, you're awesome, Chip, and 00:04:30.470 --> 00:04:32.089 you're handsome, and I think you're brilliant, 00:04:32.209 --> 00:04:35.329 and you look so sexy tonight, and you know, there's 00:04:35.329 --> 00:04:38.449 my love language, right? And you know, oh, the 00:04:38.449 --> 00:04:40.310 house looks really clean. You know, it is a wonderful 00:04:40.310 --> 00:04:43.389 meal, okay? You know, and so she's feeling like 00:04:43.389 --> 00:04:46.430 I'm rejecting her love. Now, guys, I'm going 00:04:46.430 --> 00:04:49.310 to skip ahead, all right? Because here, there's 00:04:49.310 --> 00:04:52.899 some real breakthroughs. As I learned to love 00:04:52.899 --> 00:04:56.180 her in a way that made sense to her, and she 00:04:56.180 --> 00:04:59.459 learned what my love language was, then what 00:04:59.459 --> 00:05:02.500 happens is you kind of get enough gas in the 00:05:02.500 --> 00:05:06.180 emotional tank to work on those things that some 00:05:06.180 --> 00:05:09.180 of them take a long time. There's fundamentals 00:05:09.180 --> 00:05:11.879 and skills, and you have to practice and practice 00:05:11.879 --> 00:05:13.620 and practice, and then you put it all together. 00:05:13.879 --> 00:05:16.920 It's a process. And you're going to be, you know, 00:05:16.959 --> 00:05:19.459 41 years, I'd like to say, oh, we don't argue. 00:05:19.579 --> 00:05:21.160 We never have any problems, but I'd be a liar. 00:05:21.899 --> 00:05:24.259 Now, we don't have the kind of arguments that 00:05:24.259 --> 00:05:27.160 attack each other. And, you know, after 41 years, 00:05:27.259 --> 00:05:30.480 I know her buttons and she knows mine. And I 00:05:30.480 --> 00:05:33.040 mean, I'm still, my love language is words of 00:05:33.040 --> 00:05:35.600 affirmation. So guess what? I'm super sensitive 00:05:35.600 --> 00:05:37.579 when the tone of her voice is even a little bit 00:05:37.579 --> 00:05:41.160 critical. If it's a 25 cent criticism, in my 00:05:41.160 --> 00:05:43.939 brain, it goes $25. And I can, you know, I've 00:05:43.939 --> 00:05:46.290 learned not to, respond too much, but ooh, it 00:05:46.290 --> 00:05:49.829 kind of hurts. So let's go through the five love 00:05:49.829 --> 00:05:52.170 languages, and then I'm going to give you some 00:05:52.170 --> 00:05:54.990 keys to discover yours. The first love language 00:05:54.990 --> 00:06:01.029 is words of affirmation. Some of us, words are 00:06:01.029 --> 00:06:08.910 super powerful. A compliment. A word of appreciation. 00:06:12.689 --> 00:06:21.930 For some, just saying some words, right? Recognizing 00:06:21.930 --> 00:06:27.269 things about your character. Saying something 00:06:27.269 --> 00:06:30.050 out loud in front of the children where a wife 00:06:30.050 --> 00:06:33.129 says she respects you. Being out in public and 00:06:33.129 --> 00:06:36.089 saying a compliment about your mate. Something 00:06:36.089 --> 00:06:38.670 you admire about them. And I don't mean in some 00:06:38.670 --> 00:06:41.569 phony, artificial way. And some people, you're 00:06:41.569 --> 00:06:44.410 not verbal. And you're married to someone that 00:06:44.410 --> 00:06:47.949 their number one love language is words of affirmation. 00:06:48.110 --> 00:06:50.930 And you know what? They're starving. And you 00:06:50.930 --> 00:06:53.689 go, but I cook great meals. They're starving. 00:06:54.069 --> 00:06:56.410 I gave him a nice gift or I gave her a nice gift. 00:06:56.509 --> 00:06:58.709 They're starving. What they need is words of 00:06:58.709 --> 00:07:02.449 affirmation. So what do you do? You go into training. 00:07:03.240 --> 00:07:06.199 And you come up with devices to become a person 00:07:06.199 --> 00:07:09.040 who shares words of affirmation because love 00:07:09.040 --> 00:07:15.540 is a choice. What is it that allows them to come 00:07:15.540 --> 00:07:18.639 alive? What fills their tank? And then you just 00:07:18.639 --> 00:07:21.600 become a student who says, I'm gonna flat out 00:07:21.600 --> 00:07:25.420 choose to figure out what fills her tank or fills 00:07:25.420 --> 00:07:28.680 his tank and whether it comes naturally or not 00:07:28.680 --> 00:07:31.439 naturally. How in the world can we give more 00:07:31.439 --> 00:07:33.860 energy to our profession, more energy to our 00:07:33.860 --> 00:07:36.939 business than we would to the person that we 00:07:36.939 --> 00:07:40.019 lie in the same bed with and say, I don't know 00:07:40.019 --> 00:07:44.079 what it's gonna take, but I'm gonna learn and 00:07:44.079 --> 00:07:46.139 that I'm gonna do it when it feels good. I'm 00:07:46.139 --> 00:07:47.779 gonna do it when I don't feel anything at all 00:07:47.779 --> 00:07:50.600 and I'm gonna do it when it feels bad. Because 00:07:50.600 --> 00:07:53.620 that's what love is. That's what real love is 00:07:53.620 --> 00:07:56.279 because you're gonna serve them. So words of 00:07:56.279 --> 00:07:59.540 affirmation is self -explanatory, but think of, 00:07:59.800 --> 00:08:01.620 Think of all the different things that you can 00:08:01.620 --> 00:08:05.199 say. Sometimes it's asking questions. Tell me 00:08:05.199 --> 00:08:07.620 a little bit more about that. How did that go? 00:08:07.860 --> 00:08:10.600 How did that make you feel? What happened in 00:08:10.600 --> 00:08:13.120 your day today? Wow, that's very interesting. 00:08:13.500 --> 00:08:17.439 That was very insightful. I just, you know, I'm 00:08:17.439 --> 00:08:19.740 amazed at how God has your mind work and you 00:08:19.740 --> 00:08:22.319 process information. You know, I really thought 00:08:22.319 --> 00:08:24.560 the way you interacted with our son after he 00:08:24.560 --> 00:08:26.980 was so disrespectful. Well, I tell you what. 00:08:27.449 --> 00:08:30.810 You're a godly man. I'm honored to be married 00:08:30.810 --> 00:08:35.269 to you. How you responded to your boss or that 00:08:35.269 --> 00:08:38.049 supervisor and the way he treated you. Wow, I'm 00:08:38.049 --> 00:08:40.450 so proud to be your husband or be your wife. 00:08:40.669 --> 00:08:45.549 The second one here is quality time. This is 00:08:45.549 --> 00:08:49.649 just being with one another. For me and Teresa, 00:08:49.909 --> 00:08:53.490 it is our common love language. And I'm guessing 00:08:53.490 --> 00:08:57.509 it's really probably number two. maybe 2 .5 for 00:08:57.509 --> 00:09:02.970 me. But I travel quite a bit, both here and internationally, 00:09:03.210 --> 00:09:06.830 and before have pastored some churches that were 00:09:06.830 --> 00:09:09.429 pretty large, and so a lot of demand. And so 00:09:09.429 --> 00:09:13.450 we, I mean, every Friday we had a date. And just 00:09:13.450 --> 00:09:15.070 because of the age of our kids, I would drop 00:09:15.070 --> 00:09:17.470 them off on Friday morning because I had Saturday 00:09:17.470 --> 00:09:19.649 night and Sunday services. And we just had a 00:09:19.649 --> 00:09:23.129 four -hour block, 25 years. And then what I learned 00:09:23.129 --> 00:09:25.129 was we had to connect because of our communication 00:09:25.129 --> 00:09:28.909 difficulties after supper every night for 10, 00:09:29.029 --> 00:09:32.009 15, sometimes 30 minutes, but working and connect. 00:09:32.149 --> 00:09:35.389 And we actually went through a script. I mean, 00:09:35.389 --> 00:09:36.850 it sounds real structured. You know, what are 00:09:36.850 --> 00:09:38.370 you concerned about? What do you wish? What are 00:09:38.370 --> 00:09:41.590 you willing to do? Until we just got where every 00:09:41.590 --> 00:09:45.169 day in supper or right afterwards, we would connect 00:09:45.169 --> 00:09:51.080 at the heart level. But we put it in. You're 00:09:51.080 --> 00:09:53.620 listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. 00:09:53.700 --> 00:09:56.200 Chip will continue today's message in just a 00:09:56.200 --> 00:09:58.899 moment, so stay with us. If today's teaching 00:09:58.899 --> 00:10:01.080 is resonating with you, there's more where this 00:10:01.080 --> 00:10:03.779 came from. The complete series, Choosing Love, 00:10:04.019 --> 00:10:07.559 is available right now at livingontheedge .org. 00:10:07.879 --> 00:10:10.600 You'll also find study notes, discussion questions, 00:10:10.919 --> 00:10:13.600 and resources to help you go deeper. Everything 00:10:13.600 --> 00:10:16.879 is waiting for you online at livingontheedge 00:10:16.879 --> 00:10:20.840 .org. Well, now let's continue with Chip's message. 00:10:21.740 --> 00:10:26.620 Today, we are early risers and we start most 00:10:26.620 --> 00:10:28.820 days in the wee hours of the morning where we 00:10:28.820 --> 00:10:32.700 get to see the stars. I learned acts of service. 00:10:32.820 --> 00:10:35.460 So 15 years ago, I started making coffee instead 00:10:35.460 --> 00:10:37.840 of her. I'd make it the night before and bring 00:10:37.840 --> 00:10:40.340 her a cup of coffee, sit on the floor and just 00:10:40.340 --> 00:10:43.720 talk. When I get home and we want to reconnect, 00:10:43.879 --> 00:10:45.480 often it'll be, hey, do you need to go to the 00:10:45.480 --> 00:10:47.419 grocery store or Target or anything? Because 00:10:47.419 --> 00:10:48.899 there's just something about when you've been 00:10:48.899 --> 00:10:51.259 away from each other. She hates to grocery shop. 00:10:51.480 --> 00:10:54.759 I mean, to me, Costco's like, whoa, you know? 00:10:55.720 --> 00:10:59.220 But just doing things together or do you need 00:10:59.220 --> 00:11:02.519 to run some errands? Just being together. You 00:11:02.519 --> 00:11:05.120 want to take a walk with the dog and you just 00:11:05.120 --> 00:11:08.440 hang out. And there's something that communicates 00:11:08.440 --> 00:11:11.279 to both of us that we're connected. when we just 00:11:11.279 --> 00:11:14.559 hang out together. And so we do a lot of hanging 00:11:14.559 --> 00:11:16.919 out. And the good news is that's easy for both 00:11:16.919 --> 00:11:21.840 of us. So for me, that acts of service are things 00:11:21.840 --> 00:11:25.620 fixed, are things picked up. Early in our marriage, 00:11:25.659 --> 00:11:28.139 she would work very hard and she would do all 00:11:28.139 --> 00:11:30.340 the laundry and it would be on the bed and stacked, 00:11:30.519 --> 00:11:32.919 you know, t -shirts and this and this and that. 00:11:33.179 --> 00:11:35.299 And so I would walk in being very busy and I 00:11:35.299 --> 00:11:36.600 would take all of them off the bed when it's 00:11:36.600 --> 00:11:38.179 time to go to bed and put them on the dresser. 00:11:39.750 --> 00:11:41.350 And they might be on the dresser for three or 00:11:41.350 --> 00:11:44.009 four days. And she would just look at me like, 00:11:44.210 --> 00:11:48.389 don't you love me? And I mean, you gotta understand, 00:11:48.490 --> 00:11:51.330 when you're as warped as I am, what do you mean, 00:11:51.389 --> 00:11:55.529 don't I love you? Well, there's all the clothes 00:11:55.529 --> 00:11:57.309 that I made and spent all that time to serve 00:11:57.309 --> 00:12:00.409 and love you on the dresser. And you know, forgive 00:12:00.409 --> 00:12:03.470 me, ladies, but I'm so hard -headed. What in 00:12:03.470 --> 00:12:05.649 the world does clothes on the bed got to do with 00:12:05.649 --> 00:12:08.870 love? Love's about kissing. Right? You know, 00:12:08.870 --> 00:12:17.129 love was like, in my brain, fixing the disposal 00:12:17.129 --> 00:12:22.289 and the washing machine leaks. What's love got 00:12:22.289 --> 00:12:27.610 to do with it? Got to do with it. And you know 00:12:27.610 --> 00:12:30.590 what I learned? I literally had to write these 00:12:30.590 --> 00:12:33.210 things on cards. And every time I build a habit, 00:12:33.309 --> 00:12:36.289 as soon as I see it, I put it away. As soon as 00:12:36.289 --> 00:12:38.809 I see it, I put it away. When I walk by the trash 00:12:38.809 --> 00:12:42.009 can each and every day, I look in there and she'll 00:12:42.009 --> 00:12:45.649 say, well, almost every day. But I, you know, 00:12:45.730 --> 00:12:49.429 it's, you know, because what I've learned, that 00:12:49.429 --> 00:12:52.629 means I love you. And I resisted and I didn't 00:12:52.629 --> 00:12:54.669 like it and it was ticked off and it didn't make 00:12:54.669 --> 00:12:57.049 sense. And then finally I thought, Chip, do you 00:12:57.049 --> 00:13:00.250 love your wife or not? Answer, yes. Well, if 00:13:00.250 --> 00:13:01.730 that means I love you to her, why don't you just 00:13:01.730 --> 00:13:04.850 shut up and do it? And so I just started shutting 00:13:04.850 --> 00:13:08.529 up and doing it. And then she has very sacrificially 00:13:08.529 --> 00:13:12.190 learned to talk and give words of affirmation 00:13:12.190 --> 00:13:15.789 and encouragement. And she would probably say, 00:13:15.950 --> 00:13:20.250 yes, he's verbal. We've had conversations where, 00:13:20.389 --> 00:13:26.480 oh my gosh. She's almost afraid. So what are 00:13:26.480 --> 00:13:28.120 you learning right now? Oh, I got to tell you. 00:13:29.159 --> 00:13:32.340 I don't want to hear it. She goes, I don't want 00:13:32.340 --> 00:13:35.620 the whole sermon right now. Let me get it later. 00:13:35.820 --> 00:13:38.480 Or what's going on with you? Or what happened 00:13:38.480 --> 00:13:41.139 when you were in China? Whatever. And I have 00:13:41.139 --> 00:13:44.580 to learn to, I'm still learning. But she listens. 00:13:44.820 --> 00:13:49.019 She asks questions. She gives me words of affirmation. 00:13:49.740 --> 00:13:53.279 And it fills my tank. And I'm learning to fill 00:13:53.279 --> 00:13:57.740 her tank. Words of affirmation, quality time. 00:13:58.759 --> 00:14:01.860 You drink coffee, you take walks, you go to coffee 00:14:01.860 --> 00:14:06.159 shops. Yes, you actually walk around those little 00:14:06.159 --> 00:14:09.759 shops, you know, and then at times sit on the 00:14:09.759 --> 00:14:11.279 bench outside and say, I'll just be here, why 00:14:11.279 --> 00:14:14.720 don't you take your time in there? But you go. 00:14:16.059 --> 00:14:20.279 The third is receiving gifts. Some people, that's 00:14:20.279 --> 00:14:22.940 their love language. And they don't have to be 00:14:22.940 --> 00:14:26.919 expensive. But, you know, you make something 00:14:26.919 --> 00:14:32.779 for them. Or sometimes they are expensive. And 00:14:32.779 --> 00:14:34.840 see, by the way, now here's where conflict comes. 00:14:34.980 --> 00:14:40.500 Some of us, by nature, are spenders. And some 00:14:40.500 --> 00:14:43.700 of us are savers. Some of us, when we see money 00:14:43.700 --> 00:14:45.720 and the way we think about money, we think about 00:14:45.720 --> 00:14:48.559 saving and investing and that's a good use of 00:14:48.559 --> 00:14:51.019 money. And other people think this is money and 00:14:51.019 --> 00:14:53.340 what you do is you spend it to love people and 00:14:53.340 --> 00:14:55.460 do wonderful things. When those two people get 00:14:55.460 --> 00:14:58.299 married, there's a little conflict. And if they 00:14:58.299 --> 00:15:00.960 can, you learn to communicate, it's a blessing 00:15:00.960 --> 00:15:04.159 because having money stacked up that make you 00:15:04.159 --> 00:15:07.200 feel secure somehow, and not enjoying the good 00:15:07.200 --> 00:15:09.639 gifts God's given is not very smart, or spending 00:15:09.639 --> 00:15:11.899 more than you actually have is not very smart 00:15:11.899 --> 00:15:15.840 either. But in this whole issue of gifts, some 00:15:15.840 --> 00:15:18.159 people love surprises, some people hate surprises. 00:15:18.480 --> 00:15:20.940 Some people are surprised what the gift is like, 00:15:21.059 --> 00:15:23.379 but it can be the gift of, I was actually talking 00:15:23.379 --> 00:15:26.620 with someone earlier and he was saying, you know, 00:15:26.659 --> 00:15:31.519 Valentine's Day, I got a card in my lunch. Then 00:15:31.519 --> 00:15:34.480 I got a card, like his wife. Little gifts, three 00:15:34.480 --> 00:15:37.519 little cards that said, you matter, I'm thinking 00:15:37.519 --> 00:15:40.200 of you, I value you. The gift of a phone call, 00:15:40.340 --> 00:15:43.120 the gift of a text, I'm thinking about you today. 00:15:43.580 --> 00:15:45.639 You know, I was at this little store and I know 00:15:45.639 --> 00:15:47.919 it's really crazy, but I know you collect those 00:15:47.919 --> 00:15:50.139 cups from different cities and I saw this as 00:15:50.139 --> 00:15:52.519 I was traveling and when I come home, I got it 00:15:52.519 --> 00:15:55.320 for you. You know, my wife likes pink, so sometimes 00:15:55.320 --> 00:15:57.580 when I'm traveling around and I'm not always 00:15:57.580 --> 00:16:00.070 sure about... I'm not the artist type, but you 00:16:00.070 --> 00:16:02.029 know, maybe it looks like it might fit her. And 00:16:02.029 --> 00:16:04.169 you know, I'm not very good at picking it out, 00:16:04.210 --> 00:16:06.789 but I'll just bring her something. And that's 00:16:06.789 --> 00:16:10.230 not real high on her list, but ask yourself, 00:16:10.289 --> 00:16:13.509 is that when you feel special? And often so much 00:16:13.509 --> 00:16:16.190 of this grew out of when you were a kid and your 00:16:16.190 --> 00:16:19.309 family and how they celebrated you. Ask yourself, 00:16:19.529 --> 00:16:23.490 words of affirmation, quality time, receiving 00:16:23.490 --> 00:16:29.059 gifts, acts of service. I mean, it's, It's helping 00:16:29.059 --> 00:16:32.840 out. It's working in the yard together. It's 00:16:32.840 --> 00:16:34.980 taking care of things. It's making sure they're 00:16:34.980 --> 00:16:38.200 fixed. For some of you, that comes really naturally. 00:16:38.399 --> 00:16:41.620 And by the way, here's the thing. The unconscious 00:16:41.620 --> 00:16:45.080 thing most of us do is whatever our love language 00:16:45.080 --> 00:16:48.659 is, we express that to our mate because since 00:16:48.659 --> 00:16:52.580 it is loving to us, we assume it's to them. And 00:16:52.580 --> 00:16:57.080 rarely is it the same. The final one here is 00:16:57.080 --> 00:17:00.379 physical touch. And most men rank that pretty 00:17:00.379 --> 00:17:02.679 high. Don't confuse that completely with sexual 00:17:02.679 --> 00:17:06.640 intercourse. I don't know that I've met many 00:17:06.640 --> 00:17:10.799 men ever who've told me most women probably have 00:17:10.799 --> 00:17:14.119 no idea how deeply affirming a man feels when 00:17:14.119 --> 00:17:16.220 his wife wants to be with him and really expresses 00:17:16.220 --> 00:17:19.339 her love sexually. It just is the way it is. 00:17:19.579 --> 00:17:21.960 But physical touch is far more than that. That 00:17:21.960 --> 00:17:25.220 can be a squeezing of the hand. It might be when 00:17:25.220 --> 00:17:28.470 you're sitting. You know, you sit close to them. 00:17:28.589 --> 00:17:30.690 It might be a tap on the shoulder when you pour 00:17:30.690 --> 00:17:33.430 a cup of coffee. It might be, you know, when 00:17:33.430 --> 00:17:35.150 you're sitting, you know, I've seen, you know, 00:17:35.170 --> 00:17:38.390 someone rub someone's hair. But there's people 00:17:38.390 --> 00:17:40.650 that, you know, our whole bodies are made to 00:17:40.650 --> 00:17:43.069 be touched. And there's something about, I mean, 00:17:43.089 --> 00:17:45.029 think of what happens in a crisis. What's the 00:17:45.029 --> 00:17:47.089 first thing that people do in the middle of a 00:17:47.089 --> 00:17:50.809 crisis when they see one another? They hug, right? 00:17:51.930 --> 00:17:54.930 So here's what I want you to do. I want you to 00:17:54.930 --> 00:17:58.660 write down. what you think your top two love 00:17:58.660 --> 00:18:02.380 languages are. And let me give you two ways. 00:18:03.559 --> 00:18:06.400 For many of you, it's like you know right now. 00:18:06.640 --> 00:18:10.299 But here's one way. What bothers you the most? 00:18:11.319 --> 00:18:15.279 What really bothers you the most? Like if, how 00:18:15.279 --> 00:18:17.819 come he didn't notice I did all the dishes? How 00:18:17.819 --> 00:18:19.759 come she didn't notice I cut the lawn, I fixed 00:18:19.759 --> 00:18:22.440 this, I did this, I did this? Or how come... 00:18:22.779 --> 00:18:24.500 I mean, she didn't even say thanks. There were 00:18:24.500 --> 00:18:26.920 no words. If it really bothers you, that's a 00:18:26.920 --> 00:18:29.259 good indicator it's your love language. The other 00:18:29.259 --> 00:18:33.579 one is, what do you ask for the most? I mean, 00:18:33.599 --> 00:18:35.759 when you're getting really honest and you're 00:18:35.759 --> 00:18:39.920 saying, hey, at some point in time, what says 00:18:39.920 --> 00:18:42.200 I love you to you? What are you asking for? What 00:18:42.200 --> 00:18:45.660 do you want from your mate the most? That is 00:18:45.660 --> 00:18:48.180 probably your number one love language. I mean, 00:18:48.200 --> 00:18:51.180 listen carefully. unconsciously what we do is 00:18:51.180 --> 00:18:54.359 we all have challenges in our marriage. And okay, 00:18:54.359 --> 00:18:56.259 it's a problem. And he does this or that, she 00:18:56.259 --> 00:18:58.759 does that. And she doesn't do this or he doesn't 00:18:58.759 --> 00:19:00.660 do this. And it really bothers you. And you keep 00:19:00.660 --> 00:19:02.460 looking at that and you focus on that and focus 00:19:02.460 --> 00:19:03.900 on that, focus on it. You know what you start 00:19:03.900 --> 00:19:06.000 doing? You start looking at your relationship 00:19:06.000 --> 00:19:08.839 through that lens. And then pretty soon, if this 00:19:08.839 --> 00:19:10.700 isn't a good marriage and I don't really like 00:19:10.700 --> 00:19:12.779 this and you become very, very negative. And 00:19:12.779 --> 00:19:14.539 the fact of the matter is if you would pull that 00:19:14.539 --> 00:19:18.269 way back, you have really in general, a really 00:19:18.269 --> 00:19:21.329 good marriage with lots of normal problems. And 00:19:21.329 --> 00:19:24.210 here's the thing. If you focus on that little 00:19:24.210 --> 00:19:28.069 10 or 20 % that's negative, it will grow. If 00:19:28.069 --> 00:19:33.009 you begin to fill up your mate's need for love 00:19:33.009 --> 00:19:35.390 in the language that makes sense to them, I will 00:19:35.390 --> 00:19:36.789 tell you what, this thing will keep shrinking 00:19:36.789 --> 00:19:39.250 and shrinking and shrinking and shrinking. And 00:19:39.250 --> 00:19:40.750 then there are some things, we're gonna talk 00:19:40.750 --> 00:19:43.490 about how you really deal with, but you'll have 00:19:43.490 --> 00:19:47.660 capacity. You have some capacity to deal with 00:19:47.660 --> 00:19:50.299 it in a way that isn't critical and it's not 00:19:50.299 --> 00:19:53.619 make or break. The biggest thing I see with couples 00:19:53.619 --> 00:19:56.339 is you think you have these problems that are 00:19:56.339 --> 00:19:59.259 insurmountable and you've fallen out of love 00:19:59.259 --> 00:20:02.500 and there's no hope or you're on the edge when 00:20:02.500 --> 00:20:04.579 what you don't realize is you're just on the 00:20:04.579 --> 00:20:06.640 25 -yard line. You just need to make a couple 00:20:06.640 --> 00:20:09.480 more first downs. And believe me, there's a great 00:20:09.480 --> 00:20:12.180 future ahead of you, but you got to make a couple 00:20:12.180 --> 00:20:15.490 first downs. We can't do this, Lord, without 00:20:15.490 --> 00:20:19.970 you. Fill us with your spirit. Fill us with your 00:20:19.970 --> 00:20:23.930 power. Lord, help us to choose to love when we 00:20:23.930 --> 00:20:26.930 don't feel like it. That's probably when we love 00:20:26.930 --> 00:21:06.809 the most. Get your copy of I Choose Love at livingontheedge 00:21:06.809 --> 00:21:10.019 .org. You know, it's encouraging to know that 00:21:10.019 --> 00:21:12.380 marriages across the country are being transformed 00:21:12.380 --> 00:21:15.160 as couples learn to communicate love effectively. 00:21:15.480 --> 00:21:18.180 Through Living on the Edge, husbands and wives 00:21:18.180 --> 00:21:20.720 are discovering practical biblical truth that 00:21:20.720 --> 00:21:23.839 rebuilds intimacy and restores passion. Your 00:21:23.839 --> 00:21:26.539 partnership fuels this ministry. When you give 00:21:26.539 --> 00:21:28.819 to Living on the Edge, you're investing in marriages 00:21:28.819 --> 00:21:31.480 that were on the brink, families that need hope, 00:21:31.599 --> 00:21:34.019 and the next generation watching their parents' 00:21:34.119 --> 00:21:37.220 example. Will you help? We've made it easy to 00:21:37.220 --> 00:21:40.359 give online. Just go to living on the edge .org 00:21:40.359 --> 00:21:43.359 or write to us through the mail at living on 00:21:43.359 --> 00:21:48.059 the edge. Post Office Box 3007, Atlanta, Georgia, 00:21:48.240 --> 00:21:52.299 30024. You can also call us and give over the 00:21:52.299 --> 00:21:57.779 phone. Just dial 888 -333 -6003. And by the way, 00:21:57.839 --> 00:22:00.079 full sermons are now available on the Living 00:22:00.079 --> 00:22:02.740 on the Edge podcast with a new feature called 00:22:02.740 --> 00:22:05.900 the Chip Ingram Sermon Podcast. You'll find these 00:22:05.900 --> 00:22:08.839 episodes right alongside our regular broadcasts 00:22:08.839 --> 00:22:11.700 on your podcast app. Well, now here's Chip with 00:22:11.700 --> 00:22:14.890 more on serving. As we wrap up today's program, 00:22:15.210 --> 00:22:17.769 I want to give you just a little bit of mentoring 00:22:17.769 --> 00:22:20.650 or coaching on how to put this into practice. 00:22:20.890 --> 00:22:25.109 By way of review, serving our mate is the way 00:22:25.109 --> 00:22:28.220 we express unconditional love. But then how do 00:22:28.220 --> 00:22:30.160 you serve them in a way that makes sense to them? 00:22:30.319 --> 00:22:33.420 I ask you near the end of this message to just 00:22:33.420 --> 00:22:37.180 write down two or three behaviors, things specifically 00:22:37.180 --> 00:22:39.960 that you know makes your mate feel loved. And 00:22:39.960 --> 00:22:41.799 if you're not sure what they are, just go ahead 00:22:41.799 --> 00:22:44.299 and ask them. At times I've asked Teresa, just 00:22:44.299 --> 00:22:46.519 write down. This may not sound romantic. Write 00:22:46.519 --> 00:22:49.259 down two or three things that when I do these 00:22:49.259 --> 00:22:52.279 things, you really feel loved. And guys, by the 00:22:52.279 --> 00:22:54.759 way, it might be taking out the garbage or helping 00:22:54.759 --> 00:22:57.099 with the vacuuming or something. you're thinking, 00:22:57.160 --> 00:22:59.039 you got to be kidding me. Well, here's the good 00:22:59.039 --> 00:23:02.259 news. Let them write it down and just choose 00:23:02.259 --> 00:23:06.059 to do it because people need to be loved in a 00:23:06.059 --> 00:23:08.460 way that makes sense to them. The second thing 00:23:08.460 --> 00:23:11.440 I talked about was learning your mate's top two 00:23:11.440 --> 00:23:14.779 love languages. I get this from the book Love 00:23:14.779 --> 00:23:18.000 Languages by Gary Chapman, and the five languages 00:23:18.000 --> 00:23:21.720 are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving 00:23:21.720 --> 00:23:25.720 gifts. acts of service and physical touch. And 00:23:25.720 --> 00:23:28.799 the only point here is this, is that we tend 00:23:28.799 --> 00:23:31.740 to give love in the way that it's meaningful 00:23:31.740 --> 00:23:35.440 to us. In other words, mine are words of affirmation 00:23:35.440 --> 00:23:38.680 and physical affection. Well, I thought, well, 00:23:38.740 --> 00:23:40.740 if I give that to Teresa, she's going to really 00:23:40.740 --> 00:23:44.319 feel loved. What I didn't realize was that's 00:23:44.319 --> 00:23:47.400 not her love language. Her number one love language 00:23:47.400 --> 00:23:50.640 is acts of service. So what I want you to do 00:23:50.640 --> 00:23:53.599 is just look at those five things. You can even 00:23:53.599 --> 00:23:55.519 check out the notes. We've got them right there. 00:23:55.680 --> 00:24:00.000 And then begin this week to love your mate in 00:24:00.000 --> 00:24:03.079 the language that makes sense to them. I found 00:24:03.079 --> 00:24:05.720 when I began to do acts of service around the 00:24:05.720 --> 00:24:08.819 house, cleaning up things, helping out with things, 00:24:08.960 --> 00:24:11.519 seeing what needed to be fixed, my wife started 00:24:11.519 --> 00:24:14.359 to feel very, very loved. When I had been telling 00:24:14.359 --> 00:24:17.299 her, I love you, and I'm for you, and I did all 00:24:17.299 --> 00:24:19.759 these what I thought were romantic things, and 00:24:19.759 --> 00:24:22.960 they were like BBs off of a tank. Let me encourage 00:24:22.960 --> 00:24:26.319 you. It may not sound sexy or life -changing. 00:24:27.119 --> 00:24:30.220 But isn't it interesting that the very last thing 00:24:30.220 --> 00:24:35.000 Jesus did, he served his disciples. And at the 00:24:35.000 --> 00:24:38.960 end of the day, when we follow his example, that's 00:24:38.960 --> 00:24:41.420 how you keep love alive in your marriage. Let's 00:24:41.420 --> 00:24:44.519 do that this week. I'm Dave Drewy, and we'll 00:24:44.519 --> 00:24:47.119 see you next time for a lesson on how to restore 00:24:47.119 --> 00:24:50.039 your peace. That's on the next weekend edition 00:24:50.039 --> 00:24:56.450 of Living on the Edge. Today's program is produced 00:24:56.450 --> 00:24:58.670 and sponsored by Living on the Edge.