What does it take to have a great marriage? Not
just an okay one or one that's barely surviving,
but a relationship that's life -giving and thriving.
I'm Dave Drewy, and coming up on this weekend
edition of Living on the Edge, we're revisiting
another program from our current series, Uninvited
Guests, recognizing and resisting the attacks
on your family. Today, our Bible teacher, Chip
Ingram, boils down a lot of the advice he's received
over the years and wisdom from Scripture into
three simple practices couples need to work on.
But before he gets going, let me encourage you
to download Chip's message notes. They're a great
resource available for every program. They contain
Chip's outline, all the Scripture he references,
and more. Check them out under the Broadcasts
tab at livingontheedge .org. App listeners tap
Fill in Notes. Well, Chip's got a lot of ground
to cover today, so here he is. Thanks so much,
Dave. You know, for the last two weeks, we talked
about lies that we all believe. They're embedded
in culture, in media, in life, in family of origin.
Now, what I want to talk about this week is three
skills that you must learn, develop, and practice
regularly if you want to have a great family.
And the key to having a great family, the foundation,
it always begins with a deep, intimate marriage.
And let's just go on record to say that is hard.
That is very, very challenging. And whether it's
busyness or we wound one another or we don't
understand each other, there are three vital
skills that you must learn. Let me give you what
they are. I'm going to cover one today. And I'm
going to spend two broadcasts on the second one
and two more on the last one. Because you can
identify the lies and you can try as hard as
you want. But without these skills, you will
never make it. Skill number one is learning the
skill of forgiving your mate. Skill number two
is communication. I don't mean talking. I don't
mean just sharing words. I mean... The entire
process, the sharing of your heart, the actual
transfer of what's on your mind and your heart
and your intent actually gets into the mind and
the heart of your mate. The last one is resolving
conflict. Maybe another way to say it is you
have to learn to fight fair. We're going to have
conflict about money, conflict about kids, conflict
about... sex, conflict about in -laws, conflict
about schedules, conflict about roles, conflict
about responsibilities, conflict about free time,
right? We're going to have conflict. Most couples
attack the other person instead of the problem
because they don't have a clear plan and they
don't know the skill of how to resolve conflict.
And before I talk about skill number one of forgiveness,
What I want some of you to hear is the most challenging,
most frustrating time I've ever had in my marriage
is when I recognized we needed to change. I recognized
we wanted to have a good marriage. I recognized
she was trying and I was trying. But no matter
what I said or what I did, my best efforts actually
made things worse instead of better. I got so
discouraged. I really came to the point, I wondered,
can this marriage make it? And so I have been
there. And I want you to know there's hope. This
series is not about learning more truth about
marriage or learning more about communication
and nodding and trying a little something. This
is about you saying, I'm going to do this. I
am going to learn to communicate. I'm going to
go into training. I now know the lies that I
believe that over time, the enemy will use these.
In my moments of weakness, my flesh will use
these. And the world system is designed to use
these lies to absolutely destroy my marriage.
The God of the universe wants your relationship
with your mate. to demonstrate the love of Jesus
with his church? Perfect? No. Significant? Rich?
Deep? Fulfilling? Ups and downs, of course. Hard
seasons? Yes. But an intimacy, a oneness of mind
and soul and body and spirit and emotions. It's
not only possible, it's God's will. But we've
so long believed so many lies. We get off track
not even knowing how we got off track. And secondly,
if you don't have these skills of forgiving and
communication and resolving conflict, you will
not be able to get through the hard, rough times
life will bring. So here we go. Let me spend
my time with you today talking about forgiveness,
what it is and what it's not. First, what it's
not. It's not a magic bullet where you say two
little words, I'm sorry, and then everything's
okay. It's also not, I've forgiven them, so I
guess all the hurt, all the pain, and all the
struggles, and the same behavior I let happen
over and over. I'm just a doormat, and I say,
I forgive you, and I get the same response each
and every time. No, that's not what forgiveness
is either. I just say, I'm sorry, I own my part,
but there's no next steps to deal with things.
No, that's not forgiveness. Forgiveness has three
aspects. It's a decision, number one. It's a
process, number two. And it actually is accomplished,
number three. The three key words about forgiveness
is this, I forgive you. The word forgive literally
in the New Testament has the idea of to release.
In other words, behind not forgiving is this
desire that we have to pay people back. And the
Lord says, vengeance is mine, I will repay. We
have to come first and foremost, if we're really
going to forgive, is instead of looking horizontal,
instead of contemplating the wound, the hurt,
the betrayal, and I don't. In any way, diminish
how painful and how wrong you may have been treated.
There's times to just process and cry and take
it to the Lord. That's real. But you can't want
to hang on to, I want to pay them back. I want
to see them suffer. Someone has wisely said,
to not forgive another person is like drinking
poison and believing that it's killing them instead
of killing you. And some of these are little
things, right? But for many listening, it's been
a betrayal. And there's some pain and hurt that
if you bury, it comes up in passive -aggressive
type behavior and joking and putting them down
and doing things that little by little will just
erode the intimacy and the connection and the
real love that you long for. People... choose
not to forgive and almost do it unconsciously
and just figure out how to live in these parallel
lanes inside the same home and try to forget
everything for a while and maybe sex will make
it better or let's go on a vacation and that
will make it better or I'll buy something for
them and that will make it better. But you never
get to the core of really forgiving the other
person. And so spiritually, Jesus taught. As
we have freely been forgiven, so we must freely
forgive. We know that God is rich in mercy. We
know that when Jesus hung upon the cross, the
just judgment for my sin and your sin and the
sin of all the world was placed on him. God so
loved the world that he gave his one and only
son that whoever would believe in him. shouldn't
perish, but have everlasting life. And then the
next verse talks about Jesus didn't come into
the world to condemn the world, but to forgive,
to restore. 1 John reminds us that when we confess,
when we agree with God, when we get brutally
honest, when we confess our sins, he is faithful
because of his character and just because of
what Jesus has done to not only forgive us, but
cleanse us from all unrighteousness. Here's the
key. We have to give away what we've received.
Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who've
sinned against us. Here's the truth about human
nature. I want justice from everyone else, right?
That deep -seated, I don't deserve this. That's
not fair. And yet, from God, I don't want justice.
I want mercy. Lord, forgive me. I know I lied.
Lord, forgive me. I know you told me to do this
and I didn't do it. Lord, forgive me. You told
me never to do that and I went ahead and did
it anyway. And then afterwards, and here's the
consequences, and I know I don't deserve it,
but forgive me. Let me give you a very key passage
before I talk about how the act forgive, the
process forgiving and what you actually do in
that process, and then the finality of forgiven,
the evidence that It's at peace. You're right
with God. And as far as it depends on you, you're
right with your mate. It was a passage that was
the turning point in my marriage because I felt
when I did my part, Teresa does her part. And
if she doesn't do her part, then the problem
in our marriage is her. Well, then I'll forgive
and I'll do like X, Y, and Z. I'll unload the
dishwasher. I'll help with vacuuming. I'll have
one of these little conferences where I listen
to her and I make eye contact and I do all this
stuff I'm supposed to as a husband. Waiting for
the transaction, well, that means she's going
to do X, Y, and Z that says I love you to me.
That was a lie I believed. And if it didn't happen
when or how I wanted to happen, then I was resentful.
and bitter. I wasn't really forgiving. I was
using forgiveness as a means to get what I wanted.
Listen carefully to the core behind all forgiveness
is to look to the Lord and what He's done for
you and what He's done for me, long before we
even think about trying to release or forgive
our mates. The most powerful teaching of Jesus
is in Matthew 18. Peter and the disciples are
really, really wrestling with this forgiveness.
Like, it's so unfair. And so Peter goes way out
and says, should I forgive my brother like seven
times? And Jesus uses this hyperbole seven times
70, basically. There's no limit to the forgiveness
you must give because there's no limit to what
you've received. And then he tells a parable
that for me was the turning point. For me, it
took all that pent -up justice, and I've done
all these good things, and I'm sure I had a very
skewed view of myself and Teresa at the time.
And he tells this story. For this reason, the
kingdom of heaven may be compared to a certain
king who wished to settle accounts with his slaves.
And when he had begun to settle them, They brought
one to him who owed him 10 ,000 talents. I mean,
I could give you all the details. A denarius
was a day's wage, and this was like 100 years
of a day's wage would be one talent. So 10 ,000,
I mean, it's just like you win the lottery every
single day for maybe a month. So this overwhelming
amount of money is the point. But since he did
not have the means to repay, His Lord commanded
him to be sold along with his wife and his children
and all that he had and repayment to be made.
Then the slave falling down prostrated himself
before him saying, have patience with me and
I will repay everything. And the Lord felt compassion
and released him and forgave the debt. But that
slave went out and found one of his fellow slaves
who owed him a hundred nadars. a hundred days'
wages. And he seized him, and he began to choke
him, saying, Pay back what you owe. So his fellow
slaves fell down and began to entreat him, saying,
Have patience with me, and I will repay you.
But he was unwilling and threw him into prison
until he had paid back what he owed. So when
his fellow slaves saw what had happened, they
were deeply grieved, and they came and reported
it to their lord, all that had happened. Then
summoning him, his Lord said to him, You wicked
slave, I forgave you all that debt because you
entreated me. Should you not also have had mercy
on your fellow slave, even as I've had mercy
on you? And his Lord moved with anger, handed
him over to the torturers until he should repay
all that he was owed. So shall my heavenly Father
also do to you, if each of you do not forgive
his brother from your heart, or in our case,
our mate from our heart. And personally, I somehow
felt justified because I was hurt and I was wounded.
And by the way, Teresa felt the same way. And
as a result of that, I would sort of say the
right words. But I didn't forgive in the way
God had forgiven me. And the turning point came
when I recognized how much I had sinned and how
deeply and merciful God had forgiven me and that
I could not expect that from God if I was unwilling
to give that to my wife. And then I did that.
And I did it unlike I did it in the past. I didn't
do it with this attitude. Well, I'm going to
forgive her. I'm going to release her. And I'm
going to do nice things for her so that she'll
do nice things for me. When you forgive with
open hands, you must release that person, turn
them to the Lord, say, Lord, you teach them,
you help them. I release them from the pain inflicted
on me. And you do that freely. Because they deserve
it? No. But it takes the resentment out of your
heart. It doesn't allow bitterness to grow. And
so let me give you the practical ways to do that.
Number one, it's a choice. Multiple times I've
had to literally write down, on this day, I choose
to forgive one of my children or my wife. For,
and then I write down the harsh words she said
to me for the we made this plans and then she
didn't follow through. Or you write out, I choose
to forgive. And you write it out. It's a declaration.
It's an act. And you do it on this day and you
put a date. Then the second part of the process
is forgiving. And Jesus says that for our enemies.
He says we're to bless them. That means to want
good for them, to see God honor their life, bless
their life, bring them joy, bring good things
and good circumstances and good people. And we're
to pray for them that persecute us. How much
more our mate. And so you bless them without
thinking of anything in return. You give words
of life. Jot a note. You know what I love you
means to them, right? And so you not only forgive,
but then. You do the things that bless their
life, and don't miss this one, and you pray for
them. And the early prayers for me was, well,
change her heart, help her be more this way,
help her be more that way. I was trying to fix
her in my prayers. But to bless is, Lord, would
you give her great joy? Would you give her just
a deep awareness of how beautiful she is in your
eyes? Lord, would you cause this day to just
bring joy to her heart? God, would you encourage
her with, I know that relationship she's really
struggling with, with one of her parents. Lord,
would you, and you just begin to pray blessing.
And by the way, I didn't feel like doing it.
My wounds were so deep, not that she did terrible
things, probably me being so overly sensitive,
but my wounds were so deep that I couldn't do
it for her. In fact, it was scary because my
heart had gotten hard. I didn't want to be nice
to my own wife. I didn't want to say nice things.
Now, I admit that. Now, by the way, I got 46
years, you know, under my belt now, and our marriage
is better than I ever dreamed it could be. Perfect?
No. Do we still have struggles? Yes. Does she
still hurt my feelings and I hurt her feelings
now and then? Yes. But these were the foundational
things that we learned. And when it was so hard,
I looked up to God and I said, Lord, I can't
do it for her right now. And I want you to soften
my heart, but I'll do it for you. This is my
act of worship. I'm praying for my wife. I'm
bringing her before you. God, this is my act
of worship, these words that are kind. This is
my act of worship. Without being asked, I'm going
to take out the garbage. I'm going to vacuum
the floor, and I'm not going to point out, oh,
did you notice that I did this or I did that?
This is my act of kindness. I'm going to say
words that affirm her inner beauty. and how nice
she looks today, and why I'm glad God gave her
to me as a wife. And I begin to process day after
day after day blessings and words of affirmation
and acts of kindness and acts of service. And
what I can tell you, the person that changed
immediately was not her. The person that changed
was me. The bitterness went out of my heart.
The resentment went out of my heart. I was in
the process. Now, would she still say something
or do something? And does that mean I haven't
forgiven her when those emotions come back? No,
no, no, no, no. That just means the wound got
reopened and I need to go back and say, no, I've
forgiven her for that. Or maybe something new.
I choose to forgive her for this. Act. I choose
to forgive. It is a process. I will pray for
that person and I will bless them with my words
and my actions. And I don't have to feel like
it. I'm going to do that as an offering to God.
And third, when I see and hear something good
about them, I'll know I've completely forgiven
them when my heart rejoices. And this is true
not just in our marriages, but this has been
true in the most difficult betrayals and relationships
of anything that I've ever experienced. It's
what Romans 12 teaches. Bless those who persecute
you. Bless and curse not. As far as it depends
on you, be at peace with all men. This starts
with your view of God's mercy for you. It is
a skill. I practiced this in a couple relationships
where I really got betrayed in some ministry.
And about a year later, I heard something good
about this person that I did ministry with. And
I artificially said, oh, yeah, that's great,
that's great. But in my heart, it was like...
boy, Lord, that doesn't seem fair after what
that person did to me. And yet I was praying
for blessing in his marriage and blessing in
his life and blessing in his ministry. And it
took about two years. And I remember hearing
something really wonderful as God was using his
life in a great way. And I remember rejoicing
and thinking, wow, that's so great. And it was
like, oh, not only is that great, I'm really
free. Bless those who persecute you. Bless and
curse not. As far as it depends on you, be at
peace with all men. Now in our next broadcast,
what I'm going to do is I'm going to help you
learn how to communicate. Not just say words,
but really learn to communicate. And then later
this week, we're going to give you a very specific
plan about resolving conflict. Can you imagine
the joy in the heart of Jesus as he sees the
walls coming down in your marriage and emotions
coming back of love and encouragement and connection.
Can you imagine the impact in our children's
lives as they see a model of two people that
are in love after five years, 10 years, 25 years,
31 years, whatever the number. After ups and
downs or even maybe after a hurt or an argument
where there's a sitting down and a sharing and
an honest confession and a praying with one another
and a crying together and a coming back together,
we're all human. We all will mess up. But God
is loving and kind and merciful and forgiving.
And he wants to communicate with us through his
word and we talk with him. He wants us to be
involved in community where we get support to
do these things I'm talking about. I can't do
anything that I'm teaching you or that I have
shared without the support of brothers in my
life that I can share these things with honestly,
or my wife having sisters in her life where she
can go through this journey with them and come
and be the kind of wife that I need and I can
be the man that she needs. Can I encourage you?
Make. your marriage, apart from your relationship
with Jesus, your highest priority. In the decades
to come, if the Lord does not return, it will
be so much more important than your work, so
much more important than your kids' grades, so
much more important than what other people think.
The foundation of culture and society and life
is our relationship with God, number one. and
our relationship with our mates where we give
evidence of the beauty of the body of Christ
connected to our head Jesus. And we model that
in our marriages in a way where the love of God
and the kindness of God and the beauty of life
and relationships can be exhibited through one
man and one woman deeply in love, choosing to
sacrificially put the needs of the other first.
It's an amazing, beautiful strategy and plan
that the King and Creator of the universe has
made. Don't miss out on it. This is Living on
the Edge with Chip Ingram. And you've been listening
to Chip's message, Three Skills Great Marriages
Have in Common, from our series, Uninvited Guests.
And as we wrap up, I want to remind you that
Living on the Edge depends on listeners like
you to help us continue to motivate Christians
to live like Christians. And right now, for those
who choose to become monthly partners, we'll
send you our newest resource, The Marriage That
Works Truth Cards, as our way of saying thank
you. To learn more, go to livingontheedge .org
or call 888 -333 -6003. That's 888 -333 -6003
or visit livingontheedge .org. App listeners,
tap donate. And thanks in advance for doing whatever
the Lord leads you to do. Thanks for listening
to this weekend edition of Living on the Edge.