WEBVTT 00:00:11.439 --> 00:00:14.119 What does it take to have a great marriage? Not 00:00:14.119 --> 00:00:16.859 just an okay one or one that's barely surviving, 00:00:17.000 --> 00:00:19.800 but a relationship that's life -giving and thriving. 00:00:20.179 --> 00:00:22.679 I'm Dave Drewy, and coming up on this weekend 00:00:22.679 --> 00:00:25.320 edition of Living on the Edge, we're revisiting 00:00:25.320 --> 00:00:28.079 another program from our current series, Uninvited 00:00:28.079 --> 00:00:30.839 Guests, recognizing and resisting the attacks 00:00:30.839 --> 00:00:33.579 on your family. Today, our Bible teacher, Chip 00:00:33.579 --> 00:00:36.479 Ingram, boils down a lot of the advice he's received 00:00:36.479 --> 00:00:38.960 over the years and wisdom from Scripture into 00:00:38.960 --> 00:00:41.619 three simple practices couples need to work on. 00:00:41.859 --> 00:00:44.619 But before he gets going, let me encourage you 00:00:44.619 --> 00:00:47.060 to download Chip's message notes. They're a great 00:00:47.060 --> 00:00:50.020 resource available for every program. They contain 00:00:50.020 --> 00:00:52.460 Chip's outline, all the Scripture he references, 00:00:52.539 --> 00:00:55.560 and more. Check them out under the Broadcasts 00:00:55.560 --> 00:00:59.100 tab at livingontheedge .org. App listeners tap 00:00:59.100 --> 00:01:02.460 Fill in Notes. Well, Chip's got a lot of ground 00:01:02.460 --> 00:01:05.659 to cover today, so here he is. Thanks so much, 00:01:05.700 --> 00:01:08.079 Dave. You know, for the last two weeks, we talked 00:01:08.079 --> 00:01:11.099 about lies that we all believe. They're embedded 00:01:11.099 --> 00:01:15.239 in culture, in media, in life, in family of origin. 00:01:15.659 --> 00:01:18.859 Now, what I want to talk about this week is three 00:01:18.859 --> 00:01:23.640 skills that you must learn, develop, and practice 00:01:23.640 --> 00:01:26.379 regularly if you want to have a great family. 00:01:26.840 --> 00:01:29.239 And the key to having a great family, the foundation, 00:01:29.560 --> 00:01:33.900 it always begins with a deep, intimate marriage. 00:01:34.120 --> 00:01:37.239 And let's just go on record to say that is hard. 00:01:37.480 --> 00:01:40.739 That is very, very challenging. And whether it's 00:01:40.739 --> 00:01:43.519 busyness or we wound one another or we don't 00:01:43.519 --> 00:01:46.959 understand each other, there are three vital 00:01:46.959 --> 00:01:50.680 skills that you must learn. Let me give you what 00:01:50.680 --> 00:01:53.620 they are. I'm going to cover one today. And I'm 00:01:53.620 --> 00:01:55.939 going to spend two broadcasts on the second one 00:01:55.939 --> 00:01:59.620 and two more on the last one. Because you can 00:01:59.620 --> 00:02:02.719 identify the lies and you can try as hard as 00:02:02.719 --> 00:02:05.799 you want. But without these skills, you will 00:02:05.799 --> 00:02:09.120 never make it. Skill number one is learning the 00:02:09.120 --> 00:02:13.699 skill of forgiving your mate. Skill number two 00:02:13.699 --> 00:02:17.400 is communication. I don't mean talking. I don't 00:02:17.400 --> 00:02:20.740 mean just sharing words. I mean... The entire 00:02:20.740 --> 00:02:24.219 process, the sharing of your heart, the actual 00:02:24.219 --> 00:02:27.400 transfer of what's on your mind and your heart 00:02:27.400 --> 00:02:30.599 and your intent actually gets into the mind and 00:02:30.599 --> 00:02:34.039 the heart of your mate. The last one is resolving 00:02:34.039 --> 00:02:37.379 conflict. Maybe another way to say it is you 00:02:37.379 --> 00:02:40.419 have to learn to fight fair. We're going to have 00:02:40.419 --> 00:02:43.520 conflict about money, conflict about kids, conflict 00:02:43.520 --> 00:02:46.360 about... sex, conflict about in -laws, conflict 00:02:46.360 --> 00:02:49.139 about schedules, conflict about roles, conflict 00:02:49.139 --> 00:02:51.939 about responsibilities, conflict about free time, 00:02:52.120 --> 00:02:56.639 right? We're going to have conflict. Most couples 00:02:56.639 --> 00:03:01.379 attack the other person instead of the problem 00:03:01.379 --> 00:03:05.280 because they don't have a clear plan and they 00:03:05.280 --> 00:03:07.919 don't know the skill of how to resolve conflict. 00:03:08.300 --> 00:03:11.699 And before I talk about skill number one of forgiveness, 00:03:12.330 --> 00:03:17.490 What I want some of you to hear is the most challenging, 00:03:17.729 --> 00:03:21.349 most frustrating time I've ever had in my marriage 00:03:21.349 --> 00:03:26.330 is when I recognized we needed to change. I recognized 00:03:26.330 --> 00:03:29.129 we wanted to have a good marriage. I recognized 00:03:29.129 --> 00:03:32.370 she was trying and I was trying. But no matter 00:03:32.370 --> 00:03:36.550 what I said or what I did, my best efforts actually 00:03:36.550 --> 00:03:40.509 made things worse instead of better. I got so 00:03:40.509 --> 00:03:43.770 discouraged. I really came to the point, I wondered, 00:03:43.849 --> 00:03:47.449 can this marriage make it? And so I have been 00:03:47.449 --> 00:03:50.550 there. And I want you to know there's hope. This 00:03:50.550 --> 00:03:53.430 series is not about learning more truth about 00:03:53.430 --> 00:03:55.909 marriage or learning more about communication 00:03:55.909 --> 00:03:58.969 and nodding and trying a little something. This 00:03:58.969 --> 00:04:04.860 is about you saying, I'm going to do this. I 00:04:04.860 --> 00:04:08.680 am going to learn to communicate. I'm going to 00:04:08.680 --> 00:04:11.419 go into training. I now know the lies that I 00:04:11.419 --> 00:04:14.979 believe that over time, the enemy will use these. 00:04:15.139 --> 00:04:18.060 In my moments of weakness, my flesh will use 00:04:18.060 --> 00:04:21.000 these. And the world system is designed to use 00:04:21.000 --> 00:04:24.319 these lies to absolutely destroy my marriage. 00:04:24.560 --> 00:04:28.779 The God of the universe wants your relationship 00:04:28.779 --> 00:04:33.240 with your mate. to demonstrate the love of Jesus 00:04:33.240 --> 00:04:39.439 with his church? Perfect? No. Significant? Rich? 00:04:39.879 --> 00:04:43.779 Deep? Fulfilling? Ups and downs, of course. Hard 00:04:43.779 --> 00:04:48.040 seasons? Yes. But an intimacy, a oneness of mind 00:04:48.040 --> 00:04:51.879 and soul and body and spirit and emotions. It's 00:04:51.879 --> 00:04:54.740 not only possible, it's God's will. But we've 00:04:54.740 --> 00:04:58.699 so long believed so many lies. We get off track 00:04:58.699 --> 00:05:02.339 not even knowing how we got off track. And secondly, 00:05:02.459 --> 00:05:05.079 if you don't have these skills of forgiving and 00:05:05.079 --> 00:05:08.459 communication and resolving conflict, you will 00:05:08.459 --> 00:05:11.699 not be able to get through the hard, rough times 00:05:11.699 --> 00:05:15.860 life will bring. So here we go. Let me spend 00:05:15.860 --> 00:05:19.319 my time with you today talking about forgiveness, 00:05:19.480 --> 00:05:23.000 what it is and what it's not. First, what it's 00:05:23.000 --> 00:05:26.040 not. It's not a magic bullet where you say two 00:05:26.040 --> 00:05:28.339 little words, I'm sorry, and then everything's 00:05:28.339 --> 00:05:32.920 okay. It's also not, I've forgiven them, so I 00:05:32.920 --> 00:05:35.519 guess all the hurt, all the pain, and all the 00:05:35.519 --> 00:05:38.060 struggles, and the same behavior I let happen 00:05:38.060 --> 00:05:40.660 over and over. I'm just a doormat, and I say, 00:05:40.699 --> 00:05:44.139 I forgive you, and I get the same response each 00:05:44.139 --> 00:05:46.100 and every time. No, that's not what forgiveness 00:05:46.100 --> 00:05:50.019 is either. I just say, I'm sorry, I own my part, 00:05:50.180 --> 00:05:53.019 but there's no next steps to deal with things. 00:05:53.199 --> 00:05:56.420 No, that's not forgiveness. Forgiveness has three 00:05:56.420 --> 00:06:01.180 aspects. It's a decision, number one. It's a 00:06:01.180 --> 00:06:05.560 process, number two. And it actually is accomplished, 00:06:06.040 --> 00:06:09.540 number three. The three key words about forgiveness 00:06:09.540 --> 00:06:14.899 is this, I forgive you. The word forgive literally 00:06:14.899 --> 00:06:17.740 in the New Testament has the idea of to release. 00:06:18.060 --> 00:06:22.339 In other words, behind not forgiving is this 00:06:22.339 --> 00:06:26.160 desire that we have to pay people back. And the 00:06:26.160 --> 00:06:29.279 Lord says, vengeance is mine, I will repay. We 00:06:29.279 --> 00:06:32.579 have to come first and foremost, if we're really 00:06:32.579 --> 00:06:35.720 going to forgive, is instead of looking horizontal, 00:06:36.040 --> 00:06:39.279 instead of contemplating the wound, the hurt, 00:06:39.339 --> 00:06:42.420 the betrayal, and I don't. In any way, diminish 00:06:42.420 --> 00:06:46.240 how painful and how wrong you may have been treated. 00:06:46.459 --> 00:06:50.459 There's times to just process and cry and take 00:06:50.459 --> 00:06:54.120 it to the Lord. That's real. But you can't want 00:06:54.120 --> 00:06:57.899 to hang on to, I want to pay them back. I want 00:06:57.899 --> 00:07:01.839 to see them suffer. Someone has wisely said, 00:07:02.019 --> 00:07:05.639 to not forgive another person is like drinking 00:07:05.639 --> 00:07:09.680 poison and believing that it's killing them instead 00:07:09.680 --> 00:07:12.660 of killing you. And some of these are little 00:07:12.660 --> 00:07:16.660 things, right? But for many listening, it's been 00:07:16.660 --> 00:07:20.480 a betrayal. And there's some pain and hurt that 00:07:20.480 --> 00:07:24.800 if you bury, it comes up in passive -aggressive 00:07:24.800 --> 00:07:27.980 type behavior and joking and putting them down 00:07:27.980 --> 00:07:31.480 and doing things that little by little will just 00:07:31.480 --> 00:07:35.139 erode the intimacy and the connection and the 00:07:35.139 --> 00:07:38.079 real love that you long for. People... choose 00:07:38.079 --> 00:07:40.660 not to forgive and almost do it unconsciously 00:07:40.660 --> 00:07:43.139 and just figure out how to live in these parallel 00:07:43.139 --> 00:07:48.000 lanes inside the same home and try to forget 00:07:48.000 --> 00:07:50.639 everything for a while and maybe sex will make 00:07:50.639 --> 00:07:53.100 it better or let's go on a vacation and that 00:07:53.100 --> 00:07:55.439 will make it better or I'll buy something for 00:07:55.439 --> 00:07:57.720 them and that will make it better. But you never 00:07:57.720 --> 00:08:01.839 get to the core of really forgiving the other 00:08:01.839 --> 00:08:07.410 person. And so spiritually, Jesus taught. As 00:08:07.410 --> 00:08:11.970 we have freely been forgiven, so we must freely 00:08:11.970 --> 00:08:18.009 forgive. We know that God is rich in mercy. We 00:08:18.009 --> 00:08:22.029 know that when Jesus hung upon the cross, the 00:08:22.029 --> 00:08:25.170 just judgment for my sin and your sin and the 00:08:25.170 --> 00:08:28.949 sin of all the world was placed on him. God so 00:08:28.949 --> 00:08:30.970 loved the world that he gave his one and only 00:08:30.970 --> 00:08:33.970 son that whoever would believe in him. shouldn't 00:08:33.970 --> 00:08:36.590 perish, but have everlasting life. And then the 00:08:36.590 --> 00:08:39.330 next verse talks about Jesus didn't come into 00:08:39.330 --> 00:08:42.009 the world to condemn the world, but to forgive, 00:08:42.169 --> 00:08:46.110 to restore. 1 John reminds us that when we confess, 00:08:46.250 --> 00:08:48.350 when we agree with God, when we get brutally 00:08:48.350 --> 00:08:52.049 honest, when we confess our sins, he is faithful 00:08:52.049 --> 00:08:55.070 because of his character and just because of 00:08:55.070 --> 00:08:58.730 what Jesus has done to not only forgive us, but 00:08:58.730 --> 00:09:01.830 cleanse us from all unrighteousness. Here's the 00:09:01.830 --> 00:09:06.840 key. We have to give away what we've received. 00:09:07.620 --> 00:09:11.980 Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who've 00:09:11.980 --> 00:09:16.419 sinned against us. Here's the truth about human 00:09:16.419 --> 00:09:20.240 nature. I want justice from everyone else, right? 00:09:20.340 --> 00:09:23.559 That deep -seated, I don't deserve this. That's 00:09:23.559 --> 00:09:26.919 not fair. And yet, from God, I don't want justice. 00:09:27.100 --> 00:09:30.389 I want mercy. Lord, forgive me. I know I lied. 00:09:30.470 --> 00:09:32.529 Lord, forgive me. I know you told me to do this 00:09:32.529 --> 00:09:34.669 and I didn't do it. Lord, forgive me. You told 00:09:34.669 --> 00:09:37.009 me never to do that and I went ahead and did 00:09:37.009 --> 00:09:39.389 it anyway. And then afterwards, and here's the 00:09:39.389 --> 00:09:41.450 consequences, and I know I don't deserve it, 00:09:41.490 --> 00:09:45.690 but forgive me. Let me give you a very key passage 00:09:45.690 --> 00:09:49.970 before I talk about how the act forgive, the 00:09:49.970 --> 00:09:52.730 process forgiving and what you actually do in 00:09:52.730 --> 00:09:55.789 that process, and then the finality of forgiven, 00:09:56.190 --> 00:09:59.519 the evidence that It's at peace. You're right 00:09:59.519 --> 00:10:03.100 with God. And as far as it depends on you, you're 00:10:03.100 --> 00:10:06.659 right with your mate. It was a passage that was 00:10:06.659 --> 00:10:09.960 the turning point in my marriage because I felt 00:10:09.960 --> 00:10:13.320 when I did my part, Teresa does her part. And 00:10:13.320 --> 00:10:15.919 if she doesn't do her part, then the problem 00:10:15.919 --> 00:10:18.799 in our marriage is her. Well, then I'll forgive 00:10:18.799 --> 00:10:22.179 and I'll do like X, Y, and Z. I'll unload the 00:10:22.179 --> 00:10:24.899 dishwasher. I'll help with vacuuming. I'll have 00:10:24.899 --> 00:10:27.320 one of these little conferences where I listen 00:10:27.320 --> 00:10:30.919 to her and I make eye contact and I do all this 00:10:30.919 --> 00:10:34.100 stuff I'm supposed to as a husband. Waiting for 00:10:34.100 --> 00:10:36.299 the transaction, well, that means she's going 00:10:36.299 --> 00:10:39.639 to do X, Y, and Z that says I love you to me. 00:10:39.779 --> 00:10:43.240 That was a lie I believed. And if it didn't happen 00:10:43.240 --> 00:10:46.980 when or how I wanted to happen, then I was resentful. 00:10:47.320 --> 00:10:52.200 and bitter. I wasn't really forgiving. I was 00:10:52.200 --> 00:10:56.059 using forgiveness as a means to get what I wanted. 00:10:57.419 --> 00:11:01.919 Listen carefully to the core behind all forgiveness 00:11:01.919 --> 00:11:05.580 is to look to the Lord and what He's done for 00:11:05.580 --> 00:11:10.700 you and what He's done for me, long before we 00:11:10.700 --> 00:11:14.019 even think about trying to release or forgive 00:11:14.019 --> 00:11:17.299 our mates. The most powerful teaching of Jesus 00:11:17.299 --> 00:11:21.200 is in Matthew 18. Peter and the disciples are 00:11:21.200 --> 00:11:25.220 really, really wrestling with this forgiveness. 00:11:25.299 --> 00:11:29.360 Like, it's so unfair. And so Peter goes way out 00:11:29.360 --> 00:11:31.659 and says, should I forgive my brother like seven 00:11:31.659 --> 00:11:35.799 times? And Jesus uses this hyperbole seven times 00:11:35.799 --> 00:11:38.639 70, basically. There's no limit to the forgiveness 00:11:38.639 --> 00:11:40.820 you must give because there's no limit to what 00:11:40.820 --> 00:11:43.850 you've received. And then he tells a parable 00:11:43.850 --> 00:11:47.789 that for me was the turning point. For me, it 00:11:47.789 --> 00:11:51.169 took all that pent -up justice, and I've done 00:11:51.169 --> 00:11:54.370 all these good things, and I'm sure I had a very 00:11:54.370 --> 00:11:57.889 skewed view of myself and Teresa at the time. 00:11:58.049 --> 00:12:01.850 And he tells this story. For this reason, the 00:12:01.850 --> 00:12:04.549 kingdom of heaven may be compared to a certain 00:12:04.549 --> 00:12:07.690 king who wished to settle accounts with his slaves. 00:12:08.090 --> 00:12:11.070 And when he had begun to settle them, They brought 00:12:11.070 --> 00:12:15.090 one to him who owed him 10 ,000 talents. I mean, 00:12:15.090 --> 00:12:17.029 I could give you all the details. A denarius 00:12:17.029 --> 00:12:20.909 was a day's wage, and this was like 100 years 00:12:20.909 --> 00:12:25.370 of a day's wage would be one talent. So 10 ,000, 00:12:25.389 --> 00:12:28.090 I mean, it's just like you win the lottery every 00:12:28.090 --> 00:12:31.809 single day for maybe a month. So this overwhelming 00:12:31.809 --> 00:12:34.970 amount of money is the point. But since he did 00:12:34.970 --> 00:12:37.799 not have the means to repay, His Lord commanded 00:12:37.799 --> 00:12:40.759 him to be sold along with his wife and his children 00:12:40.759 --> 00:12:44.039 and all that he had and repayment to be made. 00:12:44.379 --> 00:12:47.759 Then the slave falling down prostrated himself 00:12:47.759 --> 00:12:51.299 before him saying, have patience with me and 00:12:51.299 --> 00:12:55.600 I will repay everything. And the Lord felt compassion 00:12:55.600 --> 00:13:00.700 and released him and forgave the debt. But that 00:13:00.700 --> 00:13:03.120 slave went out and found one of his fellow slaves 00:13:03.120 --> 00:13:06.159 who owed him a hundred nadars. a hundred days' 00:13:06.259 --> 00:13:09.279 wages. And he seized him, and he began to choke 00:13:09.279 --> 00:13:13.059 him, saying, Pay back what you owe. So his fellow 00:13:13.059 --> 00:13:16.080 slaves fell down and began to entreat him, saying, 00:13:16.220 --> 00:13:19.120 Have patience with me, and I will repay you. 00:13:19.639 --> 00:13:22.460 But he was unwilling and threw him into prison 00:13:22.460 --> 00:13:25.799 until he had paid back what he owed. So when 00:13:25.799 --> 00:13:28.940 his fellow slaves saw what had happened, they 00:13:28.940 --> 00:13:31.700 were deeply grieved, and they came and reported 00:13:31.700 --> 00:13:35.070 it to their lord, all that had happened. Then 00:13:35.070 --> 00:13:39.190 summoning him, his Lord said to him, You wicked 00:13:39.190 --> 00:13:44.090 slave, I forgave you all that debt because you 00:13:44.090 --> 00:13:48.149 entreated me. Should you not also have had mercy 00:13:48.149 --> 00:13:51.250 on your fellow slave, even as I've had mercy 00:13:51.250 --> 00:13:55.169 on you? And his Lord moved with anger, handed 00:13:55.169 --> 00:13:58.210 him over to the torturers until he should repay 00:13:58.210 --> 00:14:03.149 all that he was owed. So shall my heavenly Father 00:14:03.149 --> 00:14:08.009 also do to you, if each of you do not forgive 00:14:08.009 --> 00:14:12.210 his brother from your heart, or in our case, 00:14:12.330 --> 00:14:17.769 our mate from our heart. And personally, I somehow 00:14:17.769 --> 00:14:21.769 felt justified because I was hurt and I was wounded. 00:14:21.929 --> 00:14:24.649 And by the way, Teresa felt the same way. And 00:14:24.649 --> 00:14:28.269 as a result of that, I would sort of say the 00:14:28.269 --> 00:14:31.580 right words. But I didn't forgive in the way 00:14:31.580 --> 00:14:34.879 God had forgiven me. And the turning point came 00:14:34.879 --> 00:14:40.340 when I recognized how much I had sinned and how 00:14:40.340 --> 00:14:45.399 deeply and merciful God had forgiven me and that 00:14:45.399 --> 00:14:49.120 I could not expect that from God if I was unwilling 00:14:49.120 --> 00:14:53.940 to give that to my wife. And then I did that. 00:14:54.279 --> 00:14:56.940 And I did it unlike I did it in the past. I didn't 00:14:56.940 --> 00:14:59.279 do it with this attitude. Well, I'm going to 00:14:59.279 --> 00:15:01.559 forgive her. I'm going to release her. And I'm 00:15:01.559 --> 00:15:03.519 going to do nice things for her so that she'll 00:15:03.519 --> 00:15:07.500 do nice things for me. When you forgive with 00:15:07.500 --> 00:15:11.600 open hands, you must release that person, turn 00:15:11.600 --> 00:15:14.759 them to the Lord, say, Lord, you teach them, 00:15:14.899 --> 00:15:18.740 you help them. I release them from the pain inflicted 00:15:18.740 --> 00:15:23.360 on me. And you do that freely. Because they deserve 00:15:23.360 --> 00:15:26.399 it? No. But it takes the resentment out of your 00:15:26.399 --> 00:15:29.980 heart. It doesn't allow bitterness to grow. And 00:15:29.980 --> 00:15:32.460 so let me give you the practical ways to do that. 00:15:32.679 --> 00:15:36.299 Number one, it's a choice. Multiple times I've 00:15:36.299 --> 00:15:40.440 had to literally write down, on this day, I choose 00:15:40.440 --> 00:15:45.159 to forgive one of my children or my wife. For, 00:15:45.159 --> 00:15:47.820 and then I write down the harsh words she said 00:15:47.820 --> 00:15:50.779 to me for the we made this plans and then she 00:15:50.779 --> 00:15:54.039 didn't follow through. Or you write out, I choose 00:15:54.039 --> 00:15:57.419 to forgive. And you write it out. It's a declaration. 00:15:57.500 --> 00:16:00.340 It's an act. And you do it on this day and you 00:16:00.340 --> 00:16:03.240 put a date. Then the second part of the process 00:16:03.240 --> 00:16:07.919 is forgiving. And Jesus says that for our enemies. 00:16:08.620 --> 00:16:11.419 He says we're to bless them. That means to want 00:16:11.419 --> 00:16:14.559 good for them, to see God honor their life, bless 00:16:14.559 --> 00:16:17.340 their life, bring them joy, bring good things 00:16:17.340 --> 00:16:20.019 and good circumstances and good people. And we're 00:16:20.019 --> 00:16:22.860 to pray for them that persecute us. How much 00:16:22.860 --> 00:16:26.159 more our mate. And so you bless them without 00:16:26.159 --> 00:16:29.120 thinking of anything in return. You give words 00:16:29.120 --> 00:16:32.879 of life. Jot a note. You know what I love you 00:16:32.879 --> 00:16:35.419 means to them, right? And so you not only forgive, 00:16:35.559 --> 00:16:38.759 but then. You do the things that bless their 00:16:38.759 --> 00:16:41.399 life, and don't miss this one, and you pray for 00:16:41.399 --> 00:16:44.340 them. And the early prayers for me was, well, 00:16:44.360 --> 00:16:46.659 change her heart, help her be more this way, 00:16:46.720 --> 00:16:49.039 help her be more that way. I was trying to fix 00:16:49.039 --> 00:16:51.899 her in my prayers. But to bless is, Lord, would 00:16:51.899 --> 00:16:54.639 you give her great joy? Would you give her just 00:16:54.639 --> 00:16:58.379 a deep awareness of how beautiful she is in your 00:16:58.379 --> 00:17:01.779 eyes? Lord, would you cause this day to just 00:17:01.779 --> 00:17:04.539 bring joy to her heart? God, would you encourage 00:17:04.539 --> 00:17:06.839 her with, I know that relationship she's really 00:17:06.839 --> 00:17:09.140 struggling with, with one of her parents. Lord, 00:17:09.200 --> 00:17:11.400 would you, and you just begin to pray blessing. 00:17:11.680 --> 00:17:14.240 And by the way, I didn't feel like doing it. 00:17:14.259 --> 00:17:17.079 My wounds were so deep, not that she did terrible 00:17:17.079 --> 00:17:19.799 things, probably me being so overly sensitive, 00:17:19.980 --> 00:17:24.400 but my wounds were so deep that I couldn't do 00:17:24.400 --> 00:17:27.319 it for her. In fact, it was scary because my 00:17:27.319 --> 00:17:30.579 heart had gotten hard. I didn't want to be nice 00:17:30.579 --> 00:17:34.799 to my own wife. I didn't want to say nice things. 00:17:35.579 --> 00:17:38.339 Now, I admit that. Now, by the way, I got 46 00:17:38.339 --> 00:17:42.200 years, you know, under my belt now, and our marriage 00:17:42.200 --> 00:17:44.420 is better than I ever dreamed it could be. Perfect? 00:17:44.500 --> 00:17:47.900 No. Do we still have struggles? Yes. Does she 00:17:47.900 --> 00:17:49.880 still hurt my feelings and I hurt her feelings 00:17:49.880 --> 00:17:53.599 now and then? Yes. But these were the foundational 00:17:53.599 --> 00:17:57.059 things that we learned. And when it was so hard, 00:17:57.259 --> 00:18:00.400 I looked up to God and I said, Lord, I can't 00:18:00.400 --> 00:18:03.759 do it for her right now. And I want you to soften 00:18:03.759 --> 00:18:07.039 my heart, but I'll do it for you. This is my 00:18:07.039 --> 00:18:09.680 act of worship. I'm praying for my wife. I'm 00:18:09.680 --> 00:18:12.380 bringing her before you. God, this is my act 00:18:12.380 --> 00:18:15.220 of worship, these words that are kind. This is 00:18:15.220 --> 00:18:17.839 my act of worship. Without being asked, I'm going 00:18:17.839 --> 00:18:19.799 to take out the garbage. I'm going to vacuum 00:18:19.799 --> 00:18:22.500 the floor, and I'm not going to point out, oh, 00:18:22.539 --> 00:18:24.519 did you notice that I did this or I did that? 00:18:25.119 --> 00:18:27.440 This is my act of kindness. I'm going to say 00:18:27.440 --> 00:18:31.529 words that affirm her inner beauty. and how nice 00:18:31.529 --> 00:18:35.230 she looks today, and why I'm glad God gave her 00:18:35.230 --> 00:18:40.329 to me as a wife. And I begin to process day after 00:18:40.329 --> 00:18:44.869 day after day blessings and words of affirmation 00:18:44.869 --> 00:18:48.809 and acts of kindness and acts of service. And 00:18:48.809 --> 00:18:50.369 what I can tell you, the person that changed 00:18:50.369 --> 00:18:54.829 immediately was not her. The person that changed 00:18:54.829 --> 00:18:57.930 was me. The bitterness went out of my heart. 00:18:58.029 --> 00:19:00.380 The resentment went out of my heart. I was in 00:19:00.380 --> 00:19:03.920 the process. Now, would she still say something 00:19:03.920 --> 00:19:05.720 or do something? And does that mean I haven't 00:19:05.720 --> 00:19:08.059 forgiven her when those emotions come back? No, 00:19:08.140 --> 00:19:11.180 no, no, no, no. That just means the wound got 00:19:11.180 --> 00:19:14.519 reopened and I need to go back and say, no, I've 00:19:14.519 --> 00:19:16.880 forgiven her for that. Or maybe something new. 00:19:16.940 --> 00:19:21.559 I choose to forgive her for this. Act. I choose 00:19:21.559 --> 00:19:24.799 to forgive. It is a process. I will pray for 00:19:24.799 --> 00:19:27.619 that person and I will bless them with my words 00:19:27.619 --> 00:19:30.539 and my actions. And I don't have to feel like 00:19:30.539 --> 00:19:34.099 it. I'm going to do that as an offering to God. 00:19:34.279 --> 00:19:38.019 And third, when I see and hear something good 00:19:38.019 --> 00:19:40.660 about them, I'll know I've completely forgiven 00:19:40.660 --> 00:19:44.019 them when my heart rejoices. And this is true 00:19:44.019 --> 00:19:45.980 not just in our marriages, but this has been 00:19:45.980 --> 00:19:49.500 true in the most difficult betrayals and relationships 00:19:49.500 --> 00:19:52.700 of anything that I've ever experienced. It's 00:19:52.700 --> 00:19:55.460 what Romans 12 teaches. Bless those who persecute 00:19:55.460 --> 00:19:57.940 you. Bless and curse not. As far as it depends 00:19:57.940 --> 00:20:01.740 on you, be at peace with all men. This starts 00:20:01.740 --> 00:20:06.720 with your view of God's mercy for you. It is 00:20:06.720 --> 00:20:11.779 a skill. I practiced this in a couple relationships 00:20:11.779 --> 00:20:14.200 where I really got betrayed in some ministry. 00:20:14.559 --> 00:20:16.980 And about a year later, I heard something good 00:20:16.980 --> 00:20:19.420 about this person that I did ministry with. And 00:20:19.420 --> 00:20:21.140 I artificially said, oh, yeah, that's great, 00:20:21.220 --> 00:20:22.799 that's great. But in my heart, it was like... 00:20:23.099 --> 00:20:25.660 boy, Lord, that doesn't seem fair after what 00:20:25.660 --> 00:20:28.220 that person did to me. And yet I was praying 00:20:28.220 --> 00:20:30.220 for blessing in his marriage and blessing in 00:20:30.220 --> 00:20:32.960 his life and blessing in his ministry. And it 00:20:32.960 --> 00:20:35.160 took about two years. And I remember hearing 00:20:35.160 --> 00:20:37.880 something really wonderful as God was using his 00:20:37.880 --> 00:20:41.339 life in a great way. And I remember rejoicing 00:20:41.339 --> 00:20:44.640 and thinking, wow, that's so great. And it was 00:20:44.640 --> 00:20:47.319 like, oh, not only is that great, I'm really 00:20:47.319 --> 00:20:50.700 free. Bless those who persecute you. Bless and 00:20:50.700 --> 00:20:54.430 curse not. As far as it depends on you, be at 00:20:54.430 --> 00:20:57.769 peace with all men. Now in our next broadcast, 00:20:58.109 --> 00:21:00.269 what I'm going to do is I'm going to help you 00:21:00.269 --> 00:21:04.490 learn how to communicate. Not just say words, 00:21:04.549 --> 00:21:07.009 but really learn to communicate. And then later 00:21:07.009 --> 00:21:09.609 this week, we're going to give you a very specific 00:21:09.609 --> 00:21:14.950 plan about resolving conflict. Can you imagine 00:21:14.950 --> 00:21:19.049 the joy in the heart of Jesus as he sees the 00:21:19.049 --> 00:21:22.230 walls coming down in your marriage and emotions 00:21:22.230 --> 00:21:25.210 coming back of love and encouragement and connection. 00:21:25.289 --> 00:21:28.549 Can you imagine the impact in our children's 00:21:28.549 --> 00:21:32.569 lives as they see a model of two people that 00:21:32.569 --> 00:21:35.509 are in love after five years, 10 years, 25 years, 00:21:35.690 --> 00:21:39.920 31 years, whatever the number. After ups and 00:21:39.920 --> 00:21:42.680 downs or even maybe after a hurt or an argument 00:21:42.680 --> 00:21:45.559 where there's a sitting down and a sharing and 00:21:45.559 --> 00:21:48.000 an honest confession and a praying with one another 00:21:48.000 --> 00:21:51.200 and a crying together and a coming back together, 00:21:51.400 --> 00:21:54.900 we're all human. We all will mess up. But God 00:21:54.900 --> 00:21:58.859 is loving and kind and merciful and forgiving. 00:22:00.079 --> 00:22:02.259 And he wants to communicate with us through his 00:22:02.259 --> 00:22:05.109 word and we talk with him. He wants us to be 00:22:05.109 --> 00:22:07.430 involved in community where we get support to 00:22:07.430 --> 00:22:11.049 do these things I'm talking about. I can't do 00:22:11.049 --> 00:22:14.230 anything that I'm teaching you or that I have 00:22:14.230 --> 00:22:16.730 shared without the support of brothers in my 00:22:16.730 --> 00:22:18.769 life that I can share these things with honestly, 00:22:18.970 --> 00:22:21.930 or my wife having sisters in her life where she 00:22:21.930 --> 00:22:24.490 can go through this journey with them and come 00:22:24.490 --> 00:22:27.170 and be the kind of wife that I need and I can 00:22:27.170 --> 00:22:30.190 be the man that she needs. Can I encourage you? 00:22:30.670 --> 00:22:33.960 Make. your marriage, apart from your relationship 00:22:33.960 --> 00:22:38.579 with Jesus, your highest priority. In the decades 00:22:38.579 --> 00:22:41.819 to come, if the Lord does not return, it will 00:22:41.819 --> 00:22:45.619 be so much more important than your work, so 00:22:45.619 --> 00:22:49.119 much more important than your kids' grades, so 00:22:49.119 --> 00:22:51.660 much more important than what other people think. 00:22:51.940 --> 00:22:55.980 The foundation of culture and society and life 00:22:55.980 --> 00:22:59.210 is our relationship with God, number one. and 00:22:59.210 --> 00:23:02.269 our relationship with our mates where we give 00:23:02.269 --> 00:23:05.930 evidence of the beauty of the body of Christ 00:23:05.930 --> 00:23:09.710 connected to our head Jesus. And we model that 00:23:09.710 --> 00:23:13.369 in our marriages in a way where the love of God 00:23:13.369 --> 00:23:18.230 and the kindness of God and the beauty of life 00:23:18.230 --> 00:23:20.849 and relationships can be exhibited through one 00:23:20.849 --> 00:23:25.390 man and one woman deeply in love, choosing to 00:23:25.390 --> 00:23:28.049 sacrificially put the needs of the other first. 00:23:28.490 --> 00:23:32.369 It's an amazing, beautiful strategy and plan 00:23:32.369 --> 00:23:35.210 that the King and Creator of the universe has 00:23:35.210 --> 00:23:41.470 made. Don't miss out on it. This is Living on 00:23:41.470 --> 00:23:44.009 the Edge with Chip Ingram. And you've been listening 00:23:44.009 --> 00:23:46.569 to Chip's message, Three Skills Great Marriages 00:23:46.569 --> 00:23:49.769 Have in Common, from our series, Uninvited Guests. 00:23:50.200 --> 00:23:52.279 And as we wrap up, I want to remind you that 00:23:52.279 --> 00:23:54.660 Living on the Edge depends on listeners like 00:23:54.660 --> 00:23:57.539 you to help us continue to motivate Christians 00:23:57.539 --> 00:24:00.460 to live like Christians. And right now, for those 00:24:00.460 --> 00:24:02.880 who choose to become monthly partners, we'll 00:24:02.880 --> 00:24:05.460 send you our newest resource, The Marriage That 00:24:05.460 --> 00:24:08.299 Works Truth Cards, as our way of saying thank 00:24:08.299 --> 00:24:11.500 you. To learn more, go to livingontheedge .org 00:24:11.500 --> 00:24:18.900 or call 888 -333 -6003. That's 888 -333 -6003 00:24:18.900 --> 00:24:23.619 or visit livingontheedge .org. App listeners, 00:24:23.720 --> 00:24:26.500 tap donate. And thanks in advance for doing whatever 00:24:26.500 --> 00:24:46.559 the Lord leads you to do. Thanks for listening 00:24:46.559 --> 00:24:49.339 to this weekend edition of Living on the Edge.