WEBVTT 00:00:11.470 --> 00:00:14.169 Today on Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. 00:00:14.310 --> 00:00:18.170 Important marriage question. How do you handle 00:00:18.170 --> 00:00:21.550 conflict in your relationship? In my experience, 00:00:21.690 --> 00:00:25.089 there's turtles and sharks. Sharks attack when 00:00:25.089 --> 00:00:27.449 there's conflict. Turtles put their head inside 00:00:27.449 --> 00:00:30.929 their shell. Neither of those approaches work 00:00:30.929 --> 00:00:34.070 well. Let me give you a third one, a biblical 00:00:34.070 --> 00:00:37.149 one today about how to resolve conflict in your 00:00:37.149 --> 00:00:41.439 marriage. Stay with us. Welcome to Living on 00:00:41.439 --> 00:00:44.179 the Edge. I'm Dave Drewy. And today, Chip Ingram 00:00:44.179 --> 00:00:47.039 continues our series called Choosing Love with 00:00:47.039 --> 00:00:49.299 a message that could revolutionize your marriage. 00:00:49.539 --> 00:00:53.020 From Colossians chapter 3, Chip reveals God's 00:00:53.020 --> 00:00:56.119 surprising command, treat your mate the way Christ 00:00:56.119 --> 00:00:59.659 treats you. That changes everything. You'll discover 00:00:59.659 --> 00:01:02.500 a practical step -by -step process spelled out 00:01:02.500 --> 00:01:05.700 in the acronym DIFFUSE, a biblical game plan 00:01:05.700 --> 00:01:08.739 for resolving conflict without attacking or avoiding. 00:01:09.340 --> 00:01:11.620 If tension has been building in your relationship, 00:01:11.959 --> 00:01:15.120 this message offers the way forward. Well, now 00:01:15.120 --> 00:01:17.719 here's Chip Ingram with a message titled, Resolving 00:01:17.719 --> 00:01:21.359 Conflict Peaceably. Our text is Colossians chapter 00:01:21.359 --> 00:01:27.760 3, verses 12 through 17. So, as those have been 00:01:27.760 --> 00:01:32.159 chosen by God, holy and beloved, that's who we 00:01:32.159 --> 00:01:34.840 are. We're putting on a heart of compassion, 00:01:35.239 --> 00:01:40.599 kindness, humility. gentleness and patience, 00:01:40.799 --> 00:01:44.540 bearing with one another and forgiving each other, 00:01:44.680 --> 00:01:49.819 whoever has a complaint against anyone. Forgiving 00:01:49.819 --> 00:01:52.260 one another, just as the Lord forgave you, so 00:01:52.260 --> 00:01:57.319 also should you. And beyond all these things, 00:01:57.359 --> 00:02:01.159 put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity. 00:02:01.379 --> 00:02:04.560 And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts 00:02:04.560 --> 00:02:07.400 to which you've been called into one body and 00:02:07.400 --> 00:02:11.530 be thankful. The command is, here's the command. 00:02:11.629 --> 00:02:14.389 It's real simple. We are to deal with our mates 00:02:14.389 --> 00:02:17.590 as Christ has dealt with us and deals with us. 00:02:17.729 --> 00:02:22.689 Okay, that's the issue. If you get nothing else, 00:02:22.810 --> 00:02:25.610 what would that look like if you would say... 00:02:26.189 --> 00:02:28.530 There's a conflict. There's a disagreement. I'm 00:02:28.530 --> 00:02:31.189 angry. I'm bitter. I'm resentful. Why did she 00:02:31.189 --> 00:02:34.189 do that again? I can't believe he did that. We've 00:02:34.189 --> 00:02:36.129 talked about it a hundred times. And when you 00:02:36.129 --> 00:02:39.370 come together, your one goal is I want to treat 00:02:39.370 --> 00:02:42.930 him or I want to treat her the way Christ treats 00:02:42.930 --> 00:02:45.289 me. Doesn't mean you're not going to have conflict, 00:02:45.389 --> 00:02:48.930 but I'll guarantee if you bear with one another, 00:02:49.110 --> 00:02:52.590 if you forgive one another. If you're beyond 00:02:52.590 --> 00:02:55.050 all these things put on love, and if you let 00:02:55.050 --> 00:02:58.069 the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, it'll 00:02:58.069 --> 00:03:01.349 come out a lot differently. Turn the page, if 00:03:01.349 --> 00:03:03.169 you will, and I want to give you this picture 00:03:03.169 --> 00:03:05.949 before I walk through a little acronym that's 00:03:05.949 --> 00:03:09.629 helped me. Jim Burns is a good friend, and he's 00:03:09.629 --> 00:03:12.189 a marriage and family therapist and speaker. 00:03:12.569 --> 00:03:15.830 Well, here's the acronym. The D is for define 00:03:15.830 --> 00:03:20.199 the problem on your own. Proverbs 15 .4 says, 00:03:20.319 --> 00:03:22.580 The discerning heart seeks knowledge, but the 00:03:22.580 --> 00:03:26.800 mouth of a fool feeds on folly. The I is for 00:03:26.800 --> 00:03:30.699 initiate a time to talk and then focus on the 00:03:30.699 --> 00:03:35.840 perceived problem. The second F is for feel their 00:03:35.840 --> 00:03:40.860 pain as though it were your own. Proverbs 17 00:03:40.860 --> 00:03:45.139 .17 says, A friend loves at all times and a brother 00:03:45.139 --> 00:03:50.789 or a spouse. was born for adversity. One of the 00:03:50.789 --> 00:03:55.090 tools, if you will, is using a word picture or 00:03:55.090 --> 00:03:58.969 a metaphor. Sometimes, remember when Nathan, 00:03:59.229 --> 00:04:00.949 I don't know how much you all know the Bible, 00:04:01.090 --> 00:04:03.610 I didn't grow up reading the Bible, but David 00:04:03.610 --> 00:04:06.509 was this really great king, and he commits adultery 00:04:06.509 --> 00:04:09.650 with this guy's wife, and then she gets pregnant, 00:04:09.729 --> 00:04:13.509 and the story is pretty quick. So he wants to 00:04:13.509 --> 00:04:15.389 cover it up, so he has her husband come back 00:04:15.389 --> 00:04:19.449 off the battlefield, gets him drunk, and sends 00:04:19.449 --> 00:04:21.589 him home to sleep with his wife so when the baby 00:04:21.589 --> 00:04:24.029 comes, he thinks it's his. And he's so honorable, 00:04:24.209 --> 00:04:26.569 he says, man, I'm not sleeping with my wife with 00:04:26.569 --> 00:04:29.350 all the other men out on the battlefield. He 00:04:29.350 --> 00:04:31.350 tries to get it going two or three different 00:04:31.350 --> 00:04:33.769 days. It doesn't work. And so he sends him back 00:04:33.769 --> 00:04:35.410 with a note, put the guy on the front lines, 00:04:35.430 --> 00:04:38.029 make sure he gets killed. Not exactly a godly 00:04:38.029 --> 00:04:46.160 king moment. So it's about a year. and the, not 00:04:46.160 --> 00:04:49.079 quite a year, the prophet Nathan comes. And, 00:04:49.160 --> 00:04:50.759 you know, that's a culture where you confront 00:04:50.759 --> 00:04:54.959 the king, like death is a very high probability. 00:04:55.779 --> 00:04:59.879 And so sometimes the way to help someone understand 00:04:59.879 --> 00:05:01.759 something where you know they're going to be 00:05:01.759 --> 00:05:06.819 defensive is by a story or a metaphor. And so 00:05:06.819 --> 00:05:11.009 Nathan comes and he goes, oh. King, I have to 00:05:11.009 --> 00:05:13.129 tell you this great story. It's so sad. Well, 00:05:13.189 --> 00:05:15.250 what is it? And he goes, it's happening in your 00:05:15.250 --> 00:05:17.170 kingdom of all places. Well, what is it? He goes, 00:05:17.230 --> 00:05:19.750 there's a man, he has hundreds and hundreds of 00:05:19.750 --> 00:05:22.569 sheep, and he's very wealthy, and a visitor came, 00:05:22.709 --> 00:05:25.560 and hospitality was sort of a given. You had 00:05:25.560 --> 00:05:27.980 to feed someone if they stopped in. And he said, 00:05:28.019 --> 00:05:29.779 this man, instead of his sheep, there was one 00:05:29.779 --> 00:05:32.560 man. He had one tiny little lamb. And it was 00:05:32.560 --> 00:05:34.360 not just a little lamb, but it slept with him. 00:05:34.420 --> 00:05:36.079 And it was like his pet. And it was his friend. 00:05:36.120 --> 00:05:38.100 And this rich man who had hundreds and hundreds 00:05:38.100 --> 00:05:40.720 of sheep, he took that man's lamb and he butchered 00:05:40.720 --> 00:05:45.120 it for his guests. And David was livid. This 00:05:45.120 --> 00:05:48.759 man shall pay for it. And then Nathan says, behold, 00:05:49.160 --> 00:05:53.680 you're the man. And see, what he helped him see 00:05:53.680 --> 00:05:58.029 was, The same thing in a different place. And 00:05:58.029 --> 00:05:59.670 so I won't go into the whole story, but it was 00:05:59.670 --> 00:06:03.269 another area where my work was consuming me and 00:06:03.269 --> 00:06:06.209 I was neglecting things in our home. And I can 00:06:06.209 --> 00:06:07.750 still remember sitting in front of the fireplace 00:06:07.750 --> 00:06:12.310 and my wife told me this story. And she goes, 00:06:12.350 --> 00:06:14.629 I want to talk about something, but you'll get 00:06:14.629 --> 00:06:16.589 defensive. No, no, I won't. No, you will. You'll 00:06:16.589 --> 00:06:19.379 get really defensive. I'm not supposed to say 00:06:19.379 --> 00:06:22.220 always, but you often do, okay? No, I promise 00:06:22.220 --> 00:06:24.180 I won't be defensive right now. So she's really 00:06:24.180 --> 00:06:29.100 setting me up. And then she asked me these questions 00:06:29.100 --> 00:06:31.300 like, you know, Chip, when we were driving by 00:06:31.300 --> 00:06:34.240 the church, I just noticed you commented on the 00:06:34.240 --> 00:06:36.259 grass and you commented, wow, that needs painted 00:06:36.259 --> 00:06:39.160 over there and the remodeling in the back. And 00:06:39.160 --> 00:06:41.240 you just seem to notice everything. She goes, 00:06:41.300 --> 00:06:44.300 boy, it's really amazing to me. I just think 00:06:44.300 --> 00:06:50.189 you're such a good boss. I think you're right. 00:06:50.350 --> 00:06:57.089 You know, down to the detail. And then she said, 00:06:57.129 --> 00:07:00.689 Chip, did you know that our dishwasher, when 00:07:00.689 --> 00:07:03.009 I run it, I put a towel under it because it's 00:07:03.009 --> 00:07:07.930 been broken for months. And so it leaks. And 00:07:07.930 --> 00:07:10.730 that in the boys' window and in Annie's window, 00:07:10.810 --> 00:07:13.610 when it rains, the water comes in because we 00:07:13.610 --> 00:07:16.800 have a leak. So I put towels there. And I don't 00:07:16.800 --> 00:07:18.079 know if you've noticed, but when you walk by 00:07:18.079 --> 00:07:19.839 our couch, if you've ever scratched your leg, 00:07:19.899 --> 00:07:24.779 there's a spring that's sticking out. And, you 00:07:24.779 --> 00:07:27.740 know, I don't think you've really noticed, but, 00:07:27.800 --> 00:07:31.399 you know, we did have a dog for a while and the 00:07:31.399 --> 00:07:33.860 other things, and there's, like, the carpet is 00:07:33.860 --> 00:07:41.720 soiled everywhere. And I was just, I feel like 00:07:41.720 --> 00:07:46.379 that, You see what really needs to be taken care 00:07:46.379 --> 00:07:51.439 of at work, but you don't see what needs to be 00:07:51.439 --> 00:07:54.519 taken care of here. And I know it's not true, 00:07:54.639 --> 00:08:00.079 but it feels like your work matters more than 00:08:00.079 --> 00:08:03.600 our home. And you're in charge of your work, 00:08:03.779 --> 00:08:08.540 and I'm in charge of our home. And I know this 00:08:08.540 --> 00:08:12.120 isn't true, but it makes me feel like you don't 00:08:12.120 --> 00:08:18.759 care about me then. Man, if she keeps doing this, 00:08:18.860 --> 00:08:21.959 I'm going to just, you know. Two days later, 00:08:22.079 --> 00:08:24.759 I mean, I got a buddy. I got a friend. It was 00:08:24.759 --> 00:08:27.220 like, okay, you ready? Man, we cleaned all the 00:08:27.220 --> 00:08:29.819 carpets. I called another buddy. I said, man, 00:08:29.879 --> 00:08:31.759 I don't think I really have the money. But, you 00:08:31.759 --> 00:08:34.340 know, we're replacing the windows. We got the 00:08:34.340 --> 00:08:36.700 windows done. Because what happened was it was 00:08:36.700 --> 00:08:42.000 like, oh, she's right. Now, by the way, I'm sharing 00:08:42.000 --> 00:08:45.120 kind of more of her side of it. And I've had. 00:08:46.440 --> 00:08:50.259 a few of my I feel messages, and I'll share a 00:08:50.259 --> 00:08:53.559 couple of those. But are you starting to see 00:08:53.559 --> 00:08:57.500 the power? But you're starting to see that this 00:08:57.500 --> 00:08:59.120 is what it looks like to bear with one another. 00:09:00.059 --> 00:09:02.259 This is what it looks like to forgive anyone 00:09:02.259 --> 00:09:05.779 who has a complaint against you. This is what 00:09:05.779 --> 00:09:08.299 it looks like to treat your mate the way Jesus 00:09:08.299 --> 00:09:11.220 treats you. I mean, when you sin, you don't get 00:09:11.220 --> 00:09:14.409 hit by lightning, do you? Holy Spirit, very sensitive, 00:09:14.549 --> 00:09:19.210 very clear, very specific. You're listening to 00:09:19.210 --> 00:09:21.909 Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and we'll 00:09:21.909 --> 00:09:24.629 continue in just a moment. Today's teaching is 00:09:24.629 --> 00:09:27.549 available for listening anytime over on our website, 00:09:27.789 --> 00:09:31.110 livingontheedge .org. Whether you want to listen 00:09:31.110 --> 00:09:33.509 again or share it with someone who needs encouragement, 00:09:33.769 --> 00:09:36.549 you'll find this message and hundreds more online. 00:09:37.230 --> 00:09:40.149 Plus discover small group resources and practical 00:09:40.149 --> 00:09:42.830 relationship tools designed to help you choose 00:09:42.830 --> 00:09:46.409 love daily. Check it all out at livingontheedge 00:09:46.409 --> 00:09:50.690 .org. Now let's get back to Chip's message. The 00:09:50.690 --> 00:09:55.950 U is uncover the root problem. Proverbs 20 verse 00:09:55.950 --> 00:09:58.789 5 says, The purposes in a man's heart are like 00:09:58.789 --> 00:10:00.789 deep waters, but a man of understanding draws 00:10:00.789 --> 00:10:05.970 them out. There's deep issues. The root problems. 00:10:08.039 --> 00:10:10.399 if they aren't dealt with, will just surface 00:10:10.399 --> 00:10:14.519 again and again and again. And I put a little 00:10:14.519 --> 00:10:18.159 chart here, and this is much more for another 00:10:18.159 --> 00:10:21.399 day. But in general, if the symptom is money, 00:10:21.539 --> 00:10:24.399 you're arguing about money, usually the root 00:10:24.399 --> 00:10:27.220 problem has to do with values, priorities, power, 00:10:27.399 --> 00:10:30.720 and control issues. So you can argue about money 00:10:30.720 --> 00:10:33.860 until Jesus comes. But the issue is you don't 00:10:33.860 --> 00:10:37.100 share the same values. Or there's someone that's 00:10:37.100 --> 00:10:42.639 got some control issues. Or, you know, your priorities 00:10:42.639 --> 00:10:44.980 are really different. You know, one of you thinks, 00:10:45.120 --> 00:10:48.759 wow, I mean, don't the kids need new shoes? And 00:10:48.759 --> 00:10:50.299 don't we need to do this? And don't we need to 00:10:50.299 --> 00:10:54.200 do that? And someone else thinks, gosh, shouldn't 00:10:54.200 --> 00:11:00.519 we go to more movies? Yeah, I don't know. One 00:11:00.519 --> 00:11:02.120 says, you know, we need to watch every penny 00:11:02.120 --> 00:11:03.840 and keep track of it. And the other just sort 00:11:03.840 --> 00:11:06.139 of, in most marriages, there's a spender and 00:11:06.139 --> 00:11:08.159 a saver. Why we marry each other, I don't know 00:11:08.159 --> 00:11:15.700 why. If there's sex problems, it's usually a 00:11:15.700 --> 00:11:20.539 communication issue, an unmet emotional need, 00:11:20.980 --> 00:11:30.610 a past history, baggage. A lot of times, As we 00:11:30.610 --> 00:11:33.629 worked through those issues with my wife, it 00:11:33.629 --> 00:11:37.549 was like, man, I just don't get it. But I failed 00:11:37.549 --> 00:11:39.789 to understand what it's like to be rejected by 00:11:39.789 --> 00:11:41.970 your father and then be rejected by another man. 00:11:42.230 --> 00:11:45.909 And her loved me very, very much and have struggles 00:11:45.909 --> 00:11:49.090 in areas in the early years sexually because 00:11:49.090 --> 00:11:54.330 all men were painted with this bad brush. And 00:11:54.330 --> 00:11:57.090 it was just like, you talk about rejection. So 00:11:57.090 --> 00:12:00.379 those were my feel, I feel messages. Honey, I 00:12:00.379 --> 00:12:06.320 feel like you don't love me when I want to be 00:12:06.320 --> 00:12:13.240 with you. And you're not very responsive. I just 00:12:13.240 --> 00:12:16.659 feel rejected. And you say, it's not me. It's 00:12:16.659 --> 00:12:19.179 not about me. Well, I'm the only other person 00:12:19.179 --> 00:12:23.299 in the room, right? But, okay, are you ready? 00:12:24.899 --> 00:12:27.480 I got news for you. There's couples that... They 00:12:27.480 --> 00:12:30.299 get stuck there and that's the way it is. And 00:12:30.299 --> 00:12:32.539 she perfunctorily will have some sex because 00:12:32.539 --> 00:12:34.139 she doesn't like it. Or by the way, it goes the 00:12:34.139 --> 00:12:39.440 other way. It can happen just the opposite. I 00:12:39.440 --> 00:12:43.740 had a couple in our church, beautiful gal. And 00:12:43.740 --> 00:12:46.480 really, it was deep insecurity issues with him 00:12:46.480 --> 00:12:50.440 and all kind of issues. And he struggled and 00:12:50.440 --> 00:12:53.860 didn't have anything to do with her. But I'll 00:12:53.860 --> 00:12:55.620 tell you this, they were never going to get... 00:12:55.840 --> 00:13:00.039 That's solved by themselves. In -law issues usually 00:13:00.039 --> 00:13:04.039 have to do with loyalty, expectations. And children 00:13:04.039 --> 00:13:06.779 and work, usually it's roles and goals. Who owns 00:13:06.779 --> 00:13:08.679 what? What are our goals? How are we going to 00:13:08.679 --> 00:13:12.600 get there? But those are just generalizations. 00:13:12.679 --> 00:13:17.840 Those are deep wells. But the majority of couples, 00:13:18.019 --> 00:13:20.139 they're all on the left side. My prediction, 00:13:20.240 --> 00:13:24.620 if you get married by about 25 years, You'll 00:13:24.620 --> 00:13:27.960 have every one of those at some point. Every 00:13:27.960 --> 00:13:31.120 one of them. So why be embarrassed to get some 00:13:31.120 --> 00:13:33.519 help or go to a counselor because every single 00:13:33.519 --> 00:13:35.480 person. Now, the people who don't do anything 00:13:35.480 --> 00:13:38.059 about it, what they do is they do what we call 00:13:38.059 --> 00:13:40.620 the parallel life track, live in the same home, 00:13:40.820 --> 00:13:44.000 have these deep unresolved issues. Do the best 00:13:44.000 --> 00:13:46.820 you can. While the kids are young, stay involved 00:13:46.820 --> 00:13:49.879 in the kids, usually as a woman. Do some things 00:13:49.879 --> 00:13:52.860 at work. And then when the empty nest is, the 00:13:52.860 --> 00:13:55.519 two most common times of divorce are first five 00:13:55.519 --> 00:13:58.580 years and right about 20 or 22 when the nest 00:13:58.580 --> 00:14:01.240 is empty. Because what you realize, you don't 00:14:01.240 --> 00:14:02.879 have anything that pulls you together anymore. 00:14:03.860 --> 00:14:06.000 You didn't develop your relationship. You didn't 00:14:06.000 --> 00:14:10.480 deal with issues. And it's never too late. It's 00:14:10.480 --> 00:14:12.779 never too late. In fact, it can be very, very 00:14:12.779 --> 00:14:17.340 exciting. The S is for set things right between 00:14:17.340 --> 00:14:21.539 you. James 5 .16 says, therefore confess your 00:14:21.539 --> 00:14:24.139 sins to each other and pray for each other so 00:14:24.139 --> 00:14:25.980 that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous 00:14:25.980 --> 00:14:29.120 man or a righteous woman, I'll add, is powerful 00:14:29.120 --> 00:14:32.759 and effective. And this is where humility comes. 00:14:32.940 --> 00:14:35.360 I mean, it took us a long time, but it's just 00:14:35.360 --> 00:14:39.440 own your responsibility. I mean, yes, you feel 00:14:39.440 --> 00:14:41.440 defensive and there's this and there's that. 00:14:41.559 --> 00:14:45.700 But little by little, since you're chosen, since 00:14:45.700 --> 00:14:48.039 you're already holy and set apart, and since 00:14:48.039 --> 00:14:49.700 you're already dearly loved, you know what you 00:14:49.700 --> 00:14:55.320 can say? You're right. I'm wrong. You ask for 00:14:55.320 --> 00:14:59.120 forgiveness. And I push this a bit. And look 00:14:59.120 --> 00:15:03.240 the person in the eye. Will you forgive me? And 00:15:03.240 --> 00:15:05.919 don't settle for, you know, yeah, it's okay. 00:15:06.120 --> 00:15:08.679 It wasn't that big a deal. No, no, no. That's 00:15:08.679 --> 00:15:14.220 not how we do this. Will you forgive me? And 00:15:14.220 --> 00:15:17.740 what you need is, yes, I will. I release you 00:15:17.740 --> 00:15:21.419 for what you did or what you said. And then if 00:15:21.419 --> 00:15:25.899 at all possible, pray together and out loud if 00:15:25.899 --> 00:15:30.230 possible. It's so healing. And then E is establish 00:15:30.230 --> 00:15:32.789 a specific action plan that addresses the issue 00:15:32.789 --> 00:15:37.009 discussed and write it down. I know this sounds 00:15:37.009 --> 00:15:39.309 perfunctory, but can I ask you a question? How 00:15:39.309 --> 00:15:45.929 is your plan that you don't have working? It's 00:15:45.929 --> 00:15:49.289 just a thought. You know, you can be in a meeting, 00:15:49.330 --> 00:15:52.870 oh, admiral or general, I think that's a terrible 00:15:52.870 --> 00:15:56.429 plan. Well, what's yours? The general of the 00:15:56.429 --> 00:15:59.360 universe says, This is at least my best understanding 00:15:59.360 --> 00:16:03.179 from Scripture. This is how to bear with one 00:16:03.179 --> 00:16:06.580 another. This is how to forgive one another. 00:16:07.279 --> 00:16:09.679 This is how to, whatever complaint you have, 00:16:09.799 --> 00:16:12.399 this is how to attack the problem and not the 00:16:12.399 --> 00:16:15.549 person. This is how to... Come together and let 00:16:15.549 --> 00:16:17.710 God be the umpire and let the peace of Christ 00:16:17.710 --> 00:16:20.370 rule in your hearts. This is how to beyond all 00:16:20.370 --> 00:16:23.509 things put on love because you all coming together, 00:16:23.649 --> 00:16:26.870 getting the relationship right is 10 times more 00:16:26.870 --> 00:16:32.649 important than who's right. And so that's how 00:16:32.649 --> 00:16:39.370 you diffuse conflict. And that's a pretty step 00:16:39.370 --> 00:16:45.960 -by -step process to do it. The last part of 00:16:45.960 --> 00:16:49.740 that action plan is I, as a husband, I will do 00:16:49.740 --> 00:16:53.759 this. And I have my wife, she writes down, I 00:16:53.759 --> 00:16:57.399 will commit to this by when. And then here's 00:16:57.399 --> 00:17:00.200 the key. The next time we'll meet and talk about 00:17:00.200 --> 00:17:03.700 this is. By the way, some of you just need some 00:17:03.700 --> 00:17:07.420 rhythms. And we didn't have any money most all 00:17:07.420 --> 00:17:10.160 the years growing up. But every Friday, because 00:17:10.160 --> 00:17:12.380 I taught on Saturday and Sunday, every Friday 00:17:12.380 --> 00:17:14.980 was my day off. And every Friday I dropped the 00:17:14.980 --> 00:17:17.240 kids off and I had a date with my wife. It was 00:17:17.240 --> 00:17:20.119 a breakfast date. And she knew that from breakfast 00:17:20.119 --> 00:17:22.960 to lunch or beyond, we were going to spend that 00:17:22.960 --> 00:17:25.640 time together. And yes, we would eat. We'd take 00:17:25.640 --> 00:17:29.309 a walk. We'd have some fun. We had a time where 00:17:29.309 --> 00:17:32.369 she knew, even if the stuff bothered her, we're 00:17:32.369 --> 00:17:35.670 only six and a half days away from an honest, 00:17:35.730 --> 00:17:38.549 good talk. If the only time you sit down to have 00:17:38.549 --> 00:17:41.990 a good talk is when you have junk, pretty soon 00:17:41.990 --> 00:17:44.890 it's not very fun. And so we would have a couple, 00:17:44.910 --> 00:17:47.750 three of these 15 -minute conferences where we're 00:17:47.750 --> 00:17:50.150 sharing things, and then we had one big time, 00:17:50.289 --> 00:17:52.369 and then Friday we'd have a little family night. 00:17:53.119 --> 00:17:56.299 And we just created a rhythm so the counts were 00:17:56.299 --> 00:17:58.640 short. And you know what? I told you about my 00:17:58.640 --> 00:18:01.720 dad. I told you about I grew up in an alcoholic 00:18:01.720 --> 00:18:04.920 home. I told you that I married a woman from 00:18:04.920 --> 00:18:07.579 an alcoholic home, from a very dysfunctional 00:18:07.579 --> 00:18:10.640 past, and we're a blended family, and we didn't 00:18:10.640 --> 00:18:12.440 know what we were doing, and we've had lots of 00:18:12.440 --> 00:18:16.599 problems. I would like to announce that I am 00:18:16.599 --> 00:18:18.720 married to one of the most amazing people in 00:18:18.720 --> 00:18:21.940 the world. but I have a deep, deep relationship 00:18:21.940 --> 00:18:24.339 with spiritual connection, emotional connection, 00:18:24.700 --> 00:18:28.500 and physical connection. Our kids are very, very 00:18:28.500 --> 00:18:31.819 imperfect, but very realistic, and have followed 00:18:31.819 --> 00:18:35.099 Jesus, determined to marry people that were like 00:18:35.099 --> 00:18:37.980 -minded, and are in the process of raising their 00:18:37.980 --> 00:18:41.700 kids where God's the umpire. All I just want 00:18:41.700 --> 00:18:44.200 you to know is God can take the most dysfunctional, 00:18:44.200 --> 00:18:49.789 difficult situations, and he can restore. I mean, 00:18:49.789 --> 00:18:52.809 if he can do it for us, my, you all have issues, 00:18:53.029 --> 00:18:58.869 but I understand him. They didn't call my wife's 00:18:58.869 --> 00:19:05.269 PTSD, but it was trauma, trauma, trauma. She 00:19:05.269 --> 00:19:08.869 needed someone to hang in there with her when 00:19:08.869 --> 00:19:10.910 he didn't want to and when he didn't understand 00:19:10.910 --> 00:19:13.809 and when he felt helpless, but just to be available. 00:19:15.230 --> 00:19:18.440 And I needed. To know that when I made that commitment 00:19:18.440 --> 00:19:20.619 to Jesus that he said he would give me whatever 00:19:20.619 --> 00:19:22.859 I needed to give her whatever she needed for 00:19:22.859 --> 00:19:27.059 as long until death do us part. And one of the 00:19:27.059 --> 00:19:28.900 things that happens when you say till death do 00:19:28.900 --> 00:19:31.759 us part and really mean it, then you know there's 00:19:31.759 --> 00:19:38.779 option A and option A. And option A is how in 00:19:38.779 --> 00:19:40.980 the world are we going to figure this out? Because 00:19:40.980 --> 00:19:44.359 we are not going to give up. We were in desperate 00:19:44.359 --> 00:19:50.710 need. But God said, draw near to me, I'll draw 00:19:50.710 --> 00:19:54.630 near to you. All the resources you need to have 00:19:54.630 --> 00:19:59.170 the marriage that you desire are available. And 00:19:59.170 --> 00:20:01.730 there's a God on the sidelines or maybe in the 00:20:01.730 --> 00:20:05.289 center, I'm not sure where in your life, who 00:20:05.289 --> 00:20:10.329 says, if you will give me a chance and if you 00:20:10.329 --> 00:20:16.289 will let me direct, it won't always feel good. 00:20:17.740 --> 00:20:26.559 But yes, you'll end up happy. But your marriage 00:20:26.559 --> 00:20:30.880 relationship is the most vivid picture along 00:20:30.880 --> 00:20:34.079 with the church that I left the world so they 00:20:34.079 --> 00:20:39.460 know I'm real. So please don't let me down. Please 00:20:39.460 --> 00:20:42.299 show the world what Jesus loving the church and 00:20:42.299 --> 00:20:45.460 the church loving Jesus looks like by your relationship. 00:20:48.170 --> 00:20:50.750 This is Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. 00:20:50.789 --> 00:20:53.210 In today's message from our series, Choosing 00:20:53.210 --> 00:20:56.529 Love, we learned the diffuse method, a biblical 00:20:56.529 --> 00:20:59.150 approach to handling conflict that really works. 00:20:59.589 --> 00:21:02.890 Chip has one final thought coming up. Conflict 00:21:02.890 --> 00:21:05.349 in marriage is inevitable, but how you handle 00:21:05.349 --> 00:21:07.809 it makes all the difference. That's why Chip 00:21:07.809 --> 00:21:10.750 wrote his book, I Choose Love, to show you that 00:21:10.750 --> 00:21:13.529 love isn't just a feeling you wait for. It's 00:21:13.529 --> 00:21:16.900 a decision you make. In this book, Chip unpacks 00:21:16.900 --> 00:21:19.380 what Philippians 2 teaches about agape love, 00:21:19.700 --> 00:21:22.640 God's kind of love. It's not driven by emotions 00:21:22.640 --> 00:21:26.220 or romance. It's marked by sacrifice, by choosing 00:21:26.220 --> 00:21:28.859 what's best for the other person, even when it's 00:21:28.859 --> 00:21:32.160 hard. When you grasp how this biblical love operates, 00:21:32.440 --> 00:21:35.480 every relationship changes, especially your marriage. 00:21:35.759 --> 00:21:38.880 To discover practical steps for living out agape 00:21:38.880 --> 00:21:43.339 love, get I Choose Love online at livingontheedge 00:21:43.339 --> 00:21:46.960 .org. here's something important messages like 00:21:46.960 --> 00:21:49.400 today's reach people around the world because 00:21:49.400 --> 00:21:52.539 partners like you believe biblical teaching changes 00:21:52.539 --> 00:21:55.900 lives your support today is helping couples learn 00:21:55.900 --> 00:21:59.160 to resolve conflict God's way bringing hope to 00:21:59.160 --> 00:22:02.089 marriages that desperately need it Will you stand 00:22:02.089 --> 00:22:05.509 with us? Give online at livingontheedge .org. 00:22:05.670 --> 00:22:08.369 On our mobile app, just click on the heart icon 00:22:08.369 --> 00:22:11.329 and follow the simple instructions. You can also 00:22:11.329 --> 00:22:16.890 call us right now at 888 -333 -6003. And one 00:22:16.890 --> 00:22:19.230 more thing. Have you subscribed to the Living 00:22:19.230 --> 00:22:21.750 on the Edge podcast? There you can check out 00:22:21.750 --> 00:22:24.509 the Chip Ingram sermon podcast feature, where 00:22:24.509 --> 00:22:26.750 you'll hear Chip's complete unedited messages 00:22:26.750 --> 00:22:30.099 from start to finish. All right, Chip, would 00:22:30.099 --> 00:22:32.200 you close today's program with a final thought? 00:22:32.619 --> 00:22:35.220 Absolutely, Dave. I'm glad to kind of go over 00:22:35.220 --> 00:22:37.559 that acronym because if you're in the middle 00:22:37.559 --> 00:22:39.759 of conflict, you kind of need that right now. 00:22:40.079 --> 00:22:44.720 It's DEFUSE. D is for define the problem. Don't 00:22:44.720 --> 00:22:47.640 just react to conflict. Go to the roots of it. 00:22:47.900 --> 00:22:51.559 I mean, what's the real problem? The I is initiate 00:22:51.559 --> 00:22:55.359 a time to talk. And the key is find the right 00:22:55.359 --> 00:22:58.680 time and the right place. And for sure, it's 00:22:58.680 --> 00:23:02.160 not when you're angry. The F in diffuse is for 00:23:02.160 --> 00:23:05.559 focus on the problem, not the person. This is 00:23:05.559 --> 00:23:08.789 really hard to do, but... emphasize the I feel 00:23:08.789 --> 00:23:11.869 approach. Not you did this or you did that or 00:23:11.869 --> 00:23:16.029 why did you do this is I feel hurt. I feel frustrated. 00:23:16.210 --> 00:23:19.750 I feel is very, very helpful. The other F is 00:23:19.750 --> 00:23:23.069 for feel their pain. Your spouse is not the enemy. 00:23:23.250 --> 00:23:26.009 They're your teammate to tackle this issue together. 00:23:27.160 --> 00:23:29.680 Sometimes it's just looking on their face and 00:23:29.680 --> 00:23:34.079 realizing they're as frustrated or hurt or wounded 00:23:34.079 --> 00:23:37.420 as you are. And often, you know, if you can take 00:23:37.420 --> 00:23:40.880 some time, then you're diffusing that emotion 00:23:40.880 --> 00:23:43.259 and those words that are going to cause a bigger 00:23:43.259 --> 00:23:45.799 problem that could often come out of your mouth. 00:23:45.960 --> 00:23:48.819 And then the U is for uncover the root problem. 00:23:49.140 --> 00:23:53.339 If undealt with. These issues keep resurfacing 00:23:53.339 --> 00:23:56.220 over and over and over. I mean, you argue about 00:23:56.220 --> 00:23:58.519 sex, you argue about money, you argue about in 00:23:58.519 --> 00:24:01.859 -laws, you argue about the kids. Those are not 00:24:01.859 --> 00:24:05.140 the issues. Those reveal underlying issues that 00:24:05.140 --> 00:24:07.819 we talked about in the message. The S is for 00:24:07.819 --> 00:24:12.420 set things right. And that means own your wrongs 00:24:12.420 --> 00:24:14.900 and ask for forgiveness. And by the way, don't 00:24:14.900 --> 00:24:18.339 blow this off. This is like I was wrong. I'm 00:24:18.339 --> 00:24:20.960 sorry. Will you forgive me? And you look them 00:24:20.960 --> 00:24:23.700 in the eye. And finally, the last D is establish 00:24:23.700 --> 00:24:26.859 an action plan. It's easy just to kind of get, 00:24:26.880 --> 00:24:28.740 well, oh, here's the problem. I forgive you. 00:24:28.759 --> 00:24:31.440 Move on. No, you got to say, OK, now what are 00:24:31.440 --> 00:24:34.440 we going to do moving forward? That's diffusing 00:24:34.440 --> 00:24:37.660 conflict. And I will tell you, I've used it a 00:24:37.660 --> 00:24:40.359 lot. And I think God will use it in your life. 00:24:40.960 --> 00:24:43.980 Money fights. They're real. They're common. And 00:24:43.980 --> 00:24:46.680 they can tear a marriage apart. Tomorrow, discover 00:24:46.680 --> 00:24:49.059 how to get on the same page financially with 00:24:49.059 --> 00:24:51.880 your spouse right here on Living on the Edge. 00:24:54.980 --> 00:24:57.500 Today's program is produced and sponsored by 00:24:57.500 --> 00:24:58.680 Living on the Edge.