Today on Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.
Important marriage question. How do you handle
conflict in your relationship? In my experience,
there's turtles and sharks. Sharks attack when
there's conflict. Turtles put their head inside
their shell. Neither of those approaches work
well. Let me give you a third one, a biblical
one today about how to resolve conflict in your
marriage. Stay with us. Welcome to Living on
the Edge. I'm Dave Drewy. And today, Chip Ingram
continues our series called Choosing Love with
a message that could revolutionize your marriage.
From Colossians chapter 3, Chip reveals God's
surprising command, treat your mate the way Christ
treats you. That changes everything. You'll discover
a practical step -by -step process spelled out
in the acronym DIFFUSE, a biblical game plan
for resolving conflict without attacking or avoiding.
If tension has been building in your relationship,
this message offers the way forward. Well, now
here's Chip Ingram with a message titled, Resolving
Conflict Peaceably. Our text is Colossians chapter
3, verses 12 through 17. So, as those have been
chosen by God, holy and beloved, that's who we
are. We're putting on a heart of compassion,
kindness, humility. gentleness and patience,
bearing with one another and forgiving each other,
whoever has a complaint against anyone. Forgiving
one another, just as the Lord forgave you, so
also should you. And beyond all these things,
put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity.
And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts
to which you've been called into one body and
be thankful. The command is, here's the command.
It's real simple. We are to deal with our mates
as Christ has dealt with us and deals with us.
Okay, that's the issue. If you get nothing else,
what would that look like if you would say...
There's a conflict. There's a disagreement. I'm
angry. I'm bitter. I'm resentful. Why did she
do that again? I can't believe he did that. We've
talked about it a hundred times. And when you
come together, your one goal is I want to treat
him or I want to treat her the way Christ treats
me. Doesn't mean you're not going to have conflict,
but I'll guarantee if you bear with one another,
if you forgive one another. If you're beyond
all these things put on love, and if you let
the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, it'll
come out a lot differently. Turn the page, if
you will, and I want to give you this picture
before I walk through a little acronym that's
helped me. Jim Burns is a good friend, and he's
a marriage and family therapist and speaker.
Well, here's the acronym. The D is for define
the problem on your own. Proverbs 15 .4 says,
The discerning heart seeks knowledge, but the
mouth of a fool feeds on folly. The I is for
initiate a time to talk and then focus on the
perceived problem. The second F is for feel their
pain as though it were your own. Proverbs 17
.17 says, A friend loves at all times and a brother
or a spouse. was born for adversity. One of the
tools, if you will, is using a word picture or
a metaphor. Sometimes, remember when Nathan,
I don't know how much you all know the Bible,
I didn't grow up reading the Bible, but David
was this really great king, and he commits adultery
with this guy's wife, and then she gets pregnant,
and the story is pretty quick. So he wants to
cover it up, so he has her husband come back
off the battlefield, gets him drunk, and sends
him home to sleep with his wife so when the baby
comes, he thinks it's his. And he's so honorable,
he says, man, I'm not sleeping with my wife with
all the other men out on the battlefield. He
tries to get it going two or three different
days. It doesn't work. And so he sends him back
with a note, put the guy on the front lines,
make sure he gets killed. Not exactly a godly
king moment. So it's about a year. and the, not
quite a year, the prophet Nathan comes. And,
you know, that's a culture where you confront
the king, like death is a very high probability.
And so sometimes the way to help someone understand
something where you know they're going to be
defensive is by a story or a metaphor. And so
Nathan comes and he goes, oh. King, I have to
tell you this great story. It's so sad. Well,
what is it? And he goes, it's happening in your
kingdom of all places. Well, what is it? He goes,
there's a man, he has hundreds and hundreds of
sheep, and he's very wealthy, and a visitor came,
and hospitality was sort of a given. You had
to feed someone if they stopped in. And he said,
this man, instead of his sheep, there was one
man. He had one tiny little lamb. And it was
not just a little lamb, but it slept with him.
And it was like his pet. And it was his friend.
And this rich man who had hundreds and hundreds
of sheep, he took that man's lamb and he butchered
it for his guests. And David was livid. This
man shall pay for it. And then Nathan says, behold,
you're the man. And see, what he helped him see
was, The same thing in a different place. And
so I won't go into the whole story, but it was
another area where my work was consuming me and
I was neglecting things in our home. And I can
still remember sitting in front of the fireplace
and my wife told me this story. And she goes,
I want to talk about something, but you'll get
defensive. No, no, I won't. No, you will. You'll
get really defensive. I'm not supposed to say
always, but you often do, okay? No, I promise
I won't be defensive right now. So she's really
setting me up. And then she asked me these questions
like, you know, Chip, when we were driving by
the church, I just noticed you commented on the
grass and you commented, wow, that needs painted
over there and the remodeling in the back. And
you just seem to notice everything. She goes,
boy, it's really amazing to me. I just think
you're such a good boss. I think you're right.
You know, down to the detail. And then she said,
Chip, did you know that our dishwasher, when
I run it, I put a towel under it because it's
been broken for months. And so it leaks. And
that in the boys' window and in Annie's window,
when it rains, the water comes in because we
have a leak. So I put towels there. And I don't
know if you've noticed, but when you walk by
our couch, if you've ever scratched your leg,
there's a spring that's sticking out. And, you
know, I don't think you've really noticed, but,
you know, we did have a dog for a while and the
other things, and there's, like, the carpet is
soiled everywhere. And I was just, I feel like
that, You see what really needs to be taken care
of at work, but you don't see what needs to be
taken care of here. And I know it's not true,
but it feels like your work matters more than
our home. And you're in charge of your work,
and I'm in charge of our home. And I know this
isn't true, but it makes me feel like you don't
care about me then. Man, if she keeps doing this,
I'm going to just, you know. Two days later,
I mean, I got a buddy. I got a friend. It was
like, okay, you ready? Man, we cleaned all the
carpets. I called another buddy. I said, man,
I don't think I really have the money. But, you
know, we're replacing the windows. We got the
windows done. Because what happened was it was
like, oh, she's right. Now, by the way, I'm sharing
kind of more of her side of it. And I've had.
a few of my I feel messages, and I'll share a
couple of those. But are you starting to see
the power? But you're starting to see that this
is what it looks like to bear with one another.
This is what it looks like to forgive anyone
who has a complaint against you. This is what
it looks like to treat your mate the way Jesus
treats you. I mean, when you sin, you don't get
hit by lightning, do you? Holy Spirit, very sensitive,
very clear, very specific. You're listening to
Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and we'll
continue in just a moment. Today's teaching is
available for listening anytime over on our website,
livingontheedge .org. Whether you want to listen
again or share it with someone who needs encouragement,
you'll find this message and hundreds more online.
Plus discover small group resources and practical
relationship tools designed to help you choose
love daily. Check it all out at livingontheedge
.org. Now let's get back to Chip's message. The
U is uncover the root problem. Proverbs 20 verse
5 says, The purposes in a man's heart are like
deep waters, but a man of understanding draws
them out. There's deep issues. The root problems.
if they aren't dealt with, will just surface
again and again and again. And I put a little
chart here, and this is much more for another
day. But in general, if the symptom is money,
you're arguing about money, usually the root
problem has to do with values, priorities, power,
and control issues. So you can argue about money
until Jesus comes. But the issue is you don't
share the same values. Or there's someone that's
got some control issues. Or, you know, your priorities
are really different. You know, one of you thinks,
wow, I mean, don't the kids need new shoes? And
don't we need to do this? And don't we need to
do that? And someone else thinks, gosh, shouldn't
we go to more movies? Yeah, I don't know. One
says, you know, we need to watch every penny
and keep track of it. And the other just sort
of, in most marriages, there's a spender and
a saver. Why we marry each other, I don't know
why. If there's sex problems, it's usually a
communication issue, an unmet emotional need,
a past history, baggage. A lot of times, As we
worked through those issues with my wife, it
was like, man, I just don't get it. But I failed
to understand what it's like to be rejected by
your father and then be rejected by another man.
And her loved me very, very much and have struggles
in areas in the early years sexually because
all men were painted with this bad brush. And
it was just like, you talk about rejection. So
those were my feel, I feel messages. Honey, I
feel like you don't love me when I want to be
with you. And you're not very responsive. I just
feel rejected. And you say, it's not me. It's
not about me. Well, I'm the only other person
in the room, right? But, okay, are you ready?
I got news for you. There's couples that... They
get stuck there and that's the way it is. And
she perfunctorily will have some sex because
she doesn't like it. Or by the way, it goes the
other way. It can happen just the opposite. I
had a couple in our church, beautiful gal. And
really, it was deep insecurity issues with him
and all kind of issues. And he struggled and
didn't have anything to do with her. But I'll
tell you this, they were never going to get...
That's solved by themselves. In -law issues usually
have to do with loyalty, expectations. And children
and work, usually it's roles and goals. Who owns
what? What are our goals? How are we going to
get there? But those are just generalizations.
Those are deep wells. But the majority of couples,
they're all on the left side. My prediction,
if you get married by about 25 years, You'll
have every one of those at some point. Every
one of them. So why be embarrassed to get some
help or go to a counselor because every single
person. Now, the people who don't do anything
about it, what they do is they do what we call
the parallel life track, live in the same home,
have these deep unresolved issues. Do the best
you can. While the kids are young, stay involved
in the kids, usually as a woman. Do some things
at work. And then when the empty nest is, the
two most common times of divorce are first five
years and right about 20 or 22 when the nest
is empty. Because what you realize, you don't
have anything that pulls you together anymore.
You didn't develop your relationship. You didn't
deal with issues. And it's never too late. It's
never too late. In fact, it can be very, very
exciting. The S is for set things right between
you. James 5 .16 says, therefore confess your
sins to each other and pray for each other so
that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous
man or a righteous woman, I'll add, is powerful
and effective. And this is where humility comes.
I mean, it took us a long time, but it's just
own your responsibility. I mean, yes, you feel
defensive and there's this and there's that.
But little by little, since you're chosen, since
you're already holy and set apart, and since
you're already dearly loved, you know what you
can say? You're right. I'm wrong. You ask for
forgiveness. And I push this a bit. And look
the person in the eye. Will you forgive me? And
don't settle for, you know, yeah, it's okay.
It wasn't that big a deal. No, no, no. That's
not how we do this. Will you forgive me? And
what you need is, yes, I will. I release you
for what you did or what you said. And then if
at all possible, pray together and out loud if
possible. It's so healing. And then E is establish
a specific action plan that addresses the issue
discussed and write it down. I know this sounds
perfunctory, but can I ask you a question? How
is your plan that you don't have working? It's
just a thought. You know, you can be in a meeting,
oh, admiral or general, I think that's a terrible
plan. Well, what's yours? The general of the
universe says, This is at least my best understanding
from Scripture. This is how to bear with one
another. This is how to forgive one another.
This is how to, whatever complaint you have,
this is how to attack the problem and not the
person. This is how to... Come together and let
God be the umpire and let the peace of Christ
rule in your hearts. This is how to beyond all
things put on love because you all coming together,
getting the relationship right is 10 times more
important than who's right. And so that's how
you diffuse conflict. And that's a pretty step
-by -step process to do it. The last part of
that action plan is I, as a husband, I will do
this. And I have my wife, she writes down, I
will commit to this by when. And then here's
the key. The next time we'll meet and talk about
this is. By the way, some of you just need some
rhythms. And we didn't have any money most all
the years growing up. But every Friday, because
I taught on Saturday and Sunday, every Friday
was my day off. And every Friday I dropped the
kids off and I had a date with my wife. It was
a breakfast date. And she knew that from breakfast
to lunch or beyond, we were going to spend that
time together. And yes, we would eat. We'd take
a walk. We'd have some fun. We had a time where
she knew, even if the stuff bothered her, we're
only six and a half days away from an honest,
good talk. If the only time you sit down to have
a good talk is when you have junk, pretty soon
it's not very fun. And so we would have a couple,
three of these 15 -minute conferences where we're
sharing things, and then we had one big time,
and then Friday we'd have a little family night.
And we just created a rhythm so the counts were
short. And you know what? I told you about my
dad. I told you about I grew up in an alcoholic
home. I told you that I married a woman from
an alcoholic home, from a very dysfunctional
past, and we're a blended family, and we didn't
know what we were doing, and we've had lots of
problems. I would like to announce that I am
married to one of the most amazing people in
the world. but I have a deep, deep relationship
with spiritual connection, emotional connection,
and physical connection. Our kids are very, very
imperfect, but very realistic, and have followed
Jesus, determined to marry people that were like
-minded, and are in the process of raising their
kids where God's the umpire. All I just want
you to know is God can take the most dysfunctional,
difficult situations, and he can restore. I mean,
if he can do it for us, my, you all have issues,
but I understand him. They didn't call my wife's
PTSD, but it was trauma, trauma, trauma. She
needed someone to hang in there with her when
he didn't want to and when he didn't understand
and when he felt helpless, but just to be available.
And I needed. To know that when I made that commitment
to Jesus that he said he would give me whatever
I needed to give her whatever she needed for
as long until death do us part. And one of the
things that happens when you say till death do
us part and really mean it, then you know there's
option A and option A. And option A is how in
the world are we going to figure this out? Because
we are not going to give up. We were in desperate
need. But God said, draw near to me, I'll draw
near to you. All the resources you need to have
the marriage that you desire are available. And
there's a God on the sidelines or maybe in the
center, I'm not sure where in your life, who
says, if you will give me a chance and if you
will let me direct, it won't always feel good.
But yes, you'll end up happy. But your marriage
relationship is the most vivid picture along
with the church that I left the world so they
know I'm real. So please don't let me down. Please
show the world what Jesus loving the church and
the church loving Jesus looks like by your relationship.
This is Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.
In today's message from our series, Choosing
Love, we learned the diffuse method, a biblical
approach to handling conflict that really works.
Chip has one final thought coming up. Conflict
in marriage is inevitable, but how you handle
it makes all the difference. That's why Chip
wrote his book, I Choose Love, to show you that
love isn't just a feeling you wait for. It's
a decision you make. In this book, Chip unpacks
what Philippians 2 teaches about agape love,
God's kind of love. It's not driven by emotions
or romance. It's marked by sacrifice, by choosing
what's best for the other person, even when it's
hard. When you grasp how this biblical love operates,
every relationship changes, especially your marriage.
To discover practical steps for living out agape
love, get I Choose Love online at livingontheedge
.org. here's something important messages like
today's reach people around the world because
partners like you believe biblical teaching changes
lives your support today is helping couples learn
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you'll hear Chip's complete unedited messages
from start to finish. All right, Chip, would
you close today's program with a final thought?
Absolutely, Dave. I'm glad to kind of go over
that acronym because if you're in the middle
of conflict, you kind of need that right now.
It's DEFUSE. D is for define the problem. Don't
just react to conflict. Go to the roots of it.
I mean, what's the real problem? The I is initiate
a time to talk. And the key is find the right
time and the right place. And for sure, it's
not when you're angry. The F in diffuse is for
focus on the problem, not the person. This is
really hard to do, but... emphasize the I feel
approach. Not you did this or you did that or
why did you do this is I feel hurt. I feel frustrated.
I feel is very, very helpful. The other F is
for feel their pain. Your spouse is not the enemy.
They're your teammate to tackle this issue together.
Sometimes it's just looking on their face and
realizing they're as frustrated or hurt or wounded
as you are. And often, you know, if you can take
some time, then you're diffusing that emotion
and those words that are going to cause a bigger
problem that could often come out of your mouth.
And then the U is for uncover the root problem.
If undealt with. These issues keep resurfacing
over and over and over. I mean, you argue about
sex, you argue about money, you argue about in
-laws, you argue about the kids. Those are not
the issues. Those reveal underlying issues that
we talked about in the message. The S is for
set things right. And that means own your wrongs
and ask for forgiveness. And by the way, don't
blow this off. This is like I was wrong. I'm
sorry. Will you forgive me? And you look them
in the eye. And finally, the last D is establish
an action plan. It's easy just to kind of get,
well, oh, here's the problem. I forgive you.
Move on. No, you got to say, OK, now what are
we going to do moving forward? That's diffusing
conflict. And I will tell you, I've used it a
lot. And I think God will use it in your life.
Money fights. They're real. They're common. And
they can tear a marriage apart. Tomorrow, discover
how to get on the same page financially with
your spouse right here on Living on the Edge.
Today's program is produced and sponsored by
Living on the Edge.