WEBVTT 00:00:00.900 --> 00:00:04.559 This is the Chip Ingram Sermon Podcast, brought 00:00:04.559 --> 00:00:07.719 to you by Living on the Edge. In this podcast, 00:00:07.980 --> 00:00:10.560 you'll hear Chip's teaching unedited and from 00:00:10.560 --> 00:00:14.060 beginning to end. Here's Chip Ingram with a new 00:00:14.060 --> 00:00:16.820 message titled, Resolving Conflict Peaceably. 00:00:17.219 --> 00:00:19.980 We are looking at skill number three. It's how 00:00:19.980 --> 00:00:22.519 to resolve conflict. Are you ready for this? 00:00:22.760 --> 00:00:28.359 Peaceably. You know, so nobody gets hurt. Number 00:00:28.359 --> 00:00:30.379 one, here's a biblical perspective of conflict. 00:00:30.640 --> 00:00:33.820 Number one, it is inevitable. Jesus said in the 00:00:33.820 --> 00:00:36.899 world, you will have tribulation. So we wouldn't 00:00:36.899 --> 00:00:39.939 be surprised. Second, it flows from our differences 00:00:39.939 --> 00:00:44.380 in perspective. Paul and Barnabas, remember, 00:00:44.619 --> 00:00:49.640 John Mark was a flake. He went back. The next 00:00:49.640 --> 00:00:51.700 trip, Barnabas says, hey, I think we should take 00:00:51.700 --> 00:00:54.759 John Mark. He's the son of encouragement, his 00:00:54.759 --> 00:00:57.240 gifts, his philosophy. Everyone fails sometimes. 00:00:57.560 --> 00:01:00.880 Let's bring him along. Paul is very mission A 00:01:00.880 --> 00:01:03.359 type. You know what? We are not going to sacrifice 00:01:03.359 --> 00:01:06.019 the mission. He blew it one time. The mission 00:01:06.019 --> 00:01:07.879 is more important. If you want to help him, you 00:01:07.879 --> 00:01:09.840 stick around and help him. And it says they had 00:01:09.840 --> 00:01:13.480 such a sharp disagreement, we get our word schism. 00:01:14.560 --> 00:01:17.560 And Paul and Barnabas went different ways. I 00:01:17.560 --> 00:01:20.420 don't think either of them are wrong. One was 00:01:20.420 --> 00:01:22.680 an encourager that needed to help a guy. The 00:01:22.680 --> 00:01:26.060 other realized, you know what? Jesus told me 00:01:26.060 --> 00:01:28.879 to take the gospel to all the world and I can't 00:01:28.879 --> 00:01:31.040 risk the mission on a guy that I can't depend 00:01:31.040 --> 00:01:37.459 on. So there's differences in perspective. Sometimes 00:01:37.459 --> 00:01:41.560 it's just selfish desires. James would say, what 00:01:41.560 --> 00:01:43.739 are the causes of fights and quarrels among you? 00:01:43.799 --> 00:01:46.530 Don't they come? From your desires or your lusts 00:01:46.530 --> 00:01:48.810 that battle within you. You want something. You 00:01:48.810 --> 00:01:51.390 don't get it. You kill. You covet. But you can't 00:01:51.390 --> 00:01:53.549 have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You 00:01:53.549 --> 00:01:55.969 do not have because you do not ask God. And when 00:01:55.969 --> 00:01:58.109 you do ask God, you ask with the wrong motives. 00:01:58.310 --> 00:02:01.230 That you can spend it on your pleasures. You 00:02:01.230 --> 00:02:03.569 know, behind a lot of conflict is just plain 00:02:03.569 --> 00:02:07.719 old selfishness and sin. And then finally, sometimes 00:02:07.719 --> 00:02:10.340 it's just personality differences. Paul has a 00:02:10.340 --> 00:02:13.699 couple ladies in Euodia and Syntyche. And he 00:02:13.699 --> 00:02:15.840 says they're both great. They're both helpers. 00:02:15.840 --> 00:02:17.659 They're both wonderful people. But they can't 00:02:17.659 --> 00:02:20.479 get along. Maybe it's personality. We don't know. 00:02:20.599 --> 00:02:23.419 But they needed an outside help. They needed 00:02:23.419 --> 00:02:25.780 a counselor, according to Paul. I want you to 00:02:25.780 --> 00:02:28.340 get these two ladies together. They're both super. 00:02:29.000 --> 00:02:32.400 But together, they just rub each other the wrong 00:02:32.400 --> 00:02:35.479 way. All I want you to get is this. Conflict 00:02:35.479 --> 00:02:38.360 is normal, and healthy conflict produces an opportunity 00:02:38.360 --> 00:02:42.860 for growth, but can be destructive unless addressed 00:02:42.860 --> 00:02:46.479 wisely, lovingly, and with rules to govern the 00:02:46.479 --> 00:02:50.400 process. How many of you have a very clear pattern 00:02:50.400 --> 00:02:52.780 that you follow when there's conflict? Yeah, 00:02:52.800 --> 00:02:54.960 this is what we do when we have... You know, 00:02:55.039 --> 00:02:57.199 when we have a discussion, what you really mean 00:02:57.199 --> 00:02:59.539 is an argument's about to burst out, but you 00:02:59.539 --> 00:03:02.240 have a plan when you disagree. All I'm going 00:03:02.240 --> 00:03:05.520 to do is I'm going to give you a plan. So our 00:03:05.520 --> 00:03:12.280 text is Colossians 3, verses 12 through 17. If 00:03:12.280 --> 00:03:16.479 you're kind of getting it, it's so as those have 00:03:16.479 --> 00:03:20.800 been chosen by God, holy and beloved, that's 00:03:20.800 --> 00:03:23.699 who we are. We're putting on a heart of compassion. 00:03:25.540 --> 00:03:29.479 kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, 00:03:29.659 --> 00:03:33.120 bearing with one another, and forgiving each 00:03:33.120 --> 00:03:36.259 other, whoever has a complaint against anyone. 00:03:38.060 --> 00:03:40.639 Forgiving one another, just as the Lord forgave 00:03:40.639 --> 00:03:45.919 you, so also should you. And beyond all these 00:03:45.919 --> 00:03:48.719 things, put on love, which is the perfect bond 00:03:48.719 --> 00:03:52.919 of unity. And let the peace of Christ rule in 00:03:52.919 --> 00:03:55.060 your hearts to which you've been called into 00:03:55.060 --> 00:04:00.060 one body and be thankful. The command is, here's 00:04:00.060 --> 00:04:02.439 the command. It's real simple. We are to deal 00:04:02.439 --> 00:04:05.699 with our mates as Christ has dealt with us and 00:04:05.699 --> 00:04:10.439 deals with us. Okay, that's the issue. If you 00:04:10.439 --> 00:04:13.740 get nothing else, what would that look like if 00:04:13.740 --> 00:04:16.389 you would say, There's a conflict. There's a 00:04:16.389 --> 00:04:19.310 disagreement. I'm angry. I'm bitter. I'm resentful. 00:04:19.370 --> 00:04:22.149 Why did she do that again? I can't believe he 00:04:22.149 --> 00:04:24.329 did that. We've talked about it a hundred times. 00:04:24.529 --> 00:04:27.069 And when you come together, your one goal is 00:04:27.069 --> 00:04:30.430 I want to treat him or I want to treat her the 00:04:30.430 --> 00:04:34.449 way Christ treats me. Doesn't mean you're not 00:04:34.449 --> 00:04:37.689 going to have conflict, but I'll guarantee if 00:04:37.689 --> 00:04:41.290 you bear with one another, if you forgive one 00:04:41.290 --> 00:04:44.370 another. If you're beyond all these things put 00:04:44.370 --> 00:04:47.189 on love, and if you let the peace of Christ rule 00:04:47.189 --> 00:04:49.970 in your hearts, it'll come out a lot differently. 00:04:50.310 --> 00:04:53.029 Let me show you what these words mean. Bearing 00:04:53.029 --> 00:04:55.930 with one another is just basically, what are 00:04:55.930 --> 00:04:59.370 things that cause tension? And they're not necessarily 00:04:59.370 --> 00:05:03.970 moral or wrong, but they're just, there's certain 00:05:03.970 --> 00:05:07.389 things, unless you've been married like six months, 00:05:07.529 --> 00:05:12.439 right? And they're still in la -la land. Oh no, 00:05:12.600 --> 00:05:14.620 she's so wonderful. She's never done anything 00:05:14.620 --> 00:05:17.079 wrong ever. He's so strong. He's so handsome. 00:05:17.259 --> 00:05:22.160 I can't believe he loves me. 18 months later, 00:05:22.300 --> 00:05:27.139 I can't believe, right? But this is, how do you 00:05:27.139 --> 00:05:30.779 put up with the things that people do, some that 00:05:30.779 --> 00:05:33.800 might be wrong, but more, this is the idea of 00:05:33.800 --> 00:05:36.459 idiosyncrasies, of things that rub you the wrong 00:05:36.459 --> 00:05:38.120 way, that we've talked about them and they just 00:05:38.120 --> 00:05:41.040 keep doing them. And he says, bear with one another. 00:05:41.769 --> 00:05:44.850 In other words, it's deal with tension and things 00:05:44.850 --> 00:05:47.990 that bother you in a constructive way. And then 00:05:47.990 --> 00:05:50.529 forgive one another. This is a hurt or offense. 00:05:51.209 --> 00:05:53.870 The New Testament word for forgive literally 00:05:53.870 --> 00:05:59.589 is to release. And I'm going to dig in a bit 00:05:59.589 --> 00:06:01.649 more to forgiveness a little bit later because 00:06:01.649 --> 00:06:06.970 get clear, forgiveness is a choice to not pay 00:06:06.970 --> 00:06:08.709 the other person back for what they've done. 00:06:09.589 --> 00:06:16.680 I release you. And what comes up in our minds 00:06:16.680 --> 00:06:18.519 is, that's not fair. I'm not going to let him 00:06:18.519 --> 00:06:21.160 off the hook. No, you don't let him off the hook. 00:06:21.199 --> 00:06:23.319 What you do is you say, I'm going to take this 00:06:23.319 --> 00:06:25.860 offense and I'm going to release it and I'm going 00:06:25.860 --> 00:06:28.000 to put you on God's hook. He's the just one. 00:06:29.560 --> 00:06:34.100 And you do. People who refuse to forgive are 00:06:34.100 --> 00:06:36.279 people who drink poison and think it's going 00:06:36.279 --> 00:06:39.920 to kill the other person. When you don't forgive, 00:06:40.060 --> 00:06:43.779 I mean, it's medical. It's ulcers. It's migraines. 00:06:46.339 --> 00:06:50.259 It's low immune system. Lack of forgiveness will 00:06:50.259 --> 00:06:53.920 destroy your life. It will destroy your soul. 00:06:54.839 --> 00:07:00.500 By the way, our Father who art in heaven, hallowed 00:07:00.500 --> 00:07:03.839 be thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done 00:07:03.839 --> 00:07:08.240 on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day 00:07:08.240 --> 00:07:13.000 our daily bread and... Forgive us our sins or 00:07:13.000 --> 00:07:18.660 trespasses as we... Remember what Jesus said? 00:07:19.579 --> 00:07:22.879 If you do not forgive your brother from the heart, 00:07:23.019 --> 00:07:25.879 your heavenly father will not forgive you. This 00:07:25.879 --> 00:07:30.480 is really important. So we'll talk about... It 00:07:30.480 --> 00:07:32.879 doesn't mean... By the way, forgiveness and reconciliation 00:07:32.879 --> 00:07:36.379 aren't the same thing. You can forgive a person. 00:07:36.439 --> 00:07:38.300 That doesn't mean that everything goes back to 00:07:38.300 --> 00:07:42.529 normal. Sometimes trust has to be rebuilt, or 00:07:42.529 --> 00:07:44.910 sometimes a person in some other circumstances 00:07:44.910 --> 00:07:48.110 are dangerous, and you forgive them, but that 00:07:48.110 --> 00:07:51.689 abuser can't be in your life anymore, or in one 00:07:51.689 --> 00:07:55.370 of your kids' lives. We'll clarify that, but 00:07:55.370 --> 00:07:58.110 I just want to get through the passage. Whoever 00:07:58.110 --> 00:08:06.069 has a complaint, in other words, it bothers you. 00:08:06.649 --> 00:08:09.709 It just really bothers, what they have done really 00:08:09.709 --> 00:08:12.709 bothers you. It's personalized and it's ongoing. 00:08:13.310 --> 00:08:16.769 And so just as the Lord forgave you, so also 00:08:16.769 --> 00:08:19.329 should you. And then it goes on to say, let the 00:08:19.329 --> 00:08:22.029 peace of Christ rule in your hearts. And that 00:08:22.029 --> 00:08:27.269 word rule, it's the idea of a century walking 00:08:27.269 --> 00:08:31.310 back and forth. And literally the idea is in. 00:08:31.839 --> 00:08:34.980 In the midst of a conflict, instead of your right 00:08:34.980 --> 00:08:38.000 or their right, it's a picture of let God be 00:08:38.000 --> 00:08:42.399 the umpire. What does he think? What's his estimation? 00:08:43.899 --> 00:08:46.299 We'll learn in just a minute that every conflict 00:08:46.299 --> 00:08:49.919 in marriage, there's never a winner and a loser. 00:08:50.279 --> 00:08:54.000 There's either two winners and two losers. Oh, 00:08:54.059 --> 00:08:57.100 you might win the argument. You might make them 00:08:57.100 --> 00:08:59.799 feel bad. You might even get your way. But if 00:08:59.799 --> 00:09:03.259 you win and they lose, Remember, you're one. 00:09:05.539 --> 00:09:11.340 So he says, let the peace of Christ rule. Why? 00:09:11.480 --> 00:09:13.799 You're called into one body. You're unity before 00:09:13.799 --> 00:09:17.320 God. He's talking about the whole church. But 00:09:17.320 --> 00:09:18.980 wow, if he's talking about the church, how much 00:09:18.980 --> 00:09:22.139 more a couple. And then this commandment to be 00:09:22.139 --> 00:09:26.340 thankful, to focus on what we have instead of 00:09:26.340 --> 00:09:30.110 what's lacking. Turn the page, if you will, and 00:09:30.110 --> 00:09:32.250 I want to give you this picture before I walk 00:09:32.250 --> 00:09:35.669 through a little acronym that's helped me. Jim 00:09:35.669 --> 00:09:39.750 Burns is a good friend, and he's a marriage and 00:09:39.750 --> 00:09:42.690 family therapist and speaker. And he says there's 00:09:42.690 --> 00:09:45.809 a negative dance and there's a positive dance. 00:09:46.870 --> 00:09:50.750 And it's very predictable. So you start at the 00:09:50.750 --> 00:09:52.789 top. There's tension, friction, problem, pain, 00:09:52.990 --> 00:09:57.419 misunderstanding. And you can fill it in. In 00:09:57.419 --> 00:09:58.799 fact, for some of you, you don't have to think 00:09:58.799 --> 00:10:01.620 too hard. You can just think of some of the real 00:10:01.620 --> 00:10:05.559 recent ones. The negative dance is defensive. 00:10:05.840 --> 00:10:09.299 Blaming, anger, control, attack. And the I language 00:10:09.299 --> 00:10:11.799 appears. I did this. You ought to do that. I 00:10:11.799 --> 00:10:16.259 did this. It's very defensive. Why did you do 00:10:16.259 --> 00:10:18.980 that? And it usually escalates in tones of voice, 00:10:19.100 --> 00:10:21.340 often in yelling. And then when it gets really 00:10:21.340 --> 00:10:26.539 bad, sometimes it gets physical. And then there's 00:10:26.539 --> 00:10:28.919 a disconnect, emotional withdrawal, avoidance, 00:10:28.919 --> 00:10:33.059 pouting, acting, feeling superior. And then after 00:10:33.059 --> 00:10:36.220 that, you get detached because it's not resolved. 00:10:37.039 --> 00:10:40.460 You feel bitter, resentment, contempt, loneliness, 00:10:40.860 --> 00:10:46.200 unresolved issues, fighting like a deadness in 00:10:46.200 --> 00:10:50.879 your soul. And the result, deeper tension and 00:10:50.879 --> 00:10:54.629 regret. It doesn't matter what the issues are. 00:10:54.669 --> 00:10:56.490 Most of the issues you fight about are symptoms, 00:10:56.570 --> 00:10:58.190 by the way. They're not even the real issue. 00:11:02.350 --> 00:11:05.529 When Teresa and I were having our worst times, 00:11:05.629 --> 00:11:12.389 we did that dance almost on a weekly basis. And 00:11:12.389 --> 00:11:14.649 so her way was to shut down and she wouldn't 00:11:14.649 --> 00:11:17.090 talk, wouldn't talk to me for two days. You know, 00:11:17.110 --> 00:11:19.769 we did the classic couples. You know, you go 00:11:19.769 --> 00:11:22.250 to bed and you're both in bed like this. And 00:11:22.250 --> 00:11:25.029 so, you know, she rolls that way and I roll this 00:11:25.029 --> 00:11:29.370 way. And I had this sort of mechanism that I 00:11:29.370 --> 00:11:31.429 thought would be very helpful but was very ineffective. 00:11:31.870 --> 00:11:36.490 Is I would sort of... And that meant I'm still 00:11:36.490 --> 00:11:42.490 awake so you can still apologize. And she would 00:11:42.490 --> 00:11:45.009 shut down. And then being, you know, I'm in seminary 00:11:45.009 --> 00:11:47.340 so I'm learning a lot of verses. And then I would 00:11:47.340 --> 00:11:49.139 lay there for a while. And then that verse, you 00:11:49.139 --> 00:11:51.820 know, resolve it by bedtime. So I would get up 00:11:51.820 --> 00:11:53.820 and I'd turn on a little light. And I would walk 00:11:53.820 --> 00:11:56.659 around the bed. And I would tell her, we've got 00:11:56.659 --> 00:11:58.019 to get this resolved. We've got this resolved, 00:11:58.139 --> 00:12:01.200 you know, and all this. And she would just ice 00:12:01.200 --> 00:12:05.259 me out. And then we'd get up the next morning. 00:12:05.299 --> 00:12:07.799 And by the way, you go to bed angry. Does something 00:12:07.799 --> 00:12:11.019 to your soul. Then I would feel not attracted 00:12:11.019 --> 00:12:15.899 to her. Felt distant. We would never get anything 00:12:15.899 --> 00:12:19.059 resolved. By two or three days, we would act 00:12:19.059 --> 00:12:22.259 like it didn't happen. We would just both go 00:12:22.259 --> 00:12:25.720 on. And what we were doing is we put thin layer 00:12:25.720 --> 00:12:29.220 upon thin layer upon thin layer of our hearts 00:12:29.220 --> 00:12:32.980 hardening. We were both very vulnerable to temptation 00:12:32.980 --> 00:12:38.539 of all kinds. You know, so our communication, 00:12:38.779 --> 00:12:43.639 our emotional connection, And our sex life was 00:12:43.639 --> 00:12:46.159 all going this direction. Now, when they go that 00:12:46.159 --> 00:12:48.700 direction, then what happens, right? Now you've 00:12:48.700 --> 00:12:52.139 created deeper in the same pattern and the resentment 00:12:52.139 --> 00:12:55.700 and the bitterness. And it can be over. Ours 00:12:55.700 --> 00:13:01.220 was why I was getting home late for dinner. And 00:13:01.220 --> 00:13:04.179 I thought it was ridiculous. And I was holding 00:13:04.179 --> 00:13:07.740 down a job full -time, going to school full -time. 00:13:07.879 --> 00:13:12.419 And we had kids. I'm a basketball junkie. I mean, 00:13:12.440 --> 00:13:14.840 if you've ever been in playgrounds, you can go 00:13:14.840 --> 00:13:17.600 to any inner city, and if you're especially in 00:13:17.600 --> 00:13:21.019 the inner city, it's like there's all black guys, 00:13:21.100 --> 00:13:22.820 and there's at least one skinny little white 00:13:22.820 --> 00:13:26.320 guy and a tall white guy. And that's why I kept 00:13:26.320 --> 00:13:29.220 my ball in the back, my shoes and everything, 00:13:29.500 --> 00:13:31.639 and I would drive by a playground, and I would 00:13:31.639 --> 00:13:33.659 just jump out. And I played very competitively 00:13:33.659 --> 00:13:35.139 and played against Olympic teams all throughout 00:13:35.139 --> 00:13:39.659 South America, and I was a gym rat. I played 00:13:39.659 --> 00:13:42.320 seven or eight hours a day and I was in basketball. 00:13:42.379 --> 00:13:44.639 After college practice, I'd go play pickup ball 00:13:44.639 --> 00:13:49.200 at night. I mean, I just loved it. And if you 00:13:49.200 --> 00:13:51.980 win a game, for some of you guys know this, you 00:13:51.980 --> 00:13:55.240 stay on. So I would get someplace with a bunch 00:13:55.240 --> 00:13:57.340 of guys. And of course they, you know, what are 00:13:57.340 --> 00:13:59.019 you skinny little white guy coming here? And 00:13:59.019 --> 00:14:02.360 then I'm on, I'm on, I'm on. And then the skinny 00:14:02.360 --> 00:14:04.279 little white guy would say, this is why, where 00:14:04.279 --> 00:14:06.259 he played in college. And this is why, dude. 00:14:08.570 --> 00:14:10.409 We'd win a game. Then we'd win another game. 00:14:10.490 --> 00:14:12.269 Then we'd win another game. Well, I couldn't 00:14:12.269 --> 00:14:16.269 leave. And so Teresa would have fixed it. And 00:14:16.269 --> 00:14:18.289 every time it happened, it was like it was a 00:14:18.289 --> 00:14:23.889 special meal. And I had no idea that she was 00:14:23.889 --> 00:14:26.110 expressing her love to me. And to me, it was 00:14:26.110 --> 00:14:29.429 all about when you get home. And so over time, 00:14:29.610 --> 00:14:32.169 I've learned a good defense. offense was better 00:14:32.169 --> 00:14:34.610 than a bad defense. And I would come in, I'd 00:14:34.610 --> 00:14:36.470 just pick on her. And the moment I got in, so 00:14:36.470 --> 00:14:38.330 I'd get mad at her before she'd get mad at me. 00:14:41.690 --> 00:14:44.809 And really, all the issues where she felt rejected, 00:14:44.950 --> 00:14:48.429 it triggered things in her life. I felt like, 00:14:48.450 --> 00:14:51.190 don't tell me what to do. I said 5 .30. What's 00:14:51.190 --> 00:14:54.730 the difference between 5 .30, quarter, six? Six. 00:14:55.149 --> 00:14:58.429 I mean, I'll eat it cold. I don't care. I didn't 00:14:58.429 --> 00:15:03.620 get it. That was one of many. But I just want 00:15:03.620 --> 00:15:05.340 you to get it doesn't have to start over something 00:15:05.340 --> 00:15:08.279 big. The positive dance is there's tension, friction, 00:15:08.480 --> 00:15:11.860 problem, pain, misunderstanding. And the response 00:15:11.860 --> 00:15:15.139 is we. We assume responsibility and we work together 00:15:15.139 --> 00:15:17.539 to resolve the issue. I'm going to give you some 00:15:17.539 --> 00:15:19.259 tools to do that. We didn't know how to do that. 00:15:20.279 --> 00:15:22.840 In other words, it's like, okay, how do you bring 00:15:22.840 --> 00:15:25.159 something up that gets the problem on the table 00:15:25.159 --> 00:15:27.519 without attacking the person? Because I was super 00:15:27.519 --> 00:15:32.610 defensive. And if I raise my voice a little bit, 00:15:32.649 --> 00:15:36.090 she just shrunk. By the way, in most conflict, 00:15:36.210 --> 00:15:40.230 you have sharks and turtles. Some by personality, 00:15:40.549 --> 00:15:44.509 some by gender. And so in a conflict, there's 00:15:44.509 --> 00:15:46.809 some of you that what you do is instinctively, 00:15:46.870 --> 00:15:48.450 because of your background, your personality, 00:15:48.769 --> 00:15:52.929 you just pull your head in. Amen? All you can 00:15:52.929 --> 00:15:55.929 get is a shell. And then there's those of us, 00:15:56.049 --> 00:16:00.509 you know, we just swarm the water. And you know 00:16:00.509 --> 00:16:02.730 what? We're going to win. And we're going to 00:16:02.730 --> 00:16:05.309 attack. And if we have verbal skills, we're going 00:16:05.309 --> 00:16:07.509 to reframe it. And you did this. By the time 00:16:07.509 --> 00:16:10.049 we're done, we were the problem. And you feel 00:16:10.049 --> 00:16:13.789 like it's all your fault. And then you realize 00:16:13.789 --> 00:16:17.970 it's not. And then you resent us. And we have 00:16:17.970 --> 00:16:20.529 manipulated. And we've been unkind. And we haven't 00:16:20.529 --> 00:16:23.049 been bearing with one another. And we haven't 00:16:23.049 --> 00:16:26.590 been forgiving. And we haven't been humble. We 00:16:26.590 --> 00:16:30.860 haven't been patient. But here, it's a we. Okay, 00:16:31.000 --> 00:16:34.320 we have an issue. We'll talk about getting that 00:16:34.320 --> 00:16:38.659 on the table. And then the we issue goes to resolution 00:16:38.659 --> 00:16:42.799 without a win or lose. Okay, yeah, this is a 00:16:42.799 --> 00:16:45.500 problem. How should we solve it? What are our 00:16:45.500 --> 00:16:49.100 options? Let's define the problem together. Let's 00:16:49.100 --> 00:16:51.240 calmly talk about it in a way that I'll show 00:16:51.240 --> 00:16:54.580 you. And what did we learn from this? What was 00:16:54.580 --> 00:16:58.549 really going on? And as a result, what happens 00:16:58.549 --> 00:17:03.250 is you learn about each other. What would God 00:17:03.250 --> 00:17:05.490 have us do in this situation? You see it this 00:17:05.490 --> 00:17:10.269 way, I see it that way. And we're at odds. What 00:17:10.269 --> 00:17:16.150 does the umpire, what's he say about this? Or 00:17:16.150 --> 00:17:18.970 do we need someone from the outside since we're 00:17:18.970 --> 00:17:22.529 at a deadlock? Because we want this to go better. 00:17:22.589 --> 00:17:25.450 Do we need someone on the outside to coach us 00:17:25.450 --> 00:17:28.410 and help us, mentor through this, who's objective? 00:17:28.549 --> 00:17:32.450 Because obviously, neither of us are. And if 00:17:32.450 --> 00:17:34.950 we could have solved it, we probably would have 00:17:34.950 --> 00:17:37.829 solved it by now. And when you do that, then 00:17:37.829 --> 00:17:40.009 the result is authentic oneness and a feeling 00:17:40.009 --> 00:17:42.450 of being loved. And conflict actually becomes 00:17:42.450 --> 00:17:46.109 something where... You grow closer. As iron sharpens 00:17:46.109 --> 00:17:48.769 iron, so one man sharpens another. Or one man 00:17:48.769 --> 00:17:52.069 and one woman sharpen another. And so as you 00:17:52.069 --> 00:17:55.690 turn to the next page, what I want to talk about 00:17:55.690 --> 00:18:00.890 is how to diffuse conflict in your marriage. 00:18:01.029 --> 00:18:05.190 And it's interesting, diffuse and diffuse sounds 00:18:05.190 --> 00:18:08.230 pretty much the same. See, what happens in marriage 00:18:08.230 --> 00:18:11.369 is it starts off, I mean, it can start off so 00:18:11.369 --> 00:18:14.700 small. But once your emotions get in it, then 00:18:14.700 --> 00:18:16.720 you start looking at the other person through 00:18:16.720 --> 00:18:19.759 this and you find other faults. And so what you 00:18:19.759 --> 00:18:22.680 want to do is marriages, great marriages, or 00:18:22.680 --> 00:18:24.400 at least good marriages and people with a good 00:18:24.400 --> 00:18:29.200 relationship, you can so focus on a 5 % problem. 00:18:29.869 --> 00:18:33.049 And forget the 95 % that's good, and little by 00:18:33.049 --> 00:18:35.789 little by little, the more you focus on the problem, 00:18:35.930 --> 00:18:39.049 it grows and grows and grows, and then it colors 00:18:39.049 --> 00:18:41.529 and takes away. I mean, because of the way we 00:18:41.529 --> 00:18:44.630 did it, our conversation was terrible. Because 00:18:44.630 --> 00:18:46.950 of the way we handled it, emotionally we weren't 00:18:46.950 --> 00:18:49.069 connected. Because of the way we handled it, 00:18:49.109 --> 00:18:52.950 she didn't want to have sex with me, and I still 00:18:52.950 --> 00:18:57.930 wanted to have sex with her. And she used it 00:18:57.930 --> 00:19:03.980 like a club. And she'd withdraw. And then I was 00:19:03.980 --> 00:19:06.940 passive aggressive. And I would know that, you 00:19:06.940 --> 00:19:11.819 know, the trash is full. Tell you what, I would 00:19:11.819 --> 00:19:17.119 just, shucks, I didn't see it. She likes to be 00:19:17.119 --> 00:19:21.240 on time, knowingly and unknowingly. When we were 00:19:21.240 --> 00:19:23.819 fighting, I just made sure we were just a little 00:19:23.819 --> 00:19:27.140 bit late. See, when you're passive aggressive, 00:19:27.160 --> 00:19:30.930 you take, The way to pay back on a different 00:19:30.930 --> 00:19:35.829 field that's safer. Sarcasm. Late. You push their 00:19:35.829 --> 00:19:38.569 buttons. And then if you push them and they respond, 00:19:38.730 --> 00:19:42.250 oh, I was just kidding. We play lots of games. 00:19:42.849 --> 00:19:45.009 And you know what it does? It destroys your soul 00:19:45.009 --> 00:19:48.109 and it destroys your relationship. So how do 00:19:48.109 --> 00:19:52.289 you take a problem and diffuse it, spread it 00:19:52.289 --> 00:19:55.700 out? So you get God's perspective and you deal 00:19:55.700 --> 00:19:58.420 with it. Well, here's the acronym. The D is for 00:19:58.420 --> 00:20:04.440 define the problem on your own. Define the problem 00:20:04.440 --> 00:20:11.259 on your own. Proverbs 15, four says, the discerning 00:20:11.259 --> 00:20:13.700 heart seeks knowledge, but the mouth of a fool 00:20:13.700 --> 00:20:18.519 feeds on folly. When you have a disagreement, 00:20:18.640 --> 00:20:21.900 don't start by solving it with the person. Get 00:20:21.900 --> 00:20:25.859 by yourself and ask, what's bothering me? How 00:20:25.859 --> 00:20:31.500 do I feel? When did this all begin? Journaling 00:20:31.500 --> 00:20:33.980 may not be for everyone. I journal. A lot of 00:20:33.980 --> 00:20:36.619 times, I just know I have feelings and I don't 00:20:36.619 --> 00:20:39.019 like them, and I'll just write myself clear. 00:20:39.720 --> 00:20:41.960 This happened yesterday, and it was just a look, 00:20:41.980 --> 00:20:44.680 and she said this, and we were going about that, 00:20:44.799 --> 00:20:47.500 and we were driving in the car, and just out 00:20:47.500 --> 00:20:50.740 of the blue, go here, park here, do that. You 00:20:50.740 --> 00:20:52.380 know, I didn't say anything, but just something 00:20:52.380 --> 00:20:57.200 inside me was like, shut up. I know how to drive 00:20:57.200 --> 00:21:01.259 the car. We've been married 42 years. Hey, I 00:21:01.259 --> 00:21:04.599 don't need a guide to tell me which spot. And 00:21:04.599 --> 00:21:08.160 why that bothered me is, well, probably. So rather 00:21:08.160 --> 00:21:10.960 than there, I write that out and I figure out 00:21:10.960 --> 00:21:15.039 what's going on. Why? Why is this making me so 00:21:15.039 --> 00:21:18.319 angry? And then pray and ask God for insight. 00:21:21.980 --> 00:21:26.059 Proverbs 21 .2 says, all a man's ways seem right 00:21:26.059 --> 00:21:29.799 to him, but the Lord weighs the heart. If you 00:21:29.799 --> 00:21:33.440 didn't do anything other than D of diffuse, man, 00:21:33.519 --> 00:21:36.259 you'd have so many less arguments. If you just 00:21:36.259 --> 00:21:40.160 define, what we do is we react. If you have a 00:21:40.160 --> 00:21:43.099 tension, a pain, a problem, a situation, if you 00:21:43.099 --> 00:21:47.680 can just go, stop, I'm going to define what's 00:21:47.680 --> 00:21:53.099 going on here. The I is for initiate a time to 00:21:53.099 --> 00:21:57.759 talk. Matthew 5, 23 and 24 says, therefore, if 00:21:57.759 --> 00:22:00.000 you're offering your gift at the altar and there 00:22:00.000 --> 00:22:02.900 remember your brother or mate has something against 00:22:02.900 --> 00:22:06.380 you, leave your gift there at the altar. First 00:22:06.380 --> 00:22:09.240 go and be reconciled to your brother or your 00:22:09.240 --> 00:22:13.380 mate and then come and offer your offering. And 00:22:13.380 --> 00:22:18.519 when I say initiate a time to talk, jot these 00:22:18.519 --> 00:22:23.440 down. Right time, right place. Trying to solve 00:22:23.440 --> 00:22:29.000 a complex problem at the wrong time and the wrong 00:22:29.000 --> 00:22:33.880 place will not go well. It's a time that's good 00:22:33.880 --> 00:22:39.799 for both of you. Don't be pushy, but don't procrastinate. 00:22:40.579 --> 00:22:43.579 No, we really need to meet. Well, I'm exhausted 00:22:43.579 --> 00:22:45.420 now and I've got to pick up the kids and I've 00:22:45.420 --> 00:22:46.920 got to do this and I've got to do that. Yeah, 00:22:46.940 --> 00:22:50.380 and I've got a big meeting. Okay, then. Friday 00:22:50.380 --> 00:22:55.019 morning, okay? There's some things that are on 00:22:55.019 --> 00:22:58.319 my heart I just want to discuss. So you've defined 00:22:58.319 --> 00:23:00.559 it. You're clear. You've talked with the Lord. 00:23:02.079 --> 00:23:06.119 You initiate a time to talk. The F is focus on 00:23:06.119 --> 00:23:12.039 the perceived problem, not the person. Proverbs 00:23:12.039 --> 00:23:15.440 18, 19 says, an offended brother is more unyielding 00:23:15.440 --> 00:23:18.390 than a fortified city. and disputes are like 00:23:18.390 --> 00:23:26.390 the barred gates of a citadel. One of the huge 00:23:26.390 --> 00:23:30.009 issues in our marriage was we, neither of us, 00:23:30.029 --> 00:23:34.390 her family didn't have any conflict because it 00:23:34.390 --> 00:23:38.569 was illegal. And my folks, they would have conflict, 00:23:38.650 --> 00:23:43.089 but they came from the school, let's not do it 00:23:43.089 --> 00:23:46.049 in front of the kids. So we never saw how conflict 00:23:46.049 --> 00:23:50.710 got resolved. And my dad blew up and my mom stuffed. 00:23:52.450 --> 00:23:55.589 And you do understand that left to yourself, 00:23:55.670 --> 00:23:59.269 you pretty much do what, not what people told 00:23:59.269 --> 00:24:02.349 you, but what was modeled. And so you got to, 00:24:02.349 --> 00:24:05.089 when I said some of you, you got to break out 00:24:05.089 --> 00:24:08.440 of old patterns and develop new ones. And so, 00:24:08.440 --> 00:24:10.480 jot this down. This is going to be important. 00:24:10.720 --> 00:24:13.900 The way you bring up a problem without attacking 00:24:13.900 --> 00:24:17.960 the person is called a I feel message. This was 00:24:17.960 --> 00:24:21.039 on our refrigerator for two years. An I feel 00:24:21.039 --> 00:24:25.759 message. Let me tell you, and I'll just make 00:24:25.759 --> 00:24:27.380 it, because I want you to know that it doesn't 00:24:27.380 --> 00:24:29.839 have to be over a big thing. It's usually big 00:24:29.839 --> 00:24:34.599 stuff under the surface. So, I'm late. Why are 00:24:34.599 --> 00:24:37.039 you late again? Don't you even care? You should 00:24:37.039 --> 00:24:39.539 come home on time. I fixed all this food and 00:24:39.539 --> 00:24:41.420 you don't even care. You don't even give a rat. 00:24:41.480 --> 00:24:43.720 Who are you to tell me what to do all the time? 00:24:43.880 --> 00:24:45.859 My lands, I'm working full time. I'm going to 00:24:45.859 --> 00:24:47.880 school full time. I'm supporting the kids. I'm 00:24:47.880 --> 00:24:50.299 up late. I'm up early. I'm studying Greek. Man, 00:24:50.380 --> 00:24:54.819 I got to have some fun too. Well, silence, bedroom. 00:24:55.460 --> 00:25:01.420 Here we go. Three day journey. All over dinner, 00:25:01.559 --> 00:25:06.329 except it wasn't. What I would learn later is 00:25:06.329 --> 00:25:09.170 I spent all day doing something to say I love 00:25:09.170 --> 00:25:11.950 you and I fixed it. You didn't show up and you 00:25:11.950 --> 00:25:15.750 didn't even call. And what I heard was there's 00:25:15.750 --> 00:25:17.910 no room for me to have a life of my own. I'm 00:25:17.910 --> 00:25:20.529 busting it like crazy. I'm already insecure about 00:25:20.529 --> 00:25:23.349 figuring out how to be a dad to two kids that 00:25:23.349 --> 00:25:29.869 I adopted a year ago. And when you start with 00:25:29.869 --> 00:25:32.150 that, you should, you ought, man, those are, 00:25:32.150 --> 00:25:34.210 for a man, those are fighting words. You ought, 00:25:34.329 --> 00:25:36.210 you should, you always, you never. That's how 00:25:36.210 --> 00:25:39.170 mothers talk to sons. Let me tell you, those 00:25:39.170 --> 00:25:42.130 are fighting words, both directions. Adults don't 00:25:42.130 --> 00:25:45.849 talk to adults like that. That's authority to 00:25:45.849 --> 00:25:50.069 inferiors. Well, then if that's true, then how 00:25:50.069 --> 00:25:54.190 do you get it on the table without saying you 00:25:54.190 --> 00:25:56.839 ought, you should, raising your voice? It's an 00:25:56.839 --> 00:25:59.539 I feel message. So here's the picture. These 00:25:59.539 --> 00:26:02.420 are the stories you're about to hear. The names 00:26:02.420 --> 00:26:04.519 have not been changed to protect not the innocent, 00:26:04.700 --> 00:26:08.079 okay? So this was, you know, we're in counseling 00:26:08.079 --> 00:26:10.180 and we're working through all this. And so, you 00:26:10.180 --> 00:26:12.779 know, it's another time and I'm feeling bad and 00:26:12.779 --> 00:26:14.759 I'm feeling guilty and I'm not going to attack 00:26:14.759 --> 00:26:17.640 her. But I walk in and it was such a great game. 00:26:17.759 --> 00:26:19.500 I mean, we just kept winning. It was so wonderful. 00:26:20.659 --> 00:26:22.859 And there's a brotherhood. There's something 00:26:22.859 --> 00:26:25.839 about hanging with guys you haven't met and doing 00:26:25.839 --> 00:26:28.940 it that I just loved. And so I walk in and the 00:26:28.940 --> 00:26:32.599 kids aren't around and the table's set and there's 00:26:32.599 --> 00:26:36.759 candles lit. And I'm going, oh gosh, why does 00:26:36.759 --> 00:26:40.059 she always do this when I play basketball? And 00:26:40.059 --> 00:26:42.339 she's thinking, why does she always play basketball 00:26:42.339 --> 00:26:45.940 when I do this? And so I came in and she goes, 00:26:46.160 --> 00:26:51.230 she was like calm in her right mind. No, no, 00:26:51.289 --> 00:26:54.529 I'm, you know, no fire in her eyes. Hey, it's 00:26:54.529 --> 00:26:56.390 like, hey, something's wrong here, you know? 00:26:57.190 --> 00:26:58.990 Like you're on patrol and you know, I don't know 00:26:58.990 --> 00:27:00.309 what's wrong, but I can feel it. Something's 00:27:00.309 --> 00:27:04.509 wrong. And she goes, are you still hungry? I 00:27:04.509 --> 00:27:06.450 said, yeah, well, it's in the oven. I'll get 00:27:06.450 --> 00:27:10.890 it for you. No, sit down. Candles are still lit. 00:27:12.049 --> 00:27:14.890 So she gets it out of the oven and puts it on 00:27:14.890 --> 00:27:19.490 the table and then she sits down. She doesn't 00:27:19.490 --> 00:27:25.160 look mad. Is this reverse psychology? What's 00:27:25.160 --> 00:27:27.400 coming on here? This is really starting to scare 00:27:27.400 --> 00:27:30.980 me. So I eat, and she lets me eat. And do you 00:27:30.980 --> 00:27:33.920 like it? Yeah. And I'm thinking, I think I'm 00:27:33.920 --> 00:27:39.240 just going to get by with this. So right time. 00:27:40.180 --> 00:27:42.880 She processed personally what the real issue 00:27:42.880 --> 00:27:48.640 was. Right time, right way, candles. And then 00:27:48.640 --> 00:27:51.220 she looks at me, leans over, eyeball to eyeball. 00:27:52.140 --> 00:27:55.980 She said, Chip, can I tell you something? I said, 00:27:56.079 --> 00:28:01.980 sure. She said, I spent half of the day preparing 00:28:01.980 --> 00:28:09.519 this meal for you because I love you. I feel 00:28:09.519 --> 00:28:14.819 hurt when you don't call and you don't get to 00:28:14.819 --> 00:28:18.339 enjoy this meal that I made to express my love 00:28:18.339 --> 00:28:24.019 for you. I feel hurt. See, you can't argue with 00:28:24.019 --> 00:28:28.240 someone's feelings. And because she did it in 00:28:28.240 --> 00:28:30.859 that way, a gentle answer turns away wrath, Proverbs 00:28:30.859 --> 00:28:40.140 15. And I mean, it was like, God used a, I mean, 00:28:41.339 --> 00:28:44.380 I just, get up and fight like a real man. That 00:28:44.380 --> 00:28:49.500 was unfair. And for the first time, I made the 00:28:49.500 --> 00:28:53.500 connection between my lateness and her heart 00:28:53.500 --> 00:28:59.000 and what she was experiencing. And she didn't 00:28:59.000 --> 00:29:03.619 nag. She didn't attack. She gave an I feel message. 00:29:04.519 --> 00:29:08.619 And I can remember, oh, dozens of times later, 00:29:08.819 --> 00:29:12.099 guys, bros, man, it's been great, super. Man, 00:29:12.119 --> 00:29:14.160 I got a hot date with my wife. I got to run. 00:29:14.299 --> 00:29:17.180 You want to take my place? And I bet I wasn't 00:29:17.180 --> 00:29:19.460 late three or four times in the next five years. 00:29:20.839 --> 00:29:25.380 Because now it's not about being late. I don't 00:29:25.380 --> 00:29:29.019 want to wound my wife. You do understand that 00:29:29.019 --> 00:29:31.539 your whole life changes too with the Lord when 00:29:31.539 --> 00:29:34.779 you realize that sin is never a behavioral issue. 00:29:35.839 --> 00:29:38.819 It's not I should stop watching porn or I should 00:29:38.819 --> 00:29:41.160 stop cussing or I've got to break this addiction 00:29:41.160 --> 00:29:45.900 or I need to stop losing my temper. Those are 00:29:45.900 --> 00:29:50.880 behaviors. You'll never change until you realize, 00:29:51.240 --> 00:29:56.000 you know, Ephesians says, don't grieve the Holy 00:29:56.000 --> 00:29:58.839 Spirit. It talks about all those abusive words 00:29:58.839 --> 00:30:01.240 and language and malice and slander and all those 00:30:01.240 --> 00:30:05.640 negative things. It breaks God's heart. When 00:30:05.640 --> 00:30:09.500 you could realize that when you sin and when 00:30:09.500 --> 00:30:13.460 I sin, what really happens... Jesus already took 00:30:13.460 --> 00:30:17.339 my punishment. It doesn't make God mad when you 00:30:17.339 --> 00:30:24.460 sin. It makes him sad. See, he wants to be closer 00:30:24.460 --> 00:30:27.700 to you than you want to be closer to him. And 00:30:27.700 --> 00:30:30.059 when you begin to realize, should I do this or 00:30:30.059 --> 00:30:32.500 not do this? When I knew it was going to break 00:30:32.500 --> 00:30:35.220 my wife's heart, my heart changed. I mean, I 00:30:35.220 --> 00:30:36.900 may be a jerk, but I'm not going to treat her 00:30:36.900 --> 00:30:40.359 like that. But if she wants to fight about, you 00:30:40.359 --> 00:30:42.759 know, time you eat supper, And if she wants to 00:30:42.759 --> 00:30:46.119 control my life, right, all those things I say, 00:30:46.279 --> 00:30:51.720 how did she do it? Can you imagine? I feel frustrated 00:30:51.720 --> 00:30:55.680 when you raise your voice. I feel hurt when you 00:30:55.680 --> 00:30:59.599 bring that up in front of the children. I feel 00:30:59.599 --> 00:31:03.599 wounded when after we've talked about that and 00:31:03.599 --> 00:31:06.319 you said you forgave me, in a moment of heat, 00:31:06.380 --> 00:31:08.920 you bring that up about my failure in the past. 00:31:12.200 --> 00:31:16.279 I feel. We had it on the refrigerator and we 00:31:16.279 --> 00:31:19.339 learned. We learned when there was a problem, 00:31:19.480 --> 00:31:24.119 get alone. Define what the problem is. Process 00:31:24.119 --> 00:31:27.660 the whole thing first and before the Lord. Initiate 00:31:27.660 --> 00:31:30.539 the right time and right place to talk and then 00:31:30.539 --> 00:31:34.759 focus on the perceived problem. By the way, I 00:31:34.759 --> 00:31:38.539 have a little note. Eliminate you should, you 00:31:38.539 --> 00:31:44.740 ought, you always, you never. And it's always 00:31:44.740 --> 00:31:47.539 a win -win or a lose -lose. The second F is for 00:31:47.539 --> 00:31:54.160 feel their pain as though it were your own. Proverbs 00:31:54.160 --> 00:31:58.180 17, 17 says, a friend loves at all times and 00:31:58.180 --> 00:32:04.859 a brother or a spouse or a mate was born for 00:32:04.859 --> 00:32:11.029 adversity. No matter how angry you are, no matter 00:32:11.029 --> 00:32:14.710 how hurt, one of the axioms of relationships 00:32:14.710 --> 00:32:18.690 you have to understand is everyone acts in a 00:32:18.690 --> 00:32:22.230 way that makes sense to them. I mean, the things 00:32:22.230 --> 00:32:26.430 that make you nuts about your mate, they, by 00:32:26.430 --> 00:32:29.730 and large, it makes sense to them. The way their 00:32:29.730 --> 00:32:31.630 mind, the way they're thinking in the moment, 00:32:31.710 --> 00:32:35.710 it made sense to them. Unless they're just absolutely 00:32:35.710 --> 00:32:38.890 evil, They weren't trying to think, hey, how 00:32:38.890 --> 00:32:43.029 can I just totally screw up our marriage? But 00:32:43.029 --> 00:32:44.869 they just find themselves in the same thing. 00:32:45.670 --> 00:32:49.769 And as difficult as it is, feel their pain as 00:32:49.769 --> 00:32:54.890 though it were your own. You don't have to understand 00:32:54.890 --> 00:32:59.109 it. It doesn't have to be logical. That was a 00:32:59.109 --> 00:33:03.549 big one for me. And my wife's very intelligent. 00:33:03.569 --> 00:33:06.710 Don't get me wrong. But when you're wounded and 00:33:06.710 --> 00:33:08.569 when you're hurt or when things are happening 00:33:08.569 --> 00:33:10.450 or when you've been through things and we all 00:33:10.450 --> 00:33:15.470 have and you all have, sometimes two plus two 00:33:15.470 --> 00:33:18.950 eeks will seven. And in your brain somehow that 00:33:18.950 --> 00:33:21.410 makes sense. And if you're on the receiving end 00:33:21.410 --> 00:33:27.970 of that, and what I came to is I need to feel 00:33:27.970 --> 00:33:31.230 what she feels. I need to understand. It doesn't 00:33:31.230 --> 00:33:33.470 have to make sense. It doesn't have to be logical. 00:33:34.859 --> 00:33:39.559 But I want to identify and I want to emphasize 00:33:39.559 --> 00:33:46.519 with what she is actually feeling. One of the 00:33:46.519 --> 00:33:49.599 other little tools, if you think I have a lot 00:33:49.599 --> 00:33:53.599 of tools, we had a lot of work to do. And one 00:33:53.599 --> 00:33:56.359 of the other ones was we had a hard time connecting 00:33:56.359 --> 00:34:03.829 our worlds. And so one of the... if you will, 00:34:03.970 --> 00:34:08.349 is using a word picture or a metaphor. Sometimes, 00:34:08.630 --> 00:34:11.590 remember when Nathan, I don't know how much you 00:34:11.590 --> 00:34:13.110 all know the Bible. I didn't grow up reading 00:34:13.110 --> 00:34:16.170 the Bible, but David was this really great king 00:34:16.170 --> 00:34:18.889 and he commits adultery with this guy's wife. 00:34:19.190 --> 00:34:22.530 And then she gets pregnant and the story is pretty 00:34:22.530 --> 00:34:25.909 quick. So he wants to cover it up. So he has 00:34:25.909 --> 00:34:29.380 her husband come back off the battlefield. Gets 00:34:29.380 --> 00:34:32.059 him drunk and sends him home to sleep with his 00:34:32.059 --> 00:34:33.639 wife. So when the baby comes, he thinks it's 00:34:33.639 --> 00:34:36.519 his. And he's so honorable. He says, man, I'm 00:34:36.519 --> 00:34:38.780 not sleeping with my wife with all the other 00:34:38.780 --> 00:34:41.179 men are out in the battlefield. He tries to, 00:34:41.179 --> 00:34:42.599 you know, get it going two or three different 00:34:42.599 --> 00:34:45.039 days. It doesn't work. And so he sends him back 00:34:45.039 --> 00:34:46.639 with a note, put the guy on the front lines, 00:34:46.659 --> 00:34:49.280 make sure he gets killed. Not exactly a godly 00:34:49.280 --> 00:34:57.530 king moment. So it's about a year. And the. not 00:34:57.530 --> 00:35:01.010 quite a year, the prophet Nathan comes. And that's 00:35:01.010 --> 00:35:04.650 a culture where you confront the king, like death 00:35:04.650 --> 00:35:08.349 is a very high probability. And so sometimes 00:35:08.349 --> 00:35:11.650 the way to help someone understand something 00:35:11.650 --> 00:35:13.369 where you know they're going to be defensive 00:35:13.369 --> 00:35:19.150 is by a story or a metaphor. And so Nathan comes 00:35:19.150 --> 00:35:22.650 and he goes, oh. King, I have to tell you this 00:35:22.650 --> 00:35:25.369 great story. It's so sad. Well, what is it? And 00:35:25.369 --> 00:35:27.230 he goes, it's happening in your kingdom of all 00:35:27.230 --> 00:35:28.989 places. Well, what is it? He goes, there's a 00:35:28.989 --> 00:35:31.250 man and he has hundreds and hundreds of sheep 00:35:31.250 --> 00:35:34.110 and he's very wealthy and a visitor came and 00:35:34.110 --> 00:35:37.190 hospitality was sort of a given. You had to feed 00:35:37.190 --> 00:35:39.409 someone if they stopped in. And he said, this 00:35:39.409 --> 00:35:41.269 man, instead of his sheep, there was one man. 00:35:41.309 --> 00:35:44.150 He had one tiny little lamb. And it was not just 00:35:44.150 --> 00:35:45.829 a little lamb, but it slept with him. And it 00:35:45.829 --> 00:35:47.489 was like his pet. And it was his friend. And 00:35:47.489 --> 00:35:49.510 this rich man who had hundreds and hundreds of 00:35:49.510 --> 00:35:51.989 sheep, he took that man's lamb and he butchered 00:35:51.989 --> 00:35:56.389 it for his guests. And David was livid. This 00:35:56.389 --> 00:36:00.010 man shall pay for it. And then Nathan says, behold, 00:36:00.429 --> 00:36:04.949 you're the man. And see, what he helped him see 00:36:04.949 --> 00:36:09.280 was, The same thing in a different place. And 00:36:09.280 --> 00:36:10.920 so I won't go into the whole story, but it was 00:36:10.920 --> 00:36:14.519 another area where my work was consuming me and 00:36:14.519 --> 00:36:17.460 I was neglecting things in our home. And I can 00:36:17.460 --> 00:36:19.000 still remember sitting in front of the fireplace 00:36:19.000 --> 00:36:23.559 and my wife told me this story. And she goes, 00:36:23.599 --> 00:36:25.880 I want to talk about something, but you'll get 00:36:25.880 --> 00:36:27.820 defensive. No, no, I won't. No, you will. You'll 00:36:27.820 --> 00:36:30.639 get really defensive. I'm not supposed to say 00:36:30.639 --> 00:36:33.480 always, but you often do, okay? No, I promise 00:36:33.480 --> 00:36:35.440 I won't be defensive right now. So she's really 00:36:35.440 --> 00:36:40.360 setting me up. And then she asked me these questions 00:36:40.360 --> 00:36:42.559 like, you know, Chip, when we were driving by 00:36:42.559 --> 00:36:45.500 the church, I just noticed you commented on the 00:36:45.500 --> 00:36:47.519 grass and you commented, wow, that needs painted 00:36:47.519 --> 00:36:50.420 over there and the remodeling in the back. And 00:36:50.420 --> 00:36:52.480 you just seem to notice everything. She goes, 00:36:52.559 --> 00:36:55.559 boy, it's really amazing to me. I just think 00:36:55.559 --> 00:37:01.440 you're such a good boss. I think you're right. 00:37:01.599 --> 00:37:08.340 You know, down to the detail. And then she said, 00:37:08.380 --> 00:37:11.960 Chip, did you know that our dishwasher, when 00:37:11.960 --> 00:37:14.260 I run it, I put a towel under it because it's 00:37:14.260 --> 00:37:19.179 been broken for months. And so it leaks. And 00:37:19.179 --> 00:37:21.980 that in the boys' window and in Annie's window, 00:37:22.059 --> 00:37:24.880 when it rains, the water comes in because we 00:37:24.880 --> 00:37:28.090 have a leak. So I put towels there. And I don't 00:37:28.090 --> 00:37:29.329 know if you've noticed, but when you walk by 00:37:29.329 --> 00:37:31.110 our couch, if you've ever scratched your leg, 00:37:31.170 --> 00:37:36.090 there's a spring that's sticking out. And, you 00:37:36.090 --> 00:37:39.010 know, I don't think you've really noticed, but, 00:37:39.070 --> 00:37:42.650 you know, we did have a dog for a while and the 00:37:42.650 --> 00:37:45.130 other things, and there's, like, the carpet is 00:37:45.130 --> 00:37:52.969 soiled everywhere. And I was just, I feel like 00:37:52.969 --> 00:37:57.639 that You see what really needs to be taken care 00:37:57.639 --> 00:38:02.699 of at work, but you don't see what needs to be 00:38:02.699 --> 00:38:05.780 taken care of here. And I know it's not true, 00:38:05.920 --> 00:38:11.340 but it feels like your work matters more than 00:38:11.340 --> 00:38:14.860 our home. And you're in charge of your work, 00:38:15.039 --> 00:38:19.800 and I'm in charge of our home. And I know this 00:38:19.800 --> 00:38:23.360 isn't true, but it makes me feel like you don't 00:38:23.360 --> 00:38:30.000 care about me then. Man, if she keeps doing this, 00:38:30.119 --> 00:38:33.219 I'm going to just, you know. Two days later, 00:38:33.340 --> 00:38:36.019 I mean, I got a buddy. I got a friend. It was 00:38:36.019 --> 00:38:38.480 like, okay, you ready? Man, we cleaned all the 00:38:38.480 --> 00:38:41.079 carpets. I called another buddy. I said, man, 00:38:41.139 --> 00:38:43.019 I don't think I really have the money. But, you 00:38:43.019 --> 00:38:45.599 know, we're replacing the windows. We got the 00:38:45.599 --> 00:38:47.960 windows done. Because what happened was it was 00:38:47.960 --> 00:38:53.239 like, oh, she's right. Now, by the way, I'm sharing 00:38:53.239 --> 00:38:56.400 kind of more of her side of it. And I've had. 00:38:57.710 --> 00:39:01.510 a few of my I feel messages, and I'll share a 00:39:01.510 --> 00:39:04.809 couple of those. But are you starting to see 00:39:04.809 --> 00:39:10.530 the power? But you're starting to see that this 00:39:10.530 --> 00:39:12.150 is what it looks like to bear with one another. 00:39:13.050 --> 00:39:15.289 This is what it looks like to forgive anyone 00:39:15.289 --> 00:39:18.809 who has a complaint against you. This is what 00:39:18.809 --> 00:39:21.329 it looks like to treat your mate the way Jesus 00:39:21.329 --> 00:39:24.929 treats you. I mean, when you sin, you don't get 00:39:24.929 --> 00:39:28.880 hit by lightning, do you? Holy Spirit, very sensitive, 00:39:29.000 --> 00:39:34.380 very clear, very specific. The U is uncover the 00:39:34.380 --> 00:39:39.059 root problem. Proverbs 20, verse five says, the 00:39:39.059 --> 00:39:41.260 purposes in a man's heart are like deep waters, 00:39:41.340 --> 00:39:45.039 but a man of understanding draws them out. There's 00:39:45.039 --> 00:39:50.880 deep issues. The root problems, if they aren't 00:39:50.880 --> 00:39:54.159 dealt with, will just surface. Again and again 00:39:54.159 --> 00:39:57.599 and again. And I put a little chart here, and 00:39:57.599 --> 00:40:02.059 this is much more for another day. But in general, 00:40:02.099 --> 00:40:05.019 if the symptom is money, you're arguing about 00:40:05.019 --> 00:40:07.820 money, usually the root problem has to do with 00:40:07.820 --> 00:40:10.320 values, priorities, power, and control issues. 00:40:11.440 --> 00:40:13.860 So you can argue about money until Jesus comes. 00:40:14.760 --> 00:40:17.039 But the issue is you don't share the same values. 00:40:17.920 --> 00:40:20.440 Or there's someone that's got some control issues. 00:40:22.049 --> 00:40:25.750 Or, you know, your priorities are really different. 00:40:25.949 --> 00:40:29.889 You know, one of you thinks, wow, I mean, don't 00:40:29.889 --> 00:40:31.809 the kids need new shoes? And don't we need to 00:40:31.809 --> 00:40:33.469 do this? And don't we need to do that? And someone 00:40:33.469 --> 00:40:37.349 else thinks, gosh, shouldn't we go to more movies? 00:40:39.250 --> 00:40:43.829 Yeah, I don't know. One says, you know, we need 00:40:43.829 --> 00:40:45.949 to watch every penny and keep track of it. And 00:40:45.949 --> 00:40:47.869 now they're just sort of, in most marriages, 00:40:47.949 --> 00:40:50.289 there's a spender and a saver. Why we marry each 00:40:50.289 --> 00:40:56.199 other, I don't know why. If there's sex problems, 00:40:56.460 --> 00:41:02.480 it's usually a communication issue, an unmet 00:41:02.480 --> 00:41:11.079 emotional need, a past history, baggage. A lot 00:41:11.079 --> 00:41:15.119 of times, as we work through those issues with 00:41:15.119 --> 00:41:19.199 my wife, it was like, man, I just don't get it, 00:41:19.219 --> 00:41:21.739 but I... I failed to understand what it's like 00:41:21.739 --> 00:41:24.260 to be rejected by your father and then be rejected 00:41:24.260 --> 00:41:27.460 by another man. And her loved me very, very much 00:41:27.460 --> 00:41:31.340 and have struggles in areas in the early years 00:41:31.340 --> 00:41:34.880 sexually because all men were painted with this 00:41:34.880 --> 00:41:38.780 bad brush. And it was just like, you talk about 00:41:38.780 --> 00:41:42.059 rejection. So those were my feel, I feel messages. 00:41:42.940 --> 00:41:49.320 Honey, I feel like you don't love me. When I 00:41:49.320 --> 00:41:53.900 want to be with you and you're not very responsive. 00:41:56.199 --> 00:41:59.860 I just feel rejected. And you say, it's not me. 00:41:59.960 --> 00:42:02.719 It's not about me. Well, I'm the only other person 00:42:02.719 --> 00:42:06.880 in the room, right? But okay, are you ready? 00:42:08.519 --> 00:42:11.099 I got news for you. There's couples that they 00:42:11.099 --> 00:42:13.980 get stuck there and that's the way it is. And 00:42:13.980 --> 00:42:16.239 she perfunctorily will have some sex because 00:42:16.239 --> 00:42:17.840 she doesn't like it. Or by the way, it goes the 00:42:17.840 --> 00:42:23.170 other way. It can happen just the opposite. I 00:42:23.170 --> 00:42:27.550 had a couple in our church, beautiful gal. And 00:42:27.550 --> 00:42:30.309 really, it was deep insecurity issues with him 00:42:30.309 --> 00:42:34.329 and all kind of issues. And he struggled and 00:42:34.329 --> 00:42:37.789 didn't have anything to do with her. But I'll 00:42:37.789 --> 00:42:39.909 tell you this, they were never going to get that 00:42:39.909 --> 00:42:44.030 solved by themselves. In -law issues usually 00:42:44.030 --> 00:42:48.050 have to do with loyalty, expectations. And children 00:42:48.050 --> 00:42:50.829 and work, usually it's roles and goals. Who owns 00:42:50.829 --> 00:42:52.750 what? What are our goals? How are we going to 00:42:52.750 --> 00:42:56.710 get there? But those are just generalizations. 00:42:56.929 --> 00:43:02.030 Those are deep wells. But the majority of couples, 00:43:02.210 --> 00:43:04.329 they're all on the left side. My prediction, 00:43:04.489 --> 00:43:08.909 if you get married by about 25 years, you'll 00:43:08.909 --> 00:43:12.269 have every one of those at some point. Every 00:43:12.269 --> 00:43:15.469 one of them. So why be embarrassed to get some 00:43:15.469 --> 00:43:17.909 help or go to a counselor because every single 00:43:17.909 --> 00:43:19.869 person. Now, the people who don't do anything 00:43:19.869 --> 00:43:22.489 about it, what they do is they do what we call 00:43:22.489 --> 00:43:25.090 the parallel life track, live in the same home, 00:43:25.289 --> 00:43:28.489 have these deep unresolved issues. Do the best 00:43:28.489 --> 00:43:31.349 you can. While the kids are young, stay involved 00:43:31.349 --> 00:43:34.429 in the kids, usually as a woman. Do some things 00:43:34.429 --> 00:43:37.449 at work. And then when the empty nest is, the 00:43:37.449 --> 00:43:40.150 two most common times of divorce are first five 00:43:40.150 --> 00:43:43.250 years and right about 20 or 22 when the nest 00:43:43.250 --> 00:43:45.929 is empty. Because what you realize, you don't 00:43:45.929 --> 00:43:47.570 have anything that pulls you together anymore. 00:43:48.590 --> 00:43:50.769 You didn't develop your relationship. You didn't 00:43:50.769 --> 00:43:55.289 deal with issues. And it's never too late. It's 00:43:55.289 --> 00:43:57.590 never too late. In fact, it can be very, very 00:43:57.590 --> 00:44:02.210 exciting. The S is for set things right between 00:44:02.210 --> 00:44:06.469 you. James 5 .16 says, Therefore, confess your 00:44:06.469 --> 00:44:09.110 sins to each other and pray for each other so 00:44:09.110 --> 00:44:10.949 that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous 00:44:10.949 --> 00:44:14.170 man or a righteous woman, I'll add, is powerful 00:44:14.170 --> 00:44:17.809 and effective. And this is where humility comes. 00:44:18.010 --> 00:44:20.449 I mean, it took us a long time, but it's just 00:44:20.449 --> 00:44:24.579 own your responsibility. I mean, yes, you feel 00:44:24.579 --> 00:44:26.619 defensive and there's this and there's that. 00:44:26.719 --> 00:44:30.920 But little by little, since you're chosen, since 00:44:30.920 --> 00:44:33.280 you're already holy and set apart, and since 00:44:33.280 --> 00:44:34.960 you're already dearly loved, you know what you 00:44:34.960 --> 00:44:40.500 can say? You're right. I'm wrong. I didn't see 00:44:40.500 --> 00:44:45.679 that. I did say that. I was way too loud. When 00:44:45.679 --> 00:44:49.679 we talked about it earlier, that's on me. I was 00:44:49.679 --> 00:44:53.809 defensive. You know what? You're right. I have 00:44:53.809 --> 00:44:58.150 rationalized. I have a drinking problem. All 00:44:58.150 --> 00:45:01.929 right? But I want you to know those nightmares 00:45:01.929 --> 00:45:04.409 don't go away, and I feel a little bit better 00:45:04.409 --> 00:45:06.170 when I drink, and I know it's not a good solution, 00:45:06.289 --> 00:45:11.150 but I don't know what to do. And you know what 00:45:11.150 --> 00:45:15.349 you'll hear is, let me help you. Let me help 00:45:15.349 --> 00:45:19.849 you. The most hurting people in the world that 00:45:19.849 --> 00:45:23.539 end up And the worst places in the world are 00:45:23.539 --> 00:45:28.960 people that will not let others help them. And 00:45:28.960 --> 00:45:33.539 at the heart of that is arrogance. Or shame. 00:45:35.619 --> 00:45:38.079 And there's no need for either with the Lord. 00:45:39.579 --> 00:45:42.199 You'll never do anything that will ever surprise 00:45:42.199 --> 00:45:46.659 Him. Every sin that you have ever committed will 00:45:46.659 --> 00:45:49.630 ever commit. The worst thought that you have 00:45:49.630 --> 00:45:53.929 ever had or will ever have, the omniscient, all 00:45:53.929 --> 00:45:57.570 -powerful God of the universe is already aware 00:45:57.570 --> 00:46:02.610 of it. And because of those, he said, I will 00:46:02.610 --> 00:46:05.489 go to the cross in your place to pay for your 00:46:05.489 --> 00:46:11.750 sin. And I will atone or cover for your sin. 00:46:12.909 --> 00:46:15.789 And if you will put your faith and trust in me, 00:46:15.949 --> 00:46:19.829 then I will pay for those once and for all. And 00:46:19.829 --> 00:46:23.710 you will die and you'll be risen with me. And 00:46:23.710 --> 00:46:26.590 my spirit will come inside of your physical body. 00:46:26.909 --> 00:46:29.530 And it'll be a journey and we'll live this life 00:46:29.530 --> 00:46:32.389 together. And it's not about rules. It's not 00:46:32.389 --> 00:46:34.530 about church. It's not about what others. It's 00:46:34.530 --> 00:46:39.349 us in relationship. I'm the vine. You're the 00:46:39.349 --> 00:46:42.519 branch. My father's the vine dresser. And we're 00:46:42.519 --> 00:46:44.440 going to get connected. So I left you my word. 00:46:44.880 --> 00:46:47.559 My spirit's going to dwell inside of you and 00:46:47.559 --> 00:46:51.880 guide you. And when you trip and fall, I'm not 00:46:51.880 --> 00:46:56.940 upset. In fact, every baby step you take toward 00:46:56.940 --> 00:46:59.679 righteousness, toward forgiveness, toward restoration, 00:47:00.059 --> 00:47:04.159 I'm right there cheering you on. That's the Christian 00:47:04.159 --> 00:47:10.260 life. So you own your responsibility. You confess. 00:47:11.329 --> 00:47:14.929 You ask for forgiveness, and I push this a bit, 00:47:14.969 --> 00:47:17.889 and look the person in the eye. Will you forgive 00:47:17.889 --> 00:47:22.849 me? And don't settle for, you know, yeah, it's 00:47:22.849 --> 00:47:25.130 okay. It wasn't that big a deal. No, no, no. 00:47:25.409 --> 00:47:29.150 That's not how we do this. Will you forgive me? 00:47:31.030 --> 00:47:34.650 And what you need is, yes, I will. I release 00:47:34.650 --> 00:47:38.400 you for what you did or what you said. And then 00:47:38.400 --> 00:47:42.719 if at all possible, pray together and out loud 00:47:42.719 --> 00:47:47.639 if possible. It's so healing. And then E is establish 00:47:47.639 --> 00:47:50.199 a specific action plan that addresses the issue 00:47:50.199 --> 00:47:54.480 discussed and write it down. I know this sounds 00:47:54.480 --> 00:47:56.800 perfunctory, but can I ask you a question? How 00:47:56.800 --> 00:48:03.500 is your plan that you don't have working? It's 00:48:03.500 --> 00:48:06.900 just a thought. You know, you can be in a meeting 00:48:06.900 --> 00:48:10.199 and go, oh. Admiral or general, I think that's 00:48:10.199 --> 00:48:13.940 a terrible plan. Well, what's yours? The general 00:48:13.940 --> 00:48:16.619 of the universe says, this is at least my best 00:48:16.619 --> 00:48:20.239 understanding from scripture, this is how to 00:48:20.239 --> 00:48:23.559 bear with one another. This is how to forgive 00:48:23.559 --> 00:48:26.980 one another. This is how to, whatever complaint 00:48:26.980 --> 00:48:30.000 you have, this is how to attack the problem and 00:48:30.000 --> 00:48:33.110 not the person. This is how to come together 00:48:33.110 --> 00:48:35.429 and let God be the umpire and let the peace of 00:48:35.429 --> 00:48:37.969 Christ rule in your hearts. This is how to beyond 00:48:37.969 --> 00:48:41.110 all things put on love because you all coming 00:48:41.110 --> 00:48:44.369 together, getting the relationship right is 10 00:48:44.369 --> 00:48:49.769 times more important than who's right. And so 00:48:49.769 --> 00:48:56.489 that's how you diffuse conflict. And that's a 00:48:56.489 --> 00:49:02.480 pretty step -by -step process to do it. And the 00:49:02.480 --> 00:49:06.360 last part of that action plan is I, as a husband, 00:49:06.500 --> 00:49:11.480 I will do this. And I have my wife, she writes 00:49:11.480 --> 00:49:15.519 down, I will commit to this by when. And then 00:49:15.519 --> 00:49:18.099 here's the key. The next time we'll meet and 00:49:18.099 --> 00:49:21.699 talk about this is. By the way, some of you just 00:49:21.699 --> 00:49:25.389 need some rhythms. And we didn't have any money 00:49:25.389 --> 00:49:27.909 most all the years growing up. But every Friday, 00:49:27.929 --> 00:49:30.550 because I taught on Saturday and Sunday, every 00:49:30.550 --> 00:49:33.429 Friday was my day off. And every Friday, I dropped 00:49:33.429 --> 00:49:35.670 the kids off. And I had a date with my wife. 00:49:35.690 --> 00:49:38.349 It was a breakfast date. And she knew that from 00:49:38.349 --> 00:49:41.309 breakfast to lunch or beyond, we were going to 00:49:41.309 --> 00:49:43.750 spend that time together. And yes, we would eat. 00:49:43.849 --> 00:49:47.269 We'd take a walk. We'd have some fun. We had 00:49:47.269 --> 00:49:50.429 a time where she knew, even if the stuff bothered 00:49:50.429 --> 00:49:53.409 her, we're only six and a half days away from 00:49:53.409 --> 00:49:56.929 an honest, good talk. If the only time you sit 00:49:56.929 --> 00:49:59.869 down to have a good talk is when you have junk, 00:50:00.130 --> 00:50:02.889 pretty soon it's not very fun. And so we would 00:50:02.889 --> 00:50:05.630 have a couple, three of these 15 -minute conferences 00:50:05.630 --> 00:50:08.550 where we're sharing things, and then we had one 00:50:08.550 --> 00:50:10.829 big time, and then Friday we'd have a little 00:50:10.829 --> 00:50:14.539 family night. And we just created a rhythm so 00:50:14.539 --> 00:50:17.320 the counts were short. And you know what? I told 00:50:17.320 --> 00:50:20.460 you about my dad. I told you about I grew up 00:50:20.460 --> 00:50:23.280 in an alcoholic home. I told you that I married 00:50:23.280 --> 00:50:26.800 a woman from an alcoholic home, from a very dysfunctional 00:50:26.800 --> 00:50:29.900 past, and we're a blended family, and we didn't 00:50:29.900 --> 00:50:31.719 know what we were doing, and we've had lots of 00:50:31.719 --> 00:50:35.900 problems. I would like to announce that I am 00:50:35.900 --> 00:50:38.059 married to one of the most amazing people in 00:50:38.059 --> 00:50:41.320 the world. but I have a deep, deep relationship 00:50:41.320 --> 00:50:43.739 with spiritual connection, emotional connection, 00:50:44.079 --> 00:50:47.960 and physical connection. Our kids are very, very 00:50:47.960 --> 00:50:51.320 imperfect, but very realistic and have followed 00:50:51.320 --> 00:50:54.639 Jesus, determined to marry people that were like 00:50:54.639 --> 00:50:57.539 -minded and are in the process of raising their 00:50:57.539 --> 00:51:01.300 kids where God's the umpire. All I just want 00:51:01.300 --> 00:51:03.840 you to know is God can take the most dysfunctional, 00:51:03.840 --> 00:51:09.500 difficult situations and he can restore. I mean, 00:51:09.500 --> 00:51:12.559 if he can do it for us, my, you all have issues, 00:51:12.780 --> 00:51:18.679 but I understand him. They didn't call my wife's 00:51:18.679 --> 00:51:25.159 PTSD, but it was trauma, trauma, trauma. She 00:51:25.159 --> 00:51:28.780 needed someone to hang in there with her when 00:51:28.780 --> 00:51:30.860 he didn't want to and when he didn't understand 00:51:30.860 --> 00:51:33.800 and when he felt helpless, but just to be available. 00:51:35.219 --> 00:51:38.480 And I needed. To know that when I made that commitment 00:51:38.480 --> 00:51:40.679 to Jesus that he said he would give me whatever 00:51:40.679 --> 00:51:42.960 I needed to give her whatever she needed for 00:51:42.960 --> 00:51:47.199 as long until death do us part. And one of the 00:51:47.199 --> 00:51:49.079 things that happens when you say till death do 00:51:49.079 --> 00:51:51.960 us part and really mean it, then you know there's 00:51:51.960 --> 00:51:59.059 option A and option A. And option A is how in 00:51:59.059 --> 00:52:01.280 the world are we going to figure this out? Because 00:52:01.280 --> 00:52:04.699 we are not going to give up. We were in desperate 00:52:04.699 --> 00:52:11.130 need. But God said, draw near to me, I'll draw 00:52:11.130 --> 00:52:15.090 near to you. All the resources you need to have 00:52:15.090 --> 00:52:19.690 the marriage that you desire are available. And 00:52:19.690 --> 00:52:22.269 there's a God on the sidelines or maybe in the 00:52:22.269 --> 00:52:25.889 center, I'm not sure where in your life, who 00:52:25.889 --> 00:52:30.969 says, if you will give me a chance and if you 00:52:30.969 --> 00:52:37.010 will let me direct, it won't always feel good. 00:52:38.440 --> 00:52:47.380 But yes, you'll end up happy. But your marriage 00:52:47.380 --> 00:52:51.739 relationship is the most vivid picture along 00:52:51.739 --> 00:52:54.980 with the church that I left the world so they 00:52:54.980 --> 00:53:00.440 know I'm real. So please don't let me down. Please 00:53:00.440 --> 00:53:03.320 show the world what Jesus loving the church and 00:53:03.320 --> 00:53:06.500 the church loving Jesus looks like by your relationship. 00:53:10.480 --> 00:53:13.039 This is Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, 00:53:13.099 --> 00:53:15.599 and we're in our series called Choosing Love. 00:53:16.000 --> 00:53:18.559 If you're ready to turn today's challenge into 00:53:18.559 --> 00:53:21.500 lasting change, Chip's newest book, I Choose 00:53:21.500 --> 00:53:24.360 Love, gives you the practical roadmap you need. 00:53:24.679 --> 00:53:27.460 It doesn't just tell you what to do. It shows 00:53:27.460 --> 00:53:30.360 you how to do it. You'll learn to recognize the 00:53:30.360 --> 00:53:33.239 subtle ways pride and selfishness sabotage your 00:53:33.239 --> 00:53:36.179 relationships. You'll discover practical exercises 00:53:36.179 --> 00:53:39.340 to develop genuine humility. And you'll see how 00:53:39.340 --> 00:53:42.280 choosing agape love, the sacrificial, others 00:53:42.280 --> 00:53:45.320 -focused love of God, transforms even your most 00:53:45.320 --> 00:53:48.440 difficult relationships. I Choose Love addresses 00:53:48.440 --> 00:53:51.500 the real issues we all face. The tendency to 00:53:51.500 --> 00:53:53.840 need the last word, the subtle belief that our 00:53:53.840 --> 00:53:56.739 perspective is the truth, the grandiosity that 00:53:56.739 --> 00:53:59.360 shows up in small ways like chronic lateness. 00:53:59.719 --> 00:54:02.440 Chip gets brutally honest about his own struggles, 00:54:02.539 --> 00:54:05.380 and he shows you the path forward. If you're 00:54:05.380 --> 00:54:07.960 tired of broken relationships and ready to experience 00:54:07.960 --> 00:54:11.340 love that actually works, get your copy of I 00:54:11.340 --> 00:54:15.539 Choose Love today. Visit livingontheedge .org. 00:54:16.000 --> 00:54:18.519 And friend, this Bible teaching program is reaching 00:54:18.519 --> 00:54:21.099 you and countless others because of the faithful 00:54:21.099 --> 00:54:24.000 giving of listeners just like you. When you give 00:54:24.000 --> 00:54:26.260 to Living on the Edge, you're multiplying this 00:54:26.260 --> 00:54:29.139 message of transformative love around the world. 00:54:29.539 --> 00:54:32.940 Would you join us? Visit livingontheedge .org 00:54:32.940 --> 00:54:39.019 to give or just call us at 888 -333 -6003. Well, 00:54:39.039 --> 00:54:41.480 that wraps up today's episode. Don't miss the 00:54:41.480 --> 00:54:44.000 next Bible teaching message coming up here on 00:54:44.000 --> 00:54:50.300 the Chip Ingram Sermon Podcast. Today's program 00:54:50.300 --> 00:54:53.119 is produced and sponsored by Living on the Edge.