This is the Chip Ingram Sermon Podcast, brought
to you by Living on the Edge. In this podcast,
you'll hear Chip's teaching unedited and from
beginning to end. Here's Chip Ingram with a new
message titled, Resolving Conflict Peaceably.
We are looking at skill number three. It's how
to resolve conflict. Are you ready for this?
Peaceably. You know, so nobody gets hurt. Number
one, here's a biblical perspective of conflict.
Number one, it is inevitable. Jesus said in the
world, you will have tribulation. So we wouldn't
be surprised. Second, it flows from our differences
in perspective. Paul and Barnabas, remember,
John Mark was a flake. He went back. The next
trip, Barnabas says, hey, I think we should take
John Mark. He's the son of encouragement, his
gifts, his philosophy. Everyone fails sometimes.
Let's bring him along. Paul is very mission A
type. You know what? We are not going to sacrifice
the mission. He blew it one time. The mission
is more important. If you want to help him, you
stick around and help him. And it says they had
such a sharp disagreement, we get our word schism.
And Paul and Barnabas went different ways. I
don't think either of them are wrong. One was
an encourager that needed to help a guy. The
other realized, you know what? Jesus told me
to take the gospel to all the world and I can't
risk the mission on a guy that I can't depend
on. So there's differences in perspective. Sometimes
it's just selfish desires. James would say, what
are the causes of fights and quarrels among you?
Don't they come? From your desires or your lusts
that battle within you. You want something. You
don't get it. You kill. You covet. But you can't
have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You
do not have because you do not ask God. And when
you do ask God, you ask with the wrong motives.
That you can spend it on your pleasures. You
know, behind a lot of conflict is just plain
old selfishness and sin. And then finally, sometimes
it's just personality differences. Paul has a
couple ladies in Euodia and Syntyche. And he
says they're both great. They're both helpers.
They're both wonderful people. But they can't
get along. Maybe it's personality. We don't know.
But they needed an outside help. They needed
a counselor, according to Paul. I want you to
get these two ladies together. They're both super.
But together, they just rub each other the wrong
way. All I want you to get is this. Conflict
is normal, and healthy conflict produces an opportunity
for growth, but can be destructive unless addressed
wisely, lovingly, and with rules to govern the
process. How many of you have a very clear pattern
that you follow when there's conflict? Yeah,
this is what we do when we have... You know,
when we have a discussion, what you really mean
is an argument's about to burst out, but you
have a plan when you disagree. All I'm going
to do is I'm going to give you a plan. So our
text is Colossians 3, verses 12 through 17. If
you're kind of getting it, it's so as those have
been chosen by God, holy and beloved, that's
who we are. We're putting on a heart of compassion.
kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience,
bearing with one another, and forgiving each
other, whoever has a complaint against anyone.
Forgiving one another, just as the Lord forgave
you, so also should you. And beyond all these
things, put on love, which is the perfect bond
of unity. And let the peace of Christ rule in
your hearts to which you've been called into
one body and be thankful. The command is, here's
the command. It's real simple. We are to deal
with our mates as Christ has dealt with us and
deals with us. Okay, that's the issue. If you
get nothing else, what would that look like if
you would say, There's a conflict. There's a
disagreement. I'm angry. I'm bitter. I'm resentful.
Why did she do that again? I can't believe he
did that. We've talked about it a hundred times.
And when you come together, your one goal is
I want to treat him or I want to treat her the
way Christ treats me. Doesn't mean you're not
going to have conflict, but I'll guarantee if
you bear with one another, if you forgive one
another. If you're beyond all these things put
on love, and if you let the peace of Christ rule
in your hearts, it'll come out a lot differently.
Let me show you what these words mean. Bearing
with one another is just basically, what are
things that cause tension? And they're not necessarily
moral or wrong, but they're just, there's certain
things, unless you've been married like six months,
right? And they're still in la -la land. Oh no,
she's so wonderful. She's never done anything
wrong ever. He's so strong. He's so handsome.
I can't believe he loves me. 18 months later,
I can't believe, right? But this is, how do you
put up with the things that people do, some that
might be wrong, but more, this is the idea of
idiosyncrasies, of things that rub you the wrong
way, that we've talked about them and they just
keep doing them. And he says, bear with one another.
In other words, it's deal with tension and things
that bother you in a constructive way. And then
forgive one another. This is a hurt or offense.
The New Testament word for forgive literally
is to release. And I'm going to dig in a bit
more to forgiveness a little bit later because
get clear, forgiveness is a choice to not pay
the other person back for what they've done.
I release you. And what comes up in our minds
is, that's not fair. I'm not going to let him
off the hook. No, you don't let him off the hook.
What you do is you say, I'm going to take this
offense and I'm going to release it and I'm going
to put you on God's hook. He's the just one.
And you do. People who refuse to forgive are
people who drink poison and think it's going
to kill the other person. When you don't forgive,
I mean, it's medical. It's ulcers. It's migraines.
It's low immune system. Lack of forgiveness will
destroy your life. It will destroy your soul.
By the way, our Father who art in heaven, hallowed
be thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done
on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day
our daily bread and... Forgive us our sins or
trespasses as we... Remember what Jesus said?
If you do not forgive your brother from the heart,
your heavenly father will not forgive you. This
is really important. So we'll talk about... It
doesn't mean... By the way, forgiveness and reconciliation
aren't the same thing. You can forgive a person.
That doesn't mean that everything goes back to
normal. Sometimes trust has to be rebuilt, or
sometimes a person in some other circumstances
are dangerous, and you forgive them, but that
abuser can't be in your life anymore, or in one
of your kids' lives. We'll clarify that, but
I just want to get through the passage. Whoever
has a complaint, in other words, it bothers you.
It just really bothers, what they have done really
bothers you. It's personalized and it's ongoing.
And so just as the Lord forgave you, so also
should you. And then it goes on to say, let the
peace of Christ rule in your hearts. And that
word rule, it's the idea of a century walking
back and forth. And literally the idea is in.
In the midst of a conflict, instead of your right
or their right, it's a picture of let God be
the umpire. What does he think? What's his estimation?
We'll learn in just a minute that every conflict
in marriage, there's never a winner and a loser.
There's either two winners and two losers. Oh,
you might win the argument. You might make them
feel bad. You might even get your way. But if
you win and they lose, Remember, you're one.
So he says, let the peace of Christ rule. Why?
You're called into one body. You're unity before
God. He's talking about the whole church. But
wow, if he's talking about the church, how much
more a couple. And then this commandment to be
thankful, to focus on what we have instead of
what's lacking. Turn the page, if you will, and
I want to give you this picture before I walk
through a little acronym that's helped me. Jim
Burns is a good friend, and he's a marriage and
family therapist and speaker. And he says there's
a negative dance and there's a positive dance.
And it's very predictable. So you start at the
top. There's tension, friction, problem, pain,
misunderstanding. And you can fill it in. In
fact, for some of you, you don't have to think
too hard. You can just think of some of the real
recent ones. The negative dance is defensive.
Blaming, anger, control, attack. And the I language
appears. I did this. You ought to do that. I
did this. It's very defensive. Why did you do
that? And it usually escalates in tones of voice,
often in yelling. And then when it gets really
bad, sometimes it gets physical. And then there's
a disconnect, emotional withdrawal, avoidance,
pouting, acting, feeling superior. And then after
that, you get detached because it's not resolved.
You feel bitter, resentment, contempt, loneliness,
unresolved issues, fighting like a deadness in
your soul. And the result, deeper tension and
regret. It doesn't matter what the issues are.
Most of the issues you fight about are symptoms,
by the way. They're not even the real issue.
When Teresa and I were having our worst times,
we did that dance almost on a weekly basis. And
so her way was to shut down and she wouldn't
talk, wouldn't talk to me for two days. You know,
we did the classic couples. You know, you go
to bed and you're both in bed like this. And
so, you know, she rolls that way and I roll this
way. And I had this sort of mechanism that I
thought would be very helpful but was very ineffective.
Is I would sort of... And that meant I'm still
awake so you can still apologize. And she would
shut down. And then being, you know, I'm in seminary
so I'm learning a lot of verses. And then I would
lay there for a while. And then that verse, you
know, resolve it by bedtime. So I would get up
and I'd turn on a little light. And I would walk
around the bed. And I would tell her, we've got
to get this resolved. We've got this resolved,
you know, and all this. And she would just ice
me out. And then we'd get up the next morning.
And by the way, you go to bed angry. Does something
to your soul. Then I would feel not attracted
to her. Felt distant. We would never get anything
resolved. By two or three days, we would act
like it didn't happen. We would just both go
on. And what we were doing is we put thin layer
upon thin layer upon thin layer of our hearts
hardening. We were both very vulnerable to temptation
of all kinds. You know, so our communication,
our emotional connection, And our sex life was
all going this direction. Now, when they go that
direction, then what happens, right? Now you've
created deeper in the same pattern and the resentment
and the bitterness. And it can be over. Ours
was why I was getting home late for dinner. And
I thought it was ridiculous. And I was holding
down a job full -time, going to school full -time.
And we had kids. I'm a basketball junkie. I mean,
if you've ever been in playgrounds, you can go
to any inner city, and if you're especially in
the inner city, it's like there's all black guys,
and there's at least one skinny little white
guy and a tall white guy. And that's why I kept
my ball in the back, my shoes and everything,
and I would drive by a playground, and I would
just jump out. And I played very competitively
and played against Olympic teams all throughout
South America, and I was a gym rat. I played
seven or eight hours a day and I was in basketball.
After college practice, I'd go play pickup ball
at night. I mean, I just loved it. And if you
win a game, for some of you guys know this, you
stay on. So I would get someplace with a bunch
of guys. And of course they, you know, what are
you skinny little white guy coming here? And
then I'm on, I'm on, I'm on. And then the skinny
little white guy would say, this is why, where
he played in college. And this is why, dude.
We'd win a game. Then we'd win another game.
Then we'd win another game. Well, I couldn't
leave. And so Teresa would have fixed it. And
every time it happened, it was like it was a
special meal. And I had no idea that she was
expressing her love to me. And to me, it was
all about when you get home. And so over time,
I've learned a good defense. offense was better
than a bad defense. And I would come in, I'd
just pick on her. And the moment I got in, so
I'd get mad at her before she'd get mad at me.
And really, all the issues where she felt rejected,
it triggered things in her life. I felt like,
don't tell me what to do. I said 5 .30. What's
the difference between 5 .30, quarter, six? Six.
I mean, I'll eat it cold. I don't care. I didn't
get it. That was one of many. But I just want
you to get it doesn't have to start over something
big. The positive dance is there's tension, friction,
problem, pain, misunderstanding. And the response
is we. We assume responsibility and we work together
to resolve the issue. I'm going to give you some
tools to do that. We didn't know how to do that.
In other words, it's like, okay, how do you bring
something up that gets the problem on the table
without attacking the person? Because I was super
defensive. And if I raise my voice a little bit,
she just shrunk. By the way, in most conflict,
you have sharks and turtles. Some by personality,
some by gender. And so in a conflict, there's
some of you that what you do is instinctively,
because of your background, your personality,
you just pull your head in. Amen? All you can
get is a shell. And then there's those of us,
you know, we just swarm the water. And you know
what? We're going to win. And we're going to
attack. And if we have verbal skills, we're going
to reframe it. And you did this. By the time
we're done, we were the problem. And you feel
like it's all your fault. And then you realize
it's not. And then you resent us. And we have
manipulated. And we've been unkind. And we haven't
been bearing with one another. And we haven't
been forgiving. And we haven't been humble. We
haven't been patient. But here, it's a we. Okay,
we have an issue. We'll talk about getting that
on the table. And then the we issue goes to resolution
without a win or lose. Okay, yeah, this is a
problem. How should we solve it? What are our
options? Let's define the problem together. Let's
calmly talk about it in a way that I'll show
you. And what did we learn from this? What was
really going on? And as a result, what happens
is you learn about each other. What would God
have us do in this situation? You see it this
way, I see it that way. And we're at odds. What
does the umpire, what's he say about this? Or
do we need someone from the outside since we're
at a deadlock? Because we want this to go better.
Do we need someone on the outside to coach us
and help us, mentor through this, who's objective?
Because obviously, neither of us are. And if
we could have solved it, we probably would have
solved it by now. And when you do that, then
the result is authentic oneness and a feeling
of being loved. And conflict actually becomes
something where... You grow closer. As iron sharpens
iron, so one man sharpens another. Or one man
and one woman sharpen another. And so as you
turn to the next page, what I want to talk about
is how to diffuse conflict in your marriage.
And it's interesting, diffuse and diffuse sounds
pretty much the same. See, what happens in marriage
is it starts off, I mean, it can start off so
small. But once your emotions get in it, then
you start looking at the other person through
this and you find other faults. And so what you
want to do is marriages, great marriages, or
at least good marriages and people with a good
relationship, you can so focus on a 5 % problem.
And forget the 95 % that's good, and little by
little by little, the more you focus on the problem,
it grows and grows and grows, and then it colors
and takes away. I mean, because of the way we
did it, our conversation was terrible. Because
of the way we handled it, emotionally we weren't
connected. Because of the way we handled it,
she didn't want to have sex with me, and I still
wanted to have sex with her. And she used it
like a club. And she'd withdraw. And then I was
passive aggressive. And I would know that, you
know, the trash is full. Tell you what, I would
just, shucks, I didn't see it. She likes to be
on time, knowingly and unknowingly. When we were
fighting, I just made sure we were just a little
bit late. See, when you're passive aggressive,
you take, The way to pay back on a different
field that's safer. Sarcasm. Late. You push their
buttons. And then if you push them and they respond,
oh, I was just kidding. We play lots of games.
And you know what it does? It destroys your soul
and it destroys your relationship. So how do
you take a problem and diffuse it, spread it
out? So you get God's perspective and you deal
with it. Well, here's the acronym. The D is for
define the problem on your own. Define the problem
on your own. Proverbs 15, four says, the discerning
heart seeks knowledge, but the mouth of a fool
feeds on folly. When you have a disagreement,
don't start by solving it with the person. Get
by yourself and ask, what's bothering me? How
do I feel? When did this all begin? Journaling
may not be for everyone. I journal. A lot of
times, I just know I have feelings and I don't
like them, and I'll just write myself clear.
This happened yesterday, and it was just a look,
and she said this, and we were going about that,
and we were driving in the car, and just out
of the blue, go here, park here, do that. You
know, I didn't say anything, but just something
inside me was like, shut up. I know how to drive
the car. We've been married 42 years. Hey, I
don't need a guide to tell me which spot. And
why that bothered me is, well, probably. So rather
than there, I write that out and I figure out
what's going on. Why? Why is this making me so
angry? And then pray and ask God for insight.
Proverbs 21 .2 says, all a man's ways seem right
to him, but the Lord weighs the heart. If you
didn't do anything other than D of diffuse, man,
you'd have so many less arguments. If you just
define, what we do is we react. If you have a
tension, a pain, a problem, a situation, if you
can just go, stop, I'm going to define what's
going on here. The I is for initiate a time to
talk. Matthew 5, 23 and 24 says, therefore, if
you're offering your gift at the altar and there
remember your brother or mate has something against
you, leave your gift there at the altar. First
go and be reconciled to your brother or your
mate and then come and offer your offering. And
when I say initiate a time to talk, jot these
down. Right time, right place. Trying to solve
a complex problem at the wrong time and the wrong
place will not go well. It's a time that's good
for both of you. Don't be pushy, but don't procrastinate.
No, we really need to meet. Well, I'm exhausted
now and I've got to pick up the kids and I've
got to do this and I've got to do that. Yeah,
and I've got a big meeting. Okay, then. Friday
morning, okay? There's some things that are on
my heart I just want to discuss. So you've defined
it. You're clear. You've talked with the Lord.
You initiate a time to talk. The F is focus on
the perceived problem, not the person. Proverbs
18, 19 says, an offended brother is more unyielding
than a fortified city. and disputes are like
the barred gates of a citadel. One of the huge
issues in our marriage was we, neither of us,
her family didn't have any conflict because it
was illegal. And my folks, they would have conflict,
but they came from the school, let's not do it
in front of the kids. So we never saw how conflict
got resolved. And my dad blew up and my mom stuffed.
And you do understand that left to yourself,
you pretty much do what, not what people told
you, but what was modeled. And so you got to,
when I said some of you, you got to break out
of old patterns and develop new ones. And so,
jot this down. This is going to be important.
The way you bring up a problem without attacking
the person is called a I feel message. This was
on our refrigerator for two years. An I feel
message. Let me tell you, and I'll just make
it, because I want you to know that it doesn't
have to be over a big thing. It's usually big
stuff under the surface. So, I'm late. Why are
you late again? Don't you even care? You should
come home on time. I fixed all this food and
you don't even care. You don't even give a rat.
Who are you to tell me what to do all the time?
My lands, I'm working full time. I'm going to
school full time. I'm supporting the kids. I'm
up late. I'm up early. I'm studying Greek. Man,
I got to have some fun too. Well, silence, bedroom.
Here we go. Three day journey. All over dinner,
except it wasn't. What I would learn later is
I spent all day doing something to say I love
you and I fixed it. You didn't show up and you
didn't even call. And what I heard was there's
no room for me to have a life of my own. I'm
busting it like crazy. I'm already insecure about
figuring out how to be a dad to two kids that
I adopted a year ago. And when you start with
that, you should, you ought, man, those are,
for a man, those are fighting words. You ought,
you should, you always, you never. That's how
mothers talk to sons. Let me tell you, those
are fighting words, both directions. Adults don't
talk to adults like that. That's authority to
inferiors. Well, then if that's true, then how
do you get it on the table without saying you
ought, you should, raising your voice? It's an
I feel message. So here's the picture. These
are the stories you're about to hear. The names
have not been changed to protect not the innocent,
okay? So this was, you know, we're in counseling
and we're working through all this. And so, you
know, it's another time and I'm feeling bad and
I'm feeling guilty and I'm not going to attack
her. But I walk in and it was such a great game.
I mean, we just kept winning. It was so wonderful.
And there's a brotherhood. There's something
about hanging with guys you haven't met and doing
it that I just loved. And so I walk in and the
kids aren't around and the table's set and there's
candles lit. And I'm going, oh gosh, why does
she always do this when I play basketball? And
she's thinking, why does she always play basketball
when I do this? And so I came in and she goes,
she was like calm in her right mind. No, no,
I'm, you know, no fire in her eyes. Hey, it's
like, hey, something's wrong here, you know?
Like you're on patrol and you know, I don't know
what's wrong, but I can feel it. Something's
wrong. And she goes, are you still hungry? I
said, yeah, well, it's in the oven. I'll get
it for you. No, sit down. Candles are still lit.
So she gets it out of the oven and puts it on
the table and then she sits down. She doesn't
look mad. Is this reverse psychology? What's
coming on here? This is really starting to scare
me. So I eat, and she lets me eat. And do you
like it? Yeah. And I'm thinking, I think I'm
just going to get by with this. So right time.
She processed personally what the real issue
was. Right time, right way, candles. And then
she looks at me, leans over, eyeball to eyeball.
She said, Chip, can I tell you something? I said,
sure. She said, I spent half of the day preparing
this meal for you because I love you. I feel
hurt when you don't call and you don't get to
enjoy this meal that I made to express my love
for you. I feel hurt. See, you can't argue with
someone's feelings. And because she did it in
that way, a gentle answer turns away wrath, Proverbs
15. And I mean, it was like, God used a, I mean,
I just, get up and fight like a real man. That
was unfair. And for the first time, I made the
connection between my lateness and her heart
and what she was experiencing. And she didn't
nag. She didn't attack. She gave an I feel message.
And I can remember, oh, dozens of times later,
guys, bros, man, it's been great, super. Man,
I got a hot date with my wife. I got to run.
You want to take my place? And I bet I wasn't
late three or four times in the next five years.
Because now it's not about being late. I don't
want to wound my wife. You do understand that
your whole life changes too with the Lord when
you realize that sin is never a behavioral issue.
It's not I should stop watching porn or I should
stop cussing or I've got to break this addiction
or I need to stop losing my temper. Those are
behaviors. You'll never change until you realize,
you know, Ephesians says, don't grieve the Holy
Spirit. It talks about all those abusive words
and language and malice and slander and all those
negative things. It breaks God's heart. When
you could realize that when you sin and when
I sin, what really happens... Jesus already took
my punishment. It doesn't make God mad when you
sin. It makes him sad. See, he wants to be closer
to you than you want to be closer to him. And
when you begin to realize, should I do this or
not do this? When I knew it was going to break
my wife's heart, my heart changed. I mean, I
may be a jerk, but I'm not going to treat her
like that. But if she wants to fight about, you
know, time you eat supper, And if she wants to
control my life, right, all those things I say,
how did she do it? Can you imagine? I feel frustrated
when you raise your voice. I feel hurt when you
bring that up in front of the children. I feel
wounded when after we've talked about that and
you said you forgave me, in a moment of heat,
you bring that up about my failure in the past.
I feel. We had it on the refrigerator and we
learned. We learned when there was a problem,
get alone. Define what the problem is. Process
the whole thing first and before the Lord. Initiate
the right time and right place to talk and then
focus on the perceived problem. By the way, I
have a little note. Eliminate you should, you
ought, you always, you never. And it's always
a win -win or a lose -lose. The second F is for
feel their pain as though it were your own. Proverbs
17, 17 says, a friend loves at all times and
a brother or a spouse or a mate was born for
adversity. No matter how angry you are, no matter
how hurt, one of the axioms of relationships
you have to understand is everyone acts in a
way that makes sense to them. I mean, the things
that make you nuts about your mate, they, by
and large, it makes sense to them. The way their
mind, the way they're thinking in the moment,
it made sense to them. Unless they're just absolutely
evil, They weren't trying to think, hey, how
can I just totally screw up our marriage? But
they just find themselves in the same thing.
And as difficult as it is, feel their pain as
though it were your own. You don't have to understand
it. It doesn't have to be logical. That was a
big one for me. And my wife's very intelligent.
Don't get me wrong. But when you're wounded and
when you're hurt or when things are happening
or when you've been through things and we all
have and you all have, sometimes two plus two
eeks will seven. And in your brain somehow that
makes sense. And if you're on the receiving end
of that, and what I came to is I need to feel
what she feels. I need to understand. It doesn't
have to make sense. It doesn't have to be logical.
But I want to identify and I want to emphasize
with what she is actually feeling. One of the
other little tools, if you think I have a lot
of tools, we had a lot of work to do. And one
of the other ones was we had a hard time connecting
our worlds. And so one of the... if you will,
is using a word picture or a metaphor. Sometimes,
remember when Nathan, I don't know how much you
all know the Bible. I didn't grow up reading
the Bible, but David was this really great king
and he commits adultery with this guy's wife.
And then she gets pregnant and the story is pretty
quick. So he wants to cover it up. So he has
her husband come back off the battlefield. Gets
him drunk and sends him home to sleep with his
wife. So when the baby comes, he thinks it's
his. And he's so honorable. He says, man, I'm
not sleeping with my wife with all the other
men are out in the battlefield. He tries to,
you know, get it going two or three different
days. It doesn't work. And so he sends him back
with a note, put the guy on the front lines,
make sure he gets killed. Not exactly a godly
king moment. So it's about a year. And the. not
quite a year, the prophet Nathan comes. And that's
a culture where you confront the king, like death
is a very high probability. And so sometimes
the way to help someone understand something
where you know they're going to be defensive
is by a story or a metaphor. And so Nathan comes
and he goes, oh. King, I have to tell you this
great story. It's so sad. Well, what is it? And
he goes, it's happening in your kingdom of all
places. Well, what is it? He goes, there's a
man and he has hundreds and hundreds of sheep
and he's very wealthy and a visitor came and
hospitality was sort of a given. You had to feed
someone if they stopped in. And he said, this
man, instead of his sheep, there was one man.
He had one tiny little lamb. And it was not just
a little lamb, but it slept with him. And it
was like his pet. And it was his friend. And
this rich man who had hundreds and hundreds of
sheep, he took that man's lamb and he butchered
it for his guests. And David was livid. This
man shall pay for it. And then Nathan says, behold,
you're the man. And see, what he helped him see
was, The same thing in a different place. And
so I won't go into the whole story, but it was
another area where my work was consuming me and
I was neglecting things in our home. And I can
still remember sitting in front of the fireplace
and my wife told me this story. And she goes,
I want to talk about something, but you'll get
defensive. No, no, I won't. No, you will. You'll
get really defensive. I'm not supposed to say
always, but you often do, okay? No, I promise
I won't be defensive right now. So she's really
setting me up. And then she asked me these questions
like, you know, Chip, when we were driving by
the church, I just noticed you commented on the
grass and you commented, wow, that needs painted
over there and the remodeling in the back. And
you just seem to notice everything. She goes,
boy, it's really amazing to me. I just think
you're such a good boss. I think you're right.
You know, down to the detail. And then she said,
Chip, did you know that our dishwasher, when
I run it, I put a towel under it because it's
been broken for months. And so it leaks. And
that in the boys' window and in Annie's window,
when it rains, the water comes in because we
have a leak. So I put towels there. And I don't
know if you've noticed, but when you walk by
our couch, if you've ever scratched your leg,
there's a spring that's sticking out. And, you
know, I don't think you've really noticed, but,
you know, we did have a dog for a while and the
other things, and there's, like, the carpet is
soiled everywhere. And I was just, I feel like
that You see what really needs to be taken care
of at work, but you don't see what needs to be
taken care of here. And I know it's not true,
but it feels like your work matters more than
our home. And you're in charge of your work,
and I'm in charge of our home. And I know this
isn't true, but it makes me feel like you don't
care about me then. Man, if she keeps doing this,
I'm going to just, you know. Two days later,
I mean, I got a buddy. I got a friend. It was
like, okay, you ready? Man, we cleaned all the
carpets. I called another buddy. I said, man,
I don't think I really have the money. But, you
know, we're replacing the windows. We got the
windows done. Because what happened was it was
like, oh, she's right. Now, by the way, I'm sharing
kind of more of her side of it. And I've had.
a few of my I feel messages, and I'll share a
couple of those. But are you starting to see
the power? But you're starting to see that this
is what it looks like to bear with one another.
This is what it looks like to forgive anyone
who has a complaint against you. This is what
it looks like to treat your mate the way Jesus
treats you. I mean, when you sin, you don't get
hit by lightning, do you? Holy Spirit, very sensitive,
very clear, very specific. The U is uncover the
root problem. Proverbs 20, verse five says, the
purposes in a man's heart are like deep waters,
but a man of understanding draws them out. There's
deep issues. The root problems, if they aren't
dealt with, will just surface. Again and again
and again. And I put a little chart here, and
this is much more for another day. But in general,
if the symptom is money, you're arguing about
money, usually the root problem has to do with
values, priorities, power, and control issues.
So you can argue about money until Jesus comes.
But the issue is you don't share the same values.
Or there's someone that's got some control issues.
Or, you know, your priorities are really different.
You know, one of you thinks, wow, I mean, don't
the kids need new shoes? And don't we need to
do this? And don't we need to do that? And someone
else thinks, gosh, shouldn't we go to more movies?
Yeah, I don't know. One says, you know, we need
to watch every penny and keep track of it. And
now they're just sort of, in most marriages,
there's a spender and a saver. Why we marry each
other, I don't know why. If there's sex problems,
it's usually a communication issue, an unmet
emotional need, a past history, baggage. A lot
of times, as we work through those issues with
my wife, it was like, man, I just don't get it,
but I... I failed to understand what it's like
to be rejected by your father and then be rejected
by another man. And her loved me very, very much
and have struggles in areas in the early years
sexually because all men were painted with this
bad brush. And it was just like, you talk about
rejection. So those were my feel, I feel messages.
Honey, I feel like you don't love me. When I
want to be with you and you're not very responsive.
I just feel rejected. And you say, it's not me.
It's not about me. Well, I'm the only other person
in the room, right? But okay, are you ready?
I got news for you. There's couples that they
get stuck there and that's the way it is. And
she perfunctorily will have some sex because
she doesn't like it. Or by the way, it goes the
other way. It can happen just the opposite. I
had a couple in our church, beautiful gal. And
really, it was deep insecurity issues with him
and all kind of issues. And he struggled and
didn't have anything to do with her. But I'll
tell you this, they were never going to get that
solved by themselves. In -law issues usually
have to do with loyalty, expectations. And children
and work, usually it's roles and goals. Who owns
what? What are our goals? How are we going to
get there? But those are just generalizations.
Those are deep wells. But the majority of couples,
they're all on the left side. My prediction,
if you get married by about 25 years, you'll
have every one of those at some point. Every
one of them. So why be embarrassed to get some
help or go to a counselor because every single
person. Now, the people who don't do anything
about it, what they do is they do what we call
the parallel life track, live in the same home,
have these deep unresolved issues. Do the best
you can. While the kids are young, stay involved
in the kids, usually as a woman. Do some things
at work. And then when the empty nest is, the
two most common times of divorce are first five
years and right about 20 or 22 when the nest
is empty. Because what you realize, you don't
have anything that pulls you together anymore.
You didn't develop your relationship. You didn't
deal with issues. And it's never too late. It's
never too late. In fact, it can be very, very
exciting. The S is for set things right between
you. James 5 .16 says, Therefore, confess your
sins to each other and pray for each other so
that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous
man or a righteous woman, I'll add, is powerful
and effective. And this is where humility comes.
I mean, it took us a long time, but it's just
own your responsibility. I mean, yes, you feel
defensive and there's this and there's that.
But little by little, since you're chosen, since
you're already holy and set apart, and since
you're already dearly loved, you know what you
can say? You're right. I'm wrong. I didn't see
that. I did say that. I was way too loud. When
we talked about it earlier, that's on me. I was
defensive. You know what? You're right. I have
rationalized. I have a drinking problem. All
right? But I want you to know those nightmares
don't go away, and I feel a little bit better
when I drink, and I know it's not a good solution,
but I don't know what to do. And you know what
you'll hear is, let me help you. Let me help
you. The most hurting people in the world that
end up And the worst places in the world are
people that will not let others help them. And
at the heart of that is arrogance. Or shame.
And there's no need for either with the Lord.
You'll never do anything that will ever surprise
Him. Every sin that you have ever committed will
ever commit. The worst thought that you have
ever had or will ever have, the omniscient, all
-powerful God of the universe is already aware
of it. And because of those, he said, I will
go to the cross in your place to pay for your
sin. And I will atone or cover for your sin.
And if you will put your faith and trust in me,
then I will pay for those once and for all. And
you will die and you'll be risen with me. And
my spirit will come inside of your physical body.
And it'll be a journey and we'll live this life
together. And it's not about rules. It's not
about church. It's not about what others. It's
us in relationship. I'm the vine. You're the
branch. My father's the vine dresser. And we're
going to get connected. So I left you my word.
My spirit's going to dwell inside of you and
guide you. And when you trip and fall, I'm not
upset. In fact, every baby step you take toward
righteousness, toward forgiveness, toward restoration,
I'm right there cheering you on. That's the Christian
life. So you own your responsibility. You confess.
You ask for forgiveness, and I push this a bit,
and look the person in the eye. Will you forgive
me? And don't settle for, you know, yeah, it's
okay. It wasn't that big a deal. No, no, no.
That's not how we do this. Will you forgive me?
And what you need is, yes, I will. I release
you for what you did or what you said. And then
if at all possible, pray together and out loud
if possible. It's so healing. And then E is establish
a specific action plan that addresses the issue
discussed and write it down. I know this sounds
perfunctory, but can I ask you a question? How
is your plan that you don't have working? It's
just a thought. You know, you can be in a meeting
and go, oh. Admiral or general, I think that's
a terrible plan. Well, what's yours? The general
of the universe says, this is at least my best
understanding from scripture, this is how to
bear with one another. This is how to forgive
one another. This is how to, whatever complaint
you have, this is how to attack the problem and
not the person. This is how to come together
and let God be the umpire and let the peace of
Christ rule in your hearts. This is how to beyond
all things put on love because you all coming
together, getting the relationship right is 10
times more important than who's right. And so
that's how you diffuse conflict. And that's a
pretty step -by -step process to do it. And the
last part of that action plan is I, as a husband,
I will do this. And I have my wife, she writes
down, I will commit to this by when. And then
here's the key. The next time we'll meet and
talk about this is. By the way, some of you just
need some rhythms. And we didn't have any money
most all the years growing up. But every Friday,
because I taught on Saturday and Sunday, every
Friday was my day off. And every Friday, I dropped
the kids off. And I had a date with my wife.
It was a breakfast date. And she knew that from
breakfast to lunch or beyond, we were going to
spend that time together. And yes, we would eat.
We'd take a walk. We'd have some fun. We had
a time where she knew, even if the stuff bothered
her, we're only six and a half days away from
an honest, good talk. If the only time you sit
down to have a good talk is when you have junk,
pretty soon it's not very fun. And so we would
have a couple, three of these 15 -minute conferences
where we're sharing things, and then we had one
big time, and then Friday we'd have a little
family night. And we just created a rhythm so
the counts were short. And you know what? I told
you about my dad. I told you about I grew up
in an alcoholic home. I told you that I married
a woman from an alcoholic home, from a very dysfunctional
past, and we're a blended family, and we didn't
know what we were doing, and we've had lots of
problems. I would like to announce that I am
married to one of the most amazing people in
the world. but I have a deep, deep relationship
with spiritual connection, emotional connection,
and physical connection. Our kids are very, very
imperfect, but very realistic and have followed
Jesus, determined to marry people that were like
-minded and are in the process of raising their
kids where God's the umpire. All I just want
you to know is God can take the most dysfunctional,
difficult situations and he can restore. I mean,
if he can do it for us, my, you all have issues,
but I understand him. They didn't call my wife's
PTSD, but it was trauma, trauma, trauma. She
needed someone to hang in there with her when
he didn't want to and when he didn't understand
and when he felt helpless, but just to be available.
And I needed. To know that when I made that commitment
to Jesus that he said he would give me whatever
I needed to give her whatever she needed for
as long until death do us part. And one of the
things that happens when you say till death do
us part and really mean it, then you know there's
option A and option A. And option A is how in
the world are we going to figure this out? Because
we are not going to give up. We were in desperate
need. But God said, draw near to me, I'll draw
near to you. All the resources you need to have
the marriage that you desire are available. And
there's a God on the sidelines or maybe in the
center, I'm not sure where in your life, who
says, if you will give me a chance and if you
will let me direct, it won't always feel good.
But yes, you'll end up happy. But your marriage
relationship is the most vivid picture along
with the church that I left the world so they
know I'm real. So please don't let me down. Please
show the world what Jesus loving the church and
the church loving Jesus looks like by your relationship.
This is Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram,
and we're in our series called Choosing Love.
If you're ready to turn today's challenge into
lasting change, Chip's newest book, I Choose
Love, gives you the practical roadmap you need.
It doesn't just tell you what to do. It shows
you how to do it. You'll learn to recognize the
subtle ways pride and selfishness sabotage your
relationships. You'll discover practical exercises
to develop genuine humility. And you'll see how
choosing agape love, the sacrificial, others
-focused love of God, transforms even your most
difficult relationships. I Choose Love addresses
the real issues we all face. The tendency to
need the last word, the subtle belief that our
perspective is the truth, the grandiosity that
shows up in small ways like chronic lateness.
Chip gets brutally honest about his own struggles,
and he shows you the path forward. If you're
tired of broken relationships and ready to experience
love that actually works, get your copy of I
Choose Love today. Visit livingontheedge .org.
And friend, this Bible teaching program is reaching
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that wraps up today's episode. Don't miss the
next Bible teaching message coming up here on
the Chip Ingram Sermon Podcast. Today's program
is produced and sponsored by Living on the Edge.