This is the Chip Ingram Sermon Podcast, brought
to you by Living on the Edge. In this podcast,
you'll hear Chip's teaching unedited and from
beginning to end. Well, here's Chip with today's
message titled, Effectively Communicating God's
Love to Your Mate. The greatest thing you can
do for your marriage is draw closer and closer
and closer and closer to walk with God. The only
one that can ever satisfy the deepest needs of
your heart and your life is Christ. The only
way that you or I or anyone will be able to treat
our mates in a way that will cultivate and develop
them becoming who God wants them to become is
when God gives that to us by the Holy Spirit,
through the Lord Jesus, through His Word, and
the community of God's people. And so it's super
counterintuitive. We're all human. We just so
want that other person to come through for us.
And so what I want to do now is I want to talk
about how to effectively communicate. And when
I talk about communication, not so much in the
classical, the meeting of meanings. That's, I
think, a good definition of communication. It's
the privilege of exchanging vulnerabilities in
the words of Norm Wright. It's the process of
sharing yourself verbally and non -verbally in
such a way that the other person can both accept
and understand what you're saying. God's love
to the person he gave you. The gift that he gave
you, this person. How do you communicate that?
And you'll notice on the top of your notes, it's
more than just words, right? I mean, we know
that, right? 70 % is nonverbal. 38 % is your
tone of voice. 55 % is facial expressions, gestures,
posture, right? I mean, I can say, I can look
at my wife and say, yeah, I love you. Right?
Yeah, I'll do that. With my hands on my hips.
And I've communicated anything but what my words
were. But it's more than just listening and understanding
your life partner. Those are skills too. One
of the great benefits of counseling is I got
to hear my wife's story. I got to hear what it
was like growing up. And as I did, my empathy
instead of frustration grew. I got to hear what
it was like to deeply, deeply love someone and
be rejected and have your husband abandon you.
I recognized the level of wounds and pain that
she had that I just glossed over because I loved
her. And I didn't realize that when I said even
what I thought was not even a harsh word, but
just had a tone of rejection, that what I thought
was a one or two registered about an eight or
a nine to her. There's so much more than just
understanding and listening and developing skills.
I want to encourage you that biblical communication
is the transfer of God's love. And underline
each one of these words in meaningful, understandable,
supernatural ways through you to your mate. It's
kind of hard to grasp that other than the Lord
Jesus himself, other than the spirit of God living
inside your spouse, the number one agent of expressing
God's love to your mate is you. Isn't that, I
mean, that's sobering. There's great books, if
you haven't read something like Gary Chapman's
The Five Love Languages. I mean, I had no idea.
I was so ignorant. I just thought however I felt
loved, that's what I would give my wife, and
certainly it would be meaningful to her. And
I learned there was five different love languages,
and mine was verbal affirmation and physical
touch, and hers were acts of service. And so
I never thought of cleaning the house or helping
with this or doing that. She didn't feel loved
at all when I said, oh, you look beautiful today.
And so there's lots of skills you can learn.
But what I want to walk with you is something
far deeper. And by the way, don't minimize those.
Those have all been very, very helpful. But I
want to talk to you about how do you take a supernatural
love and understanding the very way God feels
about your husband or your wife and how do you
receive it in such a way and then give it unconditionally,
supernaturally, the way that he's given it to
you. Our text is Colossians 3, verses 12 through
17, and it starts out with what we already possess.
So as those who've been chosen of God, holy and
beloved. In other words, as those who are valued,
precious, loved, and secure, deeply loved regardless.
From that position, here's the command. Put on
a heart of compassion. Kindness, humility, gentleness,
and patience. I want you to imagine what it would
be like for you to discover, in fact, that little
word put on, it's an idiomatic expression. It's
literally clothe yourself. In other words, wrap
whoever you are in your personality and your
needs and all that you are, clothe yourself with
this. It's not just the activities, with this
heart of compassion and kindness and humility.
gentleness and patience. And so what I've done
at the bottom of the page is I've given you some
definitions of what these words mean. And if
you have a pen, pull it out because I'll give
you a passage or two where Jesus exemplifies
these. But I want you to listen, not just with
sort of your academic, oh, yes, I want to understand
what that word means, but I want you to listen
to this is what compassion is, and I want to
learn, almighty God, to have a heart where I
would pass this on to my husband. I would pass
this on to my wife. So putting on a heart of
compassion, compassion is empathy to action versus
being cynical. It's one thing to identify, to
feel. Empathy means you so understand how the
other person is hurting or is wounded or feeling
rejected, but you so feel it that you're compelled
to act. You're moved out of their pain. You're
moved out of their situation. You're moved. And
it's not just... You feel for them, but you feel
to the level that you have to act. If you ever
want to do an interesting word study, get your
Strong's Concordance out and look up this word,
compassion. The word in Greek is splachna. And
just look wherever you find this word with Jesus.
And what you will find is every time this word
is used in connection with Jesus, Deeply identifies.
The Greek word has to do with coming out of the
bowels. The idea is it means it's something so
deep within you. You so identify with the hurt
and the need and the struggle and the hopelessness
and the pain that this other person is going
through. You're just compelled to act. Matthew
9, 36. Jesus looked at the multitudes. And when
he saw the multitudes, he said they were. helpless
and hopeless. They were downcast like sheep without
a shepherd. And if you know anything about sheep,
the word downcast is if a sheep is lying down
and eating, sheep are very interesting animals.
I think it's why God calls us that. If they tilt
and they roll up on their side, they can't get
up. They can't get up. If there's not a shepherd,
they just die. And often they would eat a lot.
And if they get off balance, if they roll up
on their side, that's a cast sheep. And when
Jesus looked at the multitudes of people, they
left to themselves they're going to die. They're
filled with anger and rage and division and rejection
and pain and poverty and injustice. And he saw
all that. And it says, and he was moved. And
interesting, if you follow his life with this
word. And so he was moved to teach them. Or he
was moved to feed them. Or he was moved to say,
neither do I reject you. Go and sin no more.
Or to forgive them. God longs. You talk about
something that will change your marriage more
than any technique or any skill. You start putting
on a heart of compassion. Study your mate. Study
their family background. Start to notice what
makes them angry, what makes them hurt, where
they struggle. where they feel pain. Think about
what they've been through. Empathy is the first
step to every great relation. It's beginning
to look at life through their lens. The second,
he says, put on a heart of kindness. Kindness
is whatever is helpful, beneficial versus being
critical. It's interesting in Jeremiah 9, 23
and 24. It's this very interesting verse. It's
a very, very sad book. You know, the people have
worshiped idols. God has given them chance after
chance after chance after chance. Finally, judgment
has come. And there's this ray of hope. And then
in chapter nine, he says, let not a wise man
boast in his wisdom and let not a mighty man
boast in his might. Let not a rich man boast
in his riches. But let him who boasts boast in
this, that he both understands and knows me,
that I delight in loving kindness, justice, and
righteousness. The kindest person in the earth
is God. It is the kindness of God that leads
to repentance. Every breath you take. Every blessing
in your life, every good and perfect gift comes
from above, from the Father of lights, with whom
there's no variation or shifting shadow. To begin
to see your mate and get up in the morning and
say, what would a kind act look like? What would
uplift her day? What would make his day? What
small thing could I do? What word of encouragement?
What's something that's special to them? It's
just being helpful. I mean, I learned so much
of all these things, just the hard way and the
slow way. And it was just a battle all the time.
And I wanted my way and she wanted her way. And,
you know, her dad was Mr. Fix -It and always
filled the car with gas and fixed everything.
And I couldn't fix anything if my life depended
on it. But in her mind, that's what a man did.
And it took me years to realize. not being asked,
but noticing that the trash is full and just
taking it out meant I love you to her. I mean,
it's not like that hard. You know, you like pull
it up, get the strings, you know, like I can
actually do it. But for the first 10, five years,
I didn't even notice it. And what would that
have to do with I love you? Because I didn't
understand her, but I didn't take the time to
understand her. I was so preoccupied with what
she wasn't doing to meet my needs or measuring
up to my, quote, invisible standard instead of
asking, how am I doing meeting hers? Kindness.
A thousand little things. Remember when you were
dating? It kind of came naturally, didn't it?
The note. The unexplained phone call. You know?
Most of us were pretty poor when we were dating
and coming home with like two flowers instead
of a dozen. Knowing that she kind of likes that
kind of chocolate or this is really what says
I love you to him and can't wait till you get
home. I've farmed out the kids. We're going to
have a great evening. Kindness. Third is humility.
It means putting their needs first. It's the
posture of a servant. By the way, I didn't give
you one for Jesus on kindness. Just jot down
John chapter four and think of a Jew and a Samaritan
woman who's been married five times who's shacking
up with someone. And Jesus' response is, would
you like a drink? Would you like some living
water so you don't have to keep coming back here?
Kindness. Someone who feels rejected and unworthy.
Would you mind helping me? Do you realize sometimes
the kindest thing you can do is say, I need your
help. A person feels deeply valued. Excuse me,
but could you, I don't have anything. Could you
get me a drink of water? See, empathy and kindness
flows out of concern for a person that doesn't
judge them. Humility. It's putting the needs
of the other person first. Philippians chapter
two, verses five through 11 are the key passage.
We're told, have this attitude in yourselves,
which was also in Christ Jesus. Although he existed
in the form of God, he didn't regard equality
with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself.
Literally, he veiled his attributes, taking the
form of a bondservant and becoming obedient.
to the point of death, even death on a shameful
cross is the idea. Therefore, God highly exalted
him, it goes on to say. Because of his humility,
every knee will bow, every tongue will confess
in heaven, on earth, and under the earth that
Jesus Christ is Lord. Humility isn't thinking
too high of yourself. It's not thinking too low
of yourself. It's not being too positive about
yourself, too negative about yourself. It's not
thinking about yourself. It's having a sober
self -assessment of these are my strengths, these
are my weaknesses, but the mark of humility is
self -forgetfulness. In verse 5 of Philippians
2, he says, have this attitude in yourselves
because in verse 3 and 4, he gave him a command.
He said, do nothing out of selfishness or empty
conceit, but with humility of mind. consider
others more important than yourself. Don't just
look out for your own personal interest, but
also the interest of others. If there is a quality,
if there's a singular quality that will change
your marriage, it's learning and going into training
in the practice of humility. I don't think you
ever get humble, but I think you practice humility
to the point that little by little by little,
You are a lot more humble more times than you're
not. At the heart of all your relational problems,
my relational problems is pride. One of my favorite
authors is a guy named Gary Thomas. And this
is a book about the virtues. And he talks about
humility. And he says, while pride is the father
of hate and dissension, humility is the mother
of love and unity. Without humility, we become
thoroughly disagreeable and demanding characters.
John of the Cross tells us that from humility
stems the love of neighbor, for we will esteem
them and not judge them. Estrangement, hate,
anger, bitterness, and resentment are the killers
of human relationships, and they're all born
out of judgment. Think about someone. I'd like
you to do this, or maybe even think about times
with your mate. Think about someone that you
cannot get along with. If you're honest, somewhere
along the line, you've judged them. You haven't
esteemed them very highly. In fact, you've elevated
yourself over them. Maybe he or she was wrong,
but were you absolutely right? And they certainly
have faults that you rehearse in your mind, but
you have faults as well. Years ago, he writes,
And that's the greatest thing that I should expect
from it. Once I understood this, the nature of
marriage underwent a distinctly radical shift
in my mind. When I was married for happiness,
I went through the inevitable seasons of unhappiness.
or just the routines of life, and I assumed my
unhappiness means that Lisa wasn't measuring
up. I judged her failings, and she judged mine.
When I realized I was married for holiness, I
never measured up, and I became more satisfied
with my wife as I focused on what I needed to
change. My growth was not dependent on Lisa changing,
but on my attitude and my perspective of changing.
What is divorce but millions of spouses saying,
You're not good enough for me. This lack of humility
is destroying families and lives. Humility is
something that you just don't get overnight.
And just in times when you actually do put the
person first, if you're not careful, you'll start
going, you know, if she was more like this or
if he was more like this, this marriage would
be a whole lot better because when you do it,
there's a joy that you get and then you got to
be careful because then you can get this air
of superiority and you get proud about your humility.
Earlier in this chapter, he says, set your mind
on the things that are above and I don't know
about you, but I didn't learn much of that growing
up. But did you ever? Did you ever just find
yourself maybe reading toward that early part
of Revelation, you know, where the angels are
going, holy, holy, holy, Lord God Almighty, you
know? How awesome. Myriads of myriads and thousands
of angels worshiping God the Father and the Lamb.
Did you realize that for all eternity past, that
was Jesus' experience? And his humility was he
left the worship of angels. as the most supreme
creator, sustainer, being who spoke the galaxies
into existence and came born as a hopeless, vulnerable
baby by himself. And that he went through the
rigors of humanity and rejection. He came to
his own and those who were his own did not receive
him. And why? It was for the joy set before him,
he endured the cross. In the omniscience of God,
looking down the tunnel of being outside and
seeing all things of time, he saw you. And he
said, it is worth it to leave that glory, to
take on human flesh, to live a perfect life,
to die for you, unfairly, to be rejected. To
be stripped naked. To feel the rejection of the
Father when he took your sin and my sin. And
he says, remember when he told the disciples,
this is sort of missing in Christianity today.
He didn't say, follow me and you'll feel good.
Follow me and you'll be happy. Follow me and
you'll be upwardly mobile. Follow me and everything
will go out right. Follow me and all your desires
will be fulfilled. He said, follow me. Take up
your cross. Deny yourself. And walk in the same
manner that I walk. Because unless a grain of
wheat fall into the earth and die, it remains
by itself alone. But if it dies, it brings forth
much fruit. At the heart of my human marriage
struggles is I need to die to myself. And I need
to be co -resurrected and live with the perspective.
To put on a heart each and every day. The reason
I go over this each and every day, I pray this
each and every day. God, today, please, give
me a heart of compassion. First for Teresa and
then for everyone I meet. God, please, give me
a heart of kindness. Help me to see through your
eyes. I was yesterday just in between times and
I went to a little coffee shop and I got a cup
of coffee and there was a, Let me just say this
nicely. A very sad, unattractive woman who gave
me my coffee, and I asked her, how are you doing?
And she looked at me with these sad eyes and
said, okay. And she didn't have to say much more,
but there's a man that gave me a checkbook, and
he put $5 ,000 in it, and he says, meet me in
three months. And I have money, but I don't have
a whole lot of time. I own this company, and
you're a pastor in this high -need area. Whenever
you find someone that can't pay their electricity,
you find a girl that was going to abort her baby,
whatever you need to do, you just, just for me,
you just pay for it. And so I found myself in
these early years and, and at first it was like
this huge responsibility. And then it was like,
I kept this checkbook back in the days when people
had checkbooks. In my back pocket. And I'd be
at a grocery store and here'd be a young mom
and I found out she was abandoned by her husband
and three kids and they're crying and she's putting
groceries back because she can't afford it. And
I was able to come by and say, no. I ended up
walking around the grocery store and I heard
her story and I paid for all of her groceries
and I filled her car with gas. Who do you think
left filled with joy? And I made that a habit.
You know, in the early years I couldn't do very
much so maybe $5 bills. Then his life got a little
bit better, $20 bills. And, you know, his life
even got a little bit better. When I travel,
just certain times, I keep like $400 or $500
bills. And I just think, God, if there's someone,
you know, the people, I'm in airports a lot.
You know those people that clean the restrooms
in the airports? I walk in and I see a man who's,
you know, 66, 68, 70 years old, gray, bent over.
And at this stage of his life, he's cleaning
the trash cans in airports. And this isn't natural
for me. But God, I want to see him. He's so valuable
to you. Does anyone say that? I want him to know.
And I keep those $100 bills. And just only when
God prompts me, I say, excuse me. Thank you so
much for what you're doing here, keeping this
clean. The Lord Jesus told me that he... He knows
what you're doing and he sees you and he cares
about you. And I give him, I just fold it up
so he can't see how much it is. And then I leave.
You know who's changed the most? Me. It's not
because I gave him $100. It's because it's in
my pocket. I'm looking every day for someone
that God wants to be kind to, that he wants me
to be the conduit through. Do you understand
what happened? New classes. You look differently.
This is what he's saying. And if that happens
out there, can you imagine what would happen
if you said, oh, Lord, what would it look like
to be generous to my husband today? What would
it look like to be generous to my wife or one
of my children? The next is gentleness. It's
strength under control, especially your emotions.
Matthew 11, 28, Jesus, it's that great invitation.
People were hassled and stressed out. You understand,
when Jesus came, 80 % of the Roman world was
slaves. Rome was just flat brutal. I mean, the
majority of small children died. The rule of
Rome was, When a child was born, it was brought
to his father. And if it was a girl, often, I
don't want a girl. And it would just be killed.
Or laid on the trash heap and the Christians
would go and rescue it. A little cleft lip, a
little imperfection, the father would do this,
kill it. It's in this harsh, just terrible environment
that Jesus said, those of you that are weary,
Come to me. Take my yoke upon you and learn from
me. Here's our word. For I am gentle and lowly
of spirit. Take my yoke upon you. My burden is
easy. My load is light. It's a picture, you know,
of the oxen that have this yoke. And Jesus says,
I'm on this side. I want you to come and let's
do life together. This isn't a God whose arms
are crossed and toe tapping and, you know, looking
at your morality and why don't you go to church
more? Why don't you read the Bible more? You
know, why are you looking at pornography and
why did you blow up one more time? Bad, bad,
bad, bad, bad. This is God who says, aren't you
tired of all of that? Come, come, let's get hooked
up together. Let me, let me walk with you. I'm
gentle. The word was used in classical Greek
of a wild, powerful stallion. that had been tamed.
In other words, it's extraordinary power under
control. Jesus didn't stay on the cross because
he had to. Jesus stayed on the cross because
he was gentle. His power was under control. He
didn't demand his rights for legions of angels
to come and say, this is unfair, this is wrong,
wipe him out. He goes, no, I am willing. to withhold
my rights and channel my power for the benefit
of others. It's the opposite of being harsh,
demanding, arms crossed. Those looks that say
to your mate, did you do that again? The look
that says, don't you ever do anything right to
one of your kids. It's gentle. It's approachable.
Put on a heart of patience. It means to endure
with a good attitude. 2 Peter 3 .9 says, you
know, people, he was talking about, he's coming
back. And everyone goes, yeah, yeah, right, he's
coming back. You've been saying that for a long
time. And Peter says, you don't understand. God
is not slow as some think slow. For to him, a
day in a thousand years is the same. He is patient,
macrothumos. Can you hear the two words? Macrothumos,
heat. It's dispersed. wants all to be saved,
to all to come to repentance. It's putting up
with, enduring. One more time, one more time.
I'm not going to give up. We're going to keep
working at this. Jesus was patient with the disciples.
Do you realize the only time, read all the Gospels,
And then list all the things he criticizes them
for. All the times he comes down on them, criticizes
them. We get one clear time when Peter gets very
self -focused in his agenda and his kingdom.
I can't imagine Jesus looking you right in the
eyeballs and saying, get behind me, Satan. The
only time he reproves them is, oh, you of little
faith. Did you ever wonder, so what does God
really want from me? How do you become a good
Christian? I mean, what's he really, really want?
You ready for this? They ask him that in John
6. He said, this is the work of God that you
believe in whom he has sent. You know, the greatest
question you can ask yourself every single day,
you might write this down. What does it look
like to trust God in this situation? What does
it look like to trust God with how he's acting
right now? What's it look like to trust God with
these finances? What's it look like to trust
God with this deployment? What's it look like
to trust God when the biopsy report comes back?
Positive. What's it look like to trust God with
a wayward child? What's it look like to trust
God when you don't like where you live? What's
it look like to trust God with overcoming the
infidelity of your mate? What's it look like
to trust God with the infidelity that you had?
and the guilt that you share. See, you can be
moral. You can go to church. You can read your
Bible. Without faith, it's impossible to please
Him. Faith is nothing more or nothing less is
believing in God's character and God's promises
to the point of acting on them. Faith isn't some
ooey -gooey feeling. Oh, I think I got it. I
think I got faith. I believe you. I believe you.
Faith is a picture of a bridge. And we think
faith is this rickety bridge like on one of those,
you know, Indiana Jones movies and there's missing
pieces and there's superheroes and, oh, we're
going to make it. And they take two steps and
they almost fall through and then they get to
the other side and we think, oh, Indiana Jones
Christians, they have such faith. That's not
faith. This is faith biblically. Steel, concrete's
three feet thick. It's the object of your faith.
God says this will hold me up. Let's walk across.
That's why you don't need a lot of faith. Jesus
said you need the faith of a mustard seed. It's
the object of your faith. What if there is an
all -powerful, all -knowing God who died, rose
from the dead, who dwells inside of you, and
the same power that raised him from the dead
dwells inside of you, and apart from him you
can do nothing, but in Christ you can do all
things. And you just say, okay, I can forgive
him. Okay, well, I guess we'll cut our budget.
I don't know how we're going to make it financially,
but we're going to keep moving forward. Okay?
It's a wayward child. We can't control him. We're
going to trust God. We're going to get good counseling.
Here's the path. Lord, you love him more than
we do. You love her more than we do. It's faith.
Patience. Have a little tool. Because you're
thinking. How could I practically. Chip this
sounds good. Hard. By the way it's not hard.
Okay. Don't look at this list and go. Oh that's
hard. It's not hard. It's impossible. No no.
You need to understand that. Now you can. I mean
you can put in some effort. And you could do
a little bit better on these. Out of your strength.
But after. It won't take long. Maybe a couple
weeks. For some of you really. You know. Hardcore
people, disciplined people, self -starter people.
But two weeks, if you don't see results after
doing these, you'd give up. This is not hard.
It's impossible. The only way to do this is what?
You need to believe I'm chosen. I'm holy. I'm
dearly loved. I keep getting from God each and
every day everything I need so I can, are you
ready? Put on a heart of compassion, kindness,
humility. gentleness, and patience. I'm going
to give you just a little tool. You can write
it at the bottom of the page. I call this little
tool, I know you really care when. Okay, just
write that. I know you really care when. Because
some of you are thinking, I want to be compassionate
and I want to be gentle. Okay, Chip, I really
want to be all this, but I'm not sure what it
would look like. I can't read her mind. I can't
read his mind. Here's what you do. There's a
little column. And, you know, if you're a husband,
you write, I know you really care, speaking to
your wife, when you, one, two, three. Just write
the top three. You can go five if you want. But,
I mean, give her a break. Just write, I feel
loved when you, and just write the top three
things that when she does them, you feel loved.
Ladies, you write, here's the top three things.
You can go four or five. I feel most loved when
you, and just write him. And then just exchange
lists. So we've made this whole thing about it
has to be so spontaneous and if he could read
my mind or if she would only know. You know,
I did this with my wife. We were struggling.
The counselor gave us this tool, okay? Everything
I give you, I got out of counseling. So, but
it's like, okay, here's the top thing. When you
take out the trash, when you help with this,
when you help with the kid's homework, I'm thinking,
what in the world's this got to do with love?
And finally I said, it doesn't matter what I
think. If this makes her feel loved, guess what?
I love her. Guess what? I made a vow. Guess what?
I'm committed to her. So she made a list and
I just decided I'm going to do at least one of
those things every day. If nothing else, at least,
you know. Every day, she is going to get loved
by me with some compassion and gentleness and
vice versa. Try it. You'll like it. Okay, shift
the page because what I have said to you so far
can only happen if something else happens. This
is the clothing metaphor. That word put on, put
off, put on, put off. Here's what you need to
get. You cannot put on the new until you take
off the old. Notice what he says here. The clothing
metaphor is crucial to biblical communication.
Old clothes must be taken off. Open your Bible
if you're not already there. We're in Colossians
chapter 3. And after he says to set your mind
on the things above, he says, put to death. I'm
in verse 5. Whatever belongs to your earthly
nature. Well, what's that? Sexual immorality,
impurity, lust, evil desires, greed, which is
idolatry. Why? Because of these, the wrath of
God is coming. And then he reminds them like
he reminds us. You used to walk in these things
in the life that you once lived. Now get this.
Here's the new. But now you must rid yourselves
of such things as anger. rage, malice, slander,
filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to
each other. Why? Since you have taken off, it's
a metaphor, your old self with its practices.
But that's not the end of it. And have put on
the new self, which is being renewed, mind renewal.
How? In the knowledge, in the image of its creator.
You have to Take off the old. Old life of anger,
logging on to porn, flirting with other people,
spending money I don't have, yelling, screaming,
abusive language, wanting my own way. Get rid
of it all. That's what he's saying. And put on.
Put on the new self. It's a journey. It's a process.
You renew your mind. You ask, who are the people
in my life that keep pulling me that way? What
am I putting into my mind? Whether it's on a
video, whether it's Netflix, whether it's porn,
whether it's a relationship that keeps telling
me, hey, why don't you come with us and do this?
Whether it's a temptation. Remember the passage
where Jesus said, if your right eye is causing
you to sin, pluck it out? Remember that one?
Now, some people took that literally, which is
very foolish, because if you pluck out your right
eye, I have got news for you. You can lust with
your left. If your right hand causes you to sin,
what do you say? Cut it off. Well, I got news.
You can still steal with your left hand. It was
an idiomatic expression, but here's what he was
saying. You be as radical as you need to be.
To take off the impurities and the things that
pull you away from first the Lord Jesus and second
from your most important relationships. I remember
a guy called me that I knew fairly well and he
talked about an emotional affair he was having.
A godly man, great family, found himself in this.
If you, don't want to be too graphic here. Often
when affairs happen, it's just crazy. There's
this chemistry like a magnet towards someone.
And by the way, the proverb says that the enemy
uses these kind of things to undermine. He wants
to destroy you, destroy your marriage. And he
was right here. He goes, you know, I'm just...
I find myself dressing a little better. I think
about her. We both know when I'm next to her.
And he goes, Chip, I'm calling you. I didn't
even want to talk to my pastor. What should I
do? I said, be as radical as you need to be.
I said, if you need to quit your job, God has
another job. But I'll tell you, this will destroy
your life. He said, yeah, I mean, this is getting,
this is getting, I know where this is going.
We both talked about it. We both talked about
the impact. And by the way, when your emotions
get here, your IQ drops by 100 points. I kid
you not. Infatuation causes you to think things,
do things, and perceive things in ways that only
idiots think. And then you wake up alone and
with half your money going somewhere else and
with kids who said, I thought you loved me and
a mate whose life you made a vow to and you're
in the process of ruining. I've lived on the
other side. I bet it was 15 years of a journey
of healing, of watching my wife overcome what
it was like to be rejected by this unbeliever.
I watched what it did to my little boys. I still
remember the emotional connection. They were
11 years old and I went to my mentor and I said,
I'm really, really trying to be a great dad.
It's been six years. You know, we're fine, but
you know that connection, that connection, that
connection. I said, Chip, do you understand what
they've been through? I said, intellectually.
I said, what do I do? He just looked at me and
he goes, love them. Just love them. Just keep
loving them. So I don't know where you're at.
But I can tell you for sure, your marriage will
be something you never dreamed it could be, and
it won't be easy if you put on a heart of compassion,
kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.
But you can't put that on unless you take off
anger and rage and malice and slander and abusive
speech. I have videos that go in my mind of when
I've... done those things, acted that way, felt
those emotions? Put it off. Now, let's get real
positive because many of you are very convicted
right now and you know what you need to put off.
So I'm not going to take you off a hook, all
right? But don't go to bed tonight. You hear
me? This is an order from the commander -in -chief
of the universe. And it's not because he's mad.
He wants to rescue you. Listen to him. Do what
he says. But here's what I want you to get. The
new self requires new clothes. Here's the principle.
Who we are determines how we dress. Now, all
of you were a bride. Do you remember that day?
You were the bride. So because you were the bride,
how did you dress? How did you dress? I mean,
you spent at least four hours. I still remember.
I had three boys and a girl, so I've only had
one wedding where I got really inside. I mean,
my lands. They did her hair. They did her nails.
They did the dress. It was like a four or five
hour getting ready. Why? Because she wanted to
be beautiful and awesome for her husband. Who
you are determines how you dress. Who are you?
You're a daughter of the living God. You're a
son of the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords.
So how do you dress? You dress in a way that's
appropriate. I want you to imagine in your mind's
eye, and maybe some of you have been there, but
you're going to receive the distinguished medal
of honor. How would you dress for the occasion?
Jeans? Flip -flops? I don't think so. See, you
dress. That's why. I can give you tools galore.
I can give you all kind of techniques, and there's
a place for them. Until you start to believe
that you are chosen, that you are set apart and
holy, and that you're deeply, powerfully, unconditionally
loved, you'll never dress that way. The great
majority of Christians are living for God's approval
instead of from God's approval, and the difference
is night and day. When you live from God's approval,
when I carry that money in my pocket or when
I choose to do things for Teresa, I'm not doing
it because God goes, okay, on the big refrigerator
in heaven, hey guys, three more stars for Chip.
It doesn't work that way. When I do something
like that, it's, God, you've been so kind and
so compassionate and so patient with me. You
have so humbled yourself to stoop, to die in
my place. You have been so gracious to cause
your spirit to dwell inside of me, to guide me.
You have in supernatural ways provided access
where I not only have the mind of Christ, but
you've given me your word. And you've told me
that if I come to you, you'll renew my mind and
you'll make me more and more like Jesus. As I
soak that in, what happens? From God's approval,
You love. I have been on a journey for 40 years
to try and believe and feel and accept that God
loves me for me. Some of you grew up in homes
like I did. My dad's idea of love was you went
three for four. What happened? You know, Chip,
how many times have I told you when that curveball
comes on the inside, you step in the bucket.
That's why you grind it out the shortstop. Come
on, son. Step it up. Four A's and a B. Son, give
me your report card. What happened here? Now,
he loved me, and he thought that would, you know,
I got one degree, so when are you going to get
your master's? Got that degree, when are you
going to get that? When are you going to get
that? I finally came at about 35. I will never
live up to my dad's expectations. And somehow
I translated that to that's how God was, and
he's not. God loves you for you. If you never
did anything, he loves you. He died for you while
you were still a sinner. While you were his enemy.
So here's the problem. We have settled for techniques
and self -help tools to change how we speak and
to modify our emotions and behaviors to improve
compatibility. I think so much of what we do
in our marriages is how do we get along better?
rather than focusing on the deep -rooted transformation
of our hearts, which empowers us to give life
-giving love of Christ to our mates. That's where
the real action is. The solution is threefold.
Number one, don't buy the lie. I am what I have,
possessions. I am what I accomplish, performance.
I am what others think of me, popularity. Most
of us at some level live with the if -then, if
-then. If I become, then I'll be a somebody.
If I possess, then I'm a somebody. If I get a
higher rank, if I make more money, if I drive
this kind of car, if someday I can, if so many
people have likes on Facebook, if I finally get
my own, if I finally, then, lie, lie, lie, lie,
lie. I live in the Silicon Valley, and for reasons
I don't understand, I've discipled a lot of people
that are the wealthiest. I mean, I know three
billionaires. Not these three. I have never seen
people with so much money and so much sorrow
who really thought that when they went public,
when they had a few million or 10 million or
100 million or a billion, and you know what?
It doesn't matter. The human heart. I've literally
sat in a room with someone who is worth over
a billion dollars and said, you know, I just
don't feel comfortable giving if my cash flow
goes down between 500 million. And I just thought
the deceptive of the human heart. And before
I got very judgmental, God said, what's your
number, Chip? Because I have one and you have
one. All I want you to know is that it's a mirage.
Don't buy the lie. You're already valuable. You
matter. Those things are things to steward. Second,
dress appropriately for your mate. Jim Burns
is a counselor, a teacher, a friend, and he says
practice awe, A -W -E, affirmation, warmth, and
encouragement. This is what to do with your mate.
And it's just a good little acronym. Do you understand
that for every negative comment, your mate needs
about 10 positive ones? You need to, you know,
a business principal, I have a friend who's a
really, really effective businessman. And one
day he said, Chip, you know, our staff was growing.
And he goes, Chip, do you want to be a really
good leader and manager? I said, well, yeah.
He goes, whatever you praise, that's what you
get. He said, quit looking for what people were
doing wrong and start catching him doing things
right. And the moment you find, hey, wow, thanks
for coming in a little bit early today. Boy,
that was a great report. How long did that take?
Well, thanks for doing that. Hey, I really appreciate
that. And he said, if you will praise and affirm,
he said, we're all, we're human beings. We all
long. Ask yourself, how much affirmation? And
I don't mean Pollyanna making stuff up. But I
mean affirming your mate and warmth. There's
an atmosphere that's acceptable, that's caring,
that's, you know, so often for some of you, like
on your way home or just before, I don't know
how it works, who works where and does what,
but before I walk in the door, I have a little
process I go through driving on the way home
that thinks, I need to get my mind, because I'm
thinking this, this, this. Okay, I'm going to
walk in. Okay, where's her day been today? What
did she do? Where is she going to be at emotionally?
And what does she need the moment I walk in the
door? And you know how I learned that? By not
doing that a lot. And I will tell you, for years,
I mean, we had kids, and I ended up pastoring
a church that's pretty good size and a lot of
demand. And one of the things, we ate as a family.
I bet four or five nights, 530, we ate as a family.
We shared around the table. We prayed around
the table. Man, that was the link. But when I
came home, I just thought every woman did this.
When I came home, my wife knew when I was coming
home, she went, she put on fresh makeup. I came
home every day to a wife. that looked and cared
and created an invitation of warmth. I can get
someone with their hair pulled back in sweatpants
who look like she hadn't showered in a couple
days. The people that your husband's working
with or vice versa, they come put together. My
wife created this atmosphere of warmth, of acceptance,
and then encouragement. How do you lift them
up? You know, a little act here. Hey, is there
anything I can do to give you a hand? I found,
are you ready for this? I found the counseling,
out of the counseling, that running the vacuum
was one of the most romantic things I could ever
do. I'll tell you what, if running the vacuum
a few times means we have a romantic night, hey,
honey, give me that Hoover, baby. Hey, you know.
But we all get loved in different ways. It's
a heart of compassion. It's kindness. It's humility.
And then we're going to, Wrap it with this. Have
at least two couples conferences per week. I
paid a lot of money for this and you get it for
free. So you don't have to say thank you right
now. But here's a conference. We didn't know
how to communicate. Okay, I want you to imagine.
Okay, here we go. Here we go. Here we go. This
is, okay, you're going to do this today. You
sit like this. Your mate sits like this. You
make eye contact. You lean forward. And as the
man, you say, what are you concerned about? And
then visually, we'll put duct tape over your
mouth and lean forward. Ladies, here's what you
do. Anything that comes to your mind. It doesn't
have to be, I'm concerned about one of our kids.
I'm concerned about our relationship. I'm concerned
about, you know, we don't have enough money.
I'm concerned about your mom's health. And ladies,
just until you can't think of anything else,
guys, hang in there. They get shorter after a
while. And then when you're done, and by the
way, men, say nothing. The only thing you can
do is nod and say, anything else? Okay, that's
it. If you fix it, so help me, I'll knock you
out. So then she says, what are you concerned
about? And don't give her, not much. Everything's
okay. She's been hearing that for years. I want
you to sit there and go, well, I'm concerned
I might get deployed. My supervisor, I think,
is an unfair situation. I'm concerned about one
of our sons. I'm concerned about our money, too.
Gosh, I don't know if my mom's going to live
or not. And then second question, you say to
your wife, what do you wish? And by the way,
again, it can be, I wish we'd win the lottery.
I wish we could get relocated. I wish our marriage
would be 10 times better than it is now. Go easy
on that one. I wish we could go to Disneyland.
I wish we get a check in the mail for $100 ,000.
I wish, I wish, whatever. And then you get it.
Don't interrupt her. I wish. And then the last
question is, what are you willing to do? And
here's the rule. You don't have to do anything.
But here's what the conference does. It can take
15, 20 minutes. Without arguing, what happens
is you are going to hear all the things that
are weighing down your partner's life, the burdens.
And you're going to hear, if you chose to, where
you could put wind in their sails. And so without
arguing, without putting things, without trying
to fix anything, all of a sudden, here's all
the things that's weighing him down. Here's all
the things that are weighing her down. Here's
all the things that she wishes. Here's all the
things he wishes. I remember the first one we
had, I listened to all this. She was overwhelmed
with our kids coming home with math homework.
And we were not doing all that well. So I took
a baby step. I'll take over the math homework.
And she looked at me and said, really? I'm good
in math. I'm not good in the other stuff. Yeah.
And I mean, two weeks later, she goes, Chip,
I said, what? I'm not sure I've ever felt more
loved when you said that. And now every night
you do math. I'm thinking, one, it was really
easy. And two, part of it was they were working
their mom. I just said, hey, do it again. I'll
be back in about five minutes. There's something
about a Marine dad that's pretty good. My biggest
act of humility was I was so embarrassed to go
to counseling. I was so embarrassed to sit in
a room where someone might walk in and go, oh,
there's a seminary student. He needs counseling.
And the reason I would be embarrassed is because
I was arrogant and proud. And your pride and
your arrogance will keep you. God is opposed
to the proud but gives grace to the humble. His
grace always flows downhill. When he finds a
man or a woman and says, I can't do this, will
you help me? The Spirit of God and the grace
of God will rush to meet you. This is Living
on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and we're in our
series called Choosing Love. If you're ready
to turn today's challenge into lasting change,
Chip's newest book, I Choose Love, gives you
the practical roadmap you need. It doesn't just
tell you what to do. It shows you how to do it.
You'll learn to recognize the subtle ways pride
and selfishness sabotage your relationships.
You'll discover practical exercises to develop
genuine humility. And you'll see how choosing
agape love, the sacrificial, others -focused
love of God, transforms even your most difficult
relationships. I Choose Love addresses the real
issues we all face. The tendency to need the
last word. The subtle belief that our perspective
is the truth. The grandiosity that shows up in
small ways like chronic lateness. Chip gets brutally
honest about his own struggles, and he shows
you the path forward. If you're tired of broken
relationships and ready to experience love that
actually works, get your copy of I Choose Love
today. Visit livingontheedge .org. And friend,
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or just call us at 888 -333 -6003. Well, that
wraps up today's episode. Don't miss the next
Bible teaching message coming up here on the
Chip Ingram Sermon Podcast. Today's program is
produced and sponsored by Living on the Edge.