WEBVTT 00:00:00.880 --> 00:00:04.559 This is the Chip Ingram Sermon Podcast, brought 00:00:04.559 --> 00:00:07.719 to you by Living on the Edge. In this podcast, 00:00:07.980 --> 00:00:10.539 you'll hear Chip's teaching unedited and from 00:00:10.539 --> 00:00:14.119 beginning to end. Well, here's Chip with today's 00:00:14.119 --> 00:00:16.960 message titled, Effectively Communicating God's 00:00:16.960 --> 00:00:20.539 Love to Your Mate. The greatest thing you can 00:00:20.539 --> 00:00:25.100 do for your marriage is draw closer and closer 00:00:25.100 --> 00:00:29.480 and closer and closer to walk with God. The only 00:00:29.480 --> 00:00:32.280 one that can ever satisfy the deepest needs of 00:00:32.280 --> 00:00:35.259 your heart and your life is Christ. The only 00:00:35.259 --> 00:00:39.539 way that you or I or anyone will be able to treat 00:00:39.539 --> 00:00:42.240 our mates in a way that will cultivate and develop 00:00:42.240 --> 00:00:45.520 them becoming who God wants them to become is 00:00:45.520 --> 00:00:49.039 when God gives that to us by the Holy Spirit, 00:00:49.140 --> 00:00:51.500 through the Lord Jesus, through His Word, and 00:00:51.500 --> 00:00:54.880 the community of God's people. And so it's super 00:00:54.880 --> 00:00:57.840 counterintuitive. We're all human. We just so 00:00:57.840 --> 00:01:00.219 want that other person to come through for us. 00:01:00.700 --> 00:01:02.859 And so what I want to do now is I want to talk 00:01:02.859 --> 00:01:07.420 about how to effectively communicate. And when 00:01:07.420 --> 00:01:09.980 I talk about communication, not so much in the 00:01:09.980 --> 00:01:12.579 classical, the meeting of meanings. That's, I 00:01:12.579 --> 00:01:16.280 think, a good definition of communication. It's 00:01:16.280 --> 00:01:19.060 the privilege of exchanging vulnerabilities in 00:01:19.060 --> 00:01:21.620 the words of Norm Wright. It's the process of 00:01:21.620 --> 00:01:24.680 sharing yourself verbally and non -verbally in 00:01:24.680 --> 00:01:27.840 such a way that the other person can both accept 00:01:27.840 --> 00:01:38.239 and understand what you're saying. God's love 00:01:38.239 --> 00:01:43.000 to the person he gave you. The gift that he gave 00:01:43.000 --> 00:01:45.420 you, this person. How do you communicate that? 00:01:45.780 --> 00:01:48.459 And you'll notice on the top of your notes, it's 00:01:48.459 --> 00:01:51.319 more than just words, right? I mean, we know 00:01:51.319 --> 00:01:55.659 that, right? 70 % is nonverbal. 38 % is your 00:01:55.659 --> 00:02:00.219 tone of voice. 55 % is facial expressions, gestures, 00:02:00.540 --> 00:02:03.719 posture, right? I mean, I can say, I can look 00:02:03.719 --> 00:02:07.960 at my wife and say, yeah, I love you. Right? 00:02:07.960 --> 00:02:12.020 Yeah, I'll do that. With my hands on my hips. 00:02:12.060 --> 00:02:14.219 And I've communicated anything but what my words 00:02:14.219 --> 00:02:19.439 were. But it's more than just listening and understanding 00:02:19.439 --> 00:02:23.520 your life partner. Those are skills too. One 00:02:23.520 --> 00:02:25.360 of the great benefits of counseling is I got 00:02:25.360 --> 00:02:28.819 to hear my wife's story. I got to hear what it 00:02:28.819 --> 00:02:32.759 was like growing up. And as I did, my empathy 00:02:32.759 --> 00:02:36.099 instead of frustration grew. I got to hear what 00:02:36.099 --> 00:02:40.000 it was like to deeply, deeply love someone and 00:02:40.000 --> 00:02:43.360 be rejected and have your husband abandon you. 00:02:45.379 --> 00:02:48.439 I recognized the level of wounds and pain that 00:02:48.439 --> 00:02:51.199 she had that I just glossed over because I loved 00:02:51.199 --> 00:02:53.960 her. And I didn't realize that when I said even 00:02:53.960 --> 00:02:56.300 what I thought was not even a harsh word, but 00:02:56.300 --> 00:02:59.039 just had a tone of rejection, that what I thought 00:02:59.039 --> 00:03:01.479 was a one or two registered about an eight or 00:03:01.479 --> 00:03:06.849 a nine to her. There's so much more than just 00:03:06.849 --> 00:03:10.490 understanding and listening and developing skills. 00:03:10.729 --> 00:03:13.610 I want to encourage you that biblical communication 00:03:13.610 --> 00:03:18.349 is the transfer of God's love. And underline 00:03:18.349 --> 00:03:22.229 each one of these words in meaningful, understandable, 00:03:22.710 --> 00:03:29.849 supernatural ways through you to your mate. It's 00:03:29.849 --> 00:03:31.969 kind of hard to grasp that other than the Lord 00:03:31.969 --> 00:03:35.310 Jesus himself, other than the spirit of God living 00:03:35.310 --> 00:03:40.189 inside your spouse, the number one agent of expressing 00:03:40.189 --> 00:03:45.830 God's love to your mate is you. Isn't that, I 00:03:45.830 --> 00:03:50.650 mean, that's sobering. There's great books, if 00:03:50.650 --> 00:03:52.590 you haven't read something like Gary Chapman's 00:03:52.590 --> 00:03:55.669 The Five Love Languages. I mean, I had no idea. 00:03:55.750 --> 00:03:59.039 I was so ignorant. I just thought however I felt 00:03:59.039 --> 00:04:01.000 loved, that's what I would give my wife, and 00:04:01.000 --> 00:04:05.159 certainly it would be meaningful to her. And 00:04:05.159 --> 00:04:06.939 I learned there was five different love languages, 00:04:07.039 --> 00:04:09.879 and mine was verbal affirmation and physical 00:04:09.879 --> 00:04:13.460 touch, and hers were acts of service. And so 00:04:13.460 --> 00:04:15.759 I never thought of cleaning the house or helping 00:04:15.759 --> 00:04:19.300 with this or doing that. She didn't feel loved 00:04:19.300 --> 00:04:21.199 at all when I said, oh, you look beautiful today. 00:04:22.420 --> 00:04:25.079 And so there's lots of skills you can learn. 00:04:26.029 --> 00:04:28.029 But what I want to walk with you is something 00:04:28.029 --> 00:04:30.649 far deeper. And by the way, don't minimize those. 00:04:30.810 --> 00:04:33.730 Those have all been very, very helpful. But I 00:04:33.730 --> 00:04:37.709 want to talk to you about how do you take a supernatural 00:04:37.709 --> 00:04:42.149 love and understanding the very way God feels 00:04:42.149 --> 00:04:46.250 about your husband or your wife and how do you 00:04:46.250 --> 00:04:50.029 receive it in such a way and then give it unconditionally, 00:04:50.209 --> 00:04:52.829 supernaturally, the way that he's given it to 00:04:52.829 --> 00:04:57.759 you. Our text is Colossians 3, verses 12 through 00:04:57.759 --> 00:05:01.819 17, and it starts out with what we already possess. 00:05:01.939 --> 00:05:05.939 So as those who've been chosen of God, holy and 00:05:05.939 --> 00:05:10.079 beloved. In other words, as those who are valued, 00:05:10.220 --> 00:05:14.699 precious, loved, and secure, deeply loved regardless. 00:05:15.779 --> 00:05:19.339 From that position, here's the command. Put on 00:05:19.339 --> 00:05:23.339 a heart of compassion. Kindness, humility, gentleness, 00:05:23.600 --> 00:05:27.079 and patience. I want you to imagine what it would 00:05:27.079 --> 00:05:31.240 be like for you to discover, in fact, that little 00:05:31.240 --> 00:05:34.560 word put on, it's an idiomatic expression. It's 00:05:34.560 --> 00:05:37.899 literally clothe yourself. In other words, wrap 00:05:37.899 --> 00:05:40.399 whoever you are in your personality and your 00:05:40.399 --> 00:05:43.379 needs and all that you are, clothe yourself with 00:05:43.379 --> 00:05:45.800 this. It's not just the activities, with this 00:05:45.800 --> 00:05:49.899 heart of compassion and kindness and humility. 00:05:50.379 --> 00:05:52.720 gentleness and patience. And so what I've done 00:05:52.720 --> 00:05:55.160 at the bottom of the page is I've given you some 00:05:55.160 --> 00:05:59.399 definitions of what these words mean. And if 00:05:59.399 --> 00:06:01.160 you have a pen, pull it out because I'll give 00:06:01.160 --> 00:06:06.300 you a passage or two where Jesus exemplifies 00:06:06.300 --> 00:06:09.800 these. But I want you to listen, not just with 00:06:09.800 --> 00:06:12.220 sort of your academic, oh, yes, I want to understand 00:06:12.220 --> 00:06:14.319 what that word means, but I want you to listen 00:06:14.319 --> 00:06:17.500 to this is what compassion is, and I want to 00:06:17.500 --> 00:06:20.860 learn, almighty God, to have a heart where I 00:06:20.860 --> 00:06:23.819 would pass this on to my husband. I would pass 00:06:23.819 --> 00:06:26.839 this on to my wife. So putting on a heart of 00:06:26.839 --> 00:06:30.759 compassion, compassion is empathy to action versus 00:06:30.759 --> 00:06:40.879 being cynical. It's one thing to identify, to 00:06:40.879 --> 00:06:46.899 feel. Empathy means you so understand how the 00:06:46.899 --> 00:06:50.279 other person is hurting or is wounded or feeling 00:06:50.279 --> 00:06:54.579 rejected, but you so feel it that you're compelled 00:06:54.579 --> 00:06:58.600 to act. You're moved out of their pain. You're 00:06:58.600 --> 00:07:02.160 moved out of their situation. You're moved. And 00:07:02.160 --> 00:07:06.660 it's not just... You feel for them, but you feel 00:07:06.660 --> 00:07:10.920 to the level that you have to act. If you ever 00:07:10.920 --> 00:07:14.379 want to do an interesting word study, get your 00:07:14.379 --> 00:07:16.860 Strong's Concordance out and look up this word, 00:07:17.100 --> 00:07:21.240 compassion. The word in Greek is splachna. And 00:07:21.240 --> 00:07:24.560 just look wherever you find this word with Jesus. 00:07:25.439 --> 00:07:28.699 And what you will find is every time this word 00:07:28.699 --> 00:07:34.180 is used in connection with Jesus, Deeply identifies. 00:07:34.180 --> 00:07:36.819 The Greek word has to do with coming out of the 00:07:36.819 --> 00:07:40.740 bowels. The idea is it means it's something so 00:07:40.740 --> 00:07:44.240 deep within you. You so identify with the hurt 00:07:44.240 --> 00:07:47.259 and the need and the struggle and the hopelessness 00:07:47.259 --> 00:07:48.959 and the pain that this other person is going 00:07:48.959 --> 00:07:52.699 through. You're just compelled to act. Matthew 00:07:52.699 --> 00:07:58.339 9, 36. Jesus looked at the multitudes. And when 00:07:58.339 --> 00:08:02.149 he saw the multitudes, he said they were. helpless 00:08:02.149 --> 00:08:06.189 and hopeless. They were downcast like sheep without 00:08:06.189 --> 00:08:08.629 a shepherd. And if you know anything about sheep, 00:08:08.790 --> 00:08:12.250 the word downcast is if a sheep is lying down 00:08:12.250 --> 00:08:14.910 and eating, sheep are very interesting animals. 00:08:15.009 --> 00:08:17.949 I think it's why God calls us that. If they tilt 00:08:17.949 --> 00:08:20.569 and they roll up on their side, they can't get 00:08:20.569 --> 00:08:26.949 up. They can't get up. If there's not a shepherd, 00:08:27.050 --> 00:08:29.889 they just die. And often they would eat a lot. 00:08:30.569 --> 00:08:33.250 And if they get off balance, if they roll up 00:08:33.250 --> 00:08:36.590 on their side, that's a cast sheep. And when 00:08:36.590 --> 00:08:40.049 Jesus looked at the multitudes of people, they 00:08:40.049 --> 00:08:44.110 left to themselves they're going to die. They're 00:08:44.110 --> 00:08:47.370 filled with anger and rage and division and rejection 00:08:47.370 --> 00:08:51.029 and pain and poverty and injustice. And he saw 00:08:51.029 --> 00:08:53.490 all that. And it says, and he was moved. And 00:08:53.490 --> 00:08:55.509 interesting, if you follow his life with this 00:08:55.509 --> 00:08:59.440 word. And so he was moved to teach them. Or he 00:08:59.440 --> 00:09:03.100 was moved to feed them. Or he was moved to say, 00:09:03.220 --> 00:09:05.980 neither do I reject you. Go and sin no more. 00:09:06.019 --> 00:09:10.039 Or to forgive them. God longs. You talk about 00:09:10.039 --> 00:09:11.580 something that will change your marriage more 00:09:11.580 --> 00:09:15.039 than any technique or any skill. You start putting 00:09:15.039 --> 00:09:20.240 on a heart of compassion. Study your mate. Study 00:09:20.240 --> 00:09:23.639 their family background. Start to notice what 00:09:23.639 --> 00:09:26.500 makes them angry, what makes them hurt, where 00:09:26.500 --> 00:09:30.009 they struggle. where they feel pain. Think about 00:09:30.009 --> 00:09:33.690 what they've been through. Empathy is the first 00:09:33.690 --> 00:09:35.730 step to every great relation. It's beginning 00:09:35.730 --> 00:09:38.610 to look at life through their lens. The second, 00:09:38.690 --> 00:09:41.830 he says, put on a heart of kindness. Kindness 00:09:41.830 --> 00:09:45.629 is whatever is helpful, beneficial versus being 00:09:45.629 --> 00:09:49.419 critical. It's interesting in Jeremiah 9, 23 00:09:49.419 --> 00:09:52.360 and 24. It's this very interesting verse. It's 00:09:52.360 --> 00:09:54.679 a very, very sad book. You know, the people have 00:09:54.679 --> 00:09:57.159 worshiped idols. God has given them chance after 00:09:57.159 --> 00:09:59.740 chance after chance after chance. Finally, judgment 00:09:59.740 --> 00:10:02.960 has come. And there's this ray of hope. And then 00:10:02.960 --> 00:10:06.220 in chapter nine, he says, let not a wise man 00:10:06.220 --> 00:10:08.399 boast in his wisdom and let not a mighty man 00:10:08.399 --> 00:10:10.919 boast in his might. Let not a rich man boast 00:10:10.919 --> 00:10:14.419 in his riches. But let him who boasts boast in 00:10:14.419 --> 00:10:17.399 this, that he both understands and knows me, 00:10:17.539 --> 00:10:24.120 that I delight in loving kindness, justice, and 00:10:24.120 --> 00:10:30.320 righteousness. The kindest person in the earth 00:10:30.320 --> 00:10:35.860 is God. It is the kindness of God that leads 00:10:35.860 --> 00:10:41.139 to repentance. Every breath you take. Every blessing 00:10:41.139 --> 00:10:44.080 in your life, every good and perfect gift comes 00:10:44.080 --> 00:10:47.360 from above, from the Father of lights, with whom 00:10:47.360 --> 00:10:51.919 there's no variation or shifting shadow. To begin 00:10:51.919 --> 00:10:54.460 to see your mate and get up in the morning and 00:10:54.460 --> 00:10:58.399 say, what would a kind act look like? What would 00:10:58.399 --> 00:11:01.600 uplift her day? What would make his day? What 00:11:01.600 --> 00:11:04.919 small thing could I do? What word of encouragement? 00:11:05.159 --> 00:11:07.759 What's something that's special to them? It's 00:11:07.759 --> 00:11:12.259 just being helpful. I mean, I learned so much 00:11:12.259 --> 00:11:14.200 of all these things, just the hard way and the 00:11:14.200 --> 00:11:17.220 slow way. And it was just a battle all the time. 00:11:17.240 --> 00:11:19.539 And I wanted my way and she wanted her way. And, 00:11:19.559 --> 00:11:21.919 you know, her dad was Mr. Fix -It and always 00:11:21.919 --> 00:11:23.860 filled the car with gas and fixed everything. 00:11:24.080 --> 00:11:25.860 And I couldn't fix anything if my life depended 00:11:25.860 --> 00:11:28.840 on it. But in her mind, that's what a man did. 00:11:30.039 --> 00:11:34.460 And it took me years to realize. not being asked, 00:11:34.580 --> 00:11:36.799 but noticing that the trash is full and just 00:11:36.799 --> 00:11:40.200 taking it out meant I love you to her. I mean, 00:11:40.200 --> 00:11:42.759 it's not like that hard. You know, you like pull 00:11:42.759 --> 00:11:45.879 it up, get the strings, you know, like I can 00:11:45.879 --> 00:11:50.299 actually do it. But for the first 10, five years, 00:11:50.440 --> 00:11:53.059 I didn't even notice it. And what would that 00:11:53.059 --> 00:11:56.620 have to do with I love you? Because I didn't 00:11:56.620 --> 00:12:00.159 understand her, but I didn't take the time to 00:12:00.159 --> 00:12:03.789 understand her. I was so preoccupied with what 00:12:03.789 --> 00:12:07.470 she wasn't doing to meet my needs or measuring 00:12:07.470 --> 00:12:10.490 up to my, quote, invisible standard instead of 00:12:10.490 --> 00:12:15.990 asking, how am I doing meeting hers? Kindness. 00:12:16.929 --> 00:12:20.250 A thousand little things. Remember when you were 00:12:20.250 --> 00:12:22.690 dating? It kind of came naturally, didn't it? 00:12:22.730 --> 00:12:28.230 The note. The unexplained phone call. You know? 00:12:28.720 --> 00:12:30.240 Most of us were pretty poor when we were dating 00:12:30.240 --> 00:12:31.799 and coming home with like two flowers instead 00:12:31.799 --> 00:12:36.539 of a dozen. Knowing that she kind of likes that 00:12:36.539 --> 00:12:41.259 kind of chocolate or this is really what says 00:12:41.259 --> 00:12:43.740 I love you to him and can't wait till you get 00:12:43.740 --> 00:12:46.460 home. I've farmed out the kids. We're going to 00:12:46.460 --> 00:12:52.659 have a great evening. Kindness. Third is humility. 00:12:53.539 --> 00:12:57.860 It means putting their needs first. It's the 00:12:57.860 --> 00:13:01.259 posture of a servant. By the way, I didn't give 00:13:01.259 --> 00:13:03.320 you one for Jesus on kindness. Just jot down 00:13:03.320 --> 00:13:09.879 John chapter four and think of a Jew and a Samaritan 00:13:09.879 --> 00:13:12.940 woman who's been married five times who's shacking 00:13:12.940 --> 00:13:18.759 up with someone. And Jesus' response is, would 00:13:18.759 --> 00:13:24.559 you like a drink? Would you like some living 00:13:24.559 --> 00:13:26.340 water so you don't have to keep coming back here? 00:13:29.120 --> 00:13:33.080 Kindness. Someone who feels rejected and unworthy. 00:13:33.860 --> 00:13:36.200 Would you mind helping me? Do you realize sometimes 00:13:36.200 --> 00:13:39.360 the kindest thing you can do is say, I need your 00:13:39.360 --> 00:13:42.580 help. A person feels deeply valued. Excuse me, 00:13:42.639 --> 00:13:44.740 but could you, I don't have anything. Could you 00:13:44.740 --> 00:13:49.620 get me a drink of water? See, empathy and kindness 00:13:49.620 --> 00:13:52.120 flows out of concern for a person that doesn't 00:13:52.120 --> 00:13:57.570 judge them. Humility. It's putting the needs 00:13:57.570 --> 00:14:01.230 of the other person first. Philippians chapter 00:14:01.230 --> 00:14:04.210 two, verses five through 11 are the key passage. 00:14:05.009 --> 00:14:08.029 We're told, have this attitude in yourselves, 00:14:08.110 --> 00:14:11.769 which was also in Christ Jesus. Although he existed 00:14:11.769 --> 00:14:14.370 in the form of God, he didn't regard equality 00:14:14.370 --> 00:14:17.350 with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself. 00:14:17.450 --> 00:14:21.250 Literally, he veiled his attributes, taking the 00:14:21.250 --> 00:14:23.929 form of a bondservant and becoming obedient. 00:14:24.590 --> 00:14:27.470 to the point of death, even death on a shameful 00:14:27.470 --> 00:14:31.649 cross is the idea. Therefore, God highly exalted 00:14:31.649 --> 00:14:34.929 him, it goes on to say. Because of his humility, 00:14:35.250 --> 00:14:37.330 every knee will bow, every tongue will confess 00:14:37.330 --> 00:14:41.029 in heaven, on earth, and under the earth that 00:14:41.029 --> 00:14:45.289 Jesus Christ is Lord. Humility isn't thinking 00:14:45.289 --> 00:14:47.389 too high of yourself. It's not thinking too low 00:14:47.389 --> 00:14:49.669 of yourself. It's not being too positive about 00:14:49.669 --> 00:14:52.090 yourself, too negative about yourself. It's not 00:14:52.090 --> 00:14:55.029 thinking about yourself. It's having a sober 00:14:55.029 --> 00:14:57.350 self -assessment of these are my strengths, these 00:14:57.350 --> 00:14:59.830 are my weaknesses, but the mark of humility is 00:14:59.830 --> 00:15:06.389 self -forgetfulness. In verse 5 of Philippians 00:15:06.389 --> 00:15:08.269 2, he says, have this attitude in yourselves 00:15:08.269 --> 00:15:11.289 because in verse 3 and 4, he gave him a command. 00:15:11.629 --> 00:15:15.789 He said, do nothing out of selfishness or empty 00:15:15.789 --> 00:15:19.759 conceit, but with humility of mind. consider 00:15:19.759 --> 00:15:22.960 others more important than yourself. Don't just 00:15:22.960 --> 00:15:25.039 look out for your own personal interest, but 00:15:25.039 --> 00:15:29.860 also the interest of others. If there is a quality, 00:15:30.100 --> 00:15:35.039 if there's a singular quality that will change 00:15:35.039 --> 00:15:39.559 your marriage, it's learning and going into training 00:15:39.559 --> 00:15:42.019 in the practice of humility. I don't think you 00:15:42.019 --> 00:15:45.779 ever get humble, but I think you practice humility 00:15:45.779 --> 00:15:48.659 to the point that little by little by little, 00:15:49.279 --> 00:15:52.799 You are a lot more humble more times than you're 00:15:52.799 --> 00:15:57.620 not. At the heart of all your relational problems, 00:15:57.940 --> 00:16:03.139 my relational problems is pride. One of my favorite 00:16:03.139 --> 00:16:06.039 authors is a guy named Gary Thomas. And this 00:16:06.039 --> 00:16:08.600 is a book about the virtues. And he talks about 00:16:08.600 --> 00:16:13.120 humility. And he says, while pride is the father 00:16:13.120 --> 00:16:15.559 of hate and dissension, humility is the mother 00:16:15.559 --> 00:16:19.669 of love and unity. Without humility, we become 00:16:19.669 --> 00:16:22.110 thoroughly disagreeable and demanding characters. 00:16:23.210 --> 00:16:26.250 John of the Cross tells us that from humility 00:16:26.250 --> 00:16:29.809 stems the love of neighbor, for we will esteem 00:16:29.809 --> 00:16:34.750 them and not judge them. Estrangement, hate, 00:16:34.970 --> 00:16:39.950 anger, bitterness, and resentment are the killers 00:16:39.950 --> 00:16:42.769 of human relationships, and they're all born 00:16:42.769 --> 00:16:46.379 out of judgment. Think about someone. I'd like 00:16:46.379 --> 00:16:48.320 you to do this, or maybe even think about times 00:16:48.320 --> 00:16:51.299 with your mate. Think about someone that you 00:16:51.299 --> 00:16:55.059 cannot get along with. If you're honest, somewhere 00:16:55.059 --> 00:16:58.200 along the line, you've judged them. You haven't 00:16:58.200 --> 00:17:00.679 esteemed them very highly. In fact, you've elevated 00:17:00.679 --> 00:17:03.700 yourself over them. Maybe he or she was wrong, 00:17:03.779 --> 00:17:07.039 but were you absolutely right? And they certainly 00:17:07.039 --> 00:17:10.599 have faults that you rehearse in your mind, but 00:17:10.599 --> 00:17:14.480 you have faults as well. Years ago, he writes, 00:17:14.700 --> 00:17:31.799 And that's the greatest thing that I should expect 00:17:31.799 --> 00:17:34.619 from it. Once I understood this, the nature of 00:17:34.619 --> 00:17:36.799 marriage underwent a distinctly radical shift 00:17:36.799 --> 00:17:39.220 in my mind. When I was married for happiness, 00:17:39.279 --> 00:17:41.680 I went through the inevitable seasons of unhappiness. 00:17:42.220 --> 00:17:45.299 or just the routines of life, and I assumed my 00:17:45.299 --> 00:17:47.180 unhappiness means that Lisa wasn't measuring 00:17:47.180 --> 00:17:50.319 up. I judged her failings, and she judged mine. 00:17:51.059 --> 00:17:54.500 When I realized I was married for holiness, I 00:17:54.500 --> 00:17:57.440 never measured up, and I became more satisfied 00:17:57.440 --> 00:18:00.119 with my wife as I focused on what I needed to 00:18:00.119 --> 00:18:03.539 change. My growth was not dependent on Lisa changing, 00:18:03.799 --> 00:18:06.839 but on my attitude and my perspective of changing. 00:18:07.680 --> 00:18:11.640 What is divorce but millions of spouses saying, 00:18:12.140 --> 00:18:18.400 You're not good enough for me. This lack of humility 00:18:18.400 --> 00:18:26.240 is destroying families and lives. Humility is 00:18:26.240 --> 00:18:28.880 something that you just don't get overnight. 00:18:31.039 --> 00:18:35.559 And just in times when you actually do put the 00:18:35.559 --> 00:18:39.759 person first, if you're not careful, you'll start 00:18:39.759 --> 00:18:42.619 going, you know, if she was more like this or 00:18:42.619 --> 00:18:44.019 if he was more like this, this marriage would 00:18:44.019 --> 00:18:45.660 be a whole lot better because when you do it, 00:18:45.680 --> 00:18:47.880 there's a joy that you get and then you got to 00:18:47.880 --> 00:18:49.380 be careful because then you can get this air 00:18:49.380 --> 00:18:51.579 of superiority and you get proud about your humility. 00:18:53.740 --> 00:18:55.960 Earlier in this chapter, he says, set your mind 00:18:55.960 --> 00:18:57.759 on the things that are above and I don't know 00:18:57.759 --> 00:19:00.740 about you, but I didn't learn much of that growing 00:19:00.740 --> 00:19:05.079 up. But did you ever? Did you ever just find 00:19:05.079 --> 00:19:07.059 yourself maybe reading toward that early part 00:19:07.059 --> 00:19:08.819 of Revelation, you know, where the angels are 00:19:08.819 --> 00:19:11.960 going, holy, holy, holy, Lord God Almighty, you 00:19:11.960 --> 00:19:16.519 know? How awesome. Myriads of myriads and thousands 00:19:16.519 --> 00:19:19.839 of angels worshiping God the Father and the Lamb. 00:19:20.160 --> 00:19:23.859 Did you realize that for all eternity past, that 00:19:23.859 --> 00:19:27.579 was Jesus' experience? And his humility was he 00:19:27.579 --> 00:19:32.869 left the worship of angels. as the most supreme 00:19:32.869 --> 00:19:36.609 creator, sustainer, being who spoke the galaxies 00:19:36.609 --> 00:19:41.509 into existence and came born as a hopeless, vulnerable 00:19:41.509 --> 00:19:47.769 baby by himself. And that he went through the 00:19:47.769 --> 00:19:57.710 rigors of humanity and rejection. He came to 00:19:57.710 --> 00:20:00.509 his own and those who were his own did not receive 00:20:00.509 --> 00:20:09.160 him. And why? It was for the joy set before him, 00:20:09.200 --> 00:20:12.980 he endured the cross. In the omniscience of God, 00:20:13.059 --> 00:20:16.180 looking down the tunnel of being outside and 00:20:16.180 --> 00:20:20.460 seeing all things of time, he saw you. And he 00:20:20.460 --> 00:20:24.400 said, it is worth it to leave that glory, to 00:20:24.400 --> 00:20:27.380 take on human flesh, to live a perfect life, 00:20:27.480 --> 00:20:33.410 to die for you, unfairly, to be rejected. To 00:20:33.410 --> 00:20:37.349 be stripped naked. To feel the rejection of the 00:20:37.349 --> 00:20:41.809 Father when he took your sin and my sin. And 00:20:41.809 --> 00:20:44.970 he says, remember when he told the disciples, 00:20:45.150 --> 00:20:47.029 this is sort of missing in Christianity today. 00:20:47.549 --> 00:20:49.670 He didn't say, follow me and you'll feel good. 00:20:49.769 --> 00:20:51.710 Follow me and you'll be happy. Follow me and 00:20:51.710 --> 00:20:53.849 you'll be upwardly mobile. Follow me and everything 00:20:53.849 --> 00:20:56.490 will go out right. Follow me and all your desires 00:20:56.490 --> 00:20:59.809 will be fulfilled. He said, follow me. Take up 00:20:59.809 --> 00:21:03.480 your cross. Deny yourself. And walk in the same 00:21:03.480 --> 00:21:06.140 manner that I walk. Because unless a grain of 00:21:06.140 --> 00:21:08.099 wheat fall into the earth and die, it remains 00:21:08.099 --> 00:21:12.059 by itself alone. But if it dies, it brings forth 00:21:12.059 --> 00:21:16.200 much fruit. At the heart of my human marriage 00:21:16.200 --> 00:21:20.819 struggles is I need to die to myself. And I need 00:21:20.819 --> 00:21:24.099 to be co -resurrected and live with the perspective. 00:21:25.000 --> 00:21:27.680 To put on a heart each and every day. The reason 00:21:27.680 --> 00:21:30.440 I go over this each and every day, I pray this 00:21:30.440 --> 00:21:33.279 each and every day. God, today, please, give 00:21:33.279 --> 00:21:36.480 me a heart of compassion. First for Teresa and 00:21:36.480 --> 00:21:39.579 then for everyone I meet. God, please, give me 00:21:39.579 --> 00:21:43.160 a heart of kindness. Help me to see through your 00:21:43.160 --> 00:21:47.200 eyes. I was yesterday just in between times and 00:21:47.200 --> 00:21:49.819 I went to a little coffee shop and I got a cup 00:21:49.819 --> 00:21:54.319 of coffee and there was a, Let me just say this 00:21:54.319 --> 00:21:58.140 nicely. A very sad, unattractive woman who gave 00:21:58.140 --> 00:22:00.480 me my coffee, and I asked her, how are you doing? 00:22:00.660 --> 00:22:02.680 And she looked at me with these sad eyes and 00:22:02.680 --> 00:22:06.440 said, okay. And she didn't have to say much more, 00:22:06.519 --> 00:22:10.940 but there's a man that gave me a checkbook, and 00:22:10.940 --> 00:22:13.940 he put $5 ,000 in it, and he says, meet me in 00:22:13.940 --> 00:22:16.799 three months. And I have money, but I don't have 00:22:16.799 --> 00:22:19.019 a whole lot of time. I own this company, and 00:22:19.019 --> 00:22:21.859 you're a pastor in this high -need area. Whenever 00:22:21.859 --> 00:22:23.779 you find someone that can't pay their electricity, 00:22:23.900 --> 00:22:26.460 you find a girl that was going to abort her baby, 00:22:26.599 --> 00:22:29.119 whatever you need to do, you just, just for me, 00:22:29.259 --> 00:22:32.720 you just pay for it. And so I found myself in 00:22:32.720 --> 00:22:35.779 these early years and, and at first it was like 00:22:35.779 --> 00:22:38.380 this huge responsibility. And then it was like, 00:22:38.420 --> 00:22:40.700 I kept this checkbook back in the days when people 00:22:40.700 --> 00:22:44.500 had checkbooks. In my back pocket. And I'd be 00:22:44.500 --> 00:22:46.680 at a grocery store and here'd be a young mom 00:22:46.680 --> 00:22:48.579 and I found out she was abandoned by her husband 00:22:48.579 --> 00:22:51.559 and three kids and they're crying and she's putting 00:22:51.559 --> 00:22:53.420 groceries back because she can't afford it. And 00:22:53.420 --> 00:22:56.039 I was able to come by and say, no. I ended up 00:22:56.039 --> 00:22:57.880 walking around the grocery store and I heard 00:22:57.880 --> 00:22:59.539 her story and I paid for all of her groceries 00:22:59.539 --> 00:23:01.839 and I filled her car with gas. Who do you think 00:23:01.839 --> 00:23:06.000 left filled with joy? And I made that a habit. 00:23:06.059 --> 00:23:08.220 You know, in the early years I couldn't do very 00:23:08.220 --> 00:23:11.569 much so maybe $5 bills. Then his life got a little 00:23:11.569 --> 00:23:15.750 bit better, $20 bills. And, you know, his life 00:23:15.750 --> 00:23:17.970 even got a little bit better. When I travel, 00:23:17.990 --> 00:23:20.269 just certain times, I keep like $400 or $500 00:23:20.269 --> 00:23:23.670 bills. And I just think, God, if there's someone, 00:23:23.930 --> 00:23:27.329 you know, the people, I'm in airports a lot. 00:23:27.390 --> 00:23:30.650 You know those people that clean the restrooms 00:23:30.650 --> 00:23:34.569 in the airports? I walk in and I see a man who's, 00:23:34.589 --> 00:23:39.049 you know, 66, 68, 70 years old, gray, bent over. 00:23:39.640 --> 00:23:41.819 And at this stage of his life, he's cleaning 00:23:41.819 --> 00:23:46.740 the trash cans in airports. And this isn't natural 00:23:46.740 --> 00:23:51.579 for me. But God, I want to see him. He's so valuable 00:23:51.579 --> 00:23:54.359 to you. Does anyone say that? I want him to know. 00:23:54.460 --> 00:23:57.019 And I keep those $100 bills. And just only when 00:23:57.019 --> 00:24:00.480 God prompts me, I say, excuse me. Thank you so 00:24:00.480 --> 00:24:03.140 much for what you're doing here, keeping this 00:24:03.140 --> 00:24:07.329 clean. The Lord Jesus told me that he... He knows 00:24:07.329 --> 00:24:09.630 what you're doing and he sees you and he cares 00:24:09.630 --> 00:24:12.049 about you. And I give him, I just fold it up 00:24:12.049 --> 00:24:14.930 so he can't see how much it is. And then I leave. 00:24:16.069 --> 00:24:20.769 You know who's changed the most? Me. It's not 00:24:20.769 --> 00:24:23.970 because I gave him $100. It's because it's in 00:24:23.970 --> 00:24:27.910 my pocket. I'm looking every day for someone 00:24:27.910 --> 00:24:30.730 that God wants to be kind to, that he wants me 00:24:30.730 --> 00:24:33.490 to be the conduit through. Do you understand 00:24:33.490 --> 00:24:36.940 what happened? New classes. You look differently. 00:24:37.759 --> 00:24:41.680 This is what he's saying. And if that happens 00:24:41.680 --> 00:24:43.579 out there, can you imagine what would happen 00:24:43.579 --> 00:24:46.319 if you said, oh, Lord, what would it look like 00:24:46.319 --> 00:24:49.220 to be generous to my husband today? What would 00:24:49.220 --> 00:24:52.779 it look like to be generous to my wife or one 00:24:52.779 --> 00:24:58.019 of my children? The next is gentleness. It's 00:24:58.019 --> 00:25:01.839 strength under control, especially your emotions. 00:25:02.779 --> 00:25:06.000 Matthew 11, 28, Jesus, it's that great invitation. 00:25:07.660 --> 00:25:12.920 People were hassled and stressed out. You understand, 00:25:13.039 --> 00:25:17.000 when Jesus came, 80 % of the Roman world was 00:25:17.000 --> 00:25:24.519 slaves. Rome was just flat brutal. I mean, the 00:25:24.519 --> 00:25:29.220 majority of small children died. The rule of 00:25:29.220 --> 00:25:32.150 Rome was, When a child was born, it was brought 00:25:32.150 --> 00:25:35.210 to his father. And if it was a girl, often, I 00:25:35.210 --> 00:25:36.569 don't want a girl. And it would just be killed. 00:25:37.309 --> 00:25:40.789 Or laid on the trash heap and the Christians 00:25:40.789 --> 00:25:44.470 would go and rescue it. A little cleft lip, a 00:25:44.470 --> 00:25:47.569 little imperfection, the father would do this, 00:25:47.569 --> 00:25:53.210 kill it. It's in this harsh, just terrible environment 00:25:53.210 --> 00:25:58.789 that Jesus said, those of you that are weary, 00:25:59.759 --> 00:26:04.539 Come to me. Take my yoke upon you and learn from 00:26:04.539 --> 00:26:08.720 me. Here's our word. For I am gentle and lowly 00:26:08.720 --> 00:26:13.819 of spirit. Take my yoke upon you. My burden is 00:26:13.819 --> 00:26:17.200 easy. My load is light. It's a picture, you know, 00:26:17.220 --> 00:26:20.980 of the oxen that have this yoke. And Jesus says, 00:26:21.059 --> 00:26:24.660 I'm on this side. I want you to come and let's 00:26:24.660 --> 00:26:27.829 do life together. This isn't a God whose arms 00:26:27.829 --> 00:26:30.470 are crossed and toe tapping and, you know, looking 00:26:30.470 --> 00:26:32.329 at your morality and why don't you go to church 00:26:32.329 --> 00:26:34.109 more? Why don't you read the Bible more? You 00:26:34.109 --> 00:26:35.650 know, why are you looking at pornography and 00:26:35.650 --> 00:26:37.410 why did you blow up one more time? Bad, bad, 00:26:37.410 --> 00:26:39.609 bad, bad, bad. This is God who says, aren't you 00:26:39.609 --> 00:26:44.710 tired of all of that? Come, come, let's get hooked 00:26:44.710 --> 00:26:47.950 up together. Let me, let me walk with you. I'm 00:26:47.950 --> 00:26:51.710 gentle. The word was used in classical Greek 00:26:51.710 --> 00:26:57.299 of a wild, powerful stallion. that had been tamed. 00:26:58.819 --> 00:27:02.140 In other words, it's extraordinary power under 00:27:02.140 --> 00:27:06.240 control. Jesus didn't stay on the cross because 00:27:06.240 --> 00:27:09.000 he had to. Jesus stayed on the cross because 00:27:09.000 --> 00:27:13.420 he was gentle. His power was under control. He 00:27:13.420 --> 00:27:16.200 didn't demand his rights for legions of angels 00:27:16.200 --> 00:27:19.220 to come and say, this is unfair, this is wrong, 00:27:19.400 --> 00:27:24.539 wipe him out. He goes, no, I am willing. to withhold 00:27:24.539 --> 00:27:29.680 my rights and channel my power for the benefit 00:27:29.680 --> 00:27:33.039 of others. It's the opposite of being harsh, 00:27:33.259 --> 00:27:38.259 demanding, arms crossed. Those looks that say 00:27:38.259 --> 00:27:41.440 to your mate, did you do that again? The look 00:27:41.440 --> 00:27:43.539 that says, don't you ever do anything right to 00:27:43.539 --> 00:27:47.799 one of your kids. It's gentle. It's approachable. 00:27:48.599 --> 00:27:51.019 Put on a heart of patience. It means to endure 00:27:51.019 --> 00:27:56.079 with a good attitude. 2 Peter 3 .9 says, you 00:27:56.079 --> 00:27:58.539 know, people, he was talking about, he's coming 00:27:58.539 --> 00:28:00.599 back. And everyone goes, yeah, yeah, right, he's 00:28:00.599 --> 00:28:02.099 coming back. You've been saying that for a long 00:28:02.099 --> 00:28:04.960 time. And Peter says, you don't understand. God 00:28:04.960 --> 00:28:08.720 is not slow as some think slow. For to him, a 00:28:08.720 --> 00:28:12.339 day in a thousand years is the same. He is patient, 00:28:12.599 --> 00:28:17.579 macrothumos. Can you hear the two words? Macrothumos, 00:28:17.579 --> 00:28:22.450 heat. It's dispersed. wants all to be saved, 00:28:22.470 --> 00:28:25.910 to all to come to repentance. It's putting up 00:28:25.910 --> 00:28:30.670 with, enduring. One more time, one more time. 00:28:30.910 --> 00:28:33.230 I'm not going to give up. We're going to keep 00:28:33.230 --> 00:28:43.289 working at this. Jesus was patient with the disciples. 00:28:44.890 --> 00:28:48.069 Do you realize the only time, read all the Gospels, 00:28:48.700 --> 00:28:51.019 And then list all the things he criticizes them 00:28:51.019 --> 00:28:54.680 for. All the times he comes down on them, criticizes 00:28:54.680 --> 00:29:02.140 them. We get one clear time when Peter gets very 00:29:02.140 --> 00:29:04.619 self -focused in his agenda and his kingdom. 00:29:05.339 --> 00:29:07.619 I can't imagine Jesus looking you right in the 00:29:07.619 --> 00:29:11.519 eyeballs and saying, get behind me, Satan. The 00:29:11.519 --> 00:29:16.420 only time he reproves them is, oh, you of little 00:29:16.420 --> 00:29:22.190 faith. Did you ever wonder, so what does God 00:29:22.190 --> 00:29:24.369 really want from me? How do you become a good 00:29:24.369 --> 00:29:26.349 Christian? I mean, what's he really, really want? 00:29:27.150 --> 00:29:29.450 You ready for this? They ask him that in John 00:29:29.450 --> 00:29:33.049 6. He said, this is the work of God that you 00:29:33.049 --> 00:29:37.829 believe in whom he has sent. You know, the greatest 00:29:37.829 --> 00:29:40.109 question you can ask yourself every single day, 00:29:40.170 --> 00:29:42.890 you might write this down. What does it look 00:29:42.890 --> 00:29:46.740 like to trust God in this situation? What does 00:29:46.740 --> 00:29:49.099 it look like to trust God with how he's acting 00:29:49.099 --> 00:29:51.619 right now? What's it look like to trust God with 00:29:51.619 --> 00:29:53.839 these finances? What's it look like to trust 00:29:53.839 --> 00:29:55.980 God with this deployment? What's it look like 00:29:55.980 --> 00:29:58.559 to trust God when the biopsy report comes back? 00:29:59.859 --> 00:30:02.599 Positive. What's it look like to trust God with 00:30:02.599 --> 00:30:04.880 a wayward child? What's it look like to trust 00:30:04.880 --> 00:30:07.519 God when you don't like where you live? What's 00:30:07.519 --> 00:30:10.099 it look like to trust God with overcoming the 00:30:10.099 --> 00:30:12.779 infidelity of your mate? What's it look like 00:30:12.779 --> 00:30:15.519 to trust God with the infidelity that you had? 00:30:16.299 --> 00:30:21.519 and the guilt that you share. See, you can be 00:30:21.519 --> 00:30:23.700 moral. You can go to church. You can read your 00:30:23.700 --> 00:30:28.160 Bible. Without faith, it's impossible to please 00:30:28.160 --> 00:30:33.799 Him. Faith is nothing more or nothing less is 00:30:33.799 --> 00:30:36.259 believing in God's character and God's promises 00:30:36.259 --> 00:30:39.059 to the point of acting on them. Faith isn't some 00:30:39.059 --> 00:30:41.559 ooey -gooey feeling. Oh, I think I got it. I 00:30:41.559 --> 00:30:43.119 think I got faith. I believe you. I believe you. 00:30:43.720 --> 00:30:46.700 Faith is a picture of a bridge. And we think 00:30:46.700 --> 00:30:50.039 faith is this rickety bridge like on one of those, 00:30:50.039 --> 00:30:52.759 you know, Indiana Jones movies and there's missing 00:30:52.759 --> 00:30:55.819 pieces and there's superheroes and, oh, we're 00:30:55.819 --> 00:30:57.099 going to make it. And they take two steps and 00:30:57.099 --> 00:30:59.019 they almost fall through and then they get to 00:30:59.019 --> 00:31:01.319 the other side and we think, oh, Indiana Jones 00:31:01.319 --> 00:31:03.220 Christians, they have such faith. That's not 00:31:03.220 --> 00:31:10.119 faith. This is faith biblically. Steel, concrete's 00:31:10.119 --> 00:31:13.180 three feet thick. It's the object of your faith. 00:31:13.579 --> 00:31:16.640 God says this will hold me up. Let's walk across. 00:31:17.220 --> 00:31:19.759 That's why you don't need a lot of faith. Jesus 00:31:19.759 --> 00:31:22.420 said you need the faith of a mustard seed. It's 00:31:22.420 --> 00:31:25.339 the object of your faith. What if there is an 00:31:25.339 --> 00:31:27.859 all -powerful, all -knowing God who died, rose 00:31:27.859 --> 00:31:30.660 from the dead, who dwells inside of you, and 00:31:30.660 --> 00:31:32.480 the same power that raised him from the dead 00:31:32.480 --> 00:31:35.660 dwells inside of you, and apart from him you 00:31:35.660 --> 00:31:37.920 can do nothing, but in Christ you can do all 00:31:37.920 --> 00:31:42.000 things. And you just say, okay, I can forgive 00:31:42.000 --> 00:31:45.329 him. Okay, well, I guess we'll cut our budget. 00:31:45.450 --> 00:31:46.950 I don't know how we're going to make it financially, 00:31:47.210 --> 00:31:50.069 but we're going to keep moving forward. Okay? 00:31:50.390 --> 00:31:53.650 It's a wayward child. We can't control him. We're 00:31:53.650 --> 00:31:56.089 going to trust God. We're going to get good counseling. 00:31:56.589 --> 00:32:00.029 Here's the path. Lord, you love him more than 00:32:00.029 --> 00:32:03.470 we do. You love her more than we do. It's faith. 00:32:05.769 --> 00:32:13.740 Patience. Have a little tool. Because you're 00:32:13.740 --> 00:32:17.619 thinking. How could I practically. Chip this 00:32:17.619 --> 00:32:20.400 sounds good. Hard. By the way it's not hard. 00:32:21.539 --> 00:32:24.240 Okay. Don't look at this list and go. Oh that's 00:32:24.240 --> 00:32:29.460 hard. It's not hard. It's impossible. No no. 00:32:29.519 --> 00:32:31.920 You need to understand that. Now you can. I mean 00:32:31.920 --> 00:32:34.680 you can put in some effort. And you could do 00:32:34.680 --> 00:32:36.440 a little bit better on these. Out of your strength. 00:32:36.700 --> 00:32:39.220 But after. It won't take long. Maybe a couple 00:32:39.220 --> 00:32:41.519 weeks. For some of you really. You know. Hardcore 00:32:41.519 --> 00:32:43.980 people, disciplined people, self -starter people. 00:32:44.680 --> 00:32:46.859 But two weeks, if you don't see results after 00:32:46.859 --> 00:32:50.140 doing these, you'd give up. This is not hard. 00:32:50.200 --> 00:32:53.200 It's impossible. The only way to do this is what? 00:32:53.380 --> 00:32:56.759 You need to believe I'm chosen. I'm holy. I'm 00:32:56.759 --> 00:32:59.779 dearly loved. I keep getting from God each and 00:32:59.779 --> 00:33:03.759 every day everything I need so I can, are you 00:33:03.759 --> 00:33:07.599 ready? Put on a heart of compassion, kindness, 00:33:07.839 --> 00:33:14.460 humility. gentleness, and patience. I'm going 00:33:14.460 --> 00:33:16.660 to give you just a little tool. You can write 00:33:16.660 --> 00:33:19.980 it at the bottom of the page. I call this little 00:33:19.980 --> 00:33:24.700 tool, I know you really care when. Okay, just 00:33:24.700 --> 00:33:27.660 write that. I know you really care when. Because 00:33:27.660 --> 00:33:29.859 some of you are thinking, I want to be compassionate 00:33:29.859 --> 00:33:33.279 and I want to be gentle. Okay, Chip, I really 00:33:33.279 --> 00:33:35.660 want to be all this, but I'm not sure what it 00:33:35.660 --> 00:33:38.549 would look like. I can't read her mind. I can't 00:33:38.549 --> 00:33:41.329 read his mind. Here's what you do. There's a 00:33:41.329 --> 00:33:44.809 little column. And, you know, if you're a husband, 00:33:44.970 --> 00:33:51.069 you write, I know you really care, speaking to 00:33:51.069 --> 00:33:55.730 your wife, when you, one, two, three. Just write 00:33:55.730 --> 00:33:58.990 the top three. You can go five if you want. But, 00:33:59.029 --> 00:34:01.910 I mean, give her a break. Just write, I feel 00:34:01.910 --> 00:34:03.990 loved when you, and just write the top three 00:34:03.990 --> 00:34:05.990 things that when she does them, you feel loved. 00:34:07.719 --> 00:34:10.300 Ladies, you write, here's the top three things. 00:34:10.360 --> 00:34:13.900 You can go four or five. I feel most loved when 00:34:13.900 --> 00:34:18.579 you, and just write him. And then just exchange 00:34:18.579 --> 00:34:22.760 lists. So we've made this whole thing about it 00:34:22.760 --> 00:34:25.599 has to be so spontaneous and if he could read 00:34:25.599 --> 00:34:28.559 my mind or if she would only know. You know, 00:34:28.559 --> 00:34:30.460 I did this with my wife. We were struggling. 00:34:31.440 --> 00:34:34.380 The counselor gave us this tool, okay? Everything 00:34:34.380 --> 00:34:37.179 I give you, I got out of counseling. So, but 00:34:37.179 --> 00:34:40.940 it's like, okay, here's the top thing. When you 00:34:40.940 --> 00:34:42.579 take out the trash, when you help with this, 00:34:42.639 --> 00:34:44.139 when you help with the kid's homework, I'm thinking, 00:34:44.179 --> 00:34:46.320 what in the world's this got to do with love? 00:34:46.440 --> 00:34:48.300 And finally I said, it doesn't matter what I 00:34:48.300 --> 00:34:51.559 think. If this makes her feel loved, guess what? 00:34:51.599 --> 00:34:54.559 I love her. Guess what? I made a vow. Guess what? 00:34:54.599 --> 00:34:57.340 I'm committed to her. So she made a list and 00:34:57.340 --> 00:34:59.380 I just decided I'm going to do at least one of 00:34:59.380 --> 00:35:02.340 those things every day. If nothing else, at least, 00:35:02.340 --> 00:35:06.000 you know. Every day, she is going to get loved 00:35:06.000 --> 00:35:08.980 by me with some compassion and gentleness and 00:35:08.980 --> 00:35:14.619 vice versa. Try it. You'll like it. Okay, shift 00:35:14.619 --> 00:35:18.500 the page because what I have said to you so far 00:35:18.500 --> 00:35:22.639 can only happen if something else happens. This 00:35:22.639 --> 00:35:25.019 is the clothing metaphor. That word put on, put 00:35:25.019 --> 00:35:27.400 off, put on, put off. Here's what you need to 00:35:27.400 --> 00:35:31.840 get. You cannot put on the new until you take 00:35:31.840 --> 00:35:35.460 off the old. Notice what he says here. The clothing 00:35:35.460 --> 00:35:37.639 metaphor is crucial to biblical communication. 00:35:38.260 --> 00:35:42.679 Old clothes must be taken off. Open your Bible 00:35:42.679 --> 00:35:45.239 if you're not already there. We're in Colossians 00:35:45.239 --> 00:35:50.139 chapter 3. And after he says to set your mind 00:35:50.139 --> 00:35:54.579 on the things above, he says, put to death. I'm 00:35:54.579 --> 00:35:56.800 in verse 5. Whatever belongs to your earthly 00:35:56.800 --> 00:35:59.940 nature. Well, what's that? Sexual immorality, 00:35:59.960 --> 00:36:02.340 impurity, lust, evil desires, greed, which is 00:36:02.340 --> 00:36:05.719 idolatry. Why? Because of these, the wrath of 00:36:05.719 --> 00:36:08.719 God is coming. And then he reminds them like 00:36:08.719 --> 00:36:11.780 he reminds us. You used to walk in these things 00:36:11.780 --> 00:36:14.300 in the life that you once lived. Now get this. 00:36:14.360 --> 00:36:18.559 Here's the new. But now you must rid yourselves 00:36:18.559 --> 00:36:23.670 of such things as anger. rage, malice, slander, 00:36:23.750 --> 00:36:26.650 filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to 00:36:26.650 --> 00:36:31.110 each other. Why? Since you have taken off, it's 00:36:31.110 --> 00:36:34.550 a metaphor, your old self with its practices. 00:36:35.909 --> 00:36:39.550 But that's not the end of it. And have put on 00:36:39.550 --> 00:36:43.170 the new self, which is being renewed, mind renewal. 00:36:43.530 --> 00:36:47.230 How? In the knowledge, in the image of its creator. 00:36:48.429 --> 00:36:55.389 You have to Take off the old. Old life of anger, 00:36:55.550 --> 00:36:58.670 logging on to porn, flirting with other people, 00:36:58.949 --> 00:37:02.550 spending money I don't have, yelling, screaming, 00:37:02.869 --> 00:37:06.070 abusive language, wanting my own way. Get rid 00:37:06.070 --> 00:37:09.750 of it all. That's what he's saying. And put on. 00:37:10.550 --> 00:37:15.969 Put on the new self. It's a journey. It's a process. 00:37:16.570 --> 00:37:20.050 You renew your mind. You ask, who are the people 00:37:20.050 --> 00:37:23.230 in my life that keep pulling me that way? What 00:37:23.230 --> 00:37:25.530 am I putting into my mind? Whether it's on a 00:37:25.530 --> 00:37:27.570 video, whether it's Netflix, whether it's porn, 00:37:27.769 --> 00:37:31.670 whether it's a relationship that keeps telling 00:37:31.670 --> 00:37:33.789 me, hey, why don't you come with us and do this? 00:37:34.510 --> 00:37:38.469 Whether it's a temptation. Remember the passage 00:37:38.469 --> 00:37:41.769 where Jesus said, if your right eye is causing 00:37:41.769 --> 00:37:44.690 you to sin, pluck it out? Remember that one? 00:37:45.309 --> 00:37:47.269 Now, some people took that literally, which is 00:37:47.269 --> 00:37:49.769 very foolish, because if you pluck out your right 00:37:49.769 --> 00:37:51.829 eye, I have got news for you. You can lust with 00:37:51.829 --> 00:37:56.449 your left. If your right hand causes you to sin, 00:37:56.530 --> 00:38:01.409 what do you say? Cut it off. Well, I got news. 00:38:01.469 --> 00:38:05.050 You can still steal with your left hand. It was 00:38:05.050 --> 00:38:07.409 an idiomatic expression, but here's what he was 00:38:07.409 --> 00:38:13.750 saying. You be as radical as you need to be. 00:38:14.960 --> 00:38:17.960 To take off the impurities and the things that 00:38:17.960 --> 00:38:21.099 pull you away from first the Lord Jesus and second 00:38:21.099 --> 00:38:24.539 from your most important relationships. I remember 00:38:24.539 --> 00:38:28.079 a guy called me that I knew fairly well and he 00:38:28.079 --> 00:38:30.280 talked about an emotional affair he was having. 00:38:30.460 --> 00:38:34.179 A godly man, great family, found himself in this. 00:38:34.619 --> 00:38:41.000 If you, don't want to be too graphic here. Often 00:38:41.000 --> 00:38:43.780 when affairs happen, it's just crazy. There's 00:38:43.780 --> 00:38:45.800 this chemistry like a magnet towards someone. 00:38:47.860 --> 00:38:51.219 And by the way, the proverb says that the enemy 00:38:51.219 --> 00:38:54.500 uses these kind of things to undermine. He wants 00:38:54.500 --> 00:39:00.539 to destroy you, destroy your marriage. And he 00:39:00.539 --> 00:39:02.940 was right here. He goes, you know, I'm just... 00:39:03.579 --> 00:39:05.940 I find myself dressing a little better. I think 00:39:05.940 --> 00:39:08.679 about her. We both know when I'm next to her. 00:39:08.820 --> 00:39:11.039 And he goes, Chip, I'm calling you. I didn't 00:39:11.039 --> 00:39:12.360 even want to talk to my pastor. What should I 00:39:12.360 --> 00:39:16.619 do? I said, be as radical as you need to be. 00:39:17.280 --> 00:39:20.360 I said, if you need to quit your job, God has 00:39:20.360 --> 00:39:23.059 another job. But I'll tell you, this will destroy 00:39:23.059 --> 00:39:26.119 your life. He said, yeah, I mean, this is getting, 00:39:26.219 --> 00:39:28.300 this is getting, I know where this is going. 00:39:28.739 --> 00:39:30.659 We both talked about it. We both talked about 00:39:30.659 --> 00:39:33.469 the impact. And by the way, when your emotions 00:39:33.469 --> 00:39:38.190 get here, your IQ drops by 100 points. I kid 00:39:38.190 --> 00:39:42.190 you not. Infatuation causes you to think things, 00:39:42.349 --> 00:39:45.409 do things, and perceive things in ways that only 00:39:45.409 --> 00:39:50.170 idiots think. And then you wake up alone and 00:39:50.170 --> 00:39:52.710 with half your money going somewhere else and 00:39:52.710 --> 00:39:55.969 with kids who said, I thought you loved me and 00:39:55.969 --> 00:39:59.969 a mate whose life you made a vow to and you're 00:39:59.969 --> 00:40:02.920 in the process of ruining. I've lived on the 00:40:02.920 --> 00:40:06.179 other side. I bet it was 15 years of a journey 00:40:06.179 --> 00:40:09.639 of healing, of watching my wife overcome what 00:40:09.639 --> 00:40:12.480 it was like to be rejected by this unbeliever. 00:40:15.820 --> 00:40:20.260 I watched what it did to my little boys. I still 00:40:20.260 --> 00:40:21.900 remember the emotional connection. They were 00:40:21.900 --> 00:40:24.420 11 years old and I went to my mentor and I said, 00:40:24.440 --> 00:40:26.000 I'm really, really trying to be a great dad. 00:40:26.119 --> 00:40:29.510 It's been six years. You know, we're fine, but 00:40:29.510 --> 00:40:31.650 you know that connection, that connection, that 00:40:31.650 --> 00:40:34.369 connection. I said, Chip, do you understand what 00:40:34.369 --> 00:40:37.369 they've been through? I said, intellectually. 00:40:38.750 --> 00:40:41.409 I said, what do I do? He just looked at me and 00:40:41.409 --> 00:40:46.110 he goes, love them. Just love them. Just keep 00:40:46.110 --> 00:40:50.329 loving them. So I don't know where you're at. 00:40:51.599 --> 00:40:54.019 But I can tell you for sure, your marriage will 00:40:54.019 --> 00:40:56.320 be something you never dreamed it could be, and 00:40:56.320 --> 00:40:59.619 it won't be easy if you put on a heart of compassion, 00:40:59.920 --> 00:41:05.739 kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. 00:41:06.420 --> 00:41:10.059 But you can't put that on unless you take off 00:41:10.059 --> 00:41:12.699 anger and rage and malice and slander and abusive 00:41:12.699 --> 00:41:18.900 speech. I have videos that go in my mind of when 00:41:18.900 --> 00:41:22.369 I've... done those things, acted that way, felt 00:41:22.369 --> 00:41:27.909 those emotions? Put it off. Now, let's get real 00:41:27.909 --> 00:41:30.070 positive because many of you are very convicted 00:41:30.070 --> 00:41:32.130 right now and you know what you need to put off. 00:41:32.230 --> 00:41:33.949 So I'm not going to take you off a hook, all 00:41:33.949 --> 00:41:36.789 right? But don't go to bed tonight. You hear 00:41:36.789 --> 00:41:41.250 me? This is an order from the commander -in -chief 00:41:41.250 --> 00:41:44.329 of the universe. And it's not because he's mad. 00:41:44.449 --> 00:41:48.469 He wants to rescue you. Listen to him. Do what 00:41:48.469 --> 00:41:51.460 he says. But here's what I want you to get. The 00:41:51.460 --> 00:41:54.639 new self requires new clothes. Here's the principle. 00:41:55.019 --> 00:41:59.639 Who we are determines how we dress. Now, all 00:41:59.639 --> 00:42:02.519 of you were a bride. Do you remember that day? 00:42:03.039 --> 00:42:05.679 You were the bride. So because you were the bride, 00:42:05.820 --> 00:42:09.340 how did you dress? How did you dress? I mean, 00:42:09.360 --> 00:42:11.659 you spent at least four hours. I still remember. 00:42:11.739 --> 00:42:13.500 I had three boys and a girl, so I've only had 00:42:13.500 --> 00:42:16.179 one wedding where I got really inside. I mean, 00:42:16.239 --> 00:42:18.320 my lands. They did her hair. They did her nails. 00:42:18.519 --> 00:42:20.679 They did the dress. It was like a four or five 00:42:20.679 --> 00:42:23.000 hour getting ready. Why? Because she wanted to 00:42:23.000 --> 00:42:26.460 be beautiful and awesome for her husband. Who 00:42:26.460 --> 00:42:30.260 you are determines how you dress. Who are you? 00:42:31.279 --> 00:42:33.599 You're a daughter of the living God. You're a 00:42:33.599 --> 00:42:35.719 son of the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords. 00:42:35.820 --> 00:42:37.920 So how do you dress? You dress in a way that's 00:42:37.920 --> 00:42:40.280 appropriate. I want you to imagine in your mind's 00:42:40.280 --> 00:42:42.400 eye, and maybe some of you have been there, but 00:42:42.400 --> 00:42:45.480 you're going to receive the distinguished medal 00:42:45.480 --> 00:42:49.239 of honor. How would you dress for the occasion? 00:42:51.039 --> 00:42:56.739 Jeans? Flip -flops? I don't think so. See, you 00:42:56.739 --> 00:43:01.679 dress. That's why. I can give you tools galore. 00:43:01.760 --> 00:43:03.940 I can give you all kind of techniques, and there's 00:43:03.940 --> 00:43:08.139 a place for them. Until you start to believe 00:43:08.139 --> 00:43:11.559 that you are chosen, that you are set apart and 00:43:11.559 --> 00:43:15.260 holy, and that you're deeply, powerfully, unconditionally 00:43:15.260 --> 00:43:19.099 loved, you'll never dress that way. The great 00:43:19.099 --> 00:43:22.280 majority of Christians are living for God's approval 00:43:22.280 --> 00:43:25.159 instead of from God's approval, and the difference 00:43:25.159 --> 00:43:28.980 is night and day. When you live from God's approval, 00:43:29.260 --> 00:43:32.500 when I carry that money in my pocket or when 00:43:32.500 --> 00:43:34.840 I choose to do things for Teresa, I'm not doing 00:43:34.840 --> 00:43:37.639 it because God goes, okay, on the big refrigerator 00:43:37.639 --> 00:43:40.719 in heaven, hey guys, three more stars for Chip. 00:43:43.340 --> 00:43:48.480 It doesn't work that way. When I do something 00:43:48.480 --> 00:43:52.199 like that, it's, God, you've been so kind and 00:43:52.199 --> 00:43:57.309 so compassionate and so patient with me. You 00:43:57.309 --> 00:44:01.489 have so humbled yourself to stoop, to die in 00:44:01.489 --> 00:44:04.489 my place. You have been so gracious to cause 00:44:04.489 --> 00:44:07.690 your spirit to dwell inside of me, to guide me. 00:44:07.789 --> 00:44:11.090 You have in supernatural ways provided access 00:44:11.090 --> 00:44:13.289 where I not only have the mind of Christ, but 00:44:13.289 --> 00:44:16.409 you've given me your word. And you've told me 00:44:16.409 --> 00:44:18.630 that if I come to you, you'll renew my mind and 00:44:18.630 --> 00:44:21.030 you'll make me more and more like Jesus. As I 00:44:21.030 --> 00:44:25.530 soak that in, what happens? From God's approval, 00:44:26.079 --> 00:44:31.800 You love. I have been on a journey for 40 years 00:44:31.800 --> 00:44:35.800 to try and believe and feel and accept that God 00:44:35.800 --> 00:44:41.820 loves me for me. Some of you grew up in homes 00:44:41.820 --> 00:44:44.880 like I did. My dad's idea of love was you went 00:44:44.880 --> 00:44:47.000 three for four. What happened? You know, Chip, 00:44:47.079 --> 00:44:48.639 how many times have I told you when that curveball 00:44:48.639 --> 00:44:50.579 comes on the inside, you step in the bucket. 00:44:50.619 --> 00:44:53.099 That's why you grind it out the shortstop. Come 00:44:53.099 --> 00:44:58.539 on, son. Step it up. Four A's and a B. Son, give 00:44:58.539 --> 00:45:02.559 me your report card. What happened here? Now, 00:45:02.559 --> 00:45:04.860 he loved me, and he thought that would, you know, 00:45:04.900 --> 00:45:06.280 I got one degree, so when are you going to get 00:45:06.280 --> 00:45:07.480 your master's? Got that degree, when are you 00:45:07.480 --> 00:45:08.320 going to get that? When are you going to get 00:45:08.320 --> 00:45:10.800 that? I finally came at about 35. I will never 00:45:10.800 --> 00:45:15.179 live up to my dad's expectations. And somehow 00:45:15.179 --> 00:45:17.480 I translated that to that's how God was, and 00:45:17.480 --> 00:45:22.260 he's not. God loves you for you. If you never 00:45:22.260 --> 00:45:25.400 did anything, he loves you. He died for you while 00:45:25.400 --> 00:45:29.659 you were still a sinner. While you were his enemy. 00:45:31.599 --> 00:45:35.659 So here's the problem. We have settled for techniques 00:45:35.659 --> 00:45:38.900 and self -help tools to change how we speak and 00:45:38.900 --> 00:45:41.980 to modify our emotions and behaviors to improve 00:45:41.980 --> 00:45:45.400 compatibility. I think so much of what we do 00:45:45.400 --> 00:45:47.559 in our marriages is how do we get along better? 00:45:50.000 --> 00:45:52.880 rather than focusing on the deep -rooted transformation 00:45:52.880 --> 00:45:57.159 of our hearts, which empowers us to give life 00:45:57.159 --> 00:46:01.539 -giving love of Christ to our mates. That's where 00:46:01.539 --> 00:46:04.599 the real action is. The solution is threefold. 00:46:04.659 --> 00:46:07.300 Number one, don't buy the lie. I am what I have, 00:46:07.380 --> 00:46:09.800 possessions. I am what I accomplish, performance. 00:46:10.219 --> 00:46:15.239 I am what others think of me, popularity. Most 00:46:15.239 --> 00:46:17.900 of us at some level live with the if -then, if 00:46:17.900 --> 00:46:20.739 -then. If I become, then I'll be a somebody. 00:46:20.920 --> 00:46:23.599 If I possess, then I'm a somebody. If I get a 00:46:23.599 --> 00:46:25.980 higher rank, if I make more money, if I drive 00:46:25.980 --> 00:46:29.280 this kind of car, if someday I can, if so many 00:46:29.280 --> 00:46:32.559 people have likes on Facebook, if I finally get 00:46:32.559 --> 00:46:40.199 my own, if I finally, then, lie, lie, lie, lie, 00:46:40.199 --> 00:46:43.320 lie. I live in the Silicon Valley, and for reasons 00:46:43.320 --> 00:46:45.980 I don't understand, I've discipled a lot of people 00:46:45.980 --> 00:46:48.119 that are the wealthiest. I mean, I know three 00:46:48.119 --> 00:46:55.800 billionaires. Not these three. I have never seen 00:46:55.800 --> 00:46:58.699 people with so much money and so much sorrow 00:46:58.699 --> 00:47:02.739 who really thought that when they went public, 00:47:02.940 --> 00:47:05.139 when they had a few million or 10 million or 00:47:05.139 --> 00:47:07.139 100 million or a billion, and you know what? 00:47:07.179 --> 00:47:13.530 It doesn't matter. The human heart. I've literally 00:47:13.530 --> 00:47:16.190 sat in a room with someone who is worth over 00:47:16.190 --> 00:47:17.690 a billion dollars and said, you know, I just 00:47:17.690 --> 00:47:20.550 don't feel comfortable giving if my cash flow 00:47:20.550 --> 00:47:25.309 goes down between 500 million. And I just thought 00:47:25.309 --> 00:47:26.949 the deceptive of the human heart. And before 00:47:26.949 --> 00:47:28.909 I got very judgmental, God said, what's your 00:47:28.909 --> 00:47:31.869 number, Chip? Because I have one and you have 00:47:31.869 --> 00:47:36.090 one. All I want you to know is that it's a mirage. 00:47:36.369 --> 00:47:43.289 Don't buy the lie. You're already valuable. You 00:47:43.289 --> 00:47:48.289 matter. Those things are things to steward. Second, 00:47:48.369 --> 00:47:51.949 dress appropriately for your mate. Jim Burns 00:47:51.949 --> 00:47:56.449 is a counselor, a teacher, a friend, and he says 00:47:56.449 --> 00:47:59.710 practice awe, A -W -E, affirmation, warmth, and 00:47:59.710 --> 00:48:02.909 encouragement. This is what to do with your mate. 00:48:03.519 --> 00:48:06.719 And it's just a good little acronym. Do you understand 00:48:06.719 --> 00:48:09.179 that for every negative comment, your mate needs 00:48:09.179 --> 00:48:14.860 about 10 positive ones? You need to, you know, 00:48:14.940 --> 00:48:17.800 a business principal, I have a friend who's a 00:48:17.800 --> 00:48:20.260 really, really effective businessman. And one 00:48:20.260 --> 00:48:22.360 day he said, Chip, you know, our staff was growing. 00:48:22.599 --> 00:48:24.400 And he goes, Chip, do you want to be a really 00:48:24.400 --> 00:48:26.940 good leader and manager? I said, well, yeah. 00:48:27.519 --> 00:48:31.079 He goes, whatever you praise, that's what you 00:48:31.079 --> 00:48:34.960 get. He said, quit looking for what people were 00:48:34.960 --> 00:48:37.639 doing wrong and start catching him doing things 00:48:37.639 --> 00:48:40.159 right. And the moment you find, hey, wow, thanks 00:48:40.159 --> 00:48:41.800 for coming in a little bit early today. Boy, 00:48:41.880 --> 00:48:43.980 that was a great report. How long did that take? 00:48:44.000 --> 00:48:46.300 Well, thanks for doing that. Hey, I really appreciate 00:48:46.300 --> 00:48:49.440 that. And he said, if you will praise and affirm, 00:48:49.820 --> 00:48:52.679 he said, we're all, we're human beings. We all 00:48:52.679 --> 00:48:57.599 long. Ask yourself, how much affirmation? And 00:48:57.599 --> 00:49:00.659 I don't mean Pollyanna making stuff up. But I 00:49:00.659 --> 00:49:03.780 mean affirming your mate and warmth. There's 00:49:03.780 --> 00:49:08.619 an atmosphere that's acceptable, that's caring, 00:49:08.960 --> 00:49:11.519 that's, you know, so often for some of you, like 00:49:11.519 --> 00:49:13.719 on your way home or just before, I don't know 00:49:13.719 --> 00:49:15.659 how it works, who works where and does what, 00:49:15.800 --> 00:49:18.639 but before I walk in the door, I have a little 00:49:18.639 --> 00:49:20.579 process I go through driving on the way home 00:49:20.579 --> 00:49:23.219 that thinks, I need to get my mind, because I'm 00:49:23.219 --> 00:49:25.860 thinking this, this, this. Okay, I'm going to 00:49:25.860 --> 00:49:29.300 walk in. Okay, where's her day been today? What 00:49:29.300 --> 00:49:31.559 did she do? Where is she going to be at emotionally? 00:49:32.159 --> 00:49:35.000 And what does she need the moment I walk in the 00:49:35.000 --> 00:49:39.820 door? And you know how I learned that? By not 00:49:39.820 --> 00:49:44.489 doing that a lot. And I will tell you, for years, 00:49:44.630 --> 00:49:46.449 I mean, we had kids, and I ended up pastoring 00:49:46.449 --> 00:49:48.650 a church that's pretty good size and a lot of 00:49:48.650 --> 00:49:52.230 demand. And one of the things, we ate as a family. 00:49:52.369 --> 00:49:56.170 I bet four or five nights, 530, we ate as a family. 00:49:56.210 --> 00:49:58.070 We shared around the table. We prayed around 00:49:58.070 --> 00:50:01.389 the table. Man, that was the link. But when I 00:50:01.389 --> 00:50:04.789 came home, I just thought every woman did this. 00:50:04.809 --> 00:50:06.929 When I came home, my wife knew when I was coming 00:50:06.929 --> 00:50:10.449 home, she went, she put on fresh makeup. I came 00:50:10.449 --> 00:50:13.369 home every day to a wife. that looked and cared 00:50:13.369 --> 00:50:17.349 and created an invitation of warmth. I can get 00:50:17.349 --> 00:50:19.269 someone with their hair pulled back in sweatpants 00:50:19.269 --> 00:50:20.889 who look like she hadn't showered in a couple 00:50:20.889 --> 00:50:26.809 days. The people that your husband's working 00:50:26.809 --> 00:50:30.070 with or vice versa, they come put together. My 00:50:30.070 --> 00:50:33.210 wife created this atmosphere of warmth, of acceptance, 00:50:33.489 --> 00:50:36.230 and then encouragement. How do you lift them 00:50:36.230 --> 00:50:39.090 up? You know, a little act here. Hey, is there 00:50:39.090 --> 00:50:41.300 anything I can do to give you a hand? I found, 00:50:41.440 --> 00:50:44.139 are you ready for this? I found the counseling, 00:50:44.340 --> 00:50:47.239 out of the counseling, that running the vacuum 00:50:47.239 --> 00:50:48.920 was one of the most romantic things I could ever 00:50:48.920 --> 00:50:52.420 do. I'll tell you what, if running the vacuum 00:50:52.420 --> 00:50:54.619 a few times means we have a romantic night, hey, 00:50:54.719 --> 00:50:57.340 honey, give me that Hoover, baby. Hey, you know. 00:50:59.039 --> 00:51:03.619 But we all get loved in different ways. It's 00:51:03.619 --> 00:51:06.019 a heart of compassion. It's kindness. It's humility. 00:51:07.139 --> 00:51:10.949 And then we're going to, Wrap it with this. Have 00:51:10.949 --> 00:51:14.230 at least two couples conferences per week. I 00:51:14.230 --> 00:51:16.110 paid a lot of money for this and you get it for 00:51:16.110 --> 00:51:18.050 free. So you don't have to say thank you right 00:51:18.050 --> 00:51:20.670 now. But here's a conference. We didn't know 00:51:20.670 --> 00:51:23.090 how to communicate. Okay, I want you to imagine. 00:51:23.409 --> 00:51:25.690 Okay, here we go. Here we go. Here we go. This 00:51:25.690 --> 00:51:30.849 is, okay, you're going to do this today. You 00:51:30.849 --> 00:51:33.349 sit like this. Your mate sits like this. You 00:51:33.349 --> 00:51:35.710 make eye contact. You lean forward. And as the 00:51:35.710 --> 00:51:38.489 man, you say, what are you concerned about? And 00:51:38.489 --> 00:51:41.190 then visually, we'll put duct tape over your 00:51:41.190 --> 00:51:44.030 mouth and lean forward. Ladies, here's what you 00:51:44.030 --> 00:51:45.710 do. Anything that comes to your mind. It doesn't 00:51:45.710 --> 00:51:48.130 have to be, I'm concerned about one of our kids. 00:51:48.250 --> 00:51:50.010 I'm concerned about our relationship. I'm concerned 00:51:50.010 --> 00:51:51.449 about, you know, we don't have enough money. 00:51:51.510 --> 00:51:54.389 I'm concerned about your mom's health. And ladies, 00:51:54.469 --> 00:51:56.389 just until you can't think of anything else, 00:51:56.409 --> 00:51:58.690 guys, hang in there. They get shorter after a 00:51:58.690 --> 00:52:00.550 while. And then when you're done, and by the 00:52:00.550 --> 00:52:04.010 way, men, say nothing. The only thing you can 00:52:04.010 --> 00:52:07.030 do is nod and say, anything else? Okay, that's 00:52:07.030 --> 00:52:10.269 it. If you fix it, so help me, I'll knock you 00:52:10.269 --> 00:52:13.469 out. So then she says, what are you concerned 00:52:13.469 --> 00:52:17.449 about? And don't give her, not much. Everything's 00:52:17.449 --> 00:52:20.230 okay. She's been hearing that for years. I want 00:52:20.230 --> 00:52:24.489 you to sit there and go, well, I'm concerned 00:52:24.489 --> 00:52:28.030 I might get deployed. My supervisor, I think, 00:52:28.050 --> 00:52:29.989 is an unfair situation. I'm concerned about one 00:52:29.989 --> 00:52:32.409 of our sons. I'm concerned about our money, too. 00:52:33.929 --> 00:52:35.849 Gosh, I don't know if my mom's going to live 00:52:35.849 --> 00:52:40.639 or not. And then second question, you say to 00:52:40.639 --> 00:52:43.559 your wife, what do you wish? And by the way, 00:52:43.579 --> 00:52:45.420 again, it can be, I wish we'd win the lottery. 00:52:45.519 --> 00:52:47.860 I wish we could get relocated. I wish our marriage 00:52:47.860 --> 00:52:50.420 would be 10 times better than it is now. Go easy 00:52:50.420 --> 00:52:53.139 on that one. I wish we could go to Disneyland. 00:52:53.460 --> 00:52:55.679 I wish we get a check in the mail for $100 ,000. 00:52:55.900 --> 00:52:59.219 I wish, I wish, whatever. And then you get it. 00:53:00.059 --> 00:53:02.320 Don't interrupt her. I wish. And then the last 00:53:02.320 --> 00:53:04.239 question is, what are you willing to do? And 00:53:04.239 --> 00:53:05.760 here's the rule. You don't have to do anything. 00:53:07.279 --> 00:53:10.579 But here's what the conference does. It can take 00:53:10.579 --> 00:53:14.239 15, 20 minutes. Without arguing, what happens 00:53:14.239 --> 00:53:17.480 is you are going to hear all the things that 00:53:17.480 --> 00:53:20.039 are weighing down your partner's life, the burdens. 00:53:20.639 --> 00:53:24.360 And you're going to hear, if you chose to, where 00:53:24.360 --> 00:53:27.570 you could put wind in their sails. And so without 00:53:27.570 --> 00:53:29.550 arguing, without putting things, without trying 00:53:29.550 --> 00:53:31.590 to fix anything, all of a sudden, here's all 00:53:31.590 --> 00:53:33.869 the things that's weighing him down. Here's all 00:53:33.869 --> 00:53:35.710 the things that are weighing her down. Here's 00:53:35.710 --> 00:53:37.730 all the things that she wishes. Here's all the 00:53:37.730 --> 00:53:39.829 things he wishes. I remember the first one we 00:53:39.829 --> 00:53:41.590 had, I listened to all this. She was overwhelmed 00:53:41.590 --> 00:53:43.590 with our kids coming home with math homework. 00:53:44.190 --> 00:53:46.309 And we were not doing all that well. So I took 00:53:46.309 --> 00:53:48.730 a baby step. I'll take over the math homework. 00:53:49.030 --> 00:53:51.949 And she looked at me and said, really? I'm good 00:53:51.949 --> 00:53:53.530 in math. I'm not good in the other stuff. Yeah. 00:53:54.519 --> 00:53:56.579 And I mean, two weeks later, she goes, Chip, 00:53:56.699 --> 00:54:00.079 I said, what? I'm not sure I've ever felt more 00:54:00.079 --> 00:54:02.380 loved when you said that. And now every night 00:54:02.380 --> 00:54:05.099 you do math. I'm thinking, one, it was really 00:54:05.099 --> 00:54:07.539 easy. And two, part of it was they were working 00:54:07.539 --> 00:54:09.400 their mom. I just said, hey, do it again. I'll 00:54:09.400 --> 00:54:12.099 be back in about five minutes. There's something 00:54:12.099 --> 00:54:15.639 about a Marine dad that's pretty good. My biggest 00:54:15.639 --> 00:54:18.519 act of humility was I was so embarrassed to go 00:54:18.519 --> 00:54:21.159 to counseling. I was so embarrassed to sit in 00:54:21.159 --> 00:54:22.840 a room where someone might walk in and go, oh, 00:54:22.840 --> 00:54:24.539 there's a seminary student. He needs counseling. 00:54:24.940 --> 00:54:26.800 And the reason I would be embarrassed is because 00:54:26.800 --> 00:54:30.460 I was arrogant and proud. And your pride and 00:54:30.460 --> 00:54:33.559 your arrogance will keep you. God is opposed 00:54:33.559 --> 00:54:36.440 to the proud but gives grace to the humble. His 00:54:36.440 --> 00:54:40.340 grace always flows downhill. When he finds a 00:54:40.340 --> 00:54:42.239 man or a woman and says, I can't do this, will 00:54:42.239 --> 00:54:44.679 you help me? The Spirit of God and the grace 00:54:44.679 --> 00:54:50.239 of God will rush to meet you. This is Living 00:54:50.239 --> 00:54:52.800 on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and we're in our 00:54:52.800 --> 00:54:55.880 series called Choosing Love. If you're ready 00:54:55.880 --> 00:54:58.380 to turn today's challenge into lasting change, 00:54:58.820 --> 00:55:01.480 Chip's newest book, I Choose Love, gives you 00:55:01.480 --> 00:55:04.440 the practical roadmap you need. It doesn't just 00:55:04.440 --> 00:55:07.360 tell you what to do. It shows you how to do it. 00:55:07.480 --> 00:55:10.139 You'll learn to recognize the subtle ways pride 00:55:10.139 --> 00:55:12.519 and selfishness sabotage your relationships. 00:55:12.860 --> 00:55:15.920 You'll discover practical exercises to develop 00:55:15.920 --> 00:55:18.559 genuine humility. And you'll see how choosing 00:55:18.559 --> 00:55:21.639 agape love, the sacrificial, others -focused 00:55:21.639 --> 00:55:24.639 love of God, transforms even your most difficult 00:55:24.639 --> 00:55:27.920 relationships. I Choose Love addresses the real 00:55:27.920 --> 00:55:30.659 issues we all face. The tendency to need the 00:55:30.659 --> 00:55:33.099 last word. The subtle belief that our perspective 00:55:33.099 --> 00:55:36.280 is the truth. The grandiosity that shows up in 00:55:36.280 --> 00:55:39.670 small ways like chronic lateness. Chip gets brutally 00:55:39.670 --> 00:55:42.150 honest about his own struggles, and he shows 00:55:42.150 --> 00:55:45.050 you the path forward. If you're tired of broken 00:55:45.050 --> 00:55:47.750 relationships and ready to experience love that 00:55:47.750 --> 00:55:50.949 actually works, get your copy of I Choose Love 00:55:50.949 --> 00:55:55.449 today. Visit livingontheedge .org. And friend, 00:55:55.570 --> 00:55:57.829 this Bible teaching program is reaching you and 00:55:57.829 --> 00:56:00.309 countless others because of the faithful giving 00:56:00.309 --> 00:56:03.030 of listeners just like you. When you give to 00:56:03.030 --> 00:56:05.449 Living on the Edge, you're multiplying this message 00:56:05.449 --> 00:56:08.949 of transformative love around the world. Would 00:56:08.949 --> 00:56:12.230 you join us? Visit livingontheedge .org to give 00:56:12.230 --> 00:56:18.070 or just call us at 888 -333 -6003. Well, that 00:56:18.070 --> 00:56:20.590 wraps up today's episode. Don't miss the next 00:56:20.590 --> 00:56:22.969 Bible teaching message coming up here on the 00:56:22.969 --> 00:56:29.530 Chip Ingram Sermon Podcast. Today's program is 00:56:29.530 --> 00:56:31.929 produced and sponsored by Living on the Edge.