This is the Chip Ingram Sermon Podcast, brought
to you by Living on the Edge. In this podcast,
you'll hear Chip's teaching unedited and from
beginning to end. Well, here's Chip Ingram with
today's message, Cultivating Spiritual Intimacy.
You'll notice on your notes, it says sometimes
it's harder to keep love alive than others. Sometimes
you cope in a crisis. I don't know about you.
I mean, I have been married 42 years. This was
one of the hardest years of my marriage. You
know, we had a number of things planned. They
all got canceled. We had certain rhythms where
we went and did certain things. They were all
canceled. But there's all kind of times. Times
when you have a health issue. Sometimes when
you're separated or relocate. Sometimes financial
stresses put a lot of pressure on you. Or you
have a family crisis. Or one of your parents
is dying. Or going through a hard time. Or one
of your kids is either making you crazy or you
don't know what to do with them. Or there's a
moral failure. And all I want to say is going
through really challenging times doesn't mean
there's something wrong with you or your marriage.
In fact, after 42 years, I can tell you, not
that I have liked it, but it's been in the most
difficult, the most painful, the times when I
honestly wanted to give up. Those are actually
the windows of times where God can get your attention.
And instead of just having an okay marriage or
getting along or being compatible, some really
supernatural deep things can happen. And he works
in each of you individually. And then he worked
with you as a couple. When you're going through
difficult times, the person you generally take
it out on is who? The person who understands
you the most and you'd be critical in your tone
of voice. I was in pain a lot, so I had lack
of patience. And Teresa was very kind. It was
like, what's wrong with you? And so after all
these years, I would just sort of retreat a little
bit. But what I knew was our marriage, because
of all those things, was doing this. And if you've
been where I've been, even the little bit of
this starts to scare you. I think there's times
when you get discouraged or it gets dark, it
starts looping. And, you know, I would pray,
I would read, just kept looping. And I remember
saying, Lord, I really, this is weird. I really
need your help. And I've certainly been here
before. And I heard the Holy Spirit whisper,
Chip, draw near to me and I'll draw near to you.
That's a promise from God. And then I thought,
what if all the things in all my years, because
at this stage of my life, when it gets really
dark and evil, I know something's up. And I thought,
I went back to my earliest days, and I thought,
when I memorized big chunks of Scripture and
renewed my mind, And part of it was you got back
pain. You got people on the news yelling and
screaming at each other. You got violence on
the left, violence on the right. You got a country
falling apart. You got, I mean, there was so
many things that emotionally just, and what I
realized is I put the pause on all that external
stuff. And then I went back to John chapter 1
and re -memorized verses 1 through 18. And then
I went to Colossians 3. And then I would jump
over to Philippians 3 and I would walk through
that. And I went on like a rampage of I am going
to bombard my mind with truth. And everything
we're going to talk about is how do you move
up toward God and closer to one another. And
there's things you need to know. But there's
also skills you need to develop. And what I want
to talk about in our time is four skills that
we need to develop. But before I do, I'm going
to, remember I told you I was in Colossians a
lot? As I prayed about what to share, I literally,
I bet, I'm not going to exaggerate, but verses
12 through 17, I bet I've gone through that in
my mind hundreds of times. I've said it out loud
in the car. I've prayed it word by word, verse
by verse. And what I realized was all the skills
that I wanted to teach you, they all grow out
of this one passage. So as those who've been
chosen of God, holy and beloved, that's who you
are, here's what you do. Put on a heart of compassion,
kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.
bearing with one another and forgiving each other,
whoever has a complaint against anyone. Just
as the Lord forgave you, so also should you.
And beyond all these things, put on love, which
is the perfect bond of unity. Let the peace of
Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you
were called into one body and command, be thankful.
Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you
with all wisdom, teaching and admonishing one
another with psalms and hymns, in spiritual songs,
singing with thankfulness in your heart to God.
Whatever you do, in word or deed, do all in the
name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through
him to God the Father. Let me just give you a
brief little outline. The first line of chapter,
verse 12, tells you who you are. And so those
of you who are, in other words, when God sees
you, you're chosen, you're valued, you're precious,
you're holy, you're set apart because of your
connection to Christ. And the word beloved, it
means you are deeply and dearly loved just for
who you are. Here's what you need to understand.
How you see yourself and how you see or believe
that God sees you, is the fundamental issue behind
loving any person in the world. Because if you
don't grasp and accept that you are deeply loved
just for who you are, not for how you look, not
for how you perform, not for what you've done,
not for what you've accomplished, then you will
try in every relationship to get someone to validate
that you're an okay person. And you cannot impart
what you do not possess. People who have great
marriages are not trying to get the other person
to make their life work. They're understanding,
I am already chosen, I'm holy, I'm deeply, unconditionally
loved, and it's out of that, it's out of his
love, that I love my mate. The first command
is put on a heart. In other words, it's not just
an activity. Put on a heart of compassion, kindness,
humility, gentleness, and patience. Can you really
think about this? Can you imagine if each and
every day those things were growing inside you
just in your relationship with your mate? You
were more compassionate. You were kinder. You
were more humble. You were patient, bearing with
one another. Literally, the word means putting
up with the idiosyncrasies. forgiving each other,
whoever has a complaint, just as the Lord forgave
you. So the first command is that we put or clothe
ourselves. It's what we do in relationships.
And then notice the second command beyond all
these. It's not just doing the things. Put on
love. Unconditional. I'm for you. I give whether
I get anything back or not, which is the perfect
bond of unity. And the third command, it's interesting,
and sometimes in the text it looks so small,
it says be thankful. That's a separate command.
In other words, be grateful. Focus on what you
do have in your marriage. Focus what you do have
in life. Thank God for what you do have rather
than focus on what you don't have. And then he
goes, let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts.
Another command. We'll talk about what that means.
Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you.
Another command. And then whatever you do in
word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord
Jesus. So let's dig in. Skill number one. How
to develop spiritual intimacy. Spiritual intimacy
with Christ is cultivated by actively believing
two things. Number one, whose we are. In other
words, That you've chosen. You got your notes.
But open your Bibles if you will. And I'd like
to read from Colossians chapter 1. And I want
you to listen. This is true of you. If at a certain
day. On a certain point in your life. You have
grasped that you're not perfect. You don't have
it all together. And if God was giving out a
score. And your score would not be 100. What
the Bible calls that is a falling short. Or you've
sinned. If you become aware of that and realize
because that creates a barrier with the perfectly
holy God and you needed help and in the empty
hands of faith, you put your trust in Jesus to
pay for your sin and to cover your sin and connect
you. by faith to a living relationship, the Bible
says you were taken out of the kingdom of darkness
and you were placed in the kingdom of light because
you're united now with Jesus. That you actually
died with him and you've been raised with him
and now you're connected with him and he actually
lives inside of you. And if that's true, then
this is who you are. Follow along, if you will.
Verse 13 of chapter 1. For he has rescued us
from the dominion of darkness and brought us
into the kingdom of the Son that he loves, in
whom we have redemption. What's that? The forgiveness
of our sins. And now speaking of Jesus, this
is who chose you. He is the image or the icon
of the invisible God, the firstborn over all
creation. For by him all things were created,
things in heaven and things on earth, visible
and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers
or authority, all things were created by him
and for him. He is before all things, and in
him all things hold together. And he is the head
of the body, the church. He's the beginning of
the firstborn from among the dead, so that in
everything he might have supremacy. For God was
pleased. to have all his fullness dwell in him,
and through him to reconcile to himself all things,
whether things on earth or things in heaven,
by making peace through his blood shed on the
cross. Once you, that's you and me, were alienated
from God and were enemies in your minds because
of your evil behavior, but now he has reconciled
you. Some of you know what reconciliation is,
right? It's when you're enemies and then you're
friends. We were enemies of God because of our
sin, going our own way, either by passive indifference,
I don't care much about God, or active rebellion.
We were reconciled by Christ's physical body
to the death to present you wholly in His sight
without blemish and free from accusation. Since
you continue in your faith, establish firm and
not move from the hope held in the gospel. This
is the gospel that you heard and that's been
proclaimed to every creature under heaven and
of which I, Paul, have become a servant. Spiritual
intimacy with Christ is cultivated by actively
believing whose we are. You're his. You can't
work your way there. You can't get him to love
you more. Here's a thought that has just so blown
my mind. In this very moment, there is nothing
you could ever do to get God to love you more
than he loves you right now. And it gets even
more amazing. There is absolutely nothing you
could do, nothing, that could get him to love
you less. Now, you could make some decisions
and have some behaviors that could cause some
consequences that out of his love, he might bring
sort of the velvet vice to restore the relationship,
to help you grow. But he doesn't love you more
when you read the Bible. He doesn't love you
more when you pray. He doesn't love you more
when you do good things. He's not shocked when
you fall back into a sin pattern. If you could
ever grasp How much he loves you and chose you.
We all say we believe in grace, but we act like,
oh yeah, I got in by grace, but now I gotta,
it's up to me. God loves me when I'm good and
he doesn't when I'm bad. He loves you, period.
He chose you. He's for you. He delights in you.
The prayers of the upright are his delight. He
sings over you. He takes great delight in you.
I was in a conversation at the supper table and
the lady I sat next to, I had such a invigorating
conversation and we were talking about this.
She goes, you know, I just learned that God doesn't
want my devotions. He wants my devotion. It's
about us, our relationship. The second thing,
because see, you won't have intimacy with Christ
if somehow you keep trying to earn it. The second
is who you've become, that you're holy. Chapter
two, picking it up at verse nine. For in Christ,
all the fullness of deity dwells in bodily form.
That means all there is of God was in Jesus.
And you have been given fullness in Christ, who
is head over every power and authority. In him
you were also circumcised in the putting off
of your sinful nature. Not with the circumcision
done with hands of men, but a circumcision done
By Christ. A circumcision of the heart. Have
been buried with him in baptism. Raised with
him through faith in the power of God. Who raised
him from the dead. When you were dead in your
sins. And in the uncircumcision of your sinful
nature. God made you alive with Christ. He forgave
all of our sins. Having canceled out the written
code with regulations that was against us and
that stood opposed to us, he took it all away,
nailing it to the cross. And having disarmed,
this is the spiritual powers and authorities,
he made a public spectacle of them, triumphing
over them by the cross. God looks at you this
day through the lens of the blood of his son.
Not only you are precious and loved, but you
are forgiven. You are clean. That is your position
with him. And when you understand that, that's
the first step toward on that triangle, you as
the man, you as the woman, drawing near to God.
I don't know about you, but I didn't grow up
as a Christian and I did lots of things that
were not good. And after I became a Christian,
Every time I messed up, I didn't want to talk
to God. I thought I was going to get the hammer.
I had no idea that His love doesn't change just
because I mess up. But just like a father, I
have these little grandkids right now, some big
ones and some little ones, and they get to be
about 9 to 12 to 14 months, they start walking.
And some of you have kids or grandkids. You know,
when they start right, you know, they get in
their table, and they do this little bit, and
then what? Bam, right? And their parents do what
every good parent does. Get up! What's wrong
with you? Man, you're 10 months old. You ought
to be running by now. Get up right now. Come
on, honey. Tell them to get up. Is that what
you do? What do parents do? Or grandparents.
We're worse. I got the gene myself. Here, here,
Johnny, Johnny. Oh, oh, oh, get the camera. Get
the camera. Get the camera. He took two steps.
And we posted on Facebook, Instagram. Oh, my
gosh. Can you believe that? She took two steps.
I mean, they go nuts. So where do you think you
get that? When you say to God, I'm going to choose
to be the one that says I'm sorry, even though
I think it was 80 % her fault and 20 % mine.
God, I don't feel like reading the Bible, but
I made this commitment, and I want to develop
this, and it's kind of hard for me. I'm ADD.
I get distracted, but your Heavenly Father, He
just leans in. He just wants you. Intimacy. It's
believing that He wants you, that He loves you,
that He's for you. It's not for someone else
that when you draw near, He'll draw near to you.
And in terms of marriage, here's what I want
you to get. I said it earlier, you can't give
away what you do not have. Until you see yourself
the way God sees you and love your mate out of
overflow, you will instead have loving acts to
get your own needs met, to get what you want,
and to benefit you. And when you don't get them,
you get angry. And if you watch enough TV, you'll
believe lies like there's someone better out
there or that you ought to have no problems and
this person ought to come through. And so you
will love conditionally and your love will be
fragile and it will only be horizontal and it
will crack under pressure and you will probably
live a very painful life to learn that there
is no human being on the earth that can give
you what you're looking for. But you'll go through
relationship after relationship after relationship
demanding something that no one else can deliver.
Or you can come to believe and accept that God
will give you all that you have, but you need
to receive from Him first before you can give.
In my deepest times, when I wanted to walk out
of our relationship, by the way, I was in seminary.
Not a good place. Because even during counseling,
I would learn what we're supposed to do. And
it was like, okay, I'm doing my part. Teresa,
let's come with the program. You know, hey, we
were supposed to do this. I did this. You're
supposed to like get affectionate now. I took
out the trash three times this week. What don't
you get about this marriage? Perfunctorily with
a bad attitude, but that's beside the point.
I did the right thing so she would respond in
ways that I wanted her to. Our marriage stopped
when I took a long walk with God and in tears
said, God, I can't change her. And I heard the
Holy Spirit, you know, sometimes he whispers,
I think he shouted on this one. That's not your
job. There's only one person you can change,
Chip. That's you. I don't, If she never responds,
you made a vow. She's my daughter. I want you
to treat her like my daughter. I love her. I
want my love to go to her the way I give it to
you with no expectation of return. She doesn't
have to be more affectionate. She doesn't have
to say kinder words. Things don't have to be
warmer, better. You are now going to love her.
And if the only reason you do it is to please
me, that's enough. And I did. And she did. I've
been doing this for a long time. I've been a
pastor about 36, 38 years. And I'm going to say
this, and some of you, it's going to be like
BB's off a tank, but for the 10 % that will actually
listen, if I told you how many marriages are
in separation or divorce or broke up because
they had what they thought was a really big problem
that was about this big, and instead of recognizing,
yes, it's painful, yes, you feel rejection, yes,
you have feelings and thoughts and anger and
emotions you thought you could never feel toward
this person that you love, I get it, okay? And
you'll get through it. You roll up your sleeves
and you say, this marriage is terrible right
now. And then you make a huge shift and say,
I'll never change him. But I'm going to let God
change me. And you know, you understand that
every relationship is a system. When one person
changes, the dynamic changes. It just changes.
Spiritual intimacy is cultivated with your mate
by recognizing the supremacy of Christ's role
and relationship in your marriage. I read verses
15 through 18 where he is above all things. He's
the icon. It's a really interesting word. If
you take a piece of clay, soft clay, or in our
day, Play -Doh, and if you took like a coin,
like a silver dollar, and if you pressed it into
that real hard, and then you pulled out the silver
dollar, what would you have in the Play -Doh?
You'd have the exact image of that. Jesus is
the exact icon image of the invisible God. All
the fullness dwells in him. Did you remember
what we read? He created all things. He sustains
all things by the word of his power. All things
were created by him and for him. And he's the
head of the church. And he's the firstborn from
the dead. And he has supremacy over everything.
If you want to have intimacy in your relationship
horizontally, he has to have the same place in
your life and the same place in your marriage
that he has in the universe. That means if he
says, men, I want you to love your wife. Good
days, bad days. What's love look like? Well,
just ask Jesus. Well, what do you mean? He was
willing to die for his bride. You need to be
willing to die for her and not just metaphorically.
Well, put her needs ahead. Cherish her. Protect
her. Provide for her. Live with her in an understanding
way. You be Jesus to her. That's your call. Regardless
of how she responds. Well, why should I do that?
Because I'm God and I created it and I designed
it and I told you to. How's that? No, we're in
such air. The byproducts of marriage happen to
be that you get to have children. You're not
alone. You have good sex, if not great sex occasionally.
And you have a life companion. But the major
point of marriage is not so that you're happy
or even fulfilled. The major point of marriage
is it's a metaphor to declare Jesus and the church.
Your marriage, your love, your forgiveness, your
working through problems, you caring and loving
and cherishing and respecting is to be the picture
of Jesus and his bride. And the loudest, the
loudest, the greatest picture that the world
will ever see of Christians is marriages where
they love one another. Well, it's easy to love
one another. I mean, pagans can love one another
when everything's great. The church, your job,
my job, is to demonstrate as a man what Christ's
love is like to the church. And as a woman, what's
it like for a church to respond? in love and
respect and tender consideration and connection
to Christ. There's few things that will make
a bigger difference in the watching world than
your marriage. If you want to have intimacy,
it can't be like, God, I really want a great
marriage. Okay. There's some really good verses
here for my wife. Hon, you need to read these.
Man, these are really good ones. Yeah. I'm not
sure what all the submissive stuff is, but it
sounds pretty darn good. You want to have a great
marriage? I mean, can you imagine the designers
and the engineers and the people that have...
put together the things that you all do all around
the world. Can you just imagine going, you know,
I just don't read manuals. I'm just going to
do this any way I think is better. How would
that work? The creator of the universe has made
it clear what he wants you to do and what it
looks like. He did it because he loves you. He
did it because he's good. He did it because he
cares. And yes, it's counterintuitive. And by
the way, ready? It's hard. I had a guy come to
me and he's a young guy in the Silicon Valley
and has done real well financially. And we'd
meet him and think, oh, you have this beautiful
wife. you know, kids and a great job and blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah. And we were playing nine
holes of golf. And he goes, you know, I'm just,
I just, something's really, really wrong. I said,
what's that? He goes like this, man, I'm really
trying hard to be a good husband. It's just,
it's just shouldn't be this hard. There's always
something. I mean, there's always something,
you know, and then he, I don't want to be too
crass. We're good buddies. And by the way, he's
now done, you know, like a 180. But it was like,
you know, this and this and this and this. And
I'm thinking, would you grow up? Those are such,
you know, nickel and dime stuff. And so finally,
he actually played in the arena football, was
an excellent athlete. And so I just asked him,
I said, excuse me, can I ask you a question?
I said, did you ever do two days growing up in
football? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or what about
in college? you know, all American, all that
kind of stuff. Did you like hit the weight room
and nutrition? And oh man, it was like your life.
And this is what we did. And when you played
pro ball, like what was that like? And oh man,
I said, so what you're telling me is to be a
star and be a football player, it's really hard.
You get hit, you get up early, you lift weights,
you eat, you go to sleep and you focus your whole
life, but your wife's not worth that? Really?
Really? Who told you it's supposed to be easy?
In fact, here's the deal. I'm convinced, this
is Chip Ingram, not the Bible, so put this in
your notes, asterisk, Ingram thinks this, don't
know if it's really true. No, I'm serious. I
have a lot of Chip Ingram when I try to keep
to the Bible, but this is one of mine. I'm convinced
that God actually has created marriage in such
a way that it really doesn't work. I mean, two
people with different personalities that are
both selfish and both sinners, it really doesn't
work unless you follow the design and you get
to where he gives you unconditional love and
you can put the other person first and do all
the super counterintuitive stuff. Everything
that has made our marriage really, really good
is like, this is crazy. I'm the man. I should
get up and make coffee in the morning. I should
bring it to her. I should affirm her. I should
do this. What about me? And every time I keep
little by little learning what it means to cherish
her and serve her and help her discover her gifts
and understand in ways that they still don't
make sense to me how she thinks. You know what?
I don't have to understand it. But I've learned
to not fix it and just listen. And the more you
become like Jesus, the easier you are to live
with. Can you imagine that? Can you imagine being
married to someone who's very kind? Can you imagine
being married to someone who's humble, that just
on a regular basis, just not acts humble, but
just actually puts your needs ahead of theirs?
Or someone that bears with you that, you know,
the underwear is still on the floor, the toothpaste
is still like that, you still interrupt me when
we're with other people, and I love you. I mean,
it's an amazing thing. And that's the core of
building intimacy. Let's jump into how to get
really, really practical. Why build a marriage
God's way? First, because He commanded it. And
second, because it's for your benefit. And let
me give you some very specific benefits of marriage.
Doing it God's way. These are so helpful. I listed
them, and you'll notice there's a little asterisk,
and at the bottom, Divorce Proof Your Marriage
by Gary and Barbara Rosberg. Spiritual intimacy
allows you to connect at the deepest level. I
mean, we connect emotionally. We connect spiritually.
But I will tell you, the deepest possible connection
will be a connection of your spirits in the presence
of God that will build a bond that it like puts
the emotions on steroids and the physical on
steroids. Spiritual intimacy, as you draw closer
to God and as you begin, and we'll talk about
how, and by the way, I'm going to tell you a
little bit later, it's really a challenge to
develop spiritual intimacy. It's a lot easier
to develop physical intimacy or even emotional
intimacy. Second is spiritual intimacy links
you with God's purposes and plans for your life.
He says, I know the plans that I have for you,
Jeremiah, right? 29, 11. They're plans for good,
not for evil, for your welfare, to give you a
hope and a future. When you connect you with
God and her or him with God, then it aligns you
to know his voice and his plans and his direction
for your life. Third, spiritual intimacy allows
you to bless each other with God's love. That's
what I've been talking a lot about. All I can
tell you is we've overplayed. I'm not going to
go down my Hallmark story right now, but if I
watched like 50 Hallmarks, I would think that
all of love is about... ooey -gooey emotions,
starry -eyed, meeting people, and kissing when
it starts to snow. Based solely on physical attraction
by, seems to be, very, very pretty people who
live in really nice houses, who actually have
a lot of time to do everything except work, because
they, I mean, and within the first seven minutes,
I have no idea how it's going to end, except
I think they're going to fall in love. And 10
minutes before it's over, it doesn't look like
it's going to work. And oh, yes, it does. And
I don't mean that as crassly, but there's a diet
of that that is so permeated our culture. People
actually believe love is romantic feelings. And
we've developed such a narcissistic culture that
you think when you're unhappy, something's wrong.
You understand, Jesus was unhappy a lot. Hebrews
says in the course of his lifetime, he shed many
tears. He hurt for people. He was lonely. He
was rejected. He was tempted in every way, just
like you and just like me. He was fully human,
yet without sin. Part of life is down days, hard
days, struggle days. For you've been called to
this purpose since Christ also suffered for you.
Who though he suffered, he didn't revile or pay
back, but entrusted himself to a faithful creator.
Suffering is a part of life. We've lived in this
last... 30 to 40 years, and it's creeped more
and more into evangelical Christianity at all
levels that somehow Jesus wants to make you self
-fulfilled and happy and make everything go great.
And when Jesus doesn't do that, you're disillusioned.
When you demand from God promises he never made,
you're worshiping a God that doesn't exist. His
agenda is not to make you happy. He doesn't work
all things together for your good to those that
are called, to those that love him, so that you'll
be self -fulfilled and happy. How many people,
by the way, know Romans 8 .28? See, we interpret
that verse as God works all things together for
the good, for those that are called according
to his purpose. And the good that we define is
my life works. Hey, you say God's in control.
I don't have a job. I've lost my house, and I
don't have very much money, and my kid's got
to drop out of school for a year. So is God in
control? Of course he is. So when did God ever
promise that so other people can lose their house
but not you, that someone else can go out of
business, that you don't go through hardship?
Verse 29 doesn't say God's in control so your
life works out great. It says, verse 29, to conform
you to the image of his son. God's agenda is
to make you like Jesus. By the way, the challenges
in your marriage, God's number one issue probably
with the person that you're married to, it's
like sandpaper against sandpaper. It's probably
to make you more patient, more kind, more humble,
more loving, more compassionate by living with
them. Some of you think God gave you kids for
you. God gave you kids to change you. Boy, you
want to learn patience? It's like, oh God, may
we just get through the diaper stage, right?
Or can we just get through preteens? I got a
preteen that's like 35 right now. Right? And
then it's like, oh my, I thought it was bad when
they were two. This early adulthood, you know,
18 to 22, 23, they want all the response, all
the authority, but no responsibility. This is
just like when they were two. You know, I want
to do whatever I want. Well, who's paying for
the car and you live in the back bedroom? And
who paid for college? And I think I've said enough
to make the point. The benefits. Spiritual intimacy
opens the door to the deepest levels of communication.
When you are loved and chosen by God, you can
be vulnerable at a level. Because you know God
accepts and loves you. Part of our problems with
communication was we both had such warped views
of God and warped views of one another. We couldn't
be honest. Until I begin to grasp that God accepts
and loves me and that I'm secure, then you can
risk. See, what happens is that the spiritual
intimacy, the stronger that gets, it opens the
door for every other area. Spiritual intimacy
empowers your marriage to survive. Every couple
encounters circumstances that feel overwhelming.
The power of God is bigger than any situation
you'll ever face and can able you to stand firm
in the storms. Oh, I just have told so many couples,
don't give up too soon. Don't give up too soon.
Spiritual intimacy connects you to a supportive
body of believers. One of the things, if you
don't know it yet, is that you can't make it
and you can't have a great marriage by yourself.
You need other couples and you need some people
that you can do life with, that can share. When
you're spiritually connected, when you're a part
of a local body, God has a group of people that
when you're down, they can be up. You know, you
do life together and you watch their kids and,
you know, we never had any money. You know, you
watch our kids and we'll watch your kids and
we can get that little window to get away. Spiritual
intimacy is powerful. How do you develop personal
spiritual intimacy? I've given you a little Bible
study. It's from Colossians. And I'm not going
to go through all the verses. But let me just
show you from the passage, from the book, how
the Apostle Paul encourages that church and those
people. to develop spiritual intimacy. In verses
one through nine, he just asked for it. It's
an amazing prayer. God, I want them to know you.
And the word is a relational know you and your
will to know specifically in a deep, authentic
way. And then he says, beware of counterfeits.
He talks about three different errors that people
have in seeking to draw near to God. And then
he says, you know, guard your thought life. The
battle for your life is between your ears. 95
% of all spiritual warfare is in your thinking.
You have to learn to take every thought captive
in obedience to Christ. And then you have to
kill the spiritual competitors. We'll look at
this a little bit later, so it's just an overview.
After he talks about this new life that you have,
he says, consider the members of your earthly
body to be dead to immorality and impurity. to
evil desire, to lust, to greed, which amounts
to idolatry. You know, there's just, there's
certain things that you gotta cut off the supply
lines of people and of things that create desires
that pull you away from God and away from your
mate. And then you saturate your mind with God's
word. Three different times in the verse, verses
12 through 17, did you notice? I circled them
in my text. Three different times you're told
to be thankful. It's one of the most powerful
things in your relationship. It's hard to be
tempted by someone else to do something else
when you're grateful for who you have, you're
grateful for what you do have. And being thankful
isn't a feeling. You actually say it. God, thank
you. She's loyal. God, thank you. He's a provider.
God, thank you. Thank you for little things.
Before I went to bed last night, out of the blue,
my wife's an introvert, so I sort of take most
of the initiative, and I wish she would take
a little bit more initiative, even after 42 years.
And out of the blue, she called me in the middle
of the day, and just before I was about ready
to go to bed, I got this long text, and she called
me. I was just thinking of you and wanted to
hear how you were doing. Now, for some of you,
that wouldn't be a big deal. But for my wife,
and I just went, when I got to bed, God, thank
you. You know, we've been away from each other
about 12, 13 days. I really miss her. I really
love her. And I missed her. And just that the
Lord would prompt her just to call. Well, you
know what? When you thank God, it's hard to be
resentful or bitter or unforgiving. Well, let
me give you some practical ways to remove the
barriers and build some bridges. And perspective
first. I think this is a super big challenge,
especially for men. When I talk about spiritual
intimacy, and this is a general rule, it may
not be true, but most women are like, oh, yes,
yes, yes. I hope he's listening. If we could
just pray together. If he would just hold hands
with me. If he would just go to church with me.
Oh, if we would just, maybe we could read the
Bible, or maybe we could read a book together.
Oh, it would be so great. And most guys are going,
you know something? I know what I'm doing at
work. When it comes to this spiritual stuff and
leading a family and being spiritual, I'm not
only not confident, I'm not competent. I really
don't know what I'm doing. And I'm not sure I
want to admit that it's very threatening. And
I know you really want to do some stuff. And
this is just out of my territory. I mean, I'm
a pastor. And after I got married, and I knew
the Bible quite well before I got married, I
was intimidated by developing spiritual intimacy
with my wife. And so, ladies, one thing I would
say is, let him take some baby steps. And guys,
what I want to say is, it really is not rocket
science. And we're going to learn some steps
that you can take. And by way of motivation,
You'll have to think really hard about this.
You know that triangle where there's the spiritual,
emotional, the soul, and the physical, okay?
Would you be shocked if there's a relationship
between those? And by the way, there's a very
significant relationship between the bottom one.
Women in general, not always, I'm not trying
to make, you know, but they're nurture and more
relational. I mean, they love to talk. Just sit
and can we just take a walk? And what do you
want to do? Just be together. Okay. We're together.
Now what do you want to do? I'm really enjoying
this time with you, Chip. Great. Now what do
you want to do? Right? And there's this amazing
thing that when your hearts and spirits connect,
Some of us men tend to be a little bit more on
the activator side and we want to do things together
or we experience God's love physically a lot.
Not that sex is all there is, but there's few
things that makes a man feel more affirmed, more
valued than when his wife wants to make love
with him. Guys, what you need to understand is
that when a woman doesn't feel cherished, when
she doesn't feel connected spiritually, And when
she doesn't feel like there's this emotional
bond, it's just sex. And she feels used. She
wants to make love. But it grows out of the relationship.
And so many couples are, he does that, and you
do this, and then, you know, you fight about
frequency, you fight about money, you fight about
in -laws, you fight about schedules, and you
fight about where the money goes. And all those
things are, you know why? Because you're two
separate people in the same house. And I'm just
going to be blunt. It doesn't mean you're bad
people, but you are selfish. Because everyone
is. And some of you are more stylistically selfish,
more sophisticated selfish, but down deep, you
want your way. And when you get your way, you're
a happy camper. And when you don't, you're not.
And God wants to reverse that. And that means
you getting close to him. And so here's some
very practical ways to do that. And we'll wrap
it up. One, there's no one right way to develop
spiritual intimacy with your mate. Two, as a
general rule, women find it a bit more easy.
But there's steps I'll talk about in terms of
how to kind of build that spiritual intimacy.
There's no getting around praying together. I
mean, literally, I've had guys start where we're
going to pray silently together and hold hands
and then start with a few words. I don't know.
I didn't grow up as a Christian. It was two years
before I prayed out loud. And it was like, what
do you do? What do you say? Worshiping together.
A lot of people are, oh, we'll watch it later.
We can watch the service as a man. No, no, let's
sit down. Let's watch the service. Let's talk
about what it meant. Where did God speak to you?
Share what you're learning. I would love to say
I have a friend, very godly friend. He's 10 years
older. Someday I want to be like him. He's a
missionary in Zimbabwe and just godly, godly,
godly man. And I happen to know he and his wife
get up every morning. They read the Bible together.
They read a proverb together and they pray together
and read a portion of a book. Teresa and I tried
that for about the first week and almost killed
our marriage. We need separate time, and then
we come together and talk about where God's speaking
to us. You know, usually around the table. We
usually sit at least 15, 20 minutes every day,
just have a cup of coffee and just connect. What's
going on? Either really, really early in the
morning or at a meal or two. And, you know, it's
weird. In our house, she's funny. She prays like
crazy. But as we go to bed, like, I want us both
to pray out loud. She doesn't want to pray out
loud at night. It bugged me for about 20 years.
I'm a pastor. We're supposed to pray together
and out loud. Chip, you pray. I'm here. I'm really...
I mean, she prays like crazy, and we pray together
other times, but to me, it's like... Are you
getting my point? There's not a right way. As
a couple, how do you connect? Of course... You
got to be in the scripture somehow. Individually,
you got to share. You have to be upward. You
got to pray. You've got to be a part of a worshiping
community. What I've learned is take baby steps.
Take baby steps. Most of life changes are just
the first incremental domino. That's the key.
And to do something small consistently and it'll
grow. Pray for your mate. And let me encourage
you, don't pressure your mate and don't judge
your mate. Don't assume where they're at with
the Lord. Obviously, there's some fruit or lack
of it, but it's not very motivating. You know,
like as one wife told me, you know, I set the
Bible out and I put it right in the passage that
I thought would help him the most. I couldn't
figure out why he doesn't want to read the Bible.
I said, honey, let me tell you why. He wants
a wife, not a mother. And no one wants to be
told what they ought to do. And, you know, I'm
trying to be really kind to you guys. Part of
it is, just shut up and step up. Do what feels
very unnatural. Just look at your wife, grab
her hand. If you have a watch, set it for five
minutes. You'll never go longer. We're going
to pray together. You start and I'll finish and
hope she goes four. But I'm serious. At some
point in time, right? It's like getting in shape.
Someday, someway, I'm going to start. You know
what? Someday, you just start. You grab her hand.
You're the man. Grab her hand. I don't feel comfortable.
This feels awkward. I don't know exactly what
I'm doing. Just get that out on the open if that's
where you're at. By the way, If you got some
tension and stuff going, just why don't we hold
hands for two or three minutes and pray silently.
And just if anything comes to our mind that any
resentment or bitterness, just privately, well,
let's, why don't we spend a minute and ask God
to help us forgive each other the way he's forgiven
us. I'm just telling you, you take a step. toward
God and he will run to meet you. This is Living
on the Edge with Chip Ingram and we're in our
series called Choosing Love. If you're ready
to turn today's challenge into lasting change,
Chip's newest book, I Choose Love, gives you
the practical roadmap you need. It doesn't just
tell you what to do. It shows you how to do it.
You'll learn to recognize the subtle ways pride
and selfishness sabotage your relationships.
You'll discover practical exercises to develop
genuine humility. And you'll see how choosing
agape love, the sacrificial, others -focused
love of God, transforms even your most difficult
relationships. I Choose Love addresses the real
issues we all face. The tendency to need the
last word. The subtle belief that our perspective
is the truth. The grandiosity that shows up in
small ways like chronic lateness. Chip gets brutally
honest about his own struggles, and he shows
you the path forward. If you're tired of broken
relationships and ready to experience love that
actually works, get your copy of I Choose Love
today. Visit livingontheedge .org. And friend,
this Bible teaching program is reaching you and
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or just call us at 888 -333 -6003. Well, that
wraps up today's episode. Don't miss the next
Bible teaching message coming up here on the
Chip Ingram Sermon Podcast. Today's program is
produced and sponsored by Living on the Edge.