WEBVTT 00:00:11.439 --> 00:00:14.179 Today on Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. 00:00:14.259 --> 00:00:17.960 I'd like you to think with me, who is someone's 00:00:17.960 --> 00:00:20.899 marriage that you think, I would love to have 00:00:20.899 --> 00:00:23.399 a marriage like theirs? Now, here's what I'm 00:00:23.399 --> 00:00:27.019 going to tell you. They have learned one particular 00:00:27.019 --> 00:00:30.280 skill in their marriage that you need to learn. 00:00:30.500 --> 00:00:32.719 And that skill is what I'm going to talk about 00:00:32.719 --> 00:00:37.399 today. Stay with me. Conflict is inevitable. 00:00:37.960 --> 00:00:40.479 It flows from different perspectives, selfish 00:00:40.479 --> 00:00:43.840 desires, and personality clashes. But healthy 00:00:43.840 --> 00:00:46.560 conflict produces growth when addressed wisely 00:00:46.560 --> 00:00:49.979 and lovingly. Today on Living on the Edge, Chip 00:00:49.979 --> 00:00:52.399 Ingram teaches the two predictable patterns couples 00:00:52.399 --> 00:00:55.299 follow. There's the negative dance, defensive, 00:00:55.560 --> 00:00:58.759 blaming, attacking, always focused on I and you. 00:00:58.960 --> 00:01:02.159 Then there's the positive dance where we replaces 00:01:02.159 --> 00:01:05.920 I and resolution becomes possible. If conflict 00:01:05.920 --> 00:01:08.480 feels destructive in your marriage, this message 00:01:08.480 --> 00:01:11.319 offers hope. Here's Chip Ingram with a new message 00:01:11.319 --> 00:01:15.319 titled, Resolving Conflict Peaceably. We are 00:01:15.319 --> 00:01:17.939 looking at skill number three. It's how to resolve 00:01:17.939 --> 00:01:20.620 conflict. Are you ready for this? Peaceably. 00:01:22.480 --> 00:01:26.340 You know, so nobody gets hurt. Number one, here's 00:01:26.340 --> 00:01:28.900 a biblical perspective of conflict. Number one, 00:01:28.900 --> 00:01:31.760 it is inevitable. Jesus said, in the world you 00:01:31.760 --> 00:01:34.739 will have tribulation. So we wouldn't be surprised. 00:01:35.140 --> 00:01:38.480 Second, it flows from our differences in perspective. 00:01:39.780 --> 00:01:44.000 Paul and Barnabas, remember, John Mark was a 00:01:44.000 --> 00:01:48.060 flake. He went back. The next trip, Barnabas 00:01:48.060 --> 00:01:49.620 says, hey, I think we should take John Mark. 00:01:50.250 --> 00:01:52.709 He's the son of encouragement, his gifts, his 00:01:52.709 --> 00:01:55.510 philosophy. Everyone fails sometimes. Let's bring 00:01:55.510 --> 00:01:59.450 him along. Paul is very mission A type. You know 00:01:59.450 --> 00:02:01.370 what? We are not going to sacrifice the mission. 00:02:01.430 --> 00:02:04.090 He blew it one time. The mission is more important. 00:02:04.209 --> 00:02:05.829 If you want to help him, you stick around and 00:02:05.829 --> 00:02:09.330 help him. And it says they had such a sharp disagreement, 00:02:09.430 --> 00:02:13.009 we get our word schism. And Paul and Barnabas 00:02:13.009 --> 00:02:15.569 went different ways. I don't think either of 00:02:15.569 --> 00:02:18.840 them were wrong. One was an encourager that needed 00:02:18.840 --> 00:02:21.159 to help a guy. The other realized, you know what? 00:02:22.199 --> 00:02:25.419 Jesus told me to take the gospel to all the world 00:02:25.419 --> 00:02:27.979 and I can't risk the mission on a guy that I 00:02:27.979 --> 00:02:32.159 can't depend on. So there's differences in perspective. 00:02:34.319 --> 00:02:37.840 Sometimes it's just selfish desires. James would 00:02:37.840 --> 00:02:40.620 say, what are the causes of fights and quarrels 00:02:40.620 --> 00:02:43.219 among you? Don't they come? From your desires 00:02:43.219 --> 00:02:45.560 or your lusts that battle within you. You want 00:02:45.560 --> 00:02:47.840 something. You don't get it. You kill. You covet. 00:02:48.000 --> 00:02:50.020 But you can't have what you want. You quarrel 00:02:50.020 --> 00:02:52.159 and fight. You do not have because you do not 00:02:52.159 --> 00:02:54.759 ask God. And when you do ask God, you ask with 00:02:54.759 --> 00:02:57.000 the wrong motives. That you can spend it on your 00:02:57.000 --> 00:03:00.060 pleasures. You know, behind a lot of conflict 00:03:00.060 --> 00:03:04.430 is just plain old selfishness and sin. And then 00:03:04.430 --> 00:03:06.909 finally, sometimes it's just personality differences. 00:03:06.969 --> 00:03:10.129 Paul has a couple ladies in Euodia and Syntyche. 00:03:10.270 --> 00:03:12.710 And he says they're both great. They're both 00:03:12.710 --> 00:03:14.770 helpers. They're both wonderful people. But they 00:03:14.770 --> 00:03:17.710 can't get along. Maybe it's personality. We don't 00:03:17.710 --> 00:03:20.770 know. But they needed an outside help. They needed 00:03:20.770 --> 00:03:23.129 a counselor, according to Paul. I want you to 00:03:23.129 --> 00:03:25.689 get these two ladies together. They're both super. 00:03:26.349 --> 00:03:29.750 But together, they just rub each other the wrong 00:03:29.750 --> 00:03:32.819 way. All I want you to get is this. Conflict 00:03:32.819 --> 00:03:35.719 is normal, and healthy conflict produces an opportunity 00:03:35.719 --> 00:03:40.219 for growth, but can be destructive unless addressed 00:03:40.219 --> 00:03:43.819 wisely, lovingly, and with rules to govern the 00:03:43.819 --> 00:03:48.360 process. Our text is Colossians 3, verses 12 00:03:48.360 --> 00:03:54.219 through 17. So, as those have been chosen by 00:03:54.219 --> 00:03:58.169 God, holy and beloved, that's who we are. We're 00:03:58.169 --> 00:04:02.789 putting on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, 00:04:03.189 --> 00:04:07.449 gentleness, and patience, bearing with one another, 00:04:07.610 --> 00:04:11.310 and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint 00:04:11.310 --> 00:04:14.590 against anyone. Forgiving one another, just as 00:04:14.590 --> 00:04:18.850 the Lord forgave you, so also should you. And 00:04:18.850 --> 00:04:23.029 beyond all these things, put on love, which is 00:04:23.029 --> 00:04:26.550 the perfect bond of unity. And let the peace 00:04:26.550 --> 00:04:29.110 of Christ rule in your hearts to which you've 00:04:29.110 --> 00:04:34.110 been called into one body and be thankful. The 00:04:34.110 --> 00:04:36.250 command is, here's the command. It's real simple. 00:04:36.430 --> 00:04:39.850 We are to deal with our mates as Christ has dealt 00:04:39.850 --> 00:04:43.129 with us and deals with us. Okay, that's the issue. 00:04:44.490 --> 00:04:48.290 If you get nothing else, what would that look 00:04:48.290 --> 00:04:51.480 like if you would say, There's a conflict. There's 00:04:51.480 --> 00:04:54.459 a disagreement. I'm angry. I'm bitter. I'm resentful. 00:04:54.519 --> 00:04:57.300 Why did she do that again? I can't believe he 00:04:57.300 --> 00:04:59.480 did that. We've talked about it a hundred times. 00:04:59.680 --> 00:05:02.220 And when you come together, your one goal is 00:05:02.220 --> 00:05:05.579 I want to treat him or I want to treat her the 00:05:05.579 --> 00:05:09.600 way Christ treats me. Doesn't mean you're not 00:05:09.600 --> 00:05:12.800 going to have conflict. But I'll guarantee if 00:05:12.800 --> 00:05:16.439 you bear with one another, if you forgive one 00:05:16.439 --> 00:05:19.540 another, If you're beyond all these things put 00:05:19.540 --> 00:05:22.339 on love, and if you let the peace of Christ rule 00:05:22.339 --> 00:05:25.139 in your hearts, it'll come out a lot differently. 00:05:26.300 --> 00:05:28.259 Turn the page, if you will, and I want to give 00:05:28.259 --> 00:05:31.120 you this picture before I walk through a little 00:05:31.120 --> 00:05:34.819 acronym that's helped me. Jim Burns is a good 00:05:34.819 --> 00:05:38.279 friend, and he's a marriage and family therapist 00:05:38.279 --> 00:05:41.240 and speaker. And he says there's a negative dance 00:05:41.240 --> 00:05:46.199 and there's a positive dance. And it's very predictable. 00:05:47.110 --> 00:05:49.589 So you start at the top. There's tension, friction, 00:05:49.790 --> 00:05:53.129 problem, pain, misunderstanding. And you can 00:05:53.129 --> 00:05:55.189 fill it in. In fact, for some of you, you don't 00:05:55.189 --> 00:05:57.490 have to think too hard. You can just think of 00:05:57.490 --> 00:06:01.370 some of the real recent ones. The negative dance 00:06:01.370 --> 00:06:04.389 is defensive. Blaming, anger, control, attack. 00:06:04.829 --> 00:06:07.810 And the I language appears. I did this. You ought 00:06:07.810 --> 00:06:11.230 to do that. I did this. It's very defensive. 00:06:12.170 --> 00:06:14.550 The positive dance is there's tension, friction, 00:06:14.750 --> 00:06:18.110 problem, pain, misunderstanding. And the response 00:06:18.110 --> 00:06:21.410 is we. We assume responsibility and we work together 00:06:21.410 --> 00:06:23.790 to resolve the issue. I'm going to give you some 00:06:23.790 --> 00:06:26.290 tools to do that. By the way, in most conflict, 00:06:26.550 --> 00:06:30.430 you have sharks and turtles. Some by personality, 00:06:30.730 --> 00:06:34.689 some by gender. And so in a conflict, there's 00:06:34.689 --> 00:06:37.009 some of you that what you do is instinctively 00:06:37.009 --> 00:06:38.629 because of your background, your personality, 00:06:38.910 --> 00:06:41.500 you just pull your head in. And man, you know, 00:06:41.540 --> 00:06:45.439 all you can get is a shell. And then there's 00:06:45.439 --> 00:06:49.600 those of us, you know, we just swarm the water. 00:06:50.040 --> 00:06:51.819 And you know what? We are gonna, we're gonna 00:06:51.819 --> 00:06:54.519 win and we're gonna attack. And if we have verbal 00:06:54.519 --> 00:06:56.959 skills, we're gonna reframe it. And you did this. 00:06:57.000 --> 00:06:59.839 By the time we're done, we were the problem and 00:06:59.839 --> 00:07:03.680 you feel like it's all your fault. And then you 00:07:03.680 --> 00:07:07.910 realize it's not. And then you resent us. And 00:07:07.910 --> 00:07:10.250 we have manipulated. And we've been unkind. And 00:07:10.250 --> 00:07:12.870 we haven't been bearing with one another. And 00:07:12.870 --> 00:07:15.089 we haven't been forgiving. And we haven't been 00:07:15.089 --> 00:07:19.990 humble. We haven't been patient. But here, it's 00:07:19.990 --> 00:07:24.089 a we. Okay, we have an issue. We'll talk about 00:07:24.089 --> 00:07:27.990 getting that on the table. And then the we issue 00:07:27.990 --> 00:07:31.750 goes to resolution without a win or lose. Okay, 00:07:32.189 --> 00:07:34.629 yeah, this is a problem. How should we solve 00:07:34.629 --> 00:07:37.870 it? What are our options? Let's define the problem 00:07:37.870 --> 00:07:40.970 together. Let's calmly talk about it in a way 00:07:40.970 --> 00:07:43.949 that I'll show you. And what did we learn from 00:07:43.949 --> 00:07:48.189 this? What was really going on? And as a result, 00:07:48.230 --> 00:07:52.490 what happens is you learn about each other. What 00:07:52.490 --> 00:07:55.370 would God have us do in this situation? You see 00:07:55.370 --> 00:07:58.310 it this way. I see it that way. And we're at 00:07:58.310 --> 00:08:04.769 odds. What does the umpire, what's he say about 00:08:04.769 --> 00:08:08.480 this? Or do we need someone from the outside 00:08:08.480 --> 00:08:12.079 since we're at a deadlock because we want this 00:08:12.079 --> 00:08:14.540 to go better? Do we need someone on the outside 00:08:14.540 --> 00:08:17.779 to coach us and help us, mentor through this, 00:08:17.860 --> 00:08:20.639 who's objective because obviously neither of 00:08:20.639 --> 00:08:24.819 us are. And if we could have solved it, we probably 00:08:24.819 --> 00:08:27.620 would have solved it by now. And when you do 00:08:27.620 --> 00:08:29.699 that, then the result is authentic oneness and 00:08:29.699 --> 00:08:32.220 a feeling of being loved. And conflict actually 00:08:32.220 --> 00:08:35.730 becomes something where You grow closer. As iron 00:08:35.730 --> 00:08:38.250 sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. Or 00:08:38.250 --> 00:08:42.070 one man and one woman sharpen another. So how 00:08:42.070 --> 00:08:46.110 do you take a problem and diffuse it, spread 00:08:46.110 --> 00:08:49.629 it out, so you get God's perspective and you 00:08:49.629 --> 00:08:52.029 deal with it? Well, here's the acronym. The D 00:08:52.029 --> 00:08:57.850 is for define the problem on your own. Define 00:08:57.850 --> 00:09:04.559 the problem on your own. Proverbs 15 .4 says, 00:09:04.700 --> 00:09:06.940 The discerning heart seeks knowledge, but the 00:09:06.940 --> 00:09:10.120 mouth of a fool feeds on folly. When you have 00:09:10.120 --> 00:09:12.759 a disagreement, don't start by solving it with 00:09:12.759 --> 00:09:16.419 the person. Get by yourself and ask, What's bothering 00:09:16.419 --> 00:09:23.720 me? How do I feel? When did this all begin? The 00:09:23.720 --> 00:09:28.639 I is for initiate a time to talk. Matthew 5. 00:09:29.230 --> 00:09:31.710 23 and 24 says, therefore, if you're offering 00:09:31.710 --> 00:09:34.190 your gift at the altar and there remember your 00:09:34.190 --> 00:09:36.809 brother or mate has something against you, leave 00:09:36.809 --> 00:09:39.610 your gift there at the altar. First go and be 00:09:39.610 --> 00:09:43.009 reconciled to your brother or your mate and then 00:09:43.009 --> 00:09:46.850 come and offer your offering. You're listening 00:09:46.850 --> 00:09:49.450 to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. We'll 00:09:49.450 --> 00:09:51.769 continue with Chip's teaching in just a minute. 00:09:52.080 --> 00:09:54.360 The message you're hearing today is part of our 00:09:54.360 --> 00:09:57.379 series, Choosing Love. If you want to dig deeper 00:09:57.379 --> 00:09:59.639 into these powerful principles, the complete 00:09:59.639 --> 00:10:03.039 series is waiting for you online at livingontheedge 00:10:03.039 --> 00:10:07.000 .org. You'll discover additional teaching, downloadable 00:10:07.000 --> 00:10:09.820 resources, and study questions to help you apply 00:10:09.820 --> 00:10:13.600 these truths. Visit us online at livingontheedge 00:10:13.600 --> 00:10:17.779 .org. Now let's get back to the message. When 00:10:17.779 --> 00:10:21.279 I say initiate a time to talk, jot these down. 00:10:22.220 --> 00:10:27.620 Right time, right place. Trying to solve a complex 00:10:27.620 --> 00:10:31.779 problem at the wrong time and the wrong place 00:10:31.779 --> 00:10:36.500 will not go well. It's a time that's good for 00:10:36.500 --> 00:10:42.139 both of you. Don't be pushy, but don't procrastinate. 00:10:42.899 --> 00:10:45.940 No, we really need to meet. Well, I'm exhausted 00:10:45.940 --> 00:10:47.820 now and I go to pick up the kids and I've got 00:10:47.820 --> 00:10:49.279 to do this and I've got to do that. Yeah, and 00:10:49.279 --> 00:10:53.009 I've got a big meeting. Okay, then. Friday morning, 00:10:53.190 --> 00:10:57.669 okay? There's some things that are on my heart 00:10:57.669 --> 00:11:00.850 I just want to discuss. So you've defined it. 00:11:00.870 --> 00:11:04.850 You're clear. You've talked with the Lord. You 00:11:04.850 --> 00:11:08.529 initiate a time to talk. The F is focus on the 00:11:08.529 --> 00:11:14.450 perceived problem, not the person. Proverbs 18, 00:11:14.649 --> 00:11:17.590 19 says, an offended brother is more unyielding 00:11:17.590 --> 00:11:20.509 than a fortified city. and disputes are like 00:11:20.509 --> 00:11:28.490 the barred gates of a citadel. One of the huge 00:11:28.490 --> 00:11:32.049 issues in our marriage was we, neither of us, 00:11:32.070 --> 00:11:36.429 her family didn't have any conflict because it 00:11:36.429 --> 00:11:40.610 was illegal. And my folks, they would have conflict, 00:11:40.669 --> 00:11:45.090 but they came from the school, let's not do it 00:11:45.090 --> 00:11:48.039 in front of the kids. So we never saw how conflict 00:11:48.039 --> 00:11:52.679 got resolved. And my dad blew up and my mom stuffed. 00:11:54.399 --> 00:11:57.539 And you do understand that left to yourself, 00:11:57.620 --> 00:12:01.200 you pretty much do what, not what people told 00:12:01.200 --> 00:12:04.179 you, but what was modeled. And so you gotta, 00:12:04.240 --> 00:12:06.980 when I said some of you, you gotta break out 00:12:06.980 --> 00:12:10.210 of old patterns and develop new ones. And so, 00:12:10.309 --> 00:12:12.350 jot this down. This is going to be important. 00:12:12.610 --> 00:12:15.750 The way you bring up a problem without attacking 00:12:15.750 --> 00:12:19.769 the person is called a I feel message. This was 00:12:19.769 --> 00:12:22.830 on our refrigerator for two years. An I feel 00:12:22.830 --> 00:12:27.529 message. Let me tell you, and I'll just make 00:12:27.529 --> 00:12:29.149 it, because I want you to know that it doesn't 00:12:29.149 --> 00:12:31.610 have to be over a big thing. It's usually big 00:12:31.610 --> 00:12:36.350 stuff under the surface. So, I'm late. Why are 00:12:36.350 --> 00:12:38.769 you late again? Don't you even care? You should 00:12:38.769 --> 00:12:41.269 come home on time. I fixed all this food and 00:12:41.269 --> 00:12:43.129 you don't even care. You don't even give a rat. 00:12:43.210 --> 00:12:45.429 Who are you to tell me what to do all the time? 00:12:45.549 --> 00:12:47.529 My lands. I'm working full time. I'm going to 00:12:47.529 --> 00:12:49.610 school full time. I'm supporting the kids. I'm 00:12:49.610 --> 00:12:51.970 up late. I'm up early. I'm studying Greek. Man, 00:12:52.049 --> 00:12:56.470 I got to have some fun too. Well, silence, bedroom. 00:12:57.090 --> 00:13:03.009 Here we go. Three day journey. All over dinner, 00:13:03.169 --> 00:13:07.940 except it wasn't. What I would learn later is 00:13:07.940 --> 00:13:10.740 I spent all day doing something to say I love 00:13:10.740 --> 00:13:13.480 you and I fixed it. You didn't show up and you 00:13:13.480 --> 00:13:17.279 didn't even call. And what I heard was there's 00:13:17.279 --> 00:13:19.440 no room for me to have a life of my own. I'm 00:13:19.440 --> 00:13:22.039 busting it like crazy. I'm already insecure about 00:13:22.039 --> 00:13:24.840 figuring out how to be a dad to two kids that 00:13:24.840 --> 00:13:31.330 I adopted a year ago. And when you start with 00:13:31.330 --> 00:13:34.149 that, you should, you ought, man, for a man, 00:13:34.230 --> 00:13:36.129 those are fighting words. You ought, you should, 00:13:36.230 --> 00:13:38.250 you always, you never. That's how mothers talk 00:13:38.250 --> 00:13:40.990 to sons. Let me tell you, those are fighting 00:13:40.990 --> 00:13:43.970 words, both directions. Adults don't talk to 00:13:43.970 --> 00:13:48.049 adults like that. That's authority to inferiors. 00:13:49.149 --> 00:13:53.250 Well, then if that's true, then how do you get 00:13:53.250 --> 00:13:56.049 it on the table without saying you ought, you 00:13:56.049 --> 00:13:58.759 should, raising your voice? It's an I feel message. 00:13:58.980 --> 00:14:02.200 So here's the picture. These are the stories 00:14:02.200 --> 00:14:04.200 you're about to hear. The names have not been 00:14:04.200 --> 00:14:07.639 changed to protect not the innocent, okay? So 00:14:07.639 --> 00:14:09.679 this was, you know, we're in counseling and we're 00:14:09.679 --> 00:14:12.120 working through all this. And so, you know, it's 00:14:12.120 --> 00:14:14.360 another time and I'm feeling bad and I'm feeling 00:14:14.360 --> 00:14:17.159 guilty and I'm not going to attack her. But I 00:14:17.159 --> 00:14:19.159 walk in and it was such a great game. I mean, 00:14:19.159 --> 00:14:22.399 we just kept winning. It was so wonderful. And 00:14:22.399 --> 00:14:24.539 there's a brotherhood. There's something about 00:14:24.539 --> 00:14:27.120 hanging with guys you haven't met and doing it 00:14:27.120 --> 00:14:30.100 that I just loved. And so I walk in, and the 00:14:30.100 --> 00:14:33.539 kids aren't around. And the table's set, and 00:14:33.539 --> 00:14:36.759 there's candles lit. And I'm going, oh, gosh. 00:14:37.259 --> 00:14:39.659 Why does she always do this when I play basketball? 00:14:40.720 --> 00:14:42.980 And she's thinking, why does she always play 00:14:42.980 --> 00:14:46.360 basketball when I do this? And so I came in, 00:14:46.419 --> 00:14:52.779 and she was calm in her right mind. No, no, I'm, 00:14:52.879 --> 00:14:55.639 you know, no fire in her eyes. Hey, it's like, 00:14:55.720 --> 00:14:58.559 hey, something's wrong here, you know? It's like 00:14:58.559 --> 00:15:00.159 you're on patrol and you know, I don't know what's 00:15:00.159 --> 00:15:01.460 wrong, but I can feel it. Something's wrong. 00:15:02.379 --> 00:15:05.779 And she goes, are you still hungry? I said, yeah, 00:15:05.799 --> 00:15:07.840 well, it's in the oven. I'll get it for you. 00:15:09.720 --> 00:15:14.320 No, sit down. Candles are still lit. So she gets 00:15:14.320 --> 00:15:16.580 it out of the oven and puts it on the table and 00:15:16.580 --> 00:15:23.240 then she sits down. She doesn't look mad. Is 00:15:23.240 --> 00:15:25.120 this reverse psychology? What's coming on here? 00:15:25.179 --> 00:15:27.919 This is really starting to scare me. So, you 00:15:27.919 --> 00:15:30.580 know, I eat and she lets me eat. And do you like 00:15:30.580 --> 00:15:33.379 it? Yeah. And I'm thinking, I think I'm just 00:15:33.379 --> 00:15:38.220 going to get by with this. You know, and so right 00:15:38.220 --> 00:15:41.940 time. She processed personally what the real 00:15:41.940 --> 00:15:47.759 issue was. Right time, right way, candles. And 00:15:47.759 --> 00:15:50.139 then she looks at me, leans over, eyeball to 00:15:50.139 --> 00:15:53.049 eyeball. She said, Chip, can I tell you something? 00:15:53.889 --> 00:16:00.090 I said, sure. She said, I spent half of the day 00:16:00.090 --> 00:16:05.570 preparing this meal for you because I love you. 00:16:07.049 --> 00:16:13.610 I feel hurt when you don't call and you don't 00:16:13.610 --> 00:16:16.929 get to enjoy this meal that I made to express 00:16:16.929 --> 00:16:22.610 my love for you. I feel hurt. See, you can't 00:16:22.610 --> 00:16:26.809 argue with someone's feelings. And because she 00:16:26.809 --> 00:16:29.110 did it in that way, a gentle answer turns away 00:16:29.110 --> 00:16:35.850 wrath, Proverbs 15. And I mean, it was like God 00:16:35.850 --> 00:16:41.909 used an angel. I mean, I just get up and fight 00:16:41.909 --> 00:16:45.570 like a real man. That was unfair. And for the 00:16:45.570 --> 00:16:49.909 first time. I made the connection between my 00:16:49.909 --> 00:16:54.629 lateness and her heart and what she was experiencing. 00:16:56.690 --> 00:17:01.289 And she didn't nag. She didn't attack. She gave 00:17:01.289 --> 00:17:06.609 an I feel message. And I can remember, oh, dozens 00:17:06.609 --> 00:17:10.150 of times later, guys, bros, man, it's been great, 00:17:10.170 --> 00:17:12.650 super. Man, I got a hot date with my wife. I 00:17:12.650 --> 00:17:15.140 got to run. You want to take my place? And I 00:17:15.140 --> 00:17:17.599 bet I wasn't late three or four times in the 00:17:17.599 --> 00:17:22.039 next five years. Because now it's not about being 00:17:22.039 --> 00:17:27.380 late. I don't want to wound my wife. You do understand 00:17:27.380 --> 00:17:29.759 that your whole life changes too with the Lord 00:17:29.759 --> 00:17:33.059 when you realize that sin is never a behavioral 00:17:33.059 --> 00:17:37.220 issue. It's not I should stop watching porn or 00:17:37.220 --> 00:17:39.539 I should stop cussing or I've got to break this 00:17:39.539 --> 00:17:42.660 addiction or I need to stop losing my temper. 00:17:43.819 --> 00:17:48.920 Those are behaviors. You'll never change until 00:17:48.920 --> 00:17:53.259 you realize, you know, Ephesians says, don't 00:17:53.259 --> 00:17:56.339 grieve the Holy Spirit. It talks about all those 00:17:56.339 --> 00:17:59.359 abusive words and language and malice and slander 00:17:59.359 --> 00:18:02.500 and all those negative things. It breaks God's 00:18:02.500 --> 00:18:06.940 heart. When you could realize that when you sin 00:18:06.940 --> 00:18:11.130 and... When I sin, what really happens, Jesus 00:18:11.130 --> 00:18:14.710 already took my punishment. It doesn't make God 00:18:14.710 --> 00:18:22.130 mad when you sin. It makes him sad. See, he wants 00:18:22.130 --> 00:18:24.829 to be closer to you than you want to be closer 00:18:24.829 --> 00:18:27.769 to him. And when you begin to realize, should 00:18:27.769 --> 00:18:30.490 I do this or not do this? When I knew it was 00:18:30.490 --> 00:18:32.509 going to break my wife's heart, my heart changed. 00:18:32.869 --> 00:18:35.029 I mean, I may be a jerk, but I'm not going to 00:18:35.029 --> 00:18:37.740 treat her like that. But if she wants to fight 00:18:37.740 --> 00:18:40.819 about, you know, time you eat supper, and if 00:18:40.819 --> 00:18:43.660 she wants to control my life, right, all those 00:18:43.660 --> 00:18:47.599 things I say, how did she do it? Can you imagine? 00:18:48.180 --> 00:18:51.619 I feel frustrated when you raise your voice. 00:18:52.000 --> 00:18:55.559 I feel hurt when you bring that up in front of 00:18:55.559 --> 00:19:00.859 the children. I feel wounded when after we've 00:19:00.859 --> 00:19:03.059 talked about that and you said you forgave me. 00:19:03.710 --> 00:19:05.849 In a moment of heat, you bring that up about 00:19:05.849 --> 00:19:13.369 my failure in the past. I feel. We had it on 00:19:13.369 --> 00:19:16.710 the refrigerator and we learned. We learned when 00:19:16.710 --> 00:19:19.450 there was a problem, get alone. Define what the 00:19:19.450 --> 00:19:23.809 problem is. Process the whole thing first and 00:19:23.809 --> 00:19:26.609 before the Lord. Initiate the right time and 00:19:26.609 --> 00:19:30.029 right place to talk and then focus on the perceived 00:19:30.029 --> 00:19:35.660 problem. By the way, I have a little note. Eliminate 00:19:35.660 --> 00:19:38.880 you should, you ought, you always, you never. 00:19:40.000 --> 00:19:44.519 And it's always a win -win or a lose -lose. The 00:19:44.519 --> 00:19:48.839 second F is for feel their pain as though it 00:19:48.839 --> 00:19:54.119 were your own. Proverbs 17, 17 says, a friend 00:19:54.119 --> 00:19:58.160 loves at all times and a brother or a spouse 00:19:58.160 --> 00:20:06.650 or a mate. was born for adversity. No matter 00:20:06.650 --> 00:20:10.970 how angry you are, no matter how hurt, one of 00:20:10.970 --> 00:20:14.769 the axioms of relationships you have to understand 00:20:14.769 --> 00:20:17.410 is everyone acts in a way that makes sense to 00:20:17.410 --> 00:20:21.710 them. I mean, the things that make you nuts about 00:20:21.710 --> 00:20:25.950 your mate, they, by and large, it makes sense 00:20:25.950 --> 00:20:28.430 to them. The way their mind, the way they're 00:20:28.430 --> 00:20:30.869 thinking in the moment, it made sense to them. 00:20:31.230 --> 00:20:35.089 Unless they're just absolutely evil, they weren't 00:20:35.089 --> 00:20:37.569 trying to think, hey, how can I just totally 00:20:37.569 --> 00:20:41.589 screw up our marriage? But they just find themselves 00:20:41.589 --> 00:20:44.990 in the same thing. And as difficult as it is, 00:20:45.029 --> 00:20:51.690 feel their pain as though it were your own. You 00:20:51.690 --> 00:20:55.319 don't have to understand it. It doesn't have 00:20:55.319 --> 00:20:59.000 to be logical. That was a big one for me. And 00:20:59.000 --> 00:21:01.940 my wife's very intelligent. Don't get me wrong. 00:21:02.440 --> 00:21:05.039 But when you're wounded and when you're hurt 00:21:05.039 --> 00:21:07.000 or when things are happening or when you've been 00:21:07.000 --> 00:21:09.660 through things and we all have and you all have, 00:21:09.839 --> 00:21:15.599 sometimes two plus two equals seven. And in your 00:21:15.599 --> 00:21:18.160 brain somehow that makes sense. And if you're 00:21:18.160 --> 00:21:21.339 on the receiving end of that, and what I came 00:21:21.339 --> 00:21:24.579 to is I, I need to feel what she feels. I need 00:21:24.579 --> 00:21:27.339 to understand. It doesn't have to make sense. 00:21:27.359 --> 00:21:30.859 It doesn't have to be logical. But I want to 00:21:30.859 --> 00:21:35.539 identify and I want to emphasize with what she 00:21:35.539 --> 00:21:42.099 is actually feeling. This is Living on the Edge 00:21:42.099 --> 00:21:45.240 with Chip Ingram and a practical lesson on resolving 00:21:45.240 --> 00:21:48.480 conflict peaceably. Chip has more to share in 00:21:48.480 --> 00:21:50.799 just a moment, but remember, if you missed any 00:21:50.799 --> 00:21:53.259 part of today's lesson or just want to revisit 00:21:53.259 --> 00:21:55.380 what you've heard, you can always find these 00:21:55.380 --> 00:22:00.039 lessons online at livingontheedge .org. In our 00:22:00.039 --> 00:22:02.799 series on choosing love, we've tackled spiritual 00:22:02.799 --> 00:22:06.140 intimacy, effective communication, and peaceful 00:22:06.140 --> 00:22:09.059 conflict resolution. If these teachings have 00:22:09.059 --> 00:22:11.460 stirred something in you, Chip's newest book 00:22:11.460 --> 00:22:14.400 takes you even further. It's titled, I Choose 00:22:14.400 --> 00:22:17.640 Love. Here's what makes this resource so valuable. 00:22:18.160 --> 00:22:20.759 Chip demolishes the Hollywood myth that love 00:22:20.759 --> 00:22:23.259 is something beyond our control, a lightning 00:22:23.259 --> 00:22:26.059 strike of emotion we either experience or miss 00:22:26.059 --> 00:22:29.119 out on. Instead, he reveals what Scripture actually 00:22:29.119 --> 00:22:32.380 teaches. Authentic love is a series of intentional 00:22:32.380 --> 00:22:35.740 decisions we make every single day. Get your 00:22:35.740 --> 00:22:38.220 copy of this helpful resource today by going 00:22:38.220 --> 00:22:42.119 online to livingontheedge .org. Just look for 00:22:42.119 --> 00:22:45.789 Chip's book, I Choose Love. Across the country 00:22:45.789 --> 00:22:48.190 right now, families are being strengthened through 00:22:48.190 --> 00:22:50.849 this teaching. Marriages that felt stuck are 00:22:50.849 --> 00:22:53.549 gaining momentum. Parents are learning to love 00:22:53.549 --> 00:22:56.430 their kids more effectively. This impact grows 00:22:56.430 --> 00:22:59.289 because friends like you invest in getting biblical 00:22:59.289 --> 00:23:26.400 truth to people who need it. Well, now here's 00:23:26.400 --> 00:23:29.160 Chip. As we wrap up the first part of this message, 00:23:29.799 --> 00:23:32.359 I just want to remind you of some things that 00:23:32.359 --> 00:23:36.599 we often forget. Number one, conflict doesn't 00:23:36.599 --> 00:23:40.039 mean you have a bad marriage. Arguments, conflict, 00:23:40.380 --> 00:23:44.079 misunderstandings, hurt feelings, we all have 00:23:44.079 --> 00:23:48.000 those. The difference is, how do you learn to 00:23:48.000 --> 00:23:50.720 attack the problem instead of the person? When 00:23:50.720 --> 00:23:54.730 we collide with our spouse over an issue, If 00:23:54.730 --> 00:23:58.410 we can learn to not allow our emotions to engage 00:23:58.410 --> 00:24:02.250 quickly, our anger or our mouth to get rolling 00:24:02.250 --> 00:24:05.789 before we begin to think and to process and what 00:24:05.789 --> 00:24:09.829 I call diffuse the anger, diffuse the situation 00:24:09.829 --> 00:24:13.309 so it gets spread out and then you get perspective 00:24:13.309 --> 00:24:17.009 and then you have some skills to begin to address, 00:24:17.130 --> 00:24:20.470 okay, what's really going on here? Why do I feel 00:24:20.470 --> 00:24:24.329 this way? What's behind this? What's the highest, 00:24:24.450 --> 00:24:28.069 best, most loving explanation for why he said 00:24:28.069 --> 00:24:31.970 that or did that or she said that or did that? 00:24:32.150 --> 00:24:34.750 In our next broadcast, I'm going to walk through 00:24:34.750 --> 00:24:38.250 some very specific ways to address the core issue 00:24:38.250 --> 00:24:42.650 and how to diffuse that conflict. I'm Dave Drewy, 00:24:42.650 --> 00:24:44.549 inviting you to join us again next time when 00:24:44.549 --> 00:24:46.809 we continue with part two of our lesson called 00:24:46.809 --> 00:24:50.200 Resolving Conflict Peaceably. Don't miss Monday 00:24:50.200 --> 00:24:56.440 on Living on the Edge. Today's program is produced 00:24:56.440 --> 00:24:58.680 and sponsored by Living on the Edge.