Today on Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.
I'd like you to think with me, who is someone's
marriage that you think, I would love to have
a marriage like theirs? Now, here's what I'm
going to tell you. They have learned one particular
skill in their marriage that you need to learn.
And that skill is what I'm going to talk about
today. Stay with me. Conflict is inevitable.
It flows from different perspectives, selfish
desires, and personality clashes. But healthy
conflict produces growth when addressed wisely
and lovingly. Today on Living on the Edge, Chip
Ingram teaches the two predictable patterns couples
follow. There's the negative dance, defensive,
blaming, attacking, always focused on I and you.
Then there's the positive dance where we replaces
I and resolution becomes possible. If conflict
feels destructive in your marriage, this message
offers hope. Here's Chip Ingram with a new message
titled, Resolving Conflict Peaceably. We are
looking at skill number three. It's how to resolve
conflict. Are you ready for this? Peaceably.
You know, so nobody gets hurt. Number one, here's
a biblical perspective of conflict. Number one,
it is inevitable. Jesus said, in the world you
will have tribulation. So we wouldn't be surprised.
Second, it flows from our differences in perspective.
Paul and Barnabas, remember, John Mark was a
flake. He went back. The next trip, Barnabas
says, hey, I think we should take John Mark.
He's the son of encouragement, his gifts, his
philosophy. Everyone fails sometimes. Let's bring
him along. Paul is very mission A type. You know
what? We are not going to sacrifice the mission.
He blew it one time. The mission is more important.
If you want to help him, you stick around and
help him. And it says they had such a sharp disagreement,
we get our word schism. And Paul and Barnabas
went different ways. I don't think either of
them were wrong. One was an encourager that needed
to help a guy. The other realized, you know what?
Jesus told me to take the gospel to all the world
and I can't risk the mission on a guy that I
can't depend on. So there's differences in perspective.
Sometimes it's just selfish desires. James would
say, what are the causes of fights and quarrels
among you? Don't they come? From your desires
or your lusts that battle within you. You want
something. You don't get it. You kill. You covet.
But you can't have what you want. You quarrel
and fight. You do not have because you do not
ask God. And when you do ask God, you ask with
the wrong motives. That you can spend it on your
pleasures. You know, behind a lot of conflict
is just plain old selfishness and sin. And then
finally, sometimes it's just personality differences.
Paul has a couple ladies in Euodia and Syntyche.
And he says they're both great. They're both
helpers. They're both wonderful people. But they
can't get along. Maybe it's personality. We don't
know. But they needed an outside help. They needed
a counselor, according to Paul. I want you to
get these two ladies together. They're both super.
But together, they just rub each other the wrong
way. All I want you to get is this. Conflict
is normal, and healthy conflict produces an opportunity
for growth, but can be destructive unless addressed
wisely, lovingly, and with rules to govern the
process. Our text is Colossians 3, verses 12
through 17. So, as those have been chosen by
God, holy and beloved, that's who we are. We're
putting on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility,
gentleness, and patience, bearing with one another,
and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint
against anyone. Forgiving one another, just as
the Lord forgave you, so also should you. And
beyond all these things, put on love, which is
the perfect bond of unity. And let the peace
of Christ rule in your hearts to which you've
been called into one body and be thankful. The
command is, here's the command. It's real simple.
We are to deal with our mates as Christ has dealt
with us and deals with us. Okay, that's the issue.
If you get nothing else, what would that look
like if you would say, There's a conflict. There's
a disagreement. I'm angry. I'm bitter. I'm resentful.
Why did she do that again? I can't believe he
did that. We've talked about it a hundred times.
And when you come together, your one goal is
I want to treat him or I want to treat her the
way Christ treats me. Doesn't mean you're not
going to have conflict. But I'll guarantee if
you bear with one another, if you forgive one
another, If you're beyond all these things put
on love, and if you let the peace of Christ rule
in your hearts, it'll come out a lot differently.
Turn the page, if you will, and I want to give
you this picture before I walk through a little
acronym that's helped me. Jim Burns is a good
friend, and he's a marriage and family therapist
and speaker. And he says there's a negative dance
and there's a positive dance. And it's very predictable.
So you start at the top. There's tension, friction,
problem, pain, misunderstanding. And you can
fill it in. In fact, for some of you, you don't
have to think too hard. You can just think of
some of the real recent ones. The negative dance
is defensive. Blaming, anger, control, attack.
And the I language appears. I did this. You ought
to do that. I did this. It's very defensive.
The positive dance is there's tension, friction,
problem, pain, misunderstanding. And the response
is we. We assume responsibility and we work together
to resolve the issue. I'm going to give you some
tools to do that. By the way, in most conflict,
you have sharks and turtles. Some by personality,
some by gender. And so in a conflict, there's
some of you that what you do is instinctively
because of your background, your personality,
you just pull your head in. And man, you know,
all you can get is a shell. And then there's
those of us, you know, we just swarm the water.
And you know what? We are gonna, we're gonna
win and we're gonna attack. And if we have verbal
skills, we're gonna reframe it. And you did this.
By the time we're done, we were the problem and
you feel like it's all your fault. And then you
realize it's not. And then you resent us. And
we have manipulated. And we've been unkind. And
we haven't been bearing with one another. And
we haven't been forgiving. And we haven't been
humble. We haven't been patient. But here, it's
a we. Okay, we have an issue. We'll talk about
getting that on the table. And then the we issue
goes to resolution without a win or lose. Okay,
yeah, this is a problem. How should we solve
it? What are our options? Let's define the problem
together. Let's calmly talk about it in a way
that I'll show you. And what did we learn from
this? What was really going on? And as a result,
what happens is you learn about each other. What
would God have us do in this situation? You see
it this way. I see it that way. And we're at
odds. What does the umpire, what's he say about
this? Or do we need someone from the outside
since we're at a deadlock because we want this
to go better? Do we need someone on the outside
to coach us and help us, mentor through this,
who's objective because obviously neither of
us are. And if we could have solved it, we probably
would have solved it by now. And when you do
that, then the result is authentic oneness and
a feeling of being loved. And conflict actually
becomes something where You grow closer. As iron
sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. Or
one man and one woman sharpen another. So how
do you take a problem and diffuse it, spread
it out, so you get God's perspective and you
deal with it? Well, here's the acronym. The D
is for define the problem on your own. Define
the problem on your own. Proverbs 15 .4 says,
The discerning heart seeks knowledge, but the
mouth of a fool feeds on folly. When you have
a disagreement, don't start by solving it with
the person. Get by yourself and ask, What's bothering
me? How do I feel? When did this all begin? The
I is for initiate a time to talk. Matthew 5.
23 and 24 says, therefore, if you're offering
your gift at the altar and there remember your
brother or mate has something against you, leave
your gift there at the altar. First go and be
reconciled to your brother or your mate and then
come and offer your offering. You're listening
to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. We'll
continue with Chip's teaching in just a minute.
The message you're hearing today is part of our
series, Choosing Love. If you want to dig deeper
into these powerful principles, the complete
series is waiting for you online at livingontheedge
.org. You'll discover additional teaching, downloadable
resources, and study questions to help you apply
these truths. Visit us online at livingontheedge
.org. Now let's get back to the message. When
I say initiate a time to talk, jot these down.
Right time, right place. Trying to solve a complex
problem at the wrong time and the wrong place
will not go well. It's a time that's good for
both of you. Don't be pushy, but don't procrastinate.
No, we really need to meet. Well, I'm exhausted
now and I go to pick up the kids and I've got
to do this and I've got to do that. Yeah, and
I've got a big meeting. Okay, then. Friday morning,
okay? There's some things that are on my heart
I just want to discuss. So you've defined it.
You're clear. You've talked with the Lord. You
initiate a time to talk. The F is focus on the
perceived problem, not the person. Proverbs 18,
19 says, an offended brother is more unyielding
than a fortified city. and disputes are like
the barred gates of a citadel. One of the huge
issues in our marriage was we, neither of us,
her family didn't have any conflict because it
was illegal. And my folks, they would have conflict,
but they came from the school, let's not do it
in front of the kids. So we never saw how conflict
got resolved. And my dad blew up and my mom stuffed.
And you do understand that left to yourself,
you pretty much do what, not what people told
you, but what was modeled. And so you gotta,
when I said some of you, you gotta break out
of old patterns and develop new ones. And so,
jot this down. This is going to be important.
The way you bring up a problem without attacking
the person is called a I feel message. This was
on our refrigerator for two years. An I feel
message. Let me tell you, and I'll just make
it, because I want you to know that it doesn't
have to be over a big thing. It's usually big
stuff under the surface. So, I'm late. Why are
you late again? Don't you even care? You should
come home on time. I fixed all this food and
you don't even care. You don't even give a rat.
Who are you to tell me what to do all the time?
My lands. I'm working full time. I'm going to
school full time. I'm supporting the kids. I'm
up late. I'm up early. I'm studying Greek. Man,
I got to have some fun too. Well, silence, bedroom.
Here we go. Three day journey. All over dinner,
except it wasn't. What I would learn later is
I spent all day doing something to say I love
you and I fixed it. You didn't show up and you
didn't even call. And what I heard was there's
no room for me to have a life of my own. I'm
busting it like crazy. I'm already insecure about
figuring out how to be a dad to two kids that
I adopted a year ago. And when you start with
that, you should, you ought, man, for a man,
those are fighting words. You ought, you should,
you always, you never. That's how mothers talk
to sons. Let me tell you, those are fighting
words, both directions. Adults don't talk to
adults like that. That's authority to inferiors.
Well, then if that's true, then how do you get
it on the table without saying you ought, you
should, raising your voice? It's an I feel message.
So here's the picture. These are the stories
you're about to hear. The names have not been
changed to protect not the innocent, okay? So
this was, you know, we're in counseling and we're
working through all this. And so, you know, it's
another time and I'm feeling bad and I'm feeling
guilty and I'm not going to attack her. But I
walk in and it was such a great game. I mean,
we just kept winning. It was so wonderful. And
there's a brotherhood. There's something about
hanging with guys you haven't met and doing it
that I just loved. And so I walk in, and the
kids aren't around. And the table's set, and
there's candles lit. And I'm going, oh, gosh.
Why does she always do this when I play basketball?
And she's thinking, why does she always play
basketball when I do this? And so I came in,
and she was calm in her right mind. No, no, I'm,
you know, no fire in her eyes. Hey, it's like,
hey, something's wrong here, you know? It's like
you're on patrol and you know, I don't know what's
wrong, but I can feel it. Something's wrong.
And she goes, are you still hungry? I said, yeah,
well, it's in the oven. I'll get it for you.
No, sit down. Candles are still lit. So she gets
it out of the oven and puts it on the table and
then she sits down. She doesn't look mad. Is
this reverse psychology? What's coming on here?
This is really starting to scare me. So, you
know, I eat and she lets me eat. And do you like
it? Yeah. And I'm thinking, I think I'm just
going to get by with this. You know, and so right
time. She processed personally what the real
issue was. Right time, right way, candles. And
then she looks at me, leans over, eyeball to
eyeball. She said, Chip, can I tell you something?
I said, sure. She said, I spent half of the day
preparing this meal for you because I love you.
I feel hurt when you don't call and you don't
get to enjoy this meal that I made to express
my love for you. I feel hurt. See, you can't
argue with someone's feelings. And because she
did it in that way, a gentle answer turns away
wrath, Proverbs 15. And I mean, it was like God
used an angel. I mean, I just get up and fight
like a real man. That was unfair. And for the
first time. I made the connection between my
lateness and her heart and what she was experiencing.
And she didn't nag. She didn't attack. She gave
an I feel message. And I can remember, oh, dozens
of times later, guys, bros, man, it's been great,
super. Man, I got a hot date with my wife. I
got to run. You want to take my place? And I
bet I wasn't late three or four times in the
next five years. Because now it's not about being
late. I don't want to wound my wife. You do understand
that your whole life changes too with the Lord
when you realize that sin is never a behavioral
issue. It's not I should stop watching porn or
I should stop cussing or I've got to break this
addiction or I need to stop losing my temper.
Those are behaviors. You'll never change until
you realize, you know, Ephesians says, don't
grieve the Holy Spirit. It talks about all those
abusive words and language and malice and slander
and all those negative things. It breaks God's
heart. When you could realize that when you sin
and... When I sin, what really happens, Jesus
already took my punishment. It doesn't make God
mad when you sin. It makes him sad. See, he wants
to be closer to you than you want to be closer
to him. And when you begin to realize, should
I do this or not do this? When I knew it was
going to break my wife's heart, my heart changed.
I mean, I may be a jerk, but I'm not going to
treat her like that. But if she wants to fight
about, you know, time you eat supper, and if
she wants to control my life, right, all those
things I say, how did she do it? Can you imagine?
I feel frustrated when you raise your voice.
I feel hurt when you bring that up in front of
the children. I feel wounded when after we've
talked about that and you said you forgave me.
In a moment of heat, you bring that up about
my failure in the past. I feel. We had it on
the refrigerator and we learned. We learned when
there was a problem, get alone. Define what the
problem is. Process the whole thing first and
before the Lord. Initiate the right time and
right place to talk and then focus on the perceived
problem. By the way, I have a little note. Eliminate
you should, you ought, you always, you never.
And it's always a win -win or a lose -lose. The
second F is for feel their pain as though it
were your own. Proverbs 17, 17 says, a friend
loves at all times and a brother or a spouse
or a mate. was born for adversity. No matter
how angry you are, no matter how hurt, one of
the axioms of relationships you have to understand
is everyone acts in a way that makes sense to
them. I mean, the things that make you nuts about
your mate, they, by and large, it makes sense
to them. The way their mind, the way they're
thinking in the moment, it made sense to them.
Unless they're just absolutely evil, they weren't
trying to think, hey, how can I just totally
screw up our marriage? But they just find themselves
in the same thing. And as difficult as it is,
feel their pain as though it were your own. You
don't have to understand it. It doesn't have
to be logical. That was a big one for me. And
my wife's very intelligent. Don't get me wrong.
But when you're wounded and when you're hurt
or when things are happening or when you've been
through things and we all have and you all have,
sometimes two plus two equals seven. And in your
brain somehow that makes sense. And if you're
on the receiving end of that, and what I came
to is I, I need to feel what she feels. I need
to understand. It doesn't have to make sense.
It doesn't have to be logical. But I want to
identify and I want to emphasize with what she
is actually feeling. This is Living on the Edge
with Chip Ingram and a practical lesson on resolving
conflict peaceably. Chip has more to share in
just a moment, but remember, if you missed any
part of today's lesson or just want to revisit
what you've heard, you can always find these
lessons online at livingontheedge .org. In our
series on choosing love, we've tackled spiritual
intimacy, effective communication, and peaceful
conflict resolution. If these teachings have
stirred something in you, Chip's newest book
takes you even further. It's titled, I Choose
Love. Here's what makes this resource so valuable.
Chip demolishes the Hollywood myth that love
is something beyond our control, a lightning
strike of emotion we either experience or miss
out on. Instead, he reveals what Scripture actually
teaches. Authentic love is a series of intentional
decisions we make every single day. Get your
copy of this helpful resource today by going
online to livingontheedge .org. Just look for
Chip's book, I Choose Love. Across the country
right now, families are being strengthened through
this teaching. Marriages that felt stuck are
gaining momentum. Parents are learning to love
their kids more effectively. This impact grows
because friends like you invest in getting biblical
truth to people who need it. Well, now here's
Chip. As we wrap up the first part of this message,
I just want to remind you of some things that
we often forget. Number one, conflict doesn't
mean you have a bad marriage. Arguments, conflict,
misunderstandings, hurt feelings, we all have
those. The difference is, how do you learn to
attack the problem instead of the person? When
we collide with our spouse over an issue, If
we can learn to not allow our emotions to engage
quickly, our anger or our mouth to get rolling
before we begin to think and to process and what
I call diffuse the anger, diffuse the situation
so it gets spread out and then you get perspective
and then you have some skills to begin to address,
okay, what's really going on here? Why do I feel
this way? What's behind this? What's the highest,
best, most loving explanation for why he said
that or did that or she said that or did that?
In our next broadcast, I'm going to walk through
some very specific ways to address the core issue
and how to diffuse that conflict. I'm Dave Drewy,
inviting you to join us again next time when
we continue with part two of our lesson called
Resolving Conflict Peaceably. Don't miss Monday
on Living on the Edge. Today's program is produced
and sponsored by Living on the Edge.