WEBVTT 00:00:11.439 --> 00:00:14.160 Today on Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. 00:00:14.240 --> 00:00:18.000 How often do you and your spouse really talk? 00:00:18.199 --> 00:00:21.600 How often with your husband or with your wife 00:00:21.600 --> 00:00:25.399 do you have a heart -to -heart conversation that 00:00:25.399 --> 00:00:28.879 you walk away and say, wow, such a deep connection. 00:00:29.000 --> 00:00:32.560 That was wonderful. If you want help in having 00:00:32.560 --> 00:00:36.880 more of that, then stay with me. Most marriages 00:00:36.880 --> 00:00:39.640 settle for techniques and self -help tools to 00:00:39.640 --> 00:00:42.119 improve compatibility. But real transformation 00:00:42.119 --> 00:00:44.960 happens when you stop living for God's approval 00:00:44.960 --> 00:00:48.560 and start living from it. Today on Living on 00:00:48.560 --> 00:00:50.920 the Edge, Chip Ingram shows how believing your 00:00:50.920 --> 00:00:53.840 true identity changes everything about how you 00:00:53.840 --> 00:00:57.060 love your mate. You're already chosen, holy, 00:00:57.240 --> 00:00:59.960 and deeply loved. When that truth sinks into 00:00:59.960 --> 00:01:02.159 your heart, you'll naturally dress appropriately, 00:01:02.479 --> 00:01:05.659 putting on compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, 00:01:05.819 --> 00:01:08.620 and patience. It's not about performing better. 00:01:08.890 --> 00:01:11.189 It's about understanding who you already are 00:01:11.189 --> 00:01:13.810 in Christ. Well, here's Chip Ingram with his 00:01:13.810 --> 00:01:16.370 message, Effectively Communicating God's Love 00:01:16.370 --> 00:01:19.650 to Your Mate. Our text is Colossians chapter 00:01:19.650 --> 00:01:25.069 3, verses 12 through 17. And it starts out with 00:01:25.069 --> 00:01:27.609 what we already possess. So as those who've been 00:01:27.609 --> 00:01:32.689 chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart 00:01:32.689 --> 00:01:36.310 of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, 00:01:36.569 --> 00:01:39.959 and patience. So putting on a heart of compassion, 00:01:40.159 --> 00:01:43.760 compassion is empathy to action versus being 00:01:43.760 --> 00:01:46.579 cynical. You talk about something that'll change 00:01:46.579 --> 00:01:48.560 your marriage more than any technique or any 00:01:48.560 --> 00:01:52.700 skill, you start putting on a heart of compassion. 00:01:53.079 --> 00:01:55.980 The second, he says, put on a heart of kindness. 00:01:56.659 --> 00:02:00.799 Kindness is whatever is helpful, beneficial versus 00:02:00.799 --> 00:02:05.359 being critical. Third is humility, means putting 00:02:05.359 --> 00:02:09.020 their needs first. The next is gentleness. It's 00:02:09.020 --> 00:02:12.360 strength under control, especially your emotions. 00:02:12.840 --> 00:02:15.900 It's the opposite of being harsh, demanding. 00:02:16.740 --> 00:02:19.280 Those looks that say to your mate, did you do 00:02:19.280 --> 00:02:22.280 that again? The look that says, don't you ever 00:02:22.280 --> 00:02:25.340 do anything right to one of your kids. It's gentle. 00:02:25.759 --> 00:02:28.639 It's approachable. Put on a heart of patience. 00:02:28.800 --> 00:02:32.560 It means to endure with a good attitude. 2 Peter 00:02:32.560 --> 00:02:35.919 3 .9 says, you know, people, he was talking about, 00:02:35.960 --> 00:02:38.129 you know, He's coming back. And everyone goes, 00:02:38.229 --> 00:02:39.889 yeah, yeah, right. He's coming back. You've been 00:02:39.889 --> 00:02:41.870 saying that for a long time. And Peter says, 00:02:41.949 --> 00:02:45.129 you don't understand. God is not slow as some 00:02:45.129 --> 00:02:48.229 think slow. For to him, a day in a thousand years 00:02:48.229 --> 00:02:53.169 is the same. He is patient. Macro thumos. Can 00:02:53.169 --> 00:02:57.849 you hear the two words? Macro thumos, heat. It's 00:02:57.849 --> 00:03:01.770 dispersed. He wants all to be saved, to all to 00:03:01.770 --> 00:03:06.210 come to repentance. It's putting up with. Enduring. 00:03:07.110 --> 00:03:10.650 One more time. One more time. I'm not going to 00:03:10.650 --> 00:03:12.710 give up. We're going to keep working at this. 00:03:13.909 --> 00:03:16.370 You know the greatest question you can ask yourself 00:03:16.370 --> 00:03:18.150 every single day? You might write this down. 00:03:18.650 --> 00:03:22.069 What does it look like to trust God in this situation? 00:03:23.090 --> 00:03:28.909 It's faith. Patience. I'm going to give you just 00:03:28.909 --> 00:03:30.810 a little tool. You can write it at the bottom 00:03:30.810 --> 00:03:35.710 of the page. I call this little tool I know you 00:03:35.710 --> 00:03:39.069 really care when. Okay, just write that. I know 00:03:39.069 --> 00:03:41.990 you really care when. Because some of you are 00:03:41.990 --> 00:03:43.909 thinking, I want to be compassionate and I want 00:03:43.909 --> 00:03:47.250 to be gentle. Okay, Chip, I really want to be 00:03:47.250 --> 00:03:49.569 all this, but I'm not sure what it would look 00:03:49.569 --> 00:03:52.490 like. I can't read her mind. I can't read his 00:03:52.490 --> 00:03:55.449 mind. Here's what you do. There's a little column. 00:03:56.710 --> 00:04:00.150 And, you know, if you're a husband, you write, 00:04:02.379 --> 00:04:05.060 I know you really care, speaking to your wife, 00:04:05.180 --> 00:04:09.759 when you, one, two, three. Just write the top 00:04:09.759 --> 00:04:12.759 three. You can go five if you want, but I mean, 00:04:12.780 --> 00:04:16.120 give her a break. Just write, I feel loved when 00:04:16.120 --> 00:04:18.139 you, and just write the top three things that 00:04:18.139 --> 00:04:21.540 when she does them, you feel loved. Ladies, you 00:04:21.540 --> 00:04:23.699 write, here's the top three things. You can go 00:04:23.699 --> 00:04:28.160 four or five. I feel most loved when you, and 00:04:28.160 --> 00:04:30.839 just write them. And then just exchange lists. 00:04:32.310 --> 00:04:34.970 So we've made this whole thing about it has to 00:04:34.970 --> 00:04:38.089 be so spontaneous and if he could read my mind 00:04:38.089 --> 00:04:41.370 or if she would only know. I did this with my 00:04:41.370 --> 00:04:44.930 wife. We were struggling. The counselor gave 00:04:44.930 --> 00:04:47.269 us this tool. Everything I give you, I got out 00:04:47.269 --> 00:04:51.170 of counseling. But it's like, okay, here's the 00:04:51.170 --> 00:04:53.850 top thing. When you take out the trash, when 00:04:53.850 --> 00:04:55.310 you help with this, when you help with the kids' 00:04:55.389 --> 00:04:57.490 homework, I'm thinking, what in the world has 00:04:57.490 --> 00:04:59.009 this got to do with love? And finally I said, 00:04:59.089 --> 00:05:01.939 it doesn't matter what I think. If this makes 00:05:01.939 --> 00:05:04.879 her feel loved, guess what? I love her. Guess 00:05:04.879 --> 00:05:07.180 what? I made a vow. Guess what? I'm committed 00:05:07.180 --> 00:05:10.240 to her. So she made a list, and I just decided 00:05:10.240 --> 00:05:11.660 I'm going to do at least one of those things 00:05:11.660 --> 00:05:14.660 every day. If nothing else, at least, you know, 00:05:14.720 --> 00:05:18.879 every day she is going to get loved by me with 00:05:18.879 --> 00:05:21.620 some compassion and gentleness and vice versa. 00:05:23.079 --> 00:05:28.599 Try it. You'll like it. Okay, shift. Because 00:05:28.599 --> 00:05:31.379 what I have said to you so far can only happen 00:05:31.379 --> 00:05:35.319 if something else happens. This is the clothing 00:05:35.319 --> 00:05:37.639 metaphor. That word put on, put off, put on, 00:05:37.660 --> 00:05:41.040 put off. Here's what you need to get. You cannot 00:05:41.040 --> 00:05:45.680 put on the new until you take off the old. Notice 00:05:45.680 --> 00:05:48.399 what he says here. The clothing metaphor is crucial 00:05:48.399 --> 00:05:52.720 to biblical communication. Old clothes must be 00:05:52.720 --> 00:05:55.300 taken off. Open your Bible if you're not already 00:05:55.300 --> 00:05:59.480 there. We're in Colossians chapter 3. And after 00:05:59.480 --> 00:06:02.980 he says to set your mind on the things above, 00:06:03.279 --> 00:06:07.600 he says, put to death. I'm in verse 5. Whatever 00:06:07.600 --> 00:06:10.319 belongs to your earthly nature. Well, what's 00:06:10.319 --> 00:06:13.180 that? Sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil 00:06:13.180 --> 00:06:16.339 desires, greed, which is idolatry. Why? Because 00:06:16.339 --> 00:06:19.579 of these, the wrath of God is coming. And then 00:06:19.579 --> 00:06:22.579 he reminds them, like he reminds us, you used 00:06:22.579 --> 00:06:25.120 to walk in these things, in the life that you 00:06:25.120 --> 00:06:27.980 once lived. Now get this, here's the new. But 00:06:27.980 --> 00:06:32.420 now you must rid yourselves of such things as 00:06:32.420 --> 00:06:36.459 anger, rage, malice, slander, filthy language 00:06:36.459 --> 00:06:39.339 from your lips. Do not lie to each other. Why? 00:06:40.379 --> 00:06:44.519 Since you have taken off, it's a metaphor, your 00:06:44.519 --> 00:06:49.180 old self with its practices. But that's not the 00:06:49.180 --> 00:06:52.800 end of it. And have put on the new self, which 00:06:52.800 --> 00:06:57.339 is being renewed, mind renewal. How? In the knowledge, 00:06:57.360 --> 00:07:02.860 in the image of its creator. You have to take 00:07:02.860 --> 00:07:08.600 off the old. Old life of anger, logging on to 00:07:08.600 --> 00:07:12.079 porn, flirting with other people, spending money 00:07:12.079 --> 00:07:15.839 I don't have, yelling, screaming, abusive language. 00:07:16.459 --> 00:07:18.939 Wanting my own way. Get rid of it all. That's 00:07:18.939 --> 00:07:23.639 what he's saying. And put on. Put on the new 00:07:23.639 --> 00:07:29.360 self. It's a journey. It's a process. You renew 00:07:29.360 --> 00:07:32.579 your mind. You ask, who are the people in my 00:07:32.579 --> 00:07:35.519 life that keep pulling me that way? What am I 00:07:35.519 --> 00:07:37.779 putting into my mind? Whether it's on a video, 00:07:37.920 --> 00:07:42.019 whether it's Netflix, whether it's porn, whether 00:07:42.019 --> 00:07:44.259 it's a relationship that keeps telling me, hey, 00:07:44.360 --> 00:07:46.899 why don't you come with us and do this? Whether 00:07:46.899 --> 00:07:50.680 it's a temptation. Remember the passage where 00:07:50.680 --> 00:07:53.879 Jesus said, if your right eye is causing you 00:07:53.879 --> 00:07:57.639 to sin, pluck it out? Remember that one? Now, 00:07:57.660 --> 00:07:59.399 some people took that literally, which is very 00:07:59.399 --> 00:08:01.720 foolish, because if you pluck out your right 00:08:01.720 --> 00:08:03.759 eye, I have got news for you. You can lust with 00:08:03.759 --> 00:08:08.399 your left. If your right hand causes you to sin, 00:08:08.480 --> 00:08:13.360 what do you say? Cut it off. Well, I got news. 00:08:13.420 --> 00:08:16.990 You can still steal with your left hand. It was 00:08:16.990 --> 00:08:19.350 an idiomatic expression, but here's what he was 00:08:19.350 --> 00:08:26.889 saying. You be as radical as you need to be to 00:08:26.889 --> 00:08:30.129 take off the impurities and the things that pull 00:08:30.129 --> 00:08:33.070 you away from first the Lord Jesus and second 00:08:33.070 --> 00:08:36.190 from your most important relationships. Now, 00:08:36.230 --> 00:08:38.350 let's get real positive because many of you are 00:08:38.350 --> 00:08:40.490 very convicted right now and you know what you 00:08:40.490 --> 00:08:42.009 need to put off. So I'm not going to take you 00:08:42.009 --> 00:08:45.029 off a hook, all right? But don't go to bed tonight. 00:08:45.230 --> 00:08:49.539 You hear me? This is an order from the commander 00:08:49.539 --> 00:08:52.740 in chief of the universe. And it's not because 00:08:52.740 --> 00:08:56.460 he's mad. He wants to rescue you. Listen to him. 00:08:56.720 --> 00:08:59.320 Do what he says. But here's what I want you to 00:08:59.320 --> 00:09:03.039 get. The new self requires new clothes. Here's 00:09:03.039 --> 00:09:07.039 the principle. Who we are determines how we dress. 00:09:07.139 --> 00:09:11.059 Now, all of you were a bride. Do you remember 00:09:11.059 --> 00:09:13.860 that day? You were the bride. So because you 00:09:13.860 --> 00:09:17.669 were the bride, how did you dress? How did you 00:09:17.669 --> 00:09:19.490 dress? I mean, you spent at least four hours. 00:09:19.610 --> 00:09:21.789 I still remember. I had three boys and a girl, 00:09:21.809 --> 00:09:23.789 so I've only had one wedding where I got really 00:09:23.789 --> 00:09:26.370 inside. I mean, my lands. They did her hair. 00:09:26.470 --> 00:09:28.570 They did her nails. They did the dress. It was 00:09:28.570 --> 00:09:30.669 like a four or five hour getting ready. Why? 00:09:30.850 --> 00:09:33.149 Because she wanted to be beautiful and awesome 00:09:33.149 --> 00:09:37.230 for her husband. Who you are determines how you 00:09:37.230 --> 00:09:41.330 dress. Who are you? You're a daughter of the 00:09:41.330 --> 00:09:43.769 living God. You're a son of the King of Kings 00:09:43.769 --> 00:09:46.029 and the Lord of Lords. So how do you dress? You 00:09:46.029 --> 00:09:48.129 dress in a way that's appropriate. I want you 00:09:48.129 --> 00:09:50.110 to imagine in your mind's eye, and maybe some 00:09:50.110 --> 00:09:52.350 of you have been there, but you're going to receive 00:09:52.350 --> 00:09:57.429 the distinguished medal of honor. How would you 00:09:57.429 --> 00:10:01.950 dress for the occasion? Jeans? Flip -flops? I 00:10:01.950 --> 00:10:09.169 don't think so. See, you dress. That's why. I 00:10:09.169 --> 00:10:11.370 can give you tools galore. I can give you all 00:10:11.370 --> 00:10:13.389 kind of techniques, and there's a place for them. 00:10:14.710 --> 00:10:18.110 Until you start to believe that you are chosen, 00:10:18.309 --> 00:10:21.750 that you are set apart and holy, and that you're 00:10:21.750 --> 00:10:24.750 deeply, powerfully, unconditionally loved, you'll 00:10:24.750 --> 00:10:28.850 never dress that way. The great majority of Christians 00:10:28.850 --> 00:10:32.289 are living for God's approval instead of from 00:10:32.289 --> 00:10:35.090 God's approval, and the difference is night and 00:10:35.090 --> 00:10:38.700 day. When you live from God's approval, when 00:10:38.700 --> 00:10:41.799 I carry that money in my pocket or when I choose 00:10:41.799 --> 00:10:44.000 to do things for Teresa, I'm not doing it because 00:10:44.000 --> 00:10:47.200 God goes, okay, on the big refrigerator in heaven, 00:10:47.379 --> 00:10:52.919 hey guys, three more stars for Chip. It doesn't 00:10:52.919 --> 00:10:57.960 work that way. When I do something like that, 00:10:58.080 --> 00:11:01.960 it's, God, you've been so kind and so compassionate 00:11:01.960 --> 00:11:08.110 and so patient with me. You have so humbled yourself 00:11:08.110 --> 00:11:12.269 to stoop, to die in my place. You have been so 00:11:12.269 --> 00:11:15.490 gracious to cause your spirit to dwell inside 00:11:15.490 --> 00:11:17.990 of me, to guide me. You have in supernatural 00:11:17.990 --> 00:11:21.289 ways provided access where I not only have the 00:11:21.289 --> 00:11:23.730 mind of Christ, but you've given me your word. 00:11:24.230 --> 00:11:26.409 And you've told me that if I come to you, you'll 00:11:26.409 --> 00:11:28.389 renew my mind and you'll make me more and more 00:11:28.389 --> 00:11:31.970 like Jesus. As I soak that in, what happens? 00:11:32.509 --> 00:11:39.240 From God's approval, You love. I have been on 00:11:39.240 --> 00:11:42.399 a journey for 40 years to try and believe and 00:11:42.399 --> 00:11:49.460 feel and accept that God loves me for me. Some 00:11:49.460 --> 00:11:52.179 of you grew up in homes like I did. My dad's 00:11:52.179 --> 00:11:54.539 idea of love was you went three for four. What 00:11:54.539 --> 00:11:56.539 happened? You know, Chip, how many times have 00:11:56.539 --> 00:11:58.200 I told you when that curveball comes on the inside, 00:11:58.379 --> 00:12:00.200 you step in the bucket. That's why you grind 00:12:00.200 --> 00:12:03.799 it out the shortstop. Come on, son. Step it up. 00:12:04.860 --> 00:12:08.059 Four A's and a B. Son, give me your report card. 00:12:09.519 --> 00:12:12.220 What happened here? Now, he loved me, and he 00:12:12.220 --> 00:12:14.480 thought that would, you know, I got one degree, 00:12:14.600 --> 00:12:15.679 so when are you going to get your master's? Got 00:12:15.679 --> 00:12:16.700 that degree, when are you going to get that? 00:12:16.759 --> 00:12:18.259 When are you going to get that? I finally came 00:12:18.259 --> 00:12:20.480 at about 35. I will never live up to my dad's 00:12:20.480 --> 00:12:25.279 expectations. And somehow I translated that to 00:12:25.279 --> 00:12:29.740 that's how God was, and he's not. You're listening 00:12:29.740 --> 00:12:32.320 to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. We'll 00:12:32.320 --> 00:12:34.659 continue with Chip's teaching in just a minute. 00:12:34.820 --> 00:12:37.220 The message you're hearing today is part of our 00:12:37.220 --> 00:12:40.240 series Choosing Love. If you want to dig deeper 00:12:40.240 --> 00:12:42.500 into these powerful principles, the complete 00:12:42.500 --> 00:12:45.919 series is waiting for you online at livingontheedge 00:12:45.919 --> 00:12:49.860 .org. You'll discover additional teaching, downloadable 00:12:49.860 --> 00:12:52.679 resources, and study questions to help you apply 00:12:52.679 --> 00:12:56.480 these truths. Visit us online at livingontheedge 00:12:56.480 --> 00:12:59.809 .org. Well, now let's get back to the message. 00:13:00.169 --> 00:13:03.210 God loves you for you. If you never did anything, 00:13:03.529 --> 00:13:05.970 he loves you. He died for you while you were 00:13:05.970 --> 00:13:12.129 still a sinner, while you were his enemy. So 00:13:12.129 --> 00:13:15.549 here's the problem. We have settled for techniques 00:13:15.549 --> 00:13:18.690 and self -help tools to change how we speak and 00:13:18.690 --> 00:13:21.690 to modify our emotions and behaviors to improve 00:13:21.690 --> 00:13:24.990 compatibility. I think so much of what we do 00:13:24.990 --> 00:13:27.090 in our marriages is, how do we get along better? 00:13:29.430 --> 00:13:32.250 rather than focusing on the deep -rooted transformation 00:13:32.250 --> 00:13:36.350 of our hearts, which empowers us to give life 00:13:36.350 --> 00:13:40.590 -giving love of Christ to our mates. That's where 00:13:40.590 --> 00:13:43.529 the real action is. The solution is threefold. 00:13:43.629 --> 00:13:46.149 Number one, don't buy the lie. I am what I have, 00:13:46.230 --> 00:13:48.570 possessions. I am what I accomplish, performance. 00:13:48.990 --> 00:13:53.830 I am what others think of me, popularity. Most 00:13:53.830 --> 00:13:56.409 of us at some level live with the if -then, if 00:13:56.409 --> 00:13:59.169 -then. If I become, then I'll be a somebody. 00:13:59.350 --> 00:14:01.929 If I possess, then I'm a somebody. If I get a 00:14:01.929 --> 00:14:04.230 higher rank, if I make more money, if I drive 00:14:04.230 --> 00:14:07.409 this kind of car, if someday I can, if so many 00:14:07.409 --> 00:14:10.590 people have likes on Facebook, if I finally get 00:14:10.590 --> 00:14:18.009 my own, if I finally, then, lie, lie, lie, lie, 00:14:18.009 --> 00:14:21.019 lie. I live in the Silicon Valley, and for reasons 00:14:21.019 --> 00:14:23.580 I don't understand, I've discipled a lot of people 00:14:23.580 --> 00:14:25.659 that are the wealthiest. I mean, I know three 00:14:25.659 --> 00:14:33.080 billionaires. Not these three. I have never seen 00:14:33.080 --> 00:14:35.899 people with so much money and so much sorrow 00:14:35.899 --> 00:14:39.759 who really thought that when they went public, 00:14:39.980 --> 00:14:42.120 when they had a few million or 10 million or 00:14:42.120 --> 00:14:44.320 100 million or a billion, and you know what doesn't 00:14:44.320 --> 00:14:51.009 matter? The human heart. I've literally sat in 00:14:51.009 --> 00:14:53.190 a room with someone who was worth over a billion 00:14:53.190 --> 00:14:54.590 dollars and said, you know, I just don't feel 00:14:54.590 --> 00:14:57.529 comfortable giving if my cash flow goes down 00:14:57.529 --> 00:15:02.269 between 500 million. And I just thought the deceptive 00:15:02.269 --> 00:15:04.409 of the human heart. And before I got very judgmental, 00:15:04.409 --> 00:15:07.250 God said, what's your number, Chip? Because I 00:15:07.250 --> 00:15:10.610 have one and you have one. All I want you to 00:15:10.610 --> 00:15:13.149 know is that it's a mirage. Don't buy the lie. 00:15:15.190 --> 00:15:21.580 You're already valuable. You matter. Those things 00:15:21.580 --> 00:15:24.720 are things to steward. Second, dress appropriately 00:15:24.720 --> 00:15:29.539 for your mate. Jim Burns is a counselor, a teacher, 00:15:29.700 --> 00:15:33.519 a friend, and he says, practice awe, A -W -E, 00:15:33.639 --> 00:15:36.519 affirmation, warmth, and encouragement. This 00:15:36.519 --> 00:15:39.519 is what to do with your mate. And it's just a 00:15:39.519 --> 00:15:42.299 good little acronym. Do you understand that for 00:15:42.299 --> 00:15:44.240 every negative comment, your mate needs about 00:15:44.240 --> 00:15:48.480 10 positive ones? Ask yourself how much affirmation, 00:15:48.500 --> 00:15:51.659 and I don't mean Pollyanna making stuff up, but 00:15:51.659 --> 00:15:54.759 I mean affirming your mate and warmth. There's 00:15:54.759 --> 00:15:59.419 an atmosphere that's acceptable, that's caring, 00:15:59.740 --> 00:16:02.080 that's... You know, so often for some of you, 00:16:02.100 --> 00:16:04.340 like on your way home or just before, I don't 00:16:04.340 --> 00:16:06.220 know how it works, who works where and does what, 00:16:06.360 --> 00:16:09.139 but before I walk in the door, I have a little 00:16:09.139 --> 00:16:11.019 process I go through driving on the way home 00:16:11.019 --> 00:16:13.580 that thinks, I need to get my mind, because I'm 00:16:13.580 --> 00:16:16.139 thinking this, this, this. Okay, I'm going to 00:16:16.139 --> 00:16:19.440 walk in. Okay, where's her day been today? What 00:16:19.440 --> 00:16:21.659 did she do? Where's she going to be at emotionally? 00:16:22.279 --> 00:16:24.940 And what does she need the moment I walk in the 00:16:24.940 --> 00:16:29.620 door? And you know how I learned that? By not 00:16:29.620 --> 00:16:34.149 doing that. A lot. And I will tell you, for years, 00:16:34.289 --> 00:16:36.070 I mean, we had kids, and I ended up pastoring 00:16:36.070 --> 00:16:38.070 a church that's a pretty good size and a lot 00:16:38.070 --> 00:16:41.350 of demand. And one of the things, we ate as a 00:16:41.350 --> 00:16:44.730 family. I bet four or five nights, 530, we ate 00:16:44.730 --> 00:16:47.090 as a family. We shared around the table. We prayed 00:16:47.090 --> 00:16:50.230 around the table. Man, that was the link. But 00:16:50.230 --> 00:16:53.450 when I came home, I just thought every woman 00:16:53.450 --> 00:16:55.429 did this. When I came home, my wife knew when 00:16:55.429 --> 00:16:58.039 I was coming home, she went. She put on fresh 00:16:58.039 --> 00:17:01.100 makeup. I came home every day to a wife that 00:17:01.100 --> 00:17:04.460 looked and cared and created an invitation of 00:17:04.460 --> 00:17:06.819 warmth. I'd get someone with their hair pulled 00:17:06.819 --> 00:17:08.740 back in sweatpants who looked like she hadn't 00:17:08.740 --> 00:17:14.500 showered in a couple days. The people that your 00:17:14.500 --> 00:17:16.400 husband's working with or vice versa, they come 00:17:16.400 --> 00:17:19.740 put together. My wife created this atmosphere 00:17:19.740 --> 00:17:23.059 of warmth, of acceptance, and then encouragement. 00:17:23.180 --> 00:17:26.359 How do you lift them up? You know, a little act 00:17:26.359 --> 00:17:27.799 here. Hey, is there anything I can do to give 00:17:27.799 --> 00:17:29.960 you a hand? I found, are you ready for this? 00:17:30.700 --> 00:17:33.700 I found the counseling, out of the counseling, 00:17:33.819 --> 00:17:35.759 that running the vacuum was one of the most romantic 00:17:35.759 --> 00:17:39.279 things I could ever do. I'll tell you what, if 00:17:39.279 --> 00:17:40.880 running the vacuum a few times means we have 00:17:40.880 --> 00:17:42.960 a romantic night, hey, honey, give me that Hoover, 00:17:43.079 --> 00:17:48.400 baby. Hey, you know, let's get, but we all get 00:17:48.400 --> 00:17:51.440 loved in different ways. It's a heart of compassion. 00:17:51.619 --> 00:17:55.650 It's kindness. It's humility. And then we're 00:17:55.650 --> 00:17:58.329 going to wrap it with this. Have at least two 00:17:58.329 --> 00:18:01.609 couples conferences per week. I paid a lot of 00:18:01.609 --> 00:18:03.789 money for this and you get it for free. So you 00:18:03.789 --> 00:18:06.190 don't have to say thank you right now. But here's 00:18:06.190 --> 00:18:07.750 a conference. We didn't know how to communicate. 00:18:08.349 --> 00:18:10.670 Okay, I want you to imagine. Okay, here we go. 00:18:10.690 --> 00:18:14.690 Here we go. Here we go. This is, okay, you're 00:18:14.690 --> 00:18:18.089 going to do this today. You sit like this. Your 00:18:18.089 --> 00:18:20.410 mate sits like this. You make eye contact. You 00:18:20.410 --> 00:18:22.950 lean forward. And as the man, you say, what are 00:18:22.950 --> 00:18:26.450 you concerned about? And then visually, put duct 00:18:26.450 --> 00:18:29.309 tape over your mouth and lean forward. Ladies, 00:18:29.349 --> 00:18:30.930 here's what you do. Anything that comes to your 00:18:30.930 --> 00:18:33.150 mind. It doesn't have to be, I'm concerned about 00:18:33.150 --> 00:18:34.890 one of our kids. I'm concerned about our relationship. 00:18:35.190 --> 00:18:36.609 I'm concerned about, you know, we don't have 00:18:36.609 --> 00:18:37.990 enough money. I'm concerned about your mom's 00:18:37.990 --> 00:18:41.150 health. And ladies, just until you can't think 00:18:41.150 --> 00:18:43.289 of anything else, guys, hang in there. They get 00:18:43.289 --> 00:18:45.410 shorter after a while. And then when you're done, 00:18:45.450 --> 00:18:48.869 and by the way, men, say nothing. The only thing 00:18:48.869 --> 00:18:51.769 you can do is nod and say anything else. Okay, 00:18:51.809 --> 00:18:54.950 that's it. If you fix it, so help me, I'll knock 00:18:54.950 --> 00:18:58.250 you out. So then she says, what are you concerned 00:18:58.250 --> 00:19:02.089 about? And don't give her, not much. Everything's 00:19:02.089 --> 00:19:04.789 okay. She's been hearing that for years. I want 00:19:04.789 --> 00:19:08.930 you to sit there and go, well, I'm concerned 00:19:08.930 --> 00:19:12.339 I might get deployed. My supervisor, I think, 00:19:12.339 --> 00:19:14.079 is in an unfair situation. I'm concerned about 00:19:14.079 --> 00:19:16.339 one of our sons. I'm concerned about our money, 00:19:16.380 --> 00:19:19.740 too. Gosh, I don't know if my mom's going to 00:19:19.740 --> 00:19:24.440 live or not. And then second question, you say 00:19:24.440 --> 00:19:27.339 to your wife, what do you wish? And by the way, 00:19:27.359 --> 00:19:29.140 again, it can be, I wish we'd win the lottery. 00:19:29.259 --> 00:19:31.500 I wish we could get relocated. I wish our marriage 00:19:31.500 --> 00:19:33.980 would be 10 times better than it is now. Go easy 00:19:33.980 --> 00:19:36.640 on that one. I wish we could go to Disneyland. 00:19:36.940 --> 00:19:38.640 I wish we'd get a check in the mail for $100 00:19:38.640 --> 00:19:42.210 ,000. I wish, I wish. Whatever. And then, you 00:19:42.210 --> 00:19:45.150 get it? Don't interrupt her. I wish. And then 00:19:45.150 --> 00:19:46.769 the last question is, what are you willing to 00:19:46.769 --> 00:19:48.630 do? And here's the rule. You don't have to do 00:19:48.630 --> 00:19:52.109 anything. But here's what the conference does. 00:19:52.690 --> 00:19:56.230 It can take 15, 20 minutes. Without arguing, 00:19:56.369 --> 00:19:59.650 what happens is, you are going to hear all the 00:19:59.650 --> 00:20:01.569 things that are weighing down your partner's 00:20:01.569 --> 00:20:04.210 life. The burdens. And you're going to hear, 00:20:04.369 --> 00:20:07.710 if you chose to, where you could put wind in 00:20:07.710 --> 00:20:10.740 their sails. And so without arguing, without 00:20:10.740 --> 00:20:12.420 putting things, without trying to fix anything, 00:20:12.579 --> 00:20:14.400 all of a sudden, here's all the things that's 00:20:14.400 --> 00:20:16.440 weighing him down. Here's all the things that 00:20:16.440 --> 00:20:18.319 are weighing her down. Here's all the things 00:20:18.319 --> 00:20:20.460 that she wishes. Here's all the things he wishes. 00:20:20.640 --> 00:20:22.460 I remember the first one we had, I listened to 00:20:22.460 --> 00:20:24.599 all this. She was overwhelmed with our kids coming 00:20:24.599 --> 00:20:27.039 home with math homework. And we were not doing 00:20:27.039 --> 00:20:29.640 all that well. So I took a baby step. I'll take 00:20:29.640 --> 00:20:31.579 over the math homework. And she looked and said, 00:20:31.680 --> 00:20:34.339 really? I'm good in math. I'm not good in the 00:20:34.339 --> 00:20:37.240 other stuff. Yeah. And I mean, two weeks later, 00:20:37.279 --> 00:20:40.740 she goes, Chip, I said, what? I'm not sure I've 00:20:40.740 --> 00:20:42.579 ever felt more loved when you said that. And 00:20:42.579 --> 00:20:45.039 now every night you do math. I'm thinking, one, 00:20:45.819 --> 00:20:48.160 it was really easy. And two, part of it was they 00:20:48.160 --> 00:20:49.880 were working their mom. I just said, hey, do 00:20:49.880 --> 00:20:51.220 it again. I'll be back in about five minutes. 00:20:52.440 --> 00:20:54.119 There's something about a Marine dad that's pretty 00:20:54.119 --> 00:20:58.480 good. My biggest act of humility was I was so 00:20:58.480 --> 00:21:01.190 embarrassed to go to counseling. I was so embarrassed 00:21:01.190 --> 00:21:02.990 to sit in a room where someone might walk in 00:21:02.990 --> 00:21:04.670 and go, oh, there's a seminary student. He needs 00:21:04.670 --> 00:21:06.910 counseling. And the reason I would be embarrassed 00:21:06.910 --> 00:21:10.130 is because I was arrogant and proud. And your 00:21:10.130 --> 00:21:13.430 pride and your arrogance will keep you. God is 00:21:13.430 --> 00:21:15.990 opposed to the proud but gives grace to the humble. 00:21:16.269 --> 00:21:20.369 His grace always flows downhill. When He finds 00:21:20.369 --> 00:21:22.349 a man or a woman and says, I can't do this, will 00:21:22.349 --> 00:21:24.750 you help me? The Spirit of God and the grace 00:21:24.750 --> 00:21:30.210 of God will rush to meet you. This is Living 00:21:30.210 --> 00:21:33.089 on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Chip will be back 00:21:33.089 --> 00:21:35.930 with more thoughts shortly. To share this message 00:21:35.930 --> 00:21:38.490 with your spouse or a friend, find it online 00:21:38.490 --> 00:21:42.430 at livingontheedge .org. And to go along with 00:21:42.430 --> 00:21:44.569 today's powerful teaching, we want to encourage 00:21:44.569 --> 00:21:47.130 you to get your copy of Chip's latest book, I 00:21:47.130 --> 00:21:50.960 Choose Love. Agape love, the kind God demonstrates, 00:21:51.240 --> 00:21:54.200 isn't based on feelings or circumstances. It's 00:21:54.200 --> 00:21:57.279 built on commitment and action. This love gives 00:21:57.279 --> 00:22:00.220 sacrificially, serves consistently, and puts 00:22:00.220 --> 00:22:03.519 others first intentionally. In I Choose Love, 00:22:03.779 --> 00:22:06.559 Chip unpacks how to move from the shallow, worldly 00:22:06.559 --> 00:22:09.660 understanding of love to God's design for deep, 00:22:09.740 --> 00:22:12.700 lasting connection. Get your copy of I Choose 00:22:12.700 --> 00:22:16.519 Love online at livingontheedge .org. And friend, 00:22:16.619 --> 00:22:18.960 as you probably know, Living on the Edge is a 00:22:18.960 --> 00:22:21.599 nonprofit ministry, which means your partnership 00:22:21.599 --> 00:22:24.099 is what fuels these Bible teaching messages. 00:22:24.599 --> 00:22:26.900 Whether you've given before or today would be 00:22:26.900 --> 00:22:29.480 your first time, we invite you to join with us 00:22:29.480 --> 00:22:32.160 through a donation of any amount. We've made 00:22:32.160 --> 00:22:35.299 it easy to give online. Just go to livingontheedge 00:22:35.299 --> 00:22:38.400 .org or write to us through the mail at Living 00:22:38.400 --> 00:22:42.339 on the Edge, P .O. Box 3007, Atlanta, Georgia, 00:22:42.579 --> 00:22:46.480 30024. You can also call us and give over the 00:22:46.480 --> 00:22:52.200 phone. Just dial 888 -333 -6003. By the way, 00:22:52.259 --> 00:22:54.660 full sermons are now available on the Living 00:22:54.660 --> 00:22:57.500 on the Edge podcast with a feature called the 00:22:57.500 --> 00:23:00.720 Chip Ingram Sermon Podcast. Find these episodes 00:23:00.720 --> 00:23:03.579 right alongside our regular broadcasts on your 00:23:03.579 --> 00:23:06.960 podcast app. Now, Chip, before we go, can you 00:23:06.960 --> 00:23:09.019 give us a review of some of the key points from 00:23:09.019 --> 00:23:12.400 today's powerful lesson? Absolutely, Dave. As 00:23:12.400 --> 00:23:15.160 you know, the first one was treat your mate with 00:23:15.160 --> 00:23:18.359 awe, right? You know, it's affirmation, warmth, 00:23:18.599 --> 00:23:22.700 encouragement. A -W -E. Affirmation, warmth, 00:23:22.880 --> 00:23:25.400 encouragement. That will change the temperature 00:23:25.400 --> 00:23:28.460 in your home. The second was the one that, as 00:23:28.460 --> 00:23:32.240 I shared years and years ago, we got at our early 00:23:32.240 --> 00:23:34.319 marriage counseling. It's called The Conference. 00:23:34.440 --> 00:23:37.200 Three questions, and you can't interrupt the 00:23:37.200 --> 00:23:41.599 other person. What do you wish? Then the second 00:23:41.599 --> 00:23:44.579 question is, what are you concerned about? And 00:23:44.579 --> 00:23:47.200 then the last one, as I said, is what are you 00:23:47.200 --> 00:23:49.680 willing to do? And then the rule is, this is 00:23:49.680 --> 00:23:52.920 hard one for me, is you don't have to do anything. 00:23:53.259 --> 00:23:55.880 And so what you want to do is you want to get 00:23:55.880 --> 00:23:59.539 the burdens off your mate's heart and what would 00:23:59.539 --> 00:24:02.259 put wind in their sails. And you now have that 00:24:02.259 --> 00:24:04.960 in front of you. And I'm telling you, if you'll 00:24:04.960 --> 00:24:08.019 do this, I mean, a couple of times a week. 15, 00:24:08.200 --> 00:24:11.859 20 minutes or so, you will learn things and cover 00:24:11.859 --> 00:24:15.339 things not in the environment of hostility. You'll 00:24:15.339 --> 00:24:18.680 share them in a safe way because the other person 00:24:18.680 --> 00:24:20.859 can't say anything. And you ask me, what am I 00:24:20.859 --> 00:24:22.339 concerned about? Well, you know, I'm concerned 00:24:22.339 --> 00:24:24.740 about our finances. I'm concerned about our daughter. 00:24:24.839 --> 00:24:27.339 You know, she hasn't decided what school to go 00:24:27.339 --> 00:24:29.680 to yet. I'm concerned about whatever comes to 00:24:29.680 --> 00:24:33.440 mind. You will just find it will be amazing tool 00:24:33.440 --> 00:24:38.039 to get you connected from the heart. We still 00:24:38.039 --> 00:24:42.140 do this after 40 years, and it still works. I'm 00:24:42.140 --> 00:24:43.859 Dave Drewy, and that's all our time for today. 00:24:44.119 --> 00:24:46.460 Listen next time to discover biblical strategies 00:24:46.460 --> 00:24:48.900 for resolving conflict in your relationships, 00:24:49.180 --> 00:24:55.579 peaceably, tomorrow on Living on the Edge. Today's 00:24:55.579 --> 00:24:58.140 program is produced and sponsored by Living on 00:24:58.140 --> 00:24:58.619 the Edge.