Today on Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.
How often do you and your spouse really talk?
How often with your husband or with your wife
do you have a heart -to -heart conversation that
you walk away and say, wow, such a deep connection.
That was wonderful. If you want help in having
more of that, then stay with me. Most marriages
settle for techniques and self -help tools to
improve compatibility. But real transformation
happens when you stop living for God's approval
and start living from it. Today on Living on
the Edge, Chip Ingram shows how believing your
true identity changes everything about how you
love your mate. You're already chosen, holy,
and deeply loved. When that truth sinks into
your heart, you'll naturally dress appropriately,
putting on compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness,
and patience. It's not about performing better.
It's about understanding who you already are
in Christ. Well, here's Chip Ingram with his
message, Effectively Communicating God's Love
to Your Mate. Our text is Colossians chapter
3, verses 12 through 17. And it starts out with
what we already possess. So as those who've been
chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart
of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness,
and patience. So putting on a heart of compassion,
compassion is empathy to action versus being
cynical. You talk about something that'll change
your marriage more than any technique or any
skill, you start putting on a heart of compassion.
The second, he says, put on a heart of kindness.
Kindness is whatever is helpful, beneficial versus
being critical. Third is humility, means putting
their needs first. The next is gentleness. It's
strength under control, especially your emotions.
It's the opposite of being harsh, demanding.
Those looks that say to your mate, did you do
that again? The look that says, don't you ever
do anything right to one of your kids. It's gentle.
It's approachable. Put on a heart of patience.
It means to endure with a good attitude. 2 Peter
3 .9 says, you know, people, he was talking about,
you know, He's coming back. And everyone goes,
yeah, yeah, right. He's coming back. You've been
saying that for a long time. And Peter says,
you don't understand. God is not slow as some
think slow. For to him, a day in a thousand years
is the same. He is patient. Macro thumos. Can
you hear the two words? Macro thumos, heat. It's
dispersed. He wants all to be saved, to all to
come to repentance. It's putting up with. Enduring.
One more time. One more time. I'm not going to
give up. We're going to keep working at this.
You know the greatest question you can ask yourself
every single day? You might write this down.
What does it look like to trust God in this situation?
It's faith. Patience. I'm going to give you just
a little tool. You can write it at the bottom
of the page. I call this little tool I know you
really care when. Okay, just write that. I know
you really care when. Because some of you are
thinking, I want to be compassionate and I want
to be gentle. Okay, Chip, I really want to be
all this, but I'm not sure what it would look
like. I can't read her mind. I can't read his
mind. Here's what you do. There's a little column.
And, you know, if you're a husband, you write,
I know you really care, speaking to your wife,
when you, one, two, three. Just write the top
three. You can go five if you want, but I mean,
give her a break. Just write, I feel loved when
you, and just write the top three things that
when she does them, you feel loved. Ladies, you
write, here's the top three things. You can go
four or five. I feel most loved when you, and
just write them. And then just exchange lists.
So we've made this whole thing about it has to
be so spontaneous and if he could read my mind
or if she would only know. I did this with my
wife. We were struggling. The counselor gave
us this tool. Everything I give you, I got out
of counseling. But it's like, okay, here's the
top thing. When you take out the trash, when
you help with this, when you help with the kids'
homework, I'm thinking, what in the world has
this got to do with love? And finally I said,
it doesn't matter what I think. If this makes
her feel loved, guess what? I love her. Guess
what? I made a vow. Guess what? I'm committed
to her. So she made a list, and I just decided
I'm going to do at least one of those things
every day. If nothing else, at least, you know,
every day she is going to get loved by me with
some compassion and gentleness and vice versa.
Try it. You'll like it. Okay, shift. Because
what I have said to you so far can only happen
if something else happens. This is the clothing
metaphor. That word put on, put off, put on,
put off. Here's what you need to get. You cannot
put on the new until you take off the old. Notice
what he says here. The clothing metaphor is crucial
to biblical communication. Old clothes must be
taken off. Open your Bible if you're not already
there. We're in Colossians chapter 3. And after
he says to set your mind on the things above,
he says, put to death. I'm in verse 5. Whatever
belongs to your earthly nature. Well, what's
that? Sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil
desires, greed, which is idolatry. Why? Because
of these, the wrath of God is coming. And then
he reminds them, like he reminds us, you used
to walk in these things, in the life that you
once lived. Now get this, here's the new. But
now you must rid yourselves of such things as
anger, rage, malice, slander, filthy language
from your lips. Do not lie to each other. Why?
Since you have taken off, it's a metaphor, your
old self with its practices. But that's not the
end of it. And have put on the new self, which
is being renewed, mind renewal. How? In the knowledge,
in the image of its creator. You have to take
off the old. Old life of anger, logging on to
porn, flirting with other people, spending money
I don't have, yelling, screaming, abusive language.
Wanting my own way. Get rid of it all. That's
what he's saying. And put on. Put on the new
self. It's a journey. It's a process. You renew
your mind. You ask, who are the people in my
life that keep pulling me that way? What am I
putting into my mind? Whether it's on a video,
whether it's Netflix, whether it's porn, whether
it's a relationship that keeps telling me, hey,
why don't you come with us and do this? Whether
it's a temptation. Remember the passage where
Jesus said, if your right eye is causing you
to sin, pluck it out? Remember that one? Now,
some people took that literally, which is very
foolish, because if you pluck out your right
eye, I have got news for you. You can lust with
your left. If your right hand causes you to sin,
what do you say? Cut it off. Well, I got news.
You can still steal with your left hand. It was
an idiomatic expression, but here's what he was
saying. You be as radical as you need to be to
take off the impurities and the things that pull
you away from first the Lord Jesus and second
from your most important relationships. Now,
let's get real positive because many of you are
very convicted right now and you know what you
need to put off. So I'm not going to take you
off a hook, all right? But don't go to bed tonight.
You hear me? This is an order from the commander
in chief of the universe. And it's not because
he's mad. He wants to rescue you. Listen to him.
Do what he says. But here's what I want you to
get. The new self requires new clothes. Here's
the principle. Who we are determines how we dress.
Now, all of you were a bride. Do you remember
that day? You were the bride. So because you
were the bride, how did you dress? How did you
dress? I mean, you spent at least four hours.
I still remember. I had three boys and a girl,
so I've only had one wedding where I got really
inside. I mean, my lands. They did her hair.
They did her nails. They did the dress. It was
like a four or five hour getting ready. Why?
Because she wanted to be beautiful and awesome
for her husband. Who you are determines how you
dress. Who are you? You're a daughter of the
living God. You're a son of the King of Kings
and the Lord of Lords. So how do you dress? You
dress in a way that's appropriate. I want you
to imagine in your mind's eye, and maybe some
of you have been there, but you're going to receive
the distinguished medal of honor. How would you
dress for the occasion? Jeans? Flip -flops? I
don't think so. See, you dress. That's why. I
can give you tools galore. I can give you all
kind of techniques, and there's a place for them.
Until you start to believe that you are chosen,
that you are set apart and holy, and that you're
deeply, powerfully, unconditionally loved, you'll
never dress that way. The great majority of Christians
are living for God's approval instead of from
God's approval, and the difference is night and
day. When you live from God's approval, when
I carry that money in my pocket or when I choose
to do things for Teresa, I'm not doing it because
God goes, okay, on the big refrigerator in heaven,
hey guys, three more stars for Chip. It doesn't
work that way. When I do something like that,
it's, God, you've been so kind and so compassionate
and so patient with me. You have so humbled yourself
to stoop, to die in my place. You have been so
gracious to cause your spirit to dwell inside
of me, to guide me. You have in supernatural
ways provided access where I not only have the
mind of Christ, but you've given me your word.
And you've told me that if I come to you, you'll
renew my mind and you'll make me more and more
like Jesus. As I soak that in, what happens?
From God's approval, You love. I have been on
a journey for 40 years to try and believe and
feel and accept that God loves me for me. Some
of you grew up in homes like I did. My dad's
idea of love was you went three for four. What
happened? You know, Chip, how many times have
I told you when that curveball comes on the inside,
you step in the bucket. That's why you grind
it out the shortstop. Come on, son. Step it up.
Four A's and a B. Son, give me your report card.
What happened here? Now, he loved me, and he
thought that would, you know, I got one degree,
so when are you going to get your master's? Got
that degree, when are you going to get that?
When are you going to get that? I finally came
at about 35. I will never live up to my dad's
expectations. And somehow I translated that to
that's how God was, and he's not. You're listening
to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. We'll
continue with Chip's teaching in just a minute.
The message you're hearing today is part of our
series Choosing Love. If you want to dig deeper
into these powerful principles, the complete
series is waiting for you online at livingontheedge
.org. You'll discover additional teaching, downloadable
resources, and study questions to help you apply
these truths. Visit us online at livingontheedge
.org. Well, now let's get back to the message.
God loves you for you. If you never did anything,
he loves you. He died for you while you were
still a sinner, while you were his enemy. So
here's the problem. We have settled for techniques
and self -help tools to change how we speak and
to modify our emotions and behaviors to improve
compatibility. I think so much of what we do
in our marriages is, how do we get along better?
rather than focusing on the deep -rooted transformation
of our hearts, which empowers us to give life
-giving love of Christ to our mates. That's where
the real action is. The solution is threefold.
Number one, don't buy the lie. I am what I have,
possessions. I am what I accomplish, performance.
I am what others think of me, popularity. Most
of us at some level live with the if -then, if
-then. If I become, then I'll be a somebody.
If I possess, then I'm a somebody. If I get a
higher rank, if I make more money, if I drive
this kind of car, if someday I can, if so many
people have likes on Facebook, if I finally get
my own, if I finally, then, lie, lie, lie, lie,
lie. I live in the Silicon Valley, and for reasons
I don't understand, I've discipled a lot of people
that are the wealthiest. I mean, I know three
billionaires. Not these three. I have never seen
people with so much money and so much sorrow
who really thought that when they went public,
when they had a few million or 10 million or
100 million or a billion, and you know what doesn't
matter? The human heart. I've literally sat in
a room with someone who was worth over a billion
dollars and said, you know, I just don't feel
comfortable giving if my cash flow goes down
between 500 million. And I just thought the deceptive
of the human heart. And before I got very judgmental,
God said, what's your number, Chip? Because I
have one and you have one. All I want you to
know is that it's a mirage. Don't buy the lie.
You're already valuable. You matter. Those things
are things to steward. Second, dress appropriately
for your mate. Jim Burns is a counselor, a teacher,
a friend, and he says, practice awe, A -W -E,
affirmation, warmth, and encouragement. This
is what to do with your mate. And it's just a
good little acronym. Do you understand that for
every negative comment, your mate needs about
10 positive ones? Ask yourself how much affirmation,
and I don't mean Pollyanna making stuff up, but
I mean affirming your mate and warmth. There's
an atmosphere that's acceptable, that's caring,
that's... You know, so often for some of you,
like on your way home or just before, I don't
know how it works, who works where and does what,
but before I walk in the door, I have a little
process I go through driving on the way home
that thinks, I need to get my mind, because I'm
thinking this, this, this. Okay, I'm going to
walk in. Okay, where's her day been today? What
did she do? Where's she going to be at emotionally?
And what does she need the moment I walk in the
door? And you know how I learned that? By not
doing that. A lot. And I will tell you, for years,
I mean, we had kids, and I ended up pastoring
a church that's a pretty good size and a lot
of demand. And one of the things, we ate as a
family. I bet four or five nights, 530, we ate
as a family. We shared around the table. We prayed
around the table. Man, that was the link. But
when I came home, I just thought every woman
did this. When I came home, my wife knew when
I was coming home, she went. She put on fresh
makeup. I came home every day to a wife that
looked and cared and created an invitation of
warmth. I'd get someone with their hair pulled
back in sweatpants who looked like she hadn't
showered in a couple days. The people that your
husband's working with or vice versa, they come
put together. My wife created this atmosphere
of warmth, of acceptance, and then encouragement.
How do you lift them up? You know, a little act
here. Hey, is there anything I can do to give
you a hand? I found, are you ready for this?
I found the counseling, out of the counseling,
that running the vacuum was one of the most romantic
things I could ever do. I'll tell you what, if
running the vacuum a few times means we have
a romantic night, hey, honey, give me that Hoover,
baby. Hey, you know, let's get, but we all get
loved in different ways. It's a heart of compassion.
It's kindness. It's humility. And then we're
going to wrap it with this. Have at least two
couples conferences per week. I paid a lot of
money for this and you get it for free. So you
don't have to say thank you right now. But here's
a conference. We didn't know how to communicate.
Okay, I want you to imagine. Okay, here we go.
Here we go. Here we go. This is, okay, you're
going to do this today. You sit like this. Your
mate sits like this. You make eye contact. You
lean forward. And as the man, you say, what are
you concerned about? And then visually, put duct
tape over your mouth and lean forward. Ladies,
here's what you do. Anything that comes to your
mind. It doesn't have to be, I'm concerned about
one of our kids. I'm concerned about our relationship.
I'm concerned about, you know, we don't have
enough money. I'm concerned about your mom's
health. And ladies, just until you can't think
of anything else, guys, hang in there. They get
shorter after a while. And then when you're done,
and by the way, men, say nothing. The only thing
you can do is nod and say anything else. Okay,
that's it. If you fix it, so help me, I'll knock
you out. So then she says, what are you concerned
about? And don't give her, not much. Everything's
okay. She's been hearing that for years. I want
you to sit there and go, well, I'm concerned
I might get deployed. My supervisor, I think,
is in an unfair situation. I'm concerned about
one of our sons. I'm concerned about our money,
too. Gosh, I don't know if my mom's going to
live or not. And then second question, you say
to your wife, what do you wish? And by the way,
again, it can be, I wish we'd win the lottery.
I wish we could get relocated. I wish our marriage
would be 10 times better than it is now. Go easy
on that one. I wish we could go to Disneyland.
I wish we'd get a check in the mail for $100
,000. I wish, I wish. Whatever. And then, you
get it? Don't interrupt her. I wish. And then
the last question is, what are you willing to
do? And here's the rule. You don't have to do
anything. But here's what the conference does.
It can take 15, 20 minutes. Without arguing,
what happens is, you are going to hear all the
things that are weighing down your partner's
life. The burdens. And you're going to hear,
if you chose to, where you could put wind in
their sails. And so without arguing, without
putting things, without trying to fix anything,
all of a sudden, here's all the things that's
weighing him down. Here's all the things that
are weighing her down. Here's all the things
that she wishes. Here's all the things he wishes.
I remember the first one we had, I listened to
all this. She was overwhelmed with our kids coming
home with math homework. And we were not doing
all that well. So I took a baby step. I'll take
over the math homework. And she looked and said,
really? I'm good in math. I'm not good in the
other stuff. Yeah. And I mean, two weeks later,
she goes, Chip, I said, what? I'm not sure I've
ever felt more loved when you said that. And
now every night you do math. I'm thinking, one,
it was really easy. And two, part of it was they
were working their mom. I just said, hey, do
it again. I'll be back in about five minutes.
There's something about a Marine dad that's pretty
good. My biggest act of humility was I was so
embarrassed to go to counseling. I was so embarrassed
to sit in a room where someone might walk in
and go, oh, there's a seminary student. He needs
counseling. And the reason I would be embarrassed
is because I was arrogant and proud. And your
pride and your arrogance will keep you. God is
opposed to the proud but gives grace to the humble.
His grace always flows downhill. When He finds
a man or a woman and says, I can't do this, will
you help me? The Spirit of God and the grace
of God will rush to meet you. This is Living
on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Chip will be back
with more thoughts shortly. To share this message
with your spouse or a friend, find it online
at livingontheedge .org. And to go along with
today's powerful teaching, we want to encourage
you to get your copy of Chip's latest book, I
Choose Love. Agape love, the kind God demonstrates,
isn't based on feelings or circumstances. It's
built on commitment and action. This love gives
sacrificially, serves consistently, and puts
others first intentionally. In I Choose Love,
Chip unpacks how to move from the shallow, worldly
understanding of love to God's design for deep,
lasting connection. Get your copy of I Choose
Love online at livingontheedge .org. And friend,
as you probably know, Living on the Edge is a
nonprofit ministry, which means your partnership
is what fuels these Bible teaching messages.
Whether you've given before or today would be
your first time, we invite you to join with us
through a donation of any amount. We've made
it easy to give online. Just go to livingontheedge
.org or write to us through the mail at Living
on the Edge, P .O. Box 3007, Atlanta, Georgia,
30024. You can also call us and give over the
phone. Just dial 888 -333 -6003. By the way,
full sermons are now available on the Living
on the Edge podcast with a feature called the
Chip Ingram Sermon Podcast. Find these episodes
right alongside our regular broadcasts on your
podcast app. Now, Chip, before we go, can you
give us a review of some of the key points from
today's powerful lesson? Absolutely, Dave. As
you know, the first one was treat your mate with
awe, right? You know, it's affirmation, warmth,
encouragement. A -W -E. Affirmation, warmth,
encouragement. That will change the temperature
in your home. The second was the one that, as
I shared years and years ago, we got at our early
marriage counseling. It's called The Conference.
Three questions, and you can't interrupt the
other person. What do you wish? Then the second
question is, what are you concerned about? And
then the last one, as I said, is what are you
willing to do? And then the rule is, this is
hard one for me, is you don't have to do anything.
And so what you want to do is you want to get
the burdens off your mate's heart and what would
put wind in their sails. And you now have that
in front of you. And I'm telling you, if you'll
do this, I mean, a couple of times a week. 15,
20 minutes or so, you will learn things and cover
things not in the environment of hostility. You'll
share them in a safe way because the other person
can't say anything. And you ask me, what am I
concerned about? Well, you know, I'm concerned
about our finances. I'm concerned about our daughter.
You know, she hasn't decided what school to go
to yet. I'm concerned about whatever comes to
mind. You will just find it will be amazing tool
to get you connected from the heart. We still
do this after 40 years, and it still works. I'm
Dave Drewy, and that's all our time for today.
Listen next time to discover biblical strategies
for resolving conflict in your relationships,
peaceably, tomorrow on Living on the Edge. Today's
program is produced and sponsored by Living on
the Edge.