Today on Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.
You know, it's hard to believe that there are
couples out there that have been married 30,
40, 50 years, and it's super inspiring. And yet
in our day, you have to scratch your head and
say, what did they know? What did they do that
kept their love alive? It's so easy to drift.
If you would like to know the secret that they
have, then stay with me. Sometimes keeping love
alive feels impossible. Crisis hits, plans get
canceled, but hard times don't mean something's
wrong with your marriage. They mean you need
specific skills to thrive. Today on Living on
the Edge, Chip Ingram begins a powerful teaching
on four essential skills every couple needs.
And it all starts with spiritual intimacy. Before
you can love your spouse well, you must first
grasp who you've become in Christ. You can't
give away what you don't possess. As Chip unpacks
this truth, you'll discover why drawing near
to God is the secret to drawing near to each
other. Well, here's Chip Ingram with today's
message, Cultivating Spiritual Intimacy. Sometimes
it's harder to keep love alive than others. Sometimes
you cope in a crisis. I don't know about you.
I mean, I have been married 42 years. This was
one of the hardest years of my marriage. You
know, we had a number of things planned. They
all got canceled. We had certain rhythms where
we went and did certain things. They were all
canceled. But there's all kind of times. Times
when you have a health issue. Sometimes when
you're separated or relocate. Sometimes financial
stresses put a lot of pressure on you. And all
I want to say is going through really challenging
times doesn't mean there's something wrong with
you or your marriage. And everything we're going
to talk about is how do you move up toward God
and closer to one another. And there's things
you need to know, but there's also skills you
need to develop. And what I want to talk about
in our time is four skills that we need to develop.
But before I do, remember I told you I was in
Colossians a lot? As I prayed about what to share,
I literally, I bet, I'm not going to exaggerate,
but verses 12 through 17, I bet I've gone through
that in my mind hundreds of times. I've said
it out loud in the car. I've prayed it word by
word, verse by verse. And what I realized was
all the skills that I wanted to teach you, they
all grow out of this one passage. So as those
who've been chosen of God, holy and beloved,
that's who you are, here's what you do. Put on
a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness,
and patience. Bearing with one another and forgiving
each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone.
Just as the Lord forgave you, so also should
you. And beyond all these things, put on love,
which is the perfect bond of unity. Let the peace
of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed
you were called into one body and command, be
thankful. Let the word of Christ richly dwell
within you with all wisdom, teaching and admonishing
one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual
songs, singing with thankfulness in your heart
to God. Whatever you do in word or deed, do all
in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks.
Let me just give you a brief little outline.
The first command is put on a heart. In other
words, it's not just an activity. Put on a heart
of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness,
and patience. And then notice the second command
beyond all these. It's not just doing the things.
Put on love. Unconditional. I'm for you. I give
whether I get anything back or not, which is
the perfect bond of unity. And the third command,
it's interesting, and sometimes in the text it
looks so small, it says be thankful. That's a
separate command. In other words, be grateful.
Focus on what you do have in your marriage. Focus
what you do have in life. Thank God for what
you do have rather than focus on what you don't
have. And then he goes, let the peace of Christ
rule in your hearts. Another command. We'll talk
about what that means. Let the word of Christ
richly dwell within you. Another command. And
then whatever you do in word or deed, do all
in the name of the Lord Jesus. So let's dig in.
Skill number one. How do you develop Spiritual
intimacy. Spiritual intimacy with Christ is cultivated
by actively believing two things. Number one,
whose we are. In other words, that you've chosen.
Spiritual intimacy with Christ is cultivated
by actively believing whose we are. You're his.
The second thing. The second is who you've become,
that you're holy. Chapter two, picking it up
at verse nine. For in Christ, all the fullness
of deity dwells in bodily form. That means all
there is of God was in Jesus. And you have been
given fullness in Christ, who is head over every
power and authority. In him you were also circumcised
in the putting off of your sinful nature. Not
with the circumcision done with hands of men,
but a circumcision done, By Christ. A circumcision
of the heart. Having been buried with him in
baptism. Raised with him through faith in the
power of God. Who raised him from the dead. When
you were dead in your sins. And in the uncircumcision
of your sinful nature. God made you alive with
Christ. He forgave all of our sins. Having canceled
out the written code. with regulations that was
against us and that stood opposed to us, he took
it all away, nailing it to the cross. And having
disarmed, this is the spiritual powers and authorities,
he made a public spectacle of them, triumphing
over them by the cross. God looks at you this
day through the lens of the blood of his son.
Not only you are precious and loved, but you
are forgiven. You are clean. That is your position
with him. Intimacy, it's believing that he wants
you, that he loves you, that he's for you. It's
not for someone else that when you draw near,
he'll draw near to you. And in terms of marriage,
here's what I want you to get. I said it earlier,
you can't give away what you do not have. Until
you see yourself the way God sees you and love
your mate out of overflow, you will instead have
loving acts to get your own needs met, to get
what you want, and to benefit you. And when you
don't get them, you get angry. And if you watch
enough TV, you'll believe lies like there's someone
better out there. Or that you ought to have no
problems and this person ought to come through.
And so you will love conditionally and your love
will be fragile and it will only be horizontal
and it will crack under pressure and you will
probably live a very painful life to learn that
there is no human being on the earth that can
give you what you're looking for. Spiritual intimacy
is... Cultivated with your mate by recognizing
the supremacy of Christ's role and relationship
in your marriage. He created all things. He sustains
all things by the word of his power. All things
were created by him and for him. And he's the
head of the church. And he's the firstborn from
the dead. And he has supremacy over everything.
If you want to have intimacy in your relationship
horizontally, he has to have the same place in
your life and the same place in your marriage
that he has in the universe. That means if he
says, men, I want you to love your wife. Good
days, bad days. What's love look like? Well,
just ask Jesus. Well, what do you mean? He was
willing to die for his bride. You need to be
willing to die for her. And not just metaphorically.
Well, put her needs ahead. Cherish her. Protect
her. Provide for her. Live with her in an understanding
way. You be Jesus to her. That's your call. Regardless
of how she responds. Well, why should I do that?
Because I'm God and I created it and I designed
it and I told you to. How's that? No, we've got,
we're in such air. The byproducts of marriage
happen to be that you get to have children, you're
not alone, you have good sex, if not great sex
occasionally, and you have a life companion.
But the major point of marriage is not so that
you're happy or even fulfilled. The major point
of marriage is it's a metaphor to declare Jesus
and the church. Your marriage, your love, your
forgiveness, you're working through problems,
you caring and loving and cherishing and respecting
is to be the picture of Jesus and his bride.
And the loudest, the loudest, the greatest picture
that the world will ever see of Christians is
marriages where they love one another. Well,
it's easy to love one another. I mean, pagans
can love one another when everything's great.
The church, your job, my job, is to demonstrate
as a man what Christ's love is like to the church.
And as a woman, what's it like for a church to
respond in love and respect and tender consideration
and connection to Christ? You're listening to
Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. We'll continue
with Chip's teaching in just a minute. The message
you're hearing today is part of our series, Choosing
Love. If you want to dig deeper into these powerful
principles, the complete series is waiting for
you online at livingontheedge .org. You'll discover
additional teaching, downloadable resources,
and study questions to help you apply these truths.
Visit us online at livingontheedge .org. Now
let's get back to the message. There's few things.
that will make a bigger difference in the watching
world than your marriage. If you want to have
intimacy, it can't be like, God, I really want
a great marriage. Okay, there's some really good
verses here for my wife. Hon, you need to read
these. Man, these are really good ones. I'm not
sure what all the submissive stuff is, but it
sounds pretty darn good. You want to have a great
marriage? I mean, can you imagine the designers
and the engineers and the people that have put
together the things that you all do all around
the world? Can you just imagine going, you know,
I just don't read manuals. I'm just going to
do this any way I think is better. How would
that work? The creator of the universe has made
it clear. what he wants you to do and what it
looks like. And he did it because he loves you.
He did it because he's good. He did it because
he cares. And yes, it's counterintuitive. And
by the way, ready? It's hard. I had a guy come
to me and, you know, he's a young guy in the
Silicon Valley and has done real well financially.
You know, we'd meet him and think, oh, you have
this beautiful wife and, you know, kids and a
great job and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And
we were playing nine holes of golf. And he goes,
you know, I'm just, I just, something's really,
really wrong. I said, what's that? He goes like
this, man, I'm really trying hard to be a good
husband. It's just, it's just shouldn't be this
hard. There's always something. I mean, there's
always something, you know, and then he. I don't
want to be too crass. We're good buddies. And
by the way, he's now done, you know, like a 180.
But it was like, you know, this and this and
this and this. And I'm thinking, would you grow
up? Those are such, you know, nickel and dime
stuff. And so finally, he actually played in
the arena football, was an excellent athlete.
And so I just asked him, I said, excuse me, can
I ask you a question? I said, did you ever do
two days growing up? In football. Oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah. Or what about in college? You know, all
-American, all that kind of stuff. Did you like
hit the weight room and nutrition? Oh, man, it
was like your life. This is what we did. And
when you played pro ball, what was that like?
Oh, man. I said, so what you're telling me is
to be a star and be a football player, it's really
hard. You get hit. You get up early. You lift
weights. You eat. You go to sleep. And you focus
your whole life. But your wife's not worth that?
Really? Who told you it's supposed to be easy?
In fact, here's the deal. I'm convinced, this
is Chip Ingram, not the Bible, so put this in
your notes, asterisk, Ingram thinks this, don't
know if it's really true. No, I'm serious. I
have a lot of Chip Ingram when I try to keep
to the Bible, but this is one of mine. I'm convinced
that God actually has created marriage in such
a way that it really doesn't work. I mean, two
people with different personalities that are
both selfish and both sinners, it really doesn't
work unless you follow the design and you get
to where he gives you unconditional love and
you can put the other person first and do all
the super counterintuitive stuff. Everything
that has made our marriage really, really good
is like, this is crazy. I'm the man. I should
get up and make coffee in the morning. I should
bring it to her. I should affirm her. I should
do this. What about me? And every time I keep
little by little learning what it means to cherish
her and serve her and help her discover her gifts
and understand in ways that they still don't
make sense to me how she thinks. You know what?
I don't have to understand it. But I've learned
to not fix it and just listen. And the more you
become like Jesus, the easier you are to live
with. Can you imagine that? Can you imagine being
married to someone who's very kind? Can you imagine
being married to someone who's humble, that just
on a regular basis, just not acts humble, but
just actually puts your needs ahead of theirs?
Or someone that bears with you that, you know,
the underwear is still on the floor, the toothpaste
is still like that, you still interrupt me when
we're with other people, and I love you. I mean,
it's an amazing thing. And that's the core of
building intimacy. Let's jump into how to get
really, really practical. Why build a marriage
God's way? First, because He commanded it. And
second, because it's for your benefit. And let
me give you some very specific benefits of marriage.
Doing it God's way. These are so... So helpful.
I listed them, and you'll notice there's a little
asterisk, and at the bottom, Divorce Proof Your
Marriage by Gary and Barbara Rosberg. And spiritual
intimacy allows you to connect at the deepest
level. I mean, we connect emotionally. We connect
spiritually. But I will tell you, the deepest
possible connection will be a connection of your
spirits in the presence of God. that will build
a bond that it like puts the emotions on steroids
and the physical on steroids. Spiritual intimacy,
as you draw closer to God, and as you begin,
and we'll talk about how, and by the way, I'm
going to tell you a little bit later, it's really
a challenge to develop spiritual intimacy. It's
a lot easier to develop physical intimacy or
even emotional intimacy. Second is spiritual
intimacy links you with God's purposes and plans
for your life. He says, I know the plans that
I have for you, Jeremiah, right? 29, 11. They're
plans for good, not for evil, for your welfare,
to give you a hope and a future. When you connect
you with God and her or him with God, then it
aligns you to know his voice and his plans and
his direction for your life. Third, spiritual
intimacy allows you to bless each other with
God's love. That's what I've been talking a lot
about. All I can tell you is we've overplayed.
I'm not going to go down my Hallmark story right
now, but if I watched like 50 Hallmarks, I would
think that all of love is about... ooey -gooey
emotions, starry -eyed, meeting people, and kissing
when it starts to snow. Based solely on physical
attraction by, seems to be, very, very pretty
people who live in really nice houses, who actually
have a lot of time to do everything except work,
because they, I mean, and within the first seven
minutes, I have no idea how it's going to end,
except I think they're going to fall in love.
And 10 minutes before it's over, it doesn't look
like it's going to work. And oh, yes, it does.
And I don't mean that as crassly, but there's
a diet of that that is so permeated our culture.
People actually believe love is romantic feelings.
And we've developed such a narcissistic culture
that you think when you're unhappy, something's
wrong. You understand, Jesus was unhappy a lot.
Hebrews says in the course of his lifetime, he
shed many tears. He hurt for people. He was lonely.
He was rejected. He was tempted in every way,
just like you and just like me. He was fully
human, yet without sin. Part of life is down
days, hard days, struggle days. For you've been
called to this purpose since Christ also suffered
for you. Who though he suffered, he didn't revile
or pay back, but entrusted himself to a faithful
creator. Suffering is a part of life. We've lived
in this last... 30 to 40 years, and it's creeped
more and more into evangelical Christianity at
all levels that somehow Jesus wants to make you
self -fulfilled and happy and make everything
go great. And when Jesus doesn't do that, you're
disillusioned. When you demand from God promises
he never made, you're worshiping a God that doesn't
exist. His agenda is not to make you happy. He
doesn't work all things together for your good
to those that are called, to those that love
Him, so that you'll be self -fulfilled and happy.
You're listening to Living on the Edge with Chip
Ingram, and he'll be back in a minute. But first,
let me tell you about Chip's newest resource
that connects perfectly with this teaching. It's
his latest book titled, I Choose Love. Here's
what makes this book so timely. We've been told
love is something that happens to us, that magical
feeling we can't control. But Chip reveals a
revolutionary truth. Love is something you choose.
Real love, agape love, isn't built on romantic
feelings or emotional highs. It's characterized
by sacrifice and action. In I Choose Love, Chip
shows you how to experience the kind of love
that never fails. You'll discover practical ways
to move beyond the Hollywood version of romance
into the deep, satisfying connection God designed.
Order I Choose Love online at livingontheedge
.org. Right now, marriages across the country
are being rebuilt through the biblical teaching
of Living on the Edge, couples who felt hopeless
are finding direction. Well, this happens because
friends like you partner with this ministry.
Your support reaches people right when they need
it most. Would you consider joining us today?
Visit livingontheedge .org to give or mail your
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sermons now available through the Chip Ingram
Sermon Podcast, available wherever you listen
to podcasts. Well, now here's Chip. I just want
to remind you that keeping marital love alive
in your relationship, it starts with finding,
protecting, and cultivating spiritual intimacy.
Now, I just want to pause for just a second because
I've done this enough. And when I taught this
there at the Billy Graham Center, I mean, all
the wives are leaning forward going, yes, yes,
yes, yes. Spiritual intimacy with my husband
and all the guys are leaning back and a couple
of them are kind of crossing their arms going,
hey, buddy, I don't know what you're talking
about here. I know I'm not good at that. And
I know my wife is way better than that. Just
relax. OK, we're going to walk through this together.
But I really want you to know that some things
don't come naturally and some things are very
threatening. And of all the things I think that
are threatening in a marriage, and especially
for a man, is this idea of spiritual leadership,
spiritual intimacy. I want you to know that if
you can take some baby steps and practice some
things that I'm going to share with you. it will
begin to resolve so many other areas. And you
get on the same page with God, then pretty soon
you're on the same page with your kids and your
finances. And I remember Charles Spurgeon wrote,
I am certain that I never did grow in grace one
half so much anywhere as when I was in the bed
of pain. And so what I want you to know is...
We're going to have struggles. They're normal.
Marriage is hard. It requires hard work. Those
of you that have heard me over the years know
I've shared pretty honestly about some really
painful, difficult times in almost every area
of our marriage. And I share those because I
think people really miss out because they think,
oh, it's not going well, or I fell out of love,
or this is so hard. Maybe this isn't the right
person. Those are lies. You're just experiencing
the normal challenge. challenges of marriage.
And what we want to do is give you some skills
that by the grace of God, your marriage can grow
into exactly what God wants it to be and what
you long for. So stick around with us on this
one. I'm Dave Drewy. Join us as Chip Ingram shares
practical insights on deepening love in marriage
next time on Living on the Edge. Today's program
is produced and sponsored by Living on the Edge.