This is the Chip Ingram Sermon Podcast, brought
to you by Living on the Edge. In this podcast,
you'll hear Chip's teaching unedited and from
beginning to end. Well, now here's Chip Ingram
with today's message titled, Forgiving, How to
Restore Your Peace. As we get started, I'm going
to ask you to answer a question, not out loud
for sure on this one. But I want you to think
honestly and very deeply, what is something in
your past or in your present that you're ashamed
of? Something you'd rather no one know about
or ever find out about, or at best, maybe the
closest, most trusted friend in the world, but
no one else. Something that would embarrass you
if others found out about it. Something that
if you thought someone, even your mate, might
know this, that they would have a lesser opinion
of you. We all have some things like that. And
we spend an inordinate amount of energy kind
of putting them in boxes and categorizing them
and pushing them down and denying them. pretending
they're not there. And then in certain times,
in certain ways, boy, they come rushing back
over us. It's called shame. Shame is a painful
feeling of humiliation or distress caused by
the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior,
or listen carefully, or regrettable, unfortunate
situation or action. My father was In his 80s
and still having nightmares from Guam and Iwo
Jima. He talked about his closest brothers falling
on his right and his left. He was 16 and a half
when he went in. But he was an athlete and he
was strong. Mom signed for him because that's
what you do. You defend your country. So they
gave him a .50 caliber machine gun. And on the
islands at that season, it was better to die
than to go home in shame. And he said, we would
dig a trench, a big arc, 75, sometimes 100 yards.
And the Japanese would rush us. And it was like
I mowed grass all day. And I killed thousands
and thousands and thousands and thousands of
people. He got hit. It's the only reason he made
it out. But he made it out and those he loved
and those who had his back didn't. He lived with
the guilt of a just war, but it can be a just
war, but when you kill people and you're not
made to kill people, it does something to you
that people don't understand. And when you have
the guilt that why did I get to come home and
others didn't, it does something to you that's
hard to express. So he, Found he felt a little
bit better by his numbing of choice. But he had
unresolved angers. He had fears. He came to know
Jesus Christ in his mid to late 50s. He began
to renew his mind. But he never got those things
out in the open. Never fully dealt with them.
And lived with nightmares. until the last years
that he died. He had a combination of guilt and
shame and confusion. It's not a surprise that
he didn't ever tell me or any of his children
that he loved them. He couldn't verbalize it.
He had a hard time expressing that. See, you
can't give away something you don't have. Did
he love me? Of course. Were there actions that
he showed me? Yes. In fact, All of his desire
to want me to be successful was him expressing
love. But the way it got translated was no matter
what I did, it just needed to be a little bit
better. You know, four A's and a B. Let's work
on the B. You went two for four? Hey, you know,
inside pitch curveball, you can't step out. That's
why you ground out. You know, so no matter what,
it was always. But it was his wound. We have
shame for three major reasons, according to the
experts. One is a theological reason. We all
have shame. The fall. Remember, after sin, what
did Adam do? What did Adam and Eve do? They hid.
And we've been all hiding ever since. You don't
have to go to war to hide from your shame. When
you're naked, and I don't mean just physically,
I mean when you're naked and you see who you
really are or anyone else sees who you really
are, not what we portray, not how we act, not
how we cover it, not our sophistication and all
of our defense mechanisms, but the real you,
the parts of you that you know are not right,
you hide. But it gets worse because it's not
just shame that we inherit from the fall, but
it's shame from things done to us. And isn't
it a weird thing? Over and over and over, you
can tell kids forever that, oh, it's not your
fault. Kids who go through divorce blame themselves.
Women and children that are abused blame themselves.
People that are rejected unfairly have shame.
And then there's the third level of shame. It's
things that we do. The affair. The addiction,
the explosive anger, the cheating. When you're
the abuser, crime, jail, prison, the abortion,
the list can go on. Some of you have found yourselves
in places and doing things that you hope no one,
you can't stand to look at it, let alone the
thought of anybody else. And so the response
of this fundamental imprint on your soul that
you don't measure up, that there's something
wrong with you, that you're deficient, that you're
flawed, that you're damaged, that you're unacceptable,
that you're unlovable, that you're dirty, that
you're rejected, that you're inferior, that you're
broken, and in times in your worst moment where
you feel like you're disgusting, there's about
three natural responses. Response number one
is to hide. Response number two is to numb the
pain. And it can be alcohol, porn, multiple partners,
prescription drugs, work, ministry. And the other
is to compensate. I'll prove to myself and to
others somehow. And it can come out in workaholism
or some way that you're going to prove and somehow
balance the scales and do good for all the things
that are hidden inside. It's interesting. Some
of the questions, here's a question. Why do I
clam up when things go wrong, sometimes for weeks,
and ignore her and all the problems? Why? It's
because of shame. Just bury it. You're frozen.
You're paralyzed. And yet, here's what I want
to tell you. It's one thing to be forgiven, and
I think most of you, I pray all of you, have
come to the point where whatever you've done
and whatever you've recognized, you've come to
a living God and said, I know I don't measure
up. I want to trust fully in what Christ did
on the cross for me, and he paid for my sin,
and I've received that free gift, and I've invited
him into my life. But there's a difference between
being forgiven and being restored. There's a
lot of people who have been legally forgiven.
Your sins are forgiven, but you live as a second
class citizen or you're numbing yourself or you
have big walls between you and your mate and
other people. There was just something about
my dad that you could get so close and then it
was just, that was it. Intimacy was just, couldn't
do it. That was probably my, mid to late 30s.
I kept what longed for, the equivalent of my
dad to put his arm around me. And I finally came
to the conclusion that something happened in
the war and he got a compound fracture and they
put it in a cast. And that's what he had. He
just couldn't do it. He was unable to literally
give love because he never addressed that. And
you know what? He never knew how. Can I tell
you, this isn't something that's just modern.
Or the shame of people that have been abused
or people that have abused others or all the
rest. At the heart is a sense of betrayal where
you have betrayed someone or you've betrayed
your conscience or you've betrayed God. And it's
not an accident that when you read John chapter
21, Peter shortly, the day of the resurrection,
Jesus did a quick one -on -one with him. And
he walked in a room with Peter and the disciples
there. And I'm sure he looked Peter in the eye.
Yes, you betrayed me. You did it publicly. You
were arrogant. And I think he got forgiveness,
but he didn't get restoration. He had this, oh,
I understand this up here, but my life's a mess.
I don't know what to do with my life. I don't
think I've got anything going for me anymore.
His shame was never dealt with. And then John,
Chapter 21. Jesus sets up a unique situation
to help Peter go from being simply forgiven to
be restored. Because here's the thing. You can't
forgive and connect with other people unless
you forgive and get restored yourself. So open
your Bibles to John chapter 21. And as you do,
let me give you the context. Jesus has appeared
now twice officially to all the disciples. They
were commanded to go wait for him in Galilee.
Think about it. It's familiar. It's safe. It's
the home to a number of the disciples. It's where
many of them were called. It's where they were
called into ministry to follow Jesus. Peter,
like many of us, is not very good at waiting.
We know from Luke 24 that he's had an encounter
with Jesus, and I can't imagine Jesus not forgiving
him in that moment. But he's still the leader
because he decides that, you know what, I don't
know what to do with my life, so this is what
we all do. I'm going to default back to what
I know. Under pressure, we all default back to
where we're comfortable and what we know. So
he basically says, I'm going to go fishing. And
the six other guys, well, if you're going, I
guess we'll go with you. We pick up the story,
John 21. Afterward, Jesus appeared again to his
disciples by the Sea of Tiberias. That's Galilee.
It happened in this way. Simon Peter, Thomas,
called Didymus, Nathaniel from Cana in Galilee,
the sons of Zebedee, James and John, and two
other disciples were together. I'm going to go
out and fish, Simon Peter told them. And they
said, we'll go with you. So they went out and
got into the boat, but that night they caught
nothing. Early in the morning, Jesus stood on
the shore, but the disciples did not realize
that it was him. He called out to them, friends,
have you any fish? Literally the word is lads
or children. It's a term of affection by someone
a bit older and a bit wiser. No, they answered.
He said, throw your net on the right side of
the boat and you will find nothing. When they
did, they were unable to haul in the net because
of the large number of fish. Then the disciple
whom Jesus loved, John, said to Peter, It is
the Lord. And as soon as Peter heard him say,
It is the Lord, he wrapped his outer garment
around him, for he had taken it off, and he jumped
into the water. And the other disciples followed
in the boat, pulling the full net of fish. For
they were not far from the shore, about 100 yards.
When they landed, they saw a fire of burning
coals with fish on it and some bread. Jesus said
to them, bring some of the fish that you've caught.
Simon Peter climbed aboard and dragged the net
ashore. It was full of large fish, 153. But even
with so many, the net did not break. Jesus said
to them, come, have breakfast. None of the disciples
dared to ask him, who are you? For they knew
it was the Lord. Jesus came, took the bread,
gave it to them, did the same with the fish.
This is now the third time Jesus appeared to
his disciples after he'd been raised from the
dead. Now notice, first of all, Peter has gone
back to where he's comfortable, dealing with
life the only way he knows how. Jesus picks an
opportune time and he's going to have a conversation.
Notice the conversation doesn't start with, hey,
let's go deep right now. Does anybody remember
when Peter was called, the experience that he
had as a fisherman? Remember he's sitting out
on that boat and Jesus used his boat to preach
a message. And after he preaches the message,
remember last time he had fished all night and
got nothing? And it was a time when you shouldn't
catch fish. And he said, just go out a little
bit and lower your net. Do you remember what
happened? It was overwhelmed, full with fish.
You think this is lost on Peter? This is like,
I've seen this movie before. This is when Jesus
called me to follow him. And then he pulled it.
And then remember what he did? He left his nets
and he followed him. Think it's an accident that
he's saying, Peter, unless you go back and relive.
part of the journey of when I called you and
who you were, then you're not going to be able
to reassess this new journey. So he does the
same thing. What's the message there? Hey, I
understand that Peter, and I understand the Peter
who betrayed me. And by the way, he didn't just,
this isn't a little betrayal. I mean, I think
in our culture, we think sexual sin is the worst
thing in the world. Betrayal is by far, far worse
than sexual sin. In fact, at the heart of sexual
sin, if you do it against your mate, it's not
the act of sexuality. It's the betrayal, isn't
it? It's the breaking of the covenant. It's the
dissing of the person. It's breaking the bond.
And it's not like Peter was just like, oh, you
know, I kind of don't know him. By the third
time, you know, the text is a little light. It's
blankety, blank, blank. I don't know that blank,
blank. That's what he said. He's cussing. He's
denying. I don't know him at all. And then Jesus
looks over. Remember, this is the guy in front
of his buddies. Hey, they all might desert you,
not me. Peter, I tell you, and Jesus predicted
it. I'm better, I'm stronger. I got your back,
Jesus. If I have to die, I'll die. I mean, he
had, right? It's one thing to betray someone.
It's a lot worse when you've been the one to
puff your chest out and say, everyone else might
betray you, but not me. And then you're the one
that goes down. Then do you remember where he
was when he betrayed Jesus? Remember, the text
says there was a, not just a fire, but a special
kind of fire. Notice the text talks about the
coals again. You know, when he was warming his
hands and that little servant girl asked him,
can you imagine? You know, some of us have done
some things we're not proud of. And, you know,
you can almost smell where you were and you can
remember certain things. There's an imprint,
like a little movie that's in your mind. And
Jesus is recreating. He's forcing him to go back
and face and engage where he'd been before, where
the pain was. Except instead of betrayal, what's
he doing? Come and have breakfast. I'm for you.
All the fear, all the arms crossed, all the sense
of shame, you don't measure up, you're a loser,
how could you betray me? It's not that, it's
let's eat some fish. It's conversation. And do
you remember, he did it in front of people, right?
He boasted in front of the disciples. Do you
understand what he's recreating here? You know,
now psychologists and people who do work with
PTSD and all this, they talk about the painful,
dramatic necessity of going back through part
of what you've been through and experiencing
the grace of God in the reliving of some of those
moments. And long before they were experts or
psychologists, Jesus is walking him back through
the very journey, but this time it's with grace.
This time it's with, I understand. This time,
yes, you're fallen. Yes, you betrayed me. And
yes, I love you. And it doesn't define you. But
he doesn't stop there. Because it's not enough
to relive the experience. Psychologists can do
that with us. Only God can do what happens next.
When they finished eating, notice, It's a special
time. It's a special place. It's recreated. Can
you imagine? Some of you don't have to imagine,
but can you imagine what's going on in Peter's
mind? I mean, he's reliving his calling. He's
reliving his betrayal. He's being treated in
a way that just is, it just, it's so foreign.
It's so unnatural. It's so what he doesn't deserve.
He's experiencing love and communication. And
then when they finished eating, Jesus said to
Peter, Simon, son of John, do you truly love
me more than these? Yes, Lord, he said, you know
I love you. Feed my lambs. Again, Jesus said,
Simon, son of John, do you truly love me? And
he answered, yes, Lord, you know I love you.
And Jesus said, you know, take care of my sheep.
The third time he said to him, Simon, son of
John, do you love me? And Peter was hurt because
he asked him a third time, do you love me? And
he said, Lord, you know all things. You know
that I love you. And Jesus said, feed my sheep.
And then he goes on to tell him, I tell you the
truth, that when you were younger, you dressed
yourself, you went where you wanted, but when
you were old, you will stretch out your hands
and someone else will dress you and lead you
where you do not want to go. And Jesus said this
to indicate the kind of death in which Peter
would glorify God. Then don't miss the next line.
Then he said to him, follow me. Remember the
last time he said, follow me? Peter, you're back
on the team. Peter, you're not just forgiven.
I have a purpose for you. You can't wallow in
your betrayal. You just can't live with the nightmares.
You can't make a little compartment and somehow
go back to fishing and just try and be a nice
person. I called you. You messed up. This was
traumatic. It was difficult. We're going to relive
it. We're going to go back in the past. And then
how many times did he deny him? How many questions
does he get? I mean, you think it's accidental?
Now, scholars will tell you, and many of you
probably heard messages, it's interesting. The
first two times he says, do you agape me? Do
you agape me? Unconditional, I mean, full court
press, love me unconditionally. And Peter answers,
you know the facts. I love you. Do you love me?
And you know, the way you claim to be agape?
Peter answers, you know the facts. And finally,
Jesus changes it. Do you phileo me? Do you love
me like family? You know, when you love like
family, you mess up in families, don't you? Families
are where it's safe to mess up. Families are
where we accept that one another are human. He
says, do you love me like a brother? And like
brothers and sisters and families, we're going
to give it our best shot, and there's going to
be times where we let one another down. But when
we do as families, you come and you own your
stuff, and you say, I'm so sorry, and it's not
an end to it. And Peter, interestingly, changes.
And he says, you know, Gnosko, you know by way
of experience. You look into my heart. You know
my journey. And he said, he started first with,
well, feed my lambs. There's a little responsibility
you could take. I want you to be, are you ready?
I want you to be tender with, what's a lamb?
It's vulnerable. Peter, I want you, you know,
remember Peter is, you know, he's the, hey, everyone
else will, but I'm, remember, I'll walk out on
the water. I mean, this is the fiery type A,
I can make it happen. And he's broken. And so
his first assignment is, I want you, because
of what you've now experienced, I want you to
be vulnerable and tender with people that are
vulnerable, lambs. I want you to feed them. Second
time, I want you to take care of my sheep. It's
leadership. I want you to be responsible. And
then finally, I want you to feed my sheep. I
want you to be the kind of leader that I called
you in the very beginning and that these six
men that are around this fire are looking you
to be. And I want you to follow me with your
head up. Because you're not only forgiven, you're
restored. And that broken betrayer had to relive
his moment, the worst moment of his life. But
he received both truth and grace. And it brought
healing inside. And that's what some of you need.
Because if you don't, that wall, you get so used
to it, but your wife or your husband, they feel
it. They're like, they keep trying to knock on
the outside and get in and get in and get in.
And you're almost oblivious. You won't let them
in. And you won't let them in because maybe you've
accepted God's forgiveness, but you just feel
like this imprint, this shame, this picture,
this experience, it defines you. It doesn't.
You've got to go back through that, and you've
got to do it in the presence of Jesus. Notice
in your notes the principles. Three principles
flow out of this passage for us. The first one
is Jesus meets us where we are. And the unspoken
lie is somehow if you can be or do or have something
different, then God will accept you somehow,
some way. I don't know where you're at. I don't
know how broken, how much denial. I don't know
how numb. I don't know how you're compensating.
But Jesus says, I want to meet you today just
right where you're at. Second thing that comes
out of this passage is he gently demands that
we face the truth about ourselves. Did you notice?
I mean, he was as gentle and he had a meal and
he reminded him. But did you notice? It wasn't
words of condemnation. They were questions of
discovery. Do you love me? I mean, you said you
did before, right? Do you love me? He kept asking
questions, so Peter had to go from denial to
well to yes to, you know what, I'm going to own
this happened in my life. And he faced it. I
had a conversation last night with a person that
has walled off in his words. He goes, I don't
feel anything. I'm numb, and he told me. about
his life and why, and I just said, I can completely
understand why you're numb. The wife just feels
like she's just, I mean, huge wall, can't get
in. But I told him, because I could tell he was
stuck, and I didn't know what to say. I said,
you know what? You need to keep going to that
counselor, but you need to invite your wife in.
I would never want her to hear any of the kind
of things that I saw or I went through. And I
said, you know, maybe I'll let her decide that.
But you know what she's feeling? She's feeling
like she can't get in your life. And maybe you
say, I'm going to invite you to go to the counselor,
but I'm going to share some things that are pretty
graphic. They're the source of my nightmares.
They're the source of my guilt. They're the source
of my shame. And you can leave any time, but
I don't want to continue to try and work this
out just by myself. And I ask him, I call it
the Dr. Phil question, because he had lots of
good reasons why he wouldn't want to share those
things, just like my dad had lots of good reasons
why he rarely, if ever, except for twice, shared
those things. And I just ask him, well, how's
that working for you? How's that working for
you? How's that working for your marriage? How's
that working for your wife? Now, please, I'm
not trying to say by any sense of authority other
than what I can tell you after pastoring people
for about 35 years is that if you stay numb,
if you keep compensating for it, Or if you keep
denying and blaming, your soul is going to die
and you will ruin every relationship that matters.
So as painful and as ugly and as difficult as
it is to engage and allow God to help you see
both the truth but in the context of grace, that's
where healing's gonna come. This man, changed
the course of all history. And he sinned more
greatly against our God than anyone. Because
part of the culpability of sin is the amount
of truth and the knowledge that you have. No
one saw more miracles than Peter. No one had
more private conversations. No one saw more people
raised from the dead. No one saw the amount of
transfiguration. He betrayed, but he betrayed
and he had a level of knowledge. The most horrendous
sin against the Son of Man was committed by Peter,
save possibly Judas. And God made him live it
again and not only forgive him, but restore him.
And then in that brokenness, I'm guessing conversations
that you'd have with Peter when you were struggling
with something after this event and for the next
several decades, I bet he was a pretty tender
guy. I bet he was a pretty understanding guy.
I bet he was a pretty compassionate guy. I bet
he was a way, way more humble guy. And I'm imagining
there was a church that was built around his
vision and passion to the Jews like Paul was
to the Gentiles that changed the course of the
world because he didn't just get forgiven. He
got restored. The third principle that comes
out of this is that he affirms, Jesus affirms
our value and our worthiness by commissioning
us to service. It's one thing to hear words.
It's, I want to use you. He wants to use you.
your horrendous difficulty, experience, betrayal,
sin, a lie that you committed, a crime that no
one knows about. I always wish sometimes, especially
in church, when people, you know, they look so
cleaned up on the outside, you know? And I get
to know them all through the week and I would
just love like their top five sins without their
names, like have this huge board behind me and
like, and all of our sins go up in multi -colors.
Wouldn't that be cool? And then maybe have, you
know how they do those visuals where maybe like
red would come over and it would be the blood
of Christ and the cross would emerge and it would
just go down through and cover them. And then
we would look at each other and say, I guess
we don't have to pretend anymore. I guess we
can just be ourselves. I guess we're all now
saints, children of God. forgiven with wounds
and scars and pain and difficulty and brokenness?
And what if God actually causes his power to
be perfected out of our brokenness and out of
our hurt and out of our failure? Because that's
where he takes us and puts us on the mantle of
his grace. Practical implications, and this gets
to your marriage. is that you can't forgive your
mate until you've received both forgiveness and
restoration. There's something I don't know about
the human psyche. When you got unresolved issues
in you, when it's, you know, the classic parable,
you know, the log in your eye, the speck, right?
Man, it is amazing. When we have stuff inside,
It is so easy to see in someone else. And the
person that lives close to you, right? You nag
and she does that and he does that and he's like
that. A lot of our anger and a lot of that outward
focus is because of the big log that we don't
deal with. And you would be shocked at what would
happen if you received both God's forgiveness
and his restoration of how that would allow you.
Remember what Jesus said to the disciples? Freely
you've received, freely give. But see, if you
haven't deeply and fully received, you're pretty
judgmental. You're pretty high on the truth and
the judgmental instead of the mercy. I don't
know if you pray the Lord's Prayer. I pray often
when I wake up, I kind of go through Psalm 23
before I get out of bed and I ponder what that
is. And then I kind of phrase by phrase often
as I lay there, because I want to, before I get
bombarded in email or thoughts or problems, I
want to, our Father, God, you're my Father today.
You're in heaven. You're a sovereign God. Holy
God, I want your name to be cherished in my mind,
in my thoughts. Give me this day what I need,
not just physically, but the daily bread of truth
and everything. Forgive me of my sins, please,
today, as I forgive those who trespass against
me. Lord, please, you know the meetings, you
know the places. Guard me and lead me away from
temptation. And I pray through that. But you
know what's one of the big prayers? You're going
to forgive as you have been forgiven. You know,
for some of you, the reason you're so critical
and you can't resolve conflict in your marriage
is you got stuff. You're holding on to all kind
of stuff. You must learn to receive and grant
forgiveness. as a regular rhythm of your life.
And if you'll turn on the back of your notes,
I want to give you a tool, Ephesians 4, 32. You'll
need to look that up. I highly encourage you
to memorize it. But be kind to one another, tenderhearted,
forgiving one another also, just as Christ forgave
you. Be kind. Here's the key, tenderhearted.
forgiving each other. How? Just as Christ has
forgiven you. You know how he forgave you? Exactly
the same way he forgave Peter. And until that
happens, you will not release and forgive your
mate. Dealing with your own guilt and shame under
practical steps, number four, it says, what do
you need to do to take... fully forgive your
mate and put the past behind you, you can write
this under here, is deal with your own guilt
and shame. I don't know what that looks like.
And it might be a tough journey. In many cases,
it'll require some professional help. Second
is experience God's forgiveness and restoration.
Only you know where you're at on that. And then
as you do that, freely give what you've received.
The reason I don't want to forgive my wife or
anyone, is I feel like if I forgive them, I'm
letting them off the hook and I want them to
pay for what they did to me. At the heart of
the lack of forgiveness is vengeance. And God
says, vengeance is mine. I will repay, says the
Lord. If your enemy's hungry, feed him. If he's
thirsty, give him a drink. Do not be overcome
with evil, but overcome evil with good. That's
the end of Romans 12. And when you can realize,
oh, ask. Has God given you what you deserve?
And you think, oh no, he's been merciful. Then
you can't turn around and do anything but give
mercy first to your mate and others what they
don't deserve. The whole book of 1 John is whatever
is true vertical, if it's not true horizontal,
then it's really not true vertically. You say
you love God and hate your neighbor, you're a
liar and the truth isn't in you. Let me give
you a very specific game plan to take next steps.
Notice where it says, is there an issue you need
to defuse? Because this is unpacking something.
So this is a D -E -F -U -S -E. And I'm going
to give you just a little acronym. We've talked
about the truth. We've talked about the grace.
We've talked about you reentering this. I just
want to give you a little step -by -step plan
that you say, okay, Lord, this is going to be
hard. It's going to be painful. I'm going to
have to address some issues. I'll need help.
I'm going to go through this with my mate because
I'm not going to let either what I've seen or
what I've done in the past define me any longer.
and I will not allow it to ruin my marriage.
And by the way, as a child of a World War II
vet who never dealt with this, I got news for
you, man. I was one messed up guy for a long
time. And despite as much I came to Christ as
a young adult, and as much as I worked really
hard and renewed my mind, I've had some very
significant conversations, especially with my
older boys. who said, hey, Dad, I'm glad you
made a lot of progress, but I got news for you,
Dad. You passed on a lot of that stuff, that
bad stuff that your dad, that he didn't deal
with, some of your wounds, you passed on to us.
And we've had some very honest conversations.
There's a lot on the line, people. There's a
lot on the line. There's no little boxes that
get hidden. No more numbness. No more saying,
I'm not going to engage. I'm not going to let
my maid in. Oh, I don't want to go to a counselor.
I don't want to deal with this. It's too painful.
I'm just going to bury it. Stop it. The God of
grace brought you here to re -engage in the most
painful things in your life. And it will be the
salve of both truth and looking at things and
facing them honestly. And receiving grace at
the same time that's the heart behind a new beginning.
Here's how you do it. D -Fuse. The D stands for
define the issue clearly. I don't know what yours
is. Could have been an event. Could be something
you did. Could be a lie. I don't know what it
is. But I'm going to take a wild guess that a
lot of you are not thinking, oh gosh, I wonder
what that is. I'm thinking it's coming to your
mind. The E, enter the pain and hurt. Just decide,
you know. No more denial. No more blaming. No
more criticizing. No, I don't need that help.
All that psychology, that counseling stuff. No,
no, no, no. I'm going to enter the pain. I'm
going to enter the hurt. I'm going to go back
to where the coal was burning when it happened.
I'm going to go back to when I was called, and
I'm going to go right through that, but this
time I'm going to go through it with a God who
loves me, who's paid for it, who cares for me,
and he's going to give me grace. The F. is ask
for forgiveness if you haven't. I'm amazed at
the number of people I meet who have things,
and some of it is like, I got thrown into a situation.
I feel overwhelmingly guilty. I needed to do,
I had to do what I did, and yet I feel overwhelmingly
guilty. Well, just take it to God and say, I
didn't sign up for this or this or that, but
let's just get it clear. Just forgive me and
cleanse me. David prayed that. He said, God,
forgive me for the stuff that I don't even know
about, even for presumptuous sin or stuff in
my heart. Just once and for all, draw a line
in the sand and ask God to help you and forgive
you for anything done or anything done to you
or any shame that you feel or any acts or acts
of omission. And then, The you is understand
the process. I think people get very confused
about forgiveness, whether it's forgiving someone
else or even at times how God forgives us. There's
three phases to forgiveness. There's three tenses
of the verb. When I'm going to forgive someone,
it's a choice. By the way, it was a choice. Jesus
chose to forgive you. It was an event. When he
died on the cross, he forgave you. God spared
not his own son, but delivered him up for us
all. He forgave you when he died on the cross.
For God so loved the world, he gave his one and
only son, that whosoever would believe in him
might not perish, but have eternal life. 1 John
says he died for us, not only for us, but for
false prophets. He's died for all people of all
time. The only question is, will you receive
it? So forgiveness is, say my wife does something,
hurts me very deeply, I choose to forgive her.
That's phase one. Phase two is a process, forgiving.
Some of you have been betrayed or hurt or had
horrendous things happen or been abused and you
forgive, but then there's a flash or there's
a song or there's an event and it stirs up the
emotions and it feels like the scab gets pulled
off and the anger flares up and you feel like,
well, maybe I haven't forgiven him. No, no, no,
no. You're in the process. So once you choose
to forgive, then you start to pray for the person
who hurt you. It says, bless those, remember
Jesus? What do you do with your enemies? Bless
those. who persecute you. Bless and curse not,
Romans 12. If your enemy hurts you, pray for
him. All I can tell you is it will release your
anger and free you. I've been betrayed most painfully
in ministry situations. Won't go into any of
the details, but some of you would understand
when you're so livid. You could do some things
to a person because it's so unfair and so bad
that you would regret the rest of your life.
I've been there. And I don't want to forgive.
In fact, for a few weeks, I refused to forgive.
I'm not letting them off the hook. And then I
came to the realization, so would you like me
to not let you off the hook? No? Well, then read
the Lord's Prayer a little more carefully, Chip.
Because if you don't forgive them, I don't forgive
you. Okay, so it's a choice. By the way, you
don't have to feel it. You choose it. I choose.
I would write it down. Here's the date. Well,
then my emotions, forgiveness is an act of the
will, but your emotions are a process. And so
then I begin to pray for this person. Lord, help
him see what a jerk he is. Lord, I pray that
you'd help him to see what he did, how bad it
was, and that he would publicly say it and come
back and apologize to me. Those were my early
prayers. And the Lord said, well, that's really
not the blessing that I have in mind. And reluctantly,
I'm talking a two -year process. And so now I'm,
Lord, would you bless his marriage? Okay, would
you bless his marriage? Would you help his children?
He happened to be someone that was in ministry.
Lord, oh gosh, this is painful. Would you bless
the work of his hands? would you cause good to
come to him? And all I can tell you is every
time I took the Lord's Supper, I made a vow,
and I don't make many vows at all before God.
I will never take the Lord's Supper until I go
through again the process of blessing and calling
down your goodness upon this person who did this
to me. And little by little by little, you know
what changed? My emotions. And then it was about
a year in, someone came and just was from another
town and visited this person and said, oh, hey,
did you hear about so -and -so? And told me something
good about him. So being the semi -hypocritical
pastor that I am, I smiled and said, oh, wow,
that's great. My insides were, that is such a
bummer. God is answering my prayer. Down deep,
I don't want him to answer my prayer. I want
him to get what he deserves. See, I still had
the payback. So I'm forgive choice. Forgiving
is the emotional journey. I kept praying. Every
Lord's Supper and every time he came to mind
or, you know, when I'd have a, I call it a flashback.
I mean, I had anger fantasies. I had images of
different things I was going to do to embarrass
him and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You
know, and every time this would come, I would
start praying for him. And it was about right
around two years, someone came in again, had
visited where he was ministering and said something
good about him and what the blessing of God on
his life and how well something was going. And
before I could even think, my immediate reaction
was joy. I was grateful. Phase one, forgive,
willful choice, an event on a certain day and
time. Phase two, forgiving, a process and a journey.
Every time your emotions go up and down, when
you feel anger and the things come back up. Phase
three, forgiven. You actually can rejoice that
the person who hurt you is doing well. Because
ultimately, isn't that what God wants for everyone?
Restoration. Some of you need to remember that's
how it works with you. So you've asked God to
forgive you and you have emotional times where
you feel overwhelmed and guilty and you still
struggle. Guess what? Then you just reverse it.
And so God, thank you. Thank you that you forgive
me. Thank you as far as the East is from the
West. I may be bringing this up in my mind, but
it's not in your mind. And you sow gratitude
and you pray and you ask. And so you begin to
do for yourself exactly what we do with someone
who would hurt you. And so D is define it clearly.
E is enter the pain and the hurt. F is ask forgiveness.
F is just forgive. U is understand the process.
And then now we shift to... our horizontal relationships.
The S is set things right between you. Okay,
now this was a lot of personal work up to now.
Some of you have issues in your relationship
that are unresolved and you have not forgiven
your husband or you've not forgiven your mate.
Okay? Now a lot of it has to do with all this,
but here's the S. Set things right between you.
Own your responsibility. If I told you how many
times in my mind, yes, we have a disagreement,
we have a problem, but it's 90 % Teresa's fault
and 10 % mine. And when she changes, then things
will be fine. There's a lot of things, right?
Matthew 5, 23 and 24 says, if therefore you come,
before the altar to give your offering. And there
remember, your brother has something against
you. Leave your offering at the altar. First
go and be reconciled to your brother. Then return
and make your offering. In other words, being
right is far less important than a right relationship.
If you're convinced that it's 90 % his fault
and 10 % yours, and you know there's a conflict,
You go and own your 10%. Honey, I am so sorry
that when you did this, I responded in this way.
You go own your 10 % because it causes the beginning
to start. So you own your part. And then are
you ready? This is a bit odd. Confess. These
are, I was wrong. When's the last time your mate
heard that? I want to own my part. I was wrong.
And the third phase, will you forgive me? And
here's the response. The response is not your
eyes going to the left or the right, your eyes
looking down, your eyes wondering. Here's the
response. You look them right in the eye and
you say, yes, I forgive you. And it's a choice.
And it may take your emotions a while to process
that. But you set things right. You own your
responsibility. You confess I was wrong. You
ask for forgiveness. And then the E is establish
a specific game plan of action to move forward.
Okay, one of the other questions was, it just
described how Teresa and I spent the first few
years of our marriage. Big disagreement, you
have an argument, and then you don't say anything
for two or three or four days, and then you just
pretend it didn't happen. And then you move on.
And you know what you do? You just plant little
seeds and you push them down into your soul.
And it builds what's called a root of bitterness.
And then you don't say anything, but the last
thing in the world you ever want to do is make
love with that person. Because your heart is
getting hard. And you go through the motions.
But your emotions, you know, the tenderness,
the connection, the joy. Because, you know what?
Think of thin little layers. Unresolved conflict.
Thin little layer of resentment. Thin little
layer. Thin little layer. Thin little layer.
Thin little layer. You don't forgive. You don't
set things right. Thin little layer. You know
what it's called? Calcification. And then pretty
soon, you know, Jesus said there's only one reason
why people get a divorce according to Jesus.
Moses gave the certificate of divorce because
of the hardness of your heart. This topic on
the front of your notes, if you turn it over,
it says four biblical practices great marriages
have in common. And we've talked about serving
and planning. We've talked about connecting,
forgiving, and notice why? It's restoring your
peace. You don't have peace when there's unresolved
conflict in your heart towards your mate. And
you don't have peace when there's unresolved
conflict with you and God. And you don't have
peace when you have unresolved conflict in your
own life. And so all those things come together.
Great marriages practice forgiving in a rhythm.
You practice it with you and your father. You
practice it in your own journey, in your own
heart and life. And you practice it with your
mate. I'd like you to think about just in your
marriage relationship, is there anything that
you need to make right with your mate? Just pause
quietly. And if not, great. Just say, Lord, is
there anything I just need to tell her or tell
him? I'm sorry. I was wrong. It could be little.
It could be big. If it's a super heavy, heavy
thing, get some counsel before you talk with
your mate. Dropping bombs without a game plan
is not a good plan. Lord, thank you that you
will heal everything in our hearts personally
and in our marriages. Lord, together we covenant
before you to have marriages that reflect Jesus
and the church. We're asking you now for the
courage to face hard things. We ask for the faith
to believe that you love us as much as you do.
And God, we ask for the grace to treat our mates
the way that you've treated us. This is Living
on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and we're in our
series called Choosing Love. If you're ready
to turn today's challenge into lasting change,
Chip's newest book, I Choose Love, gives you
the practical roadmap you need. It doesn't just
tell you what to do. It shows you how to do it.
You'll learn to recognize the subtle ways pride
and selfishness sabotage your relationships.
You'll discover practical exercises to develop
genuine humility. And you'll see how choosing
agape love, the sacrificial, others -focused
love of God, transforms even your most difficult
relationships. I Choose Love addresses the real
issues we all face. The tendency to need the
last word. The subtle belief that our perspective
is the truth. The grandiosity that shows up in
small ways like chronic lateness. Chip gets brutally
honest about his own struggles, and he shows
you the path forward. If you're tired of broken
relationships and ready to experience love that
actually works, get your copy of I Choose Love
today. Visit livingontheedge .org. And friend,
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wraps up today's episode. Don't miss the next
Bible teaching message coming up here on the
Chip Ingram Sermon Podcast. Today's program is
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