WEBVTT 00:00:00.900 --> 00:00:04.559 This is the Chip Ingram Sermon Podcast, brought 00:00:04.559 --> 00:00:07.719 to you by Living on the Edge. In this podcast, 00:00:07.980 --> 00:00:10.539 you'll hear Chip's teaching unedited and from 00:00:10.539 --> 00:00:13.800 beginning to end. Well, now here's Chip with 00:00:13.800 --> 00:00:16.640 today's message, Connecting, How to Multiply 00:00:16.640 --> 00:00:19.140 Your Joy. Let me give you two quick pictures. 00:00:20.160 --> 00:00:23.519 I'm driving in the car with my wife. I've been, 00:00:23.600 --> 00:00:26.019 in my case, I travel quite a bit. So this last 00:00:26.019 --> 00:00:28.600 year, I think. In about 14 months, I was in China 00:00:28.600 --> 00:00:31.079 three times and in the Middle East and then some 00:00:31.079 --> 00:00:34.539 domestic travel. And you all probably understand 00:00:34.539 --> 00:00:37.280 this more than others. And I come home and she's 00:00:37.280 --> 00:00:39.380 had a busy life and I've had a busy life and 00:00:39.380 --> 00:00:41.859 I've really missed her and she's missed me. And 00:00:41.859 --> 00:00:46.280 then I come home and it's weird. Okay? I don't 00:00:46.280 --> 00:00:48.799 know how to say it. It's just weird. I love her. 00:00:48.899 --> 00:00:51.460 She loves me. We told each other for like two 00:00:51.460 --> 00:00:53.439 weeks how much we miss each other. And then I 00:00:53.439 --> 00:00:56.619 come home and it's like... So how did it go, 00:00:56.740 --> 00:01:01.539 and how do you tell someone what happened over 00:01:01.539 --> 00:01:04.400 the last two weeks and where you were, and then 00:01:04.400 --> 00:01:08.120 you're trying to catch up, and she starts telling 00:01:08.120 --> 00:01:10.640 me about which grandkids came over and what they 00:01:10.640 --> 00:01:14.120 did and something, and you sort of try, but it's 00:01:14.120 --> 00:01:16.640 just, the word I use is you just don't connect. 00:01:17.219 --> 00:01:21.140 Anybody get that? And you're not mad at each 00:01:21.140 --> 00:01:25.849 other, but you so want to be connected, But you're 00:01:25.849 --> 00:01:31.930 not. And so you try to have a conversation. And 00:01:31.930 --> 00:01:34.189 me, I'm going to go like deep, fast, let's get 00:01:34.189 --> 00:01:38.030 connected now. And this will be a shock, but 00:01:38.030 --> 00:01:41.709 it doesn't work. And so we've had to learn different 00:01:41.709 --> 00:01:44.849 ways to sort of ease into when one of us has 00:01:44.849 --> 00:01:51.230 been away and reconnect. Little moment is I've 00:01:51.230 --> 00:01:53.870 had times where they really, really small. She's 00:01:53.870 --> 00:01:55.450 not done anything wrong, but a little something 00:01:55.450 --> 00:01:57.150 irritated me that I didn't say anything about 00:01:57.150 --> 00:01:59.349 where I did to her. And then there was another 00:01:59.349 --> 00:02:01.489 little something and then it wasn't big enough 00:02:01.489 --> 00:02:03.969 to bring up. And there's been times where I have 00:02:03.969 --> 00:02:06.230 been driving in the car and she's been sitting 00:02:06.230 --> 00:02:08.710 right there and we're kind of talking, but I 00:02:08.710 --> 00:02:11.830 feel disconnected. Like, and I, and I feel like 00:02:11.830 --> 00:02:15.009 I don't really want. to talk, which scares me 00:02:15.009 --> 00:02:16.990 because I know that's not, those are beginning 00:02:16.990 --> 00:02:19.110 signs of not good things, right? When you're 00:02:19.110 --> 00:02:21.110 doing this instead of when you're doing that. 00:02:21.590 --> 00:02:26.469 And so the question is, how do you get connected 00:02:26.469 --> 00:02:29.370 and how do you stay connected? Because we're 00:02:29.370 --> 00:02:32.129 talking about four biblical practices that great 00:02:32.129 --> 00:02:35.169 marriages have in common. Biblical practice number 00:02:35.169 --> 00:02:39.229 one is you, with full court press, serve your 00:02:39.229 --> 00:02:43.789 mate. John 13. You humble yourself, find your 00:02:43.789 --> 00:02:45.949 security in Christ, and you serve your mate. 00:02:46.050 --> 00:02:49.710 The second biblical practice is about hope, and 00:02:49.710 --> 00:02:52.569 you plan. You plan little times during the week, 00:02:52.650 --> 00:02:55.289 little times for the month, bigger five and 10 00:02:55.289 --> 00:02:58.789 years. You plan. God can change your plans, but 00:02:58.789 --> 00:03:01.789 there's hope. This is where we're headed. This 00:03:01.789 --> 00:03:04.129 is what we're gonna do. This is what we feel 00:03:04.129 --> 00:03:06.750 called by God. Here's how we're going to build 00:03:06.750 --> 00:03:09.569 our relationship. And the third thing that you 00:03:09.569 --> 00:03:14.490 see, is connecting. Great marriages connect. 00:03:14.870 --> 00:03:17.689 And it's interesting to me that when Jesus with 00:03:17.689 --> 00:03:21.590 his bride, he serves John 13, then he gives them 00:03:21.590 --> 00:03:24.409 the plan of heaven and then what's going to happen 00:03:24.409 --> 00:03:27.629 until he comes back for us or until we go to 00:03:27.629 --> 00:03:30.729 be with him. And then in John chapter 15, he 00:03:30.729 --> 00:03:34.270 asks and answers this question. I'm leaving and 00:03:34.270 --> 00:03:36.409 you're not going to see me. How do we stay connected? 00:03:37.360 --> 00:03:39.879 How do we stay connected? How do we keep our 00:03:39.879 --> 00:03:42.639 love flowing back and forth? How do you hear 00:03:42.639 --> 00:03:44.979 my voice when I'm not here physically anymore? 00:03:45.199 --> 00:03:47.340 How do you get direction from me when I'm not 00:03:47.340 --> 00:03:49.400 here physically anymore? How are you gonna feel 00:03:49.400 --> 00:03:51.539 my love and experience my love? Because I'm not 00:03:51.539 --> 00:03:54.020 here physically anymore. And the answer to that 00:03:54.020 --> 00:03:57.340 is in John chapter 15. So open your Bible, if 00:03:57.340 --> 00:03:59.699 you will. The supper is over. They've sung a 00:03:59.699 --> 00:04:04.000 hymn. And as they've gone out, they are passing 00:04:04.000 --> 00:04:08.050 through a garden. And in John 15, he takes the 00:04:08.050 --> 00:04:11.810 opportunity to give them a very clear picture 00:04:11.810 --> 00:04:16.750 from their day about a vine and a branch. And 00:04:16.750 --> 00:04:19.990 he gives them this metaphor. And the entire purpose 00:04:19.990 --> 00:04:24.449 is to teach them. This is how our hearts are 00:04:24.449 --> 00:04:28.009 going to stay connected, even though, quote, 00:04:28.089 --> 00:04:32.189 geographically, God the Son and his resurrected 00:04:32.189 --> 00:04:34.029 body will be at the right hand of the Father. 00:04:34.680 --> 00:04:37.199 And all these disciples and all those will come 00:04:37.199 --> 00:04:39.139 after him, including us in the body of Christ, 00:04:39.300 --> 00:04:42.500 will be here on earth. And so this is what he 00:04:42.500 --> 00:04:45.860 says to them and what he says to us. I am the 00:04:45.860 --> 00:04:49.620 true vine and my father is the vine dresser. 00:04:50.120 --> 00:04:52.220 Every branch in me that does not bear fruit, 00:04:52.379 --> 00:04:55.720 he takes away. Literally, it's he lifts up. And 00:04:55.720 --> 00:04:58.779 every branch that bears fruit, he prunes it so 00:04:58.779 --> 00:05:01.699 that it bear more fruit. You are already clean 00:05:01.699 --> 00:05:03.540 because of the word which I've spoken to you. 00:05:04.769 --> 00:05:08.910 Command, abide in me. It means continue in, stay 00:05:08.910 --> 00:05:13.750 connected to me and I in you. As the branch cannot 00:05:13.750 --> 00:05:16.170 bear fruit unless it abides in the vine, stays 00:05:16.170 --> 00:05:18.730 connected, so neither can you unless you abide 00:05:18.730 --> 00:05:22.610 in me. Repetition, I am the vine, you are the 00:05:22.610 --> 00:05:25.889 branches. He who abides in me and I in him, notice 00:05:25.889 --> 00:05:29.889 two -way street, he bears much fruit. Why? For 00:05:29.889 --> 00:05:35.300 a part from me, you can do nothing. If anyone 00:05:35.300 --> 00:05:38.000 does not abide in me, he's thrown away as a branch 00:05:38.000 --> 00:05:40.759 and dries up and they gather them, cast them 00:05:40.759 --> 00:05:43.579 into the fire and they're burned. By contrast, 00:05:43.639 --> 00:05:46.879 if you abide in me and my words abide in you, 00:05:47.019 --> 00:05:50.220 you can ask whatever you wish and it will be 00:05:50.220 --> 00:05:54.540 done for you. Verse eight, my father is glorified 00:05:54.540 --> 00:05:57.339 by this that you bear not just fruit, much fruit. 00:05:58.079 --> 00:06:01.120 And so prove or demonstrate that you're my disciples. 00:06:01.719 --> 00:06:04.699 Just as the Father has loved me, I have also 00:06:04.699 --> 00:06:09.240 loved you. Abide in my love. Well, how? Well, 00:06:09.259 --> 00:06:11.000 if you keep my commandments, you will abide in 00:06:11.000 --> 00:06:13.259 my love, just as I kept my Father's commandments 00:06:13.259 --> 00:06:17.180 and abide in his love. Purpose clause. Why are 00:06:17.180 --> 00:06:20.459 you telling this whole story about vines and 00:06:20.459 --> 00:06:23.920 branches and abiding? Answer, these things I've 00:06:23.920 --> 00:06:27.540 spoken to you so that my joy may be in you and 00:06:27.540 --> 00:06:31.189 that your joy may be made full. This is my commandment, 00:06:31.189 --> 00:06:34.769 that you love one another. How? Just as I loved 00:06:34.769 --> 00:06:37.449 you. Greater love has no one than this, that 00:06:37.449 --> 00:06:39.949 one lay down his life for his friends. You are 00:06:39.949 --> 00:06:42.509 my friends if you do what I command. And then 00:06:42.509 --> 00:06:46.370 this is an amazing, amazing passage. No longer 00:06:46.370 --> 00:06:49.649 do I call you slaves, for a slave does not know 00:06:49.649 --> 00:06:52.610 what his master is doing. But I have called you 00:06:52.610 --> 00:06:55.569 friends for all things I've heard from my father 00:06:55.569 --> 00:06:58.769 I've made known to you. You did not choose me, 00:06:58.790 --> 00:07:01.490 but I chose you, and I appointed you that you 00:07:01.490 --> 00:07:04.250 should go and bear fruit, and your fruit should 00:07:04.250 --> 00:07:07.050 remain, that whatever you ask of the Father in 00:07:07.050 --> 00:07:10.709 my name, he may give to you. And just in case 00:07:10.709 --> 00:07:13.889 you missed the core of this, this I command you, 00:07:13.990 --> 00:07:18.910 that you love one another. Now, we could spend 00:07:18.910 --> 00:07:21.750 an awful lot of time on this passage, and I have 00:07:21.750 --> 00:07:24.629 in the past, and we have a series talking about 00:07:24.629 --> 00:07:27.470 Jesus unfiltered, where we go through every chapter 00:07:27.470 --> 00:07:29.850 of John, but let me just give the highlights 00:07:29.850 --> 00:07:33.490 of what this passage teaches. Number one, Jesus 00:07:33.490 --> 00:07:36.509 is the true vine and we are the branches, okay? 00:07:37.889 --> 00:07:40.550 First of all, in other words, I'm the true vine. 00:07:40.629 --> 00:07:46.050 I'm the source of life. I give life. My father 00:07:46.050 --> 00:07:49.170 is sovereignly orchestrating the vine dresser. 00:07:50.319 --> 00:07:53.519 The Father positions and prunes us for fruitfulness. 00:07:53.899 --> 00:07:56.660 That little word take away, if you know anything 00:07:56.660 --> 00:07:59.699 in Napa, they have a lot of vines. And when I 00:07:59.699 --> 00:08:02.060 studied this, I did a lot of research about how 00:08:02.060 --> 00:08:05.060 they do it. And if a vine gets on the ground 00:08:05.060 --> 00:08:07.040 and it's not producing any fruit, what they do 00:08:07.040 --> 00:08:09.339 is they have a little pitchfork type thing and 00:08:09.339 --> 00:08:12.720 they lift it up and they reposition it so it 00:08:12.720 --> 00:08:15.779 can bear fruit. Other times you get too much 00:08:15.779 --> 00:08:18.699 growth and the energy doesn't go into the fruit 00:08:18.699 --> 00:08:21.660 and so they prune it. And it looks pretty painful, 00:08:21.759 --> 00:08:25.420 but it produces a lot of great fruit. Jesus is 00:08:25.420 --> 00:08:28.540 the vine, but God the Father is sovereignly orchestrating, 00:08:28.579 --> 00:08:31.519 positioning, and sometimes repositioning our 00:08:31.519 --> 00:08:34.279 life. Sometimes it feels kind of painful, but 00:08:34.279 --> 00:08:38.220 the whole goal is to produce fruit. And the fruit 00:08:38.220 --> 00:08:39.919 I think he's talking about here is primarily 00:08:39.919 --> 00:08:43.220 first and foremost character. You know, how many 00:08:43.220 --> 00:08:45.830 times did the word love come here? Right? You 00:08:45.830 --> 00:08:48.529 abide, you bear much fruit. Keep my commandments. 00:08:48.750 --> 00:08:51.610 Abide in my love as I kept my father's commandments. 00:08:51.850 --> 00:08:54.809 Abide in his love. He's talking about the very 00:08:54.809 --> 00:08:59.190 life of Christ being formed in you. You do understand 00:08:59.190 --> 00:09:03.370 that's the agenda. Jesus didn't come and die 00:09:03.370 --> 00:09:05.509 upon the cross and raise from the dead to make 00:09:05.509 --> 00:09:07.950 you a little bit better moral person who goes 00:09:07.950 --> 00:09:10.309 to religious services and hears someone talk 00:09:10.309 --> 00:09:12.870 once a week and sing a few songs. That is not 00:09:12.870 --> 00:09:18.350 the agenda. Okay? There's a role for that. Jesus... 00:09:19.240 --> 00:09:22.740 came because you were lost and far from God in 00:09:22.740 --> 00:09:25.279 and of yourself and he paid the price for your 00:09:25.279 --> 00:09:28.159 sin and then he rose from the dead and he offers 00:09:28.159 --> 00:09:30.960 as a free gift. He paid for the sins of the whole 00:09:30.960 --> 00:09:33.679 world and whosoever would repent and turn from 00:09:33.679 --> 00:09:36.940 your sin and receive that gift, he takes up residence 00:09:36.940 --> 00:09:39.259 in you, takes you out of the kingdom of darkness, 00:09:39.480 --> 00:09:41.799 places you in the kingdom of light. His Holy 00:09:41.799 --> 00:09:44.620 Spirit comes in and it seals you. He deposits 00:09:44.620 --> 00:09:47.340 spiritual gifts inside of you. He gives you an 00:09:47.340 --> 00:09:50.539 inheritance. He has a purpose. and his whole 00:09:50.539 --> 00:09:53.740 goal is to make you more and more like himself 00:09:53.740 --> 00:09:57.100 so that you are the salt of the earth and the 00:09:57.100 --> 00:09:59.899 light of the earth so there's little Jesus or 00:09:59.899 --> 00:10:03.139 Christ -like ones everywhere. The word Christian 00:10:03.139 --> 00:10:06.139 was a negative connotation and it started in 00:10:06.139 --> 00:10:10.120 Antioch. It was when the Gentiles came to faith 00:10:10.120 --> 00:10:13.960 and they lived such radical lives, the only explanation, 00:10:14.340 --> 00:10:16.820 they're as weird as their founder. They greet 00:10:16.820 --> 00:10:20.919 one another with a holy kiss. They take worthless 00:10:20.919 --> 00:10:24.919 kids off the ash heap and they rescue them. They 00:10:24.919 --> 00:10:27.899 share their property with one another. They forgive 00:10:27.899 --> 00:10:31.100 their enemies. I mean, we try and kill them off 00:10:31.100 --> 00:10:33.679 and they go arm in arm and sing praises to their 00:10:33.679 --> 00:10:35.720 God. They're idiots. And by the way, they're 00:10:35.720 --> 00:10:38.379 cannibals as well. They talk about someone's 00:10:38.379 --> 00:10:41.799 blood and they drink blood. And they're atheists. 00:10:41.799 --> 00:10:44.879 They don't worship the emperor. They're little 00:10:44.879 --> 00:10:52.600 Christ ones. And that's the goal. And the means 00:10:52.600 --> 00:10:55.460 by which you become more like Christ are certainly 00:10:55.460 --> 00:10:58.539 the raw material of God's word. But the only 00:10:58.539 --> 00:11:00.039 one that can live the Christian life, are you 00:11:00.039 --> 00:11:05.019 ready, is Jesus. But if you have trusted Christ, 00:11:05.100 --> 00:11:07.799 Jesus lives in you. How? By the person of the 00:11:07.799 --> 00:11:11.789 Holy Spirit. So really, are you ready? The Christian 00:11:11.789 --> 00:11:15.250 life gets super simple. Your only real job is 00:11:15.250 --> 00:11:18.529 to figure out how you can stay connected to Jesus 00:11:18.529 --> 00:11:23.250 so his full access can have control in ways where 00:11:23.250 --> 00:11:26.230 he can produce his life through you. Through 00:11:26.230 --> 00:11:28.990 your personality, your uniqueness, just the way 00:11:28.990 --> 00:11:31.830 he made you. And Jesus is explaining by way of 00:11:31.830 --> 00:11:34.590 the metaphor of this vine how that works. Our 00:11:34.590 --> 00:11:39.009 sole responsibility is simply to abide. Stay 00:11:39.009 --> 00:11:42.330 connected. How do you stay connected to a best 00:11:42.330 --> 00:11:44.590 friend? Let's get this off the theological realm. 00:11:44.730 --> 00:11:47.830 And I want you to think of maybe a buddy, a girlfriend, 00:11:48.049 --> 00:11:50.250 or if you're a guy, a guy, someone that you're 00:11:50.250 --> 00:11:52.669 really close to, that no matter what, you've 00:11:52.669 --> 00:11:55.509 stayed in touch. I mean, maybe even when you're 00:11:55.509 --> 00:11:57.809 far apart, it's like three minutes and you reconnect. 00:11:58.070 --> 00:12:00.990 How do you stay connected like that? What do 00:12:00.990 --> 00:12:05.049 you do? Why is it? You have a common heart. You 00:12:05.049 --> 00:12:08.110 have common values. You stay in touch. You communicate. 00:12:08.409 --> 00:12:11.960 You share your heart. There's the person that 00:12:11.960 --> 00:12:13.980 you can share what's really going on, where you're 00:12:13.980 --> 00:12:15.919 afraid, where you blew it, maybe a big mistake. 00:12:17.240 --> 00:12:20.440 See, what God is saying is, that's what I want 00:12:20.440 --> 00:12:23.580 with you. I want you to stay connected to me. 00:12:24.120 --> 00:12:26.379 I don't want you over here thinking that I need 00:12:26.379 --> 00:12:28.720 to do certain things to try to earn God's favor. 00:12:29.179 --> 00:12:32.539 I want you to understand that if you would allow 00:12:32.539 --> 00:12:37.539 your heart and my word to reconnect, and if you 00:12:37.539 --> 00:12:40.649 would keep your mind renewed so that you begin 00:12:40.649 --> 00:12:44.830 to take in your mind and your heart exactly what 00:12:44.830 --> 00:12:48.210 the truth is, that that truth, as you ponder 00:12:48.210 --> 00:12:50.250 it and think about it and put it into practice, 00:12:50.409 --> 00:12:53.389 would actually do what? It would set you free. 00:12:54.090 --> 00:12:58.769 Free to be who I made you to be. Free from addictions, 00:12:58.809 --> 00:13:01.450 free from pleasing people, free from codependency, 00:13:01.509 --> 00:13:04.049 free from getting your identity in work or looks 00:13:04.049 --> 00:13:08.210 or money or accomplishments. Free to be my son. 00:13:08.960 --> 00:13:12.659 Or my daughter? See, that's the agenda. And he 00:13:12.659 --> 00:13:15.419 says, I want you to stay connected. The consequences 00:13:15.419 --> 00:13:18.340 of the results of being connected are access 00:13:18.340 --> 00:13:21.519 with vivid answers to prayer. Did you notice 00:13:21.519 --> 00:13:25.019 that? When you're connected to him and he's connected 00:13:25.019 --> 00:13:28.220 to you, your desires start aligning to his desires 00:13:28.220 --> 00:13:30.539 and you can ask whatever you want because what 00:13:30.539 --> 00:13:33.139 you're going to want is what he wants. The second 00:13:33.139 --> 00:13:35.399 thing is fruitfulness. An extraordinary life 00:13:35.399 --> 00:13:38.049 with extraordinary impact. You just become one 00:13:38.049 --> 00:13:39.929 of those people. Don't we all have people like 00:13:39.929 --> 00:13:42.289 that? Like, she's like the most loving person 00:13:42.289 --> 00:13:46.590 in the world. He's like, I mean, someday, somehow, 00:13:46.789 --> 00:13:49.309 someway, I would want to be a dad like him or 00:13:49.309 --> 00:13:51.269 a friend like him. Don't we all have some people 00:13:51.269 --> 00:13:54.009 like that? That's just the life of Christ that's 00:13:54.009 --> 00:13:56.789 been manifested. The third thing is that love. 00:13:56.990 --> 00:14:00.490 It results in heartfelt obedience. When you're 00:14:00.490 --> 00:14:02.350 connected, I don't know about you, there's a 00:14:02.350 --> 00:14:07.960 little verse in 1 John. 1 John says, and his 00:14:07.960 --> 00:14:10.600 commandments aren't grievous unto us. Has anyone 00:14:10.600 --> 00:14:13.840 ever read that one? I read that for years and 00:14:13.840 --> 00:14:15.740 I thought, they may not be grievous to you, but 00:14:15.740 --> 00:14:20.039 they're very grievous to me. I'm just being honest. 00:14:20.200 --> 00:14:23.259 It's like, I mean, at the time I was single, 00:14:23.299 --> 00:14:26.879 no sex before marriage, that's grievous. I'm 00:14:26.879 --> 00:14:28.740 supposed to be in your word, that's grievous. 00:14:28.960 --> 00:14:32.460 I'm not very disciplined. I mean, it wasn't until 00:14:32.460 --> 00:14:36.980 I experienced the heart of God, and understood 00:14:36.980 --> 00:14:40.320 the goodness of God, and really grasped the grace 00:14:40.320 --> 00:14:44.940 of God, that I realized that every single command 00:14:44.940 --> 00:14:49.379 in Scripture is designed to keep me on a path. 00:14:49.790 --> 00:14:53.049 so that I get the very best, the very best decision, 00:14:53.289 --> 00:14:55.929 the very best friends, the very best mate, the 00:14:55.929 --> 00:14:58.850 very best job, the very best future. All of a 00:14:58.850 --> 00:15:01.029 sudden, I got this word picture of, imagine, 00:15:01.169 --> 00:15:03.350 you know, like there's this kind of sort of beautiful 00:15:03.350 --> 00:15:06.129 house up on this high mountain, and there's all 00:15:06.129 --> 00:15:08.889 these windy roads, right? And on the roads, you 00:15:08.889 --> 00:15:10.649 know, there's drop -offs of a thousand feet, 00:15:10.750 --> 00:15:14.690 but there's guardrails. And you're in this car 00:15:14.690 --> 00:15:16.889 and this car is your life and there's a lot of 00:15:16.889 --> 00:15:19.490 twists and turns. And you know what? If you go 00:15:19.490 --> 00:15:21.690 over the side, you're in trouble. You know what 00:15:21.690 --> 00:15:25.330 the guardrails are? God's commandments. So they're 00:15:25.330 --> 00:15:27.669 not grievous. It's like, you know what? It's 00:15:27.669 --> 00:15:32.029 like, I don't want you to get AIDS. Like, I don't 00:15:32.029 --> 00:15:33.870 want you to have the memories of seven or eight 00:15:33.870 --> 00:15:36.509 other partners to take into your marriage. It's 00:15:36.509 --> 00:15:39.470 like, I don't want you to experience the loneliness 00:15:39.470 --> 00:15:42.710 and the emptiness of greed dominating your life 00:15:42.710 --> 00:15:45.350 and accumulating things only to find out that 00:15:45.350 --> 00:15:47.169 what you've done is alienated people that really 00:15:47.169 --> 00:15:49.789 matter. I don't want you to be old and lonely 00:15:49.789 --> 00:15:52.470 and have mortgaged relationships and have kids 00:15:52.470 --> 00:15:54.830 that are grown that don't even like you. And 00:15:54.830 --> 00:15:58.509 so I have commands. And if you'll obey the commands, 00:15:58.950 --> 00:16:01.110 see, they're not grievous because what they do 00:16:01.110 --> 00:16:03.490 is they allow you, don't you do this with your 00:16:03.490 --> 00:16:06.289 kids? I mean, you give them all kind of grievous 00:16:06.289 --> 00:16:08.850 commands like don't touch the stove, don't run 00:16:08.850 --> 00:16:11.070 into the street. Why are you so restrictive, 00:16:11.210 --> 00:16:14.250 right? How come I can't play with the gun, Dad? 00:16:16.730 --> 00:16:21.049 You just, what kind of parent are you? And why? 00:16:22.250 --> 00:16:24.789 Because you want the very best for your kids. 00:16:25.829 --> 00:16:28.250 Sometimes the commands are hard to swallow, and 00:16:28.250 --> 00:16:32.309 so we by faith have to say, you know, Lord, the 00:16:32.309 --> 00:16:34.809 whole world is telling me that this is really 00:16:34.809 --> 00:16:37.750 a good thing, and you say it's not. So I'm going 00:16:37.750 --> 00:16:41.590 to trust you. And what you'll find as time goes 00:16:41.590 --> 00:16:45.490 on is that God's ways are not our ways, but they're 00:16:45.490 --> 00:16:48.809 way, way better. Final thing he says that is 00:16:48.809 --> 00:16:51.769 the result of this abiding is intimacy, and it 00:16:51.769 --> 00:16:56.490 results in supernatural joy. Isn't it interesting 00:16:56.490 --> 00:16:59.169 that in John 13, he serves them to demonstrate 00:16:59.169 --> 00:17:03.870 and they experience love. In John 14, he gives 00:17:03.870 --> 00:17:06.470 them the long -term plan and the intermediate 00:17:06.470 --> 00:17:09.930 plan and what to do next. And planning produces 00:17:09.930 --> 00:17:12.710 hope. They know, you know what? We're not left 00:17:12.710 --> 00:17:15.890 alone. And now the reason he wants them connected 00:17:15.890 --> 00:17:19.049 is he wants them to experience not just joy. 00:17:20.130 --> 00:17:23.170 What's it say? Verse 11. These things I've written 00:17:23.170 --> 00:17:28.150 unto you that my joy might be in you and that 00:17:28.150 --> 00:17:31.769 your joy might be made full. See, the joy of 00:17:31.769 --> 00:17:34.250 the Lord is your strength, but that comes when 00:17:34.250 --> 00:17:37.670 you're connected and abiding in him. And in this 00:17:37.670 --> 00:17:39.829 passage, he's going to tell us exactly how to 00:17:39.829 --> 00:17:42.769 do that. So with that, let's go from sort of 00:17:42.769 --> 00:17:45.470 the teaching to the principles. Principle number 00:17:45.470 --> 00:17:48.109 one is you can't impart what you do not possess. 00:17:49.969 --> 00:17:55.069 We must abide in him to have his love to give 00:17:55.069 --> 00:18:02.430 to our mate. Right? I mean, I don't get up and 00:18:02.430 --> 00:18:04.869 read a couple chapters or three chapters or a 00:18:04.869 --> 00:18:06.829 small book or a little paragraph of the Bible 00:18:06.829 --> 00:18:09.529 in the morning and go, wow, man, two chapters 00:18:09.529 --> 00:18:11.490 a day keeps the devil away. Glad I got that done. 00:18:13.279 --> 00:18:15.500 Okay, let me think. I'm going to set my watch. 00:18:15.660 --> 00:18:17.519 I prayed for seven minutes yesterday. I'm going 00:18:17.519 --> 00:18:19.559 to go for nine today. Someday I'm going to pray 00:18:19.559 --> 00:18:22.779 for 23 minutes. Is that how you sit with a best 00:18:22.779 --> 00:18:26.660 friend? I opened the Bible because God wants 00:18:26.660 --> 00:18:30.099 me to see myself. He wants to feed my soul. He 00:18:30.099 --> 00:18:34.000 wants to renew my mind. And are you ready? Conversation 00:18:34.000 --> 00:18:36.599 is about two things, right? Listening and talking. 00:18:38.599 --> 00:18:42.319 This is God speaking to you and to me. This is 00:18:42.319 --> 00:18:45.119 our lips speaking to him. And sitting quietly, 00:18:45.339 --> 00:18:47.720 very, very often, the Holy Spirit will take his 00:18:47.720 --> 00:18:50.400 word or something he wants to say to you if you're 00:18:50.400 --> 00:18:53.799 open and strongly impress upon you so you can 00:18:53.799 --> 00:18:56.259 stay connected to him. And it can be, sometimes 00:18:56.259 --> 00:18:58.900 it's just a little thing, like a little prompting. 00:18:58.900 --> 00:19:00.980 I want you to give so -and -so a call. That's 00:19:00.980 --> 00:19:03.059 out of the blue. And you call them and you find 00:19:03.059 --> 00:19:05.119 out they're really struggling. Or, you know, 00:19:05.259 --> 00:19:07.460 in my case, sometimes it's a little prompting 00:19:07.460 --> 00:19:09.740 that, remember yesterday when you guys were doing 00:19:09.740 --> 00:19:12.309 this and doing that? Yeah. Did you realize you 00:19:12.309 --> 00:19:16.269 hurt Teresa's feelings? Huh? You need to apologize 00:19:16.269 --> 00:19:22.009 here. Are you sure? Right? And, you know, it's 00:19:22.009 --> 00:19:24.609 amazing. When God asks you to do something that 00:19:24.609 --> 00:19:26.549 you're kind of uncomfortable, that's very helpful 00:19:26.549 --> 00:19:28.869 to another person, that will embarrass you, there's 00:19:28.869 --> 00:19:30.390 a good chance it's the Holy Spirit. It's not 00:19:30.390 --> 00:19:36.529 you. Right? And so my point is, as you stay connected, 00:19:36.849 --> 00:19:41.150 as you're in his word, as you talk to him from 00:19:41.150 --> 00:19:44.049 the heart, as you have some guy friends if you're 00:19:44.049 --> 00:19:46.609 a guy and some girlfriends if you're a gal, and 00:19:46.609 --> 00:19:48.069 if you have some couples if you're a couple, 00:19:48.190 --> 00:19:50.829 that you build into one another's life so that 00:19:50.829 --> 00:19:53.630 Jesus living in them, right? Faith is as much 00:19:53.630 --> 00:19:59.309 caught as taught. And as you abide, then you 00:19:59.309 --> 00:20:02.450 have this capacity because you're receiving his 00:20:02.450 --> 00:20:06.809 love to give it away. Second is connection is 00:20:06.809 --> 00:20:14.930 built on communication. Right? My words abide 00:20:14.930 --> 00:20:19.950 in you and you abide in my word. Connection is 00:20:19.950 --> 00:20:22.549 built on faithfulness and obedience. He that 00:20:22.549 --> 00:20:25.869 keeps my commandments, he that loves me. If you 00:20:25.869 --> 00:20:28.069 abide in my love, just as I abide in my Father's 00:20:28.069 --> 00:20:32.130 love. And then I think he used this picture for 00:20:32.130 --> 00:20:40.869 a reason. Communication takes time. You got to 00:20:40.869 --> 00:20:42.829 be faithful and you got to respond. You have 00:20:42.829 --> 00:20:45.670 to talk. You have to listen. And it's not just 00:20:45.670 --> 00:20:47.869 with the Father. Now, this is with our mates. 00:20:49.670 --> 00:20:55.109 You can't microwave a relationship. There's just 00:20:55.109 --> 00:20:59.390 no substitute for time. And it's not time where 00:20:59.390 --> 00:21:03.589 you're multitasking. It's not time when ESPN 00:21:03.589 --> 00:21:06.230 is on or someone's watching the news or it's 00:21:06.230 --> 00:21:08.549 not time when both people are semi on their phone. 00:21:09.810 --> 00:21:14.130 where all of you is focused on all of him or 00:21:14.130 --> 00:21:19.829 all of her, and the goal is to connect. And if 00:21:19.829 --> 00:21:23.109 you don't connect, if you don't abide, then what 00:21:23.109 --> 00:21:28.789 do you do? You drift. And part of the deep sense 00:21:28.789 --> 00:21:32.230 in your soul where you feel a together, it's 00:21:32.230 --> 00:21:35.509 a sense of we are going through life. It's a 00:21:35.509 --> 00:21:39.309 sense of strength. It's a sense of... Can't you 00:21:39.309 --> 00:21:42.549 have great joy in the midst of even challenges 00:21:42.549 --> 00:21:44.769 when you really feel like you're in it together? 00:21:45.769 --> 00:21:49.130 Haven't you been through that? And circumstances 00:21:49.130 --> 00:21:53.170 can be great and yet you're not connected and 00:21:53.170 --> 00:21:58.109 still life isn't working. Connecting is about 00:21:58.109 --> 00:22:01.490 renewing your heart and we live in a world filled 00:22:01.490 --> 00:22:05.190 with drift and distractions. What's the plan 00:22:05.190 --> 00:22:08.509 to stay connected? Well, the key, I think, is 00:22:08.509 --> 00:22:11.930 communication. Third principle is joy is the 00:22:11.930 --> 00:22:14.289 fruit or the overflow of connection with Christ 00:22:14.289 --> 00:22:17.869 and with one another. And I will tell you, it'll 00:22:17.869 --> 00:22:21.950 sustain you. I've been through lots of ups and 00:22:21.950 --> 00:22:25.250 downs in our life and ministry ups and downs 00:22:25.250 --> 00:22:28.910 and betrayals and difficulties. And Teresa and 00:22:28.910 --> 00:22:31.089 I, eight or nine years ago, went through cancer 00:22:31.089 --> 00:22:35.089 together that she went through. And I can tell 00:22:35.089 --> 00:22:39.200 you, when you're connected, to God and you're 00:22:39.200 --> 00:22:42.740 connected to one another. You can go after a 00:22:42.740 --> 00:22:45.200 radiation treatment and pull up to a Starbucks 00:22:45.200 --> 00:22:48.740 and get a cup of coffee and then get one little 00:22:48.740 --> 00:22:51.420 of those oatmeal cookies and let them heat it 00:22:51.420 --> 00:22:54.440 up and break it in half. And you can sit in the 00:22:54.440 --> 00:22:57.160 car together and you can share it and she can 00:22:57.160 --> 00:22:59.380 be absolutely exhausted and you cannot know, 00:22:59.480 --> 00:23:02.450 is this going to work or not? And you can think 00:23:02.450 --> 00:23:05.349 I'm the luckiest, blessed man in the life. And 00:23:05.349 --> 00:23:07.309 I don't know how many more days or months or 00:23:07.309 --> 00:23:10.089 years I'm going to have with her. But I love 00:23:10.089 --> 00:23:12.990 her so much. And it was easy to cancel every 00:23:12.990 --> 00:23:15.470 speaking engagement for the year. It was easy 00:23:15.470 --> 00:23:17.490 to tell the person that I was supposed to write 00:23:17.490 --> 00:23:19.769 a book that, guess what? You want the money back 00:23:19.769 --> 00:23:21.690 from the advance? You can have the money back. 00:23:21.829 --> 00:23:23.569 I'm not going to write a book. I'm not going 00:23:23.569 --> 00:23:25.769 to go speak anywhere. I'm going to be with her. 00:23:26.200 --> 00:23:28.079 And we're going to go to every appointment together. 00:23:28.400 --> 00:23:30.440 And I would never want to go through it again, 00:23:30.579 --> 00:23:32.839 but I will tell you in the midst of that difficulty 00:23:32.839 --> 00:23:35.779 and that pain, there was a love that we experienced 00:23:35.779 --> 00:23:39.480 and a connection because you really, when you 00:23:39.480 --> 00:23:41.579 start thinking, I may not have this person very 00:23:41.579 --> 00:23:45.039 long. I'll tell you what, it changes how you 00:23:45.039 --> 00:23:47.420 think. It changes how you talk. It changes how 00:23:47.420 --> 00:23:49.019 you think about. I'll tell you what, you want 00:23:49.019 --> 00:23:51.480 a little exercise? Pretend your mate has cancer 00:23:51.480 --> 00:23:53.859 and has about 60 or 90 days to live and treat 00:23:53.859 --> 00:23:55.980 them like you only have 60 or 90 more days with 00:23:55.980 --> 00:23:59.619 them. That'll shake up your relationship. I remember. 00:24:01.059 --> 00:24:03.900 reading about a lady who was having a marriage. 00:24:03.980 --> 00:24:07.319 Her husband was a type A, very busy, pretty insensitive 00:24:07.319 --> 00:24:10.400 business guy. And she had tried, you know, different 00:24:10.400 --> 00:24:12.799 ways, you know, classic ways to, you know, we 00:24:12.799 --> 00:24:14.900 need to spend more time together and, you know, 00:24:14.900 --> 00:24:16.859 we need to do this and we need to do that. And 00:24:16.859 --> 00:24:19.720 the nagging wasn't working. And so she had read 00:24:19.720 --> 00:24:21.500 something about, you know, winning your husband 00:24:21.500 --> 00:24:24.839 without a word from 1 Peter 3. And so she decides 00:24:24.839 --> 00:24:27.700 they're going to go on vacation. for a whole 00:24:27.700 --> 00:24:30.299 week, she's just going to try this absolutely 00:24:30.299 --> 00:24:35.519 counterintuitive of loving her husband in ways 00:24:35.519 --> 00:24:38.099 in his love language. And so she does it day 00:24:38.099 --> 00:24:41.079 one, day two, day three, you know, and he usually 00:24:41.079 --> 00:24:43.240 does certain things that she's, you know, hey, 00:24:43.299 --> 00:24:44.859 we came all the way here and you want to go do 00:24:44.859 --> 00:24:46.380 that? And she goes, oh no, that's great. And 00:24:46.380 --> 00:24:48.220 so she goes through the whole thing. They get 00:24:48.220 --> 00:24:50.859 to day six and they're ready to go home. And 00:24:50.859 --> 00:24:54.039 he said, honey, we need to talk. And she got, 00:24:54.140 --> 00:24:56.019 oh my gosh, I wonder what's wrong. And he said, 00:24:58.400 --> 00:25:02.299 is everything okay? And she said, well, why? 00:25:03.380 --> 00:25:07.279 He said, well, you know, I know you saw the doctor 00:25:07.279 --> 00:25:09.259 a couple weeks or so before, you know, our vacation. 00:25:10.220 --> 00:25:14.019 I mean, are you going to die? And she goes, no. 00:25:14.819 --> 00:25:16.380 He goes, well, you've been treating me in such 00:25:16.380 --> 00:25:18.359 a way like I thought maybe you thought you were 00:25:18.359 --> 00:25:20.019 going to die and were just being super good to 00:25:20.019 --> 00:25:25.180 me. And she tells the story that the lights came 00:25:25.180 --> 00:25:28.720 on and what he realized was How have I missed 00:25:28.720 --> 00:25:32.240 this in our relationship for so long? You know 00:25:32.240 --> 00:25:38.160 what it is? It's connection. Ask yourself, what 00:25:38.160 --> 00:25:44.700 is keeping you disconnected from your mate? For 00:25:44.700 --> 00:25:50.119 men, it's often your work. For women, it's often 00:25:50.119 --> 00:25:54.119 your children. And for all of you, it's often 00:25:54.119 --> 00:25:59.500 your phone. and your laptop and your Netflix 00:25:59.500 --> 00:26:06.039 and you're filling your life with things to medicate 00:26:06.039 --> 00:26:12.920 your loneliness. It can be hobbies. Because you 00:26:12.920 --> 00:26:14.160 know, if you're going to be really connected, 00:26:14.339 --> 00:26:15.519 that means you're going to have to let someone 00:26:15.519 --> 00:26:19.680 see who you are and what's really going on. And 00:26:19.680 --> 00:26:24.240 it's taken me decades to realize. Being open 00:26:24.240 --> 00:26:26.940 and real and even sharing weaknesses appropriately 00:26:26.940 --> 00:26:29.640 open the door for other people to realize there's 00:26:29.640 --> 00:26:32.819 hope for all of us. But that's got to begin in 00:26:32.819 --> 00:26:36.660 your marriage. That's got to begin with... Being, 00:26:36.680 --> 00:26:39.619 you know, I know I'm not the husband I need and 00:26:39.619 --> 00:26:41.900 ought to be, but I want to change. I know I'm 00:26:41.900 --> 00:26:44.299 not the wife that I need and ought and want to 00:26:44.299 --> 00:26:47.339 be, and I want to change. And then not using 00:26:47.339 --> 00:26:49.700 that as a hammer later to say, you said you wanted 00:26:49.700 --> 00:26:52.180 to change and realize it's a process. Here's 00:26:52.180 --> 00:26:55.299 the key. Focus on how do we get connected at 00:26:55.299 --> 00:27:00.359 a deeper level? Practical implications. Our personal 00:27:00.359 --> 00:27:02.539 walk with God is critical to a great marriage. 00:27:02.660 --> 00:27:07.039 That was pretty easy, wasn't it? If you want 00:27:07.039 --> 00:27:08.700 to have a great marriage, go vertical first. 00:27:10.200 --> 00:27:12.940 Whatever you need to do to walk closely with 00:27:12.940 --> 00:27:15.500 God, be in his word, have some men in your life 00:27:15.500 --> 00:27:17.779 or some women in your life, some accountability, 00:27:17.980 --> 00:27:21.119 some fellowship, some encouragement. Second is 00:27:21.119 --> 00:27:24.000 communication skill and practice is the key to 00:27:24.000 --> 00:27:27.500 a joyful marriage. You have to learn to communicate. 00:27:28.400 --> 00:27:30.940 And it's a skill and you have to practice it. 00:27:32.779 --> 00:27:35.960 And third, the connection is of the mind, the 00:27:35.960 --> 00:27:39.400 body, the emotions, and the spirit. And so in 00:27:39.400 --> 00:27:41.920 other words, you have to learn to intellectually 00:27:41.920 --> 00:27:44.740 communicate, you have to learn to have spiritual 00:27:44.740 --> 00:27:47.180 connection, you have to learn to have emotional 00:27:47.180 --> 00:27:50.119 connection, and then you have to figure out ways 00:27:50.119 --> 00:27:55.900 to have regular bodily connection. There's something 00:27:55.900 --> 00:28:00.259 very powerful that... that God has made when 00:28:00.259 --> 00:28:03.339 a man and a woman make love that build a bond 00:28:03.339 --> 00:28:06.440 and a communication of a nonverbal type that 00:28:06.440 --> 00:28:10.119 does something in your heart. But if the others 00:28:10.119 --> 00:28:12.640 aren't a part of it, a woman normally will feel 00:28:12.640 --> 00:28:16.559 used instead of being connected and loved and 00:28:16.559 --> 00:28:20.220 cherished. And so let me give you two or three 00:28:20.220 --> 00:28:23.380 tools to begin to build. Deeper and deeper connection. 00:28:23.839 --> 00:28:26.240 The first is what I'm going to call the conference, 00:28:26.380 --> 00:28:29.519 and it's just a communication skill. And this 00:28:29.519 --> 00:28:31.400 is one of those that I paid a lot of money for 00:28:31.400 --> 00:28:34.880 that I'm going to give to you for free. Teresa 00:28:34.880 --> 00:28:38.900 and I, I think in our early marriage counseling, 00:28:39.079 --> 00:28:41.140 we'd have at least two or three of these conferences 00:28:41.140 --> 00:28:44.680 a week. And then it got to be a pattern of how 00:28:44.680 --> 00:28:47.220 we would talk. I mean, we couldn't communicate. 00:28:48.359 --> 00:28:51.549 And we could not resolve conflict. And she was 00:28:51.549 --> 00:28:54.509 a stuffer. And she had issues. She would stuff 00:28:54.509 --> 00:28:57.069 it. And guess what happens to people who stuff 00:28:57.069 --> 00:29:00.029 their emotions? They get depressed. And I was 00:29:00.029 --> 00:29:02.869 a verbalizer. So I just frustrated her all the 00:29:02.869 --> 00:29:06.289 time. I would walk around the bed at night saying, 00:29:06.450 --> 00:29:09.109 the sun can't go down until we resolve this conflict. 00:29:09.349 --> 00:29:12.490 And quote verses to her. And she would put her 00:29:12.490 --> 00:29:16.269 head over her pillow and just think, who is this 00:29:16.269 --> 00:29:19.539 wild man that I married? He's a nut. which was 00:29:19.539 --> 00:29:24.000 absolutely true. So here's how it works. This 00:29:24.000 --> 00:29:27.059 is how I learned it. Men, we're the leaders, 00:29:27.119 --> 00:29:30.440 so we start. So I imagine, in my case, Teresa's 00:29:30.440 --> 00:29:33.960 sitting across from me. You guys will have to 00:29:33.960 --> 00:29:37.059 lean in. You make eye contact, body languages. 00:29:37.099 --> 00:29:39.119 I'm actually listening, and I say to Teresa, 00:29:39.359 --> 00:29:43.289 what are you concerned about? And then... I actually 00:29:43.289 --> 00:29:45.589 do this literally in some cases, but we won't 00:29:45.589 --> 00:29:48.569 do it literally. I put a piece of duct tape over 00:29:48.569 --> 00:29:55.869 my mouth. I cannot respond. I can say anything 00:29:55.869 --> 00:30:00.029 else. That's okay. Now, you're the woman. Here's 00:30:00.029 --> 00:30:02.650 the deal. Whatever you're concerned about, it 00:30:02.650 --> 00:30:05.250 doesn't have to be all serious. Anything that 00:30:05.250 --> 00:30:08.329 comes to your mind. I'm concerned about our finances. 00:30:08.930 --> 00:30:10.750 I'm concerned that we don't have a long -term 00:30:10.750 --> 00:30:13.529 plan. I'm concerned about... That boy our daughter's 00:30:13.529 --> 00:30:16.210 dating, I don't feel good about him. I'm concerned 00:30:16.210 --> 00:30:17.970 that I feel so tired I think something might 00:30:17.970 --> 00:30:20.589 be wrong. I'm concerned that you don't seem to 00:30:20.589 --> 00:30:23.170 like your job anymore. Anything that comes to 00:30:23.170 --> 00:30:25.069 your mind, okay? And men, here's what we do. 00:30:25.829 --> 00:30:29.569 Mm -hmm, mm -hmm. You're not gonna fix anything. 00:30:30.829 --> 00:30:34.150 Nothing. Now, what you'll find is the first time, 00:30:34.210 --> 00:30:37.490 this could go a little bit long, and your wife 00:30:37.490 --> 00:30:39.609 will probably have more words than you, but that's 00:30:39.609 --> 00:30:43.869 okay. Then, ladies, You know, he takes the duct 00:30:43.869 --> 00:30:46.269 tape off and you look in his eyes and say, what 00:30:46.269 --> 00:30:48.789 are you concerned about? And guys, here's the 00:30:48.789 --> 00:30:53.910 non -option. Oh, not that much. I'm good. And 00:30:53.910 --> 00:30:58.970 you know what? Open your mouth. You know, I'm 00:30:58.970 --> 00:31:00.769 concerned about that boy too, now that you think 00:31:00.769 --> 00:31:05.509 about it. Now, guys, you can't repeat all of 00:31:05.509 --> 00:31:11.160 her concerns. Could you just be honest? She is 00:31:11.160 --> 00:31:14.220 dying to know what's in here. Anything that concerns 00:31:14.220 --> 00:31:20.059 you. You know, I'm concerned that, you know, 00:31:20.079 --> 00:31:23.539 since my ACL, I can't do what I used to do. I 00:31:23.539 --> 00:31:25.319 can't play sports the way I used to. I'm concerned 00:31:25.319 --> 00:31:28.400 that my best buddy is getting deployed and I'm 00:31:28.400 --> 00:31:31.359 really, I know what that is like there and I'm 00:31:31.359 --> 00:31:32.900 really concerned about it. I'm concerned about, 00:31:33.140 --> 00:31:37.539 you know, whatever. Whatever comes, you're concerned. 00:31:37.660 --> 00:31:39.799 I'm concerned about our marriage. I'm concerned 00:31:39.799 --> 00:31:43.140 I'm not the man I want to be. I'm concerned whatever 00:31:43.140 --> 00:31:47.099 it is, okay? Next question. You look at your 00:31:47.099 --> 00:31:49.819 wife, duct tape replaced. By the way, ladies, 00:31:49.900 --> 00:31:53.079 when he's talking, duct tape. We don't need, 00:31:53.200 --> 00:31:56.039 oh, that's so bad. I'm so sorry. I'll take care 00:31:56.039 --> 00:31:59.920 of you. You know, just listen. Then what do you 00:31:59.920 --> 00:32:02.299 wish? And by the way, you don't have to keep 00:32:02.299 --> 00:32:04.519 it so serious. Well, I wish we'd win the lotto. 00:32:05.140 --> 00:32:08.509 I wish we'd go to Hawaii next week. I wish that 00:32:08.509 --> 00:32:13.210 boy didn't date our daughter. I wish we could 00:32:13.210 --> 00:32:15.950 have more talks like this. I wish we would have 00:32:15.950 --> 00:32:20.549 a retreat like this once a year. I mean, literally, 00:32:20.630 --> 00:32:23.450 if there was a little, you know, one of those 00:32:23.450 --> 00:32:25.450 lamps, and you could wish and you could have 00:32:25.450 --> 00:32:31.150 it, just say it. Whatever it is. And then we 00:32:31.150 --> 00:32:33.750 switch it, and the man gets to do that. And then 00:32:33.750 --> 00:32:36.630 you get the last question. And as a man, you 00:32:36.630 --> 00:32:41.859 say to her, what are you willing to do? That's 00:32:41.859 --> 00:32:44.079 the third question. Now, here's the rule. You 00:32:44.079 --> 00:32:46.619 don't have to do anything. You don't have to 00:32:46.619 --> 00:32:51.059 do anything. But here's, and then you ask him, 00:32:51.160 --> 00:32:55.220 what are you willing to do? My first time is 00:32:55.220 --> 00:32:58.420 I was so angry and so hurt. Here's the line. 00:32:59.819 --> 00:33:01.660 I'm willing to have another one of these conferences. 00:33:02.980 --> 00:33:07.559 That's all I'm willing to do right now. Because 00:33:07.559 --> 00:33:11.380 there's just too much built up. And here's what 00:33:11.380 --> 00:33:15.099 this does. You realize the average couple talks, 00:33:15.279 --> 00:33:20.259 but says words and rarely gets into one another's 00:33:20.259 --> 00:33:23.039 hearts because it's about kids, it's about logistics, 00:33:23.160 --> 00:33:25.759 it's about stuff. Here's what you end up doing. 00:33:25.940 --> 00:33:28.880 You end up, if you share your concerns, you're 00:33:28.880 --> 00:33:32.579 getting to hear without interruption all the 00:33:32.579 --> 00:33:35.200 things that are weighing the heart of the person 00:33:35.200 --> 00:33:38.460 that you love. and committed your life to. And 00:33:38.460 --> 00:33:41.680 then you get to hear things that would put some 00:33:41.680 --> 00:33:43.640 wind in their sails, that would lift them up, 00:33:43.680 --> 00:33:45.859 and it would encourage in them. And then, looking 00:33:45.859 --> 00:33:47.900 at all of their burdens, and looking what would 00:33:47.900 --> 00:33:49.900 give them a lift, you have the opportunity, and 00:33:49.900 --> 00:33:51.359 you don't have to do it, because it's a free 00:33:51.359 --> 00:33:54.799 act of will. You could lift a tiny burden if 00:33:54.799 --> 00:33:57.960 you wanted to, or you could give a little lift. 00:34:00.420 --> 00:34:04.019 And what happened is, you've actually communicated. 00:34:05.220 --> 00:34:07.759 I'll never forget early on on this. I mean, she 00:34:07.759 --> 00:34:10.059 was, I'm concerned about our boys and their homework 00:34:10.059 --> 00:34:12.099 and their math, and it's so difficult and this 00:34:12.099 --> 00:34:13.980 and this and that, and I feel overwhelmed. And 00:34:13.980 --> 00:34:17.219 I remember saying, I mean, I was there like, 00:34:17.360 --> 00:34:21.940 okay, I'm willing to take over all the math of 00:34:21.940 --> 00:34:24.820 all of our kids, of all of their homework. I 00:34:24.820 --> 00:34:26.679 like math. It's really easy. It comes good to 00:34:26.679 --> 00:34:28.320 me. My dad was a math teacher. Are you kidding 00:34:28.320 --> 00:34:31.320 me? I had no idea. I had no idea that that was 00:34:31.320 --> 00:34:33.829 weighing her down. So I took that, and boy, their 00:34:33.829 --> 00:34:39.170 world changed. Sorry, son, I can't read it. Do 00:34:39.170 --> 00:34:41.650 it again. But Dad, you know what? Do it again. 00:34:42.269 --> 00:34:45.349 They all got very good in math. And you know 00:34:45.349 --> 00:34:48.110 what she told me later? She goes, I just felt 00:34:48.110 --> 00:34:50.989 so loved. Well, I didn't even know it was weighing 00:34:50.989 --> 00:34:55.429 her down. And so we do a couple of these or sometimes 00:34:55.429 --> 00:34:58.909 three a week. And then, I mean, to this day, 00:34:59.030 --> 00:35:01.309 sometimes we'll feel a little disconnected. And 00:35:01.309 --> 00:35:03.909 we did it for years and years and years and years. 00:35:04.250 --> 00:35:07.269 And we'll know we want to reconnect when we're 00:35:07.269 --> 00:35:08.690 driving in the car and she might turn and go, 00:35:08.809 --> 00:35:11.210 so what are you concerned about? And I realize, 00:35:11.409 --> 00:35:13.769 okay, yeah, we probably need to do this. And 00:35:13.769 --> 00:35:18.449 it's a great tool. And I would just encourage 00:35:18.449 --> 00:35:21.619 you. It's about setting a new trajectory. It's 00:35:21.619 --> 00:35:23.960 about going into training. You start communicating 00:35:23.960 --> 00:35:26.539 like this on a regular basis, I'm going to tell 00:35:26.539 --> 00:35:31.219 you. You're going to hear hurts and things that 00:35:31.219 --> 00:35:33.300 you didn't know about, and you'll have the opportunity 00:35:33.300 --> 00:35:35.960 to come in and express love in ways that are 00:35:35.960 --> 00:35:37.599 really meaningful. And here's what's going to 00:35:37.599 --> 00:35:40.480 happen. This, then this, then this, then this. 00:35:41.079 --> 00:35:42.760 And is it going to be a little threatening? Well, 00:35:42.800 --> 00:35:46.289 yeah. And by the way, okay, there's a couple 00:35:46.289 --> 00:35:49.150 rules to this. Someone wrote me after I taught 00:35:49.150 --> 00:35:51.250 this and said, well, what do you do if you share 00:35:51.250 --> 00:35:54.170 all your concerns and my partner's not coming 00:35:54.170 --> 00:35:55.530 in and stepping in and taking care of all the 00:35:55.530 --> 00:35:59.210 concerns? Well, you know what? It's a communication 00:35:59.210 --> 00:36:04.050 exercise. If you share all these things with 00:36:04.050 --> 00:36:06.289 the expectation that if they don't respond the 00:36:06.289 --> 00:36:07.949 way you want them to, guess who's still trying 00:36:07.949 --> 00:36:11.730 to control the relationship? I mean, this is 00:36:11.730 --> 00:36:14.880 a trust issue. Proverbs 21 .1, you might jot 00:36:14.880 --> 00:36:18.340 it down. This is how you change your mate. The 00:36:18.340 --> 00:36:20.239 king's heart is like channels of water in the 00:36:20.239 --> 00:36:22.320 hand of the Lord. He turns it whatever way he 00:36:22.320 --> 00:36:25.619 wishes. Okay? In other words, the most powerful 00:36:25.619 --> 00:36:28.139 people in the world, if you want to change someone 00:36:28.139 --> 00:36:31.480 over here, you talk to the king who can change 00:36:31.480 --> 00:36:34.000 that heart. So if I can't get through to her, 00:36:34.119 --> 00:36:35.860 and she will tell you the way she got through 00:36:35.860 --> 00:36:40.280 to me was like this, up to God, down to me. Because 00:36:40.280 --> 00:36:42.820 my heart and your mate's heart and her heart 00:36:42.820 --> 00:36:46.179 are in the hand of God. And you can ask God to 00:36:46.179 --> 00:36:49.699 speak to them. And this little communication 00:36:49.699 --> 00:36:52.699 device is going to be very helpful. Let me give 00:36:52.699 --> 00:36:56.079 you one more tool. I just call it the care list. 00:36:59.170 --> 00:37:01.829 So here's the question. This one is not in your 00:37:01.829 --> 00:37:03.530 notes, but you might wanna write it on the back 00:37:03.530 --> 00:37:07.510 or something. It's really simple. It's I feel 00:37:07.510 --> 00:37:13.349 most loved when you dot, dot, dot. And what I 00:37:13.349 --> 00:37:18.869 want you to do is list three things. I feel most 00:37:18.869 --> 00:37:25.429 loved when you call me for no reason. When you 00:37:25.429 --> 00:37:28.880 initiate making love. When you. Take out the 00:37:28.880 --> 00:37:34.599 trash and vacuum. When you lead spiritually. 00:37:35.599 --> 00:37:40.760 When you don't nag me, but encourage me to get 00:37:40.760 --> 00:37:42.820 some time away with my buddies when I really 00:37:42.820 --> 00:37:45.599 need to be refreshed. I feel most loved when 00:37:45.599 --> 00:37:49.940 you list your top three, okay? As a man, don't 00:37:49.940 --> 00:37:52.340 show them to your wife. Ladies, you list your 00:37:52.340 --> 00:37:56.500 top three. And then here's the assignment. You 00:37:56.500 --> 00:37:59.179 take your list of your top three and you give 00:37:59.179 --> 00:38:01.559 it to your husband. You take your list of top 00:38:01.559 --> 00:38:04.139 three and you give it to your wife. And now, 00:38:04.179 --> 00:38:06.820 you know what? We all wonder, how do I really 00:38:06.820 --> 00:38:12.460 love my mate? Well, she just told you. Line them 00:38:12.460 --> 00:38:15.480 up, knock them down. So this week, you know what? 00:38:15.579 --> 00:38:17.579 I know the top three things. I'm going to do 00:38:17.579 --> 00:38:20.360 one of those things in the next seven days for 00:38:20.360 --> 00:38:23.300 my wife or for my husband this week. Well, I 00:38:23.300 --> 00:38:26.130 don't feel like it. Tough. Jesus didn't feel 00:38:26.130 --> 00:38:28.710 like going to the cross. He went. Love is a choice, 00:38:28.809 --> 00:38:31.750 right? So now we're back to, now I've got a game 00:38:31.750 --> 00:38:34.409 plan. I'm going to serve her in a way that makes 00:38:34.409 --> 00:38:37.090 sense to her. I'm going to communicate in ways 00:38:37.090 --> 00:38:40.050 and I'm going to hear her heart or I'm going 00:38:40.050 --> 00:38:42.550 to hear his heart and we're going to go on a 00:38:42.550 --> 00:38:45.429 journey because guess what now? Now I know how 00:38:45.429 --> 00:38:49.510 to serve. I know what we need to plan about because 00:38:49.510 --> 00:38:51.590 now I know where the weights and the hurts are 00:38:51.590 --> 00:38:55.070 and I know where the joys would be. And so now 00:38:55.070 --> 00:38:57.530 I know the top three things that make them feel 00:38:57.530 --> 00:39:01.570 loved, and I'm just going to make a plan to do 00:39:01.570 --> 00:39:04.789 that. Got it? According to Jesus, he who has 00:39:04.789 --> 00:39:06.429 ears to hear, let him hear. What he meant by 00:39:06.429 --> 00:39:09.329 that is, are you going to act on what I have 00:39:09.329 --> 00:39:12.489 just said and trust me to the point of obeying 00:39:12.489 --> 00:39:15.809 me? And if you do, I will show up in your life. 00:39:16.730 --> 00:39:18.849 And if you don't, even the truth you think you 00:39:18.849 --> 00:39:23.059 have is going to get taken away. I think you 00:39:23.059 --> 00:39:24.559 guys are going to act on it and you're going 00:39:24.559 --> 00:39:29.380 to see God work. This is Living on the Edge with 00:39:29.380 --> 00:39:32.340 Chip Ingram, and we're in our series called Choosing 00:39:32.340 --> 00:39:35.079 Love. If you're ready to turn today's challenge 00:39:35.079 --> 00:39:38.539 into lasting change, Chip's newest book, I Choose 00:39:38.539 --> 00:39:41.380 Love, gives you the practical roadmap you need. 00:39:41.929 --> 00:39:44.489 It doesn't just tell you what to do. It shows 00:39:44.489 --> 00:39:47.389 you how to do it. You'll learn to recognize the 00:39:47.389 --> 00:39:50.250 subtle ways pride and selfishness sabotage your 00:39:50.250 --> 00:39:53.110 relationships. You'll discover practical exercises 00:39:53.110 --> 00:39:56.369 to develop genuine humility. And you'll see how 00:39:56.369 --> 00:39:59.309 choosing agape love, the sacrificial, others 00:39:59.309 --> 00:40:02.349 -focused love of God, transforms even your most 00:40:02.349 --> 00:40:05.480 difficult relationships. I Choose Love addresses 00:40:05.480 --> 00:40:08.519 the real issues we all face. The tendency to 00:40:08.519 --> 00:40:10.880 need the last word, the subtle belief that our 00:40:10.880 --> 00:40:13.780 perspective is the truth, the grandiosity that 00:40:13.780 --> 00:40:16.380 shows up in small ways like chronic lateness. 00:40:16.679 --> 00:40:19.480 Chip gets brutally honest about his own struggles, 00:40:19.519 --> 00:40:22.420 and he shows you the path forward. If you're 00:40:22.420 --> 00:40:25.019 tired of broken relationships and ready to experience 00:40:25.019 --> 00:40:28.380 love that actually works, get your copy of I 00:40:28.380 --> 00:40:32.579 Choose Love today. Visit livingontheedge .org. 00:40:33.019 --> 00:40:35.559 And friend, this Bible teaching program is reaching 00:40:35.559 --> 00:40:38.139 you and countless others because of the faithful 00:40:38.139 --> 00:40:41.039 giving of listeners just like you. When you give 00:40:41.039 --> 00:40:43.280 to Living on the Edge, you're multiplying this 00:40:43.280 --> 00:40:46.179 message of transformative love around the world. 00:40:46.559 --> 00:40:49.960 Would you join us? Visit livingontheedge .org 00:40:49.960 --> 00:40:56.059 to give or just call us at 888 -333 -6003. Well, 00:40:56.079 --> 00:40:58.519 that wraps up today's episode. Don't miss the 00:40:58.519 --> 00:41:01.039 next Bible teaching message coming up here on 00:41:01.039 --> 00:41:07.360 the Chip Ingram Sermon Podcast. Today's program 00:41:07.360 --> 00:41:10.179 is produced and sponsored by Living on the Edge.