This is the Chip Ingram Sermon Podcast, brought
to you by Living on the Edge. In this podcast,
you'll hear Chip's teaching unedited and from
beginning to end. Well, now here's Chip with
today's message, Connecting, How to Multiply
Your Joy. Let me give you two quick pictures.
I'm driving in the car with my wife. I've been,
in my case, I travel quite a bit. So this last
year, I think. In about 14 months, I was in China
three times and in the Middle East and then some
domestic travel. And you all probably understand
this more than others. And I come home and she's
had a busy life and I've had a busy life and
I've really missed her and she's missed me. And
then I come home and it's weird. Okay? I don't
know how to say it. It's just weird. I love her.
She loves me. We told each other for like two
weeks how much we miss each other. And then I
come home and it's like... So how did it go,
and how do you tell someone what happened over
the last two weeks and where you were, and then
you're trying to catch up, and she starts telling
me about which grandkids came over and what they
did and something, and you sort of try, but it's
just, the word I use is you just don't connect.
Anybody get that? And you're not mad at each
other, but you so want to be connected, But you're
not. And so you try to have a conversation. And
me, I'm going to go like deep, fast, let's get
connected now. And this will be a shock, but
it doesn't work. And so we've had to learn different
ways to sort of ease into when one of us has
been away and reconnect. Little moment is I've
had times where they really, really small. She's
not done anything wrong, but a little something
irritated me that I didn't say anything about
where I did to her. And then there was another
little something and then it wasn't big enough
to bring up. And there's been times where I have
been driving in the car and she's been sitting
right there and we're kind of talking, but I
feel disconnected. Like, and I, and I feel like
I don't really want. to talk, which scares me
because I know that's not, those are beginning
signs of not good things, right? When you're
doing this instead of when you're doing that.
And so the question is, how do you get connected
and how do you stay connected? Because we're
talking about four biblical practices that great
marriages have in common. Biblical practice number
one is you, with full court press, serve your
mate. John 13. You humble yourself, find your
security in Christ, and you serve your mate.
The second biblical practice is about hope, and
you plan. You plan little times during the week,
little times for the month, bigger five and 10
years. You plan. God can change your plans, but
there's hope. This is where we're headed. This
is what we're gonna do. This is what we feel
called by God. Here's how we're going to build
our relationship. And the third thing that you
see, is connecting. Great marriages connect.
And it's interesting to me that when Jesus with
his bride, he serves John 13, then he gives them
the plan of heaven and then what's going to happen
until he comes back for us or until we go to
be with him. And then in John chapter 15, he
asks and answers this question. I'm leaving and
you're not going to see me. How do we stay connected?
How do we stay connected? How do we keep our
love flowing back and forth? How do you hear
my voice when I'm not here physically anymore?
How do you get direction from me when I'm not
here physically anymore? How are you gonna feel
my love and experience my love? Because I'm not
here physically anymore. And the answer to that
is in John chapter 15. So open your Bible, if
you will. The supper is over. They've sung a
hymn. And as they've gone out, they are passing
through a garden. And in John 15, he takes the
opportunity to give them a very clear picture
from their day about a vine and a branch. And
he gives them this metaphor. And the entire purpose
is to teach them. This is how our hearts are
going to stay connected, even though, quote,
geographically, God the Son and his resurrected
body will be at the right hand of the Father.
And all these disciples and all those will come
after him, including us in the body of Christ,
will be here on earth. And so this is what he
says to them and what he says to us. I am the
true vine and my father is the vine dresser.
Every branch in me that does not bear fruit,
he takes away. Literally, it's he lifts up. And
every branch that bears fruit, he prunes it so
that it bear more fruit. You are already clean
because of the word which I've spoken to you.
Command, abide in me. It means continue in, stay
connected to me and I in you. As the branch cannot
bear fruit unless it abides in the vine, stays
connected, so neither can you unless you abide
in me. Repetition, I am the vine, you are the
branches. He who abides in me and I in him, notice
two -way street, he bears much fruit. Why? For
a part from me, you can do nothing. If anyone
does not abide in me, he's thrown away as a branch
and dries up and they gather them, cast them
into the fire and they're burned. By contrast,
if you abide in me and my words abide in you,
you can ask whatever you wish and it will be
done for you. Verse eight, my father is glorified
by this that you bear not just fruit, much fruit.
And so prove or demonstrate that you're my disciples.
Just as the Father has loved me, I have also
loved you. Abide in my love. Well, how? Well,
if you keep my commandments, you will abide in
my love, just as I kept my Father's commandments
and abide in his love. Purpose clause. Why are
you telling this whole story about vines and
branches and abiding? Answer, these things I've
spoken to you so that my joy may be in you and
that your joy may be made full. This is my commandment,
that you love one another. How? Just as I loved
you. Greater love has no one than this, that
one lay down his life for his friends. You are
my friends if you do what I command. And then
this is an amazing, amazing passage. No longer
do I call you slaves, for a slave does not know
what his master is doing. But I have called you
friends for all things I've heard from my father
I've made known to you. You did not choose me,
but I chose you, and I appointed you that you
should go and bear fruit, and your fruit should
remain, that whatever you ask of the Father in
my name, he may give to you. And just in case
you missed the core of this, this I command you,
that you love one another. Now, we could spend
an awful lot of time on this passage, and I have
in the past, and we have a series talking about
Jesus unfiltered, where we go through every chapter
of John, but let me just give the highlights
of what this passage teaches. Number one, Jesus
is the true vine and we are the branches, okay?
First of all, in other words, I'm the true vine.
I'm the source of life. I give life. My father
is sovereignly orchestrating the vine dresser.
The Father positions and prunes us for fruitfulness.
That little word take away, if you know anything
in Napa, they have a lot of vines. And when I
studied this, I did a lot of research about how
they do it. And if a vine gets on the ground
and it's not producing any fruit, what they do
is they have a little pitchfork type thing and
they lift it up and they reposition it so it
can bear fruit. Other times you get too much
growth and the energy doesn't go into the fruit
and so they prune it. And it looks pretty painful,
but it produces a lot of great fruit. Jesus is
the vine, but God the Father is sovereignly orchestrating,
positioning, and sometimes repositioning our
life. Sometimes it feels kind of painful, but
the whole goal is to produce fruit. And the fruit
I think he's talking about here is primarily
first and foremost character. You know, how many
times did the word love come here? Right? You
abide, you bear much fruit. Keep my commandments.
Abide in my love as I kept my father's commandments.
Abide in his love. He's talking about the very
life of Christ being formed in you. You do understand
that's the agenda. Jesus didn't come and die
upon the cross and raise from the dead to make
you a little bit better moral person who goes
to religious services and hears someone talk
once a week and sing a few songs. That is not
the agenda. Okay? There's a role for that. Jesus...
came because you were lost and far from God in
and of yourself and he paid the price for your
sin and then he rose from the dead and he offers
as a free gift. He paid for the sins of the whole
world and whosoever would repent and turn from
your sin and receive that gift, he takes up residence
in you, takes you out of the kingdom of darkness,
places you in the kingdom of light. His Holy
Spirit comes in and it seals you. He deposits
spiritual gifts inside of you. He gives you an
inheritance. He has a purpose. and his whole
goal is to make you more and more like himself
so that you are the salt of the earth and the
light of the earth so there's little Jesus or
Christ -like ones everywhere. The word Christian
was a negative connotation and it started in
Antioch. It was when the Gentiles came to faith
and they lived such radical lives, the only explanation,
they're as weird as their founder. They greet
one another with a holy kiss. They take worthless
kids off the ash heap and they rescue them. They
share their property with one another. They forgive
their enemies. I mean, we try and kill them off
and they go arm in arm and sing praises to their
God. They're idiots. And by the way, they're
cannibals as well. They talk about someone's
blood and they drink blood. And they're atheists.
They don't worship the emperor. They're little
Christ ones. And that's the goal. And the means
by which you become more like Christ are certainly
the raw material of God's word. But the only
one that can live the Christian life, are you
ready, is Jesus. But if you have trusted Christ,
Jesus lives in you. How? By the person of the
Holy Spirit. So really, are you ready? The Christian
life gets super simple. Your only real job is
to figure out how you can stay connected to Jesus
so his full access can have control in ways where
he can produce his life through you. Through
your personality, your uniqueness, just the way
he made you. And Jesus is explaining by way of
the metaphor of this vine how that works. Our
sole responsibility is simply to abide. Stay
connected. How do you stay connected to a best
friend? Let's get this off the theological realm.
And I want you to think of maybe a buddy, a girlfriend,
or if you're a guy, a guy, someone that you're
really close to, that no matter what, you've
stayed in touch. I mean, maybe even when you're
far apart, it's like three minutes and you reconnect.
How do you stay connected like that? What do
you do? Why is it? You have a common heart. You
have common values. You stay in touch. You communicate.
You share your heart. There's the person that
you can share what's really going on, where you're
afraid, where you blew it, maybe a big mistake.
See, what God is saying is, that's what I want
with you. I want you to stay connected to me.
I don't want you over here thinking that I need
to do certain things to try to earn God's favor.
I want you to understand that if you would allow
your heart and my word to reconnect, and if you
would keep your mind renewed so that you begin
to take in your mind and your heart exactly what
the truth is, that that truth, as you ponder
it and think about it and put it into practice,
would actually do what? It would set you free.
Free to be who I made you to be. Free from addictions,
free from pleasing people, free from codependency,
free from getting your identity in work or looks
or money or accomplishments. Free to be my son.
Or my daughter? See, that's the agenda. And he
says, I want you to stay connected. The consequences
of the results of being connected are access
with vivid answers to prayer. Did you notice
that? When you're connected to him and he's connected
to you, your desires start aligning to his desires
and you can ask whatever you want because what
you're going to want is what he wants. The second
thing is fruitfulness. An extraordinary life
with extraordinary impact. You just become one
of those people. Don't we all have people like
that? Like, she's like the most loving person
in the world. He's like, I mean, someday, somehow,
someway, I would want to be a dad like him or
a friend like him. Don't we all have some people
like that? That's just the life of Christ that's
been manifested. The third thing is that love.
It results in heartfelt obedience. When you're
connected, I don't know about you, there's a
little verse in 1 John. 1 John says, and his
commandments aren't grievous unto us. Has anyone
ever read that one? I read that for years and
I thought, they may not be grievous to you, but
they're very grievous to me. I'm just being honest.
It's like, I mean, at the time I was single,
no sex before marriage, that's grievous. I'm
supposed to be in your word, that's grievous.
I'm not very disciplined. I mean, it wasn't until
I experienced the heart of God, and understood
the goodness of God, and really grasped the grace
of God, that I realized that every single command
in Scripture is designed to keep me on a path.
so that I get the very best, the very best decision,
the very best friends, the very best mate, the
very best job, the very best future. All of a
sudden, I got this word picture of, imagine,
you know, like there's this kind of sort of beautiful
house up on this high mountain, and there's all
these windy roads, right? And on the roads, you
know, there's drop -offs of a thousand feet,
but there's guardrails. And you're in this car
and this car is your life and there's a lot of
twists and turns. And you know what? If you go
over the side, you're in trouble. You know what
the guardrails are? God's commandments. So they're
not grievous. It's like, you know what? It's
like, I don't want you to get AIDS. Like, I don't
want you to have the memories of seven or eight
other partners to take into your marriage. It's
like, I don't want you to experience the loneliness
and the emptiness of greed dominating your life
and accumulating things only to find out that
what you've done is alienated people that really
matter. I don't want you to be old and lonely
and have mortgaged relationships and have kids
that are grown that don't even like you. And
so I have commands. And if you'll obey the commands,
see, they're not grievous because what they do
is they allow you, don't you do this with your
kids? I mean, you give them all kind of grievous
commands like don't touch the stove, don't run
into the street. Why are you so restrictive,
right? How come I can't play with the gun, Dad?
You just, what kind of parent are you? And why?
Because you want the very best for your kids.
Sometimes the commands are hard to swallow, and
so we by faith have to say, you know, Lord, the
whole world is telling me that this is really
a good thing, and you say it's not. So I'm going
to trust you. And what you'll find as time goes
on is that God's ways are not our ways, but they're
way, way better. Final thing he says that is
the result of this abiding is intimacy, and it
results in supernatural joy. Isn't it interesting
that in John 13, he serves them to demonstrate
and they experience love. In John 14, he gives
them the long -term plan and the intermediate
plan and what to do next. And planning produces
hope. They know, you know what? We're not left
alone. And now the reason he wants them connected
is he wants them to experience not just joy.
What's it say? Verse 11. These things I've written
unto you that my joy might be in you and that
your joy might be made full. See, the joy of
the Lord is your strength, but that comes when
you're connected and abiding in him. And in this
passage, he's going to tell us exactly how to
do that. So with that, let's go from sort of
the teaching to the principles. Principle number
one is you can't impart what you do not possess.
We must abide in him to have his love to give
to our mate. Right? I mean, I don't get up and
read a couple chapters or three chapters or a
small book or a little paragraph of the Bible
in the morning and go, wow, man, two chapters
a day keeps the devil away. Glad I got that done.
Okay, let me think. I'm going to set my watch.
I prayed for seven minutes yesterday. I'm going
to go for nine today. Someday I'm going to pray
for 23 minutes. Is that how you sit with a best
friend? I opened the Bible because God wants
me to see myself. He wants to feed my soul. He
wants to renew my mind. And are you ready? Conversation
is about two things, right? Listening and talking.
This is God speaking to you and to me. This is
our lips speaking to him. And sitting quietly,
very, very often, the Holy Spirit will take his
word or something he wants to say to you if you're
open and strongly impress upon you so you can
stay connected to him. And it can be, sometimes
it's just a little thing, like a little prompting.
I want you to give so -and -so a call. That's
out of the blue. And you call them and you find
out they're really struggling. Or, you know,
in my case, sometimes it's a little prompting
that, remember yesterday when you guys were doing
this and doing that? Yeah. Did you realize you
hurt Teresa's feelings? Huh? You need to apologize
here. Are you sure? Right? And, you know, it's
amazing. When God asks you to do something that
you're kind of uncomfortable, that's very helpful
to another person, that will embarrass you, there's
a good chance it's the Holy Spirit. It's not
you. Right? And so my point is, as you stay connected,
as you're in his word, as you talk to him from
the heart, as you have some guy friends if you're
a guy and some girlfriends if you're a gal, and
if you have some couples if you're a couple,
that you build into one another's life so that
Jesus living in them, right? Faith is as much
caught as taught. And as you abide, then you
have this capacity because you're receiving his
love to give it away. Second is connection is
built on communication. Right? My words abide
in you and you abide in my word. Connection is
built on faithfulness and obedience. He that
keeps my commandments, he that loves me. If you
abide in my love, just as I abide in my Father's
love. And then I think he used this picture for
a reason. Communication takes time. You got to
be faithful and you got to respond. You have
to talk. You have to listen. And it's not just
with the Father. Now, this is with our mates.
You can't microwave a relationship. There's just
no substitute for time. And it's not time where
you're multitasking. It's not time when ESPN
is on or someone's watching the news or it's
not time when both people are semi on their phone.
where all of you is focused on all of him or
all of her, and the goal is to connect. And if
you don't connect, if you don't abide, then what
do you do? You drift. And part of the deep sense
in your soul where you feel a together, it's
a sense of we are going through life. It's a
sense of strength. It's a sense of... Can't you
have great joy in the midst of even challenges
when you really feel like you're in it together?
Haven't you been through that? And circumstances
can be great and yet you're not connected and
still life isn't working. Connecting is about
renewing your heart and we live in a world filled
with drift and distractions. What's the plan
to stay connected? Well, the key, I think, is
communication. Third principle is joy is the
fruit or the overflow of connection with Christ
and with one another. And I will tell you, it'll
sustain you. I've been through lots of ups and
downs in our life and ministry ups and downs
and betrayals and difficulties. And Teresa and
I, eight or nine years ago, went through cancer
together that she went through. And I can tell
you, when you're connected, to God and you're
connected to one another. You can go after a
radiation treatment and pull up to a Starbucks
and get a cup of coffee and then get one little
of those oatmeal cookies and let them heat it
up and break it in half. And you can sit in the
car together and you can share it and she can
be absolutely exhausted and you cannot know,
is this going to work or not? And you can think
I'm the luckiest, blessed man in the life. And
I don't know how many more days or months or
years I'm going to have with her. But I love
her so much. And it was easy to cancel every
speaking engagement for the year. It was easy
to tell the person that I was supposed to write
a book that, guess what? You want the money back
from the advance? You can have the money back.
I'm not going to write a book. I'm not going
to go speak anywhere. I'm going to be with her.
And we're going to go to every appointment together.
And I would never want to go through it again,
but I will tell you in the midst of that difficulty
and that pain, there was a love that we experienced
and a connection because you really, when you
start thinking, I may not have this person very
long. I'll tell you what, it changes how you
think. It changes how you talk. It changes how
you think about. I'll tell you what, you want
a little exercise? Pretend your mate has cancer
and has about 60 or 90 days to live and treat
them like you only have 60 or 90 more days with
them. That'll shake up your relationship. I remember.
reading about a lady who was having a marriage.
Her husband was a type A, very busy, pretty insensitive
business guy. And she had tried, you know, different
ways, you know, classic ways to, you know, we
need to spend more time together and, you know,
we need to do this and we need to do that. And
the nagging wasn't working. And so she had read
something about, you know, winning your husband
without a word from 1 Peter 3. And so she decides
they're going to go on vacation. for a whole
week, she's just going to try this absolutely
counterintuitive of loving her husband in ways
in his love language. And so she does it day
one, day two, day three, you know, and he usually
does certain things that she's, you know, hey,
we came all the way here and you want to go do
that? And she goes, oh no, that's great. And
so she goes through the whole thing. They get
to day six and they're ready to go home. And
he said, honey, we need to talk. And she got,
oh my gosh, I wonder what's wrong. And he said,
is everything okay? And she said, well, why?
He said, well, you know, I know you saw the doctor
a couple weeks or so before, you know, our vacation.
I mean, are you going to die? And she goes, no.
He goes, well, you've been treating me in such
a way like I thought maybe you thought you were
going to die and were just being super good to
me. And she tells the story that the lights came
on and what he realized was How have I missed
this in our relationship for so long? You know
what it is? It's connection. Ask yourself, what
is keeping you disconnected from your mate? For
men, it's often your work. For women, it's often
your children. And for all of you, it's often
your phone. and your laptop and your Netflix
and you're filling your life with things to medicate
your loneliness. It can be hobbies. Because you
know, if you're going to be really connected,
that means you're going to have to let someone
see who you are and what's really going on. And
it's taken me decades to realize. Being open
and real and even sharing weaknesses appropriately
open the door for other people to realize there's
hope for all of us. But that's got to begin in
your marriage. That's got to begin with... Being,
you know, I know I'm not the husband I need and
ought to be, but I want to change. I know I'm
not the wife that I need and ought and want to
be, and I want to change. And then not using
that as a hammer later to say, you said you wanted
to change and realize it's a process. Here's
the key. Focus on how do we get connected at
a deeper level? Practical implications. Our personal
walk with God is critical to a great marriage.
That was pretty easy, wasn't it? If you want
to have a great marriage, go vertical first.
Whatever you need to do to walk closely with
God, be in his word, have some men in your life
or some women in your life, some accountability,
some fellowship, some encouragement. Second is
communication skill and practice is the key to
a joyful marriage. You have to learn to communicate.
And it's a skill and you have to practice it.
And third, the connection is of the mind, the
body, the emotions, and the spirit. And so in
other words, you have to learn to intellectually
communicate, you have to learn to have spiritual
connection, you have to learn to have emotional
connection, and then you have to figure out ways
to have regular bodily connection. There's something
very powerful that... that God has made when
a man and a woman make love that build a bond
and a communication of a nonverbal type that
does something in your heart. But if the others
aren't a part of it, a woman normally will feel
used instead of being connected and loved and
cherished. And so let me give you two or three
tools to begin to build. Deeper and deeper connection.
The first is what I'm going to call the conference,
and it's just a communication skill. And this
is one of those that I paid a lot of money for
that I'm going to give to you for free. Teresa
and I, I think in our early marriage counseling,
we'd have at least two or three of these conferences
a week. And then it got to be a pattern of how
we would talk. I mean, we couldn't communicate.
And we could not resolve conflict. And she was
a stuffer. And she had issues. She would stuff
it. And guess what happens to people who stuff
their emotions? They get depressed. And I was
a verbalizer. So I just frustrated her all the
time. I would walk around the bed at night saying,
the sun can't go down until we resolve this conflict.
And quote verses to her. And she would put her
head over her pillow and just think, who is this
wild man that I married? He's a nut. which was
absolutely true. So here's how it works. This
is how I learned it. Men, we're the leaders,
so we start. So I imagine, in my case, Teresa's
sitting across from me. You guys will have to
lean in. You make eye contact, body languages.
I'm actually listening, and I say to Teresa,
what are you concerned about? And then... I actually
do this literally in some cases, but we won't
do it literally. I put a piece of duct tape over
my mouth. I cannot respond. I can say anything
else. That's okay. Now, you're the woman. Here's
the deal. Whatever you're concerned about, it
doesn't have to be all serious. Anything that
comes to your mind. I'm concerned about our finances.
I'm concerned that we don't have a long -term
plan. I'm concerned about... That boy our daughter's
dating, I don't feel good about him. I'm concerned
that I feel so tired I think something might
be wrong. I'm concerned that you don't seem to
like your job anymore. Anything that comes to
your mind, okay? And men, here's what we do.
Mm -hmm, mm -hmm. You're not gonna fix anything.
Nothing. Now, what you'll find is the first time,
this could go a little bit long, and your wife
will probably have more words than you, but that's
okay. Then, ladies, You know, he takes the duct
tape off and you look in his eyes and say, what
are you concerned about? And guys, here's the
non -option. Oh, not that much. I'm good. And
you know what? Open your mouth. You know, I'm
concerned about that boy too, now that you think
about it. Now, guys, you can't repeat all of
her concerns. Could you just be honest? She is
dying to know what's in here. Anything that concerns
you. You know, I'm concerned that, you know,
since my ACL, I can't do what I used to do. I
can't play sports the way I used to. I'm concerned
that my best buddy is getting deployed and I'm
really, I know what that is like there and I'm
really concerned about it. I'm concerned about,
you know, whatever. Whatever comes, you're concerned.
I'm concerned about our marriage. I'm concerned
I'm not the man I want to be. I'm concerned whatever
it is, okay? Next question. You look at your
wife, duct tape replaced. By the way, ladies,
when he's talking, duct tape. We don't need,
oh, that's so bad. I'm so sorry. I'll take care
of you. You know, just listen. Then what do you
wish? And by the way, you don't have to keep
it so serious. Well, I wish we'd win the lotto.
I wish we'd go to Hawaii next week. I wish that
boy didn't date our daughter. I wish we could
have more talks like this. I wish we would have
a retreat like this once a year. I mean, literally,
if there was a little, you know, one of those
lamps, and you could wish and you could have
it, just say it. Whatever it is. And then we
switch it, and the man gets to do that. And then
you get the last question. And as a man, you
say to her, what are you willing to do? That's
the third question. Now, here's the rule. You
don't have to do anything. You don't have to
do anything. But here's, and then you ask him,
what are you willing to do? My first time is
I was so angry and so hurt. Here's the line.
I'm willing to have another one of these conferences.
That's all I'm willing to do right now. Because
there's just too much built up. And here's what
this does. You realize the average couple talks,
but says words and rarely gets into one another's
hearts because it's about kids, it's about logistics,
it's about stuff. Here's what you end up doing.
You end up, if you share your concerns, you're
getting to hear without interruption all the
things that are weighing the heart of the person
that you love. and committed your life to. And
then you get to hear things that would put some
wind in their sails, that would lift them up,
and it would encourage in them. And then, looking
at all of their burdens, and looking what would
give them a lift, you have the opportunity, and
you don't have to do it, because it's a free
act of will. You could lift a tiny burden if
you wanted to, or you could give a little lift.
And what happened is, you've actually communicated.
I'll never forget early on on this. I mean, she
was, I'm concerned about our boys and their homework
and their math, and it's so difficult and this
and this and that, and I feel overwhelmed. And
I remember saying, I mean, I was there like,
okay, I'm willing to take over all the math of
all of our kids, of all of their homework. I
like math. It's really easy. It comes good to
me. My dad was a math teacher. Are you kidding
me? I had no idea. I had no idea that that was
weighing her down. So I took that, and boy, their
world changed. Sorry, son, I can't read it. Do
it again. But Dad, you know what? Do it again.
They all got very good in math. And you know
what she told me later? She goes, I just felt
so loved. Well, I didn't even know it was weighing
her down. And so we do a couple of these or sometimes
three a week. And then, I mean, to this day,
sometimes we'll feel a little disconnected. And
we did it for years and years and years and years.
And we'll know we want to reconnect when we're
driving in the car and she might turn and go,
so what are you concerned about? And I realize,
okay, yeah, we probably need to do this. And
it's a great tool. And I would just encourage
you. It's about setting a new trajectory. It's
about going into training. You start communicating
like this on a regular basis, I'm going to tell
you. You're going to hear hurts and things that
you didn't know about, and you'll have the opportunity
to come in and express love in ways that are
really meaningful. And here's what's going to
happen. This, then this, then this, then this.
And is it going to be a little threatening? Well,
yeah. And by the way, okay, there's a couple
rules to this. Someone wrote me after I taught
this and said, well, what do you do if you share
all your concerns and my partner's not coming
in and stepping in and taking care of all the
concerns? Well, you know what? It's a communication
exercise. If you share all these things with
the expectation that if they don't respond the
way you want them to, guess who's still trying
to control the relationship? I mean, this is
a trust issue. Proverbs 21 .1, you might jot
it down. This is how you change your mate. The
king's heart is like channels of water in the
hand of the Lord. He turns it whatever way he
wishes. Okay? In other words, the most powerful
people in the world, if you want to change someone
over here, you talk to the king who can change
that heart. So if I can't get through to her,
and she will tell you the way she got through
to me was like this, up to God, down to me. Because
my heart and your mate's heart and her heart
are in the hand of God. And you can ask God to
speak to them. And this little communication
device is going to be very helpful. Let me give
you one more tool. I just call it the care list.
So here's the question. This one is not in your
notes, but you might wanna write it on the back
or something. It's really simple. It's I feel
most loved when you dot, dot, dot. And what I
want you to do is list three things. I feel most
loved when you call me for no reason. When you
initiate making love. When you. Take out the
trash and vacuum. When you lead spiritually.
When you don't nag me, but encourage me to get
some time away with my buddies when I really
need to be refreshed. I feel most loved when
you list your top three, okay? As a man, don't
show them to your wife. Ladies, you list your
top three. And then here's the assignment. You
take your list of your top three and you give
it to your husband. You take your list of top
three and you give it to your wife. And now,
you know what? We all wonder, how do I really
love my mate? Well, she just told you. Line them
up, knock them down. So this week, you know what?
I know the top three things. I'm going to do
one of those things in the next seven days for
my wife or for my husband this week. Well, I
don't feel like it. Tough. Jesus didn't feel
like going to the cross. He went. Love is a choice,
right? So now we're back to, now I've got a game
plan. I'm going to serve her in a way that makes
sense to her. I'm going to communicate in ways
and I'm going to hear her heart or I'm going
to hear his heart and we're going to go on a
journey because guess what now? Now I know how
to serve. I know what we need to plan about because
now I know where the weights and the hurts are
and I know where the joys would be. And so now
I know the top three things that make them feel
loved, and I'm just going to make a plan to do
that. Got it? According to Jesus, he who has
ears to hear, let him hear. What he meant by
that is, are you going to act on what I have
just said and trust me to the point of obeying
me? And if you do, I will show up in your life.
And if you don't, even the truth you think you
have is going to get taken away. I think you
guys are going to act on it and you're going
to see God work. This is Living on the Edge with
Chip Ingram, and we're in our series called Choosing
Love. If you're ready to turn today's challenge
into lasting change, Chip's newest book, I Choose
Love, gives you the practical roadmap you need.
It doesn't just tell you what to do. It shows
you how to do it. You'll learn to recognize the
subtle ways pride and selfishness sabotage your
relationships. You'll discover practical exercises
to develop genuine humility. And you'll see how
choosing agape love, the sacrificial, others
-focused love of God, transforms even your most
difficult relationships. I Choose Love addresses
the real issues we all face. The tendency to
need the last word, the subtle belief that our
perspective is the truth, the grandiosity that
shows up in small ways like chronic lateness.
Chip gets brutally honest about his own struggles,
and he shows you the path forward. If you're
tired of broken relationships and ready to experience
love that actually works, get your copy of I
Choose Love today. Visit livingontheedge .org.
And friend, this Bible teaching program is reaching
you and countless others because of the faithful
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Would you join us? Visit livingontheedge .org
to give or just call us at 888 -333 -6003. Well,
that wraps up today's episode. Don't miss the
next Bible teaching message coming up here on
the Chip Ingram Sermon Podcast. Today's program
is produced and sponsored by Living on the Edge.