Today on Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.
We all make mistakes in our marriages. We say
hurtful things. We act in unkind ways. We create
walls between us and the one we pledge to love.
Till death do us part. When all that happens,
how do you resolve failure and restore the peace?
That's what we're going to talk about today.
Stay with me. What's something you're ashamed
of? It's a hard question, but an honest one.
I'm Dave Drewy, and today on Living on the Edge,
Chip Ingram reveals why shame keeps us stuck,
hiding, numbing the pain, or desperately trying
to compensate. In our series, Choosing Love,
we've learned to serve, plan, and connect. But
none of that works if we're carrying unhealed
shame. Today, Chip takes us to John chapter 21,
where Jesus restores Peter after his devastating
betrayal. Here's the key. Until you experience
that same restoration, you can't fully forgive
your mate. Well, now here's Chip Ingram with
today's message titled, Forgiving, How to Restore
Your Peace. As we get started, I'm going to ask
you to answer a question, not out loud for sure
on this one. But I want you to think honestly
and very deeply. What is something in your past?
or in your present that you're ashamed of. We
all have some things like that. We have shame
for three major reasons, according to the experts.
One is a theological reason. We all have shame.
The fall. Remember, after sin, what did Adam
do? What did Adam and Eve do? They hid. But it
gets worse because it's not just shame that we
inherit from the fall, but it's shame. from things
done to us. And isn't it a weird thing? Over
and over and over, you can tell kids forever
that, oh, it's not your fault. Kids who go through
divorce blame themselves. Women and children
that are abused blame themselves. People that
are rejected unfairly have shame. And then there's
the third level of shame. It's things that we
do. The affair. The addiction, the explosive
anger, the cheating. When you're the abuser,
crime, jail, prison, the abortion, the list can
go on. There's about three natural responses.
Response number one is to hide. Response number
two is to numb the pain. And the other is to
compensate. I'll prove to myself and to others
somehow. And it can come out in workaholism or
some way that you're going to prove and somehow
balance the scales and do good for all the things
that are hidden inside. And yet, here's what
I want to tell you. It's one thing to be forgiven.
And I think most of you, I pray all of you, have
come to the point where whatever you've done
and whatever you've recognized, you've... come
to a living God and said, I know I don't measure
up. I want to trust fully in what Christ did
on the cross for me and he paid for my sin and
I've received that free gift and I've invited
him into my life. But there's a difference between
being forgiven and being restored. There's a
lot of people who have been legally forgiven.
Your sins are forgiven. but you live as a second
-class citizen or you're numbing yourself or
you have big walls between you and your mate
and other people. And it's not an accident that
when you read John chapter 21, Peter, shortly,
the day of the resurrection, Jesus did a quick
one -on -one with him. And he walked in a room
with Peter and the disciples there. And I'm sure
he looked Peter in the eye. Yes, you betrayed
me. You did it publicly. You were arrogant. And
I think he got forgiveness, but he didn't get
restoration. He had this, oh, I understand this
up here, but my life's a mess. I don't know what
to do with my life. I don't think I've got anything
going for me anymore. His shame was never dealt
with. And in John chapter 21, Jesus sets up a
unique situation. To help Peter go from being
simply forgiven to be restored. Because here's
the thing. You can't forgive and connect with
other people unless you forgive and get restored
yourself. So open your Bibles to John chapter
21. And as you do, let me give you the context.
Jesus has appeared now twice officially to all
the disciples. They were commanded to go wait
for him in Galilee. Think about it. It's familiar.
It's safe. It's the home to a number of the disciples.
It's where many of them were called. It's where
they were called into ministry to follow Jesus.
Peter, like many of us, is not very good at waiting.
We know from Luke 24 that he's had an encounter
with Jesus, and I can't imagine Jesus not forgiving
him in that moment. But he's still the leader
because he decides that, you know what, I don't
know what to do with my life, so this is what
we all do. I'm going to default back to what
I know. Under pressure, we all default back to
where we're comfortable and what we know. So
he basically says, I'm going to go fishing. And
the six other guys, well, if you're going, I
guess we'll go with you. We pick up the story,
John 21. Afterward, Jesus appeared again to his
disciples by the Sea of Tiberias. That's Galilee.
It happened in this way. Simon Peter, Thomas,
called Didymus, Nathanael from Cana in Galilee,
the sons of Zebedee, James and John, and two
other disciples were together. I'm going to go
out and fish, Simon Peter told them, and they
said, we'll go with you. So they went out and
got into the boat, but that night they caught
nothing. Early in the morning, Jesus stood on
the shore, but the disciples did not realize
that it was him. He called out to them, friends,
have you any fish? Literally the word is lads
or children. It's a term of affection by someone
a bit older and a bit wiser. No, they answered.
He said, throw your net on the right side of
the boat and you will find some. When they did,
they were unable to haul in the net because of
the large number of fish. Then the disciple whom
Jesus loved, John, said to Peter, It is the Lord.
And as soon as Peter heard him say, It is the
Lord, he wrapped his outer garment around him,
for he had taken it off, and he jumped into the
water. And the other disciples followed in the
boat, pulling the full net of fish. For they
were not far from the shore, about 100 yards.
When they landed, they saw a fire of burning
coals with fish on it and some bread. Jesus said
to them, bring some of the fish that you've caught.
Simon Peter climbed aboard and dragged the net
ashore. It was full of large fish, 153. But even
with so many, the net did not break. Jesus said
to them, come, have breakfast. None of the disciples
dared to ask him, who are you? For they knew
it was the Lord. Jesus came, took the bread,
gave it to them, did the same with the fish.
This is now the third time Jesus appeared to
his disciples after he'd been raised from the
dead. Now notice, first of all, Peter has gone
back to where he's comfortable, dealing with
life the only way he knows how. Jesus picks an
opportune time. and he's going to have a conversation.
Notice the conversation doesn't start with, hey,
let's go deep right now. And by the way, this
isn't a little betrayal. Remember, this is the
guy in front of his buddies. Hey, they all might
desert you, not me. Except instead of betrayal,
what's he doing? Come and have breakfast. I'm
for you. All the fear, all the arms crossed,
all the sense of shame. You don't measure up.
You're a loser. How could you betray me? It's
not that. Let's eat some fish. It's conversation.
And long before they were experts or psychologists,
Jesus is walking him back through the very journey.
But this time it's with grace. This time it's
with, I understand. This time, yes, you're fallen.
Yes, you betrayed me. And yes, I love you. And
it doesn't define you. But he doesn't stop there.
Because it's not enough to relive the experience.
Psychologists can do that with us. Only God can
do what happens next. You're listening to Living
on the Edge with Chip Ingram. And there's more
coming up in just a moment. If you missed any
part of today's message, or if you'd like to
share it with a friend, you can find it anytime
online at livingontheedge .org. And while you're
there, you'll also discover a full library of
Chip's teaching series, small group resources,
and practical tools to help strengthen your relationships.
Take advantage of all we have available at livingontheedge
.org. Well, now back to our message. When they
finished eating, Jesus said to Peter, Simon,
son of John, do you truly love me more than these?
Yes, Lord, he said, you know I love you. Feed
my lambs. Again, Jesus said, Simon, son of John,
do you truly love me? And he answered, yes, Lord,
you know I love you. And Jesus said, you know,
take care of my sheep. The third time he said
to him, Simon, son of John, do you love me? And
Peter was hurt because he asked him a third time,
do you love me? And he said, Lord, you know all
things. You know that I love you. And Jesus said,
feed my sheep. And then he goes on to tell him,
I tell you the truth, that when you were younger,
you dressed yourself, you went where you wanted,
but when you were old, you will stretch out your
hands and someone else will dress you and lead
you where you do not want to go. And Jesus said
this to indicate the kind of death in which Peter
would glorify God. Then don't miss the next line.
Then he said to him, follow me. Remember the
last time he said, follow me? Peter, you're back
on the team. And then how many times did he deny
him? How many questions does he get? I mean,
you think it's accidental? Now scholars will
tell you, and many of you probably heard messages,
it's interesting. The first two times he says,
do you agape me? Do you agape me? Unconditional,
I mean, full court press, love me unconditionally.
And Peter answers, you know the facts. I love
you. Do you love me? And you know, the way you
claim to be agape? Peter answers, you know the
facts. And finally, Jesus changes it. Do you
phileo me? Do you love me like family? You know,
when you love like family, you mess up in families,
don't you? Families are where it's safe to mess
up. Families are where we accept that one another
are human. He says, do you love me like a brother?
And like brothers and sisters and families, we're
going to give it our best shot, and there's going
to be times where we let one another down. But
when we do as families, you come and you own
your stuff, and you say, I'm so sorry, and it's
not an end to it. And Peter, interestingly, changes,
and he says, you know, Gnosko, you know, By way
of experience. You look into my heart. You know
my journey. And so his first assignment is, I
want you, because of what you've now experienced,
I want you to be vulnerable and tender with people
that are vulnerable, lambs. I want you to feed
them. Second time, I want you to take care of
my sheep. It's leadership. I want you to be responsible.
And then finally, I want you to feed my sheep.
I want you to be the kind of leader that I called
you in the very beginning and that these six
men that are around this fire are looking you
to be. And I want you to follow me with your
head up because you're not only forgiven, you're
restored. And that broken betrayer had to relive
his moment, the worst moment of his life. But
he received both truth and grace. And it brought
healing inside. And that's what some of you need.
Notice in your notes the principles. Three principles
flow out of this passage for us. The first one
is Jesus meets us where we are. Second thing
that comes out of this passage is he gently demands
that we face the truth about ourselves. Did you
notice? I mean, he was as gentle and he had a
meal and he reminded him. But did you notice?
It wasn't words of condemnation. They were questions
of discovery. The third principle that comes
out of this is that he affirms, Jesus affirms
our value. and our worthiness by commissioning
us to service. It's one thing to hear words.
It's, I want to use you. He wants to use you.
your horrendous difficulty, experience, betrayal,
sin, a lie that you committed, a crime that no
one knows about. I always wish sometimes, especially
in church, when people, you know, they look so
cleaned up on the outside, you know? And I get
to know them all through the week and I would
just love like their top five sins without their
names, like have this huge board behind me and
like, and all of our sins go up in multi -colors.
Wouldn't that be cool? And then maybe have, you
know how they do those visuals where maybe like
red would come over and it would be the blood
of Christ and the cross would emerge and it would
just go down through and cover them. And then
we would look at each other and say, I guess
we don't have to pretend anymore. I guess we
can just be ourselves. I guess we're all now
saints, children of God, forgiven with wounds
and scars and pain and difficulty and brokenness.
And what if God actually causes his power to
be perfected out of our brokenness and out of
our hurt and out of our failure? Because that's
where he takes us and puts us on the mantle of
his grace. Practical implications, and this gets
to your marriage, is that you can't forgive your
mate until you've received both forgiveness and
restoration. There's something I don't know about
the human psyche. When you got unresolved issues
in you, when it's the classic parable, the log
in your eye, the speck, right? Man, it is amazing.
When we have stuff inside. It is so easy to see
in someone else. And the person that lives close
to you, right, you nag and she does that and
he does that and he's like that. A lot of our
anger and a lot of that outward focus is because
of the big log that we don't deal with. And you
would be shocked at what would happen if you
received both God's forgiveness and his restoration
of how that would allow you. Remember what Jesus
said to the disciples? Freely you've received,
freely give. But see, if you haven't deeply and
fully received, you're pretty judgmental. You're
pretty high on the truth and the judgmental instead
of the mercy. I don't know if you pray the Lord's
Prayer. I pray often when I wake up, I kind of
go through Psalm 23 before I get out of bed and
I ponder what that is. And then I kind of phrase
by phrase often as I lay there, because I want
to, before I get bombarded in email or thoughts
or problems, I want to, our Father. God, you're
my Father today. You're in heaven. You're a sovereign
God. Holy God, I want your name to be cherished
in my mind and my thoughts. Give me this day
what I need, not just physically, but the daily
bread of truth and everything. Forgive me of
my sins, please, today as I forgive those who
trespass against me. Lord, please, you know the
meetings, you know the places. Guard me and lead
me away from temptation. And I pray through that.
But you know what's one of the big prayers? You're
going to forgive as you have been forgiven. You
know, for some of you, the reason you're so critical
and you can't resolve conflict in your marriage
is you got stuff. You're holding on to all kind
of stuff. You must learn to receive and grant
forgiveness as a regular rhythm of your life.
And if you turn on the back of your notes, I
want to give you a tool, Ephesians 4, 32. You'll
need to look that up. I highly encourage you
to memorize it. But be kind to one another, tenderhearted,
forgiving one another also, just as Christ forgave
you. Be kind. Here's the key, tenderhearted,
forgiving each other. How? Just as Christ has
forgiven you. You know how he forgave you? Exactly
the same way he forgave Peter. And until that
happens, you will not release and forgive your
mate. Dealing with your own guilt and shame under
practical steps, number four, it says, what do
you need to do to take, fully forgive your mate
and put the past behind you, you can write this
under here, is deal with your own guilt and shame.
I don't know what that looks like. And it might
be a tough journey. In many cases, it'll require
some professional help. Second is experience
God's forgiveness and restoration. Only you know
where you're at on that. And then as you do that,
freely give what you've received. The reason
I don't want to forgive my wife or anyone is
I feel like if I forgive them, I'm letting them
off the hook and I want them to pay for what
they did to me. At the heart of the lack of forgiveness
is vengeance. And God says, vengeance is mine.
I will repay, says the Lord. If your enemy's
hungry, feed him. If he's thirsty, give him a
drink. Do not be overcome with evil, but overcome
evil with good. That's the end of Romans 12.
And when you can realize, oh, ask, has God given
you what you deserve? And you think, oh no, he's
been merciful. Then you can't turn around and
do anything but give mercy first to your mate
and others what they don't deserve. This is Living
on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Today we heard
how Jesus didn't just forgive Peter. He walked
him through complete restoration, affirming his
value and commissioning him back to service.
Chip will share one final thought in just a moment.
And speaking of restoration, Chip's newest book,
I Choose Love, addresses the heart of what we
discussed today. This biblical love from Philippians
2 frees you to extend genuine forgiveness and
mercy to others. It's the kind of love that transforms
your ability to restore relationships. If you're
ready to move beyond shallow definitions of love
and experience the depth of biblical agape love,
order I Choose Love today by going to our website,
livingontheedge .org. You know, messages like
today's reach millions of people because partners
like you invest in life -changing biblical teaching.
Your support helps people break free from shame
and experience the restoration that transforms
marriages. Will you join us in this mission?
Support this work today by giving a donation
online at livingontheedge .org or write to Living
on the Edge, P .O. Box 3007, Atlanta, Georgia
30024. You can also call 888 -333 -6003. Don't
miss the Chip Ingram Sermon Podcast, a new feature
on the Living on the Edge podcast. Every sermon,
complete and unedited, now available alongside
our daily broadcasts. Subscribe to the Living
on the Edge podcast today. Well, now here's Chip.
Before we go any farther in today's broadcast,
I want to pause. I want to talk to those of you
who feel exactly the way that I ended this teaching
time with. Ashamed, you won't let people in,
you failed. I'm speaking to those of you that
are in a crisis in your marriage. One of you
has been caught with pornography, or you've had
an affair, or you've lied to your mate. And shame
and all the emotions and the betrayal and the
hurt. And if you could turn back the clock, you
would do it in a minute. And you're so sorry,
but you feel so stuck. You feel like there's
no hope. I want to remind you that Peter felt
exactly that same way. That Jesus is modeling,
this is how you treat the people that you love.
You don't gloss it over. You don't pretend it
didn't happen. You walk back through that process,
but you walk it through with grace, with understanding,
with forgiveness. You need to fully and completely
receive that yourself. If you're the one that
blew it big time, let me encourage you, go to
your pastor, go to a really good Christian counselor,
and walk through and work through this process.
The Bible is filled and history is filled and
my ministry of over 35 years is filled. with
people who blew it in such big ways, but who
received God's forgiveness. And he actually took
their mistake. And in his grace and kindness,
literally has the power over a journey that you'll
walk through to bring healing, to bring restoration.
And you will actually find yourself in the years
to come being a conduit of life and of grace
to those who feel like there's no hope for them.
Could I encourage you in this moment, cry out
to God, ask for his help, allow your mate in,
get the help that you need, do the hard work
that it will require. But understand this, your
mistake cannot define you. Failure is never final
because we live with a God of unconditional love
and grace that is beyond anything you can imagine.
Don't give up. In our next broadcast, I'll give
you some very, very practical and specific steps
to go through this process. Till then, God bless
you and keep pressing ahead. I'm Dave Drewy,
and we'll see you again tomorrow as we continue
learning the powerful difference between forgiveness
and restoration. That's tomorrow on Living on
the Edge with Chip Ingram. Today's program is
produced and sponsored by Living on the Edge.