Today on Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.
Most marriages don't break apart. They drift
apart. Relationships need connection to stay
healthy and alive. Today we're going to learn
how to create connection and experience real
joy that keeps your marriage alive. Stay with
me. Welcome to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.
I'm Dave Drewy. And today we're continuing our
series Choosing Love with powerful practical
communication tools. Last time, Chip taught us
from John chapter 15, where Jesus uses the metaphor
of the vine and branches to explain how to stay
connected, first to him, then to one another.
Today, Chip applies those biblical principles
of connection directly to marriage, starting
with principle number one. You cannot impart
what you do not possess. If you've been going
through the motions but missing real connection,
these practical exercises can transform your
relationship. Well, here's Chip with today's
message. Principle number one is you can't impart
what you do not possess. We must abide in him
to have his love to give to our mate. Right?
I mean, I don't get up and read a couple chapters
or three chapters or a small book or a little
paragraph of the Bible in the morning and go,
wow, man, two chapters a day keeps the devil
away. Glad I got that done. And so my point is,
as you stay connected, as you're in his word,
as you talk to him from the heart, as you have
some guy friends if you're a guy and some girlfriends
if you're a gal, and if you have some couples
if you're a couple, that you build into one another's
life so that Jesus living in them, right? Faith
is as much caught as taught. And as you abide,
then... You have this capacity because you're
receiving his love to give it away. Second is
connection is built on communication. Right?
My words abide in you and you abide in my word.
Connection is built on faithfulness and obedience.
He that keeps my commandments, he that loves
me. If you abide in my love, just as I abide
in my Father's love. And then I think he used
this picture for a reason. Communication takes
time. You gotta be faithful and you gotta respond.
You have to talk, you have to listen. And it's
not just with the Father. Now, this is with our
mates. You can't microwave a relationship. There's
just no substitute for time. And it's not time
where you're multitasking. It's not time when
ESPN is on or someone's watching the news or
it's not time when both people are semi on their
phone. It's time where all of you is focused
on all of him or all of her and the goal is to
connect. And if you don't connect, if you don't
abide, then what do you do? You drift. And part
of the... The deep sense in your soul where you
feel a together. It's a sense of we are going
through life. It's a sense of strength. It's
a sense of can't you have great joy in the midst
of even challenges when you really feel like
you're in it together? Haven't you been through
that? And circumstances can be great and yet
you're not connected and still life isn't working.
Connecting is about renewing your heart. And
we live in a world filled with drift and distractions.
What's the plan to stay connected? Well, the
key, I think, is communication. Third principle
is joy is the fruit or the overflow of connection
with Christ and with one another. And I will
tell you, it'll sustain you. I've been through
lots of ups and downs in our life and ministry
ups and downs and betrayals and difficulties.
And Teresa and I, eight or nine years ago, went
through cancer together that she went through.
And I can tell you, when you're connected to
God and you're connected to one another, you
can go after a radiation treatment and pull up
to a Starbucks and get a cup of coffee. And then
get one little of those oatmeal cookies and let
them heat it up and break it in half. And you
can sit in the car together and you can share
it and she can be absolutely exhausted and you
cannot know, is this going to work or not? And
you can think I'm the luckiest, blessed man in
the life. And I don't know how many more days
or months or years I'm going to have with her.
But I love her so much. And it was easy to cancel
every speaking engagement for the year. It was
easy to tell the person that I was supposed to
write a book that, guess what? You want the money
back from the advance? You can have the money
back. I'm not going to write a book. I'm not
going to go speak anywhere. I'm going to be with
her. And we're going to go to every appointment
together. And I would never want to go through
it again. But I will tell you, in the midst of
that difficulty and that pain, there was a love
that we experienced and a connection. Because
you really, when you start thinking, I may not
have this person very long. I'll tell you what,
it changes how you think. It changes how you
talk. It changes how you think about. I'll tell
you what, you want a little exercise? Pretend
your mate has cancer and has about 60 or 90 days
to live and treat them like you only have 60
or 90 more days with them. That'll shake up your
relationship. I remember. reading about a lady
who was having a marriage. Her husband was a
type A, very busy, pretty insensitive business
guy. And she had tried, you know, different ways,
you know, classic ways to, you know, we need
to spend more time together and, you know, we
need to do this and we need to do that. And the
nagging wasn't working. And so she had read something
about, you know, winning your husband without
a word from 1 Peter 3. And so she decides they're
going to go on vacation. for a whole week, she's
just going to try this absolutely counterintuitive
of loving her husband in ways in his love language.
And so she does it day one, day two, day three,
you know, and he usually does certain things
that she's, you know, hey, we came all the way
here and you want to go do that? And she goes,
oh no, that's great. And so she goes through
the whole thing. They get to day six and they're
ready to go home. And he said, honey, we need
to talk. And she got, oh my gosh, I wonder what's
wrong. And he said, is everything okay? And she
said, well, why? He said, well, you know, I know
you saw the doctor a couple weeks or so before,
you know, our vacation. I mean, are you going
to die? And she goes, no. He goes, well, you've
been treating me in such a way like I thought
maybe you thought you were going to die and were
just being super good to me. And she tells the
story that the lights came on and what he realized
was How have I missed this in our relationship
for so long? You know what it is? It's connection.
Ask yourself, what is keeping you disconnected
from your mate? For men, it's often your work.
For women, it's often your children. And for
all of you, it's often your phone. and your laptop
and your Netflix and your filling your life with
things to medicate your loneliness. It can be
hobbies. Because you know, if you're going to
be really connected, that means you're going
to have to let someone see who you are and what's
really going on. And it's taken me decades to
realize. Being open and real and even sharing
weaknesses appropriately open the door for other
people to realize there's hope for all of us.
But that's gotta begin in your marriage. Here's
the key. Focus on how do we get connected at
a deeper level? Practical implications, our personal
walk with God is critical to a great marriage.
That was pretty easy, wasn't it? If you wanna
have a great marriage, go vertical first. Whatever
you need to do to walk closely with God, be in
his word, have some men in your life or some
women in your life, some accountability, some
fellowship, some encouragement. Second is communication
skill and practice is the key to a joyful marriage.
You have to learn to communicate. And it's a
skill and you have to practice it. And third,
the connection is of the mind, the body, the
emotions, and the spirit. And so in other words,
you have to learn to intellectually communicate,
you have to learn to have spiritual connection,
you have to learn to have emotional connection,
and then you have to figure out ways to have
regular bodily connection. There's something
very powerful that God has made when a man and
a woman make love that build a bond and a communication
of a nonverbal type that does something in your
heart. But if the others aren't a part of it,
a woman normally will feel used instead of being
connected and loved and cherished. You're listening
to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and there's
more coming up in just a moment. If you missed
any part of today's message, or if you'd like
to share it with a friend, you can find it anytime
online at livingontheedge .org. And while you're
there, you'll also discover a full library of
Chip's teaching series, small group resources,
and practical tools to help strengthen your relationships.
Take advantage of all we have available at livingontheedge
.org. Well, now back to our message. And so let
me give you two or three tools to begin to build
Deeper and deeper connection. The first is what
I'm going to call the conference, and it's just
a communication skill. And this is one of those
that I paid a lot of money for that I'm going
to give to you for free. Teresa and I, I think
in our early marriage counseling, we'd have at
least two or three of these conferences a week.
And then it got to be a pattern of how we would
talk. I mean, we couldn't communicate. And we
could not resolve conflict. And she was a stuffer.
And she had issues. She would stuff it. And guess
what happens to people who stuff their emotions?
They get depressed. And I was a verbalizer. So
I just frustrated her all the time. I would walk
around the bed at night saying, the sun can't
go down until we resolve this conflict. And quote
verses to her. And she would put her head over
her pillow and just think, who is this wild man
that I married? He's a nut. Which was absolutely
true. So here's how it works. This is how I learned
it. Men, we're the leaders, so we start. So imagine,
in my case, Teresa's sitting across from me.
You guys will have to lean in. You make eye contact.
Body languages, I'm actually listening. And I
say to Teresa, what are you concerned about?
And then, I actually do this literally in some
cases, but we won't do it literally. I put a
piece of duct tape over my mouth. I cannot respond.
I can say anything else. That's okay. Now, you're
the woman. Here's the deal. Whatever you're concerned
about, it doesn't have to be all serious. Anything
that comes to your mind. I'm concerned about
our finances. I'm concerned that we don't have
a long -term plan. I'm concerned about... That
boy our daughter's dating, I don't feel good
about him. I'm concerned that I feel so tired
I think something might be wrong. I'm concerned
that you don't seem to like your job anymore.
Anything that comes to your mind, okay? And men,
here's what we do. You're not going to fix anything.
Nothing. Now, what you'll find is the first time,
this could go a little bit long, and your wife
will probably have more words than you, but that's
okay. Then, ladies, You know, he takes the duct
tape off, and you look in his eyes and say, what
are you concerned about? And guys, here's the
non -option. Oh, not that much. I'm good. And
you know what? Open your mouth. You know, I'm
concerned about that boy too, now that you think
about it. Now, guys, you can't repeat all of
her concerns. Could you just be honest? She is
dying to know what's in here. Anything that concerns
you. I'm concerned that since my ACL, I can't
do what I used to do. I can't play sports the
way I used to. I'm concerned about whatever.
Next question. You look at your wife, duct tape
replaced. By the way, ladies, when he's talking,
duct tape. We don't need, oh, that's so bad.
I'm so sorry. I'll take care of you. You know,
just listen. Then what do you wish? And by the
way, you don't have to keep it so serious. Well,
I wish we'd win the lotto. I wish we'd go to
Hawaii next week. I wish that boy didn't date
our daughter. I wish we could have more talks
like this. I wish we would have a retreat like
this once a year. I just, I mean, literally,
if there was a little, you know, one of those
lamps and you could wish and you could have it.
Just say it, whatever it is. And then we switch
it and the man gets to do that. And then you
get the last question. And as a man, you say
to her, what are you willing to do? That's the
third question. Now here's the rule. You don't
have to do anything. You don't have to do anything.
But here's, and then you ask him, what are you
willing to do? My first time is I was so angry
and so hurt. Here's mine. I'm willing to have
another one of these conferences. That's all
I'm willing to do right now. Because there's
just too much built up. And here's what this
does. You realize the average couple talks, but
says words and rarely... gets into one another's
hearts because it's about kids, it's about logistics,
it's about stuff. Here's what you end up doing.
You end up, if you share your concerns, you're
getting to hear, without interruption, all the
things that are weighing the heart of the person
that you love and committed your life to. And
then you get to hear things that would... put
some wind in their sails that would lift them
up and it would encourage in them. And then looking
at all of their burdens and looking what would
give them a lift, you have the opportunity and
you don't have to do it because it's a free act
of will. You could lift a tiny burden if you
wanted to, or you could give a little lift. And
again, what happened is you've actually communicated.
I'll never forget early on on this. I mean, she
was, I'm concerned about our boys and their homework
and their math and it's so difficult and this
and this and that and I feel overwhelmed. And
I remember saying, I mean, I was there like,
okay, I'm willing to take over all the math of
all of our kids of all of their homework. I like
math. It's really easy. It comes good to me.
My dad was a math teacher. Are you kidding me?
I had no idea. I had no idea that that was weighing
her down. So I took that, and boy, their world
changed. Sorry, son, I can't read it. Do it again.
But Dad, you know what? Do it again. They all
got very good in math. And you know what she
told me later? She goes, I just felt so loved.
Well, I didn't even know it was weighing her
down. And so we do like a couple of these or
sometimes three a week. And then, I mean, to
this day, you know, sometimes we'll feel a little
disconnected. And, you know, we did it for years
and years and years and years. And we'll, you
know, we'll know we want to reconnect when, you
know, we're driving in the car and she might
turn and go, so what are you concerned about?
And I realize, okay, yeah, we probably need to
do this, you know. And it's a great tool. And
I would just encourage you. It's about setting
a new trajectory. It's about going into training.
You start communicating like this on a regular
basis, I'm going to tell you. You're going to
hear hurts and things that you didn't know about,
and you'll have the opportunity to come in and
express love in ways that are really meaningful.
And here's what's going to happen. This, then
this, then this, then this. And is it going to
be a little threatening? Well, yeah. And by the
way, okay, there's a couple rules to this. Someone
wrote me after I taught this and said, well,
what do you do if you share all your concerns
and my partner's not coming in and stepping in
and taking care of all the concerns? Well, you
know what? It's a communication exercise. If
you share all these things with the expectation
that if they don't respond the way you want them
to, guess who's still trying to control the relationship?
I mean, this is a trust issue. Proverbs 21 .1,
you might jot it down. This is how you change
your mate. The king's heart is like channels
of water in the hand of the Lord. He turns it
whatever way he wishes. Okay? In other words,
the most powerful people in the world, if you
want to change someone over here, you talk to
the king who can change that heart. So if I can't
get through to her, and she will tell you, the
way she got through to me was like this. Up to
God, down to me. Because my heart and your mate's
heart and her heart are in the hand of God. And
you can ask God to speak to them. And this little
communication device is going to be very helpful.
Let me give you one more tool. I just call it
the care list. So here's the question. This one
is not in your notes, but you might want to write
it on the back or something. It's really simple.
It's I feel most loved when you dot, dot, dot.
And what I want you to do is list three things.
I feel most loved when you call me for no reason.
When you initiate making love. When you take
out the trash and vacuum. When you lead spiritually.
When you don't nag me, but encourage me to get
some time away with my buddies when I really
need to be refreshed. I feel most loved when
you list your top three, okay? As a man, don't
show them to your wife. Ladies, you list your
top three. And then here's the assignment. You
take your list of your top three and you give
it to your husband. You take your list of top
three and you give it to your wife. And now,
you know what? We all wonder, how do I really
love my mate? Well, she just told you. Line them
up, knock them down. So this week, you know what?
I know the top three things. I'm going to do
one of those things in the next seven days for
my wife or for my husband this week. Well, I
don't feel like it. Tough. Jesus didn't feel
like going to the cross. He went. Love is a choice,
right? So now we're back to, now I've got a game
plan. I'm going to serve her in a way that makes
sense to her. I'm going to communicate in ways
and I'm going to hear her heart or I'm going
to hear his heart and we're going to go on a
journey because guess what now? Now I know how
to serve. I know what we need to plan about because
now I know where the weights and the hurts are
and I know where the joys would be. And so now
I know the top three things that make them feel
loved. And I'm just going to make a plan to do
that. Got it? According to Jesus, he who has
ears to hear, let him hear. What he meant by
that is, are you going to act on what I have
just said and trust me to the point of obeying
me? And if you do, I will show up in your life.
And if you don't, even the truth you think you
have is going to get taken away. I think you
guys are going to act on it and you're going
to see God work. This is Living on the Edge with
Chip Ingram, and we're in a series called Choosing
Love. Chip has one final thought to close today's
message in a minute, so stay with us. If you
want to go deeper into what biblical love truly
means, you need Chip's latest book, I Choose
Love. In this powerful resource, Chip reveals
that love isn't just something that might happen
to you someday. It's something you can choose
to experience and express. I Choose Love unpacks
agape love, the kind of love God has for people.
This love is characterized not by feelings or
romance, but by sacrifice and putting others'
best interests at heart. If you're ready to move
beyond the cultural definition of love and embrace
God's transforming agape love, order I Choose
Love today by going online to livingontheedge
.org. You know, teachings like we heard today
exist because partners like you believe in biblical
truth that transforms marriages. When you give
to Living on the Edge, you're helping couples
build the connection they're desperately searching
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unedited, delivered right to your phone. Well,
now once again, here's Chip. As we close today's
program. You know, I was just thinking, I wonder
if Home Depot or Ace Hardware or maybe some of
these stores where you just go in and buy duct
tape, wouldn't it be exciting if like they just
ran out? That literally thousands, tens of thousands
of you all listening to my voice would say, I'm
going to do that conference. I'm going to ask
those three questions. What are you concerned
about? What do you wish? What are you willing
to do? And then I'm literally going to put duct
tape over my mouth and I'm going to lean forward,
make eye contact, and then I'm going to really,
really listen. What I want you to know, as funny
as that sounds, in about 15 minutes, maybe 20,
you will hear more of your mate's burdens, their
dreams, and a specific way to love them than
talking for hours and hours. You know, we get
lots of emails and letters of people's lives
that are hurting and breaking apart. And we pray
as a staff every single day. And so many of the
prayers are around marriages that have drifted
or struggles or affairs or problems. But I have
to tell you, we also get lots of emails and letters
where people say to us, you know, we went through
the marriage that works or that series on experiencing
God's dream for your marriage. And we have to
tell you, our marriages come back together. Christ
is the center of it. It's completely healed.
It's better than ever before. So here's my plea.
Please do not simply listen to this. You have
to do it. You have to actually do this conference.
Put it on the calendar at least once a week for
the next three or four weeks. Three simple questions,
block off a half hour or 45 minutes away from
everyone else, and then jot me a note, chip at
livingontheedge .org, and let me know how it
goes. Ready to learn how unforgiveness steals
your peace and how to get it back? I'm Dave Drewy,
inviting you to listen tomorrow when Chip Ingram
reveals the surprising freedom that comes through
forgiveness, here on Living on the Edge. Today's
program is produced and sponsored by Living on
the Edge.