WEBVTT 00:00:11.439 --> 00:00:14.160 Today on Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. 00:00:14.259 --> 00:00:18.039 Most marriages don't break apart. They drift 00:00:18.039 --> 00:00:21.239 apart. Relationships need connection to stay 00:00:21.239 --> 00:00:23.739 healthy and alive. Today we're going to learn 00:00:23.739 --> 00:00:26.559 how to create connection and experience real 00:00:26.559 --> 00:00:29.640 joy that keeps your marriage alive. Stay with 00:00:29.640 --> 00:00:34.219 me. Welcome to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. 00:00:34.320 --> 00:00:36.920 I'm Dave Drewy. And today we're continuing our 00:00:36.920 --> 00:00:39.280 series Choosing Love with powerful practical 00:00:39.280 --> 00:00:42.659 communication tools. Last time, Chip taught us 00:00:42.659 --> 00:00:45.659 from John chapter 15, where Jesus uses the metaphor 00:00:45.659 --> 00:00:48.719 of the vine and branches to explain how to stay 00:00:48.719 --> 00:00:51.320 connected, first to him, then to one another. 00:00:51.619 --> 00:00:53.979 Today, Chip applies those biblical principles 00:00:53.979 --> 00:00:56.939 of connection directly to marriage, starting 00:00:56.939 --> 00:00:59.619 with principle number one. You cannot impart 00:00:59.619 --> 00:01:02.679 what you do not possess. If you've been going 00:01:02.679 --> 00:01:04.659 through the motions but missing real connection, 00:01:04.939 --> 00:01:07.980 these practical exercises can transform your 00:01:07.980 --> 00:01:10.480 relationship. Well, here's Chip with today's 00:01:10.480 --> 00:01:13.900 message. Principle number one is you can't impart 00:01:13.900 --> 00:01:18.819 what you do not possess. We must abide in him 00:01:18.819 --> 00:01:24.400 to have his love to give to our mate. Right? 00:01:25.480 --> 00:01:28.859 I mean, I don't get up and read a couple chapters 00:01:28.859 --> 00:01:31.319 or three chapters or a small book or a little 00:01:31.319 --> 00:01:32.939 paragraph of the Bible in the morning and go, 00:01:33.040 --> 00:01:35.799 wow, man, two chapters a day keeps the devil 00:01:35.799 --> 00:01:40.469 away. Glad I got that done. And so my point is, 00:01:40.569 --> 00:01:44.810 as you stay connected, as you're in his word, 00:01:45.049 --> 00:01:48.750 as you talk to him from the heart, as you have 00:01:48.750 --> 00:01:51.269 some guy friends if you're a guy and some girlfriends 00:01:51.269 --> 00:01:53.370 if you're a gal, and if you have some couples 00:01:53.370 --> 00:01:56.269 if you're a couple, that you build into one another's 00:01:56.269 --> 00:01:58.989 life so that Jesus living in them, right? Faith 00:01:58.989 --> 00:02:02.170 is as much caught as taught. And as you abide, 00:02:02.549 --> 00:02:07.760 then... You have this capacity because you're 00:02:07.760 --> 00:02:11.099 receiving his love to give it away. Second is 00:02:11.099 --> 00:02:15.860 connection is built on communication. Right? 00:02:16.860 --> 00:02:19.419 My words abide in you and you abide in my word. 00:02:20.819 --> 00:02:22.800 Connection is built on faithfulness and obedience. 00:02:23.460 --> 00:02:25.639 He that keeps my commandments, he that loves 00:02:25.639 --> 00:02:28.780 me. If you abide in my love, just as I abide 00:02:28.780 --> 00:02:31.759 in my Father's love. And then I think he used 00:02:31.759 --> 00:02:36.699 this picture for a reason. Communication takes 00:02:36.699 --> 00:02:42.599 time. You gotta be faithful and you gotta respond. 00:02:42.919 --> 00:02:45.740 You have to talk, you have to listen. And it's 00:02:45.740 --> 00:02:48.000 not just with the Father. Now, this is with our 00:02:48.000 --> 00:02:55.360 mates. You can't microwave a relationship. There's 00:02:55.360 --> 00:02:59.099 just no substitute for time. And it's not time 00:02:59.099 --> 00:03:03.240 where you're multitasking. It's not time when 00:03:03.240 --> 00:03:06.280 ESPN is on or someone's watching the news or 00:03:06.280 --> 00:03:08.620 it's not time when both people are semi on their 00:03:08.620 --> 00:03:12.979 phone. It's time where all of you is focused 00:03:12.979 --> 00:03:16.900 on all of him or all of her and the goal is to 00:03:16.900 --> 00:03:22.219 connect. And if you don't connect, if you don't 00:03:22.219 --> 00:03:26.500 abide, then what do you do? You drift. And part 00:03:26.500 --> 00:03:30.490 of the... The deep sense in your soul where you 00:03:30.490 --> 00:03:34.310 feel a together. It's a sense of we are going 00:03:34.310 --> 00:03:37.469 through life. It's a sense of strength. It's 00:03:37.469 --> 00:03:41.650 a sense of can't you have great joy in the midst 00:03:41.650 --> 00:03:44.409 of even challenges when you really feel like 00:03:44.409 --> 00:03:46.990 you're in it together? Haven't you been through 00:03:46.990 --> 00:03:51.889 that? And circumstances can be great and yet 00:03:51.889 --> 00:03:54.650 you're not connected and still life isn't working. 00:03:57.439 --> 00:04:00.460 Connecting is about renewing your heart. And 00:04:00.460 --> 00:04:03.680 we live in a world filled with drift and distractions. 00:04:04.360 --> 00:04:07.919 What's the plan to stay connected? Well, the 00:04:07.919 --> 00:04:10.900 key, I think, is communication. Third principle 00:04:10.900 --> 00:04:13.719 is joy is the fruit or the overflow of connection 00:04:13.719 --> 00:04:17.480 with Christ and with one another. And I will 00:04:17.480 --> 00:04:21.300 tell you, it'll sustain you. I've been through 00:04:21.300 --> 00:04:24.180 lots of ups and downs in our life and ministry 00:04:24.180 --> 00:04:27.379 ups and downs and betrayals and difficulties. 00:04:27.959 --> 00:04:30.660 And Teresa and I, eight or nine years ago, went 00:04:30.660 --> 00:04:32.680 through cancer together that she went through. 00:04:32.920 --> 00:04:37.279 And I can tell you, when you're connected to 00:04:37.279 --> 00:04:41.560 God and you're connected to one another, you 00:04:41.560 --> 00:04:44.600 can go after a radiation treatment and pull up 00:04:44.600 --> 00:04:48.089 to a Starbucks and get a cup of coffee. And then 00:04:48.089 --> 00:04:51.069 get one little of those oatmeal cookies and let 00:04:51.069 --> 00:04:53.910 them heat it up and break it in half. And you 00:04:53.910 --> 00:04:56.490 can sit in the car together and you can share 00:04:56.490 --> 00:04:58.870 it and she can be absolutely exhausted and you 00:04:58.870 --> 00:05:02.019 cannot know, is this going to work or not? And 00:05:02.019 --> 00:05:04.540 you can think I'm the luckiest, blessed man in 00:05:04.540 --> 00:05:06.639 the life. And I don't know how many more days 00:05:06.639 --> 00:05:09.139 or months or years I'm going to have with her. 00:05:09.279 --> 00:05:12.579 But I love her so much. And it was easy to cancel 00:05:12.579 --> 00:05:15.180 every speaking engagement for the year. It was 00:05:15.180 --> 00:05:17.379 easy to tell the person that I was supposed to 00:05:17.379 --> 00:05:19.620 write a book that, guess what? You want the money 00:05:19.620 --> 00:05:21.459 back from the advance? You can have the money 00:05:21.459 --> 00:05:23.480 back. I'm not going to write a book. I'm not 00:05:23.480 --> 00:05:25.540 going to go speak anywhere. I'm going to be with 00:05:25.540 --> 00:05:27.709 her. And we're going to go to every appointment 00:05:27.709 --> 00:05:30.050 together. And I would never want to go through 00:05:30.050 --> 00:05:32.230 it again. But I will tell you, in the midst of 00:05:32.230 --> 00:05:34.750 that difficulty and that pain, there was a love 00:05:34.750 --> 00:05:37.709 that we experienced and a connection. Because 00:05:37.709 --> 00:05:40.810 you really, when you start thinking, I may not 00:05:40.810 --> 00:05:44.180 have this person very long. I'll tell you what, 00:05:44.199 --> 00:05:46.000 it changes how you think. It changes how you 00:05:46.000 --> 00:05:48.459 talk. It changes how you think about. I'll tell 00:05:48.459 --> 00:05:50.519 you what, you want a little exercise? Pretend 00:05:50.519 --> 00:05:52.779 your mate has cancer and has about 60 or 90 days 00:05:52.779 --> 00:05:54.920 to live and treat them like you only have 60 00:05:54.920 --> 00:05:56.980 or 90 more days with them. That'll shake up your 00:05:56.980 --> 00:06:02.300 relationship. I remember. reading about a lady 00:06:02.300 --> 00:06:04.680 who was having a marriage. Her husband was a 00:06:04.680 --> 00:06:07.660 type A, very busy, pretty insensitive business 00:06:07.660 --> 00:06:10.699 guy. And she had tried, you know, different ways, 00:06:10.839 --> 00:06:12.819 you know, classic ways to, you know, we need 00:06:12.819 --> 00:06:14.839 to spend more time together and, you know, we 00:06:14.839 --> 00:06:16.879 need to do this and we need to do that. And the 00:06:16.879 --> 00:06:19.899 nagging wasn't working. And so she had read something 00:06:19.899 --> 00:06:21.620 about, you know, winning your husband without 00:06:21.620 --> 00:06:24.860 a word from 1 Peter 3. And so she decides they're 00:06:24.860 --> 00:06:28.449 going to go on vacation. for a whole week, she's 00:06:28.449 --> 00:06:31.970 just going to try this absolutely counterintuitive 00:06:31.970 --> 00:06:36.410 of loving her husband in ways in his love language. 00:06:36.670 --> 00:06:39.329 And so she does it day one, day two, day three, 00:06:39.410 --> 00:06:41.810 you know, and he usually does certain things 00:06:41.810 --> 00:06:43.750 that she's, you know, hey, we came all the way 00:06:43.750 --> 00:06:45.170 here and you want to go do that? And she goes, 00:06:45.209 --> 00:06:47.269 oh no, that's great. And so she goes through 00:06:47.269 --> 00:06:49.490 the whole thing. They get to day six and they're 00:06:49.490 --> 00:06:52.189 ready to go home. And he said, honey, we need 00:06:52.189 --> 00:06:54.990 to talk. And she got, oh my gosh, I wonder what's 00:06:54.990 --> 00:07:01.139 wrong. And he said, is everything okay? And she 00:07:01.139 --> 00:07:06.279 said, well, why? He said, well, you know, I know 00:07:06.279 --> 00:07:08.160 you saw the doctor a couple weeks or so before, 00:07:08.279 --> 00:07:11.259 you know, our vacation. I mean, are you going 00:07:11.259 --> 00:07:15.279 to die? And she goes, no. He goes, well, you've 00:07:15.279 --> 00:07:16.800 been treating me in such a way like I thought 00:07:16.800 --> 00:07:18.600 maybe you thought you were going to die and were 00:07:18.600 --> 00:07:23.079 just being super good to me. And she tells the 00:07:23.079 --> 00:07:25.620 story that the lights came on and what he realized 00:07:25.620 --> 00:07:29.620 was How have I missed this in our relationship 00:07:29.620 --> 00:07:32.740 for so long? You know what it is? It's connection. 00:07:35.540 --> 00:07:39.860 Ask yourself, what is keeping you disconnected 00:07:39.860 --> 00:07:46.879 from your mate? For men, it's often your work. 00:07:48.019 --> 00:07:52.420 For women, it's often your children. And for 00:07:52.420 --> 00:07:56.939 all of you, it's often your phone. and your laptop 00:07:56.939 --> 00:08:04.480 and your Netflix and your filling your life with 00:08:04.480 --> 00:08:09.279 things to medicate your loneliness. It can be 00:08:09.279 --> 00:08:13.019 hobbies. Because you know, if you're going to 00:08:13.019 --> 00:08:14.420 be really connected, that means you're going 00:08:14.420 --> 00:08:16.500 to have to let someone see who you are and what's 00:08:16.500 --> 00:08:20.759 really going on. And it's taken me decades to 00:08:20.759 --> 00:08:25.439 realize. Being open and real and even sharing 00:08:25.439 --> 00:08:27.879 weaknesses appropriately open the door for other 00:08:27.879 --> 00:08:30.319 people to realize there's hope for all of us. 00:08:30.839 --> 00:08:34.639 But that's gotta begin in your marriage. Here's 00:08:34.639 --> 00:08:37.720 the key. Focus on how do we get connected at 00:08:37.720 --> 00:08:42.799 a deeper level? Practical implications, our personal 00:08:42.799 --> 00:08:44.960 walk with God is critical to a great marriage. 00:08:45.100 --> 00:08:49.480 That was pretty easy, wasn't it? If you wanna 00:08:49.480 --> 00:08:53.019 have a great marriage, go vertical first. Whatever 00:08:53.019 --> 00:08:56.000 you need to do to walk closely with God, be in 00:08:56.000 --> 00:08:58.159 his word, have some men in your life or some 00:08:58.159 --> 00:09:00.519 women in your life, some accountability, some 00:09:00.519 --> 00:09:04.100 fellowship, some encouragement. Second is communication 00:09:04.100 --> 00:09:07.000 skill and practice is the key to a joyful marriage. 00:09:07.960 --> 00:09:11.440 You have to learn to communicate. And it's a 00:09:11.440 --> 00:09:15.860 skill and you have to practice it. And third, 00:09:15.980 --> 00:09:19.039 the connection is of the mind, the body, the 00:09:19.039 --> 00:09:21.960 emotions, and the spirit. And so in other words, 00:09:21.980 --> 00:09:24.799 you have to learn to intellectually communicate, 00:09:25.220 --> 00:09:27.539 you have to learn to have spiritual connection, 00:09:27.899 --> 00:09:30.059 you have to learn to have emotional connection, 00:09:30.340 --> 00:09:33.299 and then you have to figure out ways to have 00:09:33.299 --> 00:09:38.179 regular bodily connection. There's something 00:09:38.179 --> 00:09:42.960 very powerful that God has made when a man and 00:09:42.960 --> 00:09:46.480 a woman make love that build a bond and a communication 00:09:46.480 --> 00:09:49.580 of a nonverbal type that does something in your 00:09:49.580 --> 00:09:53.409 heart. But if the others aren't a part of it, 00:09:53.470 --> 00:09:57.549 a woman normally will feel used instead of being 00:09:57.549 --> 00:10:01.929 connected and loved and cherished. You're listening 00:10:01.929 --> 00:10:04.990 to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and there's 00:10:04.990 --> 00:10:07.429 more coming up in just a moment. If you missed 00:10:07.429 --> 00:10:09.450 any part of today's message, or if you'd like 00:10:09.450 --> 00:10:11.850 to share it with a friend, you can find it anytime 00:10:11.850 --> 00:10:15.690 online at livingontheedge .org. And while you're 00:10:15.690 --> 00:10:18.210 there, you'll also discover a full library of 00:10:18.210 --> 00:10:20.549 Chip's teaching series, small group resources, 00:10:20.690 --> 00:10:23.529 and practical tools to help strengthen your relationships. 00:10:24.090 --> 00:10:27.669 Take advantage of all we have available at livingontheedge 00:10:27.669 --> 00:10:31.629 .org. Well, now back to our message. And so let 00:10:31.629 --> 00:10:35.090 me give you two or three tools to begin to build 00:10:35.480 --> 00:10:38.259 Deeper and deeper connection. The first is what 00:10:38.259 --> 00:10:39.899 I'm going to call the conference, and it's just 00:10:39.899 --> 00:10:43.200 a communication skill. And this is one of those 00:10:43.200 --> 00:10:44.840 that I paid a lot of money for that I'm going 00:10:44.840 --> 00:10:50.139 to give to you for free. Teresa and I, I think 00:10:50.139 --> 00:10:52.480 in our early marriage counseling, we'd have at 00:10:52.480 --> 00:10:54.639 least two or three of these conferences a week. 00:10:55.120 --> 00:10:57.860 And then it got to be a pattern of how we would 00:10:57.860 --> 00:11:01.620 talk. I mean, we couldn't communicate. And we 00:11:01.620 --> 00:11:04.919 could not resolve conflict. And she was a stuffer. 00:11:04.940 --> 00:11:08.039 And she had issues. She would stuff it. And guess 00:11:08.039 --> 00:11:10.240 what happens to people who stuff their emotions? 00:11:10.500 --> 00:11:14.179 They get depressed. And I was a verbalizer. So 00:11:14.179 --> 00:11:17.100 I just frustrated her all the time. I would walk 00:11:17.100 --> 00:11:19.779 around the bed at night saying, the sun can't 00:11:19.779 --> 00:11:22.299 go down until we resolve this conflict. And quote 00:11:22.299 --> 00:11:26.279 verses to her. And she would put her head over 00:11:26.279 --> 00:11:29.259 her pillow and just think, who is this wild man 00:11:29.259 --> 00:11:32.200 that I married? He's a nut. Which was absolutely 00:11:32.200 --> 00:11:37.350 true. So here's how it works. This is how I learned 00:11:37.350 --> 00:11:40.750 it. Men, we're the leaders, so we start. So imagine, 00:11:41.090 --> 00:11:43.570 in my case, Teresa's sitting across from me. 00:11:44.730 --> 00:11:47.649 You guys will have to lean in. You make eye contact. 00:11:48.169 --> 00:11:50.490 Body languages, I'm actually listening. And I 00:11:50.490 --> 00:11:53.190 say to Teresa, what are you concerned about? 00:11:53.649 --> 00:11:56.470 And then, I actually do this literally in some 00:11:56.470 --> 00:11:59.309 cases, but we won't do it literally. I put a 00:11:59.309 --> 00:12:03.159 piece of duct tape over my mouth. I cannot respond. 00:12:03.440 --> 00:12:10.620 I can say anything else. That's okay. Now, you're 00:12:10.620 --> 00:12:13.779 the woman. Here's the deal. Whatever you're concerned 00:12:13.779 --> 00:12:16.559 about, it doesn't have to be all serious. Anything 00:12:16.559 --> 00:12:19.440 that comes to your mind. I'm concerned about 00:12:19.440 --> 00:12:21.879 our finances. I'm concerned that we don't have 00:12:21.879 --> 00:12:24.200 a long -term plan. I'm concerned about... That 00:12:24.200 --> 00:12:25.980 boy our daughter's dating, I don't feel good 00:12:25.980 --> 00:12:28.700 about him. I'm concerned that I feel so tired 00:12:28.700 --> 00:12:30.659 I think something might be wrong. I'm concerned 00:12:30.659 --> 00:12:32.919 that you don't seem to like your job anymore. 00:12:33.120 --> 00:12:35.700 Anything that comes to your mind, okay? And men, 00:12:35.860 --> 00:12:40.779 here's what we do. You're not going to fix anything. 00:12:42.059 --> 00:12:45.320 Nothing. Now, what you'll find is the first time, 00:12:45.360 --> 00:12:48.580 this could go a little bit long, and your wife 00:12:48.580 --> 00:12:50.659 will probably have more words than you, but that's 00:12:50.659 --> 00:12:54.860 okay. Then, ladies, You know, he takes the duct 00:12:54.860 --> 00:12:57.220 tape off, and you look in his eyes and say, what 00:12:57.220 --> 00:12:59.700 are you concerned about? And guys, here's the 00:12:59.700 --> 00:13:04.740 non -option. Oh, not that much. I'm good. And 00:13:04.740 --> 00:13:09.740 you know what? Open your mouth. You know, I'm 00:13:09.740 --> 00:13:11.480 concerned about that boy too, now that you think 00:13:11.480 --> 00:13:16.159 about it. Now, guys, you can't repeat all of 00:13:16.159 --> 00:13:21.700 her concerns. Could you just be honest? She is 00:13:21.700 --> 00:13:24.740 dying to know what's in here. Anything that concerns 00:13:24.740 --> 00:13:32.840 you. I'm concerned that since my ACL, I can't 00:13:32.840 --> 00:13:34.600 do what I used to do. I can't play sports the 00:13:34.600 --> 00:13:37.440 way I used to. I'm concerned about whatever. 00:13:39.100 --> 00:13:41.759 Next question. You look at your wife, duct tape 00:13:41.759 --> 00:13:44.379 replaced. By the way, ladies, when he's talking, 00:13:44.539 --> 00:13:48.049 duct tape. We don't need, oh, that's so bad. 00:13:48.090 --> 00:13:50.370 I'm so sorry. I'll take care of you. You know, 00:13:50.389 --> 00:13:54.950 just listen. Then what do you wish? And by the 00:13:54.950 --> 00:13:56.610 way, you don't have to keep it so serious. Well, 00:13:56.690 --> 00:13:59.649 I wish we'd win the lotto. I wish we'd go to 00:13:59.649 --> 00:14:03.610 Hawaii next week. I wish that boy didn't date 00:14:03.610 --> 00:14:07.210 our daughter. I wish we could have more talks 00:14:07.210 --> 00:14:09.929 like this. I wish we would have a retreat like 00:14:09.929 --> 00:14:13.929 this once a year. I just, I mean, literally, 00:14:14.029 --> 00:14:16.750 if there was a little, you know, one of those 00:14:16.750 --> 00:14:18.850 lamps and you could wish and you could have it. 00:14:18.870 --> 00:14:24.789 Just say it, whatever it is. And then we switch 00:14:24.789 --> 00:14:26.970 it and the man gets to do that. And then you 00:14:26.970 --> 00:14:29.889 get the last question. And as a man, you say 00:14:29.889 --> 00:14:34.889 to her, what are you willing to do? That's the 00:14:34.889 --> 00:14:37.230 third question. Now here's the rule. You don't 00:14:37.230 --> 00:14:39.929 have to do anything. You don't have to do anything. 00:14:40.950 --> 00:14:44.470 But here's, and then you ask him, what are you 00:14:44.470 --> 00:14:49.019 willing to do? My first time is I was so angry 00:14:49.019 --> 00:14:53.419 and so hurt. Here's mine. I'm willing to have 00:14:53.419 --> 00:14:56.179 another one of these conferences. That's all 00:14:56.179 --> 00:15:00.679 I'm willing to do right now. Because there's 00:15:00.679 --> 00:15:04.159 just too much built up. And here's what this 00:15:04.159 --> 00:15:09.100 does. You realize the average couple talks, but 00:15:09.100 --> 00:15:12.659 says words and rarely... gets into one another's 00:15:12.659 --> 00:15:15.360 hearts because it's about kids, it's about logistics, 00:15:15.539 --> 00:15:18.120 it's about stuff. Here's what you end up doing. 00:15:18.279 --> 00:15:21.159 You end up, if you share your concerns, you're 00:15:21.159 --> 00:15:24.779 getting to hear, without interruption, all the 00:15:24.779 --> 00:15:27.379 things that are weighing the heart of the person 00:15:27.379 --> 00:15:30.600 that you love and committed your life to. And 00:15:30.600 --> 00:15:33.549 then you get to hear things that would... put 00:15:33.549 --> 00:15:35.429 some wind in their sails that would lift them 00:15:35.429 --> 00:15:37.870 up and it would encourage in them. And then looking 00:15:37.870 --> 00:15:39.870 at all of their burdens and looking what would 00:15:39.870 --> 00:15:41.809 give them a lift, you have the opportunity and 00:15:41.809 --> 00:15:43.529 you don't have to do it because it's a free act 00:15:43.529 --> 00:15:46.750 of will. You could lift a tiny burden if you 00:15:46.750 --> 00:15:52.549 wanted to, or you could give a little lift. And 00:15:52.549 --> 00:15:55.730 again, what happened is you've actually communicated. 00:15:56.919 --> 00:15:59.440 I'll never forget early on on this. I mean, she 00:15:59.440 --> 00:16:01.700 was, I'm concerned about our boys and their homework 00:16:01.700 --> 00:16:03.720 and their math and it's so difficult and this 00:16:03.720 --> 00:16:05.539 and this and that and I feel overwhelmed. And 00:16:05.539 --> 00:16:08.740 I remember saying, I mean, I was there like, 00:16:08.879 --> 00:16:13.399 okay, I'm willing to take over all the math of 00:16:13.399 --> 00:16:16.500 all of our kids of all of their homework. I like 00:16:16.500 --> 00:16:18.179 math. It's really easy. It comes good to me. 00:16:18.220 --> 00:16:19.820 My dad was a math teacher. Are you kidding me? 00:16:20.039 --> 00:16:22.779 I had no idea. I had no idea that that was weighing 00:16:22.779 --> 00:16:25.500 her down. So I took that, and boy, their world 00:16:25.500 --> 00:16:30.639 changed. Sorry, son, I can't read it. Do it again. 00:16:30.820 --> 00:16:33.960 But Dad, you know what? Do it again. They all 00:16:33.960 --> 00:16:36.659 got very good in math. And you know what she 00:16:36.659 --> 00:16:40.100 told me later? She goes, I just felt so loved. 00:16:40.519 --> 00:16:42.159 Well, I didn't even know it was weighing her 00:16:42.159 --> 00:16:46.080 down. And so we do like a couple of these or 00:16:46.080 --> 00:16:48.879 sometimes three a week. And then, I mean, to 00:16:48.879 --> 00:16:51.220 this day, you know, sometimes we'll feel a little 00:16:51.220 --> 00:16:53.500 disconnected. And, you know, we did it for years 00:16:53.500 --> 00:16:55.879 and years and years and years. And we'll, you 00:16:55.879 --> 00:16:57.840 know, we'll know we want to reconnect when, you 00:16:57.840 --> 00:16:59.000 know, we're driving in the car and she might 00:16:59.000 --> 00:17:01.340 turn and go, so what are you concerned about? 00:17:01.539 --> 00:17:03.600 And I realize, okay, yeah, we probably need to 00:17:03.600 --> 00:17:07.380 do this, you know. And it's a great tool. And 00:17:07.380 --> 00:17:10.750 I would just encourage you. It's about setting 00:17:10.750 --> 00:17:13.130 a new trajectory. It's about going into training. 00:17:13.349 --> 00:17:15.509 You start communicating like this on a regular 00:17:15.509 --> 00:17:19.109 basis, I'm going to tell you. You're going to 00:17:19.109 --> 00:17:22.309 hear hurts and things that you didn't know about, 00:17:22.410 --> 00:17:24.309 and you'll have the opportunity to come in and 00:17:24.309 --> 00:17:26.849 express love in ways that are really meaningful. 00:17:26.970 --> 00:17:28.829 And here's what's going to happen. This, then 00:17:28.829 --> 00:17:32.130 this, then this, then this. And is it going to 00:17:32.130 --> 00:17:34.869 be a little threatening? Well, yeah. And by the 00:17:34.869 --> 00:17:37.650 way, okay, there's a couple rules to this. Someone 00:17:37.650 --> 00:17:40.329 wrote me after I taught this and said, well, 00:17:40.369 --> 00:17:41.990 what do you do if you share all your concerns 00:17:41.990 --> 00:17:44.789 and my partner's not coming in and stepping in 00:17:44.789 --> 00:17:46.410 and taking care of all the concerns? Well, you 00:17:46.410 --> 00:17:52.049 know what? It's a communication exercise. If 00:17:52.049 --> 00:17:54.369 you share all these things with the expectation 00:17:54.369 --> 00:17:56.670 that if they don't respond the way you want them 00:17:56.670 --> 00:17:58.710 to, guess who's still trying to control the relationship? 00:18:00.569 --> 00:18:03.970 I mean, this is a trust issue. Proverbs 21 .1, 00:18:04.029 --> 00:18:05.809 you might jot it down. This is how you change 00:18:05.809 --> 00:18:09.130 your mate. The king's heart is like channels 00:18:09.130 --> 00:18:11.269 of water in the hand of the Lord. He turns it 00:18:11.269 --> 00:18:14.390 whatever way he wishes. Okay? In other words, 00:18:14.430 --> 00:18:16.630 the most powerful people in the world, if you 00:18:16.630 --> 00:18:19.170 want to change someone over here, you talk to 00:18:19.170 --> 00:18:22.690 the king who can change that heart. So if I can't 00:18:22.690 --> 00:18:24.670 get through to her, and she will tell you, the 00:18:24.670 --> 00:18:26.789 way she got through to me was like this. Up to 00:18:26.789 --> 00:18:31.039 God, down to me. Because my heart and your mate's 00:18:31.039 --> 00:18:34.039 heart and her heart are in the hand of God. And 00:18:34.039 --> 00:18:38.380 you can ask God to speak to them. And this little 00:18:38.380 --> 00:18:40.400 communication device is going to be very helpful. 00:18:41.019 --> 00:18:44.400 Let me give you one more tool. I just call it 00:18:44.400 --> 00:18:50.130 the care list. So here's the question. This one 00:18:50.130 --> 00:18:51.950 is not in your notes, but you might want to write 00:18:51.950 --> 00:18:54.309 it on the back or something. It's really simple. 00:18:54.730 --> 00:19:00.750 It's I feel most loved when you dot, dot, dot. 00:19:01.450 --> 00:19:04.529 And what I want you to do is list three things. 00:19:06.109 --> 00:19:12.289 I feel most loved when you call me for no reason. 00:19:13.250 --> 00:19:17.069 When you initiate making love. When you take 00:19:17.069 --> 00:19:23.049 out the trash and vacuum. When you lead spiritually. 00:19:24.029 --> 00:19:29.089 When you don't nag me, but encourage me to get 00:19:29.089 --> 00:19:31.109 some time away with my buddies when I really 00:19:31.109 --> 00:19:33.849 need to be refreshed. I feel most loved when 00:19:33.849 --> 00:19:38.130 you list your top three, okay? As a man, don't 00:19:38.130 --> 00:19:40.490 show them to your wife. Ladies, you list your 00:19:40.490 --> 00:19:44.579 top three. And then here's the assignment. You 00:19:44.579 --> 00:19:47.220 take your list of your top three and you give 00:19:47.220 --> 00:19:49.559 it to your husband. You take your list of top 00:19:49.559 --> 00:19:52.099 three and you give it to your wife. And now, 00:19:52.140 --> 00:19:54.740 you know what? We all wonder, how do I really 00:19:54.740 --> 00:20:00.299 love my mate? Well, she just told you. Line them 00:20:00.299 --> 00:20:03.259 up, knock them down. So this week, you know what? 00:20:03.339 --> 00:20:05.339 I know the top three things. I'm going to do 00:20:05.339 --> 00:20:08.059 one of those things in the next seven days for 00:20:08.059 --> 00:20:11.000 my wife or for my husband this week. Well, I 00:20:11.000 --> 00:20:13.750 don't feel like it. Tough. Jesus didn't feel 00:20:13.750 --> 00:20:16.289 like going to the cross. He went. Love is a choice, 00:20:16.390 --> 00:20:19.289 right? So now we're back to, now I've got a game 00:20:19.289 --> 00:20:21.910 plan. I'm going to serve her in a way that makes 00:20:21.910 --> 00:20:24.549 sense to her. I'm going to communicate in ways 00:20:24.549 --> 00:20:27.470 and I'm going to hear her heart or I'm going 00:20:27.470 --> 00:20:29.930 to hear his heart and we're going to go on a 00:20:29.930 --> 00:20:32.750 journey because guess what now? Now I know how 00:20:32.750 --> 00:20:36.769 to serve. I know what we need to plan about because 00:20:36.769 --> 00:20:38.809 now I know where the weights and the hurts are 00:20:38.809 --> 00:20:42.220 and I know where the joys would be. And so now 00:20:42.220 --> 00:20:44.660 I know the top three things that make them feel 00:20:44.660 --> 00:20:48.619 loved. And I'm just going to make a plan to do 00:20:48.619 --> 00:20:51.779 that. Got it? According to Jesus, he who has 00:20:51.779 --> 00:20:53.420 ears to hear, let him hear. What he meant by 00:20:53.420 --> 00:20:56.259 that is, are you going to act on what I have 00:20:56.259 --> 00:20:59.359 just said and trust me to the point of obeying 00:20:59.359 --> 00:21:02.619 me? And if you do, I will show up in your life. 00:21:03.539 --> 00:21:05.619 And if you don't, even the truth you think you 00:21:05.619 --> 00:21:09.759 have is going to get taken away. I think you 00:21:09.759 --> 00:21:11.259 guys are going to act on it and you're going 00:21:11.259 --> 00:21:16.779 to see God work. This is Living on the Edge with 00:21:16.779 --> 00:21:19.539 Chip Ingram, and we're in a series called Choosing 00:21:19.539 --> 00:21:22.740 Love. Chip has one final thought to close today's 00:21:22.740 --> 00:21:25.299 message in a minute, so stay with us. If you 00:21:25.299 --> 00:21:27.460 want to go deeper into what biblical love truly 00:21:27.460 --> 00:21:30.519 means, you need Chip's latest book, I Choose 00:21:30.519 --> 00:21:33.460 Love. In this powerful resource, Chip reveals 00:21:33.460 --> 00:21:35.960 that love isn't just something that might happen 00:21:35.960 --> 00:21:38.200 to you someday. It's something you can choose 00:21:38.200 --> 00:21:42.140 to experience and express. I Choose Love unpacks 00:21:42.140 --> 00:21:44.920 agape love, the kind of love God has for people. 00:21:45.180 --> 00:21:47.960 This love is characterized not by feelings or 00:21:47.960 --> 00:21:50.779 romance, but by sacrifice and putting others' 00:21:50.900 --> 00:21:53.519 best interests at heart. If you're ready to move 00:21:53.519 --> 00:21:56.339 beyond the cultural definition of love and embrace 00:21:56.339 --> 00:21:59.579 God's transforming agape love, order I Choose 00:21:59.579 --> 00:22:03.160 Love today by going online to livingontheedge 00:22:03.160 --> 00:22:06.410 .org. You know, teachings like we heard today 00:22:06.410 --> 00:22:09.289 exist because partners like you believe in biblical 00:22:09.289 --> 00:22:12.650 truth that transforms marriages. When you give 00:22:12.650 --> 00:22:14.730 to Living on the Edge, you're helping couples 00:22:14.730 --> 00:22:16.950 build the connection they're desperately searching 00:22:16.950 --> 00:22:19.730 for. Will you join us with a gift of any amount? 00:22:19.910 --> 00:22:23.769 Give online at livingontheedge .org or call us 00:22:23.769 --> 00:22:28.750 at 888 -333 -6003. You can also mail your gift 00:22:28.750 --> 00:22:31.730 to us by writing to Living on the Edge, P .O. 00:22:31.730 --> 00:22:37.279 Box 3007. Atlanta, Georgia, 30024. And don't 00:22:37.279 --> 00:22:39.299 forget, subscribe to the Living on the Edge podcast 00:22:39.299 --> 00:22:42.099 and check out the new Chip Ingram sermon podcast 00:22:42.099 --> 00:22:45.339 feature. You'll get every sermon, complete and 00:22:45.339 --> 00:22:48.559 unedited, delivered right to your phone. Well, 00:22:48.579 --> 00:22:51.440 now once again, here's Chip. As we close today's 00:22:51.440 --> 00:22:54.180 program. You know, I was just thinking, I wonder 00:22:54.180 --> 00:22:58.380 if Home Depot or Ace Hardware or maybe some of 00:22:58.380 --> 00:23:00.359 these stores where you just go in and buy duct 00:23:00.359 --> 00:23:03.079 tape, wouldn't it be exciting if like they just 00:23:03.079 --> 00:23:06.480 ran out? That literally thousands, tens of thousands 00:23:06.480 --> 00:23:09.400 of you all listening to my voice would say, I'm 00:23:09.400 --> 00:23:11.400 going to do that conference. I'm going to ask 00:23:11.400 --> 00:23:13.220 those three questions. What are you concerned 00:23:13.220 --> 00:23:16.049 about? What do you wish? What are you willing 00:23:16.049 --> 00:23:18.410 to do? And then I'm literally going to put duct 00:23:18.410 --> 00:23:20.930 tape over my mouth and I'm going to lean forward, 00:23:21.009 --> 00:23:23.230 make eye contact, and then I'm going to really, 00:23:23.329 --> 00:23:26.789 really listen. What I want you to know, as funny 00:23:26.789 --> 00:23:30.089 as that sounds, in about 15 minutes, maybe 20, 00:23:30.329 --> 00:23:33.329 you will hear more of your mate's burdens, their 00:23:33.329 --> 00:23:36.789 dreams, and a specific way to love them than 00:23:36.789 --> 00:23:39.880 talking for hours and hours. You know, we get 00:23:39.880 --> 00:23:42.500 lots of emails and letters of people's lives 00:23:42.500 --> 00:23:46.119 that are hurting and breaking apart. And we pray 00:23:46.119 --> 00:23:48.779 as a staff every single day. And so many of the 00:23:48.779 --> 00:23:51.599 prayers are around marriages that have drifted 00:23:51.599 --> 00:23:54.940 or struggles or affairs or problems. But I have 00:23:54.940 --> 00:23:57.859 to tell you, we also get lots of emails and letters 00:23:57.859 --> 00:24:00.640 where people say to us, you know, we went through 00:24:00.640 --> 00:24:03.240 the marriage that works or that series on experiencing 00:24:03.240 --> 00:24:05.799 God's dream for your marriage. And we have to 00:24:05.799 --> 00:24:08.839 tell you, our marriages come back together. Christ 00:24:08.839 --> 00:24:11.279 is the center of it. It's completely healed. 00:24:11.400 --> 00:24:14.420 It's better than ever before. So here's my plea. 00:24:14.980 --> 00:24:18.220 Please do not simply listen to this. You have 00:24:18.220 --> 00:24:21.519 to do it. You have to actually do this conference. 00:24:21.599 --> 00:24:24.960 Put it on the calendar at least once a week for 00:24:24.960 --> 00:24:28.559 the next three or four weeks. Three simple questions, 00:24:28.799 --> 00:24:32.119 block off a half hour or 45 minutes away from 00:24:32.119 --> 00:24:35.519 everyone else, and then jot me a note, chip at 00:24:35.519 --> 00:24:37.819 livingontheedge .org, and let me know how it 00:24:37.819 --> 00:24:41.019 goes. Ready to learn how unforgiveness steals 00:24:41.019 --> 00:24:44.220 your peace and how to get it back? I'm Dave Drewy, 00:24:44.220 --> 00:24:46.680 inviting you to listen tomorrow when Chip Ingram 00:24:46.680 --> 00:24:49.180 reveals the surprising freedom that comes through 00:24:49.180 --> 00:24:55.599 forgiveness, here on Living on the Edge. Today's 00:24:55.599 --> 00:24:58.099 program is produced and sponsored by Living on 00:24:58.099 --> 00:24:58.680 the Edge.