Today on Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.
You know, I came across a fascinating statement
that changed the course of my marriage years
ago. Here it is. Without a plan, we have no hope.
Let me tell you, that truth made all the difference
in the world of my marriage. We're going to learn
how to increase the hope in your marriage, and
I'm going to give you some very specific tools
to help you build the kind of plan that will
provide deep hope in your marriage. Stay with
me. Where is your hope? Not just hope in general,
but hope in your marriage, your family, your
future together. I'm Dave Drewy, and today on
Living on the Edge, Chip Ingram continues our
series called Choosing Love. In this message,
Chip reveals why planning isn't just practical,
it's biblical. Jesus told his disciples in John
chapter 14, I go to prepare a place for you,
showing us that love makes plans and keeps promises.
Today you'll discover why hope rises and falls
based on the promises we keep. Now here's Chip
Ingram with a message titled, Planning, How to
Strengthen Your Hope. Where's your hope in your
marriage? You have to have hope. And the way
you have hope is you have to have a plan. I mean,
so can I just give you a couple principles and
then I want to get real practical. Here's the
principle. Long -term planning provides hope
and perspective. to overcome short -term pain
and challenges. Second, great plans provides
a specific path and create hope for tomorrow
and forever. Third principle is hope rises and
falls with how we keep our promises. The most
devastating thing we do to one another, and we
all do it, is when we tell our mates something
and then we don't follow through. Breaks trust.
What do we know about Jesus? I would encourage
you, you know, read John chapter 14, and you
can even read 15 and 16, and every time the word
I will, I will, I will, I will, I will, underline
it. And you know what he's saying? I keep my
promises. Do you see the promises that he makes?
And so then the application is practical. Number
one, if you, this is from my Marine father, so
don't look for this in the Bible, but I heard
it so much, it's up there in the Bible with me.
Chip, if you fail to plan, you... It's true.
And you know, you plan for career, you plan hopefully
for finances, you plan for so much. Here's my
question. What's your plan for your marriage?
What's your plan for your marriage? Because if
you don't have a plan, then you don't have a
lot of hope. I cannot tell you. I mean, my wife
and I, we made a plan. The plan was we would
have a date every single week. We had a plan.
What we knew was we were terrible communicators.
We didn't know how to resolve anger. We didn't
even know when we were angry. So we had to learn
when we were angry. So I like right after supper,
I mean, just 15 minutes. We did it three times
a week. Okay, honey, this sounds so artificial.
How did your day go? Superficial. Okay, great.
How did your day go? Great. What are you concerned
about? Well, this, this, this. And I shut up.
You can't fix it. Just shut up. What do you wish?
Oh, I wish one of our sons would not be so much
this way. And I'm concerned about our other sons
dating a girl. I wish I felt better. I've got
this really situation. And what are you willing
to do? And in 15 minutes or 20 minutes, I mean,
we learned to not just bury stuff, but get all
the things that are weighing us down out on the
table. In 15 minutes, every other night at least,
I found that this is the burdens, and she heard
mine. I mean, she would ask me, how'd your day
go? It's fine. And she wants to talk, and well,
I mean, well, how'd it really go? It's fine.
This church had a lot of meetings. A couple people
came to Christ. It's great. So what's up? I mean,
you know, and I can't understand why she thinks
we don't communicate, right? I told her. It was
fine. That's not what she wanted to hear. How
did you feel about it? What was going on inside?
You know, right? So we came up with a plan weekly.
We came up with a plan daily. And then for us,
when there's friction, guess what goes out the
door? Romance. And now if you have kids, especially
small ones, it's hard to even find romance. And
so we plan. We scheduled, you know, got other
couples, watch our kids. We were super poor.
We're going to get away for a couple nights at
least once. Try it twice a year. And sometimes
you were just holding on by a thread. We only
got, you know, 62 more days until we can get
away. But two days away would refresh. Are you
starting to get it? Hope. So what is your career
and family and ministry? and future plan for
the next five, 10, or 15 years. Now, I know when
I say something like that, you go, oh my gosh.
I mean, that's sort of a long, big deal. Okay,
here's a tool for transformation. I want to get
you started. I'm going to give you two tools.
Here's tool number one. This changed the course
of my life. It's 34 or 35. Three kids, four.
Annie had just been born, was maybe 18 months
old. I've got two 13-, 14 -year -olds, about
a 7 -year -old, and about a 1 -year -old. and
where I went to seminary, they had a thing called
LEAD, Leadership Evaluation and Development,
and they looked at your whole life, and you went
away with your wife for a week, and they had
a psychologist talk to you, and someone looked
at your preaching, and people filled out all
these forms about your life, your character,
and they literally had your life, and the goal
was to take you through this four or five days
and give you an evaluation of where you're at
and help you see blind spots so that maybe they
could help you skip 10 years of pain they thought
maybe you have some potential to make a difference.
Two big things happened. The man who did our
interview was one of my mentors, and he looked
at Teresa and said, you haven't told anybody
about your past life, have you? No, I hide it.
But she said, I have a problem. What's that?
Well, my little boy is like six or seven years
old, and we have a picture of Chip and I in our
marriage, and Eric and Jason are in the picture.
I mean, they were like... Four and a half, five
years old. You know, dressed up little boys carrying
the rings and things. And so our six or seven
year old says, Mommy, how come Eric and Jason
got to be in the wedding picture and I didn't?
Well, a little moment of truth. That's a real
tricky one, right? She was ashamed. She was ashamed
that she was told where we went to school that
God would never use your life. She was told she
was a second class citizen. She lived with guilt.
She lived with shame. She married a guy. She
wasn't a Christian. He runs off with another
woman. She told me I would have committed suicide
if I didn't have those babies. My whole life
was in that man. I felt worthless. And he said,
you don't understand. You are a trophy of God's
grace. Look at how God has restored you and redeemed
you. Are you ready for this? You know what you
do with trophies? You take trophies and you put
them up on the mantle. And you put them on the
mantle so people can see. this is what God did.
And we came home from that and she shared with
my seven -year -old boy why he wasn't in the
wedding picture. Shortly afterwards, we were
called to a church in Santa Cruz and my wife
is a, I mean, you would not know it now, but
I mean, was not just an introvert, but super
shy and getting in front of people was not her
thing. And we're flying on the plane. She said,
I want to share my testimony with the church.
I said, what? And, you know, we went from a fairly
small church, and for us it was a pretty good
-sized church, 800 or 900 people. And they had
a Sunday morning and Sunday night. And I said,
well, my first message is Sunday morning. You
want to do Sunday night? She goes, yeah. And
she got up and told her story. Fifty women lined
up. If you know anything about Santa Cruz, it's
drugs, new age, wacky world, broken people. I
mean, just. And God just put us in the perfect
place in the world because two very deeply broken
people went to a place filled with broken people.
And when she shared her story, they finally said,
maybe there's hope for me. You're listening to
Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and there's
more coming up in just a moment. If you missed
any part of today's message, or if you'd like
to share it with a friend, you can find it anytime
online at livingontheedge .org. And while you're
there, you'll also discover a full library of
Chip's teaching series, small group resources,
and practical tools to help strengthen your relationships.
Take advantage of all we have available at livingontheedge
.org. Well, now back to our message. So there's
hope. There's not just hope when everything's
okay. There's hope when you share your brokenness.
The second thing that happened at that, that
was critical, is I was given an assignment. And
I was told to do this. I want you to go home
and I want you to write out, I want you to add
10 years to everyone's age. So, okay, I'll be
44. Oh, wow, Eric and Jason will be 22. Ryan
will be 17. Annie will be like 11. And then he
says, now I want you to think about this is where
you're at. I want you to visualize. You now have
two kids that I thought, if they're going to
go to college, I'm putting like $50 a month away.
You know, they're doing really well, but they've
got some issues in their life I need to address.
My little boy. He's going to be 17. That's going
to make him like a junior or a senior. And while
10 years from now, I will be this. This is Teresa
and I. And we literally, it just grabbed me.
And I realized, I'm living so much in every single
day. I'm not living in a way. that is realizing,
where do I want to be in 10 years? Where does
God want me to be in 10 years? Where do I want
my marriage to be in 10 years? It was one of
the biggest aha moments of my whole life. I literally,
are you, you know what I did? I made a plan.
I made a plan for my older boys. What am I going
to do between, you know, like 12 and 22? What
is it I want them to know? What kind of time?
What kind of experiences? What am I going to
do with my son who's 11 or 7 and is going to
be 17? And what are the things I learned from
my older boys? And where should we be? This is
where we're at in our marriage. This was a season
where we actually got along. The church was growing.
It was a good season. Wow, what have we done?
Where do I want our marriage to be in 10 years?
I would tell you it'll change the course of your
life. If you would write down, add 10 years to
everyone in your family and start asking yourself
those questions, I will tell you, because left
to yourself, and here's the thing, you think
you don't have enough time. The number one addiction
in America is technology. You have time to read,
you have time to think, you have time to exercise,
you have time to build relationships where you
can stick your face in this phone and you can
escape and you can watch movies and you can play
video games and for some of you, secretly log
on to porn and you can waste your life or you
can come up with a plan and you can ask for help
and you can start being a servant and I will
tell you, your... life will be so different than
everybody else's. And here's the thing that this
thing and all that media does. It just keeps
telling you, you don't measure up. You don't
look right. You don't have the right stuff. And
if only you had, or if only you could, or if
only you were. And so it's all negative messages.
And here's the thing. Some of you are like type
A, highly focused. wired like me. And some of
us have gone after some of those things. And
here's the thing. If you get them in your hand,
you're going to look at it. It's going to be
like, remember the rainbow into the pot of gold?
And you'll look at it and you'll go, as one guy
told me recently, he said, this is it? I mean,
this? I mean, I built a company, did $67 million
last year. I found the beautiful wife. I have
three kids. This is it. This is as empty. I mean,
they promised I'm in shape. It's a Marine. I
am. I've got what everyone in the world says
will make you happy. And he says, I looked inside
of that and there, it was a black hole of emptiness.
And then he had to be driving in the car and
heard a series about heaven and life. that happened
to be from living on the edge, God spoke to him
and he pulled off 101 in California and cried
like a baby and received Christ. And that was
the beginning of a completely new life. And what
I like about him, he went about it like a Marine.
His poor wife. He said it was bait and switch.
It really was. He said two years in, he goes,
my life, my friends, my habits. He said, I learned
God's word is important. I learned prayer was
important. A good Bible teaching church is important.
I got in a small group with my pastor, another
guy and another guy. Man, my addictions, I addressed.
She says, two years, we're having dinner. And
she looked at me and she goes, I don't think
I even know you anymore. And he said, privately,
I'm thinking, yes. And yet what she was saying
was, I married this person. We partied together
and this was our world. who is this guy? Now,
you're a great father and you're treating me
in ways I don't really understand. Kind but weird.
You're doing things I've never seen you do. And
here's my point. You got to have a plan. Add
10 years and then ask yourself, who do you want
that person to be? What do you want that marriage
to look like? The second, this is a real practical
thing because it's like, oh, that's a great big
picture. Structure. Some of us are very spontaneous.
Some are very detail -oriented. If you don't
structure for outcomes, your life will be filled
with good intentions where you start and fail,
start and fail, start and fail. In planning as
a couple, I mean, this week, I mean, I'm gonna
get down to some real basic things. This is just
a suggestion. Some of you are great planners,
way better than me. You have way better ways
to do this. But for those of you that are sitting
here thinking, we don't plan. We just react.
We just respond. Oh, kids need shoes. And by
the way, if you're like most, the women feel
a greater responsibility, and they're always
feeling like, what are we going to do? What are
we going to do? And they feel like we don't lead
well when we don't plan. One of the things that
helped us, I don't know how it works in your
world, but in my world, usually I get a paycheck
every two weeks. Some people it's once a month,
some people once a week. I get a paycheck every
two weeks and have for whenever. We have a, it
doesn't have to be blue, we have a blue folder.
Every bill that comes in goes into that blue
folder. Even the ones that we pay online, we
print it out, goes into that blue folder. Every
two weeks, I sit down with my wife. we have a
checkbook. And we will, she'll take the part
that you subtract and I'll take the part where
we write the checks. And a lot of them, of course,
we pay online and I'll write on the bill and
she'll say, okay, I'll do that online. And we
go through every two weeks and we do our finances
together. Here's what you need to learn about
money. Money is never about money. Money is about
values and priorities. Every two weeks, For 35
years, we've had a discussion about what matters.
And a lot of times it was, well, we paid our
bills and now we have $136 to make it through
to the next two weeks. So we're going to put
$78 in the grocery envelope. We're going to put
$20 in recreation. And we're going to put $16
in for gas when you could buy gas for cheap.
And when the money's out of those envelopes,
we're done. And we're going to stay in the black.
And then it was like, okay, well, Eric needs
shoes and Annie needs this. What should we buy
when? And okay, let's, the habit is more important
than the amount, so we're gonna save $50 a paycheck.
That was our big savings plan. And it became
a habit. The second thing is now we've made those,
then we open our calendars and we look at, well,
okay, what's coming up the rest of this month
and next month? proactive in creating a life
that you look forward to something this week.
You look forward to a great time together away.
You look forward to sitting down and having a
plan that it may take time, but we can get out
of debt. Final comment, if you are in a situation,
I wrote this at the bottom, of crisis of debt
or counseling or in -laws or addiction, get outside
help. Get outside help. Pay for whatever it takes.
I had to. And here's the thing. If this reoccurring
problem or conflict in your sex life, in your
finances, debt issues, in -laws, resolving conflict,
you're smart people. If you could have solved
it on your own, you would have solved it by now.
Right? You get outside help. Let me encourage
you to do that. This is Living on the Edge with
Chip Ingram and a series called Choosing Love.
Today, Chip gave us game -changing advice. If
you fail to plan, you plan to fail. Chip will
be back with one more thought in just a moment.
Did today's message hit home? then you'll need
Chip's book, I Choose Love. This book reveals
a life -changing truth. Love isn't just something
that happens to you. It's something you can choose.
Drawing from Philippians chapter 2, Chip unpacks
the biblical concept of agape love, the kind
of love God has for people. It's a love characterized
not by feelings or emotions, but by sacrifice
and putting others' best interests at heart.
When you understand and apply this biblical love,
it transforms every relationship in your life,
including your marriage. If you long to experience
the love of God and discover practical ways You
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We call it the Chip Ingram Sermon Podcast, presenting
each of Chip's sermons unedited from beginning
to end. You'll find these episodes when you subscribe
to the Living on the Edge podcast. Well, now
here's Chip. As we close today's program, I want
to focus in on one specific thing that I shared.
But before I do, I want to go immediately. to
that group of people that I ended the teaching
time with. I said, if you're in crisis, if you've
lost hope, if you're hurting, if you're contemplating
divorce, if you feel like there is no hope, let
me encourage you in your crisis, get help right
now. Go to a trusted godly friend, to a Christian
counselor, to your pastor, but don't let it go.
Don't think it's going to get better on its own.
Now, for those that don't feel like you're in
crisis, but you want a deeper marriage or you
feel like there's a little bit of a drift. Let
me tell you this. Long -term planning provides
hope and perspective to overcome the short -term
pain and challenges. You know, there's a lot
of ups and downs in life, and we're going to
have them, right? Financially, relationally,
within laws, in our sex life. I mean, in our
marriages, we're going to have all kind of bumps
and bruises and barriers. And what I've learned
after all these years, when you first get some
of these, you think, oh, my. The world's falling
apart and what's wrong? And this marriage isn't
working or I'm a terrible person or am I falling
out of love? And we've been so overwhelmed with
media thinking that ooey gooey feelings and this
romantic, you know, Hallmark type relationship
is supposed to be every day in every way that
we begin to put our marriages under a microscope.
And instead of realizing. These are normal things,
and our long -term hope is we've made a vow before
God, and so we need to have a plan. We need to
have a plan that says, this is what we're going
to do this week. We need to have a plan with
our money. We need to have a plan for when we're
going to get away as a couple. We need to have
a plan for how are we going to raise our children.
Now, when I say all that, I don't mean that as
some big, overwhelming thing that you get it
all done tomorrow. What I want you to know, though,
is you have to pause. You have to meet at least
once a week and really talk about what's coming
up, what are the concerns that you have, how
each of you are going to address them. You got
to be on the same page with common goals and
a mutual commitment, because if you aren't, you'll
start to go your own separate ways. And then
about once a quarter minimum, you know, even
if it's an afternoon or just one night away,
to get together as a couple and do a little,
where are we at? How are things really going?
pausing, getting out the calendar. Teresa and
I do this about once a month, sometime once every
six weeks and say, let's just look at the next
six months. And we just line out all the different
things that are coming up. And we don't necessarily
make a huge bunch of decisions, but all of a
sudden it's like, oh, wow, if you're going to
do that, I didn't realize you were traveling.
Well, what about, you know, one of the kids'
birthdays or one of our, you know, grown children
have a big anniversary or all of a sudden you're
talking about what's going to happen over the
next six months, those kind of conversations
that provide perspective. And then for some of
you, you just need some hope. You need to know
90 days from now or 40 days from now, you're
going to have that special three or four days
away or a weekend or something positive. We all
need those carrots out in front of us that a
good plan says, you know what? We're going to
need a break. That's when we're going to get
it, and we can make it through this hard season
until we get there. Let me encourage you. Planning
is how you strengthen your hope. Ready to learn
how to multiply the joy in your marriage? I'm
Dave Drewy. Join us tomorrow as Chip Ingram continues
our series, Choosing Love, right here on Living
on the Edge. Today's program is produced and
sponsored by Living on the Edge.