This is the Chip Ingram Sermon Podcast, brought
to you by Living on the Edge. In this podcast,
you'll hear Chip's teaching unedited and from
beginning to end. Now let's join Chip Ingram
with today's message titled, Planning, How to
Strengthen Your Hope. As we get started, I have
on my wall, and I haven't memorized it, but I
read it almost every day because left to myself
and you left to yourself, we all focus on, you
know, what about me, right? You know, my needs,
my will, my desires, this is what I want to see
happen. And on my wall is this prayer. It says,
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace. And
where there is hatred, let me sow love. Where
there is sorrow, let me sow joy. Where there's
injury, let me sow pardon. Where there's darkness,
let me sow light. Where there's despair, let
me sow joy. Oh, divine master, grant that I wouldn't
seek so much to be consoled as to console. To
be understood as to understand. As to be loved
as to love. For it's in giving that we receive.
It's in pardoning that we are pardoned. And it's
in dying that we're born to eternal life. And
that's attributed to St. Francis of Assisi. Just,
I need every single moment to get the paradigm
shift. You know, this series is about four biblical
practices that great marriages have in common.
And the first one is about love. But, you know,
when Jesus wanted to show his love, what did
he do? He took up a towel and he got down on
his knees. And the King of kings and the Lord
of lords and the Son of God, who has been worshipped
by myriads of angels from eternity past, bent
down and he washed the feet of people that were
too proud to wash their own or anyone else's.
And not only of the 11 that he knew that would
be faithful, but he washed the feet of someone
that he knew was going to betray him. And all
I can tell you is when God tells us to serve,
you can't do it, and I can't do it in my power.
I mean, that's like one of those assignments,
like this is what you really need to do, and
unless you come to, I can't, and say, God, but
you can do this through me. And there's a promise.
Jesus said, give, and it'll be given unto you.
Good measure. Press down, shaken together, running
over, back into your lap. For whatever measure
you give, you'll receive. And it's a process
and it's a journey, but I think one of the most
fundamental shifts if you want a great marriage,
and I mean it starts in your mind, moves to your
heart, and then has to get into your hands, is
that this will only be a great marriage not if
or when my mate changes, but when I begin to
serve them as an act of worship of serving him
with the recognition that I don't have the power
to do that. And as you do that, you know, you
know, you say, well, I just can't, I don't feel
it. Here's what happens. It's that classic picture
is you can stand on the edge of the water and
say, there's no way. It's the moment when they
stepped into the water. That's when you get the
grace. But you know, just like you go into training
for other things, you know, discipline, God gives
grace through discipline. Discipline is learning
to do over time what you can't directly do currently.
I'll never forget my assistant of many years
ago had never done anything athletic, and we
were learning this idea of what you can't do
directly, you can learn to accomplish over time
when you go into training. So in other words,
I can't love my wife today directly, but I can
go into training to build the capacity to be
sensitive to meeting needs, but it takes times
in training. So I'll never forget, she had a
friend who was a marathoner. She goes, no, no,
here's the plan. This is how many hours you sleep.
And she started walking. Then she did a little
bit of jogging. It was like six months later.
And she says, is there any way I could come in
late on Friday? I said, well, why? What's up?
She goes, well, my training, I need to run 10
miles Friday morning. I said, all at once? And
she hadn't said anything. I said, can you do
that? She goes, yeah. And I said her name. I
said, you can walk around the block. six months
ago, how can you run 10 miles? She goes, well,
this is what we ate, and then I jogged, and then
it was this, then I got up to one mile, then
up to two miles, and I have a 10 -mile run, and
we only have five more weeks. She did 26 .2 miles
without stopping because she went into training.
It affected what she ate, how much she slept,
how she exercised. Here's what I want you to
understand. There's many things you can't will
and do today. You have to go, the spiritual disciplines,
praying, renewing your mind, reading scripture,
having fellowship from the heart. You go into
spiritual training and you can actually build
a capacity to love in ways that you currently
can't do by willpower. And that's how God dispenses.
Now, sometimes he gives these flashes of supernatural,
amazing, you have new eyes and see everything
different. I mean, I have a handful of friends
who, that's how they overcame their porn addiction
or their drug addiction and they cried out to
God and wow. But the great majority was recognized
as they had a problem getting in a group, putting...
limitations on their phone, giving their passwords
to someone else, having weekly accountability,
and they went into training to renew their mind.
So all I'm saying is your potentiality for not
a good marriage, but a great marriage has little
or nothing to do today with how your mate is
acting or not acting or what you want them to
do or not do. Because if you turn this one in
and get another one, you're going to have exactly
the same problems. And the other thing is, is
this person you'll have to live with that's really
the biggest problem is you. It's you. I mean,
I have a fairly healthy self -concept, but I
can look in the mirror and know the core of my
life is I'm selfish, I want my own way. Now,
I can put verses behind it, and I can, believe
me, I can make it sound sophisticated and very
Christian. But left to myself, apart from the
Holy Spirit working powerfully in my life, I
am really about my needs, my wants, and I get
frustrated and angry or whatever when that isn't
delivered apart from the Spirit of the living
God living in me and me allowing Him progressively
to have more and more control. And as I give
Him control, then the fruit of that relationship
begins to come out in my speech and in my behavior.
And in my thinking. And that fruit is what? It's
love. It's joy. It's peace. It's patience. It's
goodness. It's kindness. It's faithfulness. It's
gentleness. It's self -control. As I abide. And
then that is who begins to, by God's power, express.
through the conduit of my personality to my wife,
and guess what? Her emotional needs are met,
and her heart feels safe and secure. And then
this weird thing starts happening. Then she wants
to treat me that way, which makes me want to
treat her even more that way, which makes her
want to treat me that way. See, every relationship
is either on an upward spiral of growth and kindness
and love, or he did that, so I do this. Well,
you know what? She said that to me, so I'm not
going to do that. And then pretty soon, you play
this silly game and you both lose. I mean, I've
been in the ditch in my marriage. I've been in
the darkness in my marriage. I've been where
I didn't love my wife. I didn't even like her.
I mean, at all. Just angry and hurt and wounded.
And it was just a choice because I made a commitment
to God. I said, till death do us part. If there
was a plan B or if there was an exit door, I
would have taken it. I'm ashamed to admit that,
but it's true. But the good thing what I saw
was when you choose not to take it, then the
only other option is you got to work this out.
And if you can't change them, there's only one
person left in the room, right? And so that's
when my marriage started to really change. Okay,
she makes me nuts. I can't change her. God, you
change me. And she came to the same conclusion.
Love is the foundation of any relationship. But
the oxygen, what brings it forward is hope. And
I want to teach you now, the second practices
great marriages have in common is hope. And if
you'll open your Bibles to John 14, I want to
show you in the midst of a desperate, desperate
crisis, how Jesus is going to give hope to his
bride. Remember, there's a great mystery, and
the great mystery is that there's this marriage,
and this marriage is between Jesus and his bride,
the church, and he's gonna model for us exactly
how we can love one another. We're in John chapter
14, and the situation is they've taken the Last
Supper, they've sung a hymn, He has told them
a lot about he's going to leave. And think crisis.
Think you're going to be apart for a long time.
Think of military being deployed. Think of I
wonder if I ever see you again. Think of the
worst and most difficult parting. Think someone
who's told you some very terrible things are
going to happen to them and you don't know how
it's all going to turn out. What you need more
than anything else is what? You need hope. One
of the great challenges in marriages is if you
don't have hope, if you're not looking forward
to something this week, if you're not looking
forward to something this month, if you don't
have a couple things that you're thinking about,
hey, this year, there's some challenges, there's
ups, there's downs, there's struggles, there's
kids, there's sickness, there's lack of money,
but oh, this is coming up. As long as you have
hope, hope allows you to endure daily struggles
because there's something that you look forward
to. And what you're going to find is that Jesus
is going to give his disciples hope and follow
along as we discover how he does it. Peter said
to him, Lord, why can I not follow you right
now? I'll lay down my life for you. This is a
good reminder of those of us who make promises
to God. Jesus answered at the end of chapter
13, will you lay down your life for me? Truly,
truly, I say to you, a rooster will not crow
until you deny me three times. Then he shifts
gears. Do not let your heart be troubled. Believe
in God. Believe also in me. Well, why? In my
Father's house there are many dwelling places.
If were not so, I would have told you. For I
go to prepare a place for you. If I go and prepare
a place for you, I will come again and receive
you to myself. Notice the focus. That where I
am, there you may be also. Their greatest fear
is abandonment. And he's promising, I'm gonna
prepare a place so that we can be together. And
then he goes on to say, and you know the way
where I'm going. And Thomas said to him, Lord,
we do not know the way that you are going. How
do we know the way? And Jesus said to him, I
am the way. Literally that word is road, hadas.
I'm the path or I am the way, the truth and the
life. No one comes to the Father except through
me. If you had known me, you would have known
my Father also. From now on, you know him and
have seen him. I mean, these are great questions.
Philip goes, well, you know, maybe I've missed
something in this three years, but Lord, show
us the Father and it'll be enough. Jesus said
to him, have I been with you so long that you
still have not come to know the Father? How can
you say, show us the Father? Do you not believe
that I am in the Father and the Father is in
me? The words that I say to you, I do not speak
on my own initiative, but the Father abiding
in me does his work. Believe me that I am in
the Father and the Father is in me. Otherwise,
believe because of the works themselves, speaking
of all the miracles they've seen. Truly, truly,
I say to you, he who believes in me, the works
that I will do. Now listen to this. There's gonna
be hope because there's a place. There's gonna
be hope because I'm gonna come back for you.
There's gonna be hope because you don't really
get it, but I am, I am God. And so I'm going
to keep my promises. Then notice he's going to
say, there's hope because I'm not only not going
to leave you alone, but I have a mission and
a purpose for you. I say to you, you will also
do greater works than these because I go to the
Father. Whatever you ask in my name, that will
I do. So the Father may be glorified in the Son.
If you ask me anything in my name, notice I will
do it. If you love me, you will keep my commandments.
I will ask the Father and he will give you another
helper. Speaking of the Holy Spirit, that he
may be with you forever. That is the spirit of
truth whom the world cannot receive because it
does not see him or abide in him or know him.
But you know him because he abides with you and
will be, notice it's all future, and will be
in you. I will not leave you as orphans. I will
come to you. After a little while, the world
will no longer see me, but you will see me. Because
I live, you will live also. In that day, you
will know that I am in my Father, and you in
me, and I in you. He who has my commandments
and keeps them is the one who loves me. And who
loves me will be loved of my Father, and I will
love him. And my Father and I will come to him,
and I will disclose myself to him. The command
is do not be afraid. In other words, don't let
fear or anxiety. He's speaking to his bride.
Men, as we go through this, I want you to be
thinking first and foremost about what your role
is because you're supposed to love your wife
how? The way Christ loves the church. So first,
he says to his church, you don't need to be afraid
and you don't need to be anxious because I'm
going to take some responsibility for our future.
It's a man's role. Second, he says, why? Because
I'm not going to abandon you and I'm not going
to leave you. A woman's greatest fear is abandonment.
One of her greatest needs is security. And so
Jesus says, you don't have to be afraid. You
don't have to be anxious. Why? I'm going to secure
a place. You ever wondered why I know some of
you have had to move around a lot? And for many
of us as men, I remember we've moved from West
Virginia to Dallas, from Dallas to the West Coast,
from the West Coast to Atlanta, and from Atlanta
back. And each time, these are traumatic things
for my wife. But I remember we were leaving the
West Coast to go to the East Coast, and most
of my kids were grown and still had a daughter
at home. And it was a tiny little house, but
it's where our kids mostly grew up. And my wife
actually went through each room and said goodbye
to the rooms and touched the wall. You know,
if I didn't know her better, I would think she's
really having, you know, a little moment here.
Because see, for me, it's a house. For her, it
was the place. The unit, it was the security.
It's what mattered. It was the home that our
best memories of the transformation of our marriage
and of our children, where it occurred. And for
us men, sometimes we're utilitarian. You know,
it's got four walls. It's got a couple bathrooms.
It looks good to me. You know, who cares if the
curtains are this color or that color and the
furniture doesn't really match or this. It matters
to her. Because it's an environment. It's the
nest. It's the place. And isn't it interesting
that when Jesus leaves the disciples, there is
a place. Not some, you know, mystical floating
around. There's an actual place. And there's
a place of dwelling. There's plenty of them.
They're for you. And I'm going to go prepare
it for you. And I'm going to prepare it for you
because not only there's a place, there's a relationship.
And I want you to feel secure and know there's
hope for the future because I promised to come
for you and I've prepared a place for you. And
then he tells them, by the way, there's a strategy
to get there. We're not just moving. There's
an actual strategy that you can know how to go
from where you're at in your anxiety and fear
to where we're going to be. And often, don't
we? We memorize verses and quote them, and sometimes
we get them so in our mind. Okay, I'm the way,
the truth, and the life. No one comes to the
Father except by me. I got that down. Jesus is
the only way. He's truth. You know, this is where
he reveals his deity. I am the Father, one. We
get all our theology. Do you understand in the
context? There were some very scared young men
who he was telling them, there's hope. It's on
my word. And I want you to know there's a pathway
to this hope that you can trust. There's a game
plan here. It's not like I'm just coming home
and saying, I got transferred or I'm taking a
new job and there's not a game plan and a timing.
And he wanted them to know, how are we going
to get from point A to point B? And basically
he said, I'm the way. I'm the path. And then
the thing about hope is, but what's the purpose?
why are you leaving and why do we have to relocate?
And he goes, you will do greater works. And so
he tells them there's a place. It's rooted in
a promise. He tells them there's a way to get
there. And then he tells them, I have a purpose
for you that everything that you have seen me
do, you actually are going to do greater works.
And I want you to believe in me. And if not for
all of our time and intimacy and relationship,
at least look back on all those miracles and
know this is the way. See, he's building a very
clear pathway so they can know, you know what?
What's he going to tell them later? In the world,
you're going to have tribulation, but I've overcome
the world. My peace at the very end of this chapter,
I give to you. And all of it is rooted around
hope. Someone has rightly said, hope is the oxygen
of the soul. You know, whether you're discouraged
in your marriage or whether there's seasons,
I just call it a grind. Anybody have that? You
know, it's just like you get up, she gets up,
you do this. If you have kids, you take them
here. You got this. There's these evenings you're
supposed to do this. Involved in church, you
do this over here. Okay, every so many weeks.
And you just, you're living in the present completely.
And then when you have some challenges, right?
You're human. You have some challenges. She says
a little something. He said he was gonna do this,
but he didn't do it. You know, one of the kids
you got a problem with and one of you thinks
you ought to do this and the other thinks you
ought to do that and you have a little argument
about it. If you live only in the now, the grind
will eat your relationship up. Hope is a picture
of the future that says that what we're doing
today is going to produce a better tomorrow and
enduring the grind of the todays and the struggles
and the challenges and the little hurt feelings
and the downtimes and the illnesses and the hurt
and the kids who are going astray and the people
that are treating you unfairly. The anchor of
your soul is there's this hope. And ultimately,
yes, it's heaven. Ultimately, it's Jesus coming
back. Ultimately, no one has the power to make
you happy. But if you're a follower of Christ,
he's told you, I am your living hope. I am your
security. I am the deep well of your life. My
spirit dwelling inside of you. He will be with
you and will be... Here's the promise, again,
future, in you. Did you notice how many times
I said, I will listen to you. I will come again.
It's all based on this promise of the future.
In your marriage, you have to build in hope.
And are you ready for this? This sounds so unspiritual.
Look at the title of this session, planning.
Do you realize this is what Jesus is doing? He's
sitting down with his bride and saying, I'm leaving.
But I want you to know the plan. Here's the plan.
The plan is there's a future date and a future
time that you don't know about, and I've got
an amazing house, and that's where we're going
to live. And here's the plan. There's an actual
pathway. It's not I -40. It's not I -75. It's
me. All you gotta do, I'm the path, I'm the truth,
I'm the way. All you do, you follow me and you're
gonna land at the ultimate hopeful place where
we're gonna be together. No sin, no pain, no
problems. Everything you've seen, all the miracles
are normal. And by the way, I have a purpose
for you. You're going to start doing what I've
been doing. In fact, later on, these disciples
don't know it, we're gonna call this the body
of Christ. We use, that sounds like a religious
phrase. Think of how did God express his miracles
and his power when Jesus was walking on the earth?
This is not a trick question. Jesus walks in
and he speaks, little girl, arise. He touches
a person and the leprosy is healed. He teaches
a multitude. He is in Capernaum. How did he get
from Capernaum over to Tiberias? He walked. You
guys are looking at me. I'm making this way too
hard. Jesus was fully God, but he had a physical
body, didn't he? And when he did his miracles,
the Spirit of God, Jesus, God the Son, and God
the Father are working together, and in his physical
body, he spoke, he touched. He walked and he
moved and he accomplished the will of God through
his body. When he was resurrected and the Holy
Spirit came and Pentecost and the church was
born, the spirit of the living God came into
whosoever would believe and turn from their sin
and repent and receive Christ. And so the Holy
Spirit, the fullness of the Godhead came to dwell
inside of you as a follower. And now he says
the body of Christ is not just. one singular
physical body. It's whoever the spirit of God
lives in. So now how does he touch people? How
does he speak to people? How does he love people?
It's through us, right? So he's saying, not only
is there hope about the end, not only do you
know the path, but I've given you a purpose because
each and every time where the spirit of God comes
through the conduit, I kind of see myself like
a piece of PVC pipe. There's all this grace in
heaven that's available and the power of the
Holy Spirit lives in me. And I have to open the
tap and surrender my life so the Spirit can flow
through me. But when the Spirit flows through
me like it flows through any Christians, that's
open. And when something out of my mouth brings
healing or when I take something out of my pocket
and give some money to someone who's hungry or
when I sit across the table and counsel a couple
or when I get to share the gospel and the Spirit
of God uses that and there's life and there's
healing and there's rest. restoration. All I
can tell you, it's unbelievable. You've experienced
it. You've sat across from someone and you heard
them bow their head and pray to receive Christ.
You've talked with them for hours and they decided
not to leave their husband. You saw someone that
was really hurting, was in a terrible situation,
was clinically depressed, and you came around
them and now they're healthy. And what you realized,
God used me. And what's it do? It gives you hope.
It reminds you he's real. There's power. It's
a reality. Where's your hope in your marriage?
See, is your hope that someday, someway, everything's
going to be perfect? Is your hope someday she's
going to be more affectionate? Is your hope someday
we can really have a nice house and when all
that happens, everything's going to be wonderful?
Is your hope is that when we can finally move
closer to my parents so my immediate family will
make me feel better? Is your hope that someone
will no longer ever have to be deployed and then
somehow life will really be wonderful? Is your
hope that when we can have children, then life
is really going to happen? Is your hope somehow
if I, you know, make some career moves, then
we'll make more money and then everything's going
to be okay? Is my hope, do you understand every
single one of those is circumstantial? And every
single one of those can happen tomorrow. And
here's what I can tell you about you and me and
our fallen nature. Give you 30 days and your
hope will be on something else. Just a little
bit bigger house. And wishing you didn't have
so many kids. And what Jesus is telling us is,
There's going to be challenges. It's part of
living in a fallen world. First, it's this attitude
of serving your mate that makes no sense. And
you keep doing it when it works. You keep doing
it when it doesn't work. And you do it as an
act of worship to God. And over time, a transformation
happens in you. You become more and more like
Jesus. And all I can tell you is that when someone
becomes more and more like Jesus, she's more
and more attractive, or he is more and more attractive.
My wife's really attractive. She's very kind.
She's very loving. She's very other -centered.
That was not how she always used to be. And I
spent most of my energy picking apart what I
didn't like about her instead of the 90 % that
I did like about her. And God wants you to know
that serving is the first step, but you have
to have hope. And the way you have hope is you
have to have a plan. I mean, so can I just give
you a couple principles, and then I want to get
real practical. Here's the principle. I mean,
this is from Jesus. Long -term planning provides
hope and perspective to overcome short -term
pain and challenges. Now, just tell me, am I
just reading too much into that? Does he give
them a long -term plan or what? Hey, here's the
long -term plan. You're gonna be with me forever.
I got your back. I'm coming back. No matter what
happens, how bad, how hard, I'm coming back and
there's a place for you. Long -term plan gives
you perspective and hope to overcome short -term
pain and challenges. Second, great plans provides
a specific path. and create hope for tomorrow
and forever. Great plans don't just say, hey,
someday, someway. He could have said, okay, guys,
I'm going to go to the cross a little bit later.
I'm going to go prepare a place for you. Ready?
Break. See you someday, someway, somehow. No,
no, a great plan is, yeah, that's the long -term
plan, but here's where you are today. There's
a specific path. There's specific things we're
going to do. Literally, there's mile markers
that we're going to look at that are going to
move us forward so we can see we're making progress.
Third principle is hope rises and falls with
how we keep our promises. The most devastating
thing we do to one another, and we all do it,
is when we tell our mates something and then
we don't follow through. Breaks trust. What do
we know about Jesus? I would encourage you, you
know, if you read John chapter 14, and you can
even read 15 and 16, and every time the word
I will, I will, I will, I will, I will underline
it. And you know what he's saying? I will. I
keep my promises. I'm preparing a place. And
did you get the why? See, I meet a lot of Christians
that believe God loves them. I don't think they
really believe he likes them. And oh yeah, he
loves me, but I need to do this and I need to
do this and I need to do this and I know I don't
measure up. Do you realize that just you sitting
wherever you're at, whatever level of maturity
with all your issues, that if Jesus walked through
those doors in his resurrected body and sat down
with you, he said, do you want coffee or do you
want tea? And you would sit across from you and
he would just be delighted to hang out. And so,
Do you see the promises that he makes? And so
then the application is practical. Number one,
if you, this is from my Marine father, so don't
look for this in the Bible, but I heard it so
much, it's up there in the Bible with me. Chip,
if you fail to plan, you... Does every person
know that one? It's true. And you know, you plan
for career, you plan hopefully for finances,
you plan for so much. Here's my question. What's
your plan for your marriage? What's your plan
for your marriage? I mean, if I said, okay, hey,
hey, you're the husband, right? Bridegroom, there's
a bride. Okay, guys over here, all you ladies
over there. All right, one by one, line up. Tell
me your plan. What's the game plan? Intimacy
plan, future plan, kids plan, intellectual growth
plan. Spiritual growth plan. Future of your kids,
do you want them to go to college? Do you think
they need to go to college? Do you need to plan
for that? What's your financial plan? If you're
looking at me like, duh, we got a problem. Because
if you don't have a plan, then you don't have
a lot of hope. Because planning, you know what
the word planning is about? Planning. is the
presumption that there will be a future and that
you're doing some things today and you're looking
into the future and saying, these are the important
things that we are going to do and they're things
that you look forward to. Planning is sort of
a thread that takes hope and the hope pulls you,
but it pulls you because there's a plan. I cannot
tell you, I mean, my wife and I, argued, struggled.
You know, we did the, you know, roll in bed,
you know, face the other wall. And we made a
plan. The plan was we would have a date every
single week. It would be on Friday, be for breakfast.
We would eat and we would spend about three hours
together. We would take a walk. We would do whatever.
But during that three or four hour block, she
knew she had me. No phone, no interruptions,
and anything and everything that was building
up in her heart, she knew I'm only six days away
from unloading. And what it gave me was six days
of her not unloading a little every day causing
conflict. And it wasn't like it was just conflict
resolution. We had a plan. What we knew was we
were terrible communicators. We didn't know how
to resolve anger. We didn't even know when we
were angry. We had to have a counselor teach
us, when you're like this, okay, she's passive
aggressive and she buries her anger and you verbalize
your anger. Oh, so that's why you do this, she
does, oh, okay. So we had to learn when we were
angry. So I like right after supper, I mean,
just 15 minutes. We did it three times a week.
Okay, honey, this sounds so artificial. How did
your day go? Superficial, okay, great. How did
your day go? Great. What are you concerned about?
Well, this, this, this. And I shut up. You can't
fix it. Just shut up. What do you wish? Oh, I
wish one of our sons would not be so much this
way. And I'm concerned about our other sons dating
a girl. You know, I wish I felt better. I've
got, you know, this really situation. And what
are you willing to do? And in 15 minutes or 20
minutes, I mean, we learned to not just bury
stuff. but get all the things that are weighing
us down out on the table. And then a question
that you didn't have to do anything. What are
you willing to do? And what happened is in 15
minutes, every other night at least, I found
that this is the burdens and she heard mine.
I mean, she would ask me, how'd your day go?
It's fine. And she wants to talk. And well, I
mean, well, how'd it really go? It's fine. This
church had a lot of meetings. A couple of people
came to Christ. It's great. So what's up? I mean.
And I can't understand why she thinks we don't
communicate, right? I told her. It was fine.
That's not what she wanted to hear. How did you
feel about it? What was going on inside? You
know, right? So we came up with a plan weekly.
We came up with a plan daily. And then for us,
when there's friction, guess what goes out the
door? Romance. And now if you have kids, especially
small ones, It's hard to even find romance. And
so we plan, we scheduled, you know, got other
couples, watch our kids, we were super poor.
We're gonna get away for a couple nights at least
once, try it twice a year. And sometimes you
were just holding on by a thread. We only got,
you know, 62 more days until we can get away.
But two days away would refresh. Are you starting
to get it? Hope. So, what is your career and
family and ministry and future plan for the next
5, 10, or 15 years? Now, I know when I say something
like that, you go, oh my gosh. I mean, that's
sort of a long, big deal. Okay, here's a tool
for transformation. I want to get you started.
I'm going to give you two tools. Here's tool
number one. This changed the course of my life.
It's 34 or 35, three kids, four. Annie had just
been born, was maybe 18 months old. I've got
two 13, 14 -year -olds, about a seven -year -old,
and about a one -year -old. And where I went
to seminary, they had a thing called LEAD, Leadership
Evaluation and Development. And they looked at
your whole life. And you went away with your
wife for a week. And they had a psychologist
talk to you. And someone looked at your preaching.
And people filled out all these forms about your
life, your character. And they literally had
your life. And the goal was to take you through
this four or five days and give you an evaluation
of where you're at and help you see blind spots
so that maybe they could help you skip 10 years
of pain. they thought maybe you have some potential
to make a difference. Two big things happened.
The man who did our interview was one of my mentors
and he looked at Teresa and said, you haven't
told anybody about your past life, have you?
No, I hide it. But she said, I have a problem.
What's that? Well, my little boy is like six
or seven years old and we have a picture of Chip
and I in our marriage and Eric and Jason are
in the picture. I mean, they were like... Four
and a half, five years old. You know, dressed
up little boys carrying the rings and things.
And so our six or seven year old says, Mommy,
how come Eric and Jason got to be in the wedding
picture and I didn't? Well, a little moment of
truth. That's a real tricky one, right? She was
ashamed. She was ashamed that she was told where
we went to school that God would never use your
life. She was told she was a second class citizen.
She lived with guilt. She lived with shame. She
married a guy. She wasn't a Christian. He runs
off with another woman. She told me I would have
committed suicide if I didn't have those babies.
My whole life was in that man. I felt worthless.
And he said, you don't understand. You are a
trophy of God's grace. Look at how God has restored
you and redeemed you. Are you ready for this?
You know what you do with trophies? You take
trophies and you put them up on the mantle. And
you put them on the mantle so people can see.
this is what God did. And we came home from that
and she shared with my seven -year -old boy why
he wasn't in the wedding picture. Shortly afterwards,
we were called to a church in Santa Cruz and
my wife is a, I mean, you would not know it now,
but I mean, was not just an introvert, but super
shy and getting in front of people was not her
thing. And we're flying on the plane. She said,
I want to share my testimony with the church.
I said, what? And, you know, we went from a fairly
small church, and for us it was a pretty good
-sized church, 800 or 900 people. And they had
a Sunday morning and Sunday night. And I said,
well, my first message is Sunday morning. You
want to do Sunday night? She goes, yeah. And
she got up and told her story. Fifty women lined
up. If you know anything about Santa Cruz, it's
drugs, new age, wacky world, broken people. I
mean, just. And God just put us in the perfect
place in the world because two very deeply broken
people went to a place filled with broken people.
And when she shared her story, they finally said,
maybe there's hope for me. And so there's hope.
There's not just hope when everything's okay.
There's hope when you share your brokenness.
The second thing that happened at that that was
critical is I was given an assignment. And I
was told to do this. I want you to go home and
I want you to write out, I want you to add 10
years to everyone's age. So, okay, I'll be 44.
Oh, wow, Eric and Jason will be 22. Ryan will
be 17. Annie will be like 11. And then he says,
now I want you to think about this is where you're
at. I want you to visualize you now have two
kids that I thought. If they're going to go to
college, I'm putting like $50 a month away. You
know, they're doing really well, but they've
got some issues in their life I need to address.
My little boy, he's going to be 17. That's going
to make him like a junior or a senior. And while
10 years from now, I will be this. This is Teresa
and I. And we literally, it just grabbed me and
I realized. I'm living so much in every single
day. I'm not living in a way that is realizing
where do I want to be in 10 years? Where does
God want me to be in 10 years? Where do I want
my marriage to be in 10 years? It was one of
the biggest aha moments of my whole life. I literally,
are you, you know what I did? I made a plan.
I made a plan for my older boys. What am I going
to do between, you know, like 12 and 22? What
is it I want them to know? What kind of time?
What kind of experiences? What am I going to
do with my son who's 11 or 7 and is going to
be 17? And what are the things I learned from
my older boys? And where should we be? This is
where we're at in our marriage. This was a season
where we actually got along. The church was growing.
It was a good season. Wow, what have we done?
Where do I want our marriage to be in 10 years?
I would tell you it'll change the course of your
life. If you would write down, add 10 years to
everyone in your family and start asking yourself
those questions, I will tell you, because left
to yourself, and here's the thing, you think
you don't have enough time. The number one addiction
in America is technology. You have time to read.
You have time to think. You have time to exercise.
You have time to build relationships. Or you
can stick your face in this phone and you can
escape and you can watch movies and you can play
video games. And for some of you, secretly log
on to porn. And you can waste your life. Or you
can come up with a plan. And you can ask for
help. And you can start being a servant. And
I will tell you, your... life will be so different
than everybody else's. And here's the thing that
this thing and all that media does. It just keeps
telling you, you don't measure up. You don't
look right. You don't have the right stuff. And
if only you had, or if only you could, or if
only you were. And so it's all negative messages.
And here's the thing. Some of you are like type
A, highly focused. wired like me. And some of
us have gone after some of those things. And
here's the thing. If you get them in your hand,
you're going to look at it. It's going to be
like, remember the rainbow into the pot of gold?
And you'll look at it and you'll go, as one guy
told me recently, he said, this is it? I mean,
this? I mean, I built a company, did $67 million
last year. I found the beautiful wife. I have
three kids. This is it? This is as empty? I mean,
they promised. I'm in shape. It's a Marine. I
am. I've got what everyone in the world says
will make you happy. And he says, I looked inside
of that, and it was a black hole of emptiness.
And then he had to be driving in the car and
heard a series about heaven and life. that happened
to be from living on the edge, God spoke to him
and he pulled off 101 in California and cried
like a baby and received Christ. And that was
the beginning of a completely new life. And what
I like about him, he went about it like a Marine.
His poor wife. He said it was bait and switch.
It really was. He said two years in, he goes,
my life, my friends, my habits. He said, I learned
God's word is important. I learned prayer was
important. A good Bible teaching church is important.
I got in a small group with my pastor, another
guy and another guy. Man, my addictions, I addressed.
She says, two years, we're having dinner. And
she looked at me and she goes, I don't think
I even know you anymore. And he said, privately,
I'm thinking, yes. And yet what she was saying
was, I married this person. We partied together
and this was our world. who is this guy? Now,
you're a great father and you're treating me
in ways I don't really understand. Kind but weird.
You're doing things I've never seen you do. And
here's my point. You got to have a plan. Add
10 years and then ask yourself, who do you want
that person to be? What do you want that marriage
to look like? The second, this is a real practical
thing because it's like, oh, that's a great big
picture. Structure. Some of us are very spontaneous.
Some are very detail -oriented. If you don't
structure for outcomes, your life will be filled
with good intentions where you start and fail,
start and fail, start and fail. In planning as
a couple, I mean, this week, I mean, I want to
get down to some real basic things. This is just
a suggestion. Some of you are great planners,
way better than me. You have way better ways
to do this. But for those of you that are sitting
here thinking, we don't plan. We just react.
We just respond. Oh, kids need shoes. And by
the way, if you're like most, the women feel
a greater responsibility, and they're always
feeling like, what are we going to do? What are
we going to do? And they feel like we don't lead
well when we don't plan. One of the things that
helped us, I don't know how it works in your
world, but in my world, usually I get a paycheck
every two weeks. Some people it's once a month,
some people once a week. I get a paycheck every
two weeks and have for whenever. We have a, it
doesn't have to be blue, we have a blue folder.
Every bill that comes in goes into that blue
folder. Even the ones that we pay online, we
print it out, goes into that blue folder. Every
two weeks, I sit down with my wife. We have a
checkbook. and she'll take the part that you
subtract, and I'll take the part where we write
the checks. And a lot of them, of course, we
pay online, and I'll write on the bill, and she'll
say, okay, I'll do that online. And we go through
every two weeks, and we do our finances together.
Here's what you need to learn about money. Money
is never about money. Money is about values and
priorities. Every two weeks for 35 years, we've
had a discussion about, What matters? And a lot
of times it was, well, we paid our bills and
now we have $136 to make it through to the next
two weeks. So we're going to put $78 in the grocery
envelope. We're going to put $20 in recreation.
And we're going to put $16 in for gas when you
could buy gas for cheap. And when the money's
out of those envelopes, we're done. And we're
going to stay in the black. And then it was like,
okay, well. Eric needs shoes and Annie needs
this. What should we buy when? And, okay, let's,
the habit is more important than the amount,
so we're going to save $50 a paycheck. That was
our big savings plan. And it became a habit.
The second thing is now we've made those. Then
we open our calendars and we look at, well, okay,
what's coming up the rest of this month and next
month? And we just, we talk about it. Well, you
know, we got a birthday here where I'm supposed
to teach here and we're supposed to do that.
Well, this couple asked us to do that. So what
are we doing? We're planning our life together.
Do you realize how many of your arguments are
about one of you does the checkbook or one of
you does it online? You don't know where things
are at. Your conversations about money are called
arguments. Your conversations about calendar
are called conflict. Well, why did you do that?
Why didn't you tell me that? Well, I don't want
to do that. Well, you always do that. You play
golf. We didn't play golf. I just went out with
the girls and I'm sick and tired of you always
taking our money. Well, you said we were going
to stay on a budget. We make plans and you never
stick with them. Does this sound remotely familiar?
Why? Because I lived them all. Structure. Every
two weeks, this is how much money we have. Visibility,
transparency. What are we going to do with it?
Here's our calendar. At the beginning of every
week, I mean, we've done this so long, it's informal
now. Often it'll be over a cup of coffee. So
what do you have coming up this week? And she'll
just walk through her week. Tell me all the major
things coming. Oh, Annie's going to come over
with the kids in the afternoon. I'm going to
do this. Well, I've got to travel Tuesday and
Wednesday and I'll be back. So that kind of messes
up with our date night. When do you want to do
that? And it can just... Hope for the long term.
Hope once a quarter. Hope with your finances
because you do it together. I am telling you,
you can be proactive in creating a life that
you look forward to something this week. You
look forward to a great time together away. You
look forward to sitting down and having a plan
that it may take time, but we can get out of
debt. Final comment. If you are in a situation,
I wrote this at the bottom, of crisis of debt
or counseling or in -laws or addiction, get outside
help. Get outside help. Pay for whatever it takes.
I had to. And here's the thing. If this reoccurring
problem or conflict in your sex life, in your
finances, debt issues, in -laws, resolving conflict.
You're smart people. If you could have solved
it on your own, you would have solved it by now.
Right? You get outside help. Let me encourage
you to do that. This is Living on the Edge with
Chip Ingram, and we're in our series called Choosing
Love. If you're ready to turn today's challenge
into lasting change, Chip's newest book, I Choose
Love, gives you the practical roadmap you need.
It doesn't just tell you what to do. It shows
you how to do it. You'll learn to recognize the
subtle ways pride and selfishness sabotage your
relationships. You'll discover practical exercises
to develop genuine humility. And you'll see how
choosing agape love, the sacrificial, others
-focused love of God, transforms even your most
difficult relationships. I Choose Love addresses
the real issues we all face. The tendency to
need the last word. The subtle belief that our
perspective is the truth. The grandiosity that
shows up in small ways like chronic lateness.
Chip gets brutally honest about his own struggles,
and he shows you the path forward. If you're
tired of broken relationships and ready to experience
love that actually works, get your copy of I
Choose Love today. Visit livingontheedge .org.
And friend, this Bible teaching program is reaching
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that wraps up today's episode. Don't miss the
next Bible teaching message coming up here on
the Chip Ingram Sermon Podcast. Today's program
is produced and sponsored by Living on the Edge.