This is the Chip Ingram Sermon Podcast, brought
to you by Living on the Edge. In this podcast,
you'll hear Chip's teaching unedited and from
beginning to end. Well, here's Chip Ingram with
a message titled, Serving, How to Deepen Your
Love. My father was in military, Guam, Iwo Jima,
Purple Heart. My wife's father, military, lost
a brother on a ship. Both of our fathers came
out of World War II, alcoholics. We came from
not healthy backgrounds, so we brought that into
our marriage. My wife married early to get out
of the house, had a not good experience. Married
young, put a guy through college. He started
selling drugs, ran off with another woman. She
had two little boys. She was a single mom for
a while. So I got to know her as a friend for
a year or so. And then later we got married.
So blended family, lots of baggage, alcoholic
past. God calls us into ministry. I've never
met anyone who loves God more than my wife. And
I've never met anyone that makes me more crazy
than that woman right there. We couldn't resolve
anger. We couldn't resolve conflict. I mean,
like... It was like we put everything in a truck
within six months after we got married. And after
I'd been a school teacher and a basketball coach
and I'd play ball overseas. And it was like within
six months, it was like, what have we done? I
mean, we were a mess. And within the first year,
by God's grace, where I went to seminary, a guy
named Paul Meyer was teaching a class of the
Meyer Minereth Clinic. And I went and talked
to him and we were broke. And for like the student
rate of $90 a session, which was a huge amount
of money, 12 sessions, it's the best money we
spent that we didn't have. Think on that one,
really. We were making under $1 ,000 a month.
So here's what I want to tell you. Now, we think
we're going to make it. We passed 41 years last
December. And those kids that I got to adopt
have turned out amazingly well. And God gave
us two more. I want to tell you something. Hard
work. The challenges you have, the conflicts
you have, the family origin issues, the financial
issues, the sexual issues, the in -law issues,
welcome to the NFL. Okay? That's real stuff,
and we're going to talk about that. The overarching
theme is how to keep love alive, and I'm going
to talk about four biblical practices that great
marriages have in common. One book that if you
haven't read, it is so worth it and I'll be talking
a little bit more about it later is The Five
Languages of Love. And in the introduction, Gary
Chapman talks about being on a plane and he sits
next to a guy and one thing comes to another
and he says, what do you do for a living? He
goes, well, I'm a marriage counseling and I do
seminars and I write books on marriage. He said,
well, this is my lucky day. And he said, you
know, I love it like you're in love, but does
anyone ever keep love alive? I mean, is it possible?
I mean, do people just say, I guess marriages
are mostly empty and you just grind it out? He
said, is there any way to keep love alive? And
of course, Gary Chapman in his book talks about
that in love, euphoric, over the top dissipates.
But the need to feel loved never goes away. and
you and I are living in a day and in a culture
that basically says the in -love feeling is what
marriage and relationship is all about, and if
you don't have that all the time, you probably
married the wrong person, or we fall in love,
we fall out of love, and so what you need to
do is find the next person, which then you look
at the statistics, and it doesn't work, and the
next one after that doesn't work, and it's chaos.
It's a gift from God to have that euphoric in
-love experience. And what a lot of marriage
needs is how do you keep the passion alive? What
needs to happen in your relationship so that
you feel loved by your mate, so that your emotional
love tank gets filled up by the other person
and vice versa? Because that's part of going
through all the ups and all the downs. And I
want to go to maybe an unusual place. You can
open your Bibles. I want to read a passage. It's
Ephesians chapter 5. And normally what we do
is we talk all about, you know, it talks about
what a woman should do and be. And then it talks
about what a man should do and be. And then it
has this little line at the end that says, oh,
but this is really about the mystery of Christ
in the church. Follow along. Ephesians 5. I'll
pick it up at verse 25. Husbands. I mean, you
talk about a hard assignment. Love your wives.
How? Just as Christ also loved the church. Well,
how did he do that? And gave himself up for her.
Why? So he might sanctify her, set her apart,
having cleansed her by the washing of the water
with the word. Well, why? That he might present
to himself the church in all her glory, having
no spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that
she would be holy and blameless. Parallel. So
husbands ought to love their own wives as their
own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself.
For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes
it and cherishes it. Just as Christ also does
the church. Because we are members of his body.
And then he goes back and reaches into Genesis,
that classic passage. For this reason a man shall
leave his father and mother. and shall be joined
to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.
Look at verse 32. This mystery is great, but
I'm speaking with reference to Christ and the
church. In other words, there's this model of
marriage that's a love relationship between Jesus
and his church. And then he kind of brings it
back down to everyday life. Nevertheless, Each
individual among you must also love his own wife,
even as himself, and his wife must also see to
it that she respects and honors her husband.
And I was thinking and praying and asking God,
you know, Lord, what do you want to say to this
group of people? And that passage kept going
over and over and over. And what I realized is
very rarely do we take how Jesus loves the church
and use that as our model for how we're to love
one another. marriage. And so what I want you
to do now is to open to John chapter 13. And
this is a time where the disciples are being
told to go prepare the last supper. They don't
know it's the last supper. It's just Passover.
They're Jewish boys. It's a very important moment.
They're going to reenact that moment where God
delivered his people and the blood was put on
the doorpost and the lamb is going to be killed.
And all these things are going to happen. And
Jesus has been telling them for some time now
that the religious leaders are going to kill
him. And he sends them on ahead. And now imagine.
the parallel is going to come. You can look at
your notes and you can sort of look ahead. But
what I want you to get is the context and where
Jesus was. He sends them on ahead and they get
to this upper room. And when they get to the
upper room, we learn the commentary is from one
of the other gospels on the way there, what they
were discussing. Does anybody remember? Who was
the greatest? I mean, after three years, and
you're going to hand over the ministry to save
the world to a group of guys that have been with
you. They've seen you raise people from the dead.
They've seen you feed 5 ,000, 4 ,000. They've
seen you walk on water. They've heard all your
sermons and all your messages. And you got like
24 hours with them. And their big argument is,
we know he's leaving. And so who's going to be
the top dog now? I mean, who's going to get so
many stars or stripes, right? So they walk in
and I think the Lord created this little test
for them. And when you would walk the dusty streets,
everyone wore sandals. And when you would walk
in a room, there would be a large jar and then
probably the lowliest servant in the household
would be there. And when you came in, they would
wash your feet off and towel them dry. So all
12 of them walk in and no one humbles himself
because I'm better than that. This is about me.
It's about I'm more important than that. That
job's too lowly. In other words, here, the last
night and their passion and their focus is my
needs about me and my role and what I need and
who ought to serve me. Is there like a remote
sense that any of us have felt that way in your
marriage? You know, like, now, Let's push it
a little farther. After all he's done for them,
think of what he's done for them. Think of not
just the time teaching. I mean, can you imagine
having a struggle and it's kind of late at night
and you all have taken a long walk and you go
over by the fire and say, hey, Jesus, could we
talk? He says, sure. And he shares with you on
and off for three years. And after all he's done,
this is how they, Treat him. This is what they've
learned. Any of you in your marriage ever felt
like you've really gone out of your way, you've
really tried to do your best, you're being the
best husband or the best wife or whatever, and
then you feel like your mate is kind of dissing
you? That's where Jesus is at emotionally. So
let's find out, how does he respond? John chapter
13, pick it up at verse one. Now before the feast
of the Passover, Don't miss this. Jesus, knowing
that his hour had come and that he would depart
out of this world to his father and having loved
his own who were in the world, he loved them
to the end. In other words, this is gonna be
one of his greatest acts of love. During the
supper, the devil had already come into the heart
of Judas Iscariot, the son of Simon, to betray
him. Jesus, knowing the father had given all
things to his hands and that he'd come forth
from the father and it was going back to God,
got up from supper, laid aside his garments,
taking a towel, he wrapped it around or girded
himself. He poured water into a basin and he
began to wash the disciples' feet and to wipe
them with a towel which he was girded around
his waist. Then he came to Simon Peter and he
said, Lord, do you wash my feet? Jesus answered
and said to him, What I do, you do not realize
now, but you will understand hereafter. Peter
said to him, never shall you wash my feet. And
Jesus answered, if I do not wash your feet, you
have no part with me. And then Simon Peter said,
Lord, then wash not only my feet, but also my
hands and my head. And Jesus said to him, he
who has bathed needs only to wash his feet, but
is completely clean. And you are clean, but not
all of you. For he knew the one betraying him.
And for this reason, he said, not all of you
are clean. So when he had washed their feet,
taken his garment, reclined at the table again,
he said to them, do you know what I have done
to you? You call me teacher and Lord and you
are right for so I am. If I then the teacher
and the Lord washed your feet, you also ought
to wash. one another's feet. I gave you an example
that you also should do as I did to you. And
then we get this moment. Truly, truly, I say
to you, a slave is not greater than his master,
nor is the one who is sent greater than the one
who sent him. If you know these things, you are
blessed if you do them. Let me skip over because
he's now gonna talk about his going and Judas
is going to get up. And at the end of this supper,
if you skip all the way to verse 34, he says
to them, 33 for context, little children, I'm
with you a little while longer. You'll seek me,
as I said to the Jews. Now I say to you, where
I'm going, you cannot come. A new commandment
I give to you, that you love one another even
as I have loved you, that you also should love
one another. How did he just love them? He served
them. Who deserved to be the head and who chose
to be the servant? Who should have been offended
and who chose to humble himself? who knew, was
secure enough to know where he came from and
where he was going and didn't have to have their
approval. And so being secure and knowing his
role, he could love them and he's going to love
them to the end. And now what he says to them,
this new commandment, I don't want you just to
love. I want you to love each other the way I
loved you. Now look at verse 35 in your Bible.
Notice the impact. By this, all men will know
that you are my disciples. Why? By how you love
one another. Because you love one another the
way I love you. And I will tell you, that starts
in our marriages. I mean, I want a great and
fulfilling marriage. I want to be happy and feel
loved and connected and accepted and all those
good psychological words, right? We all do. But
I want you to remember that your marriage isn't
just about your personal fulfillment. Other than
the church of Jesus Christ, your relationship
with your mate is the single most powerful testimony
of the reality of God. And when people see in
the midst of not it's perfect, you've got it
all together, in the midst of struggle and difficulty
and sick children and dysfunctional past. and
big mess ups and huge mistakes and forgiving
of one another and working through conflict,
when they watch you love one another through
all that, that's the power. And God will use
your lives in amazing ways. So I always want
to remind us as we get started, because we've
grown up in the consumer world. Man, I will tell
you, we are bombarded every day. It's about you.
It's about you. Are you happy? You deserve to
be happy. Are you fulfilled? Are you feeling
okay today? Is everything all right? You deserve
a break today. The life is about you. If you're
not happy right now, then something's wrong.
If you ache somewhere, there's a pill or we can
give you an injection or we'll give you a surgery.
There's something. You should never have a problem.
You should never have a struggle. You should
never be sad. You should never be disappointed.
Everything should be perfect and you can buy
something to get that. See, the whole point of
advertisement is to help you understand that
there's deficit. And you can buy or have something
or someone that'll solve it. And it's a lie from
the pit of hell. If you can't be happy with who
you actually are in your relationship with God,
you have no hope of being happy with anyone else.
No one has the power to do that in your life.
In fact, the weird part of how God designed life
to be is it's when you give your life away that
the greatest fulfillment and the greatest joy
you get. And so you'll notice that's the teaching
of Jesus. His motive, what was his motive in
serving him? Love. His action, he washes their
feet. Did you notice that just because you love
someone, it doesn't always work, that some of
them accepted it readily and some of them couldn't
accept it? Why couldn't Peter accept it? He was
embarrassed, wasn't he? He just realized, I mean,
I think every one of those guys, as he went one
by one by one, is going, oh, I just wish I would
have washed my feet. You know, I tell God, I
just wish that I, this is painful. You know,
when you're really getting something you don't
deserve and you're just, I mean, when you're
exposed, I mean, those guys were exposed. They're
just going, oh my gosh. I mean. Any of us could
do this, but not him. And when it got to Peter
and his arrogance, he goes, no, this is unacceptable.
He thought he was being spiritual. You know,
sometimes when we want to serve our mate, sometimes
out of some faulty thinking, our mate won't let
us. It's one thing to serve, but there's another
thing in this passage, you have to be willing
to receive it. Some people are very uncomfortable
receiving. Some people from family of origins
believe down deep in their heart, almost below
the conscious level, I'm unworthy, I'm unlovable.
And when you seek to love them and care for them
and speak words of life, it's like BBs off of
a tank. My wife's self -image was so low when
we first got married. She so viewed herself after
her family background, being abandoned by this
person, by being rejected. And I mean, she's
kind, she's beautiful, she's intelligent, she's
gifted, and she's godly. All of that was absolutely
true objectively, told by me and friends and
others. And then she would look in the mirror
and she saw unworthy. I mean, one of the biggest
things in our marriage counseling was she couldn't
receive any love. She couldn't receive a compliment.
It just made me nuts. So I got really frustrated.
When I get frustrated, I'm not very loving. What's
wrong with you, you know? And so no matter how,
here's a hard time in marriage. When you're trying
your very, very best, right? And you're thinking
you're really loving the other person and you're
trying really hard and it gets worse instead
of better. That's when you have these really
scary moments like, I don't think this can ever
work. I don't think this can ever work. And I
want you to know there's hope and it can. And
we're gonna learn. From this passage, the beginning
of how to restore your passion. The principles
out of this passage to identify, to deepen your
love. Number one is love is not a feeling. Jot
that down. Love is not a feeling. Romantic, emotional
feelings are good. Just don't confuse them with
love. Definition of love. I've kind of just taken
what the scriptures teach and. Package it together.
Love is giving another person what they need
the most when they deserve it the least at great
personal cost. I'll say that again because I
have to remember it a lot. Love is giving another
person what they need the most when they deserve
it the least at great personal cost. And if you
would just pause for a moment and think in your
mind, what happened at the cross? What did God
the Son do? He gave us what we needed the most,
forgiveness. When we deserved it the least, we
were his enemies. We were hostile to him at great
personal cost. And what did the Father do? He
gave the Son. And that's our model. And by the
way, it's... It's the supernatural power of God
in us to do that. I can't do that on my own,
and you can't do that on your own. Notice also,
love is serving. And if you redefine love in
your marriage, it's putting the needs of your
mate above your own. You might jot down Philippians
2, verses 3 and 4. Paul is talking about what
it really looks like to love, and he says, do
nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but
with humility of mind, consider others more important
than yourself. Do not look only on your own interests,
but also on the interests of others. And again,
it's the kingdom. It's completely upside down.
I live in a world, I'm bombarded in a world that
says, get, get, get. consume, consume, consume,
me, me, me, my needs now. And when two people
in marriage each want their needs met, what happens?
It doesn't work. Now, here's the hard part. At
least in my little world, I thought once I started
giving that magic would happen and Teresa would
just respond overnight and it'd be wonderful.
And it was not. And I think she felt like the
same thing. One of the greatest lessons I learned
was the only person that can change Teresa is
Teresa. And the only person that can change Chip
is Chip. And so in my marriage... Instead of
all those thoughts in your mind, if she would
only do this, if she would start doing this,
if he would stop doing this, if he would start
doing this, if he would just pick up his stuff,
how many times have I told him this, if he would
just call when I said, if she would just be more
affectionate, blah, blah, blah. Since you can't
change them, here's the deal. You just say, Lord,
I can't change that person, but there's a supernatural
dynamic. I'm gonna follow your example and I'm
gonna do for my husband or I'm gonna do for my
wife what Jesus did for his disciples. I'm so
secure in who I know you are and who I am, I'm
going to serve and I'm going to care and I'm
going to sow seeds of love that serve them, that
meet real needs in them. Because here's what
happens. When your mate gets more and more whole,
they change. They really do change. But how's
nagging working? Anybody? Anybody? Or blaming,
how's that one? How about the old ought and should?
You ought to do this. You should. That's how
parents talk to children. You never. You always.
Those are like four words you should eliminate
from marriage along with divorce. Go to your
little dictionary and cut it out. Divorce. Get
it out. Ought, should, always, never. Does anyone
always do anything? Does anyone never? I mean,
you never help. Really? I mean, really? You ought.
So it's serving. It's putting their needs. Third
principle here is that love must be received.
Ask yourself. Sometimes when you're hurt and
you're resentful of your mate and they try and
do something kind, what do you do? You want to
make them pay, right? I'm not going to receive
it right now. You know, they try and be a little
affectionate or they say something kind. I'm
not ready to make up right now. I'm going to
twist that old knife, you know. Why? Peter. Peteris.
Miss Peter. I don't know. Why? So you have to
let down your guard. There's this idea that we're
going to, like it's some sort of game. You do
this and I'll do that and I'll pay you back and
you do this. That's how you ruin relationships.
I read the passage, the two become one. There's
no such thing as a winner and a loser. It's either
win -win or lose -lose. Every interaction, every
conversation, every fight, every disagreement,
every big issue, it's either a win -win or it's
a lose -lose. Man, you can feel better for like
15 minutes like, I got my way or she better do
that or he's finally. And guess what? One of
them, when resentment or hurt or woundedness
happens in one person because the other thinks
they won, I'll tell you what, you just so exceed
the discord. Believe me, it'll pop up later.
And so, well, then how do you do this? Did you
notice even that love is unconditional? You might
jot that down. By the way, this takes supernatural
Holy Spirit power in you. Sometimes, have you
ever felt like... I just don't feel like loving
my mate right now. You know the right thing to
do? Anybody ever, you just know for sure what
the right thing to do is like forgive them or
the right thing to do is to take the initiative
to make up and then this comes to your mind.
You know what? I think eight out of 10 times,
I always take the initiative. I'm not doing it
this time. Because it's not really eight out
of 10 times because you're in denial. It's probably
only 6 .5 or something, right? And the Holy Spirit,
you hear that little nudge, and then it's like
they don't deserve it. Like somehow, this isn't
like spiritual ping pong. They don't deserve
it, the ball going back and forth. It's what's
going to make the relationship right? What's
the outcome? Do you realize that there was one
person whose feet got washed that Jesus knew
would betray him later? Talk about unconditional
love. It's not just he didn't deserve it. It
was this person, this person's gonna be a part
of the plan that takes me down the path of absolute
betrayal. So then what are the practical implications?
Practical implication number one is that love
is a choice. It's not insincere to do actions
and say words of kindness and serve and help
your mate when you don't feel like it. Have you
ever heard that one? Well, I really would, but
I don't want to be a hypocrite. I mean, I don't
want to say something nice if I really don't
mean it, or I don't want to do something nice
if I don't really mean it. Was Jesus having any
ooey -gooey feelings when he went to the cross,
when he was praying in the garden? I mean, if
emotions are what love is, then Jesus didn't
love you and he didn't love me. He said, nevertheless,
not my will, but yours. Love is a choice. And
when you get that, and loving means I'm going
to choose to serve my mate when they deserve
it. I'm going to choose to serve my mate when
they don't deserve it. And I'm going to choose
to serve them unconditionally. And if that doesn't
get you into a life of prayer and time in God's
word to say, Lord, I can't do that. Nothing will.
But I will tell you, one person can completely
turn a relationship around. Don't always guarantee
the person's going to change overnight. But I'll
tell you, love never fails. Don't confuse that
with a doormat. Don't confuse that with giving
the person their way all the time. But I mean
serving and loving and caring. It's a choice.
Second implication is love meets the needs of
the one loved. You know, Jesus could have come
in and just not even notice that their feet were
dirty. So you gotta love people in a way that
makes sense to them. You have to observe what
are the needs? What's going on in their life?
That was my biggest, biggest challenge in our
marriage was I was loving my wife in ways that
it was like I spoke German and she spoke French
and I was trying hard and she was trying hard.
And I mean, we were just completely missing each
other. And it was so frustrating because I didn't,
things that said I love you to her, I didn't
even notice. I didn't know about her family of
origin. I didn't know where her wounds were.
I didn't know sort of her language of love. I
didn't understand how she was wired. All I knew
was this is how I feel loved, so I loved her
the way I felt loved. And it was like, I remember
she telling me, I can't believe you did this.
You must not love me. And I'm thinking, I've
been trying to love you like crazy and you think
I've been there? Another implication is love
requires extreme humility and security. Did you
notice? I mean, this is God the Son humbling
himself, bending down, washing feet. And humility
is rooted in being secure, knowing who you are,
where you came from. In our case, it's knowing
who you are in Christ. You're a son, you're a
daughter, you're valued, you're loved. Your value
as a person isn't how your mate is currently
responding to you. You can desire for them to
love you and come through for you and meet your
needs. You don't need them to come through for
you and meet your needs to be a whole person.
When you need them, To love you in a certain
way, that's called codependency. Your life can
only work when everything's going okay. And so
it creates all kind of dysfunction. When you
can serve and understand, I don't like this.
There's times where it was, God, I don't even
want to do this. I'm going to do this for you
because right now I'm too ticked off at her to
do it for her. But I'm going to choose to do
this activity and say these words as an act of
worship to you. And wow, first of all, it changed
her and it changed me. But it was a choice. And
it was challenging. And it was dependency of
the Holy Spirit. And see, that's a whole different
paradigm than I don't feel this today. I don't
feel that. You never do this. You ought to do
that. We always fight about money. You never
want to have sex. You know, your parents are
crazy. You know, we talk about disciplining the
kids and you never follow through. Well, you
weren't home and then I come back and then you
try and run the show when you get back home.
I've been living in your kitchen, right? The
tool for transformation I want to give you is
we're going to learn the five languages of love,
and I'm going to tell you it'll be the beginning
of a new day. I'll give you the picture of this
is how this works. So one of my love languages
are words that affirm. And another love language
of mine is physical touch. So, and I probably
after that is quality time. And by God's grace,
that's quality time is probably her number two
and my number two. And so early in our marriage,
I think I'm loving my wife. And so I'm telling
her, you look beautiful. I love you, verbal.
I care for you. You're wonderful. BB's off of
a tank. And by the way, she doesn't say that
to me. I'm an extrovert. She's an introvert.
She doesn't say a lot. There's times we get in
the car and we're driving for 30 minutes. I grew
up in a family where you didn't take turns, you
just interrupted one another. You know, it was
like, I mean, my mom grew up in this city that
was very Italian. We were very Italian. You know,
someone's talking, someone interrupts them and
they interrupt you and then, no, let me tell,
and everyone's telling stories and, you know,
like that. She came and visited my family and
it was like, these people are crazy. She didn't
get a word in edgewise. Well, we're a verbal
family. Hers, I mean, you hear a pin drop at
supper, you know? And so we're driving in the
car for like 30 minutes. And so being the man
and having bizarre thoughts, I think, I wonder
how long, I'm not going to say anything and see
how long it takes her to say something to me.
You know? Okay, you know? And, you know, it's
10 minutes, 22 minutes. And now, I mean, I'm
just like. And I'm so ticked off. And we're getting
ready to be where we're supposed to be. And,
you know, she's looking out the window. You know,
like that. And then, in the nick of time, she
says this. I'll never forget it. She turns to
me and she goes, isn't it wonderful just to be
with the person that you love and not have to
say a word? You know, on this drive, I've just
looked at the hills. And the animals, and it's
been so beautiful. I'm thinking, I'm so glad
I didn't say something on that one, you know.
And so I would say things like that, and it meant
nothing. And on another occasion, I thought,
you know, I'm working really hard, and I wasn't
real detail -oriented, to say the least. And
we're in seminary, and so I go and get some flowers
for her, you know. I played a lot of pickup basketball,
and I would lose track of time, and I kept coming
home late, and we'd always argue about it, and
I was trying to make up for it, you know, so
I bring these flowers or something, and she,
what? She takes them like that. She says, what
are you doing? Well, you don't like flowers?
Chip, we only have $10 in our checking account.
How much do those cost? Just a little bit more
than $10. So here's what I want you to get. I'm
trying to express my love in ways that are not
communicating, all right? And so on her side,
I mean, we're in marriage counseling, okay? We're
trying. So she, I mean, cooks these great meals,
and the house is always beautiful, and I mean,
she takes care of everything. I mean, just because...
One of her love languages is acts of service.
So she's saying, I love you with a great meal.
I'm saying, you know what? I'll eat a peanut
butter and jelly sandwich. Hug me like this and
say, you're awesome, Chip, and you're handsome,
and I think you're brilliant, and you look so
sexy tonight. There's my love language, right?
Oh, the house looks really clean. It is a wonderful
meal, okay? And so she's feeling like I'm rejecting
her love. Now, guys, I'm going to skip ahead.
All right? Because there's some real breakthroughs.
As I learned to love her in a way that made sense
to her, and she learned what my love language
was, little by little by little, see, what happens
is there's all kind of issues, right? I mean,
we had some deep stuff, family. When you grew
up in an alcoholic family, we had some challenging
trauma. We have a blended family. I mean, there's
a lot of deep and insightful things and things
we had to work on. And we were working and working
and working. But if your emotional tank is empty,
you don't want to work at it. You don't care.
It's just like it's not worth it. And so if you
can learn to meet the emotional needs. of your
mate, then what happens is you kind of get enough
gas in the emotional tank to work on those things
that some of them take a long time. But the testimony
of God is, I mean, how many of you prayed to
receive Christ one night and just became like
the Apostle Paul the next day? Right? You know,
it's a journey. And the same is true in your
marriage. I mean, in every area, you learn to
communicate. You learn to develop a satisfying
sex life for both of you. You learn to come up
with a financial plan and a budget that works
for you. You learn to relate to your various
in -laws in ways that are both accepting and
set boundaries. But isn't it a journey doing
all that? And somehow, I mean, you know, I...
I played basketball and baseball in college and
then a few times overseas. What I can tell you
is when I coach kids, here's the deal. You've
got to learn to dribble. You've got to learn
to block out. You've got to learn to pass. You've
got to learn to rebound. I mean, there's fundamentals
and skills, and you have to practice and practice
and practice, and then you put it all together.
It's a process. And you're going to be, you know,
41 years. I'd like to say, oh, we don't argue.
We never have any problems, but I'd be a liar.
Now, we don't have the kind of arguments that
attack each other. And, you know, after 41 years,
I know her buttons and she knows mine. And I
mean, I'm still, my love language is words of
affirmation. So guess what? I'm super sensitive
when the tone of her voice is even a little bit
critical. If it's a 25 cent criticism, in my
brain, it goes $25. And I can, you know, I've
learned not to respond too much, but it kind
of hurts. So let's go through the five love languages.
And then I'm gonna give you some keys to discover
yours. The first love language is words of affirmation.
Some of us, words are super powerful. A compliment.
A word of appreciation. For some, just saying
some words, right? recognizing things about your
character, saying something out loud in front
of the children where a wife says she respects
you, being out in public and saying a compliment
about your mate, something you admire about them.
And I don't mean in some phony, artificial way.
And some people, you're not verbal. And you're
married to someone that their number one love
language is words of affirmation. And you know
what? They're starving. And you go, but I cook
great meals. They're starving. I gave him a nice
gift or I gave her a nice gift. They're starving.
What they need is words of affirmation. So what
do you do? You go into training and you come
up with devices to become a person who shares
words of affirmation because love is a choice.
What is it that... allows them to come alive?
What fills their tank? And then you just become
a student who says, I'm going to flat out choose
to figure out what fills her tank or fills his
tank. And whether it comes naturally or not naturally,
how in the world can we give more energy to our
profession, more energy to our business than
we would to the person that we lie in the same
bed with and say, I don't know what it's going
to take, but I'm going to I'm going to learn
and that I'm going to do it when it feels good.
I'm going to do it when I don't feel anything
at all. And I'm going to do it when it feels
bad. Because that's what love is. That's what
real love is because you're going to serve them.
So words of affirmation is self -explanatory.
But think of all the different things that you
can say. Sometimes it's asking questions. Tell
me a little bit more about that. How did that
go? How did that make you feel? What happened
in your day today? Wow, that's very interesting.
That was very insightful. I just, you know, I'm
amazed at how God has your mind work and you
process information. You know, I really thought
the way you interacted with our son after he
was so disrespectful. Boy, I tell you what, you're
a godly man. I'm honored to be married to you.
How you responded to, you know. your boss or
that supervisor and the way he treated you, wow,
I'm so proud to be your husband or be your wife.
The second one here is quality time. This is
just being with one another. For me and Teresa,
it is our common love language. And I'm guessing
it's really probably number two, maybe 2 .5 for
me. I travel quite a bit, both here and internationally,
and before have pastored some churches that were
pretty large, and so a lot of demand. And so
we, I mean, every Friday we had a date. And just
because of the age of our kids, I would drop
them off on Friday morning because I had Saturday
night and Sunday services. And we just had a
four -hour block, 25 years. And then what I learned
was we had to connect because of our communication
difficulties after supper every night. 10, 15,
sometimes 30 minutes, but we're gonna connect.
And we actually went through a script. I mean,
it sounds real structured. You know, what are
you concerned about? What do you wish? What are
you willing to do? Until we just got where every
day in supper or right afterwards, we would connect
at the heart level. But we put it in. Today,
We are early risers and we start most days in
the wee hours of the morning where we get to
see the stars. I learned acts of service. So
15 years ago, I started making coffee instead
of her. I'd make it the night before and bring
her a cup of coffee, sit on the floor and just
talk. When I get home and we want to reconnect,
often it'll be, hey, do you need to go to the
grocery store or Target or anything? Because
there's just something about when you've been
away from each other. She hates to grocery shop.
I mean, to me, Costco's like, whoa, you know?
But just doing things together or do you need
to run some errands? Just being together. You
want to take a walk with the dog and you just
hang out. And there's something that communicates
to both of us that we're connected when we just
hang out together. And so we do a lot of hanging
out. And the good news is that's easy for both
of us. So for me, that acts of service are things
fixed, are things picked up. Early in our marriage,
she would work very hard and she would do all
the laundry and it would be on the bed and stacked,
you know, t -shirts and this and this and that.
And so I would walk in being very busy and I
would take all of them off the bed when it's
time to go to bed and put them on the dresser.
And they might be on the dresser for three or
four days. And she would just look at me like,
don't you love me? And I mean, you gotta understand,
when you're as warped as I am, what do you mean,
don't I love you? Well, there's all the clothes
that I made and spent all that time to serve
and love you on the dresser. And you know, forgive
me, ladies, but I'm so hard -headed. What in
the world does clothes on the bed got to do with
love? Love's about kissing, right? And you know,
love was like, in my brain, not... Fixing the
disposal and the washing machine leaks. What's
love got to do with it? Got to do with it. And
you know what I learned? I literally had to write
these things on cards. And every time I build
a habit, as soon as I see it, I put it away.
As soon as I see it, I put it away. When I walk
by the trash can each and every day, I look in
there and she'll say, well, almost every day.
But I, you know, it's, you know, because what
I've learned, that means I love you. And I resisted
and I didn't like it and it was ticked off and
it didn't make sense. And then finally I thought,
Chip, do you love your wife or not? Answer, yes.
Well, if that means I love you to her, why don't
you just shut up and do it? And so I just started
shutting up and doing it. And then she has very
sacrificially learned to talk and give words
of affirmation. And encouragement. And she would
probably say. Yes he's verbal. We've had conversations
where. Oh my gosh. She's almost afraid. So what
are you learning right now? Oh I've got to tell
you. I don't want to hear that. She goes I don't
want the whole sermon right now. Let me get it
later. Or what's going on with you. Or what happened
when you were in China. Whatever. And I have
to learn to. I'm still learning. But she listens.
She asks questions. She gives me words of affirmation.
And it fills my tank. And I'm learning to fill
her tank. Words of affirmation. Quality time.
You drink coffee. You take walks. You go to coffee
shops. Yes, you actually walk around those little
shops. You know? and then at times sit on the
bench outside and say, I'll just be here. Why
don't you take your time in there? But you go.
The third is receiving gifts. Some people, that's
their love language. And they don't have to be
expensive. But, you know, you make something
for them. Or sometimes they are expensive. And
see, by the way, now here's where conflict comes.
Some of us, by nature, are our spenders and some
of us are savers. Some of us, when we see money
and the way we think about money, we think about
saving and investing and that's a good use of
money. And other people think this is money and
what you do is you spend it to love people and
do wonderful things. When those two people get
married, there's a little conflict. And if they
can, you learn to communicate, it's a blessing
because having money stacked up that make you
feel secure somehow, and not enjoying the good
gifts God's given is not very smart, or spending
more than you actually have is not very smart
either. But in this whole issue of gifts, some
people love surprises, some people hate surprises.
Some people are surprised what the gift is like,
but it can be the gift of, I was actually talking
with someone earlier, and he was saying, you
know, Valentine's Day, I got a card in my lunch.
Then I got a card, like his wife. Little gifts,
three little cards that said, you matter, I'm
thinking of you, I value you. The gift of a phone
call, the gift of a text, I'm thinking about
you today. You know, I was at this little store
and I know it's really crazy, but I know you
collect those cups from different cities and
I saw this as I was traveling and when I come
home, I got it for you. You know, my wife likes
pink, so sometimes when I'm traveling around
and I'm not always sure about... I'm not the
artist type, but maybe it looks like it might
fit her. I'm not very good at picking it out,
but I'll just bring her something. That's not
real high on her list, but ask yourself, is that
when you feel special? Often, so much of this
grew out of when you were a kid and your family
and how they celebrated you. Ask yourself. Words
of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts,
acts of service. I mean, it's... It's helping
out. It's working in the yard together. It's
taking care of things. It's making sure they're
fixed. For some of you, that comes really naturally.
And by the way, here's the thing. The unconscious
thing most of us do is whatever our love language
is, we express that to our mate because since
it is loving to us, we assume it's to them. And
rarely is it the same. The final one here is
physical touch. And most men rank that pretty
high. Don't confuse that completely with sexual
intercourse. I don't know that I've met many
men ever who've told me most women probably have
no idea how deeply affirming a man feels when
his wife wants to be with him and really expresses
her love sexually. It just is the way it is.
But physical touch is far more than that. That
can be a squeezing of the hand. It might be when
you're sitting, you sit close to them. It might
be a tap on the shoulder when you pour a cup
of coffee. It might be when you're sitting, I've
seen someone rub someone's hair. But there's
people that, our whole bodies are made to be
touched. And there's something about, I mean,
think of what happens in a crisis. What's the
first thing that people do in the middle of a
crisis when they see one another? They hug, right?
So here's what I want you to do. I want you to
write down what you think your top two love languages
are. And let me give you two ways. For many of
you, it's like you know right now. But here's
one way. What bothers you the most? What really
bothers you the most? Like if, I mean, how come
he didn't notice I did all the dishes? How come
she didn't notice I cut the lawn, I fixed this,
I did this, I did this? Or how come, I mean,
she didn't even say thanks. There were no words.
If it really bothers you, that's a good indicator
it's your love language. The other one is, is
what do you ask for the most? I mean, when you're
getting really honest and you're saying, hey,
you know, at some point in time. What says I
love you to you? What are you asking for? What
do you want from your mate the most? That is
probably your number one love language. I mean,
listen carefully. unconsciously what we do is
we all have challenges in our marriage. And okay,
it's a problem. And he does this or that, she
does that. And she doesn't do this or he doesn't
do this. And it really bothers you. And you keep
looking at that and you focus on that and focus
on that, focus on it. You know what you start
doing? You start looking at your relationship
through that lens. And then pretty soon, if this
isn't a good marriage and I don't really like
this and you become very, very negative. And
the fact of the matter is if you would pull that
way back, you have really in general, a really
good marriage with lots of normal problems. And
here's the thing. If you focus on that little
10 or 20 % that's negative, it will grow. If
you begin to fill up your mate's need for love
in the language that makes sense to them, I will
tell you what, this thing will keep shrinking
and shrinking and shrinking and shrinking. And
then there are some things, we're going to talk
about how you really deal with, but you'll have
capacity. You'll have some capacity to deal with
it in a way that isn't critical and it's not
make or break. The biggest thing I see with couples
is you think you have these problems that are
insurmountable and you've fallen out of love
and there's no hope or you're on the edge when
what you don't realize is you're just on the
25 -yard line. You just need to make a couple
more first downs. And believe me, there's a great
future ahead of you, but you got to make a couple
first downs. We can't do this, Lord, without
you. Fill us with your spirit. Fill us with your
power. Lord, help us to choose to love when we
don't feel like it. That's probably when we love
the most. This is Living on the Edge with Chip
Ingram, and we're in our series called Choosing
Love. If you're ready to turn today's challenge
into lasting change, Chip's newest book, I Choose
Love, gives you the practical roadmap you need.
It doesn't just tell you what to do. It shows
you how to do it. You'll learn to recognize the
subtle ways pride and selfishness sabotage your
relationships. You'll discover practical exercises
to develop genuine humility. And you'll see how
choosing agape love, the sacrificial, others
-focused love of God, transforms even your most
difficult relationships. I Choose Love addresses
the real issues we all face. The tendency to
need the last word. The subtle belief that our
perspective is the truth. The grandiosity that
shows up in small ways like chronic lateness.
Chip gets brutally honest about his own struggles,
and he shows you the path forward. If you're
tired of broken relationships and ready to experience
love that actually works, get your copy of I
Choose Love today. Visit livingontheedge .org.
And friend, this Bible teaching program is reaching
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that wraps up today's episode. Don't miss the
next Bible teaching message coming up here on
the Chip Ingram Sermon Podcast. Today's program
is produced and sponsored by Living on the Edge.