WEBVTT 00:00:00.880 --> 00:00:04.559 This is the Chip Ingram Sermon Podcast, brought 00:00:04.559 --> 00:00:07.719 to you by Living on the Edge. In this podcast, 00:00:07.980 --> 00:00:10.539 you'll hear Chip's teaching unedited and from 00:00:10.539 --> 00:00:14.039 beginning to end. Well, here's Chip Ingram with 00:00:14.039 --> 00:00:16.899 a message titled, Serving, How to Deepen Your 00:00:16.899 --> 00:00:20.620 Love. My father was in military, Guam, Iwo Jima, 00:00:20.739 --> 00:00:25.059 Purple Heart. My wife's father, military, lost 00:00:25.059 --> 00:00:28.820 a brother on a ship. Both of our fathers came 00:00:28.820 --> 00:00:33.119 out of World War II, alcoholics. We came from 00:00:33.119 --> 00:00:36.880 not healthy backgrounds, so we brought that into 00:00:36.880 --> 00:00:40.219 our marriage. My wife married early to get out 00:00:40.219 --> 00:00:43.579 of the house, had a not good experience. Married 00:00:43.579 --> 00:00:45.460 young, put a guy through college. He started 00:00:45.460 --> 00:00:49.179 selling drugs, ran off with another woman. She 00:00:49.179 --> 00:00:51.659 had two little boys. She was a single mom for 00:00:51.659 --> 00:00:54.219 a while. So I got to know her as a friend for 00:00:54.219 --> 00:00:56.640 a year or so. And then later we got married. 00:00:56.740 --> 00:01:00.399 So blended family, lots of baggage, alcoholic 00:01:00.399 --> 00:01:03.780 past. God calls us into ministry. I've never 00:01:03.780 --> 00:01:06.659 met anyone who loves God more than my wife. And 00:01:06.659 --> 00:01:08.640 I've never met anyone that makes me more crazy 00:01:08.640 --> 00:01:11.640 than that woman right there. We couldn't resolve 00:01:11.640 --> 00:01:15.319 anger. We couldn't resolve conflict. I mean, 00:01:15.340 --> 00:01:18.569 like... It was like we put everything in a truck 00:01:18.569 --> 00:01:21.430 within six months after we got married. And after 00:01:21.430 --> 00:01:23.909 I'd been a school teacher and a basketball coach 00:01:23.909 --> 00:01:27.069 and I'd play ball overseas. And it was like within 00:01:27.069 --> 00:01:30.150 six months, it was like, what have we done? I 00:01:30.150 --> 00:01:34.730 mean, we were a mess. And within the first year, 00:01:34.810 --> 00:01:37.370 by God's grace, where I went to seminary, a guy 00:01:37.370 --> 00:01:40.489 named Paul Meyer was teaching a class of the 00:01:40.489 --> 00:01:43.530 Meyer Minereth Clinic. And I went and talked 00:01:43.530 --> 00:01:46.980 to him and we were broke. And for like the student 00:01:46.980 --> 00:01:50.299 rate of $90 a session, which was a huge amount 00:01:50.299 --> 00:01:53.299 of money, 12 sessions, it's the best money we 00:01:53.299 --> 00:01:56.319 spent that we didn't have. Think on that one, 00:01:56.400 --> 00:01:58.420 really. We were making under $1 ,000 a month. 00:01:58.719 --> 00:02:01.500 So here's what I want to tell you. Now, we think 00:02:01.500 --> 00:02:04.799 we're going to make it. We passed 41 years last 00:02:04.799 --> 00:02:10.900 December. And those kids that I got to adopt 00:02:10.900 --> 00:02:13.500 have turned out amazingly well. And God gave 00:02:13.500 --> 00:02:16.699 us two more. I want to tell you something. Hard 00:02:16.699 --> 00:02:22.000 work. The challenges you have, the conflicts 00:02:22.000 --> 00:02:24.819 you have, the family origin issues, the financial 00:02:24.819 --> 00:02:27.780 issues, the sexual issues, the in -law issues, 00:02:27.939 --> 00:02:32.560 welcome to the NFL. Okay? That's real stuff, 00:02:32.680 --> 00:02:35.139 and we're going to talk about that. The overarching 00:02:35.139 --> 00:02:37.960 theme is how to keep love alive, and I'm going 00:02:37.960 --> 00:02:40.699 to talk about four biblical practices that great 00:02:40.699 --> 00:02:43.800 marriages have in common. One book that if you 00:02:43.800 --> 00:02:46.699 haven't read, it is so worth it and I'll be talking 00:02:46.699 --> 00:02:49.599 a little bit more about it later is The Five 00:02:49.599 --> 00:02:53.120 Languages of Love. And in the introduction, Gary 00:02:53.120 --> 00:02:55.620 Chapman talks about being on a plane and he sits 00:02:55.620 --> 00:02:57.879 next to a guy and one thing comes to another 00:02:57.879 --> 00:02:59.180 and he says, what do you do for a living? He 00:02:59.180 --> 00:03:00.740 goes, well, I'm a marriage counseling and I do 00:03:00.740 --> 00:03:03.060 seminars and I write books on marriage. He said, 00:03:03.099 --> 00:03:05.180 well, this is my lucky day. And he said, you 00:03:05.180 --> 00:03:09.139 know, I love it like you're in love, but does 00:03:09.139 --> 00:03:13.009 anyone ever keep love alive? I mean, is it possible? 00:03:13.189 --> 00:03:16.810 I mean, do people just say, I guess marriages 00:03:16.810 --> 00:03:20.689 are mostly empty and you just grind it out? He 00:03:20.689 --> 00:03:23.330 said, is there any way to keep love alive? And 00:03:23.330 --> 00:03:25.909 of course, Gary Chapman in his book talks about 00:03:25.909 --> 00:03:30.409 that in love, euphoric, over the top dissipates. 00:03:30.930 --> 00:03:38.020 But the need to feel loved never goes away. and 00:03:38.020 --> 00:03:40.360 you and I are living in a day and in a culture 00:03:40.360 --> 00:03:44.060 that basically says the in -love feeling is what 00:03:44.060 --> 00:03:46.639 marriage and relationship is all about, and if 00:03:46.639 --> 00:03:48.460 you don't have that all the time, you probably 00:03:48.460 --> 00:03:51.740 married the wrong person, or we fall in love, 00:03:51.759 --> 00:03:54.400 we fall out of love, and so what you need to 00:03:54.400 --> 00:03:56.960 do is find the next person, which then you look 00:03:56.960 --> 00:03:59.639 at the statistics, and it doesn't work, and the 00:03:59.639 --> 00:04:02.039 next one after that doesn't work, and it's chaos. 00:04:04.330 --> 00:04:06.909 It's a gift from God to have that euphoric in 00:04:06.909 --> 00:04:10.129 -love experience. And what a lot of marriage 00:04:10.129 --> 00:04:13.949 needs is how do you keep the passion alive? What 00:04:13.949 --> 00:04:16.870 needs to happen in your relationship so that 00:04:16.870 --> 00:04:20.750 you feel loved by your mate, so that your emotional 00:04:20.750 --> 00:04:24.009 love tank gets filled up by the other person 00:04:24.009 --> 00:04:26.769 and vice versa? Because that's part of going 00:04:26.769 --> 00:04:29.889 through all the ups and all the downs. And I 00:04:29.889 --> 00:04:33.850 want to go to maybe an unusual place. You can 00:04:33.850 --> 00:04:36.569 open your Bibles. I want to read a passage. It's 00:04:36.569 --> 00:04:39.769 Ephesians chapter 5. And normally what we do 00:04:39.769 --> 00:04:43.750 is we talk all about, you know, it talks about 00:04:43.750 --> 00:04:45.629 what a woman should do and be. And then it talks 00:04:45.629 --> 00:04:47.829 about what a man should do and be. And then it 00:04:47.829 --> 00:04:50.829 has this little line at the end that says, oh, 00:04:50.970 --> 00:04:52.949 but this is really about the mystery of Christ 00:04:52.949 --> 00:04:55.870 in the church. Follow along. Ephesians 5. I'll 00:04:55.870 --> 00:04:58.540 pick it up at verse 25. Husbands. I mean, you 00:04:58.540 --> 00:05:00.620 talk about a hard assignment. Love your wives. 00:05:00.680 --> 00:05:05.360 How? Just as Christ also loved the church. Well, 00:05:05.399 --> 00:05:07.560 how did he do that? And gave himself up for her. 00:05:07.939 --> 00:05:11.120 Why? So he might sanctify her, set her apart, 00:05:11.399 --> 00:05:13.519 having cleansed her by the washing of the water 00:05:13.519 --> 00:05:16.220 with the word. Well, why? That he might present 00:05:16.220 --> 00:05:19.860 to himself the church in all her glory, having 00:05:19.860 --> 00:05:23.639 no spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that 00:05:23.639 --> 00:05:29.220 she would be holy and blameless. Parallel. So 00:05:29.220 --> 00:05:32.060 husbands ought to love their own wives as their 00:05:32.060 --> 00:05:35.800 own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself. 00:05:36.220 --> 00:05:39.480 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes 00:05:39.480 --> 00:05:42.839 it and cherishes it. Just as Christ also does 00:05:42.839 --> 00:05:45.920 the church. Because we are members of his body. 00:05:46.279 --> 00:05:49.139 And then he goes back and reaches into Genesis, 00:05:49.180 --> 00:05:52.720 that classic passage. For this reason a man shall 00:05:52.720 --> 00:05:55.129 leave his father and mother. and shall be joined 00:05:55.129 --> 00:05:58.009 to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. 00:05:58.649 --> 00:06:05.569 Look at verse 32. This mystery is great, but 00:06:05.569 --> 00:06:07.689 I'm speaking with reference to Christ and the 00:06:07.689 --> 00:06:12.410 church. In other words, there's this model of 00:06:12.410 --> 00:06:15.089 marriage that's a love relationship between Jesus 00:06:15.089 --> 00:06:18.269 and his church. And then he kind of brings it 00:06:18.269 --> 00:06:21.720 back down to everyday life. Nevertheless, Each 00:06:21.720 --> 00:06:24.779 individual among you must also love his own wife, 00:06:24.920 --> 00:06:27.959 even as himself, and his wife must also see to 00:06:27.959 --> 00:06:31.540 it that she respects and honors her husband. 00:06:32.160 --> 00:06:35.319 And I was thinking and praying and asking God, 00:06:35.579 --> 00:06:38.220 you know, Lord, what do you want to say to this 00:06:38.220 --> 00:06:40.839 group of people? And that passage kept going 00:06:40.839 --> 00:06:43.800 over and over and over. And what I realized is 00:06:43.800 --> 00:06:47.160 very rarely do we take how Jesus loves the church 00:06:47.160 --> 00:06:50.459 and use that as our model for how we're to love 00:06:50.459 --> 00:06:53.930 one another. marriage. And so what I want you 00:06:53.930 --> 00:06:58.569 to do now is to open to John chapter 13. And 00:06:58.569 --> 00:07:04.810 this is a time where the disciples are being 00:07:04.810 --> 00:07:09.009 told to go prepare the last supper. They don't 00:07:09.009 --> 00:07:11.170 know it's the last supper. It's just Passover. 00:07:11.290 --> 00:07:14.680 They're Jewish boys. It's a very important moment. 00:07:14.779 --> 00:07:16.540 They're going to reenact that moment where God 00:07:16.540 --> 00:07:18.639 delivered his people and the blood was put on 00:07:18.639 --> 00:07:21.879 the doorpost and the lamb is going to be killed. 00:07:22.240 --> 00:07:24.800 And all these things are going to happen. And 00:07:24.800 --> 00:07:27.300 Jesus has been telling them for some time now 00:07:27.300 --> 00:07:29.240 that the religious leaders are going to kill 00:07:29.240 --> 00:07:33.259 him. And he sends them on ahead. And now imagine. 00:07:34.449 --> 00:07:36.649 the parallel is going to come. You can look at 00:07:36.649 --> 00:07:38.870 your notes and you can sort of look ahead. But 00:07:38.870 --> 00:07:40.790 what I want you to get is the context and where 00:07:40.790 --> 00:07:44.670 Jesus was. He sends them on ahead and they get 00:07:44.670 --> 00:07:47.009 to this upper room. And when they get to the 00:07:47.009 --> 00:07:50.689 upper room, we learn the commentary is from one 00:07:50.689 --> 00:07:52.850 of the other gospels on the way there, what they 00:07:52.850 --> 00:07:56.269 were discussing. Does anybody remember? Who was 00:07:56.269 --> 00:07:59.639 the greatest? I mean, after three years, and 00:07:59.639 --> 00:08:01.720 you're going to hand over the ministry to save 00:08:01.720 --> 00:08:04.180 the world to a group of guys that have been with 00:08:04.180 --> 00:08:06.319 you. They've seen you raise people from the dead. 00:08:06.500 --> 00:08:09.800 They've seen you feed 5 ,000, 4 ,000. They've 00:08:09.800 --> 00:08:12.160 seen you walk on water. They've heard all your 00:08:12.160 --> 00:08:14.699 sermons and all your messages. And you got like 00:08:14.699 --> 00:08:17.199 24 hours with them. And their big argument is, 00:08:17.259 --> 00:08:19.959 we know he's leaving. And so who's going to be 00:08:19.959 --> 00:08:22.220 the top dog now? I mean, who's going to get so 00:08:22.220 --> 00:08:26.810 many stars or stripes, right? So they walk in 00:08:26.810 --> 00:08:30.490 and I think the Lord created this little test 00:08:30.490 --> 00:08:32.909 for them. And when you would walk the dusty streets, 00:08:32.990 --> 00:08:35.029 everyone wore sandals. And when you would walk 00:08:35.029 --> 00:08:37.669 in a room, there would be a large jar and then 00:08:37.669 --> 00:08:39.909 probably the lowliest servant in the household 00:08:39.909 --> 00:08:42.490 would be there. And when you came in, they would 00:08:42.490 --> 00:08:46.409 wash your feet off and towel them dry. So all 00:08:46.409 --> 00:08:51.330 12 of them walk in and no one humbles himself 00:08:51.330 --> 00:08:55.460 because I'm better than that. This is about me. 00:08:56.200 --> 00:08:59.399 It's about I'm more important than that. That 00:08:59.399 --> 00:09:04.240 job's too lowly. In other words, here, the last 00:09:04.240 --> 00:09:06.820 night and their passion and their focus is my 00:09:06.820 --> 00:09:11.480 needs about me and my role and what I need and 00:09:11.480 --> 00:09:17.919 who ought to serve me. Is there like a remote 00:09:17.919 --> 00:09:20.799 sense that any of us have felt that way in your 00:09:20.799 --> 00:09:25.240 marriage? You know, like, now, Let's push it 00:09:25.240 --> 00:09:28.519 a little farther. After all he's done for them, 00:09:28.600 --> 00:09:32.899 think of what he's done for them. Think of not 00:09:32.899 --> 00:09:36.120 just the time teaching. I mean, can you imagine 00:09:36.120 --> 00:09:38.179 having a struggle and it's kind of late at night 00:09:38.179 --> 00:09:41.559 and you all have taken a long walk and you go 00:09:41.559 --> 00:09:42.980 over by the fire and say, hey, Jesus, could we 00:09:42.980 --> 00:09:47.519 talk? He says, sure. And he shares with you on 00:09:47.519 --> 00:09:51.519 and off for three years. And after all he's done, 00:09:51.740 --> 00:09:55.809 this is how they, Treat him. This is what they've 00:09:55.809 --> 00:09:58.070 learned. Any of you in your marriage ever felt 00:09:58.070 --> 00:10:00.769 like you've really gone out of your way, you've 00:10:00.769 --> 00:10:02.429 really tried to do your best, you're being the 00:10:02.429 --> 00:10:05.110 best husband or the best wife or whatever, and 00:10:05.110 --> 00:10:07.110 then you feel like your mate is kind of dissing 00:10:07.110 --> 00:10:12.509 you? That's where Jesus is at emotionally. So 00:10:12.509 --> 00:10:16.830 let's find out, how does he respond? John chapter 00:10:16.830 --> 00:10:21.009 13, pick it up at verse one. Now before the feast 00:10:21.009 --> 00:10:25.230 of the Passover, Don't miss this. Jesus, knowing 00:10:25.230 --> 00:10:29.769 that his hour had come and that he would depart 00:10:29.769 --> 00:10:34.029 out of this world to his father and having loved 00:10:34.029 --> 00:10:37.490 his own who were in the world, he loved them 00:10:37.490 --> 00:10:41.509 to the end. In other words, this is gonna be 00:10:41.509 --> 00:10:45.970 one of his greatest acts of love. During the 00:10:45.970 --> 00:10:48.629 supper, the devil had already come into the heart 00:10:48.629 --> 00:10:51.190 of Judas Iscariot, the son of Simon, to betray 00:10:51.190 --> 00:10:53.679 him. Jesus, knowing the father had given all 00:10:53.679 --> 00:10:55.980 things to his hands and that he'd come forth 00:10:55.980 --> 00:10:58.639 from the father and it was going back to God, 00:10:58.799 --> 00:11:01.620 got up from supper, laid aside his garments, 00:11:01.799 --> 00:11:04.519 taking a towel, he wrapped it around or girded 00:11:04.519 --> 00:11:07.659 himself. He poured water into a basin and he 00:11:07.659 --> 00:11:10.200 began to wash the disciples' feet and to wipe 00:11:10.200 --> 00:11:12.460 them with a towel which he was girded around 00:11:12.460 --> 00:11:15.720 his waist. Then he came to Simon Peter and he 00:11:15.720 --> 00:11:19.600 said, Lord, do you wash my feet? Jesus answered 00:11:19.600 --> 00:11:22.730 and said to him, What I do, you do not realize 00:11:22.730 --> 00:11:25.830 now, but you will understand hereafter. Peter 00:11:25.830 --> 00:11:28.909 said to him, never shall you wash my feet. And 00:11:28.909 --> 00:11:31.110 Jesus answered, if I do not wash your feet, you 00:11:31.110 --> 00:11:33.870 have no part with me. And then Simon Peter said, 00:11:33.990 --> 00:11:37.129 Lord, then wash not only my feet, but also my 00:11:37.129 --> 00:11:39.830 hands and my head. And Jesus said to him, he 00:11:39.830 --> 00:11:42.850 who has bathed needs only to wash his feet, but 00:11:42.850 --> 00:11:45.830 is completely clean. And you are clean, but not 00:11:45.830 --> 00:11:49.009 all of you. For he knew the one betraying him. 00:11:49.440 --> 00:11:51.860 And for this reason, he said, not all of you 00:11:51.860 --> 00:11:54.620 are clean. So when he had washed their feet, 00:11:54.840 --> 00:11:58.299 taken his garment, reclined at the table again, 00:11:58.559 --> 00:12:02.460 he said to them, do you know what I have done 00:12:02.460 --> 00:12:06.299 to you? You call me teacher and Lord and you 00:12:06.299 --> 00:12:09.919 are right for so I am. If I then the teacher 00:12:09.919 --> 00:12:14.019 and the Lord washed your feet, you also ought 00:12:14.019 --> 00:12:17.909 to wash. one another's feet. I gave you an example 00:12:17.909 --> 00:12:21.590 that you also should do as I did to you. And 00:12:21.590 --> 00:12:23.990 then we get this moment. Truly, truly, I say 00:12:23.990 --> 00:12:27.330 to you, a slave is not greater than his master, 00:12:27.470 --> 00:12:30.350 nor is the one who is sent greater than the one 00:12:30.350 --> 00:12:33.529 who sent him. If you know these things, you are 00:12:33.529 --> 00:12:38.190 blessed if you do them. Let me skip over because 00:12:38.190 --> 00:12:42.009 he's now gonna talk about his going and Judas 00:12:42.009 --> 00:12:45.100 is going to get up. And at the end of this supper, 00:12:45.159 --> 00:12:49.019 if you skip all the way to verse 34, he says 00:12:49.019 --> 00:12:53.139 to them, 33 for context, little children, I'm 00:12:53.139 --> 00:12:55.779 with you a little while longer. You'll seek me, 00:12:55.840 --> 00:13:00.360 as I said to the Jews. Now I say to you, where 00:13:00.360 --> 00:13:03.419 I'm going, you cannot come. A new commandment 00:13:03.419 --> 00:13:06.379 I give to you, that you love one another even 00:13:06.379 --> 00:13:09.940 as I have loved you, that you also should love 00:13:09.940 --> 00:13:13.940 one another. How did he just love them? He served 00:13:13.940 --> 00:13:18.720 them. Who deserved to be the head and who chose 00:13:18.720 --> 00:13:21.480 to be the servant? Who should have been offended 00:13:21.480 --> 00:13:24.809 and who chose to humble himself? who knew, was 00:13:24.809 --> 00:13:27.610 secure enough to know where he came from and 00:13:27.610 --> 00:13:30.129 where he was going and didn't have to have their 00:13:30.129 --> 00:13:33.269 approval. And so being secure and knowing his 00:13:33.269 --> 00:13:35.929 role, he could love them and he's going to love 00:13:35.929 --> 00:13:38.730 them to the end. And now what he says to them, 00:13:38.809 --> 00:13:40.990 this new commandment, I don't want you just to 00:13:40.990 --> 00:13:43.470 love. I want you to love each other the way I 00:13:43.470 --> 00:13:45.990 loved you. Now look at verse 35 in your Bible. 00:13:46.029 --> 00:13:50.210 Notice the impact. By this, all men will know 00:13:50.210 --> 00:13:55.279 that you are my disciples. Why? By how you love 00:13:55.279 --> 00:13:58.360 one another. Because you love one another the 00:13:58.360 --> 00:14:00.659 way I love you. And I will tell you, that starts 00:14:00.659 --> 00:14:05.940 in our marriages. I mean, I want a great and 00:14:05.940 --> 00:14:09.559 fulfilling marriage. I want to be happy and feel 00:14:09.559 --> 00:14:12.039 loved and connected and accepted and all those 00:14:12.039 --> 00:14:16.480 good psychological words, right? We all do. But 00:14:16.480 --> 00:14:18.440 I want you to remember that your marriage isn't 00:14:18.440 --> 00:14:22.029 just about your personal fulfillment. Other than 00:14:22.029 --> 00:14:25.190 the church of Jesus Christ, your relationship 00:14:25.190 --> 00:14:28.669 with your mate is the single most powerful testimony 00:14:28.669 --> 00:14:32.990 of the reality of God. And when people see in 00:14:32.990 --> 00:14:34.950 the midst of not it's perfect, you've got it 00:14:34.950 --> 00:14:38.029 all together, in the midst of struggle and difficulty 00:14:38.029 --> 00:14:42.029 and sick children and dysfunctional past. and 00:14:42.029 --> 00:14:45.549 big mess ups and huge mistakes and forgiving 00:14:45.549 --> 00:14:47.909 of one another and working through conflict, 00:14:48.110 --> 00:14:50.710 when they watch you love one another through 00:14:50.710 --> 00:14:54.529 all that, that's the power. And God will use 00:14:54.529 --> 00:14:56.370 your lives in amazing ways. So I always want 00:14:56.370 --> 00:14:59.029 to remind us as we get started, because we've 00:14:59.029 --> 00:15:02.570 grown up in the consumer world. Man, I will tell 00:15:02.570 --> 00:15:04.870 you, we are bombarded every day. It's about you. 00:15:05.190 --> 00:15:07.769 It's about you. Are you happy? You deserve to 00:15:07.769 --> 00:15:10.210 be happy. Are you fulfilled? Are you feeling 00:15:10.210 --> 00:15:13.789 okay today? Is everything all right? You deserve 00:15:13.789 --> 00:15:17.429 a break today. The life is about you. If you're 00:15:17.429 --> 00:15:19.529 not happy right now, then something's wrong. 00:15:19.669 --> 00:15:21.750 If you ache somewhere, there's a pill or we can 00:15:21.750 --> 00:15:23.269 give you an injection or we'll give you a surgery. 00:15:23.490 --> 00:15:25.669 There's something. You should never have a problem. 00:15:25.850 --> 00:15:27.590 You should never have a struggle. You should 00:15:27.590 --> 00:15:29.450 never be sad. You should never be disappointed. 00:15:29.889 --> 00:15:31.850 Everything should be perfect and you can buy 00:15:31.850 --> 00:15:35.769 something to get that. See, the whole point of 00:15:35.769 --> 00:15:38.549 advertisement is to help you understand that 00:15:38.549 --> 00:15:42.049 there's deficit. And you can buy or have something 00:15:42.049 --> 00:15:45.250 or someone that'll solve it. And it's a lie from 00:15:45.250 --> 00:15:48.870 the pit of hell. If you can't be happy with who 00:15:48.870 --> 00:15:51.929 you actually are in your relationship with God, 00:15:51.970 --> 00:15:54.029 you have no hope of being happy with anyone else. 00:15:54.950 --> 00:15:57.169 No one has the power to do that in your life. 00:15:58.110 --> 00:16:01.490 In fact, the weird part of how God designed life 00:16:01.490 --> 00:16:06.509 to be is it's when you give your life away that 00:16:06.509 --> 00:16:08.429 the greatest fulfillment and the greatest joy 00:16:08.429 --> 00:16:13.860 you get. And so you'll notice that's the teaching 00:16:13.860 --> 00:16:16.679 of Jesus. His motive, what was his motive in 00:16:16.679 --> 00:16:20.320 serving him? Love. His action, he washes their 00:16:20.320 --> 00:16:24.360 feet. Did you notice that just because you love 00:16:24.360 --> 00:16:26.899 someone, it doesn't always work, that some of 00:16:26.899 --> 00:16:29.299 them accepted it readily and some of them couldn't 00:16:29.299 --> 00:16:35.419 accept it? Why couldn't Peter accept it? He was 00:16:35.419 --> 00:16:38.529 embarrassed, wasn't he? He just realized, I mean, 00:16:38.629 --> 00:16:41.830 I think every one of those guys, as he went one 00:16:41.830 --> 00:16:46.009 by one by one, is going, oh, I just wish I would 00:16:46.009 --> 00:16:49.289 have washed my feet. You know, I tell God, I 00:16:49.289 --> 00:16:54.610 just wish that I, this is painful. You know, 00:16:54.629 --> 00:16:56.590 when you're really getting something you don't 00:16:56.590 --> 00:16:59.210 deserve and you're just, I mean, when you're 00:16:59.210 --> 00:17:02.009 exposed, I mean, those guys were exposed. They're 00:17:02.009 --> 00:17:05.400 just going, oh my gosh. I mean. Any of us could 00:17:05.400 --> 00:17:08.259 do this, but not him. And when it got to Peter 00:17:08.259 --> 00:17:10.859 and his arrogance, he goes, no, this is unacceptable. 00:17:11.259 --> 00:17:14.539 He thought he was being spiritual. You know, 00:17:14.559 --> 00:17:17.440 sometimes when we want to serve our mate, sometimes 00:17:17.440 --> 00:17:22.259 out of some faulty thinking, our mate won't let 00:17:22.259 --> 00:17:25.259 us. It's one thing to serve, but there's another 00:17:25.259 --> 00:17:26.920 thing in this passage, you have to be willing 00:17:26.920 --> 00:17:30.240 to receive it. Some people are very uncomfortable 00:17:30.240 --> 00:17:34.430 receiving. Some people from family of origins 00:17:34.430 --> 00:17:37.609 believe down deep in their heart, almost below 00:17:37.609 --> 00:17:40.769 the conscious level, I'm unworthy, I'm unlovable. 00:17:40.930 --> 00:17:43.309 And when you seek to love them and care for them 00:17:43.309 --> 00:17:46.589 and speak words of life, it's like BBs off of 00:17:46.589 --> 00:17:51.509 a tank. My wife's self -image was so low when 00:17:51.509 --> 00:17:55.230 we first got married. She so viewed herself after 00:17:55.230 --> 00:17:58.130 her family background, being abandoned by this 00:17:58.130 --> 00:18:01.619 person, by being rejected. And I mean, she's 00:18:01.619 --> 00:18:04.839 kind, she's beautiful, she's intelligent, she's 00:18:04.839 --> 00:18:08.140 gifted, and she's godly. All of that was absolutely 00:18:08.140 --> 00:18:11.960 true objectively, told by me and friends and 00:18:11.960 --> 00:18:14.140 others. And then she would look in the mirror 00:18:14.140 --> 00:18:17.140 and she saw unworthy. I mean, one of the biggest 00:18:17.140 --> 00:18:19.500 things in our marriage counseling was she couldn't 00:18:19.500 --> 00:18:21.480 receive any love. She couldn't receive a compliment. 00:18:21.619 --> 00:18:25.200 It just made me nuts. So I got really frustrated. 00:18:26.220 --> 00:18:29.440 When I get frustrated, I'm not very loving. What's 00:18:29.440 --> 00:18:32.359 wrong with you, you know? And so no matter how, 00:18:32.519 --> 00:18:35.200 here's a hard time in marriage. When you're trying 00:18:35.200 --> 00:18:38.279 your very, very best, right? And you're thinking 00:18:38.279 --> 00:18:40.079 you're really loving the other person and you're 00:18:40.079 --> 00:18:41.980 trying really hard and it gets worse instead 00:18:41.980 --> 00:18:44.420 of better. That's when you have these really 00:18:44.420 --> 00:18:46.339 scary moments like, I don't think this can ever 00:18:46.339 --> 00:18:50.500 work. I don't think this can ever work. And I 00:18:50.500 --> 00:18:53.240 want you to know there's hope and it can. And 00:18:53.240 --> 00:18:55.690 we're gonna learn. From this passage, the beginning 00:18:55.690 --> 00:18:58.609 of how to restore your passion. The principles 00:18:58.609 --> 00:19:01.250 out of this passage to identify, to deepen your 00:19:01.250 --> 00:19:05.369 love. Number one is love is not a feeling. Jot 00:19:05.369 --> 00:19:08.829 that down. Love is not a feeling. Romantic, emotional 00:19:08.829 --> 00:19:12.650 feelings are good. Just don't confuse them with 00:19:12.650 --> 00:19:21.269 love. Definition of love. I've kind of just taken 00:19:21.269 --> 00:19:24.069 what the scriptures teach and. Package it together. 00:19:24.130 --> 00:19:27.630 Love is giving another person what they need 00:19:27.630 --> 00:19:32.609 the most when they deserve it the least at great 00:19:32.609 --> 00:19:35.910 personal cost. I'll say that again because I 00:19:35.910 --> 00:19:39.789 have to remember it a lot. Love is giving another 00:19:39.789 --> 00:19:46.109 person what they need the most when they deserve 00:19:46.109 --> 00:19:52.150 it the least at great personal cost. And if you 00:19:52.150 --> 00:19:54.289 would just pause for a moment and think in your 00:19:54.289 --> 00:19:58.609 mind, what happened at the cross? What did God 00:19:58.609 --> 00:20:02.289 the Son do? He gave us what we needed the most, 00:20:02.309 --> 00:20:05.430 forgiveness. When we deserved it the least, we 00:20:05.430 --> 00:20:08.470 were his enemies. We were hostile to him at great 00:20:08.470 --> 00:20:11.269 personal cost. And what did the Father do? He 00:20:11.269 --> 00:20:14.609 gave the Son. And that's our model. And by the 00:20:14.609 --> 00:20:17.680 way, it's... It's the supernatural power of God 00:20:17.680 --> 00:20:20.240 in us to do that. I can't do that on my own, 00:20:20.299 --> 00:20:23.819 and you can't do that on your own. Notice also, 00:20:23.900 --> 00:20:28.680 love is serving. And if you redefine love in 00:20:28.680 --> 00:20:31.220 your marriage, it's putting the needs of your 00:20:31.220 --> 00:20:35.779 mate above your own. You might jot down Philippians 00:20:35.779 --> 00:20:41.650 2, verses 3 and 4. Paul is talking about what 00:20:41.650 --> 00:20:43.430 it really looks like to love, and he says, do 00:20:43.430 --> 00:20:46.890 nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but 00:20:46.890 --> 00:20:51.769 with humility of mind, consider others more important 00:20:51.769 --> 00:20:54.950 than yourself. Do not look only on your own interests, 00:20:55.029 --> 00:20:58.130 but also on the interests of others. And again, 00:20:58.269 --> 00:21:01.930 it's the kingdom. It's completely upside down. 00:21:02.210 --> 00:21:05.089 I live in a world, I'm bombarded in a world that 00:21:05.089 --> 00:21:08.170 says, get, get, get. consume, consume, consume, 00:21:08.410 --> 00:21:13.609 me, me, me, my needs now. And when two people 00:21:13.609 --> 00:21:16.329 in marriage each want their needs met, what happens? 00:21:17.069 --> 00:21:21.609 It doesn't work. Now, here's the hard part. At 00:21:21.609 --> 00:21:26.509 least in my little world, I thought once I started 00:21:26.509 --> 00:21:29.609 giving that magic would happen and Teresa would 00:21:29.609 --> 00:21:32.670 just respond overnight and it'd be wonderful. 00:21:32.910 --> 00:21:36.170 And it was not. And I think she felt like the 00:21:36.170 --> 00:21:39.670 same thing. One of the greatest lessons I learned 00:21:39.670 --> 00:21:43.230 was the only person that can change Teresa is 00:21:43.230 --> 00:21:46.190 Teresa. And the only person that can change Chip 00:21:46.190 --> 00:21:51.240 is Chip. And so in my marriage... Instead of 00:21:51.240 --> 00:21:53.500 all those thoughts in your mind, if she would 00:21:53.500 --> 00:21:55.259 only do this, if she would start doing this, 00:21:55.279 --> 00:21:56.940 if he would stop doing this, if he would start 00:21:56.940 --> 00:21:58.680 doing this, if he would just pick up his stuff, 00:21:58.799 --> 00:22:00.500 how many times have I told him this, if he would 00:22:00.500 --> 00:22:02.279 just call when I said, if she would just be more 00:22:02.279 --> 00:22:04.140 affectionate, blah, blah, blah. Since you can't 00:22:04.140 --> 00:22:07.299 change them, here's the deal. You just say, Lord, 00:22:07.480 --> 00:22:10.619 I can't change that person, but there's a supernatural 00:22:10.619 --> 00:22:14.279 dynamic. I'm gonna follow your example and I'm 00:22:14.279 --> 00:22:16.839 gonna do for my husband or I'm gonna do for my 00:22:16.839 --> 00:22:20.369 wife what Jesus did for his disciples. I'm so 00:22:20.369 --> 00:22:24.210 secure in who I know you are and who I am, I'm 00:22:24.210 --> 00:22:27.109 going to serve and I'm going to care and I'm 00:22:27.109 --> 00:22:30.089 going to sow seeds of love that serve them, that 00:22:30.089 --> 00:22:31.990 meet real needs in them. Because here's what 00:22:31.990 --> 00:22:34.250 happens. When your mate gets more and more whole, 00:22:34.470 --> 00:22:39.190 they change. They really do change. But how's 00:22:39.190 --> 00:22:43.670 nagging working? Anybody? Anybody? Or blaming, 00:22:43.849 --> 00:22:46.650 how's that one? How about the old ought and should? 00:22:47.240 --> 00:22:49.980 You ought to do this. You should. That's how 00:22:49.980 --> 00:22:54.660 parents talk to children. You never. You always. 00:22:54.779 --> 00:22:56.680 Those are like four words you should eliminate 00:22:56.680 --> 00:22:59.779 from marriage along with divorce. Go to your 00:22:59.779 --> 00:23:01.480 little dictionary and cut it out. Divorce. Get 00:23:01.480 --> 00:23:04.700 it out. Ought, should, always, never. Does anyone 00:23:04.700 --> 00:23:09.299 always do anything? Does anyone never? I mean, 00:23:09.319 --> 00:23:15.720 you never help. Really? I mean, really? You ought. 00:23:19.049 --> 00:23:24.069 So it's serving. It's putting their needs. Third 00:23:24.069 --> 00:23:26.130 principle here is that love must be received. 00:23:29.430 --> 00:23:32.869 Ask yourself. Sometimes when you're hurt and 00:23:32.869 --> 00:23:34.670 you're resentful of your mate and they try and 00:23:34.670 --> 00:23:37.569 do something kind, what do you do? You want to 00:23:37.569 --> 00:23:40.009 make them pay, right? I'm not going to receive 00:23:40.009 --> 00:23:44.049 it right now. You know, they try and be a little 00:23:44.049 --> 00:23:46.430 affectionate or they say something kind. I'm 00:23:46.430 --> 00:23:49.990 not ready to make up right now. I'm going to 00:23:49.990 --> 00:24:00.049 twist that old knife, you know. Why? Peter. Peteris. 00:24:01.470 --> 00:24:06.450 Miss Peter. I don't know. Why? So you have to 00:24:06.450 --> 00:24:09.789 let down your guard. There's this idea that we're 00:24:09.789 --> 00:24:12.380 going to, like it's some sort of game. You do 00:24:12.380 --> 00:24:15.000 this and I'll do that and I'll pay you back and 00:24:15.000 --> 00:24:20.980 you do this. That's how you ruin relationships. 00:24:23.380 --> 00:24:27.980 I read the passage, the two become one. There's 00:24:27.980 --> 00:24:30.519 no such thing as a winner and a loser. It's either 00:24:30.519 --> 00:24:36.059 win -win or lose -lose. Every interaction, every 00:24:36.059 --> 00:24:38.759 conversation, every fight, every disagreement, 00:24:39.059 --> 00:24:41.819 every big issue, it's either a win -win or it's 00:24:41.819 --> 00:24:43.759 a lose -lose. Man, you can feel better for like 00:24:43.759 --> 00:24:47.700 15 minutes like, I got my way or she better do 00:24:47.700 --> 00:24:49.960 that or he's finally. And guess what? One of 00:24:49.960 --> 00:24:54.019 them, when resentment or hurt or woundedness 00:24:54.019 --> 00:24:56.259 happens in one person because the other thinks 00:24:56.259 --> 00:24:59.799 they won, I'll tell you what, you just so exceed 00:24:59.799 --> 00:25:03.319 the discord. Believe me, it'll pop up later. 00:25:04.359 --> 00:25:09.000 And so, well, then how do you do this? Did you 00:25:09.000 --> 00:25:14.019 notice even that love is unconditional? You might 00:25:14.019 --> 00:25:17.099 jot that down. By the way, this takes supernatural 00:25:17.099 --> 00:25:23.119 Holy Spirit power in you. Sometimes, have you 00:25:23.119 --> 00:25:26.490 ever felt like... I just don't feel like loving 00:25:26.490 --> 00:25:29.390 my mate right now. You know the right thing to 00:25:29.390 --> 00:25:31.369 do? Anybody ever, you just know for sure what 00:25:31.369 --> 00:25:33.329 the right thing to do is like forgive them or 00:25:33.329 --> 00:25:35.710 the right thing to do is to take the initiative 00:25:35.710 --> 00:25:37.970 to make up and then this comes to your mind. 00:25:38.009 --> 00:25:39.930 You know what? I think eight out of 10 times, 00:25:40.029 --> 00:25:41.990 I always take the initiative. I'm not doing it 00:25:41.990 --> 00:25:45.809 this time. Because it's not really eight out 00:25:45.809 --> 00:25:49.089 of 10 times because you're in denial. It's probably 00:25:49.089 --> 00:25:55.069 only 6 .5 or something, right? And the Holy Spirit, 00:25:55.170 --> 00:25:57.589 you hear that little nudge, and then it's like 00:25:57.589 --> 00:26:01.869 they don't deserve it. Like somehow, this isn't 00:26:01.869 --> 00:26:03.450 like spiritual ping pong. They don't deserve 00:26:03.450 --> 00:26:06.950 it, the ball going back and forth. It's what's 00:26:06.950 --> 00:26:11.470 going to make the relationship right? What's 00:26:11.470 --> 00:26:14.869 the outcome? Do you realize that there was one 00:26:14.869 --> 00:26:18.210 person whose feet got washed that Jesus knew 00:26:18.210 --> 00:26:23.299 would betray him later? Talk about unconditional 00:26:23.299 --> 00:26:29.400 love. It's not just he didn't deserve it. It 00:26:29.400 --> 00:26:33.380 was this person, this person's gonna be a part 00:26:33.380 --> 00:26:38.859 of the plan that takes me down the path of absolute 00:26:38.859 --> 00:26:44.299 betrayal. So then what are the practical implications? 00:26:45.700 --> 00:26:48.579 Practical implication number one is that love 00:26:48.579 --> 00:26:55.880 is a choice. It's not insincere to do actions 00:26:55.880 --> 00:26:58.799 and say words of kindness and serve and help 00:26:58.799 --> 00:27:01.519 your mate when you don't feel like it. Have you 00:27:01.519 --> 00:27:03.339 ever heard that one? Well, I really would, but 00:27:03.339 --> 00:27:05.380 I don't want to be a hypocrite. I mean, I don't 00:27:05.380 --> 00:27:09.259 want to say something nice if I really don't 00:27:09.259 --> 00:27:10.799 mean it, or I don't want to do something nice 00:27:10.799 --> 00:27:14.700 if I don't really mean it. Was Jesus having any 00:27:14.700 --> 00:27:16.640 ooey -gooey feelings when he went to the cross, 00:27:16.759 --> 00:27:19.450 when he was praying in the garden? I mean, if 00:27:19.450 --> 00:27:22.730 emotions are what love is, then Jesus didn't 00:27:22.730 --> 00:27:26.490 love you and he didn't love me. He said, nevertheless, 00:27:26.910 --> 00:27:32.589 not my will, but yours. Love is a choice. And 00:27:32.589 --> 00:27:35.789 when you get that, and loving means I'm going 00:27:35.789 --> 00:27:38.509 to choose to serve my mate when they deserve 00:27:38.509 --> 00:27:41.319 it. I'm going to choose to serve my mate when 00:27:41.319 --> 00:27:43.400 they don't deserve it. And I'm going to choose 00:27:43.400 --> 00:27:46.420 to serve them unconditionally. And if that doesn't 00:27:46.420 --> 00:27:49.400 get you into a life of prayer and time in God's 00:27:49.400 --> 00:27:53.460 word to say, Lord, I can't do that. Nothing will. 00:27:54.180 --> 00:27:56.740 But I will tell you, one person can completely 00:27:56.740 --> 00:28:01.500 turn a relationship around. Don't always guarantee 00:28:01.500 --> 00:28:04.140 the person's going to change overnight. But I'll 00:28:04.140 --> 00:28:08.180 tell you, love never fails. Don't confuse that 00:28:08.180 --> 00:28:10.319 with a doormat. Don't confuse that with giving 00:28:10.319 --> 00:28:12.440 the person their way all the time. But I mean 00:28:12.440 --> 00:28:15.480 serving and loving and caring. It's a choice. 00:28:16.599 --> 00:28:19.599 Second implication is love meets the needs of 00:28:19.599 --> 00:28:22.779 the one loved. You know, Jesus could have come 00:28:22.779 --> 00:28:26.400 in and just not even notice that their feet were 00:28:26.400 --> 00:28:30.500 dirty. So you gotta love people in a way that 00:28:30.500 --> 00:28:32.680 makes sense to them. You have to observe what 00:28:32.680 --> 00:28:35.319 are the needs? What's going on in their life? 00:28:37.289 --> 00:28:41.089 That was my biggest, biggest challenge in our 00:28:41.089 --> 00:28:45.329 marriage was I was loving my wife in ways that 00:28:45.329 --> 00:28:48.009 it was like I spoke German and she spoke French 00:28:48.009 --> 00:28:51.069 and I was trying hard and she was trying hard. 00:28:51.150 --> 00:28:53.769 And I mean, we were just completely missing each 00:28:53.769 --> 00:28:58.990 other. And it was so frustrating because I didn't, 00:28:58.990 --> 00:29:01.910 things that said I love you to her, I didn't 00:29:01.910 --> 00:29:05.529 even notice. I didn't know about her family of 00:29:05.529 --> 00:29:07.289 origin. I didn't know where her wounds were. 00:29:07.490 --> 00:29:10.150 I didn't know sort of her language of love. I 00:29:10.150 --> 00:29:12.730 didn't understand how she was wired. All I knew 00:29:12.730 --> 00:29:15.329 was this is how I feel loved, so I loved her 00:29:15.329 --> 00:29:20.470 the way I felt loved. And it was like, I remember 00:29:20.470 --> 00:29:23.190 she telling me, I can't believe you did this. 00:29:23.190 --> 00:29:25.269 You must not love me. And I'm thinking, I've 00:29:25.269 --> 00:29:27.009 been trying to love you like crazy and you think 00:29:27.009 --> 00:29:31.259 I've been there? Another implication is love 00:29:31.259 --> 00:29:37.099 requires extreme humility and security. Did you 00:29:37.099 --> 00:29:40.380 notice? I mean, this is God the Son humbling 00:29:40.380 --> 00:29:45.579 himself, bending down, washing feet. And humility 00:29:45.579 --> 00:29:50.500 is rooted in being secure, knowing who you are, 00:29:50.640 --> 00:29:52.980 where you came from. In our case, it's knowing 00:29:52.980 --> 00:29:56.400 who you are in Christ. You're a son, you're a 00:29:56.400 --> 00:29:59.900 daughter, you're valued, you're loved. Your value 00:29:59.900 --> 00:30:02.920 as a person isn't how your mate is currently 00:30:02.920 --> 00:30:06.539 responding to you. You can desire for them to 00:30:06.539 --> 00:30:08.740 love you and come through for you and meet your 00:30:08.740 --> 00:30:11.619 needs. You don't need them to come through for 00:30:11.619 --> 00:30:13.619 you and meet your needs to be a whole person. 00:30:14.339 --> 00:30:17.329 When you need them, To love you in a certain 00:30:17.329 --> 00:30:19.970 way, that's called codependency. Your life can 00:30:19.970 --> 00:30:22.529 only work when everything's going okay. And so 00:30:22.529 --> 00:30:24.869 it creates all kind of dysfunction. When you 00:30:24.869 --> 00:30:27.490 can serve and understand, I don't like this. 00:30:27.549 --> 00:30:29.829 There's times where it was, God, I don't even 00:30:29.829 --> 00:30:31.829 want to do this. I'm going to do this for you 00:30:31.829 --> 00:30:33.730 because right now I'm too ticked off at her to 00:30:33.730 --> 00:30:36.029 do it for her. But I'm going to choose to do 00:30:36.029 --> 00:30:38.990 this activity and say these words as an act of 00:30:38.990 --> 00:30:41.329 worship to you. And wow, first of all, it changed 00:30:41.329 --> 00:30:46.099 her and it changed me. But it was a choice. And 00:30:46.099 --> 00:30:48.940 it was challenging. And it was dependency of 00:30:48.940 --> 00:30:52.680 the Holy Spirit. And see, that's a whole different 00:30:52.680 --> 00:30:56.200 paradigm than I don't feel this today. I don't 00:30:56.200 --> 00:30:58.579 feel that. You never do this. You ought to do 00:30:58.579 --> 00:31:00.500 that. We always fight about money. You never 00:31:00.500 --> 00:31:03.140 want to have sex. You know, your parents are 00:31:03.140 --> 00:31:06.720 crazy. You know, we talk about disciplining the 00:31:06.720 --> 00:31:09.160 kids and you never follow through. Well, you 00:31:09.160 --> 00:31:10.960 weren't home and then I come back and then you 00:31:10.960 --> 00:31:12.519 try and run the show when you get back home. 00:31:14.819 --> 00:31:20.259 I've been living in your kitchen, right? The 00:31:20.259 --> 00:31:23.940 tool for transformation I want to give you is 00:31:23.940 --> 00:31:26.960 we're going to learn the five languages of love, 00:31:27.119 --> 00:31:29.920 and I'm going to tell you it'll be the beginning 00:31:29.920 --> 00:31:33.019 of a new day. I'll give you the picture of this 00:31:33.019 --> 00:31:38.900 is how this works. So one of my love languages 00:31:38.900 --> 00:31:42.900 are words that affirm. And another love language 00:31:42.900 --> 00:31:47.420 of mine is physical touch. So, and I probably 00:31:47.420 --> 00:31:50.519 after that is quality time. And by God's grace, 00:31:50.700 --> 00:31:53.579 that's quality time is probably her number two 00:31:53.579 --> 00:31:56.000 and my number two. And so early in our marriage, 00:31:56.059 --> 00:31:58.740 I think I'm loving my wife. And so I'm telling 00:31:58.740 --> 00:32:00.900 her, you look beautiful. I love you, verbal. 00:32:01.059 --> 00:32:04.240 I care for you. You're wonderful. BB's off of 00:32:04.240 --> 00:32:06.579 a tank. And by the way, she doesn't say that 00:32:06.579 --> 00:32:09.000 to me. I'm an extrovert. She's an introvert. 00:32:09.039 --> 00:32:11.140 She doesn't say a lot. There's times we get in 00:32:11.140 --> 00:32:13.940 the car and we're driving for 30 minutes. I grew 00:32:13.940 --> 00:32:16.839 up in a family where you didn't take turns, you 00:32:16.839 --> 00:32:20.079 just interrupted one another. You know, it was 00:32:20.079 --> 00:32:22.579 like, I mean, my mom grew up in this city that 00:32:22.579 --> 00:32:25.299 was very Italian. We were very Italian. You know, 00:32:25.359 --> 00:32:27.279 someone's talking, someone interrupts them and 00:32:27.279 --> 00:32:28.900 they interrupt you and then, no, let me tell, 00:32:28.960 --> 00:32:30.559 and everyone's telling stories and, you know, 00:32:30.559 --> 00:32:32.599 like that. She came and visited my family and 00:32:32.599 --> 00:32:34.759 it was like, these people are crazy. She didn't 00:32:34.759 --> 00:32:38.119 get a word in edgewise. Well, we're a verbal 00:32:38.119 --> 00:32:44.279 family. Hers, I mean, you hear a pin drop at 00:32:44.279 --> 00:32:47.180 supper, you know? And so we're driving in the 00:32:47.180 --> 00:32:50.099 car for like 30 minutes. And so being the man 00:32:50.099 --> 00:32:52.599 and having bizarre thoughts, I think, I wonder 00:32:52.599 --> 00:32:54.599 how long, I'm not going to say anything and see 00:32:54.599 --> 00:32:56.759 how long it takes her to say something to me. 00:32:57.160 --> 00:33:00.500 You know? Okay, you know? And, you know, it's 00:33:00.500 --> 00:33:05.019 10 minutes, 22 minutes. And now, I mean, I'm 00:33:05.019 --> 00:33:12.900 just like. And I'm so ticked off. And we're getting 00:33:12.900 --> 00:33:15.059 ready to be where we're supposed to be. And, 00:33:15.119 --> 00:33:17.940 you know, she's looking out the window. You know, 00:33:17.940 --> 00:33:23.119 like that. And then, in the nick of time, she 00:33:23.119 --> 00:33:26.039 says this. I'll never forget it. She turns to 00:33:26.039 --> 00:33:29.099 me and she goes, isn't it wonderful just to be 00:33:29.099 --> 00:33:30.799 with the person that you love and not have to 00:33:30.799 --> 00:33:36.519 say a word? You know, on this drive, I've just 00:33:36.519 --> 00:33:40.210 looked at the hills. And the animals, and it's 00:33:40.210 --> 00:33:45.910 been so beautiful. I'm thinking, I'm so glad 00:33:45.910 --> 00:33:49.190 I didn't say something on that one, you know. 00:33:50.349 --> 00:33:54.009 And so I would say things like that, and it meant 00:33:54.009 --> 00:33:57.309 nothing. And on another occasion, I thought, 00:33:57.369 --> 00:33:59.670 you know, I'm working really hard, and I wasn't 00:33:59.670 --> 00:34:02.190 real detail -oriented, to say the least. And 00:34:02.190 --> 00:34:05.369 we're in seminary, and so I go and get some flowers 00:34:05.369 --> 00:34:09.539 for her, you know. I played a lot of pickup basketball, 00:34:09.679 --> 00:34:11.699 and I would lose track of time, and I kept coming 00:34:11.699 --> 00:34:13.460 home late, and we'd always argue about it, and 00:34:13.460 --> 00:34:15.800 I was trying to make up for it, you know, so 00:34:15.800 --> 00:34:19.380 I bring these flowers or something, and she, 00:34:19.480 --> 00:34:22.239 what? She takes them like that. She says, what 00:34:22.239 --> 00:34:25.659 are you doing? Well, you don't like flowers? 00:34:26.000 --> 00:34:28.539 Chip, we only have $10 in our checking account. 00:34:28.599 --> 00:34:30.840 How much do those cost? Just a little bit more 00:34:30.840 --> 00:34:35.679 than $10. So here's what I want you to get. I'm 00:34:35.679 --> 00:34:39.500 trying to express my love in ways that are not 00:34:39.500 --> 00:34:45.199 communicating, all right? And so on her side, 00:34:45.340 --> 00:34:49.079 I mean, we're in marriage counseling, okay? We're 00:34:49.079 --> 00:34:52.119 trying. So she, I mean, cooks these great meals, 00:34:52.199 --> 00:34:54.960 and the house is always beautiful, and I mean, 00:34:54.980 --> 00:34:57.840 she takes care of everything. I mean, just because... 00:34:59.500 --> 00:35:02.659 One of her love languages is acts of service. 00:35:03.139 --> 00:35:05.559 So she's saying, I love you with a great meal. 00:35:05.699 --> 00:35:07.559 I'm saying, you know what? I'll eat a peanut 00:35:07.559 --> 00:35:10.019 butter and jelly sandwich. Hug me like this and 00:35:10.019 --> 00:35:12.159 say, you're awesome, Chip, and you're handsome, 00:35:12.280 --> 00:35:13.980 and I think you're brilliant, and you look so 00:35:13.980 --> 00:35:17.679 sexy tonight. There's my love language, right? 00:35:18.340 --> 00:35:21.519 Oh, the house looks really clean. It is a wonderful 00:35:21.519 --> 00:35:25.719 meal, okay? And so she's feeling like I'm rejecting 00:35:25.719 --> 00:35:28.599 her love. Now, guys, I'm going to skip ahead. 00:35:29.070 --> 00:35:32.349 All right? Because there's some real breakthroughs. 00:35:32.929 --> 00:35:37.250 As I learned to love her in a way that made sense 00:35:37.250 --> 00:35:40.730 to her, and she learned what my love language 00:35:40.730 --> 00:35:43.969 was, little by little by little, see, what happens 00:35:43.969 --> 00:35:46.590 is there's all kind of issues, right? I mean, 00:35:46.590 --> 00:35:48.630 we had some deep stuff, family. When you grew 00:35:48.630 --> 00:35:52.690 up in an alcoholic family, we had some challenging 00:35:52.690 --> 00:35:56.300 trauma. We have a blended family. I mean, there's 00:35:56.300 --> 00:35:58.659 a lot of deep and insightful things and things 00:35:58.659 --> 00:36:01.539 we had to work on. And we were working and working 00:36:01.539 --> 00:36:04.340 and working. But if your emotional tank is empty, 00:36:04.539 --> 00:36:08.559 you don't want to work at it. You don't care. 00:36:10.480 --> 00:36:13.340 It's just like it's not worth it. And so if you 00:36:13.340 --> 00:36:18.210 can learn to meet the emotional needs. of your 00:36:18.210 --> 00:36:21.449 mate, then what happens is you kind of get enough 00:36:21.449 --> 00:36:25.309 gas in the emotional tank to work on those things 00:36:25.309 --> 00:36:29.510 that some of them take a long time. But the testimony 00:36:29.510 --> 00:36:32.869 of God is, I mean, how many of you prayed to 00:36:32.869 --> 00:36:34.829 receive Christ one night and just became like 00:36:34.829 --> 00:36:40.210 the Apostle Paul the next day? Right? You know, 00:36:40.269 --> 00:36:42.590 it's a journey. And the same is true in your 00:36:42.590 --> 00:36:46.590 marriage. I mean, in every area, you learn to 00:36:46.590 --> 00:36:50.230 communicate. You learn to develop a satisfying 00:36:50.230 --> 00:36:54.869 sex life for both of you. You learn to come up 00:36:54.869 --> 00:36:57.510 with a financial plan and a budget that works 00:36:57.510 --> 00:37:01.230 for you. You learn to relate to your various 00:37:01.230 --> 00:37:04.110 in -laws in ways that are both accepting and 00:37:04.110 --> 00:37:06.989 set boundaries. But isn't it a journey doing 00:37:06.989 --> 00:37:12.010 all that? And somehow, I mean, you know, I... 00:37:12.329 --> 00:37:14.570 I played basketball and baseball in college and 00:37:14.570 --> 00:37:16.869 then a few times overseas. What I can tell you 00:37:16.869 --> 00:37:21.389 is when I coach kids, here's the deal. You've 00:37:21.389 --> 00:37:22.750 got to learn to dribble. You've got to learn 00:37:22.750 --> 00:37:24.449 to block out. You've got to learn to pass. You've 00:37:24.449 --> 00:37:27.010 got to learn to rebound. I mean, there's fundamentals 00:37:27.010 --> 00:37:29.670 and skills, and you have to practice and practice 00:37:29.670 --> 00:37:31.449 and practice, and then you put it all together. 00:37:31.949 --> 00:37:35.070 It's a process. And you're going to be, you know, 00:37:35.110 --> 00:37:37.590 41 years. I'd like to say, oh, we don't argue. 00:37:37.730 --> 00:37:39.289 We never have any problems, but I'd be a liar. 00:37:40.250 --> 00:37:42.389 Now, we don't have the kind of arguments that 00:37:42.389 --> 00:37:45.289 attack each other. And, you know, after 41 years, 00:37:45.409 --> 00:37:48.610 I know her buttons and she knows mine. And I 00:37:48.610 --> 00:37:51.170 mean, I'm still, my love language is words of 00:37:51.170 --> 00:37:53.730 affirmation. So guess what? I'm super sensitive 00:37:53.730 --> 00:37:55.730 when the tone of her voice is even a little bit 00:37:55.730 --> 00:37:59.309 critical. If it's a 25 cent criticism, in my 00:37:59.309 --> 00:38:02.090 brain, it goes $25. And I can, you know, I've 00:38:02.090 --> 00:38:04.590 learned not to respond too much, but it kind 00:38:04.590 --> 00:38:08.389 of hurts. So let's go through the five love languages. 00:38:09.130 --> 00:38:11.289 And then I'm gonna give you some keys to discover 00:38:11.289 --> 00:38:14.590 yours. The first love language is words of affirmation. 00:38:16.510 --> 00:38:22.070 Some of us, words are super powerful. A compliment. 00:38:25.829 --> 00:38:32.570 A word of appreciation. For some, just saying 00:38:32.570 --> 00:38:43.130 some words, right? recognizing things about your 00:38:43.130 --> 00:38:46.449 character, saying something out loud in front 00:38:46.449 --> 00:38:48.929 of the children where a wife says she respects 00:38:48.929 --> 00:38:52.170 you, being out in public and saying a compliment 00:38:52.170 --> 00:38:55.570 about your mate, something you admire about them. 00:38:55.710 --> 00:38:58.010 And I don't mean in some phony, artificial way. 00:38:58.210 --> 00:39:01.469 And some people, you're not verbal. And you're 00:39:01.469 --> 00:39:04.050 married to someone that their number one love 00:39:04.050 --> 00:39:06.869 language is words of affirmation. And you know 00:39:06.869 --> 00:39:09.570 what? They're starving. And you go, but I cook 00:39:09.570 --> 00:39:13.250 great meals. They're starving. I gave him a nice 00:39:13.250 --> 00:39:15.309 gift or I gave her a nice gift. They're starving. 00:39:15.469 --> 00:39:18.010 What they need is words of affirmation. So what 00:39:18.010 --> 00:39:22.030 do you do? You go into training and you come 00:39:22.030 --> 00:39:25.070 up with devices to become a person who shares 00:39:25.070 --> 00:39:27.750 words of affirmation because love is a choice. 00:39:30.730 --> 00:39:34.010 What is it that... allows them to come alive? 00:39:34.110 --> 00:39:37.070 What fills their tank? And then you just become 00:39:37.070 --> 00:39:40.429 a student who says, I'm going to flat out choose 00:39:40.429 --> 00:39:44.030 to figure out what fills her tank or fills his 00:39:44.030 --> 00:39:47.349 tank. And whether it comes naturally or not naturally, 00:39:47.510 --> 00:39:50.389 how in the world can we give more energy to our 00:39:50.389 --> 00:39:53.050 profession, more energy to our business than 00:39:53.050 --> 00:39:55.849 we would to the person that we lie in the same 00:39:55.849 --> 00:39:58.710 bed with and say, I don't know what it's going 00:39:58.710 --> 00:40:01.869 to take, but I'm going to I'm going to learn 00:40:01.869 --> 00:40:03.789 and that I'm going to do it when it feels good. 00:40:03.909 --> 00:40:05.449 I'm going to do it when I don't feel anything 00:40:05.449 --> 00:40:07.090 at all. And I'm going to do it when it feels 00:40:07.090 --> 00:40:11.030 bad. Because that's what love is. That's what 00:40:11.030 --> 00:40:12.949 real love is because you're going to serve them. 00:40:13.449 --> 00:40:16.190 So words of affirmation is self -explanatory. 00:40:16.730 --> 00:40:19.610 But think of all the different things that you 00:40:19.610 --> 00:40:23.230 can say. Sometimes it's asking questions. Tell 00:40:23.230 --> 00:40:25.550 me a little bit more about that. How did that 00:40:25.550 --> 00:40:28.590 go? How did that make you feel? What happened 00:40:28.590 --> 00:40:31.250 in your day today? Wow, that's very interesting. 00:40:31.610 --> 00:40:35.590 That was very insightful. I just, you know, I'm 00:40:35.590 --> 00:40:37.889 amazed at how God has your mind work and you 00:40:37.889 --> 00:40:40.469 process information. You know, I really thought 00:40:40.469 --> 00:40:42.710 the way you interacted with our son after he 00:40:42.710 --> 00:40:45.909 was so disrespectful. Boy, I tell you what, you're 00:40:45.909 --> 00:40:49.289 a godly man. I'm honored to be married to you. 00:40:49.690 --> 00:40:53.280 How you responded to, you know. your boss or 00:40:53.280 --> 00:40:55.900 that supervisor and the way he treated you, wow, 00:40:55.980 --> 00:40:58.579 I'm so proud to be your husband or be your wife. 00:40:58.760 --> 00:41:03.699 The second one here is quality time. This is 00:41:03.699 --> 00:41:07.800 just being with one another. For me and Teresa, 00:41:08.039 --> 00:41:11.639 it is our common love language. And I'm guessing 00:41:11.639 --> 00:41:15.659 it's really probably number two, maybe 2 .5 for 00:41:15.659 --> 00:41:21.159 me. I travel quite a bit, both here and internationally, 00:41:21.360 --> 00:41:24.960 and before have pastored some churches that were 00:41:24.960 --> 00:41:27.579 pretty large, and so a lot of demand. And so 00:41:27.579 --> 00:41:31.599 we, I mean, every Friday we had a date. And just 00:41:31.599 --> 00:41:33.219 because of the age of our kids, I would drop 00:41:33.219 --> 00:41:35.599 them off on Friday morning because I had Saturday 00:41:35.599 --> 00:41:37.800 night and Sunday services. And we just had a 00:41:37.800 --> 00:41:41.280 four -hour block, 25 years. And then what I learned 00:41:41.280 --> 00:41:43.260 was we had to connect because of our communication 00:41:43.260 --> 00:41:47.440 difficulties after supper every night. 10, 15, 00:41:47.659 --> 00:41:50.099 sometimes 30 minutes, but we're gonna connect. 00:41:50.320 --> 00:41:53.500 And we actually went through a script. I mean, 00:41:53.539 --> 00:41:55.000 it sounds real structured. You know, what are 00:41:55.000 --> 00:41:56.539 you concerned about? What do you wish? What are 00:41:56.539 --> 00:41:59.780 you willing to do? Until we just got where every 00:41:59.780 --> 00:42:03.280 day in supper or right afterwards, we would connect 00:42:03.280 --> 00:42:08.980 at the heart level. But we put it in. Today, 00:42:11.199 --> 00:42:14.380 We are early risers and we start most days in 00:42:14.380 --> 00:42:16.119 the wee hours of the morning where we get to 00:42:16.119 --> 00:42:20.179 see the stars. I learned acts of service. So 00:42:20.179 --> 00:42:22.619 15 years ago, I started making coffee instead 00:42:22.619 --> 00:42:25.039 of her. I'd make it the night before and bring 00:42:25.039 --> 00:42:27.579 her a cup of coffee, sit on the floor and just 00:42:27.579 --> 00:42:31.019 talk. When I get home and we want to reconnect, 00:42:31.139 --> 00:42:32.800 often it'll be, hey, do you need to go to the 00:42:32.800 --> 00:42:34.780 grocery store or Target or anything? Because 00:42:34.780 --> 00:42:36.280 there's just something about when you've been 00:42:36.280 --> 00:42:38.679 away from each other. She hates to grocery shop. 00:42:38.880 --> 00:42:42.219 I mean, to me, Costco's like, whoa, you know? 00:42:43.159 --> 00:42:46.739 But just doing things together or do you need 00:42:46.739 --> 00:42:50.119 to run some errands? Just being together. You 00:42:50.119 --> 00:42:52.739 want to take a walk with the dog and you just 00:42:52.739 --> 00:42:56.139 hang out. And there's something that communicates 00:42:56.139 --> 00:42:58.980 to both of us that we're connected when we just 00:42:58.980 --> 00:43:02.320 hang out together. And so we do a lot of hanging 00:43:02.320 --> 00:43:04.719 out. And the good news is that's easy for both 00:43:04.719 --> 00:43:09.710 of us. So for me, that acts of service are things 00:43:09.710 --> 00:43:13.530 fixed, are things picked up. Early in our marriage, 00:43:13.590 --> 00:43:16.130 she would work very hard and she would do all 00:43:16.130 --> 00:43:18.369 the laundry and it would be on the bed and stacked, 00:43:18.530 --> 00:43:20.969 you know, t -shirts and this and this and that. 00:43:21.269 --> 00:43:23.389 And so I would walk in being very busy and I 00:43:23.389 --> 00:43:24.710 would take all of them off the bed when it's 00:43:24.710 --> 00:43:26.329 time to go to bed and put them on the dresser. 00:43:27.869 --> 00:43:29.550 And they might be on the dresser for three or 00:43:29.550 --> 00:43:32.269 four days. And she would just look at me like, 00:43:32.449 --> 00:43:36.639 don't you love me? And I mean, you gotta understand, 00:43:36.800 --> 00:43:39.679 when you're as warped as I am, what do you mean, 00:43:39.739 --> 00:43:43.940 don't I love you? Well, there's all the clothes 00:43:43.940 --> 00:43:45.739 that I made and spent all that time to serve 00:43:45.739 --> 00:43:48.880 and love you on the dresser. And you know, forgive 00:43:48.880 --> 00:43:52.000 me, ladies, but I'm so hard -headed. What in 00:43:52.000 --> 00:43:54.219 the world does clothes on the bed got to do with 00:43:54.219 --> 00:43:57.500 love? Love's about kissing, right? And you know, 00:43:57.940 --> 00:44:05.449 love was like, in my brain, not... Fixing the 00:44:05.449 --> 00:44:09.050 disposal and the washing machine leaks. What's 00:44:09.050 --> 00:44:13.829 love got to do with it? Got to do with it. And 00:44:13.829 --> 00:44:19.389 you know what I learned? I literally had to write 00:44:19.389 --> 00:44:21.869 these things on cards. And every time I build 00:44:21.869 --> 00:44:24.170 a habit, as soon as I see it, I put it away. 00:44:24.670 --> 00:44:27.349 As soon as I see it, I put it away. When I walk 00:44:27.349 --> 00:44:29.889 by the trash can each and every day, I look in 00:44:29.889 --> 00:44:33.090 there and she'll say, well, almost every day. 00:44:33.630 --> 00:44:37.849 But I, you know, it's, you know, because what 00:44:37.849 --> 00:44:41.429 I've learned, that means I love you. And I resisted 00:44:41.429 --> 00:44:43.610 and I didn't like it and it was ticked off and 00:44:43.610 --> 00:44:45.690 it didn't make sense. And then finally I thought, 00:44:45.869 --> 00:44:48.769 Chip, do you love your wife or not? Answer, yes. 00:44:49.130 --> 00:44:50.989 Well, if that means I love you to her, why don't 00:44:50.989 --> 00:44:54.070 you just shut up and do it? And so I just started 00:44:54.070 --> 00:44:57.130 shutting up and doing it. And then she has very 00:44:57.130 --> 00:45:00.949 sacrificially learned to talk and give words 00:45:00.949 --> 00:45:04.889 of affirmation. And encouragement. And she would 00:45:04.889 --> 00:45:09.389 probably say. Yes he's verbal. We've had conversations 00:45:09.389 --> 00:45:16.190 where. Oh my gosh. She's almost afraid. So what 00:45:16.190 --> 00:45:17.769 are you learning right now? Oh I've got to tell 00:45:17.769 --> 00:45:22.170 you. I don't want to hear that. She goes I don't 00:45:22.170 --> 00:45:25.329 want the whole sermon right now. Let me get it 00:45:25.329 --> 00:45:28.489 later. Or what's going on with you. Or what happened 00:45:28.489 --> 00:45:31.170 when you were in China. Whatever. And I have 00:45:31.170 --> 00:45:34.679 to learn to. I'm still learning. But she listens. 00:45:34.760 --> 00:45:39.199 She asks questions. She gives me words of affirmation. 00:45:39.719 --> 00:45:43.519 And it fills my tank. And I'm learning to fill 00:45:43.519 --> 00:45:48.039 her tank. Words of affirmation. Quality time. 00:45:48.960 --> 00:45:52.239 You drink coffee. You take walks. You go to coffee 00:45:52.239 --> 00:45:56.599 shops. Yes, you actually walk around those little 00:45:56.599 --> 00:46:00.239 shops. You know? and then at times sit on the 00:46:00.239 --> 00:46:01.820 bench outside and say, I'll just be here. Why 00:46:01.820 --> 00:46:05.300 don't you take your time in there? But you go. 00:46:06.619 --> 00:46:10.940 The third is receiving gifts. Some people, that's 00:46:10.940 --> 00:46:13.619 their love language. And they don't have to be 00:46:13.619 --> 00:46:17.659 expensive. But, you know, you make something 00:46:17.659 --> 00:46:23.599 for them. Or sometimes they are expensive. And 00:46:23.599 --> 00:46:25.719 see, by the way, now here's where conflict comes. 00:46:25.880 --> 00:46:31.469 Some of us, by nature, are our spenders and some 00:46:31.469 --> 00:46:34.690 of us are savers. Some of us, when we see money 00:46:34.690 --> 00:46:36.750 and the way we think about money, we think about 00:46:36.750 --> 00:46:39.650 saving and investing and that's a good use of 00:46:39.650 --> 00:46:42.150 money. And other people think this is money and 00:46:42.150 --> 00:46:44.510 what you do is you spend it to love people and 00:46:44.510 --> 00:46:46.670 do wonderful things. When those two people get 00:46:46.670 --> 00:46:49.550 married, there's a little conflict. And if they 00:46:49.550 --> 00:46:52.250 can, you learn to communicate, it's a blessing 00:46:52.250 --> 00:46:55.510 because having money stacked up that make you 00:46:55.510 --> 00:46:58.579 feel secure somehow, and not enjoying the good 00:46:58.579 --> 00:47:01.079 gifts God's given is not very smart, or spending 00:47:01.079 --> 00:47:03.360 more than you actually have is not very smart 00:47:03.360 --> 00:47:07.380 either. But in this whole issue of gifts, some 00:47:07.380 --> 00:47:09.699 people love surprises, some people hate surprises. 00:47:10.039 --> 00:47:12.539 Some people are surprised what the gift is like, 00:47:12.659 --> 00:47:15.019 but it can be the gift of, I was actually talking 00:47:15.019 --> 00:47:18.179 with someone earlier, and he was saying, you 00:47:18.179 --> 00:47:22.460 know, Valentine's Day, I got a card in my lunch. 00:47:22.880 --> 00:47:26.000 Then I got a card, like his wife. Little gifts, 00:47:26.079 --> 00:47:29.039 three little cards that said, you matter, I'm 00:47:29.039 --> 00:47:31.780 thinking of you, I value you. The gift of a phone 00:47:31.780 --> 00:47:34.539 call, the gift of a text, I'm thinking about 00:47:34.539 --> 00:47:37.039 you today. You know, I was at this little store 00:47:37.039 --> 00:47:39.440 and I know it's really crazy, but I know you 00:47:39.440 --> 00:47:41.199 collect those cups from different cities and 00:47:41.199 --> 00:47:43.920 I saw this as I was traveling and when I come 00:47:43.920 --> 00:47:46.539 home, I got it for you. You know, my wife likes 00:47:46.539 --> 00:47:48.400 pink, so sometimes when I'm traveling around 00:47:48.400 --> 00:47:51.280 and I'm not always sure about... I'm not the 00:47:51.280 --> 00:47:53.739 artist type, but maybe it looks like it might 00:47:53.739 --> 00:47:56.420 fit her. I'm not very good at picking it out, 00:47:56.480 --> 00:47:59.219 but I'll just bring her something. That's not 00:47:59.219 --> 00:48:03.320 real high on her list, but ask yourself, is that 00:48:03.320 --> 00:48:06.179 when you feel special? Often, so much of this 00:48:06.179 --> 00:48:09.059 grew out of when you were a kid and your family 00:48:09.059 --> 00:48:13.840 and how they celebrated you. Ask yourself. Words 00:48:13.840 --> 00:48:16.519 of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, 00:48:16.699 --> 00:48:21.699 acts of service. I mean, it's... It's helping 00:48:21.699 --> 00:48:25.559 out. It's working in the yard together. It's 00:48:25.559 --> 00:48:27.719 taking care of things. It's making sure they're 00:48:27.719 --> 00:48:30.980 fixed. For some of you, that comes really naturally. 00:48:31.179 --> 00:48:34.460 And by the way, here's the thing. The unconscious 00:48:34.460 --> 00:48:37.980 thing most of us do is whatever our love language 00:48:37.980 --> 00:48:41.619 is, we express that to our mate because since 00:48:41.619 --> 00:48:45.579 it is loving to us, we assume it's to them. And 00:48:45.579 --> 00:48:50.170 rarely is it the same. The final one here is 00:48:50.170 --> 00:48:53.530 physical touch. And most men rank that pretty 00:48:53.530 --> 00:48:55.849 high. Don't confuse that completely with sexual 00:48:55.849 --> 00:48:59.889 intercourse. I don't know that I've met many 00:48:59.889 --> 00:49:04.090 men ever who've told me most women probably have 00:49:04.090 --> 00:49:07.469 no idea how deeply affirming a man feels when 00:49:07.469 --> 00:49:09.610 his wife wants to be with him and really expresses 00:49:09.610 --> 00:49:12.750 her love sexually. It just is the way it is. 00:49:13.400 --> 00:49:15.440 But physical touch is far more than that. That 00:49:15.440 --> 00:49:18.940 can be a squeezing of the hand. It might be when 00:49:18.940 --> 00:49:22.579 you're sitting, you sit close to them. It might 00:49:22.579 --> 00:49:24.639 be a tap on the shoulder when you pour a cup 00:49:24.639 --> 00:49:27.880 of coffee. It might be when you're sitting, I've 00:49:27.880 --> 00:49:31.719 seen someone rub someone's hair. But there's 00:49:31.719 --> 00:49:34.500 people that, our whole bodies are made to be 00:49:34.500 --> 00:49:36.860 touched. And there's something about, I mean, 00:49:36.880 --> 00:49:38.860 think of what happens in a crisis. What's the 00:49:38.860 --> 00:49:40.940 first thing that people do in the middle of a 00:49:40.940 --> 00:49:44.710 crisis when they see one another? They hug, right? 00:49:45.769 --> 00:49:48.909 So here's what I want you to do. I want you to 00:49:48.909 --> 00:49:53.070 write down what you think your top two love languages 00:49:53.070 --> 00:49:59.030 are. And let me give you two ways. For many of 00:49:59.030 --> 00:50:01.710 you, it's like you know right now. But here's 00:50:01.710 --> 00:50:07.949 one way. What bothers you the most? What really 00:50:07.949 --> 00:50:15.139 bothers you the most? Like if, I mean, how come 00:50:15.139 --> 00:50:17.739 he didn't notice I did all the dishes? How come 00:50:17.739 --> 00:50:19.659 she didn't notice I cut the lawn, I fixed this, 00:50:19.739 --> 00:50:22.900 I did this, I did this? Or how come, I mean, 00:50:22.900 --> 00:50:24.800 she didn't even say thanks. There were no words. 00:50:24.920 --> 00:50:27.320 If it really bothers you, that's a good indicator 00:50:27.320 --> 00:50:30.079 it's your love language. The other one is, is 00:50:30.079 --> 00:50:33.980 what do you ask for the most? I mean, when you're 00:50:33.980 --> 00:50:36.340 getting really honest and you're saying, hey, 00:50:36.500 --> 00:50:40.150 you know, at some point in time. What says I 00:50:40.150 --> 00:50:42.250 love you to you? What are you asking for? What 00:50:42.250 --> 00:50:45.750 do you want from your mate the most? That is 00:50:45.750 --> 00:50:48.349 probably your number one love language. I mean, 00:50:48.369 --> 00:50:51.400 listen carefully. unconsciously what we do is 00:50:51.400 --> 00:50:54.599 we all have challenges in our marriage. And okay, 00:50:54.639 --> 00:50:56.559 it's a problem. And he does this or that, she 00:50:56.559 --> 00:50:59.079 does that. And she doesn't do this or he doesn't 00:50:59.079 --> 00:51:01.019 do this. And it really bothers you. And you keep 00:51:01.019 --> 00:51:02.840 looking at that and you focus on that and focus 00:51:02.840 --> 00:51:04.320 on that, focus on it. You know what you start 00:51:04.320 --> 00:51:06.440 doing? You start looking at your relationship 00:51:06.440 --> 00:51:09.320 through that lens. And then pretty soon, if this 00:51:09.320 --> 00:51:11.219 isn't a good marriage and I don't really like 00:51:11.219 --> 00:51:13.340 this and you become very, very negative. And 00:51:13.340 --> 00:51:15.119 the fact of the matter is if you would pull that 00:51:15.119 --> 00:51:18.920 way back, you have really in general, a really 00:51:18.920 --> 00:51:22.019 good marriage with lots of normal problems. And 00:51:22.019 --> 00:51:24.940 here's the thing. If you focus on that little 00:51:24.940 --> 00:51:28.860 10 or 20 % that's negative, it will grow. If 00:51:28.860 --> 00:51:33.880 you begin to fill up your mate's need for love 00:51:33.880 --> 00:51:36.300 in the language that makes sense to them, I will 00:51:36.300 --> 00:51:37.719 tell you what, this thing will keep shrinking 00:51:37.719 --> 00:51:40.219 and shrinking and shrinking and shrinking. And 00:51:40.219 --> 00:51:41.760 then there are some things, we're going to talk 00:51:41.760 --> 00:51:44.519 about how you really deal with, but you'll have 00:51:44.519 --> 00:51:48.760 capacity. You'll have some capacity to deal with 00:51:48.760 --> 00:51:51.440 it in a way that isn't critical and it's not 00:51:51.440 --> 00:51:54.820 make or break. The biggest thing I see with couples 00:51:54.820 --> 00:51:57.579 is you think you have these problems that are 00:51:57.579 --> 00:52:00.539 insurmountable and you've fallen out of love 00:52:00.539 --> 00:52:03.840 and there's no hope or you're on the edge when 00:52:03.840 --> 00:52:05.940 what you don't realize is you're just on the 00:52:05.940 --> 00:52:08.039 25 -yard line. You just need to make a couple 00:52:08.039 --> 00:52:10.920 more first downs. And believe me, there's a great 00:52:10.920 --> 00:52:13.659 future ahead of you, but you got to make a couple 00:52:13.659 --> 00:52:17.019 first downs. We can't do this, Lord, without 00:52:17.019 --> 00:52:21.579 you. Fill us with your spirit. Fill us with your 00:52:21.579 --> 00:52:25.599 power. Lord, help us to choose to love when we 00:52:25.599 --> 00:52:28.659 don't feel like it. That's probably when we love 00:52:28.659 --> 00:52:34.559 the most. This is Living on the Edge with Chip 00:52:34.559 --> 00:52:37.139 Ingram, and we're in our series called Choosing 00:52:37.139 --> 00:52:39.880 Love. If you're ready to turn today's challenge 00:52:39.880 --> 00:52:43.340 into lasting change, Chip's newest book, I Choose 00:52:43.340 --> 00:52:46.179 Love, gives you the practical roadmap you need. 00:52:46.500 --> 00:52:49.300 It doesn't just tell you what to do. It shows 00:52:49.300 --> 00:52:52.179 you how to do it. You'll learn to recognize the 00:52:52.179 --> 00:52:55.059 subtle ways pride and selfishness sabotage your 00:52:55.059 --> 00:52:57.900 relationships. You'll discover practical exercises 00:52:57.900 --> 00:53:01.179 to develop genuine humility. And you'll see how 00:53:01.179 --> 00:53:04.099 choosing agape love, the sacrificial, others 00:53:04.099 --> 00:53:07.159 -focused love of God, transforms even your most 00:53:07.159 --> 00:53:10.280 difficult relationships. I Choose Love addresses 00:53:10.280 --> 00:53:13.320 the real issues we all face. The tendency to 00:53:13.320 --> 00:53:15.679 need the last word. The subtle belief that our 00:53:15.679 --> 00:53:18.579 perspective is the truth. The grandiosity that 00:53:18.579 --> 00:53:21.199 shows up in small ways like chronic lateness. 00:53:21.880 --> 00:53:24.280 Chip gets brutally honest about his own struggles, 00:53:24.400 --> 00:53:27.219 and he shows you the path forward. If you're 00:53:27.219 --> 00:53:29.900 tired of broken relationships and ready to experience 00:53:29.900 --> 00:53:33.159 love that actually works, get your copy of I 00:53:33.159 --> 00:53:37.400 Choose Love today. Visit livingontheedge .org. 00:53:37.659 --> 00:53:40.340 And friend, this Bible teaching program is reaching 00:53:40.340 --> 00:53:42.920 you and countless others because of the faithful 00:53:42.920 --> 00:53:45.840 giving of listeners just like you. When you give 00:53:45.840 --> 00:53:48.079 to Living on the Edge, you're multiplying this 00:53:48.079 --> 00:53:50.960 message of transformative love around the world. 00:53:51.710 --> 00:53:54.750 Would you join us? Visit livingontheedge .org 00:53:54.750 --> 00:54:00.849 to give or just call us at 888 -333 -6003. Well, 00:54:00.869 --> 00:54:03.329 that wraps up today's episode. Don't miss the 00:54:03.329 --> 00:54:05.849 next Bible teaching message coming up here on 00:54:05.849 --> 00:54:12.150 the Chip Ingram Sermon Podcast. Today's program 00:54:12.150 --> 00:54:14.909 is produced and sponsored by Living on the Edge.