Today on Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.
We all know that the love that transforms is
unconditional love. And when we love our mates
in the way that God loves us, great things happen.
But what's the practical way to do that? How
do you love your mate in a way that really makes
sense to them? That's today. Stay with me. Have
you ever felt like you and your spouse are missing
each other? You're both trying to show love,
but somehow it's not landing. Today on Living
on the Edge, Chip Ingram continues unpacking
the five love languages. Words of affirmation,
quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service,
and physical touch. When you discover which language
fills your spouse's emotional tank, everything
shifts. Through biblical guidance and some honest
stories from his own marriage, Chip will help
you identify what makes your spouse feel truly
loved. Here's Chip Ingram with a message titled,
Serving, How to Deepen Your Love. We're going
to learn the five languages of love, and I'm
going to tell you it'll be the beginning of a
new day. I'll give you the picture of this is
how this works. One of my love languages are
words that affirm, and another love language
of mine is physical touch. Probably after that
is quality time, and by God's grace, that's...
Quality time is probably her number two and my
number two. And so early in our marriage, I think
I'm loving my wife. And so I'm telling her, you
look beautiful. I love you, verbal. I care for
you. You're wonderful. And by the way, she doesn't
say that to me. I'm an extrovert. She's an introvert.
She doesn't say a lot. There's times we get in
the car and we're driving for 30 minutes. I grew
up in a family where you didn't take turns. You
just interrupted one another. She came and visited
my family, and it was like, these people are
crazy. She didn't get a word in edgewise. Well,
we're a verbal family. Hers, I mean, you hear
a pin drop at supper, you know? And so we're
driving in the car for like 30 minutes. And so
being the man and having bizarre thoughts, I
think, I wonder how long, I'm not going to say
anything, and see how long it takes her to say
something to me. You know? Okay, you know? You
know, it's 10 minutes, 22 minutes. And we're
getting ready to be where we're supposed to be.
And, you know, she's looking out the window.
You know, like that. And then, in the nick of
time, she says this. I'll never forget it. She
turns to me and she goes, isn't it wonderful
just to be with a person that you love and not
have to say a word? You know? On this drive,
I've just looked at the hills and the animals,
and it's been so beautiful. I'm thinking, I'm
so glad I didn't say something on that one, you
know. And so I would say things like that, and
it meant nothing. And on another occasion, I
thought, you know, I'm working really hard, and
I wasn't real detail -oriented, to say the least.
And we're in seminary, and so I go and get some
flowers for her. You know, I played a lot of
pickup basketball, and I would lose track of
time. And I kept coming home late, and we'd always
argue about it. And I was trying to make up for
it, you know. So I bring these flowers or something,
and she, what? She takes them like that. She
says, what are you doing? Well, you don't like
flowers? Chip, we only have $10 in our checking
account. How much do those cost? Just a little
bit more than $10. So here's what I want you
to get. I'm trying to express my love in ways
that are not communicating, all right? And so
on her side, I mean, we're in marriage counseling,
okay? We're trying. So she, I mean, cooks these
great meals and the house is always beautiful.
And I mean, she takes care of everything. I mean,
just because one of her love languages is acts
of service. So she's saying, I love you with
a great meal. I'm saying, you know what? I'll
eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Hug me
like this and say, you're awesome, Chip, and
you're handsome, and I think you're brilliant,
and you look so sexy tonight. And, you know,
there's my love language, right? And, you know,
oh, the house looks really clean. You know, it
is a wonderful meal, okay? You know, and so she's
feeling like I'm rejecting her love. Now, guys,
I'm going to skip ahead, all right? Because here,
there's some real breakthroughs. As I learned
to love her in a way that made sense to her,
and she learned what my love language was, then
what happens is you kind of get enough gas in
the emotional tank to work on those things that
some of them take a long time. There's fundamentals
and skills, and you have to practice and practice
and practice, and then you put it all together.
It's a process. And you're going to be, you know,
41 years, I'd like to say, oh, we don't argue.
We never have any problems, but I'd be a liar.
Now, we don't have the kind of arguments that
attack each other. And, you know, after 41 years,
I know her buttons and she knows mine. And I
mean, I'm still, my love language is words of
affirmation. So guess what? I'm super sensitive
when the tone of her voice is even a little bit
critical. If it's a 25 cent criticism, in my
brain, it goes $25. And I can, you know, I've
learned not to, respond too much, but ooh, it
kind of hurts. So let's go through the five love
languages, and then I'm going to give you some
keys to discover yours. The first love language
is words of affirmation. Some of us, words are
super powerful. A compliment. A word of appreciation.
For some, just saying some words, right? Recognizing
things about your character. Saying something
out loud in front of the children where a wife
says she respects you. Being out in public and
saying a compliment about your mate. Something
you admire about them. And I don't mean in some
phony, artificial way. And some people, you're
not verbal. And you're married to someone that
their number one love language is words of affirmation.
And you know what? They're starving. And you
go, but I cook great meals. They're starving.
I gave him a nice gift or I gave her a nice gift.
They're starving. What they need is words of
affirmation. So what do you do? You go into training.
And you come up with devices to become a person
who shares words of affirmation because love
is a choice. What is it that allows them to come
alive? What fills their tank? And then you just
become a student who says, I'm gonna flat out
choose to figure out what fills her tank or fills
his tank and whether it comes naturally or not
naturally. How in the world can we give more
energy to our profession, more energy to our
business than we would to the person that we
lie in the same bed with and say, I don't know
what it's gonna take, but I'm gonna learn and
that I'm gonna do it when it feels good, I'm
gonna do it when I don't feel anything at all,
and I'm gonna do it when it feels bad. Because
that's what love is. That's what real love is,
because you're gonna serve them. So words of
affirmation is self -explanatory, but think of,
Think of all the different things that you can
say. Sometimes it's asking questions. Tell me
a little bit more about that. How did that go?
How did that make you feel? What happened in
your day today? Wow, that's very interesting.
That was very insightful. I just, you know, I'm
amazed at how God has your mind work and you
process information. You know, I really thought
the way you interacted with our son after he
was so disrespectful. Well, I tell you what.
You're a godly man. I'm honored to be married
to you. How you responded to your boss or that
supervisor and the way he treated you. Wow, I'm
so proud to be your husband or be your wife.
The second one here is quality time. This is
just being with one another. For me and Teresa,
it is our common love language. And I'm guessing
it's really probably number two. maybe 2 .5 for
me. But I travel quite a bit, both here and internationally,
and before have pastored some churches that were
pretty large, and so a lot of demand. And so
we, I mean, every Friday we had a date. And just
because of the age of our kids, I would drop
them off on Friday morning because I had Saturday
night and Sunday services. And we just had a
four -hour block, 25 years. And then what I learned
was we had to connect because of our communication
difficulties after supper every night for 10,
15, sometimes 30 minutes, but we're going to
connect. And we actually went through a script.
I mean, it sounds real structured. You know,
what are you concerned about? What do you wish?
What are you willing to do? Until we just got
where every day in supper or right afterwards,
we would connect at the heart level. But we put
it in. You're listening to Living on the Edge
with Chip Ingram. Chip will continue today's
message in just a moment, so stay with us. If
today's teaching is resonating with you, there's
more where this came from. The complete series,
Choosing Love, is available right now at livingontheedge
.org. You'll also find study notes, discussion
questions, and resources to help you go deeper.
Everything is waiting for you online at livingontheedge
.org. Well, now let's continue with Chip's message.
Today, we are early risers and we start most
days in the wee hours of the morning where we
get to see the stars. I learned acts of service.
So 15 years ago, I started making coffee instead
of her. I'd make it the night before and bring
her a cup of coffee, sit on the floor and just
talk. When I get home and we want to reconnect,
often it'll be, hey, do you need to go to the
grocery store or Target or anything? Because
there's just something about when you've been
away from each other. She hates to grocery shop.
I mean, to me, Costco's like, whoa, you know?
But just doing things together or do you need
to run some errands? Just being together. You
want to take a walk with the dog and you just
hang out. And there's something that communicates
to both of us that we're connected. when we just
hang out together. And so we do a lot of hanging
out. And the good news is that's easy for both
of us. So for me, that acts of service are things
fixed, are things picked up. Early in our marriage,
she would work very hard and she would do all
the laundry and it would be on the bed and stacked,
you know, t -shirts and this and this and that.
And so I would walk in being very busy and I
would take all of them off the bed when it's
time to go to bed and put them on the dresser.
And they might be on the dresser for three or
four days. And she would just look at me like,
don't you love me? And I mean, you gotta understand,
when you're as warped as I am, what do you mean,
don't I love you? Well, there's all the clothes
that I made and spent all that time to serve
and love you on the dresser. And you know, forgive
me, ladies, but I'm so hard -headed. What in
the world does clothes on the bed got to do with
love? Love's about kissing. Right? You know,
love was like, in my brain, fixing the disposal
and the washing machine leaks. What's love got
to do with it? Got to do with it. And you know
what I learned? I literally had to write these
things on cards. And every time I build a habit,
as soon as I see it, I put it away. As soon as
I see it, I put it away. When I walk by the trash
can each and every day, I look in there and she'll
say, well, almost every day. But I, you know,
it's, you know, because what I've learned, that
means I love you. And I resisted and I didn't
like it and it was ticked off and it didn't make
sense. And then finally I thought, Chip, do you
love your wife or not? Answer, yes. Well, if
that means I love you to her, why don't you just
shut up and do it? And so I just started shutting
up and doing it. And then she has very sacrificially
learned to talk and give words of affirmation
and encouragement. And she would probably say,
yes, he's verbal. We've had conversations where,
oh my gosh. She's almost afraid. So what are
you learning right now? Oh, I got to tell you.
I don't want to hear it. She goes, I don't want
the whole sermon right now. Let me get it later.
Or what's going on with you? Or what happened
when you were in China? Whatever. And I have
to learn to, I'm still learning. But she listens.
She asks questions. She gives me words of affirmation.
And it fills my tank. And I'm learning to fill
her tank. Words of affirmation. Quality time.
You drink coffee. You take walks. You go to coffee
shops. Yes, you actually walk around those little
shops, you know. And then at times sit on the
bench outside and say, I'll just be here. Why
don't you take your time in there? But you go.
The third is receiving gifts. Some people, that's
their love language. And they don't have to be
expensive. But, you know, you make something
for them. Or sometimes they are expensive. And
see, by the way, now here's where conflict comes.
Some of us, by nature, are spenders and some
of us are savers. Some of us, when we see money
and the way we think about money, we think about
saving and investing and that's a good use of
money. And other people think this is money and
what you do is you spend it to love people and
do wonderful things. When those two people get
married, there's a little conflict. And if they
can, you learn to communicate, it's a blessing
because having money stacked up that make you
feel secure somehow, and not enjoying the good
gifts God's given is not very smart, or spending
more than you actually have is not very smart
either. But in this whole issue of gifts, some
people love surprises, some people hate surprises.
Some people are surprised what the gift is like,
but it can be the gift of, I was actually talking
with someone earlier and he was saying, you know,
Valentine's Day, I got a card in my lunch. Then
I got a card, like his wife. Little gifts, three
little cards that said, you matter, I'm thinking
of you, I value you. The gift of a phone call,
the gift of a text, I'm thinking about you today.
You know, I was at this little store and I know
it's really crazy, but I know you collect those
cups from different cities and I saw this as
I was traveling and when I come home, I got it
for you. You know, my wife likes pink, so sometimes
when I'm traveling around and I'm not always
sure about... I'm not the artist type, but maybe
it looks like it might fit her. I'm not very
good at picking it out, but I'll just bring her
something. That's not real high on her list,
but ask yourself, is that when you feel special?
Often, so much of this grew out of when you were
a kid and your family and how they celebrated
you. Ask yourself. Words of affirmation, quality
time, receiving gifts, acts of service. I mean,
it's... It's helping out. It's working in the
yard together. It's taking care of things. It's
making sure they're fixed. For some of you, that
comes really naturally. And by the way, here's
the thing. The unconscious thing most of us do
is whatever our love language is, we express
that to our mate because since it is loving to
us, we assume it's to them. And rarely is it
the same. The final one here is physical touch.
And most men rank that pretty high. Don't confuse
that completely with sexual intercourse. I don't
know that I've met many men ever who've told
me most women probably have no idea how deeply
affirming a man feels when his wife wants to
be with him and really expresses her love sexually.
It just is the way it is. But physical touch
is far more than that. That can be a squeezing
of the hand. It might be when you're sitting.
You know, you sit close to them. It might be
a tap on the shoulder when you pour a cup of
coffee. It might be, you know, when you're sitting,
you know, I've seen, you know, someone rub someone's
hair. But there's people that, you know, our
whole bodies are made to be touched. And there's
something about, I mean, think of what happens
in a crisis. What's the first thing that people
do in the middle of a crisis when they see one
another? They hug, right? So here's what I want
you to do. I want you to write down. what you
think your top two love languages are. And let
me give you two ways. For many of you, it's like
you know right now. But here's one way. What
bothers you the most? What really bothers you
the most? Like if, how come he didn't notice
I did all the dishes? How come she didn't notice
I cut the lawn, I fixed this, I did this, I did
this? Or how come... I mean, she didn't even
say thanks. There were no words. If it really
bothers you, that's a good indicator it's your
love language. The other one is, what do you
ask for the most? I mean, when you're getting
really honest and you're saying, hey, at some
point in time, what says I love you to you? What
are you asking for? What do you want from your
mate the most? That is probably your number one
love language. I mean, listen carefully. unconsciously
what we do is we all have challenges in our marriage.
And okay, it's a problem. And he does this or
that, she does that. And she doesn't do this
or he doesn't do this. And it really bothers
you. And you keep looking at that and you focus
on that and focus on that, focus on it. You know
what you start doing? You start looking at your
relationship through that lens. And then pretty
soon, if this isn't a good marriage and I don't
really like this and you become very, very negative.
And the fact of the matter is if you would pull
that way back, you have really in general, a
really good marriage with lots of normal problems.
And here's the thing. If you focus on that little
10 or 20 % that's negative, it will grow. If
you begin to fill up your mate's need for love
in the language that makes sense to them, I will
tell you what, this thing will keep shrinking
and shrinking and shrinking and shrinking. And
then there are some things, we're going to talk
about how you really deal with, but you'll have
capacity. You have some capacity to deal with
it in a way that isn't critical and it's not
make or break. The biggest thing I see with couples
is you think you have these problems that are
insurmountable and you've fallen out of love
and there's no hope or you're on the edge when
what you don't realize is you're just on the
25 -yard line. You just need to make a couple
more first downs. And believe me, there's a great
future ahead of you, but you got to make a couple
first downs. We can't do this, Lord, without
you. Fill us with your spirit. Fill us with your
power. Lord, help us to choose to love when we
don't feel like it. That's probably when we love
the most. Get your copy of I Choose Love at livingontheedge
.org. You know, it's encouraging to know that
marriages across the country are being transformed
as couples learn to communicate love effectively.
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episodes right alongside our regular broadcasts
on your podcast app. Well, now here's Chip with
more on serving. As we wrap up today's program,
I want to give you just a little bit of mentoring
or coaching on how to put this into practice.
By way of review, serving our mate is the way
we express unconditional love. But then how do
you serve them in a way that makes sense to them?
I ask you near the end of this message to just
write down two or three behaviors, things specifically
that you know makes your mate feel loved. And
if you're not sure what they are, just go ahead
and ask them. At times I've asked Teresa, just
write down. This may not sound romantic. Write
down two or three things that when I do these
things, you really feel loved. And guys, by the
way, it might be taking out the garbage or helping
with the vacuuming or something. you're thinking,
you got to be kidding me. Well, here's the good
news. Let them write it down and just choose
to do it because people need to be loved in a
way that makes sense to them. The second thing
I talked about was learning your mate's top two
love languages. I get this from the book Love
Languages by Gary Chapman, and the five languages
are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving
gifts. acts of service and physical touch. And
the only point here is this, is that we tend
to give love in the way that it's meaningful
to us. In other words, mine are words of affirmation
and physical affection. Well, I thought, well,
if I give that to Teresa, she's going to really
feel loved. What I didn't realize was that's
not her love language. Her number one love language
is acts of service. So what I want you to do
is just look at those five things. You can even
check out the notes. We've got them right there.
And then begin this week to love your mate in
the language that makes sense to them. I found
when I began to do acts of service around the
house, cleaning up things, helping out with things,
seeing what needed to be fixed, my wife started
to feel very, very loved. When I had been telling
her, I love you, and I'm for you, and I did all
these what I thought were romantic things, and
they were like BBs off of a tank. Let me encourage
you. It may not sound sexy or life -changing.
But isn't it interesting that the very last thing
Jesus did, he served his disciples. And at the
end of the day, when we follow his example, that's
how you keep love alive in your marriage. Let's
do that this week. How do you strengthen hope
in your marriage for the future? Well, I'm Dave
Drewy. Join us as Chip Ingram shows how planning
deepens love. Tomorrow on Living on the Edge.
Today's program is produced and sponsored by
Living on the Edge.