WEBVTT 00:00:11.439 --> 00:00:14.179 Today on Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. 00:00:14.240 --> 00:00:17.559 We all know that the love that transforms is 00:00:17.559 --> 00:00:21.239 unconditional love. And when we love our mates 00:00:21.239 --> 00:00:24.300 in the way that God loves us, great things happen. 00:00:24.579 --> 00:00:28.440 But what's the practical way to do that? How 00:00:28.440 --> 00:00:31.399 do you love your mate in a way that really makes 00:00:31.399 --> 00:00:36.460 sense to them? That's today. Stay with me. Have 00:00:36.460 --> 00:00:38.520 you ever felt like you and your spouse are missing 00:00:38.520 --> 00:00:40.939 each other? You're both trying to show love, 00:00:41.039 --> 00:00:43.939 but somehow it's not landing. Today on Living 00:00:43.939 --> 00:00:46.359 on the Edge, Chip Ingram continues unpacking 00:00:46.359 --> 00:00:49.240 the five love languages. Words of affirmation, 00:00:49.280 --> 00:00:52.340 quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, 00:00:52.500 --> 00:00:55.640 and physical touch. When you discover which language 00:00:55.640 --> 00:00:58.420 fills your spouse's emotional tank, everything 00:00:58.420 --> 00:01:01.619 shifts. Through biblical guidance and some honest 00:01:01.619 --> 00:01:04.180 stories from his own marriage, Chip will help 00:01:04.180 --> 00:01:06.719 you identify what makes your spouse feel truly 00:01:06.719 --> 00:01:09.920 loved. Here's Chip Ingram with a message titled, 00:01:10.060 --> 00:01:13.400 Serving, How to Deepen Your Love. We're going 00:01:13.400 --> 00:01:16.879 to learn the five languages of love, and I'm 00:01:16.879 --> 00:01:19.180 going to tell you it'll be the beginning of a 00:01:19.180 --> 00:01:21.920 new day. I'll give you the picture of this is 00:01:21.920 --> 00:01:27.000 how this works. One of my love languages are 00:01:27.000 --> 00:01:30.540 words that affirm, and another love language 00:01:30.540 --> 00:01:33.319 of mine is physical touch. Probably after that 00:01:33.319 --> 00:01:36.719 is quality time, and by God's grace, that's... 00:01:36.989 --> 00:01:39.010 Quality time is probably her number two and my 00:01:39.010 --> 00:01:41.530 number two. And so early in our marriage, I think 00:01:41.530 --> 00:01:44.230 I'm loving my wife. And so I'm telling her, you 00:01:44.230 --> 00:01:47.069 look beautiful. I love you, verbal. I care for 00:01:47.069 --> 00:01:49.790 you. You're wonderful. And by the way, she doesn't 00:01:49.790 --> 00:01:52.549 say that to me. I'm an extrovert. She's an introvert. 00:01:52.609 --> 00:01:54.689 She doesn't say a lot. There's times we get in 00:01:54.689 --> 00:01:57.489 the car and we're driving for 30 minutes. I grew 00:01:57.489 --> 00:02:00.390 up in a family where you didn't take turns. You 00:02:00.390 --> 00:02:03.109 just interrupted one another. She came and visited 00:02:03.109 --> 00:02:05.049 my family, and it was like, these people are 00:02:05.049 --> 00:02:08.430 crazy. She didn't get a word in edgewise. Well, 00:02:08.610 --> 00:02:13.530 we're a verbal family. Hers, I mean, you hear 00:02:13.530 --> 00:02:17.530 a pin drop at supper, you know? And so we're 00:02:17.530 --> 00:02:20.009 driving in the car for like 30 minutes. And so 00:02:20.009 --> 00:02:23.050 being the man and having bizarre thoughts, I 00:02:23.050 --> 00:02:24.710 think, I wonder how long, I'm not going to say 00:02:24.710 --> 00:02:27.009 anything, and see how long it takes her to say 00:02:27.009 --> 00:02:31.120 something to me. You know? Okay, you know? You 00:02:31.120 --> 00:02:34.400 know, it's 10 minutes, 22 minutes. And we're 00:02:34.400 --> 00:02:36.460 getting ready to be where we're supposed to be. 00:02:36.580 --> 00:02:37.879 And, you know, she's looking out the window. 00:02:39.060 --> 00:02:43.460 You know, like that. And then, in the nick of 00:02:43.460 --> 00:02:47.219 time, she says this. I'll never forget it. She 00:02:47.219 --> 00:02:49.900 turns to me and she goes, isn't it wonderful 00:02:49.900 --> 00:02:52.180 just to be with a person that you love and not 00:02:52.180 --> 00:02:56.689 have to say a word? You know? On this drive, 00:02:56.789 --> 00:02:59.909 I've just looked at the hills and the animals, 00:03:00.009 --> 00:03:06.050 and it's been so beautiful. I'm thinking, I'm 00:03:06.050 --> 00:03:09.629 so glad I didn't say something on that one, you 00:03:09.629 --> 00:03:13.770 know. And so I would say things like that, and 00:03:13.770 --> 00:03:17.789 it meant nothing. And on another occasion, I 00:03:17.789 --> 00:03:19.330 thought, you know, I'm working really hard, and 00:03:19.330 --> 00:03:22.210 I wasn't real detail -oriented, to say the least. 00:03:22.780 --> 00:03:25.680 And we're in seminary, and so I go and get some 00:03:25.680 --> 00:03:29.560 flowers for her. You know, I played a lot of 00:03:29.560 --> 00:03:31.479 pickup basketball, and I would lose track of 00:03:31.479 --> 00:03:33.340 time. And I kept coming home late, and we'd always 00:03:33.340 --> 00:03:35.900 argue about it. And I was trying to make up for 00:03:35.900 --> 00:03:39.000 it, you know. So I bring these flowers or something, 00:03:39.080 --> 00:03:42.780 and she, what? She takes them like that. She 00:03:42.780 --> 00:03:46.099 says, what are you doing? Well, you don't like 00:03:46.099 --> 00:03:49.020 flowers? Chip, we only have $10 in our checking 00:03:49.020 --> 00:03:51.280 account. How much do those cost? Just a little 00:03:51.280 --> 00:03:55.699 bit more than $10. So here's what I want you 00:03:55.699 --> 00:03:58.719 to get. I'm trying to express my love in ways 00:03:58.719 --> 00:04:04.120 that are not communicating, all right? And so 00:04:04.120 --> 00:04:07.539 on her side, I mean, we're in marriage counseling, 00:04:07.740 --> 00:04:11.099 okay? We're trying. So she, I mean, cooks these 00:04:11.099 --> 00:04:13.479 great meals and the house is always beautiful. 00:04:13.800 --> 00:04:16.279 And I mean, she takes care of everything. I mean, 00:04:16.319 --> 00:04:20.860 just because one of her love languages is acts 00:04:20.860 --> 00:04:23.850 of service. So she's saying, I love you with 00:04:23.850 --> 00:04:25.889 a great meal. I'm saying, you know what? I'll 00:04:25.889 --> 00:04:28.110 eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Hug me 00:04:28.110 --> 00:04:30.470 like this and say, you're awesome, Chip, and 00:04:30.470 --> 00:04:32.089 you're handsome, and I think you're brilliant, 00:04:32.209 --> 00:04:34.689 and you look so sexy tonight. And, you know, 00:04:34.769 --> 00:04:37.649 there's my love language, right? And, you know, 00:04:37.670 --> 00:04:39.850 oh, the house looks really clean. You know, it 00:04:39.850 --> 00:04:42.870 is a wonderful meal, okay? You know, and so she's 00:04:42.870 --> 00:04:46.189 feeling like I'm rejecting her love. Now, guys, 00:04:46.209 --> 00:04:49.029 I'm going to skip ahead, all right? Because here, 00:04:49.089 --> 00:04:51.740 there's some real breakthroughs. As I learned 00:04:51.740 --> 00:04:55.240 to love her in a way that made sense to her, 00:04:55.379 --> 00:04:59.300 and she learned what my love language was, then 00:04:59.300 --> 00:05:02.339 what happens is you kind of get enough gas in 00:05:02.339 --> 00:05:05.899 the emotional tank to work on those things that 00:05:05.899 --> 00:05:09.180 some of them take a long time. There's fundamentals 00:05:09.180 --> 00:05:11.879 and skills, and you have to practice and practice 00:05:11.879 --> 00:05:13.620 and practice, and then you put it all together. 00:05:13.879 --> 00:05:16.920 It's a process. And you're going to be, you know, 00:05:16.959 --> 00:05:19.459 41 years, I'd like to say, oh, we don't argue. 00:05:19.579 --> 00:05:21.160 We never have any problems, but I'd be a liar. 00:05:21.879 --> 00:05:24.259 Now, we don't have the kind of arguments that 00:05:24.259 --> 00:05:27.139 attack each other. And, you know, after 41 years, 00:05:27.279 --> 00:05:30.480 I know her buttons and she knows mine. And I 00:05:30.480 --> 00:05:33.040 mean, I'm still, my love language is words of 00:05:33.040 --> 00:05:35.600 affirmation. So guess what? I'm super sensitive 00:05:35.600 --> 00:05:37.579 when the tone of her voice is even a little bit 00:05:37.579 --> 00:05:41.160 critical. If it's a 25 cent criticism, in my 00:05:41.160 --> 00:05:43.939 brain, it goes $25. And I can, you know, I've 00:05:43.939 --> 00:05:46.310 learned not to, respond too much, but ooh, it 00:05:46.310 --> 00:05:49.810 kind of hurts. So let's go through the five love 00:05:49.810 --> 00:05:52.170 languages, and then I'm going to give you some 00:05:52.170 --> 00:05:54.990 keys to discover yours. The first love language 00:05:54.990 --> 00:06:01.029 is words of affirmation. Some of us, words are 00:06:01.029 --> 00:06:08.889 super powerful. A compliment. A word of appreciation. 00:06:12.689 --> 00:06:21.930 For some, just saying some words, right? Recognizing 00:06:21.930 --> 00:06:27.269 things about your character. Saying something 00:06:27.269 --> 00:06:30.050 out loud in front of the children where a wife 00:06:30.050 --> 00:06:33.129 says she respects you. Being out in public and 00:06:33.129 --> 00:06:36.069 saying a compliment about your mate. Something 00:06:36.069 --> 00:06:38.670 you admire about them. And I don't mean in some 00:06:38.670 --> 00:06:41.569 phony, artificial way. And some people, you're 00:06:41.569 --> 00:06:44.410 not verbal. And you're married to someone that 00:06:44.410 --> 00:06:47.949 their number one love language is words of affirmation. 00:06:48.110 --> 00:06:50.930 And you know what? They're starving. And you 00:06:50.930 --> 00:06:53.689 go, but I cook great meals. They're starving. 00:06:54.069 --> 00:06:56.410 I gave him a nice gift or I gave her a nice gift. 00:06:56.490 --> 00:06:58.709 They're starving. What they need is words of 00:06:58.709 --> 00:07:02.449 affirmation. So what do you do? You go into training. 00:07:03.240 --> 00:07:06.199 And you come up with devices to become a person 00:07:06.199 --> 00:07:09.040 who shares words of affirmation because love 00:07:09.040 --> 00:07:15.540 is a choice. What is it that allows them to come 00:07:15.540 --> 00:07:18.639 alive? What fills their tank? And then you just 00:07:18.639 --> 00:07:21.600 become a student who says, I'm gonna flat out 00:07:21.600 --> 00:07:25.420 choose to figure out what fills her tank or fills 00:07:25.420 --> 00:07:28.680 his tank and whether it comes naturally or not 00:07:28.680 --> 00:07:31.439 naturally. How in the world can we give more 00:07:31.439 --> 00:07:33.860 energy to our profession, more energy to our 00:07:33.860 --> 00:07:36.939 business than we would to the person that we 00:07:36.939 --> 00:07:40.019 lie in the same bed with and say, I don't know 00:07:40.019 --> 00:07:44.079 what it's gonna take, but I'm gonna learn and 00:07:44.079 --> 00:07:46.139 that I'm gonna do it when it feels good, I'm 00:07:46.139 --> 00:07:47.800 gonna do it when I don't feel anything at all, 00:07:47.860 --> 00:07:50.620 and I'm gonna do it when it feels bad. Because 00:07:50.620 --> 00:07:53.620 that's what love is. That's what real love is, 00:07:53.660 --> 00:07:56.279 because you're gonna serve them. So words of 00:07:56.279 --> 00:07:59.540 affirmation is self -explanatory, but think of, 00:07:59.800 --> 00:08:01.620 Think of all the different things that you can 00:08:01.620 --> 00:08:05.199 say. Sometimes it's asking questions. Tell me 00:08:05.199 --> 00:08:07.620 a little bit more about that. How did that go? 00:08:07.860 --> 00:08:10.600 How did that make you feel? What happened in 00:08:10.600 --> 00:08:13.120 your day today? Wow, that's very interesting. 00:08:13.500 --> 00:08:17.439 That was very insightful. I just, you know, I'm 00:08:17.439 --> 00:08:19.740 amazed at how God has your mind work and you 00:08:19.740 --> 00:08:22.319 process information. You know, I really thought 00:08:22.319 --> 00:08:24.560 the way you interacted with our son after he 00:08:24.560 --> 00:08:26.980 was so disrespectful. Well, I tell you what. 00:08:27.449 --> 00:08:30.810 You're a godly man. I'm honored to be married 00:08:30.810 --> 00:08:35.269 to you. How you responded to your boss or that 00:08:35.269 --> 00:08:38.049 supervisor and the way he treated you. Wow, I'm 00:08:38.049 --> 00:08:40.450 so proud to be your husband or be your wife. 00:08:40.669 --> 00:08:45.549 The second one here is quality time. This is 00:08:45.549 --> 00:08:49.649 just being with one another. For me and Teresa, 00:08:49.909 --> 00:08:53.490 it is our common love language. And I'm guessing 00:08:53.490 --> 00:08:57.490 it's really probably number two. maybe 2 .5 for 00:08:57.490 --> 00:09:02.970 me. But I travel quite a bit, both here and internationally, 00:09:03.210 --> 00:09:06.830 and before have pastored some churches that were 00:09:06.830 --> 00:09:09.429 pretty large, and so a lot of demand. And so 00:09:09.429 --> 00:09:13.450 we, I mean, every Friday we had a date. And just 00:09:13.450 --> 00:09:15.070 because of the age of our kids, I would drop 00:09:15.070 --> 00:09:17.450 them off on Friday morning because I had Saturday 00:09:17.450 --> 00:09:19.649 night and Sunday services. And we just had a 00:09:19.649 --> 00:09:23.129 four -hour block, 25 years. And then what I learned 00:09:23.129 --> 00:09:25.129 was we had to connect because of our communication 00:09:25.129 --> 00:09:28.909 difficulties after supper every night for 10, 00:09:29.029 --> 00:09:31.669 15, sometimes 30 minutes, but we're going to 00:09:31.669 --> 00:09:34.649 connect. And we actually went through a script. 00:09:34.850 --> 00:09:36.649 I mean, it sounds real structured. You know, 00:09:36.690 --> 00:09:38.110 what are you concerned about? What do you wish? 00:09:38.190 --> 00:09:40.370 What are you willing to do? Until we just got 00:09:40.370 --> 00:09:44.210 where every day in supper or right afterwards, 00:09:44.250 --> 00:09:48.049 we would connect at the heart level. But we put 00:09:48.049 --> 00:09:52.659 it in. You're listening to Living on the Edge 00:09:52.659 --> 00:09:55.220 with Chip Ingram. Chip will continue today's 00:09:55.220 --> 00:09:58.240 message in just a moment, so stay with us. If 00:09:58.240 --> 00:10:00.500 today's teaching is resonating with you, there's 00:10:00.500 --> 00:10:02.820 more where this came from. The complete series, 00:10:03.059 --> 00:10:06.559 Choosing Love, is available right now at livingontheedge 00:10:06.559 --> 00:10:10.159 .org. You'll also find study notes, discussion 00:10:10.159 --> 00:10:12.620 questions, and resources to help you go deeper. 00:10:13.039 --> 00:10:16.879 Everything is waiting for you online at livingontheedge 00:10:16.879 --> 00:10:20.840 .org. Well, now let's continue with Chip's message. 00:10:21.740 --> 00:10:26.620 Today, we are early risers and we start most 00:10:26.620 --> 00:10:28.820 days in the wee hours of the morning where we 00:10:28.820 --> 00:10:32.700 get to see the stars. I learned acts of service. 00:10:32.799 --> 00:10:35.460 So 15 years ago, I started making coffee instead 00:10:35.460 --> 00:10:37.840 of her. I'd make it the night before and bring 00:10:37.840 --> 00:10:40.340 her a cup of coffee, sit on the floor and just 00:10:40.340 --> 00:10:43.720 talk. When I get home and we want to reconnect, 00:10:43.879 --> 00:10:45.480 often it'll be, hey, do you need to go to the 00:10:45.480 --> 00:10:47.419 grocery store or Target or anything? Because 00:10:47.419 --> 00:10:48.899 there's just something about when you've been 00:10:48.899 --> 00:10:51.259 away from each other. She hates to grocery shop. 00:10:51.480 --> 00:10:54.759 I mean, to me, Costco's like, whoa, you know? 00:10:55.720 --> 00:10:59.220 But just doing things together or do you need 00:10:59.220 --> 00:11:02.519 to run some errands? Just being together. You 00:11:02.519 --> 00:11:05.120 want to take a walk with the dog and you just 00:11:05.120 --> 00:11:08.440 hang out. And there's something that communicates 00:11:08.440 --> 00:11:11.279 to both of us that we're connected. when we just 00:11:11.279 --> 00:11:14.559 hang out together. And so we do a lot of hanging 00:11:14.559 --> 00:11:16.919 out. And the good news is that's easy for both 00:11:16.919 --> 00:11:21.840 of us. So for me, that acts of service are things 00:11:21.840 --> 00:11:25.620 fixed, are things picked up. Early in our marriage, 00:11:25.659 --> 00:11:28.139 she would work very hard and she would do all 00:11:28.139 --> 00:11:30.340 the laundry and it would be on the bed and stacked, 00:11:30.519 --> 00:11:32.919 you know, t -shirts and this and this and that. 00:11:33.179 --> 00:11:35.299 And so I would walk in being very busy and I 00:11:35.299 --> 00:11:36.600 would take all of them off the bed when it's 00:11:36.600 --> 00:11:38.179 time to go to bed and put them on the dresser. 00:11:39.750 --> 00:11:41.350 And they might be on the dresser for three or 00:11:41.350 --> 00:11:44.009 four days. And she would just look at me like, 00:11:44.210 --> 00:11:48.389 don't you love me? And I mean, you gotta understand, 00:11:48.490 --> 00:11:51.330 when you're as warped as I am, what do you mean, 00:11:51.389 --> 00:11:55.509 don't I love you? Well, there's all the clothes 00:11:55.509 --> 00:11:57.309 that I made and spent all that time to serve 00:11:57.309 --> 00:12:00.409 and love you on the dresser. And you know, forgive 00:12:00.409 --> 00:12:03.470 me, ladies, but I'm so hard -headed. What in 00:12:03.470 --> 00:12:05.649 the world does clothes on the bed got to do with 00:12:05.649 --> 00:12:08.870 love? Love's about kissing. Right? You know, 00:12:08.870 --> 00:12:17.129 love was like, in my brain, fixing the disposal 00:12:17.129 --> 00:12:20.870 and the washing machine leaks. What's love got 00:12:20.870 --> 00:12:27.610 to do with it? Got to do with it. And you know 00:12:27.610 --> 00:12:30.590 what I learned? I literally had to write these 00:12:30.590 --> 00:12:33.210 things on cards. And every time I build a habit, 00:12:33.289 --> 00:12:36.289 as soon as I see it, I put it away. As soon as 00:12:36.289 --> 00:12:38.809 I see it, I put it away. When I walk by the trash 00:12:38.809 --> 00:12:42.009 can each and every day, I look in there and she'll 00:12:42.009 --> 00:12:45.669 say, well, almost every day. But I, you know, 00:12:45.730 --> 00:12:49.429 it's, you know, because what I've learned, that 00:12:49.429 --> 00:12:52.629 means I love you. And I resisted and I didn't 00:12:52.629 --> 00:12:54.690 like it and it was ticked off and it didn't make 00:12:54.690 --> 00:12:57.049 sense. And then finally I thought, Chip, do you 00:12:57.049 --> 00:13:00.250 love your wife or not? Answer, yes. Well, if 00:13:00.250 --> 00:13:01.710 that means I love you to her, why don't you just 00:13:01.710 --> 00:13:04.850 shut up and do it? And so I just started shutting 00:13:04.850 --> 00:13:08.509 up and doing it. And then she has very sacrificially 00:13:08.509 --> 00:13:12.190 learned to talk and give words of affirmation 00:13:12.190 --> 00:13:15.789 and encouragement. And she would probably say, 00:13:15.929 --> 00:13:20.250 yes, he's verbal. We've had conversations where, 00:13:20.370 --> 00:13:26.480 oh my gosh. She's almost afraid. So what are 00:13:26.480 --> 00:13:28.120 you learning right now? Oh, I got to tell you. 00:13:29.159 --> 00:13:32.340 I don't want to hear it. She goes, I don't want 00:13:32.340 --> 00:13:35.600 the whole sermon right now. Let me get it later. 00:13:35.820 --> 00:13:38.480 Or what's going on with you? Or what happened 00:13:38.480 --> 00:13:41.139 when you were in China? Whatever. And I have 00:13:41.139 --> 00:13:44.580 to learn to, I'm still learning. But she listens. 00:13:44.820 --> 00:13:49.019 She asks questions. She gives me words of affirmation. 00:13:49.740 --> 00:13:53.279 And it fills my tank. And I'm learning to fill 00:13:53.279 --> 00:13:57.720 her tank. Words of affirmation. Quality time. 00:13:58.720 --> 00:14:01.860 You drink coffee. You take walks. You go to coffee 00:14:01.860 --> 00:14:06.159 shops. Yes, you actually walk around those little 00:14:06.159 --> 00:14:09.759 shops, you know. And then at times sit on the 00:14:09.759 --> 00:14:11.299 bench outside and say, I'll just be here. Why 00:14:11.299 --> 00:14:14.720 don't you take your time in there? But you go. 00:14:16.019 --> 00:14:20.279 The third is receiving gifts. Some people, that's 00:14:20.279 --> 00:14:22.940 their love language. And they don't have to be 00:14:22.940 --> 00:14:26.919 expensive. But, you know, you make something 00:14:26.919 --> 00:14:32.779 for them. Or sometimes they are expensive. And 00:14:32.779 --> 00:14:34.840 see, by the way, now here's where conflict comes. 00:14:34.980 --> 00:14:40.500 Some of us, by nature, are spenders and some 00:14:40.500 --> 00:14:43.700 of us are savers. Some of us, when we see money 00:14:43.700 --> 00:14:45.720 and the way we think about money, we think about 00:14:45.720 --> 00:14:48.559 saving and investing and that's a good use of 00:14:48.559 --> 00:14:51.019 money. And other people think this is money and 00:14:51.019 --> 00:14:53.360 what you do is you spend it to love people and 00:14:53.360 --> 00:14:55.460 do wonderful things. When those two people get 00:14:55.460 --> 00:14:58.299 married, there's a little conflict. And if they 00:14:58.299 --> 00:15:00.960 can, you learn to communicate, it's a blessing 00:15:00.960 --> 00:15:04.159 because having money stacked up that make you 00:15:04.159 --> 00:15:07.200 feel secure somehow, and not enjoying the good 00:15:07.200 --> 00:15:09.639 gifts God's given is not very smart, or spending 00:15:09.639 --> 00:15:11.899 more than you actually have is not very smart 00:15:11.899 --> 00:15:15.840 either. But in this whole issue of gifts, some 00:15:15.840 --> 00:15:18.159 people love surprises, some people hate surprises. 00:15:18.480 --> 00:15:20.940 Some people are surprised what the gift is like, 00:15:21.059 --> 00:15:23.379 but it can be the gift of, I was actually talking 00:15:23.379 --> 00:15:26.620 with someone earlier and he was saying, you know, 00:15:26.659 --> 00:15:31.519 Valentine's Day, I got a card in my lunch. Then 00:15:31.519 --> 00:15:34.460 I got a card, like his wife. Little gifts, three 00:15:34.460 --> 00:15:37.519 little cards that said, you matter, I'm thinking 00:15:37.519 --> 00:15:40.200 of you, I value you. The gift of a phone call, 00:15:40.340 --> 00:15:43.120 the gift of a text, I'm thinking about you today. 00:15:43.600 --> 00:15:45.639 You know, I was at this little store and I know 00:15:45.639 --> 00:15:47.919 it's really crazy, but I know you collect those 00:15:47.919 --> 00:15:50.139 cups from different cities and I saw this as 00:15:50.139 --> 00:15:52.519 I was traveling and when I come home, I got it 00:15:52.519 --> 00:15:55.320 for you. You know, my wife likes pink, so sometimes 00:15:55.320 --> 00:15:57.580 when I'm traveling around and I'm not always 00:15:57.580 --> 00:16:00.210 sure about... I'm not the artist type, but maybe 00:16:00.210 --> 00:16:03.509 it looks like it might fit her. I'm not very 00:16:03.509 --> 00:16:05.570 good at picking it out, but I'll just bring her 00:16:05.570 --> 00:16:08.490 something. That's not real high on her list, 00:16:08.669 --> 00:16:12.029 but ask yourself, is that when you feel special? 00:16:12.289 --> 00:16:14.690 Often, so much of this grew out of when you were 00:16:14.690 --> 00:16:17.570 a kid and your family and how they celebrated 00:16:17.570 --> 00:16:22.629 you. Ask yourself. Words of affirmation, quality 00:16:22.629 --> 00:16:26.830 time, receiving gifts, acts of service. I mean, 00:16:26.850 --> 00:16:30.820 it's... It's helping out. It's working in the 00:16:30.820 --> 00:16:34.360 yard together. It's taking care of things. It's 00:16:34.360 --> 00:16:37.379 making sure they're fixed. For some of you, that 00:16:37.379 --> 00:16:39.460 comes really naturally. And by the way, here's 00:16:39.460 --> 00:16:42.960 the thing. The unconscious thing most of us do 00:16:42.960 --> 00:16:46.659 is whatever our love language is, we express 00:16:46.659 --> 00:16:49.919 that to our mate because since it is loving to 00:16:49.919 --> 00:16:53.340 us, we assume it's to them. And rarely is it 00:16:53.340 --> 00:16:57.799 the same. The final one here is physical touch. 00:16:58.399 --> 00:17:01.340 And most men rank that pretty high. Don't confuse 00:17:01.340 --> 00:17:05.720 that completely with sexual intercourse. I don't 00:17:05.720 --> 00:17:08.339 know that I've met many men ever who've told 00:17:08.339 --> 00:17:12.460 me most women probably have no idea how deeply 00:17:12.460 --> 00:17:14.940 affirming a man feels when his wife wants to 00:17:14.940 --> 00:17:17.000 be with him and really expresses her love sexually. 00:17:17.740 --> 00:17:20.720 It just is the way it is. But physical touch 00:17:20.720 --> 00:17:23.259 is far more than that. That can be a squeezing 00:17:23.259 --> 00:17:25.960 of the hand. It might be when you're sitting. 00:17:26.589 --> 00:17:29.190 You know, you sit close to them. It might be 00:17:29.190 --> 00:17:31.109 a tap on the shoulder when you pour a cup of 00:17:31.109 --> 00:17:33.809 coffee. It might be, you know, when you're sitting, 00:17:33.910 --> 00:17:36.849 you know, I've seen, you know, someone rub someone's 00:17:36.849 --> 00:17:39.529 hair. But there's people that, you know, our 00:17:39.529 --> 00:17:41.890 whole bodies are made to be touched. And there's 00:17:41.890 --> 00:17:44.089 something about, I mean, think of what happens 00:17:44.089 --> 00:17:45.849 in a crisis. What's the first thing that people 00:17:45.849 --> 00:17:47.950 do in the middle of a crisis when they see one 00:17:47.950 --> 00:17:52.910 another? They hug, right? So here's what I want 00:17:52.910 --> 00:17:57.420 you to do. I want you to write down. what you 00:17:57.420 --> 00:18:00.500 think your top two love languages are. And let 00:18:00.500 --> 00:18:05.579 me give you two ways. For many of you, it's like 00:18:05.579 --> 00:18:08.900 you know right now. But here's one way. What 00:18:08.900 --> 00:18:12.599 bothers you the most? What really bothers you 00:18:12.599 --> 00:18:16.059 the most? Like if, how come he didn't notice 00:18:16.059 --> 00:18:18.740 I did all the dishes? How come she didn't notice 00:18:18.740 --> 00:18:20.700 I cut the lawn, I fixed this, I did this, I did 00:18:20.700 --> 00:18:23.619 this? Or how come... I mean, she didn't even 00:18:23.619 --> 00:18:25.839 say thanks. There were no words. If it really 00:18:25.839 --> 00:18:27.900 bothers you, that's a good indicator it's your 00:18:27.900 --> 00:18:31.180 love language. The other one is, what do you 00:18:31.180 --> 00:18:34.559 ask for the most? I mean, when you're getting 00:18:34.559 --> 00:18:37.279 really honest and you're saying, hey, at some 00:18:37.279 --> 00:18:40.940 point in time, what says I love you to you? What 00:18:40.940 --> 00:18:43.259 are you asking for? What do you want from your 00:18:43.259 --> 00:18:46.920 mate the most? That is probably your number one 00:18:46.920 --> 00:18:50.420 love language. I mean, listen carefully. unconsciously 00:18:50.420 --> 00:18:53.400 what we do is we all have challenges in our marriage. 00:18:53.640 --> 00:18:56.019 And okay, it's a problem. And he does this or 00:18:56.019 --> 00:18:58.279 that, she does that. And she doesn't do this 00:18:58.279 --> 00:18:59.660 or he doesn't do this. And it really bothers 00:18:59.660 --> 00:19:01.759 you. And you keep looking at that and you focus 00:19:01.759 --> 00:19:03.599 on that and focus on that, focus on it. You know 00:19:03.599 --> 00:19:05.579 what you start doing? You start looking at your 00:19:05.579 --> 00:19:07.660 relationship through that lens. And then pretty 00:19:07.660 --> 00:19:10.259 soon, if this isn't a good marriage and I don't 00:19:10.259 --> 00:19:12.200 really like this and you become very, very negative. 00:19:12.420 --> 00:19:14.359 And the fact of the matter is if you would pull 00:19:14.359 --> 00:19:18.009 that way back, you have really in general, a 00:19:18.009 --> 00:19:20.109 really good marriage with lots of normal problems. 00:19:20.849 --> 00:19:24.230 And here's the thing. If you focus on that little 00:19:24.230 --> 00:19:28.069 10 or 20 % that's negative, it will grow. If 00:19:28.069 --> 00:19:33.029 you begin to fill up your mate's need for love 00:19:33.029 --> 00:19:35.390 in the language that makes sense to them, I will 00:19:35.390 --> 00:19:36.809 tell you what, this thing will keep shrinking 00:19:36.809 --> 00:19:39.250 and shrinking and shrinking and shrinking. And 00:19:39.250 --> 00:19:40.769 then there are some things, we're going to talk 00:19:40.769 --> 00:19:43.490 about how you really deal with, but you'll have 00:19:43.490 --> 00:19:47.660 capacity. You have some capacity to deal with 00:19:47.660 --> 00:19:50.299 it in a way that isn't critical and it's not 00:19:50.299 --> 00:19:53.619 make or break. The biggest thing I see with couples 00:19:53.619 --> 00:19:56.339 is you think you have these problems that are 00:19:56.339 --> 00:19:59.259 insurmountable and you've fallen out of love 00:19:59.259 --> 00:20:02.500 and there's no hope or you're on the edge when 00:20:02.500 --> 00:20:04.579 what you don't realize is you're just on the 00:20:04.579 --> 00:20:06.640 25 -yard line. You just need to make a couple 00:20:06.640 --> 00:20:09.480 more first downs. And believe me, there's a great 00:20:09.480 --> 00:20:12.180 future ahead of you, but you got to make a couple 00:20:12.180 --> 00:20:15.500 first downs. We can't do this, Lord, without 00:20:15.500 --> 00:20:19.980 you. Fill us with your spirit. Fill us with your 00:20:19.980 --> 00:20:23.920 power. Lord, help us to choose to love when we 00:20:23.920 --> 00:20:26.940 don't feel like it. That's probably when we love 00:20:26.940 --> 00:21:06.809 the most. Get your copy of I Choose Love at livingontheedge 00:21:06.809 --> 00:21:10.019 .org. You know, it's encouraging to know that 00:21:10.019 --> 00:21:12.380 marriages across the country are being transformed 00:21:12.380 --> 00:21:15.160 as couples learn to communicate love effectively. 00:21:15.480 --> 00:21:18.180 Through Living on the Edge, husbands and wives 00:21:18.180 --> 00:21:20.720 are discovering practical biblical truth that 00:21:20.720 --> 00:21:23.839 rebuilds intimacy and restores passion. Your 00:21:23.839 --> 00:21:26.559 partnership fuels this ministry. When you give 00:21:26.559 --> 00:21:28.819 to Living on the Edge, you're investing in marriages 00:21:28.819 --> 00:21:31.480 that were on the brink, families that need hope, 00:21:31.599 --> 00:21:34.019 and the next generation watching their parents' 00:21:34.119 --> 00:21:37.220 example. Will you help? We've made it easy to 00:21:37.220 --> 00:21:40.359 give online. Just go to living on the edge .org 00:21:40.359 --> 00:21:43.359 or write to us through the mail at living on 00:21:43.359 --> 00:21:48.059 the edge. Post Office Box 3007, Atlanta, Georgia, 00:21:48.240 --> 00:21:52.299 30024. You can also call us and give over the 00:21:52.299 --> 00:21:57.779 phone. Just dial 888 -333 -6003. And by the way, 00:21:57.839 --> 00:22:00.079 full sermons are now available on the Living 00:22:00.079 --> 00:22:02.740 on the Edge podcast with a new feature called 00:22:02.740 --> 00:22:05.900 the Chip Ingram Sermon Podcast. You'll find these 00:22:05.900 --> 00:22:08.839 episodes right alongside our regular broadcasts 00:22:08.839 --> 00:22:11.700 on your podcast app. Well, now here's Chip with 00:22:11.700 --> 00:22:14.890 more on serving. As we wrap up today's program, 00:22:15.210 --> 00:22:17.769 I want to give you just a little bit of mentoring 00:22:17.769 --> 00:22:20.650 or coaching on how to put this into practice. 00:22:20.890 --> 00:22:25.109 By way of review, serving our mate is the way 00:22:25.109 --> 00:22:28.220 we express unconditional love. But then how do 00:22:28.220 --> 00:22:30.160 you serve them in a way that makes sense to them? 00:22:30.359 --> 00:22:33.420 I ask you near the end of this message to just 00:22:33.420 --> 00:22:37.180 write down two or three behaviors, things specifically 00:22:37.180 --> 00:22:39.980 that you know makes your mate feel loved. And 00:22:39.980 --> 00:22:41.819 if you're not sure what they are, just go ahead 00:22:41.819 --> 00:22:44.279 and ask them. At times I've asked Teresa, just 00:22:44.279 --> 00:22:46.519 write down. This may not sound romantic. Write 00:22:46.519 --> 00:22:49.259 down two or three things that when I do these 00:22:49.259 --> 00:22:52.279 things, you really feel loved. And guys, by the 00:22:52.279 --> 00:22:54.759 way, it might be taking out the garbage or helping 00:22:54.759 --> 00:22:57.099 with the vacuuming or something. you're thinking, 00:22:57.160 --> 00:22:59.039 you got to be kidding me. Well, here's the good 00:22:59.039 --> 00:23:02.259 news. Let them write it down and just choose 00:23:02.259 --> 00:23:06.059 to do it because people need to be loved in a 00:23:06.059 --> 00:23:08.460 way that makes sense to them. The second thing 00:23:08.460 --> 00:23:11.440 I talked about was learning your mate's top two 00:23:11.440 --> 00:23:14.779 love languages. I get this from the book Love 00:23:14.779 --> 00:23:18.000 Languages by Gary Chapman, and the five languages 00:23:18.000 --> 00:23:21.720 are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving 00:23:21.720 --> 00:23:25.720 gifts. acts of service and physical touch. And 00:23:25.720 --> 00:23:28.799 the only point here is this, is that we tend 00:23:28.799 --> 00:23:31.740 to give love in the way that it's meaningful 00:23:31.740 --> 00:23:35.440 to us. In other words, mine are words of affirmation 00:23:35.440 --> 00:23:38.680 and physical affection. Well, I thought, well, 00:23:38.740 --> 00:23:40.740 if I give that to Teresa, she's going to really 00:23:40.740 --> 00:23:44.319 feel loved. What I didn't realize was that's 00:23:44.319 --> 00:23:47.400 not her love language. Her number one love language 00:23:47.400 --> 00:23:50.640 is acts of service. So what I want you to do 00:23:50.640 --> 00:23:53.619 is just look at those five things. You can even 00:23:53.619 --> 00:23:55.519 check out the notes. We've got them right there. 00:23:55.680 --> 00:24:00.019 And then begin this week to love your mate in 00:24:00.019 --> 00:24:03.079 the language that makes sense to them. I found 00:24:03.079 --> 00:24:05.720 when I began to do acts of service around the 00:24:05.720 --> 00:24:08.839 house, cleaning up things, helping out with things, 00:24:08.960 --> 00:24:11.519 seeing what needed to be fixed, my wife started 00:24:11.519 --> 00:24:14.359 to feel very, very loved. When I had been telling 00:24:14.359 --> 00:24:17.299 her, I love you, and I'm for you, and I did all 00:24:17.299 --> 00:24:19.759 these what I thought were romantic things, and 00:24:19.759 --> 00:24:22.960 they were like BBs off of a tank. Let me encourage 00:24:22.960 --> 00:24:26.299 you. It may not sound sexy or life -changing. 00:24:27.119 --> 00:24:30.220 But isn't it interesting that the very last thing 00:24:30.220 --> 00:24:35.000 Jesus did, he served his disciples. And at the 00:24:35.000 --> 00:24:38.960 end of the day, when we follow his example, that's 00:24:38.960 --> 00:24:41.420 how you keep love alive in your marriage. Let's 00:24:41.420 --> 00:24:44.019 do that this week. How do you strengthen hope 00:24:44.019 --> 00:24:46.400 in your marriage for the future? Well, I'm Dave 00:24:46.400 --> 00:24:48.900 Drewy. Join us as Chip Ingram shows how planning 00:24:48.900 --> 00:24:52.019 deepens love. Tomorrow on Living on the Edge. 00:24:55.079 --> 00:24:57.500 Today's program is produced and sponsored by 00:24:57.500 --> 00:24:58.680 Living on the Edge.