Today on Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.
How do you keep love in marriage alive? I mean
the glow after the honeymoon wears off, where
life settles into those routines and daily demands.
How do you build a marriage that is fresh and
really last? That's today. Stay with me. The
honeymoon is over. The romance has faded. You're
grinding through routines and wondering if this
is all there is. Sound familiar? Today on Living
on the Edge, Chip Ingram shows us how Jesus modeled
the kind of love that keeps marriages alive.
In John chapter 13, Jesus did something shocking
the night before his crucifixion. He washed his
disciples' feet. And in that act, he revealed
the secret to deepening love in any relationship.
It's not about feelings. It's about choosing
to serve when you don't feel like it. Through
practical biblical principles, Chip will show
you how to communicate love in ways your spouse
actually receives. Well, here's Chip. The overarching
theme is how to keep love alive. And I'm going
to talk about four biblical practices that great
marriages have in common. One book that if you
haven't read, it is so worth it. And I'll be
talking a little bit more about it later is the
five languages of love. And in the introduction,
Gary Chapman talks about being on a plane and
he sits next to a guy and one thing comes to
another and he says, what do you do for a living?
He goes, well, I'm a marriage counseling and
I do seminars and I write books on marriage.
He said, well, this is my lucky day. And he said,
you know, I love it like you're in love, but
does anyone ever keep love alive? I mean, is
it possible? I mean, do people just say, I guess
marriages are mostly empty and you just grind
it out? He said, is there any way to keep love
alive? And of course, Gary Chapman in his book
talks about that in love, euphoric, over the
top dissipates. But the need to feel loved never
goes away. And you and I are living in a day
and in a culture that basically says the in love
feeling is what marriage and relationship is
all about. And if you don't have that all the
time, you probably married the wrong person or
you, right? We fall in love, we fall out of love.
And so what you need to do is find the next person,
which then you look at the statistics and it
doesn't work. And the next one after that doesn't
work. And it's chaos. And I want to go to maybe
an unusual place. You can open your Bibles. I
want to read a passage. It's Ephesians chapter
5. And normally what we do is we talk all about,
you know, it talks about what a woman should
do and be. And then it talks about what a man
should do and be. And then it has this little
line at the end that says, oh, but this is really
about the mystery of Christ in the church. Follow
along. Ephesians 5. I'll pick it up at verse
25. Husbands. I mean, you talk about a hard assignment.
Love your wives, how? Just as Christ also loved
the church. Well, how did he do that? And gave
himself up for her. Why? So he might sanctify
her, set her apart, having cleansed her by the
washing of the water with the word. Well, why?
That he might present to himself the church in
all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any
such thing, but that she would be holy and blameless.
parallel. So husbands ought to love their own
wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own
wife loves himself, for no one ever hated his
own flesh, but nourishes it and cherishes it,
just as Christ also does the church, because
we are members of his body. And then he goes
back and reaches into Genesis, that classic passage,
for this reason a man shall leave his father
and mother. and shall be joined to his wife,
and the two shall become one flesh. Look at verse
32. This mystery is great, but I'm speaking with
reference to Christ and the church. In other
words, there's this model of marriage that's
a love relationship between Jesus and his church.
And then he kind of brings it back down to everyday
life. Nevertheless, Each individual among you
must also love his own wife, even as himself,
and his wife must also see to it that she respects
and honors her husband. And I was thinking and
praying and asking God, you know, Lord, what
do you want to say to this group of people? And
that passage kept going over and over and over.
And what I realized is very rarely do we take
how Jesus loves the church and use that as our
model for how we're to love one another. marriage.
And so what I want you to do now is to open to
John chapter 13. And this is a time where the
disciples are being told to go prepare the last
supper. They don't know it's the last supper.
It's just Passover. They're Jewish boys. It's
a very important moment. They're going to reenact
that moment where God delivered his people and
the blood was put on the doorpost and the lamb
is going to be killed. And all these things are
going to happen. And Jesus has been telling them
for some time now that the religious leaders
are going to kill him. And he sends them on ahead.
And now imagine, the parallel is going to come.
You can look at your notes and you can sort of
look ahead. But what I want you to get is the
context and where Jesus was. He sends them on
ahead and they get to this upper room. And when
they get to the upper room, we learn the commentary
is from one of the other gospels on the way there,
what they were discussing. Does anybody remember?
Who was the greatest? I mean, after three years
and you're going to hand over the ministry to
save the world to a group of guys that have been
with you. They've seen you raise people from
the dead. They've seen you. Feed 5 ,000, 4 ,000.
They've seen you walk on water. They've heard
all your sermons and all your messages. And you
got like 24 hours with them. And their big argument
is, we know he's leaving. And so who's going
to be the top dog now? I mean, who's going to
get so many stars or stripes, right? So they
walk in and I think the Lord. created this little
test for them. And when you would walk the dusty
streets, everyone wore sandals. And when you
would walk in a room, there would be a large
jar and then probably the lowliest servant in
the household would be there. And when you came
in, they would wash your feet off and towel them
dry. So all 12 of them walk in and no one humbles
himself because I'm better than that. This is
about me. It's about... I'm more important than
that. That job's too lowly. In other words, they're
here the last night and their passion and their
focus is my needs about me and my role and what
I need and who ought to serve me. Is there like
a remote sense that any of us have felt that
way in your marriage? So let's find out how does
he respond? John chapter 13. Pick it up at verse
one. Now, before the feast of the Passover, don't
miss this. Jesus, knowing that his hour had come
and that he would depart out of this world to
his father and having loved his own who were
in the world, he loved them to the end. In other
words, this is gonna be one of his greatest acts
of love. During the supper, the devil had already
come into the heart of Judas Iscariot, the son
of Simon, to betray him. Jesus, knowing the father
had given all things to his hands and that he
had come forth from the father and was going
back to God, got up from supper, laid aside his
garments, taking a towel, he wrapped it around
or girded himself. He poured water into a basin
and he began to wash the disciples' feet and
to wipe them with the towel which he was girded
around his waist. Then he came to Simon Peter
and he said, Lord, do you wash my feet? Jesus
answered and said to him, what I do, you do not
realize now, but you will understand hereafter.
Peter said to him, never shall you wash my feet.
And Jesus answered, if I do not wash your feet,
you have no part with me. And then Simon Peter
said, Lord, then wash not only my feet, but also
my hands and my head. And Jesus said to him,
he who has bathed needs only to wash his feet.
but is completely clean, and you are clean, but
not all of you. For he knew the one betraying
him, and for this reason he said, not all of
you are clean. So when he had washed their feet,
taken his garment, reclined at the table again,
he said to them, do you know what I have done
to you? You call me teacher and Lord, and you
are right, for so I am. If I then, the teacher,
and the Lord washed your feet, you also ought
to wash one another's feet. I gave you an example
that you also should do as I did to you. And
then we get this moment. Truly, truly, I say
to you, a slave is not greater than his master,
nor is the one who is sent greater than the one
who sent him. If you know these things, you are
blessed if you do them. Let me skip over because
he's now gonna, talk about his going and Judas
is going to get up. And at the end of this supper,
if you skip all the way to verse 34, he says
to them, 33 for context, little children, I'm
with you a little while longer. You'll seek me,
as I said to the Jews. Now I say to you, where
I'm going, you cannot come. A new commandment
I give to you, that you love one another even
as I have loved you. that you also should love
one another. How did he just love them? He served
them. Who deserved to be the head and who chose
to be the servant? Who should have been offended
and who chose to humble himself? who knew, was
secure enough to know where he came from and
where he was going and didn't have to have their
approval. And so being secure and knowing his
role, he could love them and he's going to love
them to the end. And now what he says to them,
this new commandment, I don't want you just to
love. I want you to love each other the way I
loved you. Now look at verse 35 in your Bible.
Notice the impact. By this, all men will know
that you are my disciples. Why? By how you love
one another. Because you love one another the
way I love you. That's the teaching of Jesus.
His motive, what was his motive in serving him?
Love. His action, he washes their feet. Did you
notice that just because you love someone, it
doesn't always work? That some of them accepted
it readily and some of them couldn't accept it.
Why couldn't Peter accept it? Some people are
very uncomfortable receiving. Some people from
family of origins believe down deep in their
heart, almost below the conscious level, I'm
unworthy, I'm unlovable. And when you seek to
love them and care for them and speak words of
life, it's like BBs off of a tank. Here's a hard
time in marriage. When you're trying your very,
very best, right? And you're thinking you're
really loving the other person and you're trying
really hard and it gets worse instead of better.
That's when you have these really scary moments
like, I don't think this can ever work. I don't
think this can ever work. And I want you to know
there's hope, and it can. And we're going to
learn from this passage the beginning of how
to restore your passion. You're listening to
Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Chip will
continue today's message in just a moment, so
stay with us. If today's teaching is resonating
with you, there's more where this came from.
The complete series, Choosing Love, is available
right now at livingontheedge .org. You'll also
find study notes, discussion questions, and resources
to help you go deeper. Everything is waiting
for you online at livingontheedge .org. Well,
now let's continue with Chip's message. The principles
out of this passage to identify, to deepen your
love, number one is love is not a feeling. Jot
that down. Love is not a feeling. Romantic, emotional
feelings are good. Just don't confuse them with
love. Definition of love, I've kind of just taken
what the scriptures teach and packaged it together.
Love is giving another person what they need
the most. when they deserve it the least at great
personal cost. And if you would just pause for
a moment and think in your mind, what happened
at the cross? What did God the Son do? He gave
us what we needed the most, forgiveness. When
we deserved it the least, we were his enemies.
We were hostile to him at great personal cost.
And what did the Father do? He gave the Son.
And that's our model. And by the way, it's...
It's the supernatural power of God in us to do
that. I can't do that on my own and you can't
do that on your own. Notice also, love is serving.
And if you redefine love in your marriage, it's
putting the needs of your mate above your own.
You might jot down Philippians chapter two, verses
three and four. Paul is talking about what it
really looks like to love and he says, do nothing
from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility
of mind, consider others more important than
yourself. Do not look only on your own interests,
but also on the interests of others. Third principle
here is that love must be received. Ask yourself,
sometimes when you're hurt and you're resentful
of your mate and they try and do something kind,
what do you do? You want to make them pay, right?
I'm not going to receive it right now. You know,
they try and be a little affectionate or they
say something kind. I'm not ready to make up
right now. I'm going to twist that old knife,
you know. I read the passage, the two become
one. There's no such thing as a winner and a
loser. It's either win -win or lose -lose. Every
interaction, every conversation, every fight,
every disagreement, every big issue, it's either
a win -win or it's a lose -lose. Man, you can
feel better for like 15 minutes, like, I got
my way, or she better do that, or he's finally,
and guess what? One of them, when resentment
or hurt or woundedness happens in one person
because the other, quote, thinks they won, I'll
tell you what, you just so exceed the discord.
Believe me, it'll pop up later. And so, Well,
then how do you do this? Did you notice even
that love is unconditional? You might jot that
down. So then what are the practical implications?
Practical implication number one is that love
is a choice. It's not insincere to do actions
and say words of kindness and serve and help
your mate when you don't feel like it. Love is
a choice. Don't confuse that with giving the
person their way all the time, but I mean serving
and loving and caring. It's a choice. Second
implication is love meets the needs of the one
loved. You know, Jesus could have come in and
just not even noticed that their feet were dirty.
So you gotta love people in a way that makes
sense to them. You have to observe what are the
needs, what's going on in their life. That was
my biggest, biggest challenge in our marriage
was I was loving my wife in ways that it was
like I spoke German and she spoke French and
I was trying hard and she was trying hard. And
I mean, we were just completely missing each
other. And it was so frustrating. Another implication
is love requires extreme humility and security.
Did you notice? I mean, This is God the Son humbling
himself, bending down, washing feet. The tool
for transformation I want to give you is we're
going to learn the five languages of love, and
I'm going to tell you it'll be the beginning
of a new day. I'll give you the picture of this
is how this works. So one of my love languages
are words that affirm. And another love language
of mine is physical touch. And probably after
that is quality time. And by God's grace, that's
quality time is probably her number two and my
number two. And so early in our marriage, I think
I'm loving my wife. And so I'm telling her, you
look beautiful. I love you, verbal. I care for
you. You're wonderful. And by the way, she doesn't
say that to me. I'm an extrovert. She's an introvert.
She doesn't say a lot. There's times we get in
the car and we're driving for 30 minutes. I grew
up in a family where you didn't take turns, you
just interrupted one another. She came and visited
my family, and it was like, these people are
crazy. She didn't get a word in edgewise. Well,
we're a verbal family. Hers, I mean, you hear
a pin drop at supper, you know? And so we're
driving in the car for like 30 minutes. And so
being the man and having bizarre thoughts, I
think, I wonder how long, I'm not going to say
anything and see how long it takes her to say
something to me. You know, so, okay, you know,
and, you know, it's 10 minutes, 22 minutes. And
we're getting ready to be where we're supposed
to be. And, you know, she's looking out the window.
You know, like that. And then, in the nick of
time, she says this. I'll never forget it. She
turns to me and she goes, isn't it wonderful
just to be with a person that you love and not
have to say a word? You know, on this drive,
I've just looked at the hills and the animals,
and it's been so beautiful. Thank you. I'm so
glad I didn't say something on that one, you
know. And so I would say things like that, and
it meant nothing. And on another occasion, I
thought, you know, I'm working really hard, and
I wasn't real detail -oriented, to say the least.
And we're in seminary, and so I go and get some
flowers for her, you know. I played a lot of
pickup basketball, and I would lose track of
time, and I kept coming home late, and we'd always
argue about it. I was trying to make up for it,
you know, so I bring these flowers or something,
and she, what? She takes more like that. She
goes, what are you doing? Well, you don't like
flowers? Chip, we only have $10 in our checking
account. How much do those cost? Just a little
bit more than $10. So here's what I want you
to get. I'm trying to express my love in ways
that are not communicating, all right? And so
on her side, she, I mean, we're in marriage counseling,
okay? We're trying. So she, I mean, cooks these
great meals and the house is always beautiful.
And I mean, she takes care of everything. I mean,
just because one of her love languages is acts
of service. So she's saying, I love you with
a great meal. I'm saying, you know what? I'll
eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Hug me
like this and say, you're awesome, Chip, and
you're handsome, and I think you're brilliant,
and you look so sexy tonight, and you know, there's
my love language, right? And you know, oh, the
house looks really clean. You know, it is a wonderful
meal, okay? You know, and so she's feeling like
I'm rejecting her love. Now, guys, I'm going
to skip ahead, all right? Because here, there's
some real breakthroughs. As I learned to love
her in a way that made sense to her, and she
learned what my love language was, then what
happens is you kind of get enough gas in the
emotional tank to work on those things that some
of them take a long time. There's fundamentals
and skills, and you have to practice and practice
and practice, and then you put it all together.
It's a process. You're listening to Living on
the Edge with Chip Ingram and powerful teaching
about serving your way to deeper love in marriage.
Chip will share more thoughts in just a moment.
To revisit or share this message, head on over
to livingontheedge .org. If today's teaching
stirred your heart about learning to love through
serving, you need Chip's book, I Choose Love.
This timely resource unpacks the revolutionary
truth that love isn't something that happens
to you. It's something you choose to do. Chip
shows how Agape Love transforms marriages by
giving what's needed most when it's deserved
least at great personal cost. You'll discover
practical ways to speak your spouse's love language
and serve in ways that actually connect. Order
your copy of I Choose Love by going online to
livingontheedge .org. It's exciting to think
how marriages are being restored through the
biblical teaching of Living on the Edge. This
ministry reaches families worldwide with practical
truth that rebuilds relationships. And your partnership
makes this impact possible. When you support
Living on the Edge, you're investing in marriages,
families, and the next generation. Would you
join us? To give, visit livingontheedge .org
or mail your gift to Living on the Edge, P .O.
Box 3007, Atlanta, Georgia. You can also call
888 -333 -6003. Also check out our new feature
on the Living on the Edge podcast. We call it
the Chip Ingram Sermon Podcast, presenting each
of Chip's sermons unedited from beginning to
end. Just subscribe to the Living on the Edge
podcast. Well, now here's Chip with some final
thoughts. As we wrap up the first program of
the series, I hope you heard a few things that
you begin to think to yourself, oh, that's how
Jesus did it. Jesus connected. Jesus really loved
in John chapter 13. What are some things that
I can glean, that you can glean out of that?
Here's what I want you to know. I've never taught
a mentoring or coaching series quite like this.
And what I've done in each one of these is I've
I've taken the way that Jesus deepened his love
with his disciples because he's our model. And
when we do that in our marriage relationships,
I'm telling you, great things happen. And so
when he wanted to deepen his love, what you see
in John 13, it was his very last act. He serves.
And so in each one of these messages, I'll give
the teaching. Then I'll give the principles.
And then most of you are going to be most excited
for our next broadcast because I'll give the
practical implications. And then each time, I
will give you a very specific tool. I mean, something
practical to do to serve your mate in a way that
here's what I will guarantee. It will deepen
your love because it will be a tool that allow
you to do what Jesus did for his disciples. So
I don't know what you have going on for the next
couple of weeks, but let me encourage you. Stay
with me. Let's join together and learn to love
our mates in ways that provide deep, lasting,
rich relationships. Because it's more than just
about us and our happiness. Our marriages are
God's billboard to the world. It's the picture
of Jesus and the church. So join me for the next
couple of weeks and let's grow together. Can
you really learn to love when you don't feel
like it? I'm Dave Drewy, inviting you to join
us as Chip Ingram continues teaching on the love
languages. Tomorrow on Living on the Edge. Today's
program is produced and sponsored by Living on
the Edge.