WEBVTT 00:00:01.580 --> 00:00:04.719 Do you know someone with an anger problem? Their 00:00:04.719 --> 00:00:07.679 outbursts of anger alienate you, maybe those 00:00:07.679 --> 00:00:10.480 you love? Do you wish you could help them stop 00:00:10.480 --> 00:00:14.259 losing their temper? You can learn today to help 00:00:14.259 --> 00:00:17.760 others turn their anger from a foe to a friend. 00:00:17.879 --> 00:00:24.160 Stay with me. Welcome to this edition of Living 00:00:24.160 --> 00:00:27.460 on the Edge with Chip Ingram. We are an international 00:00:27.460 --> 00:00:30.280 teaching and discipleship ministry dedicated 00:00:30.280 --> 00:00:32.939 to helping Christians worldwide live out their 00:00:32.939 --> 00:00:35.520 faith for the glory of God and the good of all. 00:00:35.899 --> 00:00:38.179 We're in the middle of Chip's timely and relevant 00:00:38.179 --> 00:00:41.219 series, Overcoming Emotions That Destroy. So 00:00:41.219 --> 00:00:43.280 far, we've learned where this monster of rage 00:00:43.280 --> 00:00:46.549 comes from. and why everyone struggles to control 00:00:46.549 --> 00:00:49.509 this powerful emotion. Today, Chip takes our 00:00:49.509 --> 00:00:52.469 study a layer deeper by suggesting that we can 00:00:52.469 --> 00:00:55.649 wield anger as a tool for good rather than a 00:00:55.649 --> 00:00:58.250 weapon for evil. So if you're ready to learn 00:00:58.250 --> 00:01:00.630 how to do that, grab your Bible and notes as 00:01:00.630 --> 00:01:03.570 we join Chip for his message, Turning Anger from 00:01:03.570 --> 00:01:07.950 a Foe to a Friend. I was an adventuresome eight 00:01:07.950 --> 00:01:09.769 or nine -year -old. It's probably hard to believe, 00:01:09.849 --> 00:01:12.609 but I was a very high -risk, loony kid that was 00:01:12.609 --> 00:01:16.530 in the emergency room regularly. And so we were 00:01:16.530 --> 00:01:19.890 visiting my grandmother, and she lived out in 00:01:19.890 --> 00:01:21.989 the country in West Virginia and had this huge 00:01:21.989 --> 00:01:23.930 hill right behind her house, and there was a 00:01:23.930 --> 00:01:26.310 little barn. And of course, when I got there, 00:01:26.349 --> 00:01:28.849 I was about nine, maybe 10, I can't remember 00:01:28.849 --> 00:01:32.230 exactly, but she said, someone's keeping a horse 00:01:32.230 --> 00:01:36.319 in the big field that goes straight up. don't 00:01:36.319 --> 00:01:40.500 go near the horse. The horse is wild. It hasn't 00:01:40.500 --> 00:01:43.540 been written in years. It's a huge horse. You 00:01:43.540 --> 00:01:45.500 could really get hurt. Chip, do you hear me? 00:01:46.040 --> 00:01:49.750 Don't go near the horse. And I'm thinking. I 00:01:49.750 --> 00:01:51.930 got that one down. Absolutely. You know, I knew 00:01:51.930 --> 00:01:54.290 exactly what I was going to do. So I got my sisters 00:01:54.290 --> 00:01:56.829 to help me. And we found some stuff. And we fed 00:01:56.829 --> 00:01:58.230 the horse. And we got him closer and closer. 00:01:58.430 --> 00:02:00.590 And then I saw there was a saddle. I'm 10 years 00:02:00.590 --> 00:02:02.750 old. Me and my sister, you know, here, you feed 00:02:02.750 --> 00:02:04.730 him here. And we got him. So we put the saddle 00:02:04.730 --> 00:02:06.609 on. I'm not sure how to do it. I start pulling 00:02:06.609 --> 00:02:08.229 stuff. You know, watch those Westerns. You can 00:02:08.229 --> 00:02:10.169 figure this out. So, you know, it's a little 00:02:10.169 --> 00:02:12.669 loose. But that's how it'll work. And, you know, 00:02:12.669 --> 00:02:14.330 we had a rope. I didn't know how to do, you know, 00:02:14.370 --> 00:02:15.870 the bit through the mouth and all that. So we 00:02:15.870 --> 00:02:19.000 just put a rope around his neck. And so, hey, 00:02:19.139 --> 00:02:21.460 now, Punky, that's my sister's name. Now, you 00:02:21.460 --> 00:02:24.120 keep feeding him, and I'm going to get on him, 00:02:24.180 --> 00:02:26.860 you know? And in the back of my mind, my grandma, 00:02:26.939 --> 00:02:29.560 now, don't you touch that horse, you know? So 00:02:29.560 --> 00:02:32.840 I get on this horse, and I know you're not supposed 00:02:32.840 --> 00:02:34.979 to hold on to the horn, but when deer life begins, 00:02:35.099 --> 00:02:38.259 so this horse bolts up. I mean, and I mean, it's 00:02:38.259 --> 00:02:41.780 like a 45 degree, and there's rocks, and he runs 00:02:41.780 --> 00:02:43.879 as fast. And I got to tell you, I was having 00:02:43.879 --> 00:02:50.620 a blast. I mean, it was like, whoa. And he gets 00:02:50.620 --> 00:02:53.060 all the way up to the top. And then he stops. 00:02:54.780 --> 00:02:58.500 And then he turns around. And I'm going, oh. 00:02:59.740 --> 00:03:02.840 And he goes straight down. And I mean, now I'm 00:03:02.840 --> 00:03:05.139 just hanging on like this, like this, like this. 00:03:05.580 --> 00:03:07.800 And I'm realizing, I mean, we're going for this 00:03:07.800 --> 00:03:11.379 fence. And I'm thinking, I'm going to die. And 00:03:11.379 --> 00:03:14.419 so I thought. We're going so fast, if I bail 00:03:14.419 --> 00:03:15.879 out, it's going to hurt. If I hit the fence, 00:03:15.960 --> 00:03:18.180 it's going to hurt more. And so I just jumped 00:03:18.180 --> 00:03:19.960 off the side of the horse and hit a rock and 00:03:19.960 --> 00:03:22.060 rolled a little bit, and then he was angry and 00:03:22.060 --> 00:03:23.919 ran and tried to nip me in the rear end, and 00:03:23.919 --> 00:03:27.840 I got out of there. And you're thinking, what 00:03:27.840 --> 00:03:33.800 does this have to do with anger? Many years later, 00:03:33.879 --> 00:03:37.840 after learning that a horse can be really wild 00:03:37.840 --> 00:03:41.379 and dangerous, I have a friend who trained horses. 00:03:42.490 --> 00:03:45.349 And I went to this little camp. And I got on 00:03:45.349 --> 00:03:47.229 this horse, and he described the horse. He says, 00:03:47.310 --> 00:03:49.930 if you want it to do this, say that. I said, 00:03:49.969 --> 00:03:51.990 what do you mean? You just say it? Yeah. He said, 00:03:52.030 --> 00:03:54.530 if you want it to do this with this knee, you 00:03:54.530 --> 00:03:56.710 go like that, he'll do this. With your other 00:03:56.710 --> 00:03:59.330 knee, if you tap here, he'll do this. I'll just 00:03:59.330 --> 00:04:02.430 make this sound, and he'll back up. I said, I'll 00:04:02.430 --> 00:04:09.009 get out. It was like driving a car. I mean, it 00:04:09.009 --> 00:04:12.909 was an amazing deal. Now, here's the deal. They're 00:04:12.909 --> 00:04:19.209 both big, strong animals. One was a wild stallion 00:04:19.209 --> 00:04:22.689 out of control. The other, with a bit put in 00:04:22.689 --> 00:04:26.769 its mouth, became a source of great joy, good 00:04:26.769 --> 00:04:30.589 transportation, and a lot of fun. That's the 00:04:30.589 --> 00:04:34.329 picture I want you to have about anger. Out of 00:04:34.329 --> 00:04:37.629 control? I'll tell you what, it's like a fire 00:04:37.629 --> 00:04:43.500 outside the fireplace. Under control? focused, 00:04:43.500 --> 00:04:46.680 understood, and used. It's like a fire in the 00:04:46.680 --> 00:04:49.480 fireplace that brings light and warmth. And so 00:04:49.480 --> 00:04:51.060 what we wanna talk in this session about is, 00:04:51.120 --> 00:04:53.899 well, how do you do that? How do you make anger 00:04:53.899 --> 00:04:57.079 work for you? And I just touched on it. I wanna 00:04:57.079 --> 00:05:01.300 go through the A, B, C, Ds of anger. And as we 00:05:01.300 --> 00:05:03.079 do that, I'm gonna ask you to pull back in your 00:05:03.079 --> 00:05:07.360 memory my aha moment. I actually learned this. 00:05:07.600 --> 00:05:10.279 Sometimes God does something. And you have this 00:05:10.279 --> 00:05:12.139 aha moment. And what I've learned to do is say, 00:05:12.199 --> 00:05:15.160 God, how did you do that? Okay, I was studying 00:05:15.160 --> 00:05:17.560 all this stuff. I came home. I was lonely, hurt, 00:05:17.740 --> 00:05:20.399 struggling. I got mad. I didn't even know I was 00:05:20.399 --> 00:05:22.720 mad. I went to bed. I got up and yelled at my 00:05:22.720 --> 00:05:25.339 kids and was a jerk as a husband. Okay, then 00:05:25.339 --> 00:05:27.779 I got, I sat in my car. I sat there for 10 minutes 00:05:27.779 --> 00:05:30.199 and I realized I'm angry because I'm studying 00:05:30.199 --> 00:05:34.120 this right now. And then once I acknowledged 00:05:34.120 --> 00:05:37.899 my anger, I backtracked. to the primary emotion, 00:05:38.040 --> 00:05:41.339 and I realized anger's not the problem. I'm sad, 00:05:41.600 --> 00:05:45.899 I'm lonely, and I'm disappointed. And then number 00:05:45.899 --> 00:05:49.379 three, what'd I do? I considered the cause. I 00:05:49.379 --> 00:05:53.800 had hurt and expectations. I expected everyone, 00:05:54.079 --> 00:05:57.680 very unrealistically, at 9 .30 to be waiting 00:05:57.680 --> 00:06:00.779 on the edge going, Daddy's home, life's wonderful. 00:06:01.120 --> 00:06:04.170 But I didn't think this all through. And then 00:06:04.170 --> 00:06:06.149 finally, the last thing I did is I determined 00:06:06.149 --> 00:06:09.089 how to best deal with it. And my moment of truth 00:06:09.089 --> 00:06:13.689 was, do I sit in this car, stuff it, leak it 00:06:13.689 --> 00:06:16.490 later, like at dinner? Hey, honey, what was happening 00:06:16.490 --> 00:06:18.610 last night? So do you have a sleeping pill to 00:06:18.610 --> 00:06:22.089 all the kids? You know, did you have a good day? 00:06:22.170 --> 00:06:24.250 I did, you know, and that's what I would do. 00:06:25.050 --> 00:06:28.120 Or do I walk in there? feel very vulnerable, 00:06:28.319 --> 00:06:31.759 very naked, and say to my wife, I feel hurt and 00:06:31.759 --> 00:06:34.759 lonely and disappointed because I needed you, 00:06:34.800 --> 00:06:36.779 and you're my best friend, and you weren't available. 00:06:37.019 --> 00:06:40.660 And I understand why, and I understand my expectations 00:06:40.660 --> 00:06:43.740 were totally unreasonable, but I need to be around 00:06:43.740 --> 00:06:45.399 you. By the way, I never finished that story. 00:06:46.000 --> 00:06:48.300 I can tell you right where I was in the kitchen. 00:06:48.680 --> 00:06:51.620 My wife put her arms around me, and she said, 00:06:51.660 --> 00:06:53.670 hon, I understand. And you know, why don't we 00:06:53.670 --> 00:06:55.829 just, when you get home tonight, let's take a 00:06:55.829 --> 00:06:58.009 walk, grab a cup of coffee, and I just want to 00:06:58.009 --> 00:07:00.850 hear what's going on. And I got this great hug. 00:07:01.649 --> 00:07:06.310 And you know, I had a little decision that turned 00:07:06.310 --> 00:07:08.949 an entire day, instead of stuffing anger, getting 00:07:08.949 --> 00:07:11.670 mad, leaking later, and probably not having a 00:07:11.670 --> 00:07:13.230 good day being mad at other people, I'd find 00:07:13.230 --> 00:07:17.110 other people to blame. And instead, I acknowledged 00:07:17.110 --> 00:07:21.509 my anger, A. I backtracked to the primary emotion. 00:07:22.029 --> 00:07:25.750 B, I considered the cause, C, my expectations. 00:07:26.189 --> 00:07:30.050 D, I determined a course of action. And in this 00:07:30.050 --> 00:07:32.350 particular one, although I wish I could say it's, 00:07:32.389 --> 00:07:36.290 I do it all the time, I did the right thing and 00:07:36.290 --> 00:07:40.250 I experienced God's grace. I went from a wild 00:07:40.250 --> 00:07:43.209 stallion out of control, make your bed, have 00:07:43.209 --> 00:07:45.009 you had your quiet time, take out the trash, 00:07:45.290 --> 00:07:51.170 to a father forgiven, filled with the Spirit. 00:07:52.099 --> 00:07:55.439 reconnected with my wife and with my kids. My 00:07:55.439 --> 00:07:59.579 anger taught me something. It helped me grow. 00:08:00.040 --> 00:08:02.860 It also helped me realize the extent of need 00:08:02.860 --> 00:08:05.379 that I have. And it told my wife something. A 00:08:05.379 --> 00:08:07.680 lot of women, especially married to people that 00:08:07.680 --> 00:08:10.839 are kind of have a lot of energy, and it let 00:08:10.839 --> 00:08:14.279 my wife know, I really need you. I need you a 00:08:14.279 --> 00:08:16.439 lot. And so it actually communicated love to 00:08:16.439 --> 00:08:19.290 her. And so I'm going to encourage you that when 00:08:19.290 --> 00:08:21.649 you get angry, and by the way, this will be very 00:08:21.649 --> 00:08:24.850 hard for stuffers. You may need people to tell 00:08:24.850 --> 00:08:29.410 you you're angry because you've been so trained 00:08:29.410 --> 00:08:33.490 in stuffing it. You actually need to give them 00:08:33.490 --> 00:08:35.970 permission that when you start behaving in certain 00:08:35.970 --> 00:08:41.169 ways, they can say, I think you're angry. But 00:08:41.169 --> 00:08:44.110 this can be a tremendous process. And now what 00:08:44.110 --> 00:08:46.450 I want to do in the real practical is the who, 00:08:46.570 --> 00:08:49.950 what, how, and when of determining how to deal 00:08:49.950 --> 00:08:53.649 with your anger. Okay, I mean, so what do you 00:08:53.649 --> 00:08:57.110 do? I mean, so here's the questions. You want 00:08:57.110 --> 00:09:01.549 to ask, at who am I really angry? Myself, someone 00:09:01.549 --> 00:09:05.870 else, the situation, or God? Now, this may sound 00:09:05.870 --> 00:09:09.620 simple. But I expressed my anger. I thought I 00:09:09.620 --> 00:09:15.240 was angry at my son for not, you know, having 00:09:15.240 --> 00:09:18.379 his chores done or my daughter for not making 00:09:18.379 --> 00:09:21.980 her bed or my wife because she had the audacity 00:09:21.980 --> 00:09:23.919 to say I'm being unreasonable with the kids. 00:09:25.240 --> 00:09:30.019 But that's not who I was angry at. And until 00:09:30.019 --> 00:09:34.080 you get clear on who you're angry at, you can't 00:09:34.080 --> 00:09:38.379 deal with it rightly and you can't heal. My friend, 00:09:38.419 --> 00:09:41.220 Dr. Becca Johnson, in her counseling, tells the 00:09:41.220 --> 00:09:44.779 story of a young woman who was date raped, been 00:09:44.779 --> 00:09:47.899 in counseling for a long time, and was not making 00:09:47.899 --> 00:09:50.820 progress. And she said, you know, had a breakthrough 00:09:50.820 --> 00:09:53.139 in one of the sessions, and this young woman 00:09:53.139 --> 00:09:56.340 discovered that her anger's focus was really 00:09:56.340 --> 00:09:59.919 not so much on the perpetrator, but she was mad 00:09:59.919 --> 00:10:03.240 at herself. And she was taking on the guilt, 00:10:03.320 --> 00:10:06.299 which is not uncommon with rape victims. It was, 00:10:06.299 --> 00:10:09.879 why did I ever go out with that guy? I saw a 00:10:09.879 --> 00:10:11.960 little red flag. I mean, obviously, nothing. 00:10:12.200 --> 00:10:15.539 And so she was blaming herself, mad at herself. 00:10:16.419 --> 00:10:18.679 And it wasn't until she realized, you know what, 00:10:18.759 --> 00:10:23.320 I'm angry with me, that then she could say, now, 00:10:23.340 --> 00:10:26.120 wait a second. Are you responsible when people 00:10:26.120 --> 00:10:29.740 hold you down and do unmentionable things? No. 00:10:30.889 --> 00:10:34.009 See, until you understand who you're angry at, 00:10:34.230 --> 00:10:37.110 you have a hard time dealing with what are the 00:10:37.110 --> 00:10:39.450 real issues. And we believe a lot of lies. By 00:10:39.450 --> 00:10:41.850 the way, you know, we do a series on spiritual 00:10:41.850 --> 00:10:45.169 warfare. If you think this isn't an arena where 00:10:45.169 --> 00:10:49.750 the enemy, he's a liar, he's a condemner, he's 00:10:49.750 --> 00:10:52.429 an accuser. In fact, the key passage is what? 00:10:52.509 --> 00:10:55.529 Be angry, yet don't sin. Don't let the sun go 00:10:55.529 --> 00:10:59.269 down on the anger. Why? Lest you give the devil 00:10:59.269 --> 00:11:02.730 a foothold. So a lot of these, when you have 00:11:02.730 --> 00:11:05.210 unresolved anger, there's all kind of Christians 00:11:05.210 --> 00:11:08.210 that never think there's demonic, satanic, powerful 00:11:08.210 --> 00:11:10.870 forces. He doesn't need to have things move in 00:11:10.870 --> 00:11:13.190 your house or scare you to death. If he has you 00:11:13.190 --> 00:11:15.789 believing a lie about condemnation and ruining 00:11:15.789 --> 00:11:17.769 your present relationships, I mean, why should 00:11:17.769 --> 00:11:20.149 he show you himself when he has you buffaloed 00:11:20.149 --> 00:11:23.509 now? And by the way, some of you are starting 00:11:23.509 --> 00:11:25.990 to deal with anger issues and starting to talk 00:11:25.990 --> 00:11:28.330 about things and it gets really hard and really 00:11:28.330 --> 00:11:30.190 difficult and really threatening. I got news 00:11:30.190 --> 00:11:33.350 for you. There is huge spiritual opposition about 00:11:33.350 --> 00:11:36.070 you doing and obeying and listening what we're 00:11:36.070 --> 00:11:40.889 talking about. It's a stronghold. So the first 00:11:40.889 --> 00:11:43.610 thing you need to find out is who are you angry 00:11:43.610 --> 00:11:47.289 at? I have a very, very close friend, godly young 00:11:47.289 --> 00:11:54.200 woman, known for years. And about every six months 00:11:54.200 --> 00:11:59.340 to 13 months, she has a complete meltdown. She's 00:11:59.340 --> 00:12:04.360 been single. She's now in her late 40s and attractive, 00:12:04.720 --> 00:12:07.080 bright, all the things you would ever think. 00:12:07.759 --> 00:12:12.279 And she, I mean, gets depressed. Just, it took 00:12:12.279 --> 00:12:15.679 about five years to realize and for her to admit 00:12:15.679 --> 00:12:19.879 she's mad at God. She's really mad at God. Why 00:12:19.879 --> 00:12:22.940 haven't you brought someone into my life? And 00:12:22.940 --> 00:12:25.279 she has some really warped views of God. And 00:12:25.279 --> 00:12:27.799 so she thinks God is punishing her. And she has 00:12:27.799 --> 00:12:30.419 a lot of things. But until she came to the point 00:12:30.419 --> 00:12:32.919 where she realized she wasn't mad at these guys 00:12:32.919 --> 00:12:35.220 who asked you out once, these guys that once 00:12:35.220 --> 00:12:37.419 you get sort of serious, back away. She wasn't 00:12:37.419 --> 00:12:39.500 mad that Christian guys seemed to be. She had 00:12:39.500 --> 00:12:41.799 her anger in all kind of different areas. She 00:12:41.799 --> 00:12:45.460 finally realized, I'm mad at God. And by the 00:12:45.460 --> 00:12:47.460 way, at least from the book of Job and from the 00:12:47.460 --> 00:12:49.840 Psalms, God doesn't seem to be too upset when 00:12:49.840 --> 00:12:52.980 people are honest and candid and angry with him 00:12:52.980 --> 00:12:56.580 in order to get to the heart of issues. He can 00:12:56.580 --> 00:12:59.799 handle it. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted. 00:12:59.899 --> 00:13:03.299 He's near to those who are crushed in spirit. 00:13:04.799 --> 00:13:08.519 He's near to those to come him in truth. Isaiah, 00:13:08.659 --> 00:13:12.539 quoting God, says, call to me, present your cause. 00:13:13.309 --> 00:13:15.909 that you might be proved right. God longs more 00:13:15.909 --> 00:13:19.129 than anything else for us to be honest and come 00:13:19.129 --> 00:13:21.549 to him with the raw pain and the hurt that we 00:13:21.549 --> 00:13:25.509 have. You're listening to Living on the Edge. 00:13:26.120 --> 00:13:28.539 Before we continue today's program, let me ask 00:13:28.539 --> 00:13:31.179 you, is anger devastating your relationships 00:13:31.179 --> 00:13:34.600 with your family, spouse, or coworkers? Join 00:13:34.600 --> 00:13:36.940 us after Chip's message to learn more about our 00:13:36.940 --> 00:13:39.480 valuable small group resource for this series. 00:13:39.799 --> 00:13:42.379 Stick around to discover how to confront this 00:13:42.379 --> 00:13:45.639 powerful emotion and harness it for good. But 00:13:45.639 --> 00:13:48.220 for now, here again is Chip to continue today's 00:13:48.220 --> 00:13:51.379 message. So number one, as you go through this, 00:13:51.500 --> 00:13:53.440 you acknowledge your anger, you're backtracking, 00:13:53.500 --> 00:13:55.100 then you want to say, well, who am I mad at? 00:13:55.139 --> 00:13:58.980 Second, what should I do? Right? Okay. And I've 00:13:58.980 --> 00:14:01.399 discovered who I'm mad at. Well, it's my spouse. 00:14:01.480 --> 00:14:03.639 It's one of my kids. It's me. It's God. Well, 00:14:03.700 --> 00:14:07.519 what should I do? Express it directly or release 00:14:07.519 --> 00:14:10.799 it indirectly? Do I confront the situation or 00:14:10.799 --> 00:14:14.000 do I conceal it? Will my plans make matters worse 00:14:14.000 --> 00:14:17.629 or make them better? This is where I'm going 00:14:17.629 --> 00:14:20.110 to ask Dr. Becca Johnson. She says it in two 00:14:20.110 --> 00:14:23.370 paragraphs because this is critical. What do 00:14:23.370 --> 00:14:26.669 you do when you realize, A, you're angry, and 00:14:26.669 --> 00:14:31.190 B, you're angry at someone? Do you directly go 00:14:31.190 --> 00:14:33.870 at it and deal with it? And when do you not? 00:14:34.620 --> 00:14:36.799 She writes, when we find ourselves in an unwanted 00:14:36.799 --> 00:14:39.139 situation with angry feelings, we basically have 00:14:39.139 --> 00:14:41.600 two choices. Do I express my feelings directly 00:14:41.600 --> 00:14:44.320 to the person or do I release them indirectly 00:14:44.320 --> 00:14:47.840 through various activities? Dealing with it directly 00:14:47.840 --> 00:14:50.940 means choosing to confront the situation. We 00:14:50.940 --> 00:14:54.700 try and change it. We act rather than acquiesce. 00:14:54.740 --> 00:14:57.059 We take action and appropriately let the person 00:14:57.059 --> 00:15:00.240 involved know about our anger and its root emotions, 00:15:00.500 --> 00:15:03.340 what contributed to their existence and what 00:15:03.340 --> 00:15:06.059 we would like to be different. It's best to express 00:15:06.059 --> 00:15:08.679 ourselves clearly without blaming or attacking. 00:15:09.000 --> 00:15:11.980 We let our anger be known, but in ways we previously 00:15:11.980 --> 00:15:15.679 discussed. I feel blank when you blank. I wish 00:15:15.679 --> 00:15:18.779 you would versus demand. We get it out wisely 00:15:18.779 --> 00:15:22.450 and carefully. never impulsively or without consideration 00:15:22.450 --> 00:15:27.389 of the consequences and the causalities. Dealing 00:15:27.389 --> 00:15:29.669 with our anger indirectly gives us more options. 00:15:30.149 --> 00:15:32.370 Sometimes it's best to accept things the way 00:15:32.370 --> 00:15:35.029 they are, conform, and not to share our anger 00:15:35.029 --> 00:15:37.669 with those involved, conceal. But it's important 00:15:37.669 --> 00:15:40.570 to make sure our motivation isn't from an uncomfortable 00:15:40.570 --> 00:15:44.480 situation. We choose this option not by default 00:15:44.480 --> 00:15:47.639 or out of hopelessness, but out of a calculated 00:15:47.639 --> 00:15:50.500 conclusion that it would be best not to stir 00:15:50.500 --> 00:15:53.000 the waters or rock the boat at this particular 00:15:53.000 --> 00:15:56.639 time in this particular situation. Wisdom sometimes 00:15:56.639 --> 00:15:59.879 demands that we choose not to provoke or reprove 00:15:59.879 --> 00:16:02.899 someone when past history or other circumstances 00:16:02.899 --> 00:16:06.879 dictate it to be an unwise practice. Sometimes 00:16:06.879 --> 00:16:10.049 we have to find a new job. do business with a 00:16:10.049 --> 00:16:12.830 different company, discontinue an unhealthy relationship. 00:16:13.049 --> 00:16:16.710 We choose not to confront but to quit. We should 00:16:16.710 --> 00:16:19.590 consider this only after we've weighed all other 00:16:19.590 --> 00:16:22.429 options carefully and determined that letting 00:16:22.429 --> 00:16:25.190 go is the best course of action. Does that make 00:16:25.190 --> 00:16:27.690 sense? See, there's times where you work for 00:16:27.690 --> 00:16:31.649 a boss and he's making sexual advances. I feel 00:16:31.649 --> 00:16:33.590 uncomfortable when you make jokes like that. 00:16:33.879 --> 00:16:36.539 and they continue to make sexual advances, and 00:16:36.539 --> 00:16:38.779 you understand that your role in the company 00:16:38.779 --> 00:16:42.480 is of the kind that there may be a time there's 00:16:42.480 --> 00:16:44.480 someone you're to report this to, and you need 00:16:44.480 --> 00:16:46.580 to directly say, this is the way it is, and understand 00:16:46.580 --> 00:16:49.500 the consequences. There's other times where maybe 00:16:49.500 --> 00:16:51.860 it's a different situation, and you realize no 00:16:51.860 --> 00:16:55.429 matter what you do, you're powerless. Your role 00:16:55.429 --> 00:16:57.309 in the company, your role in the relationship, 00:16:57.610 --> 00:17:00.789 you've said it 78 times. It's the 79th. Nothing 00:17:00.789 --> 00:17:03.110 has changed. You're trying to reprove a mocker, 00:17:03.149 --> 00:17:06.069 and you realize, you know something? All it will 00:17:06.069 --> 00:17:08.230 do is inflame the problem. I've prayed about 00:17:08.230 --> 00:17:10.630 it. I'm willing. I'm not uncomfortable. I would 00:17:10.630 --> 00:17:12.849 do it. And you pray, and God says, you know something? 00:17:13.109 --> 00:17:15.720 This is not one. Don't go down this road again. 00:17:16.039 --> 00:17:18.000 How many times do you need to knock your head 00:17:18.000 --> 00:17:20.339 against that wall for that bump on your head 00:17:20.339 --> 00:17:22.339 to get bigger and bigger and more painful and 00:17:22.339 --> 00:17:25.579 realize on this one, you know what? You know, 00:17:25.579 --> 00:17:27.079 there was a time, what did Jesus say to some 00:17:27.079 --> 00:17:29.519 of the disciples? You know, get the dust off 00:17:29.519 --> 00:17:32.140 your feet, move on to the next town. You don't 00:17:32.140 --> 00:17:35.960 always have the ability and sometimes it's not 00:17:35.960 --> 00:17:38.259 God's will to resolve everything with everyone. 00:17:38.840 --> 00:17:41.140 You do the best you can as far as it depends 00:17:41.140 --> 00:17:43.480 on you. And that's why, by the way, we have a 00:17:43.480 --> 00:17:47.119 Holy Spirit. He will show you, if you're willing 00:17:47.119 --> 00:17:50.799 and open, what to do in various situations. The 00:17:50.799 --> 00:17:52.839 third issue is not only the who or the what, 00:17:52.880 --> 00:17:55.140 but the how. How do I deal with the situation? 00:17:55.819 --> 00:17:58.460 Should I do it in person? Should I do it on the 00:17:58.460 --> 00:18:01.920 phone? Should I do it through a letter? How do 00:18:01.920 --> 00:18:07.289 you know what to do? I would say, The best way, 00:18:07.390 --> 00:18:10.769 if at all possible, is in person. It's the hardest 00:18:10.769 --> 00:18:13.670 way, but that's the best way. Because one, you 00:18:13.670 --> 00:18:16.589 can read the body language. And the goal is you 00:18:16.589 --> 00:18:19.009 speak the truth in love. I feel hurt. I feel 00:18:19.009 --> 00:18:23.329 disappointed. I felt used when... And really, 00:18:23.829 --> 00:18:27.210 you get to express your anger to a person when 00:18:27.210 --> 00:18:30.289 your motive is, I love them and I want to restore 00:18:30.289 --> 00:18:33.210 the relationship. Not, this will make me feel 00:18:33.210 --> 00:18:36.269 better because I'm getting vengeance. The goal 00:18:36.269 --> 00:18:40.349 of most anger is vengeance. And so you need to 00:18:40.349 --> 00:18:43.630 forgive the person, right? I'm gonna release 00:18:43.630 --> 00:18:47.289 you. That's what forgiveness is all about. I'm 00:18:47.289 --> 00:18:49.009 gonna be merciful to you the way God has been 00:18:49.009 --> 00:18:51.089 merciful to me, but I'm not gonna be a doormat. 00:18:51.230 --> 00:18:54.730 So I'm gonna tell you, I feel this way when you 00:18:54.730 --> 00:18:58.690 do this, but I'm doing it not because I can guarantee 00:18:58.690 --> 00:19:02.880 the result. It's because I love you. and you 00:19:02.880 --> 00:19:04.880 need to know the truth and the truth will set 00:19:04.880 --> 00:19:08.059 you free and I'm not going to sit on this and 00:19:08.059 --> 00:19:10.859 bury this and stuff this and pretend that things 00:19:10.859 --> 00:19:12.940 are okay and have an inauthentic relationship. 00:19:13.559 --> 00:19:16.819 And so in person is usually the best way. But 00:19:16.819 --> 00:19:18.839 sometimes because of how the person might respond, 00:19:18.900 --> 00:19:21.180 you might say, well, gosh, I did that once and 00:19:21.180 --> 00:19:25.380 that's how when they rewired my jaw, right? Or 00:19:25.380 --> 00:19:29.019 I did that once and it was, and so maybe a letter 00:19:29.019 --> 00:19:32.990 is the best way to go. to a person that whether 00:19:32.990 --> 00:19:35.730 they're dead or whether it would be totally inappropriate 00:19:35.730 --> 00:19:39.130 and you know the response to write a very specific 00:19:39.130 --> 00:19:43.210 letter, I feel blank when you and because you 00:19:43.210 --> 00:19:46.329 and you write it out and list it out and you 00:19:46.329 --> 00:19:51.609 get it out here. I remember a time where the 00:19:51.609 --> 00:19:55.829 long story, I won't go into it, but I was, a 00:19:55.829 --> 00:19:59.009 guy called me under the premise of something 00:19:59.009 --> 00:20:02.289 and was trying to trap me and recorded the conversation 00:20:02.289 --> 00:20:05.349 trying to make me say something bad about someone 00:20:05.349 --> 00:20:08.049 else and then never played it but told people 00:20:08.049 --> 00:20:11.210 I had said things. And, you know, I was pretty 00:20:11.210 --> 00:20:14.490 young, you know, I was like 38 and I was livid. 00:20:14.609 --> 00:20:16.809 I mean, I was just, I found out about, I mean, 00:20:16.950 --> 00:20:21.349 livid. I mean, I had anger fantasies. You know? 00:20:21.849 --> 00:20:23.750 Like pretending terrible things happened to him 00:20:23.750 --> 00:20:26.009 and saying, such does the Lord, you know? And 00:20:26.009 --> 00:20:28.190 I was eating up and I couldn't sleep and I was 00:20:28.190 --> 00:20:29.730 angry. And I remember eating lunch with a fellow 00:20:29.730 --> 00:20:32.549 pastor, a really godly guy. And he said, you 00:20:32.549 --> 00:20:33.849 know what, Chip, you need to do, you need to 00:20:33.849 --> 00:20:35.529 write that guy a letter. You need to get it all 00:20:35.529 --> 00:20:37.329 out. You need to get it really straight. And 00:20:37.329 --> 00:20:39.450 man, there's a brother that really loves me. 00:20:39.549 --> 00:20:41.690 And so, man, I did. And I wrote it all out, wrote 00:20:41.690 --> 00:20:43.009 it all out, wrote it out. And he said, let me 00:20:43.009 --> 00:20:45.369 read that thing. And he read it all. He goes, 00:20:45.450 --> 00:20:50.390 wow. So the motivation for this letter was, well, 00:20:51.919 --> 00:20:53.700 Man, this guy did this terrible stuff and he 00:20:53.700 --> 00:20:56.400 needs to know. So the motivation is justice, 00:20:56.640 --> 00:20:59.700 right? And then I noticed that there's some little 00:20:59.700 --> 00:21:02.740 innuendo here, except it's not very innuendo. 00:21:02.740 --> 00:21:05.119 It's like you're kind of, you're really slamming 00:21:05.119 --> 00:21:08.279 this guy. That's true. Well, okay, it's true. 00:21:08.380 --> 00:21:12.559 But so you really want to pay him back. I don't 00:21:12.559 --> 00:21:14.559 know if I'd call it that. That sounds too much 00:21:14.559 --> 00:21:16.059 like vengeance and that sounds like something 00:21:16.059 --> 00:21:19.660 only God should do. And anyway, I wrote that 00:21:19.660 --> 00:21:23.690 letter. And he said, why don't you try rewriting 00:21:23.690 --> 00:21:26.849 it again when you feel like the goal of the letter 00:21:26.849 --> 00:21:29.710 was to restore his relationship to God and his 00:21:29.710 --> 00:21:32.930 relationship to you. And it took me three or 00:21:32.930 --> 00:21:34.509 four days before I could get to where I was willing 00:21:34.509 --> 00:21:36.950 to do that. I eventually did it. I wrote out 00:21:36.950 --> 00:21:39.450 a letter. And then he challenged me. He said, 00:21:39.509 --> 00:21:40.789 you know what I encourage you to do? Why don't 00:21:40.789 --> 00:21:42.349 you take that letter, put it in an envelope, 00:21:42.609 --> 00:21:45.450 and put it in your briefcase? And why don't you 00:21:45.450 --> 00:21:51.779 sit on it for 30 days? And I did. And all the 00:21:51.779 --> 00:21:55.759 venom, all the junk, all the injustice, then 00:21:55.759 --> 00:22:00.059 God began to speak to me. And then in that particular 00:22:00.059 --> 00:22:02.960 case, that letter became just a little monument 00:22:02.960 --> 00:22:04.799 of, God, I'm going to trust my reputation to 00:22:04.799 --> 00:22:08.180 you. At the end of it, the core of my anger was 00:22:08.180 --> 00:22:11.259 not what he did. The core of my anger was I was 00:22:11.259 --> 00:22:15.099 zealous for my reputation. I was zealous for 00:22:15.099 --> 00:22:18.339 what people might think. And for me, it was a 00:22:18.339 --> 00:22:19.940 step of faith to say, I'm going to entrust that 00:22:19.940 --> 00:22:22.940 to you, Lord. And I watched after years later, 00:22:23.019 --> 00:22:25.619 God took care of all of that. I never sent the 00:22:25.619 --> 00:22:28.299 letter. There's a time to send a letter. There's 00:22:28.299 --> 00:22:31.390 a time not to send the letter. For some of you, 00:22:31.410 --> 00:22:33.089 you write a letter and you have a good friend 00:22:33.089 --> 00:22:35.609 look at it and help you process. But there's 00:22:35.609 --> 00:22:38.390 some people in this room, I guarantee, that have 00:22:38.390 --> 00:22:42.910 10, 20, 30, 40 years of pain and resentment that's 00:22:42.910 --> 00:22:46.049 buried toward parents or people or someone who 00:22:46.049 --> 00:22:48.609 walked out on you that is unresolved and it's 00:22:48.609 --> 00:22:51.029 been a poison in your soul. And you need to sit 00:22:51.029 --> 00:22:53.329 down maybe this afternoon and write a two or 00:22:53.329 --> 00:22:56.470 three page letter of what they did, how you actually 00:22:56.470 --> 00:22:59.609 felt, how angry you really felt, the negative 00:22:59.609 --> 00:23:01.930 impact and consequences it's had on your life, 00:23:02.009 --> 00:23:03.869 and you get down to the end, and then by the 00:23:03.869 --> 00:23:06.170 grace of God, when you can say it and mean it, 00:23:06.309 --> 00:23:14.150 and I forgive you. This is Living on the Edge 00:23:14.150 --> 00:23:16.549 with Chip Ingram, and you've been listening to 00:23:16.549 --> 00:23:19.049 part one of Chip's message, Turning Anger from 00:23:19.049 --> 00:23:21.990 a Foe to a Friend, from our series, Overcoming 00:23:21.990 --> 00:23:24.910 Emotions That Destroy. Chip will be back shortly 00:23:24.910 --> 00:23:27.349 to share some helpful application for us to think 00:23:27.349 --> 00:23:30.079 about. Have you ever been told you have an anger 00:23:30.079 --> 00:23:33.220 problem? Has your temper damaged or ruined a 00:23:33.220 --> 00:23:35.759 meaningful relationship? Are the frustrations 00:23:35.759 --> 00:23:38.859 of daily life weighing you down? Well let's be 00:23:38.859 --> 00:23:41.839 honest. Everyone struggles to control this powerful 00:23:41.839 --> 00:23:44.660 emotion at times. In this series, Chip reveals 00:23:44.660 --> 00:23:48.319 the common ways anger manifests and shares practical 00:23:48.319 --> 00:23:51.420 biblical solutions to rein it in before it destroys 00:23:51.420 --> 00:23:54.940 you and your most treasured relationships. Don't 00:23:54.940 --> 00:23:57.839 miss How to Be, as Jesus said, angry without 00:23:57.839 --> 00:24:01.420 sinning. Chip's back in studio with me now, and 00:24:01.420 --> 00:24:03.779 Chip, throughout the series, you've really stressed 00:24:03.779 --> 00:24:07.640 this idea of anger being an ally. And, you know, 00:24:07.660 --> 00:24:09.859 that's so interesting to me because that's not 00:24:09.859 --> 00:24:12.299 at all how I think about anger. Well, Dave, you're 00:24:12.299 --> 00:24:14.700 not alone on that one. I think most people believe. 00:24:15.309 --> 00:24:18.130 that anger is bad, that it's always sinful. And 00:24:18.130 --> 00:24:20.750 the truth is, it's a neutral emotion. I mean, 00:24:20.769 --> 00:24:24.230 God wants to use anger for good as much as all 00:24:24.230 --> 00:24:26.349 the bad that comes out of it. And I think what 00:24:26.349 --> 00:24:28.730 happens is until you get in a group of people 00:24:28.730 --> 00:24:32.470 and discuss it and shine the light on where you're 00:24:32.470 --> 00:24:35.130 angry and why and how it can be used for good, 00:24:35.289 --> 00:24:37.650 it's pretty tough to discover these things on 00:24:37.650 --> 00:24:39.880 your own. That's right. It just feels like this 00:24:39.880 --> 00:24:41.859 is one of those topics that's best suited to 00:24:41.859 --> 00:24:44.660 be unpacked and discussed, as you say, in the 00:24:44.660 --> 00:24:46.799 container of a small group. Would you agree? 00:24:47.220 --> 00:24:49.720 Yeah, I really do. In fact, there's a group of 00:24:49.720 --> 00:24:51.859 guys and they all came out of the Celebrate Recovery 00:24:51.859 --> 00:24:55.059 journey. And they were involved in various addictions 00:24:55.059 --> 00:24:57.259 and, you know, they own their stuff and have 00:24:57.259 --> 00:24:59.220 been in this together, about six or seven of 00:24:59.220 --> 00:25:02.079 them. And they talked about how they went through 00:25:02.079 --> 00:25:04.500 a number of our small group resources. And it 00:25:04.500 --> 00:25:07.319 was like. We took our 12 steps to step number 00:25:07.319 --> 00:25:10.900 13 and 14. And it was just so exciting because 00:25:10.900 --> 00:25:13.880 they said so many of us were stuck or, you know, 00:25:13.920 --> 00:25:16.980 we got involved in things because we were hurt 00:25:16.980 --> 00:25:19.900 or we were damaged or we were abused or we abused 00:25:19.900 --> 00:25:22.859 substances. And you know what? There is healing. 00:25:23.039 --> 00:25:24.859 Confess your sins to one another that you might 00:25:24.859 --> 00:25:27.359 be healed. But that healing is always around 00:25:27.359 --> 00:25:29.500 truth. And I think this is one of those issues 00:25:29.500 --> 00:25:33.819 that the anger is. sort of at the very top, and 00:25:33.819 --> 00:25:36.019 it's like that tip of the iceberg. And when you 00:25:36.019 --> 00:25:38.259 begin to discuss those things in a safe environment 00:25:38.259 --> 00:25:42.119 around truth, healing very deeply to the core 00:25:42.119 --> 00:25:44.539 of our being can occur. And that's why we created 00:25:44.539 --> 00:25:47.119 a small group resource. That's right, Chip. So 00:25:47.119 --> 00:25:48.859 if you want to get your hands on this valuable 00:25:48.859 --> 00:25:52.859 resource, visit livingontheedge .org. Dig into 00:25:52.859 --> 00:25:54.940 this study with a group of friends and uncover 00:25:54.940 --> 00:25:58.099 how anger may be impacting you and what you can 00:25:58.099 --> 00:26:00.500 do to harness it to grow spiritually, emotionally, 00:26:00.740 --> 00:26:03.839 and relationally. Get your hands on the overcoming 00:26:03.839 --> 00:26:07.059 emotions that destroy small group today by going 00:26:07.059 --> 00:26:11.619 to livingontheedge .org or by calling 888 -333 00:26:11.619 --> 00:26:16.740 -6003. App listeners tap special offers. Well, 00:26:16.779 --> 00:26:18.539 with that, here's Chip to share his application. 00:26:19.339 --> 00:26:22.259 As we close today's program, I'll remind you 00:26:22.259 --> 00:26:24.440 of the little story that I compared anger to 00:26:24.440 --> 00:26:27.319 a wild stallion. You know, there's nothing wrong 00:26:27.319 --> 00:26:29.779 with the horse, but out of control, dangerous, 00:26:30.099 --> 00:26:33.539 under control, useful. That's your anger. Anger 00:26:33.539 --> 00:26:35.960 is not bad. It is not sinful. It is not wrong. 00:26:36.039 --> 00:26:39.279 It is a neutral emotion that can be used for 00:26:39.279 --> 00:26:42.700 great good. or great damage. And most of us really 00:26:42.700 --> 00:26:45.259 have no idea how angry we are. And then we talked 00:26:45.259 --> 00:26:47.900 about, you know, the very specific game plan 00:26:47.900 --> 00:26:50.700 of be sure you know who you're angry at, what 00:26:50.700 --> 00:26:52.259 you should do, and then how to deal with the 00:26:52.259 --> 00:26:54.660 situation. Well, I have a friend I was visiting, 00:26:54.720 --> 00:26:57.400 and we're good buddies, and he's a fellow pastor. 00:26:58.140 --> 00:27:00.140 And we were talking, and he went through a huge 00:27:00.140 --> 00:27:02.700 leadership issue in his church. I mean, just 00:27:02.700 --> 00:27:04.539 one of those deals that as a pastor, you just 00:27:04.539 --> 00:27:06.779 wake up one day and you go, what in the world 00:27:06.779 --> 00:27:09.900 happened? And then he talked to me. Apparently, 00:27:10.019 --> 00:27:12.200 I dropped him this book in the mail a year or 00:27:12.200 --> 00:27:14.880 so ago. And he said, I started reading this book. 00:27:15.000 --> 00:27:18.259 And he said, I realized some of the big issues. 00:27:18.339 --> 00:27:20.779 I mean, bad things were happening out there and 00:27:20.779 --> 00:27:23.259 some ungodly things. He said, I never in my life 00:27:23.259 --> 00:27:25.599 thought I was angry. He said, I realized I had 00:27:25.599 --> 00:27:29.099 major anger issues, but I was a push him downer 00:27:29.099 --> 00:27:31.740 and a leaker. And then I began to see how that 00:27:31.740 --> 00:27:34.119 had infected the leadership culture. He said, 00:27:34.180 --> 00:27:36.680 I read that book. God did something crazy. And 00:27:36.680 --> 00:27:38.579 then pretty soon I was sharing it in counseling. 00:27:38.740 --> 00:27:41.339 He told me, Chip, he said, I just said, I forget 00:27:41.339 --> 00:27:43.000 it. I bought a case of these things. He says, 00:27:43.059 --> 00:27:45.400 what I do now is I get in counseling. I realize 00:27:45.400 --> 00:27:46.900 they got an anger issue. I say, you know what? 00:27:46.920 --> 00:27:48.740 Let's stop the counseling. Go ahead, read this 00:27:48.740 --> 00:27:50.559 book. Come back in a couple of weeks. And he 00:27:50.559 --> 00:27:52.319 said, thanks a lot. you've helped me out. So 00:27:52.319 --> 00:27:55.700 all I can tell you is, you know, even pastors, 00:27:55.920 --> 00:27:58.480 we just, people that we all think are so godly 00:27:58.480 --> 00:28:02.119 and so wonderful, and they are, but anger is 00:28:02.119 --> 00:28:04.220 one of those issues that most of us have thought 00:28:04.220 --> 00:28:08.839 is so bad, or we don't think we have an anger 00:28:08.839 --> 00:28:11.460 issue at all. We never realize that God wants 00:28:11.460 --> 00:28:14.799 to use it for good. How about you? What do you 00:28:14.799 --> 00:28:17.619 need to do with your anger? Let's get out of 00:28:17.619 --> 00:28:20.279 the denial. Why don't you pray honestly? God, 00:28:20.299 --> 00:28:24.150 show me. Show me where I'm angry and how I can 00:28:24.150 --> 00:28:26.730 deal with it. And I'll tell you what, he'll meet 00:28:26.730 --> 00:28:30.029 you. Great encouragement, Chip. Thanks. Be sure 00:28:30.029 --> 00:28:32.509 to join us next time as Chip continues his series, 00:28:32.690 --> 00:28:35.589 Overcoming Emotions That Destroy. Until then, 00:28:35.630 --> 00:28:38.029 I'm Dave Drewy saying thanks for listening to 00:28:38.029 --> 00:28:40.109 this edition of Living on the Edge.