Do you know someone with an anger problem? Their
outbursts of anger alienate you, maybe those
you love? Do you wish you could help them stop
losing their temper? You can learn today to help
others turn their anger from a foe to a friend.
Stay with me. Welcome to this edition of Living
on the Edge with Chip Ingram. We are an international
teaching and discipleship ministry dedicated
to helping Christians worldwide live out their
faith for the glory of God and the good of all.
We're in the middle of Chip's timely and relevant
series, Overcoming Emotions That Destroy. So
far, we've learned where this monster of rage
comes from. and why everyone struggles to control
this powerful emotion. Today, Chip takes our
study a layer deeper by suggesting that we can
wield anger as a tool for good rather than a
weapon for evil. So if you're ready to learn
how to do that, grab your Bible and notes as
we join Chip for his message, Turning Anger from
a Foe to a Friend. I was an adventuresome eight
or nine -year -old. It's probably hard to believe,
but I was a very high -risk, loony kid that was
in the emergency room regularly. And so we were
visiting my grandmother, and she lived out in
the country in West Virginia and had this huge
hill right behind her house, and there was a
little barn. And of course, when I got there,
I was about nine, maybe 10, I can't remember
exactly, but she said, someone's keeping a horse
in the big field that goes straight up. don't
go near the horse. The horse is wild. It hasn't
been written in years. It's a huge horse. You
could really get hurt. Chip, do you hear me?
Don't go near the horse. And I'm thinking. I
got that one down. Absolutely. You know, I knew
exactly what I was going to do. So I got my sisters
to help me. And we found some stuff. And we fed
the horse. And we got him closer and closer.
And then I saw there was a saddle. I'm 10 years
old. Me and my sister, you know, here, you feed
him here. And we got him. So we put the saddle
on. I'm not sure how to do it. I start pulling
stuff. You know, watch those Westerns. You can
figure this out. So, you know, it's a little
loose. But that's how it'll work. And, you know,
we had a rope. I didn't know how to do, you know,
the bit through the mouth and all that. So we
just put a rope around his neck. And so, hey,
now, Punky, that's my sister's name. Now, you
keep feeding him, and I'm going to get on him,
you know? And in the back of my mind, my grandma,
now, don't you touch that horse, you know? So
I get on this horse, and I know you're not supposed
to hold on to the horn, but when deer life begins,
so this horse bolts up. I mean, and I mean, it's
like a 45 degree, and there's rocks, and he runs
as fast. And I got to tell you, I was having
a blast. I mean, it was like, whoa. And he gets
all the way up to the top. And then he stops.
And then he turns around. And I'm going, oh.
And he goes straight down. And I mean, now I'm
just hanging on like this, like this, like this.
And I'm realizing, I mean, we're going for this
fence. And I'm thinking, I'm going to die. And
so I thought. We're going so fast, if I bail
out, it's going to hurt. If I hit the fence,
it's going to hurt more. And so I just jumped
off the side of the horse and hit a rock and
rolled a little bit, and then he was angry and
ran and tried to nip me in the rear end, and
I got out of there. And you're thinking, what
does this have to do with anger? Many years later,
after learning that a horse can be really wild
and dangerous, I have a friend who trained horses.
And I went to this little camp. And I got on
this horse, and he described the horse. He says,
if you want it to do this, say that. I said,
what do you mean? You just say it? Yeah. He said,
if you want it to do this with this knee, you
go like that, he'll do this. With your other
knee, if you tap here, he'll do this. I'll just
make this sound, and he'll back up. I said, I'll
get out. It was like driving a car. I mean, it
was an amazing deal. Now, here's the deal. They're
both big, strong animals. One was a wild stallion
out of control. The other, with a bit put in
its mouth, became a source of great joy, good
transportation, and a lot of fun. That's the
picture I want you to have about anger. Out of
control? I'll tell you what, it's like a fire
outside the fireplace. Under control? focused,
understood, and used. It's like a fire in the
fireplace that brings light and warmth. And so
what we wanna talk in this session about is,
well, how do you do that? How do you make anger
work for you? And I just touched on it. I wanna
go through the A, B, C, Ds of anger. And as we
do that, I'm gonna ask you to pull back in your
memory my aha moment. I actually learned this.
Sometimes God does something. And you have this
aha moment. And what I've learned to do is say,
God, how did you do that? Okay, I was studying
all this stuff. I came home. I was lonely, hurt,
struggling. I got mad. I didn't even know I was
mad. I went to bed. I got up and yelled at my
kids and was a jerk as a husband. Okay, then
I got, I sat in my car. I sat there for 10 minutes
and I realized I'm angry because I'm studying
this right now. And then once I acknowledged
my anger, I backtracked. to the primary emotion,
and I realized anger's not the problem. I'm sad,
I'm lonely, and I'm disappointed. And then number
three, what'd I do? I considered the cause. I
had hurt and expectations. I expected everyone,
very unrealistically, at 9 .30 to be waiting
on the edge going, Daddy's home, life's wonderful.
But I didn't think this all through. And then
finally, the last thing I did is I determined
how to best deal with it. And my moment of truth
was, do I sit in this car, stuff it, leak it
later, like at dinner? Hey, honey, what was happening
last night? So do you have a sleeping pill to
all the kids? You know, did you have a good day?
I did, you know, and that's what I would do.
Or do I walk in there? feel very vulnerable,
very naked, and say to my wife, I feel hurt and
lonely and disappointed because I needed you,
and you're my best friend, and you weren't available.
And I understand why, and I understand my expectations
were totally unreasonable, but I need to be around
you. By the way, I never finished that story.
I can tell you right where I was in the kitchen.
My wife put her arms around me, and she said,
hon, I understand. And you know, why don't we
just, when you get home tonight, let's take a
walk, grab a cup of coffee, and I just want to
hear what's going on. And I got this great hug.
And you know, I had a little decision that turned
an entire day, instead of stuffing anger, getting
mad, leaking later, and probably not having a
good day being mad at other people, I'd find
other people to blame. And instead, I acknowledged
my anger, A. I backtracked to the primary emotion.
B, I considered the cause, C, my expectations.
D, I determined a course of action. And in this
particular one, although I wish I could say it's,
I do it all the time, I did the right thing and
I experienced God's grace. I went from a wild
stallion out of control, make your bed, have
you had your quiet time, take out the trash,
to a father forgiven, filled with the Spirit.
reconnected with my wife and with my kids. My
anger taught me something. It helped me grow.
It also helped me realize the extent of need
that I have. And it told my wife something. A
lot of women, especially married to people that
are kind of have a lot of energy, and it let
my wife know, I really need you. I need you a
lot. And so it actually communicated love to
her. And so I'm going to encourage you that when
you get angry, and by the way, this will be very
hard for stuffers. You may need people to tell
you you're angry because you've been so trained
in stuffing it. You actually need to give them
permission that when you start behaving in certain
ways, they can say, I think you're angry. But
this can be a tremendous process. And now what
I want to do in the real practical is the who,
what, how, and when of determining how to deal
with your anger. Okay, I mean, so what do you
do? I mean, so here's the questions. You want
to ask, at who am I really angry? Myself, someone
else, the situation, or God? Now, this may sound
simple. But I expressed my anger. I thought I
was angry at my son for not, you know, having
his chores done or my daughter for not making
her bed or my wife because she had the audacity
to say I'm being unreasonable with the kids.
But that's not who I was angry at. And until
you get clear on who you're angry at, you can't
deal with it rightly and you can't heal. My friend,
Dr. Becca Johnson, in her counseling, tells the
story of a young woman who was date raped, been
in counseling for a long time, and was not making
progress. And she said, you know, had a breakthrough
in one of the sessions, and this young woman
discovered that her anger's focus was really
not so much on the perpetrator, but she was mad
at herself. And she was taking on the guilt,
which is not uncommon with rape victims. It was,
why did I ever go out with that guy? I saw a
little red flag. I mean, obviously, nothing.
And so she was blaming herself, mad at herself.
And it wasn't until she realized, you know what,
I'm angry with me, that then she could say, now,
wait a second. Are you responsible when people
hold you down and do unmentionable things? No.
See, until you understand who you're angry at,
you have a hard time dealing with what are the
real issues. And we believe a lot of lies. By
the way, you know, we do a series on spiritual
warfare. If you think this isn't an arena where
the enemy, he's a liar, he's a condemner, he's
an accuser. In fact, the key passage is what?
Be angry, yet don't sin. Don't let the sun go
down on the anger. Why? Lest you give the devil
a foothold. So a lot of these, when you have
unresolved anger, there's all kind of Christians
that never think there's demonic, satanic, powerful
forces. He doesn't need to have things move in
your house or scare you to death. If he has you
believing a lie about condemnation and ruining
your present relationships, I mean, why should
he show you himself when he has you buffaloed
now? And by the way, some of you are starting
to deal with anger issues and starting to talk
about things and it gets really hard and really
difficult and really threatening. I got news
for you. There is huge spiritual opposition about
you doing and obeying and listening what we're
talking about. It's a stronghold. So the first
thing you need to find out is who are you angry
at? I have a very, very close friend, godly young
woman, known for years. And about every six months
to 13 months, she has a complete meltdown. She's
been single. She's now in her late 40s and attractive,
bright, all the things you would ever think.
And she, I mean, gets depressed. Just, it took
about five years to realize and for her to admit
she's mad at God. She's really mad at God. Why
haven't you brought someone into my life? And
she has some really warped views of God. And
so she thinks God is punishing her. And she has
a lot of things. But until she came to the point
where she realized she wasn't mad at these guys
who asked you out once, these guys that once
you get sort of serious, back away. She wasn't
mad that Christian guys seemed to be. She had
her anger in all kind of different areas. She
finally realized, I'm mad at God. And by the
way, at least from the book of Job and from the
Psalms, God doesn't seem to be too upset when
people are honest and candid and angry with him
in order to get to the heart of issues. He can
handle it. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted.
He's near to those who are crushed in spirit.
He's near to those to come him in truth. Isaiah,
quoting God, says, call to me, present your cause.
that you might be proved right. God longs more
than anything else for us to be honest and come
to him with the raw pain and the hurt that we
have. You're listening to Living on the Edge.
Before we continue today's program, let me ask
you, is anger devastating your relationships
with your family, spouse, or coworkers? Join
us after Chip's message to learn more about our
valuable small group resource for this series.
Stick around to discover how to confront this
powerful emotion and harness it for good. But
for now, here again is Chip to continue today's
message. So number one, as you go through this,
you acknowledge your anger, you're backtracking,
then you want to say, well, who am I mad at?
Second, what should I do? Right? Okay. And I've
discovered who I'm mad at. Well, it's my spouse.
It's one of my kids. It's me. It's God. Well,
what should I do? Express it directly or release
it indirectly? Do I confront the situation or
do I conceal it? Will my plans make matters worse
or make them better? This is where I'm going
to ask Dr. Becca Johnson. She says it in two
paragraphs because this is critical. What do
you do when you realize, A, you're angry, and
B, you're angry at someone? Do you directly go
at it and deal with it? And when do you not?
She writes, when we find ourselves in an unwanted
situation with angry feelings, we basically have
two choices. Do I express my feelings directly
to the person or do I release them indirectly
through various activities? Dealing with it directly
means choosing to confront the situation. We
try and change it. We act rather than acquiesce.
We take action and appropriately let the person
involved know about our anger and its root emotions,
what contributed to their existence and what
we would like to be different. It's best to express
ourselves clearly without blaming or attacking.
We let our anger be known, but in ways we previously
discussed. I feel blank when you blank. I wish
you would versus demand. We get it out wisely
and carefully. never impulsively or without consideration
of the consequences and the causalities. Dealing
with our anger indirectly gives us more options.
Sometimes it's best to accept things the way
they are, conform, and not to share our anger
with those involved, conceal. But it's important
to make sure our motivation isn't from an uncomfortable
situation. We choose this option not by default
or out of hopelessness, but out of a calculated
conclusion that it would be best not to stir
the waters or rock the boat at this particular
time in this particular situation. Wisdom sometimes
demands that we choose not to provoke or reprove
someone when past history or other circumstances
dictate it to be an unwise practice. Sometimes
we have to find a new job. do business with a
different company, discontinue an unhealthy relationship.
We choose not to confront but to quit. We should
consider this only after we've weighed all other
options carefully and determined that letting
go is the best course of action. Does that make
sense? See, there's times where you work for
a boss and he's making sexual advances. I feel
uncomfortable when you make jokes like that.
and they continue to make sexual advances, and
you understand that your role in the company
is of the kind that there may be a time there's
someone you're to report this to, and you need
to directly say, this is the way it is, and understand
the consequences. There's other times where maybe
it's a different situation, and you realize no
matter what you do, you're powerless. Your role
in the company, your role in the relationship,
you've said it 78 times. It's the 79th. Nothing
has changed. You're trying to reprove a mocker,
and you realize, you know something? All it will
do is inflame the problem. I've prayed about
it. I'm willing. I'm not uncomfortable. I would
do it. And you pray, and God says, you know something?
This is not one. Don't go down this road again.
How many times do you need to knock your head
against that wall for that bump on your head
to get bigger and bigger and more painful and
realize on this one, you know what? You know,
there was a time, what did Jesus say to some
of the disciples? You know, get the dust off
your feet, move on to the next town. You don't
always have the ability and sometimes it's not
God's will to resolve everything with everyone.
You do the best you can as far as it depends
on you. And that's why, by the way, we have a
Holy Spirit. He will show you, if you're willing
and open, what to do in various situations. The
third issue is not only the who or the what,
but the how. How do I deal with the situation?
Should I do it in person? Should I do it on the
phone? Should I do it through a letter? How do
you know what to do? I would say, The best way,
if at all possible, is in person. It's the hardest
way, but that's the best way. Because one, you
can read the body language. And the goal is you
speak the truth in love. I feel hurt. I feel
disappointed. I felt used when... And really,
you get to express your anger to a person when
your motive is, I love them and I want to restore
the relationship. Not, this will make me feel
better because I'm getting vengeance. The goal
of most anger is vengeance. And so you need to
forgive the person, right? I'm gonna release
you. That's what forgiveness is all about. I'm
gonna be merciful to you the way God has been
merciful to me, but I'm not gonna be a doormat.
So I'm gonna tell you, I feel this way when you
do this, but I'm doing it not because I can guarantee
the result. It's because I love you. and you
need to know the truth and the truth will set
you free and I'm not going to sit on this and
bury this and stuff this and pretend that things
are okay and have an inauthentic relationship.
And so in person is usually the best way. But
sometimes because of how the person might respond,
you might say, well, gosh, I did that once and
that's how when they rewired my jaw, right? Or
I did that once and it was, and so maybe a letter
is the best way to go. to a person that whether
they're dead or whether it would be totally inappropriate
and you know the response to write a very specific
letter, I feel blank when you and because you
and you write it out and list it out and you
get it out here. I remember a time where the
long story, I won't go into it, but I was, a
guy called me under the premise of something
and was trying to trap me and recorded the conversation
trying to make me say something bad about someone
else and then never played it but told people
I had said things. And, you know, I was pretty
young, you know, I was like 38 and I was livid.
I mean, I was just, I found out about, I mean,
livid. I mean, I had anger fantasies. You know?
Like pretending terrible things happened to him
and saying, such does the Lord, you know? And
I was eating up and I couldn't sleep and I was
angry. And I remember eating lunch with a fellow
pastor, a really godly guy. And he said, you
know what, Chip, you need to do, you need to
write that guy a letter. You need to get it all
out. You need to get it really straight. And
man, there's a brother that really loves me.
And so, man, I did. And I wrote it all out, wrote
it all out, wrote it out. And he said, let me
read that thing. And he read it all. He goes,
wow. So the motivation for this letter was, well,
Man, this guy did this terrible stuff and he
needs to know. So the motivation is justice,
right? And then I noticed that there's some little
innuendo here, except it's not very innuendo.
It's like you're kind of, you're really slamming
this guy. That's true. Well, okay, it's true.
But so you really want to pay him back. I don't
know if I'd call it that. That sounds too much
like vengeance and that sounds like something
only God should do. And anyway, I wrote that
letter. And he said, why don't you try rewriting
it again when you feel like the goal of the letter
was to restore his relationship to God and his
relationship to you. And it took me three or
four days before I could get to where I was willing
to do that. I eventually did it. I wrote out
a letter. And then he challenged me. He said,
you know what I encourage you to do? Why don't
you take that letter, put it in an envelope,
and put it in your briefcase? And why don't you
sit on it for 30 days? And I did. And all the
venom, all the junk, all the injustice, then
God began to speak to me. And then in that particular
case, that letter became just a little monument
of, God, I'm going to trust my reputation to
you. At the end of it, the core of my anger was
not what he did. The core of my anger was I was
zealous for my reputation. I was zealous for
what people might think. And for me, it was a
step of faith to say, I'm going to entrust that
to you, Lord. And I watched after years later,
God took care of all of that. I never sent the
letter. There's a time to send a letter. There's
a time not to send the letter. For some of you,
you write a letter and you have a good friend
look at it and help you process. But there's
some people in this room, I guarantee, that have
10, 20, 30, 40 years of pain and resentment that's
buried toward parents or people or someone who
walked out on you that is unresolved and it's
been a poison in your soul. And you need to sit
down maybe this afternoon and write a two or
three page letter of what they did, how you actually
felt, how angry you really felt, the negative
impact and consequences it's had on your life,
and you get down to the end, and then by the
grace of God, when you can say it and mean it,
and I forgive you. This is Living on the Edge
with Chip Ingram, and you've been listening to
part one of Chip's message, Turning Anger from
a Foe to a Friend, from our series, Overcoming
Emotions That Destroy. Chip will be back shortly
to share some helpful application for us to think
about. Have you ever been told you have an anger
problem? Has your temper damaged or ruined a
meaningful relationship? Are the frustrations
of daily life weighing you down? Well let's be
honest. Everyone struggles to control this powerful
emotion at times. In this series, Chip reveals
the common ways anger manifests and shares practical
biblical solutions to rein it in before it destroys
you and your most treasured relationships. Don't
miss How to Be, as Jesus said, angry without
sinning. Chip's back in studio with me now, and
Chip, throughout the series, you've really stressed
this idea of anger being an ally. And, you know,
that's so interesting to me because that's not
at all how I think about anger. Well, Dave, you're
not alone on that one. I think most people believe.
that anger is bad, that it's always sinful. And
the truth is, it's a neutral emotion. I mean,
God wants to use anger for good as much as all
the bad that comes out of it. And I think what
happens is until you get in a group of people
and discuss it and shine the light on where you're
angry and why and how it can be used for good,
it's pretty tough to discover these things on
your own. That's right. It just feels like this
is one of those topics that's best suited to
be unpacked and discussed, as you say, in the
container of a small group. Would you agree?
Yeah, I really do. In fact, there's a group of
guys and they all came out of the Celebrate Recovery
journey. And they were involved in various addictions
and, you know, they own their stuff and have
been in this together, about six or seven of
them. And they talked about how they went through
a number of our small group resources. And it
was like. We took our 12 steps to step number
13 and 14. And it was just so exciting because
they said so many of us were stuck or, you know,
we got involved in things because we were hurt
or we were damaged or we were abused or we abused
substances. And you know what? There is healing.
Confess your sins to one another that you might
be healed. But that healing is always around
truth. And I think this is one of those issues
that the anger is. sort of at the very top, and
it's like that tip of the iceberg. And when you
begin to discuss those things in a safe environment
around truth, healing very deeply to the core
of our being can occur. And that's why we created
a small group resource. That's right, Chip. So
if you want to get your hands on this valuable
resource, visit livingontheedge .org. Dig into
this study with a group of friends and uncover
how anger may be impacting you and what you can
do to harness it to grow spiritually, emotionally,
and relationally. Get your hands on the overcoming
emotions that destroy small group today by going
to livingontheedge .org or by calling 888 -333
-6003. App listeners tap special offers. Well,
with that, here's Chip to share his application.
As we close today's program, I'll remind you
of the little story that I compared anger to
a wild stallion. You know, there's nothing wrong
with the horse, but out of control, dangerous,
under control, useful. That's your anger. Anger
is not bad. It is not sinful. It is not wrong.
It is a neutral emotion that can be used for
great good. or great damage. And most of us really
have no idea how angry we are. And then we talked
about, you know, the very specific game plan
of be sure you know who you're angry at, what
you should do, and then how to deal with the
situation. Well, I have a friend I was visiting,
and we're good buddies, and he's a fellow pastor.
And we were talking, and he went through a huge
leadership issue in his church. I mean, just
one of those deals that as a pastor, you just
wake up one day and you go, what in the world
happened? And then he talked to me. Apparently,
I dropped him this book in the mail a year or
so ago. And he said, I started reading this book.
And he said, I realized some of the big issues.
I mean, bad things were happening out there and
some ungodly things. He said, I never in my life
thought I was angry. He said, I realized I had
major anger issues, but I was a push him downer
and a leaker. And then I began to see how that
had infected the leadership culture. He said,
I read that book. God did something crazy. And
then pretty soon I was sharing it in counseling.
He told me, Chip, he said, I just said, I forget
it. I bought a case of these things. He says,
what I do now is I get in counseling. I realize
they got an anger issue. I say, you know what?
Let's stop the counseling. Go ahead, read this
book. Come back in a couple of weeks. And he
said, thanks a lot. you've helped me out. So
all I can tell you is, you know, even pastors,
we just, people that we all think are so godly
and so wonderful, and they are, but anger is
one of those issues that most of us have thought
is so bad, or we don't think we have an anger
issue at all. We never realize that God wants
to use it for good. How about you? What do you
need to do with your anger? Let's get out of
the denial. Why don't you pray honestly? God,
show me. Show me where I'm angry and how I can
deal with it. And I'll tell you what, he'll meet
you. Great encouragement, Chip. Thanks. Be sure
to join us next time as Chip continues his series,
Overcoming Emotions That Destroy. Until then,
I'm Dave Drewy saying thanks for listening to
this edition of Living on the Edge.