Anger is a secondary emotion. Now what I mean
by that is your problem is not anger. It's like
an iceberg. Anger is the tip that reveals something
deeper inside. Many people spend their whole
life trying to overcome their anger. It never
works because it's not the real issue. If you
want to learn what the real issue is, stay with
me. Thanks for listening to this edition of Living
on the Edge with Chip Ingram. We are an international
teaching and discipleship ministry that encourages
and equips Christians to live like Christians.
Well, this program we're picking up in our series,
Overcoming Emotions That Destroy, with the second
half of Chip's message, Why We All Struggle With
Anger. But before he gets going, to help you
continue to get the most out of this series,
let me encourage you to download Chip's message
notes. They contain his outline, scripture references,
and much more. You can get them by going to the
broadcasts tab at livingontheedge .org. App listeners
tap fill in notes. All right, without any further
delay, here's Chip with the remainder of his
insightful talk. Okay, anger is a secondary emotion.
We got it. It's an iceberg up here. Underneath,
you have unmet needs, hurt. There's two more.
The second, the second reason. that we bolt to
anger is frustration. Frustration is real or
perceived unmet expectations. The distance between
what you expect to happen and what really happens,
if it's a little, we call it frustration. If
you expect this to happen and this is your experience,
that's anger. If you expect this to happen and
this happens, you are super ticked off. A lot
of your anger is built into expectations. And
by the way, this comes as a surprise. People
actually cannot read your mind. You have... I
mean, you have expectations. They're in your
head. People don't know that they're there. You
were raised in a certain way, and your expectation
is things should be clean like this. You have
expectations of what people should do, what they
shouldn't do, what they should say, what they
should never say, how they should drive, how
they should treat people. And they ought and
should and always should never do certain things.
And when people violate those, you get mad. And
often, you don't know even why you're mad. Proverbs
14, 29. It says, a patient man has great understanding,
but a quick -tempered man displays folly. Anger
is inseparably linked to our expectations. I
can remember a time... I was in the Philippines,
we were doing ministry and it was a basketball
ministry and we were there for three weeks and
we were out in the boonies. And I mean, like
the most wonderful thing about every three days,
you would go into a little room if they had it,
it would be ice cold water and you got to pour
it over your head with a bar of soap and you
would get a bowl of rice. And we played three
games a day and it was our winter, so it was
their summer. And so it was like 98 degrees,
101 % humidity. I mean, you'd lose about 10,
12 pounds a day in sweat. And so then we got
back to Manila, and we're ready to head home,
and they had a coup. They have lots of coups
in the Philippines, and they shut down all the
airlines. No one can leave the country. I said,
no, no, you don't understand. I have a wife and
three children. And they said, well, maybe in
three months we'll open this up. I said, you
really don't understand. I have to get back.
And I mean, we're praying and praying and praying
and praying and praying. And the president or
someone says, okay, we're gonna let some of the
people out of the country. We get on a crowded
plane for 17 hours, no food, no bowl of rice.
I'm the happiest person you've ever seen in your
life. I love this. This is great. Can I help
you serve the water that's warm to other passengers?
I just wanna help, stewardess. This is awesome.
I love it, okay? Picture number one. Picture
number two. I'm with my family, and we were trying
to save money. And so to save money, we had one
of those very nonstop flights. And so we got
on, and it was on time. And I had three rather
smaller kids at the time, and they gave us peanuts
and 7 -Up. And then we waited for an hour and
a half. We got peanuts and pretzels on the next
trip. Then we had just peanuts. Then we had pretzels
and water. And it was about a seven -hour trip.
It was exactly on time. It was exactly what they
promised. And I was so ticked off at the end
of that day. Why? I got something to eat. I had
a clean seat. It took about four or five hours
total instead of 16. When I was in the Philippines,
my expectations were, if I can just get out of
here, it'll be awesome. Happy camper. When I'm
in America, I want, they said, a light snack.
How is peanuts and 7 -Up a light snack? Give
me a break. I mean, like a little dinky sandwich
or something. I got three kids, man. They're
just vomiting all over the back seat. They're
going crazy. They're fighting with one another.
Pretzels, peanuts, pretzels, peanuts. Give me
a break. Right? Expectations. Notice the biblical
example here we have in Naaman. But Naaman became
furious, 2 Kings 5, 11 and 12. Remember him?
He wanted to be healed. And they said, well,
go to the prophet in Israel. Man, God's doing
great miraculous things through him. So he comes
to the prophet, and the prophet tells him to
go wash in the river. And Naaman's furious and
went away and said, indeed, I said to myself,
he will surely come out. These are his expectations.
Speaking of Elijah, he'll surely come out, stand
and call on the name of the Lord his God and
wave his hand over this place and heal the leprosy.
And then he names a couple of his rivers in his
hometown. And he said, aren't those waters better
than any in Israel? Could I not wash in them
and be clean? So he turned away in a rage. Isn't
that interesting? He came to the prophet. He
has expectations. If he does this, there's a
few little spiritual words, but instead the prophet
goes, tell you what, why don't you go down to
this river, dip seven times, six won't work,
and you'll be healed. How many times have you
told God the way he has to work in your life?
How many times have your expectations for other
people about how they have to respond, when they
have to respond? How many times is life not fair?
You know, I expected my marriage to be trouble
-free. Right? I expected when my kids got to
be 20 or 22 to 23, 24 years old, and they were
really grown, my major parenting wouldn't be
done. Right? You know, I expected when I worked
really hard, trusted God, gave generously, tried
to stay in shape, I wouldn't be the one to get
in cancer. But God was in charge, Naaman, go
do it this way. So much of our anger is this
distance between what we experience and these
unconscious expectations that we have. Notice
in 1 Chronicles 15, 29, it happened as the Ark
of the Covenant of the Lord came to the city
of David that Michal, Saul's daughter looked
through a window and saw the king whirling and
playing music, and she despised him in her heart.
Her experience and expectations were, kings always
act this way. His behavior is embarrassing me.
Therefore, she bolted to anger, and the result,
she despised him. What expectations for those
of you who are married do you have of your mate
that you just assume are from God and are right
and are really from your family background and
origin, that they do things differently than
you expect and you have this resentment in your
heart? See, this anger stuff really deals with
deep transformational issues from the inside
out. Let me give you a tool. This is... how to
communicate your frustration. It's the I desire
versus I demand expectations. And here's what
happens is when you can change what your expectations
are, they become a demand. They basically become
it ought, it should, it always, it never. When
you hear yourself saying those words, those are
demands. Life ought to be fair. My kids ought
to call. My marriage should be fulfilling all
the time. I ought to make more money. I should
have been promoted. Ought, should, always, never
are demand statements. By the way, some of you
make those on yourself. I ought to be perfect.
I ought to keep the house clean all the time.
I should never bloat at work. I should always
have every project done on time, always. And
so some of you are mad at yourselves. You know
what? I got news for you. There's only one Jesus,
and you ain't it. You're not going to be perfect,
right? And so you have this anger. What would
happen? Here's the difference. Here's the tool.
You start, and I actually have to write these
down. I have to write everything down. I'm a
little slow. I desire to have a fulfilling and
deep marriage, even in a fallen world. I desire
and long to have a deep, wonderful relationship
with my grown kids, even though now with their
own kids and lifestyles, they don't respond as
quickly as I would like. I wish, I desire, I
long for, Lord, I hope. You see the difference?
So when you have a desire that doesn't come through,
you have disappointment. And everyone has disappointment.
When you make a demand and it doesn't come through,
you have anger. And so many of your anger issues
and my anger issues are rooted in unconscious
expectations that you don't even know that are
there. Number three, insecurity, real or perceived
attack on my worth. Often anger is merely an
evidence of insecurity in my life. The tip of
the iceberg is anger. It's the red light. flashing
on the dashboard of my soul. Option number one,
it may be hurt. The tool is I feel messages.
Option number two, it might be unmet needs as
a result of unrealistic perceived or real expectations.
The tool is I desire versus I demand. You're
listening to Living on the Edge. Before we hear
the rest of Chip's message, let me remind you
that we are a listener -supported ministry. Your
financial gifts help us create programs like
this one, develop new resources, and encourage
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us today. Then go to livingontheedge .org to
give a gift. Thanks so much for your help. We'll
hear again as Chip. The third possibility is
basically insecurities or real or perceived personal
attack on my worth. Proverbs 15 .1, a gentle
answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs
up anger. What does a harsh word do? What does
criticism do? What does someone calling you a
name do? What does someone cutting in front of
you and making a gesture do? What does someone
attacking you do? That harsh word, it stirs up
anger. Why? Because your personhood has been
attacked. Your value has been attacked. And sometimes
your safety has been attacked and anger is probably
a very wise and good response. Proverbs 18, 19
says, an offended brother is more unyielding
than a fortified city and disputes are like the
barred gates of a citadel. Why? An offended brother,
when you attack or when you attack, when your
personhood, when your security is attacked, I'll
tell you what, the bars go up. Again, let me
read a quick overview of this that I think puts
it more succinctly than I can. When we feel threatened,
we tend to call a red alert. Unfortunately, we
usually do it automatically without properly
assessing the risk. We do it over small, insignificant
things as well as big, overwhelming issues. Whether
the impending intruder is a mouse or a monster,
we gear up for action with almost the same intensity.
We get fuming mad when a stranger flips us off
on the highway, when our spouse has been unfaithful,
when the store clerk makes a rude comment, when
the boss takes credit for all the work that we
did, when there's a long line at the bank, and
when we discover our teenager stole some money.
We need to stop and assess the situation before
we blast in with heavy artillery. I came to a
little window, and I've shared this before, and
I shared it when we started, is that I believe
that everybody is desperately insecure. If you
study Genesis chapter 3, you'll find that when
sin entered the world, a new pattern occurred.
God calls out, Adam, where are you? Adam's response
is, I heard you coming, therefore I was afraid.
Why? Sin had entered, he now sees he's inadequate.
He's self -conscious for the first time. That
inadequacy produces fear rooted in shame, therefore
I hid. Inadequacy or insecurity creates a fear
of others seeing me as I am, and so I hide. Paul
Tournier wrote a little book that had a fabulous
impact on my life called The Strong and the Weak.
Swiss psychologist, translated from French to
English. And he interviewed all these people
in his practice and basically realized that everyone's
desperately insecure. Some people have strong
reactions. They power up. They yell. They scream.
They tell you how many people report to them,
how much money they make, where they live, where
their zip code is, what they drive. And they
do that to keep a distance, and it works. Other
people feel desperately insecure, and they use
weak reactions. They look at the floor. They're
shy. They withdraw. They tell you all their problems.
They're like a victim. And after you hear the
sad story the seventh time, you kind of see them
in church and say, I think I'll use the other
hallway. Both keep people at a distance. When
I discovered, you know what, Ingram? You're going
to be insecure the rest of your life. Your only
security is in Christ. It removes the threat.
Why should I care if someone I don't know flips
me off in the highway? I mean, who's this guy?
My angry response when my security is threatened
tells me a lot more about the level of insecurity
I have than the stupidity of the driver that
just did that. When someone says a harsh word
and my immediate reaction, hey, what'd you say?
Where's that coming from? Why am I bolting to
anger? It's because I feel exposed. When they
criticize my project, why do I get so defensive?
Well, because it's really an attack on me. Do
you get it? Notice in scripture here, we've got
a couple good examples of both Saul and the Jewish
leaders. You know the story, right? David has
now killed Goliath. Saul has put him over the
army and we can pick up the story. So David went
wherever Saul sent him and he behaved wisely
and Saul sent him out, men of war. He was accepted
in the sight of all the people and also Saul's
servants. And it happened that as they were coming
home, that David was returning and they began
to sing this song. Saul has slain his thousands
and David his 10 ,000s. And Saul hears this.
And instead of saying, wow, I must be a great
delegator. I'm really looking to build a legacy.
I'm empowering other people. And the goal, it's
God's Israel. We are making real progress. He's
threatened. He thinks, uh -oh, I'm the king.
And it says, then Saul was very angry and the
saying displeased him. They have ascribed to
David 10 ,000 and to me 1 ,000. Now what more
can he have but the kingdom? There's a very insecure
man. at the success of other people. The same
thing happens in the religious leaders. You pick
up the story in Acts 5, and through the hands
of the apostles, signs and wonders are being
done. They're done with one accord on Solomon's
porch, yet none of the rest dared join them,
but the people esteemed them highly. And the
believers were increasing, and the Lord added
to the multitudes of men and women, so that they
brought the sick into the streets and laid them
on beds and couches, and even in the least of
Peter's shadow passing by might fall on some
of them. And so the multitudes gathered from
the surrounding cities of Jerusalem, and they
brought the sick and those who were tormented
by unclean spirits and they were all healed.
God's doing this miraculous thing as he bursts
the church and here's religious leaders and they
saw what they did to Jesus. They have all this
scripture and instead of saying, wow, I guess
we were wrong. He must be the Messiah. I mean,
this is pretty heavy duty stuff. Everyone's healed.
Demons are flying out. What's their response?
Then the high priest rose up and all those that
were with him. which is the sect of the Sadducees,
and they were filled with indignation. And they
laid their hands on the apostles and put them
in the common prison. And I just want to suggest
to you that when your reaction is very strong,
very defensive, when you respond to criticism
in a way that, and you may stuff it strongly,
you may spew it, or you may find yourself leaking
it out, what if? What if you said, wait a second,
does this person's opinion really matter that
much? Am I going to give this person's view of
me an overriding power to determine who I am
instead of who God says I am? So much of our
anger is not just hurt. and not just frustration,
but we're basically insecure people. And when
our security or our self -worth gets attacked,
we bolt to anger because I will tell you, it's
threatening, isn't it? The tool here is the kind
of ask yourself question, why am I feeling threatened?
And here's the little questions, you know, it's
a process, but you ask yourself, what is being
attacked? Who is attacking me? Is the threat
menial? or meaningful, and whose approval am
I seeking? And, you know, you just start asking
that, and you realize, you know, that's a fellow
employee. He's been here two months. He's rude.
He's got a big ego. He criticized me. I wanted
to punch his lights out. I mean, that was my
initial reaction, but he's really big, so I think
I'll not go there, and it would not be a very
good testimony. But you have these thoughts,
you know, and then you just realize, this is
silly. I don't need that person's approval. I
got criticized. She criticized me in the car.
You know what? We've been married 27 years. I
think I can find where we're supposed to go.
I got a GPS. I can see where the little spaces
are. There's one over there. There's one over
there. Why do you get so angry? Woman, I can
tell you I can find empty parking spots. You
understand? Zip it. Here's some duct tape, you
know? Ask yourself, guys, what is it about that
that makes you so angry? It has nothing to do
with parking spots. It's my ego is being threatened
and somehow I'm being made to feel by that comment
that I'm not smart enough to figure it out. Right?
Now, there's two applications here, ladies. And
the other application is guys. You know what?
Thanks, son. I'll get a little help. Right? See.
When you can begin to understand that defensiveness,
that bolt to anger, how many of you have had
arguments like that? I mean, great morning with
the Lord on your way to church, and over a parking
lot, I mean, the Spirit of God leaves the room,
right? In summary, the first step in overcoming
the destructive power of anger, and write this
word, is the courage to look below the surface.
I had the aha moment of my life, and it changed
my life. When I realize sitting for 10 minutes
in a car, the problem's not anger. I'm hurt.
Since then, I've learned, you know, it's not
hurt. I'm frustrated. I had expectations of when
this would be done or what people would do or
what I expected of myself. And you know something?
I'm not hitting those. Now, sometimes I just
need to accept that, confess my sin, plan better.
And other times it's, you know, it's a fallen
world. Everyone gave it their best shot. This
is just where we're at. And finally, I just have
to accept a lot of the anger I have is people
attack my personhood, and I'm either going to
respond in defensiveness and anger and in like
manner, or I'm going to ask a few questions like,
who's being attacked? What are they really attacking?
Is this really worth dealing with? And do they
really have the power to define who I am? Anger
is the light on the dashboard. Anger is our way
of protecting ourselves from painful, hard -to
-deal -with hurts, frustrations, and insecurities.
Anger has many faces, and despite its power for
good, it will destroy unless we, and this is
what we're going to look at next time, we call
it the ABCDs. You know, I want to give you a
very clean process to look under the hood. It
will be acknowledge your anger, backtrack to
the first emotion, consider the real cause, and
then to determine how to rightly respond. You're
listening to Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.
And the message you just heard, why we all struggle
with anger, is from our series, Overcoming Emotions
That Destroy. Chip will join us in studio to
share some insights from today's talk in just
a minute. Anger has always been seen as a wrong,
unhealthy feeling. But what if I told you that
this emotion is a signal of a deeper problem
we need to be aware of? And if channeled correctly,
anger could actually be used for good. Well,
in this 10 -part series, Chip uncovers the root
of anger in our lives and explains how we can
turn our most intense frustrations into a valuable
asset. So if you're desperate to better understand
this emotion and have control over it, you're
not going to want to miss a single program. Chip's
back in studio with me now with a quick word
for all of you. I'll be right back to talk about
today's message. But before I do, I want to give
you a picture that I got to witness as a young
pastor. There was a man there who was a master
craftsman. I mean, he was a cabinetmaker. par
excellence. And I remember watching him literally
painstakingly with a piece of wood, use a lathe,
and little by little by little by little, he
did all these things that I couldn't figure out
what was happening. And then, you know, all those
little moments led to this absolutely beautiful
piece of cabinetry or furniture. And, you know,
sometimes we think little things don't matter,
even calling them little things. And one of the,
quote, little things that is the backbone of
living on the edge are those people who support.
the ministry monthly. You know, I don't know
if you are a current supporter or you've been
praying about being a supporter, but let me tell
you this. When you give monthly, it provides
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So I want to thank you, monthly partners, for
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ask God, do you want me to support Living on
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way, thanks in advance for whatever God leads
you to do. Thanks, Chip. As you prayerfully consider
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gift today by going to livingontheedge .org or
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or visit livingontheedge .org. App listeners
tap donate. Well, here again is Chip. As we close
today's program, I want to do a quick review,
and then let's leave with one very specific application.
Number one, anger is a secondary emotion. It
is not the issue. Second, there are three primary
reasons why we get angry. First is hurt. Second
is frustration. And third is insecurity. Now,
I gave very specific tools. to help you kind
of look under the surface with each one of those.
Here's all I want you to do today. Anytime you
get angry, I mean, down to little frustrations,
driving home from work, a red light, too much
noise, one of the kids screams, I don't know,
you know, someone tells something you know it's
not true. Anytime you begin to feel angry feelings,
I want you to ask the question, why am I angry?
Did someone hurt me? Well, maybe or maybe not.
Is it a blocked goal? So is it frustration? Or
was it personal attack, insecurity? Just get
your arms around one of those three things and
let's take some baby steps together about acknowledging
that we are angry, get to the root cause, and
God will begin to help you deal with anger in
a very powerful way. Good word, Chip. As we close,
do you want to deepen your connection to God
amid your busy life? Then take Chip with you
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For Chip and the entire team, this is Dave Drewing,
thanking you for listening to this edition of
Living on the Edge, and I hope you'll join us
again next time.