Do you know someone that needs to tame their
temper? You have tried to help them overcome
the cycle of destructive reactions and explosive
responses, but you just don't know how to help
them? If you know someone or you yourself have
an issue with anger, stay with us. Welcome to
this edition of Living on the Edge with Chip
Ingram. Our mission is to inspire Christians
to be genuine followers of Jesus and to empower
them to be active disciple makers in our world.
Well, today we're continuing our series, Overcoming
Emotions That Destroy, as Chip shares a profound
truth that can actually loosen the grip of anger
over our lives. So with that, grab your notes
and Bible as we settle in for Chip's talk, Why
We All Struggle With Anger. Anger is a secondary
emotion. why we all struggle with anger. I have
to start, but I got to tell you a story. It's
a true story, unfortunately. But I'm studying
and I'm preaching this material for the first
time ever. So all week I'm studying, studying,
studying. It happens to be about a Tuesday night
and I'm preparing for this. And all I can tell
you, I won't give you all the details, but have
you ever had one of those days where you just
felt beat up? I mean, you know, this phone call
and this person complains and you get a bad look
from someone and this was planned and it didn't
come through and beat up, beat up, beat up. Kind
of the projects weren't going well. It wasn't
bad. No one treated me terribly, but I had one
of those moments inside where I just couldn't
wait to get home. And at our house, we ate dinner
at 5 .30 and I just made that a practice that
apart from a very rare exception, we just ate
together. And but now and then there would be
something that, you know, a big meeting. And
so I wouldn't. And so it's about nine o 'clock
and I'm driving home and I'm thinking, I just
cannot wait to talk to Teresa. And I don't have
anything big to say. And I mean, if I was really
honest, I want I want to walk in the door and
go, oh, honey, it's so good to see you. How'd
your day go? Is everything OK? I mean, that's
really unconsciously. That's sort of what I'm.
wanting. And then Ryan was sort of a real young
guy back then. He was about in his senior year
of high school, and he always wanted to, you
know, play some ball or talk or goof off. And
Annie was this little, you know, cute girl, about
10, 11 years old or so. And so in my mind, I'm
going to go home, and I'm going to see him. And
I don't know what happened. I walk in the house.
It's like 9 30. It's dark. I mean, the whole
house is dark. I don't know if everybody had
a... big day, a bad day. And so I'm thinking,
well, Teresa's probably laying in bed quietly
waiting for me to walk in to say, oh, honey,
how did your day go? So I walk in. I'm waiting
for that. And I hear, you know, that rhythmic
breathing. So, okay, plan A doesn't work. I'm
going to go to plan B. Ryan, I mean, he's 17
years old. It's 930. Are you kidding me? The
kid can't be asleep. What? What, did he have
a hard practice? He's gone. Well, Annie's already
been gone. All I can tell you is I just bolted
to anger. And I was mad. You know, I think I
made some popcorn, got a glass of orange juice,
45 minutes of ESPN. I worked really hard today,
kind of bummed out. Now, I didn't know I was
mad. Okay? I just felt something's wrong. I didn't
know. And I went to bed. And there's some verses
about going to bed when you don't know you're
mad. It doesn't get better. It grows. But a disconnect
occurs. Often, you have emotional feelings and
respond in ways you make no connection. I had
no idea. So I get up the next morning, amazingly,
in a bad mood. Imagine that. So I can still remember.
I can picture it right now. I'm coming around
the corner. As I walk out, Annie's coming out
of her room, little 11 -year -old. I look in
there. Annie, make your bed. Dad, I just got
up. Annie, don't talk back. Make your bed. Honey,
Aunt Teresa goes, honey, she just got up. Look,
hey, I'm the father of this house. Then Ryan
comes up. Hey, Ryan, yeah, you had your quiet
time yet? Did you do your chores yesterday? Hey,
Dad, I haven't even brushed my teeth. Hey, son,
don't talk back to me. And so I walk into the
kitchen. Teresa's doing some stuff for breakfast.
And so what happened to you? What do you mean
what happened to me? Well, you just seem really
out of sorts. Well, you know what? If I'm going
to get criticized all morning, I'm just going
to go ahead and go to the office. And literally,
I walk out the door. Now, I didn't scream. I
didn't yell. I didn't slam the door. This is
a Christian anger, all right? So I go, and I
get in my car, and I slam the door, okay? And
I start it, and I get ready to pull out, and
then I'm just thinking. Literally, I'm studying
all this stuff. Anger is a secondary emotion.
It's like the red light on the dashboard of your
soul. It tells you something's wrong under the
hood. Chip, what are you going to do with this?
And I'm thinking, I'm going to go get a cup of
coffee and get out of here. Chip, that's not
what you're supposed to do, and that's not what
you're going to tell people this weekend, is
it? No. I literally sat in my car with the car
running for 10 minutes. in this moment of, really,
what's wrong? Now, especially for men, now I'm
not going to put you other guys on the hook,
but at least for me, it's hard for me to admit,
oh, I feel sad and disappointed because my wife
wasn't awake and give me the strokes that I really
wanted. That sounds kind of like a weenie, you
know? I feel hurt and rejected because my 17
or 18 -year -old son wasn't awake to hang out
with me. And I can't think of a good reason to
be mad at my daughter, but she just says we're
in the hall at the wrong time. And I sat there
and I thought, now what am I going to do with
this? And after 10 minutes, by the grace prompting
of God, I turned off the car. I went inside.
Teresa looked at me like, you know, I wonder
if round two is coming, you know. And I said,
honey, can I get just a minute with you? She
goes, sure. I said, I realized I was angry. She
looked at me like, oh, rocket science. You're
really coming along here. And I said, honestly,
I came home last night. I really had a hard day
yesterday. I missed you. And I felt really sad
and really disappointed. And it doesn't make
sense. I felt rejected because you were asleep.
And you didn't do it on purpose. I had these
expectations, and I had this hurt. And I really
needed to talk to you, and you weren't here.
And I didn't know it, but I got mad. But it just
felt too vulnerable or like there's something
wrong with me to admit that I was really hurt
and feeling lonely. And I bolted to anger. And
I went to bed with that. I just realized that
in the car. And then I went to Ryan. I said,
Ryan, you didn't do anything wrong. I mean, you're
a great kid. I'm really sorry. And Annie, have
a great day. Dad just, it's too much to try and
explain. That changed, literally changed, a process
of the sanctification of the work of the Holy
Spirit in my life. when I saw anger is like a
red light on the dashboard of my car. And what
I realized is a lot of times what we do is we
go, oh, wow, the red light's flashing. And so
we stop the car, get in the trunk, get a hammer
out, and smash the red light. That'll take care
of that, right? Instead of when it's on the light
of the dashboard, what do we know? Something
under the hood is amiss. Something's wrong. In
your notes, I tried to lay it out a little more
systematically. It's easier to be angry than
to face the deeper issues of anger. Anger is
not the problem. It is the warning light. I came
across a quote as I worked through this. Then
Dr. Becca Johnson, she seems to say it. smarter,
clearer, and better. She says, when I was late
to pick up my son from school, I got mad at the
clock, the school, the traffic lights, my watch,
and the stupid school schedule. Before I finally
realized the real issue, I was embarrassed that
the school secretary had to call me to come and
pick up my son. When a client of mine was mad
at his boss, he realized that the strong underlying
emotions were really insecurity and fear and
not anger. When I got mad at the driver who made
a virtual gesture at me, I later realized that
the root feeling was guilt because I'd pulled
out too far in traffic and put him and me in
danger. When I got angry at a colleague for not
including me on a decision, I discovered really
my anger was covering my own hurt pride underneath.
If you and I are honest with ourselves and brave
enough to peel back the anger, we can discover
its true motivating force. When people abandon
us, let us down, when someone doesn't come through,
when we feel rejected, left out, lonely, sad,
or sorrowful. We usually cover it up with anger
because these emotions are so strong, painful,
and confusing. Anger serves as a more satisfying
substitute. Anger artificially helps us feel
in control when we're feeling out of control
and falsely helps us feel powerful when we feel
powerless. And then she goes on to highlight
some common emotions that cover anger. And just
I'll give you the sort of the quick version again
so that you'll go, oh. We often cover our anger
with when what's underneath is hurt, guilt, shame,
powerlessness, betrayal, insecurity, rejection,
dashed hopes, feeling trapped, hopelessness,
helplessness, unmet expectations, envy, jealousy,
resentment, pride, low self -esteem, failure,
sense of worthlessness, loneliness, depression,
worry, anxiety, pressured, stressed out, disappointment,
remorse, exhaustion, fatigue, and grief. I mean,
those are real things that every human being
experiences all the time in life. And what I
want to suggest is the great majority of the
time, that's not what comes up on your radar.
You get angry. Some of you, though, know that
angry is illegal, so you stuff it. And you don't
even know that those are the real issues. Some
of you stuff it for a while because you're a
Christian and you feel like blowing up is not
very healthy. Then you blow up. Other people,
you're eating because you're angry. Some of you
are taking prescription drugs because you're
angry. Some of you started off with a social
glass of wine at night, and now you have to have
two or three. And you're covering stuff inside
that God wants to heal and forgive and restore.
We learned that we spew, we stuff, and we leak.
But I want to tell you that anger is a secondary
emotion and we all struggle with it. It's the
tip of the iceberg. There are many, many underlying
causes of anger. I just read about 25 of them.
But when you pull them together, you basically
can come up with about three big categories.
We get angry as a result of unmet needs. And
I'm going to call that hurt. Because that's what
it feels like. I just feel hurt. I had a need
to talk. I had a need to get connected. I had
a need for someone to come through for me. I
had a need to be loved when I was grieving. The
second is unmet expectations. And we'll look
at each of these individually. And I just call
that frustration. I expected people to be awake.
I expect a friend to be available. I expect people
to return my calls. I expect people to do what
they said they would do. I expect people that
love me to help me when I have a need, right?
When they don't, I get mad, and so do you. The
third underlying cause is insecurity, when we're
personally attacked or threatened. And so with
that, what I'd like to do is I'd like to walk
through each of those, give you some biblical
examples, and see if we can't. Here's what I'm
going to ask you to do. I'm going to pray. that
God begins to help you have an aha experience
so that from now on, when you get angry, you'll
go, ah, this is a secondary emotion. I have bolted
to anger. I wonder, is there an unmet need or
hurt that I need to address? Is it an expectation
issue or was I personally attacked? And I'll
give you a tool for each one of these and how
to deal with it so God can use your anger to
help you instead of make you a prisoner. So with
that, let's look at hurt. Real or perceived unmet
needs. Notice Proverbs 19 .3. A man's own folly
ruins his life, yet his heart rages against the
Lord. Haven't you seen this? People make stupid,
bad, terrible decisions. You know, they drive
drunk. They do all kind of crazy stuff. They
blow up at mates. They don't care about people.
And then when life falls apart, they shake their
fist at God. How could you do this to me, God?
Because it's too scary to admit their own guilt,
their own lack, their own culpability, and take
responsibility for their bad behavior. Isn't
it insightful what Solomon has to say? A man's
own folly ruins his life, yet his heart rages
against the Lord. Notice Proverbs 27, 4, it says,
anger is cruel and fury overwhelming, but who
can stand before jealousy? So he pictures anger
as this storm and it's cruel, but he says there's
something behind it. Jealousy is rooted in hurt.
Jealousy is the fear of losing someone. The rejection
we feel when affection or attention or honor
or money goes to someone else that we think belongs
to us. And when I feel that, when I feel like,
well, my kids need to be giving me this attention,
or I should have got credit for that, and I start
to get jealous, let me show you that biblically.
Let's look at a quick picture in Scripture with
regard to the whole issue of jealousy here. Joseph
brothers, okay? You know the story. You have
the youngest son at this point. And Genesis 37
to 39 is the long story. And we pick it up in
verse four. It says, but when his brothers saw
that their father loves him more than all his
brothers, they hated him and could not speak
peaceably to him. So you have a father who is
showing partiality. He gets the nice coat. He
gets the easy job. He gets all the attention.
You have the other brothers over here, and what
are they feeling? They feel hurt. They feel rejected.
This isn't fair. So they go to their father and
say, you know, Dad, I've been reading a couple
good books on parenting. And I just really want
you to know that this type of behavior is going
to be unhealthy for Joseph, for us, and for you
as a father. And what I want you to know, what
do they do? They bolt to anger. And so what they
do is they, this is what we do. They take their
anger and their jealousy, that's the root cause,
out on not the object of it, but on the person
who's receiving the attention. Isn't that interesting?
They displaced their anger to a safer object.
Why am I yelling at my kid in the hallway for
not making his bed? Because I bolted to anger,
and I'm going to take it out in a safer place.
Joseph brothers, the lament psalms are... You
know, sometimes read these with a little less
sanctified view of how wonderful David and the
psalmist are. 25 % of all the psalms are someone
whining and complaining to God. But you know
why they're so raw? They don't cover up their
anger. You're listening to Living on the Edge.
Before we continue today's program, let me ask
you, is anger devastating your relationships
with your family, spouse, or coworkers? Join
us after Chip's message to learn more about our
valuable small group resource for this series.
Stick around to discover how to confront this
powerful emotion and harness it for good. But
for now, here again is Chip to continue today's
message. David loves God with all of his heart.
Why have you forsaken me? What's the deal? This
isn't fair. The enemies are this. You anointed
me king. I'm hiding in caves. I'm dodging spears.
I don't get it. I loved you. I risked my life.
I risked my life and I'm out doing your work
and I come back and my kids and wife and everyone,
they've been taken away and now I gotta go fight.
Where are you, God? I'm depressed. Why does my
soul, why does my soul, where is the living God?
And he pours out his lament. And when he's really
honest with his emotions in almost every lament
psalm, yet thou are enthroned on high, oh God.
You are the faithful one. And he'll get perspective
and he'll look back. You're the one that delivered
us. You're the one who's done this. You're the
one who's done this. But he takes the raw emotions
of his anger and he gets down to what the real
issues are. And then he gets back and gets God's
perspective. And then he responds differently.
Some of us don't feel like it's safe to share
with God our anger and our hurts and our frustrations.
My favorite passage in this one is Psalm 73.
I was so bummed out. I was so mad at God and
life. And I had made a commitment in college
after becoming a Christian to be sexually pure.
I decided I was going to walk with God. And that
commitment meant that I ended up breaking up
with a girlfriend. But I loved her. And I thought
she was going to be my wife. And I was playing
college basketball. And for a year and a half
after every college game, she would be at the
top of the stairs waiting for me. And we had
broken up. And time went on. It was about four
months later. And I prayed, you know, God would
change your heart. We'd get back together and
all that good stuff. And I came out of the locker
room, hair wet. And she's at the top of the stairs.
And it was like, yes, thank you, Lord. Thank
you, thank you, yes. You know, and I get to the
top of the stairs, and she kind of looks at me,
and then one of the other guards on the team
walks by, and the two of them walk out the door.
And I mean, from that doorway to my dorm room,
I was enraged. God, thank you. I really appreciate
how you treat your servants. I'm really glad
for how you bless them. I'm doing life. the way
you say, and this is what I get. And I mean,
I was just ready to can it. If this is what you
get for following you with all your heart for
staying pure, well, I'll tell you what, God,
and some of you, haven't you felt that? You know,
my finances are in order and now look what's
happening and this and that and people are getting
bailed out and this and that. And I did this
and what happened? And my husband or my wife
or one of my kids, someone walked out on them.
And you know, I was faithful and I came in on
time and now they're downsizing and I get ripped
up, right? And I remember that night saying,
God, This isn't fair. And I was angry and I opened
Psalm 73. And I read Psalm 73 and it says, my
heart was embittered. I was like a beast before
you. I was ready to give up the Christian life.
I looked at the arrogant and the evil and the
pride as their necklace and they don't have any
pain and everything goes great for them. Yet,
when I came to the sanctuary of the Lord, I perceived
their end. Then I got perspective. Their life
is like a vapor. God, in a moment, can pull out
the rug and all they have is gone and they have
no future. As for me, the nearness of God is
my good. I've made the Lord God my refuge. My
heart and my flesh may fail, but you're the strength
of my heart and my portion forever. And all I
want you to see is that underneath your anger
often, it really is. hurt. And the tool is what
I call a I feel message. I shared that Teresa
and I had a lot of struggles, and we went to
counseling, and we paid a lot of money to give
you a lot of help later. And we didn't know how.
So when she got angry, she closed down, she stuffed,
and I leaked. It's not a good combination. And
so we went to this counselor, and he realized
you guys can't You know, you can't resolve anger.
And when you do, you attack each other, which
is not good either. And so, and we did it in
real godly ways. I mean, you know, we weren't
throwers and shouters and screamers and cussers.
We just, but you know what? It just tore us apart.
And so on a three by five card, he wrote, I feel
dash when you dash. And we put that three by
five card on the refrigerator and he taught us,
this is how you communicate your hurt or your
anger. And it goes something like this. I feel
hurt when you pay more attention to the kids
than me. I feel disappointed when you don't come
home for supper and don't call. I feel rejected
when I want to be physically close to you and
you shut down emotionally. I feel angry when
you shout and yell when we talk about a sensitive
issue. And for two years, that was on our refrigerator.
And we learned to say I feel messages to one
another. And God really used it. And he used
it in an amazing, amazing way. And I would like
you to think about who might need to hear an
I feel message from you. When's the last time
you really got angry with someone or something?
And as a result of our time already, you realize
you kind of stuffed it or you sort of spewed
and that really didn't work very well. Or you
find yourself joking about the same thing, you
know, a little sarcasm, little barbs. And I'd
just like you to think about what would it be
like? What's the real issue? What's behind it?
What really bugs you? Why are you mad? Okay,
the red light, it's anger. But what's underneath
that? Who hasn't come through for you? Which
one of those grandkids after helping him go through
college doesn't write, doesn't call, and you
realize, you know, I'm just ticked off. I'm just
mad. Who at work? You know, you've helped them
get to where they are and they've made some progress
and it's like, hey, you know, it's like you don't
exist anymore. Who's one of your friends that,
you know, used to hang out with a lot and now,
you know, You know, there's sort of that unwritten
rule. If you're a really close friend and you
call, you get a call back the same day, and now
it's like four days or five days, and you don't
even get a call. You get an email. Hey, I got
your call. Thanks. I'm busy. And there's just
something that's happening inside. You understand
what I'm saying? There's something happening
inside, and it's not like you're going to go,
hey, I'd like to really confront you about our
relationship right now, okay? Coffee shop, just
you and me, man -o to man -o, woman -o to woman
-o, all right? You are not responding to my email
in a timely manner, and I feel deeply hurt. I
don't think we're going to go there. But what
it would be like to have some time together and
say, hey, could we get a cup of coffee? And just,
you know, say, you know, I sense a little drift
in our relationship. And this may sound silly,
but I feel hurt after all that we've been through
when I call and I don't get a response for three
or four days. Could I just share that with you
as a brother? See, you're attacking the issue,
not the person. And I will tell you, when you
hold that inside, you know what? You get resentment
toward the person. And then some of us, you know
what? I won't call him back. When he calls me,
I'll give him an email. And we start these silly
games. And God wants you to know he wants to
use your anger for your good. Anger is a secondary
emotion. One of the primary causes is hurt. We
see it from Joseph's brothers. We see it throughout
the Psalms. And I want you to just stop right
now, okay? Close your eyes. I'm going to ask
a question and let's just a quick little exercise.
Father, right now, I ask you to bring to mind
a person or a situation in the lives of the people
in this room where they have been hurt. And I'd
like you to right now just practice. visualize
in your mind what it would look like. And it
might be a phone call because they're too far
away. But what would it look like just to say,
I feel hurt. I feel left out. I feel wounded.
I felt disappointed when you didn't invite me
to the wedding. When you fill it in. You got
it? And Father, I pray that you would grant us
the grace and the courage to not bolt to anger,
but to realize that we're human. And as humans,
we get wounded and hurt. And we don't want the
wounds to fester. And we don't want resentment
or bitterness or anger to cause a root of bitterness
and many be defiled. Help us to have the courage
to deliver a loving, kind, I feel message. to
get the issue on the table, and to speak the
truth in love. In Jesus' name, amen. This is
Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and you've
been listening to part one of Chip's message,
Why We All Struggle with Anger, from our series,
Overcoming Emotions That Destroy. Chip will be
back shortly to share some helpful application
for us to think about. Have you ever been told
you have an anger problem? Has your temper damaged
or ruined a meaningful relationship? Are the
frustrations of daily life weighing you down?
Well, let's be honest. Everyone struggles to
control this powerful emotion at times. In this
series, Chip reveals the common ways anger manifests
and shares practical biblical solutions to rein
it in before it destroys you and your most treasured
relationships. Don't miss How to Be, as Jesus
said, angry without sinning. Well, Chip's back
in studio with me now. And Chip, you know, this
series really speaks to all of us because, you
know, no one's exempt from losing their temper
or becoming angry, but some of us handle it better
than others. So what would you say to that person
who's concerned about their anger, but hasn't
had the courage to call it what it really is?
Well, Dave, the problem with anger. is that most
of us try and hide it. I mean, we have been brainwashed
into thinking that anger is bad, anger is a sin,
and we've experienced unrighteous anger toward
us that has caused us to say, I don't want to
go there, and I feel bad when I do go there.
So we mask it with things like, well, I'm just
really frustrated right now, or we have some
spiritual language, or we blame other people.
There's very few people that you'll hear say,
you know what? I'm really angry right now. And
I wonder what that means and what is God saying
to me and how do I deal with it? The power is
in getting these things on the table in a safe
environment. Anger destroys your relationship
with God. Anger cuts you off from people. Anger
causes you to stuff stuff. And the high percentage
of people that are depressed are around unresolved
anger issues. And so we've put this in the format
of a book. But the format that has been most
powerful is in a small group, Dave. I actually
lead this small group. We have a study guide
where people can follow along and then process
some issues. And then in a safe environment,
we have just heard amazing feedback of people
actually seeing that anger is something God uses
to change them instead of something that cuts
them off from God and others. So I really encourage
people to get on the journey with us and let
us help you overcome emotions that destroy. Thanks,
Chip. Well, to get your hands on this valuable
resource, visit livingontheedge .org. Dig into
this study with a group of friends and uncover
how anger may be impacting you and what you can
do to harness it to grow spiritually, emotionally,
and relationally. Get your hands on the overcoming
emotions that destroy small group today by going
to livingontheedge .org or by calling 888 -333
-6003. App listeners tap special offers. Well,
here again is Chip to share a final word. In
today's program, the big idea, I mean. The whopper
is that anger is a secondary emotion. You do
not have an anger problem. Anger is the tip of
the iceberg. Underneath of it, there are three
major reasons. There may be more, but there's
three major reasons. And we dealt with the first
one. We talked about unmet needs or when we're
hurt. The second is unmet expectations. And the
third is a basic insecurity issue. And we'll
deal with that in our next broadcast. But when
you have unmet needs, you get wounded or you
get hurt. And so the tool is to say an I feel
message. What we tend to do is we get into oughts
and shoulds and demands and arguments. And I
talked about the I feel message. Here's your
application for today. Who in your world, who
in your relational network, a mate, a child,
a boss, a friend? Who needs to hear, I feel hurt,
I feel frustrated, I felt offended when you,
and you actually do an I feel message. You might
get with a friend and practice a little bit,
but I will tell you when you can begin to get
your hurts and wounds on the table without attacking
people, God is going to heal relationships. Are
you ready? Are you willing? Give that person
an I feel message sometime this week. Great challenge,
Chip. Well, coming up on the next edition of
Living on the Edge, we'll continue Chip's series,
Overcoming Emotions That Destroy. So I hope you'll
join us. But until then, I'm Dave Drewy. Thanks
for listening.